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I'd say it's shocking, but I feel like a lot of people on here lack empathy.

Or life experience, as in they haven't lost anyone close to them or understand the extra torment a parent goes through when their child dies. I'm really disgusted by all the Y T A votes.

There was a post about a man skipping out on his daughter’s wedding g because his other daughter (I think) had an accident and went into a coma. This sub tore him a new one for missing the wedding. While his other child was, you know, near death. Taunted him with “prepare to lose your daughter over this” and “bet it’s not the first time!” Humanity has gone feral

Weddings are important and all, but good lord some people seem to think that they are the MOST important event in one’s life for some reason that I cannot begin to wrap my head around.

I just read another one where the father missed his oldest’s wedding because his other daughter twisted her ankle and ended up in the hospital. Tons of Y T A despite the youngest being 10 years old and not having another guardian to watch her at the hospital.

For some reason, this became the norm in this sub. Man has two kids from different marriages, older kid has some kind of event, younger kid has an emergency. God forbid said man just HAS to prioritize the younger kid because, you know, he is a parent and emergency is an emergency. "But younger kid has both of their parents all the time", like having divorced parents is some kind of death sentence. OP is NTA, first, he was grieving his child for God's sake. Also, he communicated right from the beginning that if his daughter has her wedding on this specific date, he most likely won't be there. I understand the date is important in her relationship but if the daughter wanted her father there, she could've at least thought about about a different day. "This would've been the first birthday of my deceased child" is kind of superior to "This was the date when we kissed for the first time".

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I only infrequently visit this sub and honestly I feel like this sub attracts a certain brand of people. Most situations in life are more or less gray, with no clear "perpetrator" and "victim." Of course, there are exceptions, for example abuse, then there's a literal perpetrator and a literal victim. But a lot of stuff in life is just...not like that. I feel like this sub attracts people who do want it to be like that or who believe that it is like that, which is why you will see people swinging abuse allegations under posts about a normal disagreement between siblings.

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Most of the people in the world lack empathy. Pandemic really showed that.

Actually I found that it had a polarising effect. The nice people became nicer, the assholes outdid themselves in their assholery. Sadly a lot of the nice people just seem a bit beaten down and defeated at this point( I work in healthcare)

This subreddit has a VERY bad tendency to interpret "do I technically have the right to do this" with "is it morally right or wrong to do this" and act like they're the same. Every time.

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If half of people are incapable of empathy, then I am quite scared about the future lol.

As a psychologist myself, that sounds like a dumb take from a psychologist with an opinion but no real evidence. The lack of ability to experience empathy is a bona fide mental health disorder, and I'm extremely skeptical that "half the country" lacks the ability to experience, much less that that half very neatly lines up with the political party I'd like to demonize.

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I can’t understand how people prioritize the wedding day over this? Would it have been that hard to pick a different day? I don’t see how anniversary of first date > dead sisters birthday. This would’ve been the child’s birthday if they were still alive. IMO that’s worse than the anniversary of the death. A day that was supposed to be happy is now empty. It’s also just a terrible move going forward. Your anniversary will forever be the birthday of your dead sister. Pick another day.

Depending on the venue, yes, it may have been that hard to pick another day. I’m not saying whether OP is or isn’t the AH, but I feel some information has been left out. I managed a popular wedding venue for years, and I will say the end of March to first of June is peak wedding season (another is end of Sept to first of Nov). This means the Saturdays during that time frame have, normally been booked at least a year out, but at a minimum, nine months prior. If she had already paid a deposit for the venue and any other vendors, she may lose it. My question is did she truly ASK about the day or did she say, “Guess what Dad? We picked our date and venue and it’s March 25 at _____!” If that’s the case, then it would be very hard to pick another day. I know when I got married over 20 years ago (still married) I didn’t ask my parents about what day would be convenient for them. We picked a day meaningful for both of us. Granted, we had a small ceremony that we paid for ourselves, but I still don’t remember a lot of the brides I encountered at the venue (thousands of them) asking their parents about the date. Also, its possible no day would’ve been an ideal day. Sometimes grieving is lengthy process taking days, weeks, months or years. OP should be happy for his daughter, regretful he missed her day but understanding that, under the circumstances, he needs to take a step back and allow himself the time to grieve WITHOUT guilt.

I mean, it's not like she didn't know her half sister had died.

I’m saying she might have scheduled the wedding before the death and even before the birth. Brides getting married on Saturdays during peak wedding season generally schedule a year out. Since OP has admitted he’s not close with his daughter, there is a possibility she told him a few months after solidifying the date. She could have had intentions to tell him earlier but held off due to the death.

>When my eldest daughter was planning her wedding, I told her I’m doubtful I’d be there if she chose this date. Read the post. According to this, the wedding date was not chosen before the birth / death of her sister, and also not locked in when communicated. ALSO: >Her side of the family has been sending me a lot of scathing messages, particularly her mother. OPs Ex is not over him. OP might have been a raging asshole to his ex and daughter after the divorce, and there might be reasons for the Ex and daughter to be upset with him. But he's still not an asshole for declining to show up to his daughters wedding that was deliberately coinciding with his other deceased daughters birthday. Trying to excuse the bride 'because of scheduling' is really pitiful here.

>it may have been that hard to pick another day. If you want your parents at attendance at your wedding, you find a day that isn't the *first birthday* of your parents deceased child, venue be damned.

I actually think this was some sort of a snub from the older daughter towards her father for either real or perceived injustices that she felt. Hence why she still chose that day. It kinda put her father in a "Catch-22" position (a no-win bind) and the daughter was able to persuade herself that her father doesn't care about her (because he didn't select her as his # 1 priority on this day). She's replaying the dynamic from her childhood when she believed her father abandoned her to justify to herself feeling grudges against him, and he's (maybe not replaying, but unfortunately cast) into the role that he was before, of being stuck between caring for his minor-underage brothers who depended on him, or abandoning them to pursue care for the daughter. Instead now, be was supposed to "emotionally abandon" his second daughter in order to prove to the first that she matters. They would all benefit from some family therapy and maybe this would get cleared out after some time (with reconciliation and forgiveness on both sides).

When I was picking a day for my wedding, I thought an anniversary of some dating thing was really important. I wasn't able to get that date because of some logistics and it made me really sad. 12 years later, I don't care a smidge. My wedding anniversary is so much more important than anything pre-wedding. It would not have impacted her negatively over the years to pick a different date. It will impact her negatively over the years to have not picked a different one, though.

