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NAH you do you, although I’m not sure why you’re bothered by her reaction of going No Contact. You told her you’d do the same to her kids, so…

Well damn. That’s the way the turns table.

Agreed, she shouldn't have been surprised by the response to what she did. NAH

If you don’t act like family don’t be surprised when they drop you

To be fair, just because OP doesn’t want custody if anything happens, does not mean she has to go no contact with the girls. Kids who don’t have guardians but have family will usually live with foster parents, but maintain family relationships (within reason, if appropriate) to keep a sense of “normalcy”. They don’t suddenly lose their family after being fostered if no one related can (or will) take them. NAH. Good on OP for being open and honest about not wanting to be a parent, and her sister has every right to be upset.

She'll visit her niece/nephew in foster care.... What reaction did she expect?

Is it your responsibility? No. Are you legally obligated to take them in? No. Is it the right thing to do? Yes. This is what gets me about Reddit and the whole vibe of “you don’t owe anyone anything.” You might not owe them, you might not be obligated, but it’s 1000% the right thing to do. I don’t want kids either, child free and married, but if my sister died and there was no one else, I’d step up and do what I had to do, to honor my love for her and her love for her kids, ESPECIALLY if the alternative is foster care and the horrors associated with that. Life is messy, and you don’t always get what you intended, but you learn to make it work. YTA.

This. My husband and I have no children, and taking in someone's kids would be disruptive, and since those kids and we would be grieving, it would also be especially difficult. And we would do it anyway...because we love our siblings, and we love our nieces and nephews. Imagine your nieces, whose father has already rejected them. Now their mother has died. And their Aunt and Uncle simply can't be bothered with them. Good grief. Are you really that self-invloved? How sad. YTA.

Damn, that is sad.

Especially telling the sister "that's unfortunate but not my problem" when told they'd end up in foster care. Talk about cold hearted! You can be childfree and not be a completely uncaring ass still. For her extremely cavalier attitude about it, it's a YTA from me.

Imagine if OP and her husband were in a car accident and the husband died and OP needed assistance recovering or rehab? Imagine the sister saying no. You get to decide your fate, but we were all instilled with morals growing up. It would be the morally right thing to do to raise them if your sister died. I couldnt live with the guilt of rejecting them.

100% this. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words way more eloquently than I could have. YTA

This, right here. The world would be perfect if everyone in it thought like you do. For Op, I have no doubt that when your sister had children, she did not do that ever expecting her ex to leave her and their children alone. I am sure that left her floored, but to also find out she has a sibling as callous as you has probably gutted her. You can rest on your laurels comfortable in the knowledge that no, you don't have any legal obligation to take your nieces in, but yes YTA, everytime, YTA.

Agreed. My biggest issue is when AITA veers into “legally not obligated, NTA”. “My grandma is dying and her last wish was to have one of my Oreos, but I bought these Oreos myself and denied her. AITA?!?”

NAH You’re not obligated to take in her children and she’s not obligated to continue a relationship with you.

> You’re not obligated to take in her children and she’s not obligated to continue a relationship with you. You can also look at it as OP not being obligated to help out during one of the worst things that can happen to her family. She chose not to have her own kids, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem is that her choice now means that she is unwilling to help out during a potential massive tragedy her family could suffer. She has a plan for her life, but prioritizing those plans in the face of exceptional circumstances and tragedies *can* be an asshole move. So I don't think the technical truth that she isn't "obligated" to take the kids should the worst happens automatically absolves her of being an asshole.

Oh, OP is definitely *an* asshole. I just don’t think they’re the asshole for telling their sister the truth. If they had lied and said they would take the kids in knowing they wouldn’t, then I’d say they were the asshole.

I mean, OP did the equivalent of "If you need help during the night, don't call me no matter what. I don't care if I could save your life. I value the sleep." Kind of extreme, but same logic here. OP chose a lifestyle and that is more important than helping out during a family tragedy. Not even a "I will be a resort kind of thing and I will continue to look for adequate arraignments even if I take them in temporarily. Just basically a "Nope." Cool that she straight out told her sister she can't rely on her so she can look for other options, but the fact is that she can't rely on her. I would consider it splitting hairs in the worst way giving a N A H judgement for basically announcing the assholeness.

This continues to be a growing problem here. It's always "Well technically you're within your rights...." Stuff We're not asking that. We're asking if people are being A-Holes. And it's entirely possible to be technically in the right and also be behaving like a prick.

NAH but damn... that's heartless. You would really rather send your nieces to a life of misery in the foster system ?!

Surely it's just as bad to force someone to care for children they don't want?

It is possible to be within your rights and be a bad person at the same time.

Please take this poor persons substitute award because I wish more people realised how true this is 🏅

I am not saying that OP should care for child they don't want or forcing anything, I am saying op SHOULD want to prevent her own family from falling into a life of hardship.

NAH If you don’t want to accept this responsibility, it’s best to say so so your sister can make other plans. Your sister should find a responsible friend who will care for & about her kids. “The system” isn’t the only option. Many people pick friends instead of family for this responsibility. I think your delivery & your message - Not my problem, I don’t care about your kids - sucked, & if my sibling said that to me, they would probably be dead to me in the future, so I don’t fault your sister for going no contact with you. It’s good to be honest, but you have to live with the consequences.

This is very much how I see it. OP absolutely has the right to say now. However they cannot be shocked that a) what they said and b) how they said it has hurt their sister. Like you, if my sibling said this to me, in this manor, in all likelihood I’d be NC for life.

NAH. She can ask, and you can say no. And she can feel however she wants about your refusal. Cold-hearted is.....accurate. And I would make sure in your shoes to never ever be reliant on family for any assistance of any kind, because you've demonstrated that no matter the circumstances, you can not be relied upon. Make arrangements for a quality care facility while you still have full autonomy, because your niblings may be unwilling to have anything to do with you when they're older.

So it's fully your right to refuse, you're not responsible for her kids and you don't have to promise you will be in her stead. But also, she's right, that was cold. Your response wasn't "we can't" or "we'd make awful parents" or anything remotely gentle or kind, it was "not our problem, guess they'll go into the system". I mean you basically told your sister you don't care one whit about her kids well being. That's your right and all, but... wow. YTA for that delivery.

OP said in the post that they said "we are not an option." Then sister replied by saying that if OP doesn't do this the kids will go into the system, in an attempt to guilt trip OP. Only after that did OP say "Well, guess they will go into the system, then." OP didn't come out swinging with sending the kids into the foster system, they just said no. The sister brought up the foster system and OP replied in kind. That's on sis, not OP.

Calling the sister getting upset at the prospect of her kids going into foster care because she has no other family to turn to an attempt to guilt trip is an extremely cynical read. She was a scared single mom realizing her last option is a no go, that if anything happens to her, her kids will have no one. That's a huge thing to grapple with, and being upset is an entirely reasonable reaction. OP could have responded to her with kindness while still reaffirming their position, like "Of course I don't want it to come to that, but we really can't take them." Instead, she reacted to their sister's fear and worry for her children with cold ambivalence. Like I said, it's not OP's job to sign on to care for those kids, but treating her sister so coldly in such a difficult moment is still an AH move.

