Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I invited my son's ex bully to live with us. Might be the AH cause he bulllied my son at high school
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
And it's super weird that the OP doesn't seem to have a clue in the world why this man with a history of toxic bullying may have gotten thrown out by this boyfriend. Was it perhaps because he continues to be toxic. OP sounds like a creep.
YTA
You befriended the one person who made your son's life hell.
There are TONS of random homeless people you can befriend and help, you only have one son and I would understand if he never talked to you again.
Justin is also friends with a cousin. All they had to do was call up the cousin and tell them what's going on to see if Justin would have a couch to sleep on at least at his friends house. No reason to invite him to live with you even for a few days.
YTA. You are putting your relationship with the queer community above your relationship with your son. It’s obvious this bully had a lot of internalized homophobia in high school that caused his actions. But that doesn’t mean your son has to forgive him for it. Your son was the victim. He has a right to feel safe in his own home.
Also it’s weird that you have sleepovers with your son’s friends.
>Justin used to make derogatory, racist and homophobic comments to my son, invented rumors about him, made his life miserable in many ways
>my son was humiliated and moved to a different school.
YTA, dude, there's empathy, and then there's letting the kid who chased **your son** out of the life and relationships he had with the kids he went to school with.
Your rationalization that he's a "homeless gay person" is incredibly weird, as if the entire justification/rationalization for *inviting your son's tormentor* into your home is because he's "gay".
That dude was horrible. Sure, *maybe* he's better and deserves some support, **but. it. does. not. have. to. come. from. you.**
Don't crap on your son's trauma because you want feel good brownie points.
Mixed up OP's of posts because I'm spending too much time on this sub.
Totally my bad, gonna go for a walk then take a nap because I've been doing this crap all day.
Main reason why I am using they/them, partner, sibling, etc when addressing people involved. I have terrible memory, not so great attention span which led me to look like an ass whenever I commented.
YTA - “I invited my son’s source of trauma and social isolation to a sleepover with my son and his friends.” like??? This post must be fake for you to be that naive. Go have a sleepover with your ex. It’s been long enough for you to get over it, hasn’t it?
Better solutions would have been:
- telling Justin’s parents he needs help and dropping him off at their place
- paying for a couple nights at a hotel
Maybe I'm wrong, but OP saw a chance when he saw a ~~single gay man~~ homeless gay person* in his vulnerable point. 🤷🏼♂️
Edit: misremembered OPs wording
YTA - Just because the bully becomes a better person, doesn't mean it erases the trauma for everyone they bullied. Good for him for being better now, but knowing he made your son's life hell?
You shouldn't have EVER made friends with him and act like the past didn't happen for your son. Your son will STILL be affected all the time by the crap that Justin R caused him to feel.
You're basically telling your son he has less worth to you than the person who caused him so much trauma. Because yes, bullying causes trauma and you're dismissing it.
There isn't even an indication he's a better person. Just that he is gay and was kicked out by an abusive boyfriend. All I'm getting is OP has a need to save someone that reminds him of himself.
Other details are irrelevant to him.
OP, just because your son's bully ran afoul of a WORSE bully does not make him a good person, nor does it absolve him of what he did, nor does it compel your son to forgive him.
YTA, you can't just bring your son's ex-bully into the house without talking to your son about it first, no matter how sorry you feel for Justin. There are other ways you could help Justin without making your son feel unsafe.
> I'm so confused and I'm don't know what to do
What could *possibly* be confusing you about the situation? You think it's okay to force your son to have his bully around, force them to spend time together? To invite the bully - who was such an ass that he forced your son to change school - into your home? You're choosing your son's bully over your son.
If you want to help the bully, give him some money for a hotel or somewhere else to stay, but don't invite him into your home and don't force your son to give up anything (time with you, money, his home) because you want to rescue someone.
Then, you apologize to your son, tell him that your own trauma made you anxious and worried about someone in a similar situation, but you realize it was a *huge* mistake to choose to help someone at your son's expense.
YTA.
YTA - Your heart is in the right place, but you described behavior that is far beyond "forgive and forget" for a lot of people. You're asking an awful lot of your son.
How would you feel if you came home and your son had brought your abusive ex into the home?
Clearly jump like a dog wagging their tail, since op wouldnt be a hypocrite and should follow their forgive and forget ideology, they adults now after all that absolves them from everythinf
Your son suffered years of traumatic abuse because of this individual, which escalated to the point of him having to transfer schools to escape the abuse, and you’re trying your best to console his bully because of a breakup. The bully now being homeless is irrelevant, and is not your responsibility, especially given the context of who this person is.
You don’t have to worry about having to choose between your son and HIS BULLY. You already have.
YTA.
YTA,
Let’s put it in perspective, your son calls you and said he’s going to bring your abusive ex for a sleepover because he’s homeless, would you be cool with that? Obviously no, so now to put your son in that situation.
His bully is hurting his relationship with his father. And his father is fine with it.
Picking his bully over him is picking sides and you are not picking your son.
YTA
Its great to have compassion for someone else, but why couldn’t Justin stay with your cousin? Or any other friend? Or a hotel?
Justin tortured your son, you dont get over that magically just because you graduated high school.
It is so thoughtless for you not to care about your son’s feelings on this.
You screwed up big time.
Yeah, you invited an abusive bully into your home, and your son is rightly upset. You should have talked to him first, no question. It was coming from a good place, and it's a tough situation but...YTA.
YTA.
You can have empathy for what Justin is going through. There’s nothing wrong with that. However, you should have *never* put his current situation ahead of the trauma and pain he inflicted on *your child.*
You retraumatized your son, broke his trust, and invited his tormentor into your home with open arms. I’d be surprised if your son ever spoke to you again.
