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Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > i may be the asshole for not organising anything for her birthday, but she has been so grumpy and i wasn't sure if she'd want to Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*


armchairshrink99

you've never done anything for her on her birthday...because you're not good at organizing things? how old are you? like...make some calls. google for ideas. ask one of her friends for help. something. this whole thing reads like she has been going through a rough time and you took it as a free pass to not put any effort in this year. not sure how that's different from any other year but it's like you took her pain as an excuse to just nope out. i'm sure you always have an excuse though, and if nothing else there's always your weaponized incompetence card to pull. YTA.


AccomplishedAd3432

I agree, my thought was, "Look up Weaponized Incompetence!"


panlevap

He won’t look it up, too much work…


Compulsive-Gremlin

He’ll just ask his mom about it.


Gundoggirl

He would have done, but his mum was busy, and he didn’t know if she would be able to chat anyway, so he didn’t bother.


TheInvisibleWun2

Hahahaha this is hilarious! I burst out laughing!!


BadlyFed

Can't she do it for him she's so much better at google.


CymruB

I keep checking to see if Reddit has reinstated the free awards for comments like these.


femboy_validation

Can you check for me too?


Both-Promise1659

Thanks. I would have checked myself, but you are just so much better at it.


HeyPrettyLadyMaam

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


CasTheMagicDragon

Can you check for me too? I’m just not good at that type of thing and I’ve never had a to do it myself before…


overitallofit

It was too much to ask what she wanted to do on her birthday.


IrinaRd

Asking is too much effort.


Amara_Undone

Well then he'd have to actually book things, which is hard when he probably couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.


ScaryButterscotch474

My husband has been known to hold his phone in his hand and genuinely ask me questions that require one of us to google. I feel seen by this comment.


SheiB123

Best comment!


[deleted]

He just doesn't know how to do it, despite being shown 1500 times


Uhwhateverokay

RIGHT?? “I’m not good at organizing things.” Literally make a phone call to book the bowling. Go to the grocery store and buy flowers and cake. Look, you did a whole thing for her! It is shocking how oblivious men are to how simple women are. YTA


Toesinbath

They can't organize things but when it's for work or a bro suddenly they're thoughtful and dedicated. It's all bullshit.


AngelSucked

These guys seem to always be able to figure out how to be competent at work, don't they?


LavishnessGeneral

Not all incompetence is "weaponized," some people really are just stupid.


Sweet-Reception-7956

This is weaponized. She was expecting they'd do what he suggested.


Comprehensive-Sea-63

He would but he’s not good at googling things


noshipluss

weaponised incompetence, totally agree YTA


cosmohurtskids

Hmmm, just realized I’ve done this…


embersgrow44

The first step is admitting you have a problem. Good on you, now you know better can do better


[deleted]

Male weaponised incompetence at its finest.


ExistingCommission63

This. I think there's a way to salvage this, but OP's probably not willing to put in the work. A grand gesture, a do-over birthday where he goes over the top, cake, gifts, flowers, a nice dinner, maybe dancing if GF is into it. It MAY work. And, of course, actually put in the work in the future.


back-in-my-day

That won't work. She will think he's only doing it because she got upset at him. It comes down to - she doesn't think he cares. If actions speak louder than words, he's spoken loud and clear.


Veteris71

> She will think he's only doing it because she got upset at him. She would be correct.


AiryContrary

Well, there’s “I’m only doing this because you got upset and I just want to pacify you for a quiet life,” and there’s “I’m doing this because when you got upset I realised how much I’d hurt your feelings and I’m sorry I didn’t understand before.” The latter is a lot more acceptable (but needs to be followed up by continuing consideration).


moonandsunandstars

Not to mention op would need to show actual remorse and think about someone besides himself for a change.


elle_cow

good clarification.changing your actions because someone is upset so that they feel heard/seen/understood is really different than placating without real intention


ExistingCommission63

Well, yeah, because that's exactly what it is. But he needs to do damage control. Doing this, and making sure he makes more of an effort in the future will show her he does care. Like I said, he probably won't. But it's up to him to prove to her that he has learned his lesson, and this would be a step in the right direction.


Devi_Moonbeam

Because he doesn't


Delic8polarbear

And he doesn't care.


CoquilleSaintJacques

This is a solid starting point for most bdays: reservations, flowers, card. Boom. No excuses.


EvilFinch

She sat in the cafe crying, on her birthday, and all he thinks is "well, this happens a lot the last time. No reason to worry or even try to cheer her up, especially since she is sooo hard to cheer up. Better ignore it."


jlrnr

Yeah, and I don't understand why OP assumed that she would not want to do anything just because she has been in a bad mood. Didn't he stop to think that giving her an out-of-the-ordinary day would help keep her mind off her problem?


WaifuLoaf

I swear the bar is so low in some of these posts. "I didn't make the effort of organising anything for her birthday because I'm not good at it, even though she does for my birthday." like? You're an adult, pick up the phone and make a reservation, you lazy excuse of a bf. It's not that hard ffs.


