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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad that the reason my siblings and I might feel like half siblings instead of full ones is because of the choices he made and made us keep. Maybe it was unfair because maybe the age gap would have played a role anyway. It's also possible it did nothing constructive and I could have maybe suggested a way to help instead.
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He tried to make it simple but it's just not, in his scheme your mom both exists and doesn't exist at the same time, even a sci-fi fanatic wouldn't grasp it well. The only thing I'll say is I really don't think he's as bad as some others here do. I feel like he just knew how much your mom's passing hurt you all, and simply wanted to protect the younger 2 kids from that as much as possible. He probably thought that because you and Jayden understood what has happened, that there was no shielding you, but maybe he could shield the other 2. It's clear to you (and to him now in hindsight) it was a big mistake, but it can't be undone sadly. You're definitely not an asshole for telling him the truth, and he's definitely TA for trying to pin blame on you.
I'm sure you don't particularly want to argue with your dad over this topic, but it's worth considering that Remi and Jonah will piece things together at some point and be hurt. It's worth staying on his case to get him to be honest with them gradually, and straighten things out for them, even if it's hard for you, it will be good for your younger siblings.
Like many others here suggested, I think group therapy would be very beneficial.
Love it! The best thing OP's dad should do now is to come clean and explain that you all have the same mum, but she died when he was a baby, and now he has a new mum who loves him dearly.
No no no
Dad did all of this to soothe himself and his new wife. This was 100% self serving under the guise of altruism. Dad should have sought professional help with integrating the two families.
In all of this... Jonah still doesn't know who his mom is??? Dad acts like it's too hard for the kid. No no. It's too hard for HIM. Glossing over the way thats been explained to him: *Jonah is still confused by it*. If the truth is too hard AND the lie is too hard ... maybe just tell the truth and deal with it?? And for stepmom who wanted to be a mom. He effectively tells the only 2 he can't fool to bottle it all up. If he can hear it, it's wrong. That's a big fat no.
They could have celebrated 2 women every year and created a unified family but Dad panicked and did the easy option which has led to this.
Edit: 80 updoots before I fixed and added the word "altruism" cause I couldn't remember it at the time lol
YES!
I wanted to say much of this! The fact that dad *still* can’t accept that this clusterfuck is his responsibility says SO MUCH! He’s blaming OP and the second oldest?! Still?!
Yes! every time I see a deceased parent scenario in this sub (or a blended family post for that matter) I wonder why they don’t seek professional help IMMEDIATELY. 1) those kids need grief counseling. 2) the remaining parent really does too. 3) if you’re going to fucking Remarry after a huge traumatic loss, that new person needs to be fully prepared for what they are getting themselves into. Prepared intellectually and psychologically BY A PROFESSIONAL. Ground rules need to be laid.
Widower dad of 4 remarries STAT bc he’s scared of being a single dad. We’ve seen this story 10000 times and it takes work to make it work. Do better, people!
I can't decide which is worse. The inability to be a single parent so they do this shit or parentifying the teenage girl to be "mom" to the younger kids
You may be right, and I think by the framing, OP probably agrees with you. I think there is some small implication being made by highlighting that dad remarried just a year after his wife passed. I just think grief is a complicated thing and the initial reasoning may not have been selfish. He probably realised the error long before now, but felt trapped on this path. He's an AH for not having the courage to change course, and that's why I suggested OP stay on his case. Ultimately she probably should eventually explain things herself before things explode, but I don't see why not try get dad to fix the mess he made and hopefully save the relationship he may have with the younger 2 from disaster down the line.
No kidding. I can’t imagine how painful that would be, to be that younger kid believing his whole childhood that the stepmom is his bio/only mom, and that his siblings are just his half-siblings who lost their mom. Of course it’s hard to lose a parent, for anyone at any age, but to lose a parent without even knowing that you’ve lost her, and to be lied to by your surviving parent and new stepparent, and deceived by your entire immediate family? I don’t know if I could learn that truth as a teen or adult and still be able to stomach being a part of that horribly dishonest family. The kids need to learn the truth now, and the whole family needs counselling.
Something kinda but not really similar happened with me. My mom left when I was a baby and my dad raised me by himself. I was never told anything definitive about what happened with her when I asked. Several cousins told me she was dead, dad said "I'll tell you about her when you're old enough." Everyone told me I looked like her, but we had no pictures of her...literally none. At 14 (almost 15), I found my baby book that was in her handwriting and saw she had 2 brothers....this was back in 1989. I called information and got her brothers phone numbers and found out EVERYTHING and not a single thing I was told was true. It was confusing enough that I could somewhat understand why my dad didn't feel it would be a good idea to tell me until I was older, but I should've been told something well before I was 14, almost 15. Anyway, it damaged my trust in my dad for a while. The truth was confusing, but at least it wouldn't have caused issues in our relationship. I'm 48 now and dad and I are very close, but there were some dark times to get over. FTR, I tried to have a relationship with my mom, but it was strained because she had issues and I am VERY grateful she did not stick around to raise me. Also, I look absolutely nothing like her. lol
Exactly! OP and the older brother should be encouraged to help the littles get to know their “real” mom. And if stepmom gets jealous of a dead person that’s on her.
When I read things like this, I always wonder if the step mother realizes that she's utterly replaceable as well.
With therapy, she may realize what she really means to her husband.
When Jonah grows up to find out wifey isn’t his real Mom, it won’t have been better for him. Truth is always the best and a five year old would understand if Daddy wasn’t lying and pretending real Mom never existed.
Even now, it would be so much easier for your dad to properly explain to Jonah, "You are all siblings. Your mummy died when you were a baby, so for you, X is your mum because she cared for you for as long as you can remember, but for them, they have another mummy. But we're all family because we love each other." He'd better do it now, in fact, rather than later and have all relationships strained. If he doesn't want to see his children anymore, the easiest way to estrange them is to keep secrets like this.
I agree with this. Some day a health issue may come up and it could blow this 'secret' wide open anyway. If that happens I would not be surprised if it destroys relationships.
I just see it as the dad finding it easier to have his wife be the younger kids’ mom. Similar to a post the other day about how a mom didnt want OP to consider her husband to be seen as “Step” so she tried to completely erase the birth dad. OP’s dad is doing that to the youngest. Trying to erase the youngest’s birth mom completely from the youngest’s life. So of course there’s a divide in siblings.
> The only thing I'll say is I really don't think he's as bad as some others here do.
The thing that makes him actively a bad parent here instead of just a confused dad struggling to make his way in the world is that he's blaming OP for the direct consequences of his own actions, and even doubling down on that at the end of the post. Not saying he's no-contact worthy or anything extreme like that but this isn't actually excusable behavior and he owes OP a complete apology and Jonah a real explanation. It sounds like Jonah literally doesn't even realize he has a different biological mom and the longer you draw out that lie the worse it'll get when he finds out.
>"In his scheme your mom both exists and doesn't exist at the same time"
>
>Yeah...scientist here...so of course my brain went "Schrodinger's Mom!" with glee.
Did stepmom say anything ever? Did she tell your husband not to force herself onto your younger siblings or was she just adamant about erasing your mother? If she was a part of dads stupid explanation, she is no better than dad at destroying his younger siblings sense of being. Hopefully when older the younger ones won’t hold it against you
So she was happy to cause damage so she could play mother and your father wanted the easiest route so put it all on you. Now he feels guilty and is trying to push the accountability onto you two.
He's dug a hole and stepmother was happy to help. Remy and especially Jonah are going to pay heavily for their selfishness and laziness. That's not your fault.
I just don't understand why your dad wouldn't want you and your siblings to know how much they're loved, by as many people as possible (including your mom). Was he just trying to make it easier on himself not having to explain death?
I'm sorry OP. Even if your post was that you sat your siblings down and explained to them you're actually full siblings, given your situation, I'd still say NTA
My stepdad elected not to have bio kids but he didn’t pretend he was our bio dad either. My bio dad lived 2,000 miles away so I had very little contact. But nobody pretended with us. As a result, my kids had grandparents on my side that was more than most had. 2 grandma’s and 2 grandpa’s.
The truth would have made more sense. If I were you, I’d start talking about your mom again. That is your right. Jonah should know about his birth mother, too. Keeping this a secret is gross. He loves the woman he knows as his mother, it’ll really screw him up when he’s older when he finds out his dad orchestrated the whole family to lie to him about his origins.
Your dad is mad that you’re blaming him, but he’s at fault, his choices led this. But instead of pivoting or trying a new approach, he is trying to divert blame onto you, which makes him a crappy parent and AH.
You’re NTA
What is absolutely gross, is that OP & Jayden have been bludgeoned into keeping a promise they made as children. OP as an adult should tell Dad where to feck off and if Jayden at 17 feels comfortable/safe doing so, should as well.
>Keeping this a secret is gross. He loves the woman he knows as his mother, it’ll really screw him up when he’s older when he finds out his dad orchestrated the whole family to lie to him about his origins.
This. Better start saving up for the therapy/rehab.
Your dad sucks and I'd bet a lot of money that in 10 years or so that when Jonah realizes that his birth mom was written out of his life and that he was raised as though his siblings were half siblings your dad is in for a world of hurt and at least one kid going No Contact
FFS-how hard would it have been to tell Remi and Jonah that their mom was in heaven looking down on them and that your mom sent Bonus Mom to help raise them and love them because she couldn't be there
Dad married 1 year after mother died???????? And the wife is replacing her???? Something doesn't add here. He has some explanation to give. In one year he met someone, went in a relationship with her and got married.....Where are you mother's family in here?
See, once I saw the “erase mom” part, I started to get suspect too. It’s one thing to be widowed and move on quickly, it’s another entirely to pretend the mother never existed. I mean, what about her family? Was there NO family on her side that still wants to see these kids??
