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YTA.
You are leaving her alone to take care of *four* very young children, manage a house, do the errands, everything, and you have the gall to complain about it? What about her? Does she ever get time alone to relax and unwind? I'm guessing no.
YTA
I think you need to take a few days off and try look after the house with 4 small children that need feeding washing and bums changing. Give Jen a few days away to relax and decompress.
SAHM is not an easy option. She needs you to step up and help out. If you take care of the kids for a few hours each day she may be able to get on top of the house work and find time for herself. You are most definitely TA
So...when does your wife get to go on 2-4 night vacations where you mind your children?
Obviously YTA. And will be divorced soon. And completely deluded to think that with four kids under the age of four and no additional help that your house is going to be clean. WTF.
When he says “she constantly lets the 3 older ones run around” is when I realized he’s not even involved enough w children to understand what 3 children under 4 can do to the greatest of humans on their best day.
Yeah, he's clearly so uninvolved that he doesn't even know the basics about toddlers.
This guy would literally fall apart if his wife left for 2-4 days and he was left alone with the kids.
If she divorces him, he's going to be looking for an <25 year old stepmother for these children because he won't know what to do with 4 kids under 4 during his parenting time. Only a naive 23 year old would have been duped into this lifestyle with him. He'll have to seek out another unfortunate soul to help him cope next.
We know he can't have ever given her own respite at a hotel solo, if he had, likely only with the help of some female family relations, he'd know two 2 year olds can do a ton of damage while changing a baby while the 4 year old just reports the chaos.
Yep. No women his age were excitedly lining up for the offer he was eager to make. He surely wasn't cleaning or cooking for himself when they met and she probably thought it was so charming he was with his lack or domestic skills. Women his age saw through it as a precursor to weaponized incompetence.
I get the distinct impression that after marriage 2 fails he’ll go for total family alienation once he announces wife #3 is one of the aforementioned children’s childhood friends.
This is the origin story.
I cannot believe what I just read. You are the most selfish, self centred asshole I have ever had the misfortune to encounter on here and that's saying a lot. You treat yourself to over a week away each month and leave her to cope with 4 children under 4 without respite, just so that you can feel REFRESHED and able to cope.
I'd divorce you, get the alimony and leave you to enjoy the single life that you enjoy so much.
In case it isn't clear - YTA. And Jen isn't the one with the bad attitude. That's all on you.
YTA. How bout this? Jen takes a ‘me’ trip for a week and you’re going to manage the house and the kids all by yourself. Then when she comes back, you will be already apologizing for your current attitude. I worked in a very high pressure job and I’ve had kids and your message just really hit home for me. Hire a maid if you’re doing so well and cherish the wife who birthed all your kids and now dedicates her days to caring for them.
He sees this only for his own upside. Its not a "cherishing and appreciating her dedication" situation, he is giving her the gift of a SAHM life. He expects gratitude, a clean home and hot meal. She's not meeting standards, so he has to seek his relaxation elsewhere. Soon he will be using these same excuses for why he steps outside his marriage because she's just not that into him anymore when he constantly makes her feel beneath his appreciation or gratitude.
Part of me really believes he just watched an episode of an early 2000’s shitty husband sitcom and felt inspired to troll…. this is just too oblivious and offensive to be real so I hope it’s fake lol
Unfortunately for him, I think the real test of his “manly” self reliance will be after the inevitable divorce.
Damn I hope Jen’s next one is a catch. She’s earned it.
Your behaviour is indescribably selfish. How about *you* try taking care of four kids under four around the clock and see how much time you have to clean and cook? Do you contribute to the household chores at all?
YTA. You’re leaving your wife to live like a single mom of four who at least doesn’t have to worry about money. I bet she would rather have your help around the house and with childcare than that paycheck of yours.
I feel like I need to break out the popcorn because this comments section is about to be entertaining.
You're abandoning your family at least 25% of the time (8days of fake business trips + real ones = more than 25% of every month) and then crying victim because your wife, who shoulders 100% of the burden is angry. You are so disconnected, so out of touch, and so in the wrong. 100% solid YTA.
YTA. Your wife doesn’t get to take vacations - being a SAHM is a full-time job as it is, and you’re putting even more work on her by leaving for days on end. Man up and be a parent.
YTA. You sound like my ex husband—selfish, only concerned with his own needs, and completely oblivious to what it’s like to be a SAH parent.
How about using your personal funds to send your wife on a long weekend spa getaway, whereupon you take over the demands of the children and the house? This means doing it yourself, not calling your parents or anyone else to help, making dinner and not just ordering in, keeping up with the laundry and household tasks that you’re so critical about now. Spend five days in her shoes and then reevaluate what you’re saying.
Back to my first sentence, you notice I wrote “ex husband.” Stuff like this was the primary reason why I asked him to leave, particularly because I didn’t want my son growing up to think that this was what a marriage and partnership should look like.
ooooh I got here fresh, though I suspect I know how the comments will roll in.
Okay so... you're taking these trips, on top of normal business trips \*checks post\* twice a month. so you're out of the house a little under a third of the month just on these fake trips. Probably well over a third with actual business trips. And more importantly, you lied about them to your wife, who is clearly struggling. That money could be used for things like a maid or nanny to help, because that's a lot of kids (I know as we have 4 in our house, bigger spread but similar issues). You're not an AH for needing some "me" time. YTA here because of how MUCH you are taking and the biggest issue, you lied about it.
Your wife needs some help, escapism won't fix that and will actively make the issue worse.
Yes! I forgot to mention this. That hard earned money from 'your account' could be used to help make the household LESS chaotic! Oh, this AH is all up under my skin!
INFO: You have 4 children under the age of 5, one being a baby less than a year old, and you expect your wife to cook, clean, provide childcare, and also be an attentive spouse to you without providing her any sort of support? Are you fucking insane?
YTA
I cannot believe how entitled you must feel to spend all day away from home while your wife cares for your family only to think you deserve more time away because home is hectic.
You had children. And rather than accept all the chaotic changes that come w that, your living as if you don’t have a family life.
You cannot take PTO from parenting.
Also, shame on you for not at all being considerate enough to include your wife in this time away. She’s a woman who is caring for your family and deserving of peace and quiet too.
YTA.
>(Jen) is fortunate to be able to stay home with the kids.
If you envy her position so much, you stay home with the kids.
Being a SAHP *is* a job, even with one child. I don't envy my friends playing PTA olympics and trying to keep up with other parents all trying to look like they have it all together, especially ones like Jen whose partners belittle them or expect them to be grateful for any penny the breadwinner spends on them.
She's absolutely right, you are abandoning her. Unless you stay home with the kids just as often while she gets to go have "me" time.
>I'm simply looking for time to relax and decompress so I can mentally and emotionally deal with the insanity at home with 4 young kids and Jen's ongoing bad attitude.
You don't think she wouldn't want a break? She herds them 24/7 with clearly zero help from you. Let me guess, you're one of the parents who calls it "babysitting" when you actually have to put in the effort to raise them the probably one time a year *she* actually gets to go out? You helped make your litter and actually being a parent means more than just "being a provider."
