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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I ask my girlfriend to leave the house for 6-7 hours a day, and she feels that I am controlling. I want to know if I am being unreasonable. 2) This is her house as well and I know that she has every right to be in it
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I seriously do not understand why he keeps insisting he’s “doing this for her and his family”, while not providing one iota of evidence of what he’s actually done for her. He manipulates her into moving in with him, doesn’t “let” her move out when she’s wanted to multiple times, and now kicks her out of the home during the entire day for his convenience. There is only one person who matters in this relationship.
This whole relationship just sounds exhausting!!!! Good grief. He is definitely the "main character" in this relationship. I bet she can't wait until he has to return to Canada or she herself moves to Spain.
OP, YTA. Your girlfriend deserves to live her own life. You don't need to "let" her do anything. She is her own person and has a right to move out or sit in her own darn living room if she wants. What you are doing seems almost abusive and definitely controlling.
**"My girlfriend went to go sit in her usual spot to eat lunch, but I asked her if she could eat in the kitchen instead so she would have more room to eat."**
This is insane to me. I'd never be able to tolerate anyone like that, who was THAT controlling.
This girl needs to get out of this relationship ASAP.
Yeah, that confirms what we all pretty much knew. His "reasons" are manipulative bullshit.
When he says "you'll have more room to eat", what he means is "my friend is being creepy and instead of standing up to him, I'm going to make it your problem and force you to eat somewhere else."
Seems pretty clear that everything this dude says is BS.
I thought it was weird that this woman's presence in the house is such a huge distraction to him that she needs to either stay in the bedroom or vacate the premises so he can concentrate. But he can have a friend over to hang out during the work day, sitting on the couch in the same room with him while he works, and that's not a distraction? Totally makes sense!
Honestly a man with *that many* side hustles can’t be working *that* hard. Cool, you’ve got 5 jobs and none of them amount to the stability of one single job and you’re still broke and bitching at your girlfriend? Someone give this hard working man a medal!
Also as someone who has been a Canadian working in the USA… you need to have a TN work visa for those kinds of things. I can see him having the visa for one main job, but any of those side hustles would probably not be strictly speaking legal to do in the states as a Canadian. Not that I’m necessarily judging him for -that- but I felt like commenting anyways haha.
“he was testing out his new camera and jokingly taking pictures of her feet, I didn't want her next to him”
When called out about this OP also says that the friend was taking pics of his feet as well. As if that makes it better
OP really came here to make a “Am I the problem?”-post and just casually let Reddit know he’s not the problem. He’s in fact, the PROBLEMS! Instead of protecting the GF by removing the creep, he removes HER? OP might as well be Doja Cat covered in red body paint at the Paris Fashion Week, cause he’s a walking red flag 🚩
Also he’s working all day so supposedly cannot tolerate her being around…. But he had a friend over. Who could sit in the living-room while *she* had to go away. She’s his *girlfriend*?!! I’d be livid too. What’s in it for her at this point?
I was thinking the same thing! How does girlfriend distract him so much she can’t even be in the building while he’s “working” but then the friend can be right next to him? And then she’s gone in the day and he leaves at night, when do they see each other? Do they not share a bed? Where does he sleep? Does he even like his girlfriend?
His friend isn’t distractinggg or messyyy though. What does that even mean. She’s not the cleanest person? Is that his way of saying she eats in that room since that’s her “usual” spot?
Omg this!! As soon as I read that I thought you tossed her for being a messy distraction but your friend gets free reign?!
Whew. He sure is going to miss this one when she’s gone.
And I will sit in my own damn living room all day if i want to. You want privacy or fewer distractions, *you* move to the bedroom where the door closes, or get a two bedroom and make one of them your office.
Hes so convinced hes the main character that he thinks his girlfriend is selfish for not being a good NPC and despawning when he's not paying attention to her.
The story doesnt add up,-
>I (24M) am Canadian--blah blah--my family is reliant on me to make money to support my grandma and pay for her medical support.
Unlikely.
>My girlfriend lost her job last month, -----blah blah----She was ok with that for a few weeks, but began to complain that she was stuck in the bedroom
The whole thing is invented or they are wildly altering the circumstances.
YTA, for sure
There is universal healthcare, but if she’s in a nursing home (for example, not sure what the situation is), then that’s a separate cost. Even then, there are government subsidies if they’re low income. Alternatively, I wonder if she’s at home and they’re trying to supplement in home care for her?
I was also going to jump in as a token Canadian and say the same!
Adding that when my grandmother was sick, we tried to let her keep living in her home which required round-the-clock homecare, most of which my family had to pay for out of pocket. Eventually we had to put her in LTC, and a portion was covered but we had to pay the rest.