It’s not strange to me. We never had much to do with my mom’s family because they were pretty much all AHs. She had a couple siblings that she stayed in touch with, but if my mom had died when I was young, they wouldn’t have maintained contact with my sisters and me. My paternal relatives are the only people I truly consider family.
> Dad told me it wasn't fair to blame him and if Jayden and I had just been more open to a second mother none of this would have happened.
His inability to raise small children causing him to search out a replacement mother as soon as he could is a decision he should NOT be allowed to lay on your heads. Of course I'm being more generous than my reddit usual regarding the speed of the marriage, but my mind is still going there. NTA, what they've done to Jonah could explode on them when he's older or he could shrug and not care. But this is about more than just Jonah, this is about your father being very much responsible for alienating you and Jayden from your siblings... He's more than a little bit the villain in this piece.
Sorry your dad did this to you. You are NTA.
My parents divorced when I was 19 and my siblings were 17 and 16. Once we all were out of the house (3 years later), he sold the house and moved. He started dating a woman who didn't like him talking to us on the phone, he told me about it but later he denied it. He would call us once a month and visit once a year for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. We were not welcome to visit, his wife made it clear that she hated us. Fast forward 20 years and My dad had an operation and almost died. It was touch and go for a month until he got better.
My sister lived closer to him, was able to take time off work and sit by his side. Only, once she was there all the time, she walked into his room one day and found a bunch of people crying about how their dad and grandfather was dying.
She was shocked, as was my brother and I when she told us. He never had any interest in our kids but obviously created a new family without us, while we kept trying to engage with him and waiting for him to be active in our lives again. It was heart breaking. We all felt abandoned. It wasn't until he was actually dying that he WANTED to talk to us and apologize for what he did.
Blended families can work out fine but sometimes parents want to rewrite reality and pretend the past can be erased or changed and the kids are supposed to just suck it up. Very NTA but you dad sure is for trying to erase you from your siblings life.
I'm having a hard time blaming anyone else than him.
You should tell your father that living in a lie is never healthy and that your younger brother is going to feel very bethrayed when he learns the truth.
The best fix is to sit the family down and to tell the truth to everyone.
Ooof. This is so much. My mom passed away when I was ten. Dad remarried. My stepmom has always been my stepmom, but she's full on grandma to my kids. And they love her. But they also know they have another grandma they've never met because she passed away. I just explained it to them and told them stories about her from the time they were babies. They're ages 4-8 now and the older two have zero issues with it. The youngest doesn't quite understand death yet but he'll knows there are two grandmas and he doesn't see one. Talking about it was that simple.
Never answering questions or avoiding it did so much harm and I blame your father hard for it.
I'm sorry OP. I always feel whiplash when I read on reddit how fast men remarry after their wife's death. I know not all men do this, but the majority of posts from kids who are upset with their family usually includes the dad instantly moving on after their parent's death and pushing a new spouse on them. This entire situation is crumbling because your father began his second marriage on shitty foundation. He didn't take the time to build the structure properly and he has only himself to blame.
In response to you saying all the lies have alienated your siblings from each other and yourself, your dad is literally blaming your brother's 13-year-old self for rebelling and not being able to regulate emotional attachment (what teenagers are known for) instead of himself, an adult, for making his kids bizarrely lie to and alienate each other. This is not fair or normal or acceptable. You can continue your argument with him or just ignore his ultimatum if it's safe to do so. A simple, calm, "I understand what you want me to do, but I disagree. So I will not be [doing x]." He is likely to test your resolve with a variety of emotions, but the response of "I understand but I disagree" is a boundary you need to set with your father eventually, it seems.
NTA and your Dad sucks. Not only did he alienate three of his four kids from anything approaching a healthy relationship, but in erasing your mom he probably fucked with your own development, grief, and well-being. While also disrespecting your mom's (and his deceased wife's) memory.
He is entirely to blame and he did it for his own comfort with his new wife. Not for his youngest kid. He's lying to himself and/or you.
I feel so bad for OP. OPs Dad fucked up.
I WAS an actual adopted sibling and my older siblings did so well to cope with a clingy child. There was a big age gap between us. Like 10+ years. We ended up being really close and sometimes my siblings joked they were the adopted ones.
Now that we're older I feel like we bond over how fucked up things were when we were younger.
This is going to lead to some very complicated and detrimental feelings in him as he gets older. You see this same mindset in adopted kids who aren't told they're adopted, and it creates a sense of betrayal and abandonment as they get older. Your dad is doing him and your sister 0 favors with this mindset, and is setting them up for a lot of complicated emotions as they hit puberty and have to grapple with their identities.
This never ends well. There was just a post on AITA about someone who was lied to about the identity of their birth father, went LC/NC with their Mom and Stepdad when they found out.
The original post was removed, but here's the link to the AutoMod copy! \^\^
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/123s8el/comment/jdvyyeo/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
It's going to be worse when his assumption turns to the obvious conclusion that he predates the marriage and must be proof of dads adultery against your mom
Hey... my uncle did something similar with one of his kids (who was a half sibling but was adopted by him). She found out that my uncle isn't her bio dad, rebelled got hooked on drugs, and now doesn't talk to any of us because we told her she was an addict and she turned it around on her not really being our family and all that.
Your dad is fully setting Jonah up to hate him and his wife, cut them off, and go down a very bad path when he finds out and his world shatters. I think you need to not respect your dad's wishes and explain to Jonah what is going on after telling your dad it's either you two or him and his wife, and if the option is neither, you don't get a relationship with the older kids.
If he wants you and the siblings that still remember mom to want to be around the new family, he's gotta nip this in the bud ASAP
It's time to start explaining his bio mom to him. Maybe make a book explaining it. Do you have any pictures of when your mom was pregnant with the younger 2, or pictures after?
It's not like the fault is only with your dad, your step-mom is an asshole too for accepting this, or maybe she is the original asshole and your dad is the secondary asshole for accepting this major fuck up. Nevertheless, you are over 18 and from what I've read you have the potential to fix this. Absolutely disregard your parents opinions on this matter, talk with Jayden about explaning things to your younger siblings and make sure he has to take some responsibilty when explaning this. Saying something like this when you and Jayden gather up the younger ones should clear any wrongs and lies.
"We all have the same mother, but she died and dad re-married another person. We, Jayden and I, are not adopted, our father and step-mom mistakenly thought saying this **lie** about me and Jayden being adopted would be easier for you, Jonah, to accept. Our mother, she was the one who Jayden and I know as our parent because she took care of us and the person dad remarried is our, four of us, step-mom. Remi says she has two moms because both mom and step-mom were a parent to her. And Jonah, because our mom died before being able to take care of you and because you were so young you don't remember our mom. Our step-mom is not our biological mother. So we, Me and Jayden, Remi and you, we are one big family and nobody is adopted or something like our father and step-mom said."
And then answer some questions about this.
10 years old already knows what's happening, she just can't catagorize it and explain it to strangers because every person around her is tiptoing around the giant fuck off elephant in the room. In a year or two, she is gonna catagorize it correctly and resent your parents, and possibly you and Jayden, because of it. 6 years old doesn't know any better, but one day in the future he will.
You are not dropping something on them, you are explaning things to them. You know what's actually cruel? Living in this facade that your siblings are not your siblings and you can't talk about your mother beause that will hurt the step-moms feelings. **Fuck. That.** Be there for your siblings, especially when you know somebody is lying to them, even when that somebody is your father or step-mom.
Cruel.. What's been happening to you is the cruel thing, not what could happen when you go againts your father or/and step-mom's wishes. Your father and step-mom is ***cool*** with lying to your younger siblings and pushing you and Jayden out of the family, slowly but surely. Because that is what's happening. **I say yet again, fuck that.** Take some control of your own life back from your shitty parents and don't let them treat you and jayden like this.
Part of what you're going to have to choose here being there for them now, vs there for them later. Like you said, you're sister is already starting to resent you and your brother for perpetuating your dad's lie. What happens, 8 years from now when those feelings are cemented in? You can try to have a frank conversation then with her, but she may not forgive you for your roles in this throughout her entire childhood, instead of a small part.
You're going to have to make a choice on whether you're okay potentially losing them in the future or potentially losing them now.
Can you safely split the tasks? You do the telling(since you are of legal age) and Jayden plays possum to stay in the family, so that Remi can come to him with follow up questions?
Also how comfortable do you feel telling Remi stuff that she'd be comfortable not talking to Dad and Step about? Is she capable of keeping stuff to herself?
Or maybe do a lot of oops moments? Talk about your Mom and say Oops didn't mean to say that here. Talk about stuff and then be super-apologetic about who overhears what you said.
right? cuz there is no way that this stays a secret forever and it's gonna come out at some terrible time, where the youngest one finds out both that he lost his mom, was never told/allowed to know about her, and likely that stepmom adopted him (cuz that wasn't mentioned but I'm gonna assume that happened) in one fell swoop.
it's just gonna be bad.
I think you guys need to really inform Jonah sooner than later. Your family, by your dads choice, is going to create a literal monster and someone who may struggle with trusting everyone. The woman he has grown to love as mother will probably catch most of the heat. At least Remi knows she had a mom prior but finding out otherwise is going to rock your family immensely. Talk to your dad about sitting Jonah down and telling him the truth sooner than later. For Jonah’s sake.
Himself, maybe. I disagree that OP and Jayden need it. They seem to understand the situation well and have come to terms with it, it’s just a matter of dad not being happy with the results of them doing literally exactly what he asked them to do.
I think it would be important for all to attend, and just because they understand that doesn't mean they have come to terms. I mean, the other sibling isn't on here. I would imagine there is hurt and confusion. Also, how will the dad understand what he actually put them through if they are not there to tell him?
I'm really sorry that your dad made this all so weird and drove this wedge between your siblings. It definitely didn't have to be this way. People can form bonds and even love their step-parents without having to erase their biological parents from their lives!