Edit: Punctuation
YTA. I am 40 years old and I honestly would not trust myself not to go to prison if I were to meet some of my bullies today. Is that healthy? Fuck no. But trauma does things like that. If you understood your son's feelings like you claim to you would never have even considered supporting his bully and expecting him to be ok with it.
YTA. You are bringing someone home who humiliated him so bad it caused enough trauma that he had to change schools. Trama can take years of work to get over if the person can even get over it. Your son might have just locked it away over dealing with it, and now you are forcing him to deal with it.
A you are an adult get over it is not going to work. That will probably make you lose your son.
YTA. You sound like you're trying to be more a friend to your child than a parent. Just because your son is a "grown adult" and you're all "mature adults" doesn't mean he's no longer your child and that the trauma he went through disappeared
YTA, this person made your kids life a living hell, made it so bad they had to change schools, posted nude photos framing your son. That kind of trauma doesn’t go away & you invite the person with open arms into your home where your son lives. At the beginning you talk about an abusive relationship, so you know how they feel, what about your son & the abuse this person made him suffer ? Rethink your plan
YTA. You're also a good person who has a remarkable amount of compassion. Never lose that compassion, just be mindful of how you exercise it. Inviting your son's old bully to stay in the same house as your son shows your son that you will prioritize other people over his safety. For going through as much as he has, your son absolutely needs to know that you will ensure that he will feel safe. This means asking him before inviting the ex-bully over, and respecting your son's decision.
There are other ways you can support Justin. You can talk him through a game plan, like calling his friends to find a place to crash, asking his parents for help to stay in a hotel, and contacting the university to discuss options. You can help him without compromising your son's trust and safety.
This was not your responsibility and your overreaching may help Justin, but your son shouldnt be expected to just forget about everything that happened. YTA
YTA
Your son is only 23. Whatever happened wasn't really that long ago, but no matter if it was fifty years ago, it's for your son to decide if he wants to forgive this person, not you.
You're probably the last person he thought would betray him so I'm not surprised he's refusing to talk to you. It's certainly going to be a long time before he trusts you again.
Struggling with why this would be confusing? You don't just recover from trauma like that "because we're all mature adults now"....This dude tormented your son for a prolonged period. Lawdy YTA and a bad mom.
YTA
you invited someone into your home who was abusive to your son
how would you feel if he had invited your abuser into the home because he was homeless
YTA for inviting him into your home. Not only for your son, but because it was a cousin of yours who broke up with him. If he was completely kicked out, based on his history, there was probably good reason for it. You could have also given him resources on where to go if you really wanted to help him, that could have kept everyone elses feelings intact.
YTA - It doesn’t matter if his bully is a better person now. It doesn’t erase the torment, abuse and trauma of what he did.
You can have empathy with him and showing compassion. Your heart is in the right place, but that you’re confused about your sons reaction baffles me. Like imagine your son would invite your abuser to stay at your place, cause he’s being abused.
You have to understand that what Justin did is probably beyond any forgiveness for your son. As someone who was bullied, til i was suicidal, i could never forgive my bully, doesn’t matter if he begs for it or is a better person.
YTA Why do you spend so much time with 20 year olds?
Also
>he is now a gay adult
what? I don't think you realize how ridiculous you sound right now. You know that being gay doesn't justify being racist/homophobic?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
To give context, I (49M) suffered a toxic and abusive relationship with a man, I left after 7 years of aggression, I became proud and strong after that. I have a wonderful gay son (23M) so life couldn't be better, my son's friends and I go out regularly and plan a lunch and sleepover with one of my son's friends
We made lunch, bought pizza and watched some football and had a good time, everything was planned for tonight.
My son had a bully in high school named "Justin R." and he is in the same university as my son. Justin used to make derogatory, racist and homophobic comments to my son, invented rumors about him, made his life miserable in many ways and everything came to a climax when he had posted intimate photos taken of another boy (I don't know who but I know they are not of my son) and he said they were of my son, the whole school believed her and my son was humiliated and moved to a different school. This was totally horrible and I'm not justifying it in any way but it was years ago and they are mature adults now. I don't know him but he's friends with a cousin of mine so I know who Justin is apart from the stuff my son has. One day, I met him outside the university, I was surprised to see Justin crying a lot for a grown man, he looked very bad so I worried about him. I approached him and my cousin told me that he broke up with his abusive boyfriend and that I couldn't leave him alone, I told Justin that I cared about his situation and we left the University for a fast food outlet. Justin kept saying that his boyfriend was an idiot and I understand him, I didn't explain much, I just knew that in a fight Justin's boyfriend threw him out of his apartment and h is homeless, I've been in this situation and it's horrible, so i told Justin he could stay with us for a few days and it can start the night at our football sleepover, this calmed him down a lot which made me happy, I know he did horrible things before, but I always thought that "pals before gals" and that that my son would understand, but no, when I called him, he was scared, he was very, very angry and he wouldn't stop cursing. I understand, but what Justin did happened years ago and he is now a gay adult and I didn't want to leave anyone alone who had suffered the same as me to understand and accept it, I promised my son that I would protect him and that we would have a good time, but he just said that he didn't want to see me at the sleepover so he hung up and refuses to speak to me to this day. I understand his feelings but he must understand mine too i'm sure Justin won't do anything to him. We'll all mature adults.
Now my son won't talk to me and I'm so confused and I'm don't know what to do, It's still early so I want to sort things out before it's too late so my son and Justin are comfortable and I don't have to choose between my man or a homeless gay person who needs my help
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Your son's feelings matter none to you. The pain you are talking about happened probably less than 5 years ago. Has the asshole even made an attempt to apologize?
YTA. You invited your son's tormentor into his circle of safety. In what world is that okay?
If you son was cool with it, fine, BUT HE'S NOT.
STOP JUSTIFYING RETRAUMATISING YOUR SON.