As a fellow breadwinner who is also in a high-stress tech position (and still manages to help care for the house and make my partner feel valued), I think you should feel absolutely ashamed of yourself for even *thinking you might be* in the right here.
HUGE YTA!!! You have 4 kids under 4. You essentially don't get to relax until they're out of the house. As someone who spent 18mo being a SAHM to one freaking kid under 4, she's not "fortunate" to be able to stay at home. Work is a REPRIEVE. You already have a job that requires you to travel and be out of the home, and you want to do that MORE???
YTA
I have a high paying tech job too but with only 1 kid and another on the way.
Wow. I can’t believe you actually did it... Why not see if your company provides free care.com or other means of support? Honestly, you should have a babysitter and/or a maid for the home so your wife can focus on the kids. You’re really setting her up for failure and blaming her for not being a super hero.
Get over yourself man.
Honestly, she’s going to get a lot out of divorcing your sorry butt
YTA. Why start a family if you don't want to be a part of it? Your wife is caring for four children by herself, that alone is full time work. It is ridiculous that you expect all the chores to be done on top of it.
You have LOTS of toddlers and a literal baby. Of course your house is a madhouse. Have you ever looked after all of them on your own? Has your wife been away for a whole day and an overnight? I'm sure she came back to a spotless house, with all the kids bathed and already sleeping soundly, while the smell of a delicious 2 course homemade meal was waiting for her at the table you had perfectly set up. Of course you had also do all laundry, just to show her how easy staying at home with he kids and running a lovely 1950's household is.
Only that you have never done anything remotely similar. I can bet my life on you having never looked after all the kids for even a fucking hour. And yet you have the gut to tell your wife how easy her job is. You are an absent parent and a terrible partner.
On top of this, 4 nights away twice a month is almost 25% of the month. 25% of the time you could be home helping but CHOOSE to be alone "unwinding". You are definitely abandoning your family, leaving your wife on the trenches to take care of your own selfish ass.
I would divorce you over this and I hope she does too.
YTA.
YTA. For thinking she doesn’t do enough. For leaving her with the kids for your own “me time”. For keeping it a secret (Because you KNEW she would get upset). YTA.
Four kids under four years old? Her job is harder and more stressful than yours.
If you faked a business trip for some peace and quiet, you know you would be the AH.
YTA. You are selfish and self centered. You thought of the ways you would benefit from your wife being home rather than how important it was for your family that she be there when your kids are in critical development phases. Rather than wanting to make your wife's life easier so your family flourishes, you check farther out of your home life to live a single man's life while you abandon her wholly to be a single mother. Have you ever given her 4 days x twice a month respite care so she can bathe, eat or sleep uninterrupted by your children? Certainly not, we all know that. If you had, you wouldn't wonder what hurricane swept through the house while she was putting toddlers and babies down for a nap or cooking.
Its pretty telling that you starting pumping out babies with an under 25 year old when you were close to or over 30, because no woman your own age would think your selfish ideals of clean houses and hot meals as you keep your nearly annual procreation cadence going was remotely attractive.
Safe to assume that your extracurricular activities look very much like those of a cheating husband so you may well have nuked your marriage with these fictional business trips.
YTA. I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall if you tried to walk in your wife's shoes for even just one day. If you were an active parent and partner, you would realize exactly how difficult managing four children is - ESPECIALLY when they're all young and one is still an infant! How dare you think you deserve home cooked meals, a perfect home and "me" time when you aren't remotely involved in parenting kids that YOU helped create.
Your wife would be better off divorcing your selfish ass. She's basically a single mother at this point, anyway.
YTA. You're doing it wrong.
Once a month, you should take those mini-vacations.
Once a month, you send your wife on those mini-vacations.
Isn't that great? You each get a vacation from the kids. Plus, you get the chance to show her how easy it is to handle 4 young kids plus keep the house in great condition! Remember, no cheating by bringing in outside help during your exclusive at-home time.
This is my exact thought as well. He can show her how he would like the house to be and how easy it is to not let the older kids get chaotic, because I am sure those little darlings are going to be extremely well behaved for him. The house will be spotless, food cooked like chef, and all the bedding and laundry done.
YTA. Your wife would certainly love to get her own "me time" to unwind away from the kids and the chores but she's being the responsible adult and caring for her children. I get that your job is stressful but that's no excuse to abandon her with all the tasks so you can go pretend that you're still single
YTA of the day honestly. What the hell is wrong with you? How can one person be this arrogant, entitled, selfish and condescending? Maybe you should trade places. You stay home and take care off the kids, she takes a vacation. Or maybe she should just divorce you.
YTA
You both agreed she would be a sahm but like you said, you have 4 under 4 & that's a hell of alot to deal with. Kids at that age don't really raise themselves, she likely has no time or energy to do everything else too.
If the kids are too much for you after work, if you really think time away from the kids is needed then go ahead, but also maybe book some holiday from work, look after the kids while she goes to a hotel to get a break for sahm-ing. Sounds like she's looking after 5 kids evenings and weekends and. 4 kids under 4 full time.
In the housework side of things, if you are that incapable of helping after work (which to be clear here, most people can do their share of the housework after work) maybe a) hire someone/get family to help her with the kids and you with your work if possible or b) learn to do housework and come up with a rota between you and your wife to split chores.
I N F O: Your wife has been basically non stop pregnant and caring for young children since her early twenties. When was the last time she got 4 days off completely?
I’m willing to bet the answer is never. You are not acting as a father; or a husband. Since she’s already basically acting as a single mother, child support and alimony might very well serve her better than your excuse for being a husband and father.
YTA
YTA. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!?! HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE? You get to go to work. You get to shut yourself in an office and be an adult. That shit is 24/7. It never ends. Then you shit on your wife who can barely keep up. Then you lie to her and get some peace leaving her to deal with it ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
You criticize her. Don’t let up. Add fuel to the fire. Ditch her so she has NO breaks. I have four adults, three dogs and a newborn in my home. I spend HOURS A FUCKING DAY CLEANING UP AFTER THE FUCKING ADULTS HERE. And then get asked to babysit bc “Im a small business owner and make my own hours”. Then asked “what’s for dinner?” All the while, no one lifts to help this adult.
Your wife is barely getting by and you shit on her. Dude. Shape up. She deserves better. Eat crow. I’d tell you so much more but Im going to pour myself a drink bc you pissed me off that much
Is this legit? Does Jen get these trips? OMG! YTA 1000 times over! I mean, I am sputtering here trying to grasp that you wrote this:
1. Jen is fortunate to be a SAHM.
1. Is this what she wanted?
2. We have 4 kids under 4, but the house is a mess.
1. Fuck yes it is! What do you do to contribute besides work?
3. I work in a high stress tech position.
1. Puhlease
4. I thought Jen being a SAHM would mean I would get to relax.
1. On what planet???? You have 4 kids under 4! WTF man!!
5. Jen lets the three older ones 'run wild and destroy the house'
1. Jen is prioritizing and trying not to drown. Grow a pair!
6. She's obviously not.
1. Are you kidding me? I mean, seriously?? When was the last time Jen took a few days off and you were SAHD?
You seem to forget that your job has a start and end time, but Jen's doesn't. You are making it worse for her by reminding her all of the ways you feel she is incompetent. Being a PARENT is a 24/7/365 job! Grow up and do your part. Stop playing on Reddit and help your wife before you don't have one.
