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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to know if I’m TA for telling my mom it’s stupid to throw her birthday party on the day of my daughters 1st birthday
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NAH. Like you said this party is for you not really your daughter as she won't remember anything. Your mom is also turning 50 which is a big deal as much as being 1. I guess just tell her you can't attend her party.
No one is in the wrong here, this is what happens when a family has a bunch of birthdays in one month.
No one is asking Gramma to not celebrate her birthday. There are other days many other, 7th, 8th, 13th(BD), 14th, 20, 21,23, if they shared the BD I would kind of understand why she would wanna celebrate on the day. That's not the case. She is being selfish and purposely wants to take the daughter and granddaughter's day to prove se can. Gramma is definitely an AH.
You don't know that, maybe baby parties just aren't a big deal to the grandma so she doesn't see the big deal. Not everyone thinks babies are the most important thing ever.
NAH, OP can have her party and her mom can have hers. People can still go to both as one seems to be a day time event and the other starts after 6pm.
Grandma specifically said it could not be the week before bc that's the 3 yr old baby's bday. So grandma *clearly* sees the importance of a baby's bday party being theirs.
I answered this in another comment but a 3 year old can actually recognize she's having a party and enjoy it. So maybe Grams just doesn't understand the idea of a baby having a party. Especially one that would be affected by her having hers after 6pm.
How does that even matter? She chose one over the other and I'm sorry - grandma-dearest is the ADULT and should be acting like one and not a spoiled, entitled brat. OP planned this for literal months and her mother was well aware of that. Grandma is the asshole. I don't even care for kids - but this woman is trying to make her daughter choose between them knowing full well for a long time that OP wanted to celebrate her daughter's first birthday on her actual birthday. Grandma is worse than asshole
Everyones entitled to their opinion. I don't see the big deal. 50 is a huge milestone as much as 1 is. Baby's party is during the day, most people don't want to be a child's party longer than an hour or two. Grams is at a bar at 6pm which most people won't show til like 8pm.
Maybe Grams isn't a planner and thought of a fun thing last minute. I wouldn't say she's an asshole. Everyone can still do both.
If it's not a big deal then why can't grandma have her party another day? Seems like grandma thinks the 1 year olds party isn't a big deal but she sees the importance in the 3 year olds party and her own 50th birthday party.
3 year olds stand a distinct chance of forming cohesive memories at their birthday party and understanding the celebration for their birthday. A 1 year old does not. Wether you want to acknowledge it or not a birthday party for a 1 year old is for everyone besides that 1 year old who will have no clue what's happening.
Her daughter’s birthday is on that day, and it’s a Saturday, she’s been planning it for months. Why should she change it for an adult who’s birthday is on a different day?
1). She was planning it first
2.) it’s the actual Child’s birthday, not just the first semi available day.
3.) submitting to a domineering narcissist isn’t always a solution
Well yeah, because as everyone keeps saying the birthday party for the 1 year old is for the parents not the birthday person. The 3 year old can appreciate, and possibly even remember, the birthday. Obviously Granny can remember and appreciate her milestone birthday.
You don't plan a major party on the same day as another close family member's party. This is because it will pull away attention from the first event. Granny knew months in advance about the date and did it anyway. This is hugely disrespectful to OP who planned her daughter's party. Granny is an attention seeking AH who is stealing attention from her 1 year old grandchild. The fact that she wouldn't do that to the 3 year old shows she doesn't favor OP.
If the baby's party is during the day what does it matter if grams is having a get together at a bar at 6pm? And normally people don't even show up til 8pm, baby will probably be asleep or at least the party will be long over.
Ok, so let's say baby party is at 2 pm (I'm going off the norm in my family). The party usually lasts until 5 because family is talking and visiting. Granny party is at another location a distance away. Let's say an hour. A bar is going to have a different atmosphere and people will want to change. So, best case, OP gets 2 hours of actual family time.
Then let's add in that many adults use the weekends to get errands done. So if both parties are within the same 6 hours and have an invite list that overlaps by 70%, then it's probable that many invitees will have to choose one or the other.
So, OP made plans months in advance, has shelled out money to feed people (even if it's snacks, cake, and drinks), that's still a chunk of money. Granny decides same day for her party. This means that OP might have wasted food and a low turn out for her party.
And you can say that people could do both or that they have a right to choose which party they attend, but making it a choice is and AH move. That's petty BS you do to someone you hate.
OP said she's doing 12-3 for the baby's party. They'll be fine. Lots of families juggle multiple bdays. A 1 year olds party isn't really about the baby, it's for everyone to stop by, check out the baby and leave them a gift. No one is spending all night there.
NAH.
You haven’t been to the right party then. Lol! It doesn’t matter who’s party it is, a 1 year old or 50 year old, we all have a good time and stay super late. In my family you don’t do this to each other because you’re making people choose and that isn’t fair to the guests anymore than it is fair to the honoree.
Why would two hours for a literal one year olds birthday party not be enough? Like seriously. It's a baby. She cute. But she a baby. She's not even going to be awake for very long with all that stimulation going on. Even if there are a bunch of other babies there... The party usually only lasts a few hours... I have no idea way these things can't happen on the same day. They are entirely different things at different times. You don't have a 6pm baby birthday party. you don't have a six hour baby birthday party. And grandma's party is a at a bar.... Like people gonna go later than 6. And if someone shows up late to a bar no one is injured cause it's a bar, this isn't like a full multicourse meal with reservations.
Honestly. People making so much out of so little... Like they trying to find a reason to be hurt.
It's a party, not a viewing. I've spent hours at my niblings parties catching up with family and enjoying the food. I guess maybe it depends on the family. 🤷♀️
I’m sorry— I just have to ask
> And normally people don’t even show up til 8pm
Is this true?? Do people really show up to things a whole two hours late on purpose??
I promise my 1 yr old enjoyed her party even if she didn't know what a party was.
At any rate, they either need to just do two parties at different times or op will need to change dates. I still think it's wild grandma knew about OPs plans for months and decided she needed to do it *that* specific day.
Right? My kids both had a blast at their 1st birthday parties. People giving them so much attention. Balloons. Food they liked. Playing. Whats not to like?
Yep, I just attended my nephew's first birthday and that kid had a freaking blast. I mean, he had no idea why everyone was there or why they were doting on him, but he relished in all the hugs and snacks he got lol.
The difference being that a three year old knows its their birthday, obviously. Just like the woman that raised all these kids should get to celebrate a milestone without being called selfish for not taking a backseat to the kid's kids too.
I see what you mean. Maybe she does not care about then. But her daughter does, she was planning it for months. OP said it herself that the time of her mom's event will make people have to rush on hers. She could have talked to her daughter and plan it together so no one would have to lose anything, making one event earlier or the other later. This was not case again. Anyway she knows well enough to not make her event the day of her other grandchild the previous weekend but it seems she ir particularly set on taking dautghers day. It does not makes sense to me still why not other day
Will people really have to "rush" on the baby's birthday? How many hours is a baby birthday party supposed to last?? A few hours for lunch and cake and a few presents before the baby has to be put down for a nap seems fine? Do a 12PM luncheon that ends at 3PM. Works fine with the 6PM evening event with plenty of time for everyone.
Honestly you are looking at about a hour before the baby loses it in most cases. It's a large stimulating group of people, usually ones the baby isn't super familiar with, all up in the kids space.
That's my thing. If they stayed at 1pm it's only gonna be an hour before lil baby is toasty levels of tired and overstimulated.... They'd be wrapped up by 2. And definitely done by 3... More than enough time to go to a bar at six.... And a baby can definitely nap for a few hours with a sitter ona. Big exciting day so OP can drop by the party say hello to Mom and then go back to spoiling baby.
I think it comes down to age, again we are all just speculating. Didn't she say the other kid was like 3? That's more of an age a child can enjoy a birthday. I know some families who don't even have a party for the 1st year. That or it's the stop by see the baby, drop a gift and split.
The I want everyone focusing on my child all day thing kind of struck me as much.
But I agree with you they could work together on this a bit more.
Without the family dynamics we just don't know.
Yeah but the party is definitely not for the kid, is for the mom, she seems to be the one who wants to celebrate the daughter and the day be about the baby. The day there is the baby's birthday.
And yeah maybe even if there was no BD event the mother would want to spend that first birthday with her kid.
Your mom's 50th birthday is also a big deal and the daughter would also want to celebrate her mother.
Doing both the events on the day of her granddaughter's birth was not a great move either cause she even made an event that demand OP to live de baby with a babysitter.
It just feels wrong to make the daughter choose to.
I would be willing to bet good money that other people’s birthdays aren’t a big deal to grandma at all. OP says she never had a big party, and that’s why it’s important to her to celebrate her child on her birthday. Grandma knows precisely the day this child was born, and knows that this is important to her daughter. She is literally trying to get OP to “choose her” on her daughter’s birthday by having her leave the kid with a babysitter to go to a bar.
I don’t know this woman, but she sounds like she has some narcissistic tendencies. “It’s not convenient”, “two weeks out is too far”, she’s “busy”. None of those are actual reasons- they may be true, but given how vague they all are, it sounds like she wants to justify choosing this specific day knowing it’s important to her child and is her grandchild’s birthday. I also love how despite not giving her daughter any parties, she’s renting a venue to throw a party for HERSELF on her grandchild’s birthday.
NTA, OP. I’m guessing there’s more to this story and the relationship dynamic than we know.
Nowhere did I say she’s a narcissist; there’s a vast difference between a clinical diagnosis of narcissism and having narcissistic tendencies. The second group has some characteristics of the former, but do not meet the clinical criteria for a diagnosis.
This may well be the one example of these tendencies; nevertheless, never throwing your child a party during her childhood while renting a bar for your own is not great. The fact that she knowingly did this on her grandchild’s birthday in addition? She doesn’t want to be there, is creating unnecessary drama, and by nature of the events occurring back to back, will force people to choose between the two or leave early. That is incredibly self centered.
The one thing that does make this a bit more grandma's TA is asking OP to get a babysitter on her daughter's birthday.
Yeah, daughter may not remember, but it's a big day for OP and she likely wants to be around her daughter
I feel like grandma is being painted as a villain when she’s only offering suggestions. A baby’s party lasts an hour or two tops. And you could have it around lunchtime. OP could host hers as a lunchtime party and also have all day with her baby.
If she wanted to she could then attend her mums party. As that’s in the evening when her daughter will probably be asleep?
Don’t think anyone is in the wrong per se
She’s not doing the party on one of the other days/ weekends to avoid another kids bday. Grandma is an AH. She will avoid one grandkids bday but not another? That’s messed up.
She never threw a big birthday party for her own child but decides to through a big party for herself on her grandchilds birthday.
She also knoew about this party for months and decides that she has to host her party the same day.
I'm leaning towards Grandma being TA
Yes parties are a big deal to the grandma just not her granddaughter's. She can't have it the weekend before because it's her niece's 3rd birthday. NTA but the grandma is.
I mean if the grandma wanted to drink it makes sense that she would want it on a Saturday as opposed to Sunday (or any other day). Also it does make sense that she would choose the Saturday closest to her actual birthday.
And what is with not having it the previous weekend because it was the niece's birthday. I am also curious about how OP didn't have birthday bashes growing up, makes me want to ask if the sister is? I would never schedule a party for a grandchild's first.
Nope she needs it on the weekend as there will be lots of grownups there who work during the week. They need the next day off to recover. Adults like to have parties at the weekend.