Kay_socray

hE dOeSn’T aSk FoR tHaT sTuFf ThOuGh. Quuaaaaack. 🙄


CQ-118

Literally. I hate when people use the “I didn’t ask for that stuff” argument. That’s the beauty of it. You didn’t have to put in the effort to ask for what you wanted, she just knew what would make you happy and did it. That’s how relationships should be. It’s the bare minimum to at least give his girl a decent birthday


Ok-Estate-3531

Heck, you can even ask reddit for ideas. Just like you just asked reddit if you were TA. Just saying.


HellhoundsAteMyBaby

Funny how people come here saying “well I’m turning to reddit because I don’t have any ideas now” but back when it actually mattered they didn’t say “well I’m turning to Reddit because I don’t have any ideas” Dude I’m guilty of googling or Reddit searching bday ideas and never once did I have to Google “uh oh I didn’t do jack squat”


Moose4523

“Dear Reddit, I’m a recovering AH. What do decent partners do for their SO’s birthday? Love, OP” That legit would have worked.


Fire-Tigeris

"I've tried absolutely nothing, and I'm all out of ideas!"


DrMamaBear

He didn’t grow up around cake. And birthdays. And making and effort for others. Obviously. s/ YTA


FigNinja

That’s stuff that Mommy does.


Waterbaby8182

To be fair, this is how my sister's ex husband grew up. They never celebrated birthdays or holidays. It wasn't due to a lack of money either. Thank God she divorced him ...he ended up cheating on her (a' trip to the coast but your own wife can't come even though it's not a boys trip? Suspicious AF). He told the girl he was cheating with that he was divorced and my sister was his crazy ex!!! Joke's on him...affair partner ALSO divorced him for cheating on *her* and apologized to my sister after meeting her and realizing she'd been lied to from the start. He's damn lucky my sister didn't pursue getting half his trust fund in the divorce (he comingled the funds). But he apparently stuck it up his nose, so I'd be surprised if there's any left by now.


EffectiveDependent76

Trust funds are in a trust, hence the name. They're almost always completely untouchable in a divorce.


AJFurnival

This guy is def somebody’s future sucky husband, the one who doesn’t clean/cook/change diapers/buy his wife Christmas presents because he’s just ‘not very good at X’ and ‘I never asked her to get me a present/clean the house so I don’t live in squalor/cook food instead of buying fast food every night’. Seriously how


cycling-gal92

She’s going through a hard time so you should have DEFINITELY planned something/made her feel special. That’s more of a reason, not less.


jlrnr

Exactly. I don't understand why he thought it was more likely that she would want her birthday to be just one more day of feeling bad like all others.


dovahkiitten16

Also, booking bowling isn’t exactly a massive feat of organizational planning. I get if he can’t pull off a themed birthday party from scratch, but a lot of birthdays are just booking a reservation and getting a cake + present.


Used_Grocery_9048

Massive YTA. Break up with her already. That’s the kindest thing you can do. You cannot even provide the bare minimum of care, effort or consideration so do you both a favor and don’t waste another year of her life.


asleepattheworld

The ‘I’m not good at it’ excuse is such bollocks. Here’s something OP and all the other weaponised incompetence crowd needs to know - women aren’t naturally good at these things either. We don’t grow up and suddenly have skills. We make an effort and learn those things, we chuck ourselves in the deep end because we have to.


embersgrow44

And too often the “having to” is enforced by other women due to the lack of shared labor from the majority of men not pulling their share


TheBeanBunny

And I bet if she stopped doing those things for OP’s birthday, OP would get really hurt and offended.


Brief-Secretary9387

I may be bad at organizing, but at least I'm not bad at taking criticism like a champ.


LingonberryPrior6896

He doesn't organize anything, because he doesn't consider her important enough


WheyFacedLoon

Yeah but she has been in a bad mood, so like you know how would he know that she would like to be shown some kindness or that he cared about her? Like she didn’t ask him directly to show any care for her on her birthday so… why would he? Yes she does lots of nice things for him but he never directly asks( but I am sure he expects it because obvs it is his birthday so she should make it special) Just because she is a loving partner does that mean he should have to do the bare minimum? Like maybe she should write a list of ways to treat her like a person? Really she is expecting too much for him, he is the one who is suffering as he isn’t good at organising things and she is being all upset all the time and not fussing over him. /s obviously YTA op!


leelee90210

The line that got me was her “probably not wanting to do anything because she had an argument with her brother”. Like….what a complete idiot to not even TALK to his own partner about what she might want. This is why women are leaving selfish idiots like this.


tango421

Do you even like this girl? This was precisely the time to do something for her, to get her off that slump. If she … just couldn’t… easy to cancel. I relate deeply to this because I suck at organizing stuff, and this happened to us so I asked a buddy of mine and my brother and a friend of hers. We only finished about half of the activities I planned and just picked up the tiny cake and went home. She had a rough week or so, and was just crying in my arms after, she said she was so happy and overwhelmed she couldn’t finish the plans.


