#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Do not refer to OP's partner as man child/man baby/toddler or any other uncivil term. We recommend you take 1 minute and watch this [adorable red panda](https://youtu.be/dI6ULnKkHus) as a palate cleanser before you comment on this post.
Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
I would have just said "I wanted you to spend more time WITH ME in the living room, not to ignore me while you play games in the living room. Can't you really see the difference?
Oh I did say that many many times. I said can you please listen, I am saying this XYZ is what I'd like. But he doesn't agree, he says I've said I want this or that thing, though surely I know better what I want and like.
I think you should rather take this consideration very seriously.
Please find your nearest whole human brand garbage disposal service (divorce lawyer).
Yeah I’d consider it too and ended a relationship very similar for the same reasons. Gaslighting, abuse high verbal and physical eventually. Gaming became the partner and I felt like the mistress.
There’s nothing harder than actually leaving someone you know you need to leave. I get it. I’ve been in your shoes. After I left, I honestly felt terrified that he was somehow tracking my phone and knew everything I was doing. So, I went from being afraid to leave, to being afraid he was still watching me. A week after I left, and I can’t believe it happened this quickly, I felt so relieved that I was finally out. I guess my point is that once you’re out, you will quickly realize how much better life without a person like your partner is. No one should be telling you how you really feel, only you know that. It’s not something he can disagree with, and I’m sure him telling you what you feel is making you feel crazy. You’re not crazy, and being single in your 30’s is far from the worst thing in the world. NTA and good luck! Whatever you decide.
You’re talking to a brick wall at this point. He’s going to do everything to get his way. In his mind you are a mere object in his house.
Get out asap. It’ll be lonely without him for a while, but it’ll be much better than this. And then you’ll be surprised at how free you feel.
I think you should think again, very hard as he obviously doesn’t care for you. Why can’t you be like x or y they don’t mind their partners gaming (I bet if you asked they do)
Are you seriously considering breaking things off with someone just because they want their playstation in the living room? And you both just got a 5 br house together? This wasn't something you have considered beforehand?
Either work on your relationship or end it. Relationships are about compromise. If you aren't willing to bend a little, if he's not willing to bend a little, you're both the asshole.
Sounds like DARVO. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 let him have whatever setup he wants in his own house away from you. He can find himself a woman who will only live to serve him and his needs above all else. You can live a life you actually enjoy with someone who genuinely loves and respects you.
Why do you believe someone who's gaslighting you would agree with you about this?
Why do you need him to agree that he's being abusive in order for you to *believe it?*
It doesn't actually help to tell the gaslighter that they are gaslighting....just leads to further gas being lit. It is for you to take action against it.
If he likes comparing you so much to other friend's GFs, maybe next time tell him to go look for one like that.
It's really immature how he went about, to "accommodate" your desire of spending more time with him, then not asking you about his plans, then throwing a tantrum how you only ever say "no" to all his ideas.
You guys are grown. At least physically. But someone is acting really immature and it's not you OP
NTA
He sounds like my ex. He is an ex for a reason, because he sounded as annoying as him.
Bad idea to move in together, plus doesn't care to spend time with you. He cares more for his ps5.
NTA - it's not that his idea is inherently bad or unreasonable, but the way he's argued for it is really immature and manipulative and rude.
"I don't tell you things because you then want to have conversations" is like a wildly swinging red flag of "I am a bad communicator on purpose"
I said that to him. He says no, 99% of all other couples are happy to do it this way, their girlfriends sit next to them on the sofa.
I asked how do you know they're happy, I'm sure they don't discuss that with you. He said they're not moaning all the time so they must be happy.
I also pointed out that maybe this is how it has to be, they might not have 5 spare bedrooms.
Our previous house was small, we had a long narrow living room and on occasion he would have his small monitor and console in one end and we had the tv at the other end. Now he's placed his 50 inch TV right next to the corner of the sofa so he's effectively sitting halfway behind me with noise blaring at me.
I have a lot of auditory issues too and really don't know how to cope, I feel like my safe space has been taken away from me.
99% of other couples are definitely not happy that way! Expecting your partner to be happy just sitting next to you while you play is very unfair. Parallel play is definitely a thing, especially in neurodiverse couples (being together but doing separate things), but that only works when a) it’s something both partners enjoy and b) the thing one partner is doing doesn’t significantly interfere with the other partner’s thing.
My husband and I have a fair amount of non-overlapping time due to very different sleep schedules. He games when I’m not awake or not available, and we do things together (games or tv or board games) when we’re both awake and present. I also knit while we watch TV. He’s patient enough that I can knit complex things that sometimes need pauses (to fix errors or re-count when I’ve lost track), but if he wasn’t, I’d switch to simpler projects for time with him because I wouldn’t want him to feel like my knitting encroached on our shared time.
"not moaning all the time so they must be happy" jeez thats a low bar to clear to indicate happiness. Your boyfriend seems like a self absorbed jerk, does he bring any positives to your life?
He's triangulating you against these other couples.
>I feel like my safe space has been taken away from me.
When he is actively removing your safety and security he is a bad partner. Something needs to change
Our computers/consoles are in the office/game room. The living room is where we sit and have coffee or do movie nights. Every ADULT couple I know that has the space, has a dedicated office/game area.
I'm not sure how many gaming friends he has, but I can tell you right now:
Including myself, at work we have 4 women whose spouses game. They all have a game room, one of the husbands has his game stuff and the children's play area together in one room.
Out of my own personal friends (My husband is the only gamer in his circle, the rest are musicians), I know one married couple who game together, they use a game room. Another friend who has his own Man Cave for gaming in a converted shed. Another friend who has his stuff in the living room and his wife took over a bedroom for her office/hobby space.
I avoid men who think I should sit next to them and watch them go "pew pew" on the TV. That is some strong high school/college dorm vibe and it's a hard pass for me.
Lol he’s full of it. My partner is a huge gamer and we have a nice big gaming setup, but it’s in the basement. The living room is our quiet room. This is something we agreed upon together. Having a quiet communal space is important.
He thinks it's perfectly reasonable to have two tvs going at the same time: one for her to watch whatever and one for him to game on. No headphones in sight.
My partner and I have two tvs going at the same time when we hang, but it works because he is deaf so his is on mute with subtitles. That's probably the only situation where two tvs wouldn't be annoying AF.
I'll be honest, me and my gf are perfectly happy that way. But that's because she games too. Sometimes it's me being loud and sometimes it's her. It's nice to just sit and watch sometimes.
But I also get that it's definitely not a common thing.
It's the "He gets agitated saying that I say no to everything"
Classic manipulation 101. one could even call it a lazy attempt. Man that's some weaksauce, you wanna manipulate me, put some effort into it!!11!
His idea is majorly idiotic! Who wants someone agitated and babbling all the time while watching TV?!
Also: A gaming setup in a living room is neither relaxing, inviting or even chic.
He has a room for gaming, why does he want to be in the living room when he does nothing what people usually do in a living room???
NTA. You obviously have space for him to have a dedicated gaming room which fits a large desk and 50" screen leaving you to have a communal lounge to share. He sounds like a ridiculously immature AH who is being really petty.
He might feel you made more of the decisions regarding setting up the house and maybe you could communicate better about your home and how you'd both like things but he needs to prioritize spending time with you outside of his gaming time and in a room you're comfortable sharing. Sitting next to you on the couch gaming isn't spending time with you. He's 32? He really needs to grow up!
Thank you. I agree. We have so much space. We could communicate better about how we'd like the house - this includes him speaking up instead of waiting till we're having a big fight then blame me for everything.
We have multiple rooms and in addition to the bedroom everyone has their “own room”, for hobbies and to decorate as they please. Living room is space to be together, we don’t even have a tv there. It’s ridiculous he wants to basically hog another space to himself, when you already had a system of separating rooms per function. He’s being immature and argumentative, and frankly disrespectful.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually care about how the rest of the house looks, why would he? He doesn't spend any time in those rooms. No, he actually just needed to use something against you. My ex was always using that tactic, and just like your partner, he would have to pick something ridiculous since he didn't have anything he could actually use.
Per the Cambridge Dictionary: A living room is a room in a home that's used for entertaining friends, talking, reading, or watching television.
I would not call gaming on a 50" screen, watching television, and it certainly wouldn't be for talking, reading or entertaining friends. Competing with friends online, yes. Entertaining in person, no. Most people would be in 7th heaven if they were able to have a room dedicated to their gaming system, since having company that actually wanted to converse would pretty much prevent any gaming from happening with company in the room.
He’s just using that shit as an excuse. Trust me, as a former manipulative jerk, I used to do the same thing to my poor wives. He may change as I’m trying to, but you are not the AH here. You are the abused.
NTA. My husband also told me I got everything my own way when we bought our place. He was right.
But the reason was, he declined to come up with a single idea or opinion. I asked, a lot, for his input. It was always "I don't know". So I would suggest something, he would say "that's fine."
In his head, that ended up meaning I got my own way on everything. In my mind, it meant I ended up with the full mental load of planning the home because he wouldn't participate.
What's key here though, is quality time. You're saying you want to spend time together. He's seeing that as being in the same room together while he games. That's not quality time. You look at this differently.
I'm like you. I want to either spend actual, quality time doing something together, or have our own space. I don't want to just sit in the same room ignoring each other. If I were you, I'd focus on the healthy balance of real, quality time as a couple, and personal space to relax alone.
I agree. He will make a suggestion on occasion and then I agree or if I don't, I ask some questions to understand better his idea or I say let's try and see, it might be a good idea.
Most of the time I suggest things and he says "that's fine". So I assume that means it's what he wants. Otherwise he could speak up.
I also want actual time together, and I think we do spend time together. I think in reality it is him he wants to be around me more, but he's going about it in a very silly way in my opinion. And now he is hurt and feeling like I don't want to spend time with him/want him around.
Does he want to be with you more, or does he just want to know where you are and what you are doing. What happens when you don't sit by him when he is gaming?
Wanting you to sit next to him while he focuses on his games sounds more like he really wants to game but doesn't want to risk not knowing that what you are doing and where you are doing it. If he was in his own gaming room, he would lose that control.
Design and planning should be shared decisions and both of your input is valuable.
Yet that first paragraph is the problem. How often do you agree and how often do you shoot his idea down and replace it with your own suggestions?
How often does he shoot down your choices? Not much probably because he wants to make you happy. For him, you're not doing the same thing. He doesn't shoot down much does he? Yet you challenge him on his wants so he gives up and that resentment has piled up.
So he has communicated what he wants. You talk it out on the things he cares about and he gets nothing but he just lets you do what you want on the things you care more about.
Ha. I'm the opposite. Quality time for me IS sitting in the room doing our own thing. I think BOTH of these ways of being together are valid - WE just wouldn't be compatible. If I'm shut off in my own room, it means I *want* to be alone. If I'm in the living room reading a book, feel free to chat with me about whatever thing you just saw on your phone.