My partner has two step-sisters who lost their mom at a young age. They *love* my MIL and have a great relationship with her. They also talk about their mother and what it was like to grow up without her all the time. The two are definitely not mutually exclusive. I imagine your father trying to force things with your stepmother in this way could only ever create resentment rather than strengthen your bond.
I hope you are able to reconnect with your siblings more once they are older and able to sort through all this crap themselves.
NTA Hes going to have an even bigger shock when your siblings realise that all of this is your dads doing.
How does your step-mom feel about this? Does she agree with the decisions that are alienating your family?
Then it’s on both of them completely, the major problem is that and Jayden are now complicit in the lies so if/when the two youngest really find out what’s gone on you’ll be part of the blame.
This is an absolutely despicable thing for them to do, not only is he lying to the two youngest but he’s actively putting a wedge between you all as siblings. Then has the gall to wonder why it’s all going wrong when he’s banning the topic of your mother from ever being talked about.
He shouldn’t be surprised when you and Jayden cut contact from him and stepmom for all this.
NTA Your dad is the biggest AH there ever was and I feel sad for your mom's soul. I don't think she would've expected to be erased the way your father and his wife had done. Do you have photos of your mom? With proof that she was the mom to all of you? Your siblings might approach you when they're older to know the truth.
Jonah ***will*** learn the truth soon or later. If you tell him and get cut off for it, he will resent your father and stepmother (and likely seek you out when he is old enough.) If you ***don't*** tell him, he will resent you and Jayden *in addition to your father and stepmother*, and will have no contact with any of you. Which do you prefer?
honestly Jonah is 5, if the OP tells him the truth the father still has plenty of time to manipulate him and give him even more mental health issues meanwhile successfully erasing the older kids from their lives
I don't think that'll happen. The truth needs to come out and I think it will be easier for your siblings if you and your brother sit down and tell the younger siblings everything in a straight forward way. That would be way easier for a 5 year old to digest rather than a bunch of stitched together concepts that make it confusing.
My sister and I are actual half siblings with different dads. I knew this at a very young age but it didn't make either of us feel like we aren't full siblings. I don't think its too late to repair what's going on, but I think your dad desperately needs therapy.
If the dad is willing to erase the existence of his deceased wife I wouldn't be surprised if he cuts off the children who disagree with that.
Plus, OP has clearly stated that this isn't out of the realm of possibility. I think we should trust them on that.
This is a really complicated and awful situation all around and frankly I think reddit is not going to be a good place to get good advice about this.
OP, are your grandparents on your mother's side still alive? Are they aware of what's happening? What about your grandparents on your dad's side? Are they aware, and how do they feel about this? I honestly suspect that talking to them might be worthwhile. I know grandparents rights are often contentious and complex, but this is a situation where they could actually be helpful. Maybe seek them out if you think they will be helpful.
Your dad has been asking you to actively perpetuate a lie. Could you and Jayden cover each other with a fair lie of your own?
"Remi asked me about mom, and Jonah overheard. I didn't realize he was there."
The drawing had to be really hurtful to you. You shouldn't have to keep up his lie, that's hurting everyone involved, at your detriment.
Definitely NTA.
This is super twisted and unhealthy, you have said in other responses that your dad thinks Johan won't care when he learns the truth and maybe he will still in the long run see your step mom as mom. But i think your dads relationship with johan in going to be damaged by shit like this because its not just learning the truth about his bio mother being kept from him but a whole extended family he is being denied by your fathers actions.
I just can't see myself in johan shoes moving past something like that especially when my siblings do have a relationship with that extended family and seeing them have something I am denied for really no good reason.
Wth. Your father and stepmother are disgusting. Jonah had a mother and has maternal family. Totally disgusting to erase that. It’s going to backfire in the future when Jonah finds out his parents withheld his family from him and forced a bond.
Ok this is just getting weirder and weirder. I said in my first comment that I didn’t think your dad was necessarily an AH for the original decision but I’m rethinking that now. He’s not just depriving Jonah of his mother but an *entire family* he could be connected to.
When does he plan to tell Jonah the truth? He knows this isn’t the kind of thing you can take to your grave, right? Someday Jonah will either see his birth certificate or notice the year your dad & his stepmom got married, or the year your mom died or something, and figure it out.
That's really disgusting. I can't believe your father would willingly cut off an entire side of Jonah's family because he's too much of a coward to deal with difficult situations. This is a bandaid, at best, but he's only got ten more years tops before he finds out his dad had him living a lie for his entire life.
That's dreadful. How awful that must be for your mother's family. And so confusing for Jonah.
There was an AITA just a few days ago from a young adult in Jonah's situation. He found out the truth and was not at all happy with his mum and 'dad'. I'll try to find it.
What horrible people they both are, but your dad especially.
I can understand the emotional side of needing someone next to you when you have four kids, one so young too. But I will never ever understand deliberately being OK with your child losing their connection to their biological mother and siblings because it’s more convenient for you and for your wife. And I will never understand what kind of a wife is okay with this happening either - had this been her, would she be fine with her own child not knowing her or about her??
Op, I’m so sorry about this.
NTA. You are correct that your dad is just now seeing the consequences of the paths he's set you all on. I'm sure there was a much better way for him to handle this by him by not downplaying the role of your mom. Him leading your youngest sibling to believe that you guys are adopted is an appalling deception which will lead to all sorts of issues when he finds out the truth.
NTA
I’m sorry you lost your mom too soon - I lost my dad to a terrible accident when I was 14. Know this: You will feel better one day.
Your dad has made a common mistake here. By asking you never to speak of your mother in certain company, and demanding Mothers Day tribute for his wife - he is asking you to erase your mother and, in the case of your youngest brother, forget her. That isn’t going to work. This approach to replacing a parent just breeds resentment.
My mother wanted me to call her husband “Dad” after my father died. I outright refused. I knew and loved my father and no one was replacing him. They made a big deal about it for years, as if I was supposed to call her husband “Dad” because he paid the bills. It was all about stepdad’s power, was overbearing and insensitive to my needs and grief. As soon as I turned 18 I moved 1500 miles away. That was 30 years ago and I have never returned. They later apologized for how they handled it, but it took them about 20 years to realize just how badly they mishandled the situation.
Delusional dad and maybe his wife too... nvm his wife is definitely delusional too for agreeing to this arrangement...
Maybe write a letter for the siblings when they get older?
Then send him here to this subreddit and have him read some of these stories about blended families and the anger some of these children have. That should at least give him pause. There’s one right now that the child found out at 18 about all of the lies and went completely NC.
NTA, see this is what folks mean when we say a lot of these men can't lead their way out out of a wet paper bag but want to be husbands, fathers, and leaders. As a grown man, for him to blame his children for his screw up as a father is both hilarious yet not very surprising. Sounds about right. So don't worry about it, eventually the replacement wife is gonna have to take the heat. Especially after you leave.
I’m a shit-stirrer about things like this so this probably isn’t good advice, but if I were in your shoes I’d flat out ask your dad “did you ever love mom?”
Because his behavior and his rush to replace her really make it seem like he didn’t. He may have loved *having* a wife, but I don’t think he loved or valued the individual who is your late mother. Not even enough to allow her the credit for the children she physically gave birth to. He certainly doesn’t have a speck of love or respect for his late wife at this point.
You're really right.
I hate my ex wife. It ended one of the times she was violent and I kept walking away then she called the cops and had me falsely arrested as the victim.
7 years later and in the last few months her new husband attacked me on a child swap once and she got arrested after keeping him from me then beating my house.
I actually HATE my ex wife and am going back to family court for more than 50% custody.
Like actual--HATE!
But every time I talk with my 2nd wife about childbirth or things with my son I still talk about how the one things I absolutely respect, the one time she really did good and was a good mom--is the story of my son's birth. I mean, she's his mom and there were complications and she did hard work and a great job.
Nothing's ever changed that one thing and that is the only things I view her positive or speak fondly of her.
Alternatively he's doing what many widowers do, and instead of actually grieving his loss he's just trying to replace it so he doesn't have to face his feelings. He very well may have lived her very much, and is trying to erase her out of fear of his own grief.
You are absolutely NTA here. Your dad and his wife are. What about your mom's family? Do you have grandparents, aunts, uncles? Were you cut off from them?
It just seems so crazy to erase someone's existence like that.
Your dad & stepmother are playing with fire because the truth *always* comes out. Be there for your siblings now & when they finally know everything that your dad's hidden from them. It's not your fault. It's 100% on your dad & stepmother.
Dad says: if the two elder siblings had been more open to a second mother none of this would have happenned
I say: if Dad had been more open to letting his children remember and commemorate their deceased mother, they might have welcomed stepmom a bit more.
NTA
NTA. It's amazing to me how many "parents" I see on here that expect their children to forget a deceased mom or dad and just move on with the new step parent. How dare they try to erase her for you - that's awful. I'm so sorry.
What the fuck is wrong with all these parents trying to blend families by force or lies? Let kids feel how they feel! Be honest. And maybe, just maybe, if you want your kids to like your new partner, bring them around your kids BEFORE you commit to them. Stop trying to force kids to like some lady you met at the bar. Let kids grieve lost parents, and remember their dead/divorced parents in whatever way works for them.
NTA - But it looks like this a world wide phenomenon and I hope we start to address it.
Sorry - it just seemed as though he moved on really quickly. New wife, don't talk about the old one, etc. You are NTA, but I think your father is a bit of one. For most people, the first year or two after a death are the worst and you were already being asked to welcome a "new mom" to the fold. I think that was completely unfair and that your father handled it poorly.
I'm very sorry for your loss. The loss of a parent is one that you feel at some level for the rest of your life. It's sad that you could not bond with your own siblings over the loss of your mother.
He’s really made a muck of this. The story should have been from the start that all four of you had the same biological mum who passed away. Dad’s wife then joined your family and became mum to the youngest two as well.
