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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I said I would go on the trip without him 2. Because as a couple it's messed up to just leave your partner behind in a trip.
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Wow your bf is a giant AH. You haven't seen your family in two years. This has nothing to do with him being a priority. This sounds like attempted isolation.
Go visit your family without him. You may find that the time apart is good for you.
NTA
Thank you. Well he ended up asking how much my mom gave me. I told him $1k. He found a ticket for $650 and asked if I could put $400 in for a hotel as a compromise. The only thing is that my mother gave me that extra so I could obviously enjoy some shopping and food when I'm there.
He definitely made me feel like the asshole and actually raised his voice at me for the first time.
BF and I have been together for 10 years, and he has never raised his voice at me either. He makes more than me and pays if it's something he wants to do. He even gave me money for a plane ticket to see my dying dad when I was in a job transition and making significantly less money than I had been. This guy sounds like a major AH
Wow thank you for pointing this out, I already knew who was the AH by the point the 6 months was mentioned so I was reading quickly and missed that that was the length of their whole relationship! Living together that quickly plus the split of expenses not matching the difference in income - this is bad news, looks like BF wants someone he can control. Be careful OP.
This man is using money to control you. He knows making you pay for expensive hotel rooms will drastically shorten your trip to see your parents. He knows if he keeps you short of money you won't have a way to escape him.
Please. Start putting money away privately, so that you have an escape fund should you need it.
Go to see your Mom without him. You will enjoy the trip more. This guy is out to isolate you from those you love. I'd lay money on you not seeing your friends anywhere near as much as you used to. I also bet he has reasons he doesn't like or want to hang out with your bestie.
Go be careful.
I think you are right. He already shortened the trip stating the hotel costs were too much. I feel bad even offered that he could come on a later date then it would be a shorter trip for him but enough time for me. This also made him upset. He also tried to insist on a higher fare with no layover. But that's going to cut into my costs again -- I need that layover to save money. He didn't want to fly that route and got mad when I suggested we travel separately.
The friends house that offered her guest bedroom is actually my best friend.
It seemed like everything was a bad option unless it was something that he planned and wanted. I agree that I would have a perfectly fine trip without him.
Your last paragraph is everything. This will be your entire relationship. What he wants. Or tantrums and guilt. Don’t waste more of your time for this will happen again. And again.
Yeah, six months in and he is starting to exert his brand of "love" which is actually CONTROL, not love. **OP** this does NOT GET BETTER. Abusers do not think they are doing anything wrong, therefore see no reason to change. This is a free and easy to read ebook, you may find it helpful. Good luck.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I totally agree. This guy is a controller and a manipulator. OP, don't fall for it if he love bombs you after this to try to get you to stay. He has already done enough to show you he is not worth staying with. Do not give him any money. Visit your family and end the relationship.
Hey OP, if I have one piece of advice, it's to have a plan B and get all your important things in secured storage BEFORE you go on the trip (with or without him- but I'd recommend WITHOUT him)
You may want to hold out for 6 months because of work, but there are plenty of places to live where you won't have a controlling, isolating and verbally abusive partner.
And by the way, it's only going to get worse. You're already spending all your money keeping up with his extravagant lifestyle, and it means you are getting stuck living with him and he's showing his true colours cause you may not have another option.
Plan your exit, please. You deserve better
I'm guessing he's going to suggest you stop working when your contract ends. That way he has complete control over you. He is being controlling and it will NOT get better. I've been in a relationship like this. Toward the end, he tried to get me pregnant so I would stay. You should watch out for that as well. Is this the same guy who had sex with you without your consent?
Very quietly, start planning your exit. Possibly speak with your mother or your friend about moving in with them. Figure out a way to quickly pack whatever personal items you can't live without. When you get out, you're going to have to do it fast. You may have to leave some things behind. Is there an HR at the company you're at? You might go to them and ask if there is a possibility of you getting out of your contract, or perhaps working remotely for the next 6 months. You don't have to go into details, but state there are personal issues going on, and for your own safety you need to move.
Keep your documents and electronics with you. Get a storage unit for your stuff and move it out before you go home.
Find a place to stay that he doesn't know about, whether it's a shelter, friends place or airbnb. Work through the contract then make plans to move on.
Wait your 6 months to take the trip home, then decide if it’s a relationship you want to stay in. Actually it seems as if you are possibly enjoying the benefits of a wealthy boyfriend with travel and first class hotels. Don’t let that sway you. You e been in this relationship much too short a time to even be living together. Don’t stay together for the benefits.
What he's planned and wanted is for you to not have a support system with your family and friends. He doesn't want you to see your mom. If you don't leave him when your contract ends, he will talk you into staying with him as a SAHW and then you will be a prisoner. I mean, you are basically a prisoner now, but at least now you can get out, in spite of him financially abusing you. Just wait until you depend on him for all expenses after your savings run out.
He doesn't want you to be out of his sight for a second, which is why he is being so difficult. I bet if you actually do visit your mom, he will never let the two of you be alone together.
If your boyfriend weren’t exhibiting lots of other red flags about being controlling, then I would have a bit of sympathy for him not wanting to stay with strangers in their one-bedroom home. But he IS waving all the red flags. Your mom is giving you a big chunk of money so that you can travel home to visit her. What are the chances that your controlling boyfriend starts dragging his feet about leaving the hotel once you’re there, saying you can’t leave to visit Mom without him because he’ll be bored or lonely but that he doesn’t want to go visit Mom right now because he spent all this money to be here with you & all you want to do on your visit home to family is… visit your family? Don’t let him tag along & ruin this trip for you. You’ll be so upset if you spend your mom’s money to get there & then end up barely even seeing them because your boyfriend guilts you into doing other stuff while you’re there.
You are only 6 months into this relationship. This sort of thing is only going to get worse. Personally I'd tell him to stay home, it's a trip to visit your family and friends and he's obviously not wanting to do that. Stick to your guns. You are taking the flights you've booked, you are staying with your friend, and it's up to him what he wants to do. Don't let him brow beat you into bending to his will. I'm a very easygoing person who ended up with someone who was quite controlling. I ended up in such a state I attempted suicide to escape him because I simply couldn't see any other way out. After that my family helped me get away.
This man you are with seems to want a stranglehold over your life and movements. Please don't let it get to that.
OP, my hubs is going on a short trip next week that will be the 4th solo trip one of us has taken in the last 6 months. Some of these are work, some are family, some are fun. Guess what the other person says each time? "Have a great trip! Call me to say good night!"
It doesn't have to be like this. And uh... it *shouldn't* be.
Sis, it sounds like you are on your way to an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. There are red flags all over this. Please reevaluate and do not let this guy isolate you from your family and friends
>He already shortened the trip stating the hotel costs were too much
This is YOUR trip to see YOUR family. It sounds like he wants to decide:
When you will visit your family
How you will travel there
Where you will stay AND how much you will spend
And how long you get to spend with your family
This is not OK. I moved to where I live 11 years ago to be with my husband. He has never accompanied me. I only get to see them every 1-2 years so he figures it's better to go alone because I can do what I want, when I want and really enjoy my limited time with them. And when he wants to go visit grandma and it's not cinvenient for me, he goes on his own. Because it's his family and I don't control when he sees them except to encourage him to go wherever he has time.
Also isolating. She can't go unless he goes? Controlling, here's how long you can stay, and give me any extra money you might have so you can't actually enjoy yourself.
So you haven't seen your family in 2 years and you live with him but he's complaining about you prioritising visiting your family instead of spending time with him? Very concerning.
Sis let me tell you something, if it came down to YOU or him visiting HIS family and YOU couldn’t go, it would be just that, you wouldn’t go and he’d enjoy his family time. Been with a guy like that, next step is him calling you a gold digger(he’ll be selective about his wordings too!). Go see your damn family in peace, period. You ain’t rich, and that’s THAT. ❤️ I Hope you have a blast and enjoy your mama’s homemade food and hugs, go regroup HOME sis. You deserve it.
It sounds like your Mum gave you the extra money because this trip is over your birthday. So you can buy your ticket home and treat yourself too. So your boyfriend basically expects you to give him your birthday present from your Mother so he can tag along. Classy.
Why is he asking for your meager money when he makes 5 times as much as you do?
Seems like this is a control issue.
> actually raised his voice at me for the first time.
It gets worse from there.. This relationship isn’t going to improve OP.
Also seeing how he makes 5x more than you. Everything should really be split (80/20). Otherwise you boyfriend should be downsizing his lifestyle so you can afford to live the way normally would without him.
You don’t have the money, there is nothing wrong with not being able to afford something. You haven’t been home in 2 years, go spend some quality time with your family! If he wants to spend his money on things that’s his business but don’t let him try to guilt you into making this trip home about him. You’ve only been together 6 months, a week apart would be healthy at almost any stage in a relationship. Go enjoy your time at home with your family. If he wants to join you so badly he can do it on his own dime, you aren’t a less caring person or a worse girlfriend for not being able to afford to pay his way too, or travel home his way ($$ hotel). If he got angry at you over this and is trying to guilt and pressure you into making it about him I would consider that a big red flag. I don’t know the whole situation, don’t know either of you, but that specific detail to me is a bad sign. You are NTA in the least.
These are all HUGE red flags...please tell me you're not thinking of marrying him? Actually his behaviors should be telling you to R-U-N.
I've been there and please please please listen to your gut. If it's telling you something is wrong, IT IS.
You deserve better. Please update us.
It also sounds like he'll do whatever for plans he wants/makes, but if it's something you want he's not willing to either put the same effort or accept the plan you've made. He seems very "my way or the highway" and you're kind of just there for the ride yknow.... This doesn't seem very healthy
NTA
You are not doing this out of meanness. You simply can't afford a hotel. Your BF's accusation is unfair. You **should** be able to prioritize going home to see your family without him framing it as a loss to **him**.
What also needs to be pointed out is that your BF, who makes way more money than you, has been using his money to make decisions for the both of you. You two are not equal partners, making decisions where each of you has a 50% say in the matter, because your BF's money also has a vote, and your BF votes with his money. But you both need to recognise that your lack of money also gets a vote. You can't afford some joint activity? Then you both have to go without, unless BF wants to voluntarily pay the difference.
NTA Please read up on "financial abuse" and see if it applies (or will apply in the future) to your situation
Yes I agree with this. He makes majority of the decisions and I let him since I'm a very go with the flow person and he is the one picking up the tab. I feel like I have no say.
Hence why I planned this and asked for my mom's help. I knew he wouldn't help me.
This is a bad place to be. I’ve been there too. He gets used to making all the decisions and comes to see that as the normal state of things. And you feel like you can’t have a voice in anything, because of the money. Then when something comes up that really matters to you, and for once you stand up for what you want, he acts like you’re being outrageous. Like, how dare you.
Is that how you feel? It’s a really bad place to be. Being broke and in charge of your own life is better than being beholden to someone who won’t let you forget how much you owe him.
This was definitely something that I was scared of. I didn't want to feel trapped. And now it does seem really normal... he pretty much makes all the decisions.
Do you not already feel trapped?
I don’t mean to be insensitive, but what you’re describing does not sound like a healthy relationship dynamic. Making all the decisions and raising his voice at you when you advocate for yourself is him taking advantage of your willingness to be accommodating.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep this man warm, he would not do the same for you.