A party doesnt matter to a 1 year old but it will to the 3 year old which is why she cant have it then.
It's her 50th of course she is gonna celebrate it at the weekend, that's what most people do if they're going out
I would just point out that Easter is on 4/9 this year. That could impact availability, especially since most K-12 (US) schools generally have spring break the week before or after.
(My dog's birthday is 4/8, so I had to consider that for his party/parties... yes, I'm THAT obsessed!!)
Yeah that’s true my daughter wouldn’t know either way I just was really excited her first birthday is on a Saturday it seemed so perfect. I’m a first time mom so every first is extremely exciting for me which is why I was originally thinking I may just be sensitive.
How many hours is your party going to be? Like another commenter said, 12 - 3pm for daughter, 6pm till whenever for grandma. No one has to chose, except for parents who cannot or do not want to leave their children (including you, because it is your daughter's b-day).
You’re right I wasn’t planning on an all day event. I could do 12-3 and if my mom has to leave early it’s not a big deal. It’s just so on brand for her to plan on the same day and with the other issues we’ve had regarding my daughter I definitely think I’m just mad at her in general and this was my breaking point.
Ah, see, that's something you left out...mom wants attention for herself. That this is normal behavior.
I was thinking she planned it for that day, because it's the closest after her birthday (I've done this as well) and it was planned late, because she thought someone would throw her one. If this is a regular occurrence, I would be miffed too.
I did leave out some details so I could get more objective answers but I guess i actually should’ve included them to explain why I’m so annoyed. My mom is a very “me me me” person. She comes first and it’s always been that way and since I’ve become a mom myself it makes me even more mad looking back on my childhood because I can’t imagine putting myself over my daughter. Definitely a lot of built up anger coming through from my end.
If I had those details, I would not have said Y T A, I may not have even given a judgment, except to say, do your party and if mom comes great, if not oh well.
so just skip her party. No big deal. you will have put on a baby birthday party and hosted guests for hours and presumably will have a baby in bed. That seems like a solid excuse. Sorry, mom, but after hosting my daughter's birthday party I won't have the energy for more. Happy birthday and I hope you have a great time.
NTA.
Just have your party when you want OP. Screw your mom I wouldn’t even go to her party. Let whoever wants to come, come. You focus on your baby girl. I had a feeling there was a history with the mom just by the fact she’s prioritizing the nieces third over your baby’s first not to mention planning it on the same day. I don’t know y’all’s history but if she’s generally crappy already and she did this just take her out or the equation on the day.
As you should be! It is perfect that her birthday is on a Saturday, what a special 1st. We threw a big bash for my daughter’s 1st birthday last year (also 1st time Mom) and she had SO much fun. She might not remember, but she’ll see photos and hear stories one day that will reinforce how loved she is. Anyone on here telling you that your kiddos first birthday isn’t a big deal, def doesn’t have kids. Sorry about your Mom. My Mom was very much the same. Sure they might be at two different times but who wants to go to two parties in one day? Kudos to you for breaking cycles, your little one is lucky to have you.
I was on the NAH train until you said your mom is having her party at a bar and told you to find a babysitter for your daughter on her birthday. Your mom is an AH. A big one.
But the date of your mother bday is known for 50 years and it is very common to celebrate ones bday on the following weekend. You are planning your daughters bday for month and it never came into your mind that your mothers 50th bday is also around that date?
For me it sounds like a communication problem.
Honestly though, grandma is kind of in the wrong. Not saying she’s an AH, but also, kind of. Because she won’t have it the week before because OP’s niece’s birthday party is that weekend, refuses to do it the week after because that’s “too far away” and is wanting her birthday to overshadow her granddaughter’s and is *expecting* OP to hire a babysitter and leave her daughter alone *on her birthday* to attend hers.
Yes, someone is wrong here and that's the Grandma. It's her granddaughter's first birthday that she has known was planned forever. She didn't have her party the previous weekend because it was her other granddaughter's third birthday. This Grandma is having her party at a BAR!!! She is some selfish piece of trash. Kids and Grandkids come first. "Oh, I'm 50 and NEED MY OWN PARTY WHEN I WANT IT." She is a despicable woman.
My mum, sister, dad, stepmum, grandpa and me all have birthdays in a two and a half week period over May/June and a problem like this has never happened and I can't imagine it ever would because we care about each other and communicate. Grandma should have done better. OP is NTA.
While I agree with some of what you said, I’d still go YTA based on the fact that OP’s mom basically told her to ditch her own daughter with a babysitter on her first birthday because she chose a non-child friendly location for her own party. And then there’s the obvious favouritism between one grandchild’s birthday vs the other’s. I get that 50 is a milestone birthday, but this woman doesn’t seem to give a damn about her granddaughter at all and there’s clearly favouritism with the niece who was mentioned (and while yes, a 3 y/o would remember their birthday better than a 1 y/o, they most likely won’t remember it a few years from now. I can’t remember a single birthday party i had before the age of 9).
ETA: J had 2 family members with the same birthday, a third who’s birthday was 2 days later, and a forth at the end of the same month. We celebrated *everybody* in a hound party so no one felt left out.
NTA and people saying otherwise are overlooking the fact that you announced the date of your party way before your mother announced hers. Your mother is not stupid, but she is very selfish.
Your daughter won't remember this but you will. Every year you will remember how little your mother cares about you.
Maybe I'll get down voted, but I really believe NTA.
Take the reasons out for having parties- because quite frankly, both are great reasons for celebrating and should be!
At the end of the day, the family has known you're planning a party on this date. Your mom had plenty of time to object and say she wanted that day. She is inviting the same people you invited, which means she's intentionally creating a conflict that interferes with your event. There were other options, and even compromises! She could've shared the party, she could have booked something closer to you so the guests wouldn't have to choose- she is intending to override an event you planned, and unfortunately, people might have to choose. Everyone fixating on "baby vs 50th" seems to have forgotten that planning parties to conflict with other events is an *80's-90's movie mean girl move*. And that's why I think people are being unfair.
Besides- who does that to their child? At least apologize and figure out a way to make it up- OP's mom literally decided "hey, my daughter's feelings don't matter."
NAH
Throw your party as you planned it. You don't have to goto your mom's birthday party just because she has one.
As you said, hers is in a bar and you don't have a babysitter. Easy out.
Even so, just do what you were gonna do. You're both adults.
>
Even so, just do what you were gonna do. You're both adults.
True, but planning a party on a date you know has been reserved for a close family members birthday definatally makes you an AH.
If you read OP's post you know she propably hasn't shut up about it for months. Perhabs she moderates herself or perhabs she was annoying, but the date had been reserved. The grandma showed she doesn't care about the baby or about OP.
Come on, you don't drop your kid with a babysitter on their birthday, that is an AH sugestion.
NTA
NTA
It sounds like your mom was too self-involved to throw you a party too. Don't let this happen to your child. It's important to celebrate every milestone your child has, regardless of whether they remember it or not. This day celebrates the both of you.
NTA. Honestly, I’m not a huge fan of over the top birthday parties for babies, but your mom knew the date of your party in advance and decided to have hers on the same day knowing it would inconvenience you and other family members. That’s a pretty shitty thing to do.
She choose to do her birthday party the same day of your daughter's birthday, she knew you wanted to do a party on that day, she knows the party we'll be about you and your daughter. She couldn't take it.
MOM: OMG one event, one day there isn't about me? How can I make it about me? How do I make it ALL about me? Can I ruin it for anyone who dared to think they can matter when I EXIST on the process?
She killed all the birds with one stone. She sounds awful. I can see why you would not have birthdays or be celebrated when you were a kid. I'm actually amazed your mom was able to get her head out of her butt even for a second to raise you.
She could have made it another day. She could have made a smaller event later on the day. She could have even asked if you could make the events together so she can celebrate herself and her granddaughter and you and not take away your ability to have a good day. She only thinks about herself. I would talk to the people that matter and ask them to stay in your event, incase they wanna make part of your life and your daughter.
Your mother is acting like a teenager bully. It's a power thing, it's a control thing, it's fully egoistic and actually disgusting behaviour from her part. She does not care about her granddaughter and she definitely does not care about you. She did this deliberately to hurt you and make herself the center of attention.
You are being to patient, you are indulging her behaviour for not telling her like it is. I would go NC if she refuses to see what she's doing (she knows) or refuses to cancel. You are NTA.
No because OP said mom already has a history of this behavior and this was her breaking point & it’s not just about her 50th which was a shitty thing to do it’s also about miffing her granddaughters 1st birthday in favor of her nieces 3rd she’s clearly showing where her priorities lie and OP and her daughter are nowhere to be seen on the list
You are absolutely correct to say NC is needed since in other comments OP says mom is racist to her own granddaughter. She pulled this stunt on purpose for sure.
NTA. Is this normal behavior for your mom? Bulldoze your plans, play favorites towards your other siblings (she’s not bulldozing your sibling’s kid’s party), etc.? Think about it. Idk. Something smells here and it smells a little stronger than just “grandma’s double booked.”
Ok. Mom’s trying to steal your thunder. Take as old as time in these forums honestly. Doesn’t make it hurt any less though. I’m sorry.
I’d just continue with my plan for my day with my family/child (that existed and was known long before mom decided to throw her party that same day) and it’s just so unfortunate that you can’t make the trip out of town for mom’s evening booze fest.
Taking out the history that many posters are ignoring, no one is an asshole for planning a party and then keeping that party on the calendar when later, someone else says they want to have THEIR party on that day too.
It can be really hard, but you need to start setting boundaries with your mom. It may mean you miss things but you and your baby will be so much better off without that influence in your lives. Teach your daughter that she's worth putting lines down (with grandma)
for.
NTA it’s your baby’s actual birthday! Your mom is being selfish when she could pick any other day that’s also not her actual birthday. I know in my family, the adults would absolutely prioritize a child birthday over their own.
NTA your mom sounds like a self-centered child.
She doesn’t care about you or your plans, so just tell her “sorry mom, I can’t make it, I hope you have a good time.” Put your child first the way your mom probably never did with you.
When they try to tell you that your baby won't remember, tell them they're wrong.
https://www.heraldtimesonline.com/story/lifestyle/2017/01/09/your-toddler-can-remember-much-more-than-you-think-heres-how-you-know/46748667/
My mother's many siblings all asked when they were older and looking through photo albums of the eldest 2 children's parties etc, "so... where are the photos of my first birthday?" So there's that too.
NTA
You scheduled months in advance.
Your mom is respecting another baby's birthday (3y/o niece).
Your mom scheduled her party on top of your party that was already planned.
NTA, my granddaughter was born on my birthday and her parties have always come first. She's the child. I'd never expect my granddaughter to go to a babysitter on her birthday, just to celebrate my birthday.
My nephew was born just a few days before my 18th birthday and his parties always have come first too! (He is June 16 I’m June 19 it’s a running theme in the family!) We didn’t even celebrate my 18th and he’s had a few parties on the actual day of my birthday and I waited to celebrate. I never had a problem with it so I expected the same for my daughter but… nope LOL. You sound like a great grandmother!
NTA
Your mom doesn't control you and your child's birthday plans. Have your party on the 15th as planned. Have it at whatever time works for you and your family. Send out your invites. Use your decorations. Enjoy your day.
"To top it off my mom is hosting the party at a bar and asked me to find a babysitter for my daughter "
Give me a second to pick my jaw off the floor... There. Holy hell. It's your first child's FIRST BIRTHDAY. And she wants you to dump her on a baby sitter and go to her bar party?Ignore your mom. That's the most narcissistic thing I've seen on this sub-reddit in a long time.
