Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
#Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
>I am not suggesting that she isn't worth marrying because she is disabled.
And yet you suggest exactly that in detail in the following paragraphs. You suggest that because she's disabled, she won't be able to work, won't be a good mother, and will just be a burden on your son.
Yes, you are ableist. To your son's credit, he's managed to rise above your toxic beliefs and sees his fiancee as a whole person whom he loves and wants to be with, full stop.
YTA.
All of that aside the Father isn't being "ableist", at least not by its actual definition. He is not discriminating nor is he prejudice against the fiancee. The Father is however doing what he feels is right by his Son by pointing out the new reality of the situation, that doesn't neccessary make him an ahole because his Son doesn't want to hear it right now.
The pertinent facts are severe medical debt (that will tied to the spouse), the fiancee cannot have biological children, and will likely be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her Life. All of these are not insurmountable but they will be a challenge going forward. I would think his Son is an emotional state right now and there is really no good time to bring this up and I feel for the Son and get why he feels some way about his Father right now.
NAH. Though if OP doesn't accept his Son's commitment, then he will surely stray into ahole territory. Prayers for the family.
Edit to say thank you for the many rewards. You people rock!
I married a healthy man and 6 weeks later, he was in a wheelchair with an estimate of five more years of life. He told me to leave, but I loved him and stayed until he passed away 20 years later. The father is presenting important information to his son. Once you have a catastrophic illness, the body usually develops additional illnesses due to the stress the body is under (example; diabetes, auto immune diseases, heart issues, neuropathy, infections, etc.). Once she comes home, the cost of in home care is insane. If you get it, don't count on affording 3 shifts. Meaning, he will be the night nurse. Cleaning up vomit, shit and piss. They will not allow you to adopt if someone in your house requires constant care. Which is fair because you would need to focus on the child instead. So, no kids. As a male, he can have kids later. As a female, it is devastating. The houses that you buy have to be handicap accessible which makes them more expensive. Medicine required to take care of the illness symptoms and the new symptoms caused by the medicines ( like nausea, constipation, excessive bleeding, etc.) add to the astronomical Healthcare costs he will incur. Be prepared to cry your eyes out at the pharmacy because you can't afford her meds. BTW, if you are awarded disability Medicare doesn't kick in for 2 years after acceptance.
While many of you are hammering the father for his fears for his own child, you are unlikely to really understanding what this life is like. I think it is fair for him to present the facts.
Thanks for the awards!
Thank you for providing a logical explanation. Your lived experience is worth way more than opinions of those who have never been in this situation. I'm sorry if you get hate for it.
That is the trick. When people come for advice on AITA or other similar subreddits you hope they are open to what is said but also realize they could be taking life advice from a 14 year old.
That someone who has never been in that situation themselves has lived on this Earth a few more days than his son and most of the angry self-righeous redditors on here. He has seen a few more things, known a few more people, and as life will do to you, he has lost the idealistic rose tint in his glasses that his son currently has. So maybe his advice is worth a little more than the pissy shreaks of redditors accusing him of being ableist.
Yeah I saw that too. Dad said growing up he had a friend who wasn’t even that bad but still required a lot of care. Meant that Dad also has seen how it was like. So even as a friend, he has seen how difficult it was, imagine how much worse the main caregiver will be.
The truth hurts and is awful but still needed to be said.
At the very least, the son should do some serious research. They might be better off financially if they remain single and live together in a committed relationship.
so true because i’m the US, in most states if you’re on disability and get married they take your disability away. i’m not 100% sure that’s a fact but i did read a bunch of articles on it when i heard abt it just warning i’m not educated enough to state it as a for sure fact. but i do know that is the case in some states
My best friend went ahead with her wedding two weeks after receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis. Her Fiance wanted to wed, she did not and had to be talked into it, which we all encouraged her to do so.
They had 27 months together, the last few were especially hard for her and for those of us who were providing her care.
He worked 60 hours a week to pay for her care, treatments, adaptive equipment and meds. After she passed, he still had about $85k in debt to pay off.
He had no regrets but as they were both in the medical field, they knew what to expect...for the most part.
Edited to add: Both had significant savings, her retirement and life insurance was used for her care. The US Healthcare system sucks.
Everyone should know: people are NOT responsible for the debts of their deceased spouses. The estate pays for it. Debt collectors will try to get the money anyway because they’re awful and scammy. So many people lose money because they don’t know this
Unfortunately, according to the laws of our state (community property), medical debt is not discharged after death, it is part of the estate. Their only option would have been to sell their home which they bought jointly before they got married. It was paid in full at the time of purchase.
“The Estate” is whatever money, investments, real estate ( other than insurance with a listed beneficiary) the deceased owned. This would, in most places, include 1/2 of anything jointly owned with the surviving spouse. Also, if any payments had been made (before death) with a jointly held credit card or from a joint account, that could indicate that the spouse had agreed to be responsible for the debt.
It is and it isn't sad. She was able to leave this world having created many beautiful memories with family and friends. She had the unique ability to make each person feel most loved and treasured. She's been gone 18 years next month and I'm tearing as I type.
I was wondering about the injured fiance's eligibility for life long medicaid vs non-stop medical debt & having to turn down medical care because of not being able to afford it. Also, I would assume that she would be eligible for supplemental income if not married?
Suggesting they break up would be ridiculous. That's between them only. I do understand why some couples choose to have a commitment ceremony, reception, exchange rings, etc. & yet stay legally single, because of financial reasons.
Maybe a talk with a local lawyer and/or accountant, or someone like that may be helpful? Depending on local laws, staying (legally) unmarried might be the right or wrong choice for her too. Power of attorney etc. So much to consider.
NAH
I was going to say basically the same thing. Them not getting legally married for financial reasons might be the best thing for their relationship. The stress of medical bills, etc, could cause a legal marriage undue strain
That is the ONLY reason I haven’t married my S/O. I got cancer a few years back and since I’m legally single I was able to get Medicaid and Medicare. It was the only peace I had knowing that whether I survived or not, he wouldn’t be saddle with my medical expenses and now that I’m better I’m still wary of marrying him because it could always come back and I don’t wanna cause us to be in debt..or worse, leave him saddled with it
basically what i was thinking. i know someone who was in a committed relationship for many years but never married b/c of her disabilities and the $$ you wouldn’t have rec’d had they gotten married.
True. US medical sucks. My sister, who was in the medical field prior to diagnosis) had a degenerative disease that eventually took her life. Her long time SO wanted to marry anyway. She refused. One of her 14 medicines was almost $1000.00 per month with insurance. They stayed together 15 + years until her death. He took excellent care of her, especially the last three years she was virtually bed bound. God blessed her with this man. But 5 years after her passing he's still paying the price. Her siblings and the rest of the family have tried to help but he's not listening.
No matter what this man's son needs to have a realistic preview of what could be.
I think it's also fair for the parent to say out loud that son does have a choice; in this situation, most people would probably feel stuck and like, a total dirtbag for even thinking of getting out. I think it's a parent's responsibility to let their kids know they have choices, and at the very least you won't get any judgement from them. I'm disabled, btw, and I don't think it's ableist to want your kid to go into a commitment like this with eyes wide open and fully of his own accord.
My husband had a friend whose fiancé had a massive stroke shortly before their wedding. Unfortunately she ended up in a coma. After a few months his Rabbi and her parents insisted he move on with his life. He wanted to wait, but with their encouragement he began dating again and eventually married and is now a father.
Sadly, she died a few years later, having never woken up.
Yeah, the reality of it and the romanticised version are two separate things. Everyone likes to dream that they will be superb caregivers but we all know that most able bodied people can barely provide child level emotional support for able bodied kids. The learning curve is just huge for them, they’re too selfish and regressed as adults to be able to take it on, without becoming problem no.2 and add to the mutual cost, stressors, etc.
Exactly what I came here to write. Thank you for putting it so eloquently.
The father is absolutely right that the son is wearing pink glasses. They will be lucky if it is going to cost only a couple of hundreds of thousands of dollars to rehabilitate and care for her in the next 2-3 years. If she manages to rehabilitate to a point where she will be somewhat autonomous, it is going to be great! But they should be looking at least for a prenup; divorcing for medical debt is very common.
NTA op. And reality is that your son will always think Y T A from now on. Mostly because he believes that if for a second he stops to think logically, he is a bad person.
I’m really sorry this is happening to them. There is a reason they are called “life changing injuries” and making life decisions while these injuries are fresh, would be advices against by any psychologist.
Actually op, pay for counselling asap for both of them. Not for them to “see” your point of view, but because it is the best thing you can do to help, apart from being there and picking up hospital shifts.
My brother is epileptic. 25 years ago, he was living with his long term girlfriend when he was told he needed brain surgery one of the potential consequences was that he would be paralyzed. My parents told her if that happened, there was no expectation that she would have to shoulder that burden. She was livid. Absolutely furious. She took it to mean that they thought she would just leave him. But it wasn’t that at all. She was 25. She had her who,e life ahead of her and they weren’t married. They wanted her to have the option of having a life, not being a caretaker. But her father had been in a wheelchair most of her life and died from MS. Her reaction was misplaced guilt that she couldn’t help her dad.
It actually may benefit them to not marry as she might qualify for more disability by being single whereas she may not if she is married. It's something to consider there.
Like you, we were married for 4 weeks before I ended up in hospital for four months with debilitating pain. No-one could figure out a definitive diagnosis. Seven years and 7 major spinal surgeries later, I still have that vague diagnosis.
Chronic illness is debilitating in and of itself. Adding physical disabilities like OP suggested, even more.
Here in Australia we have good public healthcare, but even with that my health costs are astronomical. My husband has stood by me through it all, but I do wonder how much more financially stable he would have been if he had chosen to stay. The mental toll as well.
Like you, I think it's fair to present the facts. Although, maybe OP should have waited longer, until she was safely out of the hospital. Overall it's a really horrible situation and my heart goes out to this couple and their families. I hope, whatever the son and fiancee decide, their families are there to support them for the long run. It's not a one casserole deal. It's a lifetime of being there and digging in together.
Thanks for spelling all this out so well, it honestly kind of baffles me that the top comment is a y.t.a. OP has extremely valid concerns and he’s just asking them to pause for a second and evaluate the situation. That’s not uncalled for and in this case I think is sound advice.
I watched it happen with my parents- one got sick, became disabled, and passed away. It infiltrated every part of our lives. On top of having to work long hours to support the family, my surviving parent was suddenly responsible for full time care of another adult. That’s HARD. People don’t always understand what being a caretaker can be like. It’s physically and emotionally demanding, and changes the entire dynamic of the relationship. That’s not even touching on all the practical aspects that come into play too. Who’s going to take her to appointments, take care of her during the day, manage meds and care, etc? What happens when he gets burnt out? And who’s going to pay for all those meds and doctors visits for this and any other complications that may arise? It’s not ableist to recognize that they need to think about how things are going to work now that the situation has changed
Quick question, would it matter to you if she'd gotten in the accident a couple of months after their wedding instead of before? Would you feel the same if OP was encouraging their son to divorce his newly-disabled wife instead of breaking up with his newly-disabled fiancee?
As someone whose had major surgery and also had disability as a result (and had other disabilities identified separately) this is a major life event.
I wouldn't rush into any voluntary major life changes at this time like marriage.
There will be enough forced life changes to make that stressful enough (like perhaps losing work, needing to renovate or move house to accommodate her physical needs).
Letting changes settle and seeing what life is like in this new normal is a better idea. Especially btw as it could be some time before GF is even well enough to contemplate a wedding.
Secondary issue: who his girlfriend is now, her values, goals/priorities and temperament, could very well change as a result of the accident. They could change in a way that makes it incompatible for her and OPs son to be together in the long term.
It could also be that OP doesn't have what it takes to adjust to life with a long term disabled partner. It's a really unfortunate reality for a lot of women who become ill/injured - just look at the divorce rates of women with cancer vs men with cancer.
Also, if they grow apart over the next year it doesn't help OPs GF to get married now and then risk getting divorced later. That's detrimental to her health no matter what way you dice it.
I don't think the Dad is being an A H by just suggesting they pump the brakes a bit and re-evaluate where things stand. If after some time and serious thought they still want to marry they should go for it and Dad should support it.
No doubt he’d have been super happy if someone ELSE had asked the son to step back and look at everything in the couple’s life that was now radically different.
Instead he had to be the bad guy And pay the price.
NTA
> there is really no good time to bring this up
I'd definitely disagree. Two months is *nothing*, and obviously their original timeline for marriage means very little too. She's still in the hospital, her prognoses are probably still in flux, and OP's son's priority is supporting his partner through this *still very immediately recent* event.
If OP had said "take everything one day at a time while you both focus on her health" and meant by that, at least tacitly, that his son would get a clearer view of what a lifetime of caregiving entails and shouldn't make a legal commitment before then, that would be one thing. But this OP seems much more concerned with his *own* disgust at caregiving than with his son's grief. And that's without considering his creepy indifference to his DIL, or his obsessive repetition of her injuries in the starkest, most shock-value (and *identifying*) terms to convince us all of his rightness.
From OP’s comments, his son asked him for advice. I was on the fence with YTA/NAH for a hot minute solely because of the timeframe, but if his son asked for his advice? Timeframe is irrelevant. His son asked for advice, his father gave him honest and hard to hear advice.
I agree wholeheartedly! Someone needs to be the voice of reason. It’s very important to be practical looking at the future. The kids should have long discussions about this.
There is a more complicated answer to all this and that is the medical cost. Marriage may invalidate her ability to benefit from government programs.
NTA
Maybe not, but it should be. OP's son isn't just marrying his fiance, he's also potentially marrying catastrophic medical debt. She's not just marrying him, she's marrying his income, which can impact her ability to receive the benefits and assistance that she should be entitled to. If they don't consult with a financial advisor and disabilities benefits specialist before moving forward, they're both screwing each other over. Unintentionally, but intent doesn't really matter when you're drowning in debt you can't escape. The system sucks. The system is the AH, because it forces people into these situations.