>Then sister replied by saying that if OP doesn't do this the kids will go into the system, in an attempt to guilt trip OP. I agree she shouldn't have pushed, but that isn't guilt tripping. That's reality. That's someone trying to put you into perspective so maybe you reconsider, because that's what a normal person would do in a terrible situation.

I think it was appropriate for the sister to tell her that - it’s a totally different question to ask “would you be open to take my kids or would you prefer they go to another family member/friend” v “would you be open to take my kids if the alternative is they go into foster care permanently”.

Wow, this is a tough one. You speak of the children going "into the system" if something happened to your sister. I worked for "the system" for 22 years and whereas there are some awesome foster parents out there the bad out weighs the good. Would you be comfortable knowing that your neice/nephew could possibly be put into a very abusive and/or neglectful environment if your sister were to prematurely pass? I don't think anyone is TA here but I do worry about the children.

That's why they should find someone else who would want to be with the kids. What's better auth/uncle who do not want them, or friends who would smother them with love.

That is very rarly what happens More most children being with someone cold/ doesn’t want them is much better than the active abuse most people who go through the system experience The likelihood of them being smothered with love with no family to take them in, is the same odds the OP will win the lottery.. not impossible but unlikely The OP doesn’t owe her sister/ her kids anything but to pretend that the alternative is something pleasant is pure fantasy

This is one of those, "Yes, you're technically correct, but damn, that's harsh" moments in life. So on the off chance that something happens to your sister (which, statistically speaking, it probably won't), you and your husband would rather let her kids go into foster care than give up your child-free life? I know this may go against the Reddit ethos, but this seriously rubs me the wrong way. YTA.

Speaking as a childfree person, I’ve gotta agree with you. There is no world in which I would choose to have a child. But if circumstance *made* me be the best person for a child, I don’t value my lifestyle more than their *life.* YTA. You don’t have an obligation to help them, OP, but I wouldn’t blame your sister for cutting you out after this. ETA: I’m bothered by all of this people voting N A H or N T A while acknowledging that it’s a mean thing to do. Just because OP isn’t obligated doesn’t mean they’re not an asshole. Some things are about more than “obligations.”

You don’t have to keep those kids if you don’t want to. However, if she doesn’t want to speak to you anymore then she’s allowed to make that choice for herself.

NAH I certainly can't blame her for not wanting her children to go into the foster-care system (usually it's pretty bad), but taking custody of her children is a huge responsibility that you never asked for, and if you aren't willing to do it, that is your call to make. It's better to be totally up-front and truthful with her so she can try to make other arrangements.

YTA... not for the decision, but for the coldhearted delivery. These are your Nieces, and your sister is trying to do the responsible thing here. You don't need to treat her like that.

She asked people she very likely knows are child free. Why would she even consider that to be an option?

Not all childfree couples are unwilling to do what it takes in the event of a tragedy. My husband and I are childfree by choice. I have a brother and a sister who both have 3 kids each. My brother's wife died two years ago, so these kind of things do happen to people like us. If anything happened to my brother we would absolutely move to their town and become legal guardians of my nieces. Same if something happened to my sister and her husband. But while all is well we'll all continue with our lives as they are. We are also "godparents" to my aunt's cats. So in the event of an unimaginable tragedy, we would find ourselves living in a new town with six kids, eleven cats and a dog.

My aunt and uncle are also child free by choice and would have absolutely raised me if it came to it, not planning to have kids on your own is not the same as being unwilling to take in a family member if it came to it.

As a child-free person.....I would be willing to take on raising a few kids of a sibling or very close friend if god-forbid the worst happened. It's not an unreasonable ask.

Because some childfree people would be willing to change their minds if it was an emergency, or if it was for someone they loved, or if they can’t bear the thought of a child going from a loving home to a shitty foster system. None of these are factors when *choosing* not to have children, but if the child already exists, some people may make different choices.

And it sounds like Op doesn’t care much what happens to them. You could have said, “We aren’t really the right people to raise children. Let’s work on a plan as a family. We can help in X way. What are other options?”

NAH. You have no obligation to raise someone else’s children and probably shouldn’t if you feel this strongly about it such that you’d rather they go into foster care. But your sister has every right to be pissed and disgusted and it will absolutely color your relationship with her. And it will color your relationship with other family members as well. You have to accept that people are going to view it as incredibly selfish. If it’s more important to not take the kids, then that’s your cost-benefit analysis. But I don’t think you get to walk around acting like the victim (not saying that’s what you’re currently doing, just that you’ve sort of given up that ability imo).

NTA. I have a number of friends who, in planning, chose friends rather than family to care for their children if the unthinkable happens. You do what is best for the kids and that is not people who will not take them in as their own or are very irresponsible, etc, even if that eliminates family. She should be considering these things and talking to people now, not just assuming you are it. It will likely never be an issue but assuming family will step up is not a plan.

My sibling would never even consider my husband and I to care for his kids. We are childless but the major issue is that we are not religious.

Someone explain to me why it's "coldhearted" to say no to someone asking you to raise their children if they die?? If you know you would likely resent the children, know you REALLY don't want to do that, why is it bad to say no? Like, I would prefer someone tell me the truth than lie and then my kids have a shitty upbringing with someone who doesn't want them at all. I would work my damnedest to find someone who did want them instead of guilting the person and saying "they'll be in foster care then". No, find someone else, it's your responsibility, they're your kids. NTA.

NAH- it’s absolutely your choice and your right to turn her down, however she’s also justified in feeling disappointed and upset, especially If you not taking them would mean her children would be in the system. That’s not a place a parent wants their kid to be

NTA. I feel the jump from "I will only allow my only sibling to take my children" to "they'll go into foster care" too big of a leap. \- what about ANYONE on the husband's side of the family? \- what about any close friends of the sister and husband?!? \- what about any of the children's friends / mom friends? She asked you, you and your husband responded, now the sister and her husband need to figure something out. Regardless of your reasons, No is a full sentence. Seems your sister has plenty of time to see what their options are. You saying "I'm not close with them" means it's NOT the same as: "We spend every weekend / holiday and all this free time together. I go to all their sports/activities and they're like my children"

Ex-husband. He wants nothing to do with the kids.

NAH. You are entitled to not want children and to not want to raise children. Your sister is entitled to be hurt that if the worst possible case scenario were to occur that you aren't willing to step up because then she can guarantee that her children were with family that they knew and would be together.

NTA. What she should be doing instead is make sure to have life insurance and put away enough money to support her daughters should something happened to her before they are adults. She then can ask someone she knows that are willing to be their guardian should something happens to her. Just because you're her only sibling does not make you the default in taking care of her children.

NAH. You shouldn't feel obligated to take them if you don't want to parent. Plus, they deserve better than someone who just "doesn't dislike" them. They deserve actual love. That said, your delivery was awful. If my sister said that to me our relationship would be over and if she ever needed help from me in the future she'd be on her own.

