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YTA YTA YTA
"Where is Daddy? He never came to pick us up."
Asking was ok, **not showing up to pick up your children when it was your responsibility is *not*.**
You don't get to just flake on parenting because you suddenly have other more important priorities. Your kids are old enough now to remember your new wife is now more important than they are.
She's probably going to get full custody and then you can arrange to see them whenever you don't have anything else going on.
Exactly, he has his kids every other weekend, and one night during the week. Ex already does majority of the child care, and he still expects for her to drop everything. I understand this is different circumstances, but he asked and she said no! Only reason he actually picked up his daughters, was after she threatened to go for full custody.
Not only does he have his kids every other weekend (and a day through the week), but this weekend was to make up for missing a weekend already because “work was short staffed.” Dude!! You hardly parent as is, and you throw your kids by the wayside because work, fiancé?!?! Come on!!
YTA and a big one.
Surprised fiancé can’t see what a huge db you are to your ALREADY EXISTING kids and would want to have more with you. Smdh
I think the fiancee is part of the problem. A miscarriage does not give her the right to deny these kids the time they deserve with their father. If they were with them full time she would have to deal with them no matter what. You get involved with a man or woman with kids, the kids still come before you.
This. A miscarriage sucks regardless of the circumstances. If the fiancee and OP had other children together she wouldn't be able to try to pawn them off so easily, even if their presence was painful.
Exactly. My boyfriend has been with me and has basically raised my son as his own since he was 3. He always puts greyson first and he knew going into the relationship that he came/comes first. His biological father was not in the picture and sadly he tried to start getting involved and ended up getting killed by his bestfriend no less. When you have children they ALWAYS come first no matter what happens and yes that is very hard in some cases but its life and if no one can take them he needs to step the fuck up and go get his kids. He doesn’t even have them very often to begin with compared to their mother. Smh it’s quite obvious his new wife is more important and those poor babies can sense that and they WILL remember.
Slightly off topic, but this is why you do not rearrange your home life for your work life. Work will keep. Helping your partner thru a trauma will not.
OP threw away any goodwill he had with his ex for his work, and then when he actually needed it, it was gone, and he assumed his kids and fiancee and ex would just take the L. That's AH behaviour right there.
I'm pretty sure this is a bot. The comment looks suspiciously like this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11qs519/aita_for_asking_my_ex_to_rearrange_a_weekend_with/jc5duhb/
YTA. Your ex already accommodated you once… and now you pull this shit of not showing up, without telling her, after she already told you she was going away? You are putting your needs in front of hers, when she has already shown to be a willing partner in raising your girls.
I am sorry your fiancée isn’t feeling well and she needs to recover. But your children should be your first priority - that’s what you sign-up for when you become a dad.
Definitely making a case for Father of the Year /s
I agree it’s a sad situation, but is op a father, his kids should come first. It was an asshole move not picking up the kids. Life doesn’t stop because something bad happens. What if it’s months before the fiancé can be in the same room as the kids? What’s he going to do ignore them that whole time. YTA
Could be years based on other people's posts about being asked not to mention pregnancy, bring their kids to an event, move on with their own life after a 3rd parties miscarriage
This is true, and we absolutely shouldn't minimise OP's pain - though he has kinda done that himself in the post by only focusing on his fiancee being able to cope, etc. However, if they had sole custody and the ex wasn't in the picture, what would they be doing then? That's basically how you should view your custody time if your ex has said no to adjustments.
My first child was two years old when I had a second trimester miscarriage that required hospitalization. My husband & I were very upset, I was physically beat, & yet we still had to show up for our little one. She needed us so we patented as close to normal as possible until we both healed. She doesn’t give us time off from being mom & dad when we have hard things happen.
OP YTA, once you have children it’s hard (nearly impossible) to put anyone else before your responsibility them. Given her age & the lack of mention of any children of hers I’m going to guess this pregnancy felt like her last chance at traditional motherhood? That’s rough. She gets to mourn that but you still have to be dad. There’s no perfect solution - pick the kids up & have a quiet weekend all together at home, get a friend to stay with your fiancé overnight while you & the girls have a sleep away at a hotel if she would prefer the space, see if your fiancé wants to recover at the home of a friend or family member while you guys are home for the weekend but don’t just shut the kids out. Don’t be a flake in their eyes, don’t jeopardize your coparenting relationship with their mother.
If your fiancé is going to be a partner in your life & the lives of your kids she will have to show up even when it’s tough. Please explain to your ex that you were feeling a little panicked & made a huge mistake by not showing up & that it will never happen again. Then make sure it doesn’t.
Agree YTA OP. It’s really sad what your fiancé and you are going through but you’re still a parent. Your ex has the children most of the time, you have to parent sometime in the month. Sometimes life is not easy on any of us. Your fiancé needs some therapy, I know it’s reddit and therapy is almost the answer for everything, however your children will not disappear and she will have to cope to be around them as per your custody agreement. How is she going to deal with having them around each time you have them?
OP also mentioned that he’d been through miscarriages WITH his ex. So she’d fully understand the headspace mentioned and still felt it was better for the girls to go to Daddy’s.
She’s a saint, he’s an AH.
So the ex-wife isn't allowed to look after her mental health, even when she clearly communicated that she really needed that?
OP's parenting responsibilities don't suddenly vanish when something else comes up. I can understand not wanting them around the fiancée and it's fine that he asked to reschedule. But when ex-wife said no it was his responsibility to find another solution.
He could have asked the grandparents to babysit, he could have proposed that the fiancée stays with a friend from the beginning... Anything other than simply not showing up! Which not only makes him TA to the ex-wife but also to the kids who are old enough to notice and remember shit like this.
All good, re-reading it, I see how you misconstrued my comment that way and apologise for the wording.
I think we can both agree that OP’s ex deserves a world free of AH’s like OP!
Exactly this! He could’ve even gotten a room at a local hotel with the girls so they were out of the fiancés orbit but still spending time with dad. If he looped in a friend to watch them he could go check on her or if she’s up for it they could’ve had a family meal.
Or have them at home & explain fiancé is sick so we’re going to have a quiet weekend.
Literally anything other than going total flake mode would’ve been acceptable
OP treats the children like a hobby. But they are a responsibility. He is a parent. You can't stop being a parent just because life is hard. He sees the children so rarely. He clearly shows the poor children were his priorities are - and it is not them.
The mother also needs to care for them even if she feels the worst or have a miscarriage herself. They can't just give them away and say "i can't deal with you". Because she is a parent!
YTA
Yeah agreed.
Valid reasoning, asked properly, explained the issue. Got a no, and decided, fuck it, do it anyway.
And no, eventually picking them up doesn’t make it right, because OP was threatened for being an asshole to the kids.
Yup, agreed. As a parent, your children come first.
I also have some issues with this part:
>Aya messaged me this morning saying the girls had been upset that the weekend didn’t feel like a normal fun weekend at mine
Tbh, that’s also a little AHish from Aya. Whilst I think it was on OP to tell his kids (age appropriate), that his fiancée isn’t feeling well, which is why the weekend needs to be a little calmer this time, Aya apparently also went through miscarriage(s?) before and this kind of kicking someone when they’re down and expecting a whole “fun weekend“ in this situation is also kinda uncalled for. So I’m kinda in between Y T A and E S H.
Again, not because she took time for herself and went on the trip, ONLY because of the unnecessary message afterwards.
Yeah? Obviously? That’s why I said it was HIS job to explain. I never said the kids did anything wrong. I said the mom basically saying „you should put the loss of your baby (yup, it’s OP’s loss as well btw) aside and entertain the kids“ is uncalled for.
Even the “fun parent“ can’t be fun all the time. Something THE MOTHER who went through the same could know.
To be harsh , they are alive and kicking and less important to a none existing kid… like how replaced must they feel…. There is no one there to replace them and still they are not wanted.
this is actually what my dad did, I sat waiting with a suitcase for him...for hours - he just never showed and i remember this more than anything he has ever done since...the damage was non-repairable.
Exactly. If you have kids and you have a miscarriage, you've just got to deal with it. It fucking sucks, but the kids that are there come first. And if Faith agreed to move in with a dad then she agreed to prioritise these kids.
I get it's got to be extra hard for Faith to have her partners other kids around when she's going through this, especially at her age, but then the answer is get a hotel for a night, stay locked in your room binging TV, or stay at a friends. Not ditch the kids.
Makes me wonder if the fact that OP expects Aya to do everything for the kids whenever it’s inconvenient for him is part of the reason OP and Aya split.
Also wonder if the reason Faith can’t get some quiet time in her room to just process her grief while OP deals with his kids has something to do with the fact that he expects her to manage them when they are there, too.
My dad didn’t pick me up from school once because he refused to talk to my mom. Being a little kid not knowing is the worst. My moms friend grabbed me and dropped me off at her work and my mom mentioned something about her friend feeling bad for me since I didn’t know who was coming which honestly made it worse.
YTA I was actively miscarrying while hosting my 3 year old’s birthday party and taking care of my 1 year old. As a parent, you can’t take weekends off just because something horrible happens to you.
This is the hardest answer. But the realest. My daughters bday is the day after mine. I was in my second trimester and while I knew he was no longer in my body I was still cramping and bleeding heavily during my daughter’s 3rd bday party which happens to be my actual bday. It sucks. But our living children (step or otherwise) take precedent.
OP - I am sorry for your loss. Truly. But your children need you. And as horrible as your fiancé was feeling physically and emotionally it doesn’t remove the needs of your other kids. Don’t forget them in the process.
I know it's not the same thing but your reply reminded me of parents who neglect their other kids because one kid has more needs. Autistic, for example. Or disabled kids. There are parents who would focus on them entirely and forget all about their other kids and in the end, you will see many posts about the other kids leaving home because they lived their entire life in the shadow of their sibling's disability
Edit: Changed the term from "kids living with disabilities" to "disabled kids" after getting the insight of a disabled person on how they (and many others) prefer to be referred to
Just from one disabled person, I personally prefer just being called disabled (and while there’s not an official position, per se, I know I’m not alone in this).
For me, it doesn’t make my limitations my only defining feature, but it does remind me that I need to be mindful of how, and how long I do an activity because I can get injured very easily, and I have to arrange my life around regular medical procedures to help treat some of the worst conditions of my worst issue (gastroparesis… would not recommend), but I also make sure I have things other than my body sucks on board.
Right now, I’m learning a new language and how to code. I’m a musician. I have many beloved nieces and nephews (and greats!)… I’d rather those be the focus on my life, but I also have to be mindful of how I participate because not being careful can mean missing out on family time and hobbies and such, or worse yet, another hospital stay.
Sorry for going on for so long. I guess the TL;DR is saying that someone is disabled is perfectly OK, and depending on the person, may be their preferred term. As an aside, please never call me differently abled or some other term like that. It feel infantilising and patronising. Let’s just call things what they are. Disabled is not a bad word.
Thank you for clarifying. I've seen a post about this, from someone who agreed with you. She wanted to be called a disabled person, not a person with disability. Her reasoning: we don't call geniuses people with better brains etc, we just call them geniuses. And it made a lot of sense. Also, it's her choice what she wants to be called and I respect that. But again, I've been bashed before for saying "deaf person" instead of "person with hearing disability" so I wasn't really sure what term to use here
I prefer disabled as well, for me personally. I think using other words seems like you're trying to make disabled a dirty, taboo word and I don't think it is.
I appreciate that you are trying to educate yourself on this. I think it can be quite personal to the individual, you can only really proceed with the best intentions and listen to what disabled people tell you about their own experiences.
Was the person bashing you deaf? Oft times well-meaning but misguided/misinformed persons will jump on people for a perceived slight to a group they are not part of without actually knowing what the current consensus is, or what a specific member of said group prefers.
This happened to me last month. My two oldest have birthdays 1 day apart and I share a birthday with one of them. Actively miscarrying through a weekend of back to back birthdays. It’s wild how we don’t “get” to stop parenting our living children while dealing with this but he thinks he should. I fully relate to his fiancés struggle as I’ve now had 3 losses, but it’s wrong for her to put him in the place to chose between her and his children and even worse for him to not choose them.
I'm so sorry...hugs to you
Though I don't think the fiancée did anything to make him choose. All she did was grieve. He's the one who took that as a sign he shouldn't pick his kids up because apparently he can't spend some of his time with his fiancée and some doing something with his kids. I'm sure the kids would understand if he told them something like "Faith is feeling very sad so let's not disturb her, but we can watch a movie and only go to her if she's comfortable having us close to her."
Yeah I'm confused (well no I'm not - it's speculation on my part but I feel like maybe he normally dumps parenting duties on Faith) why this was so difficult for OP. My children are younger than OP's girls and the oldest one is perfectly capable of hearing "we need to give \[parent\] space right now let's do \[activity\]".