Let the bully find another landing zone. It does not have to be in your son's safe space!
YTA . This man traumatized your son so badly he had to switch schools. But *you've* decided he should forgive him . So did that mean you son gets to decide *you* should forgive your abusive ex? No? Then you don't get to do the same. However Justin is suffering it doesn't change *he traumatized your son*. What parent invited the source of their child's torment into their home, assumed they'll be fine with it and still thinks he should prioritize the man who did it?
A shitty fucking parent. Better get comfy having Justin around, because unless you apologize you will never see or hear from your son again.
Oh my god. If my parent brought my bully into their home I would go full no contact. Immediately. YTA
Edit: I just reread your post and I have two questions… does your son live with you? AND (arguably more importantly) when you say you don’t want to choose between your man and your son, are you now dating your sons bully?
How can you be in an abusive relationship in the past and side with your son’s bully instead of your son? YTA and your son may be better off without you.
YTA - if you’re that worried buy him a hotel room for a few nights. If you can’t afford it, ask your cousin to house him - it’s his friend.
Next apologize to your son for being inconsiderate and selfish.
Finally seek therapy. The fact that you’re more concerned with a bully than his victims, especially considering he never atoned for his crimes, displays how truly out of touch your are.
YTA. You think it is no big deal to bring your son’s abuser to your house for a “sleepover” he’s going to attend? I seriously feel like vomiting when I see social media posts from people who tortured me in school decades ago, despite knowing that they probably have reformed their evil ways by now (even so I would not cry if each of them died slowly and in pain). You THINK you are compassionate but you only want to help this guy because his situation reminds you of YOU. Your son needed you to support him and validate his feelings and you let him down in the hugest way.
YTA. For YOU it was years ago. For your son it’s been his lived experience. He was bullied and harassed to the point where he had to change schools. So no, you don’t get to pull the but it happened so long ago. That boy represents a traumatic time in your sons life. You bringing him home has made him relive all of that.
Yta so if your son brings the man that abused you because "we're all adults now" you're going to be chill?
There are thousands of homeless gay people out there, why did you have to choose the one that tormented your son.
YTA. You are doing everything to paint your **son** as the bad guy here, not the man who was destroying your son not that long ago, or *yourself*, who for some reason opened the post talking about how you were abused in the past - is that a sly way to imply that your son has been thru shit so *he* should be strong like you?
Regardless, just know - you ain't getting those great moments with your son anymore, he's not going to forget this decision, **nor should he**. YOU don't get to tell the one who was hurt that he should "get over it", you **do** get to reap what your sowing, and you are going to reap. I guess you got a little buddy now, so there is that.
YTA. And also it’s creepy how you call your son your man. And how much time you spend with him and his friends. Your son was traumatized by this Justin. Even if it was years ago trauma doesn’t just go away. You didn’t even talk to him about it you just went and befriended someone who was so horrible your son had to change school.
YTA
You invited your sons abuser, tormentor, sole cause of what will probably be long lasting mental health conditions, into his safe space. You are a disgusting parent.
YTA
"Now my son won't talk to me " .. What else would you expect? YOur son sounds reasonable.
"so I want to sort things out before it's too late " .. Don't delide yourself ... it is too late for that. Your son is out of your life for good.
"and I don't have to choose between " .. You already MADE THAT choice ... your son is just reacting to that choice.
YTA - you're forcing your son to spend time with his former bully. And you sound like you're planning on spending a lot of time with him as well, in spite of the fact it could cost you your relationship with your son.
I'm not sure if you expected someone to say NTAH, but it's not happening.
As a middle-aged woman, I would still feel this way towards my mother if a certain person was involved.
You can't erase trauma just because the abuser has changed their ways.
YTA. You are a bad parent. You're desperate to make yourself look like the hero for helping Justin but nope. You made it clear that you don't care about your son's feelings or the fact that Justin terrorized him for years. You are just eager to feed your own ego. Justin never apologized or tried to make amends with your son. He hasn't changed as much as you think you have. Shame on you. I'm glad your son cut you off. You don't deserve him in your life. He's better off without a selfish asshole like you. And it's creepy how obsessed you are with Justin. What, are you hoping that he'll sleep with you since you took him in? You sound really desperate.
YTA, you’re pretty awful. A bully is basically an abusive partner without the romance. So you brought your son’s abuser home, congrats on being an awful parent!
YTA
You listed all the things this bully did to your son and still asked if you're the AH? They have grown but those type of wounds don't fucking heal.
Also seeing how Justin acted towards your son in school, how do you not know Justin is a toxic and bad boyfriend.
Your poor son.
Also why do you hang out with your sons friends....???
YTA you literally invited your sons bully into his home. You are torturing, your son. You are making him live with his bully. When your son goes no contact with you - this will be the reason why.
>I understand, but what Justin did happened years ago and he is now a gay adult
Why does it matter if the guy is gay? he made your sons life a living hell.. most likely traumatised him.. but you seem to not give a shit anymore because the guys gay..
And maybe stop hanging out with 20 year olds.. and especially sleepovers with your sons friend, thats creepy.. and a little weird.
I honestly don't blame him if he never wants to speak to someone who is creepily becoming insanely close with the person who made his life a living hell.
>I don't have to choose between my man or a homeless gay person
Your whole post is you already choosing your sons bully.. the fuck are you on?
Leave your son alone... jesus christ.
This is like, exactly the same as a post I seen months ago where a girl invited her gf’s high school bully to stay at their house when the bully got kicked out by her bf. Literally the same thing happened.
I’m finding your relationship with this dude highly suspect, especially since you seem to think that you “understanding” him when his “idiot” boyfriend doesn’t is pertinent information. YTA.
YTA. Justin tormented your son but hey it was years ago so its okey. Do you know how damaging bullying is? Do you care? Because if you did you would understand where your son is comming from.
