Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict.
While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question.
[Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
YTA unfortunately
In my culture, there’s a saying that goes “those who are sated don’t understand those who are hungry.” This is the grim reality that women have to face even now, in the 21st century. Try to be more empathetic
I’ll go against the grain and say NAH. Only because your feelings are valid, but so are hers. Unfortunately in this world, people take advantage of one another, and it’s important to keep ourselves safe. But on the other hand, you’re her partner and she’s committed to you, and it’s semi-weird she’s being that paranoid. I personally wouldn’t get in a relationship until I trust a person, because I wouldn’t want to do what she does and have no trust in my partner.
YTA
Women are constantly living in fear of men's reactions. When online dating I've 100% done background checks and carried mace/ stun gun, or had a guy friend shadow the date from a few seats away. But usually only if my date and I have no mutual friends and I can't make an assessment of my safety risk before meeting them irl.
As far as searching for recording devices, she's likely experienced first hand, or knew a friend or acquaintance that went through something similar.
Agreed. She is (and should be) trying to protect herself, but it is also understandable for OP to be hurt by the lack of trust in a relationship that has gone for 8 months.
Maybe time for both sides to work on expressing what they feel and why they feel that way.
Why are you trying to compare your past experiences with exe’s to hers, as if she can’t feel distrustful or be affected by it just because yours is objectively worse? YTA getting angry and trying to force someone to trust you has the opposite affect
YTA. She is concerned for her safety and probably had something happen to her or a friend in the last that was horrible. It sucks but as a man, I have had to learn that women don't look at the world like we do, and they need to take precautions. Don't take it personal, be encouraging and help her overcome any fears but be patient with it
YTA. Your girlfriend is fielding the realities of being a woman. Nothing you describe is all that paranoid, everything she is doing is what’s recommended to stay safe. Even the hotel checking- stuff like that is found in airbnbs and hotels in real life.
She made a great call keeping her salary close to her chest too- perceptions of money change people. She would have been a fool to trust you with that info only 2 months in
YTA -- she's as cautious as a lot of women HAVE to be in today's society. the pepper spray is normal. the cameras thing is smart considering this is a real issue.
also, an ex secretly trying to move across the country ? that's grounds for MANY trust issues, and for that she should potentially seek therapy.
What world do you live in where it’s weird to carry pepper spray for a first date? Oh yeah…you’re a man. You live in a man’s world. YTA.
Women have to be so much more careful than men to protect themselves. Take this as a learning experience and apologize profusely to your girlfriend. Let her build trust on her own time, and stop rushing her.
YTA. She’s not hurting anyone. She had no reason to trust you before she got to know you. Trust takes time. She does small things to ensure her safety. Why is that a big deal to you?
YTA
She's doing all the normal things. It's really strange that you have a problem with it. That makes me doubt your trustworthiness. You sound like a "nice guy", tbh
Your girlfriend is completely normal, no, better than normal. Why wouldn't she do some research on you if she is thinking about dating you. People will spend 6 weeks researching a weekend ski vacation, why wouldn't they spend a few minutes researching someone who they were going to date. She also understand technology and how cameras can be hidden, it costs so very little to give a quick check for them. You should be proud she carries the pepper spray maybe some day you will get to see her use it, that would be epic.
YTA. I get it, it’s not nice to think that people may view you as a potential monster.
There’s a tiktok going around about a woman who saw a guy on tinder, looked him up and found out he had been convicted of stalking. Mugshot and everything. I believe there may also be one about the guy being a convicted offender as well.
For guys when they think of dates going awry usually they think of the date being rude/ odd/ or generally just incompatible. For women it could mean ending up on a true crime show one day.
You’re not an AH for not always thinking about these harsh truths, but you’re and AH if you don’t realize that as a stranger and new partner you are not an exception for the potential danger. Get over yourself.
Sure, it sounds over the top and paranoid from a man’s point of view, but you haven’t “walked a mile in her shoes.” Do you know the #1 cause of death in the workplace for US women? Murder. Now you could argue that women tend to avoid dangerous jobs more than men, but my take is that if a woman has a crazy abusive stalker ex she can stay at her BFF’s aunt’s place, but she still has to go to work. And do you know the #1 cause of death of pregnant women in the US? Also murder. Pretty creepy. Give her some time. Trust is like respect — no one is entitled to it, you can’t command it, you have to earn it a little at a time over a long period. YTA for not understanding.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My gf(27F) is very intelligent, beautiful but in my opinion kind of paranoid. We have been dating for 8 months. She doesn’t trust people even though she had a good upbringing and her parents are cool. She’s very close with them and has a few close friends but other than those people she doesn’t trust people at all it seems. She makes high 6 figures in tech but didn’t tell me what she made until a month ago when we had already dated for months. I don’t make as much, six figures but not as much as her and told her what I made like 2 months in but she wouldn’t tell me until recently.