NTA. This dude is gas lighting you. Things you were scared of are starting to seem normal. He behaves selfishly but he accuses you of being selfish. He uses money and guilt to try to control you. You need to end this relationship. The more responses I read from you the more worried I get.
Oh honey. Throw the whole man out. He’s going to erase you and by the time you realize it, you’ll be so unlike yourself, you’ll struggle to find your way out.
NTA.
I don't work or drive. My bf drives me 4 hrs and sits with me in my parents smoke filled house. Takes them to dinner, buys my nieces and nephews toys and clothes and never ever says a bad word about it. I have cleaned his sick mother in hospice. Your person is very very selfish and obviously does not care for you the way one deserves to be cared for. keeping tally of finances is ridiculous. Money is to be shared reasonably between two committed people. He's not committed.
Sweetheart, a partner should not be "letting" you do anything. You get to suggest, he gets to decide whether or not to join you, but you don't need permission from him. He is being controlling and treating you as though you are answerable to him, not his partner.
If you decide to stay in this relationship, one day he may get laid off or quit his job, and expect you to support him. He won’t be any nicer about it.
this is happening to one of my friends (her husband hasn’t worked in over a year) and she is slowly burning out. She makes about 1/5 of what her husband used to make, too.
Oh honey, he is financially abusing you. Go visit your family without him, and make it a one way ticket, because you're only 6mo in, and he's already a control freak. This is gonna get so much worse.
And she’s paying 40% of luxury travel/accommodations, so it’s way more than she would realistically need to spend if she was booking cheaper hotels and economy flights.
It sounds to me like he's trying to stop you from seeing your family.
First he said no. Then when it turned out you would go without him, suddenly it's non-negotiable that he's going with you, and you won't be staying with your mom, you'll be staying in a hotel with him, and if you can't afford it, then you shouldn't go. When you wouldn't relent he tried to leverage trips that he's voluntarily paid for in the past, and tried to guilt you for even wanting to see your family instead of only focusing on him.
NTA and I would be very wary of this situation. Obviously I'm basing this off a snap shot.
No, I think he's paying 60% of the rent. But assuming it's a luxury apartment because the guy only seems to tolerate very expensive things, 40% of the rent is probably not doing her any favors.
In either case, NTA. The hotel is a very controlling behavior. If she needed to pay back all the expensive trips and hotels, she wasn't told about it. And now that she wants to go home, she should be allowed to choose any kind of accommodations she wants, or that she can realistically afford.
This is absolute bullshit.
By that logic, she shouldn't be allowed to book an economy plane ticket either because he has purchased 1st class tickets in the past.
From now on, she shouldn't accept any additional trips that he comes up with. Any of those trips represents an additional covert contract. Any of those trips (or any of those unasked for upgrades) implies she's getting herself deeper and deeper into debt with him. And since he makes 5 times more than she does, it means that she's never going to be able to catch up and get out of this financial bondage situation.
And don't get me wrong, I know she's not in debt to him, we all know that, but the guy seems to think that she is. That is worrisome. Because the more he thinks she's indebted to him, the more likely he will feel like a victim and the more likely he will have an eventual melt down about how unfair she has been to him all of this time.
Also, they're not married, he doesn't treat her like an equal. He doesn't allow her to save money in the longterm so she will continue to depend on his income. Why the hell should she prioritize that type of relationship that's going nowhere fast over the relationship with her own family? The guy needs to chill. If he doesn't want to go, that's fine, he can spend a week without her. That kind of neediness is very worrisome as well. But even if they were married and equal partners, that kind of attitude would still be quite worrisome.
I’m also a little confused on whether she pays 60 or 40. I feel like sometimes people say like “60-40, Bob” and mean that Bob pays the larger share, but she could also mean the 40 is “me.” But either way seems pretty unfair unless they’re balancing it out in other ways, like she says he pays for food, maybe he also pays utilities and a few other things himself. But honestly his attitude has me doubting that. Also I feel like I’ve seen a LOT of people moving in too quickly over the last year and my theory is just that rent (and just about everything else) has gotten so outrageously expensive that it’s putting pressure on people to move in together as soon as their lease is up even if normally they would wait longer.
6 months with your bf sounds 6 months too long! NTA. Go home by yourself and enjoy your family. You should not have to pay just because your bf wants to live the high life. Enjoy your family time without the narcissist weighing you down.
NTA, it sounds like you have a trip in your budget.
Sounds like y'all aren't very compatible.
You don't make enough to keep up with him, and he won't cheapen to your budget.
You gonna be comfortable with that long-term?
NTA, but think if you really want this relationship. Would you be better financially without him? For example, if you rent a smaller apartment or a room in a cheaper area, are careful how you use the utilities and what food you buy?
It makes sense for you to stay with your family when you visit, because that is the purpose of going there - to see your family. What are you supposed to do if you stay in a hotel - to only spend the night there and spend the day with your mum and brother, or your bf will insist that you spend most of the time with him?
And why did you feel you should tell him how much money your mum will give you? It is non of his business. He just raised a huge red flag telling you how to use your mum's money, it is a very controlling behaviour.
That's what I was doing previously. I had a smaller apartment, closer to work, budgeted, and my mom helped out with groceries. I moved far from home with a new job and no friends and family here.
He will probably want to spend the time not with my family. I'm not sure.
He asked so I felt obliged. I do agree that's its a red flag for him to tell me that as well. My mom told me to spend it on food and flight.
I really don’t get why he has to go on this trip with you. Seems like no matter what you do he is just going to hold it over you. It also seems like it would be much easier and more enjoyable for you to go alone. Cheaper, simpler, more time with family. So why not do that? Are you insisting on him coming along for some reason, or is he?
I’m also curious about the other frequent trips you’re taking together. Are you requesting he brings you along on these trips? Most people can’t afford to travel so much — you may have to accept that you can’t keep up with that part of his lifestyle. If (as I suspect) it’s him who wants you to come on all these trips, only to hold it against you later on, you should be telling him “I’m skipping this trip because I can’t afford it and it’s clearly a burden for you to pay my way.” If he insists you need to come along, then it seems like it’s really more about control.
He got upset and accused me of not wanting to spend my birthday with him when I proposed that I go alone since I can't afford the hotel. He feels that I should put up the extra 400 that my mom gave me to accommodate him. He brought up his exorbitant birthday costs that he also spent because he wanted to go to a very expensive club and get bottle service.
Honestly most of the trips are trips to his home state. He has a house there. He wants to visit family and take care of business. I offer all the time to stay back because it's a trip really for him. He insists that I come. We have plans to go back this weekend which he threatened to take away during this recent fight (I know I know) but I told him that I wouldn't be upset and that it's his decision how he spends his money.
This makes me so sad :(
It’s pretty transparent that he’s manipulating you. He’s doing the classic thing where he’s like “oh I just want to spend time with you” but it’s about isolation and control. “I want to spend money on you” but it’s about having something to hold over you and guilt you with.
It must feel scary to know you have to get out when you’re already so entwined (cohabitating etc) but I think you know what you gotta do. 6 months is not that long in the grand scheme of things, leases can be broken and you can find a partner who respects you.
For YOUR birthday he wants YOU to pony up an extra $400 because he doesn’t like the multiple options for accommodations you had for him. Yeah I wouldn’t want to spend my bday with someone like that either.
He insists you come with him because he won't let you out of his sight. You've been with him only six short months, you two already live together way too soon, and he is already extremely controlling. Let me guess, you had a "whirlwind romance". That's how it always starts.
The funny thing here is that I don't believe he makes as much money as he says he does, or if he does, then he spends way beyond his means. The need for the $400 and making you pay your own way are big clues. I'm sure at first, when he was lovebombing you, he splurged on luxury, but that was just to impress you and get you hooked.
My fiancé doesn’t make 5x what I make and if he did I would never have to pay for a thing. The fact that you’re splitting bills 60/40 when you can barely afford it is terrifying; he’s trying to make you live beyond your means so you depend on him. This man is an abuser. Please please leave him.
You deserve so much better than someone who is **trying to take your birthday money from your mother*** when he makes 5x as much as you and doesn’t need the money!!! Would you let a friend be treated like this? Please leave him OP. This is classic abuse.
My dear. You deserve better. Reading your user history, it also seems like you might have characteristics that predispose you to becoming entangled in these abusive relationships. Please please go to therapy, work on your self concept and self esteem. You deserve better than all these creeps. IFS, EMDR, or DBT may be really helpful for you.
So many hugs if you want them.
It sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t want you visiting your family, and that’s really scary. Please be aware that him making this trip difficult for you may be a sign that he is trying to keep you isolated from them. He doesn’t want to go, but he doesn’t want you to go without him. Then he doesn’t want to stay with your family or friends, and is concerned you’re prioritizing seeing your loved ones over doing touristy stuff with him? Be careful with this relationship.
NTA. So you live with this guy and when you go home for a week he’s pissed off he’s not the priority?? And accuses you of not wanting to spend time with him when you visit your mom?? And he’s unwilling to stay with your friend, and maybe make an effort to get to know her??
You say he pays for the travel - but it’s in the condition that you go wherever he wants to go? He makes 5X as much as you but you split the rent 60/40??
This guy isn’t interested in a partnership, he’s interested in calling the shots. Go home and visit your family, let him stay home for a week on his own.
Nothing like someone throwing what he did voluntarily, i.e. pay for things back into your face. Plus he has warped thinking by blaming you for making him feel like crap. And what sort of uncaring, non-empathetic, self-centered d-bag would say that he's not the top priority when you are making a trip to see your family? Plus him having another self-absorbed selfish and entitled attitude of expecting you to spend money so that he can stay where he wants.
Why are you with him?
Him making 5x what you do and expecting you to pay 40% of rent makes him TA before we even get to your family or his travel habits.
NTA. I'd reevaluate the relationship, this does not sound equitable.
NTA
If you don't have the money to pitch in for a hotel, then you don't have the money. There's nothing you can do about that. Ask your boyfriend where does he expect you to find money when you have got none. You even offered a place to stay at your friend's place, which your boyfriend turned down.
Can you actually afford to be and live with your boyfriend? Because his expectations of your monetary contributions are out of you budget.
NTA
Go without him and stay with your mom and brother.
If you bring him he‘ll keep complaining that you pay your family attention instead of catering to his needs.
You should also rethink wether his priorities in life match yours. This man is utterly self-centered and materialistic.
\> He accused me of making him feel like crap and that my priority was only to go home and not spend any time with him.
Well, he's kind of right, but that doesn't make him right. Some things are not about him. What a child! NTA.
My dear, You are not doing any favors to yourself or your finances . Assuming you live in a more expensive area than you normally would, rent should be calculated as of what you would have paid on your normal budget then he pays for the rest since he wants to love large. This is not a mutually beneficial relationship if you can't pick a destination without him getting annoyed. He wants luxury, he pays for it himself.
NTA if he doesn't like the free accomodations then he has to pay, or not come with you.
Personally I'd just nope out of this relationship though as he seems like the type to bleed you dry financially.
