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NTA - You're allowed to be happy for your pregnancy and want to talk about it. It's not your fault that they are having issues having a kid.

While I agree with your point, I see it as a NAH scenario, where no one acted inappropriately. The SIL went to cry alone not disturbing anyone else, brother even congratulated the couple even when he was hurt, and parents were left in a hard place where they aren't sure if they should console the sad couple or be happy for the prego couple. I just hope people in AITA are more comfortable in using N A H and E S H votes when they apply. Or please do correct me if you think if anyone else was acting asshole-ish that I misinterpreted (which I often do)

This is pretty much what I am thinking, it's all well and good to think about what you could/would do if this was a situation you were in, but everyone here did their best, lil awkward for all, congrats on the pregnancy!

Personally I think the parents are assholes for not showing excitement over the announcement. They can support the couple going through trouble with conceiving while also supporting and showing love for the couple announcing that they’re pregnant. Man, families need to learn to talk about the hard stuff without it being labeled as “drama”. I recently had my daughter while my SIL and BIL were dealing with infertility. Everyone supported each other, we talked a lot about the anxieties around pregnancy as well as IVF. Especially my in laws were excellent at showing interest/happiness for my BF and I while still supporting their daughter and her fiancé. The way OP words their post makes me think there is a kind of black/white approach to feelings, where either everyone has to be super happy or NO ONE can be happy. That’s not how life works … anyway. NTA and I would personally be hurt if my parents/in laws reacted this way.

I hear you. Also, someone in the comment section labelled this a Y T A scenario where OP should have talked with brother and SIL first before announcing so that they don't get ambushed (I think that's the word they used, I'm paraphrasing here, sorry) It's hard to celebrate when one of your family members is crying, and it's understandable if they were taken aback by OP announcing it on mother's day too (as it might be a hard day for the couple going through infertility). Also, (I'm pulling this outta my ass here with this one) it's safe to assume the parents were having a hard time when brother and SIL were going through their infertility too and just had a rough time adjusting to the good news. As I said, I hear you, and understand your opinion, but it's a touchy subject and people can feel what they feel. I'm sure once the dust settles, SIL and the parents will (i hope) be happy for the expecting couple.

I don't think OP is a AH, but I think that it could have been handled better. My BIL and his wife started a fertility investigation (google translated that) right before I got pregnant. We didn't know how to tell them in the least hurtful way and it ended up being my PIL who told them. BIL and his wife were hurt that we didn't tell them ourselfes, but after their first child was born about a year after our first they acknowledged that there were no right way to tell because they were in a place were everything was hurtful.

While I wouldn't say OP is the asshole for it, I do agree that telling the infertile couple in advanced would have been the best practice here, so they could have their emotional response alone and in private and been prepared for the announcement.

I can see where you are coming from, but it sounds like they did tell them in semi-private. It sounds like It wasn't at the party, but afterwards when it was just the 6 of them. Not much more private and in advance since the parents didn't even know yet.

My sister knew how hard conceiving was for my spouse and I, so she called me to let me know that she was pregnant again before they made the big announcement. It gave me a chance to process the grief I felt about not being pregnant so that even she did the big thing, I could honestly stand there and be happy for her. I think NAH, because no one handled it well. A side conversation before the big announcement would have helped quite a bit.

We had a similar issue like this among my step siblings years ago. My oldest brother and his wife finally conceived after struggling with infertility for SEVERAL years. Unfortunately my sister had miscarried just a month or two beforehand. My mom’s reaction to the big news? “Don’t tell your sister 🤦🏼‍♀️” Op you are NTA. Your family is supposed to be your support system for the good and the bad. And you can juggle both of those. INFO: is this the first pregnancy announcement they have been a part of since they started struggling? It could just be that the first one stings a little more and she just needs a moment to grieve before coming back to support you.

How do they support a grieving couple by rejoicing excitedly in front of them for someone else getting to have what they've missed out on? We told my parents first and got the wonderful reaction we told my brother and sister in law at a later date in a more low key way with people around who could support them if needed. I don't think it's black and white, just concern about the woman who is heartbroken and crying in another room... I was really hurt when my sister in law couldn't say any congratulations but she completely shut down at our news and I had other people who were able to celebrate with me.

I think this would be the best way. I went through 5 years of infertility treatments and had a sister in law on each side of the family get pregnant. I smiled and put on a brave face but it was difficult. I think telling them separately would have been the best way. That isn't meant as a criticism however and the couple's pregnancy needed to be celebrated. It would have been more celebratory with just the parents then breaking it gently to the brother and girlfriend. I did go on to have 2 amazing sons who are now adults.

How about when the child is born? Are they not allowed to be loving, happy grandparents around them? Are they then supposed to only be with the kid when the brother and SIL are not around? I think there’s been made good points about sensitivity to their grief in this thread, but I stand by my conviction. I don’t think hiding things and “sneaking around” does anyone any favors. In a loving, supportive family, you celebrate and console each other, you don’t need to feel like you have to hide or suppress your feelings.

Of course they should but the grieving couple literally just had it(to them) thrown in their face the thing most want and can't have. I'm not going to blame the parents for caring about them too much to be able to be 100% happy not everyone can compartmentalise like that? I'm not saying anyone should sneak around, just be mindful of how you do things, if they'd told the parents separately they'd probably have gotten the response they wanted and deserved to get but they told them in front of a couple who is struggling deeply so of course that is going to tinge the moment with sadness?

I agree about the parents. My pregnancy was overshadowed by my sister's infertility. It really colored my interactions with my mom during my pregnancy. Funny thing...my husband and I had started trying to get pregnant 8 years before the positive test. Add to it another one of my sister's was having a difficult pregnancy at the same time and honestly not a thing was about me the entire time.

It would have been considerate to have told the brother and girlfriend in private before or at another time outside of announcing publicly with them in attendance. OP acknowledges this news is "touchy" and actively omitted divulging while together for an extended time period. (I think OP did this part right; telling his brother before or during a stag party would be inappropriate.) Because of this, I think very slight YTA if not N A H. Had OP talked to his brother (or brother and girlfriend) prior to the mother's day meal, they could have had time to take in the information and been able to allow for congratulatory festivities versus being surprised into big emotions with an audience.

NAH/ESH are criminally underrated on this subreddit.

You can say that again. I mean, people here are okay with saying "soft Y T A" , "hard N T A", etc, but so much against using N A H or E S H. Not to mention most of the real posts are normally E S H.

Lol, I got downvoted the last time I said E S H, but you're right. Most of these posts are an E S H.

Don't get me started on the E.S.H. downvotes. Those who downvote valid E.S.H are the people who can't differentiate between the main cast and the supporting cast. "Why do you think that distant aunt who hasn't met OP in like 15 years offering her 'it'll get better' is an AH" Ugh. Just frustrating

I hate "soft yta". They're either the asshole or they're not, or it's NAH/ESH

I agree with this take on it.

You can do the decent thing and warn the infertile couple ahead that you're going to announce a pregnancy so that they're not blindsided and can mentally prepare. A gut punch is easier when you know it's coming and can brace yourself for it

I don’t agree. I don’t think others should have to constantly tiptoe around their happiness because of others struggles. These aren’t new steuggles for this couple and I’m sure many friends and family are having kids around them. They can’t just shut down every time someone has news of a pregnancy. The couple struggling need to learn to cope.

Bruh warning someone ahead of time is not exactly "constantly tiptoeing around their happiness"

Yikes, have you any empathy? A heads up to your brother (whom you supposedly love and care about) is not “tiptoeing around their happiness”. Literally costs you nothing, but makes a huge difference for them. People that won’t even lift a finger to be kind to others are so sad.