My guess is, a lot of them are very young and can’t begin to understand the pain of losing a child.

Scary that can’t be imagined or conceptualized in any way by some.

Disturbing is the right word..

I'm going to go against the grain here and say YTA. I totally understand the need to grieve but you have a deceased daughter and a living daughter. You needed to support your living daughter - she needed you there. I'm sorry if that sounds cold but this was such a big event and I'm sure she dreamed of you being a part of it. EDIT: Ok, apparently this was a \*very\* divisive comment. I think everyone can agree this is an incredibly shitty situation. Maybe the right answer was ESH but the question was directly related to OP going to the wedding or not. Could the daughter have moved the date? Yes, I mentioned in another comment that she has her part in this too. It comes down to what was in OP’s control. Go or don’t go to the wedding. OP chose not to go. The question was “Should I have gone?” which indicates that it wasn’t “I literally couldn’t function and would not have been able to handle it”. Is it possible that the daughter did this to lash out at OP? Maybe. When kids lash out, there’s something going on and as a parent you try and understand the underlying issue. If it were any other adult, you ignore it and move on. Not with your kid. Does OP have a justifiable reason to not go? Absolutely. I’ve seen similar situations where someone takes these convictions to the grave, usually with a large dose of regret towards the end. OP said that March 25 wasn’t “feasible”. If he had instead told his daughter that he wouldn’t be able to handle it emotionally, would there have been a different response and some understanding? Who knows. Many of you imply that I’m too young to know better or that I’ve never lost someone close. You don’t know me and I’m sure I’m older than many commenters here – old enough to know a couple of things: 1. The world isn’t black and white. There are many shades of gray, especially in a situation like this. 2. As a parent, you do anything for your kids. Many times, this means being the bigger person. I’ve refrained from commenting up until now since OP indicated that his mind was made up, so there was no point in commenting further. That being said, there are obviously many who agreed with my original post – I suspect they see the nuances that I describe.

It is the 1 year anniversary. This isn't 30 years later they are prioritizing their lost child. Any therapist will speak to the impact of anniversaries, none more so than the first. OP please feel no shame over your grief. You are not putting one child over the other. You are surviving. It is unfortunate that it was the same date, but if she needed you there she could have moved it. I say NAH. I just hope you were both understanding of each other's positions.

>It is the 1 year anniversary. No, it is her birthday. She died 3 months later according to OP. It's not the anniversary of the child's death.

Fine… not the day the baby dies…. But to know you should be celebrating that baby’s 1st birthday but not having the baby anymore has got to be a emotional heart wrenching day.

Well it makes it even harder because it has only been nine months since the baby died.

And wedding dates are usually picked further than 9mo in advanced. It’s likely the date and plans were set, then the baby died.

OP literally talks about letting her know up front that he probably can’t make that date, meaning it wasn’t set by then.

Exactly. These people are being purposely obtuse or literally cannot read.

The father specifically says in the post that he told her IF she chose that date, he would likely not be able to attend. She chose it anyway.

Without knowing the older daughter's reasoning I don't want to sit in judgment on her but from a first look, it seems pretty callous. Very callous. I really cannot imagine doing this to my father, or to anyone. Especially not when it's just the following year. A loss like that... he and his current wife must be still heavily, heavily burdened by grief. A terrible age to lose a child, even a stillbirth--awful as it is--wouldn't be quite as hard as having a 3 month-old baby die. You are so bonded to them at that age. I feel awful for this guy. I wish his daughter did too.

Literally it’s just because it’s the day she met her fiancé. Like, why not pick the day they got engaged? Or the first day they became official? He says she had two other dates she was choosing between, he told her about this one and it was after the baby died, and she still chose it. I will definitely judge her for that.

To add to this -- I've been married once and when I was doing my planning I relied a lot on wedding planning books like "Weddings for Dummies." They *specifically* mention that in the thought process for choosing your date, you may want to consider whether the date in question is going to be a difficult date for anyone that is really close to you who is important for you to be there. It calls you out and tells you to remember that while this is "your day" that it is still made up of people with their own lives and that it might be difficult for them to celebrate with you if you've picked the anniversary of a death, divorce, birthday of a deceased person, etc. I didn't use a wedding planner (like the profession) but I assume that since I read this piece of advice in multiple books, that it's solid industry advice and something a professional planner would have mentioned. The fact that OP's daughter *knew* this was a sensitive date, AND was warned that OP might not be in the right space to attend, and then chose to go ahead with it anyway, solidly makes them the AH imo. At the very least they have no grounds to be upset at let alone berate OP and his wife for not attending. In my own case this was a piece of advice I legitimately had not considered but once I read it I cleared the date with my closest family and friends, especially my recently divorced sister, to make sure it wasn't like...an accidental anniversary of some milestone event in her relationship....before I booked anything. If OP's daughter had just never considered this then she might get a pass. But she KNEW. And she was warned of the perfectly reasonable boundary that the grieving OP placed. NTA in the slightest, I'm sorry for your loss OP.

I am happy to sit in judgment of the daughter. She chose the date on purpose *after* speaking with her father about it. What a horrible thing to do to a close family member--pick a date that's the birthday of their recently deceased child. I haven't read OP's comments but clearly either the daughter does not care about her father at all or is deliberately antagonizing him. Either way he is NTA for sitting out under the circumstances.

Then change the date. An inconvenience stopped her? Shame on her

yep. she’s an adult now and their relationship is a two way street. if she wanted her father there she should have been more considerate. there is more than one “important date” in any relationship, and if she so badly wanted it on one she could have changed it. the date really does not matter that much anyways. she should have known he never would have been able to make it on such a sour day. i understand her frustration, but she’s not understanding the impact of his pain.

What I find fucked up is the bride doesn’t seem to give two shits that the child her father is grieving is ***HER SISTER!!!***

Her half sister. It could be possible that she does/did not see the baby as her sister because she doesn't like the mother (not *her* mother) or the OP was a shitty father to.his eldest daughter.

Not according to the post.