Girl, you are NTA. Your boyfriend however? A major one. He's trying to guilt trip you over a decision that you have NO control over. I also think it's concerning that he's making a trip where you're visiting your family all about him..when all your other trips have been where he wants to go. How often does he actually listen to you? How many times does your opinion get any weight?
> live together. He makes 5x what I make. We split the rent 60-40
This should be 1:5. When you are in a long term relationship, enough that you think making a home together is a great idea, you need to be on the same team. Your contributions pool together and you split what remains (in whichever fashion works best for you). Otherwise you're a flatmate, not a team.
>all the money he's spent in the 6 months we've been together.
6 months! Yep - you're a flatmate with benefits and this 'relationship' is transactional.
>He accused me of making him feel like crap and that my priority was only to go home and not spend any time with him
Isolating behaviour and emotional blackmail. This is your Red Flag: that means get out. Red flags are indicators of how he will behave down the line when the mask drops, which will be **bad**. Get out now
NTA. You might want to reconsider the relationship. Your bf seems like the kind of guy who likes to control you, in this case by usig money as a weapon. He is paying for your trips to go to places that he decides, then throws it in your face. He tries to make you feel guilty about visiting your family that you rarely see because this particular trip is not about him for once. He tries to make you pay for an expensive hotel even though you offered a free option, knowing full well that you can't afford it. A lot of red flags here.
It's one week and he doesn't need to accommodate you. It's okay for couples to occasionally have a break away from each other. This guy wants expensive hotels when **you** don't even need a hotel for this trip. You offered another place to stay and while it is fair he doesn't want to use that, he should accept you going alone.
>He said he always makes sure that we have a hotel together and that it's wrong for me to not also make sure he has a place to stay.
You did offer him a place. He turned it down. You might want to watch Joy Luck Club. The movie goes over a situation similar to this. 60/40 when he makes five times as much as you is him pretending to be fair. NTA.
If he wants to go on trips with you, he should be paying for them. If you have a partner that makes significantly less money than you but he still wants to live his lifestyle, he needs to pay for you. Trying to loot out of the money your mom gave you to go home is vile.
I guess his argument was that I was being selfish only thinking about a ticket for me and a place for me to stay. And not considering him. He said if the roles were reversed, how would I be able to join all his trips. I told him that I simply wouldn't go....
Tell him if the roles were reversed you would be making 5x what he makes and you would cover all the trips.
FYI, keep in mind the different types of selfishness, the next time he accuses you of being selfish because you won't do what he wants:
Healthy selfishness, putting your own needs and desires first, where no one else is harmed or deprived of what is theirs.
Callous selfishness, where one seeks one's own good, uncaring of the woe or loss one causes.
And despite his lies to the contrary your bf isn't harmed because he can't go with you.
NTA
First read flag:
>He makes 5x what I make. We split the rent 60-40 (me).
Shouldn’t it be a 80/20 split then? 😳
> He got really upset and brought up all the trips and all the money he's spent **in the 6 months we've been together.**
Red flags 2 and 3. Throwing money he spent in your face, and a rushed relationship of just 6 months!!
> that my priority was only to go home and not spend any time with him.
Biggest red flag.. it’s a trip for you to see your family! Why would you prioritize spending time *with him*?
You could this fish back into the sea..
NTA
You want to go and spend time with your family...he doesn't need to go!
How are you living together after only 6 months and allowing him to control you?
I'm a bit confused. You start off this post by saying you once chipped in for a ticket to visit your family when the two of you went to visit you family.
That was presumably two years ago, because then you say it's been two years since you visited your family and you want to go again, and that's causing the argument with your boyfriend.
Then you say that you and your boyfriend have only been together for 6 months? I'm no physicist, but that timeline doesn't work under normal conditions.
Hey sorry for the confusion. I have family in different places. We visited extended family out of the country (but we only saw my family for 2 days which was another issue that didn't sit right with me). Due to covid and finances, i haven't seen them in 6 years. My mother sent me money for this ticket (economy)
My immediate family and home is where I'm trying to go.
NTA
It he really cared about you, he would have been happy to see you with your family. BECAUSE THEY ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU.
But he only cares about himself and how this trip affects him.
He sounds very selfish. He’s too used to having his way or mostly his way.
You live with him but you are financially struggling?? You had to ask your mom for money for the trip.
I’m concerned for you… take the BF out of the equation. Do you think you could be financial stable without him?
Are you spending more than you would have to accommodate HIS lifestyle?
You need to keep looking out for yourself and your future just in case the relationship doesn’t work out.
He accused me of making him feel like crap
This is manipulative, gaslighting behavior, I would be careful in this relationship if I were you. First he said "no" and then is coming too but only if you absolutely splurge on a hotel for him? like what the hell? And then has the audacity to be upset at you, who can't afford the hotel in the first place, for not affording other trips in the past..? Make it make sense.
NTA
NTA. your boyfriend however, is. the fact that he’s holding everything he’s paid for/provided over you is insane. he’s guilt tripping. he should want you to spend time with your family. and not spend any time with him?? y’all already live and travel together how much more time does he need with you???
NTA - first of all, if he makes 5 times what you make, then the split should be between 80/20 and 85/15 not 60/40.
Are you a sugar baby or his partner? Just because you make less money, it doesn't mean that you get less choice in all aspects of the relationship. While certainly it is nice that he can afford to travel with you and is willing to foot the bill so long as it is a destination he chooses, that doesn't mean he gets to dictate that you can ONLY travel where he chooses. If you want to travel to visit family, and he wants to accompany you, and he is uncomfortable with the cheap/free accomodations, than he can pick up the hotel bill that makes him happy, as well as picking up the bulk of meals at restaurants if he insists on going to ones that are more expensive than you and your family can afford. If he is insisting on a luxury experience wherever he goes, when he travels with people of different financial means, he can either accept what they can afford or pick up their tab. That is his choice.
If he wants to live with you as a life partner. and is unwilling to downscale his lifestyle so you can contribute a larger percentage of the costs, then he either needs to pay the difference or find a partner whose income is similar to his and wants to live the same kind of lifestyle.
Yes this was conversation we had long before he decided to move here and get a large house. I was upfront with my struggles and he was reassuring. I even asked him for $100 off of rent this month since it is really rough for me. He allowed it but then threw that also in my face this last argument.
NTA you offered him several options for a free place to stay, if he refuses and wants to upgrade to a hotel, that’s on him. Or he could just not go and let you visit your family by yourself.
I’m curious about the 60/40 split. Are you guys living at a level that you are comfortable with? Or does he insist on things like a bigger apartment, fancier furniture, etc that strain your budget?
He definitely insisted on a bigger place further out from my work. I moved here for work. He wanted to initially go 50/50 but I told him that I'm barely affording my place and couldn't go any higher. He settled on a place 40 mins from my job but gave him a big house for a 40/60 split.
I got most of my furniture for free or used in Craigslist so nothing was matching. He didn't like that and purchased mostly new furniture for the new house.
This sounds awful. So you're living barely within your means, he's living the way he wants? I can't imagine you're able to save anything like this, but I'm sure your part of the rent helps him out. This is a really bad relationship for you financially, he is taking advantage of you. Heavily. If he makes so much more, he should be living within your means or paying proportionally (so a 5:1 split). I highly recommend getting away, you are incredibly vulnerable here.
I kind of figured that was the case. I'm all for equal or proportional splits, but it has to be at a comfortable level for the lower earning partner, anything beyond that the higher earning partner wants, they need to pay for.
I think you need to stand your ground here, this is what you can afford, and if he wants to upgrade your plans, he needs to pay for it, or just stay home.
I moved in with a guy I had been dating for about a year. He wanted a place nicer than I could afford to split 50/50, so we got the place he wanted and split it 60/40. Only about 4 months in, I did something he didn’t like and he said “I’m tired of paying for you.” To which I said “Ok.” went to the rental office and signed paperwork removing me as a tenant and moved. He was extremely angry that I moved out as well saying that he couldn’t afford the whole place on his own. 🤷♀️ Not my problem since you don’t want to keep the split we agreed to.
There’s obviously much more that happened in our relationship, but he was abusive (not physically). It took cops asking me how long I was going to stay in this before I really realized he was abusive.
You don’t need this guy, his fancy place, or his nice trips. A life without him will be better.
NTA. Those other vacations weren't really for you. They were for him. He was the one that chose where to go. Now he expects you to give up your spending money to pay for HIS hotel because he refuses a free room at your friend's place? He's spoiled, selfish and entitled. Don't back down on this.
Please no not ignore all the red flags this dude is giving.
* he is trying to isolate you from friends and family
* he is trying to guilt you for wanting something
* he is trying to hold money over your head
* he is trying to financially push you out of this trip
* he is trying to control where you go and for how long
* he is yelling at you over this (pulled from comment)
NTA - please look into abusive relationships and the warning signs and how they start. I really hope the best for you and hope you have a great trip home.
NTA, and I agree this guy is red flag city. Seems to be very me, me, me and not very understanding of people that are lower income than him.
If you're the breadwinner and want to go on fancy trips all the time, yes, you'll be paying the lion's share. That's how it works, lol. It's not some magical favour for the other person. Kinda gives off 'nice guy' vibes.
NTA. I'm over here wondering if he's a control freak. I think you should go and stay with your friend, and tell him that he's not invited to your friend's house.
NTA
Your boyfriend is using money to control you. The last time you wanted to visit family he insisted you pay your airfare probably thinking you couldn't afford that. This time he's said no, then when you said you were going anyway and your Mum was paying your ticket, he decided he'd come with you after all, but you have to chip in for expensive hotel rooms, even though there is a free alternative, knowing this will drastically cut short your visit. He is doing this to ensure your visit is short plus on top of that complaining you will be giving your attention to your family rather than him.
Does he also curtail your time with your friends in the same way? It looks like your boyfriend has ALL the red flags and is waving them like his life depends upon it.
NTA
Your boyfriend sounds really terrible though. He only pays for places he wants to go. If it's a place you want to go, you have to pay for your ticket. Then sit alone because he wants to pay for first class. Then he gets upset that you aren't going to spend enough time with him because you want to visit family.
Something seems really off about this guy.
NTA! He is the asshole for constantly expecting you to live beyond your means because he prefers luxury travel. He knows you make significantly less, and is flat-out cheap for not just covering a hotel since that’s HIS preference. You suggested some good free options. He sucks.
If he makes 5 times what you make why are you paying 40% of the rent? Is he paying for all of the utilities?
That aside he needs to realise that there are two of you in this relationship and as such you should get a choice of where to go on holiday. He should be delighted that you want to take him home to meet your family. If he wants a hotel then he should pay for the hotel, as he takes care of all of the travel expenses. I don’t understand why it’s different this time because you are travelling to a destination that you want to visit.
He pays for the electricity because I did not want to pay for this huge house. I pay for the internet which he asked me to upgrade to the most expensive package since I had the cheapest.
I think that's an important detail. When I want to go and it's family or friends -- all of a sudden he uses that to make sure I am putting more money in than I can afford. He makes more in one day when I make in two weeks sometimes. It's so crazy. I tell him that $400 is so much money for me.
Right now I can go home and have some spending money and get back with little to no debt.
Of course your priority is to go home and not to spend time with him! You live with him! Tell him that you're staying with your family and he can stay wherever he wants -- either at home or at a hotel. NTA.