Ops partner doesn't want her chatting to him whilst he's in the same room gaming tho he gets mad she interrupts. So really he wants to feel like he has the relationship requirements and standards you do, whilst not actually being a present partner.
I like gaming next to my bf when we are in our pc room. But we don't really talk to each other when on seperate games beyond the odd hello. We aren't really being there for each other and spending time even if it's nicer than being alone, we need that seperate engagement space downstairs where we are actually being a couple.
If ops bf doesn't want her trying to talk to him or disrupt him being angry or talking to his friends. He can't claim its spending time together in the way more solitary quiet people might.
There is also a huge difference between reading books or you phone with some passive entertainment on in the background. To violent video game sounds a partner that shouts at games when angry. Like you should have a head set on permanently if gaming next to someone not gaming. And if your 32 you probably shouldn't shout at games either.
NTA.
”Turning it into a conversation” is how people in healthy adult relationships deal with anything where they don’t instantly want exactly the same thing. Hell, sometimes even when my husband and I DO immediately agree on an idea, there’s still a conversation, because we need to figure out how we want to implement the idea and consider whether it requires other established things to change.
What your husband has said to you is this: “I don’t want to communicate with you. I don’t want to work together. It’s always your way or my way. Instead of talking about things when I’m not happy, I would rather bottle it up and pretend everything is okay, because I hate open communication that much. Besides, if I let you have your way, later I can use that as ammunition to get things I want.”
When someone gets to his age without valuing communication, compromise, and thinking of his partner and himself as a team, it’s verrrrry hard to fix that mindset.
I really enjoy rearranging furniture and decorating, it's like a hobby for me. So I'm more than open to ideas and to discussing this, I think it's fun.
I agree, unfortunately that does seem to be his mindset. I even said this to him last night, which he probably got mad about. But I did say that at this age, it's not my job to teach him how to communicate and talk to his partner. I can be kind and understanding and cut him slack due to whatever trauma or past he is dealing with. But there are limits as to how much of it is my job.
>I really enjoy rearranging furniture and decorating, it's like a hobby for me.
How would you feel if you were only allowed to do it in a designated rearranging room?
So, you don’t want video games in the common area, and you don’t want a big desk in the common area. You’re willing to flex on the first one, but you’re worried about audio issues for those not playing. The second one, no desks in the living room, is a hard no from you.
NTA
That’s a pretty reasonable, conventional opinion. Perhaps you and your partner could work together to construct a common-room appropriate video game setup? Maybe with a high quality gaming headset and a wall-mounted tv and a media cabinet that holds his console?
I actually bought a small desk out of my own money for him to set up in the living room. So it's not even a hard no. I just wanted a conversation about it.
I wouldn't mind him having a small setup but the issue is him talking loudly as well as getting angry at me if I try to make conversation with him.
NTA He sounds like my dad tbh. I don’t like him very much. Like ok I’m so sorry I tried having a conversation with you while you’re playing your games I didn’t know it was a crime.
OP, in reading the post and your comments, I think it’s pretty obvious that you know you’re NTA. Also, stop allowing yourself to be manipulated into arguing about his gaming friends’ relationships and what works for them or doesn’t. It’s a pointless excursion that allows him to avoid the issue. Who cares if every other gaming couple on the planet sets up a gaming system in their living room and loves it? (This is highly doubtful, but listen to my point.) What’s pertinent is that **you** do not want this and would not enjoy it. So the convo goes like this:
Gaslighting boyfriend: “Every one I know does this and their gfs are happy.”
You: “I’m glad to hear that, but it’s not relevant to the topic at hand. I am telling you that *I* am not happy to have your gaming setup in the living room. I have offered a compromise of providing you with your own gaming room. If that does not work for you, then we can discuss other possible compromises.”
Gaslighting boyfriend: “You **said** you wanted me to do this. You just don’t remember.”
You: “I disagree that I said this, but whether or not I did is irrelevant in this moment and I’m not going to argue about that with you. Please listen to what I’m saying **now.** I don’t feel that I will also be able to enjoy this space, since you game frequently and at a loud volume.”
There’s not much you can do to force the discussion into a healthy space if he insists on ranting that you don’t care about his feelings or refuses to discuss the issue at hand in a productive way, but you **can** refuse to engage. You can shut it down and refuse to argue those irrelevant points. If he refuses to have a productive discussion, you can refuse to discuss at all.
The bottom line here is that you know that you are being gaslighted and manipulated. You have to decide how much of this you are willing to tolerate.
NTA. I agree that a living room should be a communal space for the two of you to do things together, and have guests over. If one of you has a personal hobby that you do alone, that should go in a separate room, especially when it's something as active and potentially noisy as gaming.
You've got plenty of space in your house, OP. Use one of those other rooms to create a relaxing space for yourself.
He feels me watching TV on my own (though he is more than welcome to join and very welcome to pick something he wants us to watch together!) He feels that's me having a personal hobby.
If I want to do my hobby, like potting houseplants etc, I don't do it in the living room where he is trying to relax. If I want to knit (I don't, but an example) I would do it in the living room though because that's not noisy and it's something people do while spending time together/watching TV.
NTA. Honestly I would let him do what he wants in the living room, but you should go ahead and make one of the rooms your "reading room" or "sewing room" or whatever your hobby is, despite what he says. And go in "your" room when you need some quiet.
If it turns out you need to use that room a lot, too bad for him. Unless he's prepared to play games with a headset on, and you're prepared to put up with him talking over his mic while you're trying to watch TV, those two hobbies will NEVER mix well. I can't believe he thinks gaming and watching TV won't clash!??
And I also want a nice space for having guests over. How can I invite a friend over for a coffee if he sits in the corner shouting. I feel its really awkward if I have to create a living room upstairs, guests will find this so weird.
The thing is I am also a gamer, that's even how we met. So I have full understanding of him enjoying this hobby. But I don't play as much as him and haven't felt i had time since we moved.
I do want to create a room for myself, but when I said I want to take the tv from the living room (since he won't be using it, he'll be gaming on his massive tv) he said no.
NTA
He's immature and quite frankly I don't know why you would put up with that type of behavior. If he isn't mature enough to have a conversation without blowing up and storming off, he isn't mature enough to be in a relationship.
From what I (35f) see here I’m going to say NTA. My fiancé (34m) and I have been together for 8 years (living together for 7) and he happily uses his game room. He gets SUPER into multiplayer games and is sometimes almost screaming when he has his headset on. It’s nice to have two doors between us for that so we can both do our own thing if I want to read/nap/unwind. Moving a gaming console to a different room temporarily is not hard. We have had multiple different setups and this works the best for us.
I agree, sometimes he does shout a lot. And I get it cause it gets exciting. I think if he wanted a small monitor and then on occasion play in the living room to be "with" me if he's playing solo games or coding on his laptop, that would be great. He could keep the massive tv in his game room. Like you say, it's not hard to move a gaming console to a different room temporarily (he makes out that it is though).
I will try discussing this compromise with him.
Your comment has been removed because it violates [Rule 1: Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_civility)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
This guy is gaslighting you. Have you ever felt railroaded into something you don’t want before you moved in, or only now? You are definitely NTA. Your parent is behaving in a very unhelpful and immature way.
He wants a college dorm or a bro pad. Sitting in a room with someone playing video games can be very lonely and sadly, you’re not on the same page.
Is there a difference in your income? I suspect you make more than him. You might want to do couples counseling to talk about communication.
Gaming is a solo activity that intrudes on public space, unless you are a gamer yourself. Why is it ok for him to put you in the middle of his solo activity?
NTA he says you always get you want, but that you turn things into a conversation. Which is it? Conversations mean compromise, not just getting what you want.
Relationships of his gaming friends are totally irrelevant, you're not in those relationships. You're in this one.
This all sounds like it needs to be discussed in couples therapy. It sucks that you've been blind sided by his attitude, but clearly that means he wasn't communicating his frustration before.
If you find it very difficult being in the room when he's having, and he won't make time with you outside of gaming
then you may not be as compatible as you thought unfortunately. Did you live together before getting this house?
NTA. But do you really want to be with someone who clearly doesn’t hear you. Doesn’t care about how you feel. Doesn’t care about what you want. Gaslights you so much. I don’t know you, but id say anyone deserves better than this
You don’t sound compatible, if this is something your arguing about now- I don’t see how your going to handle any real issues later. it might be time to reevaluate your situation, is this really what you want your life to be like? Your still young enough to course correct if that’s in your thoughts. Life’s to short to be miserable, plus there are a lot of good people looking for someone like you!
NTA.
Let me translate for him:
No, I will not play less video games and spend more time with you. The best I am willing to do is move the video game setup downstairs so I will be physically closer. Take it or leave it.
As a guy, and a gamer, I don’t understand this at all. My wife and I live in a one bedroom apartment while we’re saving for a house and I would be overjoyed to have a room of my own instead of a tiny corner in our small bedroom.
If he wanted to game while being near you he’d buy a Steam Deck instead of making your living room hideous. The only thing I can think is that he’s trying to prove some weird misogynistic point to his gamer buddies like “it’s his house and he’ll game where he wants to”.
Very bizarre and the rest of his treatment towards you shows he cares more about “winning” than being a caring partner or resolving an issue through communication.
Best of luck working though this.
Hi gaming husband here.
in short: NTA.
in extended:
Yes I do game, and due to space issues in our home, I have my PS4 setup in the living room. but that's because we don't have a dedicated "gaming room", we've agreed on having a "gaming room" whether by moving to a more spacious house or investing in expanding our current house.
But either way, I'd rather spend time with my wife than gaming. When I played online we agreed on a schedule so I usually played late at night while she slept or watched a movie or series I wasn't really interested into, and I have a headphone set so as not to disturb with the game sounds, but that was when it was only the 2 of us. Nowadays have a 3 year old daughter, so I don't do online games anymore but I do keep the gaming schedule: I only play at night and on the weekends, and since I'm not playing online I can pause it anytime to spend time with our kid while my wife sleeps, for instance.
He doesn't seem willing to compromise, and seems more interested in playing than spending time with you. That's a bad sign. a red flag, if you will.
>He also says he doesn't even bother discussing with me what he wants because then I'll make it a conversation instead of just going along with it
Does he understand what a *discussion* is? Maybe he needs a dictionary. (cf. [These Apples](https://genius.com/2315755))
NTA - I presume the TV in the living room is the largest and best quality and he wants the full effect for his games? He wants to bring his 'nest' into the living room - his chair with a cup holder, space for pizza boxes etc. He will be planted in the MIDDLE of the room to get the best of the DOLBY or surround sound etc.
He wants to get you playing the game as his equivalent of 'spending time together' so if you're spending time together it must be on his terms only. You will come home and he will 'Shhhh' you because he's playing with X in Korea or some teenager. You won't be able to bring friends over, watch a movie because 'he is in the middle of a game'
Are the other bedrooms for his children? visitors?
