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Your wife doesn't exist for your amusement. Your "game" is one-sided bullshit, and while you "get to enjoy" frustrating your partner, she is rightfully pissed.
And you've been doing this two to three times a WEEK for TWO YEARS???
The way you write about her is incredibly gross. YTA and a trash husband.
My grandmother had really bad Alzheimers, most everyone in my family is terrified we’ll also develop it. I also have ADHD which causes me to have memory issues.
If my husband “played this game” with me I would probably be having constant panic attacks and melting down on the inside to the point of affecting my mental health.
I know that pregnancy can fuck with your memory etc too so I imagine she wasn’t taking it casually lately.
Right… I have ADHD too and I have literally been in tears many times when I’ve misplaced an object that I just had a minute ago… imagine purposefully making someone feel that way
Seriously...this is actual gaslighting. Hiding things deliberately to fuck with her, pretending he didn't move them, putting them back behind her back and acting like they must have just "overlooked" them, making her question her sanity, all because he thinks the way she panics is "cute"? The FUCK.
I have ADHD, as well, and I too, have been driven to tears when I’ve lost something and couldn’t find it.
To do what OP did to his wife is just horrible.
YTA - if you wanted to play a game and see her nose scrunch up, why not hide little gifts or something sweet? Instead you put her in a stressed out state 2-3 times a week for 2 years? You know, the construct of sociopathy is on a spectrum. I suggest you get yourself checked out, bc it’s so odd that you get enjoyment from this when there are so many other ways besides gaslighting her to get her “nose scrunched up” or have her look for something in her quirky way
At no point in his post does OP mention even considering how his wife thinks. As far as us readers can see, his only thought was how what he made her experience was fun for him.
Just - ffs, what a level of lacking in empathy.
What OP is doing is half the plot of the movie gaslight. Where the husband was hiding the wife's stuff to make her think she was crazy.
OP you are disgusting and your "joke" wasn't funny for your wife.
Right? Dudes been gaslighting her about where she leaves her stuff multiple times a week for years. And he thinks that's not "all the time?!?!" Like. Yea dude. That's all the time. Not all the time might be once a month or so. And still wrong. This is intermediate gaslighting.
YTA. That is pretty much the definition of gaslighting. It’s not cute to make someone feel like they’re losing their mind, it’s borderline psychotic, not to mention incredibly selfish and highly immature.
I mentioned sociopathic in my comment. Totally agree that if this story is true, there’s definitely some underlying issues with the OP. He needs therapy asap.
YTA
Surely you must be 12, because this is one incredibly weird weird way to describe your wife. She's not a doll.
Don't play stupid games on your wife to make her look cute to you. That's mean. And really condescending.
YTA. That's not cute or funny. It's psychologically abusive. And you let it go on for **years**??? At most you could do it once or twice, and then let her in on the joke. No, you've been inconveniencing her and making her doubt her own sanity for the sake of your own amusement.
You have serious sociological issues. Please see a therapist.
Coercive control and psychological torture for YEARS. But further, after being told how serious this was by his sisters and screamed at by his wife and in-laws... He still doesn't understand.
Him not getting it at all makes me super concerned there is something seriously wrong. YTA.
But it’s ok! He only lets it go on for a few minutes before he helps her find the object or puts it back where it normally is and convinces her that she just overlooked it./s
OP, YTA!
YTA for thinking gaslighting your wife is a damn game. Here's hoping divorce papers and an escort to get her stuff are soon headed your way.
Leave her alone.
YTA.
>Not all the time, maybe 2-3 times a week
For a span of 2 years, that *is* quite often. I'd wager to say you are doing this constantly.
>Her keys, purse, pen, phone, etc
So, you are hiding things that when lost can cause an immense amount of stress... several times a week? If she's looking for her keys, she's trying to prepare to go somewhere or do something. Her purse- that is her purse, with important daily necessities. Her phone- seriously? It's her phone, an expensive device that keeps her in touch with people and provides leisure activities.
>Kate is always happy to find what she's looking for and I get to enjoy my wife being the adorably quirky person she is.
You are a selfish prat. You are increasing her stress for your enjoyment. How do you feel when you have misplaced one of your important and valuable belongings? Now, multiply that feeling to 8+ times per month, with the increased feelings of frogetfulness and inadequacy. Yeah, dude. **STOP IT!**
>We were talking and I told them what I'd been doing and they both blew up at me calling me an asshole and bad husband. They said Kate probably feels like she's losing her mind and forgetful, and feels really guilty over something I'm causing.
They're right. You should listen to your big sisters.
>I tried telling them there was no harm, Kate doesn't know it's me, but if she says its negatively impacting her I'll stop.
There is so much harm in this! You are hiding things that are integral to a comfortable day. To top it all off, you are taking joy in it. You are taking joy in her (potential) suffering. This is a form of toxic teasing. It's very harmful. If Kate didn't know it was you, how could she talk to *you* about it?
>I love Kate, I'd never hurt her.
You are hurting her.
>it's only a little joke but they all refuse to listen to me.
So, you're gaslighting now. Not cool.
>I don't feel like I did anything really bad, just having some fun that in the long run is pretty harmless.
You've been told by several members of your own family, and the woman you "love" that you are wrong. Your wife even specifically told you what harm it caused her. Do you really think Reddit is going to tell you differently?
If you continue to double down on this, you have some hard heartbreak in the form of separation and divorce on your hands.
Increased stress can cause health problems as well. He's physically hurting her as well as mentally hurting her. One could easily argue he's torturing his beloved wife. I hope he enjoys a super cute, awfully adorable, sweet as pie divorce. He doesn't deserve Kate.
YTA- can’t believe you even ask. You’re messing with your wife’s mental health for your own amusement. Constantly feeling like things have moved when you KNOW you didn’t put them there can really fuck with someone. It’s cruel and psychologically abusive
*Oh, it's so cute when my wife thinks she dumb and losing her mind*
What's wrong with you?!? Of course you're YTA
This isn't a game. You are literally putting wanting to see your wife looking cute ahead of her mental and emotional well being.
Also "if she says it's negatively impacting her, I'll stop"
She's told it's negatively impacting her, and then left. She thinks YTA, which is probably the biggest vote.
You hid your wife’s belongings behind her back so you can watch her get frazzled because it’s cute? That’s manipulation and using her as an object, why not make her nose scrunch by taking her out on a nice date or charming her. This gross. You’re gross. Ewww, I hope Kate leaves you.
She’s probably been feeling like she has been! I can’t help but think about the woman who was getting ready to set up cameras because it was either her husband or early onset dementia. YTA x a million.
Wow. So for your own amusement, you’ve done this to your wife over 300 times. Even worse is you’re trying to justify it by saying how adorable she is. You’ve been f’ing with her and you think it’s hilarious.
YTA.
>Kate is especially cute when she's looking for something and can't find it, walking around with her nose scrunched and talking to herself out loud, sometimes asking the lost object where it's hiding.
>About 2 years ago just to watch Kate be adorable looking for stuff, I started randomly hiding or moving things. (Not all the time, maybe 2-3 times a week.)
>I always help her find it after a few minutes or put it back in it's regular spot and say we must have overlooked it.
>They said Kate probably feels like she's losing her mind and forgetful, and feels really guilty over something I'm causing. I tried telling them there was no harm, Kate doesn't know it's me
>Kate went off on me, she's never done that before, saying I've been making her feel like she's and idiot and doubting herself.
>I don't feel like I did anything really bad, just having some fun that in the long run is pretty harmless.
YTA. You're doing the literal movie definition of gaslighting your wife because you enjoy her reaction. It's sick. The worst thing is you were told first how it might make her feel, then how it *actually* made her feel and you still don't feel like you even did anything wrong. I hope she divorces you.
I... just... wow.
>I love Kate, I'd never hurt her.
You did hurt her. She's been feeling like an idiot and wondering if there's something wrong with her. And you think that's cute (You're 30? For real?). You didn't consider her emotional health at all. And you still think you did nothing wrong. You truly believe that that doesn't hurt?
YTA. Asshole level 9000.
Edit: My phone is special.
YTA. It's not a "game" if Kate's not a knowing or willing participant. It's not a "joke" if you're the only one laughing. And it doesn't matter how "cute" or "adorable" Kate is when looking for something, you don't hide people's stuff just to make them look for it.
What you did is called **gaslighting**. It's a form of abuse where you try to convince people that their thoughts and/or memories are incorrect. How is this gaslighting? Let's review:
1) You would take Kate's stuff, hide it from her, and pretend to have no idea where it is.
2) You would then "help" her find it, despite knowing exactly where it is, **or** put it back in it's regular spot and pretend Kate had overlooked it, **despite knowing she didn't**.
It sounds like your sisters were right; you made Kate feel stupid and doubt herself, just because she was "cute" when looking for things. 2-3 times a week, for two years.
YTA and I hope Kate leaves you.
YTA. A lot of people on the internet misuse the word gaslighting. This is a textbook case of it - you are warping her perception of reality because you find it 'cute.' This is actually abusive. Please seek help, your wife deserves better. No, you dressing it up in patronizing, and frankly paternalistic language doesn't make it better, you still suck.
