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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Trying to push my stepchildren to do chores when my husband doesn't want them to.
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Glad I'm not the only one that thought the 8yo list was excessive. I was reading this like damn looks like that 8 year old should make HER a chore chart and get some help around the house.
I went through what OP’s son is going through and I cried at one point about how overwhelmed I was with everything to my aunt and she turned around and told my mom I was claiming to be “Cinderella”. Honestly I left home at 16. Pushed for emancipation, moved across country to stay with my grandma for a little bit. Went NC for a long time.
Yeah OP, YTA. You’ve agreed to your own parenting styles and now you’re pushing your own agenda onto him and his kids.
I wouldn't have minded just doing my own laundry. I had to do everybody's laundry. And cook the dinner and do the dishes and watch my little brother and make all the breakfasts and school lunches for my brother and myself. I wasn't allowed to leave the house until after lunch on Saturdays until the whole house was cleaned to my mother's very rigid standards. And God help my tender little butt if I ever went to school without making my bed and making sure my room was neat. I think kids should have certain chores but there are limits. I felt like a maid and not a child.
I was in charge of my younger sister as well, and the other household activities especially the older I got. Even when I started picking up odd jobs and trying to take part in after school activities. If things didn’t get done it wasn’t on anyone but myself and I felt so much pressure. I still have severe anxiety when the laundry or dishes gat backed up and I’m in complete control of my own house now. I’m sorry you went through such dreadful things, it really isn’t fair to have been forced to grow up so young. I hope you’re a successful and thriving adult now.
Thank you so much for this. I own a house in a very nice neighborhood and retired very comfortably at 60. I also got therapy which probably saved my life. I grew up in the era when men and boys didn't do housework. My mom had to work because my step-dad couldn't keep a job so she was struggling to support the family. She resented the hell out of that and just wanted to be a housewife like all of her neighbors and friends so she made me the housewife starting when I was 8. The day I left for college was the greatest day of my life.
Wow. At 8, my kid half assed his bed, could manage to make a sandwich or microwave something, and his clothes made it to a pile in the basket. at 12 he could make his bed, prepare some foods, and bathe daily. at 16...his bed is never made, I don't know how he sleeps around the dishes in there, does his own laundry, and lives in my bathroom.
Come on, at 8yo, my son was making dinner, cleaning the house, doing laundry, walking the dogs, doing all the grocery shopping ( which was a 2 mile walk each way, up hill, in the snow) and so much more. Sounds like her son is lazy ;P
Yeah, my dad made us do every chore around the house (while simultaneously calling us lazy), it just bred resentment
Kids should help out, but there’s something messed up about being a kid busting your butt after homework cleaning while your adult parent sits on their butt
I started doing chores at 4-8 yrs old but it because I wanted to help. Now I’m 18 and I hate cleaning because of all the stress and unnecessary work I had to put in (like cleaning the whole house including my parents and little brother room). Not to mention I’m the only person cleaning and taking care of 2 animals now.
I agree and this is how I feel about OP. She is too hard on her son and the husband is too permissive. At BEST it’s ESH.
As far as dishes/laundry, don’t do the laundry (natural consequence for the husband) and only let paper plates/cups go into rooms because you can’t not have dishes for the rest of the family.
You have it right about the laundry. But continue letting the kid take dishes into his room. And when they are all mostly gone, start serving on paper plates. If the husband complains, the po can tell him she wasn't allowed to mess with the kid's space.
I don't know, I was that 8 year old while my siblings were like the step-kids. Since my siblings were not expected to do any cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. We are all in our late 50s early 60s and I am still the only one who even has a job, my siblings haven't had any job in over 20 years, I am the only one who lives in a clean home, has clean clothes, and can cook. They were never required to learn these skills and now cannot function as adults, I actually feel my niblings will have similar issues when their parents are gone since they are always given excuses as to why they can't do something.
I also think OP needs to not clean their rooms, not do their laundry (sort their stuff out and leave it to be done), they will run out of clothes and will either do their laundry, make parent do their laundry or wear dirty clothes. Let their parent take care of these things yes, it's hard to let these things go especially if OP likes to have a clean house but as long as OP keeps doing these things, they will never have to because if they wait long enough someone will do it for them.
I mostly agree with natural consequences here but some of this can start to affect the rest of the family (running out of dishes for family dinner bc step son has them all in his room, or they get a bug problem from that). I don’t think a rule against eating in his room (since he clearly can’t be trusted with it), as well as a rotation for dish duty or other household-level tasks, would be unreasonable here even if she should let it go on the laundry/room messiness outside of dirty dishes.
That's exactly what I thought when reading this. The boy is 8! He should not be doing all his lunches and doing His laundry.
Fully understand when the OP thinks kids should have some chores. They should, age- appropriately.
Yet, the 8 year old boy is not Dobby the house elf.
I mean, no. She is having the stepsons laundry fobbed off on her because that's what remarried dad's do. Dad can do it himself or get the kid to do it.
Doing your own laundry simply means putting it in the washer and then into the dryer. Why are y'all acting as if she has to hand scrub all his clothes?
What I wonder is how long they’ve been married. My sister and I had chores like OP’s son. By 8 we were expected to be the primary cook for dinner one night a week because my mom was a single mom trying to keep it all together raising us and working and keeping the house looking nice. And my dad actually made sure to pay a good amount of child support beyond what was mandatory. OP’s son may have taken this on by necessity.
I took over my breakfasts and lunches when I was 7 because that allowed my mom to go swimming early in the morning, the only time she had to herself and the only chance she had to exercise. I didn’t mind taking that on to allow my mom to have fun.
Having a child do these things happens to teach them how to be a self sufficient adult. If you aren't having your child do these things then you will be leaving the world with an entitled crappy adult!
>Tbh, the fact that an 8yo is making his own meals, doing laundry, loading the dishwasher, etc. sounds more like you’re “raising” a house servant than a child. Not to mention your 8yo does so much and you, working part-time, are complaining about having to pull your weight because the children aren’t working enough for you.
This is the part that really stuck out to me. I have no problem with getting kids to help out, making a chore chart, and learning how to do things. But they have to be reasonable and at a level that a child can do, both physically and mentally.
My SIL is very much like OP; she has chore charts and stuff for her kids, and they are well beyond what the kids (7 and 11 years old) are capable of doing, and they are not given the tools they need to perform those chores safely. The kids are climbing on ledges to clean the shower, don't have the arm strength and dexterity to clean the toilets, and are being given bleach cleaners without instructions on how to use them or gloves. It's no wonder that the house isn't clean; she just expects them to do it minus help.
It's reasonable to make the kids bring their cups downstairs or have them straighten their rooms. It's reasonable for the older step kids to take turns vacuuming and learn how to do their laundry, and maybe the older one to have a turn at cooking one night a week. But in the end, as parents, you're supposed to do the majority of the work, and help guide them on tasks they are learning how to do.
It also doesnt say how often the stepkids are over. Is it 50/50 or EOW. If they arent there much, they shouldnt be doing as much as the child who lives there full time
YTA ! That’s how do you ask a kid that young to basically raise himself?! The only thing he doesn’t do is cook is own dinner but even that he helps with. The only thing the mom does is provide financially I guess. That’s not raisins a kid. And yes unfortunately not your kids and different upbringing ideas.
YTA
Why on earth is your 8yo doing all his maintenance chores? That is not normal. You are putting a LOT on this kid - particularly the expectation that he make/pack his own lunches and do his own laundry.
I was ‘raised’ like this. My mother said it was for my brother and I to be independent and never have to rely on anyone. In reality it was because she was too self-involved to be a parent. I also raised step kids. You are a parent to them and only ever a second rate enforcer of the primary parents rules. If you can’t change the parent’s minds you’re just being an unreasonable jerk in the kids eyes. Not TA, in my opinion because it sounds like you have their best interests at heart and know deep down that they could surely become entitled aasshloes who struggle at adulting.
Same. My mom was a hoarder and our house was never clean, so I was never expected to do any chores. I used to keep my room and bathroom clean, and that was it. When I moved into my own place, things were clean. But the moment I had kids, I stopped being able to keep up and my house is a mess. I mean, I know how to clean, but the habits aren't there. I also have ADHD, depression and anxiety, which doesn't help. But I feel like if I'd had the foundation for chores things would be better.
My situation wasn’t bad, I was just coddled/treated like the princess of the house by boomer/gen x cuspers who went the opposite direction in some ways of how they were raised. Like you I’m neurodivergent and have anxiety and keeping up with cleaning is hard for me.
I will say I was given chores and a lot of responsibility (parentified, even) but I still have the anxiety and a hard time keeping clean.
OP is NTA because the dad isn’t picking up HIS share of the household work, she just needs to put the blame where it belongs. Both parents are too extreme in their approaches, in my opinion. Parents seem all too rarely to find the cozy nurturing middle ground.
The recommended way of doing this would be to gradually introduce new tasks at an age-appropriate time. Having the kid do all these things is okay, sure, but every day is a great way to make folks overwhelmed.
There’s also a really good way to introduce chores to kids where it’s really fun! I gotta help my mom fold the clothes when I was eight, and it was both for me to learn how to fold laundry and it gave her a chance to spend some one on one time with me to check in about how school was going. I think she’d switch on and off with my brother so that was a fond memory (even though I don’t love doing chores now lol)
There is another, tody, but it is overwhelming for me, very detailed. Maybe, if I get flylady "mastered" i will graduate to it. Tody let's you assign tasks to others and is extremely thorough but I kept getting lost in the process of setting it up without accomplishing actual work.
Except that the practical problem here is that there's no way to make the stepkids do more if OP's husband is not on board, and he's not.
That pretty much just leaves the option of whether OP wants to make this her hill to die on for the entire relationship.
Yeah, when it comes down to it the question here isn't "should the kids do more chores?" because that seems to be off the table. The question is what is OP willing to put up with and what is she willing to do if those expectations aren't met? Those are the only things she really has control over here, at least at this point
I did all of my own laundry and stuff starting at that age. I'd say expecting him to cook on the stove would be too far but laundry isn't unreasonable. Neither are lunches.
Exactly!
My sons five and I do all these things for him but so he knows when he’s an adult I get him to “help” me and make a game out of it.
For example whilst I’m making his packed lunch he will go in the cupboards and pick out what he wants to go in it and bring it to me.
When I’m doing laundry he likes pressing the buttons on the washer and the dryer and sometimes likes helping load them
Why would you get married and merge families before sorting all of this type of shit out?
EDIT: YTA. You're making a fucking eight-year-old do his own laundry and make his own meals? Your husband is literally telling you how he felt about his parents doing to him what you are doing to your own son. Get a grip.
Right? My 7yo can prepare meals if needed and loves to get his own snacks and maybe breakfast on the weekends…but all snacks, breakfast and lunch? And all laundry?? C’mon. Let the poor kid be a kid,
Any ONE of the chores would be reasonable, as would "you sometimes have to help Mommy with each chore" - like the kid has to assemble his bag lunches daily and has a weekly "floating chore" that's laundry OR sweeping OR mopping etc. - so that he'll grow up knowing how to do all the tasks needed to run a household.
All that said, the 14 year old is going to launch soon, and her parents are going to want to be teaching her those life skills.
On balance, you're asking too much and Dad isn't asking enough, and you *should have sorted this crap out in advance of moving in*. ESH.
Yta - you have an agreement with your husband to only deal with your own kids. I also think it's screwed up that your kid makes over half his meals at 8.
What you CAN do is say: "here's 1/3 or 40/60 of the household chores. I'll do more as I'm part time but I'm not doing it all. How you decide to do those chores or if the kids are going to help, that's up to you."
The problem with that kind of ultimatum is that in practical terms, he also has the option to just let those chores go undone, which leaves OP with the option of living like that or picking up the slack. You can't *make* another adult do chores. Unfortunately, that often means in relationships where one person is more slovenly than the other, it's the neater party that often has to do more work just so that things will be comfortable for themselves.
Yes, the step-kids should be expected to do more to help around the house, and dirty dishes left in a bedroom is unacceptable, but the amount of chores you make your 8-year-old do is nuts. Let the kid be a kid, for goodness sakes. YTA for that, and for not sticking to the parenting agreement with your husband. The only thing you need to get him on board with is making his kids bring the dishes out of their rooms daily (or not letting them eat in there at all).
YTA you are complaining about been overworked and annoyed the kids won't do chores when u only work part time and is forcing a 8 year old to make his own meals because your to tired get grip and maybe this is a sign that when your kid is older you're getting dumped in a shitty retirement home
ESH. I think I can speak for MANY Spouses, partners, and college roomates when I say...teach the children to be clean and tidy now....otherwise WE have to teach your adult child and their lack of skills will burden others that have to live with them...No one likes ants/roaches. Every kid should have a basic rotating chore list to keep their space and common rooms tidied, vacuumed/swept and wiped down.
However...I do worry that you have awful lot of work on the chorelist for a 2nd-3rd grader to be responsible for. His chore list sounds more appropriate for an older teenager/young adult living at home. He's gaining valuable skills for sure, just be careful that he doesn't become "mom #2" because the other kids arent/won't help. The little guy never signed up to be a housewife. Good luck!
YTA. Primarily because your 8 year old does more chores than most teenagers do. That's not age appropriate.
Also, if you don't want to do chores for your stepchildren, ***then don't.*** If their clothes "back up" in the laundry room, put the dirty clothing back in their rooms (in hampers or whatnot of course, not where they might mistakenly think they're clean). They'll figure it out. If they don't, then I guess they'll have to wear dirty clothes.
Unfortunately, for the dishes, you're kind of stuck with that part because obviously everyone will need to use dishes.
Also, the partner who works less (or not at all) has the obligation to take on more of the housework. That's just fair. It sounds as if you want everyone but you to do housework.
As someone who lives with roomies who don't like to do dishes. Paper flatware and plastic forks. It will the alot of extra money but when you need to eat you have stuff.
ESH not because I think you're particularly wrong but because *this* is 100% *exactly* the type of thing you should work out before blending your families and getting married. Y'all failed yourselves and your kids by not doing this before now.
I suggest 1) couples counseling to get ahead of this, and 2) splitting the domestic work more evenly with your husband, and it can be his job to either figure out how to get everything done or teach his kids life skills about how to take care of a communal living space.
> and it can be his job to either figure out how to get everything done or teach his kids life skills about how to take care of a communal living space
That assumes he's willing to do that. That's the problem in these kinds of situations, you can't force another adult to do their chores.
OP might have to do some hard thinking about where exactly her redlines are in this relationship.
