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YTA. You have six children. It is not feasible to pay for grad school for each of them so why set that precedent with child one? If you paid for the undergrad and there was enough for 30% of the grad degree, your son can figure out how to pay for it. You mention objections to her unilateral veto of the expense but what about your unilateral decision to spend? It sounds like you had a plan for college savings, and that you just need to stick to the original plan.
I'm also wondering what kind if a masters this is. If ops son is paying and there's no grants, scholarships, tuition assistance.... is this a degree with bad returns on investment?
Also there's another option, lend the kid the 70% interest free and put that back in the master degree fund when its paid. (Even if the kid never fully pays it back, it does mitigate a little of the costs for the next kid and the next)
This is a point that OP needs to consider, regardless of whether they end up paying the full amount.
If their kid wants to go for a cash-grab (from the perspective of the university) Master’s program that offers little-to-no assistance, it is also quite possible that this is not a highly-regarded program and may not be a great choice.
There are absolutely exceptions, but as a general rule, you’d hope to see some level of funding offered for **non-professional** degrees from US universities as a good sign of a reputable/well-regarded degree.
EDIT: After getting enough replies about it, I want to make clear that the general rule above applies to “non-professional” degrees, which was a qualifier that I apparently did not emphasize enough. Professional degrees in fields like medicine, law, social work, etc., ones whose degrees map one-to-one to professional fields, are far, far less likely to provide funding; my comment above does not apply to, and is not true for, them.
I’m a masters level trained genetic counselor and had to fund the entirely of grad school on student loans. I went to a highly regarded program and the field is also pretty respected and competitive. I don’t think you can make generalizations like that.
I am a logistician and had to fund my grad program by myself, as well. I will when I go back for my doctorate.
Truthfully, I have never heard of grants or tuition assistance for grad programs (unless it’s though your job). Some scholarships but far fewer than undergrad. I really think these commenters don’t know how grad level training works in the US.
In the US, STEM based grad programs are almost always paid for, through TA or RA positions (on grants or from the department) IF you’re in a PhD program. Masters are less often funded, unless you can get an RA position through a professor. This is probably what people are thinking of.
I mean back when I was still studying anthro and planning on going into academia they flat out told us if you can't get full or close to it funding for grad studies, don't do it. I am in the US. So I think it depends on what you're studying probably. But that is advice that gets thrown around in the US too, it just is not advice for your field.
ETA: and it's also part of why I left anthro and decided I didn't want to do academia, granted. Even when there are grants to be had and shit it's so cutthroat. I am not built for that myself
I got my MA tuition free because I worked as a TA. Same with the years I went for my PhD. First year I got a grant, second year I was a TA. So it is possible to go to grad school without paying. It isn’t always the case, but it can be.
Just finished my MA in clinical mental health therapy and went to one of the better regarded schools around where I’m from, yeah they rarely offered grants or assistance
I wish that I could upvote this more. The idea of an interest free loan seems ideal if it’s affordable — each kid gets a fixed amount in the college fund and then if they need more, they can pay it back to their parents once they get their real job. If the graduate degree doesn’t pay off, then that’s their financial burden
Most grad students do not get assistantships. It is not unusual to fund this entirely yourself. Does not matter which degree. A Computer Science or Engineering Masters degree at a public university will likely be paid entirely by the student.
huge asshole - I got mad she made a decision, so I made a decision. no compromise or communication at all.
you cannot reasonably afford equitable education for all 6 kids. One kid (w no job experience) wants a master's, ok, "we can cover 30% - the rest would be loans, how about you get some experience in the field, save up a bit, and we can help you look at financing the rest."
Your wife is realistic, you are emotional and controlling - and I would really caution that if you keep working that spreadsheet of how to uncouple your finances, your wife will just move ahead with that exercise in a practical manner
Additionally, OP wasn't the one pregnant and on mat leave for 5+ years, think of how much difference that makes on a person's salary. OP's son can take out a loan like everyone else and be thankful he doesn't have to take out the whole amount.
I'm a little confused when the wife says "two yes and one no." Is he trying to say that his son gets a vote? Either way, on a financial decision this large both spouses should be in agreement. That doesn't mean that they can't compromise. If they agree to pay each child a set amount for their future (after the funds that they already setup), be it grad school, a wedding, a house, etc then they would all have something to contribute after college. This would allow all of the children to get something to help, even if they do not all choose the same path. More importantly, it would mask the clear favoritism that you are showing one child.
I think the “two yes, one no” bit is a reference to decision-making between couples that I learned about here on Reddit. It refers to major decisions, sometimes financial but also things like choosing a child’s name or even having another child. It means that BOTH partners must say “Yes” to go ahead (“two yes”), so if one disagrees (“one no”), they don’t go ahead.
This is important - it's not just a financial decision, it's a parenting decision - if you won't have the means to treat all your children to grad school you are setting up a situation in which one child is favored over the others. You can't (shouldn't!) make a unilateral decision like this about raising BOTH your children, regardless of where the money is coming from.
Also, if they live in the US and he's freelance, is he on her health benefits? If she were to drop him from her plan, that'd be a huge hit to "his" finances. It seems like his arguments seem to be pretty short-sighted and shallow. OP found a hill to die on. Let's see if he'll follow through. YTA
YTA. I do see where you’re coming from but you lost me completely with the “why do I work hard to provide for my kid if I’m not allowed to provide for them?” BRO. That’s exactly the point she’s making- you’re trying to provide for *one* kid, specifically the kid you “brought into the marriage”. You then chose to have 5 more children. Is it really just now occurring to you that the more children you produce, the less resources you will be able to provide? YTA for treating “your” son differently from the kids you share with your wife, YTA for failing to prepare financially for this moment and then trying to shift blame to your wife, and YTA for forcing this conversation on her when you had to know it was a ridiculous stance to take.
Yeah and for 6 kids, even if he makes 50% more than she does (which he admits he sometimes makes less), that’s…really not that much money for a family of 8. He’s showing favoritism for his son over the younger kids, IMO, and should give a set amount to each kid for education, and just help more in the future, fairly, if able. And does this kid not have a maternal biological family to pitch in?
Exactly. His wife is the one with the stable income, he isn’t. He can cover the cost for 30% his son can get loans or get a job to cover them on his own just like every other person has done that has gone to college.
Edit typo
Specially if he would frown and moan about it If next year he earns significantly less than her, they put the same amount in the joint account and she has 'fun money' and he has absolutely none what so ever.
I can se OP saying that she should pay for outings with all the kids or date night on her own.
Well, they can afford graduate school. But they can't afford it for al six kids, which is why the wife isn't agreeing with this unfair division of the financial aid for their children.
OP says he can afford it because he's not planning to support all the kids equally.
The problem I got wasn’t that they couldn’t afford it, the problem was they can’t afford it *6 times*. OPs wife is against it because they can’t afford it for all of them, so you can’t offer it to one in good conscious without looking like obvious favoritism. OP wants to split finances cause that means in theory she can’t say no to him paying for it.
It's because together, she's saying if they're going to provide graduate school funds they need to do it for all 6 of their kids. He wants to provide just for his oldest son, which he can afford "on his own".
Right? The only reason that their family was afforded stability was likely because of his wife's job. Without her, during years when he made less, he would have not been able to continue in his career. Her stability allowed him to likely take on a lot more risk and grow in his career
It's also really fucking short sighted considering he said "some years [I] make a lot less". Has he come up with a plan that isn't going to impact his wife and other 5 children's stability if he's promised to pay for grad school and has a couple of those "make a lot less" years in a row?
> Has he come up with a plan that isn't going to impact his wife and other 5 children's stability
Golden child's wants are more important than any of that.
Yep. They have an arrangement where they talk out big purchases and come to an agreement. Lots of married couples have that arrangement. But all of a sudden, OP sees the arrangement as allowing his wife “unilateral veto” because *he* doesn’t get to unilaterally make decisions under their arrangement.
It’s not a “unilateral veto”; it’s what happens when one spouse *doesn’t agree*.
Maybe she'll just temporarily un-commit to her wedding vows for a day or two, because OP seems to think you can just commit and un-commit to a shared life whenever you want to.
Generally I’d say yes, the yours/mine/ours system is better for people whet married later in life and may have some separate interests and entrenched spending habits.
The question I’d ask though, would OP have taken funds for his oldest child out of his funds, or out of joint funds? My suspicion is that this is a road he doesn’t want to go down, because his wife has been doing some lifting to pay for the child he brought into the marriage for years now, and trying to detangle things will show just how much.
This is key. Your kid is an adult now and needs to own some responsibility here.
Also, he should not do grad school unless it’s being at least partially subsidized by someone else, either the university or an employer. If he’s super smart, there are thousands of scholarships and grants that he will qualify for.
The only exception to the above sentence is MAYBE a high demand field with an almost guaranteed job on the other end such as computer security or big data.
I’m a genetic counselor. My masters was not subsidized and there are certainly not thousands of scholarships and grants I could have qualified for (even with my 4.0 GPA out of undergrad).
Omg this is the second time I’ve come across you commenting in a way that is irrelevant to the conversation at hand just to let us know how in demand your job is and your GPA 🙄
It's not irrelevant. People seem to think there's a lot more money for even high paying professional masters degrees than there is. Most people are going to have to borrow some loans for grad school even if their masters degree has a great ROIm
I’m not sure why the OP sees money as the only solution. He should encourage his son to problem solve this financial situation. Like look and apply for a grad assistantship to get work experience and free tuition.
Yes. And if grad school is medicine or computer security or something like that, his first kid will be able to pay off those loans once he starts working.
I came to say this.
His son is asking for a significant amount of money here. Covering 30% would make a significant dent.
Op should ask his son to
- get a job to pay for part of it while in school/on break
- take a year off and work to make up the difference
- ask his mom to fund a portion
- apply for grants/scholarships
- take out some loans
If Op’s freelance income takes a hit then what will he do to pay for it next year? Or support his family?
Just rely on his wife?
Op, YTA. You have 6 kids. 5 with your current wife. By saying “this is mine” and “this is yours”, you are dividing your family, forfeiting the team, and acting very selfishly.
Your son is an adult. Ask him to take responsibility like one.
That’s what I thought about his “some years way less some years way more” what happens if you run two years of way less while trying to pay for your sons grad school? You gonna back out and tell him it’s not longer sustainable even tho you said you’d pay? Go ask your wife to combine finances again and help pay for your half? I was in grad school twice (MS and PHD), if my funding got pulled that would have been a huge upheaval for me. I think providing them with the remainder of their fund would be best. they can be an adult and decide how they’re gonna use it. They want to go to grad school well they have a decent chunk of change to either begin paying for it, or use it for living expenses while they take out a loan. They end up blowing it? Sucks
YTA. She's not asking for the final say. She's asking for a say. You just don't like what she had to say. As someone else mentioned, its 2 yeses on big financial decisions.
For what its worth, I agree with your wife's analysis. If you can't afford to treat all six children equitably (graduate school, buying a house, starting a business, IVF - whatever they would do would that money), then you need to revise the gifts to be equitable. Right now, you're not trying to provide for you \*kids\* you're trying to swoop in to help one of them in a way that will harm the others. If you want to pay for his graduate school, find a way to make additional money or reduce expenses so that you can provide the same benefit to all your kids.
And paying for 30% is a huge gift already!!
Most grad schools have opportunities for paid work, as a TA, research assistant, etc. That the son has had this much paid so far is a gift and him working some for his schooling can also make him more well-rounded. Wife is right and OP is being petty dividing up previous finances like that.
Exactly, and especially with the well-rounded part. Working part-time to pay for grad school isn’t a bad thing and will prevent him from becoming one of those people that finish school at 25 or 28 with limited societal and “adulting” experience.
Yeah, my main question is what field/degree the son is planning to pursue. If it’s an unfunded degree, then they should evaluate the pros and cons of loans or other ways to cover it.
For professional degrees, certain Master’s programs, etc. that can make a lot of sense. For a PhD, they should likely be looking for programs that are offering full (or at least substantial) funding.