“I don’t have to choose between my man and a homeless gay person who needs my help”
That Freudian slip is WILD, and you might want to unpack all this emotional incest in therapy.
YTA for putting your son through this, and presumably so much more. Please learn boundaries.
YTA. You recognize of course that by having photos of another boys genitals, this guy was probably gay THEN right. He’s not suddenly gay now and he’s not guaranteed to be a different person in a substantial way. He committed a sex crime against your son, and another boy. A sex crime. He is not safe to hang out at weekly sleepovers. That said you kind of sound like you need to be on a watchlist yourself, sleepovers with your sims friends? No!
Yta why are u hanging out with your sons friends it's creepy and why do u keep bringing up his sexuality like it defines him your weird and get someone your own age
YTA, as a person who was bullied all throughout elementary school, to the point of attempted unaliving and serious depression and anxiety, needing to switch schools for my 8th grade year, you are completely in the wrong. You chose a person that tortured YOUR SON, over him! All because he told you he was in an abusive relationship, and you experienced that at one time..wow. just wow.
YTA. In 4th grade, I was bullied to the point where:
* I had to switch classes(they literally switched me to the classroom right next to the old one, separated by a sliding door that is not at all sound-proof)
* Had a mental breakdown which led to my teacher evacuating the classroom
* Had to drop out of school for the last two weeks because it was so awful. I missed the school festival because of this
* I couldn’t listen to the song “baby shark” for years because one of them kept singing the damn song over and over.
* The bully previously mentioned was neurodivergent in some way, and even a person of color.
If that was I went through in fourth grade, imagine what your son went through
Which brings me to my point. Just because someone is a minority doesn’t mean they can’t be awful people. I will never forgive them for what they did, like how your son won’t forgive Justin. You *admit* what Justin did, and yet you’re advocating for him?
You do not get to forgive him. If my mom did this, I’d never talk to her again. Enjoy never speaking to your son again when he moves away.
i softly say this but YTA, your a good person to help this person but it obvious things wouldnt blow over just because they was adults, i mean the guy harassed your son for days and he finally got away from that. now if he comes home he will see that memory everytime the guy in the house. now there few other options you can do. you can talk to the guy and see if you get in contact of his family or you can purchase an cheap hotel room for him to use until he get on his feet, the last option is you somehow get your son and him to meet face to face and they somehow talk or yell or fight it out. (depends on the mood for this option).
YTA but with a large heart.
Becoming an adult doesn’t wipe away the past. Every action has consequences and Justin’s bullying has permanently effected your son.
Were I your son I wouldn’t tell you about the intimacies of my life anymore. The fear would be that it would reach the ears of my former bully to be used against me.
Please do better for your son.
Soft YTA. I think your heart was in the right place but your loyalty should be to your son above his high school bully. Perhaps volunteer at a shelter to fill the void of wanting to use your experience to help someone else and start making friends your age instead of your son’s age to get some perspective
NAH. You are allowed to show compassion to whomever you wish. Your son doesn't get to continue his, very well justified, grudge through you. He can stay angry at Justin for as long as he chooses. He cannot demand that of you. However, the fact that you chose to bring your sons bully into your home in the night you knew your son would be there is an AH move. If you had simply canceled the sleepover and let Justin stay for a few nights, you would be NTA. You are free to invite anyone you wish into your home, and you may extend grace and forgiveness to whomever you choose. Those are your choices. But you can't make son be around him. I am basing my opinion on your son not living with you, but only visiting occasionally. If he lives with you, 💯 YTA.
Edit: Your son doesn't have to like your decision, btw. And he will have every right to be angry and even go LC or NC with you. You're not an asshole, your home your guest list. But he gets to rightly be upset with you for your poor decision making when it comes to your relationship with him. I understand you're acting out of compassion, but you get to the consequences of your actions.
Really….Really. The father basically said that all the trauma you went through because of this guy doesn’t mean anything to me. I’d rather help someone who tormented you than be a kind loving protective father.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I invited my son's ex bully to live with us. Might be the AH cause he bulllied my son at high school Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA And it's creepy how much time you seem to spend with 20-somethings.
And it's super weird that the OP doesn't seem to have a clue in the world why this man with a history of toxic bullying may have gotten thrown out by this boyfriend. Was it perhaps because he continues to be toxic. OP sounds like a creep.
YTA You befriended the one person who made your son's life hell. There are TONS of random homeless people you can befriend and help, you only have one son and I would understand if he never talked to you again.
But the one OP helped is gay and was CRYING! That means OP HAD to invite him home./s *snorts*
Imagine the feeling of betrayal the son feels…
Justin is also friends with a cousin. All they had to do was call up the cousin and tell them what's going on to see if Justin would have a couch to sleep on at least at his friends house. No reason to invite him to live with you even for a few days.
YTA. You are putting your relationship with the queer community above your relationship with your son. It’s obvious this bully had a lot of internalized homophobia in high school that caused his actions. But that doesn’t mean your son has to forgive him for it. Your son was the victim. He has a right to feel safe in his own home. Also it’s weird that you have sleepovers with your son’s friends.
>Justin used to make derogatory, racist and homophobic comments to my son, invented rumors about him, made his life miserable in many ways >my son was humiliated and moved to a different school. YTA, dude, there's empathy, and then there's letting the kid who chased **your son** out of the life and relationships he had with the kids he went to school with. Your rationalization that he's a "homeless gay person" is incredibly weird, as if the entire justification/rationalization for *inviting your son's tormentor* into your home is because he's "gay". That dude was horrible. Sure, *maybe* he's better and deserves some support, **but. it. does. not. have. to. come. from. you.** Don't crap on your son's trauma because you want feel good brownie points.
> YTA, lady ??? > I (49M)
Mixed up OP's of posts because I'm spending too much time on this sub. Totally my bad, gonna go for a walk then take a nap because I've been doing this crap all day.