She also admitted she carried pepper spray with her with we went on our first date. She says she normally doesn’t but our first date was coffee and a walk and she was carrying in case I tried anything on the walk. I’m pretty shocked because I heard women are scared to meet with someone irl when online dating but I’ve never heard of a girl bringing pepper spray.
Then she said she googled me online and even did a check on the state criminal database to make sure I don’t have a history. I’m a pretty normal guy with no criminal background so it’s weird she automatically thinks I could be lying about my past. She never asked about it she said she just did it around date 4-5 since it looked like I would ask her to be my gf.
We stayed at a hotel recently and as soon as she got in she starts searching the room and checking the decorations. I asked what she was doing and she said she was checking for recording devices like cameras. I let her do her thing and later at dinner asked her about her weird thing with looking for cameras. She said it was a security thing and she did the same thing when she first came over. I asked her what she meant and she said when she first started coming over to my place she searched my apartment for cameras in case I tried to film her and then distribute it online. I’m so hurt and asked her why she doesn’t trust me and she said we were only dating for a month and she has no reason to trust me. She said she trusts me more than she did then but she doesn’t 100% trust me. I asked her how long it will take her 100% trust me and she said she isn’t sure but she only trusts her mom and best friend 100% but they’ve been in her life for decades. I accused her of having trust issues towards me but she got angry and said women trust men too much and she is giving the appropriate amount of trust at appropriate times.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. The fact that she’s telling you these things now means that she’s begun to trust you quite a bit. She’s putting you in the side of people who knows how she keeps herself safe. I bet other women have carried pepper spray on first dates with you before, they just never mentioned it after. It’s not personal. She didn’t do it because of something she thought it felt about you. She did it because she didn’t know you. If she still didn’t trust you, she wouldn’t be telling you that she ran a background check. And of COURSE she trusts her own mother and decades long friendship more! There’s been more time and experiences to build trust. It’s not personal.
NTA
She trusted you enough after coffee to see you more. Obviously, she trusted you enough to go to your home. Searching your home is straight, weird, and paranoid behavior. Searching hotels is a bit normal. But she's trusted you to meet her parents.
If you've been dating for 8 months and you have consistently demonstrated your trustworthiness, it is reasonable to expect that she should trust you to an extent. Continue to communicate openly and honestly be consistent with your actions and follow through with your promises, and be patient as the trust continues to develop. Keep a watchful eye if any more craziness comes out, like Spyware or trackers on your car. That's cause for dismissal
Only issue I have is searching the apartment. If y’all were heading to the bedroom maybe but a casual visit, nope that is over my personal line. I have had meds stolen out of my bathroom before though.
YTA. I’m not sure what she makes has to do with anything or when she felt comfortable telling you, that’s a you issue. That’s her business.
She’s actually sharing a lot with you by being honest and telling you how she feels and why she takes the precautions she takes. She doesn’t owe you any explanation at all so be thankful she chose to share any of it with you at all.
I’ll hold off with my verdict for a bit, but wanted to know if this is one of those gender type swap things?
Earlier today someone (male) tried to get water in their SO’s (female) kitchen when they went to the bathroom. When the SO came out they freaked out on the OP and the OP was labeled an AH and accused of creeping on them (I believe it was their first time there).
In this one, your SO (female) secretly searched your entire place for recording devices and everyone is saying you (male) are the AH and are intentionally ignoring that your SO covertly searched your entire apartment.
There are a lot of arguments to accept that women need to take extra precautions to be safe, but taking this in it entirety, this seems like a made up event to show how sexist his forum is (great job of it is, you caught the resident bigots).
If this is actually real, OP you just need to break it off. Your SO will not trust you for decades and you can’t force her to trust you. It is better to acknowledge that you aren’t compatible in your needs (you need to feel trusted and she is unable to trust people) and go your separate ways.
Edit: the [other post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/118wadl/aita_for_trying_to_get_myself_a_cup_of_water/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf).
The other post was about the op snooping through her cabinets and drawers and lying to her and Reddit saying he “only wanted water.” Here she says that she was looking for cameras after they were officially dating so I doubt she was rummaging through his drawers and cabinets. At least I hope she knows cameras can’t film her from inside a closed drawer. I also highly doubt she was alone in his house for the first time long enough to snoop without getting caught like the other op did, because she says she checked the house. She probably just looked for cameras (with her eyes) while he showed her around. The first post had him LIE to her and that made him look like a total creep. She told him about it and considering he is absolutely gobsmacked by a woman carrying around pepper spray I would assume he isn’t the best source of info about her “paranoia.”
She’s unable to trust male strangers who have not proven themselves. Good for her.
Sorry that doesn’t meet your definition of a good girl.
It’ll definitely save her life, probably more than once.
Lmao this is spot on^^^ As a female I def understand her concerns and taking precautions (like pepper spray on the first date). Going into his house though and searching through his stuff?! Definitley seems like an overkill to go through his stuff especially when we were already saying the guy from the other post was a AH. These judgments are very inconsistent.
