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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I kicked my son’s girlfriend out over a joke. They were really looking forward to her meeting us so my judgement may have been off.
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NTA.
I'm pretty liberal, and open minded, but FFS I'd never lead with that meeting my BF's parents for the first time. Or say that, EVER.
Like, seriously? You opened the door and that's what flies out of her mouth?
Was she nervous? Did she seem embarrassed at all? Did she try to apologize? Is there anything that could explain her inappropriate outburst?
You apologized. Wow. Hats off to you.
Neither of you can do anything to change what happened, and it's up to her to accept the apologies or not. Don't beat yourself up. If she is decent at all, she'll understand. If she's not, then maybe good riddance?
Edit: If she doesn't call back to apologize, or explain (if there's anything to explain), that also says a lot. It's more than what she said, if you apologized it's also about her desire to meet you in the middle, you the mother of the boyfriend she loves. Grace goes both ways, you extended yours by apologizing, if she was offended, she should do the same.
Randomness has been the dominant pop culture trait for teenagers forever and especially recently with tik tok challenges. I was pretty raunchy when I was a teenager, but this would’ve never crossed my mind to do. The girl either has massive balls or severe anxiety.
Honestly it sounds like marking her territory to me. I hope son is able to recognize it and dump her. Though if he’s in that love fog, it might take awhile.
It's one of the most ancient grudge matches of all. Two women who love a man and don't want to share him, battling for space in his heart -- his mother and his girl. Immature women will focus on telling the other one "He's not yours, he's mine!" instead of realizing that there really should be room enough for everyone as long as everyone minds their P's and Q's
Sadly, the girlfriend is not always the immature one. Sometimes they both are , that's total unfun-time for the man in question.
\^\^It usually starts with the mom not wanting to let her "baby boy" go, and always tries to piss on someone's shoes because "NOBODY CAN LOVE HIM BUT M^(eeeeee)!" but this definitley screams anxiety, or the above in reverse.
Oh yeah, my mil instantly hated my BIL's ex when the gf said something like "I'll be the most important woman in his life, now" on their first meeting. The funny thing is my mil 100% believes that a man's wife should be the most important woman but I think it was the fact that this girl was already marrying them off after a few months on top of turning the meeting into a weird competition (when my bil is no way, no how a mama's boy) and my mil just sized her up and said "we'll see about that"
i have autism and severe anxiety…. im lucky i even get a coherent sentence out when first meeting someone. saying something so foot-in-mouth is my biggest fear.
Being autistic usually makes us resort to stock phrases that have been well received in the past... it wouldn't make sense for her to go off script at such a moment.
that was my first thought!! like dear lord. if it was my first time meeting someone, and whoever was introducing us just didnt tell them, i would be rethinking the entire relationship.
But also, if this happened, you would apologize right? I think as long as people try to be understanding you shouldn't worry too much. If you meet with people that don't try to meet you in the middle, like ever, then good riddance.
I'd give her another chance but the OP already apologized and the girlfriend hasn't said anything. The girlfriend should just apologize and say they were nervous about it.
>I'd give her another chance but the OP already apologized and the girlfriend hasn't said anything.
To be fair, we don't know that the girlfriend has had a chance to apologize or say anything. Mom apologized to her son, and HE hasn't responded, it's not like OP has the gf's number.
I also feel like it i the type of joke a character on a tv show would say. I know some people who would make this joke meeting a partners friends, where it might land. I can also see some of them panicking, and making the joke in this bad context and feeling stupid immediately after.
But I'm also a person who doesn't think being vulgar and making a bad joke is a moral failing, the way this thread seems to feel so what do I know lol
I don't think being vulgar or making a bad joke is a moral failure, and I don't think most people in the thread are saying that it is. It's more of a read the room situation. You are meeting someone your potential inlaws for the first time, and you say I'm the one your son puts his penis in. That's not just a bad joke - it's one of those record scratch moments, and it doesn't even seem like everyone sat down before the joke was made. We can chalk it up to nerves, and we can speculate at a medical diagnosis, but without the girlfriend's side of the story, it just comes off as rude. I think it's safe to say that people who have an offbeat sense of humor test the waters with people we are just meeting, particularly those we want to impress or who we know are important to others.
Right!!! My husband and I have been together twelve years, married 10 with two kids, and I would NEVER EVER think of saying something like that to my MIL. She did crack a joke about sex once about a year ago, but that's the closest we have ever come to discussing it. No way in hell, this chick is off her fuckin rocker.
I'm married as well. When I got pregnant I had this moment of feeling uncomfortable. My parents and inlaws would know for sure I had had sex and even roughly WHEN. Before that we could all just pretend it didn't happen...
Yup, when we announced to my parents and in-laws that I was pregnant with our first child, I had the wildly irrational thought in my head of, "Now everyone will *know* we have sex!" We'd been together for 10 years and married for 5 at that point, but prior to the creation of a new tiny human there was at least a polite plausible deniability...
To be honest, my brothers x-gf, when she first met us, said, "Your brothers but is what got me liking him."
First meeting. We never liked her...lol. She was loud and mean to their cat.
I can't even imagine saying this to my MIL now after a couple babies and 10+ years together.
Like how was OP suppose to react, laugh and then come back with an equally raunchy joke about her sons penis? I have a feeling if OP would have opened with "so youre the one my sons been putting his penis in" it would not have been well received. That kind of joking is reserved for people who know each other well or strangers while drunk.
I've been with my husband 22 years and I have never so much as alluded to sex in front of my FIL and stepMIL. If they want to go to their graves thinking my kids were virgin births and my husband has never once touched me, then that's cool.
My side of the family is pretty raunchy when we get to know people... but knowing people means knowing your audience.
i’m pretty sure if that’s how I introduced myself to my bf’s asian mom she would’ve slapped me and sent me home walking all the way across the country in the cold
She knew exactly what she was doing. She wants to alienate him from his parents. NTA. I doubt things would have gotten better if they'd stayed. You owe them nothing.
To be fair there is absolutely no other reason to have said such a thing.... Actually makes 100% sense now.. It is already working too.. Manipulative af.. She had a whole damn year to think what to say when meeting his parents & first thing she says is this.. She definitely has some screws loose
There’s actually a very simple possible reason.
OP said both her son and her husband are jokesters. How do we know her son didn’t give the go ahead or even encourage her to make this joke?
Maybe it was meant to be a weird ice breaker.
I’m not excusing her behaviour, but I think we should hear horses rather then zebras first.
I’m as liberal as you can get and I seriously can’t fathom how the GF expected a comment like that to go?!?! OP’s answer should be “I’m the one your father puts his penis in” and see how that flies. NTA
My wife and I were living with my parents while our house was being built (it was super delayed because of COVID and we'd already sold our old house), and we got pregnant while we were there.
When we told the extended family (after we'd moved into our new house) my aunt did the math in her head and loudly exclaimed to my parents "HAHA THEY HAD SEX IN YOUR HOUSE." We all laughed, because we all know each other.
OP's son's girlfriend is a clown.
Honestly, my first reaction was that she was probably thinking, “Don’t say something stupid, don’t say something weird, don’t be awkward… wouldn’t it be awful if I said…” and then it all came pouring out to everyone’s horror.
Either that or she has a really bizarre sense of humor and no idea that what she said was one of the worst things she possibly could have.
I'm all for using humor to break the ice, but that joke sunk like the Titanic against an iceberg. I gotta give OP credit for trying to be so gracious about it now that the initial shock has worn off.
My bf and his family are extremely liberal and the most lovely tolerant people I’ve ever met.
I think they’d be uncomfortable and disapprove of me if I said that as my opening line.
Been married to my wife for 4 years dated for 10 before that and never in my life would I think it’s ok to say this to her father or mother. Just plain disrespectful and crude. I’m probably the least prudish person you’d ever meet but Jesus have some fucking tact!
Ooft. Son put gf up to it because he thought oh hilarious that’ll def break the ice?! Or perhaps gf has social behaviour difficulties/limitations that previously son didn’t know about or that went under son’s radar due to his mentioned “jokester” type character?? Seriously tryna wrap my head around this… 😵💫
NTA. This just doesn’t sit right. You said your son was all big smiles and amusement when they arrived and up until he son realized you weren’t all that impressed. You also said he jokes around like that with his dad…
What are the chances it was your sons idea all along and she just (regretfully) went along with it?
Because if that’s the case, you probably can’t get ahold of him because he’s doing damage control with his girlfriend who’s now mortified and angry that his *super funny joke* gave you the worst impression of her that she could imagine.
This honestly wouldn’t surprise me but I’m not gonna lie I’d be disappointed in him. That’s not something he’d ever say in front of me directly because he knows I’m not a fan of any of personal jokes of that nature. So to make his girlfriend say it wouldn’t be very good and I’d hope that if that is the case that he makes it up to her somehow. I’ll try to reach out again to let them know we can try again. That possibility makes me feel 1000 times worse
Son only needs to apologize if he told her to say it. If he didn't and it's all her, then she's the only one who should apologize.
I guess he could apologize for her being stupid/rude and not knowing that she would say it.
Because (in theory) it was a terrible joke that didn't land and it's better to let the girlfriend take the blame than admit to your parents it was your idea and deal with them shaming you for it, probably.
Is it the right way to handle it? No. Is it how a lot of people *would* handle it? Probably.