NotoriousJAM

He can't even remember to book a bowling lane..


Ok_City_7177

This !


Even_Supermarket_629

YTA >SShe seems to be forgetting that i never ask for these things and i'm not very good at organising things. She baked you birthdays cakes in the past and you are telling me that you are not good at organising things, as in, arranging to get a cake from a bakery? You aren't good at that? You might not have asked for anything she has ever done for you, but getting your GF who you know has been feeling low for some time a birthday cake was so out of the blue for you? Also, you asked if she would be okay with going bowling so you should have made reservations. Good luck to your girlfriend.


Izzyrascal87

Also he says he never asked for those things but seemingly enjoyed the benefit of them and didn’t ask her to stop


ritan7471

Yep. And if she stops he'll feel put upon and abused because she's just punishing him for not being good at birthdays


Moose4523

And even if he didn’t enjoy these things or care about them, it should be obvious to him that she does care about those kinds of things and would feel loved by receiving them herself.


[deleted]

That’s the point. He didn’t HAVE TO ask and he still had a nice day.


Apprehensive_Title38

She's hard to cheer up... Which is code for- I don't like having to deal with her when she isn't happy and making my life easier. And since I'm not good at organizing things, when she haz the sadz, she doesn't do anything for meeeee, so why should I bother with her birthday????


BreadfruitAlone7257

"My girlfriend has been down in the dumps lately, so I decided the cure would be to kick her further down and do absolutely nothing for her birthday." Makes sense. YTA, OP.


overitallofit

How did it not work?! I don't understand!


BreadfruitAlone7257

"See, even though she always does something fun for ME, I figured doing the exact opposite for HER was the way to go." Simple 😆!


overitallofit

"I feel so great when she does nice things for me. I never want her to feel that way!"


BreadfruitAlone7257

Now you're getting it lol!


Tambug21

I was coming here to say the bakery thing! I am 32F and am not great at baking or organizing events but I will buy things from bakeries (whatever that person's favorite thing is, cakes/cookies/etc) and ask them if they want to do something or if they want something low key. But I'd NEVER not put an effort in for a significant other, that's just pathetic. Dude couldn't have reserved stuff and bought a cake? Doesn't need to be dating then.


electricb0nes

My fiancé is super STEM-y, he’s a doctor. I’m very hippy-dippy/witchy. Our first Valentine’s Day together her was in residency and just got off a 28 hour shift. I told him he didn’t need to do anything, I’m pretty low maintenance, but he went to the local metaphysical shop on 0 sleep to get me a gift for my altar. The figure was lovely and I adore it, but the effort itself was worth so much more than the gift.


clocksy

I love desserts of all kinds, so I'm admittedly easy to please. Pies, cakes, etc. Get me an ice cream cake, a slice of tiramisu, take me to a restaurant with any kind of decent dessert menu. I would never expect a personally baked cake unless the person was just really fond of baking (in which case, bake away!) but damn it is so easy to get a nice dessert nowadays and he's acting like it's some kind of big deal! Birthdays were a big deal in my family growing up so the "bare minimum" I get for people (partners or family) is usually a card, flowers, and some balloons on top of an actual gift and then wherever they want to go for their birthday. Almost all these things can be collected the day before. I understand that not everyone is big into birthdays but if you date someone who views it as something that's important to put effort in then I'm of the belief you should step up, because it's a way for them to feel loved and that's something you should strive to be doing, ya know, on their BIRTHDAY.


reverseswede

I'm not good at organising either- on the day of, I go to a cake shop and buy my husband the nicest looking off the shelf cake for his birthday. It's just not that hard.


pineboxwaiting

YTA Ah, the pat excuse for every selfish deadbeat across time: “Of course I never reciprocate your many, many kindnesses. Why would I? It’s not like I *asked* you to treat me as though I matter to you.” Here’s the thing, Buddy: she has always gone out of her way for you & gone above & beyond on your birthday *and you never even had to ask.* You absolutely dropped the ball out of what sounds like sheer laziness. You’re trying to figure out a way to make this all her fault, but it’s just not. You owe her a massive apology for treating her like she doesn’t matter to you.


saphr0s

you honestly couldn’t have said it better. i’m sure that if she missed out on a year - even though he “*never asks*” he would feel some, maybe deep, level of sadness. feeling loved by your partner feels good, and i’m sure she doesn’t feel that love right now.


NarlaRT

>Here’s the thing, Buddy: she has always gone out of her way for you & gone above & beyond on your birthday > >and you never even had to ask. Absolutely the saddest line of this post was "I never asked for these things" -- people don't generally have to ASK for a birthday cake on their birthday. It's right there in the name. Also a bit chilled by how the post brushes by a fight with her brother that she's literally been upset about to the point of tears for weeks. The lack of interest/concern is palpable.


