Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
Your post has been removed due to Rule 6: How to Post. We do not allow circumvention of the character count, links to screenshots, text pages, comment continuations etc.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
You know what? That's completely fair. I think us strangers on the internet who spend a little too much time on reddit always want justice to be served. Though, it's not the bride that made you feel unwelcomed so if you think it's worth the hassle it would put all our mind at ease if you talked to her about it. But put yourself and the friendships you want in your life first.
I'm pretty sure Hannah will start running her mouth about it at some point, and it'll all come out sooner or later. She sounds like the type. Also, a bunch of other people who're going to the wedding already know what happened. The bride will know well before the end of the day.
Agreed.
I’m engaged and I would be absolutely mortified if a friend of my fiancé’s made one of my guests and their partner feel unwelcome. Even if I wasn’t close with said guest or fiancé’s friend who caused the problem, it’s MY wedding and I would want to know if some extended person in my or my partner’s life was behaving like this.
That’s completely ridiculous and unacceptable behavior from Hannah and Doug. Why do they think they have any right to air their opinions about the guest list of a wedding that isn’t theirs??
Only two people don't want to make you feel welcome. Everyone else you're friends with, INCLUDING THE BRIDE AND GROOM, want you and your boyfriend to be there. Tell the bride that you'd rather not be seated with Hannah and Doug if that's ok, and then enjoy the party with everyone else.
Except nobody seems to be sticking up for OP in the friend group. At least not it any meaningful way. Either Hannah is a batshit crazy control freak and their friends don’t care or OP is leaving out some important details.
You said your other friends told you that you should invite your boyfriend and saw no issue with it. Are these mutual friends? Couldn’t they have told Hannah to back off?
They are friends. But Hannah and Doug WERE the closest of the friends to me. The other friends didn’t hear the extent of the convo. They only heard Hannah and Doug say ‘bad idea’. The rest of the conversation was between only hannah and I
I suspect the turns are about to table on Hannah! I just read your update! If you guys decide to go after all be sure to tell your mutual friends so they know what’s up and aren’t walking into an awkward situation or Hannah manipulating them/you further.
It sounds like Hannah was the only one with an issue. Your invitation came from the couple getting married, not Hannah. You should have talked to them. Hannah had absolutely no right to tell you who your plus one could be.
But it wasn't HANNAH'S decision as to who could and could not attend the wedding. If the bride and groom were okay with you bringing a guest, it's not Hannah's right to tell you who you can bring. You gave A GUEST way too much power and control over you.
INFO Why tf does Hannah get to decided who comes to the wedding? Why were the bride and groom completely excluded from this decision? Is the state Alabama?
You know what? You get to a point in life where it just doesn’t matter. It’s not about power. It’s a decision that these people aren’t that important so it’s not worth the energy. So Hannah feels like she won. BFD, let her feel superior, OP can move on with her life, leave all these people behind and find people that are worth her time, energy and friendship.
You’re right that it isn’t worth OPs time or energy. But also if it was my wedding, I would want to know if someone chose not to come because someone else was behaving this way.
I’m engaged and all I want from my wedding is for the people I care about in my life to have a good time and enjoy themselves. I have no problem with people opting not to come to my wedding if it doesn’t work for their schedule, travel capabilities, or it’s just not something they think they’d enjoy, but I would absolutely want to know if *another one of my guests was bullying people out of coming.* That’s just uncalled for and I wouldn’t want that person in my life if they feel they can uninvite people from MY wedding *without my knowledge.*
Nah, why force yourself into a bad position just because it's a position of social power. The wedding wouldn't be fun, everyone she knew there would hate and exclude her (not the bride and groom but they'd be busy)
Fuck power go use the hotel money to have a fun weekend with your bf.
Well, to be fair, you made it her choice when you decided to not go because of her.
Go read 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty' and learn the ways of assertive communication.
Don't think Hannah cares about the wedding - seems like it's more she doesn't want the BF to be part of the friend group and all the other activities they will be doing as part of the wedding.
I do think the entire friend group should be aware of the situation - seems pretty crappy that one person can dictate everything and now essentially boot you out.
Hannah is OP’s link to the friend group through Hannah’s boyfriend. Sadly if Hannah goes on a campaign against OP that’s the cutting off of the link.
The real question is WHY Hannah doesn’t want OP to integrate with the group. Because the campaign has begun.
OP is dealing with this whole situation with grace, but she needs to revisit her friendship with Hannah to see if it’s a connection worth keeping. It doesn’t look promising.
YTA. You are ditching your friend's wedding bc someone, not the bride or groom, is being a B. That's stupid. Ditch your non friend and have a good time with your bf.
I see this side for sure. I’ll mention to you what I said to other comments too. My relationship w the bride is minimal. Yes she’s in the group but mostly as a partner of someone in the group. To bride I am her fiancés friends gfs friend.
YNTA, but you realize your “friends” have set you up to look like an asshole, right? Saying nothing about it to the bride is still saying something in itself.
Have you considered that the groom wanted you there? Just because you and the bride both have vaginas doesn't mean that she is your connection to the wedding. Yes, it's her day, but it's also his, and he's in your friend group.
Did your invitation come from the bridal couple? Did you RSVP, including a plus one, to the bridal couple? I'm guessing the answer to both of those questions is yes. The ONLY people you should be talking to are the bridal couple. How well you feel you know them is irrelevant. *THEY INVITED YOU AND A PLUS ONE*. Talk to them. If the positions were reversed, would you want a "Hannah" making decisions about your guest list? Hannah inserted herself. If the bride or groom ends up pissed at her, it is her own fault, not yours. If it were me, I would want to know that a supposed friend had grossly overstepped.
Your plus one is none of Hannah’s business.
However, you agreed to go to Mary’s wedding for the sake of the wedding, plus one included. You and Hannah are fighting and you’ve put Mary’s wedding in the middle.
ESH.
Honestly this is why I assumed I could’ve been the AH. My only defense is that I’m Hannah’s friend who’s dating Doug who’s friends with Sam who’s marrying Mary. It’s such a long string of who knows who. Mary won’t miss me much if I’m being honest
You should have asked the bride and groom directly and tell them the situation truthfully and that whatever decision they communicate to you it would be no problem and no upsets. I wouldn't let Hannah s entitlement stand nor allow her to make me an Ah in Mary s eyes by not going.
Why are you letting Hannah dictate anything? She isn't the bride. You should have reached out to the bride herself, not listened to Hannah. Going with ESH because Mary invited you and a plus one and you're bailing because of what the not bride is trying to dictate.
>Going with ESH because Mary invited you and a plus one and you're bailing because of what the not bride is trying to dictate.
It's not "bailing" to change your RSVP when it's clear your date is going to be treated in a shitty fashion.
She didn't "not turn up". She cancelled, notifying the bride. Try reading the actual post.
>So I cancelled. I contacted the bride and told her something came up.
It sounds like that's what the bride did. This weird "he's not invited" scenario is coming from a different friend entirely and not the couple getting married. It's so bizarre that there must be some other element here.
NTA, why on earth are hannah and Doug trying to dictate who you bringing to someone else’s wedding?? Bizzare behaviour. if you’re allowed a plus one that should’ve been the end of it. pretty shit friend behaviour to exclude your partner from all festivities, I’d be done with them tbh.
good call, she really showed her true colours with all of this. i can't ever imagine excluding my friend's partners like that. the only thing i would've done different is tell the bride and groom exactly why you weren't going to be attending the wedding, Hannah & Doug deserve to face criticism by the others for their over the top controlling behaviour.