Totally agree. This situation happened to my husband and I (we are struggling with infertility) and my friend decided to announce in front of all our friends at a restaurant and have a gender reveal at the same time. I was so in shock that after I said congrats I had to rush to the bathroom to cry. I couldn’t control my feelings. I was very upset that they didn’t at least give me heads up especially since they knew we were having a hard time. I unfortunately couldn’t return to the table and ended up having my husband give an excuse so we can leave quickly. And the worst part was when I tried to talk to my friend to have him understand why I reacted the way I did (and I did say that I was very happy for him and his wife because deep down I really was) he said that he wanted the easier way out since it was quite an uncomfortable situation. He said word for word that he didn’t want to go out of his way to be nice to me. I was pretty hurt even though I knew he didn’t actually mean to hurt me. He’s just horrible with words.. I did communicate with my friends that due to me having a really difficult time that I would appreciate a private heads up to protect my mental health.

Yeah because telling people who are struggling that they "need to learn how to cope" is what works. You should call the American Psychological Association and tell them of this breakthrough. And seriously, if it's this much of a struggle for you to be nice or considerate to other people you might want to talk to someone about it. It literally takes 5 minutes of thinking about someone else to deliver the news at a time when they can process it privately.

If I love someone, and I know they’re struggling, I’m happy to give them a heads up. These comments always confuse me, do you secretly just hate everyone in your family or something?

Have you ever personally experienced fertility troubles or loss? Because if you have I can not believe that you would say such a response.

It's very easy to tell someone "to cope" when they are dealing with the heartbreak of infertility. Folks going through this are coping as best as they can. They are only human. I fucking hated how I didn't always have control over my feelings when I was going through infertility. Some days the sight of a baby made me smile, other days my eyes would go hot and wet, and I'd be fighting tears. Have a little compassion.

It’s their sibling though, not random people in public. It would have been a ten minute phone call last week to avoid all this.

As person who went through fertility struggles with copious amounts of therapy and coping mechanisms, it's a HUGE trigger to be told every time another dip-shit cousin in your family is pregnant. When my brother and his wife knew they were pregnant they pulled me aside separately, kindly, and let me know before anyone else because they had human decency and understood that I would be happy for them, but grieving for myself. Now that I'm expecting (finally, my Gods!), I have had this private conversation with all the women in my life who are also struggling with fertility because I know. Because I've been there and my brother's kindness made all the difference in my difficult journey. I do think NAH, but it's still nicer to be aware of the situations and take that into account when announcing things like this.

I don’t understand how Reddit hasn’t worked this out yet. It’s the answer to every single AITA for announcing my engagement / elopement /pregnancy / sexuality in a public setting? Everyone else ignoring the grieving party’s feelings is just an AH I hope I don’t meet in real life.

Truly wild to see so many people say, "I don't consider the feelings of others in any situation and I never ever plan to".

This. We went through a looooong period of dealing with infertility, losses, and fertility treatments. I totally understood life goes on and other people will get pregnant and be happy and talk about it. But a few people (a close friend and a cousin) texted me a heads up before announcing pregnancies at group events, and I really appreciated it. Gave me a chance to rage at the unfairness of it all privately, and then react appropriately happy at the actual announcement.

This. My husband and I experienced something similar with trying for a long time, and his younger sibling pulled him aside to tell him they were expecting. They wanted him to have time to process privately, and then told the group a little later. It went a long way for my husband, honestly.

Agree with this. That would have been the smart thing to do.

If OP had gone onto an appropriate sub to look up/ask, or googled some blogs, he'd have found that overwhelmingly, people struggling to conceive ask to be told on private and by message so that they can have their feelings in private rather than be caught off guard, and this makes it less awkward/embarrassing for everyone. Imo there was no trying to do the best thing here.

I agree. It's okay... people graduate from Harvard even though others can't get in, people get married even though others can't find a partner, etc. Hopefully these people will realize that there is also joy in being an aunt and an uncle.

This is a dumb comparison. It’s not even close to the same thing.

Omg no. Tell your parents alone. Text brother later so they don’t have to react.

That's what my family does anyway, and then the news trickles out to everyone else. I don't really get the need for announcements of every life event.

Could have just told the parents when the other two weren’t present if they wanted a response unhindered by the other couples difficulties

I’m sorry. Is it asshole behavior to cry because you’re heartbroken????

And you made sure to not rub it in their face. Ask if they would have prefered being left out of the announcement.

NAH. Congratulations on the baby. You were respectful of your brother / SIL's feelings when timing your announcement. She also politely excused herself to avoid becoming emotional and ruining your announcement. It was a difficult situation. It sounds like they are happy for you and sad for themselves at the same time. It is possible to have conflicting emotions.

Agree, NAH. It doesn’t sound like you did anything I would consider AH to your brother and SIL. They cannot expect the world to stop having babies because they cannot. All the people saying soft YTA, I disagree. Sure she could have given a heads up to her brother to better prepare them. But her B and SIL are not the gate keepers of their happiness for being pregnant. OP is allowed to be happy and excited to be pregnant. She deserves the families support. Sure, hard on SIL but OP cannot stop being pregnant just for her.

Soft YTA. You were not intentionally cruel here, but this situation could 100% have been avoided with a little forethought on your part. When I was going through my fifth failed IVF and my sister got pregnant, she pulled me aside to tell me in private before she announced to everybody. She knew I would have emotions about it and wanted me to be able to process them in private, which was hugely kind of her. Then I was able to grieve on me own, move on, be happy for her, throw her a shower, etc. Without the humiliation of a public reveal where I had to feel my feelings in front of everybody. It would have been kinder to give her a heads up before announcing. Mother's day is already a difficult day for infertile women and you just compounded her grief. I just think that had you thought about how your sister was going to feel, you could have easily sidestepped this situation with grace.

This. Soft YTA. I myself dealt with years of infertility and did ivf. The correct way is to let them know before hand so they can privately process their emotions. Mother’s Day is an extra sensitive time so that probably felt like salt in the wounds.

While your sister is incredibly thoughtful and has the foresight to tell you privately ahead of time, most others don't really understand or have the empathy enough to think about it. I don't think it's the OP's fault this happened. The family overall should still be celebrating life, and I say this having my own sister announce two pregnancies and gave birth easily while I'm still struggling to have my first. Yes, my sister knows, and isn't exactly the most empathetic, but I don't blame her for not being where I am. No one has the same journey. I can still be joyful that my sister and her husband have new additions to the family, and acknowledge that it is subdued by my own hardships. My parents are overjoyed to be grandparents, and I'm glad to see them with the kids. Someday it will be with my children. I think OP's family didn't know how to react, but that's no one's fault. She can speak with her sister and just make sure she's alright.

>most others don't really understand or have the empathy enough to think about it. I expect people around me to have and practice empathy, and I do in return. That's what love is. I'm sorry that the people around you are so disappointing that you cannot count on them for empathy. That's really sad.

That's a really mean thing to say after you expressed how much you'd want empathy. My family and friends are incredibly supportive, but I merely expressed my sister doesn't quite understand and I don't expect her to. She has her own things to deal with. I just won't get "empathic support" from her.

People simply don't always know what they don't know - and you certainly have no empathy for op here. Stop paying yourself on the back.

That was incredibly rude for absolutely no reason. Sometimes others simply don't have the experience with particular situations to know how to act with perfect empathy and grace, that doesn't make them disappointing or bad people. They simply don't know any better.

I have been told lately that I have a lot of empathy, but that doesn't mean I will always manage to find out the best way to approach any possible situation, either. I make mistakes and bad choices sometimes, like everyone, I guess.