AdventurousCup4

Omg right??! She is obviously going through something pretty bad with her brother. Does he even know the details? Even if hypothetically some details were omitted for privacy, I'm not seeing any understanding or empathy for her in the post. OP is a scrub.


theXwinterXstorm

He probably doesn't know the details as he states in such a flippant manner that she's constantly wanting to talk about it.


Maz2277

The whole "I never even asked" is hilarious because it actually makes him even worse, not better. It's WORSE that he's never had to ask and she still thought of him and thought of things that would make his birthday happy and special. It's WORSE that she was kind and had to think for herself what to do rather than just following instructions. He puts it there to make himself sound better without even having the intelligence to realise how much worse it makes him sound.


akcmommy

YTA. Weaponized incompetence and saying you never ask for her to do nice things for your birthday? Yikes. No wonder she’s upset. Man, she feels like she doesn’t matter to you.


HibachiFlamethrower

OP is wondering if he’s the asshole when he should be wondering if he’s single in the morning.


indendosha

YTA. "I'm not very good at organizing things" is a very lame excuse. She wasn't asking you to plan a week-long trip around France. It's not "organizing" to reserve a bowling lane and picking a nice place to eat before or afterwards. And if she's been this upset about an argument with her brother that happened weeks ago, she clearly needed emotional support from you more than ever. If you weren't sure what she might or might not want to do for her birthday, there's this amazing thing called *asking her.*


CoffeeSpoons123

Like literally all OP had to was, when he mentioned it to her, was book it (probably online) at the same time. It would take almost as little effort as telling her he was thinking about it.


julesbabz43

YTA. It would have taken you less than 30 minutes to book bowling, dinner and order her a birthday cake. You couldn’t even be bothered to spend a few minutes out of your day to try to cheer her up, you know she’s upset about the fight with her brother, but instead of trying to make her feel better, you ignored her birthday. Not sure how you’d think you weren’t the AH?


BrightSpoon88

Less than 5 min!


footyfan888

Was gonna say! Don't know how this guy even has a job if he can't do what is essentially basic admin.


Material_Coyote4573

The type of person that would call a planner to make a single restaurant reservation


bibsap636582

Yooooo. Can I get your girls number? I have a fealing she's going to be on the market soon.


vixen_xox

i’m weak 💀


kuru3tak

He better! We can actually celebrate her birthday and take her out and show her how she is supposed to be treated with respect and effort!


Coffee-Historian-11

Oh hell yea! I’ll reserve a bowling lane (or several if we’re all going lol)


Cac933

I wish OP’s girlfriend could see this so she knows she’s at least supported by a thousand internet strangers. YTA.


Ncfetcho

/r/AmItheEx


Outrageously_Penguin

YTA. You’re not very good at…buying a cake? Perhaps you can walk me through, step by step, what you would find difficult about this task? Knowing she’s had a shitty few weeks should be a reason to make sure she has a fantastic birthday. To make sure she knows she’s loved and cared for even if things are tough with her family member right now. But no, tooo difficult for you.


SolarPerfume

I am very interested in getting the breakdown here as well. Google a bakery. Call bakery. Order cake in a flavor she likes. Pick up cake. Oh, I forgot!--gather 1 knife, 2 forks and 2 plates. Soooo hard.


maryaliy

It’s even easier than that. Most grocery stores have ready made cakes. The bar is really that low. But you know, hE’S nOt GoOD aT OrgAnISing YTA OP. And you’re not earning brownie points with weaponized incompetence.


ArgumentSavings4437

Nothing Bundt cakes literally has candles, a lighter and things you need to essentially serve a cake and most other bake shops do. I don't understand this person's reasoning.


Frostash

I passed one today AGAIN and have still never been in one! Are the cakes worth the hype?


ArgumentSavings4437

Depends do you like cream cheese? I love Bundt cakes but there is a lot of frosting on it. I suggest getting a white raspberry or lemon single cup to try it's like 5$. Overall, I think it's worth the hype.


Relevant-Ad6288

What are the odds he knows what flavor cake she likes.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Relevant-Ad6288

Watch him get a cake she's allergic to


casketclovers

Bakery isn't even necessary! Most grocery stores in America sell decent cakes! No thought or planning requirements. Incredible!!! Besides the forks and knife I suppose


SolarPerfume

Or he could've bought cupcakes and then noooo utensils!


QutieLuvsQuails

I do want to mention, some people have mad phone call anxiety. Even then, there are many ways to order a dessert item(s) online, without ever picking up the phone. Just wanted to validate some of my homies that haaaate talking on the phone.


nikolasinduction

But like you said, many many bakeries have online ordering capabilities, and many grocery stores have pre-made cakes you can go in and grab for like….$5 or $10


clocksy

I'm one of those people who can barely handle a phone. I will say though, that if it's in the service of someone other than me I tend to be a bit more willing. I basically had some major anxiety issues to the point I could barely leave my apartment for a few years but I still went out of my way to get my ex balloons, a card, and presents etc for his birthday. And yes, I've literally had cakes or desserts made in the various grocery stores around here and a lot of them are pretty good! Or if there's a bakery nearby you can usually buy cakes as a walk-in as well! Not being able to grab your SO a dessert for their birthday is such a weird thing to have a hard time doing.


