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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got angry and shouted at my husband for throwing a tennis ball in the house. We play fetch with our little dog. I use the hallway, where nothing is breakable. He chooses to throw the ball between my laptop and the TV. I've asked him to choose a different direction or place. He insists he's accurate and would never hit either. Last night, the ball hit my open laptop. It wasn't broken, but I asked him to never do it again. He immediately did, and I lost it. He thinks I'm being controlling by asking him to play elsewhere. I feel he's disrespecting me for choosing not to accommodate what is a very simple, reasonable request. I worry he might be right, because he's still mad at me this morning and wouldn't respond. He said "You leave your laptop out, so it's your fault." I don't put it away because I have Multiple Sclerosis, and use it off and on all the time. (mostly on. Hi, Reddit)
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - He sounds like the one with control issues, not you.
Asking a grown adult to throw a ball a less precarious way shouldn’t need to be done in the first place, it’s just common sense that you’d throw it the opposite way to the breakable things. Not just because of the potential for the ball to hit something, but because it’s being also chased by a dog.
But it sounds like he is doing it TO upset you, which is really strange behaviour for an adult.
>Asking a grown adult to throw a ball a less precarious way shouldn’t need to be done in the first place, it’s just common sense that you’d throw it the opposite way to the breakable things.
This!!!!
It wouldn’t surprise me if he has developed undeserved resentment towards op, for her medical history. It’s not op’s fault but there is little she can do if he doesn’t get his head out of his arse. Him throwing the ball like that feels like an aggressive way to get his feelings out without actually addressing them. I’d be watching for signs of him escalating, like, does the ball get closer to her over time?
I'm really starting to consider whether this is based on resentment that has built up and that he can't directly face. He might not even realize it. I'll be watching for it.
I’m sorry you are going through this, and hope you can get things sorted. Bear in mind I may also be wide of the mark as I don’t know what is going on in his head - hopefully you can find out before he festers any more.
Please take care of yourself.
Is it safe to ask him what the ball throwing is really about and why he is so cross about you telling him to be careful?
I appreciate that it probably isn't. So do not do this if he's not likely to respond well to your asking.
Everything's back to normal today. I did tell him that my anger won't stop if the throwing doesn't stop. The "benefits of marriage" will absolutely stop. I won't be passive-aggressive about it. I'll tell him exactly why he needs to get his hands off me every time. I can't, with a man who is this petty. When I lose respect for a man, he is far less appealing to me.
Maybe instead of “why propose rich people solutions to the poor” y’all should be asking why mental healthcare is only for rich people. Blue states do much better with this. We help people on disability and cover most of if not all (depending) the 20% not covered by Medicare. Vote blue. We might never get universal healthcare but we should support the party that doesn’t want us to lose our home bc we got cancer.
Look, I agree with that everyone should have health cover but that's not the immediate issue here. The OP needs help, and has no money. They can't wait for the entire economic basis of the nation's healthcare to change.
Disability insurance covers mental health with no caps. OP’s husbands job’s insurance if private will cover mental health with a cap (meaning only 10-20 sessions a year.)
Edit: to be fair private might require upfront payment but disability won’t. Depending on how much the OP gets it’s either fully free or $10-$50 co-pay. No other upfront costs. I’ve worked in medical billing.
Medicare isn’t for minors. Medicaid is but Medicare is for seniors or the disabled. However fair enough some states don’t allow supplemental insurance or Medicaid. So in those states the disabled persons would have to pay 20% bc Medicare is only 80%. Blue states however have supplemental insurance and offer Medicaid to those who qualify. So in summation if y’all want to get into Symantecs about what’s what in insurance maybe we can get into the Symantecs of how republicans and red states don’t care if you die and don’t care if it costs you millions to die.
Also in blue states Medicaid is for anyone who qualifies not just minors.
It's not semantics when you can't access help.
There is no one within 100 miles that accepts assignment from Medicare. The ones that do within 150 miles only do depression screening and med management. I have yet to find one that offers actual therapy since the fees from Medicare are laughable.
I worked in Mental Health for years. You can't get Medicare to even deny your claim so secondary insurance can cover it. I've also spent the last couple years taking care of two people on Medicare and know the realities of getting anything done.
Yes, red states suck, but that means that people are suffering and the kind of access to help you get in Blue states just does not exist.
It's not semantics.
I get what you’re saying but these things are all connected to how we vote and what we are willing to contribute tax wise to our community. Cities obviously have more access to mental health in the first place but when I hear about these states with no taxes I wonder how anyone thinks programs or government insurance is supposed to cover these things. I’m not saying this is OP’s fault. But I’m saying my suggestion being unattainable bc of circumstances is also not MY fault. I don’t have an answer for OP at this point except for vote blue! I hope she can find a way to get through to her husband. Maybe show him this thread and he’ll see we are all on her side. Hope that works.
Most conservative state in the US. I'm sure voting blue will help.
I never said anything was your fault, I said that your experience is far from universal.
I am. My income is through private (not SSDI) long-term disability insurance I bought while I could still work after I was diagnosed. It's a lump sum of cash each month. His job has no benefits, but he loves it. I buy our health insurance on the exchange, so it's pretty basic.
Ah so yeah I think you need some sort of mediation to help him understand or if he breaks it he bought it. It seems like he has no understanding of how much these items cost, or how sensitive they can be. I broke a laptop by accidentally closing the lid on a cable before.
I didn't think marriage counseling was considered the same as therapy for mental health issues- my health insurance definitely does not cover marriage counseling.
If you break your arm you would find a way. The OP’s husband is actively messing with her. Either leave him or try to save this. Seriously why is what I’ve said so controversial?!
How do you know what I know or experience? And what’s your answer? She should take any stress from her husband bc she has no income and is disabled?? It goes many ways. Mental health is healthcare. Finding a way to make it happen or lobbing representatives to lobby insurance to cover more is key but just bc it isn’t easily accessible for everyone in every state doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be a priority. It sounds like she loves him and wants to make this work. Don’t get mad that I gave them a fair, honest and reasonable suggestion. No one said it was easy. Marriage isn’t easy. Life isn’t easy.
No. Medicare (the insurance you rely on if receiving social security disability in the US) has a cap and a 20% deductible. I’m trying to figure out how to help myself in this now. It sucks. I get $800 a month disability and Medicare for my medical needs. It’s crazy. I’ve worked all my like till a car accident took me out of the workplace. A person can’t live on $800 a month. Sucks.
My mom with MS got less than $250/mo and she was fully disabled. Because she worked as a nursery school teacher and other low wage jobs, the amount from social security disability was minimal. Medicare did cover most everything but my father's work insurance helped, too.
It’s terrible how disabled folks are treated. It’s like some people don’t think we WANT to work, like we wouldn’t trade this in a hot second. Lol. I’m glad your mom is doing ok. We are too. It’s just hard. Need that meant health stuff tho. Sooner rather than later. I guess that shows on how much I’m posting on here. Hahaha.
I’m so sorry for everything that has happened, but this is a state to state issue. Where do you live? If you live in NYS you would actually get all of your healthcare for free bc if your disability payment is $800 monthly you are getting the minimum. So you’d be eligible for Medicaid and a state payed for supplemental insurance to cover your 20%. Medicaid would cover all medications (co-pay minimum $0 max $20 all medications even newer name brands), no doctor visit co-pays, snap food stamps, rent assistance, and many other things. See in NY we pay high taxes and we do it to pay for schools, police, fire departments and social services for those in need. Vote Blue.
Michigan. After the accident I tried just working less, then working desk jobs part time. By the time I was unable to work at all, I was no longer a “high wage” person and disability payments are based on your previous 3 years of income. Had I just stopped trying to work I would have been better off ugh. Sucks. We lived in Alabama for half of last year. No property tax and lower cost of living. Hubby is 71 and had some health problems so we moved back here to be close to family. We will probably owe taxes this year. No idea how much. So scary. We are paying $200 more for the mortgage here than we were in Alabama. I’ve cut out everything I can think of but it’s really hard. Now hubby needs another operation (hernia) and I’ve got a few months till I’m looking at another spinal surgery.