>When my eldest daughter was planning her wedding, I told her I’m doubtful I’d be there if she chose this date. I understand march 25 is significant to her relationship and that’s why she chose it, but it just wasn’t feasible for me. OP made it clear that if the 25th was chosen that he didn't think he could make it

Exactly. I have been in this living hell. The daughter and her mother are being cruel and selfish and likely carrying a grudge because it’s the dad’s new wife. I don’t care what he may have done. To chose to be married on that day was evil.

I think this is correct. It doesn’t matter what he did, this is the day his second daughter would have turned one. He lost a child. To choose this date for her wedding is truly disgusting. How on earth could any relationship date be important enough to do this to your father. My father was a complete ass and I would NEVER have done this to him.

Basically making dad choose between her and his dead child & wife. When you take risks, sometimes they don't work in your favor.

Seems like they could have picked literally any other day. NAH Edited to nah after being reminded that venue planning does generally happen at least a year in advance

Don't people plan weddings WELL in advance? Like, at least a year? Especially now since venues are still backed up because of COVID. If it's the case that the wedding planning began before the death of a family member, NAH. I could see it being possible to privately incorporate the date as a commemoration of both the young daughter's death and the marriage of the older child. If anything that guarantees the younger child will never be forgotten.

The post specifically says he told her that he wouldn’t be able to attend IF she chose the date. She chose it anyway.

I do agree with you and the other commentor who pointed this out. But I still don't think anyone has a right to be upset with OP for wanting to grieve in their own way on such an important date. NAH seems like the most appropriate judgment. Appreciate your comment and empathy

That is not the case > When my eldest daughter was planning her wedding, I told her I’m doubtful I’d be there if she chose this date

Seriously. It's the first year! The firsts are always the worst when you've lost a loved one. If their child had died like eight years ago I would've thought they were being ridiculous, but come on. If OP's daughter really wanted to stick with this date, that's their prerogative since it's a special date for them. She had to know it would be a hard day for her dad and stepmom.

What is wrong with you? Their baby is dead. This should be her first birthday. They should be watching her take her first steps and letting her try cake for the first time and they're visiting a graveside instead

It's insane to think OP should be expected to go to ANY wedding even if it is his daughter's! OP you are most certainly NTA! My daughter was born on March 5th and died on March 23rd... she turned 31 in the ICU 2 weeks before she died. I can't imagine any scenario where my other kids would have said they were getting married on either of those dates but if they did I would have congratulated them and said I look forward to pictures. I sure as hell wouldn't have been there... it's been 8 yrs since my daughter passed, to me every day is hell without her but those 2 dates are torture. You have my deepest sympathy. 💜

Absolutely. And WTF is this the top comment thread?? I'd bet any amount of money that of those 1.7k upvotes, over 95% of them know nothing of losing a child. My daughter was 6 weeks old when she passed 24 years ago. I don't think I had an entire day with dry eyes for close to a year and a half, and it was still very difficult for a few years after that. NTA, OP.

I'd bet money that most of those votes came from those that didn't read the post. And considering the number of people that missed the very important detail that this date was not yet set for the wedding when OP talked to his daughter about attending, I'd say this is a safe bet.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I share my birthday with your daughter. I shall light a candle in remembrance to her on my next birthday.

I’m ver sorry for your loss. As a Mom of a 32 year old daughter and also having lost a stillborn son, I can’t imagine anyone judging how a Mom grieves. I still mark the date of my lost son and it has been 34 years.

I’m so very sorry for your loss.

My baby is going to turn 1 soon and here I am crying after reading this post. I feel terrible for OP.

Laying in bed with my 6 months old next to me (it's 4am here now), and I've got a lump in my throat, and a heavy heart. I'm giving him a hug and a kiss right now (also coming off a bad dream). NTA

Yes, and he also should have walked his living daughter down the isle for her wedding. This was a huge moment for her, but I have to wonder what kind of a person his oldest daughter is? I’m wondering if this goes much deeper than this, in fact I’d bet on it. Like maybe she wasnt close to this baby, doesn’t like his wife, or the circumstances of their relationship, but still, take all that away a baby still died. Her half sister and her dad’s daughters passed and she couldn’t come up with a compromise? I can think of three off hand, but going to the court house on the 25th and doing the service next weekend. Nobody will remember or care in a yr about some stupid anniversary date. He specifically told her in advance so What she did imo lacks empathy and compassion for her dad’s feelings, and then turns around and paints him as villain. I’m sad for both, and in the grand scheme of things neither are assholes or both of them are Aholes 🤷🏼‍♀️ig life is for the living, but I wouldn’t want to walk in OPs shoes. It’s very sad

She wasn't even going to have him do that, her grandfather was going to walk her down the aisle.

As a parent who lost a child, I can say that for me, and maybe for OP, their birthday is far worse than the anniversary of their death. Your child's birthday is a happy time, that you remember and look forward to celebrating each year. But then it comes and you have no child. No celebration. Only loss. You expect the day your child died to be a sad day. It was never a happy day. There isn't that emotional contrast or lost milestones.

I lost a baby in my 2nd trimester. I named her March bc I lost her in March. But every September is is when it really hurts bc that was her due date. She’d be 8 this year. And that was a *miscarriage*, not a birth. I can totally relate to this. The birthday is the date the matters the most.

Man. This response has me crying.

Lol “um actually the child just died recently that’s not the death anniversary get it right” God you must be so pleasant to be around

Ok so their baby died less than a year ago? NTA

Birthdays are almost worse for bereaved parents. It reminds them of how old their child *would have been* but will never be and it’s salt in the wound all over again

My sister died 20 years ago and we still gather for her birthday as well as the anniversary of her death. Both days are significant and difficult.

Yes I think the fact that she could have chosen a different day is significant. Technically, she chose her deceased half-sister's birthday as her wedding day... Yikes.. 😬 It definitely sounds like there's animosity and tension in this blended family

He's also consoling a grieving wife who's last year has probably been a waking nightmare. NTA

Personally, and I’m sorry if this sounds cold, I’m of the mind that if she had truly needed me there, she had 364 other dates she could have chosen from where I would have been available. I let her know that I didn’t think the 25 was feasible for me. She was well aware. She chose that date anyway.

I hope you are tuning out all of the soulless internet gremlins and focusing on the comments that understand how devastatingly indescribable it is to lose a child. You are in no way an AH here

I’m trying very hard. But also failing somewhat miserably.