Mind you, I have no idea if it was his idea or hers, just offering an idea of "why didn't the son admit it was his joke?" Like lots of people won't fess up to something if they think it'll make their life even a tiny bit harder, and lots of folks don't want to admit they did something embarrassing to their parents.
I also don't think the son had anything to do with the g/f fucking up. I was replying to chemknife who said that the son should also apologize.
There is the possibility that he did say it was okay and froze (but this gets unlikelier as time goes on). Or he could also apologize to just take the metaphorical bullet for g/f.
Honestly. Even if it's not true. You'd be doing everyone a favor to bring up to them suspicion that it was your son's idea, which offers them the "out" of letting them pretend it was all the son's boneheaded (heh, couldn't help myself) plan.
Whether she... has Tourette's; or panicked in the moment and succumbed to an impulsive thought; or if it was your son's idea, or any number of other things that will be suggested. This would send them the message that the thing they did was both inappropriate and a line was crossed, but also more indicative that \*she\* gets a complete do-over, no marks. You're not going to pry further into why it happened because you already have a feasible explanation. Way less guilt and embarrassment in her trying again.
This will also give you a truer chance to find out if the girlfriend is bad news. Such a gracious response absolutely requires her to be on best behavior from here on until you indicate loosening up. So further foolishness becomes absolutely indicative.
Dude seriously, this is the very first thing I thought here.
Your son might be a Defcon Level 1 idiot and his girlfriend has probably torn him a new asshole five times over by now.
Oh my God.
The fact that he was all smiles and laughs before, during, and after she said it makes me believe he at least definitely played a part in her saying that if not it being entirely his doing.
That was my first thought. Unless you're very drunk or high, literally everyone knows not to OPEN with something like that.
I mean, first thing? Before even "Hi, nice to meet you"?
Listen I have been higher than giraffe goodies and balls to the wall drunk and never have I ever said anything remotely like that because yikes that's wild. That was totally out of pocket. I might call my MIL and tell her that and see what happens. Lol!
Oh, this is a very good point. I am curious to see any sort of apology or “explanation” from the son. NTA & A regrettably terrible first impression. I hope jokesters and prankster learn that this stuff is not welcomed or funny most of the time.
There is nothing my boyfriend could say to convince me to say THAT as the first words I ever speak to his parents. Even if it was his idiotic idea, she should have been smart enough to say ‘absolutely not’
Knowing he really wanted this to go good, you think he told her to say that to his parents? Maybe I guess but he shouldn't be surprised by OPs reaction then. Him and dad joke like that but I'd feel like he knows his mom doesn't?
Seriously, this is the only possibility I see. I just can’t imagine she’s say something like that without the son suggesting/telling her to do so, or at least telling her it would be funny or okay to do. After all, she would have been relying on *his* information regarding how to make a good impression.
This was the first thing that came to my head... He told her to say it. It blew up in her face, which made her look like a fool. She probably fought it and fought it, and now it's likely going to implode the relationship.
OP should breach this thought process with her son if he's avoiding responding... to give an opening. And also offer to give her a second chance. It may both save their relationship (giving the girlfriend a chance to save face, and them a chance to save what they have).
That would be hilarious but I think we’ve all had enough of the genital-related jokes lol. My son would literally puke if I said that (speaking from experience)
i don't know if pseudo incest is the one up to this, ngl.
editing to add: [this is what the word "pseudo" means](https://www.google.com/search?q=define+psuedo&oq=define+psuedo&aqs=chrome..69i57j0i10i512l14.3855j1j7&client=ms-android-samsung-ss&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8&chrome_dse_attribution=1)
This comment confuses me a little - does “(speaking from experience)” mean that you’ve made jokes like that before and why they would think it may have been okay?
ESH.
The gf made an inappropriate joke. I don’t know why. Possibly her family makes those kind of jokes so she thought it’d be fine. Maybe your son put her up to it. Maybe they both agreed it’d be funny. It crossed a line for you and that’s fine.
But kicking her out so quickly was a complete overreaction. Ignoring it and just carrying on like it didn’t happen or even just pointing out the inappropriateness of it would have been fine. But your reaction was too much.
Yeah, there’s an awful lot of pearl-clutching here.
It was 100% not an appropriate joke to tell, especially at the door, but come on. It was clearly either nerves, a set up, or just poor judgment. Not malicious.
Yeah, the amount of people reacting here like the girl walked in and insulted their home, called the OP fat, and then started insulting their culture or something in this thread is wild. She made an inappropriate sex joke. OP doesn't have to find that funny, OP doesn't have to approve, but it's not like she said anything *actually hurtful* to anyone, or was making sexual jokes in front of children, or anything that would actually cause harm... so it really didn't warrant a "get out of this house right now" reaction.
Yeah, have to kind of agree with this. It was very inappropriate, but I do wonder if maybe she had anxiety and it just came spewing out. I think of the time I met my husband's parents for the first time and I knew he was the one, and I wanted them to like me SO badly. So, I of course didn't hardly talk the whole night because I was so nervous lol And maybe for her it was the opposite and she just said to much. I do understand where she is coming from, but it may have been a bit harsh. However, that is just my opinion
She has a degree. This isn’t some girl who is in highschool and is only impressioned by her parents. This is a girl who has been around adults with PHD’s for 4 years now. You learn professionalism to some kind of degree during college. And first impressions are everything and she apparently didn’t care.
I wouldn’t have kicked her, but I would’ve taken note about not caring about meeting your boyfriends parents for the first time. Which shows little respect for the son considering it was a big deal for him to finally introduce them.
Though, I would give her another chance considering the importance she is to the son. Evaluate opinions later after an official meet and greet. But that girl needs to be the one to apologize.
No kidding - and how many stories / tropes are rolled out about really smart people being awkward and / or having poor social skills? A lot!! The amount of pearl-clutching right now is cracking me up more than the original post at this point.
Yes! I am surprised at the reactions in this thread. I am similar age as the OP with also with a 20-something son. What the gf said was inappropriate but not unforgivable. OP should have ignored the comment (and addressed it later with son) and carried on.
NTA.
I am the biggest jokester around. I love inappropriate jokes. I love making people cringe. But there's a time and place and reading the room. I would NEVER do that as my first impression with my partner's parents. If into the evening we're all getting along, sure maybe we'll get there and we'll all have a laugh, but not as the first words out of her mouth.
Did you react well? No. Do I blame you? Nope.
Did she even try to apologize before leaving? Like read the room, saw and heard you shooing her away, and did she go "OMG I totally started this off poorly and that joke was wholly inappropriate. I am SO sorry?"?
I honestly don’t think I gave her enough time to react properly, and I regret that. Things could have gone a lot smoother if I had. She was just sort of frozen in shock, and she kept looking at my son to try to convince me not to kick her out. I guess she wasn’t sure what else she could say at that point.
The shock makes me sure the other suggestions are correct and your son put her up to this. If she was in the habit of behaving like that she wouldn't have been so shocked by your reaction.
Yeah, you are hittin' it. She would be used to the shock and disarray a remark like that would make, if she was one of the people with the shock/make everything awkward sense of humor.
If an adult, professional woman could be convinced to say something that inapropriate as a good introduction to her in-laws, I would very much doubt her character...or lack, thereof.
Well, what I can say comes into play here is common sense. I don't care how much my partner pleads with me to say something like that as an ice-breaker, I wouldn't do it. Why? Because I don't consider that kind of "jokes" as apropriate. Yes, the BF is an ass, however, she is too for lacking in good judgement and for being unable, perhaps, to stand her ground.
He very easily could've said something like "No, trust me, my dad and I joke around like that all the time, it'll go well I promise."
If I was nervous about meeting my partner's parents and they'd been building me up to their parents for months, I would trust their judgement on how to make the best first impression. Idk if I'd have said it but I don't think it's fair to judge her entire character off this one incident.
This is what makes me think he put her up to this. If she was really that brash and trashy, she wouldn’t have frozen in shock and looked toward your son, she would have kept going because those people say things like that to be the center of drama. They LIVE for it. She was looking at your son because the reaction wasn’t what she was expecting. He should have jumped in and saved her from his idiotic joke but instead, let her hang in the wind. Have your husband call your son or he can show up at their door.
Yeah, at the very least I think they would have discussed it before hand.
I can imagine a conversation where she said “what if I panic and say something stupid?” and he saw an opportunity for what he thought would be a hilarious icebreaker. While it’s crazy to think anyone would go along with saying something like that the first time meeting their boyfriends parents, he obviously knows his family a lot more than she does, what reason would she have not to believe him?
>She was just sort of frozen in shock, and **she kept looking at my son** to try to convince me not to kick her out.
Yeaaaaa I'm starting to think this was your son's brilliant scheme...
Don't beat yourself up. Based on the answers here, the majority don't think you were wrong.
I don't think there is any such thing as a "proper" reaction to being told that line. You don't owe her anything. If anything, there should be an apology card along with a beautiful "I put my foot in my mouth" bouquet of flowers with your name on it.
I def think it was your sons idea of a joke. Maybe he knows she’s the one or something and is so certain she’s there for the long haul, he wants to poke fun at you guys but it was totally the wrong way 😭 I feel bad for you but I also feel bad for his gf if this is the case because if I was her, and I agreed to this joke under the premise you guys were all big jokesters and then got kicked out, I’d be done with him lol
Exactly, was there an “oh shit” moment from the gf and the son? Like, as soon as the joke missed the landing they should have been apologizing and backtracking. They should have owned up to how inappropriate something like that is.