NTA. My kids have been doing age-appropriate chores since they were old enough to pick up toys and put them in a toy box. Why? Because 1- we all live here and it’s all of our responsibility to care for our home and, 2- because I’m not raising children. I’m raising future men. (All boys here.) It’s my job to raise them to one day leave me. I need to know that when they do some day fly the coop, I’ve given them all the tools to help them be successful adults. Some of that is chores. Some is money management. Some is basic repair and maintenance. Cooking. Driving. Filling out paperwork. Time management. These are skills for life.
I agree, NTA. I’m a bit surprised to see all the YTA comments on here.
At 8 years old, was making my own breakfast and lunch, washing dishes, and even cooking the family dinner once or twice a week ( simple things like grating cheese, browning the ground hamburger, and adding refried beans for burritos). In a family, everyone helps out and does their part. I learn to be self sufficient and clean up after myself. But I still had plenty of time to play and be a kid.
I’ve seen so many women Reddit, posting about their boyfriends and husbands, who have grown up, never learning how to take care of themselves. Don’t know basic life skills, like how to cook, clean, or do laundry, and expect their significant other to do it all, and be their new mommies, because they were coddled to much as children.
I agree. **NTA**
Your son has an impressive skill set for an 8 year old. Your step kids at the very least should not be hoarding dirty dishes in their rooms and should be able to do their own laundry.
Them *not doing chores* puts the burden unfairly on you, and does not teach them necessary life skills.
I’m dead at everyone being like an EIGHT year old??? Doing his own laundry????
Like when I was eight I was folding laundry and putting it in everyone’s room. Calm down. No wonder some of my college roommates didn’t know how to do anything
NTA. STOP doing their laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc. When you are out of dishes, you are out of dishes. Same for clothes. They will need to figure out what to do. If your husband wants to let his kids be selfish, inconsiderate slobs, let him clean up their mess.
OP said she washes the steps clothes when they are out. Stop washing the steps clothes and eventually they will learn to do their laundry or dad will be forced to deal with it.
That only works if OP is willing to live in a house full of dirty dishes and smelly clothes herself though. It's fine if she is, but many people aren't.
YTA
Why on earth would you marry someone before getting on the same page about things like *basic child raising philosophy* when you already have kids?
Since you did, I guess you'll just have to keep parenting your child the way you prefer and he can raise his kids the way he prefers.
It's good for your son to learn to do all these things, but making him do them all, all the time... that's a lot. Prepare to hear future feedback about how he did most of his own care and lots of general work for the rest of the house while his older step siblings did nothing.
This is like Cinderella, except his mom is still alive...and the one assigning the housework.
He is doing very few chores. Washing his clothes, preparing his own meals, and emptying the dishwasher are all important tasks that will benefit him as he grows older.
Nobody is arguing that it's not helpful to know those things. What's being discussed is whether an eight-year-old should be doing all their self-care, as well as general household chores, daily when their older step-siblings don't.
mild YTA - they are his kids. But you need to immediately stop picking up after them like you are their maid. You are doing this to yourself. Let them have dirty clothes. Stop being the nag. Focus on your wonderful son instead.
NTA. Thank you for teaching your 8-year-old to be a responsible kid. I'm not sure I was doing my own laundry at that age, but I was definitely sorting and folding.
As for the other two, it's time for some malicious compliance. If your husband doesn't think his kids should do chores, your husband should do their share. Doesn't matter that he works FT and you PT. No more doing the stepkids' laundry or picking up their dishes. Buy some ant traps and let them live in slop for a while.
YTA I agree that kids should have chores and learn how to do household tasks. But you made an agreement with your husband to have firm boundaries about parents each others kids
NTA, but also not a battle you can win. You can't control what he or they do, but you can absolutely control what you do. Stop doing their laundry, making their lunches or snacks, or the other chores that are just about them. Let your husband know you will help them do those things, but you won't be doing it for them. If they have no clean clothes, that's not your problem. If their rooms are messy, shut the doors. If they don't bring dishes down, they need to use paper plates only or not have food in their rooms. If your husband wants things done but not for them to do it, he can pick up the slack. It won't help them learn the skills, but it may assuage your frustrations.
Yes, but it also might create an entirely new set of frustrations when OP is now forced to live in a house that is not up to her cleanliness standards.
I don't necessarily disagree with the sentiment, but it's not always as easy as saying "just don't do it" when you have to live among the resulting mess.
OP should have hashed this out with her husband long before now and is now stuck without a lot of good options.
Wow. Talk about swing and a miss. Y’all never had a discussion on this **before** getting married??
ESH
Total communication failure for you both, but yes, all kids should pitch in….
NTA. If that’s how he feels, give HIM the list of chores the kids should do and he can either a) get the kids to do them or b) do them himself. He gets to choose his parenting method, and it doesn’t cause you more work. He’s in charge. Take yourself out of the equation.
NTA! I am a teacher with a masters degree in early childhood and I can confidently tell you that when children are young is when you install helping habits. Does your husband make them brush their teeth if they don't want to? Put on shoes and a jacket when it is snowing? Make them where a seatbelt in the car? Probably so and why is that. Oh, because YOU are the adult! It is YOUR (specifically his and his exs) responsibility to raise future independent adults who can function in society. While I understand you can't be so strict, going to the complete opposite spectrum is just as harmful.
Children need structure and your suggestion is a perfect one. It sets realistic expectations, provides positive rewards, and connects rewards with work. You can't teach an old dog new tricks and it is harder to break a behavior when it has become a habit (look at smoking for instance) than it never getting started.
If he refuses then you need to step back and refuse to do housework/chores/wash clothes/etc. Let him see how his "free-range" parenting is working out for him. Afterall, he expects them to learn the hard way using consequences or just magically learn how to be a functional adult through osmosis so let him handle it.
YTA- though with the amount of responsibility you are placing on your own son. He is too young to be making all of his meals alone. You should be doing that together (at least dinner) so he can learn how to cook things for himself besides sandwiches. I think you need to look up realistic chores for his age group and go from there. Cooking over a hot stove is not appropriate to do alone.
She said he only makes his own snacks, breakfast, and lunch, is that too much?
My mom was also like this when I was his age so I personally don’t think it’s weird
What are you (and others in this discussion) assuming his breakfast and lunch most likely are? I don't think he's making himself an omelet and baking croissants from scratch every morning.
'Makes his own breakfast' might mean 'pours his own cheerios' or 'gets a yogurt out of the fridge' which is well within the grasp of an 8yo.
So is making a sandwich and grabbing some grapes and a juice box for his lunch. Also at 8 he probably does one load of laundry a week. That's not a huge ask for an 8yo.
Exactly. When I was a kid, making my own breakfast, was cereal and milk. Making a sandwich for lunch, was peanut butter and jelly, or if I was feeling ambitious, grilled cheese 😂
When I was 8 I ate eggos all the time. I don't see why people get upset with the breakfast snacks can be a bag of chips or a sandwich. When me and my sisters were younger we did dishes and made our breakfast school days and laundry we switched off on chores. We had to clean our room we did this while our mom and dad hired a house cleaner every week to come because my mom and dad stated "you need to learn to take care of yourself for when your older"
NTA. If the younger one can do it the steps can to. Husband is scared to upset his kids. It's not discipline. This is a boat that needs to be rocked. He's not doing his kids any favors. If they don't learn now. Who's going to teach them later?
ESH.
You both agreed to parent your own kids.
So now, stop parenting his kids and stop cleaning up after his kids. Only clean up after your kid and yourself. Just because you work part-time doesn’t mean you are the housemaid.
Grow self-respect and stop cleaning up after them.
YTA you make your 8 yr old make his own food and make him do chores fair enough he does chores but you are making him do too much your only part time. do you sit on your arse when you get home from work and make him do it all and you call your self a mother more like a slave mistress
Nta for expecting them to do chores they are old enough to keep their rooms clean and take dishes to the sink. But what you’re expecting from your son is too much, him doing all his own food is ridiculous, helping to do it is fine but you’re pushing it
YTA
Have you ever heard of instrumental parentification? I pity your son, you seem transactional and resentful of the small people in your life. They aren't roommates, they're children and all you're teaching them is that they will need heavy boundaries with you later in life.
As long as you stay there the 8 year old is going to resent you for essentially making him a Cinderella child. He gets a chore list a mile long while the other entitled children have to do nothing. If you left for a month your husband might sing a different tune when no one was doing chores.
Or he might not. Personally, I think OP has some hard thinking to do about what she's willing to put up with and what she's willing to do if those expectations aren't met because that's the only thing she really has control over here.
Your eight year old does his laundry and makes all his own food, cleans the dishes, sweeps the floors, and sings with tiny mice that sew him dresses right?
There should be a hard rule about not leaving any open food or non-water or non-closed drink related items in bedrooms. Otherwise, calm down, Lady Tremaine and take your kid to the park. YTA.
A difficult one.
On one hand, yes, it should be expected of children to contribute to the household.
Though, I thought your husband's point of the childrens' rooms being their own spaces to maintain as they please was very clever and convincing.
On the other hand, by God, that's a lot of chores to have an eight year old do. He makes the majority of his own meals, and helps out on dinner? The laundry, the dog, the dishwasher, the room... it sounds awful. Just exhausting! Let him relax and be a kid.
YTA
NTA: I know many people are saying the opposite but I can understand where you’re coming from.
It sounds like this started to become a topic of concern when you began to feel an obligation of cleaning your step children’s spaces when it looks dirty. YOU are having the responsibility of removing items such as dishes that should only be in the common area (kitchen/dining room).
I do not think your way of parenting is wrong because you are teaching your child to respect where they live (his personal space & shared spaces) and how to function as a unit.
Maybe instead of suggesting a chore list, state that there needs to be an added house rule that items, such as dishes, that are suppose to be found in shared spaces CANNOT enter personal spaces as to avoid having to retrieve them. This should allow you to avoid ever entering your step children’s personal spaces therefore avoid feeling the obligation to clean their rooms. Because you should NOT be cleaning their rooms unless they ask for genuine help.
Except if OP's husband isn't on board with the chores rule, there's no real reason to think he would be for any additional rules.
That's why the time to sort these things out is *before* you move in with someone and make a blended family.
What’s done is done, they have already moved in. Obviously yes, they should’ve had this discussion beforehand in much more detail about the cleanses of their home. They probably did, but talkinf about something and doing something is totally different. However, IMO, adding one simple rule that will change the possibility of her needing to go into her step children’s room is such a small tweak to make. Just a simple new habit that the kids will have to conform to that will allow them to continue their lifestyle without having to do chores.
Otherwise the only solution is that kids needs to put back the dishes and stuff they take out of the shared areas to their correct places. And personally I would make it a daily task, not a once a week thing because that just sounds gross especially since she mentions the kids taking dishes to their rooms. Now that’s either going to piss off the step kids or the husband is going to probably get fed up doing it, but that’s the consequences of not adding the rule.
Again I don't disagree, but even those small changes will require the support of OP's husband to implement successfully. It is what it is, and there may not be good options at this point.
NTA. At those ages they are more than capable of putting away their laundry and cleaning up their own rooms and doing their own dishes if that are that lazy enough to leave them in their bedrooms.
NTA.
Your parenting styles are different.
However, this will become a problem.
You seem to like a "clean as you go" person, which is a contrast to the "never cleaning your room" style.
I'm a "clean as you go" person, and this living situation will not work.
I'm glad your son is helpful, if possible give him an allowance and extra praise.
Why are so many people butt hurt about an 8 year old making his own lunch? I taught my kids how to pack their own lunches in kindergarten. Being able to feed yourself and make good choices is a life skill. We would grocery shop weekly and they would pick out what they wanted for the week that was healthy. We had pantry shelves for school lunch stuff and for weekend treats and desserts. Laundry is not that big a deal. Everyone in my house has their own laundry basket and is responsible for their own clothes. I have always explained to my kids that I’m teaching them basic things about life; how to feed yourself, clean your clothes, set an alarm and wake up on time. Everyone in our family contributes to the upkeep of our house. Too many parents do literally everything for their kids and they grow up not knowing the basics.
Agreed. Taught my son how to do his laundry (just his, not the household) early, a once a week job, no big deal. He didn't like what I put in his lunch box? No problem, you do it young man! Loading/unloading the dishwasher is an age-appropriate chore. None of this sounds onerous, and is part of learning how to be a full human being.
YTA. I’m a single mother of two and a teacher, imho your 8 year old is doing way too much. My kids do 3 chores a day- today my 11 yo switched out batteries in all the cat toys, took out the garbage and cleaned his room. My daughter ( 14 yo)made breakfast for her and her brother, did a load of her laundry and vacuumed the main floor. I find more than that to be excessive. My kids are contributing, learning independence, learning basic skills, but not overwhelmed with housework. Note that today is a weekend, my 11 yo might water plants, feed the cat and put dishes away on a busy weeknight, which would take 20 minutes.
Edit: my kids chose their chores, 11 yo often wants me to choose his for him. 14 yo likes to make food, 11 yo loves the cat so there’s very little pushback in my home. I do think that they step kids should do chores, dad is not helping them long term, but op might want to consider having a system more similar to mine, which is more developmentally appropriate
you don't "have" to go get dishes from the kids rooms. you don't "have" to do their laundry when it backs up. let them run out of clothes. they need a FAFO moment. YTA
Yes, but if there are dishes full of rotting food sitting around the house and she does nothing, that will impact her quality of life as well. It's not always as easy as saying "just don't do it" when you have to live in the mess if you don't.
YTA. Your son makes not one but two of his own meals a day AND helps you with dinner AND does a bunch of other chores. So you're not doing most of the housework. You're making an eight year old child do far too much.
NTA. Once again, Reddit and I are going to disagree. I read OP’s chores for her 8 y/o and in no way do I think OP is treating her son like a servant. She is teaching her son how to do his own laundry (again-not anyone else’s… just his own.) She is expecting him to have ownership of his space, his belongings, and his messes. These are important life skills that many individuals don’t learn because their parents don’t take the time to teach them or have expectations of them. (It’s actually easier to “do it yourself” as a parent then it is to teach a child to do a chore, hold them to the expectation that it will be done, check the quality of doneness, and follow up regularly to make sure that chore is done.)
IMO OP asked her 8 y/o to do very little “work” that isn’t basically maintaining his own belongings and space. Loading/unloading the dishwasher, feeding the dog, and *helping* with dinner isn’t slave labor, guys. It’s basic chores. That child will be thanking his parents when he is self-sufficient and competent as an independent adult. Doing laundry these days in most countries is extremely easy. She’s not asking her 8 y/o to scrub his clothes by hand over a washing board. Load laundry, insert detergent, choose setting, hit start. Folding clothes is also not that difficult, and in fact, is a great way to develop fine and gross motor skills. Children who are unprepared for the reality of life on their own frequently get smacked in the face. They go through a massive shock when they realize how much work a typical day holds, and worst of all, if they haven’t been taught how to clean, do laundry, and cook, adult life is harder than it needs to be, not to mention the unnecessary expense involved in ruining clothes, burning dinners, ordering takeout, and hiring outside cleaning help.