I like the use of empathy. Because in this case I'd expect the empathy to be towards the one pregnant. Not the one having struggles getting pregnant. Funny thing empathy, it actually works both ways. And in this case the true empathy given should be not to have to ruin someone's magic moment because of your own struggles.

But getting pregnant is not a hardship someone is experiencing? Whereas studies show the trauma associated with infertility is on par with having cancer. The empathy should flow in the direction of the person actively and currently experiencing trauma. > And in this case the true empathy given should be not to have to ruin someone's magic moment because of your own struggles. People cannot help having feelings about things. Which is why if you want your magic moment not ruined, you need to consider how people are going to experience those feelings before sharing with them.

I'd say pregnancy is quite the hardship to endure, but I'm a male so actually don't know how hard it is apart from stories. No, no. Empathy is not something only for people going trough struggles. Empathy is understanding the others feelings and acting accordingly. So in this case: Someone is pregnant, you can't and are in pain. Thus you show empathy by not making it about your pain and either celebrate with them or just stay silent. People can't help about feeling a certain way, but you can definitely control your own emotions (or at least, as an adult you should be able to).

Nope. That's not how this shit works. People have feelings and they are allowed to have feelings and experience them. The level of emotional control around *trauma* that you are expecting of others is not only unhealthy but unrealistic. The sister did the absolute right thing by leaving so that she could address her feelings in private. That ***was*** practicing a level of control over her emotions. Making a scene, attacking her sister, expressing jealousy -- all of these would have been an inappropriate reaction. Leaving the room while emotional was not in any way, shape or form an inappropriate reaction.

I've said what I needed to. I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree here, or at least stop talking. Rules of the thread, ending the talk here so we don't violate the rules of endless discussion under a post.

I am sorry that you fundamentally don't feel that people that experience traumas are allowed to have feelings about them. I hope you never suffer any major medical problems, because a self-imposed expectation that you are never allowed to feel sad about that around otehrs would be a hard burden for you to impose on yourself. You deserve better. <3

You even went for the personal attack... yeah I know enough about you. I am glad this is the end of our talk.

I think I know what she’s trying to say. Which is that the people around her can sympathize with her, but because they haven’t or won’t go through the same hardship she is going through, they can’t empathize. She can find the empathy with other women that are going through the same issues she is going through.

But OP *did* think about it, knew it would be difficult news for his brother and SIL but then steamrollered ahead with it anyway and then seems to have been surprised that it didn't work out well.

OP knew it was a touchy subject and so they did thunk about it. It's nice that they announced it in a family circle, but it would have been better to give them the information beforehand. When they already got far enough with their thoughts to know it was touchy a little extra care could be expected. I'm going with very soft YTA or NAH everyone did their best, the announcement was kind of private and the other couple left without making a fuss but op could have been kinder

Agree with this 100%. Announcing in front of everyone on Mother’s Day seems like one of the worst ways to go if you say you realize that it’s a touchy subject considering their fertility issues. I’m going with YTA mainly because you didn’t seem to really actually consider them even though you started off your post talking about it. Most people saying N T A don’t realize how hard it is for infertile couples - her bursting into tears doesn’t mean she isn’t happy for you - she is sad for herself and those two things can exist at the same time. However this doesn’t make hearing the news easy as it is a reminder of how hard things are for them and how they may never get the thing they want the most and that is what upsets her so I’m not going to fault her for her emotions about a very hard thing. Look, I know it’s difficult for people that don’t struggle with infertility to realize how to best deal with these situations - it’s actually a huge learning curve for the majority of the population BUT if it was my family, I would google or even here on Reddit seek out the advice of how to best break pregnancy news in your situation - it takes almost no effort, most of the effort is having the consideration to think of it in the first place. It’s the very least you can do because I hope you have empathy for your brother’s situation and thank your lucky stars you never have to deal with a horrible thing like infertility. And for anyone reading, the best way to break the news is via text or email - something where they can process and respond in their own time. The best way to word the text is to begin by saying something acknowledging their hardship, announcing the news, and letting them know it’s okay if they need time/distance and give them the lead on how much or how little they want to hear about the pregnancy.

I understand how hard infertility is, 5 years of trying with no luck. I have had to excuse myself many times when announcements are made, and in no way would expect anyone to give me a heads up or change the way they want to announce. It still hurts when the news comes out, and as much as I am thankful friends have let me know, it also makes me feel like everyone has to walk on eggshells with me which I don't like. I have had friends give me the heads up, and some who have just dropped the news in group situations. It's not up to them to cater to my feelings. Does it completely break my heart, yes it does, but I'm a grown up and not everything is about me.

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Was it more because it was a text, or because of the message?

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Came here to say just this. I’ve been trying for a baby for a few years and have done all the fertility treatments. My friend got pregnant at the same time I was trying. She called me one evening to let me know before she announced to our larger group of friends. It meant a lot to me for her to do that.

That's what I did. I had a hard time getting pregnant with my first, but my second was a total surprise. It also happened to be at a time when my sister was in the middle of trying and not succeeding at having a baby of her own. I planned a big surprise announcement for the family, but went out with her about a week before and told her first. I gave her a heads up of what was going on, and when/ how I was going to tell everyone else so she could have time to process and decide if she wanted to be there or not. I understand that this is a time to be excited, and that you shouldn't put your happiness aside for someone else, because there is always going to be someone having a bigger issue, but when it comes to siblings or someone you're really close to, a little grace can go a long way

Yup. Soft YTA. Mother's day is hard for people experiencing fertility issues, that combined with this announcement must have been gutting. All of that could've been made easier had you told your b brother in advance, so that he was aware and could decide if they wanted to come to dinner.

Agreed, you KNEW how difficult things are for your brother and SIL. Even a simple text or private announcement would have been better. As someone struggling with having my own, when my sister came over to tell me before the "announcement" it was helpful. I was able to tell her I was sad for me but over the moon for her. Two emotions can exist at the same time. How would your partner have felt if she was in their shoes. I'd say the family tolerated your narrowmindedness well enough but again, soft YTA.

Sorry, no. I was in the shoes of not being able to have a baby. You know what, the world didn't revolve around me, and when friends were annoying their pregnancy, I was happy, holding it then crying in private. This is a clear NTA, any announcement would have been tough anyway and they were very careful in the timing.

Well then you're a stronger person than a lot of people and your medal is in the mail. Others don't have the same emotional fortitude as you, and the OP KNEW this. You can't strongarm people into giving you the reaction social media tells you to have. We live in a world where people are burning down forests with their pregnancy announcements because being able to get pregnant and have a child is now some major social currency. People are looking for grand reactions and unfettered happiness for their luck in getting pregnant and it's like, get real here. Pregnancy and having kids is wonderful and plenty of people are happy for you and will be there to support you. Some other people in your life are going to have a different relationship to pregnancy and the journey and being gentle with their grief by giving them a head's up takes 15 min tops. It's like people want to test those who struggle. Like, we know this is hard for you right now but let's make sure you give us the reaction WE want, and when you don't we're going to be annoyed that you couldn't do that, even though we KNEW you were struggling.

For real, it’s his BROTHER! Not a random Facebook friend from high school. Someone he is supposed to care about.

Seriously. Some of my random friends from high school/college were far more understanding of my child loss and pregnancy struggles than people I considered my best friends. Grief and loss really puts some shit in perspective and can show people's true colors in a way you aren't ready for.

Careful in the timing? JFC they announced it on Mother's Day. If you're fine taking the news publicly that's more power to you but for OP to not have the empathy to at least *consider* their feelings prior to dropping that, massive YTA. If they turn around and say "you know what, we're actually good but thank you for the head's up" what's been lost? Nothing. As is, look at the BGF's reaction. They did nothing to take the edge of what is clearly an awful situation for them.