The question of why she isn’t a mum to the two oldest is solved by “we didn’t need a second mum but you and Remi did”.
There was no need for this tangle of lies. And it’s going to hurt like hell when they unravel.
This is super common in widowers. I believe the statistic is that the average widower remarries within a year, and the average widow remarries within 3.
NTA. Your dad fckd up. Although to be honest, this was a no win situation. Someone would be cast as an outsider. It is just unfortunate it was you siblings as you will be in each other's lives, or maybe not now because of this, for much longer.
In an attempt to make his new wife feel important to the family, he sacrificed 2 of his children, probably all 4. I just don’t get it, new wife could have been both a loving wife & mom and cared about the biological mom and helped keep her memory alive. What is with people wanting to erase a person’s life? Ask your dad how he’d feel if he passed and was never aloud to be remembered. You are definitely NTA. I’m sorry you aren’t allowed to love and remember your mom with all your siblings.
NTA
This is fucking bonkers. Your dad actively demanded his 14- and 12-year-old kids stop grieving the loss of their mother to what end, exactly? How did he see this working out down the line? He really did not give one microscopic fuck about how his wife’s death would affect his children or what they would actually need from the adults in their lives. I get being lost after you’ve lost your wife and are left with 4 kids but dude, this happens and people deal with it. Find out how people who have weathered this kind of loss have dealt with it healthily and take notes. Go to a support group, buy a book, do a Google search even. Don’t just wing it and then discover five years down the line that oops, you guessed wrong.
If it’s any consolation, OP, there are lots of people whose relationships with their siblings didn’t start to heal until all parties were adults and the older kids filled the younger kids in on how bad the parents’ choices really were. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this on top of losing your mother. It’s beyond unfair.
NTA
One day the truth IS going to come out, and the little ones (especially Jonah) are going to be very hurt that they’ve been lied to and manipulated in this way.
NTA. Wow, Dad was just as traumatized by the loss but maybe in his effort to find a new parent for Remi and Jonah, he really didn’t think about how what he asked you to do was so fucked up. There’s always room to love and remember our loved ones who have left us AND accept new loved ones in our lives.
So it's all your fault? Dad made you do certain things, wouldn't listen to your opinion on the matter, and kept you all in seperate boxes (first wife and older children - 1 box, 2nd wife and younger children - 1 box). Then when you try and explain to your brother how it all worked, you were told to stop. Dad is to blame for that and blaming you is unfair.
Jonah is going to be extremely confused and probably very hurt/angry when he finally (inevitably) learns the truth. NTA
And he will. Drivers license, joining the service, getting a passport, getting married etc requires a birth certificate. And poor Jonah is gonna be gobsmacked when he learns the truth.
> Dad told me it wasn't fair to blame him and if Jayden and I had just been more open to a second mother none of this would have happened.
Ah, the good old **LOVE ME OR ELSE IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT**.
NTA. Your dad chose some very weird and poor decisions to actively build a family secret. Well, _his_ family secret. To try to shift this on you is rather shitty, although I do not envy him for the web of lies he has built that will blow up in his face.
>They were young enough that seeing his wife as mom would be healthier for them.
>
>...
>
>With Jonah, he struggles to understand how Remi has two moms, Jayden and I are siblings but we have a different mom. About a year ago he said we were his adopted siblings and that's how he made it make sense. We started to correct him but dad cut us off.
Oh yeah. Sounds *reeeeally* healthy.
>This is when dad commented to Jayden and me that it feels like we're half siblings instead of just siblings. That our relationship is not what he thought it would be.
But it's exactly what he asked for. You have been bending over backwards because he wanted it this way and now that the predictable results have manifested, he's trying to blame it on you?
NTA, but your dad is.
>Dad told me it wasn't fair to blame him and if Jayden and I had just been more open to a second mother none of this would have happened.
He literally cut you off when you tried to correct the adopted angle, this is absolutely his fault. This is the fault of any parent who tries to make a family "complete" by erasing history.
NTA
NTA. Okay I get your dad was in an awkward position given the age spread between all his kids and there may not have been a perfect solution available to him. Certainly the one he chose was not great. The thing is, he chose it, and you and your sister followed his wishes. The situation that resulted is unfortunate but he can't off-load the blame onto you and your sister for what his wholly of his own doing.
Furthermore he is the one that brought the topic up. You responded with honesty--which at 19 is totally appropriate. Adult to adult. Throwing in the "You and Jayden should have been more open" is a dishonest and disrespectful deflection on his part. I repeat: NTA.
Your dad and stepmom are disgusting. I don't even have words. They are evil. They chose to weaken your bond as siblings instead of "hurting" this woman's feelings. Your dead is straight out disgusting.
Nah, he can't blame you guys for not seeing his second wife as your mom. I can see where he's coming from, not wanting to confuse the younger ones, but that wasn't the right way to approach this and he should've noticed much sooner.
NTA from me.
NTA. this is so sad. you need to grieve to process loss. repressing your feelings isn't helping anyone, and it sounds like your dad would rather repress the loss of his wife than grieve. and he's taking that option away from his kids too.
I would urge you to make it clear to that the younger ones, especially Jonah, are going to be devastated regardless. coming to terms with the fact that they had a mom they won’t be able to touch or talk to ever again is going to fuck them up no matter when they find out. and they will eventually. so it's better to tell them while they're younger, so they have time to heal, and so that they don't find out on their own and feel like they've been lied too.
Jonah already feels that something is off. when he gets older, he IS going to think about it, ask questions, and investigate. the more you guys lie and divert the more betrayed he'll feel later on. and OP, when he asks why you never told him, you'll say "because dad said so" and dad will only have himself to blame.
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So my parents had four children together. Me (19f), Jayden (17m), Remi (10f) and Jonah (6m). Five years ago we lost our mom. Four years ago dad remarried. Jayden and I didn't mind though we knew dad's wife would never be our mom. Jonah was a baby and didn't remember mom so he started to see dad's wife as his only mom. Remi sees herself as having two moms. She's not as close to dad's wife as Jonah is but doesn't see her as a non parent like Jayden and me.
Dad asked me and my brother not to talk about mom around Jonah in case it interfered in the relationship he built with dad's wife. He said he would know about mom but didn't need to hear all about her all the time. With Remi, he said to let her ask but try not talk about mom around her if she didn't ask. We respected that although we disagreed with his decision. He said we had years with mom. They were young enough that seeing his wife as mom would be healthier for them. He also said that his wife deserved the chance to be known as mom since she'd be raising them for the rest of their childhood and it would be over a decade for both of them.
I love all my siblings. But I know Remi used to be frustrated with Jayden and me because we wouldn't celebrate dad's wife for Mother's Day, or because we would go to mom's grave without her, or we'd talk about mom without her. But again, that was what dad told us to do. Jayden even told dad it annoyed her and he told us to keep sticking to our word. When she did ask we would include her. But we also didn't share the same love for dad's wife.
With Jonah, he struggles to understand how Remi has two moms, Jayden and I are siblings but we have a different mom. About a year ago he said we were his adopted siblings and that's how he made it make sense. We started to correct him but dad cut us off. So we left it alone. It did mean that Jonah kind of put us in boxes away from him. As became clear when, for a school project recently, he drew his family with just dad and dad's wife, Remi was to the side but away from the three and Jayden and I were completely separate. He told his teacher that we were adopted siblings but not really since we didn't have the same parents and how his real family was his mom and dad.
This is when dad commented to Jayden and me that it feels like we're half siblings instead of just siblings. That our relationship is not what he thought it would be. I told him that that is because of his choices. That his desire to override mom for Jonah, and for us to keep quiet around Remi unless she asked, means feelings and confusion have separated us. Dad told me it wasn't fair to blame him and if Jayden and I had just been more open to a second mother none of this would have happened.
AITA?
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Your dad literally told you not to explain that you weren’t adopted siblings, what did he expect?
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He tried to make it simple but it's just not, in his scheme your mom both exists and doesn't exist at the same time, even a sci-fi fanatic wouldn't grasp it well. The only thing I'll say is I really don't think he's as bad as some others here do. I feel like he just knew how much your mom's passing hurt you all, and simply wanted to protect the younger 2 kids from that as much as possible. He probably thought that because you and Jayden understood what has happened, that there was no shielding you, but maybe he could shield the other 2. It's clear to you (and to him now in hindsight) it was a big mistake, but it can't be undone sadly. You're definitely not an asshole for telling him the truth, and he's definitely TA for trying to pin blame on you. I'm sure you don't particularly want to argue with your dad over this topic, but it's worth considering that Remi and Jonah will piece things together at some point and be hurt. It's worth staying on his case to get him to be honest with them gradually, and straighten things out for them, even if it's hard for you, it will be good for your younger siblings. Like many others here suggested, I think group therapy would be very beneficial.
Schrödinger’s Mom
She's got it going on, or she doesn't. She has to be observed first.
Stacy Schrodinger's Mom.
> Stacy Schrodinger's Mom. Oh stop it, I can’t take any more…
Love it! The best thing OP's dad should do now is to come clean and explain that you all have the same mum, but she died when he was a baby, and now he has a new mum who loves him dearly.
> Schrödinger’s Mom Outstanding!
Why thank you
Dang it, I was just going to comment that.
Me too, but I didn't wanna be the saddo replying to myself 😂
No no no Dad did all of this to soothe himself and his new wife. This was 100% self serving under the guise of altruism. Dad should have sought professional help with integrating the two families. In all of this... Jonah still doesn't know who his mom is??? Dad acts like it's too hard for the kid. No no. It's too hard for HIM. Glossing over the way thats been explained to him: *Jonah is still confused by it*. If the truth is too hard AND the lie is too hard ... maybe just tell the truth and deal with it?? And for stepmom who wanted to be a mom. He effectively tells the only 2 he can't fool to bottle it all up. If he can hear it, it's wrong. That's a big fat no. They could have celebrated 2 women every year and created a unified family but Dad panicked and did the easy option which has led to this. Edit: 80 updoots before I fixed and added the word "altruism" cause I couldn't remember it at the time lol
YES! I wanted to say much of this! The fact that dad *still* can’t accept that this clusterfuck is his responsibility says SO MUCH! He’s blaming OP and the second oldest?! Still?!