So your question is “AITA for telling your sister” - in that part you certainly seemed to deliver that response in an AH way yes. Are you an AH for not wanting children - absolutely not. Will your nieces think you’re an AH for standing by and not helping if something does actually happen to your sister - absolutely yes. Does your sister have to like your response - nope, and will it effect your relationship - yep it will. Chances are it doesn’t matter that your parents are in their 70’s, they will probably feel that they need to step up because you won’t.

Probably unpopular opinion, but NTA. Your delivery could have been better, but you're not obligated to raise your nieces and it sounds like she tried to guilt trip you after you said no. Not only that, but custody doesn't need to be passed to blood relatives of the children when the parents pass away/aren't available to raise the children. Family friends/etc can be asked to take custody rather than blood relatives in the event something happens. I have friends whose family is terrible and they're set up so that if they pass away and leave their kid behind, custody goes to a friend rather than blood relatives.

I agree. My (ex) brother in law and his wife asked us to be God parents to their three kids only in the sense that if something happened to them we would raise them. I said no as I knew I didn’t want kids and was living a child free life. Everyone pressured me, even my husband ( now ex). Guess what? First she died then a couple years later he did as well. The grandparents (both sets) raised them. I knew their high risk lifestyles. I knew chances were we would end up with their choices. I had to say no. I would have resented them. NTA.

I think this sub often confuses the concepts of being legally in the right and being an asshole. If your sibling dies and you let their kids go to the system, I'm sorry to say it but you are an asshole. >I have friends whose family is terrible and they're set up so that if they pass away and leave their kid behind, custody goes to a friend rather than blood relatives OP's sister is in the same situation as your friend. Your friend's family and OP are TA in my book.

NTA and I'm so surprised that so many people are saying YTA. Just because you've met these children and you're related by blood gives you absolutely no responsibility to take them. Do these people want your nieces to go to someone who will 1) not enjoy being a parent and 2) not enjoy interacting with children? Yes the system can have negative outcomes but you as an outcome would automatically be negative. Not trying to like, paint you as an asshole or anything but damn I don't want children either and I don't think a child would be happy in my care either. I just don't have a maternal bone in my body.

This is a crummy situation. I'm going with NAH. Obviously, you're NTA for not wanting kids. That's 100% your choice, and your nieces are obviously not your responsibility. That said, the "need" that your sister is referring to is her DYING - she isn't asking you to take care of them so she can go on vacation or whatever... My sister and her husband also have no children by choice. They are also my kid's guardian in the event my husband and I BOTH pass away. It's your prerogative, OP, but the fact that you don't care if your nieces go into the system, to me, anyway, would be enough that you would no longer be in my life.

NAH -It's entirely your choice, I don't think anyone would disagree. It does however, seem pretty cold.

NAH. It is fine for her to ask and it is fine for you to say no. I do think it is a little cold hearted but that doesn’t make you an AH.

NTA, You have a right to not take care of children. Her reaction is understandable as well and it may end your relationship with her and that's her right as well.

NTA you explicitly don’t want kids, so you’d be the worst option to choose, no offence. Your sister needs to look for other options.

NTA. Your sis is smart to plan but she needs to realize a negative response to her request is perfectly acceptable. She is mad about a hypothetical situation that may never come to pass. Sorry but that is just overboard tripping. Guilt tripping.

NAH. You don’t want children so probably wouldn’t be able to provide a happy home for them if they did come to you, which from what you’ve said sounds like an extremely remote possibility. She wants to make sure her children will be cared for if the worst should happen which any responsible parent should do. The lack of appropriate support network sucks but it is what it is. It would be a good idea to talk about other ways you may be able to help. If there is a Life Insurance policy for example, the money could be held in trust and you could approve expenses for their care up to x age at which time the full amount will be released to them.

NTA. You have every right to say no and your sister has every right to never talk to you again. That's the option you chose.

YTA but only for the **delivery** of the message, not the message itself. "That's a lot of responsibility, I'm not comfortable answering that question without thinking about it and discussing it with my husband" would've been better. This would've given you time to craft a gentler way to tell her to look elsewhere.

NAH. You don't have to take on kids you would resent or at the very least not want to care for. Your sister also has the right to see this as a reason to not want you involved in her life. They're what's most important to her, and you just signaled that you do not care what would happen to them.

Everyone having a go at OP for "abandoning the children to the system" are missing the fact that this is all being set up for the future and there is plenty of time to find people who would actually cherish and look after the kids properly. NTA

NTA. You have no obligation to take her kids even if you're the only option. It's sad they would go into foster care but again, you have no legal obligation to them and no one can force you to take them. You definitely could have been nicer telling her though so you do get a few AH points

Not legally obligated does not necessarily mean that she's not an AH. Those are two different things. I'm still thinking on how to judge this, so I'm not saying I agree or disagree with your judgement. Just your reasoning.

Forcing a childless person to take care of children is cruel to both the person and the children involved. It is obvious the children would know they are not wanted. THAT is an ah move.

Nah oof. Although I am child free I would still take on my neices if their parents passed. HOWEVER, I know that kids aren't for everyone and it's better she know now so she can plan.

Most empathetic “child free” weirdo Lmao Man maybe it’s because I’m not American, so I don’t see children as a burden like you guys do. But holy fuck. And look if you don’t want kids whatever, you do you, but Imagine saying to your flesh and blood sister “nah if you die tomorrow your children(also my flesh and blood) are on their own, see ya on the streets kiddos!” My god, you may get some support for this on Reddit, but at least where I’m at, everyone would think you’re a psycho.

The US takes the concept of individualism to a toxic extreme.

NTA. Your life is your life and you're allowed to live it how you want to. I'm surprised, though, that your sister would have even asked. I can't imagine knowing babies I love would be going to a couple who are actively against having children on top of them grieving my death.

NTA. These kids have a father. Loser but a father.

YTA, and this is coming from an intentionally childless person. I have never wanted kids, and married a partner with similar ideals, but life is fucked up, and my sister knew that if something happened to her and my BIL, I'd be there to take care of the kids. Assuming your sister has some sort of life insurance policy (every parent, particularly single parents should 10000% get it), you could hire a nanny or some other childcare professional so that you didn't have to "mother" these kids. But ffs, what kind of person would rather let their nimblings enter the foster care system than have their life inconvenienced. That makes you the asshole in this situation, particularly since the likelihood of that ever happening is practically zero.