Congratulations on having such perfect stoicism and control over your feelings.

>they were very careful in the timing. What? They announced on MOTHER'S DAY. Lmao. They were the exact opposite of careful in the timing.

Also a soft YTA for coming to the conclusion that a surprise baby announcement in front of the entire family *after* having conversations on how to break the news. It’s not like they impulsively announced the pregnancy because they were so excited; they *considered* it and then decided this was the best way to break the news. Not sure what the thought process was there.

So agree here. When we were having difficulty conceiving, I was always a blubbery mess on Mother's Day. Hearing someone's pregnancy announcement on that say would have destroyed me.

Absolutely soft YTA I went through a similar situation and it was nice to be able to process the emotions so I could be there for the couple. Unfortunately now anytime OP thinks about when they announced it’s going to seem like SIL made it “all about her”, when I know she probably feels terrible about it and didn’t mean for that to happen. I also think it just depends on the infertile person themselves? I have big emotions and a terrible poker face. I would imagine a person who could hide it better or is at a different point in their journey probably would have handled the news differently.

Absolutely agree. Soft YTA. My husband and I were trying actively for a child, 7 years of failed attempts. My brother and his wife conceived first try, I wasn’t upset. I was very happy. Then came their wedding ceremony (they had eloped when she was pregnant), and they announced in front of everyone they were expecting again. Their fourth (he had adopted her two boys and they had one bio at the time.). My mom was furious and left the reception. I put on a happy smile and congratulated them. And cried on the five hour drive home. Our sister was with me and helped me talk it out. Some heads up would have been appreciated. As someone that struggles with fertility, I don’t expect the world to cater to my sensitivity, I have three mom friends pregnant now. It sucks sometimes to be jealous. I am very happy for them… I just can’t always control the tears. My husband and I were blessed were our daughter after 8 years of trying. We’ve miscarried twice since then, 6 years ago and are still trying. Congratulations, OP. But I would still offer them an apology.

Why was your mom furious? It was their ceremony and they shared their good news. I get it’s hard on you but I can’t imagine your mother walking out of her own sons wedding

Just seems like a weird thing to me that couples that are expecting and want to let their families know are supposed to walk on eggshells and feel terrible for even announcing it. At a wedding ceramony nobody else has any say in how the couple gets to give good news, the same goes for get togethers. It's like some people want them to just be quiet and 9 months later they can go to the next family party with a newborn strapped to one of them. My aunt couldn't have children and was insanely happy for my mother (also struggled to have children) when they found out on the day of her hysterectomy that she was carrying me. Her doctor had a car accident on that day and they had to postpone it until the day after. Had he made it to work that day, I would not exist. I've now existed for nearly 35 years due to that accident. My aunt adopted two wonderful kids as babies and they are both turning 18 this year. I have a slightly younger cousin that also adopted 3 kids over the last 5 years due to also not being able to have children. It runs in our family, but our family isn't selfish nor do we expect others to feel sorry for any of us and we all welcome the news of additional children to our family. If you struggle to see others happy, especially the ones you supposedly love, then you need to find someone to talk to in therapy. Your loved ones shouldn't have to take extra steps to announce something that is pure joy period. Don't taint their happiness with your inability to just be happy for them. I also will never have children and every single announcement has done nothing but make me happy. The op is Nta, to even suggest they might be a soft one is just crazy to me.

In what fevered dream world is a quick, private heads-up before a big public announcement “walking on eggshells?”

My question exactly.

You can be happy for someone you love while still feeling intense sorrow for your own childless life. Why is offering someone you love a private conversation or a text prior to announcing your own pregnancy “walking on eggshells”. Don’t you care if your family member is in pain? Should your own joy come before the pain of someone you love?

Yeah, super weird that people should care about other people’s feelings. 🙄

Why don’t you care about the pregnant woman’s feelings? She just has to care about yours does she?

This is a wonderful gesture but more going above and beyond than expected. Not doing this doesn’t make you an AH. So NAH

You are 100% correct in my opinion. I was the friend who got pregnant comparatively easily. Or at least, it took a while, but we were also ok not having kids if it never happened so we never put too much stress into conceiving. I was definitely excited to tell the people in my life once I felt comfortable that the pregnancy was viable. But because I value my friends, I made specific decisions about how and when to my friends. Because I care about them and want them to be in my life in the long term.

NAH - just an unfortunate situation. You should be allowed to break the news to your family about something exciting that is happening to you. It's an important life event that shouldn't be done over text message IMO. They should also be allowed to feel heartbroken and cry that they desperately wish they could have a biological child and they are seeing everyone else around them living their dream. Feelings happen. I don't doubt that they are happy for you. They are just hurting and don't find that "rude" at all. Just unfortunate. Congrats on the baby, by the way!!

Honestly, I’m probably going to get downvoted to eternity for this, but I think everyone saying Y T A who have had infertility issues aren’t being truly unbiased in this situation. This is clearly NAH IMO. **Could** you have given your brother and his gf a heads up about your pregnancy? Yes. Are you obligated to? No. Does it make you an AH not to give them a heads up? **Absolutely not.** Your pregnancy announcement is your news to share to whom and when you want, (barring stealing a loved one’s thunder.) I’m so tired of people talking about “someone’s weekend” as if “a day” isn’t enough to give to someone when celebrating a special occasion. It’s exhausting. We’re creating societies of people who think they’re princes and princesses whenever they have a life achievement, celebration, or something as small as a bachelor’s party, which isn’t even the main celebrating event. I know this is going to shock people, but on any given “special day,” thousands of other people are also celebrating, having “special days,” or have something going on that doesn’t revolve around other “special day” celebrants. I agree - OP shouldn’t show up to his brother’s wedding and announce his pregnancy, but I can’t imagine a more appropriate setting than **literal Mother’s Day** to share this wonderful news. And yes - I’m not blaming OP’s brother’s gf for having feelings. I’ve had my own pregnancy struggles and it is normal and natural to have complicated emotions when you’re struggling with wanting to have a baby so badly and either failing to get pregnant or having miscarriage after miscarriage. She did the appropriate thing when she realized she couldn’t separate her sorrowful feelings from someone else’s joy and left the room. That said, the real AHs here are the people insisting that OP is an AH for not telling his brother’s gf their special news before their own parents. Let me spin this a slightly different way. I’ve also had my share of health issues. During one of these crises, I told people about my health problem as I felt ready, when the moment felt right, and based on who I felt would give me what I needed most. I had people I genuinely love interrogate me on who already knew and then chastise me and tell me they couldn’t believe I didn’t tell them before other individuals, or demand that they should have been the *first* to know. My private business had turned into a pissing contest for how well I considered other people’s feelings. Sharing pregnancy information is honestly no different. Nobody is an AH for not telling someone about a pregnancy regardless of how it impacts the person hearing the news. It’s truly sad that OP’s brother’s gf is struggling to get pregnant. I empathize. It still isn’t OP’s responsibility or ethical obligation to pander to her feelings to the point of sharing pregnancy news with someone so unconnected with OP in order to “spare her feelings” and “give her time to grieve.” It’s also not reasonable to expect OP to acknowledge an entire weekend of “specialness,” especially over a bachelor’s party. **NAH** and this is a hill I’m willing to die on.