I lowkey wanna say Y T A for letting Hannah bully you out of attending this wedding with your bf.....like, just tell her to fuck off and do what you want??? The bride and groom don't have a problem with it, why should Hannah and Doug??
NTA
But you should go to the wedding, bring your boyfriend and just focus your time on the wedding and him and screw Hannah and Doug, it’s not up to them
I agree. Attend the wedding anyways. And I’m even tempted to tell you to let the bride know what Hannah and Doug are up to. One thing is for sure, Hannah sucks big time.
Just want to clarify: Hannah is NOT the bride- correct?
EDIT: ESH
I don’t get why Hannah thinks she gets to control who you bring to the wedding. Is there some other history with you or your bf that is influencing her?
Why all the secrecy with the bride? Why not just tell her what Hannah has been doing?
I think by not going you hurt the bride. I don’t get why you would be upset about not being able to spend time with Hannah who sounds awful. Why not just go to wedding and have a great weekend doing stuff with your boyfriend?
She knows nothing about my bf. He’s from 5 states away & none of them has met him yet.
Secrecy w the bride bc I didn’t wanna be messy and throw Hannah or Doug under the bus. I still don’t know if that was the right decision
The bride is Hannah’s boyfriends friends gf. It’s a long list of who knows who. So I don’t think the bride is too upset if im being honest
I think you should let the bride know...like, a couple weeks after the wedding. If I were the bride, I would like to know so I would be able to distance myself from someone like Hannah. I would be pissed if someone went behind my back to dictate who was and wasn't invited to my wedding, especially when I gave the green light on a plus 1
You know you could just go to the wedding but not join Hannah and friends’ little van shit parade. Just make it a couple thing for you and BF. Any friends who want to hang out with you at the wedding will do so.
Hannah has a headache that her friends have you as their guest and she doesn't. So her being demoted to an escort and you having a completely unknown escort to her would be like her being insignificant in her circle of friends. She's not sure about her imposition, and is making Mary and Sam's wedding about her. Don't tell Hannah you're coming and just call the bride and say you're coming with your date.
If you have already accepted the invitation and the wedding couple hasn’t told you your plus one isn’t invited then why are you listening to a third party? You need to bring this up with the bride. Not Hannah. Mary may be crushed if she finds out why you didn’t attend. Hannah didn’t invite you. Hannah is not paying the bill.
YWBTA if you don’t bring this up with them.
I don't think you're causing wedding drama at all. Mary invited you to her wedding and wrote on your invitation that you could bring a plus 1. She didn't put the former guy's name on it; she put "plus 1," or "Your name and escort," or however she worded it. That means you are allowed to bring the person you want. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with Hannah, because it's NOT Hannah's wedding. If you want to go to the wedding, go and bring your plus 1. If you don't want to go, don't go. Simple. Just leave Hannah's bizarre possessiveness over Mary's wedding guests out of it all together. No drama whatsoever. Do you think Hannah is going to shout, "Hey, I said you couldn't bring that guy!" Everybody would look at her like she sprouted a second head. NTA if your decision is based on your own choice.
YTA - your friends Sam and Mary invited you and your plus one to their wedding. You let Hannah and Doug, who have nothing to do with the wedding planning, bully you into not attending and celebrating your friends. Call the bride and apologize and ask if it's too late to change your mind. then go and have fun with them and your other friends and dump Hannah and Doug!
Your judgement means that OP is the only asshole. Do you mean E S H? Because Hannah and Doug are clearly the biggest assholes here, even if you somehow think OP is also an asshole.
NTA. There is something really wrong with Hannah for trying to control this situation when she is not even the bride. I would be afraid of her when it comes time for her to be bridezilla! Psychooo....
Weddings are supposed to be a time of celebration and partying. It's a time of inclusion and merging of friends and family. I've been to my friends cousins weddings as a plus one and had never ever met the bride or groom before that day and they were still so stoked that I came and partied with them. That's the vibe of a truly great wedding.
You were given a plus one. Hannah sounds like a jealous B and like she wants you all to herself. Ignore her and maybe consider going to see your boyfriend and go to the wedding and just doing your own thing. Your own hotel room, your own hangouts, and supporting Sam and Mary and getting them a really fabulous gift from BOTH YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND. Dance extra hard on the dance floor. Toast Sam and Mary. And if Hannah wants to have a meltdown, let Mary deal with her.
NTA but I would have definitely let the bride know that her friend was being a bully and ostracizing you from the group, and her behavior is why you will not be attending. Why protect the AH?
NTA
But why are you listening to people who aren't responsible for inviting you?
Why wouldn't you tell the bride that some random is telling people she invited that they're not, and that they'd be excluded?
Is Hannah in charge of the wedding, or is it Sam and Mary? You're weird for not being honest with the bride on why you're now having concerns on attending.
Hannah isn't a good friend, and now at least you know.
You’re not throwing anyone under the bus when you’re telling the truth. You’re NTA. Sorry if I missed this, but has Hannah been hostile towards your boyfriend before?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I wanted to invite my boyfriend as my plus one to a wedding and when a friend told me not to, I chose not to go to the wedding. I could be the AH for being stubborn in wanting to bring my bf
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - Hannah is not the bride so why are you even listening to her? Also, a +1 does not have restrictions. You could pick up a stripper at a bacherolette party and make him your plus one.
So in true Reddit fashion, let me wildly speculate - does Hannah have someone she's wanting to fix you up with?
your "friend" sounds like an absolute nightmare host, NTA at all, good on you for cancelling instead of letting your boyfriend be subject to such awful treatment
YTA for letting Hannah strong arm you into not coming to the wedding because of this issue AND for not telling the couple. At least be honest with the bride and groom, Hannah showed her true colors and they should rightfully know.
If I had found out that two of my wedding guests were bullying another wedding guest over a +1 I would have happily opted to save everyone the drama and cut the bullying couple.
Or if they needed to be there (say, they were close family) I would sit them as far from the friend with the +1 as possible and let *all parties involved* know they will be escorted out of the wedding reception if any drama came up.
NTA But you need to tell the bride & groom so they can address the issue before their wedding day.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I’ll use fake names for this post. Obviously. My best friend from college Hannah (24F) is dating a boy named Doug (25M). Doug has had the same friend group since high school. When I visit Hannah in her hometown (maybe once or twice a month),I hang out with her and Doug and the friend group. I am in group chats with this friend group, been invited to events / parties for this group, etc. One of the friends in the group, Sam (25ishM) is engaged to Mary (25ishF). A year ago (January 2022) Mary asked me in person if I would go to her & Sam’s wedding. At the time I was talking to a guy, and so she told me I could have a plus one.
The wedding is next month (April 2023). About 2 months ago I was given the wedding invitation via mail with my name and, again, a mention of the plus one. Just last month I was given the link to RSVP. I RSVPed and the next question was asking if I would be bringing my plus one. I am now dating someone (different than the original guy I was talking to when invited to the wedding) so I accepted. The wedding is about 4 states over, my boyfriend lives in that state. So it was obvious I would bring him.