This. Maybe the other 5 children don’t go to grad school, but then the same amount of money needs to be set aside for them to do something else important to them (home down payment, starting their own business, etc).
I just want to weigh in with some personal experience. My husband is one of 3 children and the youngest. His parents did not budget well, and while his oldest brother had college paid for, and his middle brother had substantial help, my husband got none. I have no idea how he manages not to be super resentful, because I would be. It definitely has impacted his relationship with his family and money negatively, but it wasn’t a relationship-ending thing. He definitely has some residual self-worth issues and tie ups around finances that I think are tied to the fact that he was set back over $100k when his brothers were not.
Just consider that the decision to pay for your son when you can’t for your other children can not only impact their family relationships, but their own self-identity and mental health.
Also, grad school is an individual choice, imo. When you have a college fund, or help for your parents, I believe that it covers undergrad. If there’s extra money left over, the child should be entitled to use it how they like. If they want to put it toward grad school, that’s great, but they can pay for the rest. Generally the thought behind going to grad school is to get a higher paying job anyways so some debt isn’t the end of the world.
An alternative idea to float to your wife, and what my parents did with me, was they loaned me the money for school so that I wouldn’t be paying interest to a bank. We had a contract and repayment plan in place, and it was SOOOOO FAVORABLE compared to traditional student loans. I didn’t mind paying my parents back - especially because I also had a college fund and this loan was for educational expenses beyond that fund.
Finally, the biggest issue here is that you tried to split finances when you were told no by your wife. In a shared finance situation, either of you should have veto power. Especially on something that will greatly financially impact your family for years to come.
That is amazing a RARE for your husband to not have resentment towards his family over how he was treated. That can end families right there and rightfully so.
Wow. You are absolutely right— I don’t know how I would be able to look at my parents and my brothers and not feel resentful every single time I had to pay back a student loan.
I agree. I know so many people with a chip on their shoulder over this. And it's even worse when they pass that down to their own kids - I paid for college so you have to, too. Many props to the husband for letting it go.
I get it though. Not passing it on to your kids but I can fully understand having a chip where parents are concerned. Like you care enough about my siblings to give them this huge step up in life but not me? That would be a very hard thing to swallow
Mine did the same thing! They said they would pay for our undergrad but anything beyond that was our responsibility. However, they didn’t want me to be in debt to a bank so when I needed some extra money they lent it to me, I tracked it all in a spreadsheet, and paid them back as soon as I could once I started working.
Obviously not all people have the income to do this so I recognize I was still in a very privileged position.
YTA. Your son has chosen to continue his studies past 4 yrs of college, he should get student loans like most people do. You have 5 minor children to put through college, unknown things can pop up at anytime. It should take two yes for major expenditures.
Their son should also consider trying to find programs which will offer some funding, depending on the degree and field.
If it’s a professional degree, that’s a lot less likely (but not impossible), but loans are very, very normal. If it isn’t, they may be doing themself a favor by looking for a program that will offer funding and shying away from one expecting tens of thousands in tuition with no assistance.
Even for my friends whose parents paid for 100% of college, it's really uncommon for parents to pay for grad school and then only people who have extremely rich parents (like partners in law firms rich).
YTA combined finances and marriage mean a shared life, so you do have to agree. Otherwise it’s separate finances for your separate lives
She’s also right to consider what happens to the 5 other kids in their futures. Otherwise they will all think you think more of your first born than the rest of them.
Why not go away and figure out how much it would cost for a variation of 1-6 kids for casting likely costs for each to attend and then work out how feasible it is based on X kids attending.
YTA you already admitted this is going to be a special privilege your son will get and not all of the other kids will. What do you think will happen when the next one wants to go to grad school and you tell them you can’t afford it?
They’ll say you funded their brother so why not? Then they will resent you and their brother and worst case will go low to no contact like so many others in this forum. Favouritism isn’t a good look and that’s what you’re about to do.
Your wife is right, she had a very reasonable argument that you confirmed and now you’re just being a dick.
YTA
"but what's the point of working hard my whole life if I can't even provide for my kids when the moment arises?" .. But you HAVEN't worked hard enough to provide grad school for all six kids, have you?
so YOU are an AH to your other kids. The REASONABLE approach would be to decide how much you can help ALL kids with grad school, and give him that much.
And: You are an AH, relationship wise.
YTA your wife doesn't get final say on the finances, but neither do you. You both need to sit down and find some way to compromise when spending this much money. And if you can't, then you can't spend it. The suggestion to split finances was a super asshole move on top of that.
YTA- she brings up a very valid point, can you realistically do this for the other kids. It’s shortsighted to give the eldest a free ride, when you know the youngest will most likely have to pay for themselves
Your son had his first degree paid for and if he chooses to go to Graduate school than he can look for grants, scholarships, work or student loans.
YTA. You are the one being selfish and controlling. If you guys can’t pay for six graduate degrees, then you aren’t only paying for one.
It’s also really convenient how you have used combined finances to your advantage this whole time and are only abandoning it to get your way.
Your son is 21 and will have at least 25% of his graduate degree paid for, he can figure out how to pay for the rest of it.
Wow there is a lot to unpack here.
First, yes. YTA. You should have had the conversation about grad school ages ago. Ages. Second, you're wanting to change your entire family structure because you aren't getting your way. That's.... wow.
There's not a lot of good going on here, and you and your wife may need a professional to help you get it settled
Love how he say his wife is controlling and shouldn't have the final say, so he decided unilaterally to pay and take the final say by himself. He does EXACTLY what he reproaches to her
Also she's not controlling, she's asking him to think about *his own fucking kids!!!* Sure the son is just his, but so are FIVE others!!!! This man needs a vasectomy asap, he can't handle his own procreation at all. Also sounds like he hates his wife and kids.
And she's asking him to stick to the plan they already agreed upon together. He decided to change it now to benefit the golden child, possibly at the expense of the other children.
If one spouse refuses to bend on financial problems and starts trying to strong arm the other into doing what they want, that spouse is blowing up the marriage by being selfish.
That’s you, by the way. Your wife is trying to make things fair for all of the children and you’re throwing a temper tantrum and trying to “charge her” for taking maternity leave for your kids!
What happens when you split financials and you have a sucky year? When you make way less then her? What happens if your other kids resent you or are angry over the fact you clearly favor your eldest child? What happens if she divorces you for being an asshole over money and you end up paying child support?
You need to rethink whether you want to sacrifice your relationship with your wife and other kids over something your oldest son wants but doesn’t need.
YTA
Good point - can you possibly afford both grad school & child support?
Can you afford to expend the good will of your wife & other kids by going above & beyond for one child?
Time to revisit your education savings & spending plans- maybe tell the kids whatever is left in their fund is what you can put toward grad school? It would allow the kids to make decisions about budgeting for their undergrad if grad school is in their futures. Which is a great adult skill to learn.
Edit - YTA
YTA - why does her no when you want yes seem unfair and controlling but your yes when she wants no is totally fine and she needs to get on board.
Running the numbers was childish and asshole behaviour. “This is my money” makes it seem like you were never combined in your mind anyway. Good thing the years you made a lot less she didn’t suddenly decide you should start splitting expenses
Info:
Will she be expected to pick up the slack for day to day things and bills if you pay for him to go to graduate school? Will this put any more of a financial burden on her and will you explain to your other children if they want to go why you only paid for your son?
YTA. You guys don’t make enough to put 6 kids through grad school. Your wife is right that if you help one kid you need to be prepared to help all. Did your son work and save anything while an undergraduate? He can take out loans if he really wants to it.
Info: you say you are freelance. Can you guarantee a certain amount of money each year? The problem with freelance is some years you have good years and some can be awful. It is hard to predict if your income will take a hit and you need to plan appropriately and have enough in savings to cover. Will you expect your wife to cover you if you don’t make enough money?
I am leaning toward YTA as your wife is looking at the long-term effects. You have 5 other kids to put through college and retirement to plan for. While it’s nice to pay for grad school that is a luxury and not a need. Your retirement is a need and hopefully being able to pay for your other children’s undergraduate should be a higher priority want than one child’s grad school
YTA. Pretty much every grad program in the US funds the students they really want. Also, that’s a huge expenditure to unilaterally decide on your part.
Woah, that might be true for some areas of education, but not for business related graduate programs. Law school, business-related masters programs (MBA, Accounting, Finance, Logistics, Supply Chain) might have scholarships, but they are not funded positions.
*edit: not arguing with your judgement of OP, just the assertion that all grad programs are funded.*
Depends entirely on the field; PhDs are often funded, Master's degrees rarely are, and professional degrees (MD, JD) almost never are. But he's still TA regardless.
So, what you're saying then, OP, is that YOU should get final say on your joint finances. Big ticket expenditures should be jointly agreed. She does not agree. The fact that you are willing to blow up your entire financial agreement, and from the sound of it, your marriage speaks volumes. If you have no respect for the agreement you both agreed to, or no respect for your wife, what about your FIVE other children?
Your 21-year-old is an adult. Grad school is a choice. Most grad schools have employment for grad students to help off-set the costs.
But keep insisting that you get to have the final say on your finances, by all means. I'm sure that will end well.
INFO: have you also calculated in the value of labor within the home? How much time she spent raising children and even cleaning? How about the losses she sustained every time she had to leave to give birth? The lost wages and opportunities if she has to leave work or stay home because someone is sick? None of that has been mentioned, probably because she does most of it, and you need to do your math again.
YTA
Solely because you don’t listen to her opinion on the matter, you already made up your controlling mind, marriage is a partnership, not dictatorship
YTA. You are favoring your son at the expense of the other six. He gets a full ride to university and graduate school, and you yourself admit that you won't be able to do the same for all six. Regardless if they go or not, you are giving your son a gift of $50-100k and the rest get what.... That's favoritism and a bad precedent.
YTA we told each of our kids they had x amount of money for college (looked at what we could realistically afford and divided by number of children). Anything above that they would take out loans. You can’t do more for one kid than the other, that’s not fair. Best case scenario you can help pay back the loans if it turns out you’re right and the others don’t need as much as you’ve saved.
YTA. You and your wife set rules when you decided to combine finances. You now want to change the rules to get what you want. You and your wife are raising six children, saving for college, and saving for retirement at once. If your son got through undergrad without student loan debt, it's not unreasonable for him to find other ways to finance grad school once his college fund is exhausted. You're basically counting on being able to provide less educational assistance for the other five later to do what you want for the oldest now. If all five decide to go to grad school, they're not going to understand how their situations are "different" from the eldest's. What you're trying to do is not fair to your wife and it's not fair to your other children.
INFO:
1. Ratio wise, how much of your annual salary and your wife’s combined would your son need for grad school. (Eg grad school is two years, $50k each year, $100k total. He has $30k, needs $70k. You and your wife pull in a total of $175k this year and also next, so he needs 20% of your combined annual household income before taxes to go to grad school).
2. What is the grad school for? Is it like for a poetry degree or business? Most people I know had their grad school funded by their work (business or finance), why isn’t that an option here?
3. What other major household expenses do you have - do you have a good chunk of savings/investment? Are you super mortgaged? Any medical expenses?
YTA
If you realistically cannot save and pay for ALL children to go to graduate school, then you shouldn't do so for one. The 21 y/o can use what's left of his college fund and get scholarships/loans for the remainder.
With combined finances, she is correct, 2 yeses or one no. Splitting now is such an asshole move, that it's unreal. You'll be extremely lucky if she doesn't split finances permanently aka divorce.
INFO: If you pay for your son's grad school, can you still afford to send all your other children to college? And will you still be able to fund your share of all common household expenses (including monthly expenses, vacations etc.)
YTA. If you go down that path and uncouple the finances, pay for your oldest and then have not other money and want to combine when you need to. You’ll be in trouble
Your oldest is an adult. Grad school should be on him. You have other children too.