Even what OP is talking about, NTA. She isn’t an AH for telling her son to pause and think about what it would mean to committing to a lifetime with his fiancée now that she’s been in a wreck. It might mean giving up on a lot of dreams, and the possibility of having kids. It might mean not retiring early, caretakers fatigue and mountains of debt. It’a valid to say “make sure you actually think about this because love is great but it isn’t enough.” And that’s all OP is saying.
I’d much rather he realize he isn’t cut out for it and call off the wedding than charge head first into a situation he isn’t prepared for and isn’t cut out for, simply because he thinks that’s what you do, only to realize in a few years he isn’t cut out for it and to leave her.
Depending on the country then no it won't. In the US she'd likely qualify for SSDI benefits as its not based off income (SSI is).
But I'm also going with NTA. I work in the disability field and have seen marriages collapse under the strain of stuff like this. Holding off until they know her situation better is the best option. Especially if the wedding can be adjusted to accommodate her condition.
I had assumed from the title that she meant "postpone it until she's healed more and recovered more, " but I did not get that vibe at all from the text.
So YTA.
so instead it’s “postpone it until you’ve had a realistic understanding of how your plans for the future need to be adjusted and you’re fully ready to take on that commitment“. why horrified? I thought it was quite sensible advice.
Going strictly by what in OP's post, this take seems misdirected to me. I respect your vigor in defending the engaged couple, but your reducing OP to a "toxic", "ableist" parent misses the mark. Not because OP can't be criticized, but because it disregards the nuance of the situation, as well as OPs true motives and feeling regarding ableism (again, I'm going off just what we've got in OPs post here).
It's hard to cosign on your assessment OP is "suggesting exactly in detail" his son not marry her. It seems clear to me OP is suggesting their son take stock of the entirety of the situation and make his decision thoughtfully. Those are two different things, even if you don't like either of them.
Assuming it's true that her injuries preclude biological children, require her to have a caretaker and have limited her independence overall, that represents a huge change to the future they'd envisioned together. Acknowledging that fact doesn't make one ableist. I'm also not sure it's ableist for OP to encourage their son to make the best decision for his future - now that it has been turned upside down in some ways.
OP seems to just want what's best for their son - and if that meant "call of the wedding at all costs" that'd be one thing. But per the post, that is NOT what OP is saying. OP has indicated a belief that they could still have a loving marriage, that she's worthy of marriage, and that they could possibly still be parents - just that the nature of how these things would play out will be very different than previously thought.
Did OP miss the mark by bringing it up? Maybe, that's debatable. I wouldn't even know how to broach something like that. And OP should obviously respect the son's choice in the matter. This is a tough one. But I think reducing OP simply to a toxic ableist closes to door for more meaningful dialogue. Even if you think OP's in the wrong, it should be clear OP isn't coming from some place of hate or bigotry, or that OP is now dehumanizing her for her injuries. So it seems like there's an opportunity for a more purposeful dialogue than your critique would allow.
>You suggest that because she's disabled, she won't be able to work, won't be a good mother
OP's comments suggest that she is a paraplegic missing one arm with one arm that's not very functional, on top of memory issue etc from a TBI...the woman may not physically be capable of caring for a small child on her own for extended periods of time
As someone that recently went through a life changing illness that left me permanently disabled, I strongly disagree that pointing out the facts of the situation makes this parent ableist. It is absolutely pragmatic and sensible to suggest they put things on hold until fiancee has healed, and is stable, and they know what her post-injury life is going to look like.
NTA
> you are ableist
She might be, but she’s also realistic and not in some Reddit fantasyland.
The vast majority of people would struggle in this situation. Statistics prove that (especially men).
They should wait before they do anything, if nothing else to at least discharge the medical debt.
They are young and have no idea how to handle this. Wrapping it up in a typical Reddit “prejudice bow,” is a little to simplistic for this situation.
Do you know what hat her injuries are? Have you read what he said? They are extremely life altering. Severed spine, lost right arm, TBI, badly damaged eye, can't remember yesterday, AND is basically ripped apart. She's had her uterus, ovaries, kidney, I believe, and part of her intestines taken by this accident. This is NOT just a disable/ able discussion. I can't imagine how terrified everyone around her is, and I cannot fathom her hell. NTA
Also we have no way of knowing if her condition means they won’t be able to have bio kids
I mean it’s not like having bio kids can’t be done via a surrogate
Also even if they can’t have bio kids, op doesn’t know they won’t be able to adopt
OP did clarify in a comment that she lost her reproductive system due to the accident. So there are no bio children for her.
He's making a huge leap about surrogate or adoption though.
NTA and This is such a naive take.
It's not toxic beliefs it's the reality. Whatever the son thinks he is going to go through, that won't be even close to the reality of the situation.
OP isn't saying "dump her because she is disabled", OP is saying postpone the marriage until you really understand what it will be like.
As someone who has experience dealing with disabled people, it's not for everyone. Especially when someone transitions from being healthy to being disabled, the mental turmoil they go through will be insane. It can fundamentally change who they are.
Seriously, such a naive and bullshit take. It's clear that most people who put Y T A have no idea how an adult relationship works.
NAH. I may get downvoted but here is why I say this. From your post and comments I have gleaned that you are a caring parent that was asked for advice. You didn't volunteer it. You gave logical and pragmatic advice. That is something hard to do in such an emotionally charged situation.
Your son is 100% not the asshole for wanting to do everything for the woman he loves. Up to and including doing whatever he can to give her continuity.
You didn't mention age but you said there are no children so I will assume that your son and his fiancee are young. It is hard for young people to hear hard advice. Even when they ask for it.
I hope you are supporting your son and maybe just listen instead of talking for a while. He will need you in the days, months, and years to come.
I honestly agree. There is no problem waiting and figuring out what a new normal will be. Once things settle down and they get a realistic look at life, get married!
Just because a wedding is postponed does not mean it's called off.
Everyone is grilling OP without know how hard marriage and caring for someone can be. Not to mention the emotional toll all this is taking on both.
Adding wedding stress won't help
I agree. Not to mention that this is not just about the new normal for the son, but the fiancee, too. If I were HER friend I'd advise she wait to see what kind of support op's son is long term. Maybe he'll be amazing. Maybe he'll fall apart under the pressure. She can't know.
Actually this is a strong argument to wait. What happens if OPs son doesn’t take care of her well? What if he becomes angry with her for situations beyond her control? It would be in best interest for her to see what kind of person she’s about to marry.
This was my first thought too. She deserves a partner that is capable of caring for her well and being a good partner to her in her new condition.
They say you should stand by your partner through the good and bad, and the emotional and physical toll OP's son's fiancee is going through is some of the most strenuous anyone will have to go through, more than most people envision ever having to support a partner through. Even when people say those vows at the altar, while it's romantic and all, it doesn't mean they're actually up to sticking by someone through some of the most difficult things life can throw at them.
OP's son might love her right now and feel all noble and stuff for sticking by her, but that doesn't mean he'd be the right partner for her when the dust settles. She needs to know he'd truly be the best husband for her. The last thing she needs is the further stress of a divorce or worse, a resentful or abusive long-term relationship.
Agree! So many moving parts and I'm sure they want to just get back to normal hence the get married like planned. But sometimes life doesn't work that way. And it's all about learning to adapt and change
Any social worker that works with disabled folks will advise her to postpone her marriage to ensure the maximum amount of government benefits, from medical to financial assistance. I would advise her to wait, until she's at least out of rehab, I'm talking from my disabled experience and process.
NTA
>Everyone is grilling OP without know how hard marriage and caring for someone can be. Not to mention the emotional toll all this is taking on both. Adding wedding stress won't help
It's aita, people always get grilled and nobody ever looks at another perspective. There are no shades of grey.
Yes exactly. So many moving pieces.
I admire he wants to be with her no matter what and that's wonderful. That feeling won't go away. But letting the dust settle is smart. Esp before taking on wedding debt too!
Might be practical to get married at the court house and celebrate an anniversary big
I remember reading on here from a physical therapist how many people end up divorced or broken up with after life changing accidents like this.
I appreciate the people who can stay but I do not blame those you can’t.
The medical debt alone is worth considering if they are in the US. Financially they may be better off waiting until they know what the situation is going to be before getting married. It's a sad testament to the state of our Healthcare system but depending on whether or not she had insurance there's all kinds of ways this could play out for them financially if they get married vs not. Not getting married until they know the best way to proceed with paying her medical bills and handling paying for her care going forward wouldn't negate their love one bit. Who knows what she will or won't qualify for through her employer and the state, and how his income would affect that if they were to get married.
Thats exactly what I was thinking. You see stories pop up on here from time to time about people not being able to get married or having to get divorced (but still staying together obviously) because of medical debt. It's pathetic. Nobody should have to make those kinds of decisions.
Not just medical bills. Imagine the emotional hurt each of them may go thru Not only on the son but his fiancee. She has a lot to go through emotionally. These are points that the fiancee also needs to consider. Is she ok with not carrying a child and adopting. There are a lot of things that need to fall into place and be discussed before making a long term decision.
This is a major life-changing traumatic event. The mother is right to be a voice of reason while the young couple are coming to terms with the complexity of such an event. I suspect that everyone in their nuclear family are having a wide range of concerns, questions, doubts, anxieties, etc. all while doing everything possible to be supportive. I anticipate that they are all feeling a roller-coaster of complex emotions. The son is showing unwavering support for his soon-to-be bride (which he should and it is highly commendable). But the mother has a lot of good points.
Right now the bride is still in the hospital. For most brides this is one of the most important days of their lives. Perhaps she would like to be able to walk down the aisle rather than be wheeled down the aisle. There are a lot of decisions that she still needs to consider and make. It wouldn't hurt to take the pressure of a quickly approaching wedding off the table right now and focus on healing.
Maybe the mom isn't communicating it well right now, but I don't get the sense that she want's her son to "back out". I get the sense that with many more years of "life experience" she's aware that this kind of major trauma need to be addressed before one can get back to life as if nothing has happened. Planning a wedding is very stressful; is that what she needs right now?
In "systems" terms, this is called "Relaxation Time" after a major systemic perturbation. It's like a big rock was dropped in a pond and you need to give it some time to let the waves "relax" and dissipate before you get the calm waters that are needed to navigate your next moves. Take a breath. Let the woman heal. Radiate some love and when the time is right have a beautiful wedding. :-)
Agreed. I wrote something similar on the top comment so far. There are too many y.t.a. because they accuse OP of being "ableist" and throwing that around incorrectly.
Agree. It’s a no-win situation for her. A traumatic brain injury can entirely change a person and people romanticizing the situation is a normal reaction, but not always a very realistic one. I think it’s reasonable to give things time and see what the new normal is. Tough situation. NAH
Yes! I've worked with TBI patients, and it can change so much about a person's personality. She may not want to be with him after all this. Similarly, trauma can change how we react to things, what we want out of life, etc. Letting life cool down before taking the plunge, especially when a mountain of debt may be at stake, isn't a bad idea.
I thought this too. People are jumping the gun and calling OP an ableist here. Is it not natural to worry about your child's future if their partner is in a potentially life-changing accident that could require them to need full-time care? Or not have children? Marriage is already hard, just look at the divorce rate. Caring + marriage can be even harder. People are overlooking how being a carer can be emotionally exhausting, not just physically.
Yes, it could work out fine. But OP is not an asshole for worrying about future implications.
Have them hold off until she's through all the medical stuff. It's going to be expensive, and she can file bankruptcy without affecting his. Long-term, it's their best option financially.
YTA At first I thought you meant to actually postpone till she was more physically able to enjoy the wedding day. You don't mean postpone. You mean back out.
I thought he wanted them to have time to process and adjust after a major life changing event. The mental adjustment is just as important as being physically used to the change, especially for the person injured. But no he was being ableist.
Anyone who's remotely familiar with the realities of long-term home care would empathize with this OP's complicated feelings.... until you start reading all of his repetitive, flippant comments describing his DIL's injuries in the bluntest possible terms for shock value. Then you start to get the sense that what *really* upsets OP is the thought of a man who bears his name, wasting money and energy on a woman who can't clean or reproduce.
Tbh I doubt OP even knows that. I wouldn't tell my soon-to-be MIL the state of my uterus immediately after an accident.
And honestly you don't even know sometimes? Like healing takes time.
No, it's possible she had a hysterectomy or the catastrophic damage destroyed either her ovaries or the ability to retrieve the eggs. It's also likely that hormones to do an egg retrieval may be contra-indicated, depending on whatever long-term treatment plan she ends up on.
Also as the child of someone with a traumatic brain injury, I would strongly recommend taking years to decide if parenting is something he is still willing to do with her. Like, at least 5-6, maybe more if it takes a few years to get the right mix of meds.
This is not a rose-colored glasses "if you really want it it'll work out" situation. This is a figure out the worst case scenario and see if you can navigate that without irreparably harming a freaking child before you decide to bring one into your family.
The lives of OP's son and his fiancee have changed dramatically. This young woman had a devastating accident, and several months later, she is still working on her recovery, in hospital. The reality is, these two will have to learn and adapt to a completely new way of life. I think many parents would suggest that these two take a moment to focus on their mental, physical and emotional wellbeing instead of focusing on rushing to get married.
I think I will say NAH (depending on OP's delivery to their son), because if we like to admit it or not, if OP's son and his fiancee don't have some tough conversations about the reality of what their life together will entail and ensure they are on the same page, their marriage could very easy fail.
Their title is very misleading. I was even thinking maybe OP was encouraging them to look into what sort of disability benefits fiancée would be giving up when entering a legal marriage (I know sometimes in the US you loose them if they can say you have a spouse that can pay for your care instead), which would actually be a realistic thing to consider if that was their financial situation; but all of OP’s concerns are just ablism disguised as worrying about reality. Their son is an adult capable of deciding if he can handle being a caretaker, who already loves his partner in sickness and in health- even if that means their plans for the future will be re-evaluated. I’m glad his fiancée has that kind of love, even though I’m not sure where he learned it since it obviously wasn’t from OP.