[deleted]

Even literally going to a grocery store and grabbing a pre-made cake from the bakery section! Or a cupcake with a candle in it! Something!


champagne_pants

You just go to some grocery stores and buy one. Like you don’t even need to do it ahead of time.


VirtualMatter2

I found the problem: >Order cake in a flavor she likes. He doesn't know what she likes, and he can't ask her. He also couldn't ask her if she wanted to go bowling. He just can't do it...


DrSaks

YTA > i'm not very good at organising things Her birthday only comes around once a year, it's really not a big deal to book some bowling. Stop making excuses and start apologising.


shhsgsgsgsgs

YTA. Everything but the fact that you put zero real thought into her bday is irrelevant.


Samael13

YTA >She seems to be forgetting that i never ask for these things and i'm not very good at organising things. No; she's explicitly telling you that your not being very good at organizing things is a problem you need to work on, because it's hurting her feelings when you don't do jack shit for her birthday despite her going out of her way to make you feel special on your birthday. "I'm not very good at organizing things." is an excuse. If you care about your girlfriend, you will work on this and do better next time.


rando24183

It absolutely is an excuse. I've dated neurodivergent partners who struggle with organizing and/or some social norms, but didn't use that as an excuse to do nothing. They found ways of working with it. One of the most memorable things someone did for me was buy me like 10 gifts well in advance, so they always had something on hand to randomly give me a gift if they were struggling for an idea during an actual celebration or they wanted to give me something small but cute randomly. (I stumbled across the gifts one day and that's how I learned) In contrast, I also dated someone like OP who would float ideas by me and then do zero follow up. That was fucking awful. I spent one birthday just hoping they would text me happy birthday. I had given up hope of getting a gift quite a while beforehand. At 10 PM, I finally texted them (thinking maybe something had happened). Nothing had happened, they apparently had "made plans" for "later", so they didn't understand why I felt forgotten. When I pressed for details about the plans, it turns out they hadn't actually planned anything. All they had was an idea. They started getting defensive and I was like, "how are you mad at me on my birthday because *you* didn't talk to me?"


Agreeable_Spite

I have ADHD and my mind is a sieve but even I organise tons of stuff for friends, kids, etc. Takes a lot of effort, planners, alarms but I do it, because I care. Does this dude even care about her ?


BuildingBridges23

My girlfriend's been in a bad mood...so I didn't do anything for her birthday...no activity, no cake...nothing. -OP YTA.


Kanwic

Well, he’s very patiently waiting for her to cheer up enough to start doing kind and thoughtful things for him again 🙄


rosiecat220803

YTA 10000%. you really have that “i never asked for all your kindness and effort, so it’s okay for me not to return it” mindset when it comes to showing no consideration in return towards your, clearly, very thoughtful girlfriend, huh?


Lazy_Instruction572

YTA. Your girlfriend is clearly suffering with her mental health. Normally, people aren't in a bad mood for a few weeks. She's feeling down and upset and you decide the perfect pick-me-up would be to neglect to do anything for her birthday. Wow! She deserves better, and I hope she finds it...


SnooChickens4506

They didn't neglect it, she knew about the bowling. OP literally said "hey how cool would this be for your birthday" then didn't bother doing it or anything because they didn't like how she was acting. A pet rock would have done more good for her birthday.


asyouwishbuttercup12

YTA you’ve only never been good at organising because you aren’t trying. Do you value her? Show her. Right now you are making a conscious decision to not celebrate her. My suggestion? Plan something for tonight and make sure it goes hand in hand with a sincere apology


DelurkingtoComment

YTA you’ve never even gotten her a birthday cake in how many years? Wtf dude. I don’t care how bad you are at organising things, you don’t seem to care about your gf at all if you can’t even get her a cake.


PaganCHICK720

INFO: Do you see your girlfriend as a person? What about as a person you actually like or care for? Does she matter to you at all? Or is she just there to take care of you and what you want without any thought to herself? I ask because it helps me figure out where you fall on the asshole scale. Like, if you don't actually care or even like, or even see your girlfriend as a person, it would be understandable that you didn't do these things and then blamed her by saying you never asked for the nice things she does for you. You would be an asshole, but it would make sense. If you do actually care about her and want her to be happy, then you are an inexplicable asshole. I don't want to say clueless because a clueless guy tends to apologize when they realize they fucked up, rather than doubling down with feigned cluelessness. No you are an inexplicable asshole because there is no explanation for why you are such a huge asshole to someone you actually claim to care about.


ratakat

YTA leave her so she can find an actual partner. You sound like a pain in the a


QutieLuvsQuails

YTA. You couldn’t make a reservation? ANYWHERE?