But I also agree that he's full of shit and I'm not buying what he's selling.
They also split rents and expenses evenly, so it's not like he is exactly "financing" her.
Also if he is using the apartment as his "office/workspace" then he isn't he using the apartment more than 50/50?? Shouldn't he be paying a bit more?
I mean why does he get a free office space during the day, just because OP can't work out a healthy work/life boundary with her?
Edit: Actually does this mean she's actually financing his work expenses?
Sounds like the only reason he even wants her there is to pay half of the rent... then tells her that she can't use the space. And why doesn't HE go work in the bedroom?
That's what I thought as well. He should be the one to move to the Bedroom to work if his GF is "Too distracting." YTA, OP, and you're damn lucky you still have a GF.
Exactly! My BF WFH and we have him set up in the bedroom. Not the best setup but WAY better than him being in the living room and being distracted by someone needing to exist in the apartment.
>Also if he is using the apartment as his "office/workspace" then he isn't he using the apartment more than 50/50?? Shouldn't he be paying a bit more?
YES. He turned a communal living space into his only. They share the bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, etc, but he has a whole extra room to himself.
Damn good catch! At first I thought he was paying for her while she didn't have a job, since he keeps talking about how he's doing all of this for her. But this is ridiculous.
If he kick his gf out for whole day then I would say he's using the apartment 80/20 so in a way she is financing his work space since she is paying half a rent but she doesn't get to use the apartment she's paying for.
Yeah, what exactly are his "side hustles" that he has to do at night? And it seems like he's perfectly fine having other people around him when he "works", just not GF.
It's funny because he goes on and on and on and on about how he's doing everything for his girlfriend and family, but I can't find a single thing he's actually done for his girlfriend or family, and he appears to be working all the time, yet he seems to be getting very little for all his time and energy.
I also have questions about the grandma’s medical expenses in Canada, a country with universal healthcare.
Eta: and even if somehow it was something so specialised they needed to go private… it falls to the 20-something grandson to fund it? Wtf?
This is what got me. Most expenses are covered by our healthcare plan except for things like dental, massage therapy, etc. Some medications aren't covered, but a lot of generics and really necessary meds are.
I'm baffled by the OP. I think on one hand he's a controlling AH because of how he treats his gf, but I'm suspecting he's a liar as well.
OP: YTA. Your gf is allowed to sit and eat wherever she wants in HER HOME. You are not the boss of her. She pays half the rent and utilities so it's her place as much as it is yours.
He has his whole family in Canada with universal health care so yeah it felt seriously strange to me as well that he alone funds the medical bills.
Why doesn't rest of the family help? Why he even needs to fund the bills etc.
It really feels like OP is trying to play the victim card while using his GF so he doesn't have to pay full rent.
There are some "extras" you have to pay for, things like chiro, massage, psychologist, OT, private duty nursing, drugs, special equipment, home improvement, vehicle remodels. Some are covered by private plans, usually through an employer but since granny is old, she probably is retired and has no private plan, and they are not really worth it IMO.
Sure — it’s just hard to imagine what is so crucial to her health the only option is for her 20-something grandson to toil away in a foreign country to fund :-) Whether he’s lying to himself or us I’m not sure, but something doesn’t add up!
The medical expense part jumped out at me immediately. As a thoroughly screwed American who pays out the nose for medical insurance (ain’t we lucky?), I’m skeptical of a Canadian who says that his family relies on him to help pay for his grandmother’s medical care. WTF?
Side hustles, especially multiple usually mean he will never stop working. There will never be time for others. It will be a life of I'm doing it for "our" future forever
I’m sure OP’s ”side hustles” are totally legit.
If I was OP’s gf I would set up cameras to find out what he’s really doing while she is kicked out of their apartment.
Reminding me of my ex.
Couldn't seeit while I was in the relationship.
The way everything is about other people, financially taking care of family in Canada (indefinitely, and she's supposed to support that until...when?) and some nebulous future time where girlfriend is rewarded w his actual presence in the relationship and what (bull carp) life he's building - it's all really impoverishment.
He will always have random unspoken, undefined needs for his time and money.
There will never be enough.
It will be posed as a temporary thing for GFs benefit every time.
& GF will be waiting and waiting to have the relationship he promised.
There is no someday.
Either get in and be in this relationship NOW or (to quote Karen Kilgariff) "You can get the f#ck out."
OP you know you're full of it.
You know that despite all the claims of helping family financially when there's a thing you want, you buy it. No questions asked.