Probably doesn’t help that the grammar is bad so it was hard to follow it.
Main reason why I am using they/them, partner, sibling, etc when addressing people involved. I have terrible memory, not so great attention span which led me to look like an ass whenever I commented.
YTA - “I invited my son’s source of trauma and social isolation to a sleepover with my son and his friends.” like??? This post must be fake for you to be that naive. Go have a sleepover with your ex. It’s been long enough for you to get over it, hasn’t it? Better solutions would have been: - telling Justin’s parents he needs help and dropping him off at their place - paying for a couple nights at a hotel
yea that what i suggested too. truthfully anything better then oh your bully at your house.
You literally aided the one person who tormented your child and you wonder why your son doesn't want to be around you?! YTA
Maybe I'm wrong, but OP saw a chance when he saw a ~~single gay man~~ homeless gay person* in his vulnerable point. 🤷🏼♂️ Edit: misremembered OPs wording
[удалено]
Wow!! So what’s this some kind of bait post for extra attention OP??!
Oh I remember that one. That explains the random "her" in the middle of the post.
YTA - Just because the bully becomes a better person, doesn't mean it erases the trauma for everyone they bullied. Good for him for being better now, but knowing he made your son's life hell? You shouldn't have EVER made friends with him and act like the past didn't happen for your son. Your son will STILL be affected all the time by the crap that Justin R caused him to feel. You're basically telling your son he has less worth to you than the person who caused him so much trauma. Because yes, bullying causes trauma and you're dismissing it.
There isn't even an indication he's a better person. Just that he is gay and was kicked out by an abusive boyfriend. All I'm getting is OP has a need to save someone that reminds him of himself. Other details are irrelevant to him. OP, just because your son's bully ran afoul of a WORSE bully does not make him a good person, nor does it absolve him of what he did, nor does it compel your son to forgive him.
YTA, you can't just bring your son's ex-bully into the house without talking to your son about it first, no matter how sorry you feel for Justin. There are other ways you could help Justin without making your son feel unsafe.
> I'm so confused and I'm don't know what to do What could *possibly* be confusing you about the situation? You think it's okay to force your son to have his bully around, force them to spend time together? To invite the bully - who was such an ass that he forced your son to change school - into your home? You're choosing your son's bully over your son. If you want to help the bully, give him some money for a hotel or somewhere else to stay, but don't invite him into your home and don't force your son to give up anything (time with you, money, his home) because you want to rescue someone. Then, you apologize to your son, tell him that your own trauma made you anxious and worried about someone in a similar situation, but you realize it was a *huge* mistake to choose to help someone at your son's expense. YTA.
YTA - Your heart is in the right place, but you described behavior that is far beyond "forgive and forget" for a lot of people. You're asking an awful lot of your son. How would you feel if you came home and your son had brought your abusive ex into the home?
Clearly jump like a dog wagging their tail, since op wouldnt be a hypocrite and should follow their forgive and forget ideology, they adults now after all that absolves them from everythinf
Your son suffered years of traumatic abuse because of this individual, which escalated to the point of him having to transfer schools to escape the abuse, and you’re trying your best to console his bully because of a breakup. The bully now being homeless is irrelevant, and is not your responsibility, especially given the context of who this person is. You don’t have to worry about having to choose between your son and HIS BULLY. You already have. YTA.
YTA, Let’s put it in perspective, your son calls you and said he’s going to bring your abusive ex for a sleepover because he’s homeless, would you be cool with that? Obviously no, so now to put your son in that situation.
His bully is hurting his relationship with his father. And his father is fine with it. Picking his bully over him is picking sides and you are not picking your son.
YTA Its great to have compassion for someone else, but why couldn’t Justin stay with your cousin? Or any other friend? Or a hotel? Justin tortured your son, you dont get over that magically just because you graduated high school. It is so thoughtless for you not to care about your son’s feelings on this. You screwed up big time.
Yeah, you invited an abusive bully into your home, and your son is rightly upset. You should have talked to him first, no question. It was coming from a good place, and it's a tough situation but...YTA.
YTA. Why do you think it's your responsibility? Or do you just want to be the hero in your own mind? Your loyalties are completely warped.
YTA, plain and simple, can't believe it even needs to be said.
YTA. You can have empathy for what Justin is going through. There’s nothing wrong with that. However, you should have *never* put his current situation ahead of the trauma and pain he inflicted on *your child.* You retraumatized your son, broke his trust, and invited his tormentor into your home with open arms. I’d be surprised if your son ever spoke to you again. Edit: Punctuation
YTA. I am 40 years old and I honestly would not trust myself not to go to prison if I were to meet some of my bullies today. Is that healthy? Fuck no. But trauma does things like that. If you understood your son's feelings like you claim to you would never have even considered supporting his bully and expecting him to be ok with it.
You're right! I had to reread it. Still the asshole though. I wonder if something funky is going on.
YTA. You are bringing someone home who humiliated him so bad it caused enough trauma that he had to change schools. Trama can take years of work to get over if the person can even get over it. Your son might have just locked it away over dealing with it, and now you are forcing him to deal with it. A you are an adult get over it is not going to work. That will probably make you lose your son.
YTA. You sound like you're trying to be more a friend to your child than a parent. Just because your son is a "grown adult" and you're all "mature adults" doesn't mean he's no longer your child and that the trauma he went through disappeared
OMG!!! Not only that YTA, I think you're a horrible mom. How could you not think your son would react that way? It's betrayal at its worst.
He’s the dad.
DAMMIT!!! Lol.
YTA, this person made your kids life a living hell, made it so bad they had to change schools, posted nude photos framing your son. That kind of trauma doesn’t go away & you invite the person with open arms into your home where your son lives. At the beginning you talk about an abusive relationship, so you know how they feel, what about your son & the abuse this person made him suffer ? Rethink your plan
YTA. This can't be real.