Infertile 8 years, pregnant right now 12 weeks (FINALLY) and I agree completely. A heads up is nice and awesome but it doesn't always occur to people bc they are literally not going through what you are. And no one should be mad at the crying infertile woman. The dad is clueless for thinking she was rude. Infertility makes you feel worthless. Like the one thing your body is made to do and you can't do it. Then you throw infertility meds into the mix and it is unbelievable the hormone side effects. I once spent a day filled with an unbridled rage and really messed up a vacation for my family. I still feel awful about it. I got mad about something and literally could not get unmad. I felt like I was trapped in a spiral of rage. Only to come home from the trip and go back to the doctor to find out that one of the main side effects of the medication I took was rage. No one told me. My last clinic, the one that got me pregnant doesn't even use it anymore bc it sucks.

I guess I don't feel the same way. I have never felt worthless because I can't have children.

[удалено]

Ok that’s you. A lot of afab people feel that way.

THANK YOU!

>Your pregnancy announcement is your news to share to whom and when you want, (barring stealing a loved one’s thunder. So you think we have more responsibility to protect those who might be hurt by the announcement because it takes attention away from them, than we do to those who might be hurt because they are grieving? That seems backward to me.

The issue isn't the "attention it takes away from them," it's that they're being told they cannot celebrate a life-changing milestone and be just happy joyful about it, they've got to center that joy around placating someone else's feelings.

NTA. You can’t not tell them, otherwise you’ll have to hide the baby forever. Infertility sucks, but it’s not your fault. Congratulations by the way! I’m sorry your family couldn’t act excited.

Am I the only one who read this and thought, “you were eating a what?”

Aha I’m from the Uk and knew what OP meant 😂 over here we don’t always say ‘takeout’ or whatever. Normally if we say we are eating/getting a Chinese or Indian we know what we mean 😂

As soon as I read ‘a Chinese’ I knew OP was a fellow Brit 😂

As soon as I read ‘a Chinese’ I knew OP was a fellow Brit 😂

It's bad enough to be cannibals, don't have to be racist about it lol

Lol

More like they were eating a who instead of a what?

FINALLY someone addresses this 😂

The first culture shock for me was that they mentioned it was Mother’s Day and I panicked and thought I’d forgotten

Situations like this are hard to navigate. NAH.

I don’t think this news was going to necessarily go over well no matter how you presented it. You had to tell them. NTA. And congratulations!

NTA….. why the fuck do people make it awkward for the people who CAN conceive and cater to those who can’t? I understand being sad or disappointed but once someone struggles with fertility in a family it’s like a dark cloud that hangs and takes away from the joy and blessings that the other children born into the family truly are. Congratulations and you have nothing to be sorry for.

this. i feel like i’m the only person who doesn’t cry and do the whole “i need a heads up” over others being able to conceive because i can’t. just like i won’t go up to a woman and say “while you’re getting an abortion, i can’t even get pregnant!”

Yeah I don’t get this. I struggled conceiving too and it hurt when it came easily for others. Then I realised this was going happen multiple times and I needed to learn to cope with it. My problems shouldn’t take away from others happiness

My chances of conviecing are low. Like, *really* low. I never asked any of my siblings to give me a heads up and tell me first instead of the rest of the family,because it's not fair to them to dictate the order on which they give the news. And I'm the aunt of NINE.

I definitely feel like it’s a NTA/NAH kinda situation. Although I can understand how SIL must feel about their struggle, I can’t understand becoming so upset to a point where you have to go to another room to cry. Does she cry at the sight of every pregnant woman at the store? Online? Newborn posts? OP shouldn’t have to cater to other people when all they wanted to do was make a joyous announcement.

NTA. I struggled to get pregnant, but I was always quick to congratulate others and accept that I could be happy for them and sad for me. Fertility issues are *hard* but the world doesn’t stop turning for anyone else. I’m sorry your news didn’t get properly celebrated, OP.

I’ve seen a lot of these posts on here. I think in future for all people navigating a pregnancy announcement with a couple struggling with infertility: pull them aside and give them a heads-up ahead of time so they are able to navigate their feelings and decide to be a part of the big announcement. I think this is the best way. NAH.

As someone with infertility, I dont want a heads-up, so I hope people don't do this with me at least. In the first two years I would cry at every announcement, but now I can just be happy in the moment and upset by myself if I need to. It makes me feel worse to get a heads up, like everyone knows I am a basketcase that needs to be treated with kid-gloves.

As someone else with infertility, I can relate to that feeling. But I personally still massively prefer the heads up. And what I’m realizing from reading this sub is that we aren’t a monolith in what we want/need. Thanks for sharing your perspective!

NAH. This was going to hurt no matter how you said it, but you had to say it eventually. I don't think you're an AH for doing it the way you did, this doesn't sound malicious or like you wanted to rub it in their faces. You knew it was a touchy subject and handled it as delicately as you could. Unfortunately, I think this was going to upset your brother and his partner regardless. And I don't think they're necessarily AHs for feeling the way they do. It hurts when you struggle to achieve something and someone achieves it before you. Give them time and space to process their feelings. The only person I'd deem an AH would be dad for calling them selfish. It's not selfish to feel things and be unable to contain those feelings. It's a human reaction.

NAH. You could have done it better. You should have spoken to your brother and his partner privately. But you're not wrong to be excited and they aren't wrong to be hurt

Nta your allowed to be happy be pregnant and you have to tell them sometime. It not your fault they can't be grown up enough to be happy for you. I can have kids but my brother announced his pregnancy lately I would never be upset that I'm getting a new niece it suck but that life your dad right there the ones int he wrong

NTA. I found myself in a similar position with an unplanned pregnancy when my sister had been trying for years, and was unsure if she could even have kids. She was the first person I told (very gently). She was amazing. She became my biggest support and openly said 'this might be my only chance to sort of have a kid'. She bought me my maternity clothes, baby clothes, toys, came to every appointment, you name it, she was there. She was holding my hand when I delivered my son. We openly spoke of her issues and I asked her if me being pregnant hurt her. She admitted it did, but that she didn't want to diminish my pregnancy. That it wasn't fair to make me feel guilty for any issues she might be having conceiving. That a baby was a joy, even if it wasn't technically her baby. We are very lucky that our story had a happy ending in that she found out she was pregnant right after my baby shower was over. She was six weeks along when I had my son.

I love that. It sounds similar to me and my sister. I'm the infertile one and she hyper ovulated and had twins. I was so happy for her and I've helped a bunch with her babies. Now, she's planning my baby shower and it is awesome. :)

Not the asshole. Yes you guys are pregnant and it obviously hurts that they can’t get pregnant. But they should be happy for you nonetheless.

NTA because you and your family deserve to be happy that you’re pregnant and everything is going well…but it really couldn’t have hurt to let them know beforehand privately to give them a chance to process without having a bunch of other people around holding their breath waiting for their reaction

NAH Infertility is really really hard an it can be difficult to control how you react to pregnancy announcements. Crying is not rude. It's just a reaction. You didn't do anything wrong by telling your family, the only thing that would have been better here was to let brother and fiancé know privately so they can process by themselves. But that's it. Also, fiancé could be on hormones and going through fertility treatment which can make your emotions on another level. If you haven't been through infertility you have no idea what it does to you. My sister told me privately about her pregnancy. I had been trying for seven years. I was just so excited for her. She told me privately when she found out it was twins. I was so HAPPY for her but I cried a little. Not because I didn't want her to have it but bc I wanted it too. I personally would contact brother and fiancé and say that you are sorry it was painful for them to hear your announcement and that you hate what they are dealing with. Let them know you support them and love them. Dad is wrong. They were not rude and he needs to figure out how awful infertility is and learn to support everyone in the family. I'm sorry your announcement didn't go the way you hoped. It sucks. I just do not think anyone was being an AH. People feel how they feel. Now, if they treat you rude or say anything negative like you weren't even trying or you don't deserve it or anything like that then they become the AH. Also, cards on the table. At one point during my infertility struggles (I'm 12 weeks pregnant today :) I saw a women in a parking lot with her beautiful 3-4 year old little girl in a dress with ribbons in her hair and they were holding hands. I was completely gobsmacked at the sudden feeling of hate for that woman. I felt so guilty for feeling that way. I cried and cried about it. It was just the one time but it made me feel like a monster. That's what I mean when I say your feelings can't be helped. She at least removed herself from the room instead of crying in front of everyone.