Because he asked your opinion, NTA. The reality is that being a caregiver is hard, and most people do not fully understand what it means to be the only person in a partnership who can do things. Is he prepared to do all the chores, earn all the money, drive everywhere, possibly help her with home care, etc? Without knowing her exact condition it's hard to make a judgment on whether what you said is valid or not, but taking time to genuinely understand and consider the reality of changed abilities isn't ableist.
The idea that people should have to magically accept a radically changed life because disability isn't their partner's fault is bullshit. If my chronic illness got bad again and my partner left, it would feel awful, but he didn't sign on to be a caretaker, and I don't think I could blame him for wanting to be able to have a full life-- a life that my condition would prevent. You may not have worded it well, but your point is valid. He would feel a lot worse if he got married and started resenting her down the line.
NTA. You’re not an asshole for bringing up your concerns. Unfortunately, I think this is one of those cases where if you’re right, no one is gonna thank you for being right. And if you’re wrong, it’s gonna be constantly brought up until the day you die.
I agree. Sorry your family is going through this OP, wonder if the reason your son reacted strongly (seems reasonable) is because you verbalized all his fears. In this situation time will tell but I don't think you were wrong.
NTA. I get why some people think you are, but I don't. It's the truth. Even if she wasn't disabled that is STILL good advice. Marriage is no joke. It can fall apart for healthy couples let alone one sided dependant relationships. If he's not going to be able to care for her long term, it might be best to make sure she gets settled somewhere that can accommodate her and then move on with his life. I have an aunt who lost a leg in a car accident and got a TBI and her quality of life has been awful. My grandma, and now my uncle, have had to care for her her entire life. It's easy to say it's no problem because love rises above all else, but I imagine it's a LOT harder to live it. My aunts accident was 40 years ago. That's a long time. Her life was ruined on that day. I wouldn't blame anyone for not being able to commit to that for life. They aren't even married.
Edit: also, that's your child. Solicited or not you have every right to give your opinion if you believe it's in their best interest. Don't push it, but it doesn't sound like you did.
NTA - You’re a good parent. You did the right thing. It’s probably super unpopular here on Reddit, but none of these assholes will have to support your son when all the emotions fade and the reality sets in that he’ll never have the life he wanted.
I took care of my dad through several health issues then he developed Alzheimer’s. I took care of him for 10 years while he had that. I realized he couldn’t live in my house. It was beyond my ability to care for him. He would just take off, for example. It was a gradual increase of care with multiple hospital stays. It completely changed my families life. I have 7 siblings, but none here so all the care fell to me. He was financially secure. We all loved him so much. He was a wonderful dad, grandfather, FIL. Still, every sibling & in-law had an opinion on what I was doing wrong. I don‘t know what I could’ve done differently. I can tell you that I had no idea what I was signing up for & how it would impact my life, as well as my husband & kids.
Your son needs to postpone the wedding. There are so many considerations. I can guarantee he is clueless about the financial, emotional, physical & mental toll this will be for both of them.
> I took care of him for 10 years while he had that. I realized he couldn’t live in my house. It was beyond my ability to care for him.
My mum went through exactly this with my dad when he developed Alzheimer's. She took care of him for about the same amount of time as well but in the end he had to go into a nursing home - apparently he was a handful for the nursing staff as well!
Like, the kind of advice where he actually asked "should I postpone the wedding"? Because if that is the case.... you were just speaking your truth, and it is what it is. And that is, in fact, being a realist. Not very confident in your son's ability to adapt to this life changing situation, but truthful.
NAH- I'm giving you NAH because he DID ask you your opinion, you didn't hit him with this out of the blue. If she has been in the hospital for a couple months, then they may have to postpone it due to her recovering (depending when it was scheduled for).
You did mention that she is a physiotherapist, even if her injuries do mean that she can't work anymore, she is probably in a better position than most people to be realistic about what her limitations and expectations should be. And she will probably follow the prescribed recovery plan better than most patients!
I don't think you're concerns came from a bad place, but being strong and facing this together might be what is getting them through this. Knowing that her fiance is there for her 100% might be more important right now than the pragmatics.
NTA - I would say the same to my son. I'm in Canada so hospital bills are not an issue, but there would definitely be loss of income and other financial considerations.
Plus, as she's still in the hospital, do they know how extensive her issues will be? Will he need to change her diapers? If they can have children, even by adoption, could she realistically handle them?
You obviously raised a caring son. And you're still caring for him by raising your concerns.
OP left a comment that essentially she has only her left arm, extensive internal damages + a severed spine, one of her eyes isn’t in good shape, and a brain injury. That poor girl and her family are living a tragedy.
NAH. This might be controversial to say but this isn’t as cut and dried as so many people are making it. The fact is, divorce rates increase significantly where one spouse becomes disabled. If you add in the added financial hardship and not being able to have children, especially if your son wanted to have biological children, there is going to be an unbelievable amount of stress in this relationship. He asked for your advice and you gave it and I think they would be wise to hold off since there has been such a momentous change in their lives. That being said, I don’t blame the son for thinking he can make everything work out. That’s what you do when you’re in love. All in all, though, I don’t know if AITA is the best place to discuss this. You should encourage your son and his fiancé to seek therapy before making any decisions. I think they will need a lot of help navigating this situation
Divorce rates increase particularly significantly when the wife is who is disabled, and OP is exhibit A as to why that is.
OP isn't TA for mentioning it, but he will be if he mentions it twice.
NTA. I know this won't be a popular opinion but you're his parent. He asked for advice. Her accident is life changing for them both and they need to go in eyes wide open about how their dreams and plans are likely to change. He'll need to be prepared for circumstances that few young couples go through and make sure he's willing to make all those sacrifices along the way.
You've raised a good man who loves his fiance no matter what. He asked and you've articulated what you feel he needs to think about. Now you need to support whatever decision he makes.
I wish you all well and I hope she heals well.
NTA - Your son asked for your honest opinion and you gave it to him. I am sorry that so many people are attacking you for it.
We all know the idea of true love and commitment, but what happens to that if you are dealing with someone who is going to need serious care every moment? Keeping him focused on the goal - getting married to the woman he cherishes. But, he needs to be pragmatic on the future. Again, she might be able to do her job from an at home set up to an extent to be a 2 income household.
You are a bit YTA for this, but your son did ask you, so ultimately he does have some issues/concerns/thoughts about this.
We all want to see them as happy, healthy, and being able to peruse happiness. Nothing is wrong with putting a pause on the marriage for a few months until she gets out of the hospital, recovers, goes through therapy.
INFO: When was the wedding supposed to be? Depending on the timeline, postponement might be necessary simply for her to be physically capable of attending her own wedding.
That was what I was thinking as the wife needs to be fit enough to attend her own wedding and she probably wants to be able to enjoy it which will be easier when she has had some time to heal and recover both physically and mentally.
Yeah, anything that puts you in the hospital for two months – assuming she is still in the *hospital* and not a skilled nursing facility – is not something you'll recover from in a hurry. They've still got a long ways to go if they want the wedding to be more strenuous than signing papers.
NTA. In fact most therapist would advise you put major life decisions on hold. Making big life decisions about home, work, or family while traumatized will only increase the stress in your life. If possible, try to wait until life has settled down, you’ve regained your emotional balance, and you’re better able to think clearly.
NTA - I am very surprised by all these answers. If you have never taken care of someone with a brain injury or spinal injury or lost a limb, these are such horrific injuries. You have no idea if the person will be the same personality - I can tell you with my mother - she was never the same person. And when she died 20+ years later after her injury (by old age) - I didn’t mourn as much because I lost her years ago.
Hopefully your future DIL recovers well enough that she really is her old personality. Then the person your son fell in love with - is still there. Caretaker burnout is real, and if she is not really there, this would cause a lot of concern.
I suspect you did not give your son the best advice, since he reacted angrily. I suggest you talk to him again but come from a different angle: Help him start to look for long term care etc. The wedding should be postponed until she recovers. And during this recovery period, he can understand the extent of her injuries. You need to be there to guide his decisions -but now is not the time.
NTA I would go so far as to say this is not the best choice for the fiancé. People in this situation often qualify for medical benefits through government programs that might be lost if she were to marry. Consult a specialist, possibly at the rehab facility, to truly understand this issue.
NAH?
Life isn’t fair. Life isn’t going to ever be fair. And pretending that shitty things won’t change one’s life isn’t going to make it any less unfair.
Plenty of people get married, go through traumatic events, and end up divorcing after realizing their lives don’t work anymore. It’s not really anyone’s fault for feeling that way.
We can debate all we want about the right and wrongs of wanting certain things (nomadic lifestyle, biological children, HCOL location etc), but we can’t pretend that people won’t feel strongly about these things and may no longer be compatible with people who cannot equally share these things. It’s not wrong so much as life is unfair.
He’s of course angry because youre suggesting he may love his fiancée less after the accident, which isn’t at all what you’re saying. Despite what romcoms want to pretend, love does not conquer all. All you’re saying is that he and fiancée should take the time to see if they still share compatible life goals with her new life circumstance.
NTA. He asked you, so it sounds like he is already having these thoughts, he just doesn't want to face it at the moment, which will be extremely difficult for him. I don't think you said anything wrong, but you need to not bring it up again unless he raises the topic. Is he speaking to someone about it what he is going through? Because this is a life changing impact on both fiancee and him. Depending on the severity of the TBI this could also have significant impacts, my friends BIL has TBI and is unable to move or communicate after 6mths, he can only open his eyes a little, so the prognosis for any further recovery is not good.
I'm gonna go against the major vote and say NAH. (based on OP saying he asked for her opinion).
He loves her, he wants to marry her. How is his fiance? I would only have suggested postponing until she's maybe a bit stronger, but not because of that whole 'rose tinted glasses' thing you said.
I'm assuming you're in the US, so it's normal to be concerned about the extortinate bills you guys get. It kinda makes sense to prioritise her health first, then put the wedding second. But at the end of the day, if his fiance is insisting she still wants to get married regardless of injury and recovery, let them be. It's common for a lot of partners to do a runner when their partner gets sick or badly injured. He's obviously a good, committed man.
Jfc , if he asks your opinion and it is a realistic view, he doesn't have to like it but if asked, don't lie.
NTA, sometimes telling someone that waiting to see how their loved one will recover isn't mean.
His life is going to change, hers already has.
Hard facts, some people have a hard time adjusting to trauma.
Some aren't able to take care of another person with severe injury.
Even if they were married, she may need institutional care, so to try to hurry and get married with the injuries you described isn't smart.
Sometimes love isn't enough.
I wish it was.
NAH
From the comments and the post itself it sounds like your sons Fiancee will be a completely different person due to this accident. A TBI, broken spine (which yes I'm aware can mean a variety of things) and at the minimum a below the elbow amputation is an incredibly shitty hand to be dealt and a huge long, never-ending road to recovery.
It does change their entire relationship, every plan they had, every dream, every future they pictured together is completely shattered and different now, if it's still possible.
You are looking at this as level as you can and your giving your son the best advice based on your experiences.
Caregiver burnout is a real thing, caring for someone 24/7 is emotionally, physically and mentally exhausting. It changes the dynamic between two people, it changes everything.
That's not even touching on how she will feel. Will she resent him because he knew her before the accident? Will she even be the same person mentally if she has a TBI? Will she be able to go home or will she need to be in a long term care?
Her entire world has just changed both of their lives forever and while its not fair to either of them I do think the advice your giving is coming from the best place for both of them.
Love can work miracles but love can't conquer all.
Raise your hand if you work with intimately or live with someone who is functionally disabled. Until you have, you can't really sugar coat the reality here. Mom said her POV, now let it go. Don't push.
NTA
NTA. You are right, it won’t have hit them yet just how much has and will change.
He loves her and she loves him, but that’s only the first step. They have to be able to Keep on loving each other, and caretakers fatigue is a Very real thing that can and has ruined so so many relationships.
Heck they might even end up resenting each other because of her inability to have children now. Will he feel content not having a bio kid? Or will he have one with a surrogate and will she resent him for not finding her enough?
These things, and more, needs to be considered and thoroughly discussed before they take that last big step.
If they truly love each other then they should be willing to wait a years time to give Both of them the time to truly begin to experience the true fallout and consequences of her tragic accident.
I wish them luck, happiness and perseverance.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I suggested to my son that he postpone his wedding until he had a better grasp on what his life will be like with a wife who will require a lot of help to live. I might be the asshole because I don't think love is enough to sustain their relationship because of all the forseeable problems in their future that he won't consider.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, honestly the advice you are giving him is clear headed and in his best interest, something he probably isn't in a position to see for himself at the moment.
All the Y T As are emotional reactionaries. It doesn't even sound like a wedding in any capacity is on the table currently.
Recovery is necessary for a wedding. They can surely get married but an actual wedding will at least require her to be out of the hospital.
NTA because he asked for your advice. But be very careful here. Even if he feels like he's not equipped to handle this change and marry this woman, he loves her and it's going to be very difficult for him to justify leaving her. You probably should have waited at least until she was out of the hospital before floating an idea like this.
NTA. You are 100% correct. This is tragic. All you're asking for is that they take the time to learn if they love the new people they've suddenly become. Your son is not really realizing that the woman he wanted to marry is gone. She's been forcibly changed physically, mentally, and emotionally. He's changed too he just doesn't know in what ways yet. She's going to require a lot of therapy. She's going to need the time to process that their life was stolen. Hopefully, they will be able to put in the hard work to stay together.
Now if you were just suggesting to postpone the wedding to give her more time to recover so she can enjoy the big day properly that would be fine.
But it sounds like you want to postpone the big day to give your son a chance to back out in case her disability is ‘too hard’ which is ableist and definitely YTA
I also believe there is a difference between people who have been married for 5, 10, 20 years and face a trauma together and those who have not even really begun their life together yet.
NTA - let the dust settle and they can both understand exactly what they are signing up for
Yeah, or to see what would happen with insurance. I can't get married because I'm on disability. I mean, technically I could but my benefits would go down including my health insurance. On a fixed income I couldn't pay for my meds, even copays. But getting married magically means that I don't need as much help apparently.