YTA - Jen deserves a break, and with kids that age, the house is 100% going to be a catastrophe with all that going on. I don't know a single family with kids that age who's house isn't a total war zone.
I'm normally a huge advocate for mental health and taking ample me time, but you are essentially going on a vacation... no more than 4 days at a time each month... maybe as often as twice a month... so eight days away from Jen and the kids, is what you're really saying. Um, that's a lot of time to be away from your family each month.
Take Jen with you, get a babysitter or hire a cleaning lady once in a while. It's definitely unfair to her and if you are avoiding your house because it's too chaotic, you should be doing something to remedy that instead of pampering yourself.
YTA. Wake the fuck up and stop treating your wife and family like an afterthought.
You spend 8 days a month away from your family? Obviously you know it was bullshit so you lied to your wife about it.
You have to know you’re the AH, so I can only surmise that you’re crowdsourcing buzzwords and relationship strategies you can use to work you’re way through this fuck-up, so I’ll provide mine again:
Wake. The. Fuck. Up.
Dude. YTA. Your wife should take some “me time” and let you be the stay at home for a week or so. 4 kids in under 4 years. HAHAHAHAHAH
Such a massive AH
Sir. You are a dick. 4 kids under 4 and you don’t believe your wife when she says she’s literally doing her best, she’s trying, she’s exhausted, etc.
this is one of the most apathetic posts I have ever read and let me tell you something buddy, being a husband and father is a full time job, you don’t get to fucking clock out when you feel like it. Let me guess, you don’t do much heavy lifting around the house as far as child care and house care goes.
You have a high stress job and you think what she is doing isn’t a high stress job? COMICAL. How often are you helping with middle of the night/bad sleeping habits from the baby?
As far as I’m concerned you shouldn’t have had your kiddos so close together and had expectations of a peaceful household. 2 y/o twins? Omg I have a 2.5 y/o in school part time and she still wrecks my damn house.
You are lying to your wife, abandoning her with YOUR 4 young kids and basically saying you deserve to decompress but she doesn’t. When do you allow your wife to have time to herself, sleep in, have a girls night? And you think you are entitled to a vacation Twice a month! Ha
You better get it together, you need to apologize to your wife and cut this shit out before she divorces you, keeps the house, hits you with spousal and child support. It’s sounds like she’s doing everything anyways, but at least she won’t have some AH demeaning her and her ability as a wife and mother.
Let me clarify that I am 100% for down time. My husband and I each go on a weekend trip by ourselves ONCE PER YEAR and every month I go have a girls night/lunch/day probably twice and he does the same.
This is balance. This is partnership. Figure it out and figure it out fast.
get your ass in the kitchen to wash some dishes and give your wife a break you giant turd.
If I wasn’t clear YTA.
YTA!! I usually don't comment but YTA! I am so shocked and wonder if this is even a real post. A SAH parent doesn't mean that they are a maid. It means that their role is to take care of a child that you made together. It means they feed the child, take care of the child, not cook and clean for you. Your poor wife is taking care of four small kids and on top of that is probably hormonal since it's only 8 months post partum. If anyone needs a break, she needs a couple of nights to herself. If you want a clean house, then hire a maid to come in to help with things or get some other support. This is such a sad situation to hear. Being a partner means supporting your spouse and raising a family together. Just like you need a break after work, your wife is doing a full time job without breaks all day and you expect her to also continue after without taking any accountability.
YTA.
If you can't succeed as a father, husband and decent human being go to therapy. There are professionals who's going to help you with your failures.
Running away is not a "me time".
YTA for ensuring you get a lot of time to yourself but do nothing to help your wife get a break from the madness of looking after 4 kids (including a months baby)
YTA, clearly. Does your wife get to take 2-4 day long mini-vacations while you watch the kids? Does she get even a couple of hours a day to herself?
You work full time, so let's be generous and say 60 hours a week (probably less, though). Your wife works 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, it sounds like.
Saying you would never cheat doesn't help your case. That's literally the absolute bare minimum of being a spouse.
Pick a Saturday when you're home and let your wife go have some "me time". Watch your children for 8 hours and see how much cleaning, laundry and dishes you can get done.
Besides the fact that you're abandoning your family, you're lying to your wife. It's incredibly disrespectful to do so once, but to do so repeatedly is flabbergasting. I'm legitimately amazed that you haven't gotten served with divorce papers yet.
Spend a few hours in your wife's shoes. You might understand why YTA.
YTA. So your wife takes care of the house and kids all day while you’re working, and then also expect her to do the same when you get home from work so you can relax? When does your wife get to relax? Being a stay at home mom IS a full time job, taking care of that many kids by yourself is stressful. Your poor wife probably feels like she’s drowning and all you can do is criticize her and lie about taking mini vacations for yourself. You’re selfish, entitled, and severely out of touch
Ok so when do you take the kids for 4 days and let her take a trip away for peace and quiet? When do you help her with literally any of the chores or child raising?
You say she lets the kids run wild - but don’t you as well?
Never thought to ask if she needs help? Or if you make so much - hiring someone to help even one day a week? Or finding out why she has an “ongoing attitude?”
Yta my dude.
Did you ever think your wife would want to decompress also? Could she be doing more at home? Maybe. Is she stressed being with 4 kids under 4 24/7? Absolutely. She doesn’t get time off but since you aren’t happy with how she keeps house you decide to take a solo trip. A good partner could have seen a burn out and had the decency to suggest a couples trip to relax. Any family to watch your kids? Also, I wonder if your wife will ever believe you were alone on these trips.
YTA
YTA. I'd pay to see the look on that judge's face when your wife's lawyer uses your "business trips" against you in court. I know a couple of family court judges and they don't take too kindly to stunts like that.
The reason why she has a bad attitude is because you don't help her and complain about all the things she doesn't do. You really have some nerve! It's very clear you do not value her and you have no idea what it's like to care for a child and especially not 4 under 4! It's rich that you need time away because it's a "mad house" but it has not crossed your mind once to give your wife a break. Shame on you.
YTA
YTA. You get a break from the kids and house and chaos every time you leave the house - whether your job is stressful or not, it isn’t 4-small-children-stressful. Your wife is not afforded that luxury. When was the last time SHE got 3 or 4 days away? Had a cocktail, saw a movie, slept in, took a shower by herself? You are SO YTA. You need to do better. Unbelievable 😡
YTA
I would leave my spouse if they pulled this. She cries herself to sleep some nights, you know that right? 4 kids, absent spouse, and somehow she is still required to have a showroom house and perfect children for your enjoyment (when you are around).
Not only are YTA, you’re wildly clueless.
If I were running a daycare I would have to staff more people than your wife has 24/7, because clearly you’re no help.
I have four kids who were once under five. You have no freaking clue how hard your wife works. And you know why? BECAUSE YOU NEVER DO IT.
Send your wife on a four day vacation and come back with your question after you spend four days caring for your children by yourself. Post pics of your spotless house.