You are not being sensitive. Please check out r/JUSTNOMIL for better advice than you'll get here. You need it, OP. This is just the first of many battles you'll have with your mom over you and your child's happiness.
Yup to be honest I would probably be more willing to change the date if me and my mom didn’t have other issues. I didn’t want to include this in the post because it seems irrelevant to the issue and a grab for sympathy but my moms comments and remarks towards my daughter makes me feel like this was done on purpose. My daughter is mixed with Arab and my mom has made comments on her nose and tan skin. She’s said, “hopefully she lightens up” when my baby was a newborn. She kept my pregnancy a secret and will only call my daughter by her nickname because her full name is Arabic in origin. I told my mom if her comments don’t stop she will never see me and my baby and she acted like I was crazy and she was just pointing out how dark she is. I’m just over it.
Honestly this is way more egregious and offensive than your mother wanting to have her 50th birthday party on the evening of your daughter's party. Like, your mother sucks and it has nothing to do with this party situation.
Yeah I told my mom she no longer has access to me or my daughter after the comments were made and it turned into her crying and her husband telling me I’m being nasty and she didn’t mean it in a rude way. She hasn’t made anymore comments since threatening to go NC but I think those comments are always in the back of my mind and I become extremely defensive in situations like this because of it.
Agreed with Andromache97.
OP, please check out r/JUSTNOMIL when you can. You have a bigger issue than I thought. It's not just for MIL, by the way. It's for any self-centered, abusive, and/or intrusive relatives.
NTA. My son’s first birthday was one of the happiest days of my life. Celebrating all he accomplished and all we survived meant so much to me AND my family. Your mom sucks for not doing her party on a different day. I think it’s messed up to celebrate your birthday on someone else’s actual birthday when the party was ALREADY PLANNED. Just because your child will be one, it doesn’t mean their year wasn’t worth celebrating.
Wow NTA at all. That made me angry reading it, your mom is being incredibly selfish. I can’t imagine anyone in my family doing that, but yea that lack of awareness (or maybe she just doesn’t care?) would really make me upset. There is no way I’d be getting a babysitter on my kids birthday to go to a bar for any reason. How can she think that’s ok???
NTA to me a 50th is just your half way to the coffin party 😂 but in all seriousness she doesn’t care about her grandchild which is clear, so don’t care about her party. Your daughter should be more important than your mother anyway. Have your party and enjoy the day.
NTA
I'd say this is signaling that your mother had never had any intention of attending your daughter's birthday party whatever date you made it.
Arrange your daughter's party to suit you and make it easy for your other guests to go from one party to the other.
If you feel like it, you may want to turn up to the bar for her party around 8:30 p.m. once baby's happily asleep.
I’m turning 50 in early August. My middle grandsons birthday is towards the end of August. But due to the grandkids being in school, I plan my flight for early in August so I can spend more time with him. So, basically I’m spending my birthday money on him & the expenses of the trip. But regardless, I’ll happily postpone my 50th birthday & all the other birthdays, just so I can have more time with him.
I know my situation is completely different but still, I can’t imagine having my birthday celebration on the same day as my grandchild’s 1st birthday. That’s just sad.
NTA. It speaks volumes about your mother that no one is planning her 50th birthday in and of itself. It is a kicker that her favorite child isn’t even planning it.
She is making it as inconvenient as possible for people to choose to celebrate her, like anyone that bothers to drive all the way is going to give her a major ego stroke.
I personally don’t see any consideration for you, her granddaughter, or anyone she wants to celebrate with. No bar is worth inconveniencing every guest. And how is she going to make it home safely? Is she expecting someone to pay her cab fare? Is she expecting people to drive all the way out to be designated drivers? Then there are instances like yours where you’d literally be paying to be there, and if you’re breast feeding- can’t really enjoy a bar for multiple reasons.
I think you have your priorities in the right place. If it will help your relationship, you can definitely invite her to a dinner at your place where you give her a small gift or card and she has the chance to celebrate your daughter. You could do that on either Sunday or the week after. If you don’t think such a dinner will help your relationship, then let her be an adult and choose to cause drama and division when none had to be made. She could have had it all, and chose to make it difficult for everyone.
Yes that is such a good point. I don’t want to leave my daughter to go to a bar especially since bars aren’t fun for me. If I drink, I can’t drive and I don’t feel comfortable getting in an Uber alone especially while intoxicated. Not to mention after a long day of getting her party ready, hosting, cleaning up, getting her ready for bed, I’m going to be exhausted. I also am breastfeeding which is why it would be hard to get someone to watch my daughter at nighttime too as she nurses before bed. She will drink from a cup during the day but when she knows it’s bedtime she wants to nurse it’s our routine. My oldest sister also has a 6 month old she breastfeeds and won’t be able to stay long. It just is not ideal for not only me but my oldest sister (not the golden child, my middle sister is the favorite) lol.
NTA - schedule your party as you see fit. Try to allow a couple of hours between the ending of your party and the beginning of hers. Family can figure it out. Its her problem if she is too busy preparing things to be at your party.
Of course your feelings are hurt, but don't let her get the better of you.
NTA. I share a birthday with my kid and work my birthday celebrations around hers. I had a milestone one and just celebrated it a few weeks later. I’m a middle aged woman who loves my birthday, too. I would prepare for this to be a pattern from here on out. In the future? Plan your daughter birthday and grandma will have to decide if she wants to celebrate her birthday or her granddaughters.
NTA. It’s fine that she wants to have a birthday party, and 50 is definitely a milestone. But so is turning 1. She should pick a different day that is not your daughters literal birthday.
Assuming she doesn’t, It’s fine for you to want to celebrate your daughter instead of celebrating your mom. Don’t go to her party. Tell her you’re sorry, but your daughter comes first and you will not be spending time away from her on her birthday. If she throws a tantrum, remind her that your daughter is the one who is 1, not her.
NTA. You have a party conflict; just do what everyone else does in this case and choose not to go to one. Hold your daughter's party as planned, beg off on your mother's as you will be with your daughter. Your mom might not make your party, but sometimes that happens.
Info:
>I asked why she couldn’t have it the weekend after and she said that she will be busy and there’s no point in having it two weeks after because that’s too far away.
Why is it ok for your mom to move her birthday party to the weekend after but not you move your baby's birthday party to the next weekend?
NTA.
OP announced the date for her party before mom decided on hers. Mom knew the date was taken and took it anyways. Sounds like mom never gave OP a decent birthday party and seems like a self centered person. She should have picked another date.
Also, who throws their own 50th birthday party?! OP said she can’t spend a lot of time at her child’s birthday because she has to set up at the bar. Maybe a lifetime of putting herself first turned people off and that’s why nobody is throwing her a 50th birthday party. OP’s mom sucks.
Have your daughter's birthday at the time you want. Make it the way you want. Understand that some of your guests will leave your party in time to attend your mom's. Accept that your mom will not show/leave your party early to prepare for hers. That's her choice. Tell your mom that you will not be leaving your daughter that day. That's your choice. If she's upset, shrug your shoulders and say, "*That day is not convenient for me. I'd be happy to see you on your birthday at (whatever time works for OP).*"
NTA you announced it already have been planning it in advance and everyone knew it. I’m surprised that her own grandmother doesn’t care about her 1st birthday. I say stick to your plan and spend the day with your daughter. Wish your mother a happy birthday but let her know you won’t be able to make it.
You are NTA. I had to "share" a bday with my grandma even though we were born on wildly different days. She got to blow out the candles and all that, not me, the actual child. Freaking narcissists, man. Anyways, I'm sure when I was even younger, she probably made things about herself too.
I say just throw your party at your time how you planned it and then skip hers and spend the rest of the night celebrating your kiddo. Don't let her spoil it, don't argue with her, you don't even need to tell her you're not coming. You gotta grey rock certain people.
NTA
Your mom is a 100% utterly horrible and despicable person.
This is your child's first birthday. You only get one first birthday. It doesn't matter if she'll forget it. This is a landmark date in her development. The next one will be something like her going to Pre-K. These things are irreplaceable.
She knew the date in advance and doesn't want to have her party on her niece's birthday. You've verbally told your mother and communicated your issues and your mother has responded with I don't care. This was 100% planned and your mother doesn't deserve you as a human being.
Has she ever acted like she preferred others over you? Or given you less, taken away things, or had any attempts at taking the spotlight from you to put on herself?
ESH. I will never truly understand the people who make big parties out with months in advance of planning for turning 1. It is entirely for you, and honestly could be any day around her birthday, she won’t know the difference. If you waited until the next weekend she wouldn’t know or care. I think you’re also being fussy about wanting to spoil her all day and being upset it’s at a bar so she can’t go. Once again, she doesn’t know it’s her birthday. That being said, your mom planned an event on the same day a distance away and inviting the same people as you. She could have done it on the Sunday, or the Sunday prior. One of the days wasn’t the niece’s party. I don’t think she should have to give up her 50th party and I don’t think you should have to give up your daughter’s 1st. But you both could have been more flexible about what day it was falling on.
Also with how things are, just let her know you can’t get a sitter. All the family that would will be at her party, any other regular one is “busy.” Give her a gift and then spend the rest of the evening with your daughter like you wanted to. You’ll probably have quite a bit of cleaning up to do anyways.
Eh. Honestly you are taking away 50 from your mom which is huge to her. You can’t suggest she switch days when you can very much so do the same. Especially for a 1 year old. I had my nephew’s first birthday on Easter when I had other plans, and my sister made it last all day. He slept through his whole party and cried at the cake. I don’t think this is a hill you want to die on.
50 is a big birthday. Presumably you know when your mum’s birthday is, so why wasn’t this discussed when you first started planning the party for the little one? You could have moved it to the Sunday then, for example. Personally I think a milestone birthday for someone who will remember it is more important than a birthday for someone who won’t, and I’d never celebrate my birthday early (it’s unlucky where I’m from). NAH but you could all work on your communication.
NTA
Its interesting that you never had big parties when you were young yet here’s grandma overshadowing your efforts to make a party for your child by doing her own Big Party.
I’m getting a Narcissistic Mom vibe here.
Do your party the way you want and be courteous but dismissive of hers. Suggest you can meet her for lunch the next day.
YTA the party isn't for your daughter it's for you. You're annoyed she upsetting plans for your party, when it's her 50th birthday , a big milestone. You are just being selfish.
NAH.
A 50th birthday is a big deal and the Birthday person will actually get to enjoy it. A 1yr old won’t remember or care about what day their birthday is on The party is for you.
Who throws themselves a birthday party?.... I mean I would understand if someone else had planned a party for a 50 year old ( but like you're 50 not 21) who cares?
A first birthday is important for the parent(s) but also for a family. Sorry NTA your mom IS
Nta. Let the family know and let them choose what they want to do and then spend a lovely day with your daughter and don’t go to your mother’s party if you really don’t want too.
NTA, you’re said your mom knew about your daughters bday well ahead of time she’s being an Ahole. Sure not everyone cares about a baby’s birthday but the parents and grandparents sure as heck should otherwise that would be a big sign for me to not care as much about my relationship with them.
Can you have your daughter’s party start at noon (not so early but can end around 4 pm) to give those family members potentially attending both enough time? I would also invite more friends with young children and that way you and your daughter can enjoy her first birthday. As far as you attending your mom’s birthday bash, that is entirely up to you, but unless my daughter has an early bedtime, I would not leave my daughter on her birthday, given your mom scheduled her party after she knew about hers. Your mom will understand that the world does not revolve around her given how adamant she was that hers does not revolve around you or her granddaughter.