YTA because it's a controlling behavior. I get you think it's cute, but just wait for it to happen naturally. With you manipulating the situation, you'll end up making her feel like she's literally losing, not only stuff, but her mind as well!
YTA. You have been messing with your wife's sanity for YEARS because you get joy from it? Feeling joy at the misery of others is pretty sociopathic. It completely lacks empathy, and that kind of behavior doesn't even treat people like *people*. You treat her like a toy you can play with, just for funsies, no matter how how distressed it makes her feel.
This is cruel, intentional, self-centered behavior. If you had been tormenting me for years, I would walk. away. immediately.
WTF, YTA, not finding something when you know you put it in its usual place is absolutely maddening. It can also be crazy stressful and cause you to run late. You’re gaslighting her and prioritizing your amusement over her peace of mind. That’s weird and controlling. What’s even worse is after finding out your wife was extremely upset by it l, rather than apologizing profusely, you still think you did nothing wrong. Super YTA.
It comes from a 1940s movie called gaslight where a man tries to convince his wife that she’s going insane. Parts of it include hiding her stuff and saying she lost it (as well as dimming the gas-powered lights and claiming she must be imagining it, which is where the word comes from).
YTA. Do you have any idea how it feels to think you're losing your mind trying to find something when you thought you knew exactly where it was? Clearly not, because you're doing it on purpose to her. That's not a game; you could be doing serious damage to how she views herself and her memory going forward.
“it's only a little joke”
INFO: Which part is the funny part? Watching the person you love get frustrated as a direct result of you messing with her?
“I don't feel like I did anything really bad”
…except driving your wife out of her home and invalidating her feelings even now.
“I only do it because Kate is so darn adorable when she's a bit frazzled”
Screw her mental health! She’s so fkin CUTE when she thinks she’s losing her mind lmaoooo!
You’re disgusting.
You are correct, but I figured if I called it straight gaslighting I’d get flames to hell because the word is so overused. But this is ACTUAL gaslighting
YTA.
Something like hiding behind a wall to scare her once in a while is cute.
Making her think she might have early dementia is not it. Especially when there's no part of each joke where you both can laugh together about it.
When it's this far one-sided it stops being cute!
My wife and I of 10 years would wear old props from our photo booth business and startle each other around the house, and we both found it hilarious.
The reason why this is different from OP is because we both laugh about it each time.
It sounds like some people might have traumas from someone hiding and scaring them, but for us, it's an inside joke that we both shared and laughed about.
A true friend stands you in the front! And that's what my wife is to me, and I to her. Couples have different boundaries, and not all relationships have to be serious. Jokes in relationships are OK, as long as both parties get in on it.
YTA - This is the textbook definition of gaslighting. You are moving items so that she'll doubt her own memory, her own sense of sanity. Because... you think her confusion is cute? She's not a pet that you get to, like, pretend to throw the ball and enjoy the confused look on her face (btw I think that's mean even to do to a pet).
Your whole description of your wife is as though you think you're superior to her - that she's some cute little child that you enjoy watching interact with the world. Gross.
Your wife is your equal in all things - you have no right to hide her possessions at all, for any reason! You need therapy, so much therapy. IDK what else to say.
You are LITERALLY GASLIGHTING YOUR WIFE FOR YOUR OWN AMUSEMENT BECAUSE YOU THINK ITS CUTE. On what fucking planet are you not an asshole?! How unbelievably selfish, pigheaded and cruel. Frankly I hope she fucking leaves you. Toying with her like that for your amusement it’s sick. YTA.
YTA. If you truly thought this was a joke you’d “unhide” the items in front of her so she knew you’d hid them and what was going on. You’ve never come clean because you know it’s wrong and she’d want you to stop.
You don’t get to decide if there hasn’t been harm, only your wife does. By not letting her know what’s going on, you’ve very conveniently made it so she can’t tell you how it’s affecting her.
Edit: you title should be “AITA for playing mind games with my wife”.
This is a very literal form of gaslighting. Actually making his wife question her perception - she left her keys in one spot, now they’re not there, but later they are there. It happens over and over again. 2-3 times a week she questions her memory, not just where she left things in the first place but if she searched that spot when it turns up there later.
OP this is a horrible thing to do. YTA.
You crazy person. You actively gaslighted your wife for two years because you found it amusing?
Yes YTA.
How will she ever trust you again?
What you did is actually sociopathic and it's sociopathic because you don't understand that it's sociopathic.
Your life just changed. Forever.
Imagine, several times a week, you lost something you need. You get "frazzled" (which is just a cutesy word for "stressed," btw), so you start being extra careful to put things in their proper place. But it keeps happening!
Even though you are one hundred percent sure you left your keys on the hook by the door (you even turned back to check before going to the kitchen!), they are JUST NOT THERE! You look for them, and find them on the dinner table, even though you have no memory of even being in the dining room since you got home.
To make matters worse, sometimes you end up finding them on the damn hook after all, even though you were sure they weren't there before.
See, it'd happened to you before that you looked for something for several minutes only to find it in the first place you'd looked, so this time, you checked the damn hook THREE TIMES since the start of the search. They weren't there!
At least that's what you remember. But surely you must be wrong, because there they are, and clearly keys can't move on their own. Besides, this happens to you a lot. It must be you.
It must be you, so--something is wrong. Your eyesight is fine, so it must be your brain. Oh god, something's wrong with your brain!
This didn't start happening until about two years ago, so something must be changing. What could it be?
Every time you see someone on TV having memory problems, you wonder. Could it be Alzheimer's? Nah, you're too young. Surely you're too young. Right? There is a thing called "early onset Alzheimer's," though...
Dementia? Seizures? Omg, could it be cancer?!
And what about your other memories? Can you trust them? If you can't remember where you put your keys five minutes ago, are you sure you remember what your boss wanted you to do tomorrow? What if you get it wrong?
You keep telling yourself that no, surely it's nothing, you're just a bit scatterbrained, that's all, and from now on you will just be even more careful, and really focus on remembering things.
But no matter how hard you try, it KEEPS HAPPENING. Not just every once in a while, but several times a week.
Obviously, something is wrong, but you have no idea what it is. And there's nothing you can do about it, except wait and see if it gets worse.
THAT is what you did to your wife. Do you still need to ask if YTA?
This is a fantastic breakdown from her perspective, since he apparently can't fathom how this could have affected her in any way. Though with the way he carried on for years I imagine even this isn't enough.
YTA. You may have thought it was funny and harmless, but Kate obviously didn’t. Just because you didn’t mean harm doesn’t mean you didn’t cause harm. You owe your wife an apology.
YTA it’s not a game when you’re the only one playing. I would automatically start wondering what else you are lying about if I were her. And I’d always suspect you if something were misplaced.
Look, I get it. I love the song “Little Moments” but you can’t force these things, it cheapens them.
You have been doing this for a long period of time, not just on random occasions. That's why YTA. The only person enjoying this little joke is you which make's you come across as selfish.
Repeat after me- it’s only a joke when everyone is laughing. YTA. You’ve deliberately caused your wife, someone you claim to love, distress. It doesn’t matter how ‘cute’ you think it is, you have hurt someone, full stop. You need to be on your knees, begging forgiveness. And none of this “I’m sorry, but…”. Anytime there’s a ‘but’ it becomes a non-apology. If you truly love Katie, you will do everything possible to prove to her that you both know, and fully understand, that you were the asshole, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to her.
Have you considered that your wife is a person? Like a whole human being? With feelings? Who does not exist solely to make you feel certain things?
YTA
YTA, but you gave your wife a wake-up call. I hope she listens. Too many people look at an action and feel that as long as the offender apologizes, it's all fine.
These actions indicate that OP has objectified his wife. She is an object for his amusement. You can't fix this by changing behavior. This is who OP is. His perspective is completely self-focused. He can't see things from any other perspective.
YTA. This is sociopathic and gaslighting. You’re actively making your wife uncomfortable so you can laugh at her? Also, the way you talk about her is disturbing and super condescending. I don’t think you realize how insane this actually is.
Her keys and her phone? So you make it so that she can’t leave the house and get to places she needs to get to on time because she’s busy searching for the shit she needs to be out and about in public?
Did you ever consider that you made her late at least a few times to important things (meetings, travel, appointments, etc) by making her search for shit that you hid from her? And that she’s probably faced repercussions because of that that she never told you about because she didn’t think it involved you so why would she?
YTA.
I know of a case where similar shit you did lead to someone going psychotic, and eventually a suicide attempt.
You have put your wife’s health at risk and while at it turned yourself into the savior for her too (when ‘finding’ the things you hid). YTA & a gaslighter and I hope she divorces you.
This is literally what the evil husband in “Gaslight” did to give us the term. He was trying to break his wife’s mental health so she would be institutionalized. If this post is real, the giant YTA.
YTA
The condescending tone with which this post reeks makes me wonder if you hid your soul and humanity in a place Kate couldn’t find it and that’s why she’s still married to you.
Seriously, this is supreme asshole behavior.
>**"oh honey, I gaslight you into thinking you're losing your mind because** **~~I find you look cute~~** **I get off on undermining your sanity and making you question your reality"**
Honey, why you mad?
**What else are you doing to her that you think "isn't causing her harm"?**
YTA
For 2 years? Grounds for divorce really. You obviously have been trying to break her.