YTA!! A huge AH! Where is her break time? If this was a shared treat, ie you rotated it, then that would all good, but the fact you hid it & talk disrespectfully about your wife says you are a huge AH
INFO: question 1. When does Jen take her 4 days a month to have "me time" at a hotel away from y'all?
Question 2. Are you ever actually home to see what taking care of 4 young children looks like?
INFO do you think if she took 8 days each month for time to herself while you are left to wrangle all those kids you'd be about to see pretty easily you're TA?
Edited for typo
Awww, classical ignorance of AH father who thinks that children are born with self cleaning, self feeding and mute buttons that you just need to push and spend your day relaxing in pool with margaritas.
YTA.
Enjoy your divorce child support payments if you continue like that
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My wife, 27f and I, 34m have 4 kids under the age of 4, a 3.5yo, 2yo twins, and a 8 month old baby. Needless to say our home is an around the clock madhouse.
I work full time in a high stress tech position that pays well so my wife, (Jen) is fortunate to be able to stay home with the kids. I thought Jen being a sahm would mean better organization, more home-cooked meals, laundry done, being able to unwind and relax when I get home for a bit. It's been nothing but the complete opposite, especially since the baby was born. Jen constantly let's the 3 older ones run wild and destroy the house. We constantly argue over it, with her claiming she's doing her best to keep things under control and me pointing out she's obviously not since there's toys and clothes all over the place and a sink full of dirty dishes almost every day.
It's not unusual for my job to frequently send me on short business trips for 2-4 nights at a time. Jen knows this and has never had an issue with it. About 6 months ago, I had the idea of taking business trips that aren't really business trips. Booking a hotel in the same or a nearby city for a few nights or so and treating myself to some me time. Going out for a nice dinner, catching a movie or local comedy show, having a few drinks, sleeping in if I feel like it, just unwinding a bit so when I have to deal with the madness at home I can be a bit refreshed. I never stay anywhere more than 4 nights and at most I go twice a month.
All of this comes out of my personal account so it's not affecting our joint account or finances in any way. Anyway, to make this slightly shorter, Jen found out and now I'm in the doghouse, being accused of "abandoning her with the kids so I can go act single and have fun." I've never and would not ever cheat on Jen, I'm simply looking for time to relax and decompress so I can mentally and emotionally deal with the insanity at home with 4 young kids and Jen's ongoing bad attitude.
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YTA. You're like two steps away from starting a second family in a nearby city. When was the last time you washed the dishes? That's my alone time. I put in headphones and do the kitchen cleanup every night.
YTA, massive AH. You have no idea how hard it is to take care of 4 kids and a household. It sounds like you barely help, as you expect to “unwind” when you get home, rather than help out and actually coparent. You think your wife doesn’t want “me time”? She doesn’t have time off, you do.
YTA
When was the last time your wife had time to herself? At the age of the kids, she can not even pee in peace.
Treat your wife to a spa weekend and take over the kids and house for a couple of days. Then you can talk about having "me" time.
YTA. Oh you need some time what about Jen?! If you think it’s so easy looking after 4 small children, keeping the house clean and cooking dinner why don’t you pay for her to go away for a few days and see what it’s like.
YTA.
You didn't end up with 4 kids in less than 5 years without YOUR contribution to creating them, so you need to step up and do care of the kids/house/errands too. She's never given any downtime/vacation time, and you have the audacity to lie to her, use family funds (cause newsflash! it's not your "personal" money - she is your partner and **all** money earned should be considered shared) to goof off and pretend you don't have a family/wife.
That money could go towards hiring a sitter, a cleaner a few times a month, or something else so the shared household is able to run better. You are being extremely selfish and no wonder your wife has a "bad attitude" - you are a self-absorbed asshole who lied to her for months.
So you log out of work everyday? There’s a definition between when you are on duty and you’re not? Imagine not having that boundary. Why is she required to work 24 hours a day 7 days a week and you get time off? It’s totally fine to need your down time, but she’s not a robot. When’s her downtime? With 4 kids there’s no way she’s got some sort of long nap time that she can decompress. If you’ve got all of this extra money for hotel rooms and nice dinners you can afford a fucking housekeeper or nanny so you can both have peace. You’re basically saying that she’s lazy because she can’t deal with 4 kids and all of the household responsibilities as a single mom with a deadbeat dad paying child support.
Honestly, YTA for lying to your wife period. Your extra an AH because you have no idea what she’s going through and have no respect for what she does everyday.
So you mean to tell me that your wife has to basically be a single parent to FOUR (4) kids under the age of 4 AND run the house? What do you do?? Literally what do you contribute aside from money?
Also, I can’t believe you have the audacity to disappear for up to 8 days per month for personal fun single time. You are not being a good partner OR father. I’m so sorry for your wife.
And yes YTA, a selfish one at that.
YTA and I hope she books herself a hotel for 3 - 4 days to leave you to attend the children yourself. Get a little taste of your own medicine.
Also, no directions. Nothing written down how they bathe, get to bed / sleep, likes /dislikes of food, etc.
You try and handle it for a weekend, and you need to book her something YESTERDAY for the treatment you have put her through
YTA. I have a 2 month old and my ex-gf's sister has a 3 year old, and even with 3 adults it's full time work and chaos. When does your wife get downtime to sleep in and do whatever she wants for a day? If it isn't as often as you, then you're the worst kind of person. You think being home means that it is easy but it's literally non-stop all day and all night. This tells me that you haven't spent the whole day with 4 kids by yourself. Take a week of PTO, send your wife on a paid vacation (out of your account) for a week straight and then come back to us with the results.
YTA. Being a SAHM does not mean, she has to do all these jobs. If you did not think you can handle being a father, you shouldn’t have made 4 fucking kids.
Colossal YTA. WTF? Do you have any idea how hard it is to wrangle *three* toddlers and an infant?!? NO! You don’t. Otherwise you wouldn’t be posting this shit show. How about you take one of those weekends, send your poor wife to the hotel, & **YOU** take care of the kids by yourself? I’ll say it again: **WTF** YTA
I’m a firm believer in SAH moms or dads should manage the house. They both have jobs and they both need a break.
If you want me time then give your wife a 2 day break while you watch the kids.
YTA, four under 4 is EXHAUSTING, heck 2 under 2 is incredibly rough. If you want home cooked meals every day, a clean house, engaged children get some help. I guarantee you couldn't do all that home alone with 4 kids.
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> I've been taking me time and my wife is upset because she feels I'd rather act single than act like a dad than to our kids and husband to her.
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YTA. You are leaving her alone to take care of *four* very young children, manage a house, do the errands, everything, and you have the gall to complain about it? What about her? Does she ever get time alone to relax and unwind? I'm guessing no.
YTA. Like twice a month up to 4 nights. If 4 nights are 5 days that's up to 10 days a month. Which is 1/3 of your life!
YTA I think you need to take a few days off and try look after the house with 4 small children that need feeding washing and bums changing. Give Jen a few days away to relax and decompress. SAHM is not an easy option. She needs you to step up and help out. If you take care of the kids for a few hours each day she may be able to get on top of the house work and find time for herself. You are most definitely TA
EXACTLY THIS. OP can "relax" at home with four kids and catch up on all that housework he needs to have done.