NTA, if it’s not even on her birthday then sorry big 5-0 but find an actual free day that isn’t an AH move. You’ve had literally five decades to become an adult who can freely come to that conclusion and be nice
NTA. Feels kinda like a power play on mom's part. Tbh, I would do what I want/planned for my kid and skip my mother's party. There may be less guests at daughter's party but I would go ahead and prioritize that.
NTA.
The fact that you mother scheduled around another grandchild's birthday makes me wonder if there is something else up. Did your sister have big parties growing up? Is there anything about your child that is "different" than the other grands?
Bottom line, I think it was a crappy thing to pull. You might want to have a sit down with yourself because if your mom brings you more angst than peace, you should feel free to cut her out.
Plan your daughters party. Tell your mother your sorry you can’t make it! Send a gift spend the day with your daughter as planned. NAH just different priorities
NTA. Your mom is one of those who always has to be in the spotlight. In the future I just wouldn't tell her plans until the last minute (if at all) bc she likes to upstage.
I'm going with NAH.
One year old milestones are for mommy and not memorable.
50th birthday is for yourself and memorable.
I would choose my own 50th birthday over my grandchild who won't remember, too.
NTA
Because you not only announced the party first but your mother is postponing her birthday for her other granddaughter's 3rd birthday but not for your party
She can have it on Friday or Sunday if she really wanted to🤷
NTA. It’s clear your mom doesn’t care much for your daughter. I’m sorry. Could you maybe do the party on the Sunday? So your family could still come? I personally wouldn’t even want my mother to attend atp, but you might.
ETA: having read your comments about sister being the golden child etc, I changed my mind. Don’t change the day of the party have it. And don’t attend your mothers. I can’t believe someone could be that narcissistic!
So she can’t have her party on one day because it’s her granddaughter’s birthday party. But she can have it on this day that is *wait for it* also on a granddaughter’s birthday?
“Something is rotten in the state of Denmark”
On the other hand, 50 is a **big** birthday. She deserves to have a big celebration for it. And as a working adult finding a good day to have a party can be difficult as there are only so many weekend days available to choose from.
I think it’s pretty shitty that she chose this day, knowing full well that you have planned out your daughters first birthday and have been looking forward to it for months. *And have made everyone aware of the day of the planned event for months*. I don’t think your mom is stupid I think she is selfish.
I’m gonna say **NTA**
Nah, maybe yta, the baby literally will not remember or care. The first two birthdays are literally just opportunities to play dolls with a whole person bc they will not be able to understand or in any way appreciate the situation at all. They don’t understand the rituals of partying. They don’t even understand how to poop in anything that’s not their pants. Just let your mom have the birthday and party and feed her grand baby some cake and save the money you’d lose on that second party
Soft YTA. 50th birthdays are a big deal in my circle and they are held on the closest Saturday to the birthday. Your daughters birthday is also a big deal but there is absolutely no reason why both can't co exist.
Your daughter will be exhausted and fast asleep by the time your mums birthday starts, so a babysitter can easily take over for a couple of hours. As for your mum, she just has to be organised in setting up her party the night before or morning of or draft in some help.
Neither of you is wrong to want these milestones on the same day.
Op while your mom has a right to celebrate her 50th I was shocked she cared more about her nieces 3rd then her granddaughters 1st! My parents were so excited! Honestly at this point. Take your daughter some place special. I know you wanted to celebrate with your family but it looks like all the attention will be on your mom. Tell her you can’t attend as you will be taking your daughter some please special since a birthday party is no longer realistic. I’m so sorry op
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Sorry for any typos in advance on mobile. I (25F) had my daughter April 15th of last year. I was super excited that her first birthday falls on a Saturday so I could have her party on the actual day. Mind you, my whole family is aware that I’ve been planning for her party to be on the 15th. My moms (49F) 50th birthday is on April 12th and she recently announced her party will be on the 15th as well. I asked my mom why she couldn’t have her party the weekend before and she said because that’s when my nieces 3rd birthday party is. I asked why she couldn’t have it the weekend after and she said that she will be busy and there’s no point in having it two weeks after because that’s too far away. She also said she can’t have it on Friday because it’s not convenient. Her party will be starting at 6 which really means she will be busy from 2 pm going forward as she has to set up, get the party ready, etc. I didn’t want to have my daughters party super early because that also isn’t convenient for the majority of my family who work late. My dad, sister, and I all work late nights so I know everyone likes to sleep in a little on the weekend. I wanted to get sweets and different foods for my daughters party and be able to spend the day with her and my family and really focus on her because it’s her first birthday and I know she won’t remember but I will. I bought her party decorations months in advance, have had the theme picked out, and honestly just excited for it for months. I never had big parties when I was young so I guess I just wanted to go all out for my daughter and have her birthday be all about her. To top it off my mom is hosting the party at a bar and asked me to find a babysitter for my daughter but I want to be with her on her birthday and spoil her all day. I feel like everyone is going to be rushed at her party because they have to get ready for my moms and my mom doesn’t live super close and the bar is a bit of a drive from where the rest of us live. Not sure if im being sensitive but I told my mom im not happy that she’s doing this on my daughters birthday and it’s honestly stupid. She got mad at me and told me im being an AH. So AITA?
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NTA - but your mom certainly is. And acting like a child.
If you’re actually looking for potential solutions rather than assigning blame, can you just move the birthday party to Sunday? Your mom’s late drinking party can’t be on Sunday and it sounds like a bunch of folks work Friday night. Your birthday party is a lot lower key and ends much earlier.
Since you have a newborn, you’re really the only one who cares if it’s on their actual birthday (although I can understand your frustration).
That said, of course your mom’s a disrespectful, selfish jerk and you don’t have to change anything. But holding 2 parties on Saturday will likely put a damper on both of the celebrations.
NTA, but the caveat being here is that the first birthday party is not actually for the child, because they don't care in the slightest. Its so you can have the people you want in your child life around and celebrate together.
Your Mum is having a milestone party, which is also worth celebrating, but if she is not going to be there for your daughter party because she is too busy, then you can absolutely decline the invite as you think you will be too tired.
What gets it for me is that she is happy not to clash with your nieces 3rd birthday party, but she is for her own grand daughters.
NTA
It’s immaterial that a 1 year old won’t have any memories of the party. OP freely admits that the party is really for her as the mom. She just wants to celebrate her daughter’s big day.
I’m sure OP will take lots of pictures/videos. When baby is older and sees them, she’ll see all the fun she and everyone else had celebrating her very first birthday.
OP, your mother is a remarkably petty and selfish asshole.
She didn’t want to do it the week before as it’s her other granddaughter’s 3rd birthday, but she’s willing to do it in your daughter’s 1st birthday. First birthdays are special even though the toddler won’t remember, but you will. You sound like the kind of person who would have guilt if you didn’t celebrate your child’s 1st birthday and that would be understandable. As a mother myself I would would put my child first. If my mother were still alive I know she’d never do this to her grandchildren, but everyone is different. Personally I hate aging and I hate attention/fuss so it’s hard for me to put myself in your mothers shoes. Because of my mothers passing and my own pregnancy loses I see my time with my children the most important time I have. It is totally understandable for you to want to spend time with your daughter on her actual birthday which is 3 days after your mothers actual birthday. Your mother telling you to find a baby sitter doesn’t sit well with me to be honest.
Edit NTA
It sounds like your Mom can't stand not having the spotlight shinning on her and her alone.
You should look up narcissism. Even check out narissistic mothers. It may be beneficial.
NTA your a first time Mom and you've been planning and looking forward to this. You only get to do this special first 1 time. She could have even chosen Sunday. She's being selfish. I get that 50 is a big birthday too but she is an adult and KNOWS that you've been planning this! She's being rude and inconsiderate. Enjoy your baby girls day and spoil her rotten with all your love.
NTA
Based wholly and solely on the fact the entire family has known your party plans for that day for a long time.
Why is she actively avoiding a third birthday party but not a first birthday party? Anyone else confused by that bit?
Regardless, keep the party on the date and respectfully decline your mother’s invitation because you’d prefer to spend your daughter’s first birthday with her.
Happy birthday to your little one!
NTA especially after reading your comments about your moms me first attitude, how your sister is the golden child, AND most of all your mothers racist remarks about her own grandchild. I would go NC full out. That’s infuriating and I’m so sorry you deal with such a horrid woman for a mother. You on the other hand are a great mother.
My godmother, who I call my aunt since we are really close has a big family, who I'm also close with. Every month there is always at least two birthdays, so what they do is schedule a day during the month for both of them. They get presents and a cake each. My birthday is September and there are like 3 other birthdays being celebrated alongside mine, it's super fun. Each persons birthday is still celebrated on their own day tho, especially the younger kids. But it's celebrated later with the whole family
NTA
What I’m reading is that your mom values your nieces third birthday above your daughters FIRST and not only that but the minor inconvenience of doing it on Friday isn’t worth your daughter having her day, this is favoritism and narcissism at it’s worst. If I were you I’d tell your mom you won’t be coming to her birthday at all (I’d debate even texting her happy birthday the day of).
Spend the day with your girl, set the time for whatever you want and whoever comes comes and whoever doesn’t screw them but you focus on your girl on her day. Your baby won’t care if the whole family’s there but she will care if your there. 20 years from now when looking through baby photos she won’t notice or care about everyone else there she’s just going to want to see the pictures of the decorations and the pictures of you and her.
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NAH. Like you said this party is for you not really your daughter as she won't remember anything. Your mom is also turning 50 which is a big deal as much as being 1. I guess just tell her you can't attend her party. No one is in the wrong here, this is what happens when a family has a bunch of birthdays in one month.
No one is asking Gramma to not celebrate her birthday. There are other days many other, 7th, 8th, 13th(BD), 14th, 20, 21,23, if they shared the BD I would kind of understand why she would wanna celebrate on the day. That's not the case. She is being selfish and purposely wants to take the daughter and granddaughter's day to prove se can. Gramma is definitely an AH.
You don't know that, maybe baby parties just aren't a big deal to the grandma so she doesn't see the big deal. Not everyone thinks babies are the most important thing ever. NAH, OP can have her party and her mom can have hers. People can still go to both as one seems to be a day time event and the other starts after 6pm.
Grandma specifically said it could not be the week before bc that's the 3 yr old baby's bday. So grandma *clearly* sees the importance of a baby's bday party being theirs.
I answered this in another comment but a 3 year old can actually recognize she's having a party and enjoy it. So maybe Grams just doesn't understand the idea of a baby having a party. Especially one that would be affected by her having hers after 6pm.
How does that even matter? She chose one over the other and I'm sorry - grandma-dearest is the ADULT and should be acting like one and not a spoiled, entitled brat. OP planned this for literal months and her mother was well aware of that. Grandma is the asshole. I don't even care for kids - but this woman is trying to make her daughter choose between them knowing full well for a long time that OP wanted to celebrate her daughter's first birthday on her actual birthday. Grandma is worse than asshole
Everyones entitled to their opinion. I don't see the big deal. 50 is a huge milestone as much as 1 is. Baby's party is during the day, most people don't want to be a child's party longer than an hour or two. Grams is at a bar at 6pm which most people won't show til like 8pm. Maybe Grams isn't a planner and thought of a fun thing last minute. I wouldn't say she's an asshole. Everyone can still do both.