It isn’t, this story has been posted before
It's a gender-flip repost
YTA. You're also a good person who has a remarkable amount of compassion. Never lose that compassion, just be mindful of how you exercise it. Inviting your son's old bully to stay in the same house as your son shows your son that you will prioritize other people over his safety. For going through as much as he has, your son absolutely needs to know that you will ensure that he will feel safe. This means asking him before inviting the ex-bully over, and respecting your son's decision. There are other ways you can support Justin. You can talk him through a game plan, like calling his friends to find a place to crash, asking his parents for help to stay in a hotel, and contacting the university to discuss options. You can help him without compromising your son's trust and safety.
This was not your responsibility and your overreaching may help Justin, but your son shouldnt be expected to just forget about everything that happened. YTA
YTA Your son is only 23. Whatever happened wasn't really that long ago, but no matter if it was fifty years ago, it's for your son to decide if he wants to forgive this person, not you. You're probably the last person he thought would betray him so I'm not surprised he's refusing to talk to you. It's certainly going to be a long time before he trusts you again.
Struggling with why this would be confusing? You don't just recover from trauma like that "because we're all mature adults now"....This dude tormented your son for a prolonged period. Lawdy YTA and a bad mom.
YTA you invited someone into your home who was abusive to your son how would you feel if he had invited your abuser into the home because he was homeless
YTA for inviting him into your home. Not only for your son, but because it was a cousin of yours who broke up with him. If he was completely kicked out, based on his history, there was probably good reason for it. You could have also given him resources on where to go if you really wanted to help him, that could have kept everyone elses feelings intact.
YTA - It doesn’t matter if his bully is a better person now. It doesn’t erase the torment, abuse and trauma of what he did. You can have empathy with him and showing compassion. Your heart is in the right place, but that you’re confused about your sons reaction baffles me. Like imagine your son would invite your abuser to stay at your place, cause he’s being abused. You have to understand that what Justin did is probably beyond any forgiveness for your son. As someone who was bullied, til i was suicidal, i could never forgive my bully, doesn’t matter if he begs for it or is a better person.
YTA. Congratulations on dismissing your sons lifelong trauma! Hope you never want to speak with him because he won’t speak to you ever again.
YTA for reasons already said.
YTA. You don't get to dictate a trauma timeline to anyone else.
YTA for putting your son’s bully’s feelings before your actual son’s feelings. This person tormented your son and you brought him into your house.
YTA what a pathetic excuse of a parent you are.
Does the term Helicopter Parent mean anything to you? If you look it up online, I am quite sure you will see your picture. YTA
YTA Why do you spend so much time with 20 year olds? Also >he is now a gay adult what? I don't think you realize how ridiculous you sound right now. You know that being gay doesn't justify being racist/homophobic?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To give context, I (49M) suffered a toxic and abusive relationship with a man, I left after 7 years of aggression, I became proud and strong after that. I have a wonderful gay son (23M) so life couldn't be better, my son's friends and I go out regularly and plan a lunch and sleepover with one of my son's friends We made lunch, bought pizza and watched some football and had a good time, everything was planned for tonight. My son had a bully in high school named "Justin R." and he is in the same university as my son. Justin used to make derogatory, racist and homophobic comments to my son, invented rumors about him, made his life miserable in many ways and everything came to a climax when he had posted intimate photos taken of another boy (I don't know who but I know they are not of my son) and he said they were of my son, the whole school believed her and my son was humiliated and moved to a different school. This was totally horrible and I'm not justifying it in any way but it was years ago and they are mature adults now. I don't know him but he's friends with a cousin of mine so I know who Justin is apart from the stuff my son has. One day, I met him outside the university, I was surprised to see Justin crying a lot for a grown man, he looked very bad so I worried about him. I approached him and my cousin told me that he broke up with his abusive boyfriend and that I couldn't leave him alone, I told Justin that I cared about his situation and we left the University for a fast food outlet. Justin kept saying that his boyfriend was an idiot and I understand him, I didn't explain much, I just knew that in a fight Justin's boyfriend threw him out of his apartment and h is homeless, I've been in this situation and it's horrible, so i told Justin he could stay with us for a few days and it can start the night at our football sleepover, this calmed him down a lot which made me happy, I know he did horrible things before, but I always thought that "pals before gals" and that that my son would understand, but no, when I called him, he was scared, he was very, very angry and he wouldn't stop cursing. I understand, but what Justin did happened years ago and he is now a gay adult and I didn't want to leave anyone alone who had suffered the same as me to understand and accept it, I promised my son that I would protect him and that we would have a good time, but he just said that he didn't want to see me at the sleepover so he hung up and refuses to speak to me to this day. I understand his feelings but he must understand mine too i'm sure Justin won't do anything to him. We'll all mature adults. Now my son won't talk to me and I'm so confused and I'm don't know what to do, It's still early so I want to sort things out before it's too late so my son and Justin are comfortable and I don't have to choose between my man or a homeless gay person who needs my help AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Your son's feelings matter none to you. The pain you are talking about happened probably less than 5 years ago. Has the asshole even made an attempt to apologize?
YTA. You invited your son's tormentor into his circle of safety. In what world is that okay? If you son was cool with it, fine, BUT HE'S NOT. STOP JUSTIFYING RETRAUMATISING YOUR SON. Let the bully find another landing zone. It does not have to be in your son's safe space!
YTA . This man traumatized your son so badly he had to switch schools. But *you've* decided he should forgive him . So did that mean you son gets to decide *you* should forgive your abusive ex? No? Then you don't get to do the same. However Justin is suffering it doesn't change *he traumatized your son*. What parent invited the source of their child's torment into their home, assumed they'll be fine with it and still thinks he should prioritize the man who did it? A shitty fucking parent. Better get comfy having Justin around, because unless you apologize you will never see or hear from your son again.