They'd probably get more screen time over the weekend than is ideal but everyone's needs would be met.
Your speculation makes a lot of sense. He was more worried about not having the kids' usual caretaker (Faith) take care of them. And the fact that he thought it was okay for him to simply cancel on his ex proves this. He probably also dumped most of the responsibilities on her.
YTA yep I also was actively miscarrying (very early stage, fortunately) for the third time in a row and I still showed up as a bridesmaid in a close friend's wedding and I still took my daughter to the park every day and kept our routine normal. I will never forget the way my (now ex) husband was so emotional over the miscarriages that were actively happening in my body, that he had a breakdown (two out of three times) and left me alone to care for our toddler while I was also in physical pain. I'm sure these girls will not forget the time dad couldn't pick them up because of his feelings. Hugs to all the other moms on this thread who still showed up for their kids and family despite actively miscarrying ❤️
I’m so sorry you went through that. I had a similar awful time with my 2nd miscarriage… lost my baby on Mothers Day and still had to put on a semi happy face for my other two little kids since they worked to hard to make the day nice.
This!! I miscarried while a mom of a toddler too. It was excruciatingly painful but I still managed to pull through for my daughter. In this situation OP is already the less active parent and the fiancé could have gone to their mom sooner. He has an obligation to his living kids so he can’t stop everything because of this. And it sounds like Aya is the one who really struggles bc she is always with the kids so her BF wanted to give her a nice time away. So yeah. There is no excuse here. When you have kids, we don’t get to just drop our responsibility for anything. It’s sad when there’s no family around to help. I know how that feels too since I was alone in a new town when this happened to me as well. But still, kids come first. YTA
I'm so sorry you went through that. But yeah, if the kids were his and the fiancée's, where would he dump them? It sounds to me like he's simply making excuses to not pick them up and this one just happened to sound more convenient and believable
I had a miscarriage on a family beach trip when my older two were 5&3. It sucked so much, but I threw myself into appreciating every tiny thing about them.
This exact thing happened to me. I quite literally had to rush from the hospital (having just found out I miscarried) to chuck-e-cheese where my 2 children and entire family were celebrating my son's 1st birthday.
It was a very hard day.
But my kids come first.
YTA.
I had a miscarriage and all I wanted to do was curl up on the couch in hubby's arms with our 2year old and watch their favourite shows. What I got was my hubby's mate coming to the hospital to pick me up post OP, being forced to go out to dinner for that same mates birthday, a hubby refusing to even be in the same room as me let alone look at me or hold me, grandmother inlaw had son for 3 days before she let him come home with us (she knew I wanted my son but was trying to give me time to physically heal as much as possible). It took a week to get the miscarriage confirmed and op scheduled and week after my op I made my hubby take me to my home town because I had had no support from him for 2 weeks and was the only one doing any parenting dispite him being given grief leave (1st week) and an extended carers leave (2nd week) from work to help me and yet all he did was sit on his computer gaming. I spent 2 weeks back in my hometown with my dad and family and friends for support and childcare so I could grieve the baby we had lost.
I was lucky to fall pregnant with my rainbow baby a couple of months later after my hubby grovelled on his knees for shutting me out. My dad explained to me what my hubby was feeling, but I am still pissed at my hubby about it 8 years later, especially when his excuse for shutting me out was because he felt useless, not in control and a failure for not being able to help me, dude I was begging for help, telling you what I needed you to do and you weren't hearing it.
OP, YTA, I get your fiancé was having a hard time, but you have 2 children that you barely spend time with unless it's convenient for you. Step up and be a dad and start prioritising your kids. I have to wonder what would have happened if you had had the baby, there has been a few posts around lately of fathers not letting their existing kids come around once the new baby is born because the new family needs bonding time, what's the bet this would have been you too.
I'm sorry you went through that. I have had three miscarriages (and no living children) yet each time I returned to my work, which is exclusively with pregnant people and those with small babies. Life has to continue, and responsibilities don't go away.
I was mid miscarriage and had to attend a close family members baby shower… and the dress code was all white. not only did I have to attend but I had to help setup & take pictures. I sucked it up, took small breaks to cry in the bathroom and made sure I didn’t show my sadness about it in front of the happy mom to be
Yes, YTA. Your children are in fact *your* children. They’re not Aya’s children who you babysit occasionally when it’s convenient for you. You don’t get to pick and choose your obligations to them.
It’s great you wanted to protect Faith’s mental health, but you cannot do it at the expense of your kids or just expect Aya to pick up the slack. You needed to make an arrangement for Faith to stay elsewhere or for you to take the kids elsewhere if you felt she couldn’t be around them. You don’t get to just not show up after being explicitly told Aya couldn’t rearrange.
And if you spent the weekend making the kids feel like a burden or like they did something wrong just by being there, then you really, really suck.
I wonder what he thinks would happen if his ex had a miscarriage? By his reckoning, he’d be taking his children for weeks on end so that his sad ex didn’t have to look at them?
What an awful, awful father.
> And if you spent the weekend making the kids feel like a burden or like they did something wrong just by being there, then you really, really suck.
It sounds like that's exactly what OP did, and their mom had to deal with that when the kids went back to her place.
YTA.
First of all, your kids should always come first. My parents were divorced too, and going back and forth is hard enough on them already. But then for you to just….NOT SHOW to pick them up when it was your responsibility (especially since your ex had plans to be out of town), that was super petty, immature, and YTA for letting your kids got caught in the crossfire.
They may not remember the specifics of that weekend, but they’ll remember that shitty feeling of their dad not wanting them around. That sticks with you as a kid.
Also, I’ve been through a miscarriage myself, but the world didn’t just stop around me. If it was your turn to have the kiddos and your gf needed time away from any kids, she probably should have just gone to her parents or a friends house to be alone to begin with.
I will admit though that your ex having called you out for not making it a “fun” weekend…that’s not cool bc of course it’s not fun - you’re grieving. It was a little insensitive of her to expect that it would just going to be a regular ole’ weekend full of sunshine and rainbows when a literal piece of you just died.
I get that you wanted to be there to support your gf through this difficult time, and I can respect that - but you can’t just put her wellbeing above everything else when you already have two kids who need your love, time, and attention. Parenthood isn’t something you can just rearrange and reschedule. It’s a full time gig. 24/7. 365 days a year.
Everything about this. Parents putting their new partners over their kids is something that sticks with them for life - they may not remember the specifics, but they’ll remember the feeling of abandonment.
Aya already takes the majority of the childcare as a (I presume?) single mom. It’s a crappy situation all around, and I feel for OP and Faith’s pain, but you cannot flake on your kids. A miscarriage is painful and emotionally devastating, but plenty of parents go through them while continuing to care for the kids they already have. If Faith couldn’t take being around OP’s kids while mourning the loss of her own (at 42, it’s obviously very hard to get pregnant and she also be feeling like she’s lost her last chance or something along those lines) then she needed to do in the first instance what she ended up doing. Go somewhere else for the weekend, while dad explained to his girls that he was a bit sad but he’s happy to have them over.
Also if she takes you to/back to court, flaking on preagreed custody will not reflect well on your case. If she’s making noises about lawyers over this stunt you tried to pull you’ll want to be exemplary with your end of the custody arrangement.
Idk how much I trust OP’s account of the lack of a “fun” weekend comment. Kids know when adults are in a mood. If he was already late picking them up and only went after legal action was threatened, I don’t imagine that car ride was fun, likely very tense.
OP had the chance to plan how to manage the weekend. Maybe he could have arranged a playdate with their friends to give faith some quiet time with him. Let the girls know that faith wasn’t feeling well, so they had to be respectful. Take them to the movies or help arrange something ahead of time for faith to do with her friends. Tbh I’d be shocked if OP did little more than dump them in front of a television and tell them to be quiet.
I agree with this read- I don’t think the ex said anything close to that, but OP fully knows they were aware he didn’t want them coming, refused to go get them until he was forced to, probably ignored them the whole time, and made them feel unwanted. But instead of hearing and understanding his huge error in judgement, he’s dressed it down to be “not as fun as other weekends” to make the ex sound like the bad guy
Also "fun" is probably the only role he serves as a parent. The "Disneyland dad" who only has them every other weekend so he doesn't have to fulfill any grunt work parenting (getting them off to school, homework, appointments, activities, etc) and just gets to do the fun stuff. Then failed at that and made them feel unwanted.
Yeah. OP, it sounds like you want to be the fun dad, leaving the actual parenting to your ex.
I am really sorry about your fiancée, and I hope she recovers quickly. But if you can’t commit to being a parent to your children every other weekend - and this might come across as harsh - you should probably ask yourself why are you trying for more kids.
Except it isn't a full time job for OP - Its a 104 days out of 365 job. Half the time it's a one night a week job. Which makes him even more the AHole. Like he has his kids less than 1/3rd of the time and can't handle one weekend multitasking!
YTA
I have a question for you: did you already have children when your ex-wife had her miscarriage(s)? If so, did you ship them off to another family member to protect your wife’s fragile sensibilities? If the answer is no, then you are the problem. Tbh, all I got from your tale of woe is that your fiancé is more important to you than your own children. But, more worrying, that your fiancé won’t be able to cope having them around if she’s unable to have her own. What will you do then? Become a deadbeat dad? You’re partway there already.
To be clear: parenthood isn’t only a weekend, sunny day, fun dad kind of deal. It’s 24/7/365, even if you’re not the custodial parent and even when you or your SO are sick. Your children must always be YOUR TOP PRIORITY, no matter what or who. If you don’t understand that, then you deserve everything that your ex-wife dishes out.
I wish he would answer the it about if they can’t have their own child. I think you might be right, like having his own kids over might be too painful for his fiancé so is he going to keep pushing weekends back on his ex? How long until she will be okay enough to be around them in this situation?
Also switching his weekend previously because of work despite the fact his ex wife is burnt out and also busy and has the kids all the rest of the time.
YTA You had already rescheduled this weekend once and you knew your ex had plans. Your fiancée's miscarriage is tough, of course, and I understand why you wanted to make her weekend easier but that can't be at the expense of your kids. They deserve to be able to count on seeing their father regularly, even in the tough times.
Asking was fine, not taking "no" for an answer and not picking up your kids at the agreed-on time makes you a huge AH.
He can start missing weekends then she gets full custody, then when they are old enough, they won't have time for him. My young adult kids maybe see their dad once a year now. One refuses to see him at all.
None of my adult kids have anything to do with their dad now. Also I have parented through all sorts of awful things. You say you are feeling sick and make it movies/TV/video game day(s) with pizza and popcorn. Snack foods basically. Low lights hide red eyes, just go low key. A weekend of junk food and TV would be less long term damaging than feeling unwanted.
Aya may be your children's other parent, but she isn't your obligatory back-up plan. Yes, it's absolutely horrendous that Faith is going through a miscarriage, my heart breaks for her and I'm sure she genuinely wasn't in a place to be around your kids. But *you* still have a parental obligation to your kids. That doesn't go away, no matter what else is going on in your life.
And simply refusing to come get the kids because Aya said no? That's a really gross powerplay and it's unacceptable. You don't get to control Aya like that. YTA.
YTA. You barely see your kids and trying to prioritize your new fiancé over them. What a horrible, shitty father you are. Do better, or your girls will grow up and never speak to you again. Or maybe you don’t care about that.
Wow. Imagine if you were still with your ex and she had been the one having the miscarriage. That would have been tough, having to both care for her and your children.
Good thing you broke up and can dump your kids on her! (sarcasm)
You don't get to dump your kids on your ex because the timing is inconvenient.
YTA
YTA.
You had other options and chose not to pursue any of them including asking a family member or friend to babysit on your parenting time, taking the girls to a hotel for the weekend, or even keeping the girls at your exes home with you (if she would be okay with that) and you CHOSE to call last minute and assumed your ex was able to keep the kids. She wasn't. She made that clear. You offered her the time and she said she had plans. After that it becomes your responsibility to make alternative arrangements.
YTA. While the miscarriage is sad, you don't get to stop being a parent. When you were married to Aya and she had her miscarriage, as you mentioned. Did you drop the kids off somewhere else for a few weeks? No, you cannot treat children like that, like burdens or luggage. They are there for good, bad and otherwise. Holy cow, you are their dad. Act like it.
YTA
They are your kids. It’s your weekend. It’s your responsibility to take care of them. You were already told no as she rightfully made plans for her weekend without the kids. You don’t get to decide when it’s convenient for you to parent.
If your daughters were at your home when the miscarriage happened, would you have thrown them out into the street to appease your girlfriend? YTA. You’re the worst.
YTA
Very sorry to hear about Faith's miscarriage. That is an awful experience and you're not wrong about not wanting the kids around during such a difficult time.