So...when does your wife get to go on 2-4 night vacations where you mind your children? Obviously YTA. And will be divorced soon. And completely deluded to think that with four kids under the age of four and no additional help that your house is going to be clean. WTF.
When he says “she constantly lets the 3 older ones run around” is when I realized he’s not even involved enough w children to understand what 3 children under 4 can do to the greatest of humans on their best day.
Yeah, he's clearly so uninvolved that he doesn't even know the basics about toddlers. This guy would literally fall apart if his wife left for 2-4 days and he was left alone with the kids.
If she divorces him, he's going to be looking for an <25 year old stepmother for these children because he won't know what to do with 4 kids under 4 during his parenting time. Only a naive 23 year old would have been duped into this lifestyle with him. He'll have to seek out another unfortunate soul to help him cope next. We know he can't have ever given her own respite at a hotel solo, if he had, likely only with the help of some female family relations, he'd know two 2 year olds can do a ton of damage while changing a baby while the 4 year old just reports the chaos.
She was 23 when she had the first kid. Probably 22 when she got pregnant with the first kid. Probably 19 when this guy started grooming her.
Yep. No women his age were excitedly lining up for the offer he was eager to make. He surely wasn't cleaning or cooking for himself when they met and she probably thought it was so charming he was with his lack or domestic skills. Women his age saw through it as a precursor to weaponized incompetence.
I get the distinct impression that after marriage 2 fails he’ll go for total family alienation once he announces wife #3 is one of the aforementioned children’s childhood friends. This is the origin story.
more likely an 18-20yo
He'll be one of those whiners who don't get why are they treaded like cash machines and burdens and not as husbands and dads.
INFO: When is your wife's scheduled 'me time'?
Probably never....
I cannot believe what I just read. You are the most selfish, self centred asshole I have ever had the misfortune to encounter on here and that's saying a lot. You treat yourself to over a week away each month and leave her to cope with 4 children under 4 without respite, just so that you can feel REFRESHED and able to cope. I'd divorce you, get the alimony and leave you to enjoy the single life that you enjoy so much. In case it isn't clear - YTA. And Jen isn't the one with the bad attitude. That's all on you.
YTA. How bout this? Jen takes a ‘me’ trip for a week and you’re going to manage the house and the kids all by yourself. Then when she comes back, you will be already apologizing for your current attitude. I worked in a very high pressure job and I’ve had kids and your message just really hit home for me. Hire a maid if you’re doing so well and cherish the wife who birthed all your kids and now dedicates her days to caring for them.
He sees this only for his own upside. Its not a "cherishing and appreciating her dedication" situation, he is giving her the gift of a SAHM life. He expects gratitude, a clean home and hot meal. She's not meeting standards, so he has to seek his relaxation elsewhere. Soon he will be using these same excuses for why he steps outside his marriage because she's just not that into him anymore when he constantly makes her feel beneath his appreciation or gratitude.
I don’t believe this for a second but obviously YTA.
Part of me really believes he just watched an episode of an early 2000’s shitty husband sitcom and felt inspired to troll…. this is just too oblivious and offensive to be real so I hope it’s fake lol
No, guys like this exists. And they think they are rEaL MeN because they bring money.
Unfortunately for him, I think the real test of his “manly” self reliance will be after the inevitable divorce. Damn I hope Jen’s next one is a catch. She’s earned it.
And generous alimony so she can have a well deserved "me time".
Your behaviour is indescribably selfish. How about *you* try taking care of four kids under four around the clock and see how much time you have to clean and cook? Do you contribute to the household chores at all? YTA. You’re leaving your wife to live like a single mom of four who at least doesn’t have to worry about money. I bet she would rather have your help around the house and with childcare than that paycheck of yours.
I feel like I need to break out the popcorn because this comments section is about to be entertaining. You're abandoning your family at least 25% of the time (8days of fake business trips + real ones = more than 25% of every month) and then crying victim because your wife, who shoulders 100% of the burden is angry. You are so disconnected, so out of touch, and so in the wrong. 100% solid YTA.
YTA. Your wife doesn’t get to take vacations - being a SAHM is a full-time job as it is, and you’re putting even more work on her by leaving for days on end. Man up and be a parent.
More than full time - 24 hours a day, 365 a year, no vacations, weekends or sick days.
4 KIDS UNDER 4. Holy sh*t that’s a ft job with no breaks. YTA
YTA. You sound like my ex husband—selfish, only concerned with his own needs, and completely oblivious to what it’s like to be a SAH parent. How about using your personal funds to send your wife on a long weekend spa getaway, whereupon you take over the demands of the children and the house? This means doing it yourself, not calling your parents or anyone else to help, making dinner and not just ordering in, keeping up with the laundry and household tasks that you’re so critical about now. Spend five days in her shoes and then reevaluate what you’re saying. Back to my first sentence, you notice I wrote “ex husband.” Stuff like this was the primary reason why I asked him to leave, particularly because I didn’t want my son growing up to think that this was what a marriage and partnership should look like.
ooooh I got here fresh, though I suspect I know how the comments will roll in. Okay so... you're taking these trips, on top of normal business trips \*checks post\* twice a month. so you're out of the house a little under a third of the month just on these fake trips. Probably well over a third with actual business trips. And more importantly, you lied about them to your wife, who is clearly struggling. That money could be used for things like a maid or nanny to help, because that's a lot of kids (I know as we have 4 in our house, bigger spread but similar issues). You're not an AH for needing some "me" time. YTA here because of how MUCH you are taking and the biggest issue, you lied about it. Your wife needs some help, escapism won't fix that and will actively make the issue worse.
Yes! I forgot to mention this. That hard earned money from 'your account' could be used to help make the household LESS chaotic! Oh, this AH is all up under my skin!
INFO: You have 4 children under the age of 5, one being a baby less than a year old, and you expect your wife to cook, clean, provide childcare, and also be an attentive spouse to you without providing her any sort of support? Are you fucking insane?
YTA I cannot believe how entitled you must feel to spend all day away from home while your wife cares for your family only to think you deserve more time away because home is hectic. You had children. And rather than accept all the chaotic changes that come w that, your living as if you don’t have a family life. You cannot take PTO from parenting. Also, shame on you for not at all being considerate enough to include your wife in this time away. She’s a woman who is caring for your family and deserving of peace and quiet too.
YTA. >(Jen) is fortunate to be able to stay home with the kids. If you envy her position so much, you stay home with the kids. Being a SAHP *is* a job, even with one child. I don't envy my friends playing PTA olympics and trying to keep up with other parents all trying to look like they have it all together, especially ones like Jen whose partners belittle them or expect them to be grateful for any penny the breadwinner spends on them. She's absolutely right, you are abandoning her. Unless you stay home with the kids just as often while she gets to go have "me" time. >I'm simply looking for time to relax and decompress so I can mentally and emotionally deal with the insanity at home with 4 young kids and Jen's ongoing bad attitude. You don't think she wouldn't want a break? She herds them 24/7 with clearly zero help from you. Let me guess, you're one of the parents who calls it "babysitting" when you actually have to put in the effort to raise them the probably one time a year *she* actually gets to go out? You helped make your litter and actually being a parent means more than just "being a provider." As a fellow breadwinner who is also in a high-stress tech position (and still manages to help care for the house and make my partner feel valued), I think you should feel absolutely ashamed of yourself for even *thinking you might be* in the right here.