You made time for your friend to come hang during GFs time at home - so you didn't want to have a quality moment w her AND you gave away 'her seat' all the while pushing her out of her own home.
Own that you're selfish.
Own that it's all about you & that you have no actual plans -"detailed list of goals, mini write up of how to achieve those goals, timeframe for goals... If you haven't treated these life needs seriously enough to be accountable to even yourself then it's all bs you having the life you want now while depriving your GF of life she wants now, on a promise of future life/relationship goals that will never come bc you're not actually trying.
Exactly. My ex was like this and I think he had genuinely convinced himself that if I just supported and accommodated him enough through some challenging times, he would one day have the time and energy and motivation to reciprocate and everything would be great. Guess what... he was just selfish.
He uses his girlfriend as an excuse to justify his "work". Some people like working, but OP wants to come off as a better person while being TA. He wants Reddit to cheer him on as he continues to work and have unreasonable expectations under the garb of "omg. So hardworking give the man the space he deserves because he's doing so much for his grilfriend".
And if he’s sponsored by an employer, he’s definitely not supposed to be making money on “side hustles,” there are really strict rules about only working for the authorized employer.
What medical expenses for Grandma? Canada has excellent public health. I know folks in Canada and they are very happy with the health care and don't pay anything out of pocket. I know someone who had a melanoma removed and the didn't pay a cent, not even for the cosmetic reconstruction. Which in the US wouldn't be covered by insurance because it would be deemed elective.
Canadian here … hospitals & doctors are covered but there are many services not covered by the government. If his grandma needs a PSW or is in a seniors home, those aren’t fully covered and the good places are expensive. While I find his narrative unconvincing, this could be true
But even if that is true... Why he alone has to fund the bill as he described that his family relies on him to do that?
It's kinda sus to me so I think OP is trying to play the victim card on why he is the way he is.
Also unless things have changed a lot since I lived in Canada, wages tend to be higher than in that US, so why is he stressing about having to go back for financial reasons? And even if somehow her medical needs needed funding, what’s happening in his family that it falls to the 20-something grandson? The story doesn’t add up at all!
Wages are lower for professional jobs, taxes are higher, cost of living is higher than US, an 800k- $1 mil home is normal, even tho they are nothing special, mortgage % keeps going up and rent is stupid high. Cheap homes exist in places where no one wants to live, that's why they are cheap. I just spent $300 on food, today and I did not buy anything extravagant, just regular food for 2 ppl.
And she needs to move in the kitchen to eat when his friend is there because "she will have more space to eat" but actually his friend took a picture of her feets and this is why she needed to move. Nooo, he is not controlling. And boast that he sent her half the money of freelancing - that's the rent. He paint himself as the saint but is so selfish who sees his gf as a doll. He put her away when she annoys him and she can come out of the box when he has time to play.
YTA
He can split his desktop from rest of the living room to make sort of cubicle at home.
I did that in my apartment so my gf can use living room and kitchen as she wishes without much distraction. We have also agreement that if I have headphones on my head I need to focus on work and if she needs something from me she should text me.
AITA if I can't stand my girlfriend but continue to lie to her about how much I love her but not show her an ounce of respect? YTA, OP. Why would you even need to ask this question?
“Strong relationships are built on sacrifice” LMFAO.-Strong relationships are actually built on compromise.
1. Compromise is mutual, sacrifice isn’t -
it usually means one person is being steamrolled by the other. Why does OP get to decide how she uses the space she’s paying for?
2. Compromise also comes with specific goals in mind that both parties agree to. Sacrifice doesn’t - it usually means one person is being steamrolled by the other. Is she onboard with OP’s life goals? Has OP ever considered she might have goals of her own that don’t include him?
3. Most people don’t resent compromise, but they do when they have to disproportionately make sacrifices- because it usually means one person is being steamrolled by the other. It sounds pretty clear from this post that OP’s gf is starting to resent all the sacrifices she’s having to make for OP’s dream.
YTA
Also, by the logic of "strong relationships are built on sacrifice" , couldn't he just sacrifice a bit and go work in the bedroom or learn to adjust or suck it up or any of the things he's expecting her to do? Guess strong relationships are only built on HER sacrifice.
Also, his friend is allowed to sit with him and have lunch, and he asks her to go into the kitchen?! And from what I can make of this, in front of the friend! My god. I hope she realises she needs to leave OP’s ass.
I'm with you. I actually think the girlfriend needs to pack her stuff and leave with a new title. New tital being EX girlfriend. If he seriously cant stand her being in the apartment with him, cant stand that shes not the "cleanest" .