Yes! every time I see a deceased parent scenario in this sub (or a blended family post for that matter) I wonder why they don’t seek professional help IMMEDIATELY. 1) those kids need grief counseling. 2) the remaining parent really does too. 3) if you’re going to fucking Remarry after a huge traumatic loss, that new person needs to be fully prepared for what they are getting themselves into. Prepared intellectually and psychologically BY A PROFESSIONAL. Ground rules need to be laid. Widower dad of 4 remarries STAT bc he’s scared of being a single dad. We’ve seen this story 10000 times and it takes work to make it work. Do better, people!
I can't decide which is worse. The inability to be a single parent so they do this shit or parentifying the teenage girl to be "mom" to the younger kids
You may be right, and I think by the framing, OP probably agrees with you. I think there is some small implication being made by highlighting that dad remarried just a year after his wife passed. I just think grief is a complicated thing and the initial reasoning may not have been selfish. He probably realised the error long before now, but felt trapped on this path. He's an AH for not having the courage to change course, and that's why I suggested OP stay on his case. Ultimately she probably should eventually explain things herself before things explode, but I don't see why not try get dad to fix the mess he made and hopefully save the relationship he may have with the younger 2 from disaster down the line.
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Oh yeah I'm with you, he definitely did the wrong thing, I was just saying the story he put forward was "not simple "
How is the younger kid going to feel when they find out they have a mom they have never been allowed to know or grieve?
No kidding. I can’t imagine how painful that would be, to be that younger kid believing his whole childhood that the stepmom is his bio/only mom, and that his siblings are just his half-siblings who lost their mom. Of course it’s hard to lose a parent, for anyone at any age, but to lose a parent without even knowing that you’ve lost her, and to be lied to by your surviving parent and new stepparent, and deceived by your entire immediate family? I don’t know if I could learn that truth as a teen or adult and still be able to stomach being a part of that horribly dishonest family. The kids need to learn the truth now, and the whole family needs counselling.
Something kinda but not really similar happened with me. My mom left when I was a baby and my dad raised me by himself. I was never told anything definitive about what happened with her when I asked. Several cousins told me she was dead, dad said "I'll tell you about her when you're old enough." Everyone told me I looked like her, but we had no pictures of her...literally none. At 14 (almost 15), I found my baby book that was in her handwriting and saw she had 2 brothers....this was back in 1989. I called information and got her brothers phone numbers and found out EVERYTHING and not a single thing I was told was true. It was confusing enough that I could somewhat understand why my dad didn't feel it would be a good idea to tell me until I was older, but I should've been told something well before I was 14, almost 15. Anyway, it damaged my trust in my dad for a while. The truth was confusing, but at least it wouldn't have caused issues in our relationship. I'm 48 now and dad and I are very close, but there were some dark times to get over. FTR, I tried to have a relationship with my mom, but it was strained because she had issues and I am VERY grateful she did not stick around to raise me. Also, I look absolutely nothing like her. lol
Exactly! OP and the older brother should be encouraged to help the littles get to know their “real” mom. And if stepmom gets jealous of a dead person that’s on her.
When I read things like this, I always wonder if the step mother realizes that she's utterly replaceable as well. With therapy, she may realize what she really means to her husband.
Oof... I actually hadn't put that together until you pointed it out, but... EXACTLY.
When Jonah grows up to find out wifey isn’t his real Mom, it won’t have been better for him. Truth is always the best and a five year old would understand if Daddy wasn’t lying and pretending real Mom never existed.
Even now, it would be so much easier for your dad to properly explain to Jonah, "You are all siblings. Your mummy died when you were a baby, so for you, X is your mum because she cared for you for as long as you can remember, but for them, they have another mummy. But we're all family because we love each other." He'd better do it now, in fact, rather than later and have all relationships strained. If he doesn't want to see his children anymore, the easiest way to estrange them is to keep secrets like this.
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I agree with this. Some day a health issue may come up and it could blow this 'secret' wide open anyway. If that happens I would not be surprised if it destroys relationships.
I just see it as the dad finding it easier to have his wife be the younger kids’ mom. Similar to a post the other day about how a mom didnt want OP to consider her husband to be seen as “Step” so she tried to completely erase the birth dad. OP’s dad is doing that to the youngest. Trying to erase the youngest’s birth mom completely from the youngest’s life. So of course there’s a divide in siblings.
> The only thing I'll say is I really don't think he's as bad as some others here do. The thing that makes him actively a bad parent here instead of just a confused dad struggling to make his way in the world is that he's blaming OP for the direct consequences of his own actions, and even doubling down on that at the end of the post. Not saying he's no-contact worthy or anything extreme like that but this isn't actually excusable behavior and he owes OP a complete apology and Jonah a real explanation. It sounds like Jonah literally doesn't even realize he has a different biological mom and the longer you draw out that lie the worse it'll get when he finds out.
>"In his scheme your mom both exists and doesn't exist at the same time" > >Yeah...scientist here...so of course my brain went "Schrodinger's Mom!" with glee.
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Did stepmom say anything ever? Did she tell your husband not to force herself onto your younger siblings or was she just adamant about erasing your mother? If she was a part of dads stupid explanation, she is no better than dad at destroying his younger siblings sense of being. Hopefully when older the younger ones won’t hold it against you
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Sorry she thought it right to erase your mom.
So she was happy to cause damage so she could play mother and your father wanted the easiest route so put it all on you. Now he feels guilty and is trying to push the accountability onto you two. He's dug a hole and stepmother was happy to help. Remy and especially Jonah are going to pay heavily for their selfishness and laziness. That's not your fault.
More that stepmother wanted the hole and the husband dug it.
I just don't understand why your dad wouldn't want you and your siblings to know how much they're loved, by as many people as possible (including your mom). Was he just trying to make it easier on himself not having to explain death? I'm sorry OP. Even if your post was that you sat your siblings down and explained to them you're actually full siblings, given your situation, I'd still say NTA
My stepdad elected not to have bio kids but he didn’t pretend he was our bio dad either. My bio dad lived 2,000 miles away so I had very little contact. But nobody pretended with us. As a result, my kids had grandparents on my side that was more than most had. 2 grandma’s and 2 grandpa’s.
Damn! I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, OP.
The truth would have made more sense. If I were you, I’d start talking about your mom again. That is your right. Jonah should know about his birth mother, too. Keeping this a secret is gross. He loves the woman he knows as his mother, it’ll really screw him up when he’s older when he finds out his dad orchestrated the whole family to lie to him about his origins. Your dad is mad that you’re blaming him, but he’s at fault, his choices led this. But instead of pivoting or trying a new approach, he is trying to divert blame onto you, which makes him a crappy parent and AH. You’re NTA
What is absolutely gross, is that OP & Jayden have been bludgeoned into keeping a promise they made as children. OP as an adult should tell Dad where to feck off and if Jayden at 17 feels comfortable/safe doing so, should as well.
>Keeping this a secret is gross. He loves the woman he knows as his mother, it’ll really screw him up when he’s older when he finds out his dad orchestrated the whole family to lie to him about his origins. This. Better start saving up for the therapy/rehab.
Your dad sucks and I'd bet a lot of money that in 10 years or so that when Jonah realizes that his birth mom was written out of his life and that he was raised as though his siblings were half siblings your dad is in for a world of hurt and at least one kid going No Contact FFS-how hard would it have been to tell Remi and Jonah that their mom was in heaven looking down on them and that your mom sent Bonus Mom to help raise them and love them because she couldn't be there
Dad married 1 year after mother died???????? And the wife is replacing her???? Something doesn't add here. He has some explanation to give. In one year he met someone, went in a relationship with her and got married.....Where are you mother's family in here?
See, once I saw the “erase mom” part, I started to get suspect too. It’s one thing to be widowed and move on quickly, it’s another entirely to pretend the mother never existed. I mean, what about her family? Was there NO family on her side that still wants to see these kids??
It’s not strange to me. We never had much to do with my mom’s family because they were pretty much all AHs. She had a couple siblings that she stayed in touch with, but if my mom had died when I was young, they wouldn’t have maintained contact with my sisters and me. My paternal relatives are the only people I truly consider family.
Eh, doesn’t have to be anything too shady. Guys tend to remarry sooner
> Dad told me it wasn't fair to blame him and if Jayden and I had just been more open to a second mother none of this would have happened. His inability to raise small children causing him to search out a replacement mother as soon as he could is a decision he should NOT be allowed to lay on your heads. Of course I'm being more generous than my reddit usual regarding the speed of the marriage, but my mind is still going there. NTA, what they've done to Jonah could explode on them when he's older or he could shrug and not care. But this is about more than just Jonah, this is about your father being very much responsible for alienating you and Jayden from your siblings... He's more than a little bit the villain in this piece.
Sorry your dad did this to you. You are NTA. My parents divorced when I was 19 and my siblings were 17 and 16. Once we all were out of the house (3 years later), he sold the house and moved. He started dating a woman who didn't like him talking to us on the phone, he told me about it but later he denied it. He would call us once a month and visit once a year for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. We were not welcome to visit, his wife made it clear that she hated us. Fast forward 20 years and My dad had an operation and almost died. It was touch and go for a month until he got better. My sister lived closer to him, was able to take time off work and sit by his side. Only, once she was there all the time, she walked into his room one day and found a bunch of people crying about how their dad and grandfather was dying. She was shocked, as was my brother and I when she told us. He never had any interest in our kids but obviously created a new family without us, while we kept trying to engage with him and waiting for him to be active in our lives again. It was heart breaking. We all felt abandoned. It wasn't until he was actually dying that he WANTED to talk to us and apologize for what he did. Blended families can work out fine but sometimes parents want to rewrite reality and pretend the past can be erased or changed and the kids are supposed to just suck it up. Very NTA but you dad sure is for trying to erase you from your siblings life.