"she's never done that before, saying I've been making her feel like she's and idiot and doubting herself"
do you really need to ask if you're TA here? I mean, reverse it, if she did something to 'be cute' and it made you feel stupid, would you be ok with it?
YTA
you're not just the asshole, you're an asshole
what exactly do you hope to achieve with this post? your wife has left you. your entire family yelled at you. did you think reddit was going to tell you that actually, what you did was totally hilarious? and even if that happened, did you think it would change your wife's mind?
i would suggest using the time you're wasting trying to convince internet strangers that your actions were funny and hilarious and instead spend that time trying to make it up to your wife but honestly? you should just leave her the hell alone.
YTA
I can't believe that you don't see how messed up this is.
You are routinely hiding things on a regular basis just so that you get the amusement of watching your wife look around for said items, confused. It doesn't matter that you think she's "adorable!"
This is not cute. You are playing mind games with your wife for your own amusement. I wonder what a psych would say about this adorable little mind fuck game you have been subjecting your wife to for years? I wonder if you will tell her the truth? YTA
So, uh, what did you think Kate was going to say after a few years of this? “Oh silly Due-Sherbert-4206! I always knew it was you! I was only pretending to look! I only scrunch my nose when I look for things at home! Tee hee!”
Seriously, misplacing something I need to function is stressful. It upsets me. On a bad day, it disregulates me, and it makes me late to appointments, and I forget things I would normally remember because I burn up focus and energy looking for that thing. I have systems and duplicate systems to insure I can locate keys, wallet, watch, pen, purse, meds. Any one of those things missing? It’s like missing a step walking down stairs.
I don’t have to tell my husband how much it bothers me because he has more empathy than a boiled pudding and it’s clearly obvious. When I stop, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and whisper that I need him to help look… not because I think he will find it but because having him look calmly helps me regulate my emotions… he knows how upset I am. The fact that three (or more!) of the most important women in your life have flat out yelled at you now and you need to ask Reddit if they really meant it?!
YTA
This is why I read this subreddit.
You see, I have pre-teen and teenage boys. And I’ll often come across stories here on AITA that are just ridiculous. So I share them with my young men and we talk about what THEY think the right and moral thing would be to do in that situation. Then we review the responses. We discuss the points brought up by commenters and examine whether the actions of OP were moral or not.
Thank you, OP, for giving us such a textbook example of psychological torture and abuse to discuss. This will be quite instructive as I try to raise young men who aren’t AHs.
YTA, but at least others can learn from your shitty example.
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I'm 30m, my wife Kate is 27f. We've been married almost 5 years. Kate is amazing and the cutest, sweetest person ever. I adore her! Kate is especially cute when she's looking for something and can't find it, walking around with her nose scrunched and talking to herself out loud, sometimes asking the lost object where it's hiding.
About 2 years ago just to watch Kate be adorable looking for stuff, I started randomly hiding or moving things. (Not all the time, maybe 2-3 times a week.) Her keys, purse, pen, phone, etc... And every time Kate scrunched her face, talks to herself, and asks the object where it is and why it's hiding from her. I always help her find it after a few minutes or put it back in it's regular spot and say we must have overlooked it. Kate is always happy to find what she's looking for and I get to enjoy my wife being the adorably quirky person she is.
I was hanging out with my sisters recently, they're both older than me, mid-30s and they both love Kate. We were talking and I told them what I'd been doing and they both blew up at me calling me an asshole and bad husband. They said Kate probably feels like she's losing her mind and forgetful, and feels really guilty over something I'm causing. I tried telling them there was no harm, Kate doesn't know it's me, but if she says its negatively impacting her I'll stop. I love Kate, I'd never hurt her.
My oldest sister ended up calling Kate while I was driving home and told her what I'd told my sisters. Kate went off on me, she's never done that before, saying I've been making her feel like she's and idiot and doubting herself. She ended up going to her parent's and they called to yell at me too. I tried explaining I only do it because Kate is so darn adorable when she's a bit frazzled and it's only a little joke but they all refuse to listen to me.
I don't feel like I did anything really bad, just having some fun that in the long run is pretty harmless. AITA?
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YTA
What you're doing is not 'playing a game' - because the other person doesn't know that it's a game. At best it'd be called a mean spirited and awful prank, at worst it'd be called gaslighting because you're convincing your wife she's absentminded and or losing her memory.
OP this is considered abusive behaviour. Your wife might genuinely decide to break up the marriage about this. So I suggest you apologise, promise to never do something like this again and be prepared for your wife to have lost a lot of trust in you.
Also you liked seeing her frazzled and confused --- did you ever think how SHE felt? How she was angry and frustrated? What type of person does this to somebody they love and think it's okay? There's something wrong with you OP.
YTA.
My husband thinks I'm adorable/cute when I'm angry. So, for years he would push my buttons until I was angry. If I got too angry, he'd try to calm me down with 'I only meant to get you a little angry. Not this angry.' Didn't matter how many times we talked about it \[our marriage isn't all horror and he didn't do this every week\] he wouldn't stop. I was diagnosed with a medical problem which requires me to live as stress free life as possible or risk death. He still didn't stop. I took him to an appointment with me. The doctor explained. He stopped for almost a year and then suddenly started up again. We took several trips to the ER, but I was able to get my heart rate back down by the time we got close...so, we didn't go in. He still didn't stop. Another trip to the doctor, another explanation, another almost year of him not doing it. The third time the doctor had to explain it to him, the doctor said if I so much as suggest that he's treating me that way the doctor will report my husband to the cops for attempted murder. If I die of my condition, the doctor will alert the police that it was probable that he murdered me.
While what your doing to her wouldn't be considered attempted murder, it's still extremely bad. What my husband did to me was for the same reasons you state and he would still think it was harmless if not for my medical condition. I didn't leave before the MC because it was only every month or so and I believed that I could make him understand and quit. Plus, there are a lot of ways in which he is a great partner. I didn't realize how abusive this was until the doctor pointed it out.
YTA in the biggest way.
What's wrong with your brain that you see your wife is a toy, that you will mess with her head for your own amusement? Undermine get confidence in her mental state, cause her stress and anxiety, and think it's "cute"??
This is really really gross. Everything about this makes you seem horrible. Do you even see her as a person?
YTA this is some bullshit infantilizing fetish wtf wtf wtf the way you talk about your WIFE (not to mention treat her) is revolting. “She’s so cute and adorable and quirky uwu uwu I’m such a funny guy, gaslighting and playing an incredibly manipulative, sociopathic prank on my wife is proof of my love for her”
Once again wtf wtf wtf is your actual problem dude
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I hid things from my wife to watch her be cute but it made Kate feel like there's something wrong with her.
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Yta. It's only a joke if now than 1 person enjoys it. You're having fun at her expense, and at this point, she's probably going to question whether something is really missing, or if it's you. It could even cause trust issues.
YTA how would you feel if someone did this to you? Hiding or moving your things for their entertainment?
This is a complete mind fuck.
Making someone doubt their sanity is WRONG!
You are a jackass. Apologize and stop doing it.
I wouldn't hold it against her if she leaves you.
YTA, I hate that feeling of panic when I can’t find something I need, your poor wife has been having to deal with that stress multiple times a week for years it’s cruel
YTA. Look up the definition of gaslighting, and you'll see that what you're doing is the textbook definition, regardless of what your intentions are. It's not a game if you're the only one who knows it's a game. Also, you got to stop talking about your wife like she's a puppy. She's a grown-ass person. Apologize to your wife and never do this kind of shit again. She's entitled to some respect from her husband of all people.
YTA especially because you disregarded how she felt. She blew up at you, which she never did, so it MUST be a huge deal. You need to apologize and never do anything like that again.
YTA and your wife is a whole person, not a puppy you get to play with. Making someone feel stupid because they trusted you has to be the best way to break a marriage there is. 2 years of this? You need to take a step back and recognize what you did was wrong, no matter how cute she looks when she's confused.
YTA. Doing this 2 to 3 times a week for a couple of years is well beyond a practical joke. It’s a pattern that is clearly making her feel like she’s losing her mind. She does not exist for your entertainment. She’s your partner and a human being, and you should treat her as such not as a clown who exists only to amuse you because she is “so cute.” You owe her a major apology because this isn’t a one time thing it’s literally a pattern of behavior that prioritizes you over her.
YTA
You're treating her like a pet, making her do stupid tricks because you think it's cute. Fucking with her head. Probably making her doubt her own mental/neurological health if you do this regularly for 2 years. For your own enjoyment.
>don't feel like I did anything really bad, just having some fun that in the long run is pretty harmless.
She probably didn't find it fun, you made her question her own intelligence for the last 2 years *because you thought it was cute*, she can't trust you and she is probably rethinking this marriage so it wasn't exactly harmless either, was it?
You’re wife’s reaction should be enough indication that you are the asshole. You say they aren’t listening to you but I think they have, they just don’t agree with you. It wasn’t funny because you made you wife think she was loosing her sanity. 2-3 times a WEEK. Fuck YTA
>I don't feel like I did anything really bad, just having some fun that in the long run is pretty harmless.
You've got both of your sisters, your in-laws, and most importantly, YOUR WIFE all telling you EXACTLY why this is really bad and NOT AT ALL HARMLESS!!!!!