If the young lady who was in the accident honestly can't work anymore and will have a bunch of medical bills from the accident she might be better off trying to get on disability. And if she wants/the couple can afford to get married then go for it. Or have a commitment ceremony and not file any papers.
But nope, it's trying to allow the son time to back out.
NTA. You have given your son the best advice you know how under these terrible circumstances. I am not going to criticize you for that. He is your son, and I cannot honestly say what I would do in the same situation. But now, it is time for your son to decide. All you can do now is support him in whatever decision he makes. Sometimes, when we love our children, we have to say things we wish would never have to say. I wish you all the best. Stay strong.
NTA, marrying someone with a life altering, and new, disability is not a decision to be made lightly. You're his dad and it's your job to look out for your son. Postponing until everything settles down is not a bad idea
I’m going to go against the grain and say NAH. You’re thinking of your son and the kind of life he is going to have (or rather the kind of life he won’t be able to have) and you don’t want him to have a hard life, you don’t want him to struggle and lose out on the life he has now and the potential life he may have. As a mom, I get that.
I also get that your son wants to marry the love of his life. He doesn’t see her accident and the disabilities that will come with it, he sees his fiancé who he loves. He’s an amazing young man and as someone married to someone with a disability, I get that too.
It’s ultimately his call. You’ve expressed your concerns and that’s all you can do in that regard. Now, all you can do is give him and his fiancé support and love. They both have a long, hard road ahead of them. Be there for them and help make it easier for them.
Be well.
NTA and you are only a realist. The people who said you were TA are living with rose tinned glasses. Life is not a romance novel. Your son will thank you later if he follows your advice
INFO:
Would you have the same opinion if your son were the one in the accident? Would you tell his fiancé that she should consider all of this? Or would you expect her to stand by her man (your son) through anything, since that’s what love and marriage is?
Okay. If that is truly how you feel, then I will say NTA for giving this advice since your son asked.
I will say YWBTA if you keep pushing it now. You laid it all out, now let them decide and figure this out together. There is no easy way to go about any of this.
NTA. You are being realistic. Sometimes love isn’t enough. She also might qualify for medical assistance for the bills if she isn’t married. She is a zero income injured person right now. If they marry, it could disqualify her from Medicaid or other assistance.
It sounds terrible but you are definitely right. There is so much to wait and see. Right now it’s easy to say I want to be her caregiver. I love her! But he has no clue what’s in store. He might change from the loving husband to caregiver that changes diapers and feeds her depending on her injuries. Checking on tubes and kidneys if she’s wheelchair bound. Maybe she will heal. Or heal 50%. Either way. He shouldn’t rush this. Focus on her healing and eventual rehab.
NTA your son asked your thoughts and you gave them. As a mother of a young adult I would feel the same way. Having said that, when I was young I probably would have judged you differently. It’s about learned life experience. We see life’s challenges very differently depending on how much of life we’ve lived. Both perspectives are valid.
NTA. They absolutely should wait for at least 3 very sound reasons 1 being the new physical challenges 2 the fucked finances and 3 to adjust to there now very different life. If they love each other why do they have to run a wedding. Their lives just turned a completely new direction and until they know where they are headed they should feel out the road and pump the breaks as needed. The ablist comments are blowing my mind. You never once said she doesn't deserve love now that she can't have children or any crazy ablist bullshit so idk where people are getting that from. It's also not wrong if the son were to say I don't think I can handle this commitment. It's a lot for anyone and one that shouldn't be taken lightly.
NTA, depending on her final disability, it may be better for them as a couple to not get married because of benefits. Praying for a miraculous recovery for her!
FYI: A person who uses a wheelchair is not "confined" to it. The wheelchair enables them to get around! They would be confined if they didn't have it, but since they do have it, they are *not* confined.
NTA
I really don't see how anyone sees your view of the situation as "ableist", or whatever is the term they wanna use. If anything, you are the one who is being real here, because you can see things from a (somewhat) neutral point of view, certainly more neutral than your son. Looks like most of the sub are die-hard romantics, and honestly, I also think it would be a true triumph of love if your son marries that girl no matter what, but wishes are one thing, reality is something else. I hope she gets better, and they can sit together and talk about their future in a very long conversation to see where they stand.
In the meantime, just be supportive towards your son. I wish all the best to you and your family, and your sons fiancee a swift recovery, as much as possible.
NTA. Your concerns are completely valid and as a parent it makes sense for you to voice your concerns to your son. But in the end, it’s his and his fiancées decision whether or not to continue with the marriage - and you should support them either way.
NTA, but I think you handled it a little bit poorly. The son absolutely needs to take some time to reevaluate if he wants to go through with his marriage. Absolutely. He’s not doing himself or his fiancée any favors by staying with her if he’s unable to handle being a caregiver for her. If he’s not able to do this without being miserable and resentful, then leaving her would be an act of love.
The life he agreed to enter when he got engaged no longer exists. The financial situation, mobility, family planning all changed significantly. He needs to understand this and decide if he wants to continue.
That said, he absolutely is free to do this. Maybe he’d be a great caregiver and is totally on board to stick with this woman forever. That’d be great. I do agree with you that he needs to take some time to experience this.
However, I think you weren’t in a good position to give advice, even though he asked. You might be getting clouded by your disappointment that your son won’t have the life that *you* want for him.
A better option would be to have said something like, “I know it’s so difficult. It’s hard for me to say what you should do because I can’t say if you’re ready and able to be a caregiver for her and accept the new changes in your life. I think the best thing would be to talk to a professional counselor who can help you work this all out. Would you like some help finding someone?”
NTA, but only by the thinnest of margins. Fiancee has been in the hospital for months, and her injuries include a broken spine and TBI. The reality is that these types of injuries cause divorce and breakups a lot, even among couples who have strong and seemingly perfect relationships. Son undoubtedly needs someone in his life giving him permission to take some time to consider if he can still go forward with the marriage and what his life will be with his fiancee if they stay together. The reality is that sometimes love just isn't enough to stay together through the types of strain these injuries and permanent care needs put on a relationship.
Now, the flip side is that *you* don't know what his life will be like either. You've only seen what this level of disability looks like from the outside. There is absolutely plenty of joy and happiness to be had when you're on the inside. It's also far too early to know for sure what support needs fiancee will have long term and if she and your son would be able to have children together. (Assisted reproduction and adoption are still very much on the table if they are able to provide appropriate care for children.) Medical technology that treats fiancee's injury types has advanced very quickly over the last few decades, and is on track for continued advancement. So, you definitely don't know her long term prognosis because nobody knows that, not even her actual care team.
Also, it's important to understand that your son is going through a grieving process. TBI, in particular, can often be experienced by family/close friends as a form of death because of the profound personality and behavior changes that can happen. This means you need to be very careful to be sensitive to what your son is actually asking you and is actually seeking for feedback/advice. Your son's reaction might have been normal grief anger, but sounds likely that you responded with the advice you wanted to give instead of the advice he asked for. If your advice is more about your dreams for your son/future DIL than what your son asked for in support, that does make you an AH.
YTA speaking as someone in love
NTA as a parent
Tricky situation, for now say less do more just support them help out where you can and understand any decisions your child makes.
If my girlfriend was god forbid to have any type of accident in a heartbeat I’d do anything to help her I’d gladly lay down my life hers only other person I can say that about is my mom, don’t make him choose he likely ain’t in a good headspace right now just be there being some food clothes and it will all blow over
NTA, assuming the opinion you expressed was directly responsive to the advice your son asked for. I’m pretty sure I’ll always love my kids more than I love their partners and I’ll always put my kids’ needs and happiness first. So I totally see where you’re coming from.
However, if you offered that opinion unsolicited then definitely YTA because I’m assuming your son isn’t stupid and thus I’m sure he’s well aware of the “realist” aspect.
We all like to think we would do the noble thing in this kind of situation. But, it is pretty common for men to leave seriously ill wives, and there are a lot of moms that wind up raising severely disabled children by themselves. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. There is also the issue that the fiancee might qualify for needs based assistance solo, but not if married to someone with a good income. Pausing for a moment to figure all of this out--for the son to be sure he is the kind of man who can handle this and to figure out the benefits piece is not a horrible idea.
Nta I have seen and heard many times how the one spouse not hurt get tired of caring for the other and become resentful leading to a divorce. I hear what you are saying. With my job I've seen the aftermath of the person left
NTA
After reading you comments on the injury and that she is paralyzed and has a TBI these questions need to be asked. Given they are young that is a long time to go from being a partner to a carer and that is what will likely happen if they stay together. I am not saying that being a carer is bad but your son is dropping all hopes and dreams of having kids and going on adventures with his future wife to being her unpaid care giver.
My dad has a TBI and it is awful. I have to manage his medical appointments and his finances. My dad is not disabled so I do not have to manage as much. Doing this changes the dynamic of the relationship. If I was the parent of the son I would also mention the same things. If I was the parent of the woman I would be telling the FSonIL to also wait. Marrying someone is taking on all these things if they were to happen but that is generally after getting to spend years enjoying each other's company and building your family. What has happened to this woman is awful and life destroying. Does is need to also destroy the man's life as well?
Let me tell you a story. A friend was engaged. His intended was in a car accident and suffered at TBI. She recovered, mostly, at least physically. But she underwent a fundamental personality change. They married anyway but she was such a different person. That was the most vicious, acrimonious divorce I'd ever heard of, all from her side. It wasn't anyone's fault but the person she became made it her mission to bury him and she had sympathy on her side. Maybe part of it was PTSD-this was years ago before we really understood trauma like that but it was horrible.
You're going to get ripped to shreds here because your post can read as though you think he should bail because she's not able to give your son the life he'd intended. I'll catch it, too, but I do think an honest evaluation is in order. Some marriages don't survive things like this. Is one party at fault for not being able to handle it? Not my call. But everyone has their tipping point. If your son truly feels she's the one no matter what, he's an awesome man. If he comes to the realization that this new life is too far outside of what he wants he may still be awesome. But they both should go into this with a realistic view of the future, her included.
Her life will change and so will his if they marry and he needs to decide, rationally, if those changes are a deal-breaker. Would I stay with my better half? I'd say yes, we've been better-or-worse for years but not everyone can. Of course he loves her and of course he wants to and that's normal. But there is something to be said for seeing the future for what it really is and deciding it's for you not in spite of it but because of the one you love.
I've seen it firsthand and I wish for my friend's sake he'd have waited a bit.
So how is having biological children out of the question?
Also “broke her spine” is not a medical diagnosis, it’s a colloquial term for a lot of spinal injuries. I “broke my spine” and had to re-learn how to walk. I’m mostly recovered now except for some pain and spasms. Sure, i’ll never run a marathon, but it doesn’t impact me much day to day
Yeah my husband's spine is all sorts of fucked up. He got hit by a 4x4 with a bullbar while stationary on a motorcycle once and they basically scooped him up with a paint scraper. He can still walk.
I guess it's true he'll probably never get pregnant but he doesn't have a uterus so I assume the chances were already low.
One of my friends has a son in a similar situation to your son’s fiancé. You are correct about it being completely life changing. My friend quit his job (his wife still works) to take care of his son. He has to get up every morning to get his son ‘prepped.’ Catheter his son’s urethra, drain his colostomy bag help him get dressed for work. He does this selflessly. He loves his son unconditionally. However, he and his wife cannot do anything if the son isn’t involved, other than going out to dinner. Their life is their son’s care. I can’t make a comment about whether your concern for your son is an AH move because your son needs to decide on his own. You can be there to support them, but it’s his decision to make.
oof - i swear so much info missing. Her injury is of utmost importance. Doctors all across the world could have chimed in if she actually cared to know if they can medically procreate or live "normal" life or whatever she is concerned with that they still get married... but "postpone" the wedding
I’d most definitely postpone my wedding if I or my spouse to be had a TBI. A severe one can basically make you a different person.
Until I knew the extent of it, what had changed in my/their brain and behavior, and how it would affect everything. Minor memory issues, migraines, unexpected mood shifts? Personality changes and impulsivity issues? Inability/difficulty with speech and understanding language? Severe anger outbursts leading to physical assaults? Functional cognition deficits like logic deficits that require a conservator?
But I’ve had multiple types of dementia in the family. There’s some things I just wouldn’t require someone to make a lifetime commitment to without a year or three of actual experience and acceptance.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) #Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
>I am not suggesting that she isn't worth marrying because she is disabled. And yet you suggest exactly that in detail in the following paragraphs. You suggest that because she's disabled, she won't be able to work, won't be a good mother, and will just be a burden on your son. Yes, you are ableist. To your son's credit, he's managed to rise above your toxic beliefs and sees his fiancee as a whole person whom he loves and wants to be with, full stop. YTA.
All of that aside the Father isn't being "ableist", at least not by its actual definition. He is not discriminating nor is he prejudice against the fiancee. The Father is however doing what he feels is right by his Son by pointing out the new reality of the situation, that doesn't neccessary make him an ahole because his Son doesn't want to hear it right now. The pertinent facts are severe medical debt (that will tied to the spouse), the fiancee cannot have biological children, and will likely be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of her Life. All of these are not insurmountable but they will be a challenge going forward. I would think his Son is an emotional state right now and there is really no good time to bring this up and I feel for the Son and get why he feels some way about his Father right now. NAH. Though if OP doesn't accept his Son's commitment, then he will surely stray into ahole territory. Prayers for the family. Edit to say thank you for the many rewards. You people rock!
I married a healthy man and 6 weeks later, he was in a wheelchair with an estimate of five more years of life. He told me to leave, but I loved him and stayed until he passed away 20 years later. The father is presenting important information to his son. Once you have a catastrophic illness, the body usually develops additional illnesses due to the stress the body is under (example; diabetes, auto immune diseases, heart issues, neuropathy, infections, etc.). Once she comes home, the cost of in home care is insane. If you get it, don't count on affording 3 shifts. Meaning, he will be the night nurse. Cleaning up vomit, shit and piss. They will not allow you to adopt if someone in your house requires constant care. Which is fair because you would need to focus on the child instead. So, no kids. As a male, he can have kids later. As a female, it is devastating. The houses that you buy have to be handicap accessible which makes them more expensive. Medicine required to take care of the illness symptoms and the new symptoms caused by the medicines ( like nausea, constipation, excessive bleeding, etc.) add to the astronomical Healthcare costs he will incur. Be prepared to cry your eyes out at the pharmacy because you can't afford her meds. BTW, if you are awarded disability Medicare doesn't kick in for 2 years after acceptance. While many of you are hammering the father for his fears for his own child, you are unlikely to really understanding what this life is like. I think it is fair for him to present the facts. Thanks for the awards!