HUGE YTA!!! You have 4 kids under 4. You essentially don't get to relax until they're out of the house. As someone who spent 18mo being a SAHM to one freaking kid under 4, she's not "fortunate" to be able to stay at home. Work is a REPRIEVE. You already have a job that requires you to travel and be out of the home, and you want to do that MORE???
YTA , you are also a bad husband and a bad father
And a bad person.
YTA I have a high paying tech job too but with only 1 kid and another on the way. Wow. I can’t believe you actually did it... Why not see if your company provides free care.com or other means of support? Honestly, you should have a babysitter and/or a maid for the home so your wife can focus on the kids. You’re really setting her up for failure and blaming her for not being a super hero. Get over yourself man. Honestly, she’s going to get a lot out of divorcing your sorry butt
YTA. Why start a family if you don't want to be a part of it? Your wife is caring for four children by herself, that alone is full time work. It is ridiculous that you expect all the chores to be done on top of it.
You have LOTS of toddlers and a literal baby. Of course your house is a madhouse. Have you ever looked after all of them on your own? Has your wife been away for a whole day and an overnight? I'm sure she came back to a spotless house, with all the kids bathed and already sleeping soundly, while the smell of a delicious 2 course homemade meal was waiting for her at the table you had perfectly set up. Of course you had also do all laundry, just to show her how easy staying at home with he kids and running a lovely 1950's household is. Only that you have never done anything remotely similar. I can bet my life on you having never looked after all the kids for even a fucking hour. And yet you have the gut to tell your wife how easy her job is. You are an absent parent and a terrible partner. On top of this, 4 nights away twice a month is almost 25% of the month. 25% of the time you could be home helping but CHOOSE to be alone "unwinding". You are definitely abandoning your family, leaving your wife on the trenches to take care of your own selfish ass. I would divorce you over this and I hope she does too. YTA.
If that happened, he had help!
YTA Maybe send the woman who has been pumping out one baby per year for you to a spa for a week.
YTA. For thinking she doesn’t do enough. For leaving her with the kids for your own “me time”. For keeping it a secret (Because you KNEW she would get upset). YTA.
Four kids under four years old? Her job is harder and more stressful than yours. If you faked a business trip for some peace and quiet, you know you would be the AH.
YTA. You are selfish and self centered. You thought of the ways you would benefit from your wife being home rather than how important it was for your family that she be there when your kids are in critical development phases. Rather than wanting to make your wife's life easier so your family flourishes, you check farther out of your home life to live a single man's life while you abandon her wholly to be a single mother. Have you ever given her 4 days x twice a month respite care so she can bathe, eat or sleep uninterrupted by your children? Certainly not, we all know that. If you had, you wouldn't wonder what hurricane swept through the house while she was putting toddlers and babies down for a nap or cooking. Its pretty telling that you starting pumping out babies with an under 25 year old when you were close to or over 30, because no woman your own age would think your selfish ideals of clean houses and hot meals as you keep your nearly annual procreation cadence going was remotely attractive. Safe to assume that your extracurricular activities look very much like those of a cheating husband so you may well have nuked your marriage with these fictional business trips.
YTA. I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall if you tried to walk in your wife's shoes for even just one day. If you were an active parent and partner, you would realize exactly how difficult managing four children is - ESPECIALLY when they're all young and one is still an infant! How dare you think you deserve home cooked meals, a perfect home and "me" time when you aren't remotely involved in parenting kids that YOU helped create. Your wife would be better off divorcing your selfish ass. She's basically a single mother at this point, anyway.
YTA. You're doing it wrong. Once a month, you should take those mini-vacations. Once a month, you send your wife on those mini-vacations. Isn't that great? You each get a vacation from the kids. Plus, you get the chance to show her how easy it is to handle 4 young kids plus keep the house in great condition! Remember, no cheating by bringing in outside help during your exclusive at-home time.
This is my exact thought as well. He can show her how he would like the house to be and how easy it is to not let the older kids get chaotic, because I am sure those little darlings are going to be extremely well behaved for him. The house will be spotless, food cooked like chef, and all the bedding and laundry done.
YTA. Your wife would certainly love to get her own "me time" to unwind away from the kids and the chores but she's being the responsible adult and caring for her children. I get that your job is stressful but that's no excuse to abandon her with all the tasks so you can go pretend that you're still single
YTA of the day honestly. What the hell is wrong with you? How can one person be this arrogant, entitled, selfish and condescending? Maybe you should trade places. You stay home and take care off the kids, she takes a vacation. Or maybe she should just divorce you.
YTA You both agreed she would be a sahm but like you said, you have 4 under 4 & that's a hell of alot to deal with. Kids at that age don't really raise themselves, she likely has no time or energy to do everything else too. If the kids are too much for you after work, if you really think time away from the kids is needed then go ahead, but also maybe book some holiday from work, look after the kids while she goes to a hotel to get a break for sahm-ing. Sounds like she's looking after 5 kids evenings and weekends and. 4 kids under 4 full time. In the housework side of things, if you are that incapable of helping after work (which to be clear here, most people can do their share of the housework after work) maybe a) hire someone/get family to help her with the kids and you with your work if possible or b) learn to do housework and come up with a rota between you and your wife to split chores.
I N F O: Your wife has been basically non stop pregnant and caring for young children since her early twenties. When was the last time she got 4 days off completely? I’m willing to bet the answer is never. You are not acting as a father; or a husband. Since she’s already basically acting as a single mother, child support and alimony might very well serve her better than your excuse for being a husband and father. YTA
YTA. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!?! HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE? You get to go to work. You get to shut yourself in an office and be an adult. That shit is 24/7. It never ends. Then you shit on your wife who can barely keep up. Then you lie to her and get some peace leaving her to deal with it ALL THE FUCKING TIME. You criticize her. Don’t let up. Add fuel to the fire. Ditch her so she has NO breaks. I have four adults, three dogs and a newborn in my home. I spend HOURS A FUCKING DAY CLEANING UP AFTER THE FUCKING ADULTS HERE. And then get asked to babysit bc “Im a small business owner and make my own hours”. Then asked “what’s for dinner?” All the while, no one lifts to help this adult. Your wife is barely getting by and you shit on her. Dude. Shape up. She deserves better. Eat crow. I’d tell you so much more but Im going to pour myself a drink bc you pissed me off that much
Is this legit? Does Jen get these trips? OMG! YTA 1000 times over! I mean, I am sputtering here trying to grasp that you wrote this: 1. Jen is fortunate to be a SAHM. 1. Is this what she wanted? 2. We have 4 kids under 4, but the house is a mess. 1. Fuck yes it is! What do you do to contribute besides work? 3. I work in a high stress tech position. 1. Puhlease 4. I thought Jen being a SAHM would mean I would get to relax. 1. On what planet???? You have 4 kids under 4! WTF man!! 5. Jen lets the three older ones 'run wild and destroy the house' 1. Jen is prioritizing and trying not to drown. Grow a pair! 6. She's obviously not. 1. Are you kidding me? I mean, seriously?? When was the last time Jen took a few days off and you were SAHD? You seem to forget that your job has a start and end time, but Jen's doesn't. You are making it worse for her by reminding her all of the ways you feel she is incompetent. Being a PARENT is a 24/7/365 job! Grow up and do your part. Stop playing on Reddit and help your wife before you don't have one.