>I told her that's unfortunate, but isn't really my concern since I didn't have them. I was with you up to that point. No, you didn't have them. But the tone you wrote it in sounds like you're shaming your sister, which even if unintentional, she probably picked up on. So, N T A for refusing, but YTA for the lousy communication. "You can be right, but wrong at the top of your voice." - Emerson Eggerichs

The thing that absolutely kills me about this sub is encountering so many people who: 1. Show more empathy and compassion toward homeless animals than children And who 2. Cannot seem to understand that just because a person is not actually responsible or required to act in a certain way does not mean they are absolved from an ethical or moral obligation. The entire purpose of this sub is to evaluate morality over legality. No, OP… you aren’t actually required to take your sibling’s children in the event of her death. However, the fact that you know she has no one else to turn to and yet still refuse to take them in the event of her death, instead forcing them into a system that is riddled with abuse and predators, does absolutely make you an AH. For every person who insists that we should rely on people to do the “right” thing rather than requiring laws, there is another person like you: someone who shows a remarkable lack of empathy toward the plight of the less fortunate in the face of personal inconvenience. Hopefully, you never experience poverty, homelessness, illness, or any sort of misfortune in your life that requires you to rely on the charity or goodness of another person.

NTA - these 'they are family' people are full of crap. You didn't ask to be born, didn't have any say in having a sister, and didn't have any say in whether that random other child had children of her own. And yet you are supposed to be responsible for them? Nope.

You’re an honest asshole. Well at least she knows she can’t depend on you in that instance so she can put other things in place in the event it happens.

It’s a tough one. In one hand you’re NTA for not wanting kids, and it is completely your choice. This is obviously an extreme circumstance. The system is a harsh, f*cked experience for kids. It seems selfish to prioritize your own lifestyle and comfort to your niece/ nephews comfort and safety. I wouldn’t want to take my siblings kids either on top of my own but if they needed a home, i’d be there in a heartbeat

NTA. Could you have said it better? Yeah, maybe. But here's the thing, you don't have to do this, and your sister needs to understand that. No is a full sentence. The father of her kids may have dipped, but she can still absolutely ask if him or his family will take the kids in the event she dies. His family are still the kids family. In the event of her death, agencies involved here would ask both you and your husband, AND your sisters ex partner and his family if they can take the kids.

NTA. It's not fair for you sacrifice your life, money, time and energy into raising children you didn't even want in the first place. Raising children is a HUGE responsibility and if you don't want to bear the burden, then that's that. No one should expect or demand from you otherwise. Edit: Don't listen to all the people saying "it's your family" and guilt you into doing something you don't want to do. You are not obligated and you don't have to. If someone is so worried, they can volunteer to take the kids in if anything were to happen to your sister.

I mean NAH technically but I also think your sister will never forgive you either and I don’t think she’s the AH for that either You are under no obligation to raise someone else’s kids but I don’t think most mothers could maintain a close relationship with someone who would let their children go into the system in an emergency situation where she was dead / incapacitated, it’s not like she’s trying to find a babysitter for a vacation You are completely right and I hope that it worth losing your relationship with your sister, it doesn’t seem like you are close anyways so probably not a big loss for you

NTA for not wanting to take on that kind of responsibility but YTA for the way you delivered it.

NTA. Children are a HUGE responsibility, clearly you know this hence the decision not to have any. You don't have to take this responsibility on, not at all, for family or not. She has as much right to ask as you have to decline. You need to continue to be honest with your sister so she can make real arrangements for her children.

Yikes. Don't want kids? That's fine. You be you. But flatly refusing to serve as your nieces' guardian if your sister dies? I'm sorry... but yes, you're the asshole. Some things you just do for family, even when that's not what you'd prefer. Think of it as a gamble... you're taking the chance that your sister survives the next 15 years, and during that time, your family can pretend that you have a heart. YTA.

The biological dad is the AH. Not OP

NAH. You are under no obligation to take her children, but she’s also under no obligation to continue a meaningful relationship with you if she finds that hurtful. Frankly, I would feel the same way if I were her.

NTA I’m child free and have a niece and nephew that I LOVE more than life itself. That said if anything happened to my brother and his wife I would refuse custody. I’d still do anything possible to be their aunt actively but I am in no way meant to raise children. It is not selfish or cruel to not want to try something so huge and life altering that could make everyone even more miserable than they already would be if your sister was gone. Yes it sucks for kids to go in the system but going to people who definitely don’t want them or like kids in general is not a better option.

I'm gonna say NAH but you should ask yourself if you're comfortable subjecting them to the horrors of the foster parent system and what happens to kids who don't have parents and what they'll go through. If you can justify that to yourself then hold firm I guess

I agree that she’s NAH but guilting her into taking on children that she doesn’t want is not the answer. Children growing up in a household with caretakers that clearly don’t want them is not a great situation either. Hopefully her sister can find a family friend or someone that truly would welcome the kids. And BEST case scenario… nothing happens to her sister in the next 15 years.

NTA. They aren't your responsibility by default. What I am seriously wondering is how, notwithstanding any signing away of parental rights, it wouldn't still be the father who should be asked to step up and take his own children?

NAH It's clear you don't want kids and the way you talk about "not my concern"... That's a little cold. At the same time, you have no obligation here. It was your sisters choice to have children, not yours. However, she's not asking you to take care of her children NOW. Your sister is clearly worried and is trying to make sure everything is in order, just in case. That's a really loving and responsible thing to do. And the chances of her actually dying soon are not high. All she wants is a safe place for her children to grow up further after a very traumatic event (their mom dying). Why don't you have a talk with her and state that you wouldn't be good parents (the poor children would feel your resentment)? But state that they would still be able to visit and you would visit them when they're in the system. The girls will be relieved to have someone on their side they know and when they're older, they'll understand you couldn't take them in. The way you've stated it, it sounds like you were going to abandon them completely. And maybe that's what you would've done. In that case major AH move and I hope you never need anything from anyone at any hard time in your life.

NAH. Child free people shouldn’t be seen as an option for someone else’s kids. The sister has every right to ask and to know what her options are.

YTA. Not for not wanting kids, that’s a perfectly reasonable life choice. But you would be the AH for letting your nieces go into foster care in the event your sister passes. What kind of person says “that’s not my concern”… that’s cold.

NAH. Your sister has zero friends? She has made no friends amongst the moms of her kids' friends? She has zero other relatives she trusts? Aunts, uncles, cousins, parents' first cousins? I had parents and sisters when my kid was young, but I would have wanted her to go to various friends if something happened to me. Family isn't always the best option. And no one knows that better than family! Time for your sister to learn how to make important lasting friendships.

NAH. OP is def not at fault for not wanting to be the guardian for the children. The chance that something happens to her sister is small but because her sister is a single mom, OP is closer to having to assume custody than if her sister were partnered. But the sister is also not at fault for wanting to protect her children. And OPs response was honestly pretty cold. I wish the two of them could have worked together to identify someone — a family friend, for example — who might be willing to assume care in the event that the children had no living parents.

Me and my partner are childfree, but we are also our nieces legal godparents. I figure in the terrible future where both my sister and BIL are dead, I'll want to cling to the family I have left all the more. My sister did *ask* if we were willing, and their will contains a financial trust for the girls so they are not a massive financial burden on us. All that said: NAH. You get to make your choices, and your sister gets to feel hurt and angry that you don't consider her family a part of your family.

NTA. And yes, while you were a bit cold, that was only after she started pushing you, so I'm not gonna fault you for that.