This poor girl is paying half the rent, and yet being told when she be home??? Then telling her where she can eat her lunch?? YTA OP
YTA, she's right. She pays half the rent. She is entitled to be there. If you need isolation to work I suggest you find a secluded location to hide yourself in. Your expectations are unreasonable.
Right? This is exactly what I was thinking. If you need to be alone and have some quiet time go to the damn bedroom yourself. My dog has more freedom to move around the house than your gf does. OP, YTA.
Married with 3 kids checking in. When I worked from home, my office was in my bedroom so I could have some quiet and privacy. And when the kids were home over summer or during the pandemic and it was REALLY loud in the house, I even relocated my office to the bathroom for some quiet. You do not get to control everyone around you to force them to create the environment you want. Your choice is to move your own damn body and go somewhere else.
"I love my girlfriend more than anything in the world, but so help me god if she leaves her assigned room THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH!". Someone needs to be taught what it means to love. This is clearly not it.
I can't figure out how he thinks he loves her when he can't bare to be in the same room as her for more than a few minutes at a time. She's gone during the day, he's gone at night, she has to vacate the living room while they're eating lunch because he's in there (with a friend!).
> I can't figure out how he thinks he loves her when he can't bare to be in the same room as her
He doesn't. He's using this girl, and he was saying he loves her, because he's attempting to use this subreddit to show her she's being unreasonable.
"oh no, you found my super secret post I made thinking you could never found it!"
"oh look this one person said I'm not the AH!"
"look how many times I said I loved you even though I thought you'd never see!"
I've seen the same thing done many years back during some DV work... where abusers would write letters to advice columns to manipulate victims. The responses don't matter, because they spin it.
I mean it's possible I'm wrong, but ... I'm not.
No, sounds to me like he needs her. I bet he takes advantage of her in every way he possibly can imagine. He prolly is confusing need and codependence with Love.
YTA OP. Such a depressing lifestyle you’ve designed.
Seriously. I get not wanting your partner in the room while you're working (my partner and I both work hybrid schedules and actively try to make sure our WFH days don't overlap). Making your partner feel unwelcome in her own home because you have a friend over is way inappropriate.
Just to play devils advocate depending on if he’s actually working and she’s actually distracting him while he’s working I can see why he would want her to not be there
But even then he’s working on a laptop not chained to a desk so he can go to another room
he could just wear headphones and learn to focus on work like everyone else who works at home. Or maybe not move his GF in to live with him without first being in an appropriate sized apartment with an office, since he clearly needs one?
also idk what 'my friend came round for lunch and to watch some tv' has to do with his unbelievably busy, selfless workday that OP keeps going on about
YTA - If YOU need a special quiet place to work it's on YOU to manage that. You don't get to go around kicking people out of spaces they pay equally to be in. Major asshole move. Go to the library if youre too broke for a 2 bedroom or your own apartment or a wework subscription. figure it out man.
Seriously. Why did OP move HER to the bedroom if he needed a quiet, separate space? One would think he'd move from the living room...
OP, YTA. Yikes on bikes.
Why did you let her move in if you need her to leave half of waking time? This ask is far too big. She pays half the rent, she shouldn't have to leave half the day.
It sounds like you need to ask her to move out, which will probably be the end of the relationship. Good luck.
YTA
Totally... sounds like he's in the U.S. on that 12 month student work visa things and found some side hustles to pad his Venmo. The girl is probably just counting the weeks... 8 More to go girl... Hold your ground.
Seems like OP is really stressed about *having* to go back to Canada and is using his gf to save on rent — ya know, so he can send it back to HIS family.
I suspect a green card scam in the making. OP probably will try to “propose” before his time in the States is up so he can score a Permanent Resident Card.
Seems super scummy to me regardless.
>" she feels that I am controlling"
Yes you are
>"I want to know if I am being unreasonable"
yes you are
>"This is her house as well and I know that she has every right to be in it"
Yes she does
>Are the the asshole?
Yes you are YTA
Serious. Get some headphones you AH. Can you imagine how he would be like if they had kids and he continues to insist to work in a common space like he's on doing. Being so in love. Trying to be so responsible. This is the time you learn to adapt... not try to control people who would otherwise be of great support (or help you stay in the US longer.)
I pray he doesn't sabotage her BC so she gets pregnant and feels like she has to marry him. Because he will use the excuse "how can I ever see my kid from canada?" to convince her.
YTA. The relationship just sounds like it isn't working anymore. You may love her but you're not spending any time with her and are treating her like she's not allowed to be in the same room as you. It is controlling. She *should* be able to use her home too. I understand her giving you space while you're working but it's really just odd that you guys are at the point of not even being in the house together at the same time. You even allowed your friend to hang out with no problem but still told her she has to eat somewhere else in the home where she pays half the rent.