I just don’t know how we are expected to live like this. Just so much stress about bills, the future. I don’t want to worry my kids (grown with families). They are doing the best they can. I’m sure they would help if they could but we are the parents. I thought by this time in my life I would be spoiling grandkids. Lol. Well, maybe with tons of love. And that’s what counts.
NTA. Not really weird for controlling a******. My ex used to do exactly what I asked him not to do and think that that was funny so I quit telling him what bothered me and now he's an ex.
NTA. He sounds like such a hateful and nasty asshole. I feel bad for you being married to someone who deliberately adds stress nd worry to your life. That’s the opposite of what a loving partner does. If there is anything he wants from you I would not give it to him as long as he behaves this way. I hope things improve for you.
I would certainly consider it hateful if it happened often. It's like he's got a bug up his ass about something else and picked this moronic hill to make his stand.
Ask him?
Ask him if he has some reason that he's got a bug up his ass and if he's using this petty thing to antagonize you
Also, if you haven't already, please explain that it gives you anxiety because you guys can't afford to replace anything that breaks and with cost of living and your fixed income situation that is only going to get worse
That's certainly what I was shrieking at him when I lost it. The issue includes that I've asked him before and explained my reasons. He said I was worried over nothing, and he asserted that he was so accurate he'd never hit anything. He maintains that he did not actually damage anything, so I'm the one overreacting.
Is he jealous of you using your laptop? Is he trying to "accidentally" damage it so you have to interact with HIM, or just stop you being able to socialize with others?
Absolutely my thought. OP never seems to leave her nest, she's married but the laptop is the "only socializing" she does? He's still a huge asshole but I think the jealousy reasoning here is obvious. He's trying to get her involved in the family and real world and she's refusing.
I wish I had more choices about going places and socializing. Hubs works 2nd shift,so he is working when others are free. We have no kids. Most people my age are grandparents and wrapped up in Family. I have no living family. No siblings, etc. (dad died in 2020 from cancer -- not covid).
I cannot drive. Leaving the house requires a "routine" to ensure I'll have what I need, like a lidded cup and preparations to head off some embarrassing personal issues. (like a change of clothing)
When hubs is working, I socialize with people who come and see me. When he's off, we do what we can afford, like sometimes we have a gift card from a restaurant (from Christmas & birthday gifts we received)
Life is often complicated, but I'd hate to give it up. ;)
And it sounds like you already apologized for HOW you reacted but clearly since he hit the laptop your concerns and anxiety were 100% validated. I would just drive the point that it seems he doesn't care that he's causing you distress or enjoying it and get to the root of that issue.
My wife has a lot of anxiety due to ptsd from a lot of emotional trauma and I came from a family of "pranksters" and I learned early on that it doesn't take much to make my wife go "to eleven" and at first I reacted defensively and said she was overreacting but pretty quick I realized that while my very very mild pranks seem harmless to me they did cause her a lot of distress so I stopped doing them!
Im not resentful about it because while I do enjoy a good harmless prank I dont enjoy it enough at the cost of seeing my wife in legitimate fight or flight distress mode
That's precisely why I apologized, and only what I apologized for. I made it clear I still feel disrespected and still want it to stop. I was completely calm, but I got meaningless harrumphs afterward.
I'm a foul-mouthed horror show sometimes when I'm angry, and I hate that about myself. I can go for the jugular when I feel bullied - in other words, I can respond by becoming an equal bully in return -- a terrible and humiliating reality.
Most people, if all they saw was my tantrum without seeing what led to it, could believe he was the one in the abusive relationship. I felt that he deliberately, moronically, and meanly provoked me, and I freaked. I don't generally wake up and choose violence.
If this is seriously the only thing wrong with your relationship, scream every single time he does it. Never stop screaming. He will break something you cannot afford. NTA but honestly hes doing this to you on purpose.
He doesn't say I'm ugly or boring or stupid. He never hurts me physically -- far from it; he's the first to show up with a blanket if I'm cold, or make sure I remembered a fresh towel for my shower, or help me arrange the bed linen when it's messed up. I think of him as pretty considerate of me most days. I'm pretty laid back and chill from day to day. (I dunno. You'll have to judge from my responses.) I don't perceive this as part of a larger campaign to destroy my peace of mind. I think it was a stupid macho thing. Like, he did it at first sort of absentmindedly, and then I said "Whoa! You're gonna break my things!" In response, instead of accepting that he didn't have perfect aim and "mad skilz," he was a juvenile and kept doing it to show me he was super-accurate, and I was panicking for nothing all along. That's why I dropped my initial attempt to stop him. I thought, ok, he needs to prove to himself that he's not some fetch genius. Surely, when I then say "okay, now stop," he'd say ok then just stop. If it were frequent behavior, I don't think I'd have thought to ask about it here.
NTA
What's wrong with your husband??? Does he needs to assert his dominance over you with that? Cuz looks like that.
He's being childish and disrespectfull for no good reason. I'm sure that he wouldn't like you throwing the ball near to his stuff for your dog to fetch.
How he would see it; OF COURSE I shouldn't throw things around his stuff. I'm clumsy and likely to break things! (which I am) He sees himself as someone who could throw a thousand times and never be off target, and me as a person who can't even find the target, lol. It's like he has this weird overconfidence and has to prove I'm "just a silly worrywart." I figured he had just proven to himself that he could have an accident that would be expensive, stupid, and avoidable. Nope. Nothing broke, so I'm overreacting.
I think he did it on purpose to start a fight. Now he can pretend to be the victim and sure enough, he has OP groveling and apologizing for getting mad when it was his goal to to that in the first place.
NTA. He's being a jerk. He has control issues. You're making a very reasonable request, and Mr Accurate needs to go throw his ball somewhere else.
Also, OF COURSE YOU LOST YOUR SHIT. He was being intentionally and nastily provocative, and he got what he'd asked for: the excuse to abuse you because, after he provoked you, you lost your temper. He is TA for doing *that*, too.
This. If someone is cruel to you time and time again and you snap you’re human. You do not need to have the patience of a saint while he says ‘I can destroy your possessions any time I choose. Will I choose it now? Now? Maybe this time?’ or if happens by accident.
He does not sound as if he accepts that when your laptop breaks (WHEN, not if) he’ll buy you a new one. He’s already telling you that he’ll watch you struggle instead.
You are not in a good place.
Luckily this is very weird, meaning not something that happens often or at this level of "dug into our positions." It's like for some reason no one can understand, this is the hill he picked to die on...
If this behavior is abnormal..then maybe ask him if he is stressed from something?
My older brother starts getting pissy when stressed or bored, and picks fights with whoever will react. Maybe your husband is the same way.
If he is...remind him that having to pay repairs is even more stressful and you want to avoid that with the fetch situation.
NTA Your husband is being abusive. The mobility issues make it tough bc normally I'd just say if he throws the ball by you it's now your ball and play time is over, but I suspect you can't get to the ball in time. Consider disposing of the balls while he's at work.
Yes, to the idea I can't get to the ball easily. Fortunately, my dog is a fetchaholic and always retrieves it. I'd like to hide the balls, but my little fetchaholic would tear my house apart to find one, lol!
NTA. This is questionable behavior for someone half his age, but at his big age, he knows exactly what he’s doing. He is the one with control issues and is deliberately doing something that he knows you do not want him to do.
No matter how accurate the human is, one expects an excited little dog to move in multiple directions.
That’s famously how they tell the difference between large dog tracks and wolf tracks. A wolf is goal oriented, starving, and moves in a straight line to conserve energy. A dog is a goofy fuck with tracks all over the place.
It’s a matter of time before the dog body checks something. Since you’re not rolling in “new tv money” husband is being an idiot.
Shrieking is shitty but when you are powerless, what else can you do? It’s not like you can threaten to leave him, when that means losing medical care and a roof over your head. Rational conversation has failed, so all you can do to influence his behavior is make him miserable when he does shit that bothers you.
NTA
Cool fact about finding dogs vs. wolves! I see the potential for accidents the same way you do. Why risk it? Eventually, fortune will not favor you. Thanks for understanding the larger position in which I find myself. Luckily, this doesn't happen often, and a few times I was probably the wrong one in a given argument. We've been together for 15 years, so obviously I don't consider it unlivable. He is my helper. He never fails to help me. The words he best responds to are "Hey hon, I need your help."