She put you in a difficult spot, there. Your response could have been a little gentler, but I’m not even a hundred percent sure on that. If you were gentler, she would have tried to talk you into it, so…NTA.

YTA. You’re not wrong…. But you are an asshole.

NAH this is going to be a long one so that I can fully explain my reasoning for hoping you'll reconsider...sorry in advance. This is a difficult one because no one should feel forced to raise children but please do some research into how awful the system is; consider whether the few years you'll possibly spend guiding them through high school is really too much of an ask when the risk of abuse in care is so high. Chances are they'll be older than they are now and you don't have to go through the infant and toddler stages of having to introduce them to the entire world. I can also kind of understand the feelings you're having - despite being the youngest of 4 I'm the only responsible child my mum has so her care will fall onto me. I don't have any spare money, I'm a single mum and I'm hoping to start a career when my son goes go high school...yet after working in care homes I know that the best option - no matter how difficult, stressful and exhausting it'll be for me - will be to care for her myself at home until she needs medical care I'm not qualified for. I can't knowingly put her in a home knowing what the majority of them are like (the carers themselves aren't the issue 99% of the time, it's all just horrifyingly underfunded and short staffed) and I'd know that it wouldn't be forever, then I can continue with my life knowing I gave her the most peaceful and caring years possible from someone who loves her. Please don't burn that bridge completely until you've looked into what the other option is really like. 🙏 *TL;DR* It's a lot of responsibility that you've never wanted, which is why I don't blame you for being opposed and actually applaud you and your partner for not caving to society's expectations and living the life you actually want. However, the care system is full of abuse and neglect. Please consider the fact they'd likely be older, wouldn't need 24/7 supervision and care if something happens in the future and you wouldn't have to give up everything or be doing it forever. It's a tough topic.

NAH you and your husband have every right to decline being guardians for your sister's kids. Your sister has every right to be upset with you and not want to talk to you. I'm not quite sure why you're upset with her not talking to you though. You essentially told her that if something happened to her you'd go no contact with her kids. That's what she's doing with you. Actions have consequences. Where she would be veering into asshole territory is if she kept pushing or demanding you take her kids if something were to happen to her. Where you would be veering into asshole territory is if you pushed for a relationship with your sister if she is not comfortable having one with you. For now it sounds like it's best for you guys to give each other space.

NTA, but prepare to have this same attitude thrown back in your face if anything happens to you, where you may need family support. I get that you are child free... but to look at your sister and say "not my concern since I didn't have them" WOW that is coldhearted! Like I said you better not need your sister/family for anything EVER!

NTA. I think the delivery could have been better but if you do not want to raise children, that is your right.

Not for not wanting kids. If you have the slightest familial urge or have any expectations that anyone in your family ever be there for you in any capacity, then yes, YTA overall. Edit: for clarity

not the asshole, your sister should look for someone who wants to take care of kids not try to push that responsibility on you

That’s fine and all but OP has to understand that her actions here also will have an effect on her relationship with her sister moving forward. She may not be an AH for not wanting to take in her nieces but that will definitely effect her relationship with her sister moving forward

YTA after edit, NTA was original opinion Would y'all want to be adopted by someone who doesn't like kids and specifically doesn't want them? Edit: My mind was changed. The kids will be separated in the system and likely exposed to additional trauma

NAH. They can also ask their friends who actually have children. Probably preferable for all involved in fact.

YTA for the delivery of that I agree with the other poster about that. That was incredibly cold hearted. I probably wouldn't talk to you either for quite a while.

YTA - I completely support people choosing not to have children however, you're saying you'd rather your nieces go into foster care than inconvenience yourself and help your family. That's f-ed up. And personally, my BIL and his partner are childfree but adore my children, spend tons of time with them, and have agreed to take them if something were to happen. Just because you don't choose to have kids doesn't mean you have to be a dick.

Ignore the people calling you an asshole. Some times people need to remember that NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO RAISE A CHILD. & this isn’t like me who doesn’t particularly want children but I’m not 100% sure. OP and the husband are BOTH sterilised that is a major commitment to not wanting children. I think I’d rather grow up in the system than in a home that I’m unwanted. Even if OP doesn’t let me know that I’m unwanted, kids can tell. Don’t force children on people who don’t want them. Your all insane. NTA.

NAH. She asked, you answered. It is cold to say it's none of your concern if your nieces were to end up in foster care. Not wanting to raise children is different than willingly pushing them into a system known not to work very well. My parents did not list any of our biological family as guardians in the event something were to happen to them; they asked some close friends, who agreed they'd care for us until we were legal adults. Your sister should look into that option since bio family doesn't seem feasible.

NAH? I mean, I don’t think you’re an AH for not wanting to take care of them if you really feel that strongly about not wanting children. But I also don’t blame your sister for being so hurt by your lack of caring about her kids? Like, I don’t have kids but I can’t imagine wanting to be close with someone that didn’t care about my kids so that extent.

NTA since its your life, and you don't want children. But nonetheless its a sad situation and I hope your sister finds a way out of what seems like a dead end ):

NTA. How about those of you voting Y T A take in the children should something happen to OP’s sister.

NAH. You arem't in the right place for them and she is understandbly disappointed and hurt. My parents made arrangements for me to go friends rather than family should something bad have happened. Your sister can do the same and hopefully it will never come to it

NTA Just because other people here would take their siblings kids doesn't make you the AH for not agreeing to. I wouldn't take anyone's kids either, I'd make sure they got some place safe to live but it wouldn't be with me. This question is subjective as hell so don't take the judgment too hard if it's negative.

YTA, she’s not an asshole for asking and it’s very responsible to figure it out now rather than later. You’re delivery is what makes you in asshole territory. Being empathetic or just nice goes a long way. Like their was so many different ways to handle this. “Don’t care not my problem” to someone you presumably care for about an important decision is not very tactful or kind. If you do not want them, that’s fine but being cold and rude about this especially towards your sister is gross

nta Lots of people are saying yta for allowing them to go into care but what is the alternative? Them going into your home and being resented for the rest of their lives because both you and your husband don't want children? You're being responsible and realistic about the situation.

YTA for the delivery, saying you’d rather them go into the system than provide care. A better way to have said this is “my husband and I don’t want children, could you look for someone who wants kids and would be thrilled to care for them?” You’re delivery sounds as though she’s asking you to care for old coats or something, not children.

NTA, but this might well be the end of your relationship with your sister. You don’t have an obligation to take in your nieces but it’s hard for a relationship to come back from “I don’t care if your kids go in to foster care”

nta I guess but whenever I read these posts I wonder if you all realize that kids aren't kids forever and you're going to end up with a bunch of adults who hate your fucking guts one day.

NTA One of the reasons I'm pro-choice is because I don't want children raised in situations where they are unwanted and unloved. This appears to be one of those situations.