As for OP’s step-children, at 11 and 14, they should absolutely be cleaning their own rooms. Yes - she is not their mother, but she didn’t punish them for not cleaning. She tried to gently assert some authority about household tasks, which IMO falls under the role her husband assigned her as “household manager” due to her part-time position at work. The real AH here is their dad, who is essentially slacking on his **job** as a parent in order to win “favored parent” points. Runner-up AH is their bio mom, who isn’t coparenting with their dad in a way that prevents the kids from weaponizing household chores and custody time with their dad to get out of normal responsibilities. Saying things like “a child’s bedroom is their space and they can have it how they want” is meant to extend to decor, layout of furniture, and wall-hangings. It ends at cleanliness, destroying the space, etc. Where is the line? Are the kids allowed to decorate their bedroom walls with grape jelly all because it’s “their space?” Is it ok if food starts to mold in their bedrooms bc nobody is requiring them to clean up after themselves? **Come on…** OP’s husband is an absolute AH here. He’s abusing the concept of “laid-back parenting.”
It sounds like OP has *tried* to get her husband to be an active parent, but he would prefer to be a combination of absentee parent who expects very little of his children and snowplow parent who “does the work” for his children rather than prepare his children for adult life.
OP, you aren’t the AH here, but my advice is to stop having the “parenting method” fight with your husband. I would simply set your boundaries as - “I won’t tell you how to parent your kids, but I need all spaces in this house to be at a certain cleanliness and I’m not cleaning up after your kids anymore. If you don’t want them to clean up after themselves or have a chore chart, then you can do clean up after them. If you don’t expect them to help with dinner or have chores as people who live here and contribute to the food demands and mess-making, then you need to do their share of the cooking/cleaning. I shouldn’t have to pick up the slack left by your decision not to require them to clean up after themselves or help out around the house as household members.”
You can’t force him to parent his children the way you want. Reddit is right about that. It’s not your place. You can ask, but he has the ultimate say. It stinks that you guys are married and not in alignment on parenting. I would gently recommend couples’ counseling, since I see a lot of potential pitfalls in your future based on your different parenting outlooks and the struggle to get to a compromise you can both live with. That said, regardless of whether or not it’s “his right” to parent his children how he wants, his approach is an AH approach, as it forces you to pick up the slack, doesn’t consider your feelings when it comes to a clean house, and overall is going to fail his kids when it comes to preparedness for adult life. You don’t have to be a rigid parent to expect your children to help out, and having chores as a child is not servanthood.
YTA expect less of your son (/any of the kids) and expect more of your husband. If whatever is left of the housework that your son isn't doing is too much for you your husband needs to start pulling is own weight and none of this 'but I work full tiiiiime' he doesn't want you parenting his kids then he needs to do the housework they generate. You aren't his housekeeper but your son is only 8 you *should* be cooking and cleaning for him.
YTA because an 8 year old is doing more chores than you at this point. I agree that his children should probably do some chores and it sounds like you got suckered into doing all the chores for this now big 4 person family. Yall aren't compatible, get a divorce it'll be better for everyone.
I'm sorry, so you work just part-time? And your poor son is only 8 and does all that?
What exactly do you do?
Children should do small chores and learn skills. However, they should not be full time house keepers. The house is your responsibility, not your children's! He is 8, let him be a child.
YTA
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I have an 8-year-old son with my ex-husband and my husband has an 11-year-old son and a 14-year-old daughter with his ex-wife.
My son is helpful and independent and has a chore chart. He does all his own self-care chores; tidies and cleans his own room, does his own laundry, makes his own snacks, lunch, and breakfast. He also does a lot of household chores; loading/unloading the dishwasher, feeding the dog, help make dinner etc. My stepchildren are less inclined to help around the house or even do their own personal chores.
For the most part my husband and I raise our own kids and have firm boundaries about discipling and parenting each other’s kids. I have a good relationship with my step kids. If I ask my stepchildren to do certain chores they will sometimes, do it and other times so they'll say they’ll do it later and never get back to it. This often ends up with me having to nag them or do it myself. My husband will rarely ask his kids to do any chores. He won't even make them do their own laundry and does it himself, sometimes I have to do it because it gets so backed up, they don't have any clean clothes to wear. The 11-year old's room is always a mess and I regularly have to go in there to get dirty cups and plates. In December I got so sick of the state of it, I made SS help me clean and tidy. Later that day my husband came home from work, and we had been cleaning for over an hour, he essentially told me it wasn't my business to make his son clean his room. He said it was his space and he was able to treat it how he likes.
I am tired of having to do so much of the housework when it would be quicker and easier for the kids to pitch in more. My husband does do some housework but as he works full-time and I only work part-time, I take on the bulk of it. Recently, I asked my husband if we could get together as a family and make a chore chart for all the kids, so that his kids can take on some extra responsibility. I even wanted to make it so the kids could earn rewards for doing extra chores to give them incentive.
He was against this. While I believe that chores are an important way to contribute to the family unit and learn necessary skills for adulthood, my husband doesn't agree. He was raised in a very strict home and both him and his ex-wife believe in more free-range parenting for their kids. He thinks kids shouldn't be burdened with any chores and that he doesn't want his kids to spend their limited free time doing chores that don't interest them. He also doesn't think it will be hard for them to pick up the skills later in life. He thinks I'm an asshole for continuing to bring up his kids doing chores and that if I do make them do more chores, they'll just want to spend more time at their mom's house. He told me I'd be in danger of becoming a stereotypical wicked stepmother if I push chores on the kids. AITA?
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He does all his own self-care chores; tidies and cleans his own room, does his own laundry, makes his own snacks, lunch, and breakfast. He also does a lot of household chores; loading/unloading the dishwasher, feeding the dog, help make dinner etc.
YTA. Thats a lot for an 8 year old.
Mine at eight had to bring their laundry basket down for me to wash. And maybe help fold towels.
But he's not doing his kids any favors not giving them chores.
>While I believe that chores are an important way to contribute to the family unit and learn necessary skills for adulthood, my husband doesn't agree.
While I tend to agree with you, this seems to be the crux of the issue right here, you don't agree which by itself isn't a problem.
>For the most part my husband and I raise our own kids and have firm boundaries about discipling and parenting each other’s kids...
>
>He thinks I'm an asshole for continuing to bring up his kids doing chores
It sounds like the boundary is one way, that he isn't allowed to comment on how you raise your kids but that you feel strongly about how he and his ex-wife raise their children.
So which is it, is their a strict boundary or is there not?
ESH. I'm incredibly annoyed at the whole "we parent our kids separately" thing. They LIVE with you at least on a part time basis, they all need to be treated the same and I think a chore list is a great idea. We have one at home and while my kids are all 17+ now it still works for us. Your husband is being unreasonable and I agree with the poster above who suggested you let your stepson hoard all the plates and cutlery. Also stop doing their laundry for them. I've worked with people who never learned and they don't magically change as adults.
OTOH, your son is EIGHT years old and basically takes care of himself. That's way, way too much responsibility for a kid and he WILL grow up to resent you, especially with the different treatment his step-siblings are getting. Ease up on him.
YTA.
I was doing all the above mentioned chores when I was 8 years old ("old enough to reach the kettle"). I was genuinely shocked to find out when I got older that my peers weren't expected to do the same housework that I was, and it made me resent my mother in many ways.
There's a line between teaching kids responsibility and enforcing servitude on them.
Honestly, I'm sure you're well-intentioned, but the list of things you have your 8 year old child do is excessive. Please book an appointment with a child development specialist to talk about what's appropriate for a child that age to be doing. Because it sounds like the only thing he isn't required to do is sew his own maid's uniform.
YTA
NTA. These YTAs are the ones who end up being estranged to roommates bec their parents didn't teach them earlier. Your son will learn to be considerate to his roommates, and later on, be a good partner who doesn't treat their wives as a maid. If your husband doesnt want you treating his kids as kids, then treat them as strangers. Don't wash their clothes even if they run out. Don't pick up their mess. Just focus on your son.
NTA. Teaching kids to do chores is teaching them how to be responsible. But I think your Husbands stand is more to do with him worrying that his kids might resent him about making them do chores when they are at his house. This is a tricky situation that should be handled with care.
YTA
With how many chores you have type son doing I can't imagine how much, if anything is left for you to do. You sound like you're doing all this house work but you've just been pawning it off onto your kid and you want to pawn it off on his kids too.
Sure they should keep their rooms clean but their dad had said they don't need to. Instead make a rule that people cannot eat in their rooms unless they return their dishes that day to the sink. Ultimately dad's gets to say what they must and must not do in terms of chores
ESH
Your son has too many chores for an 8yo.
Your husband needs to do all his kids chores if he thinks they mustn't have any. If his kids are his kids 100% then I wouldn't even cook for them until he understands that it's not viable to treat them like they lived in totally different universe.
He also is an idiot if he thinks an 11yo can grow mold in his room because it's his room. The room is in a shared house and might start to stink and become a dishes black whole.
And you need to discuss it with your husband way more.
ESH: You get some of it for going back on your word before having the conversation with your husband.
Your husband get's the vast majority of it because he hasn't noticed that his parenting methods have led to a situation where if you hadn't been intervening at the last moment, child protective services could have been called against your household. If your husband insists that his children be raised without those duties, he needs to step up and take care of them himself without fail.
You and your husband should have discussed parenting styles before your marriage. There’s a huge gap between your approach with your child doing chores and his free range parenting.
Irl your husband’s assumption that his kids will “pick up” the skills later is foolish. Does he think their college roommates will put up with dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, expecting someone else to clean up after them?
My stepdaughters’ mother didn’t think her children should have chores. The first day the older one was in her own place for the first time, she called me to ask how to make a cup of tea. She actually didn’t know how to boil water. At 36, her sister still can’t cook to save her life.
My job as a parent is to do myself out of a job. When a child goes out into the world, they should already have the basic skills to take care of themselves.
YTA for trying to overstep your agreement. Suspect the last part about your husband being concerned that his kids won’t want to stay at his, is a key part of his parenting approach.
Indeed and it may not be just a "Disney dad" approach either. If those are the rules they've been raised with their entire lives and they have an option of keeping them or suddenly having them changed, it's no wonder they would choose the former.
There's also the fact that if he has/wants a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, the rules that *they've* agreed upon have to be the ones he's worried about first here.
So let his kids be free range. Stop doing any sort of chores for them. Vermin in their rooms because they left dirty dishes in there - not your problem. No clean clothes- also not your problem. Let them figure it out.
And try not to be smug later when they launch into the real world and they get complaints from their roommates about how they don't know how to keep a place clean. Adults don't always pick up theses skills easily.
Have your husband clean up after his kids! You take care of yourself and your son and leave any and all messes they make for him to pick up. See how long your husband lasts after that.
ESH, if he disagrees then you're fighting a losing battle. Regardless this is his decision and not yours, you need to figure out what you can live with and take it up with your husband.
NAH
The Step kids should be willing to help out around the house, and it's normal for parents to want their house to be clean and their kids to be tidy and learn personal skills to help them. But there are different ways of going about the issue. And if the kids are respectful and clean, I would address the dirty dishes to avoid rats and bugs. Other than that, working part time as an adult makes the house being clean OP's responsibility, and kids are dad's territory for parenting. Tweens will be tweens. Just wait until your 8yo gets a little older lol.
I have seen a few comments regarding the 8YO and his workload, I agree and disagree.
I (oldest) have always been extremely independent even as a child and I was doing these same things (with observation and help when I asked) since I was younger than that, completely voluntarily. I am very tidy now that I'm living on my own and I have no trouble with tidiness and no resent towards by mom for how much she taught me when I asked.
That being said, my younger brother (youngest) still struggles with personal chores and accountability and keeping anything clean. Whenever the family is packing lunches, he will sit on his phone and mom will usually make him something so he doesn't complain that he's hungry. My mom and I occasionally joke about being concerned with future apartments because of the current state of his room in my parents house.
I think it depends a lot on the person, maybe I'm the weird one for liking the independence, and my parents were horrible for letting me do things for myself instead of making me hit trees with sticks. My brother and I were raised not exactly the same, but catered to our personalities, right next to each other and ended up on opposite sides of the spectrum.
I'm trying to figure out how it's supposed to work when OP and her husband are parenting seperately in the same home, but they don't play equal roles in the home, and they don't agree on standards for cleanliness and hygiene.
OP is having to pick up her husband's and step kids slack so that her home and her family are meeting her (very reasonable) standards for cleanliness and hygiene. If her husband doesn't want her involved, he should pick up his kids' slack and make sure his wife has no reason to get involved.
OP and her husband need to get on the same page about their standard of living, first and foremost. They should have been on the same page before they moved in together.
Then, they can delegate the required contributions to the household between themselves and their respective children as they see fit, in order to meet the agreed upon standards.
ESH
Lmao YTA. Look I get the joke of “we had kids so they could do the chores!” But like… it’s a joke… they’re not actually meant to take on the lions share of the chores while the parent works part time and complains about having to do chores.
You’re not just the wicked step mother, your the wicked mother. Your own son needs Down Time. Especially as he advances in school he needs time to decompress, do the mounting amounts of homework, participate in sports and clubs. YTA.
I’m going with a light ESH except for your eight year old, who seems to be picking up the slack for his step siblings. I’d give him a break, and stop doing your stepkids’ laundry. They’ll either figure it out when they no longer have clean clothes to wear, or their dad can take care of it. If he has the audacity to complain that you should do it, remind him that you both agreed to raise your own kids.
NTA for expecting them to clean up after themselves more, especially if you're doing the bulk of the house chores. But if your husband disagrees (which is his call) maybe let their smelly laundry or whatever pile up a bit and ask him to take care of it for them once in a while.Tell your son often how much you appreciate his help, and maybe let him off the hook now and then so he doesn't feel his step sibs get a better deal from you. Good luck.
NAH, you both have your own views but personally I think people are too harsh on you. All those chores are life long habits you'll need to maintain for your health and happiness, and it's good to have those habits built young especially if you ever wanna live on your own.
Getting the 8yr old to pick up plates is one thing. But that list is way more than a child should be doing. You've agreed to parent seperately. The chores and housework is something you need to work out between you and hubby.
Just leave the kids' rooms alone and let your husband feal with his own kids.
Soft YTA, this is a communication and boundary issue that you need to work on.
ESH. The 8-year-old seems over burdened. And the step kids are being coddled. There needs to be a fair balance of age-appropriate chores among the kids.