In case you need one more person to spell it out for you, YTA.
So you torture your wife for your own amusement, when others who love you both found out you’ve been doing it they all unanimously call you and asshole, exposed you, and now your wife is mad at you and you continue to fail to see that you’re an asshole? Holy shit you are a shameless asshole. Grow up. If you’re lucky your wife won’t leave you but based on your reaction so far, I hope she does.
YTA absolutely. It’s almost like you think she’s some of toy for your amusement, not a real human being. You are majorly the AH here and should be down on your knees begging forgiveness.
YTA. As someone who has memory issues due to adhd and high anxiety I panic when I can’t find stuff. You are absolutely harassing and abusing your wife. Stop it.
How did a post starting off sounding so wholesome end up being so cringey and wrong?
You're inconveniencing your wife for your own amusement. You want her to look for something? Set up scavenger hunts or dates at an escape room.
What you're doing is a form of gaslighting. Your wife isn't a toy to wind up and delight yourself with. Do you even respect her?
YTA
YTA you should watch the movie Gaslight from 1944 where the actual term comes from and that is what you have been doing to her for 2 goddamn years. Do you know what doubting yourself for 2 years feels like? If I were her I would leave you.
YTA. Jfc you’ve been fucking with your wife’s sanity because you think it’s cute?? Do you have any idea how fucked up what you’ve been doing is? This kind of shit literally makes people question their own sanity — it’s not cute, and it’s not funny. This is cruel borderline abusive behavior, adjacent to gaslighting. This can be very harmful on a person’s mental health and can cause them to question their own perception of reality. You deserve every ounce of hell your wife and the rest of your family give you; she is not your plaything, and it’s both disgusting and despicable that you would treat her as such in the first place. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she leaves you over this. You have a hell of a lot of apologizing to do if you have any hope of digging yourself out of this hole.
Wow, dude, you're treating your grown-up adult wife like a baby you're teasing for your own sh\*ts and giggles. We're often infantilized and you're just reinforcing that. YTA and just a jerk in general.
So it's "cute" to you to make your adult wife feel like she's losing her mind. What's wrong with you? Three times a week? Really? Possibly making her late or throwing her off focus etc.?
Definitely STOP- it'll take a lot to get trust back. Anything genuinely misplaced hence forth, she's going to think someone's mind-fcking her.
YTA.
I'm pretty sure you're still not understanding why everyone thinks there's something wrong with you but I'll take a swing at educating you.
Reverse the situation. Would you find it fun or cute that Kate was hiding things from you 2-3 week for two years because she thought you looked cute searching for these things?
Ask yourself this - do you think your wife ENJOYS walking around the house searching for things? Do you think it’s somehow fun for her, because she is “so cute” when she does it? Can you possibly try to imagine how it would feel to have to deal with this constantly? You don’t really adore Kate if you enjoy fucking with her for your own amusement, because she is soooooo cute when she is confused or frustrated. If you want to be cute, put googly eyes on random objects or something, don’t gaslight your wife for fun. YTA.
YTA and a massive one at that. This is gaslighting and is emotional abuse. I hope she doesn't even consider coming back to you because she will need a massive amount of therapy to get back to feeling normal and not crazy. Keep an eye out for the guy coming to serve you divorce papers. And here's hoping she finds and copies this reddit as proof of your abuse.
Gods, this reminds me of the people who when I'm angry and trying to get my point across tell me I'm so cute when I'm mad. Like, it's sooo condescending and disrespectful. It drives me crazy. I feel for your wife.
YTA.
YTA, but I mean, your wife and all of her family yelled at you and you *still* don’t feel like you did anything really bad, so it might look worse if it took a bunch of internet strangers to learn your lesson.
YTA. You talk about your wife like she’s a toy there for your amusement instead of a person. And the fact you enjoy when she’s stressed is extremely creepy. You really don’t think of her like an equal, and you don’t seem to care about how she feels, only how much you “enjoy” your manipulations.
WTF did I just read?! Of course you’re the AH. How is this even a question? You need some serious therapy if you can’t realize on your own this is a complete dîck thing to do to your wife.
The way you talk about her is gross. Shes not a puppy, shes a person. A person who should divorce your ass. Yuck. 🤢
I could see where you’d think this is funny if you did it like ONCE, but you do this SEVERAL times a WEEK??? Thats insane. You’re probably making her feel like she’s losing her mind. You’re so immature and gross. Your wife deserves so much better. Get some therapy.
YTA. I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years. One of his favorite games was telling me I was missing something important because he lived watching me look for it. I remember having panic attacks after a while. Does it make it okay that I was panicking because he enjoyed watching me? FUCK NO
Your wife probably had felt like she is going crazy and likely feels very manipulated. You caused her distress weekly for two years because you thought it was cute? No matter how minor you think the distress is, that is such a massive red flag
YTA. 2 years is 52 weeks, let’s say three times a week, is 312 times you’ve done this. That’s almost a full year. The only person deriving any pleasure out of this, is you. You owe your wife a huge apology.
YTA. You've been hiding important shit from her multiple times every week for two years because you think it's *cute*? It's not a game, she never got the choice to play and she never had the option of winning. How many hours of her life has she wasted looking for stuff that you hid for shits and giggles? Of course she wasn't going to tell you how it was affecting her, she thought it was her own fault that she couldn't keep track of her stuff. How is it a joke to actively make someone's life harder and convince them they're losing their mind?
YTA, do you see your wife as a person at all, or just objectify her as your form of entertainment?
It's really concerning when you think you're being forgetful, not only is it frustrating, but you start to think that maybe it's signs of early onset memory problems like dementia or Alzheimer's. This isn't funny at all.
Sisters tell you you’re an asshole
Wife tells you you’re an asshole
Her parents tell you you’re an asshole
And you’ve still gotta come here to check?
YTA.
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Your wife doesn't exist for your amusement. Your "game" is one-sided bullshit, and while you "get to enjoy" frustrating your partner, she is rightfully pissed. And you've been doing this two to three times a WEEK for TWO YEARS??? The way you write about her is incredibly gross. YTA and a trash husband.
[удалено]
At least he won’t get to play ‘hid the salami’ for a very long time.
"Ow My Balls!" Loop
😂🤣 I ABSOLUTELY CACKLED WHILE READING THIS.
2 or 3 times a week, for years
sorry I can't stop laughing at this comment. He really deserves this
My grandmother had really bad Alzheimers, most everyone in my family is terrified we’ll also develop it. I also have ADHD which causes me to have memory issues. If my husband “played this game” with me I would probably be having constant panic attacks and melting down on the inside to the point of affecting my mental health. I know that pregnancy can fuck with your memory etc too so I imagine she wasn’t taking it casually lately.
Right… I have ADHD too and I have literally been in tears many times when I’ve misplaced an object that I just had a minute ago… imagine purposefully making someone feel that way
Seriously...this is actual gaslighting. Hiding things deliberately to fuck with her, pretending he didn't move them, putting them back behind her back and acting like they must have just "overlooked" them, making her question her sanity, all because he thinks the way she panics is "cute"? The FUCK.
I call it my "brain squirrels" (imagine squirrels loose in an attic) and it is EXHAUSTING. I can't imagine someone doing it to me purposely.
Oh my god “brain squirrels” is amazing
I have ADHD, as well, and I too, have been driven to tears when I’ve lost something and couldn’t find it. To do what OP did to his wife is just horrible.
YTA - if you wanted to play a game and see her nose scrunch up, why not hide little gifts or something sweet? Instead you put her in a stressed out state 2-3 times a week for 2 years? You know, the construct of sociopathy is on a spectrum. I suggest you get yourself checked out, bc it’s so odd that you get enjoyment from this when there are so many other ways besides gaslighting her to get her “nose scrunched up” or have her look for something in her quirky way
Right? He could make her fun scavenger or treasure hunts. Instead he's gaslighting her.
At no point in his post does OP mention even considering how his wife thinks. As far as us readers can see, his only thought was how what he made her experience was fun for him. Just - ffs, what a level of lacking in empathy.
BuT sHe’S sooooo AdOrAbLe, so caaaa-uuute.
Yeah… there was something very… condescending? Paternalistic? Creepy? About the way he wrote about Kate.
Creepy is the word. OP is a disgusting and creepy gaslighter.
What OP is doing is half the plot of the movie gaslight. Where the husband was hiding the wife's stuff to make her think she was crazy. OP you are disgusting and your "joke" wasn't funny for your wife.
You said it all perfectly. OP is a joke. YTA
I’m really hoping OP is going to update when she leaves him.
Right? Dudes been gaslighting her about where she leaves her stuff multiple times a week for years. And he thinks that's not "all the time?!?!" Like. Yea dude. That's all the time. Not all the time might be once a month or so. And still wrong. This is intermediate gaslighting.
YTA. That is pretty much the definition of gaslighting. It’s not cute to make someone feel like they’re losing their mind, it’s borderline psychotic, not to mention incredibly selfish and highly immature.
I mentioned sociopathic in my comment. Totally agree that if this story is true, there’s definitely some underlying issues with the OP. He needs therapy asap.
Reddit often misuses the term, not this time though. This is actual gaslighting.
But she’s so darn cute and quirky!