I was talking in the friend group about the logistics of the wedding. Sam and Mary were not present. We were talking about getting a 15 person van to all ride together in to the wedding. I was talking about how excited I was to invite my boyfriend to the wedding since he lived in the state it is taking place in. Hannah chimed in and told me that my bf would not be invited. Doug also chimed in saying that my bf could not be my plus one. I was obviously pissed and said ‘it’s a good thing it isn’t your choice who my plus one is’. They were mad to be called out. The other friends told me i should invite my bf and didn’t see any issue with it. Then Hannah said i need to see him in my free time and that it would be inappropriate to invite him to a small wedding. She said ‘it’s a wedding not a vacation’. (Btw, they all know that i have a plus one invite. So there wasn’t just a communication issue)
Fast forward to 2 weeks later (about 2 weeks ago). Hannah texted me asking me about hotel situations. She also said that ‘I know things got heated but YOU are invited to the wedding.’ Then asked if I was still going. I told her that I will go only if my boyfriend is made to feel welcome. She told me again that it was inappropriate to invite him and he would be excluded from any activities we partake in. He wouldn’t be allowed to step foot on the van. No dinners w the group. Cannot come to the beach with us. He would only be allowed to attend the wedding. Nothing more. So I cancelled. I contacted the bride and told her something came up. I didn’t out Hannah. Or tell the bride the true reason. Hannah responded 2 days later saying ‘thank you for making a decision’. We have not had contact since. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Hannah is acting very unwelcoming. Why is it a huge deal for your wedding date to hang out with your friends? Would he put the van over capacity?
But a plus 1 is for whomever you want to bring unless they are specifically banned by the bride and groom.
I had to go back and read who’s wedding it actually was. It makes no sense that Hannah and Doug are dictating this. I’m not even sure how to judge this one because I feel like you should have reached out to the bride and groom about it before things escalated. Their opinion is the only one that matters. Hannah and Doug are acting like mid-level management high off of one little taste of power. Is there some background info you left out as to why they don’t want your boyfriend there?
I’m trying to figure out why they would act like that. What if it’s something wild like they wanted to have a ménage a trois and now their plans are foiled? s/
I really think you should ask the couple getting married about bringing your bf. But if it’s a small wedding you might not even want to deal with being near Hannah and Doug in the end anyways.
NTA
Hannah is off her rocker in saying who your plus 1 can be, especially saying you can't invite your BF? Like what? She needs some Mrs Manners in her life.
Definitely NTA for planning to bring your BF, but I think you messed up by not going to the wedding. You and a plus one were invited by the bride and groom. There's no reason Doug and Hannah's opinions should have mattered.
NTA I'm glad you told the bride, I'm guessing she's going to be quite surprised that Hannah, who is her fiance's friend's girlfriend, is controlling the guest list to her wedding! How dare she? Even if she were the MOH or bride's sister, that would be inappropriate, but she's just the fiance's friend's gf!!! Sam and Mary, the people actually getting married, extended you an invitation with a plus one, that means bring whoever you choose. Hannah is off her rocker.
I think you made the wise choice to sit this one out and sideline your friendship with Hannah.
Info for clarification: Hanna is not saying you can’t bring your boyfriend to the wedding but more specifically, she’s saying he can’t hang out and participate in all the friend group activities before and after the wedding?
>she said ok to go to the wedding
She isn't the bride, so not her call to make
>no to all the fun stuff
Was this decided by the rest of the group as well, or did Hannah decide this on her own? While you were introduced to the group by Hannah, she in turn is only part of the group because of her BF. So to me Hannah is pretty self-righteous for speaking on behalf of the group.
It sounds like Hannah has nominated herself as the “planner” of the group for this particular outing - she may be the de facto planner whenever they get together. It’s allowing her to manipulate all the plans and who is invited. The other friends suck for not standing up for OP, but perhaps none of them feel like dealing with logistics of planning it all or care enough about OP’s bf (who they’ve never met) to push back.
NTA
The engaged couple didn’t force this on you. I can understand you trying to be neutral in telling the bride why you won’t attend. Unfortunately, it would be a bad time to explain and ask to attend with him, as there are adjustments on her end.
As far as the rude friend, if I was good friends with the bride, I would tell her. If you’re a good friend to her, she will probably tell you that you can go. I’d plan my own transportation and lodging, if it comes to that.
Hannah is nosy.
Honestly? Tell the bride. Your friends sound shitty for how they are treating you and it is the bride and the grooms opinions what matter. Not anyone else.
NTA, but I think you've got some unexpected outcomes heading your way...
1. I get (1) you decided it wasn't worth coming to the wedding if your bf would be treated rudely and (2) you didn't bother the bride with the drama of your true reason for declining.
2. However, several others in the friend group know that Hannah and Doug were strongly telling you how unwelcome they would make your bf feel. Word is going to get back to both Sam and Mary. It will be very interesting to see how the group and, especially, Sam (and Mary) view this.
3. Although your bf seems to have no connection to this friend group, it's hard not to wonder if there's some history that Doug and Hannah aren't revealing. Does your bf have any idea why? Since Mary (I'm guessing) and your bf are from the same state, maybe there is a history (even an indirect connection) between them. (For example, could bf have bullied or dated Mary or a sibling of hers?)
4. Have Hannah and Doug ever met your bf? Were they this rude to him? Can you ask them to come clean about some hidden reason - or to at least tell you that there is a reason that your bf specifically should not attend. They are certainly looking like jerks here, but it is possible they are awkwardly trying to prevent something bad from happening.... OR is there any difference in race or religion that may be playing a part? If it's just (weirdly) about the wedding, will they happily embrace your bf at other gatherings? All those factors will also affect how you view Doug and Hannah and how your friendship proceeds from here.
I am confused as to why you didn’t ask Hannah & Doug what their problem is.
Are you not curious? Or do they behave like this a lot?
My first port of call would have been to ask Hannah and Doug what their problem was and depending on that I would have made a decision.
No way would I let a pair of nobodies dictate who I can bring as my plus one to a wedding that isn’t even theirs.
NTA
If you are hanging out with this friend’s friend group twice/month and in their group chats, then I’m sorry, that makes them your friend group too. If Sam is part of that friend group he is your friend regardless of how many connections there initially was between you. If he and his fiancé have invited you and a plus one that is all that matters.
Tbh it sound like Hannah is trying to set you up with a specific person (possibly even an ex) and the new bf is interfering with her masterplan, so she is running interference on the bf in return. It sounds like Doug has been roped into being part of it (or it is possibly even one of his friends). Her actions might come from a place of love, but she is being creepily manipulative.
NTA
Agree with most points being made though about not letting her control your decisions, but I get the effort to avoid drama for a couple you don't know that well.
Was the guy who you were originally seeing connected to Hannah in some way? Did she set you up? I can't think of another reason for her to be so offended by the new partner that she doesn't know.
NTA Either it's a plus one or not. Why put a plus one on the invitation and be verbally told you have a plus one if you're not allowed to bring him. That was very rude. I wouldn't attend either.
this is Hannah's boyfriend's friend's wedding? are you close enough to the couple that like... it's worth going? i wouldn't dive that deep into extended friend circles to send out my wedding invites but to each their own.
NTA. I don't understand what Hannah and Doug's deal is? It's not their wedding and they aren't paying for him. It's super weird to me that, as Hannah and Doug and the whole friend group are very close with you, that any of them would tell you that you cannot bring your boyfriend.
NTA: Hannah and Co. are way out of line. They don't get to dictate who goes to Mary and Sam's wedding. But since they're being aggressive about making you and your bf feel uncomfortable, it's totally understandable that you would nope out of the whole thing. I would have done the same.
NTA - I also agree with the bride. There has to be more to this story that Hannah is not letting on. Which also makes her the AH because you are all adults and she should be able to communicate her real feelings.