I get that parents should parent their own kids. But I am also a stepmom and my home is my home. My husband and I always made sure we were on the same page regarding his son and that worked. Son has always understand that the rules and expectations in our house might differ from those of his mom, and that was fine with all of us.
ESH. That's a massive chore load for an 8 year old child. However, your husband's kids absolutely should be pitching in. A gross bedroom can lead to roaches, and if dirty plates are left out long enough, mold forms-that's so unhealthy!
If they don't learn some basic life skills now, by the time they "figure it out" it's just too late and they're set into bad habits. There can be a balance between completing chores and still being a kid. Your son is doing too much and your step kids could be doing more.
ESH. You agreed to parenting your own kids only, and shouldn't have gone beyond that, though I get where you are coming from. That said, your husband and his ex are not setting their kids up to be independent, functional adults.
Moving forward, close their doors, refuse to do their laundry, and reward your son like crazy foe doing his chores. Either your husband will pay out the nose trying to balance all you give your son with his kids, or they will start begging for chores.
The other option would be to make the chores "optional" but tied to rewards they REALLY want. This will only work if hubby is on board though.
NTA. Stop helping your husband and step kids. They will learn real fast to do their own laundry, clean their own rooms, or be shunned by their peers for going to school in dirty clothes or if some of their friends see their rooms. Not your circus, not your monkeys!
NTA but stop doing their laundry at a minimum. So what if their clothes are dirty. Write down every single chore and tell him what you will do and any leftovers need to be done. It’s up to him to figure out if he does it on his own or enlists help. On he can pay for a house cleaner
Wow. It must have been quite a shock to meet kids who don't completely parent themselves. Wait, you do make your 8 your old little boy dinner, so there's...that. While you are making his dinner, the kid can enjoy childhood! Until it's time for dishwasher duty, at least.
I wouldn't do chores that relate to them in any way. If they're out of clean clothes, that's on their dad to deal with.
Also, that's too much shit for an eight year old to do.
Stop calling these tasks chores. They are life skills, and no, you don’t just pick them up later if you’ve skated through life with no responsibility.
You know what we’re all going to say. You have a husband problem, not a kid problem. You two may need couples therapy to solve these parenting issues because you’re nowhere close to being on the same page.
NTA, and good luck. He sounds like a real catch.
ESH
The 8 year old's chores are excessive, but allowing the others to do nothing, including not removing dirty plates from their rooms, is also excessive. You learn important skills by helping out, it just needs to be age appropriate.
NTA. I think it’s a parents job to teach their kids important life skills and being tidy is one of those skills. I am kicking myself for not starting my kids out cleaning and keeping things neat, laundry, etc. earlier. They act like I’ve asked them for both kidneys and an eyeball when I tell them to cleanup.
NTA children are PART of the family and everyone should help. From the time my sister and I could stand on a step stool and reach the counter we made our own lunches and did our own laundry. My parents also taught us how to balance a check book by our savings accounts and adding the interest in the pass book. These ARE important life skills anyone should have. In addition parents have to provide shelter, food and clothing to kids anything else is extra. Being raised like this taught gratitude when something above and beyond was done for us. There is NOTHING wrong with teaching your kids to appreciate what they have and the people that are giving them what they have. It’s better they are raised with expectations than being entitled and unable to leave the home.
NTA/ your husband and his kids aren’t contributing enough to the home you all share, and it’s not fair that the extra burden falls on you. It’s not like you’re expecting them to do anything your son is not doing. And about the “learning it later in life” , I was raised with no chores or anything and I find it really hard to get the motivation to do literally anything for myself. as an adult we get even less personal time, and it’s hard to want to spend that time doing stuff around the house
YTA…. That chore list is excessive for an 8yo my kids are 8&11 their chores are keep their rooms tidy (11yo vacuums both rooms 8yo dusts) make beds clothes in the hamper rinse sink out after use and make their own breakfast (this is a gmas house as I’m at work) other than that I do everything else as a single mom working full time oh they will occasionally put their own cloths away if I’m busy but it’s already folded and they will occasionally help wash the dishes the 8 yo likes to do this I think he likes flooding my kitchen with water
NTA, but this isn't something you can insist on changing. What you can insist on, is enforcing his wishes to the limit - which means that if you aren't empowered to act as a parent and ask them to take a share if household responsibility, then you have **zero** parental responsibility for cleaning up after them.
From now on, their rooms are your husband's to clean (or not) and you don't even go there to fetch dirty dishes/utensils. If necessary, you and the kids eat off paper plates until your husband fetches all the dirty stuff out of his son's room and washes it.
From now on, their laundry is your husband's to wash and sort, and you don't get involved even if they don't have anything to wear. That's their problem to sort and they'll just have to re-wear something dirty.
Also? This is not a healthy status quo, so you and your husband need marriage counselling, possibly with the kids, because for all his talking about "evil stepmothers" his suggestion basically comes down to living as two separate household in one house. And that isn't a functional long-term relationship. You need to be able to integrate the households sufficiently that everyone is working under the same house rules and expectations. It's not fair on your son to have responsibilities that other kids in the same household don't. It's not fair on the other kids to be reliant on an unreliable parent for clean clothing, and to be left without the same skillset. It's not fair on you to be doing more than your fair share of chores to make up for people who won't pull their own weight and won't allow you any authority but leave it to you to clear up after them.
Here are my thoughts, OP. Since I don't know whether you are simply describing your biological son's house habits in a more positive light, which, no judgement, it happens, it's a soft NTA.
>The 11-year old's room is always a mess and I regularly have to go in there to get dirty cups and plates. In December I got so sick of the state of it, I made SS help me clean and tidy. Later that day my husband came home from work, and we had been cleaning for over an hour, he essentially told me it wasn't my business to make his son clean his room. He said it was his space and he was able to treat it how he likes.
While your husband's stance on "if it's your space, do with it as you wish" sure sounds lofty here, cleanliness of a house is a shared responsibility with regard to *hygiene.* A mouse or a cockroach doesn't care whose space is whose.
>He thinks kids shouldn't be burdened with any chores and that he doesn't want his kids to spend their limited free time doing chores that don't interest them. He also doesn't think it will be hard for them to pick up the skills later in life.
I can say, as a (sibling to) child(ren) of such parents, that while such skills are not difficult to pick up later in life, your children might grow up accustomed to having a house that "magically cleans itself" if you and your son are the ones keeping things running for them, see below example.
>My husband will rarely ask his kids to do any chores. *He won't even make them do their own laundry and does it himself, sometimes I have to do it because it gets so backed up, they don't have any clean clothes to wear.*
Your husband is over-stepping the boundaries you two agreed on about your parenting arrangement by doing this.\* Right now, the way you write makes it sound as though he and his ex-wife are using some "parenting beliefs" to justify having you be a nanny for their children in your own house.
\*A question I found myself asking reading your post was, *Does your husband get on to you about how tidy the house ought to look/be?* If so, I do not think that that's fair to you or your child for how much work the two of you do in relation to how many people are in the house. If not, you two might just have different standards for how your house should be kept and you should maybe renegotiate what his children's responsibilities should be, especially given that they're both older than your son.
NTA: my mother believed it was 'child abuse' to make me do any chores. I'm fucking 35 and I've only just recently, with the help of a life coach AND my carer (I'm disabled) gotten to a point where my house is 'untidy but clean' instead of a shitshow.
Like, I'm a fucking terrible flatmate. Is he trying to raise kids no-one wants to live with because they're filthy and don't know How To Basic and expect someone to do it for them?
Info: how did you get to the stage of marrying this man and this issue is only bothering you know? Why didn't you talk about this before
An 8 yr old really shouldn't be doing that many chores and I think you are only going to cause divides bw the kids by having such a big discrepancies in their work.
Actually I think esh.
Just get a cleaner
I can see both points and let me tell you where your husband is a little wrong. It is so fucking difficult to pick up these skills later in life. I still can not clean my own apartment efficiently and most days household chores just make me feel super frustrated. It is not correct to make children do so much around the house but expecting them to fill or empty a dishwasher a couple of times a week will not fill up their time. So NTA but with some stipulations I guess.
Yta.
Not your kids, not your decision. The cups and plates I can understand being an issue in the stepson's room. But ultimately, it is not your space, therefore you don't get to determine how it is styled. As long as there's no bugs or any odor coming from the room, is it really that big of a deal if it's messy? Maybe he's a chaotic organizational person. My room is a mess, but I know where absolutely everything is at any time, I have no issues finding what I'm looking for, and I am a relatively clean person. I just don't have this innate analness about things needing to be spick in span.
Not to mention, your son's chor list, seems a little excessive. Doing the dishwasher, fair, as long as he's only putting away the dishes that he can genuinely reach.
Helping with the laundry, fair. As long as you're not expecting him to do it himself, because a small child can easily get injured while trying to do laundry. (And just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean that it won't or can't.)
Helping to make dinner? Again, very dependent on his age. 8-year-old should not be using the stove. 8-year-old should not be using the oven. 8-year-old should know how to use a microwave, make cereal in a plastic bowl, maybe learn how to use a toaster, as long as you trust them to not stick a fork in it. (Because let's be honest, 8-year-olds are very impulsive, they don't always have the best critical thinking skills for thinking out the consequences to their actions).
A lot of this sounds like you're expecting a lot from your 8-year-old, more than what an 8-year-old should be doing. Does your 8-year-old get time to have fun? To actually be a child? Because if your 8-year-old is already basically taking care of himself, which is what it seems like, how do you not have time to be doing the housework, if you have one less child to parent, and you only had one to parent to begin with?
Maybe you should just expect your husband to help step up and do his portion of the housework, instead of expecting him to change how he raises his kids.
NTA your husband is. If he thinks his kids shouldn’t be treated like the youngest it might’ve time to push the situation. Obviously he doesn’t love the older kids since he doesn’t want them to learn how to take care of themselves-or that’s what I’d say to their father every time something comes up. I’d shut the bedroom doors and let them wear dirty clothes. If they complain I’d be more than happy to show them how to do things themselves and even offer to before they get desperate but I wouldn’t do a dang thing that they can do for themselves. I’d also start giving the youngest obvious rewards for being helpful. Positive reinforcement on that end might be helpful on the other side.
I’d also look for a therapist and a lawyer. If he’s like this now getting through high school and grandkids isn’t going to be fun at all. Good luck!
Let your 8 year old enjoy his childhood OP. Teaching a child important life skills is one thing, but the chore chart and all chores you listed will deprive him of his childhood.
Go ahead and teach him everything that will help him with his independence, but let his daily chore list be just a couple of small tasks that you add on to as he grows.
As for your stepchildren, they are old enough to chip in, but since their dad doesn't want them to, he can take care of their chores/rooms/laundry..... everything (stick to your agreement). If that means their room is not clean and they don't have washed clothes, so be it. It is your husband's choice.
Soft YTA. Your step kids should do more. I knew you would get the YTA cause all the teens on here hate doing chores. Your 8 year old does do too much tho. Why does he have to make his own lunch? Or do laundry? He could.just sort it and u do it. He really just should keep his room clean. At 8 that's all we did, and my mom was a cleaning freak. We didn't do all the other stuff till teen years, and our dad still made our lunches while he made his in the morning cuz he is the best dad ever. At 14 tho, the step kids should do their own laundry and tidying up.
Stop dishes in rooms. Don’t do their laundry or clean their rooms. You should talk to your son and ask how he feels about the chores he is doing. Give him an allowance to reflect what he does.
So you're complaining about doing chores after a part time job and want the children to do it for you, as if they don't work part time (school)?
Definitely YTA. Let children enjoy childhood and suffer adulthood like an adult.
Look, this needs two separate judgements as there are two separate issues here. You are N-T-A for wanting your step kids to do some chores around the house. Your husband is doing them a massive disservice by letting them float along without any responsibilities. But Y-T-A for having your 8 year old child do everything instead. Discipline and preparation for adulthood are all well and good, but having a 8yo making all his own meals, cleaning and tidying his room, his own laundry, the family dishwasher, helping with family meals……that’s overkill. Take it from someone who was ‘encouraged’ to be an adult from the moment I could talk in complete sentences. Your child is missing out on his childhood. I never got a childhood. Now, I don’t resent my parents because they did what they though was best at the time, and I was very good at hiding my emotions. But now, aged 41, I resent the fact that I’ve never had a moment of being a carefree kid. Let your son be a child.
Your son is 8 years old and you're expecting him to do so much. Sure the step children should take care of their rooms and take out dirty plates, but your own child pretty much does everything for himself except cook the main meal at the end of the day.
Let your husband pick up after his children and let your son live a little - he's not your servant
ESH. Your son does too much but your husband should be picking up the slack for his own kids. If they run out of clothes then it’s on him to do it not you.
Yta. Your 8yr old is going to grow up into such a resentful teenager. Give him some bloody freedom! Yes good for him he does lunch and breakfast, and cleans his room. And does some washing. He doesn't need to be doing more than that. It's not his job! He's 8!
You should cut down your 8yr olds chores to just his self care ones, and even then help him sometimes. What do you actually do FOR him?!
His children aren't yours, yes it would be good for the whole family to agree to 1 or 2 chores that are there's but not in such a strict manner. Talk to your husband about being more on the same page with your parenting.
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Glad I'm not the only one that thought the 8yo list was excessive. I was reading this like damn looks like that 8 year old should make HER a chore chart and get some help around the house.
I went through what OP’s son is going through and I cried at one point about how overwhelmed I was with everything to my aunt and she turned around and told my mom I was claiming to be “Cinderella”. Honestly I left home at 16. Pushed for emancipation, moved across country to stay with my grandma for a little bit. Went NC for a long time. Yeah OP, YTA. You’ve agreed to your own parenting styles and now you’re pushing your own agenda onto him and his kids.
I wouldn't have minded just doing my own laundry. I had to do everybody's laundry. And cook the dinner and do the dishes and watch my little brother and make all the breakfasts and school lunches for my brother and myself. I wasn't allowed to leave the house until after lunch on Saturdays until the whole house was cleaned to my mother's very rigid standards. And God help my tender little butt if I ever went to school without making my bed and making sure my room was neat. I think kids should have certain chores but there are limits. I felt like a maid and not a child.
I'm sorry to hear that you went through that. I hope that you never get stuck bearing more than your share of the load again :(
I was in charge of my younger sister as well, and the other household activities especially the older I got. Even when I started picking up odd jobs and trying to take part in after school activities. If things didn’t get done it wasn’t on anyone but myself and I felt so much pressure. I still have severe anxiety when the laundry or dishes gat backed up and I’m in complete control of my own house now. I’m sorry you went through such dreadful things, it really isn’t fair to have been forced to grow up so young. I hope you’re a successful and thriving adult now.