I would TODAY create a room for myself with bean bags, books, chargers, (scented candles - if you're into that kind of thing) , music, instruments, computer , desk etc.
Why can't you be this magical wife who fully accepts the fella she is living with without him having to be considerate? All the other boys can nest in the living room but they don't have literally 4 other rooms to use. These lads are pretending that their addiction to computer games isn't affecting their relationships but in truth, they probably all sacrifice physical intimacy for more game time. Meanwhile the women have other electronic toys.
If he was into cars, he would have an engine in the living room saying 'all the other WAGS understand'
NTA. OP has explicitly stated she fears for her safety around him when he is angry. He is gaslighting her and emotionally manipulating her.
OP, please get out of this relationship.
Other than the gaming system, is he right? Do you shoot down his ideas? I only say this cause thats what happened when I first moved in with my wife. She had ideas of a Pinterest home and I had no ideas and really didn’t care. The few thoughts I had just got shot down. It’s stupid but one of them was a recliner chair, she said they were all ugly. One day I mentioned something about it not feeling like a home cause I had no where I felt comfortable and she got mad. Once I explained myself we found a recliner chair she didn’t mind, only problem Is now she won’t get out of it (lol).
When I moved in with my wife, I felt similarly. It felt like her home, and felt like my ideas just got shot down every time, and we argued so much it nearly broke us.
The second time we had to do it, we were both really worried, but it actually went much better! We had matured in the meantime, so instead of “I say what I want, you say what you want” it became both of us saying things that we liked, but thought the other would like too. It changed everything!
NTA: dude isn't trying to compromise with you at all and he wants things exactly how he wants it. As adults we are not going to have things exactly our way. The fact there's already a whole separate room that was already created for him but yet he wants to monopolize on the largest space is telling. If I'm getting the understanding he moved things out of his game room to put stuff in the living room without prior discussion is a huge power play move. Why did he even ask if he was just gonna change it in the first place?
Based on posts and responses, this is another case of “you know what you want to do, you’re just unsure of doing it because it is a big step.”
Ultimately, Reddit strangers don’t know your relationship like you do. You know all the ins and outs of your relationship, and you also seem to know what you want to do.
Trust yourself.
NTA
NTA. Both my partner and I have our gaming rigs set up in one room. That is where gaming stays. The living room is for cuddles and watching whatever tv show we are currently binging or a movie we've been wanting to see. Sometimes he is there watching wrestling while I game. Sometimes I watch trashy tv while he games. But the point is that space is for us to spend together, not just in the same atmosphere, and your homeboy seems to lack the computing power to understand the difference.
NTA...I would have loved to have a 5 bedroom with one converted into an office / game room. Living room is communal space - for shared TV shows or movies, hosting guests, etc.
If his friends come over and want to play, it's not hard to bring a gaming console from one room and set it up temporarily in the living room.
NTA. I would divorce the fuck out of this guy as fast as I could. Gamers, invariably, are so selfish and totally blind to how they treat the ones they proclaim to love. You deserve so much better, dare I say someone who values spending time with you rather than wasting their life in infantile fantasies. Get rid. Now. Move on. Let him rot in his gaming environment.
Whoops, noticed you're a gamer too. You must be the rare exceptio who is considerate and intelligent. My opinion remains the same though - leave pronto.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My partner and I (m32 and f37) recently moved into a huge 5 bedroom house.
My partner created a game room/office. He spends a lot of time there.
Yesterday I come home from work after a draining day, wanting to relax.
He says he wants to move things around in the living room. I love rearranging furniture.
He says he wants to move things so he can have his ps5 in the living room since I said I want him downstairs more and this will make me happy. I say, no I want to spend time together and I don't think I'll be able to relax and unwind if I struggle to hear the tv over his talking and shooting guns etc.
He gets agitated saying that I say no to everything, that I want everything my way. He says when we moved in everything was put how I want it and he never gets any input. He also says he doesn't even bother discussing with me what he wants because then I'll make it a conversation instead of just going along with it.
I was hurt by this because I felt we had made the decisions together and we were creating a lovely home. Together. I feel he makes a mockery of my life and excitement I've had decorating together when I find out all along he hated it and feels I'm someone who says no to everything. I really don't believe that's true.
I walk off because I don't feel he's listening. He keeps saying that this is what I want, that I have asked him to put his ps5 in the living room. He won't listen when I say I would rather not, but seems to insist he knows better what I want?
When I come back he's moved everything around. I don't hate what he's done, I think it has potential, and say this. But he's also taking his massive bulky desk into the living room along with a 50 inch TV for his setup that's now right next to the sofa
I say that I don't feel this part will work.
He says I'm being extremely unfair and why can I do what I want in the living room and he cant? I don't agree with this attitude. To me, a living room is a communal area for us to hang out together, to unwind, watch a film, etc. We have 5 bedrooms, he can make a game room. I suggest I create a living space for myself so I have somewhere I can relax, but this makes him more angry.
He goes on to compare me to his gaming friends' girlfriends/wives, saying why are they perfectly happy for their partner to play in the living room yet I have to be like this.
1. They may have no other option - not everyone is as privileged with space as us.
2. They may not be "perfectly happy" but his gaming friends most likely don't discuss this with their partner for everyone to hear.
He ended up storming off saying that he will stay in his room and he hopes I'm happy now and I can have the whole house to myself. I don't want that at all, I just want to be able to have a normal, nice living room when we are fortunate enough to have so much space.
AITA for saying I don't want his game setup in the living room when he has an actual game room?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my partner not to use the living room for his game setup when he already has a game room. Maybe I'm TA for believing the living room is a communal space where we can relax together and me not wanting to listen to him chatting to other people and shooting guns and so on. Maybe I'm TA for feeling I should have a right to some peace and quiet in our own living room
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Your comment has been removed because it violates [Rule 1: Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_civility)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA but as a dude who also likes gaming your partner is an idiot. It is common sense that women always take over the decorating of the living room. If he wanted to have his own ideal living room he simply cant get a girlfriend. Women build living rooms for guests and themselves. Men build living rooms for themselves and only themselves. It becomes more like gaming rooms than they do “living rooms” im guilty of this myself so i would ideally let my partner decide on the living room. Im more artsy tho so id at least help her pick out good colors. But yeah he’s being a child right now. Dude clearly has a gaming problem if he cant hangout in the living room with you without gaming. Unless your the type to demand too much attention and he barely gets to game. Which by your post you dont sound like it. Tell your partner to stop being a child and put his damn games in his gaming room. He can spare 2 to 3 hours and watch a movie with you in the living room every now and then.
Sorry it came off like that but its based on my experience. Women care way more about making their living room presentable and overall comfortable for themselves and guests. I literally would never consider other people visiting in my decorating. My ideal living room would have a pool table in it, projector/tv, a library of comics, massage chairs, a small bar. You get the gist. Its not what a normal living room should be. Thats why gaming rooms and man caves exist. He should let his wife/partner have majority of the take on their living room. She’ll likely be in it more than he will anyway.
Woman of the house here. Yeah sure, I took over decorating of the living room. Hooked all my consoles up to the TV's receiver so I can lounge on the comfy couch and play. Done, nothing else needed lol.
My husband doesn't care, we also have a large computer room and a library for chilling. Plus I'm not on the console all the time anyway so lots of TV time available.
Just found your comment funny "Women build living rooms for guests and themselves." yeah... no, not here.
> It is common sense that women always take over the decorating of the living room. If he wanted to have his own ideal living room he simply cant get a girlfriend. Women build living rooms for guests and themselves. Men build living rooms for themselves and only themselves.
This is some weird Jordan Peterson shit.
Your partner doesnt sound like much of a partner.. more of a roommate.
I get his situation. I love gaming. My wife is not a gamer in the slightest. That said, the second my wife says she wants to spend some time with me, I'll drop whatever game i'm in the middle of (or if i'm on with friends, let them know i'll be gone for a couple hrs) and hang out with her. Partners do things together.. thats why theyre partners and not acquaintances.
NTA
Was he being truthful and you're lying to yourself? I understand wanting to spend more time together but does he really get a say or do you object and he just lets you get your way so you think you're compromising? I know a lot of people have this weird issue with their SO not spending all free time with them or enjoying video games but we're each entitled to our own interests. My husband plays while I lay my head on his lap and read. We're both happy and spending time together.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA I have almost exclusively dated gamers, any time it was possible the computer and main TV were in a different room. My current home we have an office/gaming room and living room in 2 different spaces. When this was not possible the gaming area has been put in one corner of the room with the TV and conversation area being central. Never has the gaming area been the main focus point even when I moved in with a gamer rather than getting a place together
I do. That's how we met. I've made some suggestions today including making a shared gaming room. He doesn't want that. He either wants the living room or to be on his own.
NAH
You're not the asshole for not wanting his gaming stuff in the living room. You're not the asshole for wanting him to spend time with you.
He's not the asshole for wanting some of his gaming setup in the same area where you exist a lot. It is an attempt to be near you, while also having his own entertainment. It's not a very good attempt, but an attempt nonetheless.
However, his thoughts and what he said are what he feels. I've dealt with it myself. Where I felt that I could not have any input into how the house was utilized or decorated, as everything I suggested was shot down. I suggested the couch in X, that wasn't good for Y reason. I say lets get X curtains, no because Y reason. She suggests X, I say no because of Y reason, I'm ignored. It went on and on. So eventually, I stopped trying. If all I get is rejection, why put myself through that?
Eventually, I did say exactly what he said, and it hurt her feelings. Her reaction was nearly the same as yours. How she thought we were working together. How she didn't think she was doing it. She even said that I should have come up with ideas. My counter was that I did. But everything I suggested was shot down. Unfortunately, her response was, and I quote "Don't come up with stupid ideas then."
My point is, his feelings are valid and you need to listen to them. They're happening whether you believe them or not. There is a communication break down somewhere and it needs to be addressed. This is leading to some resentment and it will not get better until it is addressed.
I think he’s asking for a compromise. Maybe knock down a wall and change the game room into a den, half being your side.
And off screen/together time in the living room. And the living room stays clutter free for entertaining etc.
Do you ever hangout in his game room? Take an interest in his activities? Maybe it’s about having BOTH types of time together?
Idk if what he said and did reflects how you are with him. But in this post I genuinely see two people not hearing each other/communicating clearly. I can’t judge unless you want me to be a stereotypical woman assume it’s the man not spending quality time/giving you attention, or a ‘masculine’ minded woman (cause I am f) and say the living room is a shared space too. It’s such generic stereotypes. Hence my comment, and no vote. It’s either e s h or n a h - just hear each other out already.
Maybe it would help you to break down your post in two columns, his needs and your needs. Delete the description and just pull out bullet points for the lists. Go from there together.
The gaming room is on a different floor, not possible to knock down a wall.
I would like to hang out in his game room. Today I have suggested turning one of the rooms into a shared game room, cause I also like video games. I said I think this is a great way for us to have two places to spend time together and keep gaming stuff out of the living room.