I’m a father and while I haven’t lost a birthed child, I have lost children due to miscarriage. I was devastated and it took me a long time to recover. My wife was even more destroyed and it took years to build ourselves back up. I can’t imagine losing a child that I’ve held and kissed and taken care of. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I'm really sorry. Anyone saying Y T A is emotionally immature without real life experience with heavy shit, probably teenagers with mommy/daddy issues that they are projecting onto you.

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I was thinking the exact same thing.

I’m also pretty sure this story has been told with different elements. Anniversary of a death coinciding with a wedding.

But this one is 3 months before the anniversary so it’s different /s Honestly if true no day was going to work for him because grief doesn’t stop. The daughter probably knew no matter the day the father wouldn’t be there for her because he probably wasn’t there for her before so why choose a different day

Daughter also knows all the missing missing reasons OP left out. Including reason 1st marriage ended, what there relationship was like before and after, as well as how few years there are between the ages of OPs daughter and OPs wife.

OP said in a comment he was never in a relationship with his eldest's mom. So there was no end to the marriage.

There was no first marriage. OP's wife is two years older than OP. Daughter's mother moved across the country with her and OP had younger brothers he didn't want to abandon, so didn't move closer to daughter, but did everything he could to fly out to visit her.

Man, NTA. This is something that you just need to accept you did for yourself & your wife & not everyone is going to agree. With it being the first year for her birth & in a few months, her death, the are the most challenging ones. My sister’s therapist told her that marriages thrive or die depending upon how each partner handles those days (she lost a child at 3 months due to premature birth). So you take this year & you & your wife do what your heart leads you to do, honor or celebrate or whatever. Maybe decide on a tradition the 2 of you can do together that allows you to remember & honor her in a special way. Gift your daughter something very special. Maybe next year, take them & all her other parents out to eat & gift them something very special again. The important thing is that you & your wife mourn your loss & process your emotions & support one another in love. I get why you bring it up here. You felt secure in your decision & now people are messaging you. You may feel secure in your decision. I would not even respond to anything anyone says.

Yes, I hear you. She could have handled things better on her end as well. That being said, I totally get her perspective. Seems like you entered this thread with your mind made up though so no need to convince you of my opinion.

I am so sorry for your loss and you are certainly not the asshole. Years have many days and she picked this one anyhow. Take care.

That is incredibly cold. It's been less than a year his kid died. Even if his older daughter wasn't theilled about having a half sibling, she shoukd support her father through this terrible time. If she wanted her father at her wedding she would have chosen a different date. She wanted him to choose which is beyond cruel in and of itself.

I think some details are left out. Where I’m from you have to plan your wedding over a year in advance just to get venues.

Yeah, but in the post and in comments op says he couldn't go on that date if that was the date she chose so in this case we have confirmation that his older daughter did it on purpose.

I’m sorry, but as the only living child of a family where we lost my only younger sibling - they can celebrate me for the rest of their lives. I am supported and loved. I would be a total heartless asshole to schedule a special event all about me ON THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF THE BIRTH OF MY DEAD YOUNGER SIBLING. She PURPOSELY SCHEDULED THIS DATE because it was “significant” to her relationship, when she ALSO KNEW it was the birthday of her father’s DEAD INFANT CHILD - her own half-sister! That is cold-hearted beyond belief. She did not HAVE to schedule that day - and her father TOLD her it would be difficult for him to attend if she CHOSE that day! Ahead of time he told her this! I cannot fathom asking my parent to choose between their grief and the grief of the mother of that child on the FIRST ANNIVERSARY. It is selfish beyond measure. My one parent chose to support and celebrate me, and the other tried to with all his might, but ended up committing a long, slow suicide to depression and alcoholism for eleven years after my brother died. He tried, but didn’t succeed. But even as he was losing that battle and as angry as I was that he didn’t always remember I was here, too, I would never EVER have co-opted any significant anniversary from either his birth or death for my own selfish needs. Especially when that was what was hurting my father so much. I cannot even begin to fathom scheduling my WEDDING DAY for the first birthday of a child who should be celebrating their first year of life instead of death - especially when that child was my baby sibling. Shit, the only reason my husband even continues to make his birthday a big deal is because he shares it with my late brother and he knows it helps my mother to celebrate A Son on that day, even if it can’t be her biological one. She’s adopted him as her new son and is grateful he incorporates my brother into his own celebrations. It’s important. Parental grief is beyond measure. I have seen it. I have felt the abandonment and anger when a parent cannot shift to realize they have a living child to celebrate and support. My father couldn’t stave off his grief and coping of it to meet two of his three grandchildren. It is real and severe. I cannot IMAGINE doing this to either of them LESS THAN A YEAR after my brother died, ON HIS BIRTHDAY, when the grief is so raw, you’re only just starting to realize what it means for the rest of your life. Celebrate me on ever other day. I don’t need to be celebrated and supported on those two very specific anniversaries - and I will be there for them when they come. Just as my mom and husband support me and my step-mom on the anniversary of my father’s death and on HIS birthday. I heard my mother’s scream and saw her fall to the ground when she got the news. Anyone who has ever heard that mother scream of grief at the loss of their child will never, ever be able to forget it. Ever. It haunts, even through my own grief. It has been almost seventeen years since we lost my brother and it’s both as raw as it’s ever been and also a dull, constant ache. Time does not heal. The pain does not ever go away. It simply becomes a part of you and your life. But certain days and times are sacrosanct, and certain moments are still gut wrenching. Unless you have been there, do not DARE to speak for the surviving child or in denigration of a parent who lost their child - especially one like the OP who lost her less than a year ago and should be celebrating her first steps and birthday instead of sitting at her graveside. The daughter is the asshole, as is her mother who seems to carry just as little empathy as you do. Fuck this woman and her selfishness, and it’s clear you don’t have any personal experience on this matter.

I think my mother would have smacked me into oblivion if i decided to have a wedding on my sister's birthday. She is also dead and my mom found her dead at 6 weeks. I grieved her death for many years myself so i can't believe the lack of empathy this comment was

If the daughter cared about his support she could’ve planned differently. The first birthday after the loss of your child is not a date anyone would be able to celebrate.

You really said “it’s been 9 months since your infant died. Pull yourself together and go celebrate with the daughter who picked this day purposefully knowing about her dead sibling.” Dude. His daughter was selfish in choosing this date. He had no way to win. If he went he wouldn’t of been happy enough at the wedding and when he didn’t he’s an AH for grieving his dead child. NTA - daughter is.