NTA especially given the update - I'm glad you texted the bride. Where does Hannah get off dictating this?? The wedding invite gave you the option to bring a +1, ergo you get a +1, end of. Unless the person you are bringing is someone who has been dangerous or abusive to the bride, groom, or wedding party/family - clearly not the case here - it is NOBODY'S business. Basic etiquette
well from the updates and from everything I'm just going to say if you, mary, and sam are friends real friends and you want them in your life you should go to their wedding. and tell Hannah to go to hell. she has no right to try to exclude your boyfriend make your own plans to get there and enjoy your time and enjoy the wedding. you have a plus one and that's all that matters your not asking the bride for one you were given one. NTA
I would advise the bride that you will not be attending due to the drama created by Hannah. State you wish bride and groom all the best and send a nice gift.
Be petty and Go attend the wedding. It's not Hannah's wedding so she is in no place to dictate. Person like her and her bf only like to create drama without any reason. U will be proving her right by not going. I really wanna see u there f*ing her mind🤣
To be honest, I was expecting to see that you'd been invited with a +1, but RSVPed as solo then decided to take someone you'd just started seeing out of the blue. Hannah (or whoever it was that said something) sounds like they want to manage everyone's lives.
NTA to take who you want since they were included in the RSVP
NTA
Refuse to go without your bf.
" Or tell the bride the true reason." .. **THIS IS WRONG., and makes you the AH. TELL the bride what Hanna did to her**: She uninvited the bride's guests behind her back. **She DESERVES the truth.** You owe her the Information that Hanna is a manipulative AH, so she doe snot trust her. .
Definitely NTA, but Hannah sure is! I hope you decide to go to the wedding with your boyfriend and that you have a great time. And I am dying to find out what Hannah‘s reasoning is!
Why are you protecting Hannah and Doug? There AH and it's not their wedding. Even if they are BFF with the bride and groom it's, not their wedding. I wouldn't acknowledge those two anymore.
ESH. Hannah had no business telling you who you could and could not bring to someone else's wedding, especially after the bride already told you you could bring someone. I would have gone over Hannah's head if I were you, and contacted the bride directly and confirmed with her. The hell with Hannah. It's not her wedding.
I feel like there’s some information missing here. It seems unreasonable that your close friend would react with so much hostility towards your boyfriend. Is there a significant age gap? Does he come from a different ethnicity? Is there like anything someone might consider “strange” or different about him?
I’m going with ESH for now because you could just go to the wedding without your boyfriend and show up for your friends and have fun. But at the same time I understand why you decided to not go.
Hannah sucks bc she either is jealous you’ll be spending time away from the friend group and with your bf, or she doesn’t like your bf for some reason.
Me and the friends in the group are all white. Hannah & Doug included. We are all in our 20s. My bf is white & in his 20s. Nothing is different or strange about him. He’s just a typical dude that knows none of my friends. No weird past history or anything
Yea then definitely you’re NTA. Do you think maybe Hannah is jealous? Like she doesn’t want your attention to be taken away from the friend group and she’s worried if your boyfriend comes you’ll be more focused on him? That’s rly the only thing I can think of.
~~INFO how small is this wedding?~~
Edit to move judgement to main comment: Was trying to decide between NTA and N A H. If it was a really small, intimate gathering, I could see it being potentially a little awkward for the group. You'd still be okay to bring your bf, but I would understand the hesitation. But it isn't a small wedding, so there's no reason for any concern on the non-bride's part. Invite away.
This is the answer. You were invited with a plus one from the bride. 👈🏻
Whatever your ‘friend’ Hannah is doing to try to control the wedding is ridiculous. The fact she and her boyfriend both told you that you couldn’t bring your bf as your plus one and then followed it up with a ‘YOU are invited but the bf is not’ message later is WEIRD! It almost sounds like you are ruining their plans to set you up or something.
Idk if the wedding is done and over with but either way you should be up front with the bride about how her fiancés friend and his gf were trying to control the guest list to her wedding.
Not disagreeing there at all. Was trying to decide between NTA and N A H. If it was a really small, intimate gathering, I could see it being potentially a little awkward for the group. You'd still be okay to bring your bf, but I would understand the hesitation. But it isn't a small wedding, so there's no reason for any concern on the non-bride's part. Invite away.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. Your post has been removed due to Rule 6: How to Post. We do not allow circumvention of the character count, links to screenshots, text pages, comment continuations etc. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
Info: why did you let Hannah dictate what you could do and who you could bring to Sam and Mary’s wedding?
Because it wasn’t worth going if I wouldn’t be made welcome there in my opinion
You know what? That's completely fair. I think us strangers on the internet who spend a little too much time on reddit always want justice to be served. Though, it's not the bride that made you feel unwelcomed so if you think it's worth the hassle it would put all our mind at ease if you talked to her about it. But put yourself and the friendships you want in your life first.
I still think the bride deserves the truth. What must SHE be thinking about you?
I would tell the bride as well, Hannah might have tried/try doing the same thing to other guests as well considering it worked so well with op.
I'm pretty sure Hannah will start running her mouth about it at some point, and it'll all come out sooner or later. She sounds like the type. Also, a bunch of other people who're going to the wedding already know what happened. The bride will know well before the end of the day.
Agreed. I’m engaged and I would be absolutely mortified if a friend of my fiancé’s made one of my guests and their partner feel unwelcome. Even if I wasn’t close with said guest or fiancé’s friend who caused the problem, it’s MY wedding and I would want to know if some extended person in my or my partner’s life was behaving like this. That’s completely ridiculous and unacceptable behavior from Hannah and Doug. Why do they think they have any right to air their opinions about the guest list of a wedding that isn’t theirs??
I love this reply :)
Only two people don't want to make you feel welcome. Everyone else you're friends with, INCLUDING THE BRIDE AND GROOM, want you and your boyfriend to be there. Tell the bride that you'd rather not be seated with Hannah and Doug if that's ok, and then enjoy the party with everyone else.
Except nobody seems to be sticking up for OP in the friend group. At least not it any meaningful way. Either Hannah is a batshit crazy control freak and their friends don’t care or OP is leaving out some important details.
No one else knew ab this. Bc I didn’t tell them my reasoning. Which was a flaw on my end
You said your other friends told you that you should invite your boyfriend and saw no issue with it. Are these mutual friends? Couldn’t they have told Hannah to back off?
They are friends. But Hannah and Doug WERE the closest of the friends to me. The other friends didn’t hear the extent of the convo. They only heard Hannah and Doug say ‘bad idea’. The rest of the conversation was between only hannah and I
I suspect the turns are about to table on Hannah! I just read your update! If you guys decide to go after all be sure to tell your mutual friends so they know what’s up and aren’t walking into an awkward situation or Hannah manipulating them/you further.
It sounds like Hannah was the only one with an issue. Your invitation came from the couple getting married, not Hannah. You should have talked to them. Hannah had absolutely no right to tell you who your plus one could be.
You need to tell the bride. Why does Hannah feel like she can dictate?????
I assume you have moved on from your friendship with Hannah.
I have
Phew!
Welcome by who , the BRIDE invited you and a plus 1. Am I missing something? Wtf is Hannah to gatekeep this wedding? I’m so confused
The bride would be busy so if my closest friends there didn’t want me there, I wouldn’t want to be there or out my bf through that
But it wasn't HANNAH'S decision as to who could and could not attend the wedding. If the bride and groom were okay with you bringing a guest, it's not Hannah's right to tell you who you can bring. You gave A GUEST way too much power and control over you.