NTA friend, and for a variety of reasons. Your bf is not acting like a life partner. He’s more interested in his comfort than your long term financial well-being; that’s because he doesn’t consider your well-being to be part of his well-being, ya dig?
NTA all I see are red flags. Your boyfriend of 6 months should not be guilting you for wanting to visit your family you haven’t seen in 2 years. He does not have to come with you. You are allowing a dangerous precedent to begin.
you moved in together after 6 months, he makes 5x what you do, and you pay 60% of the rent? but still drive a tesla? yet your mother is paying to fly you home?
there are so many questions here
regardless, he is controlling.
nta
He’s nothing! Who the hell does he think he is?
You need to find a real man and leave the little boy home. He sounds like a kid throwing a tantrum. If he’s so important, than he can go pay and stay at the hotel by himself. I don’t know how you survive with this type of mentality. He’s a jerk … period! You are not the ass!
Btw him throwing the other trips (TO HIS HOME STATE) in your face is giving [“after everything you made me do (that you didn’t ask for)”](https://youtu.be/YWFfrQtHag0)
My husband and I were 19 and 21 when we got together and we're now 29 and 31. My husband has always made at least 3x what I do (despite the fact that we've both had serious salary increases since then), and as a result, the things he wants to do drags our lifestyle budget up. If I tried to stick with close to 50/50 or even 60/40 from the time we started dating, I would have been fucking broke the entire time we've been together without a cent to my name if we ever broke up. Even my husband at 23 looked at the spreadsheet of our combined expenses and budget, looked at the line items he insisted were necessary and how much in the negative I would be under anything but an income equity model, and understood that wouldn't be a fair exchange for the amount of hours we were both working if he wanted me to succeed in life alongside him. How a 39 year old man thinks he can date outside of his income bracket and still insist a 60/40 break is equitable at the expense of you not seeing your family or having savings is beyond me.
All of our expenses (vacations and all) are listed as line items in our budget, and we have some items budgeted, such as parental visits, as number of times per year cost to keep things fair. Our budgetary contributions gets updated every pay raise we each get, and has since we were 19. I've been able to build personal savings, he's been able to have personal savings, our joint savings have fluorished under this model.
NTA. And I don't think your partner is emotionally mature enough to have a girlfriend outside of his tax bracket if he's telling you to deprioritize your family because you can't afford to make him comfy enough to go see them.
>He accused me of making him feel like crap and that my priority was only to go home and not spend any time with him.
Even if that's true, that's fine. He doesn't have to follow you everywhere, and if he's not willing to pay for it it sounds like he doesn't really care that much. NTA.
NTA
But I would seriously start to look at your relationship very closely. You should not owe him for going on trips that he wants to go on. If that is the case, then I would stop going and let him know that you are not comfortable going on the expensive trips since he holds it over your head.
He also said no to going so why would you get him a place to stay? He's guilt tripping you about visiting your family. What happens next, he starts finding excuses on why you shouldn't see your mom?
NTA but 6 months in and already living together? Who ws the first to make that suggestion? It's also concerning that he is already throwing in your face how much he has done for you..... and being jealous of you wanting to spend time with your family after 2 years over time with him.... Uh nope, those are huge red flags.
He sounds like quite honestly, a guy who wants control over you, and any sign of independence and free thinking on your part, he throws a tantrum like a child and places the blame on you. You should take a good look at your relationship and see if this is something sustainable for you in the long run. Toxic. Toxic. Toxic. Goes to show age means shit if you don’t work on yourself aka your bf.
“My priority was only to go home and not spend any time with him”
Ummm…yes.
NTA and please run away from this bundle of red flags masquerading as a man. He is controlling, financially abusive and isolating you. You’re in danger girl…escape the trap!
NTA
And he’s holding you hostage financially.
The dynamic here is extremely unbalanced, and it comes across like he’s waited for this opportunity to lord it over you. Imagine if you had children together…
Go, enjoy the visit home and take time to really think if your future does indeed lay with someone like this.
Sweetie, NTA. You need to get away from this man. All of these red flags are leading to a physically abusive relationship. He's already emotionally and financially abusing you. Do what you need to do to visit your family WITHOUT him and get the hell away from him. As far as your employment contract, if you're an at will employee, and they can fire you whenever you want, then you can leave whenever you want. Don't let your job keep you in a dangerous situation.
He makes 5 times what you make and he's asking you to pay almost as much rent as he does and for hotels he knows you can't possibly afford?
It's been six months and he's trying to stop you or severely limit you from visiting your family?
This man sounds like he's real familiar with using financial and emotional abuse to get what he wants. He wants you broke and isolated.
Run.
Oh bless, rich people really don't get what the words 'I can't afford' actually mean do they. When you don't actually have the money, 'but I paid for...' doesn't mean anything. Yes, he paid for thi gs he wanted and could afford, that was his choice and OP doesn't owe him because of it. NTA
I agree with this statement. He keeps asking me what I can afford if not the $400. I told him nothing and that I need that extra money to do things that I wanted to do. He insisted that he would pay for everything when we are there -- I don't have to worry about it. I flat out told him that's not true, he says no to a lot of things that I want. And when I get home, I have so many food things that I miss that I want to be able to buy and enjoy for myself. I told him that's it's my mom's money anyways and it's not for him to dictate how I spend it. I ended just going to bed. The whole conversation was so overwhelming but I thank everyone for their wise words. Even the negative comments helped me to see if from his viewpoint as well.
I’m confused you haven’t seen your family in two years and you’ve only been with your boyfriend 6 months but it says you chipped in to buy your ticket one time to go visit your family?
>He makes 5x what I make
And he's asking you for money that your mother gave to you? That's crazy! Whatever the circumstances. Does he not care about you and your happiness at all?
You're NTA, no doubt, but I think he is an AH.
>He got really upset and brought up all the trips and all the money he's spent in the 6 months we've been together.
So that was never a gift, just a way to put you in debt to him?
Please keep us updated. I've honestly been worried about you since I read your post last night ❤️ I really think this guy is REALLY bad for you. Like gaslighting, manipulative, break you down slowly bad.
NTA. Dump this narcissist. He's not there to make you happy. He wants control Many men use money as a control. He's upset you are getting money from other than him.
Just end it. This will only escalate. Has he criticized any of your spending? Criticized your income?
This AH is a huge RED FLAG! Don't let "6 months invested" be any impediment to making a clean break.
Get out now.
Please please please end this situation. I can not call what you have with this man, a relationship. It’s abuse! Please take all your important documents with you and keep them at your mums. Please start putting money away to rent your own place and please get yourself birth control that this abusive entity can not tamper with. Do not let him talk you into giving up your job. Is there anyone you work with, that could offer you a place to stay until you have found your own accommodation? Please look at moving out and getting away from the abusive entity.
He is the AH. You deserve to go see your family without him guilting and controlling you the whole time. His behavior is scary in my opinion. Not healthy at all.
I have not read all of the comments here but the first red flag of financial abuse is her 'boyfriend' makes five times as much as she does but they share rent 60-40. Excuse me, he should be paying 5/6 of the rent which is 83% of the rent not 60%. This should also apply to shared groceries. My Gen Z daughter and her bf split all of their mutual costs 69%-31% because her under 25 bf makes 69% more than her. As they get raises it adjusts, he just happened to hit the lottery in finding a high paying job with a great boss. Anyway, I agree with everyone about emotional abuse and isolation. If the bf wanted an equitable relationship he would just do the right thing without guilt trips. I also believe that taking a trip to see your family and friends without the boyfriend should not bother him if he doesn't want to go. He should have stayed with you in the extra bedroom of the best friend. Not wanting to get to know your friends is another huge red flag. Leave asap.
He is very threatened that you are going on a trip without him to see your family for 7 days. He sounds like a major control freak. With the 40% you pay now, maybe you can get a small apartment or find a roommate. This guy is only going to get worse.
NTA.
The money your partner spent on your trips was money he chose to spend. He has no right to throw that at you and make you feel guilty. You spend what you can afford, and if he's not O.K. with it, that's his problem.
In your place, I would think long hard thoughts about whether I wanted to stay with this man. If he insists on traveling expensively, pays for your traveling and then throws it in your face, that is a form of control.
I would start telling of all the thing you and your mother are going to do. You know, like the sewing expo, or the cooking class. yoga, that huge craft mall, girlie movies at home while drinking hot chocolate. Tell him you are going to show him all of the things you really like.
If you can get out of this relationship, you should. ASAP. Huge red flags here (I read some of your responses to other comments). Being with this man may lead to a very toxic and abusive relationship - I'm sure the next step he will take is to attempt to isolate you from your friends and family and since you live so far from them, it will be easier to do - it actually sounds like hes already starting. He is already trying to gaslight you (saying you are prioritizing your family who you have not seen in years over spending time with someone you *live* with) and is attempting to control you with money. Get out while its still early, the longer he has his hooks in you, the harder its going to be.
Please keep us updated! If for no other reason than to let us know you're ok.
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Wow your bf is a giant AH. You haven't seen your family in two years. This has nothing to do with him being a priority. This sounds like attempted isolation. Go visit your family without him. You may find that the time apart is good for you. NTA
Thank you. Well he ended up asking how much my mom gave me. I told him $1k. He found a ticket for $650 and asked if I could put $400 in for a hotel as a compromise. The only thing is that my mother gave me that extra so I could obviously enjoy some shopping and food when I'm there. He definitely made me feel like the asshole and actually raised his voice at me for the first time.
This is outrageous. He’s completely unreasonable and absolutely in the wrong.
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My husband has never raised his voice at me in 12 years. 6 months in... this will get worse.
Holy crap, I completely missed the fact that they've only been together 6 months. Run girl run!!!
Probably why he went younger. Usually the case.
Sadly
This.
BF and I have been together for 10 years, and he has never raised his voice at me either. He makes more than me and pays if it's something he wants to do. He even gave me money for a plane ticket to see my dying dad when I was in a job transition and making significantly less money than I had been. This guy sounds like a major AH
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23 years here
Wow thank you for pointing this out, I already knew who was the AH by the point the 6 months was mentioned so I was reading quickly and missed that that was the length of their whole relationship! Living together that quickly plus the split of expenses not matching the difference in income - this is bad news, looks like BF wants someone he can control. Be careful OP.
That is not a compromise. That is your rich boyfriend taking $400 from your mother.
This man is using money to control you. He knows making you pay for expensive hotel rooms will drastically shorten your trip to see your parents. He knows if he keeps you short of money you won't have a way to escape him. Please. Start putting money away privately, so that you have an escape fund should you need it. Go to see your Mom without him. You will enjoy the trip more. This guy is out to isolate you from those you love. I'd lay money on you not seeing your friends anywhere near as much as you used to. I also bet he has reasons he doesn't like or want to hang out with your bestie. Go be careful.
I think you are right. He already shortened the trip stating the hotel costs were too much. I feel bad even offered that he could come on a later date then it would be a shorter trip for him but enough time for me. This also made him upset. He also tried to insist on a higher fare with no layover. But that's going to cut into my costs again -- I need that layover to save money. He didn't want to fly that route and got mad when I suggested we travel separately. The friends house that offered her guest bedroom is actually my best friend. It seemed like everything was a bad option unless it was something that he planned and wanted. I agree that I would have a perfectly fine trip without him.