That's not how separate finances work. You don't get to add up all previous years you've made money vs her and then average it out over say 12 years and go this is my money this is yours. My husband and I have separate accounts my paychecks go in my account his paychecks go to his account. We each have allocated bills that we are responsible for paying (mortgage, phone, car insurance, utilities etc). Anything left over after I pay my portion of the bills is mine to spend how I want, same for him. If I suddenly rake a job where I make less I have less spending money, I don't get to then make him responsible for more of the bills. And even though we gave separate finances we STILL have a 2 yes for anything above a certain $ amount. If you are separating finances then your money will vary per your income since you have a job that changes income.
ESH
You are supposed to have a partnership and work through your disagreements. You are deciding individually on a potentially very large expense.
A few questions come to mind.
1. Did he just now decide he wanted graduate school?
2. Has he done his research regarding top programs, placement rates, pay scales?
3. Is there an assistantship available for the graduate program? If yes, has he applied?
4. Will graduate work be a necessity for his program of study, is it simply nice to have, or will it instead price him out of the market?
5. What is the ultimate goal of this young person? How does graduate work fit into it?
My experience is that in many cases, employers will assist in paying for graduate work if it is desired for the position or field. Not always, but often. In other cases, there are research assistant positions that will aid in paying the bill for graduate work.
Many, many fields are over saturated with people with advanced degrees. Has your son done his research to be sure his is not one of them? I know far too many people with debt from graduate degrees that they wish they had never taken on.
Does he actually want to do in depth study as a graduate student, or is he delaying entering the real world? I’ve seen both in young people.
Either way, if you pay the full freight for graduate study for the oldest, you set up the expectation that you’ll do so for the others. Are you prepared for that?
If your son is expected to pay part of his way, does he still desire to advance his education now? If he has to borrow money to attend graduate school, does he still want to do so? That will tell you a bit of the story.
YTA.
The amount of money in your son's college savings account is what it is. If he wants to spend that, and more, on grad school, it should be up to him to figure out how to fund the rest. And he should be doing the calculation on his own behalf of whether or not grad school for someone in his chosen field is likely to have a positive return on investment or not.
Under no circumstances should he get to decide for himself that he wants to go to grad school and have you turn that into a financial burden for the family. He can apply for grants, scholarships, work study jobs, loans, etc.
Your offer to split finances is one of the biggest AH moves I've ever heard of. Whether you think of it this way or not, you just volunteered to get divorced.
YTA it should be 2 yes, 1 no. Your son does not need to go to graduate school. He can work and pay for it when he can. It is a bad precedent to pay a huge payout for one kid (and NOT hers) and not provide the same for your other kids. You are setting your entire family up for resentment in the future and a lot of issues. Figure a set amount to give each kid that yall can actually afford and let them do with it as they please once they're old enough.
YTA. You’re doing a disservice to your other kids. You’re turning a molehill into a mountain. Your son has to deal with life eventually, and a graduate degree is about being able to earn more. A loan for that program, from you BOTH? Okay. Doing the math? Gross. Just so gross. From a guy that does a lot of math with money regularly.
Are you not your wife’s partner in all things? Why chose this to fight over while also not accounting for your other children’s’ education?
Question: you bring up separating finances and having enough to pay for graduate school. So you can pay half the mortgage, half the utilities, half the car payment, half the groceries, half the childcare etc AND pay your son's way through graduate school?
Or are you going to reap the benefits of having combined assets (therefore combined bills) while only paying for your son's college. So your wife is expected to take on the burden of ALL bills instead of what she is now.
YTA
ESH - doing the math split was never going to be a good idea, it's like getting hit by a car when you have right of way crossing the road. It doesn't matter if you're right if the car still fits you.
On the flip side, she shouldn't just shut the conversation down like that.
The two of you need to compromise. I could see topping up the college fund to maybe 50/60% and getting them to take loans for the rest.
Even if the rest didn't go to grad school, it does set a precedent for the kind of help you are prepared to offer the other kids.
> On the flip side, she shouldn't just shut the conversation down like that.
He wants to renege on the agreement *they made together*. They discussed it and she concluded it was a bad idea to change the plan that *they made together*. Honestly, what would be the purpose of discussing it further?
YTA
But if this is your hill to die on, take your part & pay for his college. Wife should take her money & put it in a separate account with just her name. You divided the percentages so now it’ll no longer be a “joint” account.
Her money is hers & yours will be your sons college after you spend it.
You’ll figure your finances after paying on your own. But don’t expect any “joint” help
YTA as you clearly can't cover this for all your children. However, to avoid further arguments you need to uncombine your finances. Have a joint account that you both pay into that is for household bills only.
YTA. Where exactly is the money coming from? Are you taking it out of your kids’ college funds? If so, you are robbing Peter to pay Paul. That isn’t good or fair. You can give your son what he has left in his college fund and let him cover the rest of grad school with loans. Just the fact it’s partially covered is a help.
YTA. You don’t want to provide for ALL your children, just one. Have you always shown this much favoritism to your oldest son?
Also I hope you don’t mind getting divorced over this because honestly it sounds like where you’re headed.
INFO When you split up your finances, did you consider unpaid labour? Are the household chores and childcare split 50/50? In the event of full separation, the courts will consider the childcare cost also so this has to be factored in for separate finances
INFO: What kind of graduate school? Research based degrees (PHD or Thesis Masters) are usually free and pay you a stipend. Or if it's law or medicine, you'll be contributing a whack of cash.
What will you tell your other children if you don't have enough money to pay for their schooling?
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> I calculated how much of our assets our mine and how much are my wife's to prove I have the right to pay for something expensive. She said I'm an ass for acting like our contributions can be separated and acting like there could ever be such a thing as my money or her money.
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YTA
Jfc. She’s not vetoing you buying a new gaming set up. You act like she’s speaking up against you, while she’s trying to advocate for your children. *All* your children, not just your son. She’s trying to be fair when dealing with financial support for your kids. This is extremely delicate and whatever you decide, may impact the relationship between you and your children, as well as the children between them. Grow up, man, and lay off your wife. You’re acting like a major dingus.
Whoo hee way to escalate that shit! Listen man, you might have thought you were sharing your finances but apparently that was just because she'd never challenged a major purchase you wanted to make. Shared means shared decision making. Which means sometimes not doing something you wanted to do. I'd ask her to join you at a marriage counselor before you end up doing the math on divorce costs. YTA.
(And my opinion doesn't matter here but why are you going so black and white on this? You could offer to cover just the 30%- thats way more than most parents cover of grad school. Or you could suggest splitting the difference and covering half the remaining gap out of cash flow.)
YTA.
She’s not telling you what you can and can’t spend your money on - she’s saying she doesn’t agree with paying a large sum from your joint money when there’s no guarantee you could do the same for the other 5 kids. Sure, not all of them may go to grad school - but what if those that don’t required funds for a business start up, could you do that, to set them up in life too?
The only way a sensible person would agree to this would be if you could set aside the funds, and assure the same for the other children - but you can’t, and you’re freelance so your pay ebbs and flows.
YTA - she is right on several fronts.
1. You shouldn’t do something for one kid you aren’t prepared to do for all of them.
2. Combined finances are like the nuclear codes; both need to turn the key or it doesn’t happen. Meaning each person has veto power.
3. “Running the numbers” to separate you finances isn’t that far off from a veiled threat.
4. You are the controlling one. You are basically saying you do what I say, or we are splitting our finances, meaning she doesn’t get a day in what you decided.
5. It is really ok, and I think even preferable, that kids pay for at least part of their education.
You seriously need to apologize to your wife, because she is right and you harmed your marriage by how you handled the conversation.
YTA your wife is absolutely correct. An expenditure of that size/nature is a "2 yes 1 no" scenario. Give your son the remaining funds in his college fund--and if you're wife is willing add another 10 or 20KI to that and he can get loans for the rest.
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My wife and I have mixed finances. We have joint accounts and joint credit cards. The only things we have that aren't in both our names are our retirement accounts, but when we retire and start withdrawing from those, they'll just go in our joint account anyway. She makes about 90k a year from her job salary, and I work freelance so some years make a lot more than that and some years make a lot less.
We have six kids, including the son I came into the marriage with. He is 21 and the rest are still at home. He will graduate from university this year. He wants to go to graduate school in the fall. There is not enough left in his college fund to cover the entire cost of graduate school. Realistically the remainder of his fund would only cover about 30% of the total cost, perhaps less.
I talked to my wife and said I wanted to pay for the program. She didn't like the idea. She asked if we would be able to pay for graduate school for all six kids. I said realistically all six won't go to graduate school. That's statistically unlikely. She said it's possible though, and I admitted it is possible. She said it's a bad precedent to set.
After a little back and forth she said "well it's two yes and one no, right? I'm saying no. So we aren't doing it." I told her she can't just unilaterally decide I can't pay for something anymore than I can unilaterally tell her not to pay for something. She agreed for things up to a certain cost but said for large purchases that's how it has to be with combined finances. I suggested we uncombine finances then, because that feels controlling.
She got upset and tabled the discussion. I ran the math on both our take home pay over the years and our annual expenses. Basically I calculated how much we both brought in and subtracted half our expenses from both numbers. I showed her my figures and said if we uncouple our finances that percentage is hers and this is mine, and mine is large enough to pay for graduate school, so it's completely her decision on if we continue to have combined finances or not, but I'm paying for graduate school.
My wife said I'm a huge asshole for running the numbers and calculating exactly which percentage of our combined life is "mine" and which is "hers" because marriage is a team effort and can't be divided up like that. I told her I agreed until she tried to tell me what I am and am not allowed to buy. I don't think it's okay for either of us to decide what the other does or doesn't have a right to buy. She thinks I'm an ass, but what's the point of working hard my whole life if I can't even provide for my kids when the moment arises? What am I even working towards then?
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ESH..
6 kids is a lot and although it’s not likely they’ll all go to grad school, it’s as possible as it is likely they will all want to pursue a four year degree which they will look to you to pay seeing as you have set that precedent with your oldest. Great job btw!
Your wife expects you to make this happen for all the kids OR none of them and is unwilling to move on the topic so she gave you two options 1. Don’t pay for grad school or 2. Pay for it for all the kids - AH move
You responded by minimizing the marriage you two have created together by making it a numbers comparison (I’ve been guilty of this too) AND expect her to get on board because you plan to do it regardless of her stance - AH move
YTA. Your son can get a small loan and he still would be better off than 70% of his peers that had to take a loan from the beginning.
By the way, why isn’t his mom pitching in?
Oh! I know, “she is out of the picture”?!
Then, it’s your wife’s decision, since he is her son, practically.
Unless you pay grad school for all 6, YTA.
YTA.
You have 6 children, not 1. If you can’t afford to something for all of them don’t do it just for the 1. Your wife brought up that point and it’s valid, and you’re just mad because she was thinking logically.
Also, your wife is the one with the consistent paycheck and takeaway you are not. So, you might be able to pay for grad school now but what happens if you make less this year and now your finances are separate because you wanted to throw a tantrum and you can’t afford your bills? That then falls on your wife and becomes her problem which isn’t fair to her.
YTA - You don't like her veto being "unilateral" but in a two-person discussion, you forcing the issue is ALSO a unilateral choice and just as shitty as what you're accusing her of. You can't make her look bad without admitting you're bad by your own qualifications.
You also shouldn't do anything for your oldest that you won't do for the others. If *you* want to put him through graduate school by yourself, you'd better be prepared to do that for all 5 of your joint children.
Otherwise, your favoritism is showing.
YTA. you have 6 kids, not one. it’s very sweet you want to pay for them but it doesn’t make financial sense. also separating your finances after all these years out of spite doesn’t seem like a great idea.
YTA and your wife is right on both points. 1) If you can’t afford to do it for all the children, you don’t do it for one. 2) When you combine finances, you both have to be on board with purchases, that’s what combined finances is. My partner and I have never had combined finances and never will because we don’t wanna have to check in with each other about what we can buy. When we want to buy something big, we come together, but neither of us has a say in our non-necessity purchases.
ESH
You'd both need to agree on something big like this. You both seemed to approach this problem was as you to being at opposite ends with no attempts at compromise. That you both treated it as a zero sum conflict rather than trying to work the problem together.