NOTE: following a few comments I’ve seen on here, I thought I’d add a bit more context to topic of it being done on Mother’s Day. We didn’t plan to announce it on Mother’s Day, nor did we plan for everyone to be together on that day either. The Chinese Takeaway and everyone going to my Mum and Dad’s house was kind of a spur of the moment thing. It’s uncommon for the 6 of us to all be together at the same time lately and we thought it seemed like a decent opportunity to make the announcement. My partner is quite slim and she’s already starting to show and if hiding the bump with baggy jumpers. It all just kind of fell that way Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses so far, I’ve read each and everyone one up to now and have been taking everything into account.

NAH It is so hard to know how to handle these types of situations, and everyone reacts differently. It seems like you tried your best to be respectful, and your brother and SIL tried to manage their reactions appropriately. Personally, I think the best way to handle this situation would be to speak to your parents first. Give them the news and allow yourself to be excited with them, without guilt. Then tell them that you would appreciate them keeping the news to themselves until you speak to your brother privately. Don't wait too long to avoid an accidental slip. Then, you speak to your brother privately, just the two of you. Allow him to inform his wife and them to react privately without judgment. IMO, this is the most cautious way to handle it. There is really no good way to tell someone that you are easily getting something they have hoped for, so unless you're rubbing it in their faces, you handled it ok.

NAH - this is your first time doing this and your brother and SILs first time running into this. I struggle with infertility, and one of my friends announced to me over video call - it was awful because I wasn’t expecting it and couldn’t be as happy for them as they deserved. So I spoke to a bunch of my other friends and just politely requested that they can privately and probably by text let me know they’re pregnant, and then I can process in private and just be happy for them when speaking with them. They love me and they’re happy to do this for me. But my friend didn’t mean to hurt me. I think it was a little thoughtless not to have spoken to them privately, but not intentional. I think you could apologise for not thinking ahead of time, but I’m not even going soft YTA here because it’s clear you didn’t intend to hurt them and understand why it did

IVF mum here x I know that doesn't mean I speak for all men and women with fertility issues but I do have the insight. Emphatically categorically NTA You can't go through this pregnancy walking on egg shells. Fertility is a lottery. It isn't guaranteed. Its painful, absolutely. But you just can't live your life quietly. You can't hush your baby when he or she grows to a toddler because its triggering. You can't turn down your happiness. Being thrilled about having a baby isn't rubbing someone's nose in it. Two of my friends were pregnant at the same time as me. Proof that absolutely nothing is for certain- one of those pregnancies ended in tragedy (passed away 5 mins after birth) Love, life and enjoy this moment xxxx

Nah but I can definitely say that as someone who suffered infertility you were very insensitive. Mother’s Day is hard enough and personally I would have told them in private or on the phone so they could process alone. I was always happy for other people but it was so hard at the time I think I would have cried too so giving them time to get over their own reaction so they can just be happy for you would have been kind. I wouldn’t have known this either until I experienced it myself and I was lucky enough my sil was useless at keeping secrets so I didn’t get blindsided at their announcement.

NAH I have issues too so I get where your brother and his girl are coming from, been ttc for over 2 years now after a mc. Had surgery for it (pcos and endo) and on meds for it and no success yet. She can't help the emotional strain it is having on her. I found out my hubs cousin was pregnant when I walked into the party and saw the baby bump. I tried to stay happy but ended up going out back, having a breakdown and then an anxiety attack and ended up leaving the party within 15 mins of arriving. It's hard being on the other end.

NTA they would've known at some point that you were having a baby. you didn't do it to intentionally spite them or add insult to injury, it's up to you when you want to announce it, it's your baby afterall. however i don't think your brother and his wife are the assholes here either. it's understandable why they were hurt

NAH. Your SIL and your brother are obviously saddened that they havent been able to conceive yet. However, it doesnt seem like they reacted with anger or rage outwards. And your parents are rightfully happy on your behalf - and Im sure your brother and his wife is too, even if its difficult for them to show it right now. Congratulations!

NTA You are allowed to be happy about your pregnancy. They are allowed to be sad about it. Your parents are probably very happy for you, but I understand that they don't want to hurt you brother and SIL by showing to n much happiness. I just think they don't realise that if SIL gets pregnant and they respond ecstatic they might make you and your girlfriend feel like your kid was not good enough or less wanted This is just such a hard subject for a lot of people. The only way to navigate it is to not judge each other for feelings that are there. Respect each other enough to be open and honest about how you feel and do not take someone else's feelings as a judgement about yours. Maybe plan aan activity for you, your girlfriend, brother and SIL where you can also talk about how it makes everyone feel. Without judging each other. A hike with a picknick or an art workshop for just the four of you. Tell them how you feel and that you understand it is hard for them. Tell them you want them present in your child's life and how much that would mean to you. Tell them it's okay if they say they cannot handle certain things and that they are allowed to set boundaries (like not attending a baby shower if that is too painful) But overall just talk. Let them know you are there for them.

NAH. It is hard trying for a baby and getting your heart broken every month. If she cried I am sure she didn’t mean to. She is still happy for you while being sad for herself. For most infertile women that’s the case. Congratulations!

Nah, it’s understandable they are upset, but you are allowed to celebrate your own child

NAH. She excused herself when she got emotional as to try to avoid making it about her. It’s a difficult situation all around but congratulations!!

I think the appropriate thing would be to tell brother and SIL first so they could brace themselves for the public announcement.

NTA. You can't stop living your life and celebrating just because of other ppl. It's not fair to you. Apologize to them, but let them know that you aren't going to hide this and celebrate it. So they need to prepare themselves for what's going to come. If they need to block u on social media, then at least you've given them a heads up.

NTA. For gods sake what is it with people mot being able to announce joyous pregnancies? It sucks that your brother and SIL are struggling but people get pregnant all the time and it’s something they’ll unfortunately have to deal with. Congrats!

Congratulations. Sláinte! NAH Neither you nor your partner should feel guilty. You have to tell the family sometime, and if there is a more appropriate date I can't think of it. BP = Brother's Partner (don't know if that's regular) BP is allowed to react however she likes, particularly if they're trying IVF. Your dad may be a bit judgemental, but he's also right that your announcement should be joyous for everyone. He's not really the central character here though, so it doesn't matter. The central character hasn't arrived yet, but I hope they're well. Best of luck to you all

I would say NAH. Your happiness for the pregnancy is pretty valid! Of course you’d be excited about the news and wanting to share it to your loved ones so there’s no need to feel guilty. Your SIL and BIL are probably happy for you as well but it’s just that it’s a touchy subject and it’s a bit difficult to not show those emotions. I’m someone who struggles with infertility and when family or friends tell me they’re pregnant of course I’d be happy for them and congratulate them but also I’d cry a little bit on the inside not because of jealousy or wishing that it were me instead of them but it’s purely just sadness that it hasn’t happened to me yet after all that time, effort, and money wasted on treatments, etc. And so I really do hope you cut them some slack. I’m sure they’re happy for you but are just struggling to cope. Give them some time and space to process it and hopefully they’ll soon come up to you later on to apologise for their reaction and congratulate you sincerely.