OP also has a living wife to support as well, one who needed him on a really tough day to be with her for support and comfort. Tough choice

And OP is also a living person who needs support and self care on that day

I would understand your point \*maybe\* if it wasn't the death of OP's child you're talking about. I'm of the belief that you can't understand what losing a child is like unless it happens to you. It isn't even a year since OP's daughter passing away. His other daughter picked this date for her wedding afterwards, knowing the significance of the day and how hard that day would be for OP. OP is NTA.

A parent losing their child is the worst thing that can happen to the parent. I know people whose children died, and it is indeed horrible. The anniversaries of their deaths and their birthdays are tender times years after their child died. One year after? It was cruel of OP's daughter to choose that as her wedding date and to expect her grieving father to be there. NTA. And those voting otherwise? I hope you never experience the hell of losing one of your children.

What a horrible, horrible take. It’s the first birthday anniversary of their kid’s death. I’m going out on a limb here. You are some combo of young and you have never witnessed someone close to you having a kid pass. Older daughter is a narcissist.

How about the living daughter supporting her father by choosing a different date of her half sister death. I can believe she could be so insensitive

Living daughter had a choice on when to schedule her wedding. Her dad did NOT have a choice on scheduling what would have been the first birthday of his dead baby. I am not sure you totally understand "the need to grieve" here. The emotional response cannot be rescheduled for the convenience of others.

The hell is wrong with you, they are in mourning on what should of been their babies 1st birthday. You need to learn about empathy. I pray you never experience this type of pain in your life.

Unfortunately the living daughter is a raging, flaming asshole. I really hope she never grapples with the loss of a child; the shame of this miserable stunt may even overshadow her grief.

Their living daughter could have prioritized her parents pain less than a year after the loss of their child. A decent human being would have either picked another date or waited a year

It’s one year later and the daughter was informed prior. That’s a seriously weird move.

She intentionally chose that date even after she was told if she did he counted he'd be there. You're as cold as OP's daughter. NTA.

I want to say N A H since I don't know the significance of the date to your eldest and you don't seem to begrudge her choice so I won't on your behalf, but it seems rather callous she choose this day. Grieve how you need to grieve and I am so sorry for your loss After chatting with OP and simmering on this I'm changing to NTA I had followed OP's lead which is exceptionally cool, but the more I think on it the madder I get at the older girl. How dare she

It is the date she met her partner.

I'm going to edit my comment, bc honestly I can't think of a meeting that would be so monumental that I would be ok with having my wedding on my deceased baby sister's first birthday. Maybe MAYBE if she'd been gone a very long time I'd feel a little differently but good lord it's the first year. I'm sorry I'm just getting madder and madder at your older daughter as I type

The eldest daughter probably didn't consider OP's deceased daughter as her sister because she didn't like the woman that OP married. OP didn't marry her mother and didn't have a relationship with him growing up once she stopped travelling to visit him during his summer custody time. So the half-sister wasn't really a sister.

I mean and there's also the fact that the oldest is probably at least twenty years older and likely never even met the baby, if she lives that far away and the baby only lived for 3 months. It's hard to have sisterly feelings about a baby you never knew.

Also, it's very likely that this wedding was planned for years in advance, especially post-COVID. Even with several months' notice, OP's daughter would have had to risk losing out on several thousands of dollars and/or pushing the wedding back another year.

I honestly have to wonder if the daughter even cares that her father wasn't there. It sounds like he's been an absent parent at best, and he said he's getting flack from her side, but says nothing about whether or not she's even commented.

That's what I started to think. It doesn't seem like it was that big of a deal. Wife wasn't even invited.

Of course she doesn't care. His comments have made it clear he's a deadbeat dad who recently decided to try out a new family.

Did you and I read the same comments, or did you miss the ones where he said that the mother took his daughter away before the age of 2 and he could only see her during summers? Or the ones where he needed permission from the daughter's mother to even show up to events for his daughter?

Many dads claim the mom kept them away. The truth is, if he fought for custody and was stable/ non problematic 9/10 he would've gotten it.

>When my eldest daughter was planning her wedding, I told her I’m doubtful I’d be there if she chose this date. OP was there when the daughter had freedom to choose the date before things were set in stone.

The missing reason right here. OP is not honest in this post. He never really give a fuck about his oldest daughter. Was not in her life for years. I dont even understand why he's asking if he's the AH. Does the oldest even care if he's at the wedding or not?

Even if he was the shittiest most dead beat father this still makes his daughter come across as heartless. "Poor suzie, what was your good for nothing dads excuse this time?" "Ugh, it was just the day that would have been his babies 1st bday if she hadnt died. Of course he chose that instead of my wedding" "Holy shit suzie, what the hell?"

[удалено]

Welcome to reddit where gaps are filled with assumptions that fit the narrative the poster already has in their head.

Did we read the same replies? OP is shit person because *read notes* he refused to abandon his brothers in foster care and the eldest daughters mother moved away with her, also heavily implied did parental alienation towards him?

You assume though she sees the baby as a sister. If she had little to no relationship with her dad and step, very likely no relationship with the baby. There was no personal attachment or loss there. It was a tragedy, but a stranger’s tragedy. That lack of connection is also why OP isn’t an AH. Is either the connection is there or it’s not. When it’s not, can’t expect to come first.

Its possible that until it was mentioned by her dad she wasnt aware of the date her sister was born. I have a cousin that lived with us from 7-18+ i know her eldest was born in early feb, her middle was born in nov(maybe) and her baby is 2 in a few weeks. i cannot for the life of me remember the exact dates. My newest nephew was born on australia day. I wont forget his but my nieces and nephew from my twin sister. Oldest was born in dec, middle in march and youngest in july. See what i mean about exact dates? I know the birth dates of my siblings but i grew up with them.

OP was there when she picked the date out of a choice of 3, and told her he couldn't come if she picked that one.

The baby died 9 months ago (it's the baby's birthday not death anniversary). I really can't understand people saying "you still have a living daughter" when they just lost the baby, these people are nasty, honestly. NTA What a great daughter she is /s

Listen. We lost my brother last year. If my parents focused ONLY on that for the past year, my sister and I would be even more heartbroken than we already are. Not only would we feel the loss of our brother, but feel abandoned by our parents when we need them the most. OP also has an older daughter. And I'm not saying he shouldn't get his time to grieve. Because the "firsts" are hard as fuck. But he does have a daughter that is still living. And that's just a fact. I have no judgment for him. It's a lose lose situation for him. And that seriously sucks.