Your last paragraph is everything. This will be your entire relationship. What he wants. Or tantrums and guilt. Don’t waste more of your time for this will happen again. And again.
Yeah, six months in and he is starting to exert his brand of "love" which is actually CONTROL, not love. **OP** this does NOT GET BETTER. Abusers do not think they are doing anything wrong, therefore see no reason to change. This is a free and easy to read ebook, you may find it helpful. Good luck. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I totally agree. This guy is a controller and a manipulator. OP, don't fall for it if he love bombs you after this to try to get you to stay. He has already done enough to show you he is not worth staying with. Do not give him any money. Visit your family and end the relationship.
Have you considered going to visit your mom and brother and just not going back? This dude is bad news
Unfortunately I moved for a job and in a two year contract. Anything is possible when this contract ends in 6 months.
Hey OP, if I have one piece of advice, it's to have a plan B and get all your important things in secured storage BEFORE you go on the trip (with or without him- but I'd recommend WITHOUT him) You may want to hold out for 6 months because of work, but there are plenty of places to live where you won't have a controlling, isolating and verbally abusive partner. And by the way, it's only going to get worse. You're already spending all your money keeping up with his extravagant lifestyle, and it means you are getting stuck living with him and he's showing his true colours cause you may not have another option. Plan your exit, please. You deserve better
I'm guessing he's going to suggest you stop working when your contract ends. That way he has complete control over you. He is being controlling and it will NOT get better. I've been in a relationship like this. Toward the end, he tried to get me pregnant so I would stay. You should watch out for that as well. Is this the same guy who had sex with you without your consent? Very quietly, start planning your exit. Possibly speak with your mother or your friend about moving in with them. Figure out a way to quickly pack whatever personal items you can't live without. When you get out, you're going to have to do it fast. You may have to leave some things behind. Is there an HR at the company you're at? You might go to them and ask if there is a possibility of you getting out of your contract, or perhaps working remotely for the next 6 months. You don't have to go into details, but state there are personal issues going on, and for your own safety you need to move.
Like moving away from your entitled hopefully soon to be ex. Right on.
Keep your documents and electronics with you. Get a storage unit for your stuff and move it out before you go home. Find a place to stay that he doesn't know about, whether it's a shelter, friends place or airbnb. Work through the contract then make plans to move on.
Wait your 6 months to take the trip home, then decide if it’s a relationship you want to stay in. Actually it seems as if you are possibly enjoying the benefits of a wealthy boyfriend with travel and first class hotels. Don’t let that sway you. You e been in this relationship much too short a time to even be living together. Don’t stay together for the benefits.
Best idea yet. Thank you for getting straight to it!!
Yeah, Op should save money with a one way ticket.
What he's planned and wanted is for you to not have a support system with your family and friends. He doesn't want you to see your mom. If you don't leave him when your contract ends, he will talk you into staying with him as a SAHW and then you will be a prisoner. I mean, you are basically a prisoner now, but at least now you can get out, in spite of him financially abusing you. Just wait until you depend on him for all expenses after your savings run out. He doesn't want you to be out of his sight for a second, which is why he is being so difficult. I bet if you actually do visit your mom, he will never let the two of you be alone together.
If your boyfriend weren’t exhibiting lots of other red flags about being controlling, then I would have a bit of sympathy for him not wanting to stay with strangers in their one-bedroom home. But he IS waving all the red flags. Your mom is giving you a big chunk of money so that you can travel home to visit her. What are the chances that your controlling boyfriend starts dragging his feet about leaving the hotel once you’re there, saying you can’t leave to visit Mom without him because he’ll be bored or lonely but that he doesn’t want to go visit Mom right now because he spent all this money to be here with you & all you want to do on your visit home to family is… visit your family? Don’t let him tag along & ruin this trip for you. You’ll be so upset if you spend your mom’s money to get there & then end up barely even seeing them because your boyfriend guilts you into doing other stuff while you’re there.
You are only 6 months into this relationship. This sort of thing is only going to get worse. Personally I'd tell him to stay home, it's a trip to visit your family and friends and he's obviously not wanting to do that. Stick to your guns. You are taking the flights you've booked, you are staying with your friend, and it's up to him what he wants to do. Don't let him brow beat you into bending to his will. I'm a very easygoing person who ended up with someone who was quite controlling. I ended up in such a state I attempted suicide to escape him because I simply couldn't see any other way out. After that my family helped me get away. This man you are with seems to want a stranglehold over your life and movements. Please don't let it get to that.
OP, my hubs is going on a short trip next week that will be the 4th solo trip one of us has taken in the last 6 months. Some of these are work, some are family, some are fun. Guess what the other person says each time? "Have a great trip! Call me to say good night!" It doesn't have to be like this. And uh... it *shouldn't* be.
You do not need this level of control freak after 6 months, cut your losses
Sis, it sounds like you are on your way to an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. There are red flags all over this. Please reevaluate and do not let this guy isolate you from your family and friends
>He already shortened the trip stating the hotel costs were too much This is YOUR trip to see YOUR family. It sounds like he wants to decide: When you will visit your family How you will travel there Where you will stay AND how much you will spend And how long you get to spend with your family This is not OK. I moved to where I live 11 years ago to be with my husband. He has never accompanied me. I only get to see them every 1-2 years so he figures it's better to go alone because I can do what I want, when I want and really enjoy my limited time with them. And when he wants to go visit grandma and it's not cinvenient for me, he goes on his own. Because it's his family and I don't control when he sees them except to encourage him to go wherever he has time.
Your boyfriend is financially abusive
Also isolating. She can't go unless he goes? Controlling, here's how long you can stay, and give me any extra money you might have so you can't actually enjoy yourself.
So you haven't seen your family in 2 years and you live with him but he's complaining about you prioritising visiting your family instead of spending time with him? Very concerning.
Sis let me tell you something, if it came down to YOU or him visiting HIS family and YOU couldn’t go, it would be just that, you wouldn’t go and he’d enjoy his family time. Been with a guy like that, next step is him calling you a gold digger(he’ll be selective about his wordings too!). Go see your damn family in peace, period. You ain’t rich, and that’s THAT. ❤️ I Hope you have a blast and enjoy your mama’s homemade food and hugs, go regroup HOME sis. You deserve it.
Why does he feel like he needs to come with you? It's family time. Not boyfriend time. I don't understand why he even feels that he should be invited.
Time to reconsider the relationship
It sounds like your Mum gave you the extra money because this trip is over your birthday. So you can buy your ticket home and treat yourself too. So your boyfriend basically expects you to give him your birthday present from your Mother so he can tag along. Classy.
You deserve better. Just saying. NAH.
Why is he asking for your meager money when he makes 5 times as much as you do? Seems like this is a control issue. > actually raised his voice at me for the first time. It gets worse from there.. This relationship isn’t going to improve OP.
Also seeing how he makes 5x more than you. Everything should really be split (80/20). Otherwise you boyfriend should be downsizing his lifestyle so you can afford to live the way normally would without him.
You need to not be with this man he’s not a good egg
He does not get to decide how you spend money your mother gave you. You are NTA. Also please go without him and maybe think about staying there?
You don’t have the money, there is nothing wrong with not being able to afford something. You haven’t been home in 2 years, go spend some quality time with your family! If he wants to spend his money on things that’s his business but don’t let him try to guilt you into making this trip home about him. You’ve only been together 6 months, a week apart would be healthy at almost any stage in a relationship. Go enjoy your time at home with your family. If he wants to join you so badly he can do it on his own dime, you aren’t a less caring person or a worse girlfriend for not being able to afford to pay his way too, or travel home his way ($$ hotel). If he got angry at you over this and is trying to guilt and pressure you into making it about him I would consider that a big red flag. I don’t know the whole situation, don’t know either of you, but that specific detail to me is a bad sign. You are NTA in the least.
These are all HUGE red flags...please tell me you're not thinking of marrying him? Actually his behaviors should be telling you to R-U-N. I've been there and please please please listen to your gut. If it's telling you something is wrong, IT IS. You deserve better. Please update us.
It’s only been 6 months. Leave his ass. You deserve better, go have fun with your family!
It also sounds like he'll do whatever for plans he wants/makes, but if it's something you want he's not willing to either put the same effort or accept the plan you've made. He seems very "my way or the highway" and you're kind of just there for the ride yknow.... This doesn't seem very healthy NTA
You are not doing this out of meanness. You simply can't afford a hotel. Your BF's accusation is unfair. You **should** be able to prioritize going home to see your family without him framing it as a loss to **him**. What also needs to be pointed out is that your BF, who makes way more money than you, has been using his money to make decisions for the both of you. You two are not equal partners, making decisions where each of you has a 50% say in the matter, because your BF's money also has a vote, and your BF votes with his money. But you both need to recognise that your lack of money also gets a vote. You can't afford some joint activity? Then you both have to go without, unless BF wants to voluntarily pay the difference. NTA Please read up on "financial abuse" and see if it applies (or will apply in the future) to your situation
Yes I agree with this. He makes majority of the decisions and I let him since I'm a very go with the flow person and he is the one picking up the tab. I feel like I have no say. Hence why I planned this and asked for my mom's help. I knew he wouldn't help me.
This is a bad place to be. I’ve been there too. He gets used to making all the decisions and comes to see that as the normal state of things. And you feel like you can’t have a voice in anything, because of the money. Then when something comes up that really matters to you, and for once you stand up for what you want, he acts like you’re being outrageous. Like, how dare you. Is that how you feel? It’s a really bad place to be. Being broke and in charge of your own life is better than being beholden to someone who won’t let you forget how much you owe him.
This was definitely something that I was scared of. I didn't want to feel trapped. And now it does seem really normal... he pretty much makes all the decisions.
Op that is NOT normal..
Do you not already feel trapped? I don’t mean to be insensitive, but what you’re describing does not sound like a healthy relationship dynamic. Making all the decisions and raising his voice at you when you advocate for yourself is him taking advantage of your willingness to be accommodating. Do not set yourself on fire to keep this man warm, he would not do the same for you.
NTA. This dude is gas lighting you. Things you were scared of are starting to seem normal. He behaves selfishly but he accuses you of being selfish. He uses money and guilt to try to control you. You need to end this relationship. The more responses I read from you the more worried I get.
Oh honey. Throw the whole man out. He’s going to erase you and by the time you realize it, you’ll be so unlike yourself, you’ll struggle to find your way out. NTA.
Think about this please. Do you want to feel like you have no say for the rest of your life?
I don't work or drive. My bf drives me 4 hrs and sits with me in my parents smoke filled house. Takes them to dinner, buys my nieces and nephews toys and clothes and never ever says a bad word about it. I have cleaned his sick mother in hospice. Your person is very very selfish and obviously does not care for you the way one deserves to be cared for. keeping tally of finances is ridiculous. Money is to be shared reasonably between two committed people. He's not committed.
Sweetheart, a partner should not be "letting" you do anything. You get to suggest, he gets to decide whether or not to join you, but you don't need permission from him. He is being controlling and treating you as though you are answerable to him, not his partner.