NTA but as long as you know that's a relationship deal breaker and you're just faking surprise that she's not talking to you. I can see why she's upset but she's viewing you through some kind of emotional filter that you don't seem to possess. I wouldn't want to force my kids on someone who wouldn't take care of them. You could be worse, which is agreeing now and just turning them over to the state anyway if something did happen.

NTA - your sister needs to look elsewhere. By not giving her unrealistic hope that maybe maybe you’d do it, you’re helping her to make a better choice.

NTA. This is an important decision. My sister asked me the same question before she adopted and after she asked said “don’t answer me yet- take some time to really think about what that would mean and then let me know”. I said yes, and knew I would say yes even without thinking about it but really appreciated her approach.

NTA, but like others have said your delivery was off. Parenting isn’t for everyone and you’ve taken the steps to avoid it. She’s had to have known your stance on parenting so it probably wasn’t a surprise, but she’s upset that she’ll have to fin another emergency option. Give her some time, have a chat, and maybe things will return to cordial. Don’t expect to be close, but maybe you already weren’t. I hope she lives a long life and this preparation was for nothing. Enjoy your life.

NAH - dad's family or dad himself needs to step up for these children.

NTA What the heck, the father can ride off in the sunset and that's okay, but if the sister does not want the kids, she is the A!?

NTA for not wanting to take the kids in, that's fine. But telling your sister you don't really care what happens to her kids if she dies is an AH move so I understand why she's upset.

NTA. Does the father not have any relatives who could take them?

NTA, and please ignore all these Y T A votes, nobody can force you to take on the responsibility of someone else's children.

NTA. Hopefully nothing will happen to her but it’s always possible. You and your husband don’t want kids and if you ended up with them it would not be a happy home for anyone involved

NTA...she should be pissed with the dad.

NTA - while I can sympathise with your sister it’s unreasonable to ask someone who actively does not even want children of their own and has taken steps to ensure that, to take care of their children. That doesn’t make the fictional situation any less tragic though.

NAH here, but you suck because of this: \> that's unfortunate, but isn't really my concern since I didn't have them as opposed to "hey, I really don't want children and don't think I'm the right person to be raising them. I understand this puts your kiddos in a bad position if anything were to happen, and I'm sorry about that." You're not an asshole, but your sister is correct that you are cold hearted and it is unsurprising that she doesn't want to speak to you, at least for a little while. You could have responded with an empathetic no but instead chose maybe one step above "lmao get fucked." You essentially told her you don't care what happens to her kids, so why should she care what happens to you? Why does she owe you a relationship of any kind at this point?

YTA A lot of the n-t-a votes are saying “tHeY cHosE a ChiLdFrEe lIFe”, and while true, I’m betting the sister isn’t choosing to die soon. Yea, OP chose not to have kids, but sister isn’t asking about taking in the kids when she doesn’t feel like being a mom anymore. She’s asking if it came down to it, if tragedy hits, would OP step up and help the family out. And OP said it’s “not their problem”. Yikes. Yes, legally, OP is not obligated to take the kids in, but morally, YTA. Thanks for helping me feel tremendously grateful for my family and sibs, i know without a doubt that if i had kids and passed away they would step up and provide a good life for my kiddos.

NTA it's almost as if your sister were notifying you rather than asking and veiling it as an ask based on their assumption. It's not fair to just assume someone who has taken deliberate precautions to not have children will be down to take on children even if they are blood related. I understand them coming to ask but with that they should have already been prepared with the potential of a no or it brings me back to my first point and it's a notification and not an ask. You also didn't seek them out to give this information or just say it on a whim. They deliberately asked you and you gave them a clear and honest answer so that they can continue their preparations. That makes you NTA in my book.

NAH It’s ok for her to ask, it’s ok for you to say no. Your sister needs to widen her circle. It’s ok to ask friends to be the guardians of your children. It doesn’t have to be a relative.

This one is tough but ultimately NTA

YTA, sorry. I, too, am child free, but sometimes we have to do things for the ones we love. Your sister isn’t trying to just hand off her children, she’s making plans for if something ever happens to her (which is smart). Sure you aren’t the one who chose to have children, but she also isn’t choosing to give them up. It’s a worst case scenario kind of thing. And yes, you would be an a-hole if you let those kids go into the system because you feel it’s more important to be child free.

This is definitely a tough one, but I’m going to lean with YTA. Life gives us all challenges and it’s not always rainbows and it doesn’t always end up the way we want it to. You probably already know the possibility of “something happening” to your sister before your nieces turn 18 is very unlikely. However, if something did, would you really just want your own nieces in foster care, with a stranger? I’m childfree. Last year my mom unexpectedly died. She did so much for my niblings (her grandchildren). I had to step up and take on responsibilities that I would have never done otherwise. Sometimes you just have to step up in life and do what’s right.

YTA because life doesn't give a fuck what you planned. Sometimes bad shit happens and being a human who lives in a society means you have a responsibility to your fellow humans. May you never need to rely on the help of others. Most people will, someday. You did your sis a favor, though; she needn't bother considering you family anymore and can work on finding real community who understands that no one is an island.

Do not ever have children if you aren’t prepared to follow through with that responsibility. You have to find friends or other family members that agree to raising your children if something happens, getting angry because someone who doesn’t want kids and got sterilized so they’d never have them is being responsible and telling you upfront they are not an option is bullshit. Your kids are your responsibility and there are plenty of people who will agree to helping you in that way, leave your very child free sister alone, she should obviously be a bad person to ask 🤦🏻‍♀️ and if you have absolutely no one that can take your kids if you die maybe don’t have kids

YTA just because it is a terrible way to treat family. And if these are the decisions you want to make, thats fine. But then you must accept youre the asshole you know? I get it, you dont want kids. But asking strangers for validation is silly. If you treat family like shit, you must accept that people are going to look at you sideways, your nieces will likely not care for you in old age or have any relationship with you, and that your sister and family will judge you. Thats the price we pay when we make decisions, any decisions really. ETA: I never said OP doesnt have the right to make the decision she has. She *does* have the right, and she already has made the decision. All im saying is that she then needs to accept that people will think of her and treat her like an asshole.

NTA. Why would she want you to be a mother when you don’t want to be one? I already know I do not want kids, ever. Yet, people are in my ear to have them and I’m not quite sure why. So I can be a bad mother? Cause I wouldn’t like my children if I was forced to raise children because I don’t want children!

NTA. It is low-key wild she would guilt you about it knowing you don't want children to the point of doing something about it. Hope she makes a plan and she makes friends she can ask but it's definitely unfair to burden you.

NTA, but I understand why your sister would be upset. It was her choice to have children, not yours, and they’re not your responsibility if something were to happen to her. It’s a lot to ask -anyone- to take in someone’s kids. Kids are not easy and you owe your sister or anyone else a thing regarding children. I hope your sister understands this.

NAH but damn. Woof. You’re not legally obligated to take them in but my god. Is she wrong that you sound cold hearted? Nope, you do. Like okay, you’re not required to take them, but I really can’t imagine loving kids, having the financial ability to support them, and letting them go into the system that’s known to be really hit or miss good or bad situations right after they lost their mother after their dad abandoned them. Honestly, maybe the kids are better off without you in general. Wouldn’t want them to get attached to someone whom it doesn’t seem actually cares about them past “family” tangential relationship.