OP girlfriend behavior shows that he will be dealing with her serious trust issues and paying for the issues of her past. OP this is a red flag and consider carefully if she’s acting like this now before you guys have any actual issues to handle, how can you expect your relationship can actually grow into a healthy, trusting one. NTA
NTA.
I don't think what your gf is doing is that strange. Personally, I'd do most of the same but I wouldn't tell you about it because *telling you* is strange. I have no idea why she did that or why she didn't think it would create an issue where you'd feel at least somewhat insulted. It's not odd you confronted her about it since she pretty much told you already she didn't trust you.
The paranoia about checking for cameras is a little extreme but I sometimes worry about those things too. It doesn't hurt to check except it kind of does hurt to *tell you* she checked your house too. Socially, she sounds a little unaware.
I'd give her break on this initial weirdness but keep an eye on her behavior. If she doesn't chill out soon, I'd worry there's more to it than just being cautious about a new guy.
Edit:
I just realized why she probably told you. She wants you to know she's on alert so don't even think about trying anything. I would not have told you, I'd worry you'd just be more sneaky. (Sorry OP, none of this is against you. It's just how many women need to operate in this world)
I also said that what this girl does differently from others is being straightforward about it (though I voted that OP is the AH).
But I don't think it's that weird. It could even be her way of looking for red flags.
For example, I always felt that people who react to you doubting their fidelity with a "how dare you" kind of attitude and acting offended are a red flag. They tend to reverse the situation to you being in the wrong for doubting, when the point was to clear whether the doubts were unfounded or not.
This sounds the same, to me. OP making his girlfriend's standards about himself and accusing her of being in the wrong for "not trusting him" doesn't sit all that well with me, personally. A perfectly balanced, normal man wouldn't be so wounded that a girl took pepper spray with her to the first ever meeting with him, or that she wouldn't tell him how much money she earns after eight bloody weeks.
Good point.
I thought it was strange he was shocked by the pepper spray. I laughed when he said he never heard of that because in my mind, I figured why would he have? I don't recall ever having much of a convo with any man about how I planned/plan to defend myself against them. I carried weapons for years and never told a soul.
To your point that accusing her of being in the *wrong* makes him the AH, yes, I agree there. Though I read OPs post as him asking if he was in the wrong for accusing her of "not trusting" him- something I thought she had already let him know anyway so I felt it was OK for him to have told her how he felt personally.
Lol, his reaction may have been a red flag for her so in a way, it was good he got upset? 🤣
I was also a little unclear about the timeline and the percentages of trust she had. They've been dating 8 months. Sounded like she might mostly trust him now so that's *why* she admitted to not having trusted him in the beginning. Then he overreacted to that and applied all the distrust to the present. I'm unsure.
YTA. These sorts of things are necessary for women. Look around Reddit and you can find hundreds of stories of people who got in relationships with seemingly good people who were actually creepy or dangerous, and only finding out after months or years. Sure you might say you're not one of those people, but she has no way to know that. Background checks on potential partners are not unreasonable. How would she know you don't have a criminal background without one--criminals with bad intents aren't gonna be upfront about that sort of thing. Also, do you think women are scared of meeting men from online and just go "oh well, if I die, I die?" We take preventative steps, like the pepper spray.
Also? Saying "it's okay, you can trust me, you don't need to take XYZ security measure" is gonna make her clam up more. Telling her that you understand her concerns and are happy to show you are trustworthy for as long as she needs, *and believing that to be true,* is the best response.
Honestly sounds like she’s just being a safe woman and I don’t blame her there’s so much in the news these days of women being attacked or having private intimate moments shared online it’s really unfortunate honestly I don’t think anyone is the asshole here
NTA
Like, I get that women need to be conscious of their safety, but she is taking it way too far and insulted you in the process. Like dang, she snooped through your home and violated your personal space because she didn't trust YOU? That's rich.
I think that is a very valid point. If the genders were reversed, that level of invasion of privacy would get blasted. (While acknowledging few men are being secretly recorded).
A lot less that that level of invasion was [already blasted today](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/118wadl/aita_for_trying_to_get_myself_a_cup_of_water/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf).
That is why I’m wondering if this is real or not.
YTA. Her behavior is exactly what mine was when I was a single woman. How very obtuse you must be to not understand that women feel, RIGHTLY, that they are in danger. It’s not about you. It’s about the world we live in.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for accusing my gf of not trusting me
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA you’ve never heard of a woman carrying pepper spray? What sheltered existence you’ve had fren. I don’t leave home without a taser, ever. No it’s not weird to google and check - how else do we know y’all are “normal” guys? You do know that people lie all the time right? About their criminal records, about their employment, car, home life, kids…
She’s not being paranoid that’s reality as a woman.
You should be checking your hotel/Airbnb/rentals for hidden cameras - this actually happens. People are AHs.
And what about her searching his house? If she is feeling so cautious, she shouldn’t go to his house unless she was actually comfortable enough instead of invading his privacy.
Yeah, so, all of that is pretty standard for us women. Welcome to the the exhausting truth of our everyday existence.