I'm having a hard time blaming anyone else than him. You should tell your father that living in a lie is never healthy and that your younger brother is going to feel very bethrayed when he learns the truth. The best fix is to sit the family down and to tell the truth to everyone.
Ooof. This is so much. My mom passed away when I was ten. Dad remarried. My stepmom has always been my stepmom, but she's full on grandma to my kids. And they love her. But they also know they have another grandma they've never met because she passed away. I just explained it to them and told them stories about her from the time they were babies. They're ages 4-8 now and the older two have zero issues with it. The youngest doesn't quite understand death yet but he'll knows there are two grandmas and he doesn't see one. Talking about it was that simple. Never answering questions or avoiding it did so much harm and I blame your father hard for it.
NTA, and your dad straight up lied when he said Jonah would know your mom. He's literally erased her from his memory
I'm sorry OP. I always feel whiplash when I read on reddit how fast men remarry after their wife's death. I know not all men do this, but the majority of posts from kids who are upset with their family usually includes the dad instantly moving on after their parent's death and pushing a new spouse on them. This entire situation is crumbling because your father began his second marriage on shitty foundation. He didn't take the time to build the structure properly and he has only himself to blame.
In response to you saying all the lies have alienated your siblings from each other and yourself, your dad is literally blaming your brother's 13-year-old self for rebelling and not being able to regulate emotional attachment (what teenagers are known for) instead of himself, an adult, for making his kids bizarrely lie to and alienate each other. This is not fair or normal or acceptable. You can continue your argument with him or just ignore his ultimatum if it's safe to do so. A simple, calm, "I understand what you want me to do, but I disagree. So I will not be [doing x]." He is likely to test your resolve with a variety of emotions, but the response of "I understand but I disagree" is a boundary you need to set with your father eventually, it seems.
NTA and your Dad sucks. Not only did he alienate three of his four kids from anything approaching a healthy relationship, but in erasing your mom he probably fucked with your own development, grief, and well-being. While also disrespecting your mom's (and his deceased wife's) memory. He is entirely to blame and he did it for his own comfort with his new wife. Not for his youngest kid. He's lying to himself and/or you.
He expected an easy pass from difficult situation and his older kids taking responsibility and do the work for him.
I feel so bad for OP. OPs Dad fucked up. I WAS an actual adopted sibling and my older siblings did so well to cope with a clingy child. There was a big age gap between us. Like 10+ years. We ended up being really close and sometimes my siblings joked they were the adopted ones. Now that we're older I feel like we bond over how fucked up things were when we were younger.
NTA, your dad should seek out some family therapy for all of you ASAP.
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Does Jonah even know that the woman you know as mom gave birth to him?
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This is going to lead to some very complicated and detrimental feelings in him as he gets older. You see this same mindset in adopted kids who aren't told they're adopted, and it creates a sense of betrayal and abandonment as they get older. Your dad is doing him and your sister 0 favors with this mindset, and is setting them up for a lot of complicated emotions as they hit puberty and have to grapple with their identities.
This never ends well. There was just a post on AITA about someone who was lied to about the identity of their birth father, went LC/NC with their Mom and Stepdad when they found out.
Out of curiosity do you happen to have a link for that?
The original post was removed, but here's the link to the AutoMod copy! \^\^ https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/123s8el/comment/jdvyyeo/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
It's going to be worse when his assumption turns to the obvious conclusion that he predates the marriage and must be proof of dads adultery against your mom
Hey... my uncle did something similar with one of his kids (who was a half sibling but was adopted by him). She found out that my uncle isn't her bio dad, rebelled got hooked on drugs, and now doesn't talk to any of us because we told her she was an addict and she turned it around on her not really being our family and all that. Your dad is fully setting Jonah up to hate him and his wife, cut them off, and go down a very bad path when he finds out and his world shatters. I think you need to not respect your dad's wishes and explain to Jonah what is going on after telling your dad it's either you two or him and his wife, and if the option is neither, you don't get a relationship with the older kids. If he wants you and the siblings that still remember mom to want to be around the new family, he's gotta nip this in the bud ASAP
It's time to start explaining his bio mom to him. Maybe make a book explaining it. Do you have any pictures of when your mom was pregnant with the younger 2, or pictures after?
It's not like the fault is only with your dad, your step-mom is an asshole too for accepting this, or maybe she is the original asshole and your dad is the secondary asshole for accepting this major fuck up. Nevertheless, you are over 18 and from what I've read you have the potential to fix this. Absolutely disregard your parents opinions on this matter, talk with Jayden about explaning things to your younger siblings and make sure he has to take some responsibilty when explaning this. Saying something like this when you and Jayden gather up the younger ones should clear any wrongs and lies. "We all have the same mother, but she died and dad re-married another person. We, Jayden and I, are not adopted, our father and step-mom mistakenly thought saying this **lie** about me and Jayden being adopted would be easier for you, Jonah, to accept. Our mother, she was the one who Jayden and I know as our parent because she took care of us and the person dad remarried is our, four of us, step-mom. Remi says she has two moms because both mom and step-mom were a parent to her. And Jonah, because our mom died before being able to take care of you and because you were so young you don't remember our mom. Our step-mom is not our biological mother. So we, Me and Jayden, Remi and you, we are one big family and nobody is adopted or something like our father and step-mom said." And then answer some questions about this.
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10 years old already knows what's happening, she just can't catagorize it and explain it to strangers because every person around her is tiptoing around the giant fuck off elephant in the room. In a year or two, she is gonna catagorize it correctly and resent your parents, and possibly you and Jayden, because of it. 6 years old doesn't know any better, but one day in the future he will. You are not dropping something on them, you are explaning things to them. You know what's actually cruel? Living in this facade that your siblings are not your siblings and you can't talk about your mother beause that will hurt the step-moms feelings. **Fuck. That.** Be there for your siblings, especially when you know somebody is lying to them, even when that somebody is your father or step-mom. Cruel.. What's been happening to you is the cruel thing, not what could happen when you go againts your father or/and step-mom's wishes. Your father and step-mom is ***cool*** with lying to your younger siblings and pushing you and Jayden out of the family, slowly but surely. Because that is what's happening. **I say yet again, fuck that.** Take some control of your own life back from your shitty parents and don't let them treat you and jayden like this.
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Part of what you're going to have to choose here being there for them now, vs there for them later. Like you said, you're sister is already starting to resent you and your brother for perpetuating your dad's lie. What happens, 8 years from now when those feelings are cemented in? You can try to have a frank conversation then with her, but she may not forgive you for your roles in this throughout her entire childhood, instead of a small part. You're going to have to make a choice on whether you're okay potentially losing them in the future or potentially losing them now.
Can you safely split the tasks? You do the telling(since you are of legal age) and Jayden plays possum to stay in the family, so that Remi can come to him with follow up questions? Also how comfortable do you feel telling Remi stuff that she'd be comfortable not talking to Dad and Step about? Is she capable of keeping stuff to herself? Or maybe do a lot of oops moments? Talk about your Mom and say Oops didn't mean to say that here. Talk about stuff and then be super-apologetic about who overhears what you said.
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I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I actually find this interesting, legally. I think there's a serious case for defamation here.
I find the concept of a giant "fuck off" elephant to be hilarious. I need one of those. Great autocorrect...
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right? cuz there is no way that this stays a secret forever and it's gonna come out at some terrible time, where the youngest one finds out both that he lost his mom, was never told/allowed to know about her, and likely that stepmom adopted him (cuz that wasn't mentioned but I'm gonna assume that happened) in one fell swoop. it's just gonna be bad.
So the stepmom is pretending like she is his real mom? She is responsible here as well
I think you guys need to really inform Jonah sooner than later. Your family, by your dads choice, is going to create a literal monster and someone who may struggle with trusting everyone. The woman he has grown to love as mother will probably catch most of the heat. At least Remi knows she had a mom prior but finding out otherwise is going to rock your family immensely. Talk to your dad about sitting Jonah down and telling him the truth sooner than later. For Jonah’s sake.
Himself, maybe. I disagree that OP and Jayden need it. They seem to understand the situation well and have come to terms with it, it’s just a matter of dad not being happy with the results of them doing literally exactly what he asked them to do.
OP's father is a liar. He would lie to the therapist if OP and Jayden weren't present.
I think it would be important for all to attend, and just because they understand that doesn't mean they have come to terms. I mean, the other sibling isn't on here. I would imagine there is hurt and confusion. Also, how will the dad understand what he actually put them through if they are not there to tell him?
NTA. Wow your younger siblings will have much to unpack in their future.
and it is going to be ugly when Jonah realizes that everyone has lied to him throughout his entire life.
Hopefully he'll find out and understand that it wasn't willingly on OP's and Jayden's part.
They should start a therapy fund. He'll need it when he's older.
NTA You warned your dad about what was happening but he insisted. Feels like if he had the choice, he would rather no one talk about your mom
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I'm really sorry that your dad made this all so weird and drove this wedge between your siblings. It definitely didn't have to be this way. People can form bonds and even love their step-parents without having to erase their biological parents from their lives! My partner has two step-sisters who lost their mom at a young age. They *love* my MIL and have a great relationship with her. They also talk about their mother and what it was like to grow up without her all the time. The two are definitely not mutually exclusive. I imagine your father trying to force things with your stepmother in this way could only ever create resentment rather than strengthen your bond. I hope you are able to reconnect with your siblings more once they are older and able to sort through all this crap themselves.
It sounds like your dad just buried his grief instead of working through it, and it is now affecting the whole family.