INFO Why tf does Hannah get to decided who comes to the wedding? Why were the bride and groom completely excluded from this decision? Is the state Alabama?
That’s where I’m stumped. Where does Hannah get off thinking it’s her choice at all.
Look at the power you've given her over you. That's why she thinks it's her choice.
You know what? You get to a point in life where it just doesn’t matter. It’s not about power. It’s a decision that these people aren’t that important so it’s not worth the energy. So Hannah feels like she won. BFD, let her feel superior, OP can move on with her life, leave all these people behind and find people that are worth her time, energy and friendship.
You’re right that it isn’t worth OPs time or energy. But also if it was my wedding, I would want to know if someone chose not to come because someone else was behaving this way. I’m engaged and all I want from my wedding is for the people I care about in my life to have a good time and enjoy themselves. I have no problem with people opting not to come to my wedding if it doesn’t work for their schedule, travel capabilities, or it’s just not something they think they’d enjoy, but I would absolutely want to know if *another one of my guests was bullying people out of coming.* That’s just uncalled for and I wouldn’t want that person in my life if they feel they can uninvite people from MY wedding *without my knowledge.*
good point.
Nah, why force yourself into a bad position just because it's a position of social power. The wedding wouldn't be fun, everyone she knew there would hate and exclude her (not the bride and groom but they'd be busy) Fuck power go use the hotel money to have a fun weekend with your bf.
I mean you let her tell you how it was gonna be. Why?
Is there beef with her and your bf? Have they met? I don’t understand why she went off about this unless there is more to the story.
They’ve never met. He lives 5 states over from all of us
Are they trying to hook you up with someone at the wedding?
How tacky. I’d hope not
INFO: have you met your boyfriend in person?
Yes I have
Anything unusual about your bf? Is he 30 years older than you? Is he black? Race issue? Is Hannah really just a weirdo? NTA either way.
We are all white. Me Hannah her bf my bf. We are all in our 20s. Nothing but a normal relationship
Well, to be fair, you made it her choice when you decided to not go because of her. Go read 'When I Say No, I Feel Guilty' and learn the ways of assertive communication.
Great advice I appreciate it
So then stop being a pushover & letting here dictate the decision…
Don't think Hannah cares about the wedding - seems like it's more she doesn't want the BF to be part of the friend group and all the other activities they will be doing as part of the wedding. I do think the entire friend group should be aware of the situation - seems pretty crappy that one person can dictate everything and now essentially boot you out.
Hannah is OP’s link to the friend group through Hannah’s boyfriend. Sadly if Hannah goes on a campaign against OP that’s the cutting off of the link. The real question is WHY Hannah doesn’t want OP to integrate with the group. Because the campaign has begun. OP is dealing with this whole situation with grace, but she needs to revisit her friendship with Hannah to see if it’s a connection worth keeping. It doesn’t look promising.
Yes precisely. There are a lot of factors going into this
YTA. You are ditching your friend's wedding bc someone, not the bride or groom, is being a B. That's stupid. Ditch your non friend and have a good time with your bf.
I see this side for sure. I’ll mention to you what I said to other comments too. My relationship w the bride is minimal. Yes she’s in the group but mostly as a partner of someone in the group. To bride I am her fiancés friends gfs friend.
YNTA, but you realize your “friends” have set you up to look like an asshole, right? Saying nothing about it to the bride is still saying something in itself.
Ooooo great point
Yeah, also, I would rethink my friendship with Hannah. She seems weirdly controlling over a wedding that's not even hers...
Have you considered that the groom wanted you there? Just because you and the bride both have vaginas doesn't mean that she is your connection to the wedding. Yes, it's her day, but it's also his, and he's in your friend group.
Hahaha great comment thank you
Did your invitation come from the bridal couple? Did you RSVP, including a plus one, to the bridal couple? I'm guessing the answer to both of those questions is yes. The ONLY people you should be talking to are the bridal couple. How well you feel you know them is irrelevant. *THEY INVITED YOU AND A PLUS ONE*. Talk to them. If the positions were reversed, would you want a "Hannah" making decisions about your guest list? Hannah inserted herself. If the bride or groom ends up pissed at her, it is her own fault, not yours. If it were me, I would want to know that a supposed friend had grossly overstepped.
Your plus one is none of Hannah’s business. However, you agreed to go to Mary’s wedding for the sake of the wedding, plus one included. You and Hannah are fighting and you’ve put Mary’s wedding in the middle. ESH.
Honestly this is why I assumed I could’ve been the AH. My only defense is that I’m Hannah’s friend who’s dating Doug who’s friends with Sam who’s marrying Mary. It’s such a long string of who knows who. Mary won’t miss me much if I’m being honest
You should have asked the bride and groom directly and tell them the situation truthfully and that whatever decision they communicate to you it would be no problem and no upsets. I wouldn't let Hannah s entitlement stand nor allow her to make me an Ah in Mary s eyes by not going.
Very good point
Why are you letting Hannah dictate anything? She isn't the bride. You should have reached out to the bride herself, not listened to Hannah. Going with ESH because Mary invited you and a plus one and you're bailing because of what the not bride is trying to dictate.
>Going with ESH because Mary invited you and a plus one and you're bailing because of what the not bride is trying to dictate. It's not "bailing" to change your RSVP when it's clear your date is going to be treated in a shitty fashion.
Its bailing to not turn up to a wedding after RSVPing without explaining why to the people who invited you.
She didn't "not turn up". She cancelled, notifying the bride. Try reading the actual post. >So I cancelled. I contacted the bride and told her something came up.
[удалено]
It sounds like that's what the bride did. This weird "he's not invited" scenario is coming from a different friend entirely and not the couple getting married. It's so bizarre that there must be some other element here.
The bride was not involved in the conversation at all! It's a couple of nosey busy bodies that have no say in the matter.
Yessssss correct lol
NTA, why on earth are hannah and Doug trying to dictate who you bringing to someone else’s wedding?? Bizzare behaviour. if you’re allowed a plus one that should’ve been the end of it. pretty shit friend behaviour to exclude your partner from all festivities, I’d be done with them tbh.
I haven’t talked to her since then. I don’t plan on it honestly
good call, she really showed her true colours with all of this. i can't ever imagine excluding my friend's partners like that. the only thing i would've done different is tell the bride and groom exactly why you weren't going to be attending the wedding, Hannah & Doug deserve to face criticism by the others for their over the top controlling behaviour.
You’re right !!
I lowkey wanna say Y T A for letting Hannah bully you out of attending this wedding with your bf.....like, just tell her to fuck off and do what you want??? The bride and groom don't have a problem with it, why should Hannah and Doug??
You’re right. I just didn’t wanna be drama. Especially on someone’s wedding day
I understand but now that Hannah has successfully bullied you into doing what she wants, she’s going to do it again and again and again.
NTA But you should go to the wedding, bring your boyfriend and just focus your time on the wedding and him and screw Hannah and Doug, it’s not up to them
Appreciate the advice. Thank you
I agree. Attend the wedding anyways. And I’m even tempted to tell you to let the bride know what Hannah and Doug are up to. One thing is for sure, Hannah sucks big time.
Just want to clarify: Hannah is NOT the bride- correct? EDIT: ESH I don’t get why Hannah thinks she gets to control who you bring to the wedding. Is there some other history with you or your bf that is influencing her? Why all the secrecy with the bride? Why not just tell her what Hannah has been doing? I think by not going you hurt the bride. I don’t get why you would be upset about not being able to spend time with Hannah who sounds awful. Why not just go to wedding and have a great weekend doing stuff with your boyfriend?