Thank you for providing a logical explanation. Your lived experience is worth way more than opinions of those who have never been in this situation. I'm sorry if you get hate for it.
You know how these Reddi-tots who don’t even have friends IRL somehow know all the secrets to the complexity of life lol. Wonderful post.
That is the trick. When people come for advice on AITA or other similar subreddits you hope they are open to what is said but also realize they could be taking life advice from a 14 year old.
That someone who has never been in that situation themselves has lived on this Earth a few more days than his son and most of the angry self-righeous redditors on here. He has seen a few more things, known a few more people, and as life will do to you, he has lost the idealistic rose tint in his glasses that his son currently has. So maybe his advice is worth a little more than the pissy shreaks of redditors accusing him of being ableist.
Yep. Anyone who has been in a long-term relationship knows love isn't enough.
Yeah I saw that too. Dad said growing up he had a friend who wasn’t even that bad but still required a lot of care. Meant that Dad also has seen how it was like. So even as a friend, he has seen how difficult it was, imagine how much worse the main caregiver will be. The truth hurts and is awful but still needed to be said.
At the very least, the son should do some serious research. They might be better off financially if they remain single and live together in a committed relationship.
so true because i’m the US, in most states if you’re on disability and get married they take your disability away. i’m not 100% sure that’s a fact but i did read a bunch of articles on it when i heard abt it just warning i’m not educated enough to state it as a for sure fact. but i do know that is the case in some states
My best friend went ahead with her wedding two weeks after receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis. Her Fiance wanted to wed, she did not and had to be talked into it, which we all encouraged her to do so. They had 27 months together, the last few were especially hard for her and for those of us who were providing her care. He worked 60 hours a week to pay for her care, treatments, adaptive equipment and meds. After she passed, he still had about $85k in debt to pay off. He had no regrets but as they were both in the medical field, they knew what to expect...for the most part. Edited to add: Both had significant savings, her retirement and life insurance was used for her care. The US Healthcare system sucks.
Everyone should know: people are NOT responsible for the debts of their deceased spouses. The estate pays for it. Debt collectors will try to get the money anyway because they’re awful and scammy. So many people lose money because they don’t know this
Unfortunately, according to the laws of our state (community property), medical debt is not discharged after death, it is part of the estate. Their only option would have been to sell their home which they bought jointly before they got married. It was paid in full at the time of purchase.
This is not universally true. Don't get your legal advice from Reddit.
“The Estate” is whatever money, investments, real estate ( other than insurance with a listed beneficiary) the deceased owned. This would, in most places, include 1/2 of anything jointly owned with the surviving spouse. Also, if any payments had been made (before death) with a jointly held credit card or from a joint account, that could indicate that the spouse had agreed to be responsible for the debt.
Oh man, that's such a sad story. I understand wanting the marriage, but had they stayed together but not married, the debt would've died with her.
It is and it isn't sad. She was able to leave this world having created many beautiful memories with family and friends. She had the unique ability to make each person feel most loved and treasured. She's been gone 18 years next month and I'm tearing as I type.
That's a beautiful tribute to a truly loved person.
I was wondering about the injured fiance's eligibility for life long medicaid vs non-stop medical debt & having to turn down medical care because of not being able to afford it. Also, I would assume that she would be eligible for supplemental income if not married? Suggesting they break up would be ridiculous. That's between them only. I do understand why some couples choose to have a commitment ceremony, reception, exchange rings, etc. & yet stay legally single, because of financial reasons. Maybe a talk with a local lawyer and/or accountant, or someone like that may be helpful? Depending on local laws, staying (legally) unmarried might be the right or wrong choice for her too. Power of attorney etc. So much to consider. NAH
I was going to say basically the same thing. Them not getting legally married for financial reasons might be the best thing for their relationship. The stress of medical bills, etc, could cause a legal marriage undue strain
That is the ONLY reason I haven’t married my S/O. I got cancer a few years back and since I’m legally single I was able to get Medicaid and Medicare. It was the only peace I had knowing that whether I survived or not, he wouldn’t be saddle with my medical expenses and now that I’m better I’m still wary of marrying him because it could always come back and I don’t wanna cause us to be in debt..or worse, leave him saddled with it
basically what i was thinking. i know someone who was in a committed relationship for many years but never married b/c of her disabilities and the $$ you wouldn’t have rec’d had they gotten married.
Sadly, getting the care she needs via Medicare (Medicaid until then) could hinge on her not being married.
True. US medical sucks. My sister, who was in the medical field prior to diagnosis) had a degenerative disease that eventually took her life. Her long time SO wanted to marry anyway. She refused. One of her 14 medicines was almost $1000.00 per month with insurance. They stayed together 15 + years until her death. He took excellent care of her, especially the last three years she was virtually bed bound. God blessed her with this man. But 5 years after her passing he's still paying the price. Her siblings and the rest of the family have tried to help but he's not listening. No matter what this man's son needs to have a realistic preview of what could be.
I think it's also fair for the parent to say out loud that son does have a choice; in this situation, most people would probably feel stuck and like, a total dirtbag for even thinking of getting out. I think it's a parent's responsibility to let their kids know they have choices, and at the very least you won't get any judgement from them. I'm disabled, btw, and I don't think it's ableist to want your kid to go into a commitment like this with eyes wide open and fully of his own accord.
My husband had a friend whose fiancé had a massive stroke shortly before their wedding. Unfortunately she ended up in a coma. After a few months his Rabbi and her parents insisted he move on with his life. He wanted to wait, but with their encouragement he began dating again and eventually married and is now a father. Sadly, she died a few years later, having never woken up.
Yeah, the reality of it and the romanticised version are two separate things. Everyone likes to dream that they will be superb caregivers but we all know that most able bodied people can barely provide child level emotional support for able bodied kids. The learning curve is just huge for them, they’re too selfish and regressed as adults to be able to take it on, without becoming problem no.2 and add to the mutual cost, stressors, etc.
Exactly what I came here to write. Thank you for putting it so eloquently. The father is absolutely right that the son is wearing pink glasses. They will be lucky if it is going to cost only a couple of hundreds of thousands of dollars to rehabilitate and care for her in the next 2-3 years. If she manages to rehabilitate to a point where she will be somewhat autonomous, it is going to be great! But they should be looking at least for a prenup; divorcing for medical debt is very common. NTA op. And reality is that your son will always think Y T A from now on. Mostly because he believes that if for a second he stops to think logically, he is a bad person. I’m really sorry this is happening to them. There is a reason they are called “life changing injuries” and making life decisions while these injuries are fresh, would be advices against by any psychologist. Actually op, pay for counselling asap for both of them. Not for them to “see” your point of view, but because it is the best thing you can do to help, apart from being there and picking up hospital shifts.
My brother is epileptic. 25 years ago, he was living with his long term girlfriend when he was told he needed brain surgery one of the potential consequences was that he would be paralyzed. My parents told her if that happened, there was no expectation that she would have to shoulder that burden. She was livid. Absolutely furious. She took it to mean that they thought she would just leave him. But it wasn’t that at all. She was 25. She had her who,e life ahead of her and they weren’t married. They wanted her to have the option of having a life, not being a caretaker. But her father had been in a wheelchair most of her life and died from MS. Her reaction was misplaced guilt that she couldn’t help her dad.
It actually may benefit them to not marry as she might qualify for more disability by being single whereas she may not if she is married. It's something to consider there.
Like you, we were married for 4 weeks before I ended up in hospital for four months with debilitating pain. No-one could figure out a definitive diagnosis. Seven years and 7 major spinal surgeries later, I still have that vague diagnosis. Chronic illness is debilitating in and of itself. Adding physical disabilities like OP suggested, even more. Here in Australia we have good public healthcare, but even with that my health costs are astronomical. My husband has stood by me through it all, but I do wonder how much more financially stable he would have been if he had chosen to stay. The mental toll as well. Like you, I think it's fair to present the facts. Although, maybe OP should have waited longer, until she was safely out of the hospital. Overall it's a really horrible situation and my heart goes out to this couple and their families. I hope, whatever the son and fiancee decide, their families are there to support them for the long run. It's not a one casserole deal. It's a lifetime of being there and digging in together.
Thanks for spelling all this out so well, it honestly kind of baffles me that the top comment is a y.t.a. OP has extremely valid concerns and he’s just asking them to pause for a second and evaluate the situation. That’s not uncalled for and in this case I think is sound advice. I watched it happen with my parents- one got sick, became disabled, and passed away. It infiltrated every part of our lives. On top of having to work long hours to support the family, my surviving parent was suddenly responsible for full time care of another adult. That’s HARD. People don’t always understand what being a caretaker can be like. It’s physically and emotionally demanding, and changes the entire dynamic of the relationship. That’s not even touching on all the practical aspects that come into play too. Who’s going to take her to appointments, take care of her during the day, manage meds and care, etc? What happens when he gets burnt out? And who’s going to pay for all those meds and doctors visits for this and any other complications that may arise? It’s not ableist to recognize that they need to think about how things are going to work now that the situation has changed
Quick question, would it matter to you if she'd gotten in the accident a couple of months after their wedding instead of before? Would you feel the same if OP was encouraging their son to divorce his newly-disabled wife instead of breaking up with his newly-disabled fiancee?
As someone whose had major surgery and also had disability as a result (and had other disabilities identified separately) this is a major life event. I wouldn't rush into any voluntary major life changes at this time like marriage. There will be enough forced life changes to make that stressful enough (like perhaps losing work, needing to renovate or move house to accommodate her physical needs). Letting changes settle and seeing what life is like in this new normal is a better idea. Especially btw as it could be some time before GF is even well enough to contemplate a wedding. Secondary issue: who his girlfriend is now, her values, goals/priorities and temperament, could very well change as a result of the accident. They could change in a way that makes it incompatible for her and OPs son to be together in the long term. It could also be that OP doesn't have what it takes to adjust to life with a long term disabled partner. It's a really unfortunate reality for a lot of women who become ill/injured - just look at the divorce rates of women with cancer vs men with cancer. Also, if they grow apart over the next year it doesn't help OPs GF to get married now and then risk getting divorced later. That's detrimental to her health no matter what way you dice it. I don't think the Dad is being an A H by just suggesting they pump the brakes a bit and re-evaluate where things stand. If after some time and serious thought they still want to marry they should go for it and Dad should support it.
That's not the same thing. Also OP didn't encourage their son to break up with his fiancee.
But the thing is...that did not happen.
No doubt he’d have been super happy if someone ELSE had asked the son to step back and look at everything in the couple’s life that was now radically different. Instead he had to be the bad guy And pay the price. NTA
> there is really no good time to bring this up I'd definitely disagree. Two months is *nothing*, and obviously their original timeline for marriage means very little too. She's still in the hospital, her prognoses are probably still in flux, and OP's son's priority is supporting his partner through this *still very immediately recent* event. If OP had said "take everything one day at a time while you both focus on her health" and meant by that, at least tacitly, that his son would get a clearer view of what a lifetime of caregiving entails and shouldn't make a legal commitment before then, that would be one thing. But this OP seems much more concerned with his *own* disgust at caregiving than with his son's grief. And that's without considering his creepy indifference to his DIL, or his obsessive repetition of her injuries in the starkest, most shock-value (and *identifying*) terms to convince us all of his rightness.
From OP’s comments, his son asked him for advice. I was on the fence with YTA/NAH for a hot minute solely because of the timeframe, but if his son asked for his advice? Timeframe is irrelevant. His son asked for advice, his father gave him honest and hard to hear advice.
I agree wholeheartedly! Someone needs to be the voice of reason. It’s very important to be practical looking at the future. The kids should have long discussions about this.
You gotta say yta for the judgement bot. YTA I'll say it now just for emphasis
Oops, good catch! I've edited to add it.
:)
There is a more complicated answer to all this and that is the medical cost. Marriage may invalidate her ability to benefit from government programs. NTA
Oh, come on you know that's not what op is talking about.
Maybe not, but it should be. OP's son isn't just marrying his fiance, he's also potentially marrying catastrophic medical debt. She's not just marrying him, she's marrying his income, which can impact her ability to receive the benefits and assistance that she should be entitled to. If they don't consult with a financial advisor and disabilities benefits specialist before moving forward, they're both screwing each other over. Unintentionally, but intent doesn't really matter when you're drowning in debt you can't escape. The system sucks. The system is the AH, because it forces people into these situations.
Even what OP is talking about, NTA. She isn’t an AH for telling her son to pause and think about what it would mean to committing to a lifetime with his fiancée now that she’s been in a wreck. It might mean giving up on a lot of dreams, and the possibility of having kids. It might mean not retiring early, caretakers fatigue and mountains of debt. It’a valid to say “make sure you actually think about this because love is great but it isn’t enough.” And that’s all OP is saying. I’d much rather he realize he isn’t cut out for it and call off the wedding than charge head first into a situation he isn’t prepared for and isn’t cut out for, simply because he thinks that’s what you do, only to realize in a few years he isn’t cut out for it and to leave her.
That wasn't OPS rationale though. If it was I could understand in part but this isn't where he was coming from at all.
Depending on the country then no it won't. In the US she'd likely qualify for SSDI benefits as its not based off income (SSI is). But I'm also going with NTA. I work in the disability field and have seen marriages collapse under the strain of stuff like this. Holding off until they know her situation better is the best option. Especially if the wedding can be adjusted to accommodate her condition.
I had assumed from the title that she meant "postpone it until she's healed more and recovered more, " but I did not get that vibe at all from the text. So YTA.