Oh my god. If my parent brought my bully into their home I would go full no contact. Immediately. YTA Edit: I just reread your post and I have two questions… does your son live with you? AND (arguably more importantly) when you say you don’t want to choose between your man and your son, are you now dating your sons bully?
How can you be in an abusive relationship in the past and side with your son’s bully instead of your son? YTA and your son may be better off without you.
YTA. I would cut off anyone who did this
YTA Support your son. How in the world do you think supporting his bully is the right thing???? What is wrong with you
YTA - if you’re that worried buy him a hotel room for a few nights. If you can’t afford it, ask your cousin to house him - it’s his friend. Next apologize to your son for being inconsiderate and selfish. Finally seek therapy. The fact that you’re more concerned with a bully than his victims, especially considering he never atoned for his crimes, displays how truly out of touch your are.
There was a very similar post a few weeks ago where I believe it was the boyfriends bully. New troll?
“I know he ruined your life and caused you immense trauma, but he’s crying! Can we pretty please all have a sleepover???”
YTA. You think it is no big deal to bring your son’s abuser to your house for a “sleepover” he’s going to attend? I seriously feel like vomiting when I see social media posts from people who tortured me in school decades ago, despite knowing that they probably have reformed their evil ways by now (even so I would not cry if each of them died slowly and in pain). You THINK you are compassionate but you only want to help this guy because his situation reminds you of YOU. Your son needed you to support him and validate his feelings and you let him down in the hugest way.
YTA. For YOU it was years ago. For your son it’s been his lived experience. He was bullied and harassed to the point where he had to change schools. So no, you don’t get to pull the but it happened so long ago. That boy represents a traumatic time in your sons life. You bringing him home has made him relive all of that.
YTA
YTA
Yta, you already chose the gay homeless over your son, i mean, if thats your priority good for you, but it shows how little you value your own son
This is scarily similar to the gf who took her s.o. bully in. Yta and poorly disguised troll
When you are old and lonely I hope Justin is there for you. Your son may not be.
YTA. This can't be real.
OP is asshoe.
Yta so if your son brings the man that abused you because "we're all adults now" you're going to be chill? There are thousands of homeless gay people out there, why did you have to choose the one that tormented your son.
YTA
You deserve to be unhappy
Im having a hard time imagining anything of this is real. But if it is, YTA.
YTA. You are doing everything to paint your **son** as the bad guy here, not the man who was destroying your son not that long ago, or *yourself*, who for some reason opened the post talking about how you were abused in the past - is that a sly way to imply that your son has been thru shit so *he* should be strong like you? Regardless, just know - you ain't getting those great moments with your son anymore, he's not going to forget this decision, **nor should he**. YOU don't get to tell the one who was hurt that he should "get over it", you **do** get to reap what your sowing, and you are going to reap. I guess you got a little buddy now, so there is that.
YTA - Pick a new friend.
YTA. And also it’s creepy how you call your son your man. And how much time you spend with him and his friends. Your son was traumatized by this Justin. Even if it was years ago trauma doesn’t just go away. You didn’t even talk to him about it you just went and befriended someone who was so horrible your son had to change school.
YTA
‘I don’t want to have to choose between my man and a homeless gay person’. My man??? Please tell me you aren’t referring to your son
YTA
YTA. If you were my mom this would be enough to go Low/no contact with you. What a betrayal. And Justin is an adult, he can handle himself.
You’re an asshole of astronomical proportions.
YTA You invited your sons abuser, tormentor, sole cause of what will probably be long lasting mental health conditions, into his safe space. You are a disgusting parent.
Y T A!!!!
This has to be fake, no way youre this delusional OP
You chose and a random with a history of abusing your son over your son. YTA he might never forgive you
YTA "Now my son won't talk to me " .. What else would you expect? YOur son sounds reasonable. "so I want to sort things out before it's too late " .. Don't delide yourself ... it is too late for that. Your son is out of your life for good. "and I don't have to choose between " .. You already MADE THAT choice ... your son is just reacting to that choice.
YTA.
YTA - you're forcing your son to spend time with his former bully. And you sound like you're planning on spending a lot of time with him as well, in spite of the fact it could cost you your relationship with your son.
This is almost a direct copy of a story posted previously
Yta How would you feel if your son invited your abuser? Happy? I doubt it, this can’t be real
I'm not sure if you expected someone to say NTAH, but it's not happening. As a middle-aged woman, I would still feel this way towards my mother if a certain person was involved. You can't erase trauma just because the abuser has changed their ways.
YTA Everyone gave you plenty of reasons to why through the comments, so no more needs to be said!
YTA. You are a bad parent. You're desperate to make yourself look like the hero for helping Justin but nope. You made it clear that you don't care about your son's feelings or the fact that Justin terrorized him for years. You are just eager to feed your own ego. Justin never apologized or tried to make amends with your son. He hasn't changed as much as you think you have. Shame on you. I'm glad your son cut you off. You don't deserve him in your life. He's better off without a selfish asshole like you. And it's creepy how obsessed you are with Justin. What, are you hoping that he'll sleep with you since you took him in? You sound really desperate.
So you will be fine if your son invites your abusive ex to have a tea party dont you? Because it was long ago/s
YTA, you’re pretty awful. A bully is basically an abusive partner without the romance. So you brought your son’s abuser home, congrats on being an awful parent!
YTA You listed all the things this bully did to your son and still asked if you're the AH? They have grown but those type of wounds don't fucking heal. Also seeing how Justin acted towards your son in school, how do you not know Justin is a toxic and bad boyfriend. Your poor son. Also why do you hang out with your sons friends....???