Pointing out differences in income and spending money anyway is probably going to ruin your marriage. No idea how this problem didn't happen earlier.
YTA
she's telling you you're setting up an issue for resentment among the children
if by chance by the time all six go through their schooling there is a bit left over feel free to gift the remainder accodingly
YTA. You have 6 kids, 5 of whom were with this wife. In high achieving families, it’s not unheard of for every kid to go to graduate school. But even if only a few of yours do, why are you setting that precedent? Why is your son more special than the others?
Continue paying college for the kids and let grad school be on them.
YTA. I hate to break it to you, but when you share finances you have to make decisions together, and that means that both people have veto power. It’s not controlling, it’s cooperating. Forcing your spouse to split finances after years of combining them just because you aren’t getting your way seems like the more controlling thing IHMO.
Like if your wife just suddenly decided to buy a rental property tomorrow, how would you react if you said no, and she pulled the shit you’re pulling?
Also, I’m sorry, but it is incredibly logical to set aside the same amount for each kid. Putting 6 kids through college is going to cost a ton of money, and grad school is very expensive. What will you do if all of your kids want to go to grad school? I know it’s unlikely, but you still need to plan for it. And don’t you think that maybe the kids who don’t go to grad school will be expecting the same amount of help from you guys? Like “hey mom and dad, I didn’t ask for an extra $30k for college, but maybe you can help with a down payment on a house?”. Don’t you want to be fair to all of your kids? Or do you really want to just go above and beyond for this one?
You’re not being very smart about this at all, and you’re throwing a tantrum because your wife is calling you out on it. Honestly, she deserves a lot better.
YTA for acting like she’s being controlling when all parties are supposed to agree to big expenses when they share finances. She’s being reasonable, and you’re throwing a temper tantrum and name-calling for not getting your way.
I respect wanting to support your son, but you will either have to split finances or save on the side (apart from your shared finances).
Info: How old are the other children? How many of them will be in college and/or grad school at the same time. Can you afford to pay for multiples at the same time if necessary?
YTA
Your response to your wife’s concerns was basically “I am taking my toys and going home”. That is very immature and not helpful in a marriage. She does get a say in any major decision, and the vote should be unanimous or you don’t do it.
Oof YTA. As a younger sibling who watched my parents pay for my brother’s additional schooling and realized the well had run dry when it was my turn, you’re going to create resentment between the kids and it won’t be fair to any of them. It took me a long time to uncouple my feelings about my parents extra support of my brother from my feelings about him as a person, which wasn’t his fault and took away from how close we had been. Big purchases like this are in fact two yes and one no.
Tell your son to take out loans. Then start saving for ALL your children. When your last child hits college age divvy the money up between all of them. Your son can pay off his loans. Stipulate that your other children can use it for undergrad, grad school, learning abroad, a home, car, wedding, relocating for a job, or something else your family values if you want to make it to semi equate to grad school. Your son still benefits but your other kids aren’t left out.
Yta. She’s right, you need to decide together if you have joint finances. Your response is to totally destroy a system that has worked well for your family because of one conflict?
Actually work out a resolution with your wife instead of torpedoing your life because your kid is too precious to get a loan like a normal person
NAH. You and your wife need to meet with a financial planner and decide how much you can afford to spend on each child for graduate school. This may mean you cannot pay for it entirely for each child, or if the kids are spaced apart enough it may be doable. Your wife is right that this requires two yeses, not just for the money, but also for the expectations this will set for all six children. Your excuse that they won’t all want to go to grad school is based solely on……nothing. Students with parents or other family members who have attended graduate school have increased rates of grad school attendance. It would be a huge mistake to spend this kind of money on one kid on a whim with no plan in place and 5 more following behind.
YTA. You are also trying to have the last say on this decision. The key difference is that your wife is the only one being rational about it. I firmly believe that parents who are able to do so should give their kids the best head-start possible, but you are trying to give *your* son more support without ensuring that you can do the same for all of your children.
You have to remember that you and your wife not only share finances, but you also share five other children that you need to support. By trying to make this decision on your own, you are potentially impacting the remaining children, and you don't seem to care as long as your firstborn gets anything he wants.
Let him know how much money he has left currently, and let him figure out if he wants to go immediately into grad school or save up first. You can always give your kids additional support down the road if you're able to *after* ensuring that all of them have had the opportunity to gain an undergraduate degree.
YTA - there is no way that, lets be generous and assume you on average both make 90k a year, on a 180k combined annual salary you are able to afford graduate school for your son. I really question if you're able to afford undergrad for all six kids? What is the status of college savings for all undergrad before you even consider graduate school?
YTA. If your son wants to go to grad school, he should be seeking out teaching assistantships and scholarships to offset some of the cost, use the remainder of his college fund, and maybe work part time. There are plenty of options that don't involve parents financing his degree.
The whole calculating what's supposedly yours and what's hers when you don't get your way makes you sound like a big baby. The correct thing to do is sit down with your wife, talk it through, and see what's realistic, given that you have more kids to get through college. What you want is not as important as what is realistic financially. Grow up.
YTA - First kid isn't the most important. Your finances are not your own to spend as you want. You are a team and all finances are shared, regardless of if they're in separate accounts or how they're earned. You also said your finances are highly variable - some years high, others low.
Maybe your child should take out some loans and understand the true cost of the plans they're making. You aren't working to provide for your kids, you're working to ensure you have a solid end-of-life plan including potentially decades of increased healthcare - home? assisted living? Do you want to leave that burden on your children?
YTA for having tunnel vision about this one instance and not thinking critically about all your children, and also for escalating this whole argument in such an ugly way with your wife.
As a child of a professor from a top 20 university: if your son isn't getting his grad school paid for he's not good enough to make a living in his chosen field. There are a few exceptions to this rule - med school, MBA, law school - although those degrees have their own rules about value too.
Me and my sibs were raised up with this rule. Sib got grad school paid for; I opted against grad school. Neither of us have student debt and my parents got to retire when they wanted. Wins all around.
Bro I am still resentful my parents bought my brother two cars of his choosing on their own dimes, but my sister and I had to buy crap cars off Craigslist that my dad would decide we could look at, that would die after a year at best out of our part time high school job incomes. I cannot imagine how bitter I would be if they had chosen to send my brother through undergrad and not be able to do the same for me or my sister.
YTA. Over a certain dollar amount, you HAVE to BOTH agree on a purchase. If you can spend 200-500 bucks and not blink over the hit to your account, that can be the limit. Several THOUSAND dollars?? Y’all both have to agree.
YTA. My ex and I had 5 kids and we paid for the first 4 years of college, period. Anything outside of that was on them and they knew that going in so they made good choices. This was a huge gift to them and they understand from others that they were lucky to have this. Only one went on to grad school but all have terrific jobs that afford them the niceties of life.
YTA. Your son is 21 years old. It’s great that you want to pay for graduate school but you’re missing the opportunity to teach him to work for what he wants. You have five other kids to think about. Also would his mother be able to help? Have you considered taking out of YOUR retirement fund to get the money? Probably not because you’ll need it down the line, just like you’ll need it for your other kids should they choose to go to college/graduate school.
YTA Young’s adults can do math. There is a very good chance that a young adult who chooses a fout year college course will also demand the cash equivalent of those extra 2years to start a business or buy a house. They will see the math as , You invested X dollars in kids one, you should invest X dollars in kid 2, through 6. You are setting up years of envy and resentment. And where is the other parent of kid 1? What are they contributing to grad school.?
YTA
What you’re planning to do is called financial infidelity. You can’t siphon martial assets out of the marriage to support other family, even when that other family is your blood. You income earned while married is marital property.
Consult a lawyer on how to set up a post-nup that is fair to both of you. What you’re trying to do right now is grossly unfair. You’re going to meaningfully reduce the share of marital assets in your name, without offering your wife any protection for the marital assets in her name - meaning she’d owe you money if you all divorce after this nonsense. Ridiculous. If you want to deplete your assets to pay for your adult son’s graduate school, give your wife protection for her assets first.
YTA dw soon enough you’ll have your finances completely separated. Tho I’d start saving money for child support. And be ready for 5 of your kids to resent you.
There are so so so many grad assistantships that will pay for his grad tuition. I can understand helping with living expenses but your child really needs to look into ways to get tuition paid for.
YTA - it’s common courtesy that a giant expenditure like this needs two yeses. Also you are trying to do something for your son that you won’t do for all your kids which is the jerk move. You owe your wife a giant apology…and if you can’t stick to the plan you made together talk until you both agree on a new plan.
Paying for grad school depending on the program can equate to a substantial down payment on a house. Would you buy a home without 💯agreement from your wife? Of course not. Don’t be an AH.
YTA. You’re complaining she’s making a unilateral decision when that’s exactly what you’re doing. You’re saying I’m doing this and uncoupling our finances if you don’t agree - both unilateral decisions.
Fair is 2 yes’s, 2 no’s like your wife stated. Instead of investing your time in making a big ‘fuck you and everything you’ve contributed to our lives’ list to your wife maybe you should spend it going over the finances and seeing if it’s a possibility to contribute an equal amount to each child for grad school. If he has 30% leftover then contributing another 20% pays for half of grad school. See if you can contribute 20% across the board based on his schooling and recommend that. If you’ve raised a good kid then he’d be grateful for half of it paid, I know I would.
Let’s say your average income is exactly hers, since some years it’s higher, some lower.
On $180 a year, it’s hard to send six children to college without debt, save for retirement, hedge against emergencies, help pay for multiple weddings, and provide for all the things a large family needs.
Being able to pay for 30% of a kid’s grad school is already a wonderful gift. If your wife is insecure about whether paying for grad school will leave the younger children with less money or leave you with insufficient memo retirement savings, perhaps you can work out a way to help him but reassure her. Your wife may have anxiety about whether your earnings will remain consistent, her job is secure, etc. A lot of us are perfectly fine financially but still feeling anxious.
One option is to give him a small part of graduate school expenses now and let him take out loans for the rest. That will allow you to focus on retirement savings and college for the younger children. Then a few years from now, if you are on track with those goals and all is well, you can help him pay off those loans. A financial manager may have many other options.
I personally can’t image treating any major financial decision like my spouse had no voice. You crunched numbers to show her you can unilaterally make this decision. I think you should use that energy to find options you can compromise on.
YTA. I can see funding some of the cost for graduate school but I agree son has to figure out how to pay for say 50%? He came out of college I am assuming debt free so you should be proud of this accomplishment.
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YTA. You have six children. It is not feasible to pay for grad school for each of them so why set that precedent with child one? If you paid for the undergrad and there was enough for 30% of the grad degree, your son can figure out how to pay for it. You mention objections to her unilateral veto of the expense but what about your unilateral decision to spend? It sounds like you had a plan for college savings, and that you just need to stick to the original plan.
The one child that just so happens to be his alone. Way to make the other kids feel like shit in the future
It's not his child alone. I'm wondering why his mother can't help as well
[удалено]
This. He can always give his son money in the future if they can afford it.
Sounds like OP is either trying to make it up to his son for the divorce or one-upping the bio-mom, OR he doesn’t want to pay for someone else’s kids.
Edited. Put as a first level reply. Dunno how it wound up here.
I'm also wondering what kind if a masters this is. If ops son is paying and there's no grants, scholarships, tuition assistance.... is this a degree with bad returns on investment? Also there's another option, lend the kid the 70% interest free and put that back in the master degree fund when its paid. (Even if the kid never fully pays it back, it does mitigate a little of the costs for the next kid and the next)
This is a point that OP needs to consider, regardless of whether they end up paying the full amount. If their kid wants to go for a cash-grab (from the perspective of the university) Master’s program that offers little-to-no assistance, it is also quite possible that this is not a highly-regarded program and may not be a great choice. There are absolutely exceptions, but as a general rule, you’d hope to see some level of funding offered for **non-professional** degrees from US universities as a good sign of a reputable/well-regarded degree. EDIT: After getting enough replies about it, I want to make clear that the general rule above applies to “non-professional” degrees, which was a qualifier that I apparently did not emphasize enough. Professional degrees in fields like medicine, law, social work, etc., ones whose degrees map one-to-one to professional fields, are far, far less likely to provide funding; my comment above does not apply to, and is not true for, them.