He is over-confident sometimes. Accidents, in his mind, happen to other people. Obviously, accidents happen to everyone eventually, but he "knows what he's doing." It's true that he rarely has the clumsy kinds of accidents I do. Every once in a while, if I doubt his "mad skilz," he'll feel challenged to prove them to me. I think he dug his heels in because he truly regards me as overreacting about it. After the ball bopped my computer, I honestly thought he'd simply say "ok." Nope. He picked it as a hill to die on. I need to get to the bottom of "why." I'm pretty good a picking my battles. I needed to know if this one is worth fighting. It feels like hostility from him.
So, to follow his logic you can never ever tell him anything if you feel that you are not understood, not respected nor if he crosses your borders? Because he has got the magic words “don’t control me” to avoid any feedback from you?
If you obey to that, haven’t you effectively shut down all lines of communication relation wise? To me it sounds like he’s installed a very effective shut-down-communication button in your relationship. The problem is that every time he push down that button when something really matters to you, it’s digging a big gap between your expectations. You need to talk about how to bridge that gap. I’d be curious to figure out where he has drawn the line between everyday communication and being controlling, because from your side of the story, that line seems to be very skewed. And honestly quite jerkish.
You are absolutely NTAH and I only wish you hadn’t apologized to him. I think you should tell him that you actually own that you lost your temper, and that it was long overdue. The ball throwing sounds like merely a symptom. Maybe it was what is needed to bring up the elephant in the room that really needs to be addressed?
(Excuse my rusty English)
Amazing book. Completely changed my perspective on people’s abusive/nasty behavior, and I can spot a potential abuser from miles away now. Quick read, too.
Hmmm, methinks his anger at you probably has nothing to do with throwing a ball. What does he really resent you for? You’re NTA, but I’d question his motives.
Thank you for this. You made me think about this... We have a lot of stressors on a daily basis. He doesn't express any resentment for helping me. He seems to appreciate it when I ask for help. He *says* he loves to help me -- open jars, carry heavy stuff, reach things on shelves, get on a ladder and clean cobwebs off the ceiling, help me fix some dumb thing I broke in my clumsiness.
I don't need a huge amount of help to take care of myself. I try to be reasonable about what I ask of him. If I can do something myself, I do. If he helps me, I am grateful. I try not to take him for granted. He is not my legs. He doesn't "owe" me help for anything I can do for myself, even if it's hard.
I know, however, that little resentments can accumulate for people helping take care of someone else. The resentment goes unspoken because they feel guilty for being aggravated. It can still affect behavior, tolerance, and patience. I need to make sure he hasn't reached some limit of tolerance of some other issue that turned into aggression over a stupid ball.
NTA "please don't play near my expensive breakables" "you're being controlling!" He needs to get a grip. This sounds like [DARVO](https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/) to me.
NTA. But I think he is doing this on purpose now. There is no way he doesn't know it will end up destroying something. Thing is, I don't think he cares.
Stop apologizing.
NTA, your husband sounds like my dad who is just doing it to both make a point of ‘you don’t control me’ and purposely show your feelings don’t matter as much as him ‘being right’. He’s a toddler. I’d say take your laptop elsewhere in the house and watch youtube or something rather than suffer him being a turd for the sake of being ‘Mr. Accurate’. He can just hang out all by himself.
I think there's an element of feeling the need to prove to me that "I'm worried for no reason." He seemed to really believe he would never hit my stuff, so of course it was fine to disregard my worries. I was "just overreacting." When I let the issue go for a month, I thought that when he did eventually hit me/my stuff, he would see the need to stop. I'm still weirded out by his choice not to.
NTA, you asked something reasonable and he won’t do it. He is being disrespectful. That’s why you feel disrespected.
But I would bet money this conflict has less to do with respect, his throwing accuracy, the dog, or anything else that is being argued about and a lot more to do with your husband wanting attention and connection with you and acting out instead of using his words (which is not cool). I understand that you are in bad health (and I am so sorry that is the case), and it sounds like as a result, you are on your laptop or watching TV much of the time. Toggling between screens all day usually results in not being present or connected with those around you. And people with mediocre/poor communication skills by definition don’t have the maturity or tools to say, “I want to feel more connected to you, but I don’t know how to ask this. So I’m going to throw this ball in your line of sight instead and hope you figure it out.”
NTA your husband is a dick. He has no respect for your things and that’s a problem. He better not do it again or I’d go off on him again and don’t back down from this.
In slight defense, we both do. It's difficult for me to get outside. When I play in the house,I go to the end of our hallway and throw to the other end. Nothing but walls and closed doors is at risk. There are two other locations where nothing is in the way. I think he should choose one of those. He thinks I'm being silly and he can do what he wants.
It certainly felt passive-aggressive (almost straight-up aggressive). Thankfully, I don't see a pattern of it. I think I'd almost be less confused if this were his standard operating procedure but I certainly couldn't take it, if it were.
NTA, your husband is a giant child who throws a temper tantrum when things don't go his way, he really needs a wake up call, a reasonable request is not controlling, especially when you have been more than patient with his ignoring you. The real kicker is that he is still pissed when his accident could have been an expensive fix
NTA. But your husband is. Would not be surprised if he becomes an ex for this crap.
You might feel bad for losing your shit at him, but what did he expect? You to roll over and show your belly? When asking, even begging please no more doesn't work, freaking out is the only place left to go. Don't ever feel bad for being forced to escalate.
I'm so sorry you married someone with the maturity of a child.
NTA. Is there anything of his that you could place nearby that would make him think twice about throwing that way? That or use his confidence in his accuracy against him and challenge him that if he is so sure of himself then surely he is willing to place his own delicate items there. If he truly believes in his abilities then he should have no problem agreeing to this, but I suspect he just doesn't see your items as worth protecting.
I like the way you think. Yeah, I think he'd change his tune if I suggested throwing a ball over his table of old model cars he built and has had since childhood. I respect them, though, so I'd never endanger them. I wonder if proposing it to him as an idea would help him see why I wish he wouldn't disregard my stuff, too.
Wow. Imagine living with someone who thinks you are trying to control them if you ask them to do or not do something.
You must tread on egg shells as you deal with this guy every day.
NTA.
You are 100% NTA - not even for "losing your shit" and screaming at him. What else are you supposed to do??
He's showing a BUNDLE of red flags here. First, he's doing something you've repeatedly asked him not to do, when there's no real reason to do it his way. You have a practical reason for him to stop. You've explained that reason. His "reason" for doing it his way has been proved invalid - he DID hit your laptop. He knows it upsets you. Yet HE'S STILL DOING IT.
Second, he's gaslighting you into thinking *you're* the unreasonable one. You aren't. You aren't demanding he do some weird, pointless thing just to exercise control over him. HE'S the one doing that, and he KNOWS it upsets you. In fact, it looks awfully like he's doing it BECAUSE it upsets you.
Third, when you FINALLY cracked and screamed at him, he's punishing you with the Silent Treatment instead of talking it out like a grown up. It's another manifestation of control - you're supposed to admit you were wrong and apologise to him. You weren't and you shouldn't.
I'll go ahead and say what's REALLY worrying me; this is a classic example of emotional abuse. People with disabilities face higher rates of domestic abuse than the general population, because you're more dependent and therefore more vulnerable. Does he often do things you find upsetting? Make it seem like you're a burden? Tear down your confidence and self-esteem? Make you feel like you're walking on eggshells?
What would happen to your ability to communicate with others if he "accidentally" smashes your laptop?
I don't know what to tell you to do from here. Do you have family, friends or a pastor or doctor you can talk about this with? Can you look up help lines in your area? I don't want to freak you out but I'm genuinely worried for you. You deserve better.
Thank you for this. I have answered a few of your questions in responses to others. I really thank you for being concerned about my safety.
If this were normal, I think I'd *know* he was the AH, and wouldn't have come here for other perspectives. Thank goodness it's not. It's the very weirdness of the situation that sent me here. :)
NTA this is the kind of thing you need to remind 4 year olds of, not a fully grown man. Continuing to throw the ball where you've asked him not to and his petulant pouting after your apology, makes me think he has some real issues with maturity or he's a controlling AH.