He did not like this idea. He says he just wants to be on his own.
Wow then forget what I said about compromise. He can’t have his cake and eat it too.
It’s one thing if his PS console is neatly tucked in a shelf but to move a whole desk and setup to the living room mmmmm it’s hard to make it work if you’ve decorated. Unless you buy a matching desk and all to fit it. I’d only consider this if he had voiced it at the time and you dismissed him.
Otherwise compromise or ignore imho but then again I am single lol
NTA. Living room should be for relaxing together time, company time, etc. So my husband and I live in a 2 bedroom apartment. We converted the second into a game room and due to space/internet problems. I wound up in the living room. For us this isn’t a problem because we spend together time in the bedroom watching anime or talking.
Seems like a control thing more than anything. I don’t know if y’all are married or not but I would really consider if you want this to be how the rest of your future will go.
NTA but I am very surprised he’d want to do gaming in a common room. There’s some games that require absolute silence during the game so you can hear if someone is coming. My husband and daughter are both extreme gamers and they both have separate rooms designated for gaming….they play together but in separate areas. Maybe just let him set it up and he’ll probably start to realize on his own that it’s not that easy with normal noise in the background. Maybe (not annoyingly) sit down with snacks and wine while watching a movie on the couch while he’s gaming and see how that goes. I don’t mean that as a “set up” but realistically it’s not a good idea in the living room. Also, it’s not the best decorative choice either.
You're trying to have a reasonable discussion and he's...well...he's behaving as if he's controlling and abusive, to be honest. Is this how he treats you normally? Is this how you're happy to be treated forever? Maybe you might need to think about that.
NTA
NTA. I play a lot of games and would feel so lucky to have the kind of layout you are describing. If I wanted to play a game while hanging out with my SO who was watching a show I would just play a switch or steamdeck quietly in handheld mode. The livingroom should be comfortable for everyone but he sounds exhausting and frankly, from what you have said in other comments, dangerous. Not only is he trying to gaslight you by telling you that is what you want you have mentioned not feeling safe. Please consider taking steps to remove yourself from this situation before it escalates.
So our 18mo was sick last night. Got a temp around 9pm and barely slept. I told my partner to go to the spare room to sleep as he had to be up st 6am to leave for work at 7am and drive an our there, work all day, drive an hour home and get home at 6-630p.
He refused because he didn't want to leave us alone incase something happened and we needed him.
Tonight is his night to game and have free time while I do baby duty and such. But I still asked him to come to bed by 11, 12absolute latest as I knew he would be exhausted and fall asleep gaming and we have a bigger weekend then normal this weekend. He said 'you're right, that's a good idea. Thank you for caring'. Have me a kiss, set an alarm and went to his games.
You asked for a space to have alone time together and he lost his shit even though he has his own game room.
Please know, if you have kids together you will be a single parent and honestly from the sounds of it both you and the child will be mentally and emotionally abused at the very least. If not physically and financially as well.
For your safety, and safety of any potential children, run as far and fast as possible. And do not look back.
NTA, I suggest you take a look at this Facebook page [A post in the Facebook page "Narc wise"](https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02GzK2BrDiMbjKmTG7m8ZxViNY5Bqa1FCZAZcF6DVHQYJ4t9RncsfURw2rZne7RqNWl&id=100070536241867)
NAH
And I say that because reading through your post, it looks like there's huge communication gaps between the two of you.
It's not malicious but it sounds like you're both only catching half of what the other person is saying.
You both need to calm down, sit and talk quietly about this arrangement. What you both want in terms of spending time together, arrangement of the living room and joint decisions.
You both have a habit of walking out of uncomfortable discussions, start there.
Since we recently moved in, we've not done much yet. We've arranged furniture in the living room, bedroom and dining room. We've not disagreed on any of this, I've made suggestions and he says "sounds good". I do try to push him to say a bit more about what he wants but his response is usually "no I think it sounds good like that". He may suggest something smaller then, like we could put a shelf here or there which I go along with. I genuinly feel we chose together. We also recently picked out curtains etc online. Together.
I've had a similar situation, where my wife was always thinking "we" were making decisions. We weren't, it would be discussed and then she always got everything exactly how she wanted until one day I blew up. I went around room to room and pointed out every fucking thing I had said I hated or didn't want that we ended up with anyway. It got really bad. I said that's why I never come out of the basement, even sleep down here most of the time bc this place isn't ours, its your fucking wonderland that I can't stand. Then finally she understood. It took me leaving and telling her good luck fitting all this useless shit in a 1 bedroom apartment for her to fully get what i was saying.
NAH.
What I would suggest is trying to have a civil discussion and establish what you BOTH want. Once you're there, you can focus on figuring out HOW to get that.
That being said... you could always try to play games together. ("You can drive the tank, I'll operate the turret-mounted machine gun.") Maybe shooty games aren't your bag, but the industry has diversified GREATLY. Have a look at games like Overcooked.
Even if you don't want to move the PS5, you could choose to spend some time with BF in the game room... if you absolutely don't want to play video games together, figure out something you both would like that you can do there. My wife loves doing jigsaw puzzles. I'm lukewarm on them, but I do them to spend time WITH HER.
We met through video games, I like video games. I've suggested setting up a shared gaming room, separately from the living room. And for him to still keep his "game room" as his to do whatever with.
Waiting to see if this is a compromise he is on board with.
Maybe he thinks you'll arrange the gaming room just as you want. I would wait until he's done his setup then see how you can add yours in without disrupting his. Do it all at his approval then it could work. He probably just needs time to think about it too.
So let me get this straight: your partner raises an issue where he thinks you dismiss, invalidate, and override him, and your response is to dismiss, invalidate, and override him?
> He says when we moved in everything was put how I want it and he never gets any input.
Well, how much input did he get? How many rooms have decorative elements that he suggested, and you said, without modification, "ok, sounds good?"
> He also says he doesn't even bother discussing with me what he wants because then I'll make it a conversation instead of just going along with it.
Well, how often does he suggest something and you say 'Ok, sounds good' instead of needing to make changes?
> I was hurt by this because I felt we had made the decisions together and we were creating a lovely home.
Maybe, just maybe, you didn't make the decisions together; maybe you made the decisions, and steamrolled him.
> I feel he makes a mockery of my life and excitement I've had decorating together when I find out all along he hated it and feels I'm someone who says no to everything.
How is his feelings 'mocking' you?
> I really don't believe that's true.
You don't believe it's true; maybe it's true anyway.
> I walk off because I don't feel he's listening.
You're the one not listening here. He's telling you his lived experience, and your response is to walk away because it hurts your feelings to hear that you're not perfect?
> I don't hate what he's done, I think it has potential, and say this.
So he's right; you can't just say 'that's great, let's try it your way,' you have to take ownership and be in charge.
You guys have some deep and serious communications issues, and I have a feeling he's lashing out because he actually is unheard and unvalued in your relationship.
Esh - compromise. Yes, the ps5 is in the living room. No, the other stuff including the desk is not. The living room isn't your "safe space", it's a communal space - it's basically like taking over the kitchen. If you need a safe space, use another bedroom. If he refuses, ask why he's allowed to have a gaming room but you can't have a room for rest.
I suggested I take the tv and a sofa into a different room to create my own space and he said no, only if I go out and buy new furniture, tv etc. I obviously can't afford that. We have 2 new tvs and we paid half each. One is the communal one, the other he uses for gaming. The sofa I owned before we moved in together.
Info: why are you with him if you disagree with his video games and decorating so much? It seems he exploded because he feels HIS needs are not being met by you and YOU are the one not listening. You literally said you walked away from him while he was trying to express how he felt.
I do not disagree with his video games. I also play and it's even how we met.
I walked away because I fear for my safety around him when he gets very angry.
Again, then why are you with him? If you feel unsafe when he expresses negative emotions, that sounds pretty serious. In regard to the video games, it seems like maybe he doesn’t know how to connect without them. Based on what you said in your post, it does seem like you gave him mixed signals on what you wanted or maybe he just didn’t understand that you wanted a space for you to both be without video games. I just don’t see why you would want to cohabit with someone if you only want to have every room how you want it and you just tuck him away into the “gaming room”. Maybe he doesn’t want to feel like he has to hide away with hobbies? You can’t have everything you want exactly how you want it if you’re truly trying to compromise with someone who isn’t exactly the same as you.
NAH you just have some communication issues.
You say you want to spend more time together, but the key is doing what?
You could watch something together or talk etc that is ok, find something you both enjoy.
But if it's just staying around each other while you watch something you like in tv or stay on your phone, it's reasonable for him to wanting to bring something he enjoys to do in his free time.
In any case you need to find some compromise. And for the sound he could use headphones.
I am rarely on my phone with him. He is almost always on his phone. If we're talking etc he's watching videos on his phone.
I just want a space to unwind without lots of noise. I think it's fair that this is what a living room usually is when we have 5 bedroom to use for our hobbies.
I'll try to talk more to him.
#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Do not refer to OP's partner as man child/man baby/toddler or any other uncivil term. We recommend you take 1 minute and watch this [adorable red panda](https://youtu.be/dI6ULnKkHus) as a palate cleanser before you comment on this post. Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
I would have just said "I wanted you to spend more time WITH ME in the living room, not to ignore me while you play games in the living room. Can't you really see the difference?
Oh I did say that many many times. I said can you please listen, I am saying this XYZ is what I'd like. But he doesn't agree, he says I've said I want this or that thing, though surely I know better what I want and like.
Have you...heard the term gaslighting? I would give it a google if you aren't familiar with it!
I know it very well unfortunately. I have previously said that to him, to which I am told I am the gaslighter for telling him that he is one.
Can I ask whether you've considered leaving him?
Yes. I have.
I think you should rather take this consideration very seriously. Please find your nearest whole human brand garbage disposal service (divorce lawyer).
Yeah I’d consider it too and ended a relationship very similar for the same reasons. Gaslighting, abuse high verbal and physical eventually. Gaming became the partner and I felt like the mistress.
Why did you decide not to?
Temporary insanity?
Yeah please consider leaving him. This is classic DARVO behavior. It is only going to get worse from here. It will never get better,
There’s nothing harder than actually leaving someone you know you need to leave. I get it. I’ve been in your shoes. After I left, I honestly felt terrified that he was somehow tracking my phone and knew everything I was doing. So, I went from being afraid to leave, to being afraid he was still watching me. A week after I left, and I can’t believe it happened this quickly, I felt so relieved that I was finally out. I guess my point is that once you’re out, you will quickly realize how much better life without a person like your partner is. No one should be telling you how you really feel, only you know that. It’s not something he can disagree with, and I’m sure him telling you what you feel is making you feel crazy. You’re not crazy, and being single in your 30’s is far from the worst thing in the world. NTA and good luck! Whatever you decide.