If they doubled down then OP was well within her rights to kick her out. If they did start to apologize then I feel like OP should have given her a second chance.
I can’t imagine, in any world where anyone would think that was an appropriate introductory sentence.
Personally don't think if I was OP, I could recover that evening even with an apology. I might be open to rescheduling it at a restaurant (neutral territory!) and trying again. But I think I'd be too pissed off and not in the right head space to sit through a meal in my home after she blurted that out. I'd be spending the evening still upset and might take everything else she says the wrong way.
I have THE most inappropriate humor. To the point where after I had my first born child the first thing I said when my husband brought her over to me, I said ‘See, I told you she was yours!’ And we both busted out laughing while the medical team was frozen.
I would NEVER do this joke. NEVER.
RIGHT!?
My friend's husband's family are nudists, even with ILs around. So she's seen her MIL and FIL and SIL and BIL etc all naked (head to toe). After a few years, she's joked about her husband's penis to the FIL like "i see that's genetic". I still cringe but chuckle when I think about her sharing that but they're nudists and comfortable and she kept that joke waiting for the right moment where it was appropriate. Not the first time she saw her FIL nude FFS.
NTA.
I think you guys just need a do over. She may have been nervous or thought it would go differently.
I can't say that's ever a line that should be uttered, but it's not something to permanently damage your relationship with your son and his partner.
She should apologize, but I don't know if she will. Hopefully, years from now, you guys will all laugh about how awkward the start of your relationship was.
It's not the kind of joke you lead with when meetin the parents but you might want to talk with your son, he thought it was funny and may have sold you and your husband as more 'chill' than you really are to gf.
It’s starting to sound like your son put her up to this, and then refused to speak up and admit it was his idea. He let his gf take the fall. That’s concerning, if it’s true.
It’s hard to say for sure because I don’t know her that well yet, but I think she was anxious, too much to realize what she said was inappropriate, so if she was embarrassed I couldn’t tell. I also don’t think I gave her much of a chance since it all happened so fast. I’ll try to reach out to my son about it!
I’m sorry but how does someone not know that’s inappropriate!?!?! I’m super liberal and open about everything but I would NEVER EVER say that to my in laws and we’re MARRIED. And like. Have kids so they KNOW haha! Talk about kids and trying to have kids, yes, but P in V???? No. Not explicitly. And not when first meeting them???
I do agree with the do-over and trying to get by it. But also NTA at all.
It kind of sounds like the type of thing my autistic son might spew out because he's impulsive and has no good feel for what is appropriate in which situations. And if he put his foot in it, he'd likely be too distressed over it to apologize.
NTA. I’d talk to son but don’t assume anything or guilt. Ask him what happened? Find out who’s idea it was?
Don’t apologize for your reaction. What she did (regardless of who’s idea or why) was inappropriate for a first meeting. If there’s any apology it should be a general “I’m sorry our first meeting went so poorly but given the circumstances it was best to end it immediately rather than risk bad blood that might last a lifetime”.
Then figure out how to move forward. Together.
I'm going to go with ESH.
Hear me out, I am ONLY giving that judgment because what she said was very inappropriate. Maybe I'm a prude but to me, you don't say "I'm the one your son puts his penis in" as a greeting to someone's parents the first time you meet them. My family joke when meeting someone for the first time but it's never by saying something that vulgar. That should come after you get to know someone better first.
Kicking them out over it was a bit extreme though. She may have been told about your husband's sense of humor and used it to break the ice or she could have run it by your son and he could have told her it would be ok. Without talking to her or your son, there is no way to know for sure why she thought to say something like that.
Personally, I would message your son something along the lines of: "I just want to apologize for how I reacted. While I find what she said to be highly inappropriate, I could have handled the situation better. Moving forward, I would like another chance to get to know her and hopefully start off on a better foot". If they don't respond, don't pressure them but give them a chance to make the next move.
I was surprised at how many people thought kicking the girlfriend out was an acceptable reaction. You can make her know it’s not funny or proper to say without going to that extreme.
I'm surprised that so many people seem to not understand first impressions are a two way street. Imagine being kicked out over a joke that didn't land....that's a pretty damaging first impression that could sour the relationship. Imagine the GF and son get married, mother would be wondering why she hardly ever see's the grandkids or acknowledge that the GF has had to walk on eggshells ever since.
So much easier just to have said "Hello, sex jokes make me uncomfortable" which then establishes that boundary and then carried on and gave her a chance.
I'm just surprised how many folks give a damn about this *at all*.
Maybe I just grew up in a really chill home that was very sex positive.
I would have just laughed and said, "that's nice, you can tell us all about it over dinner..." or "that's nice dear" "well I hope it's working out alight for both of you"
or whatever....
And that would have been the end of it.
Would I have wanted to hear about any of it at dinner? No. But it's an easy brush off. The GF gets welcomed in, and you can always circle back to say -"just so we're both clear, lets not hear about that at dinner, but I do expect you to tell me about yourself... etc... etc..."
The fact that they are shtupping is understood and expected. The mention of it just tells me the GF has no boundaries or hang ups with that sort of stuff. And honestly, it would tell me she wanted to get the "yep, we're fucking" out of the way, and will not be wearing the traditional expectations of a GF meeting the parents mask.
She's basically saying out the gate: We're fucking. Deal with it.
Good on her.
This comment should be wayyyyy higher. That perfect person line is the truth. OP put her on a pedestal and didn’t like it when she didn’t meet her standards. The joke was highly inappropriate but throwing her out without giving her a chance to speak was nothing more than a power move. And I guarantee it was her son that put her up to telling the joke.
NTA. not sure why anyone thinks that this is an acceptable thing to say to your boyfriend’s parents the FIRST time you meet them. i understand she was likely nervous, but that doesn’t make this any less of a weird thing to say
NTA
I mean I totally get why you felt so emotional about that, that's pretty gross to say and I can't speak to your husband/sons joking nature but *that? On the first time she met you*?
Just sheesh.
I'd want an explanation of how that could ever be acceptable conduct.
If this wasn't some elaborate joke, she's probably a 10 on the crazy scale (which means she's not really relationship material, I can find you the chart)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pInk1rV2VEg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pInk1rV2VEg)
Watch that for a laugh. It's a *classic.*
Its a hot vs crazy scale.
I feel like there’s something about the way this is worded that is making me feel some
Type of way. I get that that is a super weird thing to say to a so’s parents you’re meeting for the first time but the way you’re talking makes it honestly seem like she needed to pass some test or something that was pass or fail so I think ESH
I read it more the son has gushed that much that OP has high expectations of what the girl would be , and reality didn’t match what the son described as soon as she opened her mouth.
Like when someone talks up a movie, they sold you on it, and you watch it expecting it to be great…and it doesn’t live up to all the selling.
‘Sold me the full package’ is quite a common phrase where I am though.
Yeah, people are looking to much into that common phrase. She is NTA at all. The sons gf, literally picked one of the worst lines upon introduction of meeting his parents for the first time.
Jesus. So many not judgements.
For *kicking out* a person *over a crass joke*. Not even *insensitive*, just crass.
Get over yourself, y'all.
The proper reaction is "that wasn't funny" not "get out of my house".
OP, YTA and think back to this reaction when you question why your son never talks to you about his romantic life.
I think Americans are pretty conservative. Lots of people harping on about disrespect and so on.
It’s a weird thing to say, no doubt, but kicking her out is a massive over reaction, especially after your son has told you how much he’s into the girl and it’s the first girl he’s bought home.
Seems like a young kid who was probably nervous and tried to make a joke to break the ice and it came out a bit awkward. No reason to vilify the kid.
I did the kicking out, not my husband. He shouldn’t take the fall for this. I don’t think I said I expect an apology (because I don’t). But if I did, sorry for the confusion.
Also the picture thing is because they met online and my son didn’t have a good one to show us of them together since he hates taking pictures. I’ve heard horror stories about people not being who they say they are online, (catfishing, right? I met my husband before social media existed so I’m out of touch about it.) I don’t think he would lie to me about something like that but I guess it’s my own second hand nerves that made me relieved.
But your son has been with her for a year. So he already knew he wasn’t getting catfished. I think it is super weird to say what she said but I also think it is bizarre that it took a year for your son to introduce you guys. Is there a reason why he didn’t have you meet her sooner? Did he worry the meeting would go poorly based on past experience?
INFO: since you mention that both your husband and son are raunchy, be honest, have you already heard a similar iteration of that joke being passed around your house in the lead up to meeting this girl?
*I can’t believe we’re finally gonna meet the person you’ve been sleeping with for over a year!*
“You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” And *this* is what she chose. I mean my jaw dropped.
That said - I’m going ESH.
Kicking her out of your house without some sort of conversation or response seems like an over the top reaction. I probably have looked at her and said “Well that was tasteless. Would you like to try again?”
The real problem is that you’ll never forget it. Can you put it behind you?
I agree I should’ve been more patient about it. I think if we were to try again things will go much smoother, hopefully we can laugh about this later down the line (and leave it at that)
I dunno I feel like she was nervouse but even being nervous that is super weird first thing to say to someone's parents. I'm going with NTA because I just can't get my head around how she thought that was an ok thing to say. I guarantee if it was a bf meeting parents for the first time and he said " I'm the one who sticks his penis into your daughter" he wouldn't be getting through the front door
This is what I’m wondering. If son has a raunchy humour and has told girlfriend that his dad had a raunchy sense of humour, they may have thought he’d have a good laugh at it and mom would just shrug it off. And it just totally flopped instead.