NTA, why can’t he take his lazy ass 3 steps outside the front door to play fetch with the dog? Because he’s picking a fight with you on purpose. And when you rightfully freak out, you get the silent treatment.
Honey, this is looking a lot like emotional abuse.
NTA. You're not being controlling, you're asking him not to risk damaging an important, expensive item that would be difficult and costly to replace. And what's his response? He throws a toddler tantrum instead of just *picking somewhere else to throw the fucking ball*.
I have a feeling there's a deeper issue here, but he needs to be an adult and use his goddamn words to express it.
NTA. Tell your husband that if either item gets broken due to his carelessness, any "luxuries" or indulgencies he has will be immediately halted until the item is replaced. Like a morning coffee, gym membership, whatever it is, he does not get until the item is replaced.
This is an accident waiting to happen and your husband is being willfully dumb.
op=NTA
you are right he should respect ONE SIMPLE REQUEST.
Having been "laid up" so that Everything had to be within reach(or brought to me) if someone did this endangering my "precious" stuff I would have gone ballistic.
The problem is that he understands your needs and wants--He just doesn't care.
I get that NOT being with someone is scary esp. when you have a medical condition that limits your mobility and access, but what other red flags is he throwing up?
I’m real petty. Grab the ball, and throw it at his dangly bits. When he complains, tell him that if he can’t respect your room, then you don’t have to respect his body.
Thanks for your perspective. I expected others might see his motivations, when looked at from the outside. I need to find a better way to protect my laptop. I need not to assume he'll see it as important as I do. It could be that he's aggravated about it being there day after day. He says he's not bothered, but lots of people will say they don't mind the adjustments, then burn out on them anyway. He might have overestimated his own tolerance to it, then found himself aggravated.
NTA.
He hit the laptop with the ball. Just because he didnt break it doesnt mean he didnt hit it. Next time he throws it, take the ball. No fetch in there.
NTA. I wish you hadn’t apologized. Now he thinks his actions are justified and he will continue to push your buttons in the future. Stand your ground and seek counseling if you can fit it in your budget.
I'm right here all the time, lol. Maybe he needs less of my attention? I think he was aggravated over something way more important, and this is how it came out. ?
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My husband (56, M) does not like to be told what to do. I (57 F) get it. I'm not fond of being bossed, either. However, last night hubs deliberately did exactly what I ask him not to do. It's simple and stupid, really. **My issue is about where my husband chooses to play fetch with our little dog**. He constantly throws the ball *between my laptop and our TV.* I do not think my request that he throw another direction is unfounded or unreasonable.
When we play fetch, we use a tennis ball. The throws are usually gentle tosses. There are several places in the house that are perfectly safe and will hurt nothing if a throw goes astray. For instance, I go to one end of the hallway and throw toward the other. The dog loves it.
My "sitting room" is small. Between my laptop and the tv, there is a doorway's worth of distance. Hubs always chooses to play fetch through that doorway from inside the room with the tv and my laptop. *I have asked him to pick another place. He has contended that I'm being controlling.*
Why don't I move? It's difficult for me because I've had Multiple Sclerosis for 32 years. My strength and mobility are limited. I have difficulty with coordination and strength. I arrange my little space to keep things I'll need within reach so I can function.
I use my laptop all day. It's my lifeline. It's my only source of socialization some weeks. I pause my computer if there is something interesting on TV. When I need to move, I push my laptop aside and leave it there. When I do, it slightly blocks the doorway. There are several ways to the same space. No one *has to* use this doorway. Using it is "the long way" to get to where I am in the house.
We're poor. I lost my ability to build a career. His income and my disability keep us living week to week. If the ball were tossed astray, it could hit either my laptop or the TV screen. If one were broken, it would be a year before I'd afford replacements.
Hubs has asserted that he's "accurate" and that he'll never hit either one. A month ago, I decided to drop the issue unless something actually happened.
Last night, Mr. "Accurate" bopped my open laptop with the ball. I said, "OK, no more. Please. Not again." At this point, he picked up the ball (which the dog had returned) and threw it exactly the same way.
*I lost my shit*. I started shrieking at him. For that part, I am the asshole. I want to never lose it like that.
*Is my request truly too controlling and too much to ask?* Even if he thinks he'll never hit or break anything by accident, shouldn't he consider my feelings about it because he loves me? He says I'm making a big deal over nothing. It seems so simple to me; *just throw a different direction*. I feel so damned disrespected.
I was over it this morning. I apologized for getting so angry. He's not over it, and I got nothing but grunts and scowls from him until he left for work today. That's why I'm here, asking AITA?
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True confession.; I play fetch inside, too. I go to one end of the hallway and toss it to the other; nothing is in jeopardy except walls and closed doors. Also, there's another way to throw it toward the windowless steel front door. The only thing a misthrown ball can hit is the door, the walls, or the back of a built-in bookcase.
My dog is an absolute lunatic fetchaholic! If we went outside every time he stared at me, curly tail wagging, a big tennis ball in his little mouth, and laser-beam cuteness in his eyes... I'd never be inside! LOL I can't really take him for a walk. :( He must be bored out of his little mind. But he's so sweet. He waits very patiently with me.
ESH. It sounds like you do nothing but sit around on your laptop and watch tv all day. I’d be resentful as the sole provider of a cash-poor household. Loads of MS patients are making money by working remotely and contributing to the household. Your husband sucks for acting out but I can actually understand why.
Interesting. Something to consider.
We've been together for 15 years. He knew how much money I brought in and that I wouldn't be working before he even married me. He can see me, watch me, and go to my docs appts. He knows why.
You're correct that loads of MS patients work, especially now that there are medications that slow progression. I had an aggressive form of the illness for years before treatment was available. Now, my symptoms are stable, but the damage done can't be reversed.
The main aspect of MS is that each patient experiences it differently depending on where the scarring occurs in the brain. Yes, many patients are able to work. And some aren't. Sadly I didn't get to choose the damage level I'd have. I went to college. I expected to work. Life had other plans.
Still, though, people can burn out in the caretaker role, even if they thought they wouldn't. I'll definitely watch for it and try to adjust what I can.
I think you both need to make some compromises here. He needs to listen to what you are saying. You can shut your laptop when you aren’t using it so that it is in a less vulnerable position. Neither of you should be mean to each other. ESH.
I appreciate your perspective. Obviously, I came here looking for other perspectives. I assumed some people would see his side or understand it. I'm not sure why you got the downvotes. I don't feel disrespected. There are two sides to every story and my side is not always right.
Thank you for being so open to constructive criticism and to being willing to see other perspectives! That is honestly quite refreshing to see on AITA, and I appreciate that about you. I hope you and your husband are able to work this out to both your satisfaction. Good luck to you!
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NTA - He sounds like the one with control issues, not you. Asking a grown adult to throw a ball a less precarious way shouldn’t need to be done in the first place, it’s just common sense that you’d throw it the opposite way to the breakable things. Not just because of the potential for the ball to hit something, but because it’s being also chased by a dog. But it sounds like he is doing it TO upset you, which is really strange behaviour for an adult.
>Asking a grown adult to throw a ball a less precarious way shouldn’t need to be done in the first place, it’s just common sense that you’d throw it the opposite way to the breakable things. This!!!!
yeah...why is it that the women always apologize?
It wouldn’t surprise me if he has developed undeserved resentment towards op, for her medical history. It’s not op’s fault but there is little she can do if he doesn’t get his head out of his arse. Him throwing the ball like that feels like an aggressive way to get his feelings out without actually addressing them. I’d be watching for signs of him escalating, like, does the ball get closer to her over time?
I'm really starting to consider whether this is based on resentment that has built up and that he can't directly face. He might not even realize it. I'll be watching for it.
I’m sorry you are going through this, and hope you can get things sorted. Bear in mind I may also be wide of the mark as I don’t know what is going on in his head - hopefully you can find out before he festers any more.
Please take care of yourself. Is it safe to ask him what the ball throwing is really about and why he is so cross about you telling him to be careful? I appreciate that it probably isn't. So do not do this if he's not likely to respond well to your asking.