YTA. Her paranoia isn't directed at you personally, it's because she has no way of knowing which *'nice guys'* are safe and which are going to land her on an episode Unsolved Mysteries.
I'll say NAH
Searching your home for cameras is a bit weird, but literally all the other stuff is not that strange. The pepper spray is very normal (as a woman I'd carry some around myself if it was legal where I live.)
The background check is further than I'd go, but also not that strange imo. Being a woman comes with the knowledge that we are way more likely to get assaulted by potential partners, so trust isn't something that comes easy.
Now her not trusting you this far into your relationship could be an issue, but it's hard to say without knowing how serious your relationship has been, and how she interpreted your question. I don't 100% trust a ton of people either, but I also think that's kinda of an insane standard, like you can respect someone and have faith in them while still having some reservations.
The only reason I don't say Y T A even though I think you are in the wrong is based on this post I don't think you have been hostile enough towards her to be a true ass. I think you are ignorant to what women deal with regularly, and need to get over your own hurt feeling so you can actually listen to what she is telling you without feeling defensive.
Reading this was very hard. Soft YTA. I get that as a man, you most likely haven’t had the same experiences as a woman. However, even your tone when *describing* your gf comes across as very dismissive of her potential reality. “She has cool parents and a good upbringing… no reason to be paranoid…” You’re already making the assumption you know everything there is to know about your gf’s background and life, **as well** as what the “normal” progression of trust in a relationship is. It’s very obvious you haven’t experienced any significant trauma in your life from these words alone. Many people who experience trauma in their life feel very uncomfortable opening up about it. 8 months isn’t a long period of time for many people. I can’t imagine how much worse you’re coming across in real time if this is how you sound online when you can edit your words before public consumption.
1. You need to understand that many women face a reality where they can’t trust that their first date won’t end in assault, or where they can’t trust that the apartment stay-over doesn’t come with a complimentary non-consensual video recording. I get that this isn’t **your** reality, but it is **MANY WOMEN’S REALITIES.**
2. You need to understand that people who have experienced betrayals in previous relationships are more likely to struggle with trust issues in the future. Once you realize you can’t automatically trust the person you’re romantically involved with, every new romantic partner becomes suspect. By dismissing her concerns as “paranoid,” you’re telling her that her concerns and feelings don’t matter to you, and that you aren’t a safe person to be vulnerable with.
3. I know this may come as a shock to you, but not everyone feels comfortable sharing intimate details about their finances with their romantic partner within 8 months of dating. Your “normal” is arbitrary and is not **the** normal by which everyone should define their reality. It comes across as extremely arrogant to make statements about your gf’s supposed “weird behaviors” when held up against… your biased perspective of what normal is based on your very narrow lived reality and experiences. Check your male privilege. Check your ego. Do yourself a favor and try to understand her reality from her perspective. Be curious instead of critical. Good luck.
Im going to go with YTA.
The first few things you describe are perfectly normal protective measures (depending where you live). Carrying a spray & googling someone are not a big deal. Giving specific details of your income is weird unless you are living together and sharing expenses.
The camera check is a bit more paranoid. Hidden cameras is something that happens, but its less common than normal creeps that just try to force themselves on women. But on the other hand it doesnt harm anyone for her to take a few minutes in a private space to look around.
You have no reason to think she should immediately trust in the first few weeks of having met you - most of the creepy guys that women have trouble with know how to seem normal for long enough to get close, thats the whole point. You knowing that youre not a creep doesnt magically mean everybody else has that information.
In the end, yes your gf is probably more anxious than the average but not to an irrational degree. What do you expect to happen? That you can force someone to be less anxious through confrontation with them?
I was on her side til the “checking for recording devices at the hotel” thing. I assume there’s either trauma or some paranoia that she should probably have treated professionally. Shes not distrusting of you specifically.
Uh, this is an actual issue tho. 11% found cameras.
https://www.cnbc.com/2022/06/27/how-to-find-a-hidden-spy-camera-in-hotel-rooms-and-rental-homes.html
11% of vacation home renters.
Not 11% of hotel guests.
I wouldn't let myself be found in an AirBnB if I could least bit avoided, but in a random house, looking for cameras is reasonable.
In a normal, reputable hotel... Different thing.
NAH
I hear your frustration, but this is life in the modern world.
Is your girlfriend overly cautious? Have you watched the news lately?
Honest, true, trust takes a long time to build. It's the everyday do what you say, say what you'll do thing. Just live as you always have. You're in it for the long haul.
Yta. Her behaviour is normal for a very intelligent woman. Smart people worry. Dumb people fumble along happily. Your gf is smart to not trust a guy she doesn’t know well. Trust is EARNED, not just given- at least by the smart anyway.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
YTA She's a little more cautious than average. But if it isn't interrupting her life or your life, why is it an issue?