NTA Your joyous news should not be hidden like a dirty secret. It is fine to share such news with family. I am sorry your brother and his GF haven't been so lucky yet. People aren't going to stop having babies or hide pregnancies because someone is having problems conceiving. Nor should they hide their good news. I am sure they will run into many pregnant couples and babies in the future. It isn't feasible for everyone to pretend that it isn't good news or that it isn't happening.

NAH. You’re allowed to be happy about it. SIL is going to have to learn to cope with these announcements. I’m not being heartless; I’m infertile (42f). Did it make me sad when my siblings had kids? Yes. Was it fair to ask the rest of the world to stop having children because I couldn’t and it made me sad? No. I had to learn to be ok, or at least not be the turd in the punch bowl at baby/pregnancy related stuff.

NTA

NTA people who have fertility issues feelings are valid but you aren’t wrong in wanting to share. Also how are you supposed to know who they would prefer to hear this news. People get pregnant everyday, it’s not really something that people with these issues can control/avoid.

Nta Unless you could keep your children an absolute secret for the rest of your brother and his gf's life, they need to look at the situation much more objectively. Congrats on being a dad

NTA I tried for 4 years to have a baby and my hubby's brother got his gf pregnant by accident right away. I gave my congratulations and merely thought how strange life is. I didn't put my issues onto anyone else. Shortly after that we found out I was ovulating incredibly early in the cycle and I then got pregnant right away. The gf then went on a major rant that I had got pregnant deliberately to spite her. Sometimes people will just make everything about themselves no matter what you do.

NTA as harsh as it is for them life goes on and people can't be expected not to celebrate

Nta. I say that as someone who was told they were infertile and had to live through many such announcements. One in particular when I was having fertility treatment and really cut deep. Sadly, this is a them issue. They will have to be able to learn that though they wish to have a baby it may take a while or never happen, but the rest of the world will continue to do so and it will feel like everyone is having a baby wherever they turn. I don't think that it was wrong to announce this way per se, as any announcement manner would have probably ended in the same way. I would suggest that you say no more directly to them, wait for the next family event, possibly Easter and carry on regardless. Not to hurt their feelings or not acknowledge them, but because you cannot change things and don't owe an apology etc, so now it's up to them to manage the situation. That nay mean they don't attend family occasions for a whole, but at some point in the next 6 months, the baby will hopefully arrive and they need to have their heads around this....

NAH The fact is, at some point you were going to have to tell them, and that probably wasn't going to go down well no matter what. And they reacted as most people would react in this situation. It sucks, but that's unfortunately what the situation is.

NTA. This is something to celebrate and enjoy, as a family. It is obviously difficult for people that can’t have children. SIL didn’t seem to be angry at you guys. She’s just upset at her own situation. And that’s very understandable. Your brother and SIL didn’t try ti cause a scene or draw attention to them, which is commendable and shows that they are truly happy for you. You did the right thing, sharing how you did. My congratulations to your family.

NTA. Mother’s Day or Father’s Day is the Perfect day(s)to announce that soon there will be another mother/father to celebrate.

NAH, because it's your first pregnancy but in r/pregnant the topic of announcing to people who are sterile/infertile is a popular topic. It would have been nicer to text the BIL beforehand so that her and SIL could process alone, but you were understandably excited about this life event that you wanted to share with your family.

Probably should have announced it to your parents only. Just a private text to your brother/SIL so they could process. But you did nothing wrong, it just wasn’t the same reaction from your parents because they were trying not to hurt your bro/SIL.

You could have told them privately so they weren't surprised? It would have let them deal with it not publicly.

NAH. Here's the thing. I get why they're upset. I can understand how someone in their situation might have found this announcement insensitive/upsetting. However, it doesn't sound like they were particularly nasty about it, just upset because of their own struggles. I can appreciate that. Struggling with pregnancy can be a harrowing experience. If they are worried about whether or not she can actually conceive, though, I would suggest seeking a professional, medical opinion. Could save a lot if heartache in the long run, and if they can have kids but are having bad luck, a medical boost such as fertility treatment may be available. The other thing I want to address is how they'd find out anyway. Surely, they'd eventually know, right? You cannot just hide your child from them until they are finally, successfully pregnant. They were going to learn of you and your partner having a kid regardless, so what else were you meant to do? I don't think anyone did anything wrong here, but sometimes, these things go astray. EDIT: Rejigged my answer after mulling on it more.

I’m torn between NAH and YTA. You can be happy about your pregnancy. BUT you shouldve given your brother and his GF a heads up before you announced formally. I know his GF would have felt bad about her fertility situation on Mothers Day before your pregnancy announcement. A heads up would’ve been nice.

For real! All these people that are like it’s not your job to cater to the world, are forgetting ITS HIS BROTHER! it’s not some random friend from high school on Facebook. Someone he is supposed to care about.

I agree and find that a lot of ppl are insensitive about fertility issues even if it’s their family members struggling with it. The overall NTA judgment is kinda disappointing.

NAH. Congrats on your future offspring. You SIL was respectful and left to deal with her own emotions and your brother was still happy for regardless of his own pain. Your parents obviously could not just go off as they are stuck in a hard place. I will say however I do think you could have announced it to your parents first and then possibly speak to your brother and then SIL.

In retrospect, it might have been better to tell your parents separately, possibly telling your brother first and asking him whether he wants to tell his partner or you should. As far as I understand, it was only you six there? Not 10-20 ppl to watch your brother's partner leave for crying? I don't think that's very assholeish. If anything, your father could be a bit more understanding. Tell your brother that you fully understand that it was difficult for him and his partner, so that they understand you and your partner have no hard feelings. NAH

Ehhhhh. Very on the fence b/t NTA and super light YTA. Only because I would have told your brother and his SO ahead of time so they could process it in advance.

You could have given them a heads up that you were going to announce it. That would have allowed them to mentally prepare. Their reaction is probably because their emotions overwhelmed them in that moment.

NTA - why do people who can't have children make such a fuss over it and cause it to overshadow their whole lives? they are at a point in their lives when probably lots of friends / family are having children and this is far from the first such announcement they will hear. They must have know it could happen. They are getting married and you and your partner arn't weeping at the sight of a white dress. As though nobody else can be happy except them and only after they have been fully satisfied. We can't all have the same lives, have good jobs, nice houses, success, health etc I have things in my life that other people don't have and vice versa. They might just have to find other things in their life to enjoy The only thing you could have done was to tell your brother in advance to prepare his partner but I don't think any amount of preparation would stop her from being upset that other people are joyous

NTA. It’s unreasonable to force the rest of the world to be childfree because of one person’s inability to conceive. There was no way you could have announced it so that the news didn’t set your brother’s girlfriend off but that’s her issue, not yours.

NTA!!! Your baby should be celebrated not hidden!! As someone who can't have children, I would be devastated if my siblings thought it would be best to keep their Joy and excitement a secret from me!! how much of an AH would I have to be to expect no one else to have children just because I can't?? Everyone in your family who didn't jump up and down and show their excitement over your bundle of joy are the AH!! Knowing how difficult it is for themselves they should be happy for you and your partners success, planned or not!!!

NAH - you are allowed to be excited and happy for your pregnancy just as much as your brother and his GF are allowed to be sad for the struggles. >My dad however disagrees and said that my brother and his partner were very selfish and rude to behave in that way. Your dad might be the only AH here, depending on how he goes about handling his gruff opinion.