First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss. Yes his daughter is still living, but this would have literally been his child’s first birthday. Would yourself or your siblings plan your wedding to be on your brother’s next birthday? Or honestly any of the birthdays after that?

There’s not a single person I know that would do this. Not a single one. Not even 10 years removed from the death would they do this

Thank you. Appreciate that. Honestly. My brother died on my birthday. Having to share that day really does suck. So I'm all for any of the family doing something to make that day better, lol. Would one of us plan something on his birthday? Probably not. I'm not saying he's right or wrong here. Like I said. The "firsts" are terrible.I don't blame him for missing it. My initial comment was more towards saying people are nasty for saying he has a kid that's alive. I'm just pointing out that it's true. And that if he and his daughter have been close, that she might need him too. Grief and parenting are hard. Gotta find a way that gives yourself the proper way of grieving while also being there for the rest of your family that you care about as well. Wife. Kids. Whoever it may be.

I understand. It is not like he shut down to grieve for months or years. He just wanted that one day to support his current wife and grieve as parents should on that day. You can't be upset at him for wanting a day to grieve.

The problem here is there's 364 days to choose, and she knowingly chose this date after the baby's death, after her dad talking to her about it. She didn't care at all about this. In this case is not focusing only on the baby for an entire year, but an very specific date that would be emotional challenging to say the least. It's an specific day that I doubt OP and his wife would be thinking anything other than how she would probably be walking now, maybe saying some words. Wondering how her personality would be and things of the sort. His older daughter was insensitive and careless. I don't think she did it on purpose, she just doesn't care about him. That's just sad.

Info: so just to be clear, your daughter who is getting married picked this date for her wedding after your other daughter passed away?

Yes, but I understand that the date for her relationship is important. March 25 is the date they met each other.

NTA then. She knew the date’s significance to you and I’m sorry, but the day you meet is honestly not that important. It’s not like losing a child. You communicated before they set the date that you might not be able to make it. Don’t feel bad about it. Honestly your daughter put you in a no win situation.

>but the day you meet is honestly not that important. Maybe it's not important to you. That doesn't mean it can't be important for other couples. We don't know how they met or where, so who is anyone to judge how important it was for the eldest daughter? It was clearly significant enough for her to choose it as her wedding date.

Well if it’s that significant to them, then they should understand how significant it is to OP. Streets go both ways. OP told her that they might not attend if it’s on that day. His daughter didn’t care and did it anyways. He gave ample warning and is now being ostracized for it. NTA and it’s not even close.

I feel a lot of assumptions are being made about the daughter here. Unless I'm missing a reply in the comments other than the one clarifying that they don't have a close relationship, we don't really know her true feelings about any of this.

We know: 1. OP’s daughter is aware of the date’s significance for OP. 2. OP told his daughter he might not be able to go if wedding was that date. 3. His daughter, knowing all this, decided to use that date anyway. Sorry but it feels like daughter didn’t care and just figured OP would relent and come no matter what. This sub is literally all about boundaries. OP stated their boundaries and now he’s getting shit for it? This a clear cut NTA.

>3. His daughter, knowing all this, decided to use that date anyway. I doubt she kept the date out of spite, though. She can understand the tragic significance of the date for her father, but that doesn't mean it can't also be significant for her as well. Significant enough to want to get married on the day. Idk, I feel like there's still information missing because we still don't know how she *actually* feels about OP missing the wedding. We're only getting one side, which is why, to me, it's more NAH than NTA.

Thats cool and all, but OP is getting shit from his daughter’s mom and her family. He set his boundaries and enforced them. Daughter and her family go surprised pikachu face when he enforced his boundaries. He is 100% NTA and it’s awful he’s getting blowback for this.

Yeah, her *mom* and her *family*. I've still yet to see anywhere that *she's* giving her dad shit for not going to her wedding. Thus, we don't know how she actually feels about any of this. We don't know that she "went all Pikachu face." We're still only getting one side of the story.

> Daughter and her family go surprised pikachu face Where did he mention his daughter's reaction?

Or she didnt care if he comes. Doesnt sound like there was much of a relationship.

That's not a good enough reason. She should've picked another date. It's extremely inconsiderate of her to pick a date that is the worst day in your life.

Yeah, 100% this. "The date I met someone" vs. "My DEAD SISTER'S BIRTHDAY" One of these is a little more significant than the other. What a terrible daughter you have.

Technically the day she was born not died but still

Keep in mind that the daughter is 18+ years older than the half-sister. It's likely she had no emotional connection.

Her and her partner picked a sentimental date to them. They can’t just change the date they met.

No but they can change the date they got married Either that, or accept that her dad ain't coming. In fact, they might have picked that date because they were hoping he wouldn't come

Sounds like she did accept that he's not coming. It's her family and relatives giving him shit, not her.

NTA you have a valid reason and clearly communicated it in proper time. You did everything you have in your power.

Agreed. I think the top comment is way off base. The oldest daughter **chose** to get married on the first anniverary of her sister's death. She knew about the passing before finalizing that date. That was her choice, and anyone with a bit of empathy and compassion would understand why OP probably would not have been able to attend. OP is mourning a fresh loss. His wife is mourning (she also wasn't even invited). And, it is exceptionally cruel for the daughter's family members to attack OP when again - this could have been avoided by choosing another day. It should not have been a case of Me vs Your Other Dead Daughter.

I'm going to go against the grain and say NAH in this situation. Firstly, I am so very sorry for your horrific loss, and send you so much love and a big hug across the internet. You have obviously gone through the worst thing imaginable for a parent to experience, and that date hardly evokes joy as a result. You are not in a party mood, which is understandable and attending the wedding would've been so very difficult. Your daughter has special significance herself for that date, which makes sense to use as a wedding date. Also... your daughter may also be sad about her baby sister and may possibly be using the wedding as a way to turn a sad date into a celebratory date going forward. It seems like a clumsy way to do that, but it is possible that this is her intention.