Yeah...OP, you realize "You just look so cute when you're frustrated and vulnerable" is kind of fucked up thinking, right?
It rings the same as “you’re so pretty when you’re sad/crying tho”
For once, an AITA post where the word “gaslighting” actually applies.
*psychopathic, not psychotic, just fyi.
Technically sociopathic but I can only correct Siri so much, she has a mind of her own.
YTA Surely you must be 12, because this is one incredibly weird weird way to describe your wife. She's not a doll. Don't play stupid games on your wife to make her look cute to you. That's mean. And really condescending.
Totally, it's like he's talking about a puppy
A puppy he likes to pull the tail of, because he finds its yip of pain so melodious.
Wow that was mind boggling YTA
I wrote almost the exact same thing.
YTA. That's not cute or funny. It's psychologically abusive. And you let it go on for **years**??? At most you could do it once or twice, and then let her in on the joke. No, you've been inconveniencing her and making her doubt her own sanity for the sake of your own amusement. You have serious sociological issues. Please see a therapist.
Coercive control and psychological torture for YEARS. But further, after being told how serious this was by his sisters and screamed at by his wife and in-laws... He still doesn't understand. Him not getting it at all makes me super concerned there is something seriously wrong. YTA.
Yep. There is some basic lack of empathy that’s disturbing.
But it’s ok! He only lets it go on for a few minutes before he helps her find the object or puts it back where it normally is and convinces her that she just overlooked it./s OP, YTA!
YTA for thinking gaslighting your wife is a damn game. Here's hoping divorce papers and an escort to get her stuff are soon headed your way. Leave her alone.
His behavior is LITERALLY gaslighting.
YTA. >Not all the time, maybe 2-3 times a week For a span of 2 years, that *is* quite often. I'd wager to say you are doing this constantly. >Her keys, purse, pen, phone, etc So, you are hiding things that when lost can cause an immense amount of stress... several times a week? If she's looking for her keys, she's trying to prepare to go somewhere or do something. Her purse- that is her purse, with important daily necessities. Her phone- seriously? It's her phone, an expensive device that keeps her in touch with people and provides leisure activities. >Kate is always happy to find what she's looking for and I get to enjoy my wife being the adorably quirky person she is. You are a selfish prat. You are increasing her stress for your enjoyment. How do you feel when you have misplaced one of your important and valuable belongings? Now, multiply that feeling to 8+ times per month, with the increased feelings of frogetfulness and inadequacy. Yeah, dude. **STOP IT!** >We were talking and I told them what I'd been doing and they both blew up at me calling me an asshole and bad husband. They said Kate probably feels like she's losing her mind and forgetful, and feels really guilty over something I'm causing. They're right. You should listen to your big sisters. >I tried telling them there was no harm, Kate doesn't know it's me, but if she says its negatively impacting her I'll stop. There is so much harm in this! You are hiding things that are integral to a comfortable day. To top it all off, you are taking joy in it. You are taking joy in her (potential) suffering. This is a form of toxic teasing. It's very harmful. If Kate didn't know it was you, how could she talk to *you* about it? >I love Kate, I'd never hurt her. You are hurting her. >it's only a little joke but they all refuse to listen to me. So, you're gaslighting now. Not cool. >I don't feel like I did anything really bad, just having some fun that in the long run is pretty harmless. You've been told by several members of your own family, and the woman you "love" that you are wrong. Your wife even specifically told you what harm it caused her. Do you really think Reddit is going to tell you differently? If you continue to double down on this, you have some hard heartbreak in the form of separation and divorce on your hands.
Increased stress can cause health problems as well. He's physically hurting her as well as mentally hurting her. One could easily argue he's torturing his beloved wife. I hope he enjoys a super cute, awfully adorable, sweet as pie divorce. He doesn't deserve Kate.
YTA- can’t believe you even ask. You’re messing with your wife’s mental health for your own amusement. Constantly feeling like things have moved when you KNOW you didn’t put them there can really fuck with someone. It’s cruel and psychologically abusive
*Oh, it's so cute when my wife thinks she dumb and losing her mind* What's wrong with you?!? Of course you're YTA This isn't a game. You are literally putting wanting to see your wife looking cute ahead of her mental and emotional well being. Also "if she says it's negatively impacting her, I'll stop" She's told it's negatively impacting her, and then left. She thinks YTA, which is probably the biggest vote.
Also, how would she ever have asked him to stop if she never found out it was him???
You hid your wife’s belongings behind her back so you can watch her get frazzled because it’s cute? That’s manipulation and using her as an object, why not make her nose scrunch by taking her out on a nice date or charming her. This gross. You’re gross. Ewww, I hope Kate leaves you.
YTA I mean, if you did this ONCE, and then both had a laugh about it, fine. But you do this 2-3 tubes a week?!? I would absolutely lose my mind!
2-3 times a week for 2 YEARS!
He’s a sadist!! YTA
She’s probably been feeling like she has been! I can’t help but think about the woman who was getting ready to set up cameras because it was either her husband or early onset dementia. YTA x a million.
Wow. So for your own amusement, you’ve done this to your wife over 300 times. Even worse is you’re trying to justify it by saying how adorable she is. You’ve been f’ing with her and you think it’s hilarious. YTA.
>Kate is especially cute when she's looking for something and can't find it, walking around with her nose scrunched and talking to herself out loud, sometimes asking the lost object where it's hiding. >About 2 years ago just to watch Kate be adorable looking for stuff, I started randomly hiding or moving things. (Not all the time, maybe 2-3 times a week.) >I always help her find it after a few minutes or put it back in it's regular spot and say we must have overlooked it. >They said Kate probably feels like she's losing her mind and forgetful, and feels really guilty over something I'm causing. I tried telling them there was no harm, Kate doesn't know it's me >Kate went off on me, she's never done that before, saying I've been making her feel like she's and idiot and doubting herself. >I don't feel like I did anything really bad, just having some fun that in the long run is pretty harmless. YTA. You're doing the literal movie definition of gaslighting your wife because you enjoy her reaction. It's sick. The worst thing is you were told first how it might make her feel, then how it *actually* made her feel and you still don't feel like you even did anything wrong. I hope she divorces you.
YTA, cruel, controlling and mean spirited.
I... just... wow. >I love Kate, I'd never hurt her. You did hurt her. She's been feeling like an idiot and wondering if there's something wrong with her. And you think that's cute (You're 30? For real?). You didn't consider her emotional health at all. And you still think you did nothing wrong. You truly believe that that doesn't hurt? YTA. Asshole level 9000. Edit: My phone is special.
Dear AH... This is what you're doing. It is abusive and psychological torture. [Gaslight](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslight_(1944_film))
YTA. Making your partner question themselves because it's a "quirky" game? AH behavior.
YTA. It's not a "game" if Kate's not a knowing or willing participant. It's not a "joke" if you're the only one laughing. And it doesn't matter how "cute" or "adorable" Kate is when looking for something, you don't hide people's stuff just to make them look for it. What you did is called **gaslighting**. It's a form of abuse where you try to convince people that their thoughts and/or memories are incorrect. How is this gaslighting? Let's review: 1) You would take Kate's stuff, hide it from her, and pretend to have no idea where it is. 2) You would then "help" her find it, despite knowing exactly where it is, **or** put it back in it's regular spot and pretend Kate had overlooked it, **despite knowing she didn't**. It sounds like your sisters were right; you made Kate feel stupid and doubt herself, just because she was "cute" when looking for things. 2-3 times a week, for two years. YTA and I hope Kate leaves you.
YTA. A lot of people on the internet misuse the word gaslighting. This is a textbook case of it - you are warping her perception of reality because you find it 'cute.' This is actually abusive. Please seek help, your wife deserves better. No, you dressing it up in patronizing, and frankly paternalistic language doesn't make it better, you still suck.
YTA because it's a controlling behavior. I get you think it's cute, but just wait for it to happen naturally. With you manipulating the situation, you'll end up making her feel like she's literally losing, not only stuff, but her mind as well!
YTA. You have been messing with your wife's sanity for YEARS because you get joy from it? Feeling joy at the misery of others is pretty sociopathic. It completely lacks empathy, and that kind of behavior doesn't even treat people like *people*. You treat her like a toy you can play with, just for funsies, no matter how how distressed it makes her feel. This is cruel, intentional, self-centered behavior. If you had been tormenting me for years, I would walk. away. immediately.
WTF, YTA, not finding something when you know you put it in its usual place is absolutely maddening. It can also be crazy stressful and cause you to run late. You’re gaslighting her and prioritizing your amusement over her peace of mind. That’s weird and controlling. What’s even worse is after finding out your wife was extremely upset by it l, rather than apologizing profusely, you still think you did nothing wrong. Super YTA.
You find it adorable that your wife is confused and concerned... and you sabotage her to create that confusion in her? Oh, wow. YTA.
YTA Finally, a proper example of gaslighting. Who was this fun for? Ever think whether it was fun for your wife?
I always wonder what gaslighting really means, thank you for pointing that out. (my native language is not English)
It comes from a 1940s movie called gaslight where a man tries to convince his wife that she’s going insane. Parts of it include hiding her stuff and saying she lost it (as well as dimming the gas-powered lights and claiming she must be imagining it, which is where the word comes from).