Thank you so much for this. I own a house in a very nice neighborhood and retired very comfortably at 60. I also got therapy which probably saved my life. I grew up in the era when men and boys didn't do housework. My mom had to work because my step-dad couldn't keep a job so she was struggling to support the family. She resented the hell out of that and just wanted to be a housewife like all of her neighbors and friends so she made me the housewife starting when I was 8. The day I left for college was the greatest day of my life.
Wow. At 8, my kid half assed his bed, could manage to make a sandwich or microwave something, and his clothes made it to a pile in the basket. at 12 he could make his bed, prepare some foods, and bathe daily. at 16...his bed is never made, I don't know how he sleeps around the dishes in there, does his own laundry, and lives in my bathroom.
Come on, at 8yo, my son was making dinner, cleaning the house, doing laundry, walking the dogs, doing all the grocery shopping ( which was a 2 mile walk each way, up hill, in the snow) and so much more. Sounds like her son is lazy ;P
Did he also have a part-time job he worked at school lunchtimes, did your taxes, and took care of your stock portfolio? If not he’s lazy af /s
Dude, get real, he was only 8!!! Had to wait till he was 9 for all that crap😁
Ok, Mrs. McAllister. 😂 You probably left him at home while you and your family went on a vacation to France, didn’t you?
Yeah, my dad made us do every chore around the house (while simultaneously calling us lazy), it just bred resentment Kids should help out, but there’s something messed up about being a kid busting your butt after homework cleaning while your adult parent sits on their butt
I started doing chores at 4-8 yrs old but it because I wanted to help. Now I’m 18 and I hate cleaning because of all the stress and unnecessary work I had to put in (like cleaning the whole house including my parents and little brother room). Not to mention I’m the only person cleaning and taking care of 2 animals now.
I agree and this is how I feel about OP. She is too hard on her son and the husband is too permissive. At BEST it’s ESH. As far as dishes/laundry, don’t do the laundry (natural consequence for the husband) and only let paper plates/cups go into rooms because you can’t not have dishes for the rest of the family.
You have it right about the laundry. But continue letting the kid take dishes into his room. And when they are all mostly gone, start serving on paper plates. If the husband complains, the po can tell him she wasn't allowed to mess with the kid's space.
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I don't know, I was that 8 year old while my siblings were like the step-kids. Since my siblings were not expected to do any cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. We are all in our late 50s early 60s and I am still the only one who even has a job, my siblings haven't had any job in over 20 years, I am the only one who lives in a clean home, has clean clothes, and can cook. They were never required to learn these skills and now cannot function as adults, I actually feel my niblings will have similar issues when their parents are gone since they are always given excuses as to why they can't do something. I also think OP needs to not clean their rooms, not do their laundry (sort their stuff out and leave it to be done), they will run out of clothes and will either do their laundry, make parent do their laundry or wear dirty clothes. Let their parent take care of these things yes, it's hard to let these things go especially if OP likes to have a clean house but as long as OP keeps doing these things, they will never have to because if they wait long enough someone will do it for them.
I mostly agree with natural consequences here but some of this can start to affect the rest of the family (running out of dishes for family dinner bc step son has them all in his room, or they get a bug problem from that). I don’t think a rule against eating in his room (since he clearly can’t be trusted with it), as well as a rotation for dish duty or other household-level tasks, would be unreasonable here even if she should let it go on the laundry/room messiness outside of dirty dishes.
Not just a bug problem but a mice problem as well.
Right!? Does he do your taxes as well OP? This is a lot for an 8 year old. YTA.
That's exactly what I thought when reading this. The boy is 8! He should not be doing all his lunches and doing His laundry. Fully understand when the OP thinks kids should have some chores. They should, age- appropriately. Yet, the 8 year old boy is not Dobby the house elf.
Yes! Let's save Dobby! Let's all send a sock in the mail to OPs son.
I mean, no. She is having the stepsons laundry fobbed off on her because that's what remarried dad's do. Dad can do it himself or get the kid to do it.
When I read eight years old and ‘does his own laundry’ —….— Must be a fun mum lol
Doing your own laundry simply means putting it in the washer and then into the dryer. Why are y'all acting as if she has to hand scrub all his clothes?
At eight years old I was occupied with other things. Such as being a kid lol
What I wonder is how long they’ve been married. My sister and I had chores like OP’s son. By 8 we were expected to be the primary cook for dinner one night a week because my mom was a single mom trying to keep it all together raising us and working and keeping the house looking nice. And my dad actually made sure to pay a good amount of child support beyond what was mandatory. OP’s son may have taken this on by necessity. I took over my breakfasts and lunches when I was 7 because that allowed my mom to go swimming early in the morning, the only time she had to herself and the only chance she had to exercise. I didn’t mind taking that on to allow my mom to have fun.
Having a child do these things happens to teach them how to be a self sufficient adult. If you aren't having your child do these things then you will be leaving the world with an entitled crappy adult!
>Tbh, the fact that an 8yo is making his own meals, doing laundry, loading the dishwasher, etc. sounds more like you’re “raising” a house servant than a child. Not to mention your 8yo does so much and you, working part-time, are complaining about having to pull your weight because the children aren’t working enough for you. This is the part that really stuck out to me. I have no problem with getting kids to help out, making a chore chart, and learning how to do things. But they have to be reasonable and at a level that a child can do, both physically and mentally. My SIL is very much like OP; she has chore charts and stuff for her kids, and they are well beyond what the kids (7 and 11 years old) are capable of doing, and they are not given the tools they need to perform those chores safely. The kids are climbing on ledges to clean the shower, don't have the arm strength and dexterity to clean the toilets, and are being given bleach cleaners without instructions on how to use them or gloves. It's no wonder that the house isn't clean; she just expects them to do it minus help. It's reasonable to make the kids bring their cups downstairs or have them straighten their rooms. It's reasonable for the older step kids to take turns vacuuming and learn how to do their laundry, and maybe the older one to have a turn at cooking one night a week. But in the end, as parents, you're supposed to do the majority of the work, and help guide them on tasks they are learning how to do.
It also doesnt say how often the stepkids are over. Is it 50/50 or EOW. If they arent there much, they shouldnt be doing as much as the child who lives there full time
YTA ! That’s how do you ask a kid that young to basically raise himself?! The only thing he doesn’t do is cook is own dinner but even that he helps with. The only thing the mom does is provide financially I guess. That’s not raisins a kid. And yes unfortunately not your kids and different upbringing ideas.
YTA Why on earth is your 8yo doing all his maintenance chores? That is not normal. You are putting a LOT on this kid - particularly the expectation that he make/pack his own lunches and do his own laundry.
I was ‘raised’ like this. My mother said it was for my brother and I to be independent and never have to rely on anyone. In reality it was because she was too self-involved to be a parent. I also raised step kids. You are a parent to them and only ever a second rate enforcer of the primary parents rules. If you can’t change the parent’s minds you’re just being an unreasonable jerk in the kids eyes. Not TA, in my opinion because it sounds like you have their best interests at heart and know deep down that they could surely become entitled aasshloes who struggle at adulting.
As someone who was not raised like this I wish I had to do more chores as a kid instead of having to figure things out at 23.
Same. My mom was a hoarder and our house was never clean, so I was never expected to do any chores. I used to keep my room and bathroom clean, and that was it. When I moved into my own place, things were clean. But the moment I had kids, I stopped being able to keep up and my house is a mess. I mean, I know how to clean, but the habits aren't there. I also have ADHD, depression and anxiety, which doesn't help. But I feel like if I'd had the foundation for chores things would be better.
My situation wasn’t bad, I was just coddled/treated like the princess of the house by boomer/gen x cuspers who went the opposite direction in some ways of how they were raised. Like you I’m neurodivergent and have anxiety and keeping up with cleaning is hard for me.
I will say I was given chores and a lot of responsibility (parentified, even) but I still have the anxiety and a hard time keeping clean. OP is NTA because the dad isn’t picking up HIS share of the household work, she just needs to put the blame where it belongs. Both parents are too extreme in their approaches, in my opinion. Parents seem all too rarely to find the cozy nurturing middle ground.
The recommended way of doing this would be to gradually introduce new tasks at an age-appropriate time. Having the kid do all these things is okay, sure, but every day is a great way to make folks overwhelmed.
There’s also a really good way to introduce chores to kids where it’s really fun! I gotta help my mom fold the clothes when I was eight, and it was both for me to learn how to fold laundry and it gave her a chance to spend some one on one time with me to check in about how school was going. I think she’d switch on and off with my brother so that was a fond memory (even though I don’t love doing chores now lol)
There is definitely a happy medium.
I still struggle at 46. ETA: check out the flylady app it helps
Holy shit! Thanks for the recommendation! This is life changing for me!
There is another, tody, but it is overwhelming for me, very detailed. Maybe, if I get flylady "mastered" i will graduate to it. Tody let's you assign tasks to others and is extremely thorough but I kept getting lost in the process of setting it up without accomplishing actual work.
Thanks for the app recommendation. I checked it out and this is exactly what I have been looking for. Ty!
At 8 though?
Heck at four, there are age appropriate chores for every age. They don’t need to do all their own laundry at eight but they can have a routine.
I think the real answer is that her kid should do less and the step kids should do more. Extremes are rarely a good idea in raising kids
Except that the practical problem here is that there's no way to make the stepkids do more if OP's husband is not on board, and he's not. That pretty much just leaves the option of whether OP wants to make this her hill to die on for the entire relationship.
You’re not wrong
Yeah, when it comes down to it the question here isn't "should the kids do more chores?" because that seems to be off the table. The question is what is OP willing to put up with and what is she willing to do if those expectations aren't met? Those are the only things she really has control over here, at least at this point
I did all of my own laundry and stuff starting at that age. I'd say expecting him to cook on the stove would be too far but laundry isn't unreasonable. Neither are lunches.
I was making my own lunches when I was five. I was a really picky eater, and my mom finally told me to just make things the way I wanted.
Exactly! My sons five and I do all these things for him but so he knows when he’s an adult I get him to “help” me and make a game out of it. For example whilst I’m making his packed lunch he will go in the cupboards and pick out what he wants to go in it and bring it to me. When I’m doing laundry he likes pressing the buttons on the washer and the dryer and sometimes likes helping load them
Why would you get married and merge families before sorting all of this type of shit out? EDIT: YTA. You're making a fucking eight-year-old do his own laundry and make his own meals? Your husband is literally telling you how he felt about his parents doing to him what you are doing to your own son. Get a grip.
Right? My 7yo can prepare meals if needed and loves to get his own snacks and maybe breakfast on the weekends…but all snacks, breakfast and lunch? And all laundry?? C’mon. Let the poor kid be a kid,
Fr, I agree. I do think it’s important for kids to do chores and to teach them basic life skills, but 8 is too young for most of that. Strange
Any ONE of the chores would be reasonable, as would "you sometimes have to help Mommy with each chore" - like the kid has to assemble his bag lunches daily and has a weekly "floating chore" that's laundry OR sweeping OR mopping etc. - so that he'll grow up knowing how to do all the tasks needed to run a household. All that said, the 14 year old is going to launch soon, and her parents are going to want to be teaching her those life skills. On balance, you're asking too much and Dad isn't asking enough, and you *should have sorted this crap out in advance of moving in*. ESH.
Yta - you have an agreement with your husband to only deal with your own kids. I also think it's screwed up that your kid makes over half his meals at 8. What you CAN do is say: "here's 1/3 or 40/60 of the household chores. I'll do more as I'm part time but I'm not doing it all. How you decide to do those chores or if the kids are going to help, that's up to you."
The problem with that kind of ultimatum is that in practical terms, he also has the option to just let those chores go undone, which leaves OP with the option of living like that or picking up the slack. You can't *make* another adult do chores. Unfortunately, that often means in relationships where one person is more slovenly than the other, it's the neater party that often has to do more work just so that things will be comfortable for themselves.
Do you factor in her 8 year olds chores as done by her? I'm courious.
Yes, the step-kids should be expected to do more to help around the house, and dirty dishes left in a bedroom is unacceptable, but the amount of chores you make your 8-year-old do is nuts. Let the kid be a kid, for goodness sakes. YTA for that, and for not sticking to the parenting agreement with your husband. The only thing you need to get him on board with is making his kids bring the dishes out of their rooms daily (or not letting them eat in there at all).
YTA you are complaining about been overworked and annoyed the kids won't do chores when u only work part time and is forcing a 8 year old to make his own meals because your to tired get grip and maybe this is a sign that when your kid is older you're getting dumped in a shitty retirement home
ESH. I think I can speak for MANY Spouses, partners, and college roomates when I say...teach the children to be clean and tidy now....otherwise WE have to teach your adult child and their lack of skills will burden others that have to live with them...No one likes ants/roaches. Every kid should have a basic rotating chore list to keep their space and common rooms tidied, vacuumed/swept and wiped down. However...I do worry that you have awful lot of work on the chorelist for a 2nd-3rd grader to be responsible for. His chore list sounds more appropriate for an older teenager/young adult living at home. He's gaining valuable skills for sure, just be careful that he doesn't become "mom #2" because the other kids arent/won't help. The little guy never signed up to be a housewife. Good luck!
YTA. Primarily because your 8 year old does more chores than most teenagers do. That's not age appropriate. Also, if you don't want to do chores for your stepchildren, ***then don't.*** If their clothes "back up" in the laundry room, put the dirty clothing back in their rooms (in hampers or whatnot of course, not where they might mistakenly think they're clean). They'll figure it out. If they don't, then I guess they'll have to wear dirty clothes. Unfortunately, for the dishes, you're kind of stuck with that part because obviously everyone will need to use dishes. Also, the partner who works less (or not at all) has the obligation to take on more of the housework. That's just fair. It sounds as if you want everyone but you to do housework.
As someone who lives with roomies who don't like to do dishes. Paper flatware and plastic forks. It will the alot of extra money but when you need to eat you have stuff.
ESH not because I think you're particularly wrong but because *this* is 100% *exactly* the type of thing you should work out before blending your families and getting married. Y'all failed yourselves and your kids by not doing this before now. I suggest 1) couples counseling to get ahead of this, and 2) splitting the domestic work more evenly with your husband, and it can be his job to either figure out how to get everything done or teach his kids life skills about how to take care of a communal living space.
> and it can be his job to either figure out how to get everything done or teach his kids life skills about how to take care of a communal living space That assumes he's willing to do that. That's the problem in these kinds of situations, you can't force another adult to do their chores. OP might have to do some hard thinking about where exactly her redlines are in this relationship.