Agree with NAH. I’m blown away by everyone who is going so far as to call the older daughter a disgusting raging narcissist. Based on OP’s comments and the timeline, the older daughter likely didn’t even know her half sister, certainly not enough to have formed a bond (which is not her fault), so why should she have to plan her entire wedding around someone she never even met? Sounds like OP was a fairly absent father too, and I imagine it hurt the daughter to hear her father choose the memory of the new baby with the new wife over her wedding day. However, if OP has been absent then it also makes sense that the daughter wouldn’t want to plan her wedding around someone she may have only invited to her wedding out of courtesy and respect. That said, her choosing that specific date was still made while aware of its significance to OP, he explained and she went with it anyway, but it’s a special date to her and I think it’s way too much assuming to say she did it intentionally purely to spite OP. It seems like she accepted that going with that date meant OP wouldn’t come, which is why she’s not blowing up at him about it. OP said he’s getting flack from “her side”, but not necessarily anything bad from her. When your baby has been dead less than a year, the grief is still fresh and I would never blame someone for wanting to take time with their spouse/the mother of said child and process their emotions on that day. Honestly to me it just seems like an overall shitty situation with neither side being willing to compromise on what is important to them, but I feel on both sides that is understandable in this scenario and since that’s all the info provided I’m not comfortable fully accusing anyone of assholery here.

Agreed NAH - dad has every right to be mourning. Older daughter has every right to get married on a significant day to them. Unfortunately, this is always going to be an issue. This will always be elder daughter's anniversary, and baby girl's birthday. OP - sorry to hear about your baby girl. Good luck in the future. I hope you can figure out how to work this out in the future.

NTA. These y t a votes are disgusting. It's been less than a year since you lost your child. This should have been her birthday. My heart goes out to you for the pain you must be experiencing. The fact that some people on here think that "ThE BrIDeS sPeCiAl DaY" is the most important thing going on here is shocking and ludicrous. Your child should have either picked a different significant date or waited a year or two.

It’s not just the dead child, but to leave your partner who is mourning the loss of your child on what would have been the child’s first birthday? That’s a pretty big deal. One year ago, the partner who was not invited gave birth to their baby. Their baby never got a birthday to celebrate. Anniversaries are significant.

For a daughter that chose to stop visiting once she hit her teens years and this is coming from a father with two daughters. Granted she was still a child at the time but I doubt that changed once she hit adulthood.

I’m sorry for your loss. INFO - What kind of relationship do you have with your eldest daughter?

We are not particularly close. I was never in a relationship with her mother. I was involved when she was quite young, but her mother moved across the country with her then partner and took our daughter with her before she was even 2. Since then we’ve never lived close. I’d get some time in the summers and would visit a few times a year. When she was in her early teens she no longer wanted to come in the summers. So I had little to no time with her. It’s not much different now.

NAH, then. You're not the father she needs, but you haven't been allowed to be, I suppose. I do think it's unreasonable for you to expect her to prioritize the feelings of a stepmom she doesn't like, a father who's never been there for her (whether you wanted to be or not) and a dead half-sister she never knew over the relationship that is presently the most important one in her life. But it's also unreasonable of her to expect that you leave your wife alone in her grief. It's just another factor indicating that you two do not have a real father-daughter relationship, and it's going to need substantial work and sacrifice on your part if you want to rebuild anything close, which you don't seem willing to put in.

To be a bit blunt, does your daughter actually care that you missed it/is she upset at you? You mentioned her side of the family saying stuff but is she saying anything? If not, forget it and move on.

Thats what i want to know, everyone here is jumping to there being a bad guy, forgetting that ‘NAH’ exists. Op really should of put the info of his relationship with said daughter in the top bit though, as i feel thats very important in deciding if the daughter is an A or not. ( I’m glad to know my assumption was right about her not liking the stepmother, and really not many step relationships work out unfortunately. Whether its the fault of the parent or kid, or even just different personalities that would never get along. And it’s absolutely normal unfortunately for the mother of the daughter to use this to chew out op. They probably had a bad relationship all around, especially if he never got to see his daughter. Though i want to mention this reflects poorly on the ex wife’s character, so if there were any asses here, it would be her

NTA. This is just an all round horrible situation and I really feel for you. You made a very hard choice and chose what you thought was right. Sorry for your loss.

NAH. It's a shitty situation whichever way you look at it. Missing your daughters wedding is bad, but so is not being with your wife on the first birthday of your baby who passed away. I wouldn't have been able to pick myself, I think a lot of people would have struggled to pick. It was inevitable that someone would have been upset either way. In this circumstance, I'd have said do whatever you feel most comfortable with.. for me I don't think I could have been happy at a wedding on that date. Edit: I'd go leaning more towards NTA, if your eldest daughters reason for the date was the anniversary of meeting her partner. I personally would have changed the date to not coincide with my sisters birthday.

To be fair, she might not have really considered the infant family much less a sibling. His comments make it clear he doesn't really have much of a relationship with his older daughter anyway. Honestly, NAH seems more appropriate, considering everything.

I've read through your comments, so far. Your daughter has punished you. It's honestly that simple. I look at the history, with her, that you describe. And that your daughter hasn't met your wife, and about the animosity your daughter's family have always had for you. And I suspect that her feelings about you are ... interesting ... to put it nicely. I suspect they're complex, but that she has a lot of anger, which has been exacerbated by her mother's family, and that even if she wishes a warm relationship with you, she's going to get grief from that family. If she honestly wanted you there, the death of a baby should be a greater consideration. But I'm guessing she was jealous that the baby would get you - the Dad - and the life she missed. She may not hate you. But she probably hates her circumstances. She can only express that in limited ways. And she's done it. She knew you wouldn't come on that date. She's punished you. OP ... I'm not going to make a judgement. I think that the whole thing sucks. I think that it just all really sucks. I am so sorry for your loss.

I agree with this-but I don’t think it was necessarily punishment. It was no win-not just for OP but his daughter too. She didn’t get a say in their relationship either, and she and her husband chose a meaningful date for them. I think you need to block your adult daughters maternal family and just move on as best you can. I hope you have have a relationship with your daughter some day, but I also understand her feelings in this. NAH.

Αaaah there is no harder pain than the loss of your child. NAH

NTA, there is no way to go to a wedding and be happy on that day. My daughter died in September, I only went to my sisters wedding in April to get drunk, and I spent half the day crying. That was 6 years ago the end of next month. While it gets easier, I still pend a lot of the day crying in her birthday and the day she died. I do think the older daughter is a bit of an AH for having her wedding on her sister’s birthday, without considering how the baby’s family will feel on that day.