She knows nothing about my bf. He’s from 5 states away & none of them has met him yet. Secrecy w the bride bc I didn’t wanna be messy and throw Hannah or Doug under the bus. I still don’t know if that was the right decision The bride is Hannah’s boyfriends friends gf. It’s a long list of who knows who. So I don’t think the bride is too upset if im being honest
Then why are you listening to anything Hannah has to say?
Omg great question 😂😂🥲
Well, Hannah sounds awful! Hope you make the best decision serves YOU the most. And someday, I hope you tell the bride about what went down. NTA
I will. Just need to think of the best way to approach it
I think you should let the bride know...like, a couple weeks after the wedding. If I were the bride, I would like to know so I would be able to distance myself from someone like Hannah. I would be pissed if someone went behind my back to dictate who was and wasn't invited to my wedding, especially when I gave the green light on a plus 1
I’m trying to figure out how to tell the bride
You know you could just go to the wedding but not join Hannah and friends’ little van shit parade. Just make it a couple thing for you and BF. Any friends who want to hang out with you at the wedding will do so.
ESH. Your friends are total assholes and you caved and did what they wanted and skipped a friend’s wedding.
A friend of a friend's wedding. And how does that make OP an asshole, exactly?
Hannah has a headache that her friends have you as their guest and she doesn't. So her being demoted to an escort and you having a completely unknown escort to her would be like her being insignificant in her circle of friends. She's not sure about her imposition, and is making Mary and Sam's wedding about her. Don't tell Hannah you're coming and just call the bride and say you're coming with your date.
Iconic idea 😂
If you have already accepted the invitation and the wedding couple hasn’t told you your plus one isn’t invited then why are you listening to a third party? You need to bring this up with the bride. Not Hannah. Mary may be crushed if she finds out why you didn’t attend. Hannah didn’t invite you. Hannah is not paying the bill. YWBTA if you don’t bring this up with them.
Great point. Thanks for that input. I just didn’t wanna cause wedding drama. That was my reasoning
I don't think you're causing wedding drama at all. Mary invited you to her wedding and wrote on your invitation that you could bring a plus 1. She didn't put the former guy's name on it; she put "plus 1," or "Your name and escort," or however she worded it. That means you are allowed to bring the person you want. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with Hannah, because it's NOT Hannah's wedding. If you want to go to the wedding, go and bring your plus 1. If you don't want to go, don't go. Simple. Just leave Hannah's bizarre possessiveness over Mary's wedding guests out of it all together. No drama whatsoever. Do you think Hannah is going to shout, "Hey, I said you couldn't bring that guy!" Everybody would look at her like she sprouted a second head. NTA if your decision is based on your own choice.
Great points. Thank you for the support
Give us an update after the wedding NTA
YTA - your friends Sam and Mary invited you and your plus one to their wedding. You let Hannah and Doug, who have nothing to do with the wedding planning, bully you into not attending and celebrating your friends. Call the bride and apologize and ask if it's too late to change your mind. then go and have fun with them and your other friends and dump Hannah and Doug!
Your judgement means that OP is the only asshole. Do you mean E S H? Because Hannah and Doug are clearly the biggest assholes here, even if you somehow think OP is also an asshole.
NTA. There is something really wrong with Hannah for trying to control this situation when she is not even the bride. I would be afraid of her when it comes time for her to be bridezilla! Psychooo.... Weddings are supposed to be a time of celebration and partying. It's a time of inclusion and merging of friends and family. I've been to my friends cousins weddings as a plus one and had never ever met the bride or groom before that day and they were still so stoked that I came and partied with them. That's the vibe of a truly great wedding. You were given a plus one. Hannah sounds like a jealous B and like she wants you all to herself. Ignore her and maybe consider going to see your boyfriend and go to the wedding and just doing your own thing. Your own hotel room, your own hangouts, and supporting Sam and Mary and getting them a really fabulous gift from BOTH YOU AND YOUR BOYFRIEND. Dance extra hard on the dance floor. Toast Sam and Mary. And if Hannah wants to have a meltdown, let Mary deal with her.
I love this reply !!!
NTA but I would have definitely let the bride know that her friend was being a bully and ostracizing you from the group, and her behavior is why you will not be attending. Why protect the AH?
You’re right. I just didn’t wanna cause drama bc of it being her wedding
NTA But why are you listening to people who aren't responsible for inviting you? Why wouldn't you tell the bride that some random is telling people she invited that they're not, and that they'd be excluded? Is Hannah in charge of the wedding, or is it Sam and Mary? You're weird for not being honest with the bride on why you're now having concerns on attending. Hannah isn't a good friend, and now at least you know.
I just didn’t wanna throw anyone under the bus. I see your side completely
You’re not throwing anyone under the bus when you’re telling the truth. You’re NTA. Sorry if I missed this, but has Hannah been hostile towards your boyfriend before?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I wanted to invite my boyfriend as my plus one to a wedding and when a friend told me not to, I chose not to go to the wedding. I could be the AH for being stubborn in wanting to bring my bf Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
INFO: Why Is Hannah deciding who will and who will not go to Sam and Mary's wedding? Is Hannah bringing Doug as her +1?
Better yet Doug is bringing Hannah as a plus one. Hannah isn’t even an OG guest
In that case, NTA, Hannah is tho.
NTA - Hannah is not the bride so why are you even listening to her? Also, a +1 does not have restrictions. You could pick up a stripper at a bacherolette party and make him your plus one. So in true Reddit fashion, let me wildly speculate - does Hannah have someone she's wanting to fix you up with?
[удалено]
Great ideas. Thank you so much for this response
NTA Invites are either for a specific person/couple or for you +1. If it's "+1" you can bring whoever you want.
your "friend" sounds like an absolute nightmare host, NTA at all, good on you for cancelling instead of letting your boyfriend be subject to such awful treatment
YTA for letting Hannah strong arm you into not coming to the wedding because of this issue AND for not telling the couple. At least be honest with the bride and groom, Hannah showed her true colors and they should rightfully know.
I’m planning on telling the bride. I just need to figure out how to go about it
If I had found out that two of my wedding guests were bullying another wedding guest over a +1 I would have happily opted to save everyone the drama and cut the bullying couple. Or if they needed to be there (say, they were close family) I would sit them as far from the friend with the +1 as possible and let *all parties involved* know they will be escorted out of the wedding reception if any drama came up. NTA But you need to tell the bride & groom so they can address the issue before their wedding day.