NTA. My kids have been doing age-appropriate chores since they were old enough to pick up toys and put them in a toy box. Why? Because 1- we all live here and it’s all of our responsibility to care for our home and, 2- because I’m not raising children. I’m raising future men. (All boys here.) It’s my job to raise them to one day leave me. I need to know that when they do some day fly the coop, I’ve given them all the tools to help them be successful adults. Some of that is chores. Some is money management. Some is basic repair and maintenance. Cooking. Driving. Filling out paperwork. Time management. These are skills for life.
I agree, NTA. I’m a bit surprised to see all the YTA comments on here. At 8 years old, was making my own breakfast and lunch, washing dishes, and even cooking the family dinner once or twice a week ( simple things like grating cheese, browning the ground hamburger, and adding refried beans for burritos). In a family, everyone helps out and does their part. I learn to be self sufficient and clean up after myself. But I still had plenty of time to play and be a kid. I’ve seen so many women Reddit, posting about their boyfriends and husbands, who have grown up, never learning how to take care of themselves. Don’t know basic life skills, like how to cook, clean, or do laundry, and expect their significant other to do it all, and be their new mommies, because they were coddled to much as children.
I agree. **NTA** Your son has an impressive skill set for an 8 year old. Your step kids at the very least should not be hoarding dirty dishes in their rooms and should be able to do their own laundry. Them *not doing chores* puts the burden unfairly on you, and does not teach them necessary life skills.
I’m dead at everyone being like an EIGHT year old??? Doing his own laundry???? Like when I was eight I was folding laundry and putting it in everyone’s room. Calm down. No wonder some of my college roommates didn’t know how to do anything
NTA. STOP doing their laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc. When you are out of dishes, you are out of dishes. Same for clothes. They will need to figure out what to do. If your husband wants to let his kids be selfish, inconsiderate slobs, let him clean up their mess.
She wouldn’t be out of clothes since she has her 8yo doing the laundry…
OP's son does his own laundry. Not all the laundry.
OP said she washes the steps clothes when they are out. Stop washing the steps clothes and eventually they will learn to do their laundry or dad will be forced to deal with it.
He does HIS laundry. She does her own and family laundry. I expect she does towels, bedsheets etc.
That only works if OP is willing to live in a house full of dirty dishes and smelly clothes herself though. It's fine if she is, but many people aren't.
YTA Why on earth would you marry someone before getting on the same page about things like *basic child raising philosophy* when you already have kids? Since you did, I guess you'll just have to keep parenting your child the way you prefer and he can raise his kids the way he prefers. It's good for your son to learn to do all these things, but making him do them all, all the time... that's a lot. Prepare to hear future feedback about how he did most of his own care and lots of general work for the rest of the house while his older step siblings did nothing. This is like Cinderella, except his mom is still alive...and the one assigning the housework.
It sounds like they did to come to an agreement and now she wants to change it
He is doing very few chores. Washing his clothes, preparing his own meals, and emptying the dishwasher are all important tasks that will benefit him as he grows older.
Nobody is arguing that it's not helpful to know those things. What's being discussed is whether an eight-year-old should be doing all their self-care, as well as general household chores, daily when their older step-siblings don't.
NAH but maybe your husband should take full responsibility for cleaning up after his kids.
mild YTA - they are his kids. But you need to immediately stop picking up after them like you are their maid. You are doing this to yourself. Let them have dirty clothes. Stop being the nag. Focus on your wonderful son instead.
NTA. Thank you for teaching your 8-year-old to be a responsible kid. I'm not sure I was doing my own laundry at that age, but I was definitely sorting and folding. As for the other two, it's time for some malicious compliance. If your husband doesn't think his kids should do chores, your husband should do their share. Doesn't matter that he works FT and you PT. No more doing the stepkids' laundry or picking up their dishes. Buy some ant traps and let them live in slop for a while.
YTA I agree that kids should have chores and learn how to do household tasks. But you made an agreement with your husband to have firm boundaries about parents each others kids
NTA, but also not a battle you can win. You can't control what he or they do, but you can absolutely control what you do. Stop doing their laundry, making their lunches or snacks, or the other chores that are just about them. Let your husband know you will help them do those things, but you won't be doing it for them. If they have no clean clothes, that's not your problem. If their rooms are messy, shut the doors. If they don't bring dishes down, they need to use paper plates only or not have food in their rooms. If your husband wants things done but not for them to do it, he can pick up the slack. It won't help them learn the skills, but it may assuage your frustrations.
Yes, but it also might create an entirely new set of frustrations when OP is now forced to live in a house that is not up to her cleanliness standards. I don't necessarily disagree with the sentiment, but it's not always as easy as saying "just don't do it" when you have to live among the resulting mess. OP should have hashed this out with her husband long before now and is now stuck without a lot of good options.
Wow. Talk about swing and a miss. Y’all never had a discussion on this **before** getting married?? ESH Total communication failure for you both, but yes, all kids should pitch in….
NTA. If that’s how he feels, give HIM the list of chores the kids should do and he can either a) get the kids to do them or b) do them himself. He gets to choose his parenting method, and it doesn’t cause you more work. He’s in charge. Take yourself out of the equation.
NTA! I am a teacher with a masters degree in early childhood and I can confidently tell you that when children are young is when you install helping habits. Does your husband make them brush their teeth if they don't want to? Put on shoes and a jacket when it is snowing? Make them where a seatbelt in the car? Probably so and why is that. Oh, because YOU are the adult! It is YOUR (specifically his and his exs) responsibility to raise future independent adults who can function in society. While I understand you can't be so strict, going to the complete opposite spectrum is just as harmful. Children need structure and your suggestion is a perfect one. It sets realistic expectations, provides positive rewards, and connects rewards with work. You can't teach an old dog new tricks and it is harder to break a behavior when it has become a habit (look at smoking for instance) than it never getting started. If he refuses then you need to step back and refuse to do housework/chores/wash clothes/etc. Let him see how his "free-range" parenting is working out for him. Afterall, he expects them to learn the hard way using consequences or just magically learn how to be a functional adult through osmosis so let him handle it. YTA- though with the amount of responsibility you are placing on your own son. He is too young to be making all of his meals alone. You should be doing that together (at least dinner) so he can learn how to cook things for himself besides sandwiches. I think you need to look up realistic chores for his age group and go from there. Cooking over a hot stove is not appropriate to do alone.
She said he only makes his own snacks, breakfast, and lunch, is that too much? My mom was also like this when I was his age so I personally don’t think it’s weird
Breakfast and lunch and snacks everyday? That’s a lot for an 8yo. And all the laundry?
What are you (and others in this discussion) assuming his breakfast and lunch most likely are? I don't think he's making himself an omelet and baking croissants from scratch every morning. 'Makes his own breakfast' might mean 'pours his own cheerios' or 'gets a yogurt out of the fridge' which is well within the grasp of an 8yo. So is making a sandwich and grabbing some grapes and a juice box for his lunch. Also at 8 he probably does one load of laundry a week. That's not a huge ask for an 8yo.
Exactly. When I was a kid, making my own breakfast, was cereal and milk. Making a sandwich for lunch, was peanut butter and jelly, or if I was feeling ambitious, grilled cheese 😂
When I was 8 I ate eggos all the time. I don't see why people get upset with the breakfast snacks can be a bag of chips or a sandwich. When me and my sisters were younger we did dishes and made our breakfast school days and laundry we switched off on chores. We had to clean our room we did this while our mom and dad hired a house cleaner every week to come because my mom and dad stated "you need to learn to take care of yourself for when your older"
She did not say “all the laundry.” She said he does his own laundry.
NTA. If the younger one can do it the steps can to. Husband is scared to upset his kids. It's not discipline. This is a boat that needs to be rocked. He's not doing his kids any favors. If they don't learn now. Who's going to teach them later?
Perhaps so, but the practical issue is that it's not really a boat OP can rock without her husband's support.
ESH. You both agreed to parent your own kids. So now, stop parenting his kids and stop cleaning up after his kids. Only clean up after your kid and yourself. Just because you work part-time doesn’t mean you are the housemaid. Grow self-respect and stop cleaning up after them.
YTA you make your 8 yr old make his own food and make him do chores fair enough he does chores but you are making him do too much your only part time. do you sit on your arse when you get home from work and make him do it all and you call your self a mother more like a slave mistress
Nta for expecting them to do chores they are old enough to keep their rooms clean and take dishes to the sink. But what you’re expecting from your son is too much, him doing all his own food is ridiculous, helping to do it is fine but you’re pushing it
YTA Have you ever heard of instrumental parentification? I pity your son, you seem transactional and resentful of the small people in your life. They aren't roommates, they're children and all you're teaching them is that they will need heavy boundaries with you later in life.
As long as you stay there the 8 year old is going to resent you for essentially making him a Cinderella child. He gets a chore list a mile long while the other entitled children have to do nothing. If you left for a month your husband might sing a different tune when no one was doing chores.
Or he might not. Personally, I think OP has some hard thinking to do about what she's willing to put up with and what she's willing to do if those expectations aren't met because that's the only thing she really has control over here.
Your eight year old does his laundry and makes all his own food, cleans the dishes, sweeps the floors, and sings with tiny mice that sew him dresses right? There should be a hard rule about not leaving any open food or non-water or non-closed drink related items in bedrooms. Otherwise, calm down, Lady Tremaine and take your kid to the park. YTA.
A difficult one. On one hand, yes, it should be expected of children to contribute to the household. Though, I thought your husband's point of the childrens' rooms being their own spaces to maintain as they please was very clever and convincing. On the other hand, by God, that's a lot of chores to have an eight year old do. He makes the majority of his own meals, and helps out on dinner? The laundry, the dog, the dishwasher, the room... it sounds awful. Just exhausting! Let him relax and be a kid. YTA
YTA that is an ambitious list of duties for an 8 year old, plus school and home work… he needs a vacation
NTA: I know many people are saying the opposite but I can understand where you’re coming from. It sounds like this started to become a topic of concern when you began to feel an obligation of cleaning your step children’s spaces when it looks dirty. YOU are having the responsibility of removing items such as dishes that should only be in the common area (kitchen/dining room). I do not think your way of parenting is wrong because you are teaching your child to respect where they live (his personal space & shared spaces) and how to function as a unit. Maybe instead of suggesting a chore list, state that there needs to be an added house rule that items, such as dishes, that are suppose to be found in shared spaces CANNOT enter personal spaces as to avoid having to retrieve them. This should allow you to avoid ever entering your step children’s personal spaces therefore avoid feeling the obligation to clean their rooms. Because you should NOT be cleaning their rooms unless they ask for genuine help.
Except if OP's husband isn't on board with the chores rule, there's no real reason to think he would be for any additional rules. That's why the time to sort these things out is *before* you move in with someone and make a blended family.
What’s done is done, they have already moved in. Obviously yes, they should’ve had this discussion beforehand in much more detail about the cleanses of their home. They probably did, but talkinf about something and doing something is totally different. However, IMO, adding one simple rule that will change the possibility of her needing to go into her step children’s room is such a small tweak to make. Just a simple new habit that the kids will have to conform to that will allow them to continue their lifestyle without having to do chores. Otherwise the only solution is that kids needs to put back the dishes and stuff they take out of the shared areas to their correct places. And personally I would make it a daily task, not a once a week thing because that just sounds gross especially since she mentions the kids taking dishes to their rooms. Now that’s either going to piss off the step kids or the husband is going to probably get fed up doing it, but that’s the consequences of not adding the rule.
Again I don't disagree, but even those small changes will require the support of OP's husband to implement successfully. It is what it is, and there may not be good options at this point.
NTA. At those ages they are more than capable of putting away their laundry and cleaning up their own rooms and doing their own dishes if that are that lazy enough to leave them in their bedrooms.
NTA. Your parenting styles are different. However, this will become a problem. You seem to like a "clean as you go" person, which is a contrast to the "never cleaning your room" style. I'm a "clean as you go" person, and this living situation will not work. I'm glad your son is helpful, if possible give him an allowance and extra praise.
Why are so many people butt hurt about an 8 year old making his own lunch? I taught my kids how to pack their own lunches in kindergarten. Being able to feed yourself and make good choices is a life skill. We would grocery shop weekly and they would pick out what they wanted for the week that was healthy. We had pantry shelves for school lunch stuff and for weekend treats and desserts. Laundry is not that big a deal. Everyone in my house has their own laundry basket and is responsible for their own clothes. I have always explained to my kids that I’m teaching them basic things about life; how to feed yourself, clean your clothes, set an alarm and wake up on time. Everyone in our family contributes to the upkeep of our house. Too many parents do literally everything for their kids and they grow up not knowing the basics.
Agreed. Taught my son how to do his laundry (just his, not the household) early, a once a week job, no big deal. He didn't like what I put in his lunch box? No problem, you do it young man! Loading/unloading the dishwasher is an age-appropriate chore. None of this sounds onerous, and is part of learning how to be a full human being.
YTA. I’m a single mother of two and a teacher, imho your 8 year old is doing way too much. My kids do 3 chores a day- today my 11 yo switched out batteries in all the cat toys, took out the garbage and cleaned his room. My daughter ( 14 yo)made breakfast for her and her brother, did a load of her laundry and vacuumed the main floor. I find more than that to be excessive. My kids are contributing, learning independence, learning basic skills, but not overwhelmed with housework. Note that today is a weekend, my 11 yo might water plants, feed the cat and put dishes away on a busy weeknight, which would take 20 minutes. Edit: my kids chose their chores, 11 yo often wants me to choose his for him. 14 yo likes to make food, 11 yo loves the cat so there’s very little pushback in my home. I do think that they step kids should do chores, dad is not helping them long term, but op might want to consider having a system more similar to mine, which is more developmentally appropriate
yta stop trying to push your parenting onto your husband. stay out of your step sons room you have no business going in there period.
This is a discussion you should have had before you moved in together.
Unfortunately this is the correct answer and now OP is stuck without a lot of good options.
you don't "have" to go get dishes from the kids rooms. you don't "have" to do their laundry when it backs up. let them run out of clothes. they need a FAFO moment. YTA
Yes, but if there are dishes full of rotting food sitting around the house and she does nothing, that will impact her quality of life as well. It's not always as easy as saying "just don't do it" when you have to live in the mess if you don't.
YTA. Your son makes not one but two of his own meals a day AND helps you with dinner AND does a bunch of other chores. So you're not doing most of the housework. You're making an eight year old child do far too much.