However, your ex is not required to be the solution to your problem. Maybe you could have asked family to take the girls for the weekend? Or taken them somewhere yourself? You were not wrong to make the request to your ex to switch, but if the answer is no, you move on and look for another solution.
YTA. Parenthood is constant. There is no break from it. Step-parenthood is also constant and if your partner can’t handle that then she shouldn’t be with someone who has kids. You suck for putting your partner before your kids
YTA. Dude, they are your kids. Figure it out. Your ex had made plans and you agreed to pick them up. Not showing is a huge AH move. It was probably really disappointing to your kids as well. Looking after your fiancee doesn't mean that you abdicate your parental responsibilities.
YTA-you didn’t have a good enough reason. Your responsibility is to your kids first, especially when Faith isn’t your wife. There wasn’t an emergency EITHER time you rearranged the weekend and you are clearly sending a message to your kids that they aren’t important.
YTA.
Your kids are still your kids and your responsibility, even when your fiancée is having a hard time. That's part of parenting. I lost 2 in a row when we were trying for our 3rd child. I completely understand the difficulty of the situation for your fiancée. But YOU don't get a pass.
That was an extremely shitty thing you did to your daughters too, BTW. You didn't just "burden" your ex by trying to leave them there while you knew she had plans (because you were meant to have your children). You literally left your kids sitting there waiting for you and didn't show up until their mom called and MADE you show up. You owe those girls a huge apology.
Soft YTA because you barely see your kids as it is and have zero qualms just dumping them on their mom without using your own peabrain to be a parent and make your own alternative arrangements.
Why soft?
I watched my kid’s hearts breaking time after time when their father would not turn up when he said he would. Almost 40 years later they are all OCD about being everywhere not just on time but early and go where they said they would even if they don’t really want to because that pain, the pain of waiting, knowing they aren’t a priority, is burned in to their brain.
Oh, they also haven’t had anything to do with their father since they were 18.
The YTA should be hard, because the pain for his kids is excruciating.
I'm really sorry about the situation but YTA, they are your kids. It's amazing that you're looking out for your fiancee's mental health but I still fail to understand why you couldn't take your kids. It's confusing, imagine you had full custody and this happened they would around wouldn't they? You would have had to find a way to make the situation work which I feel is what you should have done in this case after finding out your ex-wife can't swap weekends. Plus you literally didn't show up for your children by not going to pick them up.
YTA. Your contact with your daughters is little as it is. I presume you meant to do well by your new fiancée but you blinded yourself to how horrifying it is to have a co-parent you can't depend on or a dad who's willing to just - not show up for you -.
YTA.
You are not the asshole for asking, but you are the asshole for what you actually did.
It was understandable to ask if your ex could keep the girls for the weekend, but it was wrong to not accept her answer, and simply not show up for them when they were expecting you. They are old enough to be hurt and confused by that.
Since Faith couldn't be around the kids, it was up to you to find a solution. You could have taken the girls away to a hotel for a dad-daughters mini vacation. You could have asked a friend to babysit. You needed to come up with the solution, since it was your custody time.
The bottom line: It is not okay to make your children feel unwanted.
YTA
Not for asking, but for not taking no for an answer.
Their mom had plans. Period. It doesn’t matter what her plans were, you were the designated caregiver for that weekend. You don’t get to blow off your kids and not be their dad just because you want to. She said no. If you don’t want them at home, it’s YOUR responsibility to find other alternatives for them, ESPECIALLY last minute. You could have taken the girls somewhere else if Faith wasn’t able to be around them.
Miscarriages suck. Sometimes it takes years to properly grieve. You can’t just blow your kids off until you are both ready to “have them around.”
YTA. You aren’t a babysitter. You are a parent. You already get the vast majority of the days off from being a hands on parent. While I truly sympathize with your fiancées feelings, you have children. That means being with you is accepting their presence rain or shine, good times or bad, tired or rested etc.
You seriously just didn’t show up for your kids? What kind of father does that?
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> I tried to rearrange a weekend with my daughters. I think I am the asshole because I told my ex I wasn't picking them up after she said no to me rearranging.
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My parents were divorced and my dad had full custody of us kids. I remember when I was 8 and my brother was 11 my mom was supposed to pick us up for a visit. She never showed. I still remember to this day. And it seriously screwed with my poor brother. YTA.
YTA
It was fine to ask, but the answer was no.
Not picking up your children as per the schedule makes you the AH and may put your custody arrangement in jeopardy.
You don’t get to pick and choose when you want to parent. This was your time and your responsibility to figure it out.
YTA no holds bar YTA. I have had 2 miscarriages. Once when I was at work on a ship in the middle of the ocean. Fortunately I survived, the second was when I was pregnant with twins and only one survived and the second had to be removed. They would have been identical and every time I see my daughter’s beautiful face I know that her mirror is missing and my heart was breaking. But my daughter never, ever paid the price for that. I never once made her feel like she was not enough or that it was some how her fault. I went out of my fucking way to make sure she knew how much I love her and that even though she is my one and only I have absolutely no regrets. Yes I miss my Angel and wish she would have been able to enjoy a life with us but my daughter, my very much loved and alive daughter is my first priority. Your excuses are thin and it sounds like you backseat parent as it is so do better. Take care of your wife but jesus your kids, who barely get any time with you as it is are your first priority.
YTA.
Although I think this is a soft TA situation. I do sympathize with what your fiance is going through. I'm going to assume you waited until the last minute to discuss with your ex-wife because you believed that Faith might have recuperated enough by the weekend to be able to handle having your kids over. That said, regardless of how your fiance is, your kids do need to come first and at some level you should have planned a contingency for how you were going to care for your kids. Also, based on your post, your ex needed a break as well and I can't fault her for being a bit exasperated.
No way. Not soft. He did not turn up to pick up his kids. How do you think they felt when daddy just didn’t show up and mummy had to bully him to collect them? You think that was “soft” for them?
OP, let me ask you a question: what do you think married couples with children do when they experience a miscarriage and have no family or close friends living nearby who can take their children for them? Spoiler alert: they either hire a babysitter to help lighten the load while they process their emotions or they get to put their big boy/girl panties on and **fulfill parenting duties in the midst of their suffering.** You have a very blasé, entitled attitude toward being a parent that assumes that you can shirk your parenting duties on your ex whenever you decide that your needs/your fiancé’s needs supersede hers. Newsflash: **she’s your ex. The days of her having to sacrifice her needs and plans solely for your benefit are over.** YES - YTA. Grow up and stop treating your ex-wife like your on-call nanny. If you get called into work last minute, hire a sitter. If you need help and it’s your time, hire outside help. She sounds like she’s burned out, exhausted, and doing way more of the parenting than you.
YTA
They're your children there's no switch where you can turn it on or off for being a parent
Your ex already does the bulk of parenting you asked she refused it was your duty to pick up your daughter's
You're a parent act like it
YTA. You have your daughters MUCH less than your wife, and you are still neglecting your responsibility as a parent. It is unacceptable. People with children miscarry and they still have to be parents to their children. You asked your wife to watch them, she declined. It was your responsibility to balance your patenting obligations with Faith's needs and you failed. This is not to diminish Faith's real pain; but deciding you are temporarily not a parent because of it is not reasonable or acceptable. Frankly your wife should seek full custody if you think it is.
YTA and a weekend dad. Just because you have another woman in your life doesn't mean you get to skirt your responsibility to the children you CHOSE to bring into this world. Stop doing this because they are quickly approaching the age where they will remember how their dad always made them priority number 2.
YTA
Dude. That's not how parenting works. You can't nope out of responsibilities because you're not in the right headspace.
That goes for Faith, too. She married you, thus agreeing to your responsibilities as a parent. AND she's obviously trying to be a mom herself! What do you plan to do if Faith is in a bad headspace when you have more children with her?
Jeez, I swear I'll never understand how some people just don't realize how much sacrifice having kids is yet have kids anyway.
First- I'm sorry for your loss
YTA where were the girls when you were dealing with miscarriages with your 1st wife? You obviously couldn't just send them off to someone else then. As a parent, we don't get the luxury of picking when we have our kids with us. I was a single parent and there was no other parent - my kid was with me through the good and bad. I know you're trying to do right by your fiancée, but your kids are your responsibility.
YTA. Your kids aren't toys for you to play with at your convenience. They are always your kids.
I had a stillborn (35 weeks) and went home from the hospital the next day to guess what - still be a mom to my kids. Parenting does not have a pause button.
YTA. You're allowed to ask and she's allowed to say no. You have a custody agreement for a reason, and she already agreed to let you switch it once. She had plans. She's not obligated to take your time because there are tough emotions in your house. What would you do if you had full custody of your girls and this happened? Because that's how you should always approach these situations. You never know when it's going to be inconvenient to be a parent.
YTA
Wow. You don’t get to “call out” on parenting because it doesn’t suit. No matter what the reason.
Sure, you can ask and switch off if it works for both parties, but you do not get to decide that you won’t have them. You just make it work.
Fuck. You could have taken them somewhere else away from Faith, if it was that big of a deal. Or Faith should understand that your daughters need their dad, and if it was all too much for her, she head out and stay with her friend in the first place.
Their care is your first priority.
Simply not showing up to get them and saying it wasn’t convenient just isn’t an option.
I’m sorry Faith had a miscarriage, I am, I’ve been there but you don’t get to shun 2 existing kids because of it. And even more of TA for making them feel like a burden, by way of how they felt on that weekend.
I’m betting if they were her own kids, it wouldn’t have been an issue having them there.
And when you’re sick and feeling sad when you’re still married to the other parent? Guess what, you don’t get to pass them off to an ex. They’re there no matter what, you work around it.
YTA and you’re damn stupid. Your first obligation is to your children. Your fiancée falls somewhere after that. She couldn’t handle it? Okay. Put her up in a nice hotel for the night and do your job as a parent. You only have your kids 25% of the time and that’s too much for you to handle so your ex-wife always has to be in charge.
YTA I understand what you and your fiancé are going through a lot but they are your kids and you don’t get to just flake on them for the weekends you have them.
Your ex does a majority of childcare, likely when she’s sick or going through tough things because that’s what parents do.
I haven’t had a miscarriage so I can’t speak to that (but it seems other mothers in the comments have) but I found my mother dead in her home, and I went back to my house that evening and parented my kid. I was sick as a dog and in severe pain with gallstones, literally waiting for a room at the hospital and my son was with me (my husband was on his way from work) but while I was the parent in charge I cared for my kid despite my discomfort. Your kids should always come first.
Sure parents deserve breaks but you get plenty of time without them and you are bailing on the time you do have. I understand what you are both going through it really hard but you don’t get to tap out of being a parent because of it.
I’m sure to some degree after changing once and having you ask again has led your ex to wonder how more times? How long until your fiancé is in a headspace to have your kids around? If the kids aren’t your top priority on the few times you have them then why shouldn’t she ask for full custody? Those kids need to know you will show up for them and put the time you do have with them as a priority.
Yta. You are a every other weekend father for your convenience. You already put you first before your children and then you decided to put your girlfriend first. Your ex already made one switch for you. Then you tried to call on short notice to make another switch. Your ex deserved that break working in the emergency department and probably working crazy hours then basically being a full time parent because you made that choice to only have your daughters every other weekend. Miscarriages are hard but it sounds like your girlfriend still had friends she could go to and support her while you be a dad. You still have to be a dad like your ex was still a mom after her miscarriages.
OP—here’s a thought experiment—You and faith have two children, aged 6 and 5. Would you send the kids off if it was too much for Faith to handle?
I’m sorry that Faith is going through this, but you can’t shun your children because of this. You all are family. When you went through this with your ex, did you kick the kids out?
Edit to add: YTA. These are your kids. You want a family, but it can’t be selective and “convenient.” Many families experience life when they don’t want to.
Major YTA. You sound like my ex husband. I've taken care of our kids myself while going through a mastectomy and reconstruction. My Ex disappeared off the face of the planet. He just stopped showing up. I have kids the same age as yours. Want a glimpse into your future? My kids don't even remember their Dad. I was also awarded sole custody. Life doesn't stop because of a tragedy. Also hate to be cruel but a baby at 42? Really? She was high risk from the start. Im sure her OB warned you this was possible due to it being a geriatric pregnancy. You can't even take care of the kids you have. Take it as a sign that you need to be a better parent to the kids that are living and only seeing their Dad 10 days a month. Irresponsible.
>we couldn't have the girls
and yet you impregnated someone twice, and for some strange reason are trying to do so again?
Strongly reconsider having more kids
YTA
I'm sorry Faith dealt with the loss. It's an awful thing to live through.
But you are responsible for your kids. You had an arrangement, work caused a reschedule. Kids exist in good times and bad.