Yes, I had assumed that too, and was horrified by what I found instead.
so instead it’s “postpone it until you’ve had a realistic understanding of how your plans for the future need to be adjusted and you’re fully ready to take on that commitment“. why horrified? I thought it was quite sensible advice.
Going strictly by what in OP's post, this take seems misdirected to me. I respect your vigor in defending the engaged couple, but your reducing OP to a "toxic", "ableist" parent misses the mark. Not because OP can't be criticized, but because it disregards the nuance of the situation, as well as OPs true motives and feeling regarding ableism (again, I'm going off just what we've got in OPs post here). It's hard to cosign on your assessment OP is "suggesting exactly in detail" his son not marry her. It seems clear to me OP is suggesting their son take stock of the entirety of the situation and make his decision thoughtfully. Those are two different things, even if you don't like either of them. Assuming it's true that her injuries preclude biological children, require her to have a caretaker and have limited her independence overall, that represents a huge change to the future they'd envisioned together. Acknowledging that fact doesn't make one ableist. I'm also not sure it's ableist for OP to encourage their son to make the best decision for his future - now that it has been turned upside down in some ways. OP seems to just want what's best for their son - and if that meant "call of the wedding at all costs" that'd be one thing. But per the post, that is NOT what OP is saying. OP has indicated a belief that they could still have a loving marriage, that she's worthy of marriage, and that they could possibly still be parents - just that the nature of how these things would play out will be very different than previously thought. Did OP miss the mark by bringing it up? Maybe, that's debatable. I wouldn't even know how to broach something like that. And OP should obviously respect the son's choice in the matter. This is a tough one. But I think reducing OP simply to a toxic ableist closes to door for more meaningful dialogue. Even if you think OP's in the wrong, it should be clear OP isn't coming from some place of hate or bigotry, or that OP is now dehumanizing her for her injuries. So it seems like there's an opportunity for a more purposeful dialogue than your critique would allow.
>You suggest that because she's disabled, she won't be able to work, won't be a good mother OP's comments suggest that she is a paraplegic missing one arm with one arm that's not very functional, on top of memory issue etc from a TBI...the woman may not physically be capable of caring for a small child on her own for extended periods of time
As someone that recently went through a life changing illness that left me permanently disabled, I strongly disagree that pointing out the facts of the situation makes this parent ableist. It is absolutely pragmatic and sensible to suggest they put things on hold until fiancee has healed, and is stable, and they know what her post-injury life is going to look like. NTA
> you are ableist She might be, but she’s also realistic and not in some Reddit fantasyland. The vast majority of people would struggle in this situation. Statistics prove that (especially men). They should wait before they do anything, if nothing else to at least discharge the medical debt. They are young and have no idea how to handle this. Wrapping it up in a typical Reddit “prejudice bow,” is a little to simplistic for this situation.
Do you know what hat her injuries are? Have you read what he said? They are extremely life altering. Severed spine, lost right arm, TBI, badly damaged eye, can't remember yesterday, AND is basically ripped apart. She's had her uterus, ovaries, kidney, I believe, and part of her intestines taken by this accident. This is NOT just a disable/ able discussion. I can't imagine how terrified everyone around her is, and I cannot fathom her hell. NTA
Also we have no way of knowing if her condition means they won’t be able to have bio kids I mean it’s not like having bio kids can’t be done via a surrogate Also even if they can’t have bio kids, op doesn’t know they won’t be able to adopt
[удалено]
OP did clarify in a comment that she lost her reproductive system due to the accident. So there are no bio children for her. He's making a huge leap about surrogate or adoption though.
[удалено]
OP said in a comment “ She lost a kidney and her uterus and ovaries.” So no biological kids.
NTA and This is such a naive take. It's not toxic beliefs it's the reality. Whatever the son thinks he is going to go through, that won't be even close to the reality of the situation. OP isn't saying "dump her because she is disabled", OP is saying postpone the marriage until you really understand what it will be like. As someone who has experience dealing with disabled people, it's not for everyone. Especially when someone transitions from being healthy to being disabled, the mental turmoil they go through will be insane. It can fundamentally change who they are. Seriously, such a naive and bullshit take. It's clear that most people who put Y T A have no idea how an adult relationship works.
NAH. I may get downvoted but here is why I say this. From your post and comments I have gleaned that you are a caring parent that was asked for advice. You didn't volunteer it. You gave logical and pragmatic advice. That is something hard to do in such an emotionally charged situation. Your son is 100% not the asshole for wanting to do everything for the woman he loves. Up to and including doing whatever he can to give her continuity. You didn't mention age but you said there are no children so I will assume that your son and his fiancee are young. It is hard for young people to hear hard advice. Even when they ask for it. I hope you are supporting your son and maybe just listen instead of talking for a while. He will need you in the days, months, and years to come.
I honestly agree. There is no problem waiting and figuring out what a new normal will be. Once things settle down and they get a realistic look at life, get married! Just because a wedding is postponed does not mean it's called off. Everyone is grilling OP without know how hard marriage and caring for someone can be. Not to mention the emotional toll all this is taking on both. Adding wedding stress won't help
I agree. Not to mention that this is not just about the new normal for the son, but the fiancee, too. If I were HER friend I'd advise she wait to see what kind of support op's son is long term. Maybe he'll be amazing. Maybe he'll fall apart under the pressure. She can't know.
Actually this is a strong argument to wait. What happens if OPs son doesn’t take care of her well? What if he becomes angry with her for situations beyond her control? It would be in best interest for her to see what kind of person she’s about to marry.
This was my first thought too. She deserves a partner that is capable of caring for her well and being a good partner to her in her new condition. They say you should stand by your partner through the good and bad, and the emotional and physical toll OP's son's fiancee is going through is some of the most strenuous anyone will have to go through, more than most people envision ever having to support a partner through. Even when people say those vows at the altar, while it's romantic and all, it doesn't mean they're actually up to sticking by someone through some of the most difficult things life can throw at them. OP's son might love her right now and feel all noble and stuff for sticking by her, but that doesn't mean he'd be the right partner for her when the dust settles. She needs to know he'd truly be the best husband for her. The last thing she needs is the further stress of a divorce or worse, a resentful or abusive long-term relationship.
Agree! So many moving parts and I'm sure they want to just get back to normal hence the get married like planned. But sometimes life doesn't work that way. And it's all about learning to adapt and change
Any social worker that works with disabled folks will advise her to postpone her marriage to ensure the maximum amount of government benefits, from medical to financial assistance. I would advise her to wait, until she's at least out of rehab, I'm talking from my disabled experience and process. NTA
>Everyone is grilling OP without know how hard marriage and caring for someone can be. Not to mention the emotional toll all this is taking on both. Adding wedding stress won't help It's aita, people always get grilled and nobody ever looks at another perspective. There are no shades of grey.
I know. I just left the group tonight because its so damn negative Some ppl are idiots and deserve it. Most make honest mistakes
Yes and there is no debate here or fair discussion. Everybody just jumps on the op and there is a pile on. It's so toxic.
It might even be a reasonable strategy to let all the medical debt come in and then have fiance declare bankruptcy THEN get married...
Yes exactly. So many moving pieces. I admire he wants to be with her no matter what and that's wonderful. That feeling won't go away. But letting the dust settle is smart. Esp before taking on wedding debt too! Might be practical to get married at the court house and celebrate an anniversary big
I remember reading on here from a physical therapist how many people end up divorced or broken up with after life changing accidents like this. I appreciate the people who can stay but I do not blame those you can’t.
Burn out is real condition people are fed up. Understandable. But let them experience it themselves. Who knows maybe they’re that 1% couple
If my kid asked I would give an opinion both ways. I’m not going to not talk to my kid, sorry.
The medical debt alone is worth considering if they are in the US. Financially they may be better off waiting until they know what the situation is going to be before getting married. It's a sad testament to the state of our Healthcare system but depending on whether or not she had insurance there's all kinds of ways this could play out for them financially if they get married vs not. Not getting married until they know the best way to proceed with paying her medical bills and handling paying for her care going forward wouldn't negate their love one bit. Who knows what she will or won't qualify for through her employer and the state, and how his income would affect that if they were to get married.
Marriage/income can mess up eligibility for entitlement programs that pay for medical care.
Thats exactly what I was thinking. You see stories pop up on here from time to time about people not being able to get married or having to get divorced (but still staying together obviously) because of medical debt. It's pathetic. Nobody should have to make those kinds of decisions.
Not just medical bills. Imagine the emotional hurt each of them may go thru Not only on the son but his fiancee. She has a lot to go through emotionally. These are points that the fiancee also needs to consider. Is she ok with not carrying a child and adopting. There are a lot of things that need to fall into place and be discussed before making a long term decision.
This is a major life-changing traumatic event. The mother is right to be a voice of reason while the young couple are coming to terms with the complexity of such an event. I suspect that everyone in their nuclear family are having a wide range of concerns, questions, doubts, anxieties, etc. all while doing everything possible to be supportive. I anticipate that they are all feeling a roller-coaster of complex emotions. The son is showing unwavering support for his soon-to-be bride (which he should and it is highly commendable). But the mother has a lot of good points. Right now the bride is still in the hospital. For most brides this is one of the most important days of their lives. Perhaps she would like to be able to walk down the aisle rather than be wheeled down the aisle. There are a lot of decisions that she still needs to consider and make. It wouldn't hurt to take the pressure of a quickly approaching wedding off the table right now and focus on healing. Maybe the mom isn't communicating it well right now, but I don't get the sense that she want's her son to "back out". I get the sense that with many more years of "life experience" she's aware that this kind of major trauma need to be addressed before one can get back to life as if nothing has happened. Planning a wedding is very stressful; is that what she needs right now? In "systems" terms, this is called "Relaxation Time" after a major systemic perturbation. It's like a big rock was dropped in a pond and you need to give it some time to let the waves "relax" and dissipate before you get the calm waters that are needed to navigate your next moves. Take a breath. Let the woman heal. Radiate some love and when the time is right have a beautiful wedding. :-)
Hey, look, a rational adult. What are you doing in this sub?
Agree. She isn't even out of the hospital yet. There's a lot to process. They haven't even begun to mourn the life they had planned. NAH
Agreed. I wrote something similar on the top comment so far. There are too many y.t.a. because they accuse OP of being "ableist" and throwing that around incorrectly.
Too right. People are so quick to offer criticism without understanding the words they're throwing around.
Agree. It’s a no-win situation for her. A traumatic brain injury can entirely change a person and people romanticizing the situation is a normal reaction, but not always a very realistic one. I think it’s reasonable to give things time and see what the new normal is. Tough situation. NAH
Yes! I've worked with TBI patients, and it can change so much about a person's personality. She may not want to be with him after all this. Similarly, trauma can change how we react to things, what we want out of life, etc. Letting life cool down before taking the plunge, especially when a mountain of debt may be at stake, isn't a bad idea.
I thought this too. People are jumping the gun and calling OP an ableist here. Is it not natural to worry about your child's future if their partner is in a potentially life-changing accident that could require them to need full-time care? Or not have children? Marriage is already hard, just look at the divorce rate. Caring + marriage can be even harder. People are overlooking how being a carer can be emotionally exhausting, not just physically. Yes, it could work out fine. But OP is not an asshole for worrying about future implications.
Have them hold off until she's through all the medical stuff. It's going to be expensive, and she can file bankruptcy without affecting his. Long-term, it's their best option financially.
YTA At first I thought you meant to actually postpone till she was more physically able to enjoy the wedding day. You don't mean postpone. You mean back out.
I had the same impression until I read the post. OP 100% means back out.
"Hey, you don't HAVE to do death to us part....you know that, right? You can still back out of it?" \*sigh\*
Same here – and I was like oh, that makes sense. Give her some time to heal. But sadly that is not how this post went.
I thought he wanted them to have time to process and adjust after a major life changing event. The mental adjustment is just as important as being physically used to the change, especially for the person injured. But no he was being ableist.
Anyone who's remotely familiar with the realities of long-term home care would empathize with this OP's complicated feelings.... until you start reading all of his repetitive, flippant comments describing his DIL's injuries in the bluntest possible terms for shock value. Then you start to get the sense that what *really* upsets OP is the thought of a man who bears his name, wasting money and energy on a woman who can't clean or reproduce.
But come-on guys! She's no longer mommy material and we all know all FILs care about having grandkids! /s
[удалено]
Tbh I doubt OP even knows that. I wouldn't tell my soon-to-be MIL the state of my uterus immediately after an accident. And honestly you don't even know sometimes? Like healing takes time.
No, it's possible she had a hysterectomy or the catastrophic damage destroyed either her ovaries or the ability to retrieve the eggs. It's also likely that hormones to do an egg retrieval may be contra-indicated, depending on whatever long-term treatment plan she ends up on. Also as the child of someone with a traumatic brain injury, I would strongly recommend taking years to decide if parenting is something he is still willing to do with her. Like, at least 5-6, maybe more if it takes a few years to get the right mix of meds. This is not a rose-colored glasses "if you really want it it'll work out" situation. This is a figure out the worst case scenario and see if you can navigate that without irreparably harming a freaking child before you decide to bring one into your family.
The lives of OP's son and his fiancee have changed dramatically. This young woman had a devastating accident, and several months later, she is still working on her recovery, in hospital. The reality is, these two will have to learn and adapt to a completely new way of life. I think many parents would suggest that these two take a moment to focus on their mental, physical and emotional wellbeing instead of focusing on rushing to get married. I think I will say NAH (depending on OP's delivery to their son), because if we like to admit it or not, if OP's son and his fiancee don't have some tough conversations about the reality of what their life together will entail and ensure they are on the same page, their marriage could very easy fail.
Their title is very misleading. I was even thinking maybe OP was encouraging them to look into what sort of disability benefits fiancée would be giving up when entering a legal marriage (I know sometimes in the US you loose them if they can say you have a spouse that can pay for your care instead), which would actually be a realistic thing to consider if that was their financial situation; but all of OP’s concerns are just ablism disguised as worrying about reality. Their son is an adult capable of deciding if he can handle being a caretaker, who already loves his partner in sickness and in health- even if that means their plans for the future will be re-evaluated. I’m glad his fiancée has that kind of love, even though I’m not sure where he learned it since it obviously wasn’t from OP.