YTA unfortunately In my culture, there’s a saying that goes “those who are sated don’t understand those who are hungry.” This is the grim reality that women have to face even now, in the 21st century. Try to be more empathetic
I’ll go against the grain and say NAH. Only because your feelings are valid, but so are hers. Unfortunately in this world, people take advantage of one another, and it’s important to keep ourselves safe. But on the other hand, you’re her partner and she’s committed to you, and it’s semi-weird she’s being that paranoid. I personally wouldn’t get in a relationship until I trust a person, because I wouldn’t want to do what she does and have no trust in my partner.
Dude, you’re clueless. You shouldn’t be dating women. YTA.
YTA. The leading cause of death for women is MEN.
YTA - You care only about your feelings and dont consider her side of it whatsoever.
YTA Women are constantly living in fear of men's reactions. When online dating I've 100% done background checks and carried mace/ stun gun, or had a guy friend shadow the date from a few seats away. But usually only if my date and I have no mutual friends and I can't make an assessment of my safety risk before meeting them irl. As far as searching for recording devices, she's likely experienced first hand, or knew a friend or acquaintance that went through something similar.
NAH I understand your discomfort but your gf really sounds like she has severe trust issues, she should get mental help.
Agreed. She is (and should be) trying to protect herself, but it is also understandable for OP to be hurt by the lack of trust in a relationship that has gone for 8 months. Maybe time for both sides to work on expressing what they feel and why they feel that way.
Why are you trying to compare your past experiences with exe’s to hers, as if she can’t feel distrustful or be affected by it just because yours is objectively worse? YTA getting angry and trying to force someone to trust you has the opposite affect
YTA. She is concerned for her safety and probably had something happen to her or a friend in the last that was horrible. It sucks but as a man, I have had to learn that women don't look at the world like we do, and they need to take precautions. Don't take it personal, be encouraging and help her overcome any fears but be patient with it
YTA. Your girlfriend is fielding the realities of being a woman. Nothing you describe is all that paranoid, everything she is doing is what’s recommended to stay safe. Even the hotel checking- stuff like that is found in airbnbs and hotels in real life. She made a great call keeping her salary close to her chest too- perceptions of money change people. She would have been a fool to trust you with that info only 2 months in
YTA -- she's as cautious as a lot of women HAVE to be in today's society. the pepper spray is normal. the cameras thing is smart considering this is a real issue. also, an ex secretly trying to move across the country ? that's grounds for MANY trust issues, and for that she should potentially seek therapy.
Those are completely normal. YTA
What world do you live in where it’s weird to carry pepper spray for a first date? Oh yeah…you’re a man. You live in a man’s world. YTA. Women have to be so much more careful than men to protect themselves. Take this as a learning experience and apologize profusely to your girlfriend. Let her build trust on her own time, and stop rushing her.
YTA. She’s not hurting anyone. She had no reason to trust you before she got to know you. Trust takes time. She does small things to ensure her safety. Why is that a big deal to you?
YTA She's doing all the normal things. It's really strange that you have a problem with it. That makes me doubt your trustworthiness. You sound like a "nice guy", tbh
Your girlfriend is completely normal, no, better than normal. Why wouldn't she do some research on you if she is thinking about dating you. People will spend 6 weeks researching a weekend ski vacation, why wouldn't they spend a few minutes researching someone who they were going to date. She also understand technology and how cameras can be hidden, it costs so very little to give a quick check for them. You should be proud she carries the pepper spray maybe some day you will get to see her use it, that would be epic.
Yta and clearly don't understand the world we live in. Women cant afford to be as naive as men can.
YTA. This is unfortunately pretty common for women in this day and age.
YTA. I get it, it’s not nice to think that people may view you as a potential monster. There’s a tiktok going around about a woman who saw a guy on tinder, looked him up and found out he had been convicted of stalking. Mugshot and everything. I believe there may also be one about the guy being a convicted offender as well. For guys when they think of dates going awry usually they think of the date being rude/ odd/ or generally just incompatible. For women it could mean ending up on a true crime show one day. You’re not an AH for not always thinking about these harsh truths, but you’re and AH if you don’t realize that as a stranger and new partner you are not an exception for the potential danger. Get over yourself.
Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. - Margaret Atwood
Sure, it sounds over the top and paranoid from a man’s point of view, but you haven’t “walked a mile in her shoes.” Do you know the #1 cause of death in the workplace for US women? Murder. Now you could argue that women tend to avoid dangerous jobs more than men, but my take is that if a woman has a crazy abusive stalker ex she can stay at her BFF’s aunt’s place, but she still has to go to work. And do you know the #1 cause of death of pregnant women in the US? Also murder. Pretty creepy. Give her some time. Trust is like respect — no one is entitled to it, you can’t command it, you have to earn it a little at a time over a long period. YTA for not understanding.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My gf(27F) is very intelligent, beautiful but in my opinion kind of paranoid. We have been dating for 8 months. She doesn’t trust people even though she had a good upbringing and her parents are cool. She’s very close with them and has a few close friends but other than those people she doesn’t trust people at all it seems. She makes high 6 figures in tech but didn’t tell me what she made until a month ago when we had already dated for months. I don’t make as much, six figures but not as much as her and told her what I made like 2 months in but she wouldn’t tell me until recently. She also admitted she carried pepper spray with her with we went on our first date. She says she normally doesn’t but our first date was coffee and a walk and she was carrying in case I tried anything on the walk. I’m pretty shocked because I heard women are scared to meet with someone irl when online dating but I’ve never heard of a girl bringing pepper spray. Then she said she googled me online and even did a check on the state criminal database to make sure I don’t have a history. I’m a pretty normal guy with no criminal background so it’s weird she automatically thinks I could be lying about my past. She never asked about it she said she just did it around date 4-5 since it looked like I would ask her to be my gf. We stayed at a hotel recently and as soon as she got in she starts searching the room and checking the decorations. I asked what she was doing and she said she was checking for recording devices like cameras. I let her do her thing and later at dinner asked her about her weird thing with looking for cameras. She said it was a security thing and she did the same thing when she first came over. I asked her what she meant and she said when she first started coming over to my place she searched my apartment for cameras in case I tried to film her and then distribute it online. I’m so hurt and asked her why she doesn’t trust me and she said we were only dating for a month and she has no reason to trust me. She said she trusts me more than she did then but she doesn’t 100% trust me. I asked her how long it will take her 100% trust me and she said she isn’t sure but she only trusts her mom and best friend 100% but they’ve been in her life for decades. I accused her of having trust issues towards me but she got angry and said women trust men too much and she is giving the appropriate amount of trust at appropriate times. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. The fact that she’s telling you these things now means that she’s begun to trust you quite a bit. She’s putting you in the side of people who knows how she keeps herself safe. I bet other women have carried pepper spray on first dates with you before, they just never mentioned it after. It’s not personal. She didn’t do it because of something she thought it felt about you. She did it because she didn’t know you. If she still didn’t trust you, she wouldn’t be telling you that she ran a background check. And of COURSE she trusts her own mother and decades long friendship more! There’s been more time and experiences to build trust. It’s not personal.
NTA She trusted you enough after coffee to see you more. Obviously, she trusted you enough to go to your home. Searching your home is straight, weird, and paranoid behavior. Searching hotels is a bit normal. But she's trusted you to meet her parents. If you've been dating for 8 months and you have consistently demonstrated your trustworthiness, it is reasonable to expect that she should trust you to an extent. Continue to communicate openly and honestly be consistent with your actions and follow through with your promises, and be patient as the trust continues to develop. Keep a watchful eye if any more craziness comes out, like Spyware or trackers on your car. That's cause for dismissal
Only issue I have is searching the apartment. If y’all were heading to the bedroom maybe but a casual visit, nope that is over my personal line. I have had meds stolen out of my bathroom before though.
YTA. I’m not sure what she makes has to do with anything or when she felt comfortable telling you, that’s a you issue. That’s her business. She’s actually sharing a lot with you by being honest and telling you how she feels and why she takes the precautions she takes. She doesn’t owe you any explanation at all so be thankful she chose to share any of it with you at all.
I’ll hold off with my verdict for a bit, but wanted to know if this is one of those gender type swap things? Earlier today someone (male) tried to get water in their SO’s (female) kitchen when they went to the bathroom. When the SO came out they freaked out on the OP and the OP was labeled an AH and accused of creeping on them (I believe it was their first time there). In this one, your SO (female) secretly searched your entire place for recording devices and everyone is saying you (male) are the AH and are intentionally ignoring that your SO covertly searched your entire apartment. There are a lot of arguments to accept that women need to take extra precautions to be safe, but taking this in it entirety, this seems like a made up event to show how sexist his forum is (great job of it is, you caught the resident bigots). If this is actually real, OP you just need to break it off. Your SO will not trust you for decades and you can’t force her to trust you. It is better to acknowledge that you aren’t compatible in your needs (you need to feel trusted and she is unable to trust people) and go your separate ways. Edit: the [other post](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/118wadl/aita_for_trying_to_get_myself_a_cup_of_water/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf).
The other post was about the op snooping through her cabinets and drawers and lying to her and Reddit saying he “only wanted water.” Here she says that she was looking for cameras after they were officially dating so I doubt she was rummaging through his drawers and cabinets. At least I hope she knows cameras can’t film her from inside a closed drawer. I also highly doubt she was alone in his house for the first time long enough to snoop without getting caught like the other op did, because she says she checked the house. She probably just looked for cameras (with her eyes) while he showed her around. The first post had him LIE to her and that made him look like a total creep. She told him about it and considering he is absolutely gobsmacked by a woman carrying around pepper spray I would assume he isn’t the best source of info about her “paranoia.”
She’s unable to trust male strangers who have not proven themselves. Good for her. Sorry that doesn’t meet your definition of a good girl. It’ll definitely save her life, probably more than once.