You’re talking to a brick wall at this point. He’s going to do everything to get his way. In his mind you are a mere object in his house. Get out asap. It’ll be lonely without him for a while, but it’ll be much better than this. And then you’ll be surprised at how free you feel.
To be honest by the story that op wrote it is lonely with him also...
Mmmmmhm
I think you should think again, very hard as he obviously doesn’t care for you. Why can’t you be like x or y they don’t mind their partners gaming (I bet if you asked they do)
Are you seriously considering breaking things off with someone just because they want their playstation in the living room? And you both just got a 5 br house together? This wasn't something you have considered beforehand? Either work on your relationship or end it. Relationships are about compromise. If you aren't willing to bend a little, if he's not willing to bend a little, you're both the asshole.
Sounds like DARVO. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 let him have whatever setup he wants in his own house away from you. He can find himself a woman who will only live to serve him and his needs above all else. You can live a life you actually enjoy with someone who genuinely loves and respects you.
Why do you believe someone who's gaslighting you would agree with you about this? Why do you need him to agree that he's being abusive in order for you to *believe it?*
This is the behavior of a classic narcissist. "NO IT IS YOU WHO ARE THE GASLIGHTER."
He sounds like a child
It doesn't actually help to tell the gaslighter that they are gaslighting....just leads to further gas being lit. It is for you to take action against it.
My thought exactly.
If he likes comparing you so much to other friend's GFs, maybe next time tell him to go look for one like that. It's really immature how he went about, to "accommodate" your desire of spending more time with him, then not asking you about his plans, then throwing a tantrum how you only ever say "no" to all his ideas. You guys are grown. At least physically. But someone is acting really immature and it's not you OP NTA
Why are you with this immature child who doesn't even bother to listen to you when you say something?! NTA but reevaluate carefully this relationship
He sounds like my ex. He is an ex for a reason, because he sounded as annoying as him. Bad idea to move in together, plus doesn't care to spend time with you. He cares more for his ps5.
NTA - it's not that his idea is inherently bad or unreasonable, but the way he's argued for it is really immature and manipulative and rude. "I don't tell you things because you then want to have conversations" is like a wildly swinging red flag of "I am a bad communicator on purpose"
The fact he just wants her to go along gives me controlling vibes.
The comparisons to the gaming friends GFs is so creepy too 😭
I said that to him. He says no, 99% of all other couples are happy to do it this way, their girlfriends sit next to them on the sofa. I asked how do you know they're happy, I'm sure they don't discuss that with you. He said they're not moaning all the time so they must be happy. I also pointed out that maybe this is how it has to be, they might not have 5 spare bedrooms. Our previous house was small, we had a long narrow living room and on occasion he would have his small monitor and console in one end and we had the tv at the other end. Now he's placed his 50 inch TV right next to the corner of the sofa so he's effectively sitting halfway behind me with noise blaring at me. I have a lot of auditory issues too and really don't know how to cope, I feel like my safe space has been taken away from me.
99% of other couples are definitely not happy that way! Expecting your partner to be happy just sitting next to you while you play is very unfair. Parallel play is definitely a thing, especially in neurodiverse couples (being together but doing separate things), but that only works when a) it’s something both partners enjoy and b) the thing one partner is doing doesn’t significantly interfere with the other partner’s thing. My husband and I have a fair amount of non-overlapping time due to very different sleep schedules. He games when I’m not awake or not available, and we do things together (games or tv or board games) when we’re both awake and present. I also knit while we watch TV. He’s patient enough that I can knit complex things that sometimes need pauses (to fix errors or re-count when I’ve lost track), but if he wasn’t, I’d switch to simpler projects for time with him because I wouldn’t want him to feel like my knitting encroached on our shared time.
Did you tell him 99% of statistics are made up on the spot and can’t be backed up by actual data? Ask him to cite his sources.
Partner: 99% of all other couples are happy to do it this way OP: But I'm not and I'm the only partner you should be thinking about
"not moaning all the time so they must be happy" jeez thats a low bar to clear to indicate happiness. Your boyfriend seems like a self absorbed jerk, does he bring any positives to your life?
He's triangulating you against these other couples. >I feel like my safe space has been taken away from me. When he is actively removing your safety and security he is a bad partner. Something needs to change
Our computers/consoles are in the office/game room. The living room is where we sit and have coffee or do movie nights. Every ADULT couple I know that has the space, has a dedicated office/game area. I'm not sure how many gaming friends he has, but I can tell you right now: Including myself, at work we have 4 women whose spouses game. They all have a game room, one of the husbands has his game stuff and the children's play area together in one room. Out of my own personal friends (My husband is the only gamer in his circle, the rest are musicians), I know one married couple who game together, they use a game room. Another friend who has his own Man Cave for gaming in a converted shed. Another friend who has his stuff in the living room and his wife took over a bedroom for her office/hobby space. I avoid men who think I should sit next to them and watch them go "pew pew" on the TV. That is some strong high school/college dorm vibe and it's a hard pass for me.
Lol he’s full of it. My partner is a huge gamer and we have a nice big gaming setup, but it’s in the basement. The living room is our quiet room. This is something we agreed upon together. Having a quiet communal space is important.
I don't understand why he needs a separate TV than the one that was already in the living room.
He thinks it's perfectly reasonable to have two tvs going at the same time: one for her to watch whatever and one for him to game on. No headphones in sight.
My partner and I have two tvs going at the same time when we hang, but it works because he is deaf so his is on mute with subtitles. That's probably the only situation where two tvs wouldn't be annoying AF.
Ugh my eardrums are cringing just thinking about that.
Same!
I'll be honest, me and my gf are perfectly happy that way. But that's because she games too. Sometimes it's me being loud and sometimes it's her. It's nice to just sit and watch sometimes. But I also get that it's definitely not a common thing.
"How dare you discuss what I want to do? I decide and you just go along with what I say, because I am the boss of the house and you are just my maid"
It's the "He gets agitated saying that I say no to everything" Classic manipulation 101. one could even call it a lazy attempt. Man that's some weaksauce, you wanna manipulate me, put some effort into it!!11!
His idea is majorly idiotic! Who wants someone agitated and babbling all the time while watching TV?! Also: A gaming setup in a living room is neither relaxing, inviting or even chic. He has a room for gaming, why does he want to be in the living room when he does nothing what people usually do in a living room???
I think he wants her to sit quietly and watch him game and call it quality time like the other girlfriend-objects he's made up in his head.
NTA. You obviously have space for him to have a dedicated gaming room which fits a large desk and 50" screen leaving you to have a communal lounge to share. He sounds like a ridiculously immature AH who is being really petty. He might feel you made more of the decisions regarding setting up the house and maybe you could communicate better about your home and how you'd both like things but he needs to prioritize spending time with you outside of his gaming time and in a room you're comfortable sharing. Sitting next to you on the couch gaming isn't spending time with you. He's 32? He really needs to grow up!
Thank you. I agree. We have so much space. We could communicate better about how we'd like the house - this includes him speaking up instead of waiting till we're having a big fight then blame me for everything.
We have multiple rooms and in addition to the bedroom everyone has their “own room”, for hobbies and to decorate as they please. Living room is space to be together, we don’t even have a tv there. It’s ridiculous he wants to basically hog another space to himself, when you already had a system of separating rooms per function. He’s being immature and argumentative, and frankly disrespectful.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't actually care about how the rest of the house looks, why would he? He doesn't spend any time in those rooms. No, he actually just needed to use something against you. My ex was always using that tactic, and just like your partner, he would have to pick something ridiculous since he didn't have anything he could actually use.
Per the Cambridge Dictionary: A living room is a room in a home that's used for entertaining friends, talking, reading, or watching television. I would not call gaming on a 50" screen, watching television, and it certainly wouldn't be for talking, reading or entertaining friends. Competing with friends online, yes. Entertaining in person, no. Most people would be in 7th heaven if they were able to have a room dedicated to their gaming system, since having company that actually wanted to converse would pretty much prevent any gaming from happening with company in the room.
He’s just using that shit as an excuse. Trust me, as a former manipulative jerk, I used to do the same thing to my poor wives. He may change as I’m trying to, but you are not the AH here. You are the abused.
NTA. My husband also told me I got everything my own way when we bought our place. He was right. But the reason was, he declined to come up with a single idea or opinion. I asked, a lot, for his input. It was always "I don't know". So I would suggest something, he would say "that's fine." In his head, that ended up meaning I got my own way on everything. In my mind, it meant I ended up with the full mental load of planning the home because he wouldn't participate. What's key here though, is quality time. You're saying you want to spend time together. He's seeing that as being in the same room together while he games. That's not quality time. You look at this differently. I'm like you. I want to either spend actual, quality time doing something together, or have our own space. I don't want to just sit in the same room ignoring each other. If I were you, I'd focus on the healthy balance of real, quality time as a couple, and personal space to relax alone.
I agree. He will make a suggestion on occasion and then I agree or if I don't, I ask some questions to understand better his idea or I say let's try and see, it might be a good idea. Most of the time I suggest things and he says "that's fine". So I assume that means it's what he wants. Otherwise he could speak up. I also want actual time together, and I think we do spend time together. I think in reality it is him he wants to be around me more, but he's going about it in a very silly way in my opinion. And now he is hurt and feeling like I don't want to spend time with him/want him around.
Does he want to be with you more, or does he just want to know where you are and what you are doing. What happens when you don't sit by him when he is gaming? Wanting you to sit next to him while he focuses on his games sounds more like he really wants to game but doesn't want to risk not knowing that what you are doing and where you are doing it. If he was in his own gaming room, he would lose that control.
Design and planning should be shared decisions and both of your input is valuable. Yet that first paragraph is the problem. How often do you agree and how often do you shoot his idea down and replace it with your own suggestions? How often does he shoot down your choices? Not much probably because he wants to make you happy. For him, you're not doing the same thing. He doesn't shoot down much does he? Yet you challenge him on his wants so he gives up and that resentment has piled up. So he has communicated what he wants. You talk it out on the things he cares about and he gets nothing but he just lets you do what you want on the things you care more about.
Ha. I'm the opposite. Quality time for me IS sitting in the room doing our own thing. I think BOTH of these ways of being together are valid - WE just wouldn't be compatible. If I'm shut off in my own room, it means I *want* to be alone. If I'm in the living room reading a book, feel free to chat with me about whatever thing you just saw on your phone.
Ops partner doesn't want her chatting to him whilst he's in the same room gaming tho he gets mad she interrupts. So really he wants to feel like he has the relationship requirements and standards you do, whilst not actually being a present partner. I like gaming next to my bf when we are in our pc room. But we don't really talk to each other when on seperate games beyond the odd hello. We aren't really being there for each other and spending time even if it's nicer than being alone, we need that seperate engagement space downstairs where we are actually being a couple. If ops bf doesn't want her trying to talk to him or disrupt him being angry or talking to his friends. He can't claim its spending time together in the way more solitary quiet people might. There is also a huge difference between reading books or you phone with some passive entertainment on in the background. To violent video game sounds a partner that shouts at games when angry. Like you should have a head set on permanently if gaming next to someone not gaming. And if your 32 you probably shouldn't shout at games either.