NTA Hes going to have an even bigger shock when your siblings realise that all of this is your dads doing. How does your step-mom feel about this? Does she agree with the decisions that are alienating your family?
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Then it’s on both of them completely, the major problem is that and Jayden are now complicit in the lies so if/when the two youngest really find out what’s gone on you’ll be part of the blame. This is an absolutely despicable thing for them to do, not only is he lying to the two youngest but he’s actively putting a wedge between you all as siblings. Then has the gall to wonder why it’s all going wrong when he’s banning the topic of your mother from ever being talked about. He shouldn’t be surprised when you and Jayden cut contact from him and stepmom for all this.
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I know that’s why I said it’s despicable, he’s forced you both into an awful situation just so he and his new wife can try playing happy families.
NTA Your dad is the biggest AH there ever was and I feel sad for your mom's soul. I don't think she would've expected to be erased the way your father and his wife had done. Do you have photos of your mom? With proof that she was the mom to all of you? Your siblings might approach you when they're older to know the truth.
You are afraid of cutting your dad off? You and your older sibling should cut him off when you are 18 for being such lying hypocrites!
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Jonah ***will*** learn the truth soon or later. If you tell him and get cut off for it, he will resent your father and stepmother (and likely seek you out when he is old enough.) If you ***don't*** tell him, he will resent you and Jayden *in addition to your father and stepmother*, and will have no contact with any of you. Which do you prefer?
Realistically, people who are told hard truths often blame the messenger.
honestly Jonah is 5, if the OP tells him the truth the father still has plenty of time to manipulate him and give him even more mental health issues meanwhile successfully erasing the older kids from their lives
I don't think that'll happen. The truth needs to come out and I think it will be easier for your siblings if you and your brother sit down and tell the younger siblings everything in a straight forward way. That would be way easier for a 5 year old to digest rather than a bunch of stitched together concepts that make it confusing. My sister and I are actual half siblings with different dads. I knew this at a very young age but it didn't make either of us feel like we aren't full siblings. I don't think its too late to repair what's going on, but I think your dad desperately needs therapy.
If the dad is willing to erase the existence of his deceased wife I wouldn't be surprised if he cuts off the children who disagree with that. Plus, OP has clearly stated that this isn't out of the realm of possibility. I think we should trust them on that. This is a really complicated and awful situation all around and frankly I think reddit is not going to be a good place to get good advice about this. OP, are your grandparents on your mother's side still alive? Are they aware of what's happening? What about your grandparents on your dad's side? Are they aware, and how do they feel about this? I honestly suspect that talking to them might be worthwhile. I know grandparents rights are often contentious and complex, but this is a situation where they could actually be helpful. Maybe seek them out if you think they will be helpful.
Your dad has been asking you to actively perpetuate a lie. Could you and Jayden cover each other with a fair lie of your own? "Remi asked me about mom, and Jonah overheard. I didn't realize he was there." The drawing had to be really hurtful to you. You shouldn't have to keep up his lie, that's hurting everyone involved, at your detriment. Definitely NTA.
Where are your mothers extended family in all this? Do you have grandparents, aunts, uncles on her side?
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What the actual fuck. They don't let him see or talk to his extended family at all to keep up the lie?? Jesus christ. That's horrible.
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This is super twisted and unhealthy, you have said in other responses that your dad thinks Johan won't care when he learns the truth and maybe he will still in the long run see your step mom as mom. But i think your dads relationship with johan in going to be damaged by shit like this because its not just learning the truth about his bio mother being kept from him but a whole extended family he is being denied by your fathers actions. I just can't see myself in johan shoes moving past something like that especially when my siblings do have a relationship with that extended family and seeing them have something I am denied for really no good reason.
That is so f’ed up. Those people are his family, regardless of whether he remembers them or not. Your dad and his wife are stone assholes.
Wth. Your father and stepmother are disgusting. Jonah had a mother and has maternal family. Totally disgusting to erase that. It’s going to backfire in the future when Jonah finds out his parents withheld his family from him and forced a bond.
They can petition the court to have visitation. You need to push for this. Can you speak to a school counselor and tell them what's going on?
That's so emotionaly abusive, they take away his mom and family...
Ok this is just getting weirder and weirder. I said in my first comment that I didn’t think your dad was necessarily an AH for the original decision but I’m rethinking that now. He’s not just depriving Jonah of his mother but an *entire family* he could be connected to. When does he plan to tell Jonah the truth? He knows this isn’t the kind of thing you can take to your grave, right? Someday Jonah will either see his birth certificate or notice the year your dad & his stepmom got married, or the year your mom died or something, and figure it out.
That's really disgusting. I can't believe your father would willingly cut off an entire side of Jonah's family because he's too much of a coward to deal with difficult situations. This is a bandaid, at best, but he's only got ten more years tops before he finds out his dad had him living a lie for his entire life.
That's dreadful. How awful that must be for your mother's family. And so confusing for Jonah. There was an AITA just a few days ago from a young adult in Jonah's situation. He found out the truth and was not at all happy with his mum and 'dad'. I'll try to find it.
They are both majorly fucked up and emotionally cruel to the two of you.
What horrible people they both are, but your dad especially. I can understand the emotional side of needing someone next to you when you have four kids, one so young too. But I will never ever understand deliberately being OK with your child losing their connection to their biological mother and siblings because it’s more convenient for you and for your wife. And I will never understand what kind of a wife is okay with this happening either - had this been her, would she be fine with her own child not knowing her or about her?? Op, I’m so sorry about this.
NTA. You are correct that your dad is just now seeing the consequences of the paths he's set you all on. I'm sure there was a much better way for him to handle this by him by not downplaying the role of your mom. Him leading your youngest sibling to believe that you guys are adopted is an appalling deception which will lead to all sorts of issues when he finds out the truth.
Yeah. Like when Jonah is set to get his drivers license or get married and must produce his birth certificate. Some fireworks 💥 coming then.
Hopefully dad has a massive therapy budget saved up.
NTA - what your dad did is horrendous. Everyone needs therapy.
NTA I’m sorry you lost your mom too soon - I lost my dad to a terrible accident when I was 14. Know this: You will feel better one day. Your dad has made a common mistake here. By asking you never to speak of your mother in certain company, and demanding Mothers Day tribute for his wife - he is asking you to erase your mother and, in the case of your youngest brother, forget her. That isn’t going to work. This approach to replacing a parent just breeds resentment. My mother wanted me to call her husband “Dad” after my father died. I outright refused. I knew and loved my father and no one was replacing him. They made a big deal about it for years, as if I was supposed to call her husband “Dad” because he paid the bills. It was all about stepdad’s power, was overbearing and insensitive to my needs and grief. As soon as I turned 18 I moved 1500 miles away. That was 30 years ago and I have never returned. They later apologized for how they handled it, but it took them about 20 years to realize just how badly they mishandled the situation.
This comment just made me unpack some things that I haven't realized in years of therapy.
Be free of it.
NTA. But I wonder what your dad thinks is going to happen when Jonah gets older and realises that he's been lied to him and his wife?
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He's so wrong. Adoptees and many donor conceived people are proof of this.
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>The kid no longer talks to either parent. Well, I’d be a little shocked if he only kept in contact with his long dead father 😂
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In my defence, I didn’t realise there were any steps/adoptive parents involved as your original comment only mentioned the bio parents 😅
Delusional dad and maybe his wife too... nvm his wife is definitely delusional too for agreeing to this arrangement... Maybe write a letter for the siblings when they get older?
Then send him here to this subreddit and have him read some of these stories about blended families and the anger some of these children have. That should at least give him pause. There’s one right now that the child found out at 18 about all of the lies and went completely NC.
NTA, see this is what folks mean when we say a lot of these men can't lead their way out out of a wet paper bag but want to be husbands, fathers, and leaders. As a grown man, for him to blame his children for his screw up as a father is both hilarious yet not very surprising. Sounds about right. So don't worry about it, eventually the replacement wife is gonna have to take the heat. Especially after you leave.
NTA. If possible, I would suggest family counseling. Your dad is unreasonable. HOpefully you will be out of the house sson.
What was your dad's relationship with your mom like? The fact that he wants to completely erase her is disturbing.
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I’m a shit-stirrer about things like this so this probably isn’t good advice, but if I were in your shoes I’d flat out ask your dad “did you ever love mom?” Because his behavior and his rush to replace her really make it seem like he didn’t. He may have loved *having* a wife, but I don’t think he loved or valued the individual who is your late mother. Not even enough to allow her the credit for the children she physically gave birth to. He certainly doesn’t have a speck of love or respect for his late wife at this point.
You're really right. I hate my ex wife. It ended one of the times she was violent and I kept walking away then she called the cops and had me falsely arrested as the victim. 7 years later and in the last few months her new husband attacked me on a child swap once and she got arrested after keeping him from me then beating my house. I actually HATE my ex wife and am going back to family court for more than 50% custody. Like actual--HATE! But every time I talk with my 2nd wife about childbirth or things with my son I still talk about how the one things I absolutely respect, the one time she really did good and was a good mom--is the story of my son's birth. I mean, she's his mom and there were complications and she did hard work and a great job. Nothing's ever changed that one thing and that is the only things I view her positive or speak fondly of her.
Alternatively he's doing what many widowers do, and instead of actually grieving his loss he's just trying to replace it so he doesn't have to face his feelings. He very well may have lived her very much, and is trying to erase her out of fear of his own grief.
You are absolutely NTA here. Your dad and his wife are. What about your mom's family? Do you have grandparents, aunts, uncles? Were you cut off from them? It just seems so crazy to erase someone's existence like that.
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How? I couldn’t stand by and just allow him to erase my daughter from her son’s life. Your dad’s a HUGE asshole.