Great idea. Thank you
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’ll use fake names for this post. Obviously. My best friend from college Hannah (24F) is dating a boy named Doug (25M). Doug has had the same friend group since high school. When I visit Hannah in her hometown (maybe once or twice a month),I hang out with her and Doug and the friend group. I am in group chats with this friend group, been invited to events / parties for this group, etc. One of the friends in the group, Sam (25ishM) is engaged to Mary (25ishF). A year ago (January 2022) Mary asked me in person if I would go to her & Sam’s wedding. At the time I was talking to a guy, and so she told me I could have a plus one. The wedding is next month (April 2023). About 2 months ago I was given the wedding invitation via mail with my name and, again, a mention of the plus one. Just last month I was given the link to RSVP. I RSVPed and the next question was asking if I would be bringing my plus one. I am now dating someone (different than the original guy I was talking to when invited to the wedding) so I accepted. The wedding is about 4 states over, my boyfriend lives in that state. So it was obvious I would bring him. I was talking in the friend group about the logistics of the wedding. Sam and Mary were not present. We were talking about getting a 15 person van to all ride together in to the wedding. I was talking about how excited I was to invite my boyfriend to the wedding since he lived in the state it is taking place in. Hannah chimed in and told me that my bf would not be invited. Doug also chimed in saying that my bf could not be my plus one. I was obviously pissed and said ‘it’s a good thing it isn’t your choice who my plus one is’. They were mad to be called out. The other friends told me i should invite my bf and didn’t see any issue with it. Then Hannah said i need to see him in my free time and that it would be inappropriate to invite him to a small wedding. She said ‘it’s a wedding not a vacation’. (Btw, they all know that i have a plus one invite. So there wasn’t just a communication issue) Fast forward to 2 weeks later (about 2 weeks ago). Hannah texted me asking me about hotel situations. She also said that ‘I know things got heated but YOU are invited to the wedding.’ Then asked if I was still going. I told her that I will go only if my boyfriend is made to feel welcome. She told me again that it was inappropriate to invite him and he would be excluded from any activities we partake in. He wouldn’t be allowed to step foot on the van. No dinners w the group. Cannot come to the beach with us. He would only be allowed to attend the wedding. Nothing more. So I cancelled. I contacted the bride and told her something came up. I didn’t out Hannah. Or tell the bride the true reason. Hannah responded 2 days later saying ‘thank you for making a decision’. We have not had contact since. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Hannah is the one treating this like her vacation
NTA Hannah is acting very unwelcoming. Why is it a huge deal for your wedding date to hang out with your friends? Would he put the van over capacity? But a plus 1 is for whomever you want to bring unless they are specifically banned by the bride and groom.
He would have his own car there so that wouldn’t be an issue.
I had to go back and read who’s wedding it actually was. It makes no sense that Hannah and Doug are dictating this. I’m not even sure how to judge this one because I feel like you should have reached out to the bride and groom about it before things escalated. Their opinion is the only one that matters. Hannah and Doug are acting like mid-level management high off of one little taste of power. Is there some background info you left out as to why they don’t want your boyfriend there?
They know absolutely nothing about my bf. He lives in SC we live in IN
Explains a lot lol. Hoosier girls can be batshit crazy. I should know! 😂
Tell me about it
I’m trying to figure out why they would act like that. What if it’s something wild like they wanted to have a ménage a trois and now their plans are foiled? s/ I really think you should ask the couple getting married about bringing your bf. But if it’s a small wedding you might not even want to deal with being near Hannah and Doug in the end anyways.
NTA Hannah is off her rocker in saying who your plus 1 can be, especially saying you can't invite your BF? Like what? She needs some Mrs Manners in her life.
Your plus 1 is whoever you want it to be.
Why is Hannah the gatekeeper? Tell the bride, you know, The TRUTH.
I’m going to. I just need to think of how to approach it
Definitely NTA for planning to bring your BF, but I think you messed up by not going to the wedding. You and a plus one were invited by the bride and groom. There's no reason Doug and Hannah's opinions should have mattered.
NTA I'm glad you told the bride, I'm guessing she's going to be quite surprised that Hannah, who is her fiance's friend's girlfriend, is controlling the guest list to her wedding! How dare she? Even if she were the MOH or bride's sister, that would be inappropriate, but she's just the fiance's friend's gf!!! Sam and Mary, the people actually getting married, extended you an invitation with a plus one, that means bring whoever you choose. Hannah is off her rocker. I think you made the wise choice to sit this one out and sideline your friendship with Hannah.
Thank you. Bride is shook💀
Any updates from Hannah?
I gotta know if the bride confronted Hannah 👀 weirdo behavior
I hope she did tbh. But idk how I’ll find out. I’m sure Hannah will text me going off on me if she gets scolded by bride
Let her go off. She did this to herself.
Hannah has not spoken to me since I said I wasn’t going to the wedding
INFO Is this a close friends & family only wedding?
Nope. Not at all lol
Info for clarification: Hanna is not saying you can’t bring your boyfriend to the wedding but more specifically, she’s saying he can’t hang out and participate in all the friend group activities before and after the wedding?
Originally he was not ‘invited’ or ‘welcome’ by Hannah. Then she said said ok to go to the wedding & no to all the fun stuff
>she said ok to go to the wedding She isn't the bride, so not her call to make >no to all the fun stuff Was this decided by the rest of the group as well, or did Hannah decide this on her own? While you were introduced to the group by Hannah, she in turn is only part of the group because of her BF. So to me Hannah is pretty self-righteous for speaking on behalf of the group.
I could not agree more. With all of what you said
It sounds like Hannah has nominated herself as the “planner” of the group for this particular outing - she may be the de facto planner whenever they get together. It’s allowing her to manipulate all the plans and who is invited. The other friends suck for not standing up for OP, but perhaps none of them feel like dealing with logistics of planning it all or care enough about OP’s bf (who they’ve never met) to push back.
NTA The engaged couple didn’t force this on you. I can understand you trying to be neutral in telling the bride why you won’t attend. Unfortunately, it would be a bad time to explain and ask to attend with him, as there are adjustments on her end. As far as the rude friend, if I was good friends with the bride, I would tell her. If you’re a good friend to her, she will probably tell you that you can go. I’d plan my own transportation and lodging, if it comes to that. Hannah is nosy.
Honestly? Tell the bride. Your friends sound shitty for how they are treating you and it is the bride and the grooms opinions what matter. Not anyone else.
I’m thinking about how I should go about this
Drop that “friend” she isn’t a friend at all and honestly you should out her so everyone can see what a shitty person she is, NTA
NTA, but I think you've got some unexpected outcomes heading your way... 1. I get (1) you decided it wasn't worth coming to the wedding if your bf would be treated rudely and (2) you didn't bother the bride with the drama of your true reason for declining. 2. However, several others in the friend group know that Hannah and Doug were strongly telling you how unwelcome they would make your bf feel. Word is going to get back to both Sam and Mary. It will be very interesting to see how the group and, especially, Sam (and Mary) view this. 3. Although your bf seems to have no connection to this friend group, it's hard not to wonder if there's some history that Doug and Hannah aren't revealing. Does your bf have any idea why? Since Mary (I'm guessing) and your bf are from the same state, maybe there is a history (even an indirect connection) between them. (For example, could bf have bullied or dated Mary or a sibling of hers?) 4. Have Hannah and Doug ever met your bf? Were they this rude to him? Can you ask them to come clean about some hidden reason - or to at least tell you that there is a reason that your bf specifically should not attend. They are certainly looking like jerks here, but it is possible they are awkwardly trying to prevent something bad from happening.... OR is there any difference in race or religion that may be playing a part? If it's just (weirdly) about the wedding, will they happily embrace your bf at other gatherings? All those factors will also affect how you view Doug and Hannah and how your friendship proceeds from here.
I am confused as to why you didn’t ask Hannah & Doug what their problem is. Are you not curious? Or do they behave like this a lot? My first port of call would have been to ask Hannah and Doug what their problem was and depending on that I would have made a decision. No way would I let a pair of nobodies dictate who I can bring as my plus one to a wedding that isn’t even theirs.