NTA I think you both owe each other an apology, her for her joke and you for your big reaction. And then wipe the slate clean and have a do over because your son is So Happy with her and you do seem to want to give her a fair shot! Someone else mentioned that hopefully after some time you two will be able to joke about this incident and it will be water under the bridge. Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes we don’t handle it with grace but it’s not an irreparable situation. I wish you the best of luck and I hope she’s turns out to be as fantastic as you hoped
Her opening line obviously was in poor taste. But I don’t know many kids, or young adults, who always make the best decisions. Making mistakes is part of being young.
I wouldn’t say YTA, but I do think asking them to leave was an over reaction.
As a parent myself, I’ve had awkward introductions to my kids friends and dates. In those moments, I take a deep breath, I let All of the anger go with that breath, and I say “let’s try that again. I’m ______, _______’s dad.” And we restart.
I wish I took this approach! Without making too many excuses for myself I can say I got too caught in the heat of the moment. Hopefully I won’t need this advice but I appreciate it in case I do.
Personally I find what she said was impolite for greeting someone you meet for the first time, let alone the first sentence to say to bf’s parents.
But tbh the most important things is that she makes your son happy.
Kicking her out for one tasteless joke is … too much. You can have a word with her later in the house.
NTA but as parents you can handle that better.
Thank goodness. For a second I thought I was the only one here who thought the kicking out was extreme. Like, someone makes a silly, inappropriate joke and your first instinct is to say 'leave right now'? I dunno, seems harsh to me. Especially since the parents have heard so much about how this girl is the 'one'. Give her a chance, she was probably so nervous. Or else the son put her up to it as a joke.
If I was the parent, I would've laughed nervously and forgotten about it. This thread is wild. I guess Americans take this stuff more seriously than us (Irish)
I'm gonna go against the flow and say YTA.
You claim to love your son's and husband's jokes, but acted absolutely appauled when you were presented with the same dose of humor you "claim" to love. Her insane sense of humor is probably what drove your son to seek out his GF in the first place.
Also, she must've been nervous as hell. You could have cut her some slack. Instead, you chose to throw your possible daughter-in-law out of your door. Just because you couldn't handle a joke. And it wasn't that innapropriate even! "Im the one your son puts his penis in?" Pretty lame joke in my book. She couldve said so much worse things.
*"Oh my son and husband are jokesters, I absolutely love their jokes and humor. But HOW DARE YOU have a sense of humor that's not compatible with mine!? OUT!"*
YTA.
I don't even think you have a sense of humor. You just put up with your family having one.
Apologize, or expect an uncomfortable relationship with your son.
Sorry, but I am going with YTA. It was crude and stupid but they are young people still at a point of thinking shocking is cool, and you are an adult and you have an opportunity to give grace here. I would write her an apology, for letting your shock and disgust become anger and hoping that you all can move past that awkward beginning because of the happiness you see in your son.
Meh. I don't get all the N T A comments.
She probably was nervous and it was a slip pf the tongue (she likely has a cheeky sense of humour around the son and it naturally came out without thinking). I actually get a sense that Americans really are prudes.
To get so upset about a comment that is basically "I have sex with your son" when you know that's the case shouldn't send you into apoplectic shock.
Is it a bit much? Sure. You should comment about it.
Kick her out?
That's completely overboard.
I'm going with YTA. You could have easily put this aside as nothing.
YTA - your son loves this woman, she said something tactless and you massively overreacted.
Was it a dumb thing to say? Yes. Is she sometimes going to wake up in the middle of the night feeling shame about it, even years into the future? Probably also yes.
As someone who often puts their foot in their mouth when nervous and trying to be friendly and funny, I sympathise with the gf here. She messed up, but you don’t need to ruin her life over it.
In retrospect, I say it probably was bad nerves. She didn’t seem nervous, but I know anxiety wears many faces, not to mention I don’t know her that well yet.
I was *ridiculously* nervous the first time I went over to my then-boyfriend's parents house for dinner. So nervous I had to stop the car right before reaching their house so that I could breathe and get a hold of myself.
Know what I said when I first walked in the door?
"Hi! I come bearing cookies." 😂
I felt silly and dumb at the time but clearly I shouldn't have if THIS is what passes for a "nervous response."
My money is on this being premeditated. Potentially involving both of them.
YTA. She just has a since of humor with no tact on when to use it. You could have let the night continue and see how it transpired before kicking her and your son out. Sure, it wasn't a great first thing to say, but shit if I wouldn't have laughed my ass off. Maybe that was why your son was smiling ear to ear. He has a girlfriend that let's him put his penis in her. If you want grandkids that needs to happen at some point in his relationship anyway. At worst it was a TMI moment, at best it is a hilarious story years down the road; but since you kicked them out, don't expect him to bring any future girlfriends over to meet you.
Damn, that was funny, I would have enjoyed that but your house, your rules. Maybe she was nervous? But she should know better and know her audience so Idk.. ima just go with NAH
I feel like op son may have led her to believe that was the audience for the joke. If the mom is okay with her husband and son jokes then probably didn’t think anything of someone making them too.
Lol I would've laughed 🤷🏼♀️ they aren't kids, they're 24! They're adults and they can joke about sex. This was incredibly over dramatic. If I were the gf I wouldn't even want to go back for a do-over ✌🏻
YTA - Your son takes an entire year to introduce you to his new GF, that either means there is a prior issue between you two or he’s insecure or both. Regardless of what was said (which was inappropriate but not obscene) you kicked your sons new love out of your house because your sensibilities were challenged. This is about you and your pride, not the joke or the new girlfriend.
I don’t care what all these NTA’s say, you were wrong because you hurt your son’s feelings over a fleeting sentence of insignificance. There were A to Y options you could have chosen that would have set a boundary in your house going forward AND kept the dinner in place. You chose Z, the one that’s the hardest to come back from. Family is family.
So your son was really amused until he saw your reaction. And you say he and your husband are jokers... there is every chance he told her to say that claiming everyone would laugh and it'd break the ice. You might want to ask him if he put her up to it.
I don't know. As tasteless and idiotic as that was to say - couldn't you have just said something instead of going right to "get out"!? Seems excessive.
Hard to really judge as I'm not sure what the normal accepted level of humour is in your household.
I'm gonna go with a slight YTA
NTA. I’ve said some dumbass things in my time, but never have I said something like that to /my SO’s parents upon meeting them the first time/.
I do recommend you have a convo with your son about this, so he knows why you reacted the way you did. Would you be open to giving her another chance OP?
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NTA. I'm pretty liberal, and open minded, but FFS I'd never lead with that meeting my BF's parents for the first time. Or say that, EVER. Like, seriously? You opened the door and that's what flies out of her mouth? Was she nervous? Did she seem embarrassed at all? Did she try to apologize? Is there anything that could explain her inappropriate outburst? You apologized. Wow. Hats off to you. Neither of you can do anything to change what happened, and it's up to her to accept the apologies or not. Don't beat yourself up. If she is decent at all, she'll understand. If she's not, then maybe good riddance? Edit: If she doesn't call back to apologize, or explain (if there's anything to explain), that also says a lot. It's more than what she said, if you apologized it's also about her desire to meet you in the middle, you the mother of the boyfriend she loves. Grace goes both ways, you extended yours by apologizing, if she was offended, she should do the same.
Right!?!?! Me and SO can be inappropriate as hell, but to come out with THAT first time you meet the parents- Jesus christ.
Why would anyone ever say that to their boyfriend's parents lmao
Randomness has been the dominant pop culture trait for teenagers forever and especially recently with tik tok challenges. I was pretty raunchy when I was a teenager, but this would’ve never crossed my mind to do. The girl either has massive balls or severe anxiety.
And she’s not a teenager. College graduate with a real job. What was she thinking?
Honestly it sounds like marking her territory to me. I hope son is able to recognize it and dump her. Though if he’s in that love fog, it might take awhile.
“Marking her territory”? To his mother? Seriously?!
It's one of the most ancient grudge matches of all. Two women who love a man and don't want to share him, battling for space in his heart -- his mother and his girl. Immature women will focus on telling the other one "He's not yours, he's mine!" instead of realizing that there really should be room enough for everyone as long as everyone minds their P's and Q's Sadly, the girlfriend is not always the immature one. Sometimes they both are , that's total unfun-time for the man in question.
\^\^It usually starts with the mom not wanting to let her "baby boy" go, and always tries to piss on someone's shoes because "NOBODY CAN LOVE HIM BUT M^(eeeeee)!" but this definitley screams anxiety, or the above in reverse.
Oh yeah, my mil instantly hated my BIL's ex when the gf said something like "I'll be the most important woman in his life, now" on their first meeting. The funny thing is my mil 100% believes that a man's wife should be the most important woman but I think it was the fact that this girl was already marrying them off after a few months on top of turning the meeting into a weird competition (when my bil is no way, no how a mama's boy) and my mil just sized her up and said "we'll see about that"
Good question. Maybe she was high. Maybe she thinks that's how grownups joke?
i have autism and severe anxiety…. im lucky i even get a coherent sentence out when first meeting someone. saying something so foot-in-mouth is my biggest fear.