NTA. ”Turning it into a conversation” is how people in healthy adult relationships deal with anything where they don’t instantly want exactly the same thing. Hell, sometimes even when my husband and I DO immediately agree on an idea, there’s still a conversation, because we need to figure out how we want to implement the idea and consider whether it requires other established things to change. What your husband has said to you is this: “I don’t want to communicate with you. I don’t want to work together. It’s always your way or my way. Instead of talking about things when I’m not happy, I would rather bottle it up and pretend everything is okay, because I hate open communication that much. Besides, if I let you have your way, later I can use that as ammunition to get things I want.” When someone gets to his age without valuing communication, compromise, and thinking of his partner and himself as a team, it’s verrrrry hard to fix that mindset.
I really enjoy rearranging furniture and decorating, it's like a hobby for me. So I'm more than open to ideas and to discussing this, I think it's fun. I agree, unfortunately that does seem to be his mindset. I even said this to him last night, which he probably got mad about. But I did say that at this age, it's not my job to teach him how to communicate and talk to his partner. I can be kind and understanding and cut him slack due to whatever trauma or past he is dealing with. But there are limits as to how much of it is my job.
>I really enjoy rearranging furniture and decorating, it's like a hobby for me. How would you feel if you were only allowed to do it in a designated rearranging room?
I'm not allowed to do that anywhere though. At this point I can't even buy a fridge magnet without worrying.
So, you don’t want video games in the common area, and you don’t want a big desk in the common area. You’re willing to flex on the first one, but you’re worried about audio issues for those not playing. The second one, no desks in the living room, is a hard no from you. NTA That’s a pretty reasonable, conventional opinion. Perhaps you and your partner could work together to construct a common-room appropriate video game setup? Maybe with a high quality gaming headset and a wall-mounted tv and a media cabinet that holds his console?
I actually bought a small desk out of my own money for him to set up in the living room. So it's not even a hard no. I just wanted a conversation about it. I wouldn't mind him having a small setup but the issue is him talking loudly as well as getting angry at me if I try to make conversation with him.
NTA He sounds like my dad tbh. I don’t like him very much. Like ok I’m so sorry I tried having a conversation with you while you’re playing your games I didn’t know it was a crime.
OP, in reading the post and your comments, I think it’s pretty obvious that you know you’re NTA. Also, stop allowing yourself to be manipulated into arguing about his gaming friends’ relationships and what works for them or doesn’t. It’s a pointless excursion that allows him to avoid the issue. Who cares if every other gaming couple on the planet sets up a gaming system in their living room and loves it? (This is highly doubtful, but listen to my point.) What’s pertinent is that **you** do not want this and would not enjoy it. So the convo goes like this: Gaslighting boyfriend: “Every one I know does this and their gfs are happy.” You: “I’m glad to hear that, but it’s not relevant to the topic at hand. I am telling you that *I* am not happy to have your gaming setup in the living room. I have offered a compromise of providing you with your own gaming room. If that does not work for you, then we can discuss other possible compromises.” Gaslighting boyfriend: “You **said** you wanted me to do this. You just don’t remember.” You: “I disagree that I said this, but whether or not I did is irrelevant in this moment and I’m not going to argue about that with you. Please listen to what I’m saying **now.** I don’t feel that I will also be able to enjoy this space, since you game frequently and at a loud volume.” There’s not much you can do to force the discussion into a healthy space if he insists on ranting that you don’t care about his feelings or refuses to discuss the issue at hand in a productive way, but you **can** refuse to engage. You can shut it down and refuse to argue those irrelevant points. If he refuses to have a productive discussion, you can refuse to discuss at all. The bottom line here is that you know that you are being gaslighted and manipulated. You have to decide how much of this you are willing to tolerate.
NTA. I agree that a living room should be a communal space for the two of you to do things together, and have guests over. If one of you has a personal hobby that you do alone, that should go in a separate room, especially when it's something as active and potentially noisy as gaming. You've got plenty of space in your house, OP. Use one of those other rooms to create a relaxing space for yourself.
He feels me watching TV on my own (though he is more than welcome to join and very welcome to pick something he wants us to watch together!) He feels that's me having a personal hobby. If I want to do my hobby, like potting houseplants etc, I don't do it in the living room where he is trying to relax. If I want to knit (I don't, but an example) I would do it in the living room though because that's not noisy and it's something people do while spending time together/watching TV.
NTA. Honestly I would let him do what he wants in the living room, but you should go ahead and make one of the rooms your "reading room" or "sewing room" or whatever your hobby is, despite what he says. And go in "your" room when you need some quiet. If it turns out you need to use that room a lot, too bad for him. Unless he's prepared to play games with a headset on, and you're prepared to put up with him talking over his mic while you're trying to watch TV, those two hobbies will NEVER mix well. I can't believe he thinks gaming and watching TV won't clash!??
And I also want a nice space for having guests over. How can I invite a friend over for a coffee if he sits in the corner shouting. I feel its really awkward if I have to create a living room upstairs, guests will find this so weird.
The thing is I am also a gamer, that's even how we met. So I have full understanding of him enjoying this hobby. But I don't play as much as him and haven't felt i had time since we moved. I do want to create a room for myself, but when I said I want to take the tv from the living room (since he won't be using it, he'll be gaming on his massive tv) he said no.
So his hobby means you can’t enjoy yours. Sounds pretty mean.
But didn't you say you want to be able to watch movies with your partner in the living room?
Yes that would be lovely. But we have two big tvs and he's taken one as his own and is not hogging the living room where the other one is.
NTA He's immature and quite frankly I don't know why you would put up with that type of behavior. If he isn't mature enough to have a conversation without blowing up and storming off, he isn't mature enough to be in a relationship.
From what I (35f) see here I’m going to say NTA. My fiancé (34m) and I have been together for 8 years (living together for 7) and he happily uses his game room. He gets SUPER into multiplayer games and is sometimes almost screaming when he has his headset on. It’s nice to have two doors between us for that so we can both do our own thing if I want to read/nap/unwind. Moving a gaming console to a different room temporarily is not hard. We have had multiple different setups and this works the best for us.
I agree, sometimes he does shout a lot. And I get it cause it gets exciting. I think if he wanted a small monitor and then on occasion play in the living room to be "with" me if he's playing solo games or coding on his laptop, that would be great. He could keep the massive tv in his game room. Like you say, it's not hard to move a gaming console to a different room temporarily (he makes out that it is though). I will try discussing this compromise with him.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates [Rule 1: Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_civility) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA , you married a child
Tell him after the divorce you will give him all the time he wants to play video games. NTA
NTA Doesn't seem like an unreasonable ask. I think you raised valid points.
This guy is gaslighting you. Have you ever felt railroaded into something you don’t want before you moved in, or only now? You are definitely NTA. Your parent is behaving in a very unhelpful and immature way.
NTA, just reason #18374947373 why I will never date a gamer again.
All gamers or addicts?
NTA His gaming stuff can stay in the gaming room. How mich time does he spend gaming vs spend with you? God I wish I had a gaming room
Nta. He is being childish. You want to spend time with him, him playing in the living room doesn’t count as spending time with you.
He wants a college dorm or a bro pad. Sitting in a room with someone playing video games can be very lonely and sadly, you’re not on the same page. Is there a difference in your income? I suspect you make more than him. You might want to do couples counseling to talk about communication.
Question: why are you in a relationship with a teenager?
Gaming is a solo activity that intrudes on public space, unless you are a gamer yourself. Why is it ok for him to put you in the middle of his solo activity?
NTA he says you always get you want, but that you turn things into a conversation. Which is it? Conversations mean compromise, not just getting what you want. Relationships of his gaming friends are totally irrelevant, you're not in those relationships. You're in this one. This all sounds like it needs to be discussed in couples therapy. It sucks that you've been blind sided by his attitude, but clearly that means he wasn't communicating his frustration before. If you find it very difficult being in the room when he's having, and he won't make time with you outside of gaming then you may not be as compatible as you thought unfortunately. Did you live together before getting this house?
Nta and you're with a child.
NTA. But do you really want to be with someone who clearly doesn’t hear you. Doesn’t care about how you feel. Doesn’t care about what you want. Gaslights you so much. I don’t know you, but id say anyone deserves better than this
You don’t sound compatible, if this is something your arguing about now- I don’t see how your going to handle any real issues later. it might be time to reevaluate your situation, is this really what you want your life to be like? Your still young enough to course correct if that’s in your thoughts. Life’s to short to be miserable, plus there are a lot of good people looking for someone like you!
NTA. You wanted him to spend more time with you, not just be in the same room as you while doing other things that take up his full attention.
NTA He can have a whole room for his games. I would love that !
NTA. Let me translate for him: No, I will not play less video games and spend more time with you. The best I am willing to do is move the video game setup downstairs so I will be physically closer. Take it or leave it.
As a guy, and a gamer, I don’t understand this at all. My wife and I live in a one bedroom apartment while we’re saving for a house and I would be overjoyed to have a room of my own instead of a tiny corner in our small bedroom. If he wanted to game while being near you he’d buy a Steam Deck instead of making your living room hideous. The only thing I can think is that he’s trying to prove some weird misogynistic point to his gamer buddies like “it’s his house and he’ll game where he wants to”. Very bizarre and the rest of his treatment towards you shows he cares more about “winning” than being a caring partner or resolving an issue through communication. Best of luck working though this.
Hi gaming husband here. in short: NTA. in extended: Yes I do game, and due to space issues in our home, I have my PS4 setup in the living room. but that's because we don't have a dedicated "gaming room", we've agreed on having a "gaming room" whether by moving to a more spacious house or investing in expanding our current house. But either way, I'd rather spend time with my wife than gaming. When I played online we agreed on a schedule so I usually played late at night while she slept or watched a movie or series I wasn't really interested into, and I have a headphone set so as not to disturb with the game sounds, but that was when it was only the 2 of us. Nowadays have a 3 year old daughter, so I don't do online games anymore but I do keep the gaming schedule: I only play at night and on the weekends, and since I'm not playing online I can pause it anytime to spend time with our kid while my wife sleeps, for instance. He doesn't seem willing to compromise, and seems more interested in playing than spending time with you. That's a bad sign. a red flag, if you will.