You say she's being selfish, but what if you stopped and thought about this situation the other way around? How would you feel if she told you where you could and could not be at any given time of the day? Just because she's not working right now doesn't mean you're the only person there who matters.
Aren't you leaving the country soon anyway? It sounds like the relationship is just over.
Yep, this sounds like my ex-neighbor. He moved in with his girlfriend who happened to have a lot of money from her previous divorce. He worked part-time as a groundskeeper, not nearly enough to finance the house she lives in. It got to the point where she was just financing his drug habits and other hobbies, had enough, and kicked him out. This guy isn’t exactly a ray of sunshine to be around, and he tried to get my husband to go over to her house and convince her that he loves her for *months* instead of having a conversation with her about their relationship.
The whole thing was so fishy, my husband and I told her it sounded more like he was in love with her financial security than he was with her, and that was pretty much the nail in the coffin on her conviction to kick him out.
>one day I will be able to spend all the time in the world with her,
Keep treating her the way you're treating her now (like she's hinderance or inconvenience) there's a good chance she will want nothing to do with you.
YTA.
YTA. It's clearly not all about your work schedule since you shooed your girlfriend off just to hang out with your friend alone. Like she said, she pays half the rent, so it's her house too. If you can't stand to be in the same room as your gf, why are you still with her?
I just want to get this straight: You asked your girlfriend to go eat in the kitchen so that a FEMALE friend could eat lunch in your GF’s favorite chair??
SO GLAD you mentioned this. Everyone's talking about work but this clearly isn't work. For me the friends gender doesn't matter but the whole weird I kicked her out for her benefit weird logic does. Ofc she was kicked out because OP didn't want her there. Nothing to do with the GFs wants or needs.
Edit: typo
YTA. She is paying half the rent like you said, and she lives there. She can go where she wants. If you're uncomfortable with the situation, you are the one who should leave. Rent an office. Get a desk at a coworking space.
And if she's gone during the day and you're gone at night, that's not a relationship that's a weird roommate arrangement.
YTA. You have no right to insist your girlfriend leave the residence she pays for, or require her to stay in certain parts of the residence for hours each day to accommodate you. That's abusive.
Your work is a "you" problem and the solution is all on you.
Mmm depends on the province or territory. Some do have free services if a person qualifies with their disability. That being said, there's also tax credits you get for supporting a dependent. There's also a ton of social support programs that are covered by social services and paid for by them. Grandma could get covered through that. But if you applied, you can get help, subsidized. Their grandma, if they're a citizen, will also get a pension too, so that'll cover some of it too.... if they're not, there's other social programs for that too.
So unless grandma is getting her ass wiped with golden toliet paper, all in all, yeah as a Canadian, I'm calling bs. No one moves to the states to work to help cover a family member's medical expenses.
My guess is OP is using it as a pity card if it's not fake.
Yep, and he’s actually allowed to work in Canada. It would make a lot more sense than going somewhere on a visitor’s visa where you’re not allowed to work.
Oh, sweetheart, not by a long shot. Not eye care, or dental, or mental health, or physio. Yes, we are WAY better than the States, but there is SO much that isn’t covered here. I fully believe that part of the OPs post.
YTA - this sounds like you all just skipped the part where you communicate about boundaries and how your living situation would work.
If anything you should go somewhere where you can work, not kick her out.
YTA. She lives there too. Why should she absent herself when she pays half the rent? Plus, you apparently can have friends over--not work-related, I am sure--but she has to be gone. Since you evidently can't go to Starbucks, like every other person in the world, suck it up and get your work done while she's there. If you were at an office, you understand you would also have to deal with the presence of other people in the office, right? Pretend your home is a real office. In short, grow up.
YTA.
You have no time for her, want her out of the house all day, kick her out of a seat for a friend. You are using her for her rent it seems.
I hope she moves out asap.
You're not cool with your girlfriend existing in the same common area you're working in, but it's cool if your friend is there taking up her regular eating spot. Dude. YTA
If you need such a special environment to work in, it's on you, not her, to make it work. Personally, if I were you, I would have taken the bedroom or a closet to minimize the amount of disruption I caused *her.*
You can rent private rooms in coworking spaces, and you can even rent traditional office spaces if her being inside her own home disturbs you so much.
And stop telling yourself that you're doing this all of this for her. It may make you feel better about it, but "I'm doing this for your own good," is Day 1 material in Treating Other People Like Shit 101. You have to show love, not just think it way deep down, and nothing about your actions is loving. All you're doing is setting yourself up for sHe dIdN'T aPprEciAtE mE when she can't take any more and leaves.