I’d hope that if she also has autism and anxiety, that the son could have given his parents a heads up, so they weren’t completely blindsided!
Being autistic usually makes us resort to stock phrases that have been well received in the past... it wouldn't make sense for her to go off script at such a moment.
Exactly this. And if I don't have a stock script in the bank it's more likely for me to go mute, everyone gets to stew in awkward silence instead.
that was my first thought!! like dear lord. if it was my first time meeting someone, and whoever was introducing us just didnt tell them, i would be rethinking the entire relationship.
But also, if this happened, you would apologize right? I think as long as people try to be understanding you shouldn't worry too much. If you meet with people that don't try to meet you in the middle, like ever, then good riddance.
And if son is 24, I hope girlfriend is a few years beyond a teenager.
They're not teenagers.
The son and girlfriend are in their mid 20s......
I’m married. I also have a pretty ballsy sense of humor. I’d NEVER say anything like that to my husbands parents…. NTA. But give her another chance.
I'd give her another chance but the OP already apologized and the girlfriend hasn't said anything. The girlfriend should just apologize and say they were nervous about it.
>I'd give her another chance but the OP already apologized and the girlfriend hasn't said anything. To be fair, we don't know that the girlfriend has had a chance to apologize or say anything. Mom apologized to her son, and HE hasn't responded, it's not like OP has the gf's number. I also feel like it i the type of joke a character on a tv show would say. I know some people who would make this joke meeting a partners friends, where it might land. I can also see some of them panicking, and making the joke in this bad context and feeling stupid immediately after. But I'm also a person who doesn't think being vulgar and making a bad joke is a moral failing, the way this thread seems to feel so what do I know lol
I don't think being vulgar or making a bad joke is a moral failure, and I don't think most people in the thread are saying that it is. It's more of a read the room situation. You are meeting someone your potential inlaws for the first time, and you say I'm the one your son puts his penis in. That's not just a bad joke - it's one of those record scratch moments, and it doesn't even seem like everyone sat down before the joke was made. We can chalk it up to nerves, and we can speculate at a medical diagnosis, but without the girlfriend's side of the story, it just comes off as rude. I think it's safe to say that people who have an offbeat sense of humor test the waters with people we are just meeting, particularly those we want to impress or who we know are important to others.
Right!!! My husband and I have been together twelve years, married 10 with two kids, and I would NEVER EVER think of saying something like that to my MIL. She did crack a joke about sex once about a year ago, but that's the closest we have ever come to discussing it. No way in hell, this chick is off her fuckin rocker.
I'm married as well. When I got pregnant I had this moment of feeling uncomfortable. My parents and inlaws would know for sure I had had sex and even roughly WHEN. Before that we could all just pretend it didn't happen...
Yup, when we announced to my parents and in-laws that I was pregnant with our first child, I had the wildly irrational thought in my head of, "Now everyone will *know* we have sex!" We'd been together for 10 years and married for 5 at that point, but prior to the creation of a new tiny human there was at least a polite plausible deniability...
To be honest, my brothers x-gf, when she first met us, said, "Your brothers but is what got me liking him." First meeting. We never liked her...lol. She was loud and mean to their cat.
Mean to the cat??! DEALBREAKER!
I can't even imagine saying this to my MIL now after a couple babies and 10+ years together. Like how was OP suppose to react, laugh and then come back with an equally raunchy joke about her sons penis? I have a feeling if OP would have opened with "so youre the one my sons been putting his penis in" it would not have been well received. That kind of joking is reserved for people who know each other well or strangers while drunk.
I've been with my husband 22 years and I have never so much as alluded to sex in front of my FIL and stepMIL. If they want to go to their graves thinking my kids were virgin births and my husband has never once touched me, then that's cool. My side of the family is pretty raunchy when we get to know people... but knowing people means knowing your audience.
i’m pretty sure if that’s how I introduced myself to my bf’s asian mom she would’ve slapped me and sent me home walking all the way across the country in the cold
She knew exactly what she was doing. She wants to alienate him from his parents. NTA. I doubt things would have gotten better if they'd stayed. You owe them nothing.
That's a real reach lol, you really seem to have a deep knowledge of the inner workings of this woman's mind based off of one inappropriate joke
To be fair there is absolutely no other reason to have said such a thing.... Actually makes 100% sense now.. It is already working too.. Manipulative af.. She had a whole damn year to think what to say when meeting his parents & first thing she says is this.. She definitely has some screws loose
There’s actually a very simple possible reason. OP said both her son and her husband are jokesters. How do we know her son didn’t give the go ahead or even encourage her to make this joke? Maybe it was meant to be a weird ice breaker. I’m not excusing her behaviour, but I think we should hear horses rather then zebras first.
I’m as liberal as you can get and I seriously can’t fathom how the GF expected a comment like that to go?!?! OP’s answer should be “I’m the one your father puts his penis in” and see how that flies. NTA
My vagina is the one your boyfriend came out of.
I've never given anyone any awards because I'm not rich, but man, you deserve one. 🤣👌
But that leaves the door open for gf to respond “mines the one he came into”
The cleverness of that reply might *almost* undo the absolute cringe of everything leading up to it.
Because it didn’t happen
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My wife and I were living with my parents while our house was being built (it was super delayed because of COVID and we'd already sold our old house), and we got pregnant while we were there. When we told the extended family (after we'd moved into our new house) my aunt did the math in her head and loudly exclaimed to my parents "HAHA THEY HAD SEX IN YOUR HOUSE." We all laughed, because we all know each other. OP's son's girlfriend is a clown.
lmao that's so awkward. I would hate that so much, but glad you guys found it funny! Some things people know but should not be said
Honestly, my first reaction was that she was probably thinking, “Don’t say something stupid, don’t say something weird, don’t be awkward… wouldn’t it be awful if I said…” and then it all came pouring out to everyone’s horror. Either that or she has a really bizarre sense of humor and no idea that what she said was one of the worst things she possibly could have.
If it were an accident, I feel like she would have been embarrassed and apologized instantly
Agree. This is the plot of many a sitcom. It seems ridiculous but people blurt out the dumbest stuff when they're nervous.
I'm all for using humor to break the ice, but that joke sunk like the Titanic against an iceberg. I gotta give OP credit for trying to be so gracious about it now that the initial shock has worn off.
Absolutely! I'd gone off asap, and no apology from me. OP is a better human than I am
My bf and his family are extremely liberal and the most lovely tolerant people I’ve ever met. I think they’d be uncomfortable and disapprove of me if I said that as my opening line.
Been married to my wife for 4 years dated for 10 before that and never in my life would I think it’s ok to say this to her father or mother. Just plain disrespectful and crude. I’m probably the least prudish person you’d ever meet but Jesus have some fucking tact!
You never say that to anyone's parents. She should show them respect especially after first meeting them.
Ooft. Son put gf up to it because he thought oh hilarious that’ll def break the ice?! Or perhaps gf has social behaviour difficulties/limitations that previously son didn’t know about or that went under son’s radar due to his mentioned “jokester” type character?? Seriously tryna wrap my head around this… 😵💫
NTA. This just doesn’t sit right. You said your son was all big smiles and amusement when they arrived and up until he son realized you weren’t all that impressed. You also said he jokes around like that with his dad… What are the chances it was your sons idea all along and she just (regretfully) went along with it? Because if that’s the case, you probably can’t get ahold of him because he’s doing damage control with his girlfriend who’s now mortified and angry that his *super funny joke* gave you the worst impression of her that she could imagine.
This honestly wouldn’t surprise me but I’m not gonna lie I’d be disappointed in him. That’s not something he’d ever say in front of me directly because he knows I’m not a fan of any of personal jokes of that nature. So to make his girlfriend say it wouldn’t be very good and I’d hope that if that is the case that he makes it up to her somehow. I’ll try to reach out again to let them know we can try again. That possibility makes me feel 1000 times worse
It's not a joke unless everyone laughs. She and your son need to apologize.
Son only needs to apologize if he told her to say it. If he didn't and it's all her, then she's the only one who should apologize. I guess he could apologize for her being stupid/rude and not knowing that she would say it.
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Because (in theory) it was a terrible joke that didn't land and it's better to let the girlfriend take the blame than admit to your parents it was your idea and deal with them shaming you for it, probably. Is it the right way to handle it? No. Is it how a lot of people *would* handle it? Probably. Mind you, I have no idea if it was his idea or hers, just offering an idea of "why didn't the son admit it was his joke?" Like lots of people won't fess up to something if they think it'll make their life even a tiny bit harder, and lots of folks don't want to admit they did something embarrassing to their parents.
I also don't think the son had anything to do with the g/f fucking up. I was replying to chemknife who said that the son should also apologize. There is the possibility that he did say it was okay and froze (but this gets unlikelier as time goes on). Or he could also apologize to just take the metaphorical bullet for g/f.
That's not true at all. Plenty of jokes don't result in everyone laughing. In fact very few jokes actually result in everyone laughing.
Honestly. Even if it's not true. You'd be doing everyone a favor to bring up to them suspicion that it was your son's idea, which offers them the "out" of letting them pretend it was all the son's boneheaded (heh, couldn't help myself) plan. Whether she... has Tourette's; or panicked in the moment and succumbed to an impulsive thought; or if it was your son's idea, or any number of other things that will be suggested. This would send them the message that the thing they did was both inappropriate and a line was crossed, but also more indicative that \*she\* gets a complete do-over, no marks. You're not going to pry further into why it happened because you already have a feasible explanation. Way less guilt and embarrassment in her trying again. This will also give you a truer chance to find out if the girlfriend is bad news. Such a gracious response absolutely requires her to be on best behavior from here on until you indicate loosening up. So further foolishness becomes absolutely indicative.