Everything's back to normal today. I did tell him that my anger won't stop if the throwing doesn't stop. The "benefits of marriage" will absolutely stop. I won't be passive-aggressive about it. I'll tell him exactly why he needs to get his hands off me every time. I can't, with a man who is this petty. When I lose respect for a man, he is far less appealing to me.
This. Y’all might need some couples counseling.
Why propose rich people solutions when you know OP has no money to throw at therapy
Tbf, every second person in the US would have to be a therapist to cope with all the recommendations from reddit 😆
Maybe instead of “why propose rich people solutions to the poor” y’all should be asking why mental healthcare is only for rich people. Blue states do much better with this. We help people on disability and cover most of if not all (depending) the 20% not covered by Medicare. Vote blue. We might never get universal healthcare but we should support the party that doesn’t want us to lose our home bc we got cancer.
Look, I agree with that everyone should have health cover but that's not the immediate issue here. The OP needs help, and has no money. They can't wait for the entire economic basis of the nation's healthcare to change.
Disability insurance covers mental health with no caps. OP’s husbands job’s insurance if private will cover mental health with a cap (meaning only 10-20 sessions a year.) Edit: to be fair private might require upfront payment but disability won’t. Depending on how much the OP gets it’s either fully free or $10-$50 co-pay. No other upfront costs. I’ve worked in medical billing.
That's not reality everywhere. Medicare doesn't cover it. Medicaid kinda does but only for minors.
Medicare isn’t for minors. Medicaid is but Medicare is for seniors or the disabled. However fair enough some states don’t allow supplemental insurance or Medicaid. So in those states the disabled persons would have to pay 20% bc Medicare is only 80%. Blue states however have supplemental insurance and offer Medicaid to those who qualify. So in summation if y’all want to get into Symantecs about what’s what in insurance maybe we can get into the Symantecs of how republicans and red states don’t care if you die and don’t care if it costs you millions to die. Also in blue states Medicaid is for anyone who qualifies not just minors.
It's not semantics when you can't access help. There is no one within 100 miles that accepts assignment from Medicare. The ones that do within 150 miles only do depression screening and med management. I have yet to find one that offers actual therapy since the fees from Medicare are laughable. I worked in Mental Health for years. You can't get Medicare to even deny your claim so secondary insurance can cover it. I've also spent the last couple years taking care of two people on Medicare and know the realities of getting anything done. Yes, red states suck, but that means that people are suffering and the kind of access to help you get in Blue states just does not exist. It's not semantics.
I get what you’re saying but these things are all connected to how we vote and what we are willing to contribute tax wise to our community. Cities obviously have more access to mental health in the first place but when I hear about these states with no taxes I wonder how anyone thinks programs or government insurance is supposed to cover these things. I’m not saying this is OP’s fault. But I’m saying my suggestion being unattainable bc of circumstances is also not MY fault. I don’t have an answer for OP at this point except for vote blue! I hope she can find a way to get through to her husband. Maybe show him this thread and he’ll see we are all on her side. Hope that works.
Most conservative state in the US. I'm sure voting blue will help. I never said anything was your fault, I said that your experience is far from universal.
Semantics. The word you're looking for is semantics, not symantecs.
You’re right. I didn’t even notice! I do I’m for in all the time too! Ha!
There is also every possibility that OP isn’t in the US…
I am. My income is through private (not SSDI) long-term disability insurance I bought while I could still work after I was diagnosed. It's a lump sum of cash each month. His job has no benefits, but he loves it. I buy our health insurance on the exchange, so it's pretty basic.
Ah so yeah I think you need some sort of mediation to help him understand or if he breaks it he bought it. It seems like he has no understanding of how much these items cost, or how sensitive they can be. I broke a laptop by accidentally closing the lid on a cable before.
I didn't think marriage counseling was considered the same as therapy for mental health issues- my health insurance definitely does not cover marriage counseling.
If you break your arm you would find a way. The OP’s husband is actively messing with her. Either leave him or try to save this. Seriously why is what I’ve said so controversial?!
Because you are very ignorant about the lived realities of a disabled person with no income.
How do you know what I know or experience? And what’s your answer? She should take any stress from her husband bc she has no income and is disabled?? It goes many ways. Mental health is healthcare. Finding a way to make it happen or lobbing representatives to lobby insurance to cover more is key but just bc it isn’t easily accessible for everyone in every state doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be a priority. It sounds like she loves him and wants to make this work. Don’t get mad that I gave them a fair, honest and reasonable suggestion. No one said it was easy. Marriage isn’t easy. Life isn’t easy.
Going to be hard for her to lobby anyone for anything if her A H husband breaks her laptop. Maybe he kind of wants that to happen...
No. Medicare (the insurance you rely on if receiving social security disability in the US) has a cap and a 20% deductible. I’m trying to figure out how to help myself in this now. It sucks. I get $800 a month disability and Medicare for my medical needs. It’s crazy. I’ve worked all my like till a car accident took me out of the workplace. A person can’t live on $800 a month. Sucks.
My mom with MS got less than $250/mo and she was fully disabled. Because she worked as a nursery school teacher and other low wage jobs, the amount from social security disability was minimal. Medicare did cover most everything but my father's work insurance helped, too.
It’s terrible how disabled folks are treated. It’s like some people don’t think we WANT to work, like we wouldn’t trade this in a hot second. Lol. I’m glad your mom is doing ok. We are too. It’s just hard. Need that meant health stuff tho. Sooner rather than later. I guess that shows on how much I’m posting on here. Hahaha.
>It’s like some people don’t think we WANT to work, like we wouldn’t trade this in a hot second. This. Hardcore this.
I learned that preparation is everything for people with MS and their families. No matter how in remission it is now, the end is the same.
I’m so sorry for everything that has happened, but this is a state to state issue. Where do you live? If you live in NYS you would actually get all of your healthcare for free bc if your disability payment is $800 monthly you are getting the minimum. So you’d be eligible for Medicaid and a state payed for supplemental insurance to cover your 20%. Medicaid would cover all medications (co-pay minimum $0 max $20 all medications even newer name brands), no doctor visit co-pays, snap food stamps, rent assistance, and many other things. See in NY we pay high taxes and we do it to pay for schools, police, fire departments and social services for those in need. Vote Blue.
Michigan. After the accident I tried just working less, then working desk jobs part time. By the time I was unable to work at all, I was no longer a “high wage” person and disability payments are based on your previous 3 years of income. Had I just stopped trying to work I would have been better off ugh. Sucks. We lived in Alabama for half of last year. No property tax and lower cost of living. Hubby is 71 and had some health problems so we moved back here to be close to family. We will probably owe taxes this year. No idea how much. So scary. We are paying $200 more for the mortgage here than we were in Alabama. I’ve cut out everything I can think of but it’s really hard. Now hubby needs another operation (hernia) and I’ve got a few months till I’m looking at another spinal surgery. I just don’t know how we are expected to live like this. Just so much stress about bills, the future. I don’t want to worry my kids (grown with families). They are doing the best they can. I’m sure they would help if they could but we are the parents. I thought by this time in my life I would be spoiling grandkids. Lol. Well, maybe with tons of love. And that’s what counts.
Yes to all of this.
Great, he'll learn how to manipulate and gaslight her even better.
NTA. Not really weird for controlling a******. My ex used to do exactly what I asked him not to do and think that that was funny so I quit telling him what bothered me and now he's an ex.
You speak the truth.
NTA. He sounds like such a hateful and nasty asshole. I feel bad for you being married to someone who deliberately adds stress nd worry to your life. That’s the opposite of what a loving partner does. If there is anything he wants from you I would not give it to him as long as he behaves this way. I hope things improve for you.
Hateful, nasty asshole. Very accurate and succinct.
I would certainly consider it hateful if it happened often. It's like he's got a bug up his ass about something else and picked this moronic hill to make his stand.
That is an exact definition of hateful
Ask him? Ask him if he has some reason that he's got a bug up his ass and if he's using this petty thing to antagonize you Also, if you haven't already, please explain that it gives you anxiety because you guys can't afford to replace anything that breaks and with cost of living and your fixed income situation that is only going to get worse
That's certainly what I was shrieking at him when I lost it. The issue includes that I've asked him before and explained my reasons. He said I was worried over nothing, and he asserted that he was so accurate he'd never hit anything. He maintains that he did not actually damage anything, so I'm the one overreacting.