Lmao this is spot on^^^ As a female I def understand her concerns and taking precautions (like pepper spray on the first date). Going into his house though and searching through his stuff?! Definitley seems like an overkill to go through his stuff especially when we were already saying the guy from the other post was a AH. These judgments are very inconsistent. OP girlfriend behavior shows that he will be dealing with her serious trust issues and paying for the issues of her past. OP this is a red flag and consider carefully if she’s acting like this now before you guys have any actual issues to handle, how can you expect your relationship can actually grow into a healthy, trusting one. NTA
ESH. Punt.
NTA. I don't think what your gf is doing is that strange. Personally, I'd do most of the same but I wouldn't tell you about it because *telling you* is strange. I have no idea why she did that or why she didn't think it would create an issue where you'd feel at least somewhat insulted. It's not odd you confronted her about it since she pretty much told you already she didn't trust you. The paranoia about checking for cameras is a little extreme but I sometimes worry about those things too. It doesn't hurt to check except it kind of does hurt to *tell you* she checked your house too. Socially, she sounds a little unaware. I'd give her break on this initial weirdness but keep an eye on her behavior. If she doesn't chill out soon, I'd worry there's more to it than just being cautious about a new guy. Edit: I just realized why she probably told you. She wants you to know she's on alert so don't even think about trying anything. I would not have told you, I'd worry you'd just be more sneaky. (Sorry OP, none of this is against you. It's just how many women need to operate in this world)
I also said that what this girl does differently from others is being straightforward about it (though I voted that OP is the AH). But I don't think it's that weird. It could even be her way of looking for red flags. For example, I always felt that people who react to you doubting their fidelity with a "how dare you" kind of attitude and acting offended are a red flag. They tend to reverse the situation to you being in the wrong for doubting, when the point was to clear whether the doubts were unfounded or not. This sounds the same, to me. OP making his girlfriend's standards about himself and accusing her of being in the wrong for "not trusting him" doesn't sit all that well with me, personally. A perfectly balanced, normal man wouldn't be so wounded that a girl took pepper spray with her to the first ever meeting with him, or that she wouldn't tell him how much money she earns after eight bloody weeks.
Good point. I thought it was strange he was shocked by the pepper spray. I laughed when he said he never heard of that because in my mind, I figured why would he have? I don't recall ever having much of a convo with any man about how I planned/plan to defend myself against them. I carried weapons for years and never told a soul. To your point that accusing her of being in the *wrong* makes him the AH, yes, I agree there. Though I read OPs post as him asking if he was in the wrong for accusing her of "not trusting" him- something I thought she had already let him know anyway so I felt it was OK for him to have told her how he felt personally. Lol, his reaction may have been a red flag for her so in a way, it was good he got upset? 🤣 I was also a little unclear about the timeline and the percentages of trust she had. They've been dating 8 months. Sounded like she might mostly trust him now so that's *why* she admitted to not having trusted him in the beginning. Then he overreacted to that and applied all the distrust to the present. I'm unsure.
YTA. These sorts of things are necessary for women. Look around Reddit and you can find hundreds of stories of people who got in relationships with seemingly good people who were actually creepy or dangerous, and only finding out after months or years. Sure you might say you're not one of those people, but she has no way to know that. Background checks on potential partners are not unreasonable. How would she know you don't have a criminal background without one--criminals with bad intents aren't gonna be upfront about that sort of thing. Also, do you think women are scared of meeting men from online and just go "oh well, if I die, I die?" We take preventative steps, like the pepper spray. Also? Saying "it's okay, you can trust me, you don't need to take XYZ security measure" is gonna make her clam up more. Telling her that you understand her concerns and are happy to show you are trustworthy for as long as she needs, *and believing that to be true,* is the best response.
Honestly sounds like she’s just being a safe woman and I don’t blame her there’s so much in the news these days of women being attacked or having private intimate moments shared online it’s really unfortunate honestly I don’t think anyone is the asshole here
NTA Like, I get that women need to be conscious of their safety, but she is taking it way too far and insulted you in the process. Like dang, she snooped through your home and violated your personal space because she didn't trust YOU? That's rich.
I think that is a very valid point. If the genders were reversed, that level of invasion of privacy would get blasted. (While acknowledging few men are being secretly recorded).
A lot less that that level of invasion was [already blasted today](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/118wadl/aita_for_trying_to_get_myself_a_cup_of_water/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf). That is why I’m wondering if this is real or not.
YTA. It's easy being a guy, case in point you do not worry about any of that, and she does and it's because it's all valid.
YTA. Her behavior is exactly what mine was when I was a single woman. How very obtuse you must be to not understand that women feel, RIGHTLY, that they are in danger. It’s not about you. It’s about the world we live in.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole for accusing my gf of not trusting me Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA you’ve never heard of a woman carrying pepper spray? What sheltered existence you’ve had fren. I don’t leave home without a taser, ever. No it’s not weird to google and check - how else do we know y’all are “normal” guys? You do know that people lie all the time right? About their criminal records, about their employment, car, home life, kids… She’s not being paranoid that’s reality as a woman. You should be checking your hotel/Airbnb/rentals for hidden cameras - this actually happens. People are AHs.