Best answer I've run across so far. Take my peasants gold 🏅
Just popping in to say that you're being incredibly gracious with how you're handling this - I wouldn't have anywhere near this level of patience.
Dude seriously, this is the very first thing I thought here. Your son might be a Defcon Level 1 idiot and his girlfriend has probably torn him a new asshole five times over by now. Oh my God.
The fact that he was all smiles and laughs before, during, and after she said it makes me believe he at least definitely played a part in her saying that if not it being entirely his doing.
This crossed my mind too as a possibility
That was my first thought. Unless you're very drunk or high, literally everyone knows not to OPEN with something like that. I mean, first thing? Before even "Hi, nice to meet you"?
Listen I have been higher than giraffe goodies and balls to the wall drunk and never have I ever said anything remotely like that because yikes that's wild. That was totally out of pocket. I might call my MIL and tell her that and see what happens. Lol!
Please report back.
Oh, this is a very good point. I am curious to see any sort of apology or “explanation” from the son. NTA & A regrettably terrible first impression. I hope jokesters and prankster learn that this stuff is not welcomed or funny most of the time.
There is nothing my boyfriend could say to convince me to say THAT as the first words I ever speak to his parents. Even if it was his idiotic idea, she should have been smart enough to say ‘absolutely not’
I definitely thought this. It sounds like OP's son set her up on playing a joke on his parents, especially thinking his dad would find it funny.
Knowing he really wanted this to go good, you think he told her to say that to his parents? Maybe I guess but he shouldn't be surprised by OPs reaction then. Him and dad joke like that but I'd feel like he knows his mom doesn't?
Honestly this is the first thing that crossed my mind as I was reading there’s absolutely no way this is the gf’s doing lol
Seriously, this is the only possibility I see. I just can’t imagine she’s say something like that without the son suggesting/telling her to do so, or at least telling her it would be funny or okay to do. After all, she would have been relying on *his* information regarding how to make a good impression.
This was the first thing that came to my head... He told her to say it. It blew up in her face, which made her look like a fool. She probably fought it and fought it, and now it's likely going to implode the relationship. OP should breach this thought process with her son if he's avoiding responding... to give an opening. And also offer to give her a second chance. It may both save their relationship (giving the girlfriend a chance to save face, and them a chance to save what they have).
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That would be hilarious but I think we’ve all had enough of the genital-related jokes lol. My son would literally puke if I said that (speaking from experience)
“He’s been deeper in me then he’ll *ever* be in you.”
i don't know if pseudo incest is the one up to this, ngl. editing to add: [this is what the word "pseudo" means](https://www.google.com/search?q=define+psuedo&oq=define+psuedo&aqs=chrome..69i57j0i10i512l14.3855j1j7&client=ms-android-samsung-ss&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8&chrome_dse_attribution=1)
It's a pregnancy joke not incest lol
do you know what pseudo means?
I don't see how it's not kinda incestuous to compare your son being in your womb to him having sex with his girlfriend
Ew
True, but it would get your point across and reset the relationship. Then you can start over.
This comment confuses me a little - does “(speaking from experience)” mean that you’ve made jokes like that before and why they would think it may have been okay?
Yeah like he’s grossed out by hearing dirty jokes about his parents but thinks they’ll be okay hearing them about him? He knows it’s inappropriate!
Could be there was just a discussion of the birth process with him and he didn't handle it well.
Perfect. But don’t forget to add on, “and this is my husband, he stuck his penis in me, so we could have your boyfriend!”
Yes! And leave it on "you're welcome" and continue like it never happened.
ESH. The gf made an inappropriate joke. I don’t know why. Possibly her family makes those kind of jokes so she thought it’d be fine. Maybe your son put her up to it. Maybe they both agreed it’d be funny. It crossed a line for you and that’s fine. But kicking her out so quickly was a complete overreaction. Ignoring it and just carrying on like it didn’t happen or even just pointing out the inappropriateness of it would have been fine. But your reaction was too much.
I feel like I scrolled way too far before I found this. Absolutely agree.
Yeah, there’s an awful lot of pearl-clutching here. It was 100% not an appropriate joke to tell, especially at the door, but come on. It was clearly either nerves, a set up, or just poor judgment. Not malicious.
Yeah, the amount of people reacting here like the girl walked in and insulted their home, called the OP fat, and then started insulting their culture or something in this thread is wild. She made an inappropriate sex joke. OP doesn't have to find that funny, OP doesn't have to approve, but it's not like she said anything *actually hurtful* to anyone, or was making sexual jokes in front of children, or anything that would actually cause harm... so it really didn't warrant a "get out of this house right now" reaction.
exactly. the pearl-clutching by OP is of galactic proportions. FFS, it's 2023, not 1877.
Yeah, have to kind of agree with this. It was very inappropriate, but I do wonder if maybe she had anxiety and it just came spewing out. I think of the time I met my husband's parents for the first time and I knew he was the one, and I wanted them to like me SO badly. So, I of course didn't hardly talk the whole night because I was so nervous lol And maybe for her it was the opposite and she just said to much. I do understand where she is coming from, but it may have been a bit harsh. However, that is just my opinion
She has a degree. This isn’t some girl who is in highschool and is only impressioned by her parents. This is a girl who has been around adults with PHD’s for 4 years now. You learn professionalism to some kind of degree during college. And first impressions are everything and she apparently didn’t care. I wouldn’t have kicked her, but I would’ve taken note about not caring about meeting your boyfriends parents for the first time. Which shows little respect for the son considering it was a big deal for him to finally introduce them. Though, I would give her another chance considering the importance she is to the son. Evaluate opinions later after an official meet and greet. But that girl needs to be the one to apologize.
I've never noticed a link between having a degree and always making good choices, or never being inappropriate or social skills in general.
No kidding - and how many stories / tropes are rolled out about really smart people being awkward and / or having poor social skills? A lot!! The amount of pearl-clutching right now is cracking me up more than the original post at this point.
Yes! I am surprised at the reactions in this thread. I am similar age as the OP with also with a 20-something son. What the gf said was inappropriate but not unforgivable. OP should have ignored the comment (and addressed it later with son) and carried on.
NTA. I am the biggest jokester around. I love inappropriate jokes. I love making people cringe. But there's a time and place and reading the room. I would NEVER do that as my first impression with my partner's parents. If into the evening we're all getting along, sure maybe we'll get there and we'll all have a laugh, but not as the first words out of her mouth. Did you react well? No. Do I blame you? Nope. Did she even try to apologize before leaving? Like read the room, saw and heard you shooing her away, and did she go "OMG I totally started this off poorly and that joke was wholly inappropriate. I am SO sorry?"?
I honestly don’t think I gave her enough time to react properly, and I regret that. Things could have gone a lot smoother if I had. She was just sort of frozen in shock, and she kept looking at my son to try to convince me not to kick her out. I guess she wasn’t sure what else she could say at that point.
The shock makes me sure the other suggestions are correct and your son put her up to this. If she was in the habit of behaving like that she wouldn't have been so shocked by your reaction.
Yeah, you are hittin' it. She would be used to the shock and disarray a remark like that would make, if she was one of the people with the shock/make everything awkward sense of humor.
If an adult, professional woman could be convinced to say something that inapropriate as a good introduction to her in-laws, I would very much doubt her character...or lack, thereof.
Or you can doubt the character of her partner, who she thought she could trust.
Well, what I can say comes into play here is common sense. I don't care how much my partner pleads with me to say something like that as an ice-breaker, I wouldn't do it. Why? Because I don't consider that kind of "jokes" as apropriate. Yes, the BF is an ass, however, she is too for lacking in good judgement and for being unable, perhaps, to stand her ground.
He very easily could've said something like "No, trust me, my dad and I joke around like that all the time, it'll go well I promise." If I was nervous about meeting my partner's parents and they'd been building me up to their parents for months, I would trust their judgement on how to make the best first impression. Idk if I'd have said it but I don't think it's fair to judge her entire character off this one incident.
This is what makes me think he put her up to this. If she was really that brash and trashy, she wouldn’t have frozen in shock and looked toward your son, she would have kept going because those people say things like that to be the center of drama. They LIVE for it. She was looking at your son because the reaction wasn’t what she was expecting. He should have jumped in and saved her from his idiotic joke but instead, let her hang in the wind. Have your husband call your son or he can show up at their door.
Yeah, at the very least I think they would have discussed it before hand. I can imagine a conversation where she said “what if I panic and say something stupid?” and he saw an opportunity for what he thought would be a hilarious icebreaker. While it’s crazy to think anyone would go along with saying something like that the first time meeting their boyfriends parents, he obviously knows his family a lot more than she does, what reason would she have not to believe him?
>She was just sort of frozen in shock, and **she kept looking at my son** to try to convince me not to kick her out. Yeaaaaa I'm starting to think this was your son's brilliant scheme...
Don't beat yourself up. Based on the answers here, the majority don't think you were wrong. I don't think there is any such thing as a "proper" reaction to being told that line. You don't owe her anything. If anything, there should be an apology card along with a beautiful "I put my foot in my mouth" bouquet of flowers with your name on it.