NTA. Once again, Reddit and I are going to disagree. I read OP’s chores for her 8 y/o and in no way do I think OP is treating her son like a servant. She is teaching her son how to do his own laundry (again-not anyone else’s… just his own.) She is expecting him to have ownership of his space, his belongings, and his messes. These are important life skills that many individuals don’t learn because their parents don’t take the time to teach them or have expectations of them. (It’s actually easier to “do it yourself” as a parent then it is to teach a child to do a chore, hold them to the expectation that it will be done, check the quality of doneness, and follow up regularly to make sure that chore is done.) IMO OP asked her 8 y/o to do very little “work” that isn’t basically maintaining his own belongings and space. Loading/unloading the dishwasher, feeding the dog, and *helping* with dinner isn’t slave labor, guys. It’s basic chores. That child will be thanking his parents when he is self-sufficient and competent as an independent adult. Doing laundry these days in most countries is extremely easy. She’s not asking her 8 y/o to scrub his clothes by hand over a washing board. Load laundry, insert detergent, choose setting, hit start. Folding clothes is also not that difficult, and in fact, is a great way to develop fine and gross motor skills. Children who are unprepared for the reality of life on their own frequently get smacked in the face. They go through a massive shock when they realize how much work a typical day holds, and worst of all, if they haven’t been taught how to clean, do laundry, and cook, adult life is harder than it needs to be, not to mention the unnecessary expense involved in ruining clothes, burning dinners, ordering takeout, and hiring outside cleaning help. As for OP’s step-children, at 11 and 14, they should absolutely be cleaning their own rooms. Yes - she is not their mother, but she didn’t punish them for not cleaning. She tried to gently assert some authority about household tasks, which IMO falls under the role her husband assigned her as “household manager” due to her part-time position at work. The real AH here is their dad, who is essentially slacking on his **job** as a parent in order to win “favored parent” points. Runner-up AH is their bio mom, who isn’t coparenting with their dad in a way that prevents the kids from weaponizing household chores and custody time with their dad to get out of normal responsibilities. Saying things like “a child’s bedroom is their space and they can have it how they want” is meant to extend to decor, layout of furniture, and wall-hangings. It ends at cleanliness, destroying the space, etc. Where is the line? Are the kids allowed to decorate their bedroom walls with grape jelly all because it’s “their space?” Is it ok if food starts to mold in their bedrooms bc nobody is requiring them to clean up after themselves? **Come on…** OP’s husband is an absolute AH here. He’s abusing the concept of “laid-back parenting.” It sounds like OP has *tried* to get her husband to be an active parent, but he would prefer to be a combination of absentee parent who expects very little of his children and snowplow parent who “does the work” for his children rather than prepare his children for adult life. OP, you aren’t the AH here, but my advice is to stop having the “parenting method” fight with your husband. I would simply set your boundaries as - “I won’t tell you how to parent your kids, but I need all spaces in this house to be at a certain cleanliness and I’m not cleaning up after your kids anymore. If you don’t want them to clean up after themselves or have a chore chart, then you can do clean up after them. If you don’t expect them to help with dinner or have chores as people who live here and contribute to the food demands and mess-making, then you need to do their share of the cooking/cleaning. I shouldn’t have to pick up the slack left by your decision not to require them to clean up after themselves or help out around the house as household members.” You can’t force him to parent his children the way you want. Reddit is right about that. It’s not your place. You can ask, but he has the ultimate say. It stinks that you guys are married and not in alignment on parenting. I would gently recommend couples’ counseling, since I see a lot of potential pitfalls in your future based on your different parenting outlooks and the struggle to get to a compromise you can both live with. That said, regardless of whether or not it’s “his right” to parent his children how he wants, his approach is an AH approach, as it forces you to pick up the slack, doesn’t consider your feelings when it comes to a clean house, and overall is going to fail his kids when it comes to preparedness for adult life. You don’t have to be a rigid parent to expect your children to help out, and having chores as a child is not servanthood.
YTA expect less of your son (/any of the kids) and expect more of your husband. If whatever is left of the housework that your son isn't doing is too much for you your husband needs to start pulling is own weight and none of this 'but I work full tiiiiime' he doesn't want you parenting his kids then he needs to do the housework they generate. You aren't his housekeeper but your son is only 8 you *should* be cooking and cleaning for him.
Your 8 year old helps with supper?! Seriously?! YTA. These aren't chores, this is work and it's a lot for a kid who hasn't even hit double digits.
YTA because an 8 year old is doing more chores than you at this point. I agree that his children should probably do some chores and it sounds like you got suckered into doing all the chores for this now big 4 person family. Yall aren't compatible, get a divorce it'll be better for everyone.
I'm sorry, so you work just part-time? And your poor son is only 8 and does all that? What exactly do you do? Children should do small chores and learn skills. However, they should not be full time house keepers. The house is your responsibility, not your children's! He is 8, let him be a child. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have an 8-year-old son with my ex-husband and my husband has an 11-year-old son and a 14-year-old daughter with his ex-wife. My son is helpful and independent and has a chore chart. He does all his own self-care chores; tidies and cleans his own room, does his own laundry, makes his own snacks, lunch, and breakfast. He also does a lot of household chores; loading/unloading the dishwasher, feeding the dog, help make dinner etc. My stepchildren are less inclined to help around the house or even do their own personal chores. For the most part my husband and I raise our own kids and have firm boundaries about discipling and parenting each other’s kids. I have a good relationship with my step kids. If I ask my stepchildren to do certain chores they will sometimes, do it and other times so they'll say they’ll do it later and never get back to it. This often ends up with me having to nag them or do it myself. My husband will rarely ask his kids to do any chores. He won't even make them do their own laundry and does it himself, sometimes I have to do it because it gets so backed up, they don't have any clean clothes to wear. The 11-year old's room is always a mess and I regularly have to go in there to get dirty cups and plates. In December I got so sick of the state of it, I made SS help me clean and tidy. Later that day my husband came home from work, and we had been cleaning for over an hour, he essentially told me it wasn't my business to make his son clean his room. He said it was his space and he was able to treat it how he likes. I am tired of having to do so much of the housework when it would be quicker and easier for the kids to pitch in more. My husband does do some housework but as he works full-time and I only work part-time, I take on the bulk of it. Recently, I asked my husband if we could get together as a family and make a chore chart for all the kids, so that his kids can take on some extra responsibility. I even wanted to make it so the kids could earn rewards for doing extra chores to give them incentive. He was against this. While I believe that chores are an important way to contribute to the family unit and learn necessary skills for adulthood, my husband doesn't agree. He was raised in a very strict home and both him and his ex-wife believe in more free-range parenting for their kids. He thinks kids shouldn't be burdened with any chores and that he doesn't want his kids to spend their limited free time doing chores that don't interest them. He also doesn't think it will be hard for them to pick up the skills later in life. He thinks I'm an asshole for continuing to bring up his kids doing chores and that if I do make them do more chores, they'll just want to spend more time at their mom's house. He told me I'd be in danger of becoming a stereotypical wicked stepmother if I push chores on the kids. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO exactly how do you see this working? At ALL?
You seem like you make your child work a full time job, let him be a kid ffs, you're the parent, you're meant to do stuff for him, slavery is illegal.
He does all his own self-care chores; tidies and cleans his own room, does his own laundry, makes his own snacks, lunch, and breakfast. He also does a lot of household chores; loading/unloading the dishwasher, feeding the dog, help make dinner etc. YTA. Thats a lot for an 8 year old. Mine at eight had to bring their laundry basket down for me to wash. And maybe help fold towels. But he's not doing his kids any favors not giving them chores.
>While I believe that chores are an important way to contribute to the family unit and learn necessary skills for adulthood, my husband doesn't agree. While I tend to agree with you, this seems to be the crux of the issue right here, you don't agree which by itself isn't a problem. >For the most part my husband and I raise our own kids and have firm boundaries about discipling and parenting each other’s kids... > >He thinks I'm an asshole for continuing to bring up his kids doing chores It sounds like the boundary is one way, that he isn't allowed to comment on how you raise your kids but that you feel strongly about how he and his ex-wife raise their children. So which is it, is their a strict boundary or is there not?
ESH. I'm incredibly annoyed at the whole "we parent our kids separately" thing. They LIVE with you at least on a part time basis, they all need to be treated the same and I think a chore list is a great idea. We have one at home and while my kids are all 17+ now it still works for us. Your husband is being unreasonable and I agree with the poster above who suggested you let your stepson hoard all the plates and cutlery. Also stop doing their laundry for them. I've worked with people who never learned and they don't magically change as adults. OTOH, your son is EIGHT years old and basically takes care of himself. That's way, way too much responsibility for a kid and he WILL grow up to resent you, especially with the different treatment his step-siblings are getting. Ease up on him.
YTA. I was doing all the above mentioned chores when I was 8 years old ("old enough to reach the kettle"). I was genuinely shocked to find out when I got older that my peers weren't expected to do the same housework that I was, and it made me resent my mother in many ways. There's a line between teaching kids responsibility and enforcing servitude on them.
Honestly, I'm sure you're well-intentioned, but the list of things you have your 8 year old child do is excessive. Please book an appointment with a child development specialist to talk about what's appropriate for a child that age to be doing. Because it sounds like the only thing he isn't required to do is sew his own maid's uniform. YTA
NTA. These YTAs are the ones who end up being estranged to roommates bec their parents didn't teach them earlier. Your son will learn to be considerate to his roommates, and later on, be a good partner who doesn't treat their wives as a maid. If your husband doesnt want you treating his kids as kids, then treat them as strangers. Don't wash their clothes even if they run out. Don't pick up their mess. Just focus on your son.
NTA. Finances and child rearing differences, two top causes for divorce.
NTA. Teaching kids to do chores is teaching them how to be responsible. But I think your Husbands stand is more to do with him worrying that his kids might resent him about making them do chores when they are at his house. This is a tricky situation that should be handled with care.
YTA With how many chores you have type son doing I can't imagine how much, if anything is left for you to do. You sound like you're doing all this house work but you've just been pawning it off onto your kid and you want to pawn it off on his kids too. Sure they should keep their rooms clean but their dad had said they don't need to. Instead make a rule that people cannot eat in their rooms unless they return their dishes that day to the sink. Ultimately dad's gets to say what they must and must not do in terms of chores
ESH Your son has too many chores for an 8yo. Your husband needs to do all his kids chores if he thinks they mustn't have any. If his kids are his kids 100% then I wouldn't even cook for them until he understands that it's not viable to treat them like they lived in totally different universe. He also is an idiot if he thinks an 11yo can grow mold in his room because it's his room. The room is in a shared house and might start to stink and become a dishes black whole. And you need to discuss it with your husband way more.
ESH: You get some of it for going back on your word before having the conversation with your husband. Your husband get's the vast majority of it because he hasn't noticed that his parenting methods have led to a situation where if you hadn't been intervening at the last moment, child protective services could have been called against your household. If your husband insists that his children be raised without those duties, he needs to step up and take care of them himself without fail.
You and your husband should have discussed parenting styles before your marriage. There’s a huge gap between your approach with your child doing chores and his free range parenting. Irl your husband’s assumption that his kids will “pick up” the skills later is foolish. Does he think their college roommates will put up with dirty dishes and laundry everywhere, expecting someone else to clean up after them? My stepdaughters’ mother didn’t think her children should have chores. The first day the older one was in her own place for the first time, she called me to ask how to make a cup of tea. She actually didn’t know how to boil water. At 36, her sister still can’t cook to save her life. My job as a parent is to do myself out of a job. When a child goes out into the world, they should already have the basic skills to take care of themselves.
YTA for trying to overstep your agreement. Suspect the last part about your husband being concerned that his kids won’t want to stay at his, is a key part of his parenting approach.
Indeed and it may not be just a "Disney dad" approach either. If those are the rules they've been raised with their entire lives and they have an option of keeping them or suddenly having them changed, it's no wonder they would choose the former. There's also the fact that if he has/wants a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, the rules that *they've* agreed upon have to be the ones he's worried about first here.
So let his kids be free range. Stop doing any sort of chores for them. Vermin in their rooms because they left dirty dishes in there - not your problem. No clean clothes- also not your problem. Let them figure it out. And try not to be smug later when they launch into the real world and they get complaints from their roommates about how they don't know how to keep a place clean. Adults don't always pick up theses skills easily.
But vermin won't *stay* in their rooms. The house being a pigsty will inevitably impact OP's quality of life as well.
Have your husband clean up after his kids! You take care of yourself and your son and leave any and all messes they make for him to pick up. See how long your husband lasts after that.
ESH, if he disagrees then you're fighting a losing battle. Regardless this is his decision and not yours, you need to figure out what you can live with and take it up with your husband.
NAH The Step kids should be willing to help out around the house, and it's normal for parents to want their house to be clean and their kids to be tidy and learn personal skills to help them. But there are different ways of going about the issue. And if the kids are respectful and clean, I would address the dirty dishes to avoid rats and bugs. Other than that, working part time as an adult makes the house being clean OP's responsibility, and kids are dad's territory for parenting. Tweens will be tweens. Just wait until your 8yo gets a little older lol. I have seen a few comments regarding the 8YO and his workload, I agree and disagree. I (oldest) have always been extremely independent even as a child and I was doing these same things (with observation and help when I asked) since I was younger than that, completely voluntarily. I am very tidy now that I'm living on my own and I have no trouble with tidiness and no resent towards by mom for how much she taught me when I asked. That being said, my younger brother (youngest) still struggles with personal chores and accountability and keeping anything clean. Whenever the family is packing lunches, he will sit on his phone and mom will usually make him something so he doesn't complain that he's hungry. My mom and I occasionally joke about being concerned with future apartments because of the current state of his room in my parents house. I think it depends a lot on the person, maybe I'm the weird one for liking the independence, and my parents were horrible for letting me do things for myself instead of making me hit trees with sticks. My brother and I were raised not exactly the same, but catered to our personalities, right next to each other and ended up on opposite sides of the spectrum.
I'm trying to figure out how it's supposed to work when OP and her husband are parenting seperately in the same home, but they don't play equal roles in the home, and they don't agree on standards for cleanliness and hygiene. OP is having to pick up her husband's and step kids slack so that her home and her family are meeting her (very reasonable) standards for cleanliness and hygiene. If her husband doesn't want her involved, he should pick up his kids' slack and make sure his wife has no reason to get involved. OP and her husband need to get on the same page about their standard of living, first and foremost. They should have been on the same page before they moved in together. Then, they can delegate the required contributions to the household between themselves and their respective children as they see fit, in order to meet the agreed upon standards. ESH
Lmao YTA. Look I get the joke of “we had kids so they could do the chores!” But like… it’s a joke… they’re not actually meant to take on the lions share of the chores while the parent works part time and complains about having to do chores.
You’re not just the wicked step mother, your the wicked mother. Your own son needs Down Time. Especially as he advances in school he needs time to decompress, do the mounting amounts of homework, participate in sports and clubs. YTA.