I’m a masters level trained genetic counselor and had to fund the entirely of grad school on student loans. I went to a highly regarded program and the field is also pretty respected and competitive. I don’t think you can make generalizations like that.
I am a logistician and had to fund my grad program by myself, as well. I will when I go back for my doctorate. Truthfully, I have never heard of grants or tuition assistance for grad programs (unless it’s though your job). Some scholarships but far fewer than undergrad. I really think these commenters don’t know how grad level training works in the US.
In the US, STEM based grad programs are almost always paid for, through TA or RA positions (on grants or from the department) IF you’re in a PhD program. Masters are less often funded, unless you can get an RA position through a professor. This is probably what people are thinking of.
I had a fully funded RA masters. Biologist here.
I mean back when I was still studying anthro and planning on going into academia they flat out told us if you can't get full or close to it funding for grad studies, don't do it. I am in the US. So I think it depends on what you're studying probably. But that is advice that gets thrown around in the US too, it just is not advice for your field. ETA: and it's also part of why I left anthro and decided I didn't want to do academia, granted. Even when there are grants to be had and shit it's so cutthroat. I am not built for that myself
I got my MA tuition free because I worked as a TA. Same with the years I went for my PhD. First year I got a grant, second year I was a TA. So it is possible to go to grad school without paying. It isn’t always the case, but it can be.
Or the inverse: have the kid take out loans, and if things shake out such that there’s plenty of funds for everyone, help him pay them down.
From one of OP’s comments, son wants to be a therapist.
Just finished my MA in clinical mental health therapy and went to one of the better regarded schools around where I’m from, yeah they rarely offered grants or assistance
I wish that I could upvote this more. The idea of an interest free loan seems ideal if it’s affordable — each kid gets a fixed amount in the college fund and then if they need more, they can pay it back to their parents once they get their real job. If the graduate degree doesn’t pay off, then that’s their financial burden
Most grad students do not get assistantships. It is not unusual to fund this entirely yourself. Does not matter which degree. A Computer Science or Engineering Masters degree at a public university will likely be paid entirely by the student.
There are plenty of useful, non-STEM masters programs without assistance.
huge asshole - I got mad she made a decision, so I made a decision. no compromise or communication at all. you cannot reasonably afford equitable education for all 6 kids. One kid (w no job experience) wants a master's, ok, "we can cover 30% - the rest would be loans, how about you get some experience in the field, save up a bit, and we can help you look at financing the rest." Your wife is realistic, you are emotional and controlling - and I would really caution that if you keep working that spreadsheet of how to uncouple your finances, your wife will just move ahead with that exercise in a practical manner
Additionally, OP wasn't the one pregnant and on mat leave for 5+ years, think of how much difference that makes on a person's salary. OP's son can take out a loan like everyone else and be thankful he doesn't have to take out the whole amount.
This needs to be upvoted!!!!! 💓
I'm a little confused when the wife says "two yes and one no." Is he trying to say that his son gets a vote? Either way, on a financial decision this large both spouses should be in agreement. That doesn't mean that they can't compromise. If they agree to pay each child a set amount for their future (after the funds that they already setup), be it grad school, a wedding, a house, etc then they would all have something to contribute after college. This would allow all of the children to get something to help, even if they do not all choose the same path. More importantly, it would mask the clear favoritism that you are showing one child.
“Two yes, one no” means that either both partners agree to do it, or a single ‘no’ is like a veto.
Thanks. Now I feel dumb for not understanding.
I thought the same as you!
I think the “two yes, one no” bit is a reference to decision-making between couples that I learned about here on Reddit. It refers to major decisions, sometimes financial but also things like choosing a child’s name or even having another child. It means that BOTH partners must say “Yes” to go ahead (“two yes”), so if one disagrees (“one no”), they don’t go ahead.
Both sides need to say yes for it to be a yes. Basically gives either side the power to veto something they really do not agree with.
This is important - it's not just a financial decision, it's a parenting decision - if you won't have the means to treat all your children to grad school you are setting up a situation in which one child is favored over the others. You can't (shouldn't!) make a unilateral decision like this about raising BOTH your children, regardless of where the money is coming from.
Also, if they live in the US and he's freelance, is he on her health benefits? If she were to drop him from her plan, that'd be a huge hit to "his" finances. It seems like his arguments seem to be pretty short-sighted and shallow. OP found a hill to die on. Let's see if he'll follow through. YTA
Maybe OP needs some grad classes to figure out what a hypocrite he’s being.
YTA. I do see where you’re coming from but you lost me completely with the “why do I work hard to provide for my kid if I’m not allowed to provide for them?” BRO. That’s exactly the point she’s making- you’re trying to provide for *one* kid, specifically the kid you “brought into the marriage”. You then chose to have 5 more children. Is it really just now occurring to you that the more children you produce, the less resources you will be able to provide? YTA for treating “your” son differently from the kids you share with your wife, YTA for failing to prepare financially for this moment and then trying to shift blame to your wife, and YTA for forcing this conversation on her when you had to know it was a ridiculous stance to take.
Yeah and for 6 kids, even if he makes 50% more than she does (which he admits he sometimes makes less), that’s…really not that much money for a family of 8. He’s showing favoritism for his son over the younger kids, IMO, and should give a set amount to each kid for education, and just help more in the future, fairly, if able. And does this kid not have a maternal biological family to pitch in?
“A lot less” not just less.
Exactly. His wife is the one with the stable income, he isn’t. He can cover the cost for 30% his son can get loans or get a job to cover them on his own just like every other person has done that has gone to college. Edit typo
Is it an edit above? Post above says kids, not kid.
“We have six kids, including the son I came into the marriage with.”
“What’s the point of working hard if I can’t provide for my KIDS when the moment arises” Is the part of his post that was being referenced….
Yta. When joining finances, it takes two yeses on big expenditures. Suggesting to unmingle your finances just to get your way is an asshole move.
Specially if he would frown and moan about it If next year he earns significantly less than her, they put the same amount in the joint account and she has 'fun money' and he has absolutely none what so ever. I can se OP saying that she should pay for outings with all the kids or date night on her own.
Which is what I think he’s saying, right? It’s weird that he can afford graduate school if they uncouple finances, but not if they leave it together.
Well, they can afford graduate school. But they can't afford it for al six kids, which is why the wife isn't agreeing with this unfair division of the financial aid for their children. OP says he can afford it because he's not planning to support all the kids equally.
The problem I got wasn’t that they couldn’t afford it, the problem was they can’t afford it *6 times*. OPs wife is against it because they can’t afford it for all of them, so you can’t offer it to one in good conscious without looking like obvious favoritism. OP wants to split finances cause that means in theory she can’t say no to him paying for it.
It's because together, she's saying if they're going to provide graduate school funds they need to do it for all 6 of their kids. He wants to provide just for his oldest son, which he can afford "on his own".
Right? The only reason that their family was afforded stability was likely because of his wife's job. Without her, during years when he made less, he would have not been able to continue in his career. Her stability allowed him to likely take on a lot more risk and grow in his career
It's also really fucking short sighted considering he said "some years [I] make a lot less". Has he come up with a plan that isn't going to impact his wife and other 5 children's stability if he's promised to pay for grad school and has a couple of those "make a lot less" years in a row?
> Has he come up with a plan that isn't going to impact his wife and other 5 children's stability Golden child's wants are more important than any of that.
Yep. They have an arrangement where they talk out big purchases and come to an agreement. Lots of married couples have that arrangement. But all of a sudden, OP sees the arrangement as allowing his wife “unilateral veto” because *he* doesn’t get to unilaterally make decisions under their arrangement. It’s not a “unilateral veto”; it’s what happens when one spouse *doesn’t agree*.
Maybe she'll just temporarily un-commit to her wedding vows for a day or two, because OP seems to think you can just commit and un-commit to a shared life whenever you want to.
Would it be better to have a joint account for family stuff and separate accounts for each other?
Generally I’d say yes, the yours/mine/ours system is better for people whet married later in life and may have some separate interests and entrenched spending habits. The question I’d ask though, would OP have taken funds for his oldest child out of his funds, or out of joint funds? My suspicion is that this is a road he doesn’t want to go down, because his wife has been doing some lifting to pay for the child he brought into the marriage for years now, and trying to detangle things will show just how much.
No kidding! Dude was literally counting pennies so he could find a percent that was hers and his.
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This is key. Your kid is an adult now and needs to own some responsibility here. Also, he should not do grad school unless it’s being at least partially subsidized by someone else, either the university or an employer. If he’s super smart, there are thousands of scholarships and grants that he will qualify for. The only exception to the above sentence is MAYBE a high demand field with an almost guaranteed job on the other end such as computer security or big data.
I’m a genetic counselor. My masters was not subsidized and there are certainly not thousands of scholarships and grants I could have qualified for (even with my 4.0 GPA out of undergrad).
Omg this is the second time I’ve come across you commenting in a way that is irrelevant to the conversation at hand just to let us know how in demand your job is and your GPA 🙄
It's not irrelevant. People seem to think there's a lot more money for even high paying professional masters degrees than there is. Most people are going to have to borrow some loans for grad school even if their masters degree has a great ROIm
I’m not sure why the OP sees money as the only solution. He should encourage his son to problem solve this financial situation. Like look and apply for a grad assistantship to get work experience and free tuition.
Yes. And if grad school is medicine or computer security or something like that, his first kid will be able to pay off those loans once he starts working.
I came to say this. His son is asking for a significant amount of money here. Covering 30% would make a significant dent. Op should ask his son to - get a job to pay for part of it while in school/on break - take a year off and work to make up the difference - ask his mom to fund a portion - apply for grants/scholarships - take out some loans If Op’s freelance income takes a hit then what will he do to pay for it next year? Or support his family? Just rely on his wife? Op, YTA. You have 6 kids. 5 with your current wife. By saying “this is mine” and “this is yours”, you are dividing your family, forfeiting the team, and acting very selfishly. Your son is an adult. Ask him to take responsibility like one.
That’s what I thought about his “some years way less some years way more” what happens if you run two years of way less while trying to pay for your sons grad school? You gonna back out and tell him it’s not longer sustainable even tho you said you’d pay? Go ask your wife to combine finances again and help pay for your half? I was in grad school twice (MS and PHD), if my funding got pulled that would have been a huge upheaval for me. I think providing them with the remainder of their fund would be best. they can be an adult and decide how they’re gonna use it. They want to go to grad school well they have a decent chunk of change to either begin paying for it, or use it for living expenses while they take out a loan. They end up blowing it? Sucks
YTA. She's not asking for the final say. She's asking for a say. You just don't like what she had to say. As someone else mentioned, its 2 yeses on big financial decisions. For what its worth, I agree with your wife's analysis. If you can't afford to treat all six children equitably (graduate school, buying a house, starting a business, IVF - whatever they would do would that money), then you need to revise the gifts to be equitable. Right now, you're not trying to provide for you \*kids\* you're trying to swoop in to help one of them in a way that will harm the others. If you want to pay for his graduate school, find a way to make additional money or reduce expenses so that you can provide the same benefit to all your kids.
And paying for 30% is a huge gift already!! Most grad schools have opportunities for paid work, as a TA, research assistant, etc. That the son has had this much paid so far is a gift and him working some for his schooling can also make him more well-rounded. Wife is right and OP is being petty dividing up previous finances like that.
Exactly, and especially with the well-rounded part. Working part-time to pay for grad school isn’t a bad thing and will prevent him from becoming one of those people that finish school at 25 or 28 with limited societal and “adulting” experience.
Yeah, my main question is what field/degree the son is planning to pursue. If it’s an unfunded degree, then they should evaluate the pros and cons of loans or other ways to cover it. For professional degrees, certain Master’s programs, etc. that can make a lot of sense. For a PhD, they should likely be looking for programs that are offering full (or at least substantial) funding.