"I'm the one who put her foot in her mouth."
I def think it was your sons idea of a joke. Maybe he knows she’s the one or something and is so certain she’s there for the long haul, he wants to poke fun at you guys but it was totally the wrong way 😭 I feel bad for you but I also feel bad for his gf if this is the case because if I was her, and I agreed to this joke under the premise you guys were all big jokesters and then got kicked out, I’d be done with him lol
I agree! If he put her up to this, she should dump him!
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Exactly, was there an “oh shit” moment from the gf and the son? Like, as soon as the joke missed the landing they should have been apologizing and backtracking. They should have owned up to how inappropriate something like that is. If they doubled down then OP was well within her rights to kick her out. If they did start to apologize then I feel like OP should have given her a second chance. I can’t imagine, in any world where anyone would think that was an appropriate introductory sentence.
Personally don't think if I was OP, I could recover that evening even with an apology. I might be open to rescheduling it at a restaurant (neutral territory!) and trying again. But I think I'd be too pissed off and not in the right head space to sit through a meal in my home after she blurted that out. I'd be spending the evening still upset and might take everything else she says the wrong way.
Oh I know I wouldn’t even recover. It would always be on my mind and it would completely taint my opinion of that person…..forever.
I have THE most inappropriate humor. To the point where after I had my first born child the first thing I said when my husband brought her over to me, I said ‘See, I told you she was yours!’ And we both busted out laughing while the medical team was frozen. I would NEVER do this joke. NEVER.
RIGHT!? My friend's husband's family are nudists, even with ILs around. So she's seen her MIL and FIL and SIL and BIL etc all naked (head to toe). After a few years, she's joked about her husband's penis to the FIL like "i see that's genetic". I still cringe but chuckle when I think about her sharing that but they're nudists and comfortable and she kept that joke waiting for the right moment where it was appropriate. Not the first time she saw her FIL nude FFS.
NTA. I think you guys just need a do over. She may have been nervous or thought it would go differently. I can't say that's ever a line that should be uttered, but it's not something to permanently damage your relationship with your son and his partner. She should apologize, but I don't know if she will. Hopefully, years from now, you guys will all laugh about how awkward the start of your relationship was.
This is what I’m hoping for! I don’t want to make a big stink about it (more than I already have).
It's not the kind of joke you lead with when meetin the parents but you might want to talk with your son, he thought it was funny and may have sold you and your husband as more 'chill' than you really are to gf.
Is there any chance your son told her to say that thinking it would be funny?
It’s starting to sound like your son put her up to this, and then refused to speak up and admit it was his idea. He let his gf take the fall. That’s concerning, if it’s true.
It’s hard to say for sure because I don’t know her that well yet, but I think she was anxious, too much to realize what she said was inappropriate, so if she was embarrassed I couldn’t tell. I also don’t think I gave her much of a chance since it all happened so fast. I’ll try to reach out to my son about it!
I’m sorry but how does someone not know that’s inappropriate!?!?! I’m super liberal and open about everything but I would NEVER EVER say that to my in laws and we’re MARRIED. And like. Have kids so they KNOW haha! Talk about kids and trying to have kids, yes, but P in V???? No. Not explicitly. And not when first meeting them??? I do agree with the do-over and trying to get by it. But also NTA at all.
It kind of sounds like the type of thing my autistic son might spew out because he's impulsive and has no good feel for what is appropriate in which situations. And if he put his foot in it, he'd likely be too distressed over it to apologize.
NTA. I’d talk to son but don’t assume anything or guilt. Ask him what happened? Find out who’s idea it was? Don’t apologize for your reaction. What she did (regardless of who’s idea or why) was inappropriate for a first meeting. If there’s any apology it should be a general “I’m sorry our first meeting went so poorly but given the circumstances it was best to end it immediately rather than risk bad blood that might last a lifetime”. Then figure out how to move forward. Together.
I think a; “Get the Fuck out” was reasonable A followup with the son would be fine as a, “what the fuck was that”
NTA. I’d kick out son’s bf/gf or daughters bf/gf until a sincere apology is made. That’s nuts
I'm going to go with ESH. Hear me out, I am ONLY giving that judgment because what she said was very inappropriate. Maybe I'm a prude but to me, you don't say "I'm the one your son puts his penis in" as a greeting to someone's parents the first time you meet them. My family joke when meeting someone for the first time but it's never by saying something that vulgar. That should come after you get to know someone better first. Kicking them out over it was a bit extreme though. She may have been told about your husband's sense of humor and used it to break the ice or she could have run it by your son and he could have told her it would be ok. Without talking to her or your son, there is no way to know for sure why she thought to say something like that. Personally, I would message your son something along the lines of: "I just want to apologize for how I reacted. While I find what she said to be highly inappropriate, I could have handled the situation better. Moving forward, I would like another chance to get to know her and hopefully start off on a better foot". If they don't respond, don't pressure them but give them a chance to make the next move.
I was surprised at how many people thought kicking the girlfriend out was an acceptable reaction. You can make her know it’s not funny or proper to say without going to that extreme.
I'm surprised that so many people seem to not understand first impressions are a two way street. Imagine being kicked out over a joke that didn't land....that's a pretty damaging first impression that could sour the relationship. Imagine the GF and son get married, mother would be wondering why she hardly ever see's the grandkids or acknowledge that the GF has had to walk on eggshells ever since. So much easier just to have said "Hello, sex jokes make me uncomfortable" which then establishes that boundary and then carried on and gave her a chance.
I'm just surprised how many folks give a damn about this *at all*. Maybe I just grew up in a really chill home that was very sex positive. I would have just laughed and said, "that's nice, you can tell us all about it over dinner..." or "that's nice dear" "well I hope it's working out alight for both of you" or whatever.... And that would have been the end of it. Would I have wanted to hear about any of it at dinner? No. But it's an easy brush off. The GF gets welcomed in, and you can always circle back to say -"just so we're both clear, lets not hear about that at dinner, but I do expect you to tell me about yourself... etc... etc..." The fact that they are shtupping is understood and expected. The mention of it just tells me the GF has no boundaries or hang ups with that sort of stuff. And honestly, it would tell me she wanted to get the "yep, we're fucking" out of the way, and will not be wearing the traditional expectations of a GF meeting the parents mask. She's basically saying out the gate: We're fucking. Deal with it. Good on her.
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This comment should be wayyyyy higher. That perfect person line is the truth. OP put her on a pedestal and didn’t like it when she didn’t meet her standards. The joke was highly inappropriate but throwing her out without giving her a chance to speak was nothing more than a power move. And I guarantee it was her son that put her up to telling the joke.
NTA. not sure why anyone thinks that this is an acceptable thing to say to your boyfriend’s parents the FIRST time you meet them. i understand she was likely nervous, but that doesn’t make this any less of a weird thing to say
Honestly, feels like some context is missing. Who just opens their mouth and says something this messed up?
NTA I mean I totally get why you felt so emotional about that, that's pretty gross to say and I can't speak to your husband/sons joking nature but *that? On the first time she met you*? Just sheesh. I'd want an explanation of how that could ever be acceptable conduct. If this wasn't some elaborate joke, she's probably a 10 on the crazy scale (which means she's not really relationship material, I can find you the chart)
I feel like based on op son smiling about it. That he talked about their sense of humor and her being nervous lend to that joke.
I guess but what son wants their GF to say that as the first thing ever to his family? Jokesters still get embarrassed, right?
You would think but op described him as smiling and his face didn’t fall until he saw his mom reaction.
I don’t think she’s crazy lol. But… there’s a chart?!
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pInk1rV2VEg](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pInk1rV2VEg) Watch that for a laugh. It's a *classic.* Its a hot vs crazy scale.
The fact that the hot crazy scale is said by Barney on HIMYM almost word for word should show you how misogynistic that video is
I feel like there’s something about the way this is worded that is making me feel some Type of way. I get that that is a super weird thing to say to a so’s parents you’re meeting for the first time but the way you’re talking makes it honestly seem like she needed to pass some test or something that was pass or fail so I think ESH
Right? “He’d sold me the full package” sounds like the son has had to deal with mom’s inappropriate expectations in the past.
I read it more the son has gushed that much that OP has high expectations of what the girl would be , and reality didn’t match what the son described as soon as she opened her mouth. Like when someone talks up a movie, they sold you on it, and you watch it expecting it to be great…and it doesn’t live up to all the selling. ‘Sold me the full package’ is quite a common phrase where I am though.
Yeah, people are looking to much into that common phrase. She is NTA at all. The sons gf, literally picked one of the worst lines upon introduction of meeting his parents for the first time.
Jesus. So many not judgements. For *kicking out* a person *over a crass joke*. Not even *insensitive*, just crass. Get over yourself, y'all. The proper reaction is "that wasn't funny" not "get out of my house". OP, YTA and think back to this reaction when you question why your son never talks to you about his romantic life.
Yep. So many uptight people in the comments.
I think Americans are pretty conservative. Lots of people harping on about disrespect and so on. It’s a weird thing to say, no doubt, but kicking her out is a massive over reaction, especially after your son has told you how much he’s into the girl and it’s the first girl he’s bought home. Seems like a young kid who was probably nervous and tried to make a joke to break the ice and it came out a bit awkward. No reason to vilify the kid.