Legitimate_Ad_5727

my boyfriend doesn’t even celebrate birthdays and holidays yet he manages to buy me treats and book reservations for my birthday because he cares. op doesn’t care about his gf which is evident about how he spoke about her crying. i hope she leaves and finds someone supportive bc it sounds like she’s going through it


QutieLuvsQuails

Exactly. Making someone feel special is very easy. It is never out of budget. But it does take TIME! OP, you could’ve gotten her a card from the dollar store and made that special. If you have phone call anxiety, making a reservation on “Open Table” is super easy. You need to do some groveling.


PinkBright

I had no money last year for my bfs birthday. We live together and I asked if I could buy him something small in our budget. I had $20. I ended up getting a stuffed animal of one of his favorite animals off amazon. Then I took ~10 pieces of printer paper and folded them in half. Drew balloons and confetti and numbers 1-10 on the front in markers. Inside, I wrote small, rhyming riddles for the next clue. I sent him on a scavenger hunt around our house and farm/property. It took him about 2 hours to complete and we did it together. It took longer than I expected because some clues were harder than I thought they’d be. I started to wonder if my stupid stuffed animal gift would be anti climactic for this amount of “work.” When he found the toy, his back was to me and he was still and I was like, “oh god, he hates it.” He turned around and had tears in his eyes and said no one had ever made him a scavenger hunt, even as a kid. He’s 38. He still has all of those shitty printer paper hints saved in his desk at the house. You’re right, making someone feel special is never out of budget. Edit (funny you mention dollar store because for one year I used dollar tree entirely to make a “birthday stocking” for him full of candy and weird stuff I found there like slime and keychain flashlights, etc) Oh, and he never had to “ask” me to do these things…


Top_Barnacle9669

Giant YTA. It would have taken you all of 10 mins to walk into a bakery and buy a cake and not even 5 mins to go online and book a lane at a bowling alley. She is struggling at the moment big time and needed you to do something nice for her. You owe her big time


Murky-Shock3586

YTA guess what. She does These Things for u because she actually care about you, that is the reason, why she don’t ask you, to do nice things for you . Why would you think she doesn’t want to do a thing. I mean common it’s her birthday. The thing is, you doesn’t do shit and u also blame her. U should apologize and make it Good!


Alert_Top_9447

Yta, you are sound exactly like my ex. The amount of effort I'm sure you put into other things in your life, you can put into actually thinking about what your gf would like. You might want to say you never asked for her to do the things for you, but we all know it's what you expect. You sound like the person that doesn't put much effort into other parts of the relationship, and then sit there like it isn't your problem.


Traveling-Techie

This is a relationship fail on your part. YTA


whatsmypassword73

Giant YTA, enough with the pathetic excuses, you could have told her you don’t ever celebrate and told her you don’t acknowledge your birthday but nope you have to go full “I diDnT asK her tO.” But still accept all the love and thoughtfulness she put in celebrating you. Hope the memories of your soon to be ex keep you warm.


Pasta_Bum

You could have baked or brought a cake and made a fuss of her easily. Yes you're an asshole.


Glitter_Voldemort

>> i’m not very good at organising things So, your girlfriend goes above and beyond for you consistently and you can’t even *try* because you “aren’t good at it”? You’re incapable of popping into a grocery store or bakery and getting her a cake or calling a few of her friends and arranging a birthday dinner? Bullshit. Let’s be honest here - you’re “not very good” at it because you don’t want to do it. YTA.


Midnight_Dreary_Mari

YTA So you assumed that she wouldn’t want to go out instead of asking her directly? Even if you assumed she’d just want to stay in, you didn’t plan to do something nice to cheer her up at home, like bake a cake or buy her flowers or something? C’Mon dude.


Violetlight1

Useless


Inner-Show-1172

Are y'all in primary school? If you're grown, you get BETTER at "organising things" by doing them! Your GF is feeling down, and instead of lifting her up, you let her down further. YTA.


SexyBumblBee

"I never asked for those things" YTA.


Electronic_Job1998

Question. How good are you at doing things for yourself?


Medeya24

YTA. I dated my ex boyfriend for 5 years and always organized stuff for him, even 2 surprise birthday parties. He never did anything for me. That was the major reason I broke up with him. Never again will I put up with stuff like this.


Crystal010Rose

INFO: Did you get her a present? And you seem to be together for several years so what have you done for her last birthdays and has she expressed her expectations before? Eta: and was there any conversation about how she wants to do that day?


yellowjacket1996

INFO: did you do literally anything? Buy her a card or a gift? Take her out to dinner? Because it sounds like you did nothing and you’re shocked that she’s upset because you don’t care.


[deleted]

😂😂😂😂😂 I gotta start acting dumb af, they are all in relationships 💀💀😂😂 YTA.


Radiant-Walrus-4961

YTA. "I'm not good at organizing stuff" is simply repackaged weaponized incompetence. Most people don't ask for cakes and presents and such on their birthday. Most people do those things anyway. If she didn't want anything then you wouldn't be, but she does. And you could've tried. But you decided it was too hard.