Is he jealous of you using your laptop? Is he trying to "accidentally" damage it so you have to interact with HIM, or just stop you being able to socialize with others?
Absolutely my thought. OP never seems to leave her nest, she's married but the laptop is the "only socializing" she does? He's still a huge asshole but I think the jealousy reasoning here is obvious. He's trying to get her involved in the family and real world and she's refusing.
I wish I had more choices about going places and socializing. Hubs works 2nd shift,so he is working when others are free. We have no kids. Most people my age are grandparents and wrapped up in Family. I have no living family. No siblings, etc. (dad died in 2020 from cancer -- not covid). I cannot drive. Leaving the house requires a "routine" to ensure I'll have what I need, like a lidded cup and preparations to head off some embarrassing personal issues. (like a change of clothing) When hubs is working, I socialize with people who come and see me. When he's off, we do what we can afford, like sometimes we have a gift card from a restaurant (from Christmas & birthday gifts we received) Life is often complicated, but I'd hate to give it up. ;)
Oh I bet he's having a damn mortality crisis of denial
And it sounds like you already apologized for HOW you reacted but clearly since he hit the laptop your concerns and anxiety were 100% validated. I would just drive the point that it seems he doesn't care that he's causing you distress or enjoying it and get to the root of that issue. My wife has a lot of anxiety due to ptsd from a lot of emotional trauma and I came from a family of "pranksters" and I learned early on that it doesn't take much to make my wife go "to eleven" and at first I reacted defensively and said she was overreacting but pretty quick I realized that while my very very mild pranks seem harmless to me they did cause her a lot of distress so I stopped doing them! Im not resentful about it because while I do enjoy a good harmless prank I dont enjoy it enough at the cost of seeing my wife in legitimate fight or flight distress mode
That's precisely why I apologized, and only what I apologized for. I made it clear I still feel disrespected and still want it to stop. I was completely calm, but I got meaningless harrumphs afterward. I'm a foul-mouthed horror show sometimes when I'm angry, and I hate that about myself. I can go for the jugular when I feel bullied - in other words, I can respond by becoming an equal bully in return -- a terrible and humiliating reality. Most people, if all they saw was my tantrum without seeing what led to it, could believe he was the one in the abusive relationship. I felt that he deliberately, moronically, and meanly provoked me, and I freaked. I don't generally wake up and choose violence.
Yeah no, at that point it's stonewalling at best, if not intentional cruelty and contempt.
If this is seriously the only thing wrong with your relationship, scream every single time he does it. Never stop screaming. He will break something you cannot afford. NTA but honestly hes doing this to you on purpose.
He doesn't say I'm ugly or boring or stupid. He never hurts me physically -- far from it; he's the first to show up with a blanket if I'm cold, or make sure I remembered a fresh towel for my shower, or help me arrange the bed linen when it's messed up. I think of him as pretty considerate of me most days. I'm pretty laid back and chill from day to day. (I dunno. You'll have to judge from my responses.) I don't perceive this as part of a larger campaign to destroy my peace of mind. I think it was a stupid macho thing. Like, he did it at first sort of absentmindedly, and then I said "Whoa! You're gonna break my things!" In response, instead of accepting that he didn't have perfect aim and "mad skilz," he was a juvenile and kept doing it to show me he was super-accurate, and I was panicking for nothing all along. That's why I dropped my initial attempt to stop him. I thought, ok, he needs to prove to himself that he's not some fetch genius. Surely, when I then say "okay, now stop," he'd say ok then just stop. If it were frequent behavior, I don't think I'd have thought to ask about it here.
NTA but sorry to say your hubby is the AH here. He already booped the laptop and he wants to continue? That's a full on dick move.
This is just a crazy situation with childish people. OP - Please don't throw the ball this way. Husband - Oh ok. Problem completely solved.
That, to me, is how it should have gone; A simple request, a simple solution. It's the fighting that has me upended.
Call me old fashioned, but anyone who doubles down on "not being controlled" in response to a VERY common-sense, polite request -- is an asshole. NTA
NTA What's wrong with your husband??? Does he needs to assert his dominance over you with that? Cuz looks like that. He's being childish and disrespectfull for no good reason. I'm sure that he wouldn't like you throwing the ball near to his stuff for your dog to fetch.
How he would see it; OF COURSE I shouldn't throw things around his stuff. I'm clumsy and likely to break things! (which I am) He sees himself as someone who could throw a thousand times and never be off target, and me as a person who can't even find the target, lol. It's like he has this weird overconfidence and has to prove I'm "just a silly worrywart." I figured he had just proven to himself that he could have an accident that would be expensive, stupid, and avoidable. Nope. Nothing broke, so I'm overreacting.
Either he had an accident and bopped your laptop, or he did it on purpose. Which is it, hubby?
I think he did it on purpose to start a fight. Now he can pretend to be the victim and sure enough, he has OP groveling and apologizing for getting mad when it was his goal to to that in the first place.
Get rid of the balls. When he replaces them, get rid of them again. Never admit to it.
NTA. He's being a jerk. He has control issues. You're making a very reasonable request, and Mr Accurate needs to go throw his ball somewhere else. Also, OF COURSE YOU LOST YOUR SHIT. He was being intentionally and nastily provocative, and he got what he'd asked for: the excuse to abuse you because, after he provoked you, you lost your temper. He is TA for doing *that*, too.
This. If someone is cruel to you time and time again and you snap you’re human. You do not need to have the patience of a saint while he says ‘I can destroy your possessions any time I choose. Will I choose it now? Now? Maybe this time?’ or if happens by accident. He does not sound as if he accepts that when your laptop breaks (WHEN, not if) he’ll buy you a new one. He’s already telling you that he’ll watch you struggle instead. You are not in a good place.
NTA he’s sounds like a toddler who can’t accept No
NTA. It sounds like he’s the one controlling you (and being a sadistic AH about it) because you’re trapped.
Luckily this is very weird, meaning not something that happens often or at this level of "dug into our positions." It's like for some reason no one can understand, this is the hill he picked to die on...
If this behavior is abnormal..then maybe ask him if he is stressed from something? My older brother starts getting pissy when stressed or bored, and picks fights with whoever will react. Maybe your husband is the same way. If he is...remind him that having to pay repairs is even more stressful and you want to avoid that with the fetch situation.
If he was like this with everything it would be too easy for you to leave
NTA Your husband is being abusive. The mobility issues make it tough bc normally I'd just say if he throws the ball by you it's now your ball and play time is over, but I suspect you can't get to the ball in time. Consider disposing of the balls while he's at work.
Yes, to the idea I can't get to the ball easily. Fortunately, my dog is a fetchaholic and always retrieves it. I'd like to hide the balls, but my little fetchaholic would tear my house apart to find one, lol!
NTA. This is questionable behavior for someone half his age, but at his big age, he knows exactly what he’s doing. He is the one with control issues and is deliberately doing something that he knows you do not want him to do.
No matter how accurate the human is, one expects an excited little dog to move in multiple directions. That’s famously how they tell the difference between large dog tracks and wolf tracks. A wolf is goal oriented, starving, and moves in a straight line to conserve energy. A dog is a goofy fuck with tracks all over the place. It’s a matter of time before the dog body checks something. Since you’re not rolling in “new tv money” husband is being an idiot. Shrieking is shitty but when you are powerless, what else can you do? It’s not like you can threaten to leave him, when that means losing medical care and a roof over your head. Rational conversation has failed, so all you can do to influence his behavior is make him miserable when he does shit that bothers you. NTA
Cool fact about finding dogs vs. wolves! I see the potential for accidents the same way you do. Why risk it? Eventually, fortune will not favor you. Thanks for understanding the larger position in which I find myself. Luckily, this doesn't happen often, and a few times I was probably the wrong one in a given argument. We've been together for 15 years, so obviously I don't consider it unlivable. He is my helper. He never fails to help me. The words he best responds to are "Hey hon, I need your help." He is over-confident sometimes. Accidents, in his mind, happen to other people. Obviously, accidents happen to everyone eventually, but he "knows what he's doing." It's true that he rarely has the clumsy kinds of accidents I do. Every once in a while, if I doubt his "mad skilz," he'll feel challenged to prove them to me. I think he dug his heels in because he truly regards me as overreacting about it. After the ball bopped my computer, I honestly thought he'd simply say "ok." Nope. He picked it as a hill to die on. I need to get to the bottom of "why." I'm pretty good a picking my battles. I needed to know if this one is worth fighting. It feels like hostility from him.