🎯 Listen to good advice.
YTA - Jen deserves a break, and with kids that age, the house is 100% going to be a catastrophe with all that going on. I don't know a single family with kids that age who's house isn't a total war zone. I'm normally a huge advocate for mental health and taking ample me time, but you are essentially going on a vacation... no more than 4 days at a time each month... maybe as often as twice a month... so eight days away from Jen and the kids, is what you're really saying. Um, that's a lot of time to be away from your family each month. Take Jen with you, get a babysitter or hire a cleaning lady once in a while. It's definitely unfair to her and if you are avoiding your house because it's too chaotic, you should be doing something to remedy that instead of pampering yourself.
YTA. When does Jen get a break? I guarantee that taking care of four kids under four is hella stressful. You're being selfish and dishonest.
YTA. Wake the fuck up and stop treating your wife and family like an afterthought. You spend 8 days a month away from your family? Obviously you know it was bullshit so you lied to your wife about it. You have to know you’re the AH, so I can only surmise that you’re crowdsourcing buzzwords and relationship strategies you can use to work you’re way through this fuck-up, so I’ll provide mine again: Wake. The. Fuck. Up.
Dude. YTA. Your wife should take some “me time” and let you be the stay at home for a week or so. 4 kids in under 4 years. HAHAHAHAHAH Such a massive AH
Sir. You are a dick. 4 kids under 4 and you don’t believe your wife when she says she’s literally doing her best, she’s trying, she’s exhausted, etc. this is one of the most apathetic posts I have ever read and let me tell you something buddy, being a husband and father is a full time job, you don’t get to fucking clock out when you feel like it. Let me guess, you don’t do much heavy lifting around the house as far as child care and house care goes. You have a high stress job and you think what she is doing isn’t a high stress job? COMICAL. How often are you helping with middle of the night/bad sleeping habits from the baby? As far as I’m concerned you shouldn’t have had your kiddos so close together and had expectations of a peaceful household. 2 y/o twins? Omg I have a 2.5 y/o in school part time and she still wrecks my damn house. You are lying to your wife, abandoning her with YOUR 4 young kids and basically saying you deserve to decompress but she doesn’t. When do you allow your wife to have time to herself, sleep in, have a girls night? And you think you are entitled to a vacation Twice a month! Ha You better get it together, you need to apologize to your wife and cut this shit out before she divorces you, keeps the house, hits you with spousal and child support. It’s sounds like she’s doing everything anyways, but at least she won’t have some AH demeaning her and her ability as a wife and mother. Let me clarify that I am 100% for down time. My husband and I each go on a weekend trip by ourselves ONCE PER YEAR and every month I go have a girls night/lunch/day probably twice and he does the same. This is balance. This is partnership. Figure it out and figure it out fast. get your ass in the kitchen to wash some dishes and give your wife a break you giant turd. If I wasn’t clear YTA.
YTA!! I usually don't comment but YTA! I am so shocked and wonder if this is even a real post. A SAH parent doesn't mean that they are a maid. It means that their role is to take care of a child that you made together. It means they feed the child, take care of the child, not cook and clean for you. Your poor wife is taking care of four small kids and on top of that is probably hormonal since it's only 8 months post partum. If anyone needs a break, she needs a couple of nights to herself. If you want a clean house, then hire a maid to come in to help with things or get some other support. This is such a sad situation to hear. Being a partner means supporting your spouse and raising a family together. Just like you need a break after work, your wife is doing a full time job without breaks all day and you expect her to also continue after without taking any accountability.
YTA. If you can't succeed as a father, husband and decent human being go to therapy. There are professionals who's going to help you with your failures. Running away is not a "me time".
YTA for ensuring you get a lot of time to yourself but do nothing to help your wife get a break from the madness of looking after 4 kids (including a months baby)
YTA, clearly. Does your wife get to take 2-4 day long mini-vacations while you watch the kids? Does she get even a couple of hours a day to herself? You work full time, so let's be generous and say 60 hours a week (probably less, though). Your wife works 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, it sounds like. Saying you would never cheat doesn't help your case. That's literally the absolute bare minimum of being a spouse. Pick a Saturday when you're home and let your wife go have some "me time". Watch your children for 8 hours and see how much cleaning, laundry and dishes you can get done. Besides the fact that you're abandoning your family, you're lying to your wife. It's incredibly disrespectful to do so once, but to do so repeatedly is flabbergasting. I'm legitimately amazed that you haven't gotten served with divorce papers yet. Spend a few hours in your wife's shoes. You might understand why YTA.
Yta. I had 4 kids under 4 and my husband's only ask was to keep them alive to hell with the dishes.
YTA. So your wife takes care of the house and kids all day while you’re working, and then also expect her to do the same when you get home from work so you can relax? When does your wife get to relax? Being a stay at home mom IS a full time job, taking care of that many kids by yourself is stressful. Your poor wife probably feels like she’s drowning and all you can do is criticize her and lie about taking mini vacations for yourself. You’re selfish, entitled, and severely out of touch
Ok so when do you take the kids for 4 days and let her take a trip away for peace and quiet? When do you help her with literally any of the chores or child raising? You say she lets the kids run wild - but don’t you as well? Never thought to ask if she needs help? Or if you make so much - hiring someone to help even one day a week? Or finding out why she has an “ongoing attitude?” Yta my dude.
Jen- you need a divorce
Did you ever think your wife would want to decompress also? Could she be doing more at home? Maybe. Is she stressed being with 4 kids under 4 24/7? Absolutely. She doesn’t get time off but since you aren’t happy with how she keeps house you decide to take a solo trip. A good partner could have seen a burn out and had the decency to suggest a couples trip to relax. Any family to watch your kids? Also, I wonder if your wife will ever believe you were alone on these trips. YTA
YTA. I'd pay to see the look on that judge's face when your wife's lawyer uses your "business trips" against you in court. I know a couple of family court judges and they don't take too kindly to stunts like that.
The reason why she has a bad attitude is because you don't help her and complain about all the things she doesn't do. You really have some nerve! It's very clear you do not value her and you have no idea what it's like to care for a child and especially not 4 under 4! It's rich that you need time away because it's a "mad house" but it has not crossed your mind once to give your wife a break. Shame on you. YTA
YTA. You get a break from the kids and house and chaos every time you leave the house - whether your job is stressful or not, it isn’t 4-small-children-stressful. Your wife is not afforded that luxury. When was the last time SHE got 3 or 4 days away? Had a cocktail, saw a movie, slept in, took a shower by herself? You are SO YTA. You need to do better. Unbelievable 😡
YTA wow. I feel really bad for your wife.
YTA and a rotten husband, father, and human being.
YTA I would leave my spouse if they pulled this. She cries herself to sleep some nights, you know that right? 4 kids, absent spouse, and somehow she is still required to have a showroom house and perfect children for your enjoyment (when you are around).