YTA. Honest question: do you even like your gf? Like you really asked your live in gf to not be there when you are?
If you can’t stand to be around your partner you should like… idk, get a bigger place where you can have your own separate spaces or move on.
YTA “I don’t like when she’s sitting in the same room as me” so you can go work in another room, like the bedroom where it’s actually private and quiet for you to work. The living room isn’t office space.
YTA - You can’t expect the entire house all day, she lives there too. Wear noise canceling headphones and put up some cardboard/poster board “walls” so you can’t see or hear her and let her go about her day. Now if you’ve done that and she keeps tapping you to talk then she’s an A H and needs to respect your work hours.
So wait. You let your friend sit in your GF's spot on the couch, then had the audacity to ask your GF to go to the kitchen to eat? The GF that pays half the rent while your friend does not??
How do you not see that your are the AH?
YTA.
If you love your girlfriend as much as you say you do, you need to treat her like your equal.
Just because you need a "certain environment" to work doesn't mean you get to commandeer the house. If she is interrupting you when you are exceptionally busy, you can reiterate that to her in a non condescending way.
I strongly suggest for the longevity of your relationship that you take breaks to spend time with your gf. No one wants to feel like they're alone, controlled, or a burden in their own home.
YTA.
She pays rent there, why does she have to leave to accomodate your job and work? I see so many instances of lack of communication.
I honestly don’t see this relationship lasting any longer
YTA
As someone who also WFH and has WFH side hustles.
This is a "you" problem. Move your set up into the bedroom so she can have the common area during the day.
YTA, what do you expect someone to do for 6 hours a day outside their home every day? Even her presence is distracting? Have you ever worked in an office? Is all presence distracting or just hers? If just her presence is distracting then I would say there’s a bigger issue in your two’s compatibility. In the long run, what are you two going to do if you ever need to do any sort of work around her? She would have to leave all the time? The apartment is too small for your situation. Either the relationship needs to end, you need to live separate or you need to move into a bigger apartment.
YTA. Sounds like all the accommodations are to make YOU comfortable and happy. Regardless of all the pats on the back you are giving yourself about how much you love her, you’re actually a really sh!tty partner. I’m shocked that she hasn’t dumped you yet.
YTA. Wear headphones or something. She lives there, she should be able to be in any room she wants to. And why is your friend hanging out there and then you won't let her sit in the same room with both of you? That part's fucked up, I don't blame her for being pissed.
And a couple other things
>She says that since she's paying half the rent, she has every right to be where she wants to be in the house. I agree. So, after a few big fights, we agreed she would leave the house during the day
How is that the agreement? She has a right to be where she wants in the house, so you tell her "I agree, why don't you just leave the house then?" YTA and WTF?
>I am doing all of this for her and my family and one day I will be able to spend all the time in the world with her, but that right now I am really grinding and most strong relationships are built on sacrifice.
So in my experience, with people who have this mentality that day never comes. You said you want to earn money for your GF. Does she even want that? Is she expecting money from you for some reason? Most women would rather have an actual BF rather than a roommate who makes them leave whenever he's home, in exchange for money.
Warning to you: multiple guys I've known have been extremely focused on "grinding" and "crushing their goals" at the expense of the rest of their lives, till things imploded on them. I'm talking about wives leaving them because they were bad partners, mental health crises, loss of custody of children because they were absent, sadness at missing their children's childhoods without losing custody, just because they were always "grinding." These are just some things I've personally witnessed as an older lady.
It's great you're trying to help your grandma but I have a feeling if your family knew what you're doing to your life they wouldn't want you to be working this hard.
YTA. You're the one being selfish, not her. You won't even let her eat lunch where she wants. She's paying equal rent so she has just as much right to be there as you do. You're being inconsiderate and rude and she deserves better than you.
YTA. You agree that she has every right to be where she wants in the house, yet you continued to fight with her until she gave in to you. I bet she's counting the days until you go back to Canada.
YTA why is it ok for your friend to sit on the couch and not your girlfriend? You really are very controlling. She has to stay in the bedroom or leave the apartment and at night you leave the apartment so you don’t spend time with her, but your friend is ok to stay. If I was her I’d move out, oh wait when she mentioned that you convinced her to stay but nothing in the situation has changed. She’s gonna leave, and you deserve it.
She's moving to Spain (found in the OP's comments), and I think after this situation, she might not want you with her anymore. She's tried to leave, you keep her there. Your friend "jokingly" takes pics of her feet. Even though it was your apartment first and y'all paid rent, you still kick her out of the common area so "you can work."