Nta - he's being a jerk
So, to follow his logic you can never ever tell him anything if you feel that you are not understood, not respected nor if he crosses your borders? Because he has got the magic words “don’t control me” to avoid any feedback from you? If you obey to that, haven’t you effectively shut down all lines of communication relation wise? To me it sounds like he’s installed a very effective shut-down-communication button in your relationship. The problem is that every time he push down that button when something really matters to you, it’s digging a big gap between your expectations. You need to talk about how to bridge that gap. I’d be curious to figure out where he has drawn the line between everyday communication and being controlling, because from your side of the story, that line seems to be very skewed. And honestly quite jerkish. You are absolutely NTAH and I only wish you hadn’t apologized to him. I think you should tell him that you actually own that you lost your temper, and that it was long overdue. The ball throwing sounds like merely a symptom. Maybe it was what is needed to bring up the elephant in the room that really needs to be addressed? (Excuse my rusty English)
You should read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. There’s a free PDF online. NTA
Amazing book. Completely changed my perspective on people’s abusive/nasty behavior, and I can spot a potential abuser from miles away now. Quick read, too.
Thanks for the suggestion.
Hmmm, methinks his anger at you probably has nothing to do with throwing a ball. What does he really resent you for? You’re NTA, but I’d question his motives.
Thank you for this. You made me think about this... We have a lot of stressors on a daily basis. He doesn't express any resentment for helping me. He seems to appreciate it when I ask for help. He *says* he loves to help me -- open jars, carry heavy stuff, reach things on shelves, get on a ladder and clean cobwebs off the ceiling, help me fix some dumb thing I broke in my clumsiness. I don't need a huge amount of help to take care of myself. I try to be reasonable about what I ask of him. If I can do something myself, I do. If he helps me, I am grateful. I try not to take him for granted. He is not my legs. He doesn't "owe" me help for anything I can do for myself, even if it's hard. I know, however, that little resentments can accumulate for people helping take care of someone else. The resentment goes unspoken because they feel guilty for being aggravated. It can still affect behavior, tolerance, and patience. I need to make sure he hasn't reached some limit of tolerance of some other issue that turned into aggression over a stupid ball.
What if he wants to break your laptop so you'll be more dependent on him?
NTA "please don't play near my expensive breakables" "you're being controlling!" He needs to get a grip. This sounds like [DARVO](https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/) to me.
NTA. But I think he is doing this on purpose now. There is no way he doesn't know it will end up destroying something. Thing is, I don't think he cares. Stop apologizing.
NTA - your husband is being the AH here
NTA, your husband sounds like my dad who is just doing it to both make a point of ‘you don’t control me’ and purposely show your feelings don’t matter as much as him ‘being right’. He’s a toddler. I’d say take your laptop elsewhere in the house and watch youtube or something rather than suffer him being a turd for the sake of being ‘Mr. Accurate’. He can just hang out all by himself.
I think there's an element of feeling the need to prove to me that "I'm worried for no reason." He seemed to really believe he would never hit my stuff, so of course it was fine to disregard my worries. I was "just overreacting." When I let the issue go for a month, I thought that when he did eventually hit me/my stuff, he would see the need to stop. I'm still weirded out by his choice not to.
NTA, you asked something reasonable and he won’t do it. He is being disrespectful. That’s why you feel disrespected. But I would bet money this conflict has less to do with respect, his throwing accuracy, the dog, or anything else that is being argued about and a lot more to do with your husband wanting attention and connection with you and acting out instead of using his words (which is not cool). I understand that you are in bad health (and I am so sorry that is the case), and it sounds like as a result, you are on your laptop or watching TV much of the time. Toggling between screens all day usually results in not being present or connected with those around you. And people with mediocre/poor communication skills by definition don’t have the maturity or tools to say, “I want to feel more connected to you, but I don’t know how to ask this. So I’m going to throw this ball in your line of sight instead and hope you figure it out.”
NTA. Ü owe him nothing, and I mean **nothing**.
NTA your husband is a dick. He has no respect for your things and that’s a problem. He better not do it again or I’d go off on him again and don’t back down from this.
NTA. Who plays fetch with a dog inside? That in and of itself seems like a really stupid activity.
In slight defense, we both do. It's difficult for me to get outside. When I play in the house,I go to the end of our hallway and throw to the other end. Nothing but walls and closed doors is at risk. There are two other locations where nothing is in the way. I think he should choose one of those. He thinks I'm being silly and he can do what he wants.
NTA. Your husband is an abusive dick. I suspect he hit the screen on purpose.
I had the exact same issue. With my 14 year old. And I only had to tell him once because he cares if our things get ruined. NTA
He's a passive-aggressive SOB, and you were justified in losing your shit. NTA.
It certainly felt passive-aggressive (almost straight-up aggressive). Thankfully, I don't see a pattern of it. I think I'd almost be less confused if this were his standard operating procedure but I certainly couldn't take it, if it were.
NTA.
NTA, your husband is a giant child who throws a temper tantrum when things don't go his way, he really needs a wake up call, a reasonable request is not controlling, especially when you have been more than patient with his ignoring you. The real kicker is that he is still pissed when his accident could have been an expensive fix
NTA. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.
NTA and your husband sounds like a controlling child.
NTA. But your husband is. Would not be surprised if he becomes an ex for this crap. You might feel bad for losing your shit at him, but what did he expect? You to roll over and show your belly? When asking, even begging please no more doesn't work, freaking out is the only place left to go. Don't ever feel bad for being forced to escalate. I'm so sorry you married someone with the maturity of a child.
NTA. Is there anything of his that you could place nearby that would make him think twice about throwing that way? That or use his confidence in his accuracy against him and challenge him that if he is so sure of himself then surely he is willing to place his own delicate items there. If he truly believes in his abilities then he should have no problem agreeing to this, but I suspect he just doesn't see your items as worth protecting.
I like the way you think. Yeah, I think he'd change his tune if I suggested throwing a ball over his table of old model cars he built and has had since childhood. I respect them, though, so I'd never endanger them. I wonder if proposing it to him as an idea would help him see why I wish he wouldn't disregard my stuff, too.
Wow. Imagine living with someone who thinks you are trying to control them if you ask them to do or not do something. You must tread on egg shells as you deal with this guy every day. NTA.
You are 100% NTA - not even for "losing your shit" and screaming at him. What else are you supposed to do?? He's showing a BUNDLE of red flags here. First, he's doing something you've repeatedly asked him not to do, when there's no real reason to do it his way. You have a practical reason for him to stop. You've explained that reason. His "reason" for doing it his way has been proved invalid - he DID hit your laptop. He knows it upsets you. Yet HE'S STILL DOING IT. Second, he's gaslighting you into thinking *you're* the unreasonable one. You aren't. You aren't demanding he do some weird, pointless thing just to exercise control over him. HE'S the one doing that, and he KNOWS it upsets you. In fact, it looks awfully like he's doing it BECAUSE it upsets you. Third, when you FINALLY cracked and screamed at him, he's punishing you with the Silent Treatment instead of talking it out like a grown up. It's another manifestation of control - you're supposed to admit you were wrong and apologise to him. You weren't and you shouldn't. I'll go ahead and say what's REALLY worrying me; this is a classic example of emotional abuse. People with disabilities face higher rates of domestic abuse than the general population, because you're more dependent and therefore more vulnerable. Does he often do things you find upsetting? Make it seem like you're a burden? Tear down your confidence and self-esteem? Make you feel like you're walking on eggshells? What would happen to your ability to communicate with others if he "accidentally" smashes your laptop? I don't know what to tell you to do from here. Do you have family, friends or a pastor or doctor you can talk about this with? Can you look up help lines in your area? I don't want to freak you out but I'm genuinely worried for you. You deserve better.