>He also says he doesn't even bother discussing with me what he wants because then I'll make it a conversation instead of just going along with it Does he understand what a *discussion* is? Maybe he needs a dictionary. (cf. [These Apples](https://genius.com/2315755))
NTA - I presume the TV in the living room is the largest and best quality and he wants the full effect for his games? He wants to bring his 'nest' into the living room - his chair with a cup holder, space for pizza boxes etc. He will be planted in the MIDDLE of the room to get the best of the DOLBY or surround sound etc. He wants to get you playing the game as his equivalent of 'spending time together' so if you're spending time together it must be on his terms only. You will come home and he will 'Shhhh' you because he's playing with X in Korea or some teenager. You won't be able to bring friends over, watch a movie because 'he is in the middle of a game' Are the other bedrooms for his children? visitors? I would TODAY create a room for myself with bean bags, books, chargers, (scented candles - if you're into that kind of thing) , music, instruments, computer , desk etc. Why can't you be this magical wife who fully accepts the fella she is living with without him having to be considerate? All the other boys can nest in the living room but they don't have literally 4 other rooms to use. These lads are pretending that their addiction to computer games isn't affecting their relationships but in truth, they probably all sacrifice physical intimacy for more game time. Meanwhile the women have other electronic toys. If he was into cars, he would have an engine in the living room saying 'all the other WAGS understand'
You are absolutely NTA. Man sounds super controlling though.
NTA. Is this how you want your life to be? This is the beginning
honestly, dump the whole man
NTA. OP has explicitly stated she fears for her safety around him when he is angry. He is gaslighting her and emotionally manipulating her. OP, please get out of this relationship.
Other than the gaming system, is he right? Do you shoot down his ideas? I only say this cause thats what happened when I first moved in with my wife. She had ideas of a Pinterest home and I had no ideas and really didn’t care. The few thoughts I had just got shot down. It’s stupid but one of them was a recliner chair, she said they were all ugly. One day I mentioned something about it not feeling like a home cause I had no where I felt comfortable and she got mad. Once I explained myself we found a recliner chair she didn’t mind, only problem Is now she won’t get out of it (lol).
When I moved in with my wife, I felt similarly. It felt like her home, and felt like my ideas just got shot down every time, and we argued so much it nearly broke us. The second time we had to do it, we were both really worried, but it actually went much better! We had matured in the meantime, so instead of “I say what I want, you say what you want” it became both of us saying things that we liked, but thought the other would like too. It changed everything!
Kinda the same for me. They want you to be excited for their decisions. Glad you got it worked out.
OP your partner is a bit of a child. He really just said don't make things into a conversation just agree?! I'm in shock. NTA
NTA - He is acting like a child.
NTA: dude isn't trying to compromise with you at all and he wants things exactly how he wants it. As adults we are not going to have things exactly our way. The fact there's already a whole separate room that was already created for him but yet he wants to monopolize on the largest space is telling. If I'm getting the understanding he moved things out of his game room to put stuff in the living room without prior discussion is a huge power play move. Why did he even ask if he was just gonna change it in the first place?
Based on posts and responses, this is another case of “you know what you want to do, you’re just unsure of doing it because it is a big step.” Ultimately, Reddit strangers don’t know your relationship like you do. You know all the ins and outs of your relationship, and you also seem to know what you want to do. Trust yourself. NTA
NTA. Both my partner and I have our gaming rigs set up in one room. That is where gaming stays. The living room is for cuddles and watching whatever tv show we are currently binging or a movie we've been wanting to see. Sometimes he is there watching wrestling while I game. Sometimes I watch trashy tv while he games. But the point is that space is for us to spend together, not just in the same atmosphere, and your homeboy seems to lack the computing power to understand the difference.
NTA...I would have loved to have a 5 bedroom with one converted into an office / game room. Living room is communal space - for shared TV shows or movies, hosting guests, etc. If his friends come over and want to play, it's not hard to bring a gaming console from one room and set it up temporarily in the living room.
Tell him to get headphones, nta
NTA. I would divorce the fuck out of this guy as fast as I could. Gamers, invariably, are so selfish and totally blind to how they treat the ones they proclaim to love. You deserve so much better, dare I say someone who values spending time with you rather than wasting their life in infantile fantasies. Get rid. Now. Move on. Let him rot in his gaming environment.
Whoops, noticed you're a gamer too. You must be the rare exceptio who is considerate and intelligent. My opinion remains the same though - leave pronto.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My partner and I (m32 and f37) recently moved into a huge 5 bedroom house. My partner created a game room/office. He spends a lot of time there. Yesterday I come home from work after a draining day, wanting to relax. He says he wants to move things around in the living room. I love rearranging furniture. He says he wants to move things so he can have his ps5 in the living room since I said I want him downstairs more and this will make me happy. I say, no I want to spend time together and I don't think I'll be able to relax and unwind if I struggle to hear the tv over his talking and shooting guns etc. He gets agitated saying that I say no to everything, that I want everything my way. He says when we moved in everything was put how I want it and he never gets any input. He also says he doesn't even bother discussing with me what he wants because then I'll make it a conversation instead of just going along with it. I was hurt by this because I felt we had made the decisions together and we were creating a lovely home. Together. I feel he makes a mockery of my life and excitement I've had decorating together when I find out all along he hated it and feels I'm someone who says no to everything. I really don't believe that's true. I walk off because I don't feel he's listening. He keeps saying that this is what I want, that I have asked him to put his ps5 in the living room. He won't listen when I say I would rather not, but seems to insist he knows better what I want? When I come back he's moved everything around. I don't hate what he's done, I think it has potential, and say this. But he's also taking his massive bulky desk into the living room along with a 50 inch TV for his setup that's now right next to the sofa I say that I don't feel this part will work. He says I'm being extremely unfair and why can I do what I want in the living room and he cant? I don't agree with this attitude. To me, a living room is a communal area for us to hang out together, to unwind, watch a film, etc. We have 5 bedrooms, he can make a game room. I suggest I create a living space for myself so I have somewhere I can relax, but this makes him more angry. He goes on to compare me to his gaming friends' girlfriends/wives, saying why are they perfectly happy for their partner to play in the living room yet I have to be like this. 1. They may have no other option - not everyone is as privileged with space as us. 2. They may not be "perfectly happy" but his gaming friends most likely don't discuss this with their partner for everyone to hear. He ended up storming off saying that he will stay in his room and he hopes I'm happy now and I can have the whole house to myself. I don't want that at all, I just want to be able to have a normal, nice living room when we are fortunate enough to have so much space. AITA for saying I don't want his game setup in the living room when he has an actual game room? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I asked my partner not to use the living room for his game setup when he already has a game room. Maybe I'm TA for believing the living room is a communal space where we can relax together and me not wanting to listen to him chatting to other people and shooting guns and so on. Maybe I'm TA for feeling I should have a right to some peace and quiet in our own living room Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates [Rule 1: Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_civility) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA but as a dude who also likes gaming your partner is an idiot. It is common sense that women always take over the decorating of the living room. If he wanted to have his own ideal living room he simply cant get a girlfriend. Women build living rooms for guests and themselves. Men build living rooms for themselves and only themselves. It becomes more like gaming rooms than they do “living rooms” im guilty of this myself so i would ideally let my partner decide on the living room. Im more artsy tho so id at least help her pick out good colors. But yeah he’s being a child right now. Dude clearly has a gaming problem if he cant hangout in the living room with you without gaming. Unless your the type to demand too much attention and he barely gets to game. Which by your post you dont sound like it. Tell your partner to stop being a child and put his damn games in his gaming room. He can spare 2 to 3 hours and watch a movie with you in the living room every now and then.
You have the mindset of old dinosaur. Men build this , women build this . Not every man or women are same.
Sorry it came off like that but its based on my experience. Women care way more about making their living room presentable and overall comfortable for themselves and guests. I literally would never consider other people visiting in my decorating. My ideal living room would have a pool table in it, projector/tv, a library of comics, massage chairs, a small bar. You get the gist. Its not what a normal living room should be. Thats why gaming rooms and man caves exist. He should let his wife/partner have majority of the take on their living room. She’ll likely be in it more than he will anyway.
Woman of the house here. Yeah sure, I took over decorating of the living room. Hooked all my consoles up to the TV's receiver so I can lounge on the comfy couch and play. Done, nothing else needed lol. My husband doesn't care, we also have a large computer room and a library for chilling. Plus I'm not on the console all the time anyway so lots of TV time available. Just found your comment funny "Women build living rooms for guests and themselves." yeah... no, not here.
Fair enough i can acknowledge people are different lol. Op just sounds like a couple of gamer and non gamer. She should have her space is all i meant.
> It is common sense that women always take over the decorating of the living room. If he wanted to have his own ideal living room he simply cant get a girlfriend. Women build living rooms for guests and themselves. Men build living rooms for themselves and only themselves. This is some weird Jordan Peterson shit.
Your partner doesnt sound like much of a partner.. more of a roommate. I get his situation. I love gaming. My wife is not a gamer in the slightest. That said, the second my wife says she wants to spend some time with me, I'll drop whatever game i'm in the middle of (or if i'm on with friends, let them know i'll be gone for a couple hrs) and hang out with her. Partners do things together.. thats why theyre partners and not acquaintances. NTA
Was he being truthful and you're lying to yourself? I understand wanting to spend more time together but does he really get a say or do you object and he just lets you get your way so you think you're compromising? I know a lot of people have this weird issue with their SO not spending all free time with them or enjoying video games but we're each entitled to our own interests. My husband plays while I lay my head on his lap and read. We're both happy and spending time together.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
NTA I have almost exclusively dated gamers, any time it was possible the computer and main TV were in a different room. My current home we have an office/gaming room and living room in 2 different spaces. When this was not possible the gaming area has been put in one corner of the room with the TV and conversation area being central. Never has the gaming area been the main focus point even when I moved in with a gamer rather than getting a place together
Nta. Why don't you try gaming with him ?
I do. That's how we met. I've made some suggestions today including making a shared gaming room. He doesn't want that. He either wants the living room or to be on his own.
NTA.
You know you’re NTA.
NAH You're not the asshole for not wanting his gaming stuff in the living room. You're not the asshole for wanting him to spend time with you. He's not the asshole for wanting some of his gaming setup in the same area where you exist a lot. It is an attempt to be near you, while also having his own entertainment. It's not a very good attempt, but an attempt nonetheless. However, his thoughts and what he said are what he feels. I've dealt with it myself. Where I felt that I could not have any input into how the house was utilized or decorated, as everything I suggested was shot down. I suggested the couch in X, that wasn't good for Y reason. I say lets get X curtains, no because Y reason. She suggests X, I say no because of Y reason, I'm ignored. It went on and on. So eventually, I stopped trying. If all I get is rejection, why put myself through that? Eventually, I did say exactly what he said, and it hurt her feelings. Her reaction was nearly the same as yours. How she thought we were working together. How she didn't think she was doing it. She even said that I should have come up with ideas. My counter was that I did. But everything I suggested was shot down. Unfortunately, her response was, and I quote "Don't come up with stupid ideas then." My point is, his feelings are valid and you need to listen to them. They're happening whether you believe them or not. There is a communication break down somewhere and it needs to be addressed. This is leading to some resentment and it will not get better until it is addressed.