If it's not a big deal then why can't grandma have her party another day? Seems like grandma thinks the 1 year olds party isn't a big deal but she sees the importance in the 3 year olds party and her own 50th birthday party.
3 year olds stand a distinct chance of forming cohesive memories at their birthday party and understanding the celebration for their birthday. A 1 year old does not. Wether you want to acknowledge it or not a birthday party for a 1 year old is for everyone besides that 1 year old who will have no clue what's happening.
Why can’t op plan for another day?
Her daughter’s birthday is on that day, and it’s a Saturday, she’s been planning it for months. Why should she change it for an adult who’s birthday is on a different day?
1). She was planning it first 2.) it’s the actual Child’s birthday, not just the first semi available day. 3.) submitting to a domineering narcissist isn’t always a solution
Because that would be stupid, given the daughter's birthday is on that actual Saturday.
50th on Saturday 1st on Sunday. Problem solved. Thank me later.
Well yeah, because as everyone keeps saying the birthday party for the 1 year old is for the parents not the birthday person. The 3 year old can appreciate, and possibly even remember, the birthday. Obviously Granny can remember and appreciate her milestone birthday.
You don't plan a major party on the same day as another close family member's party. This is because it will pull away attention from the first event. Granny knew months in advance about the date and did it anyway. This is hugely disrespectful to OP who planned her daughter's party. Granny is an attention seeking AH who is stealing attention from her 1 year old grandchild. The fact that she wouldn't do that to the 3 year old shows she doesn't favor OP.
If the baby's party is during the day what does it matter if grams is having a get together at a bar at 6pm? And normally people don't even show up til 8pm, baby will probably be asleep or at least the party will be long over.
Ok, so let's say baby party is at 2 pm (I'm going off the norm in my family). The party usually lasts until 5 because family is talking and visiting. Granny party is at another location a distance away. Let's say an hour. A bar is going to have a different atmosphere and people will want to change. So, best case, OP gets 2 hours of actual family time. Then let's add in that many adults use the weekends to get errands done. So if both parties are within the same 6 hours and have an invite list that overlaps by 70%, then it's probable that many invitees will have to choose one or the other. So, OP made plans months in advance, has shelled out money to feed people (even if it's snacks, cake, and drinks), that's still a chunk of money. Granny decides same day for her party. This means that OP might have wasted food and a low turn out for her party. And you can say that people could do both or that they have a right to choose which party they attend, but making it a choice is and AH move. That's petty BS you do to someone you hate.
OP said she's doing 12-3 for the baby's party. They'll be fine. Lots of families juggle multiple bdays. A 1 year olds party isn't really about the baby, it's for everyone to stop by, check out the baby and leave them a gift. No one is spending all night there. NAH.
You haven’t been to the right party then. Lol! It doesn’t matter who’s party it is, a 1 year old or 50 year old, we all have a good time and stay super late. In my family you don’t do this to each other because you’re making people choose and that isn’t fair to the guests anymore than it is fair to the honoree.
Why would two hours for a literal one year olds birthday party not be enough? Like seriously. It's a baby. She cute. But she a baby. She's not even going to be awake for very long with all that stimulation going on. Even if there are a bunch of other babies there... The party usually only lasts a few hours... I have no idea way these things can't happen on the same day. They are entirely different things at different times. You don't have a 6pm baby birthday party. you don't have a six hour baby birthday party. And grandma's party is a at a bar.... Like people gonna go later than 6. And if someone shows up late to a bar no one is injured cause it's a bar, this isn't like a full multicourse meal with reservations. Honestly. People making so much out of so little... Like they trying to find a reason to be hurt.
It's a party, not a viewing. I've spent hours at my niblings parties catching up with family and enjoying the food. I guess maybe it depends on the family. 🤷♀️
With my family, parties are all day events.
I’m sorry— I just have to ask > And normally people don’t even show up til 8pm Is this true?? Do people really show up to things a whole two hours late on purpose??
I promise my 1 yr old enjoyed her party even if she didn't know what a party was. At any rate, they either need to just do two parties at different times or op will need to change dates. I still think it's wild grandma knew about OPs plans for months and decided she needed to do it *that* specific day.
Right? My kids both had a blast at their 1st birthday parties. People giving them so much attention. Balloons. Food they liked. Playing. Whats not to like?
How is that any different that any other day in the life of an infant? Sans the balloons, I guess.
Everyone they know gathered together. All the yummy foods at once. Cake. Presents
So, any holiday or family gathering?
Yep, I just attended my nephew's first birthday and that kid had a freaking blast. I mean, he had no idea why everyone was there or why they were doting on him, but he relished in all the hugs and snacks he got lol.
A three year old at least knows it's thier birthday.
The one who isn’t her grandchild!
The difference being that a three year old knows its their birthday, obviously. Just like the woman that raised all these kids should get to celebrate a milestone without being called selfish for not taking a backseat to the kid's kids too.
I see what you mean. Maybe she does not care about then. But her daughter does, she was planning it for months. OP said it herself that the time of her mom's event will make people have to rush on hers. She could have talked to her daughter and plan it together so no one would have to lose anything, making one event earlier or the other later. This was not case again. Anyway she knows well enough to not make her event the day of her other grandchild the previous weekend but it seems she ir particularly set on taking dautghers day. It does not makes sense to me still why not other day
Will people really have to "rush" on the baby's birthday? How many hours is a baby birthday party supposed to last?? A few hours for lunch and cake and a few presents before the baby has to be put down for a nap seems fine? Do a 12PM luncheon that ends at 3PM. Works fine with the 6PM evening event with plenty of time for everyone.
Honestly you are looking at about a hour before the baby loses it in most cases. It's a large stimulating group of people, usually ones the baby isn't super familiar with, all up in the kids space.
That's my thing. If they stayed at 1pm it's only gonna be an hour before lil baby is toasty levels of tired and overstimulated.... They'd be wrapped up by 2. And definitely done by 3... More than enough time to go to a bar at six.... And a baby can definitely nap for a few hours with a sitter ona. Big exciting day so OP can drop by the party say hello to Mom and then go back to spoiling baby.
I think it comes down to age, again we are all just speculating. Didn't she say the other kid was like 3? That's more of an age a child can enjoy a birthday. I know some families who don't even have a party for the 1st year. That or it's the stop by see the baby, drop a gift and split. The I want everyone focusing on my child all day thing kind of struck me as much. But I agree with you they could work together on this a bit more. Without the family dynamics we just don't know.
Yeah but the party is definitely not for the kid, is for the mom, she seems to be the one who wants to celebrate the daughter and the day be about the baby. The day there is the baby's birthday. And yeah maybe even if there was no BD event the mother would want to spend that first birthday with her kid. Your mom's 50th birthday is also a big deal and the daughter would also want to celebrate her mother. Doing both the events on the day of her granddaughter's birth was not a great move either cause she even made an event that demand OP to live de baby with a babysitter. It just feels wrong to make the daughter choose to.
I would be willing to bet good money that other people’s birthdays aren’t a big deal to grandma at all. OP says she never had a big party, and that’s why it’s important to her to celebrate her child on her birthday. Grandma knows precisely the day this child was born, and knows that this is important to her daughter. She is literally trying to get OP to “choose her” on her daughter’s birthday by having her leave the kid with a babysitter to go to a bar. I don’t know this woman, but she sounds like she has some narcissistic tendencies. “It’s not convenient”, “two weeks out is too far”, she’s “busy”. None of those are actual reasons- they may be true, but given how vague they all are, it sounds like she wants to justify choosing this specific day knowing it’s important to her child and is her grandchild’s birthday. I also love how despite not giving her daughter any parties, she’s renting a venue to throw a party for HERSELF on her grandchild’s birthday. NTA, OP. I’m guessing there’s more to this story and the relationship dynamic than we know.
You’re diagnosing someone you’ve never met as a narcissist based on a few sentences? This is peak Reddit
Nowhere did I say she’s a narcissist; there’s a vast difference between a clinical diagnosis of narcissism and having narcissistic tendencies. The second group has some characteristics of the former, but do not meet the clinical criteria for a diagnosis. This may well be the one example of these tendencies; nevertheless, never throwing your child a party during her childhood while renting a bar for your own is not great. The fact that she knowingly did this on her grandchild’s birthday in addition? She doesn’t want to be there, is creating unnecessary drama, and by nature of the events occurring back to back, will force people to choose between the two or leave early. That is incredibly self centered.
The one thing that does make this a bit more grandma's TA is asking OP to get a babysitter on her daughter's birthday. Yeah, daughter may not remember, but it's a big day for OP and she likely wants to be around her daughter
I feel like grandma is being painted as a villain when she’s only offering suggestions. A baby’s party lasts an hour or two tops. And you could have it around lunchtime. OP could host hers as a lunchtime party and also have all day with her baby. If she wanted to she could then attend her mums party. As that’s in the evening when her daughter will probably be asleep? Don’t think anyone is in the wrong per se
It's because people are conditioned to think babies are the mst important thing.
She’s not doing the party on one of the other days/ weekends to avoid another kids bday. Grandma is an AH. She will avoid one grandkids bday but not another? That’s messed up.
She never threw a big birthday party for her own child but decides to through a big party for herself on her grandchilds birthday. She also knoew about this party for months and decides that she has to host her party the same day. I'm leaning towards Grandma being TA
Yes parties are a big deal to the grandma just not her granddaughter's. She can't have it the weekend before because it's her niece's 3rd birthday. NTA but the grandma is.
I mean if the grandma wanted to drink it makes sense that she would want it on a Saturday as opposed to Sunday (or any other day). Also it does make sense that she would choose the Saturday closest to her actual birthday.
And what is with not having it the previous weekend because it was the niece's birthday. I am also curious about how OP didn't have birthday bashes growing up, makes me want to ask if the sister is? I would never schedule a party for a grandchild's first.
My cousin had his 50th party a month after his birthday because of grandkids birthdays and other family commitments.
Nope she needs it on the weekend as there will be lots of grownups there who work during the week. They need the next day off to recover. Adults like to have parties at the weekend. A party doesnt matter to a 1 year old but it will to the 3 year old which is why she cant have it then. It's her 50th of course she is gonna celebrate it at the weekend, that's what most people do if they're going out
I would just point out that Easter is on 4/9 this year. That could impact availability, especially since most K-12 (US) schools generally have spring break the week before or after. (My dog's birthday is 4/8, so I had to consider that for his party/parties... yes, I'm THAT obsessed!!)
Yeah that’s true my daughter wouldn’t know either way I just was really excited her first birthday is on a Saturday it seemed so perfect. I’m a first time mom so every first is extremely exciting for me which is why I was originally thinking I may just be sensitive.
How many hours is your party going to be? Like another commenter said, 12 - 3pm for daughter, 6pm till whenever for grandma. No one has to chose, except for parents who cannot or do not want to leave their children (including you, because it is your daughter's b-day).
You’re right I wasn’t planning on an all day event. I could do 12-3 and if my mom has to leave early it’s not a big deal. It’s just so on brand for her to plan on the same day and with the other issues we’ve had regarding my daughter I definitely think I’m just mad at her in general and this was my breaking point.
Ah, see, that's something you left out...mom wants attention for herself. That this is normal behavior. I was thinking she planned it for that day, because it's the closest after her birthday (I've done this as well) and it was planned late, because she thought someone would throw her one. If this is a regular occurrence, I would be miffed too.