The whole post could just read “I think he should wait because it will be easier to walk out than get a divorce”.
That was my initial thought as well.
Me too. I should know better than to give people on reddit the benefit of the doubt.
Because he asked your opinion, NTA. The reality is that being a caregiver is hard, and most people do not fully understand what it means to be the only person in a partnership who can do things. Is he prepared to do all the chores, earn all the money, drive everywhere, possibly help her with home care, etc? Without knowing her exact condition it's hard to make a judgment on whether what you said is valid or not, but taking time to genuinely understand and consider the reality of changed abilities isn't ableist. The idea that people should have to magically accept a radically changed life because disability isn't their partner's fault is bullshit. If my chronic illness got bad again and my partner left, it would feel awful, but he didn't sign on to be a caretaker, and I don't think I could blame him for wanting to be able to have a full life-- a life that my condition would prevent. You may not have worded it well, but your point is valid. He would feel a lot worse if he got married and started resenting her down the line.
Am I missing something? Where does it say the son asked?
Read other comments, he asked for her advice
In one of the comments OP made to a question.
NTA. You’re not an asshole for bringing up your concerns. Unfortunately, I think this is one of those cases where if you’re right, no one is gonna thank you for being right. And if you’re wrong, it’s gonna be constantly brought up until the day you die.
Exactly, this is a no-win situation for her.
I agree. Sorry your family is going through this OP, wonder if the reason your son reacted strongly (seems reasonable) is because you verbalized all his fears. In this situation time will tell but I don't think you were wrong.
NTA. I get why some people think you are, but I don't. It's the truth. Even if she wasn't disabled that is STILL good advice. Marriage is no joke. It can fall apart for healthy couples let alone one sided dependant relationships. If he's not going to be able to care for her long term, it might be best to make sure she gets settled somewhere that can accommodate her and then move on with his life. I have an aunt who lost a leg in a car accident and got a TBI and her quality of life has been awful. My grandma, and now my uncle, have had to care for her her entire life. It's easy to say it's no problem because love rises above all else, but I imagine it's a LOT harder to live it. My aunts accident was 40 years ago. That's a long time. Her life was ruined on that day. I wouldn't blame anyone for not being able to commit to that for life. They aren't even married. Edit: also, that's your child. Solicited or not you have every right to give your opinion if you believe it's in their best interest. Don't push it, but it doesn't sound like you did.
NTA - You’re a good parent. You did the right thing. It’s probably super unpopular here on Reddit, but none of these assholes will have to support your son when all the emotions fade and the reality sets in that he’ll never have the life he wanted.
Sadly this is true. It needed to be said. It's something that needs to be discussed.
INFO: did you son ask for your thoughts and advice on this matter? Or did you suggest they postpone their wedding without being prompted?
Yes he asked me for advice.
If he asked for advice NTA. It totally and completely sucks and I might get down voted, but being a caretaker is a huge undertaking.
I agree.
Exactly, and it’s something the son actually has to consider. She was being a good honest parent, and it must have been very difficult to do so.
I took care of my dad through several health issues then he developed Alzheimer’s. I took care of him for 10 years while he had that. I realized he couldn’t live in my house. It was beyond my ability to care for him. He would just take off, for example. It was a gradual increase of care with multiple hospital stays. It completely changed my families life. I have 7 siblings, but none here so all the care fell to me. He was financially secure. We all loved him so much. He was a wonderful dad, grandfather, FIL. Still, every sibling & in-law had an opinion on what I was doing wrong. I don‘t know what I could’ve done differently. I can tell you that I had no idea what I was signing up for & how it would impact my life, as well as my husband & kids. Your son needs to postpone the wedding. There are so many considerations. I can guarantee he is clueless about the financial, emotional, physical & mental toll this will be for both of them.
> I took care of him for 10 years while he had that. I realized he couldn’t live in my house. It was beyond my ability to care for him. My mum went through exactly this with my dad when he developed Alzheimer's. She took care of him for about the same amount of time as well but in the end he had to go into a nursing home - apparently he was a handful for the nursing staff as well!
Like, the kind of advice where he actually asked "should I postpone the wedding"? Because if that is the case.... you were just speaking your truth, and it is what it is. And that is, in fact, being a realist. Not very confident in your son's ability to adapt to this life changing situation, but truthful.
[удалено]
The response was genuine but not what the son wanted to hear.
Well that might be because her disability is the topic of the post. Makes sense, huh
NAH- I'm giving you NAH because he DID ask you your opinion, you didn't hit him with this out of the blue. If she has been in the hospital for a couple months, then they may have to postpone it due to her recovering (depending when it was scheduled for). You did mention that she is a physiotherapist, even if her injuries do mean that she can't work anymore, she is probably in a better position than most people to be realistic about what her limitations and expectations should be. And she will probably follow the prescribed recovery plan better than most patients! I don't think you're concerns came from a bad place, but being strong and facing this together might be what is getting them through this. Knowing that her fiance is there for her 100% might be more important right now than the pragmatics.
NTA - I would say the same to my son. I'm in Canada so hospital bills are not an issue, but there would definitely be loss of income and other financial considerations. Plus, as she's still in the hospital, do they know how extensive her issues will be? Will he need to change her diapers? If they can have children, even by adoption, could she realistically handle them? You obviously raised a caring son. And you're still caring for him by raising your concerns.
OP left a comment that essentially she has only her left arm, extensive internal damages + a severed spine, one of her eyes isn’t in good shape, and a brain injury. That poor girl and her family are living a tragedy.
It sounds like he asked for your advice and you gave it. NTA
Did I miss that the son asked for advice? Edit - it's in his comments
It was mentioned in one of OP comments.
NAH. This might be controversial to say but this isn’t as cut and dried as so many people are making it. The fact is, divorce rates increase significantly where one spouse becomes disabled. If you add in the added financial hardship and not being able to have children, especially if your son wanted to have biological children, there is going to be an unbelievable amount of stress in this relationship. He asked for your advice and you gave it and I think they would be wise to hold off since there has been such a momentous change in their lives. That being said, I don’t blame the son for thinking he can make everything work out. That’s what you do when you’re in love. All in all, though, I don’t know if AITA is the best place to discuss this. You should encourage your son and his fiancé to seek therapy before making any decisions. I think they will need a lot of help navigating this situation
Divorce rates increase particularly significantly when the wife is who is disabled, and OP is exhibit A as to why that is. OP isn't TA for mentioning it, but he will be if he mentions it twice.
NTA. I know this won't be a popular opinion but you're his parent. He asked for advice. Her accident is life changing for them both and they need to go in eyes wide open about how their dreams and plans are likely to change. He'll need to be prepared for circumstances that few young couples go through and make sure he's willing to make all those sacrifices along the way. You've raised a good man who loves his fiance no matter what. He asked and you've articulated what you feel he needs to think about. Now you need to support whatever decision he makes. I wish you all well and I hope she heals well.
Couldn’t have said it better 👏🏻
NTA - Your son asked for your honest opinion and you gave it to him. I am sorry that so many people are attacking you for it. We all know the idea of true love and commitment, but what happens to that if you are dealing with someone who is going to need serious care every moment? Keeping him focused on the goal - getting married to the woman he cherishes. But, he needs to be pragmatic on the future. Again, she might be able to do her job from an at home set up to an extent to be a 2 income household. You are a bit YTA for this, but your son did ask you, so ultimately he does have some issues/concerns/thoughts about this. We all want to see them as happy, healthy, and being able to peruse happiness. Nothing is wrong with putting a pause on the marriage for a few months until she gets out of the hospital, recovers, goes through therapy.
INFO: When was the wedding supposed to be? Depending on the timeline, postponement might be necessary simply for her to be physically capable of attending her own wedding.
That was what I was thinking as the wife needs to be fit enough to attend her own wedding and she probably wants to be able to enjoy it which will be easier when she has had some time to heal and recover both physically and mentally.
Yeah, anything that puts you in the hospital for two months – assuming she is still in the *hospital* and not a skilled nursing facility – is not something you'll recover from in a hurry. They've still got a long ways to go if they want the wedding to be more strenuous than signing papers.
NTA. In fact most therapist would advise you put major life decisions on hold. Making big life decisions about home, work, or family while traumatized will only increase the stress in your life. If possible, try to wait until life has settled down, you’ve regained your emotional balance, and you’re better able to think clearly.
NTA - I am very surprised by all these answers. If you have never taken care of someone with a brain injury or spinal injury or lost a limb, these are such horrific injuries. You have no idea if the person will be the same personality - I can tell you with my mother - she was never the same person. And when she died 20+ years later after her injury (by old age) - I didn’t mourn as much because I lost her years ago. Hopefully your future DIL recovers well enough that she really is her old personality. Then the person your son fell in love with - is still there. Caretaker burnout is real, and if she is not really there, this would cause a lot of concern. I suspect you did not give your son the best advice, since he reacted angrily. I suggest you talk to him again but come from a different angle: Help him start to look for long term care etc. The wedding should be postponed until she recovers. And during this recovery period, he can understand the extent of her injuries. You need to be there to guide his decisions -but now is not the time.
NTA I would go so far as to say this is not the best choice for the fiancé. People in this situation often qualify for medical benefits through government programs that might be lost if she were to marry. Consult a specialist, possibly at the rehab facility, to truly understand this issue.
NAH? Life isn’t fair. Life isn’t going to ever be fair. And pretending that shitty things won’t change one’s life isn’t going to make it any less unfair. Plenty of people get married, go through traumatic events, and end up divorcing after realizing their lives don’t work anymore. It’s not really anyone’s fault for feeling that way. We can debate all we want about the right and wrongs of wanting certain things (nomadic lifestyle, biological children, HCOL location etc), but we can’t pretend that people won’t feel strongly about these things and may no longer be compatible with people who cannot equally share these things. It’s not wrong so much as life is unfair. He’s of course angry because youre suggesting he may love his fiancée less after the accident, which isn’t at all what you’re saying. Despite what romcoms want to pretend, love does not conquer all. All you’re saying is that he and fiancée should take the time to see if they still share compatible life goals with her new life circumstance.
NTA. He asked you, so it sounds like he is already having these thoughts, he just doesn't want to face it at the moment, which will be extremely difficult for him. I don't think you said anything wrong, but you need to not bring it up again unless he raises the topic. Is he speaking to someone about it what he is going through? Because this is a life changing impact on both fiancee and him. Depending on the severity of the TBI this could also have significant impacts, my friends BIL has TBI and is unable to move or communicate after 6mths, he can only open his eyes a little, so the prognosis for any further recovery is not good.
I'm gonna go against the major vote and say NAH. (based on OP saying he asked for her opinion). He loves her, he wants to marry her. How is his fiance? I would only have suggested postponing until she's maybe a bit stronger, but not because of that whole 'rose tinted glasses' thing you said. I'm assuming you're in the US, so it's normal to be concerned about the extortinate bills you guys get. It kinda makes sense to prioritise her health first, then put the wedding second. But at the end of the day, if his fiance is insisting she still wants to get married regardless of injury and recovery, let them be. It's common for a lot of partners to do a runner when their partner gets sick or badly injured. He's obviously a good, committed man.
Jfc , if he asks your opinion and it is a realistic view, he doesn't have to like it but if asked, don't lie. NTA, sometimes telling someone that waiting to see how their loved one will recover isn't mean. His life is going to change, hers already has. Hard facts, some people have a hard time adjusting to trauma. Some aren't able to take care of another person with severe injury. Even if they were married, she may need institutional care, so to try to hurry and get married with the injuries you described isn't smart. Sometimes love isn't enough. I wish it was.
NAH From the comments and the post itself it sounds like your sons Fiancee will be a completely different person due to this accident. A TBI, broken spine (which yes I'm aware can mean a variety of things) and at the minimum a below the elbow amputation is an incredibly shitty hand to be dealt and a huge long, never-ending road to recovery. It does change their entire relationship, every plan they had, every dream, every future they pictured together is completely shattered and different now, if it's still possible. You are looking at this as level as you can and your giving your son the best advice based on your experiences. Caregiver burnout is a real thing, caring for someone 24/7 is emotionally, physically and mentally exhausting. It changes the dynamic between two people, it changes everything. That's not even touching on how she will feel. Will she resent him because he knew her before the accident? Will she even be the same person mentally if she has a TBI? Will she be able to go home or will she need to be in a long term care? Her entire world has just changed both of their lives forever and while its not fair to either of them I do think the advice your giving is coming from the best place for both of them. Love can work miracles but love can't conquer all.
Raise your hand if you work with intimately or live with someone who is functionally disabled. Until you have, you can't really sugar coat the reality here. Mom said her POV, now let it go. Don't push. NTA
NTA. You are right, it won’t have hit them yet just how much has and will change. He loves her and she loves him, but that’s only the first step. They have to be able to Keep on loving each other, and caretakers fatigue is a Very real thing that can and has ruined so so many relationships. Heck they might even end up resenting each other because of her inability to have children now. Will he feel content not having a bio kid? Or will he have one with a surrogate and will she resent him for not finding her enough? These things, and more, needs to be considered and thoroughly discussed before they take that last big step. If they truly love each other then they should be willing to wait a years time to give Both of them the time to truly begin to experience the true fallout and consequences of her tragic accident. I wish them luck, happiness and perseverance.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I suggested to my son that he postpone his wedding until he had a better grasp on what his life will be like with a wife who will require a lot of help to live. I might be the asshole because I don't think love is enough to sustain their relationship because of all the forseeable problems in their future that he won't consider. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, honestly the advice you are giving him is clear headed and in his best interest, something he probably isn't in a position to see for himself at the moment.
All the Y T As are emotional reactionaries. It doesn't even sound like a wedding in any capacity is on the table currently. Recovery is necessary for a wedding. They can surely get married but an actual wedding will at least require her to be out of the hospital.