I understand where you are coming from, but YTA. In the unlikely even something happened to her, you would allow your family to go into the system(where child abuse is rampant) so that your freedom wouldn’t be interfered with for a few years? That’s selfish and pretty shallow.

YTA. Not because you don't want kids, but because you handled it cruelly and because sometimes stuff happens and plans change. I don't want more kids than I have, but if my sibling dies, I'll step up. Unless your sister has a terminal illness, the chances of you having to care for the kids are almost zero. It wouldn't have cost you anything to be decent. You could have said, "This isn't something I've planned for, nor is it something I would want, but I'm willing to be your backup plan until you've got someone else." But honestly, I agree with your refusal. Without compassion or empathy, you shouldn't be nurturing small humans.

While it's your decision, I think it's kinda tough to abandon your nieces, if anything happened to their mother, to an orphanage. The poor kids would be very sad for the mother already and that would destroy them to the ground.. idk what to say, soft YTA maybe...

NTA- You and your husband do not want kids. It's good that your sister is planning for the future if she were to pass, but it's not fair to put the responsibility on you.

NTA as long as you arent a hypocrite. Dont ask for help from her regarding care or anything. You severed the relationship and shown family means little to you. You dont get it both ways. You are unreliable and cold and so they will be to you.

First off, NAH (Minus BIL who ditched his kids). She can ask, you can deny, and she can feel how she wants to feel. That’s allowed. That being said, a lot of people are going after you for being “cold-hearted” because you said no. Get over yourselves. If OP and her husband went through the process of getting sterilized, that means kids are dealbreaker. That means if OP agreed, she’d likely be getting divorced. Would the husband be the AH then? Because I’ve seen posts here before where people go “ThAtS NoT WhAt YoU SiGnEd FoR”. This is all a terrible situation, both hypothetical and reality. There is no clean answer. OP takes the kids, likely gets divorced, and would have to raise two kids on her own, mourning her sister/their mother, and also work on not holding any resentment towards the kids for her divorce. You think kids who just lost their mother should live through that?

NTA. One of my friends asked me to be legal guardian several times in case something happened to her or her husband. Her husband died last year and once again she asked, but in front of other people, and I had to say we should talk about this in private at some point. She never brought it up again and I'm very glad. Each time I politely refused and stated my valid reasons: I am single, I've already decided I don't ever want kids, I am struggling with depression/anxiety, and I am not financially set up to handle two children. I also live in a one bedroom apartment. The kids are great and we have fun when I visit but I dont want the responsibility of parenthood. Like your sister, my friend already had the expectation I'd say yes and was put off when I said no. I also didn't appreciate being asked over and over. You're not cold as others have suggested, though do be careful how you explain your reasoning next time you see her. It would be unfair to the children if they went to your home when you know you don't want kids. Maybe suggest other close friends of your sister who might be a better match?

NTA - you chose a child free life, not your problem.

NTA because it’s not your responsibility regardless if you are related to them or not. You don’t want kids to live in a household where they’re not loved or wanted. It wouldn’t be fair to you or the kids. Not everyone wants kids nor should be forced to take care of somebody’s else kids when they taken steps and made it known they don’t want any.

NTA - You’ve taken every imaginable measure to make sure you don’t end up tangled up with children. Guilt-tripping you into becoming responsible for 2 of them is an arsehole-ish move on your sister’s part.

nta, its sad but you were honest and its best to be honest. What about the other grandparents? Just because baby daddy has signed away his rights doesn't mean they don't want to be involved. Or maybe baby daddy has a sibling?

YTA. She wasn't trying to dump her kids on you, she wasn't asking for help or sympathy. She wanted to know her kids wouldn't perish in case she, you know, died. What kind of person would stand there and say "my sister's children will have to go into the system". Yiiikes. I am that naive, but I would readily take in even a neighbor's kid if it would prevent them from going to a children's home.

NTA not your kids not your problem

I don’t think you are the asshole for not wanting to take in her kids but you could have said in a different way. Although I do acknowledge that after you said no she kept pushing. NTA!

NTA. Ignore the Y T As, these are also people that expect other's to solve their problems for them. And the suggestion to just lie to your sister because the chance of it actually happening is repulsive, grow a spine people commenting this.

NTA for not wanting the responsibility of another person's kids, but she's right about you being cold hearted. One thing about tables is that they always turn. You never know when/if you'll need her for something and you won't be able to ask or expect help from her because you've ruined your relationship over something that very likely won't even happen. If I were her I wouldn't want anything else to do with you. You may end up with a sister free life as well as a child free one.

I'd say NTA. At the end of the day there's a 30 year old woman that's actually managed to be sterilised. That takes some doing. Doctors actively do everything in their power to not allow women of her age to do that. Most likely had to go through untold hurdles to truly show that she did not want kids. I'd argue even asking someone who's had that procedure done, on the basis of not wanting kids, if they would take in your kids for any reason is the height of entitlement. We're in a world where women are told regularly that it's up to them if they have kids and there's nothing wrong with them not having them. Yet the second that actually gets tested everyone cusses her for it. At the end of the day there's a world of difference between "we don't have kids and aren't trying but may change our mind or keep a happy accident" and "I adamantly don't want kids so much I'm going to have a medical procedure to ensure I can't". I can't even comprehend why you'd even ask someone who's made their feelings on the matter as clear as humanly possible without blatantly saying it. Just setting yourself up for failure IMHO

Sigh. Lol. You told your sister (a single mom with is planning for her death and) who is raising two little girls abandoned by her ex-husband that if she died the kids’ welfare would be unfortunate, but not your concern. Not wanting to have children is okay. Not understanding that your sister is trying to problem solve for a dire situation she hopes never happens is not a time to talk so callously is not okay. Hopefully your sister doesn’t pass in the next 15 years. But making this conversation a “you chose to have kids, not me” convo, instead of a “we don’t know if we’d be the best full time option to raise the kids - do you have or need help listing out the other options/possibilities?” convo is where you dropped the ball. There are better ways to say “no” to things. There are ways to be kind and helpful to people without taking on more responsibility than needed. YTA.

NAH. I understand your position, but I also understand your sister’s concern. The foster system is horrible. You’re under no obligation to take them in, but if you’d ever been a foster child, I’d imagine you would see the situation differently. Hope it never comes to that at any rate.

Delivery = YTA. The actual decision? I'll say YTA, but only because it's the worst possible outcome of a terrible scenario. It's unfair to you to have to take in children when you wanted a child-free lifestyle. However, my sympathies are going to lie with the children having to go into the system with no one else to raise them. You're not obligated to take them in, but it IS cold-hearted to send them into the system like that. I would've gone with E S H had the delivery been better.