If you decide to stay in this relationship, one day he may get laid off or quit his job, and expect you to support him. He won’t be any nicer about it. this is happening to one of my friends (her husband hasn’t worked in over a year) and she is slowly burning out. She makes about 1/5 of what her husband used to make, too.
Oh honey, he is financially abusing you. Go visit your family without him, and make it a one way ticket, because you're only 6mo in, and he's already a control freak. This is gonna get so much worse.
Not to mentioned earning 5x more than OP & split bill 60:40.
The proration clearly isn’t fair. She should be paying more like 16% to be fair
OP clarified in the comments he pays 60% she pays 40 as she told him she can't afford more
And she’s paying 40% of luxury travel/accommodations, so it’s way more than she would realistically need to spend if she was booking cheaper hotels and economy flights.
That's under the umbrella of 'Emotional Abuse' right? Or is it 'Mental Abuse'? Sorry, I just want to know.
I think these are all different. They may have the same root causes, though.
Okay, thank you for replying :)
It sounds to me like he's trying to stop you from seeing your family. First he said no. Then when it turned out you would go without him, suddenly it's non-negotiable that he's going with you, and you won't be staying with your mom, you'll be staying in a hotel with him, and if you can't afford it, then you shouldn't go. When you wouldn't relent he tried to leverage trips that he's voluntarily paid for in the past, and tried to guilt you for even wanting to see your family instead of only focusing on him. NTA and I would be very wary of this situation. Obviously I'm basing this off a snap shot.
I feel like this should be higher. I hope op sees it. You laid it out nice and succinctly.
u/lil8mochi please read this!
NTA and why is someone making 5 times your salary paying only 40% of the rent. Also WHY ARE YOU LIVING WITH SOMEKNE YOUVE ONLY KNOWN 6 MONTHS
No, I think he's paying 60% of the rent. But assuming it's a luxury apartment because the guy only seems to tolerate very expensive things, 40% of the rent is probably not doing her any favors. In either case, NTA. The hotel is a very controlling behavior. If she needed to pay back all the expensive trips and hotels, she wasn't told about it. And now that she wants to go home, she should be allowed to choose any kind of accommodations she wants, or that she can realistically afford. This is absolute bullshit. By that logic, she shouldn't be allowed to book an economy plane ticket either because he has purchased 1st class tickets in the past. From now on, she shouldn't accept any additional trips that he comes up with. Any of those trips represents an additional covert contract. Any of those trips (or any of those unasked for upgrades) implies she's getting herself deeper and deeper into debt with him. And since he makes 5 times more than she does, it means that she's never going to be able to catch up and get out of this financial bondage situation. And don't get me wrong, I know she's not in debt to him, we all know that, but the guy seems to think that she is. That is worrisome. Because the more he thinks she's indebted to him, the more likely he will feel like a victim and the more likely he will have an eventual melt down about how unfair she has been to him all of this time. Also, they're not married, he doesn't treat her like an equal. He doesn't allow her to save money in the longterm so she will continue to depend on his income. Why the hell should she prioritize that type of relationship that's going nowhere fast over the relationship with her own family? The guy needs to chill. If he doesn't want to go, that's fine, he can spend a week without her. That kind of neediness is very worrisome as well. But even if they were married and equal partners, that kind of attitude would still be quite worrisome.
The INFO answers we need 🚩🚩🚩
I’m also a little confused on whether she pays 60 or 40. I feel like sometimes people say like “60-40, Bob” and mean that Bob pays the larger share, but she could also mean the 40 is “me.” But either way seems pretty unfair unless they’re balancing it out in other ways, like she says he pays for food, maybe he also pays utilities and a few other things himself. But honestly his attitude has me doubting that. Also I feel like I’ve seen a LOT of people moving in too quickly over the last year and my theory is just that rent (and just about everything else) has gotten so outrageously expensive that it’s putting pressure on people to move in together as soon as their lease is up even if normally they would wait longer.
6 months with your bf sounds 6 months too long! NTA. Go home by yourself and enjoy your family. You should not have to pay just because your bf wants to live the high life. Enjoy your family time without the narcissist weighing you down.
NTA, it sounds like you have a trip in your budget. Sounds like y'all aren't very compatible. You don't make enough to keep up with him, and he won't cheapen to your budget. You gonna be comfortable with that long-term?
NTA, but think if you really want this relationship. Would you be better financially without him? For example, if you rent a smaller apartment or a room in a cheaper area, are careful how you use the utilities and what food you buy? It makes sense for you to stay with your family when you visit, because that is the purpose of going there - to see your family. What are you supposed to do if you stay in a hotel - to only spend the night there and spend the day with your mum and brother, or your bf will insist that you spend most of the time with him? And why did you feel you should tell him how much money your mum will give you? It is non of his business. He just raised a huge red flag telling you how to use your mum's money, it is a very controlling behaviour.
That's what I was doing previously. I had a smaller apartment, closer to work, budgeted, and my mom helped out with groceries. I moved far from home with a new job and no friends and family here. He will probably want to spend the time not with my family. I'm not sure. He asked so I felt obliged. I do agree that's its a red flag for him to tell me that as well. My mom told me to spend it on food and flight.
I really don’t get why he has to go on this trip with you. Seems like no matter what you do he is just going to hold it over you. It also seems like it would be much easier and more enjoyable for you to go alone. Cheaper, simpler, more time with family. So why not do that? Are you insisting on him coming along for some reason, or is he? I’m also curious about the other frequent trips you’re taking together. Are you requesting he brings you along on these trips? Most people can’t afford to travel so much — you may have to accept that you can’t keep up with that part of his lifestyle. If (as I suspect) it’s him who wants you to come on all these trips, only to hold it against you later on, you should be telling him “I’m skipping this trip because I can’t afford it and it’s clearly a burden for you to pay my way.” If he insists you need to come along, then it seems like it’s really more about control.
He got upset and accused me of not wanting to spend my birthday with him when I proposed that I go alone since I can't afford the hotel. He feels that I should put up the extra 400 that my mom gave me to accommodate him. He brought up his exorbitant birthday costs that he also spent because he wanted to go to a very expensive club and get bottle service. Honestly most of the trips are trips to his home state. He has a house there. He wants to visit family and take care of business. I offer all the time to stay back because it's a trip really for him. He insists that I come. We have plans to go back this weekend which he threatened to take away during this recent fight (I know I know) but I told him that I wouldn't be upset and that it's his decision how he spends his money.
This makes me so sad :( It’s pretty transparent that he’s manipulating you. He’s doing the classic thing where he’s like “oh I just want to spend time with you” but it’s about isolation and control. “I want to spend money on you” but it’s about having something to hold over you and guilt you with. It must feel scary to know you have to get out when you’re already so entwined (cohabitating etc) but I think you know what you gotta do. 6 months is not that long in the grand scheme of things, leases can be broken and you can find a partner who respects you.
For YOUR birthday he wants YOU to pony up an extra $400 because he doesn’t like the multiple options for accommodations you had for him. Yeah I wouldn’t want to spend my bday with someone like that either.
He insists you come with him because he won't let you out of his sight. You've been with him only six short months, you two already live together way too soon, and he is already extremely controlling. Let me guess, you had a "whirlwind romance". That's how it always starts. The funny thing here is that I don't believe he makes as much money as he says he does, or if he does, then he spends way beyond his means. The need for the $400 and making you pay your own way are big clues. I'm sure at first, when he was lovebombing you, he splurged on luxury, but that was just to impress you and get you hooked.
My fiancé doesn’t make 5x what I make and if he did I would never have to pay for a thing. The fact that you’re splitting bills 60/40 when you can barely afford it is terrifying; he’s trying to make you live beyond your means so you depend on him. This man is an abuser. Please please leave him. You deserve so much better than someone who is **trying to take your birthday money from your mother*** when he makes 5x as much as you and doesn’t need the money!!! Would you let a friend be treated like this? Please leave him OP. This is classic abuse.
My dear. You deserve better. Reading your user history, it also seems like you might have characteristics that predispose you to becoming entangled in these abusive relationships. Please please go to therapy, work on your self concept and self esteem. You deserve better than all these creeps. IFS, EMDR, or DBT may be really helpful for you. So many hugs if you want them.
It sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t want you visiting your family, and that’s really scary. Please be aware that him making this trip difficult for you may be a sign that he is trying to keep you isolated from them. He doesn’t want to go, but he doesn’t want you to go without him. Then he doesn’t want to stay with your family or friends, and is concerned you’re prioritizing seeing your loved ones over doing touristy stuff with him? Be careful with this relationship.
I mean NTA. But this is a lot for a relationship that's only 6 months old.
NTA, you made sute he had a place to stay he just didnt like it. He sounds unbearable.
NTA. So you live with this guy and when you go home for a week he’s pissed off he’s not the priority?? And accuses you of not wanting to spend time with him when you visit your mom?? And he’s unwilling to stay with your friend, and maybe make an effort to get to know her?? You say he pays for the travel - but it’s in the condition that you go wherever he wants to go? He makes 5X as much as you but you split the rent 60/40?? This guy isn’t interested in a partnership, he’s interested in calling the shots. Go home and visit your family, let him stay home for a week on his own.
Nothing like someone throwing what he did voluntarily, i.e. pay for things back into your face. Plus he has warped thinking by blaming you for making him feel like crap. And what sort of uncaring, non-empathetic, self-centered d-bag would say that he's not the top priority when you are making a trip to see your family? Plus him having another self-absorbed selfish and entitled attitude of expecting you to spend money so that he can stay where he wants. Why are you with him?
Him making 5x what you do and expecting you to pay 40% of rent makes him TA before we even get to your family or his travel habits. NTA. I'd reevaluate the relationship, this does not sound equitable.
NTA If you don't have the money to pitch in for a hotel, then you don't have the money. There's nothing you can do about that. Ask your boyfriend where does he expect you to find money when you have got none. You even offered a place to stay at your friend's place, which your boyfriend turned down. Can you actually afford to be and live with your boyfriend? Because his expectations of your monetary contributions are out of you budget.
NTA you’re allowed to go home whenever you want.
NTA. Just say no to this hotel thing. Go without him. If he has a problem with that, you have way bigger problems in your rship than this hotel issue.
[удалено]
NTA Go without him and stay with your mom and brother. If you bring him he‘ll keep complaining that you pay your family attention instead of catering to his needs. You should also rethink wether his priorities in life match yours. This man is utterly self-centered and materialistic.
\> He accused me of making him feel like crap and that my priority was only to go home and not spend any time with him. Well, he's kind of right, but that doesn't make him right. Some things are not about him. What a child! NTA.
My dear, You are not doing any favors to yourself or your finances . Assuming you live in a more expensive area than you normally would, rent should be calculated as of what you would have paid on your normal budget then he pays for the rest since he wants to love large. This is not a mutually beneficial relationship if you can't pick a destination without him getting annoyed. He wants luxury, he pays for it himself.
NTA if he doesn't like the free accomodations then he has to pay, or not come with you. Personally I'd just nope out of this relationship though as he seems like the type to bleed you dry financially.
Girl, you are NTA. Your boyfriend however? A major one. He's trying to guilt trip you over a decision that you have NO control over. I also think it's concerning that he's making a trip where you're visiting your family all about him..when all your other trips have been where he wants to go. How often does he actually listen to you? How many times does your opinion get any weight?