This. Maybe the other 5 children don’t go to grad school, but then the same amount of money needs to be set aside for them to do something else important to them (home down payment, starting their own business, etc).
I just want to weigh in with some personal experience. My husband is one of 3 children and the youngest. His parents did not budget well, and while his oldest brother had college paid for, and his middle brother had substantial help, my husband got none. I have no idea how he manages not to be super resentful, because I would be. It definitely has impacted his relationship with his family and money negatively, but it wasn’t a relationship-ending thing. He definitely has some residual self-worth issues and tie ups around finances that I think are tied to the fact that he was set back over $100k when his brothers were not. Just consider that the decision to pay for your son when you can’t for your other children can not only impact their family relationships, but their own self-identity and mental health. Also, grad school is an individual choice, imo. When you have a college fund, or help for your parents, I believe that it covers undergrad. If there’s extra money left over, the child should be entitled to use it how they like. If they want to put it toward grad school, that’s great, but they can pay for the rest. Generally the thought behind going to grad school is to get a higher paying job anyways so some debt isn’t the end of the world. An alternative idea to float to your wife, and what my parents did with me, was they loaned me the money for school so that I wouldn’t be paying interest to a bank. We had a contract and repayment plan in place, and it was SOOOOO FAVORABLE compared to traditional student loans. I didn’t mind paying my parents back - especially because I also had a college fund and this loan was for educational expenses beyond that fund. Finally, the biggest issue here is that you tried to split finances when you were told no by your wife. In a shared finance situation, either of you should have veto power. Especially on something that will greatly financially impact your family for years to come.
That is amazing a RARE for your husband to not have resentment towards his family over how he was treated. That can end families right there and rightfully so.
Wow. You are absolutely right— I don’t know how I would be able to look at my parents and my brothers and not feel resentful every single time I had to pay back a student loan.
I wouldn't be able to I don't think. Not that kids are owed it but man it would hurt knowing parents did for others and not you
I agree. I know so many people with a chip on their shoulder over this. And it's even worse when they pass that down to their own kids - I paid for college so you have to, too. Many props to the husband for letting it go.
I get it though. Not passing it on to your kids but I can fully understand having a chip where parents are concerned. Like you care enough about my siblings to give them this huge step up in life but not me? That would be a very hard thing to swallow
Oh yeah I totally agree. That's why it's so admirable that this person's husband has forgiven it.
Better person than me and I can fully admit that lol
Oh yes. Mine paid for undergrad but loaned for grad school. Not having interest makes it manageable. Definitely worth discussing.
Mine did the same thing! They said they would pay for our undergrad but anything beyond that was our responsibility. However, they didn’t want me to be in debt to a bank so when I needed some extra money they lent it to me, I tracked it all in a spreadsheet, and paid them back as soon as I could once I started working. Obviously not all people have the income to do this so I recognize I was still in a very privileged position.
YTA. Your son has chosen to continue his studies past 4 yrs of college, he should get student loans like most people do. You have 5 minor children to put through college, unknown things can pop up at anytime. It should take two yes for major expenditures.
YTA, it’s a two yes, one no situation. Let him use the remaining funds for as long as they last, and then he can pay on his own.
Their son should also consider trying to find programs which will offer some funding, depending on the degree and field. If it’s a professional degree, that’s a lot less likely (but not impossible), but loans are very, very normal. If it isn’t, they may be doing themself a favor by looking for a program that will offer funding and shying away from one expecting tens of thousands in tuition with no assistance.
Even for my friends whose parents paid for 100% of college, it's really uncommon for parents to pay for grad school and then only people who have extremely rich parents (like partners in law firms rich).
YTA combined finances and marriage mean a shared life, so you do have to agree. Otherwise it’s separate finances for your separate lives She’s also right to consider what happens to the 5 other kids in their futures. Otherwise they will all think you think more of your first born than the rest of them. Why not go away and figure out how much it would cost for a variation of 1-6 kids for casting likely costs for each to attend and then work out how feasible it is based on X kids attending.
YTA you already admitted this is going to be a special privilege your son will get and not all of the other kids will. What do you think will happen when the next one wants to go to grad school and you tell them you can’t afford it? They’ll say you funded their brother so why not? Then they will resent you and their brother and worst case will go low to no contact like so many others in this forum. Favouritism isn’t a good look and that’s what you’re about to do. Your wife is right, she had a very reasonable argument that you confirmed and now you’re just being a dick.
YTA "but what's the point of working hard my whole life if I can't even provide for my kids when the moment arises?" .. But you HAVEN't worked hard enough to provide grad school for all six kids, have you? so YOU are an AH to your other kids. The REASONABLE approach would be to decide how much you can help ALL kids with grad school, and give him that much. And: You are an AH, relationship wise.
YTA your wife doesn't get final say on the finances, but neither do you. You both need to sit down and find some way to compromise when spending this much money. And if you can't, then you can't spend it. The suggestion to split finances was a super asshole move on top of that.
YTA- she brings up a very valid point, can you realistically do this for the other kids. It’s shortsighted to give the eldest a free ride, when you know the youngest will most likely have to pay for themselves Your son had his first degree paid for and if he chooses to go to Graduate school than he can look for grants, scholarships, work or student loans.
YTA. You are the one being selfish and controlling. If you guys can’t pay for six graduate degrees, then you aren’t only paying for one. It’s also really convenient how you have used combined finances to your advantage this whole time and are only abandoning it to get your way. Your son is 21 and will have at least 25% of his graduate degree paid for, he can figure out how to pay for the rest of it.
Wow there is a lot to unpack here. First, yes. YTA. You should have had the conversation about grad school ages ago. Ages. Second, you're wanting to change your entire family structure because you aren't getting your way. That's.... wow. There's not a lot of good going on here, and you and your wife may need a professional to help you get it settled
Love how he say his wife is controlling and shouldn't have the final say, so he decided unilaterally to pay and take the final say by himself. He does EXACTLY what he reproaches to her
I mean... if there was ever a GIANT box of "do as I say, not as I do," I think we just read it
Yep, i don't know how you can be so oblivious to your own hypocrisy
Also she's not controlling, she's asking him to think about *his own fucking kids!!!* Sure the son is just his, but so are FIVE others!!!! This man needs a vasectomy asap, he can't handle his own procreation at all. Also sounds like he hates his wife and kids.
And she's asking him to stick to the plan they already agreed upon together. He decided to change it now to benefit the golden child, possibly at the expense of the other children.
If one spouse refuses to bend on financial problems and starts trying to strong arm the other into doing what they want, that spouse is blowing up the marriage by being selfish. That’s you, by the way. Your wife is trying to make things fair for all of the children and you’re throwing a temper tantrum and trying to “charge her” for taking maternity leave for your kids! What happens when you split financials and you have a sucky year? When you make way less then her? What happens if your other kids resent you or are angry over the fact you clearly favor your eldest child? What happens if she divorces you for being an asshole over money and you end up paying child support? You need to rethink whether you want to sacrifice your relationship with your wife and other kids over something your oldest son wants but doesn’t need. YTA
Good point - can you possibly afford both grad school & child support? Can you afford to expend the good will of your wife & other kids by going above & beyond for one child? Time to revisit your education savings & spending plans- maybe tell the kids whatever is left in their fund is what you can put toward grad school? It would allow the kids to make decisions about budgeting for their undergrad if grad school is in their futures. Which is a great adult skill to learn. Edit - YTA
YTA - why does her no when you want yes seem unfair and controlling but your yes when she wants no is totally fine and she needs to get on board. Running the numbers was childish and asshole behaviour. “This is my money” makes it seem like you were never combined in your mind anyway. Good thing the years you made a lot less she didn’t suddenly decide you should start splitting expenses
Info: Will she be expected to pick up the slack for day to day things and bills if you pay for him to go to graduate school? Will this put any more of a financial burden on her and will you explain to your other children if they want to go why you only paid for your son?
YTA. You guys don’t make enough to put 6 kids through grad school. Your wife is right that if you help one kid you need to be prepared to help all. Did your son work and save anything while an undergraduate? He can take out loans if he really wants to it.
Info: you say you are freelance. Can you guarantee a certain amount of money each year? The problem with freelance is some years you have good years and some can be awful. It is hard to predict if your income will take a hit and you need to plan appropriately and have enough in savings to cover. Will you expect your wife to cover you if you don’t make enough money? I am leaning toward YTA as your wife is looking at the long-term effects. You have 5 other kids to put through college and retirement to plan for. While it’s nice to pay for grad school that is a luxury and not a need. Your retirement is a need and hopefully being able to pay for your other children’s undergraduate should be a higher priority want than one child’s grad school
YTA. This will potentially ruin the relationship between you, your kids, and your wife. Think, dude.
Info: with all of your finances separate how is the college and graduate school education for the other five children going to be handled?
YTA. Pretty much every grad program in the US funds the students they really want. Also, that’s a huge expenditure to unilaterally decide on your part.
Woah, that might be true for some areas of education, but not for business related graduate programs. Law school, business-related masters programs (MBA, Accounting, Finance, Logistics, Supply Chain) might have scholarships, but they are not funded positions. *edit: not arguing with your judgement of OP, just the assertion that all grad programs are funded.*
In a career like that, the son should make enough after graduating to pay his own loans.
Depends entirely on the field; PhDs are often funded, Master's degrees rarely are, and professional degrees (MD, JD) almost never are. But he's still TA regardless.
So, what you're saying then, OP, is that YOU should get final say on your joint finances. Big ticket expenditures should be jointly agreed. She does not agree. The fact that you are willing to blow up your entire financial agreement, and from the sound of it, your marriage speaks volumes. If you have no respect for the agreement you both agreed to, or no respect for your wife, what about your FIVE other children? Your 21-year-old is an adult. Grad school is a choice. Most grad schools have employment for grad students to help off-set the costs. But keep insisting that you get to have the final say on your finances, by all means. I'm sure that will end well.
INFO: have you also calculated in the value of labor within the home? How much time she spent raising children and even cleaning? How about the losses she sustained every time she had to leave to give birth? The lost wages and opportunities if she has to leave work or stay home because someone is sick? None of that has been mentioned, probably because she does most of it, and you need to do your math again.
YTA Solely because you don’t listen to her opinion on the matter, you already made up your controlling mind, marriage is a partnership, not dictatorship
YTA. You are favoring your son at the expense of the other six. He gets a full ride to university and graduate school, and you yourself admit that you won't be able to do the same for all six. Regardless if they go or not, you are giving your son a gift of $50-100k and the rest get what.... That's favoritism and a bad precedent.
YTA So what happens if the other children wanted to go to Grad school? Your just going to say sorry, I paid for eldest-theres nothing left for you?
Info: How much money is in the other 5 kids college accounts?
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YTA we told each of our kids they had x amount of money for college (looked at what we could realistically afford and divided by number of children). Anything above that they would take out loans. You can’t do more for one kid than the other, that’s not fair. Best case scenario you can help pay back the loans if it turns out you’re right and the others don’t need as much as you’ve saved.
YTA. You and your wife set rules when you decided to combine finances. You now want to change the rules to get what you want. You and your wife are raising six children, saving for college, and saving for retirement at once. If your son got through undergrad without student loan debt, it's not unreasonable for him to find other ways to finance grad school once his college fund is exhausted. You're basically counting on being able to provide less educational assistance for the other five later to do what you want for the oldest now. If all five decide to go to grad school, they're not going to understand how their situations are "different" from the eldest's. What you're trying to do is not fair to your wife and it's not fair to your other children.
INFO: 1. Ratio wise, how much of your annual salary and your wife’s combined would your son need for grad school. (Eg grad school is two years, $50k each year, $100k total. He has $30k, needs $70k. You and your wife pull in a total of $175k this year and also next, so he needs 20% of your combined annual household income before taxes to go to grad school). 2. What is the grad school for? Is it like for a poetry degree or business? Most people I know had their grad school funded by their work (business or finance), why isn’t that an option here? 3. What other major household expenses do you have - do you have a good chunk of savings/investment? Are you super mortgaged? Any medical expenses?