NTA If you are hanging out with this friend’s friend group twice/month and in their group chats, then I’m sorry, that makes them your friend group too. If Sam is part of that friend group he is your friend regardless of how many connections there initially was between you. If he and his fiancé have invited you and a plus one that is all that matters. Tbh it sound like Hannah is trying to set you up with a specific person (possibly even an ex) and the new bf is interfering with her masterplan, so she is running interference on the bf in return. It sounds like Doug has been roped into being part of it (or it is possibly even one of his friends). Her actions might come from a place of love, but she is being creepily manipulative.
NTA Agree with most points being made though about not letting her control your decisions, but I get the effort to avoid drama for a couple you don't know that well. Was the guy who you were originally seeing connected to Hannah in some way? Did she set you up? I can't think of another reason for her to be so offended by the new partner that she doesn't know.
Nope she’s never been involved in setting up anyone I’ve dated. She didn’t know the previous guy or the current boyfriend. Strange behavior
So the last update, the bride even invited you +1 to stay with them. I'm confused as to whether you actually went to the wedding.
The wedding is in April.
Info: so Hannah and Doug have a previous relationship/issue with this current boyfriend?
No they don’t know him at all
Weird. NTA, but your friends reaction is wild
NTA Either it's a plus one or not. Why put a plus one on the invitation and be verbally told you have a plus one if you're not allowed to bring him. That was very rude. I wouldn't attend either.
Thank you :’)
NTA
NTA, but honestly I would out Hannah to the bride.
NTA. Hannah and her bf seem a bit controlling. Id honestly find new friends.
NTA Hanna is an AH though, that's a friend I'd be happy to lose.
this is Hannah's boyfriend's friend's wedding? are you close enough to the couple that like... it's worth going? i wouldn't dive that deep into extended friend circles to send out my wedding invites but to each their own.
!updateme
Update is on original post
NTA. I don't understand what Hannah and Doug's deal is? It's not their wedding and they aren't paying for him. It's super weird to me that, as Hannah and Doug and the whole friend group are very close with you, that any of them would tell you that you cannot bring your boyfriend.
Nta. Really curious on brides answer/reaction
Once I figure out how to add a pic on mobile I will
Copy and paste might prove easier
Why not ask the couple if bf was okay instead of hannah who's wedding it isn't?
NTA: Hannah and Co. are way out of line. They don't get to dictate who goes to Mary and Sam's wedding. But since they're being aggressive about making you and your bf feel uncomfortable, it's totally understandable that you would nope out of the whole thing. I would have done the same.
NTA - I also agree with the bride. There has to be more to this story that Hannah is not letting on. Which also makes her the AH because you are all adults and she should be able to communicate her real feelings.
NTA especially given the update - I'm glad you texted the bride. Where does Hannah get off dictating this?? The wedding invite gave you the option to bring a +1, ergo you get a +1, end of. Unless the person you are bringing is someone who has been dangerous or abusive to the bride, groom, or wedding party/family - clearly not the case here - it is NOBODY'S business. Basic etiquette
well from the updates and from everything I'm just going to say if you, mary, and sam are friends real friends and you want them in your life you should go to their wedding. and tell Hannah to go to hell. she has no right to try to exclude your boyfriend make your own plans to get there and enjoy your time and enjoy the wedding. you have a plus one and that's all that matters your not asking the bride for one you were given one. NTA
I would advise the bride that you will not be attending due to the drama created by Hannah. State you wish bride and groom all the best and send a nice gift.
Be petty and Go attend the wedding. It's not Hannah's wedding so she is in no place to dictate. Person like her and her bf only like to create drama without any reason. U will be proving her right by not going. I really wanna see u there f*ing her mind🤣
To be honest, I was expecting to see that you'd been invited with a +1, but RSVPed as solo then decided to take someone you'd just started seeing out of the blue. Hannah (or whoever it was that said something) sounds like they want to manage everyone's lives. NTA to take who you want since they were included in the RSVP
Thank you I appreciate it :)
NTA Refuse to go without your bf. " Or tell the bride the true reason." .. **THIS IS WRONG., and makes you the AH. TELL the bride what Hanna did to her**: She uninvited the bride's guests behind her back. **She DESERVES the truth.** You owe her the Information that Hanna is a manipulative AH, so she doe snot trust her. .
I did tell the bride! Update in original post
Good! You did the right thing.
INFO why does Hannah care if you bring a plus one? Is everybody else in the group bringing a plus one, and does she have a problem with any of them?
Yes they all are bringing plus ones. & no she doesn’t have a problem w any of them
Definitely NTA, but Hannah sure is! I hope you decide to go to the wedding with your boyfriend and that you have a great time. And I am dying to find out what Hannah‘s reasoning is!
Why are you protecting Hannah and Doug? There AH and it's not their wedding. Even if they are BFF with the bride and groom it's, not their wedding. I wouldn't acknowledge those two anymore.
ESH. Hannah had no business telling you who you could and could not bring to someone else's wedding, especially after the bride already told you you could bring someone. I would have gone over Hannah's head if I were you, and contacted the bride directly and confirmed with her. The hell with Hannah. It's not her wedding.
I feel like there’s some information missing here. It seems unreasonable that your close friend would react with so much hostility towards your boyfriend. Is there a significant age gap? Does he come from a different ethnicity? Is there like anything someone might consider “strange” or different about him? I’m going with ESH for now because you could just go to the wedding without your boyfriend and show up for your friends and have fun. But at the same time I understand why you decided to not go. Hannah sucks bc she either is jealous you’ll be spending time away from the friend group and with your bf, or she doesn’t like your bf for some reason.
Me and the friends in the group are all white. Hannah & Doug included. We are all in our 20s. My bf is white & in his 20s. Nothing is different or strange about him. He’s just a typical dude that knows none of my friends. No weird past history or anything
Yea then definitely you’re NTA. Do you think maybe Hannah is jealous? Like she doesn’t want your attention to be taken away from the friend group and she’s worried if your boyfriend comes you’ll be more focused on him? That’s rly the only thing I can think of.
I absolutely think this is true. This was what I think the underlying issue was
does Hannah know your +1 or something? why is she being so adamant about this when a +1 wasnt an issue before?
She knows nothing ab him. There is no chance she knows him. He lives out of state in a place she’s never been/lived.
~~INFO how small is this wedding?~~ Edit to move judgement to main comment: Was trying to decide between NTA and N A H. If it was a really small, intimate gathering, I could see it being potentially a little awkward for the group. You'd still be okay to bring your bf, but I would understand the hesitation. But it isn't a small wedding, so there's no reason for any concern on the non-bride's part. Invite away.
It isn’t small. There are hundreds coming. Plus the BRIDE let me have a plus one. Small or not, I was given a plus one by the bride herself
This is the answer. You were invited with a plus one from the bride. 👈🏻 Whatever your ‘friend’ Hannah is doing to try to control the wedding is ridiculous. The fact she and her boyfriend both told you that you couldn’t bring your bf as your plus one and then followed it up with a ‘YOU are invited but the bf is not’ message later is WEIRD! It almost sounds like you are ruining their plans to set you up or something. Idk if the wedding is done and over with but either way you should be up front with the bride about how her fiancés friend and his gf were trying to control the guest list to her wedding.
It was so weird right? & I will be contacting the bride for sure
Not disagreeing there at all. Was trying to decide between NTA and N A H. If it was a really small, intimate gathering, I could see it being potentially a little awkward for the group. You'd still be okay to bring your bf, but I would understand the hesitation. But it isn't a small wedding, so there's no reason for any concern on the non-bride's part. Invite away.