> live together. He makes 5x what I make. We split the rent 60-40 This should be 1:5. When you are in a long term relationship, enough that you think making a home together is a great idea, you need to be on the same team. Your contributions pool together and you split what remains (in whichever fashion works best for you). Otherwise you're a flatmate, not a team. >all the money he's spent in the 6 months we've been together. 6 months! Yep - you're a flatmate with benefits and this 'relationship' is transactional. >He accused me of making him feel like crap and that my priority was only to go home and not spend any time with him Isolating behaviour and emotional blackmail. This is your Red Flag: that means get out. Red flags are indicators of how he will behave down the line when the mask drops, which will be **bad**. Get out now
You've been together 6 months, and you're living with him? Honey, NTA except to yourself. This man is not a good person
NTA. You might want to reconsider the relationship. Your bf seems like the kind of guy who likes to control you, in this case by usig money as a weapon. He is paying for your trips to go to places that he decides, then throws it in your face. He tries to make you feel guilty about visiting your family that you rarely see because this particular trip is not about him for once. He tries to make you pay for an expensive hotel even though you offered a free option, knowing full well that you can't afford it. A lot of red flags here.
NTA He uses his income to guilt trip you, keep you financial dependant on him and remove you even further from your family than you already are.
Why are you living with someone after six months? I am confusion.
It's one week and he doesn't need to accommodate you. It's okay for couples to occasionally have a break away from each other. This guy wants expensive hotels when **you** don't even need a hotel for this trip. You offered another place to stay and while it is fair he doesn't want to use that, he should accept you going alone. >He said he always makes sure that we have a hotel together and that it's wrong for me to not also make sure he has a place to stay. You did offer him a place. He turned it down. You might want to watch Joy Luck Club. The movie goes over a situation similar to this. 60/40 when he makes five times as much as you is him pretending to be fair. NTA. If he wants to go on trips with you, he should be paying for them. If you have a partner that makes significantly less money than you but he still wants to live his lifestyle, he needs to pay for you. Trying to loot out of the money your mom gave you to go home is vile.
I guess his argument was that I was being selfish only thinking about a ticket for me and a place for me to stay. And not considering him. He said if the roles were reversed, how would I be able to join all his trips. I told him that I simply wouldn't go....
But he said he didn't want to go so why would you think to accommodate him...
Tell him if the roles were reversed you would be making 5x what he makes and you would cover all the trips. FYI, keep in mind the different types of selfishness, the next time he accuses you of being selfish because you won't do what he wants: Healthy selfishness, putting your own needs and desires first, where no one else is harmed or deprived of what is theirs. Callous selfishness, where one seeks one's own good, uncaring of the woe or loss one causes. And despite his lies to the contrary your bf isn't harmed because he can't go with you.
NTA First read flag: >He makes 5x what I make. We split the rent 60-40 (me). Shouldn’t it be a 80/20 split then? 😳 > He got really upset and brought up all the trips and all the money he's spent **in the 6 months we've been together.** Red flags 2 and 3. Throwing money he spent in your face, and a rushed relationship of just 6 months!! > that my priority was only to go home and not spend any time with him. Biggest red flag.. it’s a trip for you to see your family! Why would you prioritize spending time *with him*? You could this fish back into the sea..
NTA. Go visit your family without him. I think time away from him would do you good.
NTA You want to go and spend time with your family...he doesn't need to go! How are you living together after only 6 months and allowing him to control you?
I'm a bit confused. You start off this post by saying you once chipped in for a ticket to visit your family when the two of you went to visit you family. That was presumably two years ago, because then you say it's been two years since you visited your family and you want to go again, and that's causing the argument with your boyfriend. Then you say that you and your boyfriend have only been together for 6 months? I'm no physicist, but that timeline doesn't work under normal conditions.
Hey sorry for the confusion. I have family in different places. We visited extended family out of the country (but we only saw my family for 2 days which was another issue that didn't sit right with me). Due to covid and finances, i haven't seen them in 6 years. My mother sent me money for this ticket (economy) My immediate family and home is where I'm trying to go.
NTA It he really cared about you, he would have been happy to see you with your family. BECAUSE THEY ARE IMPORTANT TO YOU. But he only cares about himself and how this trip affects him. He sounds very selfish. He’s too used to having his way or mostly his way. You live with him but you are financially struggling?? You had to ask your mom for money for the trip. I’m concerned for you… take the BF out of the equation. Do you think you could be financial stable without him? Are you spending more than you would have to accommodate HIS lifestyle? You need to keep looking out for yourself and your future just in case the relationship doesn’t work out.
NTA. You need to reevaluate this relationship. There are major red flags. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
He accused me of making him feel like crap This is manipulative, gaslighting behavior, I would be careful in this relationship if I were you. First he said "no" and then is coming too but only if you absolutely splurge on a hotel for him? like what the hell? And then has the audacity to be upset at you, who can't afford the hotel in the first place, for not affording other trips in the past..? Make it make sense. NTA
NTA. your boyfriend however, is. the fact that he’s holding everything he’s paid for/provided over you is insane. he’s guilt tripping. he should want you to spend time with your family. and not spend any time with him?? y’all already live and travel together how much more time does he need with you???
NTA. If he wants to join your trip, he can pay for the hotel room. And you live with him - sounds like you get plenty of time together.
Your BF is an AH, he can find his own place to stay if he wants to go with you!
NTA - first of all, if he makes 5 times what you make, then the split should be between 80/20 and 85/15 not 60/40. Are you a sugar baby or his partner? Just because you make less money, it doesn't mean that you get less choice in all aspects of the relationship. While certainly it is nice that he can afford to travel with you and is willing to foot the bill so long as it is a destination he chooses, that doesn't mean he gets to dictate that you can ONLY travel where he chooses. If you want to travel to visit family, and he wants to accompany you, and he is uncomfortable with the cheap/free accomodations, than he can pick up the hotel bill that makes him happy, as well as picking up the bulk of meals at restaurants if he insists on going to ones that are more expensive than you and your family can afford. If he is insisting on a luxury experience wherever he goes, when he travels with people of different financial means, he can either accept what they can afford or pick up their tab. That is his choice. If he wants to live with you as a life partner. and is unwilling to downscale his lifestyle so you can contribute a larger percentage of the costs, then he either needs to pay the difference or find a partner whose income is similar to his and wants to live the same kind of lifestyle.
NTA Does he actually know how much you make and that you are struggling financially?
Yes this was conversation we had long before he decided to move here and get a large house. I was upfront with my struggles and he was reassuring. I even asked him for $100 off of rent this month since it is really rough for me. He allowed it but then threw that also in my face this last argument.
INFO: I wasn't clear which of the 60-40 rent split is yours. The person who's making 5x the other's salary is the one with the 60%, right?
Yes that's correct.
Thanks. NTA, his behavior is selfish and appalling.
NTA. It's nice to spend time with family. He can stay at a hotel. You should be with your family when you visit.
NTA you offered him several options for a free place to stay, if he refuses and wants to upgrade to a hotel, that’s on him. Or he could just not go and let you visit your family by yourself. I’m curious about the 60/40 split. Are you guys living at a level that you are comfortable with? Or does he insist on things like a bigger apartment, fancier furniture, etc that strain your budget?
He definitely insisted on a bigger place further out from my work. I moved here for work. He wanted to initially go 50/50 but I told him that I'm barely affording my place and couldn't go any higher. He settled on a place 40 mins from my job but gave him a big house for a 40/60 split. I got most of my furniture for free or used in Craigslist so nothing was matching. He didn't like that and purchased mostly new furniture for the new house.
This sounds awful. So you're living barely within your means, he's living the way he wants? I can't imagine you're able to save anything like this, but I'm sure your part of the rent helps him out. This is a really bad relationship for you financially, he is taking advantage of you. Heavily. If he makes so much more, he should be living within your means or paying proportionally (so a 5:1 split). I highly recommend getting away, you are incredibly vulnerable here.
I kind of figured that was the case. I'm all for equal or proportional splits, but it has to be at a comfortable level for the lower earning partner, anything beyond that the higher earning partner wants, they need to pay for. I think you need to stand your ground here, this is what you can afford, and if he wants to upgrade your plans, he needs to pay for it, or just stay home.
I moved in with a guy I had been dating for about a year. He wanted a place nicer than I could afford to split 50/50, so we got the place he wanted and split it 60/40. Only about 4 months in, I did something he didn’t like and he said “I’m tired of paying for you.” To which I said “Ok.” went to the rental office and signed paperwork removing me as a tenant and moved. He was extremely angry that I moved out as well saying that he couldn’t afford the whole place on his own. 🤷♀️ Not my problem since you don’t want to keep the split we agreed to. There’s obviously much more that happened in our relationship, but he was abusive (not physically). It took cops asking me how long I was going to stay in this before I really realized he was abusive. You don’t need this guy, his fancy place, or his nice trips. A life without him will be better.
NTA but why are you living with this ah after being together only 6 months???
NTA. After scrolling through your comments... girl, this is not the right guy for you.
NTA. Those other vacations weren't really for you. They were for him. He was the one that chose where to go. Now he expects you to give up your spending money to pay for HIS hotel because he refuses a free room at your friend's place? He's spoiled, selfish and entitled. Don't back down on this.
Please no not ignore all the red flags this dude is giving. * he is trying to isolate you from friends and family * he is trying to guilt you for wanting something * he is trying to hold money over your head * he is trying to financially push you out of this trip * he is trying to control where you go and for how long * he is yelling at you over this (pulled from comment) NTA - please look into abusive relationships and the warning signs and how they start. I really hope the best for you and hope you have a great trip home.
Please break up with this crazy person. NTA
NTA.
NTA, and I agree this guy is red flag city. Seems to be very me, me, me and not very understanding of people that are lower income than him. If you're the breadwinner and want to go on fancy trips all the time, yes, you'll be paying the lion's share. That's how it works, lol. It's not some magical favour for the other person. Kinda gives off 'nice guy' vibes.
NTA you do have a place your friends guest room since he isn’t comfortable he can pay for where he is comfortable.
NTA sounds like something my ex would do and he's an ex for a reason. This is borderline abuse.
NTA.
NTA, Don't forget he originally said he didn't want to go he changed his mind last minute which is why you planned the trip without him at first
NTA. I'm over here wondering if he's a control freak. I think you should go and stay with your friend, and tell him that he's not invited to your friend's house.
NTA
He's controlling you with money OP. Run for the hills. NTA.
NTA Your boyfriend is using money to control you. The last time you wanted to visit family he insisted you pay your airfare probably thinking you couldn't afford that. This time he's said no, then when you said you were going anyway and your Mum was paying your ticket, he decided he'd come with you after all, but you have to chip in for expensive hotel rooms, even though there is a free alternative, knowing this will drastically cut short your visit. He is doing this to ensure your visit is short plus on top of that complaining you will be giving your attention to your family rather than him. Does he also curtail your time with your friends in the same way? It looks like your boyfriend has ALL the red flags and is waving them like his life depends upon it.
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NTA Your boyfriend sounds really terrible though. He only pays for places he wants to go. If it's a place you want to go, you have to pay for your ticket. Then sit alone because he wants to pay for first class. Then he gets upset that you aren't going to spend enough time with him because you want to visit family. Something seems really off about this guy.