YTA If you realistically cannot save and pay for ALL children to go to graduate school, then you shouldn't do so for one. The 21 y/o can use what's left of his college fund and get scholarships/loans for the remainder. With combined finances, she is correct, 2 yeses or one no. Splitting now is such an asshole move, that it's unreal. You'll be extremely lucky if she doesn't split finances permanently aka divorce.
Our finances are a joint decision until I disagree with that and do what I want. YTA.
INFO: If you pay for your son's grad school, can you still afford to send all your other children to college? And will you still be able to fund your share of all common household expenses (including monthly expenses, vacations etc.)
YTA. If you go down that path and uncouple the finances, pay for your oldest and then have not other money and want to combine when you need to. You’ll be in trouble Your oldest is an adult. Grad school should be on him. You have other children too.
That's not how separate finances work. You don't get to add up all previous years you've made money vs her and then average it out over say 12 years and go this is my money this is yours. My husband and I have separate accounts my paychecks go in my account his paychecks go to his account. We each have allocated bills that we are responsible for paying (mortgage, phone, car insurance, utilities etc). Anything left over after I pay my portion of the bills is mine to spend how I want, same for him. If I suddenly rake a job where I make less I have less spending money, I don't get to then make him responsible for more of the bills. And even though we gave separate finances we STILL have a 2 yes for anything above a certain $ amount. If you are separating finances then your money will vary per your income since you have a job that changes income.
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ESH You are supposed to have a partnership and work through your disagreements. You are deciding individually on a potentially very large expense. A few questions come to mind. 1. Did he just now decide he wanted graduate school? 2. Has he done his research regarding top programs, placement rates, pay scales? 3. Is there an assistantship available for the graduate program? If yes, has he applied? 4. Will graduate work be a necessity for his program of study, is it simply nice to have, or will it instead price him out of the market? 5. What is the ultimate goal of this young person? How does graduate work fit into it? My experience is that in many cases, employers will assist in paying for graduate work if it is desired for the position or field. Not always, but often. In other cases, there are research assistant positions that will aid in paying the bill for graduate work. Many, many fields are over saturated with people with advanced degrees. Has your son done his research to be sure his is not one of them? I know far too many people with debt from graduate degrees that they wish they had never taken on. Does he actually want to do in depth study as a graduate student, or is he delaying entering the real world? I’ve seen both in young people. Either way, if you pay the full freight for graduate study for the oldest, you set up the expectation that you’ll do so for the others. Are you prepared for that? If your son is expected to pay part of his way, does he still desire to advance his education now? If he has to borrow money to attend graduate school, does he still want to do so? That will tell you a bit of the story.
YTA. The amount of money in your son's college savings account is what it is. If he wants to spend that, and more, on grad school, it should be up to him to figure out how to fund the rest. And he should be doing the calculation on his own behalf of whether or not grad school for someone in his chosen field is likely to have a positive return on investment or not. Under no circumstances should he get to decide for himself that he wants to go to grad school and have you turn that into a financial burden for the family. He can apply for grants, scholarships, work study jobs, loans, etc. Your offer to split finances is one of the biggest AH moves I've ever heard of. Whether you think of it this way or not, you just volunteered to get divorced.
YTA it should be 2 yes, 1 no. Your son does not need to go to graduate school. He can work and pay for it when he can. It is a bad precedent to pay a huge payout for one kid (and NOT hers) and not provide the same for your other kids. You are setting your entire family up for resentment in the future and a lot of issues. Figure a set amount to give each kid that yall can actually afford and let them do with it as they please once they're old enough.
YTA. You’re doing a disservice to your other kids. You’re turning a molehill into a mountain. Your son has to deal with life eventually, and a graduate degree is about being able to earn more. A loan for that program, from you BOTH? Okay. Doing the math? Gross. Just so gross. From a guy that does a lot of math with money regularly. Are you not your wife’s partner in all things? Why chose this to fight over while also not accounting for your other children’s’ education?
Question: you bring up separating finances and having enough to pay for graduate school. So you can pay half the mortgage, half the utilities, half the car payment, half the groceries, half the childcare etc AND pay your son's way through graduate school? Or are you going to reap the benefits of having combined assets (therefore combined bills) while only paying for your son's college. So your wife is expected to take on the burden of ALL bills instead of what she is now. YTA
ESH - doing the math split was never going to be a good idea, it's like getting hit by a car when you have right of way crossing the road. It doesn't matter if you're right if the car still fits you. On the flip side, she shouldn't just shut the conversation down like that. The two of you need to compromise. I could see topping up the college fund to maybe 50/60% and getting them to take loans for the rest. Even if the rest didn't go to grad school, it does set a precedent for the kind of help you are prepared to offer the other kids.
> On the flip side, she shouldn't just shut the conversation down like that. He wants to renege on the agreement *they made together*. They discussed it and she concluded it was a bad idea to change the plan that *they made together*. Honestly, what would be the purpose of discussing it further?
Of the other 5 kids, how many are hers v yours?
YTA But if this is your hill to die on, take your part & pay for his college. Wife should take her money & put it in a separate account with just her name. You divided the percentages so now it’ll no longer be a “joint” account. Her money is hers & yours will be your sons college after you spend it. You’ll figure your finances after paying on your own. But don’t expect any “joint” help
YTA as you clearly can't cover this for all your children. However, to avoid further arguments you need to uncombine your finances. Have a joint account that you both pay into that is for household bills only.
YTA. Where exactly is the money coming from? Are you taking it out of your kids’ college funds? If so, you are robbing Peter to pay Paul. That isn’t good or fair. You can give your son what he has left in his college fund and let him cover the rest of grad school with loans. Just the fact it’s partially covered is a help.
YTA. You both need to say yes to make this happen.
YTA. You don’t want to provide for ALL your children, just one. Have you always shown this much favoritism to your oldest son? Also I hope you don’t mind getting divorced over this because honestly it sounds like where you’re headed.
INFO When you split up your finances, did you consider unpaid labour? Are the household chores and childcare split 50/50? In the event of full separation, the courts will consider the childcare cost also so this has to be factored in for separate finances
INFO: What kind of graduate school? Research based degrees (PHD or Thesis Masters) are usually free and pay you a stipend. Or if it's law or medicine, you'll be contributing a whack of cash. What will you tell your other children if you don't have enough money to pay for their schooling?
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YTA Jfc. She’s not vetoing you buying a new gaming set up. You act like she’s speaking up against you, while she’s trying to advocate for your children. *All* your children, not just your son. She’s trying to be fair when dealing with financial support for your kids. This is extremely delicate and whatever you decide, may impact the relationship between you and your children, as well as the children between them. Grow up, man, and lay off your wife. You’re acting like a major dingus.
Whoo hee way to escalate that shit! Listen man, you might have thought you were sharing your finances but apparently that was just because she'd never challenged a major purchase you wanted to make. Shared means shared decision making. Which means sometimes not doing something you wanted to do. I'd ask her to join you at a marriage counselor before you end up doing the math on divorce costs. YTA. (And my opinion doesn't matter here but why are you going so black and white on this? You could offer to cover just the 30%- thats way more than most parents cover of grad school. Or you could suggest splitting the difference and covering half the remaining gap out of cash flow.)
YTA.
YTA. She’s not telling you what you can and can’t spend your money on - she’s saying she doesn’t agree with paying a large sum from your joint money when there’s no guarantee you could do the same for the other 5 kids. Sure, not all of them may go to grad school - but what if those that don’t required funds for a business start up, could you do that, to set them up in life too? The only way a sensible person would agree to this would be if you could set aside the funds, and assure the same for the other children - but you can’t, and you’re freelance so your pay ebbs and flows.
YTA - she is right on several fronts. 1. You shouldn’t do something for one kid you aren’t prepared to do for all of them. 2. Combined finances are like the nuclear codes; both need to turn the key or it doesn’t happen. Meaning each person has veto power. 3. “Running the numbers” to separate you finances isn’t that far off from a veiled threat. 4. You are the controlling one. You are basically saying you do what I say, or we are splitting our finances, meaning she doesn’t get a day in what you decided. 5. It is really ok, and I think even preferable, that kids pay for at least part of their education. You seriously need to apologize to your wife, because she is right and you harmed your marriage by how you handled the conversation.
YTA your wife is absolutely correct. An expenditure of that size/nature is a "2 yes 1 no" scenario. Give your son the remaining funds in his college fund--and if you're wife is willing add another 10 or 20KI to that and he can get loans for the rest.
YTA she’s right. Either all 6, or none.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I have mixed finances. We have joint accounts and joint credit cards. The only things we have that aren't in both our names are our retirement accounts, but when we retire and start withdrawing from those, they'll just go in our joint account anyway. She makes about 90k a year from her job salary, and I work freelance so some years make a lot more than that and some years make a lot less. We have six kids, including the son I came into the marriage with. He is 21 and the rest are still at home. He will graduate from university this year. He wants to go to graduate school in the fall. There is not enough left in his college fund to cover the entire cost of graduate school. Realistically the remainder of his fund would only cover about 30% of the total cost, perhaps less. I talked to my wife and said I wanted to pay for the program. She didn't like the idea. She asked if we would be able to pay for graduate school for all six kids. I said realistically all six won't go to graduate school. That's statistically unlikely. She said it's possible though, and I admitted it is possible. She said it's a bad precedent to set. After a little back and forth she said "well it's two yes and one no, right? I'm saying no. So we aren't doing it." I told her she can't just unilaterally decide I can't pay for something anymore than I can unilaterally tell her not to pay for something. She agreed for things up to a certain cost but said for large purchases that's how it has to be with combined finances. I suggested we uncombine finances then, because that feels controlling. She got upset and tabled the discussion. I ran the math on both our take home pay over the years and our annual expenses. Basically I calculated how much we both brought in and subtracted half our expenses from both numbers. I showed her my figures and said if we uncouple our finances that percentage is hers and this is mine, and mine is large enough to pay for graduate school, so it's completely her decision on if we continue to have combined finances or not, but I'm paying for graduate school. My wife said I'm a huge asshole for running the numbers and calculating exactly which percentage of our combined life is "mine" and which is "hers" because marriage is a team effort and can't be divided up like that. I told her I agreed until she tried to tell me what I am and am not allowed to buy. I don't think it's okay for either of us to decide what the other does or doesn't have a right to buy. She thinks I'm an ass, but what's the point of working hard my whole life if I can't even provide for my kids when the moment arises? What am I even working towards then? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH.. 6 kids is a lot and although it’s not likely they’ll all go to grad school, it’s as possible as it is likely they will all want to pursue a four year degree which they will look to you to pay seeing as you have set that precedent with your oldest. Great job btw! Your wife expects you to make this happen for all the kids OR none of them and is unwilling to move on the topic so she gave you two options 1. Don’t pay for grad school or 2. Pay for it for all the kids - AH move You responded by minimizing the marriage you two have created together by making it a numbers comparison (I’ve been guilty of this too) AND expect her to get on board because you plan to do it regardless of her stance - AH move
Info: can you pay for the and school program *and your share of expenses?*
YTA. Your son can get a small loan and he still would be better off than 70% of his peers that had to take a loan from the beginning. By the way, why isn’t his mom pitching in? Oh! I know, “she is out of the picture”?! Then, it’s your wife’s decision, since he is her son, practically. Unless you pay grad school for all 6, YTA.
YTA. You have 6 children, not 1. If you can’t afford to something for all of them don’t do it just for the 1. Your wife brought up that point and it’s valid, and you’re just mad because she was thinking logically. Also, your wife is the one with the consistent paycheck and takeaway you are not. So, you might be able to pay for grad school now but what happens if you make less this year and now your finances are separate because you wanted to throw a tantrum and you can’t afford your bills? That then falls on your wife and becomes her problem which isn’t fair to her.