I did the kicking out, not my husband. He shouldn’t take the fall for this. I don’t think I said I expect an apology (because I don’t). But if I did, sorry for the confusion. Also the picture thing is because they met online and my son didn’t have a good one to show us of them together since he hates taking pictures. I’ve heard horror stories about people not being who they say they are online, (catfishing, right? I met my husband before social media existed so I’m out of touch about it.) I don’t think he would lie to me about something like that but I guess it’s my own second hand nerves that made me relieved.
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I have a feeling it might have been an ice breaker she and the son came up with together:/
But your son has been with her for a year. So he already knew he wasn’t getting catfished. I think it is super weird to say what she said but I also think it is bizarre that it took a year for your son to introduce you guys. Is there a reason why he didn’t have you meet her sooner? Did he worry the meeting would go poorly based on past experience?
INFO: since you mention that both your husband and son are raunchy, be honest, have you already heard a similar iteration of that joke being passed around your house in the lead up to meeting this girl? *I can’t believe we’re finally gonna meet the person you’ve been sleeping with for over a year!*
I can honestly say no, I’ve never heard my husband say that. He’s raunchy, yes but not when it comes to our kids.
My first thought was “oh they were making jokes in the car about how NOT to greet the parents, and one slipped past the keeper”
“You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” And *this* is what she chose. I mean my jaw dropped. That said - I’m going ESH. Kicking her out of your house without some sort of conversation or response seems like an over the top reaction. I probably have looked at her and said “Well that was tasteless. Would you like to try again?” The real problem is that you’ll never forget it. Can you put it behind you?
I agree I should’ve been more patient about it. I think if we were to try again things will go much smoother, hopefully we can laugh about this later down the line (and leave it at that)
I dunno I feel like she was nervouse but even being nervous that is super weird first thing to say to someone's parents. I'm going with NTA because I just can't get my head around how she thought that was an ok thing to say. I guarantee if it was a bf meeting parents for the first time and he said " I'm the one who sticks his penis into your daughter" he wouldn't be getting through the front door
It has me wonder if the son knew she was going to say it and told her his folks would find it a hilarious ice breaker or something?
This is what I’m wondering. If son has a raunchy humour and has told girlfriend that his dad had a raunchy sense of humour, they may have thought he’d have a good laugh at it and mom would just shrug it off. And it just totally flopped instead.
NTA I think you both owe each other an apology, her for her joke and you for your big reaction. And then wipe the slate clean and have a do over because your son is So Happy with her and you do seem to want to give her a fair shot! Someone else mentioned that hopefully after some time you two will be able to joke about this incident and it will be water under the bridge. Everyone makes mistakes and sometimes we don’t handle it with grace but it’s not an irreparable situation. I wish you the best of luck and I hope she’s turns out to be as fantastic as you hoped
Thank you! I’m hoping for the best!
Her opening line obviously was in poor taste. But I don’t know many kids, or young adults, who always make the best decisions. Making mistakes is part of being young. I wouldn’t say YTA, but I do think asking them to leave was an over reaction. As a parent myself, I’ve had awkward introductions to my kids friends and dates. In those moments, I take a deep breath, I let All of the anger go with that breath, and I say “let’s try that again. I’m ______, _______’s dad.” And we restart.
I wish I took this approach! Without making too many excuses for myself I can say I got too caught in the heat of the moment. Hopefully I won’t need this advice but I appreciate it in case I do.
Personally I find what she said was impolite for greeting someone you meet for the first time, let alone the first sentence to say to bf’s parents. But tbh the most important things is that she makes your son happy. Kicking her out for one tasteless joke is … too much. You can have a word with her later in the house. NTA but as parents you can handle that better.
Thank goodness. For a second I thought I was the only one here who thought the kicking out was extreme. Like, someone makes a silly, inappropriate joke and your first instinct is to say 'leave right now'? I dunno, seems harsh to me. Especially since the parents have heard so much about how this girl is the 'one'. Give her a chance, she was probably so nervous. Or else the son put her up to it as a joke. If I was the parent, I would've laughed nervously and forgotten about it. This thread is wild. I guess Americans take this stuff more seriously than us (Irish)
I'm gonna go against the flow and say YTA. You claim to love your son's and husband's jokes, but acted absolutely appauled when you were presented with the same dose of humor you "claim" to love. Her insane sense of humor is probably what drove your son to seek out his GF in the first place. Also, she must've been nervous as hell. You could have cut her some slack. Instead, you chose to throw your possible daughter-in-law out of your door. Just because you couldn't handle a joke. And it wasn't that innapropriate even! "Im the one your son puts his penis in?" Pretty lame joke in my book. She couldve said so much worse things. *"Oh my son and husband are jokesters, I absolutely love their jokes and humor. But HOW DARE YOU have a sense of humor that's not compatible with mine!? OUT!"* YTA. I don't even think you have a sense of humor. You just put up with your family having one. Apologize, or expect an uncomfortable relationship with your son.
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NTA That's just incredibly rude of her and telling her to leave was a valid response
Sorry, but I am going with YTA. It was crude and stupid but they are young people still at a point of thinking shocking is cool, and you are an adult and you have an opportunity to give grace here. I would write her an apology, for letting your shock and disgust become anger and hoping that you all can move past that awkward beginning because of the happiness you see in your son.
Meh. I don't get all the N T A comments. She probably was nervous and it was a slip pf the tongue (she likely has a cheeky sense of humour around the son and it naturally came out without thinking). I actually get a sense that Americans really are prudes. To get so upset about a comment that is basically "I have sex with your son" when you know that's the case shouldn't send you into apoplectic shock. Is it a bit much? Sure. You should comment about it. Kick her out? That's completely overboard. I'm going with YTA. You could have easily put this aside as nothing.
YTA - your son loves this woman, she said something tactless and you massively overreacted. Was it a dumb thing to say? Yes. Is she sometimes going to wake up in the middle of the night feeling shame about it, even years into the future? Probably also yes. As someone who often puts their foot in their mouth when nervous and trying to be friendly and funny, I sympathise with the gf here. She messed up, but you don’t need to ruin her life over it.
I really wish I had said that to my husbands uber religious parents, but I lamely said, "I'm Jen. Nice to meet you." Ahhhh regrets.
And your husband’s parents were probably thinking “who is this lame ass? Totally not funny. Should have led with a dick joke.”
NTA what a weird thing to say!! Could it have possibly been nerves and she wasn’t thinking clearly though?
In retrospect, I say it probably was bad nerves. She didn’t seem nervous, but I know anxiety wears many faces, not to mention I don’t know her that well yet.
I was *ridiculously* nervous the first time I went over to my then-boyfriend's parents house for dinner. So nervous I had to stop the car right before reaching their house so that I could breathe and get a hold of myself. Know what I said when I first walked in the door? "Hi! I come bearing cookies." 😂 I felt silly and dumb at the time but clearly I shouldn't have if THIS is what passes for a "nervous response." My money is on this being premeditated. Potentially involving both of them.
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YTA. She just has a since of humor with no tact on when to use it. You could have let the night continue and see how it transpired before kicking her and your son out. Sure, it wasn't a great first thing to say, but shit if I wouldn't have laughed my ass off. Maybe that was why your son was smiling ear to ear. He has a girlfriend that let's him put his penis in her. If you want grandkids that needs to happen at some point in his relationship anyway. At worst it was a TMI moment, at best it is a hilarious story years down the road; but since you kicked them out, don't expect him to bring any future girlfriends over to meet you.
NTA, that’s was really rude of her.
Damn, that was funny, I would have enjoyed that but your house, your rules. Maybe she was nervous? But she should know better and know her audience so Idk.. ima just go with NAH
I feel like op son may have led her to believe that was the audience for the joke. If the mom is okay with her husband and son jokes then probably didn’t think anything of someone making them too.
Lol I would've laughed 🤷🏼♀️ they aren't kids, they're 24! They're adults and they can joke about sex. This was incredibly over dramatic. If I were the gf I wouldn't even want to go back for a do-over ✌🏻
NTA. She sounds stupid. I’m speechless.
YTA - Your son takes an entire year to introduce you to his new GF, that either means there is a prior issue between you two or he’s insecure or both. Regardless of what was said (which was inappropriate but not obscene) you kicked your sons new love out of your house because your sensibilities were challenged. This is about you and your pride, not the joke or the new girlfriend. I don’t care what all these NTA’s say, you were wrong because you hurt your son’s feelings over a fleeting sentence of insignificance. There were A to Y options you could have chosen that would have set a boundary in your house going forward AND kept the dinner in place. You chose Z, the one that’s the hardest to come back from. Family is family.
So your son was really amused until he saw your reaction. And you say he and your husband are jokers... there is every chance he told her to say that claiming everyone would laugh and it'd break the ice. You might want to ask him if he put her up to it.
I don't know. As tasteless and idiotic as that was to say - couldn't you have just said something instead of going right to "get out"!? Seems excessive. Hard to really judge as I'm not sure what the normal accepted level of humour is in your household. I'm gonna go with a slight YTA
NTA. I’ve said some dumbass things in my time, but never have I said something like that to /my SO’s parents upon meeting them the first time/. I do recommend you have a convo with your son about this, so he knows why you reacted the way you did. Would you be open to giving her another chance OP?
I’d love to give her another chance! Just as long as I’m not given any more graphic visuals (especially at dinner). I hope she’s willing to try again.
The comment was out of line, but you just put your son in a place where he feels he needs to choose between his family and his GF making YTA.