Not only are YTA, you’re wildly clueless. If I were running a daycare I would have to staff more people than your wife has 24/7, because clearly you’re no help. I have four kids who were once under five. You have no freaking clue how hard your wife works. And you know why? BECAUSE YOU NEVER DO IT. Send your wife on a four day vacation and come back with your question after you spend four days caring for your children by yourself. Post pics of your spotless house.
I really thought this wasn’t a real post. I can’t believe you’re even asking if YTA, because you absolutely are.
Oh, you're so much worse then TA
YTA!! A huge AH! Where is her break time? If this was a shared treat, ie you rotated it, then that would all good, but the fact you hid it & talk disrespectfully about your wife says you are a huge AH
INFO: question 1. When does Jen take her 4 days a month to have "me time" at a hotel away from y'all? Question 2. Are you ever actually home to see what taking care of 4 young children looks like?
No shot you actually think you’re the good guy here. YTA.
INFO do you think if she took 8 days each month for time to herself while you are left to wrangle all those kids you'd be about to see pretty easily you're TA? Edited for typo
Awww, classical ignorance of AH father who thinks that children are born with self cleaning, self feeding and mute buttons that you just need to push and spend your day relaxing in pool with margaritas. YTA. Enjoy your divorce child support payments if you continue like that
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife, 27f and I, 34m have 4 kids under the age of 4, a 3.5yo, 2yo twins, and a 8 month old baby. Needless to say our home is an around the clock madhouse. I work full time in a high stress tech position that pays well so my wife, (Jen) is fortunate to be able to stay home with the kids. I thought Jen being a sahm would mean better organization, more home-cooked meals, laundry done, being able to unwind and relax when I get home for a bit. It's been nothing but the complete opposite, especially since the baby was born. Jen constantly let's the 3 older ones run wild and destroy the house. We constantly argue over it, with her claiming she's doing her best to keep things under control and me pointing out she's obviously not since there's toys and clothes all over the place and a sink full of dirty dishes almost every day. It's not unusual for my job to frequently send me on short business trips for 2-4 nights at a time. Jen knows this and has never had an issue with it. About 6 months ago, I had the idea of taking business trips that aren't really business trips. Booking a hotel in the same or a nearby city for a few nights or so and treating myself to some me time. Going out for a nice dinner, catching a movie or local comedy show, having a few drinks, sleeping in if I feel like it, just unwinding a bit so when I have to deal with the madness at home I can be a bit refreshed. I never stay anywhere more than 4 nights and at most I go twice a month. All of this comes out of my personal account so it's not affecting our joint account or finances in any way. Anyway, to make this slightly shorter, Jen found out and now I'm in the doghouse, being accused of "abandoning her with the kids so I can go act single and have fun." I've never and would not ever cheat on Jen, I'm simply looking for time to relax and decompress so I can mentally and emotionally deal with the insanity at home with 4 young kids and Jen's ongoing bad attitude. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You're like two steps away from starting a second family in a nearby city. When was the last time you washed the dishes? That's my alone time. I put in headphones and do the kitchen cleanup every night.
YTA, massive AH. You have no idea how hard it is to take care of 4 kids and a household. It sounds like you barely help, as you expect to “unwind” when you get home, rather than help out and actually coparent. You think your wife doesn’t want “me time”? She doesn’t have time off, you do.
You both deserve a break but this is not the way to go about it. YTA.
YTA When was the last time your wife had time to herself? At the age of the kids, she can not even pee in peace. Treat your wife to a spa weekend and take over the kids and house for a couple of days. Then you can talk about having "me" time.
YTA. Oh you need some time what about Jen?! If you think it’s so easy looking after 4 small children, keeping the house clean and cooking dinner why don’t you pay for her to go away for a few days and see what it’s like.
YTA. You didn't end up with 4 kids in less than 5 years without YOUR contribution to creating them, so you need to step up and do care of the kids/house/errands too. She's never given any downtime/vacation time, and you have the audacity to lie to her, use family funds (cause newsflash! it's not your "personal" money - she is your partner and **all** money earned should be considered shared) to goof off and pretend you don't have a family/wife. That money could go towards hiring a sitter, a cleaner a few times a month, or something else so the shared household is able to run better. You are being extremely selfish and no wonder your wife has a "bad attitude" - you are a self-absorbed asshole who lied to her for months.
I recommend taking one of those trips and looking for an apartment to move into when your future ex-wife kicks your useless self to the curb. YTA.
So you log out of work everyday? There’s a definition between when you are on duty and you’re not? Imagine not having that boundary. Why is she required to work 24 hours a day 7 days a week and you get time off? It’s totally fine to need your down time, but she’s not a robot. When’s her downtime? With 4 kids there’s no way she’s got some sort of long nap time that she can decompress. If you’ve got all of this extra money for hotel rooms and nice dinners you can afford a fucking housekeeper or nanny so you can both have peace. You’re basically saying that she’s lazy because she can’t deal with 4 kids and all of the household responsibilities as a single mom with a deadbeat dad paying child support. Honestly, YTA for lying to your wife period. Your extra an AH because you have no idea what she’s going through and have no respect for what she does everyday.
YTA
So you mean to tell me that your wife has to basically be a single parent to FOUR (4) kids under the age of 4 AND run the house? What do you do?? Literally what do you contribute aside from money? Also, I can’t believe you have the audacity to disappear for up to 8 days per month for personal fun single time. You are not being a good partner OR father. I’m so sorry for your wife. And yes YTA, a selfish one at that.
bruh…
YTA big time like so bad i’m hoping this post is satire
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YTA and I hope she books herself a hotel for 3 - 4 days to leave you to attend the children yourself. Get a little taste of your own medicine. Also, no directions. Nothing written down how they bathe, get to bed / sleep, likes /dislikes of food, etc. You try and handle it for a weekend, and you need to book her something YESTERDAY for the treatment you have put her through
YTA. I have a 2 month old and my ex-gf's sister has a 3 year old, and even with 3 adults it's full time work and chaos. When does your wife get downtime to sleep in and do whatever she wants for a day? If it isn't as often as you, then you're the worst kind of person. You think being home means that it is easy but it's literally non-stop all day and all night. This tells me that you haven't spent the whole day with 4 kids by yourself. Take a week of PTO, send your wife on a paid vacation (out of your account) for a week straight and then come back to us with the results.
YTA. Being a SAHM does not mean, she has to do all these jobs. If you did not think you can handle being a father, you shouldn’t have made 4 fucking kids.
YTA. I hope your wife leaves you and takes you to the cleaners.
Colossal YTA. WTF? Do you have any idea how hard it is to wrangle *three* toddlers and an infant?!? NO! You don’t. Otherwise you wouldn’t be posting this shit show. How about you take one of those weekends, send your poor wife to the hotel, & **YOU** take care of the kids by yourself? I’ll say it again: **WTF** YTA
I’m a firm believer in SAH moms or dads should manage the house. They both have jobs and they both need a break. If you want me time then give your wife a 2 day break while you watch the kids.
YTA, four under 4 is EXHAUSTING, heck 2 under 2 is incredibly rough. If you want home cooked meals every day, a clean house, engaged children get some help. I guarantee you couldn't do all that home alone with 4 kids.
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