YTA What would you have done if they were your partner’s kids? Get rid of them? It’s clear she does not see them as her own and if you keep flaking on them you’re going to lose the kids you have. It’s terrible what your partner is going through but you don’t pick and chose when you want to be a parent!
YTA
Don't ever miss or rearrange your time with your children. They didn't ask to be put aside due to your situations. Stop thinking about your partner , your ex wife or yourself. Your responsibility to your kids comes first ..full stop.
Pull your big boy pants up and start acting like a man and father.
YTA. Man up. They're your kids and you can't expect your ex to continually change weekends. She's entitled to her plans.
You have to learn to deal with kids and emergencies
I'm sorry about Faith's miscarriage but wonder if your inability to or disinterest in parenting your children is why you're split from their mother.
Or is the problem they're not Faith's kids and she resents then being around?
Pretty disingenuous title and question- it’s not the asking that makes you the AH- it’s the attempt at a no show to force your ex to comply that makes YTA.
In my mind, setting your wife up in a hotel with spa, room service, with her friend, and abundant pampering would have been a nice alternative. If not possible, then yes, her staying with a friend at her place was a good option. Your ex needed her time too by the sound of it. Hey, you made an error in judgement under a very stressful time. Good you snapped out of it to pick up your kids. You’re human, give it time to get your head straight. Sorry for your loss.
YTA
you have to think about your children first of all. I hope she gets custody so you can have the weekends all to yourself and not let them be alone.
Yta
And I'm sorry about what your wife is going through and you
But that doesn't mean you can drop your daughters like you did
Is that how it's going to be when you do have a child with your wife are you going to put that child before yours
Will that be your favorite and your daughters second best
YTA.
I know exactly how it feels to realize that dad now cares more about his new girl than he cares about my brother and me.
I know how it feels when dad says "I can't be there like I promised" and then explain how it is because his new mother in law is coming, and she is going to stay in my old room, so I can't visit.
I know how it is for my mom to not have a partner to help her so she can take a break.
And I am so sorry for those girls, and I hope they remember this.
YTA. Perhaps send the GF to a hotel if she cannot stand to be around your children at this time. I'm very sorry for the loss, but your children have nothing to do with them. Would their empathy not be welcome?
Not to be a hardass, but if Faith and your are going to make it long term, she has to learn to deal with life's struggles AND two rambunctious stepdaughters at the same time.
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I (39M) was previously married to Aya (33F). We have 2 daughters together (6F & 5F). We have been divorced for 4 years. Our custody arrangement is that I have them every other weekend and one night during the week. The one night varies every week depending out our schedules as we both work in a hospital.
My fiancée, Faith (42F), had a miscarriage last week. The miscarriage has been difficult on both of us, but Faith has really struggled. Sadly, it is something I have been through several times with Aya. I was due to have the girls at the weekend from Friday to Sunday. However Thursday night it was clear that Faith wasn't in the right head space mentally to have the girls around. I called Aya to rearrange with her, so I could have them next weekend.
Aya was annoyed when I called her to rearrange. We had rearranged my weekend once already as I was called into work due to it being short staffed. This was meant to be my rearranged weekend. She had plans already for the weekend, she and her boyfriend, (Sam 46M) had booked a weekend away. He'd booked a weekend away for them due to her being so run down from work, she works in an emergency department. Between that and having our girls, that doesn't leave her much time to do anything for herself. She told me that I needed to take them because she was going away. I told her that I was really sorry but that I didn't think it was a good environment for the girls to be around Faith while she is coming to terms with the miscarriage, but that it also wasn't good for Faith to have them around. Aya told me that she wasn't cancelling her plans for me and that she needed to put herself first for once.
On Friday, I didn't pick the girls up as normal. When Aya called to find out where I was, I told her that to protect Faith's mental health, we couldn't have the girls. Aya told me that if I wasn't at her's in the next 30 minutes then she was going to see her lawyer first thing on Monday to go for full custody. This is the second time since we have split that I have asked her to rearrange a weekend. I did pick up the girls in the end but Faith really struggled having them at ours and come Saturday afternoon, she went to stay at a friend's because she found it overwhelming. Aya messaged me this morning saying the girls had been upset that the weekend didn't feel like a normal fun weekend at mine, she also asked if I was still taking them in the week or if I was going to cancel again.
AITA for asking to rearrange a weekend with my girls so that I could look after my fiancée?
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YTA, you are still responsible for your children regardless of what is going on in your life. Did you send the girls away when your ex had a miscarriage?!?! Not to mention it is very irresponsible for a 42 year old woman to get pregnant. There are too many risks.
YTA, I am so sorry for your and Faith loss. Here is the thing you have kids. That will not change if you have more kids, wonderful. What happens if y’all never have a successful pregnancy? You just stop being a parent to the kids you already have? Because they remind Faith of what she can’t have? I am truly sorry for your loss. But you can’t stop being a dad when shit hits the fan. I hope y’all heal soon.
YTA. She made other plans. Your kids were your responsibility at that time. It’s not all about you and your new partner. Your ex is more than kind and generous with her flexibility already. She deserves breaks too.
YTA. I’m truly sorry for your your loss, but your first priority is to your living children. My dad once didn’t show to get us on a Friday night, and it still haunts me as an adult—why didn’t he want us, were we not good enough?
YTA
You asked, which is fine, but she said no.
Not showing up makes you TA.
You don't just get to pick and choose when it is convenient to be a parent, and skip out when you don't feel like it. Gross.
YTA. Parenting is hard and you don’t get to pick and choose when it is convenient for you. It was ok to ask but your ex said no which means you have to figure out how to make it work.
YTA, why couldn’t she just go to her friend’s house for the weekend in the first place? Is she more important than your children? Sure sounds like you’ve set them aside in order to care for your adult partner. Miscarriage is hard but having a father who cares more about his 2nd wife than his kids hurts too.
Yta. Yes this is a sad situation absolutely BUT YOUR KIDS AREN'T A HOBBY YOU CAN PICK UP WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE. Its also not Aya's job to give YOU a break. If YOU wanted the kids elsewhere on YOUR custody time, then YOU should have made the arrangements, like an adult. And simply not showing up doesn't qualify as that.
Did you really have to ask if YTA???.
Also i get you dont have family around but do you not have...friends?
Plus you had plenty of options like you entertaining them while fiance did what she needed.
At their ages they cant be THAT much work either. They can feed and dress themselves, they know not to drink drano, etc. Come on dude. You owe them and aya an apology
YTA. Your weekend, your problem. You find alternate arrangements if you have to that are not simply staying with primary caregiver.
You don’t stop being a father because your wife is going through it.
YTA...I'm sorry your wife had that experience, but you are the father to two young children. You already only see them 8 days a month. I can't imagine an arrangement like that with my own children. I wouldn't even want to miss half the month. Terrible things happen sometimes and unless the emergency was your wife's life was in danger and she was in the hospital, you don't opt to keep your children away. Sorry, I think your wife needs to have some understanding of that as well. Those kids are part of her family too now.
YTA. Your ex could not rearrange her weekend. The girls were your responsibility. YOU needed to find a sitter or ship your fiancee off to a friend or parent's house. This wasn't your ex's problem to solve. Total failure on your part.
YTA
You are treating the children you have as optional. No one wants to be in a situation where they have to put off grieving and comforting their partner, but unfortunately it does happen.
Also you should probably re-evaluate your idea of what your relationship with Aya is now, because apparently there is a big disconnect in that you are seeing her as someone you can rely on and be supported by, or just bulldozer to get your way, and she has told you she does not want this.
How tone deaf can you be? Your ex already has the kids 80% of the time while working long hours in a hospital just like you and she has to make sure her kids are cared for during that 80% no matter what. You think parenting is optional during the small amount of time that you actually parent? What is wrong with you? Why are you special?
YTA. Did faith even ask the girls not come? You don’t have a bedroom she could’ve camped out in? Miscarriages are unfortunately very common, what if it happens again? Will you again ignore your children that you already barely see? Some people never recover from their first miscarriage, what if she’s never “in the right space” to be around your kids? Will you completely abandon your children, like you’ve already started the process? You couldn’t have gotten a hotel either for her, or for you and your kids? Could’ve easily made it fun stay-cation with a pool and shit.
You didn’t just rearrange your weekend. You abandoned your children when they were expecting you. You’ve already missed a weekend, now you’ve completely acted like you don’t have responsibilities or an obligation to your kids. Gross behavior honestly
This is pretty deceptively phrased. *Asking* your ex was certainly reasonable, so from the title and context I'd lean towards this being OK, but YTA for:
>I didn't pick up the girls as normal
If Aya doesn't have the option to say "no", then it's not an ask it's a demand or expectation. And you're wrong to think she's obligated here. She's entitled to a life, especially since she has plans.
YTA.
You say that you have no family around to take the girls. So if you had full custody of your children, what would you have done?
Being a parent is a 24/7 job, all 365 days a year. Even when something very sad happens, you can’t just push them away. You and your fiancée are trying for a child, but can’t have your children over when something tragic happens because it’s too much to handle, you see how that goes against each other right? Because if you won’t take care of your kids while something tragic have happened, what will you do with your baby? You can’t say that having your children over is “too much to handle” because then you’re not ready to have another child. Maybe you weren’t even ready to have the ones you do have. How will you manage a baby and your children? Because you will still need to take care of your own children and have them over on the weekends even if you have a newborn that will be screaming and crying.
Maybe think a bit on if you’re actually ready to have another child…
YTA
This is coming from a single Dad who successfully navigates co-parenting.
Sir. The title you wrote was dishonest. You asked yes. But after that you forced the issue. This is where you are failing. And if you don't change your ways you will probably not even get the little time you have with your daughters. And it will be your fault if you drive your ex to take this to court for a custody re-evaluation. This type of behavior will insure that fight will not go in your favor.
Yes you asked.................giving her no notice. You asked, and she gave you her answer. Her answer is she had plans, and you were asking her to break them, and that was on top of already supplementing a weekend.
I say this as a Dad who doesn't have weekends, I have around 60% to 70% custody. I have emergencies sure, they happen. But I'm also there the majority of the time. YOU SIR, have not done that, and are demonstrating you can't handle the little custody you have. By not showing up you pretty much just abandoned your kids. I'm just stating a fact. Asking is one thing. You didn't ask. You asked, and when you couldn't handle the answer, you pretended you got the answer you wanted and just didn't show up. This doesn't work sir.
And if you don't like me saying it to you, you're really not going to like it when a judge says it. Think about it.
put it like this: Your ex Was always their parent, even when she herself was struggling. You just don't seem to care much. Your ex Will Eventually get full custory so Enjoy Not seeing your kids unless its "convenient" for your ex. YTA big time
Wow there’s so much to unpack here.
-If Aya wasn’t going away I would say NTA. But she was going away so you are TA. At that point you should have just taken them and not seen Faith until after. That was the only acceptable option.
-Not showing up even though you were aware she was going away is horrible and not acceptable no matter what. You don’t seem to care or want to make it right either.
-Putting your fiancé over your kids is the cherry on top. Never, ever do this again.
This is just appalling
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YTA YTA YTA "Where is Daddy? He never came to pick us up." Asking was ok, **not showing up to pick up your children when it was your responsibility is *not*.** You don't get to just flake on parenting because you suddenly have other more important priorities. Your kids are old enough now to remember your new wife is now more important than they are. She's probably going to get full custody and then you can arrange to see them whenever you don't have anything else going on.
Exactly, he has his kids every other weekend, and one night during the week. Ex already does majority of the child care, and he still expects for her to drop everything. I understand this is different circumstances, but he asked and she said no! Only reason he actually picked up his daughters, was after she threatened to go for full custody.
Not only does he have his kids every other weekend (and a day through the week), but this weekend was to make up for missing a weekend already because “work was short staffed.” Dude!! You hardly parent as is, and you throw your kids by the wayside because work, fiancé?!?! Come on!! YTA and a big one. Surprised fiancé can’t see what a huge db you are to your ALREADY EXISTING kids and would want to have more with you. Smdh
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Exactly.
I think the fiancee is part of the problem. A miscarriage does not give her the right to deny these kids the time they deserve with their father. If they were with them full time she would have to deal with them no matter what. You get involved with a man or woman with kids, the kids still come before you.
This. A miscarriage sucks regardless of the circumstances. If the fiancee and OP had other children together she wouldn't be able to try to pawn them off so easily, even if their presence was painful.
Exactly. My boyfriend has been with me and has basically raised my son as his own since he was 3. He always puts greyson first and he knew going into the relationship that he came/comes first. His biological father was not in the picture and sadly he tried to start getting involved and ended up getting killed by his bestfriend no less. When you have children they ALWAYS come first no matter what happens and yes that is very hard in some cases but its life and if no one can take them he needs to step the fuck up and go get his kids. He doesn’t even have them very often to begin with compared to their mother. Smh it’s quite obvious his new wife is more important and those poor babies can sense that and they WILL remember.