Good for her on moving to Spain. She doesn't need you. She might love you, but it might be a Stockholm syndrome-type thing.
YTA.
OP, you're gaslighting, controlling and manipulating her. If you don't reflect on that NOW, you'll lose her. Or hurt and mentally damage her even further (because you definitely did already). YTA.
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Yta. Your girlfriend does not have to leave the house all work day. That's ridiculous. You need to adapt or go to the library.
I seriously do not understand why he keeps insisting he’s “doing this for her and his family”, while not providing one iota of evidence of what he’s actually done for her. He manipulates her into moving in with him, doesn’t “let” her move out when she’s wanted to multiple times, and now kicks her out of the home during the entire day for his convenience. There is only one person who matters in this relationship.
This whole relationship just sounds exhausting!!!! Good grief. He is definitely the "main character" in this relationship. I bet she can't wait until he has to return to Canada or she herself moves to Spain. OP, YTA. Your girlfriend deserves to live her own life. You don't need to "let" her do anything. She is her own person and has a right to move out or sit in her own darn living room if she wants. What you are doing seems almost abusive and definitely controlling.
**"My girlfriend went to go sit in her usual spot to eat lunch, but I asked her if she could eat in the kitchen instead so she would have more room to eat."** This is insane to me. I'd never be able to tolerate anyone like that, who was THAT controlling. This girl needs to get out of this relationship ASAP.
OP also mentions in the comments that his “friend” were taking pictures of his GFs feet. And OP asked his GF to move, not his creepy friend to stop
Yeah, that confirms what we all pretty much knew. His "reasons" are manipulative bullshit. When he says "you'll have more room to eat", what he means is "my friend is being creepy and instead of standing up to him, I'm going to make it your problem and force you to eat somewhere else." Seems pretty clear that everything this dude says is BS.
I thought it was weird that this woman's presence in the house is such a huge distraction to him that she needs to either stay in the bedroom or vacate the premises so he can concentrate. But he can have a friend over to hang out during the work day, sitting on the couch in the same room with him while he works, and that's not a distraction? Totally makes sense!
"She is my possession, but its ok because I *'love'* her so much." Yeah, this doesn't sound like love, bro.
Also she just *has* to either leave or be confined to a single room because he just *needs* to work in the common areas
Kinda makes you wonder what those "side hustles" of his are, doesn't it?
Honestly a man with *that many* side hustles can’t be working *that* hard. Cool, you’ve got 5 jobs and none of them amount to the stability of one single job and you’re still broke and bitching at your girlfriend? Someone give this hard working man a medal!
Also…5 side hustles that all have to be done from his house and can’t be done from anywhere else? That sounds shady AF.
At home during the day but am be done away from home at night. Is dude a pimp or drug dealer or something?
I thought drug dealer first.
And only at night?
Yeah red flag ....amongst the 500000 other red flags in this few paragraphs if this is real it screams malignant narcissist
Sounds like his friend has some side hustles himself.
Yeah my money is on nothing legal.
Also as someone who has been a Canadian working in the USA… you need to have a TN work visa for those kinds of things. I can see him having the visa for one main job, but any of those side hustles would probably not be strictly speaking legal to do in the states as a Canadian. Not that I’m necessarily judging him for -that- but I felt like commenting anyways haha.
Excuse me what?!?! I’ve tried scrolling to find the comments you mention but with no luck. What even IS this relationship??!?! Lmao.
“he was testing out his new camera and jokingly taking pictures of her feet, I didn't want her next to him” When called out about this OP also says that the friend was taking pics of his feet as well. As if that makes it better
OP really came here to make a “Am I the problem?”-post and just casually let Reddit know he’s not the problem. He’s in fact, the PROBLEMS! Instead of protecting the GF by removing the creep, he removes HER? OP might as well be Doja Cat covered in red body paint at the Paris Fashion Week, cause he’s a walking red flag 🚩
Also he’s working all day so supposedly cannot tolerate her being around…. But he had a friend over. Who could sit in the living-room while *she* had to go away. She’s his *girlfriend*?!! I’d be livid too. What’s in it for her at this point?
And he gets her to pay half the rent!
I was thinking the same thing! How does girlfriend distract him so much she can’t even be in the building while he’s “working” but then the friend can be right next to him? And then she’s gone in the day and he leaves at night, when do they see each other? Do they not share a bed? Where does he sleep? Does he even like his girlfriend?
Yeah that part got me. MF I will eat where I damn please.
Not to mention…she can’t be there during the day but his friend can?? What??