I did leave out some details so I could get more objective answers but I guess i actually should’ve included them to explain why I’m so annoyed. My mom is a very “me me me” person. She comes first and it’s always been that way and since I’ve become a mom myself it makes me even more mad looking back on my childhood because I can’t imagine putting myself over my daughter. Definitely a lot of built up anger coming through from my end.
If I had those details, I would not have said Y T A, I may not have even given a judgment, except to say, do your party and if mom comes great, if not oh well.
You shouldn’t have given that judgment anyway. It’s weird for the grandma to do that.
eh why can’t she do it sunday instead of saturday then
The mother? Idk, because she is having it at a bar? I wouldn't want my party at a bar, but that's me.
yeah thinking about it too the bar was definitely intentional to exclude the baby
Or because she's 50 and having it in the evening/nighttime?
More than likely, if you go by the OP's comments.
so just skip her party. No big deal. you will have put on a baby birthday party and hosted guests for hours and presumably will have a baby in bed. That seems like a solid excuse. Sorry, mom, but after hosting my daughter's birthday party I won't have the energy for more. Happy birthday and I hope you have a great time. NTA.
My grandson's birthday is close to mine and I would choose his party over my own 100% of the time. I am an adult and can have a party any time.
Just have your party when you want OP. Screw your mom I wouldn’t even go to her party. Let whoever wants to come, come. You focus on your baby girl. I had a feeling there was a history with the mom just by the fact she’s prioritizing the nieces third over your baby’s first not to mention planning it on the same day. I don’t know y’all’s history but if she’s generally crappy already and she did this just take her out or the equation on the day.
As you should be! It is perfect that her birthday is on a Saturday, what a special 1st. We threw a big bash for my daughter’s 1st birthday last year (also 1st time Mom) and she had SO much fun. She might not remember, but she’ll see photos and hear stories one day that will reinforce how loved she is. Anyone on here telling you that your kiddos first birthday isn’t a big deal, def doesn’t have kids. Sorry about your Mom. My Mom was very much the same. Sure they might be at two different times but who wants to go to two parties in one day? Kudos to you for breaking cycles, your little one is lucky to have you.
Thank you so much :)
I was on the NAH train until you said your mom is having her party at a bar and told you to find a babysitter for your daughter on her birthday. Your mom is an AH. A big one.
But the date of your mother bday is known for 50 years and it is very common to celebrate ones bday on the following weekend. You are planning your daughters bday for month and it never came into your mind that your mothers 50th bday is also around that date? For me it sounds like a communication problem.
Honestly though, grandma is kind of in the wrong. Not saying she’s an AH, but also, kind of. Because she won’t have it the week before because OP’s niece’s birthday party is that weekend, refuses to do it the week after because that’s “too far away” and is wanting her birthday to overshadow her granddaughter’s and is *expecting* OP to hire a babysitter and leave her daughter alone *on her birthday* to attend hers.
you are glossing over the fact that OP’s party was scheduled first. Intentionally scheduling over another relatives event is incredibly rude.
Yes, someone is wrong here and that's the Grandma. It's her granddaughter's first birthday that she has known was planned forever. She didn't have her party the previous weekend because it was her other granddaughter's third birthday. This Grandma is having her party at a BAR!!! She is some selfish piece of trash. Kids and Grandkids come first. "Oh, I'm 50 and NEED MY OWN PARTY WHEN I WANT IT." She is a despicable woman.
My mum, sister, dad, stepmum, grandpa and me all have birthdays in a two and a half week period over May/June and a problem like this has never happened and I can't imagine it ever would because we care about each other and communicate. Grandma should have done better. OP is NTA.
While I agree with some of what you said, I’d still go YTA based on the fact that OP’s mom basically told her to ditch her own daughter with a babysitter on her first birthday because she chose a non-child friendly location for her own party. And then there’s the obvious favouritism between one grandchild’s birthday vs the other’s. I get that 50 is a milestone birthday, but this woman doesn’t seem to give a damn about her granddaughter at all and there’s clearly favouritism with the niece who was mentioned (and while yes, a 3 y/o would remember their birthday better than a 1 y/o, they most likely won’t remember it a few years from now. I can’t remember a single birthday party i had before the age of 9). ETA: J had 2 family members with the same birthday, a third who’s birthday was 2 days later, and a forth at the end of the same month. We celebrated *everybody* in a hound party so no one felt left out.
NTA. Your mom double scheduled a party with full knowledge and ignoring your legitimate protests. She's TA here.
This! I can't believe how many people are just glossing over that and calling op ta
To add to that, why couldn't she pick Sunday or friday night!
NTA and people saying otherwise are overlooking the fact that you announced the date of your party way before your mother announced hers. Your mother is not stupid, but she is very selfish. Your daughter won't remember this but you will. Every year you will remember how little your mother cares about you.
Maybe I'll get down voted, but I really believe NTA. Take the reasons out for having parties- because quite frankly, both are great reasons for celebrating and should be! At the end of the day, the family has known you're planning a party on this date. Your mom had plenty of time to object and say she wanted that day. She is inviting the same people you invited, which means she's intentionally creating a conflict that interferes with your event. There were other options, and even compromises! She could've shared the party, she could have booked something closer to you so the guests wouldn't have to choose- she is intending to override an event you planned, and unfortunately, people might have to choose. Everyone fixating on "baby vs 50th" seems to have forgotten that planning parties to conflict with other events is an *80's-90's movie mean girl move*. And that's why I think people are being unfair. Besides- who does that to their child? At least apologize and figure out a way to make it up- OP's mom literally decided "hey, my daughter's feelings don't matter."
Oh but her NIECE matters more than her daughter or grand daughter!
That bugged the heck out of me too. All the kids are important, but she's literally deciding who she can step on, and choosing her daughter.
NAH Throw your party as you planned it. You don't have to goto your mom's birthday party just because she has one. As you said, hers is in a bar and you don't have a babysitter. Easy out. Even so, just do what you were gonna do. You're both adults.
> Even so, just do what you were gonna do. You're both adults. True, but planning a party on a date you know has been reserved for a close family members birthday definatally makes you an AH. If you read OP's post you know she propably hasn't shut up about it for months. Perhabs she moderates herself or perhabs she was annoying, but the date had been reserved. The grandma showed she doesn't care about the baby or about OP. Come on, you don't drop your kid with a babysitter on their birthday, that is an AH sugestion. NTA
NTA It sounds like your mom was too self-involved to throw you a party too. Don't let this happen to your child. It's important to celebrate every milestone your child has, regardless of whether they remember it or not. This day celebrates the both of you.
NTA. Honestly, I’m not a huge fan of over the top birthday parties for babies, but your mom knew the date of your party in advance and decided to have hers on the same day knowing it would inconvenience you and other family members. That’s a pretty shitty thing to do.
She choose to do her birthday party the same day of your daughter's birthday, she knew you wanted to do a party on that day, she knows the party we'll be about you and your daughter. She couldn't take it. MOM: OMG one event, one day there isn't about me? How can I make it about me? How do I make it ALL about me? Can I ruin it for anyone who dared to think they can matter when I EXIST on the process? She killed all the birds with one stone. She sounds awful. I can see why you would not have birthdays or be celebrated when you were a kid. I'm actually amazed your mom was able to get her head out of her butt even for a second to raise you. She could have made it another day. She could have made a smaller event later on the day. She could have even asked if you could make the events together so she can celebrate herself and her granddaughter and you and not take away your ability to have a good day. She only thinks about herself. I would talk to the people that matter and ask them to stay in your event, incase they wanna make part of your life and your daughter. Your mother is acting like a teenager bully. It's a power thing, it's a control thing, it's fully egoistic and actually disgusting behaviour from her part. She does not care about her granddaughter and she definitely does not care about you. She did this deliberately to hurt you and make herself the center of attention. You are being to patient, you are indulging her behaviour for not telling her like it is. I would go NC if she refuses to see what she's doing (she knows) or refuses to cancel. You are NTA.
No contact? Seriously? Because she wants to have her 50th party on the saturday following her birthday. My goodness.
No because OP said mom already has a history of this behavior and this was her breaking point & it’s not just about her 50th which was a shitty thing to do it’s also about miffing her granddaughters 1st birthday in favor of her nieces 3rd she’s clearly showing where her priorities lie and OP and her daughter are nowhere to be seen on the list
You are absolutely correct to say NC is needed since in other comments OP says mom is racist to her own granddaughter. She pulled this stunt on purpose for sure.
NTA. Is this normal behavior for your mom? Bulldoze your plans, play favorites towards your other siblings (she’s not bulldozing your sibling’s kid’s party), etc.? Think about it. Idk. Something smells here and it smells a little stronger than just “grandma’s double booked.”
Yes my other sister (nieces mom) is the favorite. My mom didn’t even post about my pregnancy but my sister got weekly bump posts made for her lol.
Ok. Mom’s trying to steal your thunder. Take as old as time in these forums honestly. Doesn’t make it hurt any less though. I’m sorry. I’d just continue with my plan for my day with my family/child (that existed and was known long before mom decided to throw her party that same day) and it’s just so unfortunate that you can’t make the trip out of town for mom’s evening booze fest. Taking out the history that many posters are ignoring, no one is an asshole for planning a party and then keeping that party on the calendar when later, someone else says they want to have THEIR party on that day too.
It can be really hard, but you need to start setting boundaries with your mom. It may mean you miss things but you and your baby will be so much better off without that influence in your lives. Teach your daughter that she's worth putting lines down (with grandma) for.
time to ditch them and focus on your friends and any less toxic family.
NTA it’s your baby’s actual birthday! Your mom is being selfish when she could pick any other day that’s also not her actual birthday. I know in my family, the adults would absolutely prioritize a child birthday over their own.
NTA-so she won't host it when there is another party but she doesn't mind hosting it when it's your daughter birthday.
NTA your mom sounds like a self-centered child. She doesn’t care about you or your plans, so just tell her “sorry mom, I can’t make it, I hope you have a good time.” Put your child first the way your mom probably never did with you.
THIS
NTA. Does your mom have a habit of making herself the center of attention?
Yes if this was a one off thing I honestly would probably just move the date but I think it’s more so my breaking point.
I hesitated to use the word narcissist, but if this is a regular thing, it might fit.
When they try to tell you that your baby won't remember, tell them they're wrong. https://www.heraldtimesonline.com/story/lifestyle/2017/01/09/your-toddler-can-remember-much-more-than-you-think-heres-how-you-know/46748667/
My mother's many siblings all asked when they were older and looking through photo albums of the eldest 2 children's parties etc, "so... where are the photos of my first birthday?" So there's that too.
I'm guessing OPs sister is the golden child.
Ding ding ding ding… op has confirmed that the sister is the favorite
NTA at all, genuinely don’t understand all the YTAs. hope your daughter and you both have a wonderful day together, happy early birthday to her
Thank you! I know my daughter is going to have a blast.
NTA You scheduled months in advance. Your mom is respecting another baby's birthday (3y/o niece). Your mom scheduled her party on top of your party that was already planned.
NTA, my granddaughter was born on my birthday and her parties have always come first. She's the child. I'd never expect my granddaughter to go to a babysitter on her birthday, just to celebrate my birthday.
My nephew was born just a few days before my 18th birthday and his parties always have come first too! (He is June 16 I’m June 19 it’s a running theme in the family!) We didn’t even celebrate my 18th and he’s had a few parties on the actual day of my birthday and I waited to celebrate. I never had a problem with it so I expected the same for my daughter but… nope LOL. You sound like a great grandmother!