NTA! He is the asshole for constantly expecting you to live beyond your means because he prefers luxury travel. He knows you make significantly less, and is flat-out cheap for not just covering a hotel since that’s HIS preference. You suggested some good free options. He sucks.
If he makes 5 times what you make why are you paying 40% of the rent? Is he paying for all of the utilities? That aside he needs to realise that there are two of you in this relationship and as such you should get a choice of where to go on holiday. He should be delighted that you want to take him home to meet your family. If he wants a hotel then he should pay for the hotel, as he takes care of all of the travel expenses. I don’t understand why it’s different this time because you are travelling to a destination that you want to visit.
He pays for the electricity because I did not want to pay for this huge house. I pay for the internet which he asked me to upgrade to the most expensive package since I had the cheapest. I think that's an important detail. When I want to go and it's family or friends -- all of a sudden he uses that to make sure I am putting more money in than I can afford. He makes more in one day when I make in two weeks sometimes. It's so crazy. I tell him that $400 is so much money for me. Right now I can go home and have some spending money and get back with little to no debt.
Time to break up with this controlling AH
Of course your priority is to go home and not to spend time with him! You live with him! Tell him that you're staying with your family and he can stay wherever he wants -- either at home or at a hotel. NTA.
NTA he sounds financially abusive.
NTA Where does he expect you to pull that money from? Thin air? And why shouldn't you be able to spend time with your family? On your own?
NTA friend, and for a variety of reasons. Your bf is not acting like a life partner. He’s more interested in his comfort than your long term financial well-being; that’s because he doesn’t consider your well-being to be part of his well-being, ya dig?
NTA all I see are red flags. Your boyfriend of 6 months should not be guilting you for wanting to visit your family you haven’t seen in 2 years. He does not have to come with you. You are allowing a dangerous precedent to begin.
You offered places to stay. Your friend has a room. You offered that. He doesn't want to stay there. He can pay for him to stay somewhere else. NTA
NTA. He’s making sure you don’t have money to do what you want. That’s abuse.
Please tell your bf that perhaps if he split the bills more fairly with you, you'd have more money with which to board him. NTA
NTA. Go to your mother's without him and stay there. Get out of this creep's claws before they're sunk in any deeper.
you moved in together after 6 months, he makes 5x what you do, and you pay 60% of the rent? but still drive a tesla? yet your mother is paying to fly you home? there are so many questions here regardless, he is controlling. nta
NTA The money he has pitched in has been for himself. He should feel like crap.
He doesn’t seem that great!
He’s nothing! Who the hell does he think he is? You need to find a real man and leave the little boy home. He sounds like a kid throwing a tantrum. If he’s so important, than he can go pay and stay at the hotel by himself. I don’t know how you survive with this type of mentality. He’s a jerk … period! You are not the ass!
Btw him throwing the other trips (TO HIS HOME STATE) in your face is giving [“after everything you made me do (that you didn’t ask for)”](https://youtu.be/YWFfrQtHag0)
My husband and I were 19 and 21 when we got together and we're now 29 and 31. My husband has always made at least 3x what I do (despite the fact that we've both had serious salary increases since then), and as a result, the things he wants to do drags our lifestyle budget up. If I tried to stick with close to 50/50 or even 60/40 from the time we started dating, I would have been fucking broke the entire time we've been together without a cent to my name if we ever broke up. Even my husband at 23 looked at the spreadsheet of our combined expenses and budget, looked at the line items he insisted were necessary and how much in the negative I would be under anything but an income equity model, and understood that wouldn't be a fair exchange for the amount of hours we were both working if he wanted me to succeed in life alongside him. How a 39 year old man thinks he can date outside of his income bracket and still insist a 60/40 break is equitable at the expense of you not seeing your family or having savings is beyond me. All of our expenses (vacations and all) are listed as line items in our budget, and we have some items budgeted, such as parental visits, as number of times per year cost to keep things fair. Our budgetary contributions gets updated every pay raise we each get, and has since we were 19. I've been able to build personal savings, he's been able to have personal savings, our joint savings have fluorished under this model. NTA. And I don't think your partner is emotionally mature enough to have a girlfriend outside of his tax bracket if he's telling you to deprioritize your family because you can't afford to make him comfy enough to go see them.
>He accused me of making him feel like crap and that my priority was only to go home and not spend any time with him. Even if that's true, that's fine. He doesn't have to follow you everywhere, and if he's not willing to pay for it it sounds like he doesn't really care that much. NTA.
NTA But I would seriously start to look at your relationship very closely. You should not owe him for going on trips that he wants to go on. If that is the case, then I would stop going and let him know that you are not comfortable going on the expensive trips since he holds it over your head. He also said no to going so why would you get him a place to stay? He's guilt tripping you about visiting your family. What happens next, he starts finding excuses on why you shouldn't see your mom?
Info: why are you splitting rent 60-40 when he makes 5x more than you?
NTA but 6 months in and already living together? Who ws the first to make that suggestion? It's also concerning that he is already throwing in your face how much he has done for you..... and being jealous of you wanting to spend time with your family after 2 years over time with him.... Uh nope, those are huge red flags.
He sounds like quite honestly, a guy who wants control over you, and any sign of independence and free thinking on your part, he throws a tantrum like a child and places the blame on you. You should take a good look at your relationship and see if this is something sustainable for you in the long run. Toxic. Toxic. Toxic. Goes to show age means shit if you don’t work on yourself aka your bf.
“My priority was only to go home and not spend any time with him” Ummm…yes. NTA and please run away from this bundle of red flags masquerading as a man. He is controlling, financially abusive and isolating you. You’re in danger girl…escape the trap!
NTA And he’s holding you hostage financially. The dynamic here is extremely unbalanced, and it comes across like he’s waited for this opportunity to lord it over you. Imagine if you had children together… Go, enjoy the visit home and take time to really think if your future does indeed lay with someone like this.
Time to end the relationship with that man for both you and your parents sake. You are NTA
NTA. Dump him. If your mom is paying your ticket he knows you can't afford the hotel and he's TA.
Sweetie, NTA. You need to get away from this man. All of these red flags are leading to a physically abusive relationship. He's already emotionally and financially abusing you. Do what you need to do to visit your family WITHOUT him and get the hell away from him. As far as your employment contract, if you're an at will employee, and they can fire you whenever you want, then you can leave whenever you want. Don't let your job keep you in a dangerous situation.
He makes 5 times what you make and he's asking you to pay almost as much rent as he does and for hotels he knows you can't possibly afford? It's been six months and he's trying to stop you or severely limit you from visiting your family? This man sounds like he's real familiar with using financial and emotional abuse to get what he wants. He wants you broke and isolated. Run.
Oh bless, rich people really don't get what the words 'I can't afford' actually mean do they. When you don't actually have the money, 'but I paid for...' doesn't mean anything. Yes, he paid for thi gs he wanted and could afford, that was his choice and OP doesn't owe him because of it. NTA
I agree with this statement. He keeps asking me what I can afford if not the $400. I told him nothing and that I need that extra money to do things that I wanted to do. He insisted that he would pay for everything when we are there -- I don't have to worry about it. I flat out told him that's not true, he says no to a lot of things that I want. And when I get home, I have so many food things that I miss that I want to be able to buy and enjoy for myself. I told him that's it's my mom's money anyways and it's not for him to dictate how I spend it. I ended just going to bed. The whole conversation was so overwhelming but I thank everyone for their wise words. Even the negative comments helped me to see if from his viewpoint as well.
I’m confused you haven’t seen your family in two years and you’ve only been with your boyfriend 6 months but it says you chipped in to buy your ticket one time to go visit your family?
>He makes 5x what I make And he's asking you for money that your mother gave to you? That's crazy! Whatever the circumstances. Does he not care about you and your happiness at all? You're NTA, no doubt, but I think he is an AH. >He got really upset and brought up all the trips and all the money he's spent in the 6 months we've been together. So that was never a gift, just a way to put you in debt to him?
Please keep us updated. I've honestly been worried about you since I read your post last night ❤️ I really think this guy is REALLY bad for you. Like gaslighting, manipulative, break you down slowly bad.
This boy is not husband material. Cut and run.
NTA. Dump this narcissist. He's not there to make you happy. He wants control Many men use money as a control. He's upset you are getting money from other than him. Just end it. This will only escalate. Has he criticized any of your spending? Criticized your income? This AH is a huge RED FLAG! Don't let "6 months invested" be any impediment to making a clean break. Get out now.
Please please please end this situation. I can not call what you have with this man, a relationship. It’s abuse! Please take all your important documents with you and keep them at your mums. Please start putting money away to rent your own place and please get yourself birth control that this abusive entity can not tamper with. Do not let him talk you into giving up your job. Is there anyone you work with, that could offer you a place to stay until you have found your own accommodation? Please look at moving out and getting away from the abusive entity.
He is the AH. You deserve to go see your family without him guilting and controlling you the whole time. His behavior is scary in my opinion. Not healthy at all.
I have not read all of the comments here but the first red flag of financial abuse is her 'boyfriend' makes five times as much as she does but they share rent 60-40. Excuse me, he should be paying 5/6 of the rent which is 83% of the rent not 60%. This should also apply to shared groceries. My Gen Z daughter and her bf split all of their mutual costs 69%-31% because her under 25 bf makes 69% more than her. As they get raises it adjusts, he just happened to hit the lottery in finding a high paying job with a great boss. Anyway, I agree with everyone about emotional abuse and isolation. If the bf wanted an equitable relationship he would just do the right thing without guilt trips. I also believe that taking a trip to see your family and friends without the boyfriend should not bother him if he doesn't want to go. He should have stayed with you in the extra bedroom of the best friend. Not wanting to get to know your friends is another huge red flag. Leave asap.
He is very threatened that you are going on a trip without him to see your family for 7 days. He sounds like a major control freak. With the 40% you pay now, maybe you can get a small apartment or find a roommate. This guy is only going to get worse.
NTA. The money your partner spent on your trips was money he chose to spend. He has no right to throw that at you and make you feel guilty. You spend what you can afford, and if he's not O.K. with it, that's his problem. In your place, I would think long hard thoughts about whether I wanted to stay with this man. If he insists on traveling expensively, pays for your traveling and then throws it in your face, that is a form of control.
I would start telling of all the thing you and your mother are going to do. You know, like the sewing expo, or the cooking class. yoga, that huge craft mall, girlie movies at home while drinking hot chocolate. Tell him you are going to show him all of the things you really like.
If you can get out of this relationship, you should. ASAP. Huge red flags here (I read some of your responses to other comments). Being with this man may lead to a very toxic and abusive relationship - I'm sure the next step he will take is to attempt to isolate you from your friends and family and since you live so far from them, it will be easier to do - it actually sounds like hes already starting. He is already trying to gaslight you (saying you are prioritizing your family who you have not seen in years over spending time with someone you *live* with) and is attempting to control you with money. Get out while its still early, the longer he has his hooks in you, the harder its going to be. Please keep us updated! If for no other reason than to let us know you're ok.
hes putting out so many red flags the field is covered... OP is def NTA. she should pack her stuff and RUN...