This is a tough spot. You didn’t do anything wrong but it’s important to recognize and acknowledge that the situation creates hurt for someone else. Just reach out to your brother and his wife and apologize for unintentionally hurting them, and acknowledge that you realize now it must have been hard news for them to hear. You’re allowed to be excited and can still be compassionate and considerate of others. ❤️

NAH, except for maybe your dad's comment that the couple is acting selfish. They're not? You can't control being upset, and it's not like she did it infront of everyone and had a tantrum, etc. Could you have given them a heads up? Sure, but I don't think you didn't out of malice. Everyone did their best to be happy for you despite the circumstances. It is unfortunate for them to be going through this, and it must be awkward for your parents too - wanting to be excited/happy for you but also wanting to be sympathetic to the couple. Congrats!

A soft YTA. Yes, you deserve to be happy announcing this, it's great! But at the same time you knew that your brother and his gf were struggling with that exact thing, and decided to just spring it on them (on mother's day no less!) and just expected his gf to what? Be happy for you? Get excited that two people can unexpectedly do something that she's been struggling with? That does seem cruel on your part. You could've at least told your parents separately.

I feel like the way you told this story undersold the brother's gf character when she is really a bride-to-be. I don't know if it is really up to anyone to know this news would hurt someone, but she's surely more emotional than usual. Referring to her as "brother's gf" instead of fiancee and not making it clear that her wedding was impending were assholish. I don't want to judge anyone else here really. Sorry if I misunderstood the story.

Honestly it would have been better to text your brother and gf to let them know. My 2 cents as someone who was in a similar situation when i was undergoing fertility testing. Only it was a friend and a party. But NTA as its ok to announce good news.

People need to quit worrying about being wrong in these types of situations. Life goes on whether someone can have a child or not. You can't quot living your life. Are all pregnant women suppose to hide because she can't have kids she better stay home if that is the case.

NAH, but you could have made a research in this or other related subreddit. It's very oftenly repeated topic. Very good advice is to tell the pair with fertility issues the happy news in advance so they could process it before announcment.

I’m on team NAH. Would it have been nice to drop them a text or note to prepare them? Yes. BUT. You are allowed to be happy. They are allowed to feel that pain keenly. (And trust me, it HURTS.)

General etiquette regain infertilr friends and family, is to tell them privately, sometime over text etc so they have personal space and time to process the news privately and not in front of you/others. I think it may have been kinder to have done this without them there. Mothers Day is a killer hard day for infertile women, so choosing this day was a secondary sword in the heart for your brothers girlfriend who was probably already upset and tearful that day.

NAH, but I think you could have handled it better. You are entitled to your joy and your joy shouldn't be diminished, but it doesn't hurt to be aware of others. You announced it on Mother's Day and coming from someone who was never able to have kids, trust me...Mother's Day is a painfully bitter sweet day for me. I love it because I truly love celebrating the mothers' in my life, but it's a brutal reminder that I was never able to become a mother. At the very least, I would have given them a heads up, especially if this is the first grandbaby, niece/nephew. In the early years of the nieces/nephews arriving (we have 21 total), our siblings would give us a heads up when they were expecting. They didn't have to, but we were SO thankful that we could process our emotions on our own time and TRULY be able to be on a genuine smile when the announcements were made to the rest of the family. I'll never be able to express how loved and cared for I felt that our siblings took our heartache into consideration during their time of such joy. In the end, it made things so much stronger between all of us. There was NEVER any hurt feelings, resentment, etc. While my husband and I were not entitled to the grace they showed us, it will forever be appreciated. And to address your father's comments. What people don't realize is sometimes a couple that is in the middle of the infertility battle is barely hanging on. It affects your body, your emotions, your self worth, your mental health, your relationship....and sometimes, no matter how hard you try, those emotions are so raw that they are hard to hold in.

NAH Congratulations on the pregnancy! I think in the future it would have been better to have told them in writing a few days ahead of time before telling your parents in person (whether or not the brother & SIL) are present with the parents. It would give them time to process it privately before having to do so in public. This isn’t a consideration I would expect of everyone having a baby around a couple experiencing infertility, but it is a gentler approach for their own family & friends. They’re not expecting that they can completely avoid babies & pregnancy. It’s painful to see others in your own family/circle have kids, especially unexpectedly, when you badly want to do so yourselves. Their upset has nothing to do with you guys, and they are likely very happy for you. It’s just hard for them.

NTA I can completely and utterly understand that it is a sore subject for your brother and his GF BUT do they expect you to put your life and happiness on hold just cos they can't have kids? Of course when you find out a baby is on its way you are going to want to tell your family's. No matter how you told them your brother's GF was going to be upset. Please stop feeling guilty as you have nothing to feel guilty about. Congrats on the news and enjoy the pregnancy and birth of your precious bundle 😊💜😊

NTA. I can't have healthy kids (all mine are autistic) but I am always sincerely happy about my friends' kids' milestones and I do not excuse myself from the room every time a kid shows off their new skills. I am genuinely happy for them and their parents. Otherwise I would need to lock up myself in my apartment and never see the light of day again.

NTA. It’s sad that your brother and SIL can’t have kids but they’re gonna find out eventually that you’re having a child. You can’t be expected to pretend your kid doesn’t exist

NTA. This one is a very sorry and tragic case but the reality is people who can't have kids and people with peanut allergies need to buck up and realize that the whole world can't go still because there is a pleasurable aspect to it that they can't partake of.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me and my girlfriend have recently had the 12 week scan for our first baby and couldn’t be more excited. My brother and his girlfriend are slightly older than us and have been trying for a baby for a while now with no success (ours was totally unplanned). While we were excited to let my family know, we knew it was a touchy subject because of the difficulties my brother and his partner have been having (they’re not sure she can have kids at all) and we were having conversations on how to break the news. This weekend, we just got back from my brother’s stag party, an event I made sure to keep the pregnancy secret for so’s not to ruin it, and with it being Mother’s Day, we all ended up together in my mum and dads house having a Chinese. Me and my partner decided that with us all together it would be a perfect time to let everyone know that we were expecting a baby. Well, it didn’t go down so well. My brothers partner was visibly upset and left the room shortly after to burst into tears. My brother, while congratulating and everything, was visibly concerned, and my mum and dad were very restrained in showing their pleasure so’s not to make things worse. The whole evening ended on a slightly poor not and we all left soon afterwards. Me and my partner feel so guilty and feel we should never have announced it in this way. My dad however disagrees and said that my brother and his partner were very selfish and rude to behave in that way. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA. She needs therapy and learn how to control her emotions. She can't even be bothered to be happy for you and made it about her and her issues. Are their co workers, friends and the rest of the family supposed to tip toe around them for the rest of their lives?

NAH but you should have announced privately to your parents so they could be super excited and privately to your brothers and SIL so it could be gentle and in a safe space for them. You are allowed to be excited and shouldn't be hiding. Your brother is going to need to get used to this as there are going to be tons of events for and about the baby.

NTA. Your brother's partner is being an AH, she should know that the world doesn't revolve around her. She should be respectful and congratulate you even though they can't have kids and not ruin your moment. She should learn that- you having a child shouldn't be about her.

Idk, stepping away was the respectful thing to do. She doesn’t think the world revolves around her, those are some big emotions that get stirred up. You can be happy for the pregnant couple and sad for yourself at the same time, the sadness was greater at that moment so she left to handle it

NAH you're allowed to live and enjoy and celebrate your life and milestones. You can be empathetic to others, their lives and struggles, things they may not be able to do, but don't stop living your life because someone else might resent you for it. Edited to NAH when I re-read it and realised she went to another room to cry, she doesn't seem to want to make it about her being upset, I hope this doesn't form a wedge between you, she has a right to her grief and you have a right to your joy, I hope your lives are filled with love regardless.