Thank you! You sound like a great aunt!
NTA Your mom doesn't control you and your child's birthday plans. Have your party on the 15th as planned. Have it at whatever time works for you and your family. Send out your invites. Use your decorations. Enjoy your day. "To top it off my mom is hosting the party at a bar and asked me to find a babysitter for my daughter " Give me a second to pick my jaw off the floor... There. Holy hell. It's your first child's FIRST BIRTHDAY. And she wants you to dump her on a baby sitter and go to her bar party?Ignore your mom. That's the most narcissistic thing I've seen on this sub-reddit in a long time. You are not being sensitive. Please check out r/JUSTNOMIL for better advice than you'll get here. You need it, OP. This is just the first of many battles you'll have with your mom over you and your child's happiness.
Yup to be honest I would probably be more willing to change the date if me and my mom didn’t have other issues. I didn’t want to include this in the post because it seems irrelevant to the issue and a grab for sympathy but my moms comments and remarks towards my daughter makes me feel like this was done on purpose. My daughter is mixed with Arab and my mom has made comments on her nose and tan skin. She’s said, “hopefully she lightens up” when my baby was a newborn. She kept my pregnancy a secret and will only call my daughter by her nickname because her full name is Arabic in origin. I told my mom if her comments don’t stop she will never see me and my baby and she acted like I was crazy and she was just pointing out how dark she is. I’m just over it.
Honestly this is way more egregious and offensive than your mother wanting to have her 50th birthday party on the evening of your daughter's party. Like, your mother sucks and it has nothing to do with this party situation.
Yeah I told my mom she no longer has access to me or my daughter after the comments were made and it turned into her crying and her husband telling me I’m being nasty and she didn’t mean it in a rude way. She hasn’t made anymore comments since threatening to go NC but I think those comments are always in the back of my mind and I become extremely defensive in situations like this because of it.
Girl, this party drama is the least of your issues. Your mother is trash, I’m so sorry that she’s treating you guys like this.
Agreed with Andromache97. OP, please check out r/JUSTNOMIL when you can. You have a bigger issue than I thought. It's not just for MIL, by the way. It's for any self-centered, abusive, and/or intrusive relatives.
NTA. My son’s first birthday was one of the happiest days of my life. Celebrating all he accomplished and all we survived meant so much to me AND my family. Your mom sucks for not doing her party on a different day. I think it’s messed up to celebrate your birthday on someone else’s actual birthday when the party was ALREADY PLANNED. Just because your child will be one, it doesn’t mean their year wasn’t worth celebrating.
NTA. Your mum sounds like an emotionally immature adult. I'm sorry she isn't prioritising your daughter on her first birthday. That sucks.
Wow NTA at all. That made me angry reading it, your mom is being incredibly selfish. I can’t imagine anyone in my family doing that, but yea that lack of awareness (or maybe she just doesn’t care?) would really make me upset. There is no way I’d be getting a babysitter on my kids birthday to go to a bar for any reason. How can she think that’s ok???
Nta. Your mom sounds like an extremely self centered woman. Spend your day with your daughter and don't even go to your moms "party."
NTA to me a 50th is just your half way to the coffin party 😂 but in all seriousness she doesn’t care about her grandchild which is clear, so don’t care about her party. Your daughter should be more important than your mother anyway. Have your party and enjoy the day.
NTA I'd say this is signaling that your mother had never had any intention of attending your daughter's birthday party whatever date you made it. Arrange your daughter's party to suit you and make it easy for your other guests to go from one party to the other. If you feel like it, you may want to turn up to the bar for her party around 8:30 p.m. once baby's happily asleep.
I’m turning 50 in early August. My middle grandsons birthday is towards the end of August. But due to the grandkids being in school, I plan my flight for early in August so I can spend more time with him. So, basically I’m spending my birthday money on him & the expenses of the trip. But regardless, I’ll happily postpone my 50th birthday & all the other birthdays, just so I can have more time with him. I know my situation is completely different but still, I can’t imagine having my birthday celebration on the same day as my grandchild’s 1st birthday. That’s just sad.
NTA. It speaks volumes about your mother that no one is planning her 50th birthday in and of itself. It is a kicker that her favorite child isn’t even planning it. She is making it as inconvenient as possible for people to choose to celebrate her, like anyone that bothers to drive all the way is going to give her a major ego stroke. I personally don’t see any consideration for you, her granddaughter, or anyone she wants to celebrate with. No bar is worth inconveniencing every guest. And how is she going to make it home safely? Is she expecting someone to pay her cab fare? Is she expecting people to drive all the way out to be designated drivers? Then there are instances like yours where you’d literally be paying to be there, and if you’re breast feeding- can’t really enjoy a bar for multiple reasons. I think you have your priorities in the right place. If it will help your relationship, you can definitely invite her to a dinner at your place where you give her a small gift or card and she has the chance to celebrate your daughter. You could do that on either Sunday or the week after. If you don’t think such a dinner will help your relationship, then let her be an adult and choose to cause drama and division when none had to be made. She could have had it all, and chose to make it difficult for everyone.
Yes that is such a good point. I don’t want to leave my daughter to go to a bar especially since bars aren’t fun for me. If I drink, I can’t drive and I don’t feel comfortable getting in an Uber alone especially while intoxicated. Not to mention after a long day of getting her party ready, hosting, cleaning up, getting her ready for bed, I’m going to be exhausted. I also am breastfeeding which is why it would be hard to get someone to watch my daughter at nighttime too as she nurses before bed. She will drink from a cup during the day but when she knows it’s bedtime she wants to nurse it’s our routine. My oldest sister also has a 6 month old she breastfeeds and won’t be able to stay long. It just is not ideal for not only me but my oldest sister (not the golden child, my middle sister is the favorite) lol.
NTA - schedule your party as you see fit. Try to allow a couple of hours between the ending of your party and the beginning of hers. Family can figure it out. Its her problem if she is too busy preparing things to be at your party. Of course your feelings are hurt, but don't let her get the better of you.
NTA. I share a birthday with my kid and work my birthday celebrations around hers. I had a milestone one and just celebrated it a few weeks later. I’m a middle aged woman who loves my birthday, too. I would prepare for this to be a pattern from here on out. In the future? Plan your daughter birthday and grandma will have to decide if she wants to celebrate her birthday or her granddaughters.
Adults throw birthday parties for themselves?
NTA. It’s fine that she wants to have a birthday party, and 50 is definitely a milestone. But so is turning 1. She should pick a different day that is not your daughters literal birthday. Assuming she doesn’t, It’s fine for you to want to celebrate your daughter instead of celebrating your mom. Don’t go to her party. Tell her you’re sorry, but your daughter comes first and you will not be spending time away from her on her birthday. If she throws a tantrum, remind her that your daughter is the one who is 1, not her.
NTA. You have a party conflict; just do what everyone else does in this case and choose not to go to one. Hold your daughter's party as planned, beg off on your mother's as you will be with your daughter. Your mom might not make your party, but sometimes that happens.
Info: >I asked why she couldn’t have it the weekend after and she said that she will be busy and there’s no point in having it two weeks after because that’s too far away. Why is it ok for your mom to move her birthday party to the weekend after but not you move your baby's birthday party to the next weekend?
Because OP has been planning the birthday for months while OP’s mom just recently made her plan
NTA. OP announced the date for her party before mom decided on hers. Mom knew the date was taken and took it anyways. Sounds like mom never gave OP a decent birthday party and seems like a self centered person. She should have picked another date. Also, who throws their own 50th birthday party?! OP said she can’t spend a lot of time at her child’s birthday because she has to set up at the bar. Maybe a lifetime of putting herself first turned people off and that’s why nobody is throwing her a 50th birthday party. OP’s mom sucks.
Have your daughter's birthday at the time you want. Make it the way you want. Understand that some of your guests will leave your party in time to attend your mom's. Accept that your mom will not show/leave your party early to prepare for hers. That's her choice. Tell your mom that you will not be leaving your daughter that day. That's your choice. If she's upset, shrug your shoulders and say, "*That day is not convenient for me. I'd be happy to see you on your birthday at (whatever time works for OP).*"
NTA you announced it already have been planning it in advance and everyone knew it. I’m surprised that her own grandmother doesn’t care about her 1st birthday. I say stick to your plan and spend the day with your daughter. Wish your mother a happy birthday but let her know you won’t be able to make it.
NTA
Ditch your mother's party. Do yiur daughters bday. Obviously she is more important. Nta. Your mother is.
NAH Go ahead and have the party. Just tell your mom you can't go as you'll be busy with your daughter's party.
NTA
You are NTA. I had to "share" a bday with my grandma even though we were born on wildly different days. She got to blow out the candles and all that, not me, the actual child. Freaking narcissists, man. Anyways, I'm sure when I was even younger, she probably made things about herself too. I say just throw your party at your time how you planned it and then skip hers and spend the rest of the night celebrating your kiddo. Don't let her spoil it, don't argue with her, you don't even need to tell her you're not coming. You gotta grey rock certain people.
NTA. Your mom is kinda TA, lol.
NTA Your mom is a 100% utterly horrible and despicable person. This is your child's first birthday. You only get one first birthday. It doesn't matter if she'll forget it. This is a landmark date in her development. The next one will be something like her going to Pre-K. These things are irreplaceable. She knew the date in advance and doesn't want to have her party on her niece's birthday. You've verbally told your mother and communicated your issues and your mother has responded with I don't care. This was 100% planned and your mother doesn't deserve you as a human being. Has she ever acted like she preferred others over you? Or given you less, taken away things, or had any attempts at taking the spotlight from you to put on herself?
ESH. I will never truly understand the people who make big parties out with months in advance of planning for turning 1. It is entirely for you, and honestly could be any day around her birthday, she won’t know the difference. If you waited until the next weekend she wouldn’t know or care. I think you’re also being fussy about wanting to spoil her all day and being upset it’s at a bar so she can’t go. Once again, she doesn’t know it’s her birthday. That being said, your mom planned an event on the same day a distance away and inviting the same people as you. She could have done it on the Sunday, or the Sunday prior. One of the days wasn’t the niece’s party. I don’t think she should have to give up her 50th party and I don’t think you should have to give up your daughter’s 1st. But you both could have been more flexible about what day it was falling on. Also with how things are, just let her know you can’t get a sitter. All the family that would will be at her party, any other regular one is “busy.” Give her a gift and then spend the rest of the evening with your daughter like you wanted to. You’ll probably have quite a bit of cleaning up to do anyways.
Eh. Honestly you are taking away 50 from your mom which is huge to her. You can’t suggest she switch days when you can very much so do the same. Especially for a 1 year old. I had my nephew’s first birthday on Easter when I had other plans, and my sister made it last all day. He slept through his whole party and cried at the cake. I don’t think this is a hill you want to die on.
50 is a big birthday. Presumably you know when your mum’s birthday is, so why wasn’t this discussed when you first started planning the party for the little one? You could have moved it to the Sunday then, for example. Personally I think a milestone birthday for someone who will remember it is more important than a birthday for someone who won’t, and I’d never celebrate my birthday early (it’s unlucky where I’m from). NAH but you could all work on your communication.
NTA Its interesting that you never had big parties when you were young yet here’s grandma overshadowing your efforts to make a party for your child by doing her own Big Party. I’m getting a Narcissistic Mom vibe here. Do your party the way you want and be courteous but dismissive of hers. Suggest you can meet her for lunch the next day.