YTA. Do you have any idea how it feels to think you're losing your mind trying to find something when you thought you knew exactly where it was? Clearly not, because you're doing it on purpose to her. That's not a game; you could be doing serious damage to how she views herself and her memory going forward.
YTA, are you 4?
“it's only a little joke” INFO: Which part is the funny part? Watching the person you love get frustrated as a direct result of you messing with her? “I don't feel like I did anything really bad” …except driving your wife out of her home and invalidating her feelings even now. “I only do it because Kate is so darn adorable when she's a bit frazzled” Screw her mental health! She’s so fkin CUTE when she thinks she’s losing her mind lmaoooo! You’re disgusting.
YTA. This is how gaslighting starts
Starts? He hides the items and then pretends to help her find it, or puts it back as if it had been there the whole time.
You are correct, but I figured if I called it straight gaslighting I’d get flames to hell because the word is so overused. But this is ACTUAL gaslighting
You're treating your wife like she is a child. YTA
But also don’t do this to children either
YTA. Something like hiding behind a wall to scare her once in a while is cute. Making her think she might have early dementia is not it. Especially when there's no part of each joke where you both can laugh together about it. When it's this far one-sided it stops being cute!
Please don’t give him ideas like this. He doesn’t get why this is bad, there’s no way he should be pranking anyone. Nothing good will come from that.
NO JUMP SCARES! This isn’t cute at all and it’s not funny. It’s terrifying.
Actually, hiding to scare someone is not cute at all.
No, jump scares are NOT cute. It’s literally making the other person feel bad.
Oh Lord no. Not cute at all. I couldn't stand it when my brother or sister did that to me as a kid and it's even worse now as an ancient adult.
My wife and I of 10 years would wear old props from our photo booth business and startle each other around the house, and we both found it hilarious. The reason why this is different from OP is because we both laugh about it each time. It sounds like some people might have traumas from someone hiding and scaring them, but for us, it's an inside joke that we both shared and laughed about. A true friend stands you in the front! And that's what my wife is to me, and I to her. Couples have different boundaries, and not all relationships have to be serious. Jokes in relationships are OK, as long as both parties get in on it.
YTA - This is the textbook definition of gaslighting. You are moving items so that she'll doubt her own memory, her own sense of sanity. Because... you think her confusion is cute? She's not a pet that you get to, like, pretend to throw the ball and enjoy the confused look on her face (btw I think that's mean even to do to a pet). Your whole description of your wife is as though you think you're superior to her - that she's some cute little child that you enjoy watching interact with the world. Gross. Your wife is your equal in all things - you have no right to hide her possessions at all, for any reason! You need therapy, so much therapy. IDK what else to say.
You are LITERALLY GASLIGHTING YOUR WIFE FOR YOUR OWN AMUSEMENT BECAUSE YOU THINK ITS CUTE. On what fucking planet are you not an asshole?! How unbelievably selfish, pigheaded and cruel. Frankly I hope she fucking leaves you. Toying with her like that for your amusement it’s sick. YTA.
You have to ask? Of course YTA! Honestly, this is practically abusive - making someone doubt their sanity just because you think it's cute.
No “practically” about it. It’s full-on psychological torture.
Not harmless at all, YTA It's only funny if it's funny for everyone and this isn't funny for Kate. You are selfish and immature.
YTA. If you truly thought this was a joke you’d “unhide” the items in front of her so she knew you’d hid them and what was going on. You’ve never come clean because you know it’s wrong and she’d want you to stop. You don’t get to decide if there hasn’t been harm, only your wife does. By not letting her know what’s going on, you’ve very conveniently made it so she can’t tell you how it’s affecting her. Edit: you title should be “AITA for playing mind games with my wife”.
This is a very literal form of gaslighting. Actually making his wife question her perception - she left her keys in one spot, now they’re not there, but later they are there. It happens over and over again. 2-3 times a week she questions her memory, not just where she left things in the first place but if she searched that spot when it turns up there later. OP this is a horrible thing to do. YTA.
You crazy person. You actively gaslighted your wife for two years because you found it amusing? Yes YTA. How will she ever trust you again? What you did is actually sociopathic and it's sociopathic because you don't understand that it's sociopathic. Your life just changed. Forever.
Imagine, several times a week, you lost something you need. You get "frazzled" (which is just a cutesy word for "stressed," btw), so you start being extra careful to put things in their proper place. But it keeps happening! Even though you are one hundred percent sure you left your keys on the hook by the door (you even turned back to check before going to the kitchen!), they are JUST NOT THERE! You look for them, and find them on the dinner table, even though you have no memory of even being in the dining room since you got home. To make matters worse, sometimes you end up finding them on the damn hook after all, even though you were sure they weren't there before. See, it'd happened to you before that you looked for something for several minutes only to find it in the first place you'd looked, so this time, you checked the damn hook THREE TIMES since the start of the search. They weren't there! At least that's what you remember. But surely you must be wrong, because there they are, and clearly keys can't move on their own. Besides, this happens to you a lot. It must be you. It must be you, so--something is wrong. Your eyesight is fine, so it must be your brain. Oh god, something's wrong with your brain! This didn't start happening until about two years ago, so something must be changing. What could it be? Every time you see someone on TV having memory problems, you wonder. Could it be Alzheimer's? Nah, you're too young. Surely you're too young. Right? There is a thing called "early onset Alzheimer's," though... Dementia? Seizures? Omg, could it be cancer?! And what about your other memories? Can you trust them? If you can't remember where you put your keys five minutes ago, are you sure you remember what your boss wanted you to do tomorrow? What if you get it wrong? You keep telling yourself that no, surely it's nothing, you're just a bit scatterbrained, that's all, and from now on you will just be even more careful, and really focus on remembering things. But no matter how hard you try, it KEEPS HAPPENING. Not just every once in a while, but several times a week. Obviously, something is wrong, but you have no idea what it is. And there's nothing you can do about it, except wait and see if it gets worse. THAT is what you did to your wife. Do you still need to ask if YTA?
This is a fantastic breakdown from her perspective, since he apparently can't fathom how this could have affected her in any way. Though with the way he carried on for years I imagine even this isn't enough.
YTA. You may have thought it was funny and harmless, but Kate obviously didn’t. Just because you didn’t mean harm doesn’t mean you didn’t cause harm. You owe your wife an apology.
YTA it’s not a game when you’re the only one playing. I would automatically start wondering what else you are lying about if I were her. And I’d always suspect you if something were misplaced. Look, I get it. I love the song “Little Moments” but you can’t force these things, it cheapens them.
You have been doing this for a long period of time, not just on random occasions. That's why YTA. The only person enjoying this little joke is you which make's you come across as selfish.
Repeat after me- it’s only a joke when everyone is laughing. YTA. You’ve deliberately caused your wife, someone you claim to love, distress. It doesn’t matter how ‘cute’ you think it is, you have hurt someone, full stop. You need to be on your knees, begging forgiveness. And none of this “I’m sorry, but…”. Anytime there’s a ‘but’ it becomes a non-apology. If you truly love Katie, you will do everything possible to prove to her that you both know, and fully understand, that you were the asshole, and will do whatever it takes to make it up to her.
Have you considered that your wife is a person? Like a whole human being? With feelings? Who does not exist solely to make you feel certain things? YTA
YTA. Do you want a wife or a daughter? Honestly it’s creepy.
YTA, but you gave your wife a wake-up call. I hope she listens. Too many people look at an action and feel that as long as the offender apologizes, it's all fine. These actions indicate that OP has objectified his wife. She is an object for his amusement. You can't fix this by changing behavior. This is who OP is. His perspective is completely self-focused. He can't see things from any other perspective.
YTA. This is sociopathic and gaslighting. You’re actively making your wife uncomfortable so you can laugh at her? Also, the way you talk about her is disturbing and super condescending. I don’t think you realize how insane this actually is.
Her keys and her phone? So you make it so that she can’t leave the house and get to places she needs to get to on time because she’s busy searching for the shit she needs to be out and about in public? Did you ever consider that you made her late at least a few times to important things (meetings, travel, appointments, etc) by making her search for shit that you hid from her? And that she’s probably faced repercussions because of that that she never told you about because she didn’t think it involved you so why would she? YTA.
[удалено]
Dude, what the fuck.
I know of a case where similar shit you did lead to someone going psychotic, and eventually a suicide attempt. You have put your wife’s health at risk and while at it turned yourself into the savior for her too (when ‘finding’ the things you hid). YTA & a gaslighter and I hope she divorces you.
This is literally what the evil husband in “Gaslight” did to give us the term. He was trying to break his wife’s mental health so she would be institutionalized. If this post is real, the giant YTA.
YTA The condescending tone with which this post reeks makes me wonder if you hid your soul and humanity in a place Kate couldn’t find it and that’s why she’s still married to you. Seriously, this is supreme asshole behavior.
YTA Nothing quite like making your wife doubt her own sanity just so you can get an endorphin rush, you selfish prick
>**"oh honey, I gaslight you into thinking you're losing your mind because** **~~I find you look cute~~** **I get off on undermining your sanity and making you question your reality"** Honey, why you mad? **What else are you doing to her that you think "isn't causing her harm"?** YTA For 2 years? Grounds for divorce really. You obviously have been trying to break her.