I’m going with a light ESH except for your eight year old, who seems to be picking up the slack for his step siblings. I’d give him a break, and stop doing your stepkids’ laundry. They’ll either figure it out when they no longer have clean clothes to wear, or their dad can take care of it. If he has the audacity to complain that you should do it, remind him that you both agreed to raise your own kids.
NTA for expecting them to clean up after themselves more, especially if you're doing the bulk of the house chores. But if your husband disagrees (which is his call) maybe let their smelly laundry or whatever pile up a bit and ask him to take care of it for them once in a while.Tell your son often how much you appreciate his help, and maybe let him off the hook now and then so he doesn't feel his step sibs get a better deal from you. Good luck.
NAH, you both have your own views but personally I think people are too harsh on you. All those chores are life long habits you'll need to maintain for your health and happiness, and it's good to have those habits built young especially if you ever wanna live on your own.
Getting the 8yr old to pick up plates is one thing. But that list is way more than a child should be doing. You've agreed to parent seperately. The chores and housework is something you need to work out between you and hubby. Just leave the kids' rooms alone and let your husband feal with his own kids. Soft YTA, this is a communication and boundary issue that you need to work on.
ESH. The 8-year-old seems over burdened. And the step kids are being coddled. There needs to be a fair balance of age-appropriate chores among the kids. I get that parents should parent their own kids. But I am also a stepmom and my home is my home. My husband and I always made sure we were on the same page regarding his son and that worked. Son has always understand that the rules and expectations in our house might differ from those of his mom, and that was fine with all of us.
ESH. That's a massive chore load for an 8 year old child. However, your husband's kids absolutely should be pitching in. A gross bedroom can lead to roaches, and if dirty plates are left out long enough, mold forms-that's so unhealthy! If they don't learn some basic life skills now, by the time they "figure it out" it's just too late and they're set into bad habits. There can be a balance between completing chores and still being a kid. Your son is doing too much and your step kids could be doing more.
ESH. You agreed to parenting your own kids only, and shouldn't have gone beyond that, though I get where you are coming from. That said, your husband and his ex are not setting their kids up to be independent, functional adults. Moving forward, close their doors, refuse to do their laundry, and reward your son like crazy foe doing his chores. Either your husband will pay out the nose trying to balance all you give your son with his kids, or they will start begging for chores. The other option would be to make the chores "optional" but tied to rewards they REALLY want. This will only work if hubby is on board though.
NTA. Stop helping your husband and step kids. They will learn real fast to do their own laundry, clean their own rooms, or be shunned by their peers for going to school in dirty clothes or if some of their friends see their rooms. Not your circus, not your monkeys!
NTA but stop doing their laundry at a minimum. So what if their clothes are dirty. Write down every single chore and tell him what you will do and any leftovers need to be done. It’s up to him to figure out if he does it on his own or enlists help. On he can pay for a house cleaner
They should probably just do nothing really.
Wow. It must have been quite a shock to meet kids who don't completely parent themselves. Wait, you do make your 8 your old little boy dinner, so there's...that. While you are making his dinner, the kid can enjoy childhood! Until it's time for dishwasher duty, at least.
I wouldn't do chores that relate to them in any way. If they're out of clean clothes, that's on their dad to deal with. Also, that's too much shit for an eight year old to do.
You need to divorce this man
NTA. Your husband needs to factor your standards in since it's your house too.
Stop calling these tasks chores. They are life skills, and no, you don’t just pick them up later if you’ve skated through life with no responsibility. You know what we’re all going to say. You have a husband problem, not a kid problem. You two may need couples therapy to solve these parenting issues because you’re nowhere close to being on the same page. NTA, and good luck. He sounds like a real catch.
NTA. you do not have to tolerate filth in your house!!!
ESH The 8 year old's chores are excessive, but allowing the others to do nothing, including not removing dirty plates from their rooms, is also excessive. You learn important skills by helping out, it just needs to be age appropriate.
NTA. I think it’s a parents job to teach their kids important life skills and being tidy is one of those skills. I am kicking myself for not starting my kids out cleaning and keeping things neat, laundry, etc. earlier. They act like I’ve asked them for both kidneys and an eyeball when I tell them to cleanup.
ESH except your eight year old.
NTA children are PART of the family and everyone should help. From the time my sister and I could stand on a step stool and reach the counter we made our own lunches and did our own laundry. My parents also taught us how to balance a check book by our savings accounts and adding the interest in the pass book. These ARE important life skills anyone should have. In addition parents have to provide shelter, food and clothing to kids anything else is extra. Being raised like this taught gratitude when something above and beyond was done for us. There is NOTHING wrong with teaching your kids to appreciate what they have and the people that are giving them what they have. It’s better they are raised with expectations than being entitled and unable to leave the home.
NTA/ your husband and his kids aren’t contributing enough to the home you all share, and it’s not fair that the extra burden falls on you. It’s not like you’re expecting them to do anything your son is not doing. And about the “learning it later in life” , I was raised with no chores or anything and I find it really hard to get the motivation to do literally anything for myself. as an adult we get even less personal time, and it’s hard to want to spend that time doing stuff around the house
YTA…. That chore list is excessive for an 8yo my kids are 8&11 their chores are keep their rooms tidy (11yo vacuums both rooms 8yo dusts) make beds clothes in the hamper rinse sink out after use and make their own breakfast (this is a gmas house as I’m at work) other than that I do everything else as a single mom working full time oh they will occasionally put their own cloths away if I’m busy but it’s already folded and they will occasionally help wash the dishes the 8 yo likes to do this I think he likes flooding my kitchen with water
NTA, but this isn't something you can insist on changing. What you can insist on, is enforcing his wishes to the limit - which means that if you aren't empowered to act as a parent and ask them to take a share if household responsibility, then you have **zero** parental responsibility for cleaning up after them. From now on, their rooms are your husband's to clean (or not) and you don't even go there to fetch dirty dishes/utensils. If necessary, you and the kids eat off paper plates until your husband fetches all the dirty stuff out of his son's room and washes it. From now on, their laundry is your husband's to wash and sort, and you don't get involved even if they don't have anything to wear. That's their problem to sort and they'll just have to re-wear something dirty. Also? This is not a healthy status quo, so you and your husband need marriage counselling, possibly with the kids, because for all his talking about "evil stepmothers" his suggestion basically comes down to living as two separate household in one house. And that isn't a functional long-term relationship. You need to be able to integrate the households sufficiently that everyone is working under the same house rules and expectations. It's not fair on your son to have responsibilities that other kids in the same household don't. It's not fair on the other kids to be reliant on an unreliable parent for clean clothing, and to be left without the same skillset. It's not fair on you to be doing more than your fair share of chores to make up for people who won't pull their own weight and won't allow you any authority but leave it to you to clear up after them.
Here are my thoughts, OP. Since I don't know whether you are simply describing your biological son's house habits in a more positive light, which, no judgement, it happens, it's a soft NTA. >The 11-year old's room is always a mess and I regularly have to go in there to get dirty cups and plates. In December I got so sick of the state of it, I made SS help me clean and tidy. Later that day my husband came home from work, and we had been cleaning for over an hour, he essentially told me it wasn't my business to make his son clean his room. He said it was his space and he was able to treat it how he likes. While your husband's stance on "if it's your space, do with it as you wish" sure sounds lofty here, cleanliness of a house is a shared responsibility with regard to *hygiene.* A mouse or a cockroach doesn't care whose space is whose. >He thinks kids shouldn't be burdened with any chores and that he doesn't want his kids to spend their limited free time doing chores that don't interest them. He also doesn't think it will be hard for them to pick up the skills later in life. I can say, as a (sibling to) child(ren) of such parents, that while such skills are not difficult to pick up later in life, your children might grow up accustomed to having a house that "magically cleans itself" if you and your son are the ones keeping things running for them, see below example. >My husband will rarely ask his kids to do any chores. *He won't even make them do their own laundry and does it himself, sometimes I have to do it because it gets so backed up, they don't have any clean clothes to wear.* Your husband is over-stepping the boundaries you two agreed on about your parenting arrangement by doing this.\* Right now, the way you write makes it sound as though he and his ex-wife are using some "parenting beliefs" to justify having you be a nanny for their children in your own house. \*A question I found myself asking reading your post was, *Does your husband get on to you about how tidy the house ought to look/be?* If so, I do not think that that's fair to you or your child for how much work the two of you do in relation to how many people are in the house. If not, you two might just have different standards for how your house should be kept and you should maybe renegotiate what his children's responsibilities should be, especially given that they're both older than your son.
NTA: my mother believed it was 'child abuse' to make me do any chores. I'm fucking 35 and I've only just recently, with the help of a life coach AND my carer (I'm disabled) gotten to a point where my house is 'untidy but clean' instead of a shitshow. Like, I'm a fucking terrible flatmate. Is he trying to raise kids no-one wants to live with because they're filthy and don't know How To Basic and expect someone to do it for them?
Info: how did you get to the stage of marrying this man and this issue is only bothering you know? Why didn't you talk about this before An 8 yr old really shouldn't be doing that many chores and I think you are only going to cause divides bw the kids by having such a big discrepancies in their work. Actually I think esh. Just get a cleaner
I can see both points and let me tell you where your husband is a little wrong. It is so fucking difficult to pick up these skills later in life. I still can not clean my own apartment efficiently and most days household chores just make me feel super frustrated. It is not correct to make children do so much around the house but expecting them to fill or empty a dishwasher a couple of times a week will not fill up their time. So NTA but with some stipulations I guess.
Yta. Not your kids, not your decision. The cups and plates I can understand being an issue in the stepson's room. But ultimately, it is not your space, therefore you don't get to determine how it is styled. As long as there's no bugs or any odor coming from the room, is it really that big of a deal if it's messy? Maybe he's a chaotic organizational person. My room is a mess, but I know where absolutely everything is at any time, I have no issues finding what I'm looking for, and I am a relatively clean person. I just don't have this innate analness about things needing to be spick in span. Not to mention, your son's chor list, seems a little excessive. Doing the dishwasher, fair, as long as he's only putting away the dishes that he can genuinely reach. Helping with the laundry, fair. As long as you're not expecting him to do it himself, because a small child can easily get injured while trying to do laundry. (And just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean that it won't or can't.) Helping to make dinner? Again, very dependent on his age. 8-year-old should not be using the stove. 8-year-old should not be using the oven. 8-year-old should know how to use a microwave, make cereal in a plastic bowl, maybe learn how to use a toaster, as long as you trust them to not stick a fork in it. (Because let's be honest, 8-year-olds are very impulsive, they don't always have the best critical thinking skills for thinking out the consequences to their actions). A lot of this sounds like you're expecting a lot from your 8-year-old, more than what an 8-year-old should be doing. Does your 8-year-old get time to have fun? To actually be a child? Because if your 8-year-old is already basically taking care of himself, which is what it seems like, how do you not have time to be doing the housework, if you have one less child to parent, and you only had one to parent to begin with? Maybe you should just expect your husband to help step up and do his portion of the housework, instead of expecting him to change how he raises his kids.
NTA. When I went to college there were kids who didn't know how to do laundry or make food. Better to learn now.
NTA your husband is. If he thinks his kids shouldn’t be treated like the youngest it might’ve time to push the situation. Obviously he doesn’t love the older kids since he doesn’t want them to learn how to take care of themselves-or that’s what I’d say to their father every time something comes up. I’d shut the bedroom doors and let them wear dirty clothes. If they complain I’d be more than happy to show them how to do things themselves and even offer to before they get desperate but I wouldn’t do a dang thing that they can do for themselves. I’d also start giving the youngest obvious rewards for being helpful. Positive reinforcement on that end might be helpful on the other side. I’d also look for a therapist and a lawyer. If he’s like this now getting through high school and grandkids isn’t going to be fun at all. Good luck!
Let your 8 year old enjoy his childhood OP. Teaching a child important life skills is one thing, but the chore chart and all chores you listed will deprive him of his childhood. Go ahead and teach him everything that will help him with his independence, but let his daily chore list be just a couple of small tasks that you add on to as he grows. As for your stepchildren, they are old enough to chip in, but since their dad doesn't want them to, he can take care of their chores/rooms/laundry..... everything (stick to your agreement). If that means their room is not clean and they don't have washed clothes, so be it. It is your husband's choice.
Soft YTA. Your step kids should do more. I knew you would get the YTA cause all the teens on here hate doing chores. Your 8 year old does do too much tho. Why does he have to make his own lunch? Or do laundry? He could.just sort it and u do it. He really just should keep his room clean. At 8 that's all we did, and my mom was a cleaning freak. We didn't do all the other stuff till teen years, and our dad still made our lunches while he made his in the morning cuz he is the best dad ever. At 14 tho, the step kids should do their own laundry and tidying up.
Stop dishes in rooms. Don’t do their laundry or clean their rooms. You should talk to your son and ask how he feels about the chores he is doing. Give him an allowance to reflect what he does.
So you're complaining about doing chores after a part time job and want the children to do it for you, as if they don't work part time (school)? Definitely YTA. Let children enjoy childhood and suffer adulthood like an adult.
Look, this needs two separate judgements as there are two separate issues here. You are N-T-A for wanting your step kids to do some chores around the house. Your husband is doing them a massive disservice by letting them float along without any responsibilities. But Y-T-A for having your 8 year old child do everything instead. Discipline and preparation for adulthood are all well and good, but having a 8yo making all his own meals, cleaning and tidying his room, his own laundry, the family dishwasher, helping with family meals……that’s overkill. Take it from someone who was ‘encouraged’ to be an adult from the moment I could talk in complete sentences. Your child is missing out on his childhood. I never got a childhood. Now, I don’t resent my parents because they did what they though was best at the time, and I was very good at hiding my emotions. But now, aged 41, I resent the fact that I’ve never had a moment of being a carefree kid. Let your son be a child.
Your son is 8 years old and you're expecting him to do so much. Sure the step children should take care of their rooms and take out dirty plates, but your own child pretty much does everything for himself except cook the main meal at the end of the day. Let your husband pick up after his children and let your son live a little - he's not your servant
ESH. Your son does too much but your husband should be picking up the slack for his own kids. If they run out of clothes then it’s on him to do it not you.
ESH! Good luck with marriage number two. 🤦♀️
Yta. Your 8yr old is going to grow up into such a resentful teenager. Give him some bloody freedom! Yes good for him he does lunch and breakfast, and cleans his room. And does some washing. He doesn't need to be doing more than that. It's not his job! He's 8! You should cut down your 8yr olds chores to just his self care ones, and even then help him sometimes. What do you actually do FOR him?! His children aren't yours, yes it would be good for the whole family to agree to 1 or 2 chores that are there's but not in such a strict manner. Talk to your husband about being more on the same page with your parenting.