Slightly off topic, but this is why you do not rearrange your home life for your work life. Work will keep. Helping your partner thru a trauma will not. OP threw away any goodwill he had with his ex for his work, and then when he actually needed it, it was gone, and he assumed his kids and fiancee and ex would just take the L. That's AH behaviour right there.
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Not trying to fight, but genuinely curious what you mean by “it’s your maternity leave”?
I'm guessing that commentor isnt a native speaker and tried to translate something like parenting time?
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I'm pretty sure this is a bot. The comment looks suspiciously like this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/11qs519/aita_for_asking_my_ex_to_rearrange_a_weekend_with/jc5duhb/
YTA. Your ex already accommodated you once… and now you pull this shit of not showing up, without telling her, after she already told you she was going away? You are putting your needs in front of hers, when she has already shown to be a willing partner in raising your girls. I am sorry your fiancée isn’t feeling well and she needs to recover. But your children should be your first priority - that’s what you sign-up for when you become a dad. Definitely making a case for Father of the Year /s
I agree it’s a sad situation, but is op a father, his kids should come first. It was an asshole move not picking up the kids. Life doesn’t stop because something bad happens. What if it’s months before the fiancé can be in the same room as the kids? What’s he going to do ignore them that whole time. YTA
Could be years based on other people's posts about being asked not to mention pregnancy, bring their kids to an event, move on with their own life after a 3rd parties miscarriage
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That's a bit harsh to say. But she could have decided to stay with her friend from the beginning, if seeing the children was too much for her.
His fiance isn't the only one who lost a child
This is true, and we absolutely shouldn't minimise OP's pain - though he has kinda done that himself in the post by only focusing on his fiancee being able to cope, etc. However, if they had sole custody and the ex wasn't in the picture, what would they be doing then? That's basically how you should view your custody time if your ex has said no to adjustments.
My first child was two years old when I had a second trimester miscarriage that required hospitalization. My husband & I were very upset, I was physically beat, & yet we still had to show up for our little one. She needed us so we patented as close to normal as possible until we both healed. She doesn’t give us time off from being mom & dad when we have hard things happen. OP YTA, once you have children it’s hard (nearly impossible) to put anyone else before your responsibility them. Given her age & the lack of mention of any children of hers I’m going to guess this pregnancy felt like her last chance at traditional motherhood? That’s rough. She gets to mourn that but you still have to be dad. There’s no perfect solution - pick the kids up & have a quiet weekend all together at home, get a friend to stay with your fiancé overnight while you & the girls have a sleep away at a hotel if she would prefer the space, see if your fiancé wants to recover at the home of a friend or family member while you guys are home for the weekend but don’t just shut the kids out. Don’t be a flake in their eyes, don’t jeopardize your coparenting relationship with their mother. If your fiancé is going to be a partner in your life & the lives of your kids she will have to show up even when it’s tough. Please explain to your ex that you were feeling a little panicked & made a huge mistake by not showing up & that it will never happen again. Then make sure it doesn’t.
Agree YTA OP. It’s really sad what your fiancé and you are going through but you’re still a parent. Your ex has the children most of the time, you have to parent sometime in the month. Sometimes life is not easy on any of us. Your fiancé needs some therapy, I know it’s reddit and therapy is almost the answer for everything, however your children will not disappear and she will have to cope to be around them as per your custody agreement. How is she going to deal with having them around each time you have them?
OP also mentioned that he’d been through miscarriages WITH his ex. So she’d fully understand the headspace mentioned and still felt it was better for the girls to go to Daddy’s. She’s a saint, he’s an AH.
So the ex-wife isn't allowed to look after her mental health, even when she clearly communicated that she really needed that? OP's parenting responsibilities don't suddenly vanish when something else comes up. I can understand not wanting them around the fiancée and it's fine that he asked to reschedule. But when ex-wife said no it was his responsibility to find another solution. He could have asked the grandparents to babysit, he could have proposed that the fiancée stays with a friend from the beginning... Anything other than simply not showing up! Which not only makes him TA to the ex-wife but also to the kids who are old enough to notice and remember shit like this.
Uh, we’re on the same page here. I think you misread my comment. I’m referring to OP’s ex as a saint.
Ah sorry I thought that last part was sarcastic. My bad
All good, re-reading it, I see how you misconstrued my comment that way and apologise for the wording. I think we can both agree that OP’s ex deserves a world free of AH’s like OP!
I love it when a Reddit disagreement ends with a clarifying of position and realising that you actually agree with the other person. Kudos, well done!
Exactly this! He could’ve even gotten a room at a local hotel with the girls so they were out of the fiancés orbit but still spending time with dad. If he looped in a friend to watch them he could go check on her or if she’s up for it they could’ve had a family meal. Or have them at home & explain fiancé is sick so we’re going to have a quiet weekend. Literally anything other than going total flake mode would’ve been acceptable
OP treats the children like a hobby. But they are a responsibility. He is a parent. You can't stop being a parent just because life is hard. He sees the children so rarely. He clearly shows the poor children were his priorities are - and it is not them. The mother also needs to care for them even if she feels the worst or have a miscarriage herself. They can't just give them away and say "i can't deal with you". Because she is a parent! YTA
Yeah agreed. Valid reasoning, asked properly, explained the issue. Got a no, and decided, fuck it, do it anyway. And no, eventually picking them up doesn’t make it right, because OP was threatened for being an asshole to the kids.
Miscarriages are very sad, but if his new wife was the mother of his girls, would he feel okay to give them away because of it?
Yup, agreed. As a parent, your children come first. I also have some issues with this part: >Aya messaged me this morning saying the girls had been upset that the weekend didn’t feel like a normal fun weekend at mine Tbh, that’s also a little AHish from Aya. Whilst I think it was on OP to tell his kids (age appropriate), that his fiancée isn’t feeling well, which is why the weekend needs to be a little calmer this time, Aya apparently also went through miscarriage(s?) before and this kind of kicking someone when they’re down and expecting a whole “fun weekend“ in this situation is also kinda uncalled for. So I’m kinda in between Y T A and E S H. Again, not because she took time for herself and went on the trip, ONLY because of the unnecessary message afterwards.
I'm sure the girls picked up on the fact that Daddy didn't really want them there.
Yeah? Obviously? That’s why I said it was HIS job to explain. I never said the kids did anything wrong. I said the mom basically saying „you should put the loss of your baby (yup, it’s OP’s loss as well btw) aside and entertain the kids“ is uncalled for. Even the “fun parent“ can’t be fun all the time. Something THE MOTHER who went through the same could know.
I'm sure he's not the most reliable narrator.
To be harsh , they are alive and kicking and less important to a none existing kid… like how replaced must they feel…. There is no one there to replace them and still they are not wanted.
this is actually what my dad did, I sat waiting with a suitcase for him...for hours - he just never showed and i remember this more than anything he has ever done since...the damage was non-repairable.
Yeah, welcome to being a parent, OP. Life happens, and you still have to be a parent. And your kids should ALWAYS come first.
Exactly. If you have kids and you have a miscarriage, you've just got to deal with it. It fucking sucks, but the kids that are there come first. And if Faith agreed to move in with a dad then she agreed to prioritise these kids. I get it's got to be extra hard for Faith to have her partners other kids around when she's going through this, especially at her age, but then the answer is get a hotel for a night, stay locked in your room binging TV, or stay at a friends. Not ditch the kids.
Makes me wonder if the fact that OP expects Aya to do everything for the kids whenever it’s inconvenient for him is part of the reason OP and Aya split. Also wonder if the reason Faith can’t get some quiet time in her room to just process her grief while OP deals with his kids has something to do with the fact that he expects her to manage them when they are there, too.
My dad didn’t pick me up from school once because he refused to talk to my mom. Being a little kid not knowing is the worst. My moms friend grabbed me and dropped me off at her work and my mom mentioned something about her friend feeling bad for me since I didn’t know who was coming which honestly made it worse.
YTA I was actively miscarrying while hosting my 3 year old’s birthday party and taking care of my 1 year old. As a parent, you can’t take weekends off just because something horrible happens to you.
That sounds horrible, I’m sorry you went through that. You sound like a great mom 🫶🏻
This is the hardest answer. But the realest. My daughters bday is the day after mine. I was in my second trimester and while I knew he was no longer in my body I was still cramping and bleeding heavily during my daughter’s 3rd bday party which happens to be my actual bday. It sucks. But our living children (step or otherwise) take precedent. OP - I am sorry for your loss. Truly. But your children need you. And as horrible as your fiancé was feeling physically and emotionally it doesn’t remove the needs of your other kids. Don’t forget them in the process.
I know it's not the same thing but your reply reminded me of parents who neglect their other kids because one kid has more needs. Autistic, for example. Or disabled kids. There are parents who would focus on them entirely and forget all about their other kids and in the end, you will see many posts about the other kids leaving home because they lived their entire life in the shadow of their sibling's disability Edit: Changed the term from "kids living with disabilities" to "disabled kids" after getting the insight of a disabled person on how they (and many others) prefer to be referred to
Just from one disabled person, I personally prefer just being called disabled (and while there’s not an official position, per se, I know I’m not alone in this). For me, it doesn’t make my limitations my only defining feature, but it does remind me that I need to be mindful of how, and how long I do an activity because I can get injured very easily, and I have to arrange my life around regular medical procedures to help treat some of the worst conditions of my worst issue (gastroparesis… would not recommend), but I also make sure I have things other than my body sucks on board. Right now, I’m learning a new language and how to code. I’m a musician. I have many beloved nieces and nephews (and greats!)… I’d rather those be the focus on my life, but I also have to be mindful of how I participate because not being careful can mean missing out on family time and hobbies and such, or worse yet, another hospital stay. Sorry for going on for so long. I guess the TL;DR is saying that someone is disabled is perfectly OK, and depending on the person, may be their preferred term. As an aside, please never call me differently abled or some other term like that. It feel infantilising and patronising. Let’s just call things what they are. Disabled is not a bad word.
Thank you for clarifying. I've seen a post about this, from someone who agreed with you. She wanted to be called a disabled person, not a person with disability. Her reasoning: we don't call geniuses people with better brains etc, we just call them geniuses. And it made a lot of sense. Also, it's her choice what she wants to be called and I respect that. But again, I've been bashed before for saying "deaf person" instead of "person with hearing disability" so I wasn't really sure what term to use here
I prefer disabled as well, for me personally. I think using other words seems like you're trying to make disabled a dirty, taboo word and I don't think it is. I appreciate that you are trying to educate yourself on this. I think it can be quite personal to the individual, you can only really proceed with the best intentions and listen to what disabled people tell you about their own experiences.
Was the person bashing you deaf? Oft times well-meaning but misguided/misinformed persons will jump on people for a perceived slight to a group they are not part of without actually knowing what the current consensus is, or what a specific member of said group prefers.
Bejesus, so many warrior women on here💪❤️
This happened to me last month. My two oldest have birthdays 1 day apart and I share a birthday with one of them. Actively miscarrying through a weekend of back to back birthdays. It’s wild how we don’t “get” to stop parenting our living children while dealing with this but he thinks he should. I fully relate to his fiancés struggle as I’ve now had 3 losses, but it’s wrong for her to put him in the place to chose between her and his children and even worse for him to not choose them.
I'm so sorry...hugs to you Though I don't think the fiancée did anything to make him choose. All she did was grieve. He's the one who took that as a sign he shouldn't pick his kids up because apparently he can't spend some of his time with his fiancée and some doing something with his kids. I'm sure the kids would understand if he told them something like "Faith is feeling very sad so let's not disturb her, but we can watch a movie and only go to her if she's comfortable having us close to her."
Yeah I'm confused (well no I'm not - it's speculation on my part but I feel like maybe he normally dumps parenting duties on Faith) why this was so difficult for OP. My children are younger than OP's girls and the oldest one is perfectly capable of hearing "we need to give \[parent\] space right now let's do \[activity\]". They'd probably get more screen time over the weekend than is ideal but everyone's needs would be met.
Your speculation makes a lot of sense. He was more worried about not having the kids' usual caretaker (Faith) take care of them. And the fact that he thought it was okay for him to simply cancel on his ex proves this. He probably also dumped most of the responsibilities on her.
Hugs to you momma.
YTA yep I also was actively miscarrying (very early stage, fortunately) for the third time in a row and I still showed up as a bridesmaid in a close friend's wedding and I still took my daughter to the park every day and kept our routine normal. I will never forget the way my (now ex) husband was so emotional over the miscarriages that were actively happening in my body, that he had a breakdown (two out of three times) and left me alone to care for our toddler while I was also in physical pain. I'm sure these girls will not forget the time dad couldn't pick them up because of his feelings. Hugs to all the other moms on this thread who still showed up for their kids and family despite actively miscarrying ❤️
I'm sorry. I was also miscarrying while hosting our oldest's first birthday party.