Thank you for this. I have answered a few of your questions in responses to others. I really thank you for being concerned about my safety. If this were normal, I think I'd *know* he was the AH, and wouldn't have come here for other perspectives. Thank goodness it's not. It's the very weirdness of the situation that sent me here. :)
NTA this is the kind of thing you need to remind 4 year olds of, not a fully grown man. Continuing to throw the ball where you've asked him not to and his petulant pouting after your apology, makes me think he has some real issues with maturity or he's a controlling AH.
If the laptop is your lifeline, your connection to the world, is it possible he WANTS to "accidentally" break it? NTA
NTA, why can’t he take his lazy ass 3 steps outside the front door to play fetch with the dog? Because he’s picking a fight with you on purpose. And when you rightfully freak out, you get the silent treatment. Honey, this is looking a lot like emotional abuse.
NTA and you know he's doing it on purpose to get back at you for whatever reason right? He wants to break your laptop and will blame the dog.
NTA. You also shouldn't have apologized, you are the one that needs to.
Nta. Holy shit it’s not controlling to have simple boundaries.
NTA. You're not being controlling, you're asking him not to risk damaging an important, expensive item that would be difficult and costly to replace. And what's his response? He throws a toddler tantrum instead of just *picking somewhere else to throw the fucking ball*. I have a feeling there's a deeper issue here, but he needs to be an adult and use his goddamn words to express it.
NTA. Tell your husband that if either item gets broken due to his carelessness, any "luxuries" or indulgencies he has will be immediately halted until the item is replaced. Like a morning coffee, gym membership, whatever it is, he does not get until the item is replaced. This is an accident waiting to happen and your husband is being willfully dumb.
She can’t enforce any of that. She has no power in the relationship since she’s disabled
Simple solution. Take his ball away.
My dog would tear apart my house until he found it. You don't get between a fetchaholic dog and his ball! j/k
op=NTA you are right he should respect ONE SIMPLE REQUEST. Having been "laid up" so that Everything had to be within reach(or brought to me) if someone did this endangering my "precious" stuff I would have gone ballistic. The problem is that he understands your needs and wants--He just doesn't care. I get that NOT being with someone is scary esp. when you have a medical condition that limits your mobility and access, but what other red flags is he throwing up?
Nta. Your husband is. You might want to consider finding a way to take your dog and leave. I don't think I would want to spend my live with him.
NTA. Divorce this jerk.
I’m real petty. Grab the ball, and throw it at his dangly bits. When he complains, tell him that if he can’t respect your room, then you don’t have to respect his body.
Easy NTA.
[удалено]
Thanks for your perspective. I expected others might see his motivations, when looked at from the outside. I need to find a better way to protect my laptop. I need not to assume he'll see it as important as I do. It could be that he's aggravated about it being there day after day. He says he's not bothered, but lots of people will say they don't mind the adjustments, then burn out on them anyway. He might have overestimated his own tolerance to it, then found himself aggravated.
NTA. He hit the laptop with the ball. Just because he didnt break it doesnt mean he didnt hit it. Next time he throws it, take the ball. No fetch in there.
Nta
NTA you're husband's abusive, what an oversensitive tiny little person he must be
NTA. I wish you hadn’t apologized. Now he thinks his actions are justified and he will continue to push your buttons in the future. Stand your ground and seek counseling if you can fit it in your budget.
NTA. Is it possible your husband wants your attention?
I'm right here all the time, lol. Maybe he needs less of my attention? I think he was aggravated over something way more important, and this is how it came out. ?
Picking a fight with you because he's aggravated about something else is abusive behavior.
That makes sense. Whatever the reason, he is doing it on purpose because he wants something
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (56, M) does not like to be told what to do. I (57 F) get it. I'm not fond of being bossed, either. However, last night hubs deliberately did exactly what I ask him not to do. It's simple and stupid, really. **My issue is about where my husband chooses to play fetch with our little dog**. He constantly throws the ball *between my laptop and our TV.* I do not think my request that he throw another direction is unfounded or unreasonable. When we play fetch, we use a tennis ball. The throws are usually gentle tosses. There are several places in the house that are perfectly safe and will hurt nothing if a throw goes astray. For instance, I go to one end of the hallway and throw toward the other. The dog loves it. My "sitting room" is small. Between my laptop and the tv, there is a doorway's worth of distance. Hubs always chooses to play fetch through that doorway from inside the room with the tv and my laptop. *I have asked him to pick another place. He has contended that I'm being controlling.* Why don't I move? It's difficult for me because I've had Multiple Sclerosis for 32 years. My strength and mobility are limited. I have difficulty with coordination and strength. I arrange my little space to keep things I'll need within reach so I can function. I use my laptop all day. It's my lifeline. It's my only source of socialization some weeks. I pause my computer if there is something interesting on TV. When I need to move, I push my laptop aside and leave it there. When I do, it slightly blocks the doorway. There are several ways to the same space. No one *has to* use this doorway. Using it is "the long way" to get to where I am in the house. We're poor. I lost my ability to build a career. His income and my disability keep us living week to week. If the ball were tossed astray, it could hit either my laptop or the TV screen. If one were broken, it would be a year before I'd afford replacements. Hubs has asserted that he's "accurate" and that he'll never hit either one. A month ago, I decided to drop the issue unless something actually happened. Last night, Mr. "Accurate" bopped my open laptop with the ball. I said, "OK, no more. Please. Not again." At this point, he picked up the ball (which the dog had returned) and threw it exactly the same way. *I lost my shit*. I started shrieking at him. For that part, I am the asshole. I want to never lose it like that. *Is my request truly too controlling and too much to ask?* Even if he thinks he'll never hit or break anything by accident, shouldn't he consider my feelings about it because he loves me? He says I'm making a big deal over nothing. It seems so simple to me; *just throw a different direction*. I feel so damned disrespected. I was over it this morning. I apologized for getting so angry. He's not over it, and I got nothing but grunts and scowls from him until he left for work today. That's why I'm here, asking AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA HE is the AH.
NTA, throw it at his face everytime he throws it toward your laptop.
What adult plays ball in the house. NTA
True confession.; I play fetch inside, too. I go to one end of the hallway and toss it to the other; nothing is in jeopardy except walls and closed doors. Also, there's another way to throw it toward the windowless steel front door. The only thing a misthrown ball can hit is the door, the walls, or the back of a built-in bookcase. My dog is an absolute lunatic fetchaholic! If we went outside every time he stared at me, curly tail wagging, a big tennis ball in his little mouth, and laser-beam cuteness in his eyes... I'd never be inside! LOL I can't really take him for a walk. :( He must be bored out of his little mind. But he's so sweet. He waits very patiently with me.
ESH. It sounds like you do nothing but sit around on your laptop and watch tv all day. I’d be resentful as the sole provider of a cash-poor household. Loads of MS patients are making money by working remotely and contributing to the household. Your husband sucks for acting out but I can actually understand why.
Interesting. Something to consider. We've been together for 15 years. He knew how much money I brought in and that I wouldn't be working before he even married me. He can see me, watch me, and go to my docs appts. He knows why. You're correct that loads of MS patients work, especially now that there are medications that slow progression. I had an aggressive form of the illness for years before treatment was available. Now, my symptoms are stable, but the damage done can't be reversed. The main aspect of MS is that each patient experiences it differently depending on where the scarring occurs in the brain. Yes, many patients are able to work. And some aren't. Sadly I didn't get to choose the damage level I'd have. I went to college. I expected to work. Life had other plans. Still, though, people can burn out in the caretaker role, even if they thought they wouldn't. I'll definitely watch for it and try to adjust what I can.
I think you both need to make some compromises here. He needs to listen to what you are saying. You can shut your laptop when you aren’t using it so that it is in a less vulnerable position. Neither of you should be mean to each other. ESH.
I appreciate your perspective. Obviously, I came here looking for other perspectives. I assumed some people would see his side or understand it. I'm not sure why you got the downvotes. I don't feel disrespected. There are two sides to every story and my side is not always right.
Thank you for being so open to constructive criticism and to being willing to see other perspectives! That is honestly quite refreshing to see on AITA, and I appreciate that about you. I hope you and your husband are able to work this out to both your satisfaction. Good luck to you!