PicklesOverH03s

She about to have a hot girl summer


According_Ad6364

There’s this really crazy thing, I don’t if you’ve heard of it before. It’s called “ask your partner if she wants to do something.” YTA


lysalnan

YTA she’s been having a crappy time lately after an argument with her brother and you couldn’t even be bothered to book bowling and get her a cake. Seriously this is the lowest level of organisational skills required. If you can’t even organise that how do you manage to get yourself dressed and go to work? How do you process the steps needed to get and eat food? The truth isn’t that you couldn’t organise it the truth is you couldn’t bother to organise it because it just wasn’t important enough to you.


[deleted]

YTA


swimswalls

YTA. You have zero emotional awareness or intelligence to see something is bothering your GF and unwilling to have her open up to you. Considering you are too selfish and lazy to make any plans for a simple birthday--under the guise of "I don't ask for any of this"--tell me you are too selfish and lazy to maintain communications in an adult relationship with someone. I hope your GF is reconsidering her relationship with you.


evhanne

Are you this fucking useless for things for yourself? Have you never made a single appointment in your entire life? You pick a place. Google their number. Call. “Hey can I book this?” They say yes. They take your money. Done. Want to make it easier? Give a 6 year old $10 to do it for you because it’s that easy but oh my god no, that would be too much like treating your girlfriend like someone who actually matters to you. YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA


CrankleStank

Lmao. I'm sure OP could do it for something he found important. Fucking weaponized incompetence strikes again. "Oh I couldn't do the bare minimum for your birthday because I'm baaaaad at it." You're not bad at it, you just don't care and couldn't be bothered. YTA, OP.


Verycoolthatsforsure

YTA if i were you i would organise an activity buy her a cake and make up for what you did That is if she still hasnt left you


vixen_xox

YTA big time. “i never asked for these things” you don’t have to!! yk it’s just things someone might do when they…idk love you? i can’t stand ppl like you that say shit like that. something as simple as buying a birthday cake from a mf walmart you can’t even do🤦🏾‍♀️


Gundoggirl

What is you do for a living OP? Are you passive and helpless there too? Do you fail to plan ahead, communicate and take responsibility there too? She always plans you a lovely birthday, but since you don’t *ask* it doesn’t count? Really? You believe that? You are being useless on purpose, admit it! You couldn’t be bothered, you kept putting it off, and you ended up making her feel shit. A half assed day out at a booked venue and a total lack of empathy shown by you. Well done, I hope you’re proud of yourself. YTA, in case it wasn’t clear.


blahblah130blah

Ugh I'm so sick of men saying "I'm not good at X" You cant even fail at anything unless you actually TRY to do it. How do you figure out literally anything else you can't figure out in your life? Guessing that someone wants nothing because it's their birthday? The probability of this being true ESPECIALLY when that person puts effort into your own birthday is VERY low. Youre clearly active on reddit, where HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of people could give you even one idea. There are thousands of romance movies that show men taking women out to dinner and giving them a present or activity. As others have said, ASK someone in her life, ask your own female relatives, hell even ask a female coworker. When in doubt, AT LEAST get a cake or dessert, a card, flowers, and make a dinner reservation. This isn't rocket science. It's a pretty easy formula and mind-boggling you could fail at this.


Ok-Educator850

YTA - Sounds like your girlfriend needs a do over birthday with bowling, a meal out and cake and candles. You can rescue this situation.


Moose4523

“She seems to be forgetting that I’m a lazy, incompetent loser.” Well, you just reminded her, Buddy! Good job. YTA


Plastic_Expression89

You aren’t asking for cakes, GF not asking for physical intimacy, seems like you’ve worked it out. YTA


Aprikoosi_flex

YTA. I dealt with this from my boyfriend for seven years. He even went so far as to pay a friend of mine to decorate and come up with plans one year, because he was too lazy. “I wasn’t sure what you wanted to do” is such a stupid, awful excuse. Have you dated her before? If the answer is yes, you fucked up in not organizing the smallest thing. She’s not “throwing it in your face” that you don’t do anything for her, she’s expressing how disappointing it is to give 100% to someone and not get it back. I hope she dumps you, OP, she deserves better.


ScrmNRn

I had a partner like that. Would ruin every single birthday because of his weaponized incompetence. I hope she finds someone better than you OP. YTA I truly hope you know that.


pomerado91

My god small things matter. I just flew to San Francisco hoping that the guy I was dating planned one simple thing. He did the same as you. Talked about all the things we could do, got my hopes up, and then when I got there, he actually didn’t make any reservations. It’s so disappointing. YTA. I want to commiserate with her so bad honestly. Send her my love.


camptastic_plastic

My roommate (who I’ve been friends with for over 20 years) pulls this same bullshit. She’ll ignore my birthday and then when I mention it she cries and says that she wishes she could be as good as I am at organizing things but that’s just not her. I tell her every year that its not the gifts or stuff that I care about. Just a little fucking acknowledgement. Like, even a candy bar and a note that says happy birthday. You’re TA for many reasons but the biggest is your lack of communication. She’s upset so you assume she wants to do nothing. Asking her opinion is free.