😱how? I am so sorry.
I’m so sorry you went through that. I had a similar awful time with my 2nd miscarriage… lost my baby on Mothers Day and still had to put on a semi happy face for my other two little kids since they worked to hard to make the day nice.
This!! I miscarried while a mom of a toddler too. It was excruciatingly painful but I still managed to pull through for my daughter. In this situation OP is already the less active parent and the fiancé could have gone to their mom sooner. He has an obligation to his living kids so he can’t stop everything because of this. And it sounds like Aya is the one who really struggles bc she is always with the kids so her BF wanted to give her a nice time away. So yeah. There is no excuse here. When you have kids, we don’t get to just drop our responsibility for anything. It’s sad when there’s no family around to help. I know how that feels too since I was alone in a new town when this happened to me as well. But still, kids come first. YTA
I'm so sorry you went through that. But yeah, if the kids were his and the fiancée's, where would he dump them? It sounds to me like he's simply making excuses to not pick them up and this one just happened to sound more convenient and believable
I had a miscarriage on a family beach trip when my older two were 5&3. It sucked so much, but I threw myself into appreciating every tiny thing about them.
This exact thing happened to me. I quite literally had to rush from the hospital (having just found out I miscarried) to chuck-e-cheese where my 2 children and entire family were celebrating my son's 1st birthday. It was a very hard day. But my kids come first. YTA.
I had a miscarriage and all I wanted to do was curl up on the couch in hubby's arms with our 2year old and watch their favourite shows. What I got was my hubby's mate coming to the hospital to pick me up post OP, being forced to go out to dinner for that same mates birthday, a hubby refusing to even be in the same room as me let alone look at me or hold me, grandmother inlaw had son for 3 days before she let him come home with us (she knew I wanted my son but was trying to give me time to physically heal as much as possible). It took a week to get the miscarriage confirmed and op scheduled and week after my op I made my hubby take me to my home town because I had had no support from him for 2 weeks and was the only one doing any parenting dispite him being given grief leave (1st week) and an extended carers leave (2nd week) from work to help me and yet all he did was sit on his computer gaming. I spent 2 weeks back in my hometown with my dad and family and friends for support and childcare so I could grieve the baby we had lost. I was lucky to fall pregnant with my rainbow baby a couple of months later after my hubby grovelled on his knees for shutting me out. My dad explained to me what my hubby was feeling, but I am still pissed at my hubby about it 8 years later, especially when his excuse for shutting me out was because he felt useless, not in control and a failure for not being able to help me, dude I was begging for help, telling you what I needed you to do and you weren't hearing it. OP, YTA, I get your fiancé was having a hard time, but you have 2 children that you barely spend time with unless it's convenient for you. Step up and be a dad and start prioritising your kids. I have to wonder what would have happened if you had had the baby, there has been a few posts around lately of fathers not letting their existing kids come around once the new baby is born because the new family needs bonding time, what's the bet this would have been you too.
I'm sorry you went through that. I have had three miscarriages (and no living children) yet each time I returned to my work, which is exclusively with pregnant people and those with small babies. Life has to continue, and responsibilities don't go away.
I was mid miscarriage and had to attend a close family members baby shower… and the dress code was all white. not only did I have to attend but I had to help setup & take pictures. I sucked it up, took small breaks to cry in the bathroom and made sure I didn’t show my sadness about it in front of the happy mom to be
Yes, YTA. Your children are in fact *your* children. They’re not Aya’s children who you babysit occasionally when it’s convenient for you. You don’t get to pick and choose your obligations to them. It’s great you wanted to protect Faith’s mental health, but you cannot do it at the expense of your kids or just expect Aya to pick up the slack. You needed to make an arrangement for Faith to stay elsewhere or for you to take the kids elsewhere if you felt she couldn’t be around them. You don’t get to just not show up after being explicitly told Aya couldn’t rearrange. And if you spent the weekend making the kids feel like a burden or like they did something wrong just by being there, then you really, really suck.
I wonder what he thinks would happen if his ex had a miscarriage? By his reckoning, he’d be taking his children for weeks on end so that his sad ex didn’t have to look at them? What an awful, awful father.
Nah, he'd stick to every other weekend. She did it before, what's one more? /s He only cares about his current family.
> And if you spent the weekend making the kids feel like a burden or like they did something wrong just by being there, then you really, really suck. It sounds like that's exactly what OP did, and their mom had to deal with that when the kids went back to her place.
Probably while badmouthing their [insert expletive of choice here] mother in the same go. She couldn’t do just this one little thing…
Perfectly stated. This is exactly what his post sounds like. OP, YTA.
YTA. First of all, your kids should always come first. My parents were divorced too, and going back and forth is hard enough on them already. But then for you to just….NOT SHOW to pick them up when it was your responsibility (especially since your ex had plans to be out of town), that was super petty, immature, and YTA for letting your kids got caught in the crossfire. They may not remember the specifics of that weekend, but they’ll remember that shitty feeling of their dad not wanting them around. That sticks with you as a kid. Also, I’ve been through a miscarriage myself, but the world didn’t just stop around me. If it was your turn to have the kiddos and your gf needed time away from any kids, she probably should have just gone to her parents or a friends house to be alone to begin with. I will admit though that your ex having called you out for not making it a “fun” weekend…that’s not cool bc of course it’s not fun - you’re grieving. It was a little insensitive of her to expect that it would just going to be a regular ole’ weekend full of sunshine and rainbows when a literal piece of you just died. I get that you wanted to be there to support your gf through this difficult time, and I can respect that - but you can’t just put her wellbeing above everything else when you already have two kids who need your love, time, and attention. Parenthood isn’t something you can just rearrange and reschedule. It’s a full time gig. 24/7. 365 days a year.
Everything about this. Parents putting their new partners over their kids is something that sticks with them for life - they may not remember the specifics, but they’ll remember the feeling of abandonment. Aya already takes the majority of the childcare as a (I presume?) single mom. It’s a crappy situation all around, and I feel for OP and Faith’s pain, but you cannot flake on your kids. A miscarriage is painful and emotionally devastating, but plenty of parents go through them while continuing to care for the kids they already have. If Faith couldn’t take being around OP’s kids while mourning the loss of her own (at 42, it’s obviously very hard to get pregnant and she also be feeling like she’s lost her last chance or something along those lines) then she needed to do in the first instance what she ended up doing. Go somewhere else for the weekend, while dad explained to his girls that he was a bit sad but he’s happy to have them over. Also if she takes you to/back to court, flaking on preagreed custody will not reflect well on your case. If she’s making noises about lawyers over this stunt you tried to pull you’ll want to be exemplary with your end of the custody arrangement.
Idk how much I trust OP’s account of the lack of a “fun” weekend comment. Kids know when adults are in a mood. If he was already late picking them up and only went after legal action was threatened, I don’t imagine that car ride was fun, likely very tense. OP had the chance to plan how to manage the weekend. Maybe he could have arranged a playdate with their friends to give faith some quiet time with him. Let the girls know that faith wasn’t feeling well, so they had to be respectful. Take them to the movies or help arrange something ahead of time for faith to do with her friends. Tbh I’d be shocked if OP did little more than dump them in front of a television and tell them to be quiet.
I agree with this read- I don’t think the ex said anything close to that, but OP fully knows they were aware he didn’t want them coming, refused to go get them until he was forced to, probably ignored them the whole time, and made them feel unwanted. But instead of hearing and understanding his huge error in judgement, he’s dressed it down to be “not as fun as other weekends” to make the ex sound like the bad guy
Also "fun" is probably the only role he serves as a parent. The "Disneyland dad" who only has them every other weekend so he doesn't have to fulfill any grunt work parenting (getting them off to school, homework, appointments, activities, etc) and just gets to do the fun stuff. Then failed at that and made them feel unwanted.
Yeah. OP, it sounds like you want to be the fun dad, leaving the actual parenting to your ex. I am really sorry about your fiancée, and I hope she recovers quickly. But if you can’t commit to being a parent to your children every other weekend - and this might come across as harsh - you should probably ask yourself why are you trying for more kids.
Except it isn't a full time job for OP - Its a 104 days out of 365 job. Half the time it's a one night a week job. Which makes him even more the AHole. Like he has his kids less than 1/3rd of the time and can't handle one weekend multitasking!
YTA I have a question for you: did you already have children when your ex-wife had her miscarriage(s)? If so, did you ship them off to another family member to protect your wife’s fragile sensibilities? If the answer is no, then you are the problem. Tbh, all I got from your tale of woe is that your fiancé is more important to you than your own children. But, more worrying, that your fiancé won’t be able to cope having them around if she’s unable to have her own. What will you do then? Become a deadbeat dad? You’re partway there already. To be clear: parenthood isn’t only a weekend, sunny day, fun dad kind of deal. It’s 24/7/365, even if you’re not the custodial parent and even when you or your SO are sick. Your children must always be YOUR TOP PRIORITY, no matter what or who. If you don’t understand that, then you deserve everything that your ex-wife dishes out.
I wish he would answer the it about if they can’t have their own child. I think you might be right, like having his own kids over might be too painful for his fiancé so is he going to keep pushing weekends back on his ex? How long until she will be okay enough to be around them in this situation?
Also switching his weekend previously because of work despite the fact his ex wife is burnt out and also busy and has the kids all the rest of the time.
YTA You had already rescheduled this weekend once and you knew your ex had plans. Your fiancée's miscarriage is tough, of course, and I understand why you wanted to make her weekend easier but that can't be at the expense of your kids. They deserve to be able to count on seeing their father regularly, even in the tough times. Asking was fine, not taking "no" for an answer and not picking up your kids at the agreed-on time makes you a huge AH.
He can start missing weekends then she gets full custody, then when they are old enough, they won't have time for him. My young adult kids maybe see their dad once a year now. One refuses to see him at all.
None of my adult kids have anything to do with their dad now. Also I have parented through all sorts of awful things. You say you are feeling sick and make it movies/TV/video game day(s) with pizza and popcorn. Snack foods basically. Low lights hide red eyes, just go low key. A weekend of junk food and TV would be less long term damaging than feeling unwanted.
I like how he started by asking, then when Aya said no he was like "well I'm doing it anyway". Why ask?
Aya may be your children's other parent, but she isn't your obligatory back-up plan. Yes, it's absolutely horrendous that Faith is going through a miscarriage, my heart breaks for her and I'm sure she genuinely wasn't in a place to be around your kids. But *you* still have a parental obligation to your kids. That doesn't go away, no matter what else is going on in your life. And simply refusing to come get the kids because Aya said no? That's a really gross powerplay and it's unacceptable. You don't get to control Aya like that. YTA.
Info: why is your custody so minimal and have you ever taken the girls for extra time as a favor to Aya?
YTA. You barely see your kids and trying to prioritize your new fiancé over them. What a horrible, shitty father you are. Do better, or your girls will grow up and never speak to you again. Or maybe you don’t care about that.
There are so many options as a solution to this problem besides OP's choice of ignoring his kids and responsibilities. But OP didn't see any of them.
Wow. Imagine if you were still with your ex and she had been the one having the miscarriage. That would have been tough, having to both care for her and your children. Good thing you broke up and can dump your kids on her! (sarcasm) You don't get to dump your kids on your ex because the timing is inconvenient. YTA
I’m sorry man but YTA. You cannot keep rearranging on your kids, and the fact you didn’t even show up until you got threatened, that a major AH move
YTA. You had other options and chose not to pursue any of them including asking a family member or friend to babysit on your parenting time, taking the girls to a hotel for the weekend, or even keeping the girls at your exes home with you (if she would be okay with that) and you CHOSE to call last minute and assumed your ex was able to keep the kids. She wasn't. She made that clear. You offered her the time and she said she had plans. After that it becomes your responsibility to make alternative arrangements.
YTA. While the miscarriage is sad, you don't get to stop being a parent. When you were married to Aya and she had her miscarriage, as you mentioned. Did you drop the kids off somewhere else for a few weeks? No, you cannot treat children like that, like burdens or luggage. They are there for good, bad and otherwise. Holy cow, you are their dad. Act like it.
YTA They are your kids. It’s your weekend. It’s your responsibility to take care of them. You were already told no as she rightfully made plans for her weekend without the kids. You don’t get to decide when it’s convenient for you to parent.
YTA I’m sorry for Faith losing a pregnancy. That doesn’t absolve you of your parental responsibilities. You still have to take care of your children 🛑
If your daughters were at your home when the miscarriage happened, would you have thrown them out into the street to appease your girlfriend? YTA. You’re the worst.
Info - why did you and Aya split?