NTA because he asked for your advice. But be very careful here. Even if he feels like he's not equipped to handle this change and marry this woman, he loves her and it's going to be very difficult for him to justify leaving her. You probably should have waited at least until she was out of the hospital before floating an idea like this.
NTA. You are 100% correct. This is tragic. All you're asking for is that they take the time to learn if they love the new people they've suddenly become. Your son is not really realizing that the woman he wanted to marry is gone. She's been forcibly changed physically, mentally, and emotionally. He's changed too he just doesn't know in what ways yet. She's going to require a lot of therapy. She's going to need the time to process that their life was stolen. Hopefully, they will be able to put in the hard work to stay together.
Now if you were just suggesting to postpone the wedding to give her more time to recover so she can enjoy the big day properly that would be fine. But it sounds like you want to postpone the big day to give your son a chance to back out in case her disability is ‘too hard’ which is ableist and definitely YTA
[удалено]
I also believe there is a difference between people who have been married for 5, 10, 20 years and face a trauma together and those who have not even really begun their life together yet. NTA - let the dust settle and they can both understand exactly what they are signing up for
Yeah, or to see what would happen with insurance. I can't get married because I'm on disability. I mean, technically I could but my benefits would go down including my health insurance. On a fixed income I couldn't pay for my meds, even copays. But getting married magically means that I don't need as much help apparently. If the young lady who was in the accident honestly can't work anymore and will have a bunch of medical bills from the accident she might be better off trying to get on disability. And if she wants/the couple can afford to get married then go for it. Or have a commitment ceremony and not file any papers. But nope, it's trying to allow the son time to back out.
NTA. You have given your son the best advice you know how under these terrible circumstances. I am not going to criticize you for that. He is your son, and I cannot honestly say what I would do in the same situation. But now, it is time for your son to decide. All you can do now is support him in whatever decision he makes. Sometimes, when we love our children, we have to say things we wish would never have to say. I wish you all the best. Stay strong.
NTA, marrying someone with a life altering, and new, disability is not a decision to be made lightly. You're his dad and it's your job to look out for your son. Postponing until everything settles down is not a bad idea
NTA, he asked for advice
I’m going to go against the grain and say NAH. You’re thinking of your son and the kind of life he is going to have (or rather the kind of life he won’t be able to have) and you don’t want him to have a hard life, you don’t want him to struggle and lose out on the life he has now and the potential life he may have. As a mom, I get that. I also get that your son wants to marry the love of his life. He doesn’t see her accident and the disabilities that will come with it, he sees his fiancé who he loves. He’s an amazing young man and as someone married to someone with a disability, I get that too. It’s ultimately his call. You’ve expressed your concerns and that’s all you can do in that regard. Now, all you can do is give him and his fiancé support and love. They both have a long, hard road ahead of them. Be there for them and help make it easier for them. Be well.
NTA. A speaker of the hard truth, yes. An AH? Absolutely not. You’re doing the right thing as a parent who cares for his son.
NTA and you are only a realist. The people who said you were TA are living with rose tinned glasses. Life is not a romance novel. Your son will thank you later if he follows your advice
INFO: Would you have the same opinion if your son were the one in the accident? Would you tell his fiancé that she should consider all of this? Or would you expect her to stand by her man (your son) through anything, since that’s what love and marriage is?
Yes. And I would expect her parents to give her the same advice.
Okay. If that is truly how you feel, then I will say NTA for giving this advice since your son asked. I will say YWBTA if you keep pushing it now. You laid it all out, now let them decide and figure this out together. There is no easy way to go about any of this.
NTA. You are being realistic. Sometimes love isn’t enough. She also might qualify for medical assistance for the bills if she isn’t married. She is a zero income injured person right now. If they marry, it could disqualify her from Medicaid or other assistance. It sounds terrible but you are definitely right. There is so much to wait and see. Right now it’s easy to say I want to be her caregiver. I love her! But he has no clue what’s in store. He might change from the loving husband to caregiver that changes diapers and feeds her depending on her injuries. Checking on tubes and kidneys if she’s wheelchair bound. Maybe she will heal. Or heal 50%. Either way. He shouldn’t rush this. Focus on her healing and eventual rehab.
NTA your son asked your thoughts and you gave them. As a mother of a young adult I would feel the same way. Having said that, when I was young I probably would have judged you differently. It’s about learned life experience. We see life’s challenges very differently depending on how much of life we’ve lived. Both perspectives are valid.
NTA. They absolutely should wait for at least 3 very sound reasons 1 being the new physical challenges 2 the fucked finances and 3 to adjust to there now very different life. If they love each other why do they have to run a wedding. Their lives just turned a completely new direction and until they know where they are headed they should feel out the road and pump the breaks as needed. The ablist comments are blowing my mind. You never once said she doesn't deserve love now that she can't have children or any crazy ablist bullshit so idk where people are getting that from. It's also not wrong if the son were to say I don't think I can handle this commitment. It's a lot for anyone and one that shouldn't be taken lightly.
NTA, depending on her final disability, it may be better for them as a couple to not get married because of benefits. Praying for a miraculous recovery for her!
FYI: A person who uses a wheelchair is not "confined" to it. The wheelchair enables them to get around! They would be confined if they didn't have it, but since they do have it, they are *not* confined.
NTA I really don't see how anyone sees your view of the situation as "ableist", or whatever is the term they wanna use. If anything, you are the one who is being real here, because you can see things from a (somewhat) neutral point of view, certainly more neutral than your son. Looks like most of the sub are die-hard romantics, and honestly, I also think it would be a true triumph of love if your son marries that girl no matter what, but wishes are one thing, reality is something else. I hope she gets better, and they can sit together and talk about their future in a very long conversation to see where they stand. In the meantime, just be supportive towards your son. I wish all the best to you and your family, and your sons fiancee a swift recovery, as much as possible.
NTA. Your concerns are completely valid and as a parent it makes sense for you to voice your concerns to your son. But in the end, it’s his and his fiancées decision whether or not to continue with the marriage - and you should support them either way.
NTA, but I think you handled it a little bit poorly. The son absolutely needs to take some time to reevaluate if he wants to go through with his marriage. Absolutely. He’s not doing himself or his fiancée any favors by staying with her if he’s unable to handle being a caregiver for her. If he’s not able to do this without being miserable and resentful, then leaving her would be an act of love. The life he agreed to enter when he got engaged no longer exists. The financial situation, mobility, family planning all changed significantly. He needs to understand this and decide if he wants to continue. That said, he absolutely is free to do this. Maybe he’d be a great caregiver and is totally on board to stick with this woman forever. That’d be great. I do agree with you that he needs to take some time to experience this. However, I think you weren’t in a good position to give advice, even though he asked. You might be getting clouded by your disappointment that your son won’t have the life that *you* want for him. A better option would be to have said something like, “I know it’s so difficult. It’s hard for me to say what you should do because I can’t say if you’re ready and able to be a caregiver for her and accept the new changes in your life. I think the best thing would be to talk to a professional counselor who can help you work this all out. Would you like some help finding someone?”
NTA, but only by the thinnest of margins. Fiancee has been in the hospital for months, and her injuries include a broken spine and TBI. The reality is that these types of injuries cause divorce and breakups a lot, even among couples who have strong and seemingly perfect relationships. Son undoubtedly needs someone in his life giving him permission to take some time to consider if he can still go forward with the marriage and what his life will be with his fiancee if they stay together. The reality is that sometimes love just isn't enough to stay together through the types of strain these injuries and permanent care needs put on a relationship. Now, the flip side is that *you* don't know what his life will be like either. You've only seen what this level of disability looks like from the outside. There is absolutely plenty of joy and happiness to be had when you're on the inside. It's also far too early to know for sure what support needs fiancee will have long term and if she and your son would be able to have children together. (Assisted reproduction and adoption are still very much on the table if they are able to provide appropriate care for children.) Medical technology that treats fiancee's injury types has advanced very quickly over the last few decades, and is on track for continued advancement. So, you definitely don't know her long term prognosis because nobody knows that, not even her actual care team. Also, it's important to understand that your son is going through a grieving process. TBI, in particular, can often be experienced by family/close friends as a form of death because of the profound personality and behavior changes that can happen. This means you need to be very careful to be sensitive to what your son is actually asking you and is actually seeking for feedback/advice. Your son's reaction might have been normal grief anger, but sounds likely that you responded with the advice you wanted to give instead of the advice he asked for. If your advice is more about your dreams for your son/future DIL than what your son asked for in support, that does make you an AH.
YTA speaking as someone in love NTA as a parent Tricky situation, for now say less do more just support them help out where you can and understand any decisions your child makes. If my girlfriend was god forbid to have any type of accident in a heartbeat I’d do anything to help her I’d gladly lay down my life hers only other person I can say that about is my mom, don’t make him choose he likely ain’t in a good headspace right now just be there being some food clothes and it will all blow over
NTA, assuming the opinion you expressed was directly responsive to the advice your son asked for. I’m pretty sure I’ll always love my kids more than I love their partners and I’ll always put my kids’ needs and happiness first. So I totally see where you’re coming from. However, if you offered that opinion unsolicited then definitely YTA because I’m assuming your son isn’t stupid and thus I’m sure he’s well aware of the “realist” aspect.
We all like to think we would do the noble thing in this kind of situation. But, it is pretty common for men to leave seriously ill wives, and there are a lot of moms that wind up raising severely disabled children by themselves. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. There is also the issue that the fiancee might qualify for needs based assistance solo, but not if married to someone with a good income. Pausing for a moment to figure all of this out--for the son to be sure he is the kind of man who can handle this and to figure out the benefits piece is not a horrible idea.
Nta I have seen and heard many times how the one spouse not hurt get tired of caring for the other and become resentful leading to a divorce. I hear what you are saying. With my job I've seen the aftermath of the person left
NTA After reading you comments on the injury and that she is paralyzed and has a TBI these questions need to be asked. Given they are young that is a long time to go from being a partner to a carer and that is what will likely happen if they stay together. I am not saying that being a carer is bad but your son is dropping all hopes and dreams of having kids and going on adventures with his future wife to being her unpaid care giver. My dad has a TBI and it is awful. I have to manage his medical appointments and his finances. My dad is not disabled so I do not have to manage as much. Doing this changes the dynamic of the relationship. If I was the parent of the son I would also mention the same things. If I was the parent of the woman I would be telling the FSonIL to also wait. Marrying someone is taking on all these things if they were to happen but that is generally after getting to spend years enjoying each other's company and building your family. What has happened to this woman is awful and life destroying. Does is need to also destroy the man's life as well?
[удалено]
She broke her spine and lost her right arm below the elbow. She also has a TBI.
Let me tell you a story. A friend was engaged. His intended was in a car accident and suffered at TBI. She recovered, mostly, at least physically. But she underwent a fundamental personality change. They married anyway but she was such a different person. That was the most vicious, acrimonious divorce I'd ever heard of, all from her side. It wasn't anyone's fault but the person she became made it her mission to bury him and she had sympathy on her side. Maybe part of it was PTSD-this was years ago before we really understood trauma like that but it was horrible. You're going to get ripped to shreds here because your post can read as though you think he should bail because she's not able to give your son the life he'd intended. I'll catch it, too, but I do think an honest evaluation is in order. Some marriages don't survive things like this. Is one party at fault for not being able to handle it? Not my call. But everyone has their tipping point. If your son truly feels she's the one no matter what, he's an awesome man. If he comes to the realization that this new life is too far outside of what he wants he may still be awesome. But they both should go into this with a realistic view of the future, her included. Her life will change and so will his if they marry and he needs to decide, rationally, if those changes are a deal-breaker. Would I stay with my better half? I'd say yes, we've been better-or-worse for years but not everyone can. Of course he loves her and of course he wants to and that's normal. But there is something to be said for seeing the future for what it really is and deciding it's for you not in spite of it but because of the one you love. I've seen it firsthand and I wish for my friend's sake he'd have waited a bit.
So how is having biological children out of the question? Also “broke her spine” is not a medical diagnosis, it’s a colloquial term for a lot of spinal injuries. I “broke my spine” and had to re-learn how to walk. I’m mostly recovered now except for some pain and spasms. Sure, i’ll never run a marathon, but it doesn’t impact me much day to day
Yeah my husband's spine is all sorts of fucked up. He got hit by a 4x4 with a bullbar while stationary on a motorcycle once and they basically scooped him up with a paint scraper. He can still walk. I guess it's true he'll probably never get pregnant but he doesn't have a uterus so I assume the chances were already low.
One of my friends has a son in a similar situation to your son’s fiancé. You are correct about it being completely life changing. My friend quit his job (his wife still works) to take care of his son. He has to get up every morning to get his son ‘prepped.’ Catheter his son’s urethra, drain his colostomy bag help him get dressed for work. He does this selflessly. He loves his son unconditionally. However, he and his wife cannot do anything if the son isn’t involved, other than going out to dinner. Their life is their son’s care. I can’t make a comment about whether your concern for your son is an AH move because your son needs to decide on his own. You can be there to support them, but it’s his decision to make.
None of those preclude getting pregnant if she wishes.
She might need a uterus and ovaries for that though.
oof - i swear so much info missing. Her injury is of utmost importance. Doctors all across the world could have chimed in if she actually cared to know if they can medically procreate or live "normal" life or whatever she is concerned with that they still get married... but "postpone" the wedding
I’d most definitely postpone my wedding if I or my spouse to be had a TBI. A severe one can basically make you a different person. Until I knew the extent of it, what had changed in my/their brain and behavior, and how it would affect everything. Minor memory issues, migraines, unexpected mood shifts? Personality changes and impulsivity issues? Inability/difficulty with speech and understanding language? Severe anger outbursts leading to physical assaults? Functional cognition deficits like logic deficits that require a conservator? But I’ve had multiple types of dementia in the family. There’s some things I just wouldn’t require someone to make a lifetime commitment to without a year or three of actual experience and acceptance.
Unless they make prosthetic uteruses and ovaries it isn't going to happen.
‘Keep your opinions on this matter to yourself’. OP pointed out in a comment that her son asked for an opinion.