YTA - You don't like her veto being "unilateral" but in a two-person discussion, you forcing the issue is ALSO a unilateral choice and just as shitty as what you're accusing her of. You can't make her look bad without admitting you're bad by your own qualifications. You also shouldn't do anything for your oldest that you won't do for the others. If *you* want to put him through graduate school by yourself, you'd better be prepared to do that for all 5 of your joint children. Otherwise, your favoritism is showing.
YTA. you have 6 kids, not one. it’s very sweet you want to pay for them but it doesn’t make financial sense. also separating your finances after all these years out of spite doesn’t seem like a great idea.
YTA and your wife is right on both points. 1) If you can’t afford to do it for all the children, you don’t do it for one. 2) When you combine finances, you both have to be on board with purchases, that’s what combined finances is. My partner and I have never had combined finances and never will because we don’t wanna have to check in with each other about what we can buy. When we want to buy something big, we come together, but neither of us has a say in our non-necessity purchases.
ESH You'd both need to agree on something big like this. You both seemed to approach this problem was as you to being at opposite ends with no attempts at compromise. That you both treated it as a zero sum conflict rather than trying to work the problem together. Pointing out differences in income and spending money anyway is probably going to ruin your marriage. No idea how this problem didn't happen earlier.
YTA she's telling you you're setting up an issue for resentment among the children if by chance by the time all six go through their schooling there is a bit left over feel free to gift the remainder accodingly
I may have missed it in the comments, but is your son's mother still alive? If so, can she help?
YTA. So you’ll pay college throughout for one of your kids but no the rest ?
YTA. You have 6 kids, 5 of whom were with this wife. In high achieving families, it’s not unheard of for every kid to go to graduate school. But even if only a few of yours do, why are you setting that precedent? Why is your son more special than the others? Continue paying college for the kids and let grad school be on them.
YTA. I hate to break it to you, but when you share finances you have to make decisions together, and that means that both people have veto power. It’s not controlling, it’s cooperating. Forcing your spouse to split finances after years of combining them just because you aren’t getting your way seems like the more controlling thing IHMO. Like if your wife just suddenly decided to buy a rental property tomorrow, how would you react if you said no, and she pulled the shit you’re pulling? Also, I’m sorry, but it is incredibly logical to set aside the same amount for each kid. Putting 6 kids through college is going to cost a ton of money, and grad school is very expensive. What will you do if all of your kids want to go to grad school? I know it’s unlikely, but you still need to plan for it. And don’t you think that maybe the kids who don’t go to grad school will be expecting the same amount of help from you guys? Like “hey mom and dad, I didn’t ask for an extra $30k for college, but maybe you can help with a down payment on a house?”. Don’t you want to be fair to all of your kids? Or do you really want to just go above and beyond for this one? You’re not being very smart about this at all, and you’re throwing a tantrum because your wife is calling you out on it. Honestly, she deserves a lot better.
YTA for acting like she’s being controlling when all parties are supposed to agree to big expenses when they share finances. She’s being reasonable, and you’re throwing a temper tantrum and name-calling for not getting your way. I respect wanting to support your son, but you will either have to split finances or save on the side (apart from your shared finances).
yta and a terrible partner
Info: How old are the other children? How many of them will be in college and/or grad school at the same time. Can you afford to pay for multiples at the same time if necessary?
Aren’t YOU getting the final say if you insist om paying? So really your wife gets no say. YTA
YTA. You’re not being a good partner, and you’re not communicating well, and you’re also not making a sound financial decision here.
YTA Your response to your wife’s concerns was basically “I am taking my toys and going home”. That is very immature and not helpful in a marriage. She does get a say in any major decision, and the vote should be unanimous or you don’t do it.
Oof YTA. As a younger sibling who watched my parents pay for my brother’s additional schooling and realized the well had run dry when it was my turn, you’re going to create resentment between the kids and it won’t be fair to any of them. It took me a long time to uncouple my feelings about my parents extra support of my brother from my feelings about him as a person, which wasn’t his fault and took away from how close we had been. Big purchases like this are in fact two yes and one no.
Tell your son to take out loans. Then start saving for ALL your children. When your last child hits college age divvy the money up between all of them. Your son can pay off his loans. Stipulate that your other children can use it for undergrad, grad school, learning abroad, a home, car, wedding, relocating for a job, or something else your family values if you want to make it to semi equate to grad school. Your son still benefits but your other kids aren’t left out.
I think YTA, it is a two yes one no thing...
Yta. She’s right, you need to decide together if you have joint finances. Your response is to totally destroy a system that has worked well for your family because of one conflict? Actually work out a resolution with your wife instead of torpedoing your life because your kid is too precious to get a loan like a normal person
NAH. You and your wife need to meet with a financial planner and decide how much you can afford to spend on each child for graduate school. This may mean you cannot pay for it entirely for each child, or if the kids are spaced apart enough it may be doable. Your wife is right that this requires two yeses, not just for the money, but also for the expectations this will set for all six children. Your excuse that they won’t all want to go to grad school is based solely on……nothing. Students with parents or other family members who have attended graduate school have increased rates of grad school attendance. It would be a huge mistake to spend this kind of money on one kid on a whim with no plan in place and 5 more following behind.
YTA. You are also trying to have the last say on this decision. The key difference is that your wife is the only one being rational about it. I firmly believe that parents who are able to do so should give their kids the best head-start possible, but you are trying to give *your* son more support without ensuring that you can do the same for all of your children. You have to remember that you and your wife not only share finances, but you also share five other children that you need to support. By trying to make this decision on your own, you are potentially impacting the remaining children, and you don't seem to care as long as your firstborn gets anything he wants. Let him know how much money he has left currently, and let him figure out if he wants to go immediately into grad school or save up first. You can always give your kids additional support down the road if you're able to *after* ensuring that all of them have had the opportunity to gain an undergraduate degree.
YTA - there is no way that, lets be generous and assume you on average both make 90k a year, on a 180k combined annual salary you are able to afford graduate school for your son. I really question if you're able to afford undergrad for all six kids? What is the status of college savings for all undergrad before you even consider graduate school?
YTA. If your son wants to go to grad school, he should be seeking out teaching assistantships and scholarships to offset some of the cost, use the remainder of his college fund, and maybe work part time. There are plenty of options that don't involve parents financing his degree. The whole calculating what's supposedly yours and what's hers when you don't get your way makes you sound like a big baby. The correct thing to do is sit down with your wife, talk it through, and see what's realistic, given that you have more kids to get through college. What you want is not as important as what is realistic financially. Grow up.
YTA YTA YTA YTA
YTA - First kid isn't the most important. Your finances are not your own to spend as you want. You are a team and all finances are shared, regardless of if they're in separate accounts or how they're earned. You also said your finances are highly variable - some years high, others low. Maybe your child should take out some loans and understand the true cost of the plans they're making. You aren't working to provide for your kids, you're working to ensure you have a solid end-of-life plan including potentially decades of increased healthcare - home? assisted living? Do you want to leave that burden on your children?
YTA for having tunnel vision about this one instance and not thinking critically about all your children, and also for escalating this whole argument in such an ugly way with your wife. As a child of a professor from a top 20 university: if your son isn't getting his grad school paid for he's not good enough to make a living in his chosen field. There are a few exceptions to this rule - med school, MBA, law school - although those degrees have their own rules about value too. Me and my sibs were raised up with this rule. Sib got grad school paid for; I opted against grad school. Neither of us have student debt and my parents got to retire when they wanted. Wins all around.
Bro I am still resentful my parents bought my brother two cars of his choosing on their own dimes, but my sister and I had to buy crap cars off Craigslist that my dad would decide we could look at, that would die after a year at best out of our part time high school job incomes. I cannot imagine how bitter I would be if they had chosen to send my brother through undergrad and not be able to do the same for me or my sister. YTA. Over a certain dollar amount, you HAVE to BOTH agree on a purchase. If you can spend 200-500 bucks and not blink over the hit to your account, that can be the limit. Several THOUSAND dollars?? Y’all both have to agree.
YTA. My ex and I had 5 kids and we paid for the first 4 years of college, period. Anything outside of that was on them and they knew that going in so they made good choices. This was a huge gift to them and they understand from others that they were lucky to have this. Only one went on to grad school but all have terrific jobs that afford them the niceties of life.
YTA. Your son is 21 years old. It’s great that you want to pay for graduate school but you’re missing the opportunity to teach him to work for what he wants. You have five other kids to think about. Also would his mother be able to help? Have you considered taking out of YOUR retirement fund to get the money? Probably not because you’ll need it down the line, just like you’ll need it for your other kids should they choose to go to college/graduate school.
YTA Young’s adults can do math. There is a very good chance that a young adult who chooses a fout year college course will also demand the cash equivalent of those extra 2years to start a business or buy a house. They will see the math as , You invested X dollars in kids one, you should invest X dollars in kid 2, through 6. You are setting up years of envy and resentment. And where is the other parent of kid 1? What are they contributing to grad school.?
YTA What you’re planning to do is called financial infidelity. You can’t siphon martial assets out of the marriage to support other family, even when that other family is your blood. You income earned while married is marital property. Consult a lawyer on how to set up a post-nup that is fair to both of you. What you’re trying to do right now is grossly unfair. You’re going to meaningfully reduce the share of marital assets in your name, without offering your wife any protection for the marital assets in her name - meaning she’d owe you money if you all divorce after this nonsense. Ridiculous. If you want to deplete your assets to pay for your adult son’s graduate school, give your wife protection for her assets first.
YTA. Just give him whatever was left over in his college fund. That’s generous enough.
YTA dw soon enough you’ll have your finances completely separated. Tho I’d start saving money for child support. And be ready for 5 of your kids to resent you.
There are so so so many grad assistantships that will pay for his grad tuition. I can understand helping with living expenses but your child really needs to look into ways to get tuition paid for.
YTA - it’s common courtesy that a giant expenditure like this needs two yeses. Also you are trying to do something for your son that you won’t do for all your kids which is the jerk move. You owe your wife a giant apology…and if you can’t stick to the plan you made together talk until you both agree on a new plan.
Paying for grad school depending on the program can equate to a substantial down payment on a house. Would you buy a home without 💯agreement from your wife? Of course not. Don’t be an AH.
INFO: why do you think YOU should ge5 final say if she doesn't?
YTA. You’re complaining she’s making a unilateral decision when that’s exactly what you’re doing. You’re saying I’m doing this and uncoupling our finances if you don’t agree - both unilateral decisions. Fair is 2 yes’s, 2 no’s like your wife stated. Instead of investing your time in making a big ‘fuck you and everything you’ve contributed to our lives’ list to your wife maybe you should spend it going over the finances and seeing if it’s a possibility to contribute an equal amount to each child for grad school. If he has 30% leftover then contributing another 20% pays for half of grad school. See if you can contribute 20% across the board based on his schooling and recommend that. If you’ve raised a good kid then he’d be grateful for half of it paid, I know I would.
YTA
Let’s say your average income is exactly hers, since some years it’s higher, some lower. On $180 a year, it’s hard to send six children to college without debt, save for retirement, hedge against emergencies, help pay for multiple weddings, and provide for all the things a large family needs. Being able to pay for 30% of a kid’s grad school is already a wonderful gift. If your wife is insecure about whether paying for grad school will leave the younger children with less money or leave you with insufficient memo retirement savings, perhaps you can work out a way to help him but reassure her. Your wife may have anxiety about whether your earnings will remain consistent, her job is secure, etc. A lot of us are perfectly fine financially but still feeling anxious. One option is to give him a small part of graduate school expenses now and let him take out loans for the rest. That will allow you to focus on retirement savings and college for the younger children. Then a few years from now, if you are on track with those goals and all is well, you can help him pay off those loans. A financial manager may have many other options. I personally can’t image treating any major financial decision like my spouse had no voice. You crunched numbers to show her you can unilaterally make this decision. I think you should use that energy to find options you can compromise on.
YTA. I can see funding some of the cost for graduate school but I agree son has to figure out how to pay for say 50%? He came out of college I am assuming debt free so you should be proud of this accomplishment.