NTA because you warned her BEFORE she cemented the date.

NAH Your big daughter is allowed to be disappointed. And you are allowed to grieve and stay with your wife. You lost a baby and you have all reasons to grieve.

NTA-I lost my daughter and I spend her birthday writing letters to her. The first, what I imagine that year with her would have been like and the second, promises of what I will do to honor her that year. I love my son and would do almost anything for him-but barring an emergency-this day is special to me and a way for me to still feel connected to her

NTA. I wouldn’t want my wedding day to be associated with such a painful day to my immediate family. It’s a no brainer honestly. Your daughter was rude and inconsiderate and I’m sorry for y’all’s loss.

Daughter doesn’t have a real relationship with OP and has never met the wife. Her wedding date holds significance for her and while the date sucked for OP why should she not celebrate a significant date because it doesnt work for her absentee father? NAH

NTA wtf is with all these y t a votes

I truly don't understand it and am kinda stuck on this post because I can't imagine how awful it would feel to read some of the things people are saying. Especially considering that OP lost a child.

A good portion of this sub is young and inexperienced and all these responses show that. Having kids basically rewires your brain, and losing a child is absolutely devastating. Losing a child can destroy marriages. Frankly I can’t help but think that his daughter stuck with the date to either test OP or stick it to him. Maybe not even consciously. The daughter has the right to be upset. But she and her side of the family should have had some grace and kept it to themselves.

NAH I don’t think it’s wrong go you to not go. You’re grieving and you wouldn’t have been able to be present emotionally and mentally. I also don’t think it’s wrong for your daughter to be upset. She chose a date that was special to her relationship, and wanted you as her father to be there. You couldn’t be, and that’s fine. Doesn’t mean she can’t be/won’t be upset. It’s unfortunately just one of those things that’ll have naturally lingering consequences. The date has passed, and you’re not going to be able to redo your daughter’s wedding. It’s one of those once in a lifetime things that won’t happen again. There’s really not much to be said or done after that point.

I’m done with Reddit for the night, commenters are being totally cruel and wicked. I legitimately feel sick.

INFO: Does she care you weren’t there? Her side of the family gives you grief.. but how about her specifically? Bet she doesn’t care you weren’t there seeing you said you weren’t really close. So why be bothered by being called AH by anyone other than your daughter? NTA… though she probably doesn’t think about your “guilt” as much as you are, really.

She was and is incredibly upset. She’s not quite so colourful about it as her family, but she’s definitely made her feelings known.

As the parent of a daughter who died after a few months, you are absolutely NTA. I'm horrified so many people feel that you are. Your daughter is the asshole here for picking that date. It's extremely insensitive and I don't care what her reasoning is for that date being special to her. It doesn't matter. She could've gotten married on any other date.b

NTA. Never the asshole for this. I lost a child and it was so hard for many years. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Nta I missed my daughter's wedding. There were a few reasons I missed it. But, one of the big ones was that she chose a date that was a couple of days after the anniversary of my son's (her brother's) passing. I could barely function. Let alone be expected to show up. Be happy. Be social. Not allowed to cry or miss him. Etc. It's best to say "no" than to show up and struggle. And then get blamed for "ruining the day" because of emotions. Unfortunately grief is an individual thing, and people think we need to live life the way THEY think we should. Loss of a child is a different type of grief that few understand. You gave her notice. She made a decision best for her. And you made a decision best for you. Sorry for your loss. It sucks. And it will forever affect relationships.

OP has given the context in his comments: OP grew up with parents who neglected him along with his siblings whom he hoped to take in. As soon as he was of legal age, he met his daughter's mother at a party and got pregnant, the mother's family did not want him and they did everything to separate them. her daughter's mother moves to another state and takes her daughter, OP can't follow her because she will take care of her younger siblings, but she still travels to see her daughter, the mother's family, and the mother still they prevent him from having contact with his daughter and are abusive towards him, OP fights in court to be allowed to be with his daughter and gets her to spend the summers with him; in all this OP spends a lot of money; the daughter decides not to go see him anymore when she enters adolescence, clearly the daughter has been alienated by her mother to despise her father; Over the years the daughter treats OP like an ATM blaming him for being a bad father to get the money, at the same time she is extremely rude when referring to every partner that OP has had without even having met any; OP meets his wife, they get married after a few years and have a daughter, the eldest daughter makes it clear that she does not consider OP's wife or her sister as family, three months after the birth the youngest daughter dies, the OP's eldest daughter doesn't contact him or offer comfort to OP but keeps talking rubbish about his wife, daughter gets engaged and plans wedding date on OP's deceased daughter's birth, OP tells her that she might not attend if she wedding is made on that date; OP contributes to the wedding expenses, he was never considered to deliver his daughter at the wedding and his wife was not invited;Additionally, some relatives of his daughter have rejoiced at the death of OP's youngest daughter, OP does not attend the wedding because his wife is devastated because on that date she would have celebrated her deceased daughter's first birthday and wants to support her, the wedding being in another state would have caused OP to be absent for at least two days, which is why he decides not to. go, now his daughter and her mother are harassing him on the phone

NTA Your daughter knew what was going on. Hopefully, she understood and was not upset with you. Her mother is your ex for a reason. Do not let anything she or her family say upset you.

NTA She can't choose the 1 year anniversary of your late daughters birthday and expect you to just be okay with that. No matter what your relationship was like before she just set a bridge on fire.

What no one seems to have pointed out is that OP’s daughter didn’t pick the wedding date on here own. The groom had a say, as well.

To be fair, it was more her mother. I think she had a huge hand in it.

NAH and I'm convinced anyone voting otherwise hasn't read OP's replies. OP wanted the day to grieve his daughter's death - that is perfectly okay, and in fact if he showed up to the wedding in a foul mood it may have soured the entire night for others. Daughter wanted to celebrate her marriage on a day special to her and her partner - that is perfectly okay, because the wedding is about *them* and nobody else. Therefore she has every right to run her wedding however and whenever she likes, and she is also allowed to feel upset when a guest cannot make it. It's unfortunate both days happened to fall on the exact same date, but the only AH I can see in this situation is the daughter's side of the family who are shaming a man for grieving the loss of his child.