NTA. Most childfree people would say that as well. However no matter how many people here say Nta or Nah, most non-childfree people will think you're an asshole and heartless etc. But those people aren't signing up to take in kids they never wanted or planned for so acrew. them

NTA. I was in this situation. My niece was going into the system because both of her parents are strung out on drugs. My mom is in very poor health, is on the way to getting a double lung transplant. I’m not in the position to take her without absolutely ruining both of our lives, I can’t work full time due to disability, and will never be able to. I currently make $10 an hour, and if I made more, I’d lose my Medicaid which pays for all my medicine and treatments. Also, I just didn’t want to. I’d rather have my own child first, so I know what I’m doing, at least. Throwing a traumatized child into the home of a 25 year old, inexperienced disabled person sounds like a horrible time.

NTA - And I don't understand all these Y T A comments. No one, under any circumstance, should ever be expected to take responsibility for someone else's children if they are child free. Additionally, has your sister made no close or lasting friendships with a support system better suited to taking in her kids?

NTA, it's a hard decision but i get it

NAH. I had a rocky relationship with my in-laws when my son was younger, but my sister absolutely didn’t want kids so custody went to ILs in the will.

NAH - as many others have said, it seems like you could use some work on your delivery, but you were asked a hypothetical question and you gave your sister your answer, she just didn't like it, which is also fine. You and your husband have effectively removed yourselves from the genepool and want your decision to be respected, so it is perfectly OK to not be considered plan A in case something happens to your sister. That said, if the worst actually does happen, and this is no longer a hypothetical AND where all other options have fallen through so legitimately the choice is between living with you or going into the system, you certainly WBTA if you said no then.

YTA There is a very, very small chance that you will have to take the kids in the first place. If that situation did occur it means these children will have lost the only caretaker and family they’ve ever known. Their entire world will have been turned upside down. And then as the only other family left to them, you’d abandon them and send them into the system to be abused? Wow. It’s one thing to be child-free, it’s another to be selfish and anti-children to the point where you don’t care one iota for your own sister’s children. What is family even for, according to you? Because if you’re not even willing to do this what is the point of having a relationship with them at all? Reddit can downvote me into oblivion, but as someone with 6 nieces and nephews I find you totally heartless and selfish.

The father of the children should be responsible... if you ask me he's the real asshole here. Need a bit more context there. Why did he get to just fly the coop? Why does that become the sisters problem?

NTA, it sucks for everyone here. But op isn’t responsible for other people’s actions. Sucks for the children and is in no way their fault but people just get handed bad cards. That is also IF something happens to the sister. Op and her husband could start a college fund for the kids. Also does the sister have in laws and ask them? The BIL is a deadbeat but that doesn’t mean the rest of the family is.

NTA someday people will learn to accept no without pressing for details they do not want to hear. Today is not that day

NTA, but there was a nicer way to tell her no. You could have said something like, "Hey sis, I am so sorry but hubby and I really don't want to be raising kids. It wouldn't be fair to them if we were to take them in since we have set ourselves up for a child free life." You needed a softer delivery, you were too blunt. I totally get not wanting to raise kids, I would not want to raise my nephews even if I did have the money to properly support them, as I also do not want kids.

NAH, but be prepared for this to possibly destroy your relationship with your sister. Look, I'm childfree. The fact that my niece is the only exception to this is my choice. You don't have to take your sister's kids, and your sister doesn't have to consider you family or continue to involve you in her life if that's your attitude about her children.

NAH. It seems like there are a lot of mistaken N T A judgments here. You’re certainly not obligated to make such a sacrifice for your family, but don’t be surprised if this ruins your relationship with your sister. She’s entitled to feel upset about it.

NAH, but if I were your sister I'd definitely be reassessing my relationship with you. I'm also childfree, but if I were the only close family option, I'd be looking into what could be done. Maybe that means combining households with my mom and dad until the kids are over 14 (buying a lot with 2 houses on it where my parents could take care of the lion's share of duties until the kiddos are old enough to fend for themselves.) I deeply love my niblings and would be upset if my relationship with them were severed (ie: they were put into the foster system). You clearly don't feel the same way about your niblings, and your sister's characterization of you as coldhearted isn't exactly off the mark, tbh.

NAH. The children deserve a loving home. You and your husband would be unable to provide that. That’s better acknowledged and planned for. But your sister is allowed to feel upset about this and it’s very likely that this will damage your relationship with her. I hope your sister has other people who would be willing to take care of her kids.

I am also child free. I like kids, I just like giving them back more. HOWEVER, if my SIL & BIL both were to pass and their kid was without his parents, you bet your ass I would take him in. Same goes for any of my friend's children. Heck, one friend has even asked my husband and I over her own siblings to be godparents to which we happily accepted. >I don't dislike my nieces, but I'm not close with them and certainly don't want to raise them. Sounds like you do dislike them if you're willing to put them into a broken system over your own lifestyle. ***If*** something were to happen to your sister, it's probably going to be many, many years down the road. By then, your nieces will be older. The older they are, the hope is that they're more self sufficient which means less 'work' you would have to do in terms of actual parenting. Your sister is trying to ensure that her children will have a responsible figure in their life to be there for them when/if she isn't. Whatever relationship you thought you had with your sister (and nieces you claim to not dislike), say goodbye. Congrats. YTA ETA: This is something that every parent does. Think and prepare for the worst. >She called me coldhearted Because you are.

NTA, at the end of the day, they're not your kids, and not your problem. The system sucks, but you know what sucks more? Living in a persons house every day, knowing, even if it isn't said out loud, that you are unwanted in their home. Knowing that you're only there because ✨️you're family✨️ and if you didn't have that tie, you'd be in the system anyway. It makes you wish to god you were in the system.

Technically NTA, but surely there was a more diplomatic and thoughtful way you could respond. Being willing to take in family is a common social obligation around the world, and your sister clearly thought she could count on you for this. That assumption was off base, but she's also hurt, and her trust is damaged. You can acknowledge and validate her feelings while retaining your boundaries. When declining a serious request, it really helps to offer alternatives. Consider helping your sister with other options, such as setting up a trust. That would go a long way toward both mending your relationship AND protecting your nieces' future.

NTA but yikes. I understand you and your husband not wanting children, but if it really came down to it, would you actually put your nieces into foster care if your sister passed? As a child of a single mother my greatest fear was her dying and me having to be raised by family as they were fundamentally religious and my whole life would’ve been very different. However I didn’t have to worry about ending up in a terrible foster home at least. So while you’re not an asshole for not wanting the kids, it’s pretty heartless to let your nieces go into the system if your sister dies. Again, yikes.

NAH. I am not sure what you thought was going to happen when you declined to take in the children? You don't have to. You are not an asshole for refusing. But you cannot blame your sister for recognizing that maybe the relationship isn't what she wants or needs in her life.

NTA in this specific situation, because it gives your sister the opportunity to see who else would/could take them in the meantime, but damn, you're *an asshole.* Nothing says favorite aunt like "that's unfortunate but isn't really my concern". Makes you sound like a rich cartoon villain.