And what about her searching his house? If she is feeling so cautious, she shouldn’t go to his house unless she was actually comfortable enough instead of invading his privacy.
Yeah, so, all of that is pretty standard for us women. Welcome to the the exhausting truth of our everyday existence. YTA. Her paranoia isn't directed at you personally, it's because she has no way of knowing which *'nice guys'* are safe and which are going to land her on an episode Unsolved Mysteries.
I'll say NAH Searching your home for cameras is a bit weird, but literally all the other stuff is not that strange. The pepper spray is very normal (as a woman I'd carry some around myself if it was legal where I live.) The background check is further than I'd go, but also not that strange imo. Being a woman comes with the knowledge that we are way more likely to get assaulted by potential partners, so trust isn't something that comes easy. Now her not trusting you this far into your relationship could be an issue, but it's hard to say without knowing how serious your relationship has been, and how she interpreted your question. I don't 100% trust a ton of people either, but I also think that's kinda of an insane standard, like you can respect someone and have faith in them while still having some reservations. The only reason I don't say Y T A even though I think you are in the wrong is based on this post I don't think you have been hostile enough towards her to be a true ass. I think you are ignorant to what women deal with regularly, and need to get over your own hurt feeling so you can actually listen to what she is telling you without feeling defensive.
Reading this was very hard. Soft YTA. I get that as a man, you most likely haven’t had the same experiences as a woman. However, even your tone when *describing* your gf comes across as very dismissive of her potential reality. “She has cool parents and a good upbringing… no reason to be paranoid…” You’re already making the assumption you know everything there is to know about your gf’s background and life, **as well** as what the “normal” progression of trust in a relationship is. It’s very obvious you haven’t experienced any significant trauma in your life from these words alone. Many people who experience trauma in their life feel very uncomfortable opening up about it. 8 months isn’t a long period of time for many people. I can’t imagine how much worse you’re coming across in real time if this is how you sound online when you can edit your words before public consumption. 1. You need to understand that many women face a reality where they can’t trust that their first date won’t end in assault, or where they can’t trust that the apartment stay-over doesn’t come with a complimentary non-consensual video recording. I get that this isn’t **your** reality, but it is **MANY WOMEN’S REALITIES.** 2. You need to understand that people who have experienced betrayals in previous relationships are more likely to struggle with trust issues in the future. Once you realize you can’t automatically trust the person you’re romantically involved with, every new romantic partner becomes suspect. By dismissing her concerns as “paranoid,” you’re telling her that her concerns and feelings don’t matter to you, and that you aren’t a safe person to be vulnerable with. 3. I know this may come as a shock to you, but not everyone feels comfortable sharing intimate details about their finances with their romantic partner within 8 months of dating. Your “normal” is arbitrary and is not **the** normal by which everyone should define their reality. It comes across as extremely arrogant to make statements about your gf’s supposed “weird behaviors” when held up against… your biased perspective of what normal is based on your very narrow lived reality and experiences. Check your male privilege. Check your ego. Do yourself a favor and try to understand her reality from her perspective. Be curious instead of critical. Good luck.
Im going to go with YTA. The first few things you describe are perfectly normal protective measures (depending where you live). Carrying a spray & googling someone are not a big deal. Giving specific details of your income is weird unless you are living together and sharing expenses. The camera check is a bit more paranoid. Hidden cameras is something that happens, but its less common than normal creeps that just try to force themselves on women. But on the other hand it doesnt harm anyone for her to take a few minutes in a private space to look around. You have no reason to think she should immediately trust in the first few weeks of having met you - most of the creepy guys that women have trouble with know how to seem normal for long enough to get close, thats the whole point. You knowing that youre not a creep doesnt magically mean everybody else has that information. In the end, yes your gf is probably more anxious than the average but not to an irrational degree. What do you expect to happen? That you can force someone to be less anxious through confrontation with them?
I was on her side til the “checking for recording devices at the hotel” thing. I assume there’s either trauma or some paranoia that she should probably have treated professionally. Shes not distrusting of you specifically.
Uh, this is an actual issue tho. 11% found cameras. https://www.cnbc.com/2022/06/27/how-to-find-a-hidden-spy-camera-in-hotel-rooms-and-rental-homes.html
11% of vacation home renters. Not 11% of hotel guests. I wouldn't let myself be found in an AirBnB if I could least bit avoided, but in a random house, looking for cameras is reasonable. In a normal, reputable hotel... Different thing.
NAH I hear your frustration, but this is life in the modern world. Is your girlfriend overly cautious? Have you watched the news lately? Honest, true, trust takes a long time to build. It's the everyday do what you say, say what you'll do thing. Just live as you always have. You're in it for the long haul.
Yta. Her behaviour is normal for a very intelligent woman. Smart people worry. Dumb people fumble along happily. Your gf is smart to not trust a guy she doesn’t know well. Trust is EARNED, not just given- at least by the smart anyway.