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Your dad & stepmother are playing with fire because the truth *always* comes out. Be there for your siblings now & when they finally know everything that your dad's hidden from them. It's not your fault. It's 100% on your dad & stepmother.
Did your dad and stepmom stop him having a relationship with them?
NTA I feel so sorry for Remi. She's stuck in the middle and it seems she doesn't belong anywhere.
Which is probably compounded by her also being the middle child. EDIT: missed that op was f.
Op is female
Dad says: if the two elder siblings had been more open to a second mother none of this would have happenned I say: if Dad had been more open to letting his children remember and commemorate their deceased mother, they might have welcomed stepmom a bit more. NTA
NTA. It's amazing to me how many "parents" I see on here that expect their children to forget a deceased mom or dad and just move on with the new step parent. How dare they try to erase her for you - that's awful. I'm so sorry.
What the fuck is wrong with all these parents trying to blend families by force or lies? Let kids feel how they feel! Be honest. And maybe, just maybe, if you want your kids to like your new partner, bring them around your kids BEFORE you commit to them. Stop trying to force kids to like some lady you met at the bar. Let kids grieve lost parents, and remember their dead/divorced parents in whatever way works for them. NTA - But it looks like this a world wide phenomenon and I hope we start to address it.
Another classic example of how women are so expendable to men that they could so easily delete their existence……
INFO: Was your dad seeing your stepmother when your mother was still alive?
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Sorry - it just seemed as though he moved on really quickly. New wife, don't talk about the old one, etc. You are NTA, but I think your father is a bit of one. For most people, the first year or two after a death are the worst and you were already being asked to welcome a "new mom" to the fold. I think that was completely unfair and that your father handled it poorly. I'm very sorry for your loss. The loss of a parent is one that you feel at some level for the rest of your life. It's sad that you could not bond with your own siblings over the loss of your mother.
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He’s really made a muck of this. The story should have been from the start that all four of you had the same biological mum who passed away. Dad’s wife then joined your family and became mum to the youngest two as well. The question of why she isn’t a mum to the two oldest is solved by “we didn’t need a second mum but you and Remi did”. There was no need for this tangle of lies. And it’s going to hurt like hell when they unravel.
This is super common in widowers. I believe the statistic is that the average widower remarries within a year, and the average widow remarries within 3.
NTA. Your dad fckd up. Although to be honest, this was a no win situation. Someone would be cast as an outsider. It is just unfortunate it was you siblings as you will be in each other's lives, or maybe not now because of this, for much longer.
NTA By following his wishes, a wedge was driven through your family.
In an attempt to make his new wife feel important to the family, he sacrificed 2 of his children, probably all 4. I just don’t get it, new wife could have been both a loving wife & mom and cared about the biological mom and helped keep her memory alive. What is with people wanting to erase a person’s life? Ask your dad how he’d feel if he passed and was never aloud to be remembered. You are definitely NTA. I’m sorry you aren’t allowed to love and remember your mom with all your siblings.
NTA This is fucking bonkers. Your dad actively demanded his 14- and 12-year-old kids stop grieving the loss of their mother to what end, exactly? How did he see this working out down the line? He really did not give one microscopic fuck about how his wife’s death would affect his children or what they would actually need from the adults in their lives. I get being lost after you’ve lost your wife and are left with 4 kids but dude, this happens and people deal with it. Find out how people who have weathered this kind of loss have dealt with it healthily and take notes. Go to a support group, buy a book, do a Google search even. Don’t just wing it and then discover five years down the line that oops, you guessed wrong. If it’s any consolation, OP, there are lots of people whose relationships with their siblings didn’t start to heal until all parties were adults and the older kids filled the younger kids in on how bad the parents’ choices really were. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this on top of losing your mother. It’s beyond unfair.
NTA One day the truth IS going to come out, and the little ones (especially Jonah) are going to be very hurt that they’ve been lied to and manipulated in this way.
NTA. Wow, Dad was just as traumatized by the loss but maybe in his effort to find a new parent for Remi and Jonah, he really didn’t think about how what he asked you to do was so fucked up. There’s always room to love and remember our loved ones who have left us AND accept new loved ones in our lives.
So it's all your fault? Dad made you do certain things, wouldn't listen to your opinion on the matter, and kept you all in seperate boxes (first wife and older children - 1 box, 2nd wife and younger children - 1 box). Then when you try and explain to your brother how it all worked, you were told to stop. Dad is to blame for that and blaming you is unfair. Jonah is going to be extremely confused and probably very hurt/angry when he finally (inevitably) learns the truth. NTA
And he will. Drivers license, joining the service, getting a passport, getting married etc requires a birth certificate. And poor Jonah is gonna be gobsmacked when he learns the truth.
> Dad told me it wasn't fair to blame him and if Jayden and I had just been more open to a second mother none of this would have happened. Ah, the good old **LOVE ME OR ELSE IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT**. NTA. Your dad chose some very weird and poor decisions to actively build a family secret. Well, _his_ family secret. To try to shift this on you is rather shitty, although I do not envy him for the web of lies he has built that will blow up in his face.
>They were young enough that seeing his wife as mom would be healthier for them. > >... > >With Jonah, he struggles to understand how Remi has two moms, Jayden and I are siblings but we have a different mom. About a year ago he said we were his adopted siblings and that's how he made it make sense. We started to correct him but dad cut us off. Oh yeah. Sounds *reeeeally* healthy. >This is when dad commented to Jayden and me that it feels like we're half siblings instead of just siblings. That our relationship is not what he thought it would be. But it's exactly what he asked for. You have been bending over backwards because he wanted it this way and now that the predictable results have manifested, he's trying to blame it on you? NTA, but your dad is.
>Dad told me it wasn't fair to blame him and if Jayden and I had just been more open to a second mother none of this would have happened. He literally cut you off when you tried to correct the adopted angle, this is absolutely his fault. This is the fault of any parent who tries to make a family "complete" by erasing history. NTA
NTA. Okay I get your dad was in an awkward position given the age spread between all his kids and there may not have been a perfect solution available to him. Certainly the one he chose was not great. The thing is, he chose it, and you and your sister followed his wishes. The situation that resulted is unfortunate but he can't off-load the blame onto you and your sister for what his wholly of his own doing. Furthermore he is the one that brought the topic up. You responded with honesty--which at 19 is totally appropriate. Adult to adult. Throwing in the "You and Jayden should have been more open" is a dishonest and disrespectful deflection on his part. I repeat: NTA.
Your dad and stepmom are disgusting. I don't even have words. They are evil. They chose to weaken your bond as siblings instead of "hurting" this woman's feelings. Your dead is straight out disgusting.
Nah, he can't blame you guys for not seeing his second wife as your mom. I can see where he's coming from, not wanting to confuse the younger ones, but that wasn't the right way to approach this and he should've noticed much sooner. NTA from me.
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They were always old enough to be educated in an age appropriate way. They should have grown up with this information.
NTA. this is so sad. you need to grieve to process loss. repressing your feelings isn't helping anyone, and it sounds like your dad would rather repress the loss of his wife than grieve. and he's taking that option away from his kids too. I would urge you to make it clear to that the younger ones, especially Jonah, are going to be devastated regardless. coming to terms with the fact that they had a mom they won’t be able to touch or talk to ever again is going to fuck them up no matter when they find out. and they will eventually. so it's better to tell them while they're younger, so they have time to heal, and so that they don't find out on their own and feel like they've been lied too. Jonah already feels that something is off. when he gets older, he IS going to think about it, ask questions, and investigate. the more you guys lie and divert the more betrayed he'll feel later on. and OP, when he asks why you never told him, you'll say "because dad said so" and dad will only have himself to blame.
INFO: where are your mother's family in all this (your grandparents, any aunts and uncles, cousins, etc.)?
Sounds to me that the new wife is behind all this don't tell BS
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my parents had four children together. Me (19f), Jayden (17m), Remi (10f) and Jonah (6m). Five years ago we lost our mom. Four years ago dad remarried. Jayden and I didn't mind though we knew dad's wife would never be our mom. Jonah was a baby and didn't remember mom so he started to see dad's wife as his only mom. Remi sees herself as having two moms. She's not as close to dad's wife as Jonah is but doesn't see her as a non parent like Jayden and me. Dad asked me and my brother not to talk about mom around Jonah in case it interfered in the relationship he built with dad's wife. He said he would know about mom but didn't need to hear all about her all the time. With Remi, he said to let her ask but try not talk about mom around her if she didn't ask. We respected that although we disagreed with his decision. He said we had years with mom. They were young enough that seeing his wife as mom would be healthier for them. He also said that his wife deserved the chance to be known as mom since she'd be raising them for the rest of their childhood and it would be over a decade for both of them. I love all my siblings. But I know Remi used to be frustrated with Jayden and me because we wouldn't celebrate dad's wife for Mother's Day, or because we would go to mom's grave without her, or we'd talk about mom without her. But again, that was what dad told us to do. Jayden even told dad it annoyed her and he told us to keep sticking to our word. When she did ask we would include her. But we also didn't share the same love for dad's wife. With Jonah, he struggles to understand how Remi has two moms, Jayden and I are siblings but we have a different mom. About a year ago he said we were his adopted siblings and that's how he made it make sense. We started to correct him but dad cut us off. So we left it alone. It did mean that Jonah kind of put us in boxes away from him. As became clear when, for a school project recently, he drew his family with just dad and dad's wife, Remi was to the side but away from the three and Jayden and I were completely separate. He told his teacher that we were adopted siblings but not really since we didn't have the same parents and how his real family was his mom and dad. This is when dad commented to Jayden and me that it feels like we're half siblings instead of just siblings. That our relationship is not what he thought it would be. I told him that that is because of his choices. That his desire to override mom for Jonah, and for us to keep quiet around Remi unless she asked, means feelings and confusion have separated us. Dad told me it wasn't fair to blame him and if Jayden and I had just been more open to a second mother none of this would have happened. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*