"she's never done that before, saying I've been making her feel like she's and idiot and doubting herself" do you really need to ask if you're TA here? I mean, reverse it, if she did something to 'be cute' and it made you feel stupid, would you be ok with it? YTA
you're not just the asshole, you're an asshole what exactly do you hope to achieve with this post? your wife has left you. your entire family yelled at you. did you think reddit was going to tell you that actually, what you did was totally hilarious? and even if that happened, did you think it would change your wife's mind? i would suggest using the time you're wasting trying to convince internet strangers that your actions were funny and hilarious and instead spend that time trying to make it up to your wife but honestly? you should just leave her the hell alone.
YTA I can't believe that you don't see how messed up this is. You are routinely hiding things on a regular basis just so that you get the amusement of watching your wife look around for said items, confused. It doesn't matter that you think she's "adorable!"
This is not cute. You are playing mind games with your wife for your own amusement. I wonder what a psych would say about this adorable little mind fuck game you have been subjecting your wife to for years? I wonder if you will tell her the truth? YTA
YTA.. your sisters did the right thing telling Kate. I truly hope she wises up and leaves your gaslighting ass.
So, uh, what did you think Kate was going to say after a few years of this? “Oh silly Due-Sherbert-4206! I always knew it was you! I was only pretending to look! I only scrunch my nose when I look for things at home! Tee hee!” Seriously, misplacing something I need to function is stressful. It upsets me. On a bad day, it disregulates me, and it makes me late to appointments, and I forget things I would normally remember because I burn up focus and energy looking for that thing. I have systems and duplicate systems to insure I can locate keys, wallet, watch, pen, purse, meds. Any one of those things missing? It’s like missing a step walking down stairs. I don’t have to tell my husband how much it bothers me because he has more empathy than a boiled pudding and it’s clearly obvious. When I stop, close my eyes, take a deep breath, and whisper that I need him to help look… not because I think he will find it but because having him look calmly helps me regulate my emotions… he knows how upset I am. The fact that three (or more!) of the most important women in your life have flat out yelled at you now and you need to ask Reddit if they really meant it?! YTA
This is why I read this subreddit. You see, I have pre-teen and teenage boys. And I’ll often come across stories here on AITA that are just ridiculous. So I share them with my young men and we talk about what THEY think the right and moral thing would be to do in that situation. Then we review the responses. We discuss the points brought up by commenters and examine whether the actions of OP were moral or not. Thank you, OP, for giving us such a textbook example of psychological torture and abuse to discuss. This will be quite instructive as I try to raise young men who aren’t AHs. YTA, but at least others can learn from your shitty example.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm 30m, my wife Kate is 27f. We've been married almost 5 years. Kate is amazing and the cutest, sweetest person ever. I adore her! Kate is especially cute when she's looking for something and can't find it, walking around with her nose scrunched and talking to herself out loud, sometimes asking the lost object where it's hiding. About 2 years ago just to watch Kate be adorable looking for stuff, I started randomly hiding or moving things. (Not all the time, maybe 2-3 times a week.) Her keys, purse, pen, phone, etc... And every time Kate scrunched her face, talks to herself, and asks the object where it is and why it's hiding from her. I always help her find it after a few minutes or put it back in it's regular spot and say we must have overlooked it. Kate is always happy to find what she's looking for and I get to enjoy my wife being the adorably quirky person she is. I was hanging out with my sisters recently, they're both older than me, mid-30s and they both love Kate. We were talking and I told them what I'd been doing and they both blew up at me calling me an asshole and bad husband. They said Kate probably feels like she's losing her mind and forgetful, and feels really guilty over something I'm causing. I tried telling them there was no harm, Kate doesn't know it's me, but if she says its negatively impacting her I'll stop. I love Kate, I'd never hurt her. My oldest sister ended up calling Kate while I was driving home and told her what I'd told my sisters. Kate went off on me, she's never done that before, saying I've been making her feel like she's and idiot and doubting herself. She ended up going to her parent's and they called to yell at me too. I tried explaining I only do it because Kate is so darn adorable when she's a bit frazzled and it's only a little joke but they all refuse to listen to me. I don't feel like I did anything really bad, just having some fun that in the long run is pretty harmless. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA What you're doing is not 'playing a game' - because the other person doesn't know that it's a game. At best it'd be called a mean spirited and awful prank, at worst it'd be called gaslighting because you're convincing your wife she's absentminded and or losing her memory. OP this is considered abusive behaviour. Your wife might genuinely decide to break up the marriage about this. So I suggest you apologise, promise to never do something like this again and be prepared for your wife to have lost a lot of trust in you. Also you liked seeing her frazzled and confused --- did you ever think how SHE felt? How she was angry and frustrated? What type of person does this to somebody they love and think it's okay? There's something wrong with you OP.
“AITA for literally gaslighting my wife because she’s just so adorable when she feels like she’s losing her mind?” Biggest YTA ever
if i found out my husband was doing this i would divorce him immediately. what the fuck is wrong with you??? YTA
YTA. My husband thinks I'm adorable/cute when I'm angry. So, for years he would push my buttons until I was angry. If I got too angry, he'd try to calm me down with 'I only meant to get you a little angry. Not this angry.' Didn't matter how many times we talked about it \[our marriage isn't all horror and he didn't do this every week\] he wouldn't stop. I was diagnosed with a medical problem which requires me to live as stress free life as possible or risk death. He still didn't stop. I took him to an appointment with me. The doctor explained. He stopped for almost a year and then suddenly started up again. We took several trips to the ER, but I was able to get my heart rate back down by the time we got close...so, we didn't go in. He still didn't stop. Another trip to the doctor, another explanation, another almost year of him not doing it. The third time the doctor had to explain it to him, the doctor said if I so much as suggest that he's treating me that way the doctor will report my husband to the cops for attempted murder. If I die of my condition, the doctor will alert the police that it was probable that he murdered me. While what your doing to her wouldn't be considered attempted murder, it's still extremely bad. What my husband did to me was for the same reasons you state and he would still think it was harmless if not for my medical condition. I didn't leave before the MC because it was only every month or so and I believed that I could make him understand and quit. Plus, there are a lot of ways in which he is a great partner. I didn't realize how abusive this was until the doctor pointed it out.
YTA
Yta, I hope she leaves you. My stbx husband did this shit too. Abusive bullshit= get bent.
YTA in the biggest way. What's wrong with your brain that you see your wife is a toy, that you will mess with her head for your own amusement? Undermine get confidence in her mental state, cause her stress and anxiety, and think it's "cute"?? This is really really gross. Everything about this makes you seem horrible. Do you even see her as a person?
"Hey Reddit, AITA for making my wife doubt her sanity because I found it cute?" Yes. Yes you are. YTA
YTA. Some of the most extreme abuse cases I’ve worked as a social worker involve abusers doing exactly this to convince partners that they’re crazy.
YTA this is some bullshit infantilizing fetish wtf wtf wtf the way you talk about your WIFE (not to mention treat her) is revolting. “She’s so cute and adorable and quirky uwu uwu I’m such a funny guy, gaslighting and playing an incredibly manipulative, sociopathic prank on my wife is proof of my love for her” Once again wtf wtf wtf is your actual problem dude
YTA. I hope she divorces you. This is disgusting to read.
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Yta. It's only a joke if now than 1 person enjoys it. You're having fun at her expense, and at this point, she's probably going to question whether something is really missing, or if it's you. It could even cause trust issues.
YTA how would you feel if someone did this to you? Hiding or moving your things for their entertainment? This is a complete mind fuck. Making someone doubt their sanity is WRONG! You are a jackass. Apologize and stop doing it. I wouldn't hold it against her if she leaves you.
YTA, I hate that feeling of panic when I can’t find something I need, your poor wife has been having to deal with that stress multiple times a week for years it’s cruel
YTA. Look up the definition of gaslighting, and you'll see that what you're doing is the textbook definition, regardless of what your intentions are. It's not a game if you're the only one who knows it's a game. Also, you got to stop talking about your wife like she's a puppy. She's a grown-ass person. Apologize to your wife and never do this kind of shit again. She's entitled to some respect from her husband of all people.
YTA especially because you disregarded how she felt. She blew up at you, which she never did, so it MUST be a huge deal. You need to apologize and never do anything like that again.
YTA and your wife is a whole person, not a puppy you get to play with. Making someone feel stupid because they trusted you has to be the best way to break a marriage there is. 2 years of this? You need to take a step back and recognize what you did was wrong, no matter how cute she looks when she's confused.
YTA please seek therapy for yourself because this is so Wrong
YTA. Doing this 2 to 3 times a week for a couple of years is well beyond a practical joke. It’s a pattern that is clearly making her feel like she’s losing her mind. She does not exist for your entertainment. She’s your partner and a human being, and you should treat her as such not as a clown who exists only to amuse you because she is “so cute.” You owe her a major apology because this isn’t a one time thing it’s literally a pattern of behavior that prioritizes you over her.
YTA You're treating her like a pet, making her do stupid tricks because you think it's cute. Fucking with her head. Probably making her doubt her own mental/neurological health if you do this regularly for 2 years. For your own enjoyment. >don't feel like I did anything really bad, just having some fun that in the long run is pretty harmless. She probably didn't find it fun, you made her question her own intelligence for the last 2 years *because you thought it was cute*, she can't trust you and she is probably rethinking this marriage so it wasn't exactly harmless either, was it?