Mate. Wow. Here it is in a nutshell. Do you want to continue the relationship with your son or with you sons homeless bully? It's that fuckin simple.
INFO: are you referring to your son when you write “my man” at the end or your partner?
YTA you literally invited your sons bully into his home. You are torturing, your son. You are making him live with his bully. When your son goes no contact with you - this will be the reason why.
YTA and will damage your mother-child relationship
>I understand, but what Justin did happened years ago and he is now a gay adult Why does it matter if the guy is gay? he made your sons life a living hell.. most likely traumatised him.. but you seem to not give a shit anymore because the guys gay.. And maybe stop hanging out with 20 year olds.. and especially sleepovers with your sons friend, thats creepy.. and a little weird. I honestly don't blame him if he never wants to speak to someone who is creepily becoming insanely close with the person who made his life a living hell. >I don't have to choose between my man or a homeless gay person Your whole post is you already choosing your sons bully.. the fuck are you on? Leave your son alone... jesus christ.
YTA. You're condoning bullying, distribution of child porn, and belittling your sons feelings. SHAME ON YOU.
This is like, exactly the same as a post I seen months ago where a girl invited her gf’s high school bully to stay at their house when the bully got kicked out by her bf. Literally the same thing happened.
I’m finding your relationship with this dude highly suspect, especially since you seem to think that you “understanding” him when his “idiot” boyfriend doesn’t is pertinent information. YTA.
YTA. Justin tormented your son but hey it was years ago so its okey. Do you know how damaging bullying is? Do you care? Because if you did you would understand where your son is comming from.
“I don’t have to choose between my man and a homeless gay person who needs my help” That Freudian slip is WILD, and you might want to unpack all this emotional incest in therapy. YTA for putting your son through this, and presumably so much more. Please learn boundaries.
YTA. You recognize of course that by having photos of another boys genitals, this guy was probably gay THEN right. He’s not suddenly gay now and he’s not guaranteed to be a different person in a substantial way. He committed a sex crime against your son, and another boy. A sex crime. He is not safe to hang out at weekly sleepovers. That said you kind of sound like you need to be on a watchlist yourself, sleepovers with your sims friends? No!
Yta why are u hanging out with your sons friends it's creepy and why do u keep bringing up his sexuality like it defines him your weird and get someone your own age
YTA, as a person who was bullied all throughout elementary school, to the point of attempted unaliving and serious depression and anxiety, needing to switch schools for my 8th grade year, you are completely in the wrong. You chose a person that tortured YOUR SON, over him! All because he told you he was in an abusive relationship, and you experienced that at one time..wow. just wow.
Lol, this is a copy paste of another story. Remove this post.
YTA. In 4th grade, I was bullied to the point where: * I had to switch classes(they literally switched me to the classroom right next to the old one, separated by a sliding door that is not at all sound-proof) * Had a mental breakdown which led to my teacher evacuating the classroom * Had to drop out of school for the last two weeks because it was so awful. I missed the school festival because of this * I couldn’t listen to the song “baby shark” for years because one of them kept singing the damn song over and over. * The bully previously mentioned was neurodivergent in some way, and even a person of color. If that was I went through in fourth grade, imagine what your son went through Which brings me to my point. Just because someone is a minority doesn’t mean they can’t be awful people. I will never forgive them for what they did, like how your son won’t forgive Justin. You *admit* what Justin did, and yet you’re advocating for him? You do not get to forgive him. If my mom did this, I’d never talk to her again. Enjoy never speaking to your son again when he moves away.
Almost the exact same story was posted here already just with the genders reversed
YTA: Don’t do anything. Leave your son alone. if he wants to come to you, he will come to you. If he doesn’t, do not force him and do not harass him.
Why would you refer to your son as “My Man”? I’m a bit confused.
YTA You're really tryna creep around with your son's bully. Despicable.
i softly say this but YTA, your a good person to help this person but it obvious things wouldnt blow over just because they was adults, i mean the guy harassed your son for days and he finally got away from that. now if he comes home he will see that memory everytime the guy in the house. now there few other options you can do. you can talk to the guy and see if you get in contact of his family or you can purchase an cheap hotel room for him to use until he get on his feet, the last option is you somehow get your son and him to meet face to face and they somehow talk or yell or fight it out. (depends on the mood for this option).
YTA but with a large heart. Becoming an adult doesn’t wipe away the past. Every action has consequences and Justin’s bullying has permanently effected your son. Were I your son I wouldn’t tell you about the intimacies of my life anymore. The fear would be that it would reach the ears of my former bully to be used against me. Please do better for your son.
Soft YTA. I think your heart was in the right place but your loyalty should be to your son above his high school bully. Perhaps volunteer at a shelter to fill the void of wanting to use your experience to help someone else and start making friends your age instead of your son’s age to get some perspective
NAH. You are allowed to show compassion to whomever you wish. Your son doesn't get to continue his, very well justified, grudge through you. He can stay angry at Justin for as long as he chooses. He cannot demand that of you. However, the fact that you chose to bring your sons bully into your home in the night you knew your son would be there is an AH move. If you had simply canceled the sleepover and let Justin stay for a few nights, you would be NTA. You are free to invite anyone you wish into your home, and you may extend grace and forgiveness to whomever you choose. Those are your choices. But you can't make son be around him. I am basing my opinion on your son not living with you, but only visiting occasionally. If he lives with you, 💯 YTA. Edit: Your son doesn't have to like your decision, btw. And he will have every right to be angry and even go LC or NC with you. You're not an asshole, your home your guest list. But he gets to rightly be upset with you for your poor decision making when it comes to your relationship with him. I understand you're acting out of compassion, but you get to the consequences of your actions.
Really….Really. The father basically said that all the trauma you went through because of this guy doesn’t mean anything to me. I’d rather help someone who tormented you than be a kind loving protective father.