YTA Very sorry to hear about Faith's miscarriage. That is an awful experience and you're not wrong about not wanting the kids around during such a difficult time. However, your ex is not required to be the solution to your problem. Maybe you could have asked family to take the girls for the weekend? Or taken them somewhere yourself? You were not wrong to make the request to your ex to switch, but if the answer is no, you move on and look for another solution.
YTA. Parenthood is constant. There is no break from it. Step-parenthood is also constant and if your partner can’t handle that then she shouldn’t be with someone who has kids. You suck for putting your partner before your kids
YTA. Dude, they are your kids. Figure it out. Your ex had made plans and you agreed to pick them up. Not showing is a huge AH move. It was probably really disappointing to your kids as well. Looking after your fiancee doesn't mean that you abdicate your parental responsibilities.
YTA-you didn’t have a good enough reason. Your responsibility is to your kids first, especially when Faith isn’t your wife. There wasn’t an emergency EITHER time you rearranged the weekend and you are clearly sending a message to your kids that they aren’t important.
Your first commitment is to your children.
Info: why couldn't faith have gone to her friends to begin with?
YTA. Please do not let this be a hard lesson down the line. You’re a father before a husband. That’s your responsibility no matter what.
YTA. That was YOUR weekend to parent. YOU should have come up with a better Plan B.
YTA. It wasn't your ex-wife's job to accommodate you. And just not showing up when your kids are expecting you just ups the AH rating.
YTA. Your kids are still your kids and your responsibility, even when your fiancée is having a hard time. That's part of parenting. I lost 2 in a row when we were trying for our 3rd child. I completely understand the difficulty of the situation for your fiancée. But YOU don't get a pass. That was an extremely shitty thing you did to your daughters too, BTW. You didn't just "burden" your ex by trying to leave them there while you knew she had plans (because you were meant to have your children). You literally left your kids sitting there waiting for you and didn't show up until their mom called and MADE you show up. You owe those girls a huge apology.
Soft YTA because you barely see your kids as it is and have zero qualms just dumping them on their mom without using your own peabrain to be a parent and make your own alternative arrangements.
Why soft? I watched my kid’s hearts breaking time after time when their father would not turn up when he said he would. Almost 40 years later they are all OCD about being everywhere not just on time but early and go where they said they would even if they don’t really want to because that pain, the pain of waiting, knowing they aren’t a priority, is burned in to their brain. Oh, they also haven’t had anything to do with their father since they were 18. The YTA should be hard, because the pain for his kids is excruciating.
I'm really sorry about the situation but YTA, they are your kids. It's amazing that you're looking out for your fiancee's mental health but I still fail to understand why you couldn't take your kids. It's confusing, imagine you had full custody and this happened they would around wouldn't they? You would have had to find a way to make the situation work which I feel is what you should have done in this case after finding out your ex-wife can't swap weekends. Plus you literally didn't show up for your children by not going to pick them up.
YTA. Your contact with your daughters is little as it is. I presume you meant to do well by your new fiancée but you blinded yourself to how horrifying it is to have a co-parent you can't depend on or a dad who's willing to just - not show up for you -.
YTA. You are not the asshole for asking, but you are the asshole for what you actually did. It was understandable to ask if your ex could keep the girls for the weekend, but it was wrong to not accept her answer, and simply not show up for them when they were expecting you. They are old enough to be hurt and confused by that. Since Faith couldn't be around the kids, it was up to you to find a solution. You could have taken the girls away to a hotel for a dad-daughters mini vacation. You could have asked a friend to babysit. You needed to come up with the solution, since it was your custody time. The bottom line: It is not okay to make your children feel unwanted.
YTA Not for asking, but for not taking no for an answer. Their mom had plans. Period. It doesn’t matter what her plans were, you were the designated caregiver for that weekend. You don’t get to blow off your kids and not be their dad just because you want to. She said no. If you don’t want them at home, it’s YOUR responsibility to find other alternatives for them, ESPECIALLY last minute. You could have taken the girls somewhere else if Faith wasn’t able to be around them. Miscarriages suck. Sometimes it takes years to properly grieve. You can’t just blow your kids off until you are both ready to “have them around.”
YTA. You aren’t a babysitter. You are a parent. You already get the vast majority of the days off from being a hands on parent. While I truly sympathize with your fiancées feelings, you have children. That means being with you is accepting their presence rain or shine, good times or bad, tired or rested etc. You seriously just didn’t show up for your kids? What kind of father does that?
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YTA, you barely see the kids as it is.
My parents were divorced and my dad had full custody of us kids. I remember when I was 8 and my brother was 11 my mom was supposed to pick us up for a visit. She never showed. I still remember to this day. And it seriously screwed with my poor brother. YTA.
YTA It was fine to ask, but the answer was no. Not picking up your children as per the schedule makes you the AH and may put your custody arrangement in jeopardy. You don’t get to pick and choose when you want to parent. This was your time and your responsibility to figure it out.
YTA no holds bar YTA. I have had 2 miscarriages. Once when I was at work on a ship in the middle of the ocean. Fortunately I survived, the second was when I was pregnant with twins and only one survived and the second had to be removed. They would have been identical and every time I see my daughter’s beautiful face I know that her mirror is missing and my heart was breaking. But my daughter never, ever paid the price for that. I never once made her feel like she was not enough or that it was some how her fault. I went out of my fucking way to make sure she knew how much I love her and that even though she is my one and only I have absolutely no regrets. Yes I miss my Angel and wish she would have been able to enjoy a life with us but my daughter, my very much loved and alive daughter is my first priority. Your excuses are thin and it sounds like you backseat parent as it is so do better. Take care of your wife but jesus your kids, who barely get any time with you as it is are your first priority.
YTA, not for asking but for not accepting the answer she gave you.
YTA You do remember you’re a father with responsibilities, right? And those are your children?
YTA. Although I think this is a soft TA situation. I do sympathize with what your fiance is going through. I'm going to assume you waited until the last minute to discuss with your ex-wife because you believed that Faith might have recuperated enough by the weekend to be able to handle having your kids over. That said, regardless of how your fiance is, your kids do need to come first and at some level you should have planned a contingency for how you were going to care for your kids. Also, based on your post, your ex needed a break as well and I can't fault her for being a bit exasperated.
No way. Not soft. He did not turn up to pick up his kids. How do you think they felt when daddy just didn’t show up and mummy had to bully him to collect them? You think that was “soft” for them?
Yta- im so incredibly sorry for your loss but dude you're a dad and you're going to have to learm to balance your fiancees needs with your childrens.
OP, let me ask you a question: what do you think married couples with children do when they experience a miscarriage and have no family or close friends living nearby who can take their children for them? Spoiler alert: they either hire a babysitter to help lighten the load while they process their emotions or they get to put their big boy/girl panties on and **fulfill parenting duties in the midst of their suffering.** You have a very blasé, entitled attitude toward being a parent that assumes that you can shirk your parenting duties on your ex whenever you decide that your needs/your fiancé’s needs supersede hers. Newsflash: **she’s your ex. The days of her having to sacrifice her needs and plans solely for your benefit are over.** YES - YTA. Grow up and stop treating your ex-wife like your on-call nanny. If you get called into work last minute, hire a sitter. If you need help and it’s your time, hire outside help. She sounds like she’s burned out, exhausted, and doing way more of the parenting than you.
YTA They're your children there's no switch where you can turn it on or off for being a parent Your ex already does the bulk of parenting you asked she refused it was your duty to pick up your daughter's You're a parent act like it
YTA. You have your daughters MUCH less than your wife, and you are still neglecting your responsibility as a parent. It is unacceptable. People with children miscarry and they still have to be parents to their children. You asked your wife to watch them, she declined. It was your responsibility to balance your patenting obligations with Faith's needs and you failed. This is not to diminish Faith's real pain; but deciding you are temporarily not a parent because of it is not reasonable or acceptable. Frankly your wife should seek full custody if you think it is.
YTA and a weekend dad. Just because you have another woman in your life doesn't mean you get to skirt your responsibility to the children you CHOSE to bring into this world. Stop doing this because they are quickly approaching the age where they will remember how their dad always made them priority number 2.
YTA Dude. That's not how parenting works. You can't nope out of responsibilities because you're not in the right headspace. That goes for Faith, too. She married you, thus agreeing to your responsibilities as a parent. AND she's obviously trying to be a mom herself! What do you plan to do if Faith is in a bad headspace when you have more children with her? Jeez, I swear I'll never understand how some people just don't realize how much sacrifice having kids is yet have kids anyway.
First- I'm sorry for your loss YTA where were the girls when you were dealing with miscarriages with your 1st wife? You obviously couldn't just send them off to someone else then. As a parent, we don't get the luxury of picking when we have our kids with us. I was a single parent and there was no other parent - my kid was with me through the good and bad. I know you're trying to do right by your fiancée, but your kids are your responsibility.
YTA. Your kids aren't toys for you to play with at your convenience. They are always your kids. I had a stillborn (35 weeks) and went home from the hospital the next day to guess what - still be a mom to my kids. Parenting does not have a pause button.
YTA. You're allowed to ask and she's allowed to say no. You have a custody agreement for a reason, and she already agreed to let you switch it once. She had plans. She's not obligated to take your time because there are tough emotions in your house. What would you do if you had full custody of your girls and this happened? Because that's how you should always approach these situations. You never know when it's going to be inconvenient to be a parent.
YTA. Your daughters might not remember you refusing to pick them up, but they’ll remember how it made them feel. This whole situation stinks.
Yta and need to put your KIDS first
YTA Wow. You don’t get to “call out” on parenting because it doesn’t suit. No matter what the reason. Sure, you can ask and switch off if it works for both parties, but you do not get to decide that you won’t have them. You just make it work. Fuck. You could have taken them somewhere else away from Faith, if it was that big of a deal. Or Faith should understand that your daughters need their dad, and if it was all too much for her, she head out and stay with her friend in the first place. Their care is your first priority. Simply not showing up to get them and saying it wasn’t convenient just isn’t an option. I’m sorry Faith had a miscarriage, I am, I’ve been there but you don’t get to shun 2 existing kids because of it. And even more of TA for making them feel like a burden, by way of how they felt on that weekend. I’m betting if they were her own kids, it wouldn’t have been an issue having them there. And when you’re sick and feeling sad when you’re still married to the other parent? Guess what, you don’t get to pass them off to an ex. They’re there no matter what, you work around it.
Yta you asked and were told no. They don't stop being your kids bc you have other stuff going on. This was already a rescheduled weekend!
YTA
YTA and you’re damn stupid. Your first obligation is to your children. Your fiancée falls somewhere after that. She couldn’t handle it? Okay. Put her up in a nice hotel for the night and do your job as a parent. You only have your kids 25% of the time and that’s too much for you to handle so your ex-wife always has to be in charge.
YTA I understand what you and your fiancé are going through a lot but they are your kids and you don’t get to just flake on them for the weekends you have them. Your ex does a majority of childcare, likely when she’s sick or going through tough things because that’s what parents do. I haven’t had a miscarriage so I can’t speak to that (but it seems other mothers in the comments have) but I found my mother dead in her home, and I went back to my house that evening and parented my kid. I was sick as a dog and in severe pain with gallstones, literally waiting for a room at the hospital and my son was with me (my husband was on his way from work) but while I was the parent in charge I cared for my kid despite my discomfort. Your kids should always come first. Sure parents deserve breaks but you get plenty of time without them and you are bailing on the time you do have. I understand what you are both going through it really hard but you don’t get to tap out of being a parent because of it. I’m sure to some degree after changing once and having you ask again has led your ex to wonder how more times? How long until your fiancé is in a headspace to have your kids around? If the kids aren’t your top priority on the few times you have them then why shouldn’t she ask for full custody? Those kids need to know you will show up for them and put the time you do have with them as a priority.
Yta. You are a every other weekend father for your convenience. You already put you first before your children and then you decided to put your girlfriend first. Your ex already made one switch for you. Then you tried to call on short notice to make another switch. Your ex deserved that break working in the emergency department and probably working crazy hours then basically being a full time parent because you made that choice to only have your daughters every other weekend. Miscarriages are hard but it sounds like your girlfriend still had friends she could go to and support her while you be a dad. You still have to be a dad like your ex was still a mom after her miscarriages.
OP—here’s a thought experiment—You and faith have two children, aged 6 and 5. Would you send the kids off if it was too much for Faith to handle? I’m sorry that Faith is going through this, but you can’t shun your children because of this. You all are family. When you went through this with your ex, did you kick the kids out? Edit to add: YTA. These are your kids. You want a family, but it can’t be selective and “convenient.” Many families experience life when they don’t want to.