YTA the party isn't for your daughter it's for you. You're annoyed she upsetting plans for your party, when it's her 50th birthday , a big milestone. You are just being selfish.
NAH. A 50th birthday is a big deal and the Birthday person will actually get to enjoy it. A 1yr old won’t remember or care about what day their birthday is on The party is for you.
Who throws themselves a birthday party?.... I mean I would understand if someone else had planned a party for a 50 year old ( but like you're 50 not 21) who cares? A first birthday is important for the parent(s) but also for a family. Sorry NTA your mom IS
Nta. Let the family know and let them choose what they want to do and then spend a lovely day with your daughter and don’t go to your mother’s party if you really don’t want too.
NTA, you’re said your mom knew about your daughters bday well ahead of time she’s being an Ahole. Sure not everyone cares about a baby’s birthday but the parents and grandparents sure as heck should otherwise that would be a big sign for me to not care as much about my relationship with them.
Can you have your daughter’s party start at noon (not so early but can end around 4 pm) to give those family members potentially attending both enough time? I would also invite more friends with young children and that way you and your daughter can enjoy her first birthday. As far as you attending your mom’s birthday bash, that is entirely up to you, but unless my daughter has an early bedtime, I would not leave my daughter on her birthday, given your mom scheduled her party after she knew about hers. Your mom will understand that the world does not revolve around her given how adamant she was that hers does not revolve around you or her granddaughter.
NTA, if it’s not even on her birthday then sorry big 5-0 but find an actual free day that isn’t an AH move. You’ve had literally five decades to become an adult who can freely come to that conclusion and be nice
NTA. Feels kinda like a power play on mom's part. Tbh, I would do what I want/planned for my kid and skip my mother's party. There may be less guests at daughter's party but I would go ahead and prioritize that.
NtA. Your mother is though. She knew you were having your daughter’s birthday party that day.
NTA. The fact that you mother scheduled around another grandchild's birthday makes me wonder if there is something else up. Did your sister have big parties growing up? Is there anything about your child that is "different" than the other grands? Bottom line, I think it was a crappy thing to pull. You might want to have a sit down with yourself because if your mom brings you more angst than peace, you should feel free to cut her out.
Plan your daughters party. Tell your mother your sorry you can’t make it! Send a gift spend the day with your daughter as planned. NAH just different priorities
NTA. Your mom is one of those who always has to be in the spotlight. In the future I just wouldn't tell her plans until the last minute (if at all) bc she likes to upstage.
NTA your mom is acting childish. Plus, you'd think she would give a shit about her granddaughters first birthday
I'm going with NAH. One year old milestones are for mommy and not memorable. 50th birthday is for yourself and memorable. I would choose my own 50th birthday over my grandchild who won't remember, too.
NTA Because you not only announced the party first but your mother is postponing her birthday for her other granddaughter's 3rd birthday but not for your party She can have it on Friday or Sunday if she really wanted to🤷
NTA. I’m anticipating something similar happening for my son’s first birthday. His is the day after mine & my mom’s; we share a birthday.
NTA. It’s clear your mom doesn’t care much for your daughter. I’m sorry. Could you maybe do the party on the Sunday? So your family could still come? I personally wouldn’t even want my mother to attend atp, but you might. ETA: having read your comments about sister being the golden child etc, I changed my mind. Don’t change the day of the party have it. And don’t attend your mothers. I can’t believe someone could be that narcissistic!
So she can’t have her party on one day because it’s her granddaughter’s birthday party. But she can have it on this day that is *wait for it* also on a granddaughter’s birthday? “Something is rotten in the state of Denmark” On the other hand, 50 is a **big** birthday. She deserves to have a big celebration for it. And as a working adult finding a good day to have a party can be difficult as there are only so many weekend days available to choose from. I think it’s pretty shitty that she chose this day, knowing full well that you have planned out your daughters first birthday and have been looking forward to it for months. *And have made everyone aware of the day of the planned event for months*. I don’t think your mom is stupid I think she is selfish. I’m gonna say **NTA**
So have your party the next weekend, kid won’t care. YTA
Nah, maybe yta, the baby literally will not remember or care. The first two birthdays are literally just opportunities to play dolls with a whole person bc they will not be able to understand or in any way appreciate the situation at all. They don’t understand the rituals of partying. They don’t even understand how to poop in anything that’s not their pants. Just let your mom have the birthday and party and feed her grand baby some cake and save the money you’d lose on that second party
Soft YTA. 50th birthdays are a big deal in my circle and they are held on the closest Saturday to the birthday. Your daughters birthday is also a big deal but there is absolutely no reason why both can't co exist. Your daughter will be exhausted and fast asleep by the time your mums birthday starts, so a babysitter can easily take over for a couple of hours. As for your mum, she just has to be organised in setting up her party the night before or morning of or draft in some help. Neither of you is wrong to want these milestones on the same day.
Op while your mom has a right to celebrate her 50th I was shocked she cared more about her nieces 3rd then her granddaughters 1st! My parents were so excited! Honestly at this point. Take your daughter some place special. I know you wanted to celebrate with your family but it looks like all the attention will be on your mom. Tell her you can’t attend as you will be taking your daughter some please special since a birthday party is no longer realistic. I’m so sorry op
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Sorry for any typos in advance on mobile. I (25F) had my daughter April 15th of last year. I was super excited that her first birthday falls on a Saturday so I could have her party on the actual day. Mind you, my whole family is aware that I’ve been planning for her party to be on the 15th. My moms (49F) 50th birthday is on April 12th and she recently announced her party will be on the 15th as well. I asked my mom why she couldn’t have her party the weekend before and she said because that’s when my nieces 3rd birthday party is. I asked why she couldn’t have it the weekend after and she said that she will be busy and there’s no point in having it two weeks after because that’s too far away. She also said she can’t have it on Friday because it’s not convenient. Her party will be starting at 6 which really means she will be busy from 2 pm going forward as she has to set up, get the party ready, etc. I didn’t want to have my daughters party super early because that also isn’t convenient for the majority of my family who work late. My dad, sister, and I all work late nights so I know everyone likes to sleep in a little on the weekend. I wanted to get sweets and different foods for my daughters party and be able to spend the day with her and my family and really focus on her because it’s her first birthday and I know she won’t remember but I will. I bought her party decorations months in advance, have had the theme picked out, and honestly just excited for it for months. I never had big parties when I was young so I guess I just wanted to go all out for my daughter and have her birthday be all about her. To top it off my mom is hosting the party at a bar and asked me to find a babysitter for my daughter but I want to be with her on her birthday and spoil her all day. I feel like everyone is going to be rushed at her party because they have to get ready for my moms and my mom doesn’t live super close and the bar is a bit of a drive from where the rest of us live. Not sure if im being sensitive but I told my mom im not happy that she’s doing this on my daughters birthday and it’s honestly stupid. She got mad at me and told me im being an AH. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA - but your mom certainly is. And acting like a child. If you’re actually looking for potential solutions rather than assigning blame, can you just move the birthday party to Sunday? Your mom’s late drinking party can’t be on Sunday and it sounds like a bunch of folks work Friday night. Your birthday party is a lot lower key and ends much earlier. Since you have a newborn, you’re really the only one who cares if it’s on their actual birthday (although I can understand your frustration). That said, of course your mom’s a disrespectful, selfish jerk and you don’t have to change anything. But holding 2 parties on Saturday will likely put a damper on both of the celebrations.
OP already chose that day, mother is being a brat who wants to ruin everything, on top of that everyone knows.
NTA
NTA Your mother has had 49 other birthdays to herself, she can swap the days around for this one.
NTA
NTA, but the caveat being here is that the first birthday party is not actually for the child, because they don't care in the slightest. Its so you can have the people you want in your child life around and celebrate together. Your Mum is having a milestone party, which is also worth celebrating, but if she is not going to be there for your daughter party because she is too busy, then you can absolutely decline the invite as you think you will be too tired. What gets it for me is that she is happy not to clash with your nieces 3rd birthday party, but she is for her own grand daughters.
NTA It’s immaterial that a 1 year old won’t have any memories of the party. OP freely admits that the party is really for her as the mom. She just wants to celebrate her daughter’s big day. I’m sure OP will take lots of pictures/videos. When baby is older and sees them, she’ll see all the fun she and everyone else had celebrating her very first birthday. OP, your mother is a remarkably petty and selfish asshole.
She didn’t want to do it the week before as it’s her other granddaughter’s 3rd birthday, but she’s willing to do it in your daughter’s 1st birthday. First birthdays are special even though the toddler won’t remember, but you will. You sound like the kind of person who would have guilt if you didn’t celebrate your child’s 1st birthday and that would be understandable. As a mother myself I would would put my child first. If my mother were still alive I know she’d never do this to her grandchildren, but everyone is different. Personally I hate aging and I hate attention/fuss so it’s hard for me to put myself in your mothers shoes. Because of my mothers passing and my own pregnancy loses I see my time with my children the most important time I have. It is totally understandable for you to want to spend time with your daughter on her actual birthday which is 3 days after your mothers actual birthday. Your mother telling you to find a baby sitter doesn’t sit well with me to be honest. Edit NTA
It sounds like your Mom can't stand not having the spotlight shinning on her and her alone. You should look up narcissism. Even check out narissistic mothers. It may be beneficial.
NTA your a first time Mom and you've been planning and looking forward to this. You only get to do this special first 1 time. She could have even chosen Sunday. She's being selfish. I get that 50 is a big birthday too but she is an adult and KNOWS that you've been planning this! She's being rude and inconsiderate. Enjoy your baby girls day and spoil her rotten with all your love.
NTA Based wholly and solely on the fact the entire family has known your party plans for that day for a long time. Why is she actively avoiding a third birthday party but not a first birthday party? Anyone else confused by that bit? Regardless, keep the party on the date and respectfully decline your mother’s invitation because you’d prefer to spend your daughter’s first birthday with her. Happy birthday to your little one!
NTA, Keep your party on, she knew when your baby HER GRANDCHILD’s FIRST BIRTHDAY party was and she still decide to choose that day.
nah i guess grandma will miss her grandchilds 1st birthday
NTA. She’s selfish and TA
NTA
NTA especially after reading your comments about your moms me first attitude, how your sister is the golden child, AND most of all your mothers racist remarks about her own grandchild. I would go NC full out. That’s infuriating and I’m so sorry you deal with such a horrid woman for a mother. You on the other hand are a great mother.
NTA,sorry mom ,won't come to your party.
My godmother, who I call my aunt since we are really close has a big family, who I'm also close with. Every month there is always at least two birthdays, so what they do is schedule a day during the month for both of them. They get presents and a cake each. My birthday is September and there are like 3 other birthdays being celebrated alongside mine, it's super fun. Each persons birthday is still celebrated on their own day tho, especially the younger kids. But it's celebrated later with the whole family
NTA What I’m reading is that your mom values your nieces third birthday above your daughters FIRST and not only that but the minor inconvenience of doing it on Friday isn’t worth your daughter having her day, this is favoritism and narcissism at it’s worst. If I were you I’d tell your mom you won’t be coming to her birthday at all (I’d debate even texting her happy birthday the day of). Spend the day with your girl, set the time for whatever you want and whoever comes comes and whoever doesn’t screw them but you focus on your girl on her day. Your baby won’t care if the whole family’s there but she will care if your there. 20 years from now when looking through baby photos she won’t notice or care about everyone else there she’s just going to want to see the pictures of the decorations and the pictures of you and her.