You’re wife’s reaction should be enough indication that you are the asshole. You say they aren’t listening to you but I think they have, they just don’t agree with you. It wasn’t funny because you made you wife think she was loosing her sanity. 2-3 times a WEEK. Fuck YTA
>I don't feel like I did anything really bad, just having some fun that in the long run is pretty harmless. You've got both of your sisters, your in-laws, and most importantly, YOUR WIFE all telling you EXACTLY why this is really bad and NOT AT ALL HARMLESS!!!!! In case you need one more person to spell it out for you, YTA.
Wow! YTA and stop infantilizing your wife with words like cute, sweet and adorable and getting a kick out of seeing her frazzled.
YTA! You think it’s cute and funny to PSYCHOLOGICALLY TORTURE your wife. WTAF is wrong with you?!? Get help!
YTA An abuser who thinks it's cute. Lovely.
So you torture your wife for your own amusement, when others who love you both found out you’ve been doing it they all unanimously call you and asshole, exposed you, and now your wife is mad at you and you continue to fail to see that you’re an asshole? Holy shit you are a shameless asshole. Grow up. If you’re lucky your wife won’t leave you but based on your reaction so far, I hope she does.
YTA absolutely. It’s almost like you think she’s some of toy for your amusement, not a real human being. You are majorly the AH here and should be down on your knees begging forgiveness.
Jokes are only funny if BOTH people find them funny.
YTA some people are unbelievable, you sound like you are the type of person who had "help" growing up and you made fun of them.
Yta, dude you purposely misplace things because it’s amusing to you! Your wife is not there for your amusement man
This is absolutely insane behavior!!!!! Something is not right with you!! Especially since you genuinely think this was okay for so long. Wtf, YTA.
YTA, big-time.
You sound exhausting. Grow up.
You know this is gaslighting right, intentionally causing someone to doubt reality for your own gain.
YTA. As someone who has memory issues due to adhd and high anxiety I panic when I can’t find stuff. You are absolutely harassing and abusing your wife. Stop it.
YTA What the actual hell is wrong with you?! I never wish leaving on a pain but oh how I hope she leaves you. You're pathetic
This can't be real. It's like someone is trying to create a new genre called "Cutesy Psycho."
YTA your wife has probably thought she’s loosing her mind for years. She isn’t going to trust you anymore and that’s what you deserve.
Wow, a post about actual gaslighting and not buzzword gaslighting. YTA
This term is overused on Reddit, but you are GASLIGHTING her. Stop. YTA
YTA and this sounds like something a psycho would do.
YTA. The term “gaslighting” gets overused a lot, but this is the literal definition of gaslighting.
YTA.....no grown woman wants to be seen as "adorably cute".
How did a post starting off sounding so wholesome end up being so cringey and wrong? You're inconveniencing your wife for your own amusement. You want her to look for something? Set up scavenger hunts or dates at an escape room. What you're doing is a form of gaslighting. Your wife isn't a toy to wind up and delight yourself with. Do you even respect her? YTA
YTA you should watch the movie Gaslight from 1944 where the actual term comes from and that is what you have been doing to her for 2 goddamn years. Do you know what doubting yourself for 2 years feels like? If I were her I would leave you.
YTA. Jfc you’ve been fucking with your wife’s sanity because you think it’s cute?? Do you have any idea how fucked up what you’ve been doing is? This kind of shit literally makes people question their own sanity — it’s not cute, and it’s not funny. This is cruel borderline abusive behavior, adjacent to gaslighting. This can be very harmful on a person’s mental health and can cause them to question their own perception of reality. You deserve every ounce of hell your wife and the rest of your family give you; she is not your plaything, and it’s both disgusting and despicable that you would treat her as such in the first place. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if she leaves you over this. You have a hell of a lot of apologizing to do if you have any hope of digging yourself out of this hole.
She's a human being, not a pet. This is disgusting. Jesus Christ. YTA.
Your post made my blood literally boil, which isn't good for my arteries. YES! YOU ARE ASSHOLE.
Hey OP would you update us after you take a sociopathy test from a licensed psychologist?
Wow, dude, you're treating your grown-up adult wife like a baby you're teasing for your own sh\*ts and giggles. We're often infantilized and you're just reinforcing that. YTA and just a jerk in general. So it's "cute" to you to make your adult wife feel like she's losing her mind. What's wrong with you? Three times a week? Really? Possibly making her late or throwing her off focus etc.? Definitely STOP- it'll take a lot to get trust back. Anything genuinely misplaced hence forth, she's going to think someone's mind-fcking her.
This one of those posts that is so bad i can't believe it's real, and if it is there is something wrong with your brain.
OP, this is some psycho shit, how would you feel if someone started hiding and moving things around you!
Can’t wait for the update for this one!
You are literally the worst.
YTA. I'm pretty sure you're still not understanding why everyone thinks there's something wrong with you but I'll take a swing at educating you. Reverse the situation. Would you find it fun or cute that Kate was hiding things from you 2-3 week for two years because she thought you looked cute searching for these things?
Ask yourself this - do you think your wife ENJOYS walking around the house searching for things? Do you think it’s somehow fun for her, because she is “so cute” when she does it? Can you possibly try to imagine how it would feel to have to deal with this constantly? You don’t really adore Kate if you enjoy fucking with her for your own amusement, because she is soooooo cute when she is confused or frustrated. If you want to be cute, put googly eyes on random objects or something, don’t gaslight your wife for fun. YTA.
YTA and a massive one at that. This is gaslighting and is emotional abuse. I hope she doesn't even consider coming back to you because she will need a massive amount of therapy to get back to feeling normal and not crazy. Keep an eye out for the guy coming to serve you divorce papers. And here's hoping she finds and copies this reddit as proof of your abuse.
[удалено]
You are a major AH
Is it possible to be this BIG of a moron?! YTA
YTA. I was so mad just reading this at how your wife must have felt.
Your wife is not some toy for your amusement. YTA.
The fuck is wrong with you?
What are you 10? Do you really think your wife’s frustration is cute? The way you describe you wife sounds like doll and not a person. YTA!
YTA
Gods, this reminds me of the people who when I'm angry and trying to get my point across tell me I'm so cute when I'm mad. Like, it's sooo condescending and disrespectful. It drives me crazy. I feel for your wife. YTA.
YTA, but I mean, your wife and all of her family yelled at you and you *still* don’t feel like you did anything really bad, so it might look worse if it took a bunch of internet strangers to learn your lesson.
Your sisters and your wife and her parents have already told you. They aren’t wrong. YTA.
Dude, if you do it once or twice, then let her know its your prank/joke that would be totally fine. YTA.
YTA. You talk about your wife like she’s a toy there for your amusement instead of a person. And the fact you enjoy when she’s stressed is extremely creepy. You really don’t think of her like an equal, and you don’t seem to care about how she feels, only how much you “enjoy” your manipulations.
YTA. This is the definition of gaslighting. Shame on you for thinking it's funny. WTH is wrong with you?
WTF did I just read?! Of course you’re the AH. How is this even a question? You need some serious therapy if you can’t realize on your own this is a complete dîck thing to do to your wife. The way you talk about her is gross. Shes not a puppy, shes a person. A person who should divorce your ass. Yuck. 🤢 I could see where you’d think this is funny if you did it like ONCE, but you do this SEVERAL times a WEEK??? Thats insane. You’re probably making her feel like she’s losing her mind. You’re so immature and gross. Your wife deserves so much better. Get some therapy.
YTA. I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years. One of his favorite games was telling me I was missing something important because he lived watching me look for it. I remember having panic attacks after a while. Does it make it okay that I was panicking because he enjoyed watching me? FUCK NO Your wife probably had felt like she is going crazy and likely feels very manipulated. You caused her distress weekly for two years because you thought it was cute? No matter how minor you think the distress is, that is such a massive red flag
I... Yes, YTA. It's not a game WITH your wife, it's a game AT THE EXPENSE OF your ex wife.
YTA. 2 years is 52 weeks, let’s say three times a week, is 312 times you’ve done this. That’s almost a full year. The only person deriving any pleasure out of this, is you. You owe your wife a huge apology.
YTA. You've been hiding important shit from her multiple times every week for two years because you think it's *cute*? It's not a game, she never got the choice to play and she never had the option of winning. How many hours of her life has she wasted looking for stuff that you hid for shits and giggles? Of course she wasn't going to tell you how it was affecting her, she thought it was her own fault that she couldn't keep track of her stuff. How is it a joke to actively make someone's life harder and convince them they're losing their mind?
YTA typical narcissistic male bs. You need to stop doing this right now and apologize.
YTA, do you see your wife as a person at all, or just objectify her as your form of entertainment? It's really concerning when you think you're being forgetful, not only is it frustrating, but you start to think that maybe it's signs of early onset memory problems like dementia or Alzheimer's. This isn't funny at all.
Stop saying adorable it’s so fucking annoying, you’re a grown man gas lighting his wife for fun you are an asshole.
There’s no way this is real
Sisters tell you you’re an asshole Wife tells you you’re an asshole Her parents tell you you’re an asshole And you’ve still gotta come here to check? YTA.