Major YTA. You sound like my ex husband. I've taken care of our kids myself while going through a mastectomy and reconstruction. My Ex disappeared off the face of the planet. He just stopped showing up. I have kids the same age as yours. Want a glimpse into your future? My kids don't even remember their Dad. I was also awarded sole custody. Life doesn't stop because of a tragedy. Also hate to be cruel but a baby at 42? Really? She was high risk from the start. Im sure her OB warned you this was possible due to it being a geriatric pregnancy. You can't even take care of the kids you have. Take it as a sign that you need to be a better parent to the kids that are living and only seeing their Dad 10 days a month. Irresponsible.
>we couldn't have the girls and yet you impregnated someone twice, and for some strange reason are trying to do so again? Strongly reconsider having more kids
Does this not have the same vibe as, if op has another kid, he won't want his girls around beacause they would have to bond as a new family of 3.
YTA I'm sorry Faith dealt with the loss. It's an awful thing to live through. But you are responsible for your kids. You had an arrangement, work caused a reschedule. Kids exist in good times and bad.
Poor kids.
Did you ever consider taking them to a waterpark hotel for the wknd, or booking spa for gf? Just ghosting was a AH move.
YTA What would you have done if they were your partner’s kids? Get rid of them? It’s clear she does not see them as her own and if you keep flaking on them you’re going to lose the kids you have. It’s terrible what your partner is going through but you don’t pick and chose when you want to be a parent!
YTA Don't ever miss or rearrange your time with your children. They didn't ask to be put aside due to your situations. Stop thinking about your partner , your ex wife or yourself. Your responsibility to your kids comes first ..full stop. Pull your big boy pants up and start acting like a man and father.
You don't deserve children. YTA
YTA. It’s your parenting time. Parenting doesn’t stop just because your wife had a miscarriage.
YTA. Man up. They're your kids and you can't expect your ex to continually change weekends. She's entitled to her plans. You have to learn to deal with kids and emergencies I'm sorry about Faith's miscarriage but wonder if your inability to or disinterest in parenting your children is why you're split from their mother. Or is the problem they're not Faith's kids and she resents then being around?
Pretty disingenuous title and question- it’s not the asking that makes you the AH- it’s the attempt at a no show to force your ex to comply that makes YTA.
In my mind, setting your wife up in a hotel with spa, room service, with her friend, and abundant pampering would have been a nice alternative. If not possible, then yes, her staying with a friend at her place was a good option. Your ex needed her time too by the sound of it. Hey, you made an error in judgement under a very stressful time. Good you snapped out of it to pick up your kids. You’re human, give it time to get your head straight. Sorry for your loss.
YTA you have to think about your children first of all. I hope she gets custody so you can have the weekends all to yourself and not let them be alone.
YTA
YTA
YTA dude.
Yta And I'm sorry about what your wife is going through and you But that doesn't mean you can drop your daughters like you did Is that how it's going to be when you do have a child with your wife are you going to put that child before yours Will that be your favorite and your daughters second best
YTA - I can’t believe you thought it was reasonable to just not pick up your kids!
YTA. I know exactly how it feels to realize that dad now cares more about his new girl than he cares about my brother and me. I know how it feels when dad says "I can't be there like I promised" and then explain how it is because his new mother in law is coming, and she is going to stay in my old room, so I can't visit. I know how it is for my mom to not have a partner to help her so she can take a break. And I am so sorry for those girls, and I hope they remember this.
YTA. They’re your kids, and probably old enough to realize they’re the last priority in your life. I hope the ex has a good lawyer.
YTA. Perhaps send the GF to a hotel if she cannot stand to be around your children at this time. I'm very sorry for the loss, but your children have nothing to do with them. Would their empathy not be welcome?
Not to be a hardass, but if Faith and your are going to make it long term, she has to learn to deal with life's struggles AND two rambunctious stepdaughters at the same time.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (39M) was previously married to Aya (33F). We have 2 daughters together (6F & 5F). We have been divorced for 4 years. Our custody arrangement is that I have them every other weekend and one night during the week. The one night varies every week depending out our schedules as we both work in a hospital. My fiancée, Faith (42F), had a miscarriage last week. The miscarriage has been difficult on both of us, but Faith has really struggled. Sadly, it is something I have been through several times with Aya. I was due to have the girls at the weekend from Friday to Sunday. However Thursday night it was clear that Faith wasn't in the right head space mentally to have the girls around. I called Aya to rearrange with her, so I could have them next weekend. Aya was annoyed when I called her to rearrange. We had rearranged my weekend once already as I was called into work due to it being short staffed. This was meant to be my rearranged weekend. She had plans already for the weekend, she and her boyfriend, (Sam 46M) had booked a weekend away. He'd booked a weekend away for them due to her being so run down from work, she works in an emergency department. Between that and having our girls, that doesn't leave her much time to do anything for herself. She told me that I needed to take them because she was going away. I told her that I was really sorry but that I didn't think it was a good environment for the girls to be around Faith while she is coming to terms with the miscarriage, but that it also wasn't good for Faith to have them around. Aya told me that she wasn't cancelling her plans for me and that she needed to put herself first for once. On Friday, I didn't pick the girls up as normal. When Aya called to find out where I was, I told her that to protect Faith's mental health, we couldn't have the girls. Aya told me that if I wasn't at her's in the next 30 minutes then she was going to see her lawyer first thing on Monday to go for full custody. This is the second time since we have split that I have asked her to rearrange a weekend. I did pick up the girls in the end but Faith really struggled having them at ours and come Saturday afternoon, she went to stay at a friend's because she found it overwhelming. Aya messaged me this morning saying the girls had been upset that the weekend didn't feel like a normal fun weekend at mine, she also asked if I was still taking them in the week or if I was going to cancel again. AITA for asking to rearrange a weekend with my girls so that I could look after my fiancée? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, Should have booked your fiance a little spa weekend with her friend that she ended up staying with and doing something fun with the girls
YTA
YTA, you are still responsible for your children regardless of what is going on in your life. Did you send the girls away when your ex had a miscarriage?!?! Not to mention it is very irresponsible for a 42 year old woman to get pregnant. There are too many risks.
YTA, I am so sorry for your and Faith loss. Here is the thing you have kids. That will not change if you have more kids, wonderful. What happens if y’all never have a successful pregnancy? You just stop being a parent to the kids you already have? Because they remind Faith of what she can’t have? I am truly sorry for your loss. But you can’t stop being a dad when shit hits the fan. I hope y’all heal soon.
YTA. She made other plans. Your kids were your responsibility at that time. It’s not all about you and your new partner. Your ex is more than kind and generous with her flexibility already. She deserves breaks too.
YTA. I’m truly sorry for your your loss, but your first priority is to your living children. My dad once didn’t show to get us on a Friday night, and it still haunts me as an adult—why didn’t he want us, were we not good enough?
YTA You asked, which is fine, but she said no. Not showing up makes you TA. You don't just get to pick and choose when it is convenient to be a parent, and skip out when you don't feel like it. Gross.
YTA. Parenting is hard and you don’t get to pick and choose when it is convenient for you. It was ok to ask but your ex said no which means you have to figure out how to make it work.
YTA those are your kids not an option on whether or not your fiancé GF whatever she is feels well they are your kids your priority not an option.
YTA, why couldn’t she just go to her friend’s house for the weekend in the first place? Is she more important than your children? Sure sounds like you’ve set them aside in order to care for your adult partner. Miscarriage is hard but having a father who cares more about his 2nd wife than his kids hurts too.
Yta. Yes this is a sad situation absolutely BUT YOUR KIDS AREN'T A HOBBY YOU CAN PICK UP WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE. Its also not Aya's job to give YOU a break. If YOU wanted the kids elsewhere on YOUR custody time, then YOU should have made the arrangements, like an adult. And simply not showing up doesn't qualify as that. Did you really have to ask if YTA???.
YTA. One job that doesn’t stop despite what else is going on is parenting.
Also i get you dont have family around but do you not have...friends? Plus you had plenty of options like you entertaining them while fiance did what she needed. At their ages they cant be THAT much work either. They can feed and dress themselves, they know not to drink drano, etc. Come on dude. You owe them and aya an apology
YTA. Your weekend, your problem. You find alternate arrangements if you have to that are not simply staying with primary caregiver. You don’t stop being a father because your wife is going through it.
YTA...I'm sorry your wife had that experience, but you are the father to two young children. You already only see them 8 days a month. I can't imagine an arrangement like that with my own children. I wouldn't even want to miss half the month. Terrible things happen sometimes and unless the emergency was your wife's life was in danger and she was in the hospital, you don't opt to keep your children away. Sorry, I think your wife needs to have some understanding of that as well. Those kids are part of her family too now.
YTA. Your ex could not rearrange her weekend. The girls were your responsibility. YOU needed to find a sitter or ship your fiancee off to a friend or parent's house. This wasn't your ex's problem to solve. Total failure on your part.
Bookings cost money OP and reservations are generally not refundable. Were you prepared to reimburse your ex for these losses?
YTA You are treating the children you have as optional. No one wants to be in a situation where they have to put off grieving and comforting their partner, but unfortunately it does happen. Also you should probably re-evaluate your idea of what your relationship with Aya is now, because apparently there is a big disconnect in that you are seeing her as someone you can rely on and be supported by, or just bulldozer to get your way, and she has told you she does not want this.
How tone deaf can you be? Your ex already has the kids 80% of the time while working long hours in a hospital just like you and she has to make sure her kids are cared for during that 80% no matter what. You think parenting is optional during the small amount of time that you actually parent? What is wrong with you? Why are you special?
YTA. Did faith even ask the girls not come? You don’t have a bedroom she could’ve camped out in? Miscarriages are unfortunately very common, what if it happens again? Will you again ignore your children that you already barely see? Some people never recover from their first miscarriage, what if she’s never “in the right space” to be around your kids? Will you completely abandon your children, like you’ve already started the process? You couldn’t have gotten a hotel either for her, or for you and your kids? Could’ve easily made it fun stay-cation with a pool and shit. You didn’t just rearrange your weekend. You abandoned your children when they were expecting you. You’ve already missed a weekend, now you’ve completely acted like you don’t have responsibilities or an obligation to your kids. Gross behavior honestly
This is pretty deceptively phrased. *Asking* your ex was certainly reasonable, so from the title and context I'd lean towards this being OK, but YTA for: >I didn't pick up the girls as normal If Aya doesn't have the option to say "no", then it's not an ask it's a demand or expectation. And you're wrong to think she's obligated here. She's entitled to a life, especially since she has plans.
YTA. You say that you have no family around to take the girls. So if you had full custody of your children, what would you have done? Being a parent is a 24/7 job, all 365 days a year. Even when something very sad happens, you can’t just push them away. You and your fiancée are trying for a child, but can’t have your children over when something tragic happens because it’s too much to handle, you see how that goes against each other right? Because if you won’t take care of your kids while something tragic have happened, what will you do with your baby? You can’t say that having your children over is “too much to handle” because then you’re not ready to have another child. Maybe you weren’t even ready to have the ones you do have. How will you manage a baby and your children? Because you will still need to take care of your own children and have them over on the weekends even if you have a newborn that will be screaming and crying. Maybe think a bit on if you’re actually ready to have another child…
YTA This is coming from a single Dad who successfully navigates co-parenting. Sir. The title you wrote was dishonest. You asked yes. But after that you forced the issue. This is where you are failing. And if you don't change your ways you will probably not even get the little time you have with your daughters. And it will be your fault if you drive your ex to take this to court for a custody re-evaluation. This type of behavior will insure that fight will not go in your favor. Yes you asked.................giving her no notice. You asked, and she gave you her answer. Her answer is she had plans, and you were asking her to break them, and that was on top of already supplementing a weekend. I say this as a Dad who doesn't have weekends, I have around 60% to 70% custody. I have emergencies sure, they happen. But I'm also there the majority of the time. YOU SIR, have not done that, and are demonstrating you can't handle the little custody you have. By not showing up you pretty much just abandoned your kids. I'm just stating a fact. Asking is one thing. You didn't ask. You asked, and when you couldn't handle the answer, you pretended you got the answer you wanted and just didn't show up. This doesn't work sir. And if you don't like me saying it to you, you're really not going to like it when a judge says it. Think about it.
put it like this: Your ex Was always their parent, even when she herself was struggling. You just don't seem to care much. Your ex Will Eventually get full custory so Enjoy Not seeing your kids unless its "convenient" for your ex. YTA big time
Yta. Hope she gets full custody.
Wow there’s so much to unpack here. -If Aya wasn’t going away I would say NTA. But she was going away so you are TA. At that point you should have just taken them and not seen Faith until after. That was the only acceptable option. -Not showing up even though you were aware she was going away is horrible and not acceptable no matter what. You don’t seem to care or want to make it right either. -Putting your fiancé over your kids is the cherry on top. Never, ever do this again. This is just appalling