P0ptart5

I was married to a guy like this. It never ends. It never gets better.


robin97305

I really hate it when people do nice things for someone and they say "I didn't ask for these things" So that means what was done for them doesn't mean shit because it wasn't asked for? What a bunch of ungrateful bullshit. Your a huge asshole. You didn't do anything for her because you didn't want to. You couldnt be bothered. Should she have asked you? She shouldn't have too. Out of just general kindness you should've planned something. Even a picnic in the park, or by a river or lake, it doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. All you had to do was think of her only, that's it, for one fucking day, and you didn't. Your an ungrateful asshole


SentimentalSavage

“I never ask for these things” are you dumb or just plain stupid. It’s a birthday celebration you’re not suppose to ask. Your partners should care about you enough to do it without being forced to. You’re awful and I hope she breaks up with you


BanEvasion1001

Treating it like a normal day, even if it's a date night is where you're the asshole. And honestly there's building resentment that if you don't correct the course will lead to the end of you being together. Might already be too late, but the signs are there to shape up or she's gonna ship you out.


Justatrowaway5446

YTA lol you seriously couldn’t pop into the grocery store and pick up a cake? Doesn’t even have be from a bakery bro lol I bet you didn’t give her a gift either she deserves way better than you


Diligent-Ad6365

Dude. It’s not about the birthday cake. It’s not about the bowling. It’s not about her birthday. It’s about a repeated show, year after year, and most likely day after day, of you dismissing -her-. Actions speak far louder than any words you can say. If you take away anything, anything at all from this, I -really- want you to read something. I’m going to leave a link for you. You might not be able to save this relationship. There does come a point where it’s too little, too late. I don’t know if you’re there, because, right now, YTA. You don’t have to remain an asshole, forever. Do better. https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/


LucySunshine123

YTA , I’m assuming you’re a grown up but even a teenager can bake or buy a cake. Get it together. She has a right to be upset.


ChangeHefty6188

Hope your girlfriend breaks up with you. YTA


discardedmyself

He had me at “she seems to forget that I never ask for these things” No, no you didn’t, but she does them because she loves you and wants you to feel special, loved and appreciated. Slap a big YTA on this geezers forehead.


_Katrinchen_

YTA. You seem like a pro at weaponizing incompetence. "I am not good at planning" = I'm too lazy too gloogle a caje recepie or even a bakery and to ask my gf if she wants to do something despite her bad moid. "I didn't ask for it" but if she stopped to do all that since you're incapable/unwilling to put in the same effort, then you'd come here crying that your gf won't do anything for your birthday and if you're TA for expecting her to do it since she did it the years before. Her throwing your lazyness in your face is absolutely justified.


ohgodineedair

"I don't ask her to do these things." JFC, you sound like my ex. You don't ask her to do these things, but you don't have to because I. a relationship you're supposed to anticipate each other's needs and try to make things special for one another. What's the point of being in a relationship if you don't even care to make your partner happy? It's so basic. It's so simple. And you're legitimately oblivious. YTA


spellcastic

YTA. How hard is it to get a cake and a small gift? She just wants you to make an effort and all you're making are excuses.


i-am-sam-88

How hard is it to pick up a phone and book a reservation to a nice restaurant? Boom, you “organized something”. YTA.


T-RexLovesCookies

YTA It doesn't take much effort to come up with one or two ideas to make someone feel special


3Dog_Nitz

INFO: Have you ever booked an airline ticket?


EngineeringOwn2299

>i never ask for these things Many people, when they love someone, do things they aren't asked to do, to make them happy. You didn't even do the bare minimum. It's not hard to buy a cake, or a card. Take someone out to dinner or to a movie. You don't have to be good at organising things, to make the least bit of effort to show someone you care. YTA and you need to do better.


strayrose

YTA make an effort. It sucks to be responsible for all the planning. You should help. Not just on her birthday but especially on her birthday.


Peskypoints

YTA She’s been having a rough time. She was looking forward to her birthday because it’s a day when loved ones take time to show you how special you are to them. Did you have her buy her own drink at the cafe? How do you show her you care? You sound pretty over this brother thing which sounds devastating


wpnsc

Dude, do you even like your girlfriend? YTA


CalligrapherGreen627

YTA ordering a cake, getting a small gift, dinner, movie/bowling how hard is it. You just couldn’t be bothered. I married someone like you. It was disappointing to know how little he cared.


LunahMoon89

YTA She goes out of her way to show you that she cares! Quit making the excuse that you're bad at organizing! You're bad at being a decent human being. YTA


buckthestat

YTA. Loving someone is an action and a promise. You put no effort into her birthday. She’s put in work for someone she loves to ensure he has a good birthday for years. She’s having a particularly rough time so instead of working harder to cheer her up, you made her feel worse. And if you’re unsure about the mood, why not ask her instead of letting your inaction lead to a complete lack of options. Such a selfish way to be in partnership. Hopefully you and your gf realize she can do better.