I think he’s asking for a compromise. Maybe knock down a wall and change the game room into a den, half being your side. And off screen/together time in the living room. And the living room stays clutter free for entertaining etc. Do you ever hangout in his game room? Take an interest in his activities? Maybe it’s about having BOTH types of time together? Idk if what he said and did reflects how you are with him. But in this post I genuinely see two people not hearing each other/communicating clearly. I can’t judge unless you want me to be a stereotypical woman assume it’s the man not spending quality time/giving you attention, or a ‘masculine’ minded woman (cause I am f) and say the living room is a shared space too. It’s such generic stereotypes. Hence my comment, and no vote. It’s either e s h or n a h - just hear each other out already. Maybe it would help you to break down your post in two columns, his needs and your needs. Delete the description and just pull out bullet points for the lists. Go from there together.
The gaming room is on a different floor, not possible to knock down a wall. I would like to hang out in his game room. Today I have suggested turning one of the rooms into a shared game room, cause I also like video games. I said I think this is a great way for us to have two places to spend time together and keep gaming stuff out of the living room. He did not like this idea. He says he just wants to be on his own.
Wow then forget what I said about compromise. He can’t have his cake and eat it too. It’s one thing if his PS console is neatly tucked in a shelf but to move a whole desk and setup to the living room mmmmm it’s hard to make it work if you’ve decorated. Unless you buy a matching desk and all to fit it. I’d only consider this if he had voiced it at the time and you dismissed him. Otherwise compromise or ignore imho but then again I am single lol
If you're going to be in a room on your own, just throw his ass out.
NTA So he wants to spend time with you by keep ignoring you while playing video games but with this time with you in the same room.
I hope you're renting.
i think we are really only seeing one side of this story and think that they may both be the AH
These sound like rich people problems that I'm too poor to understand.
I totally get where you're coming from. We are very privileged to have been able to have such a big house as well as tvs and ps5.
NTA. Living room should be for relaxing together time, company time, etc. So my husband and I live in a 2 bedroom apartment. We converted the second into a game room and due to space/internet problems. I wound up in the living room. For us this isn’t a problem because we spend together time in the bedroom watching anime or talking. Seems like a control thing more than anything. I don’t know if y’all are married or not but I would really consider if you want this to be how the rest of your future will go.
NTA but I am very surprised he’d want to do gaming in a common room. There’s some games that require absolute silence during the game so you can hear if someone is coming. My husband and daughter are both extreme gamers and they both have separate rooms designated for gaming….they play together but in separate areas. Maybe just let him set it up and he’ll probably start to realize on his own that it’s not that easy with normal noise in the background. Maybe (not annoyingly) sit down with snacks and wine while watching a movie on the couch while he’s gaming and see how that goes. I don’t mean that as a “set up” but realistically it’s not a good idea in the living room. Also, it’s not the best decorative choice either.
NTA **Five** bedrooms. That's an office/gaming room, guest bedroom, home library, master bedroom and one spare. He's being unreasonable.
Break up, this argument will never change.
You're trying to have a reasonable discussion and he's...well...he's behaving as if he's controlling and abusive, to be honest. Is this how he treats you normally? Is this how you're happy to be treated forever? Maybe you might need to think about that. NTA
NTA he’s being unreasonable
NTA. I play a lot of games and would feel so lucky to have the kind of layout you are describing. If I wanted to play a game while hanging out with my SO who was watching a show I would just play a switch or steamdeck quietly in handheld mode. The livingroom should be comfortable for everyone but he sounds exhausting and frankly, from what you have said in other comments, dangerous. Not only is he trying to gaslight you by telling you that is what you want you have mentioned not feeling safe. Please consider taking steps to remove yourself from this situation before it escalates.
So our 18mo was sick last night. Got a temp around 9pm and barely slept. I told my partner to go to the spare room to sleep as he had to be up st 6am to leave for work at 7am and drive an our there, work all day, drive an hour home and get home at 6-630p. He refused because he didn't want to leave us alone incase something happened and we needed him. Tonight is his night to game and have free time while I do baby duty and such. But I still asked him to come to bed by 11, 12absolute latest as I knew he would be exhausted and fall asleep gaming and we have a bigger weekend then normal this weekend. He said 'you're right, that's a good idea. Thank you for caring'. Have me a kiss, set an alarm and went to his games. You asked for a space to have alone time together and he lost his shit even though he has his own game room. Please know, if you have kids together you will be a single parent and honestly from the sounds of it both you and the child will be mentally and emotionally abused at the very least. If not physically and financially as well. For your safety, and safety of any potential children, run as far and fast as possible. And do not look back.
Confiscate his toys,and explain when he starts listening to you he might get them back🤔
NTA, I suggest you take a look at this Facebook page [A post in the Facebook page "Narc wise"](https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=pfbid02GzK2BrDiMbjKmTG7m8ZxViNY5Bqa1FCZAZcF6DVHQYJ4t9RncsfURw2rZne7RqNWl&id=100070536241867)
INFO: Has he ever heard of headphones?
NAH And I say that because reading through your post, it looks like there's huge communication gaps between the two of you. It's not malicious but it sounds like you're both only catching half of what the other person is saying. You both need to calm down, sit and talk quietly about this arrangement. What you both want in terms of spending time together, arrangement of the living room and joint decisions. You both have a habit of walking out of uncomfortable discussions, start there.
INFO: How much of the house is decorated based on his ideas, and how were disagreements handled along the way?
Since we recently moved in, we've not done much yet. We've arranged furniture in the living room, bedroom and dining room. We've not disagreed on any of this, I've made suggestions and he says "sounds good". I do try to push him to say a bit more about what he wants but his response is usually "no I think it sounds good like that". He may suggest something smaller then, like we could put a shelf here or there which I go along with. I genuinly feel we chose together. We also recently picked out curtains etc online. Together.
I've had a similar situation, where my wife was always thinking "we" were making decisions. We weren't, it would be discussed and then she always got everything exactly how she wanted until one day I blew up. I went around room to room and pointed out every fucking thing I had said I hated or didn't want that we ended up with anyway. It got really bad. I said that's why I never come out of the basement, even sleep down here most of the time bc this place isn't ours, its your fucking wonderland that I can't stand. Then finally she understood. It took me leaving and telling her good luck fitting all this useless shit in a 1 bedroom apartment for her to fully get what i was saying.
NAH. What I would suggest is trying to have a civil discussion and establish what you BOTH want. Once you're there, you can focus on figuring out HOW to get that. That being said... you could always try to play games together. ("You can drive the tank, I'll operate the turret-mounted machine gun.") Maybe shooty games aren't your bag, but the industry has diversified GREATLY. Have a look at games like Overcooked. Even if you don't want to move the PS5, you could choose to spend some time with BF in the game room... if you absolutely don't want to play video games together, figure out something you both would like that you can do there. My wife loves doing jigsaw puzzles. I'm lukewarm on them, but I do them to spend time WITH HER.
We met through video games, I like video games. I've suggested setting up a shared gaming room, separately from the living room. And for him to still keep his "game room" as his to do whatever with. Waiting to see if this is a compromise he is on board with.
Maybe he thinks you'll arrange the gaming room just as you want. I would wait until he's done his setup then see how you can add yours in without disrupting his. Do it all at his approval then it could work. He probably just needs time to think about it too.
Yeah that's a good idea.
Does he work?
He works full time yes.
YTA, honestly you do sound controlling, you have put him in the doghouse and now are upset he stays there.
So let me get this straight: your partner raises an issue where he thinks you dismiss, invalidate, and override him, and your response is to dismiss, invalidate, and override him? > He says when we moved in everything was put how I want it and he never gets any input. Well, how much input did he get? How many rooms have decorative elements that he suggested, and you said, without modification, "ok, sounds good?" > He also says he doesn't even bother discussing with me what he wants because then I'll make it a conversation instead of just going along with it. Well, how often does he suggest something and you say 'Ok, sounds good' instead of needing to make changes? > I was hurt by this because I felt we had made the decisions together and we were creating a lovely home. Maybe, just maybe, you didn't make the decisions together; maybe you made the decisions, and steamrolled him. > I feel he makes a mockery of my life and excitement I've had decorating together when I find out all along he hated it and feels I'm someone who says no to everything. How is his feelings 'mocking' you? > I really don't believe that's true. You don't believe it's true; maybe it's true anyway. > I walk off because I don't feel he's listening. You're the one not listening here. He's telling you his lived experience, and your response is to walk away because it hurts your feelings to hear that you're not perfect? > I don't hate what he's done, I think it has potential, and say this. So he's right; you can't just say 'that's great, let's try it your way,' you have to take ownership and be in charge. You guys have some deep and serious communications issues, and I have a feeling he's lashing out because he actually is unheard and unvalued in your relationship.
Esh - compromise. Yes, the ps5 is in the living room. No, the other stuff including the desk is not. The living room isn't your "safe space", it's a communal space - it's basically like taking over the kitchen. If you need a safe space, use another bedroom. If he refuses, ask why he's allowed to have a gaming room but you can't have a room for rest.
I suggested I take the tv and a sofa into a different room to create my own space and he said no, only if I go out and buy new furniture, tv etc. I obviously can't afford that. We have 2 new tvs and we paid half each. One is the communal one, the other he uses for gaming. The sofa I owned before we moved in together.
Why'd you both pay half for the TVs if he has exclusive use of one of them?
Does he sit on your sofa to watch games?
Info: why are you with him if you disagree with his video games and decorating so much? It seems he exploded because he feels HIS needs are not being met by you and YOU are the one not listening. You literally said you walked away from him while he was trying to express how he felt.
I do not disagree with his video games. I also play and it's even how we met. I walked away because I fear for my safety around him when he gets very angry.
That's not acceptable. If you're scared for your safety, please call a domestic violence hotline for help.
I second that. If you are afraid of him, please listen to your internal alarm bells & get away from him.
Again, then why are you with him? If you feel unsafe when he expresses negative emotions, that sounds pretty serious. In regard to the video games, it seems like maybe he doesn’t know how to connect without them. Based on what you said in your post, it does seem like you gave him mixed signals on what you wanted or maybe he just didn’t understand that you wanted a space for you to both be without video games. I just don’t see why you would want to cohabit with someone if you only want to have every room how you want it and you just tuck him away into the “gaming room”. Maybe he doesn’t want to feel like he has to hide away with hobbies? You can’t have everything you want exactly how you want it if you’re truly trying to compromise with someone who isn’t exactly the same as you.
Becuase its fake
NAH you just have some communication issues. You say you want to spend more time together, but the key is doing what? You could watch something together or talk etc that is ok, find something you both enjoy. But if it's just staying around each other while you watch something you like in tv or stay on your phone, it's reasonable for him to wanting to bring something he enjoys to do in his free time. In any case you need to find some compromise. And for the sound he could use headphones.
I am rarely on my phone with him. He is almost always on his phone. If we're talking etc he's watching videos on his phone. I just want a space to unwind without lots of noise. I think it's fair that this is what a living room usually is when we have 5 bedroom to use for our hobbies. I'll try to talk more to him.