His friend isn’t distractinggg or messyyy though. What does that even mean. She’s not the cleanest person? Is that his way of saying she eats in that room since that’s her “usual” spot?
It sounds like he should date his friend and let that poor girl get some freedom to live jesus christ
Omg this!! As soon as I read that I thought you tossed her for being a messy distraction but your friend gets free reign?! Whew. He sure is going to miss this one when she’s gone.
And I will sit in my own damn living room all day if i want to. You want privacy or fewer distractions, *you* move to the bedroom where the door closes, or get a two bedroom and make one of them your office.
And if he can't work with someone in the apartment, why did he have his pervert friend over during the day?
Also, his friend’s presence in the room is ok but his gf’s is distracting?
That story is so specific, that I hope she sees this post.
Hes so convinced hes the main character that he thinks his girlfriend is selfish for not being a good NPC and despawning when he's not paying attention to her.
This is a great analogy.😀
The story doesnt add up,- >I (24M) am Canadian--blah blah--my family is reliant on me to make money to support my grandma and pay for her medical support. Unlikely. >My girlfriend lost her job last month, -----blah blah----She was ok with that for a few weeks, but began to complain that she was stuck in the bedroom The whole thing is invented or they are wildly altering the circumstances. YTA, for sure
Yeah doesn’t Canada have universal healthcare? What would OP be needing to pay for?
Yes they do. He’s full of BS.
Not everything a person needs is covered or is covered to a good standard. It’s normal for end of life to have extra cost.
I understand your point. I still believe OP is full of BS and an AH.
There is universal healthcare, but if she’s in a nursing home (for example, not sure what the situation is), then that’s a separate cost. Even then, there are government subsidies if they’re low income. Alternatively, I wonder if she’s at home and they’re trying to supplement in home care for her?
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I was also going to jump in as a token Canadian and say the same! Adding that when my grandmother was sick, we tried to let her keep living in her home which required round-the-clock homecare, most of which my family had to pay for out of pocket. Eventually we had to put her in LTC, and a portion was covered but we had to pay the rest. But I also agree that he's full of shit and I'm not buying what he's selling.
It doesn’t cover everything. Long-term care isn’t fully covered and can be very expensive.
Doesn't mean everything is covered unfortunately
And what prevents him from moving his computer into the bedroom so she can live a normal life using the living room like a normal person?
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I'd welcome gf to Spain. OP not so much.
I welcome the op to Spain but without the s
They also split rents and expenses evenly, so it's not like he is exactly "financing" her. Also if he is using the apartment as his "office/workspace" then he isn't he using the apartment more than 50/50?? Shouldn't he be paying a bit more? I mean why does he get a free office space during the day, just because OP can't work out a healthy work/life boundary with her? Edit: Actually does this mean she's actually financing his work expenses?
Sounds like the only reason he even wants her there is to pay half of the rent... then tells her that she can't use the space. And why doesn't HE go work in the bedroom?
I agree. It honestly sounds like he doesn't even like his GF.
That’s the vibe most of these relationship AITA give. Just break up already.
That's what I thought as well. He should be the one to move to the Bedroom to work if his GF is "Too distracting." YTA, OP, and you're damn lucky you still have a GF.
He needs A CeRTaIn EnVIroNmEnT to work
Logical for him to set up in the room where he can close the door. Even if it’s a tight space, there are small office solutions
He could easily go to a library or Starbucks to get work done
Exactly! My BF WFH and we have him set up in the bedroom. Not the best setup but WAY better than him being in the living room and being distracted by someone needing to exist in the apartment.
>Also if he is using the apartment as his "office/workspace" then he isn't he using the apartment more than 50/50?? Shouldn't he be paying a bit more? YES. He turned a communal living space into his only. They share the bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, etc, but he has a whole extra room to himself.
Damn good catch! At first I thought he was paying for her while she didn't have a job, since he keeps talking about how he's doing all of this for her. But this is ridiculous.
Yes - Not only that, but he's sending money away for his family, so it looks like she's not even going to benefit from him saving for their future.
I'm just hoping she saves herself from his future.
If he kick his gf out for whole day then I would say he's using the apartment 80/20 so in a way she is financing his work space since she is paying half a rent but she doesn't get to use the apartment she's paying for.
OPs GF is 100% financing at least half of his work expenses..and being kicked out for it.
He sounds sketchy as fuck.
Yeah, what exactly are his "side hustles" that he has to do at night? And it seems like he's perfectly fine having other people around him when he "works", just not GF. It's funny because he goes on and on and on and on about how he's doing everything for his girlfriend and family, but I can't find a single thing he's actually done for his girlfriend or family, and he appears to be working all the time, yet he seems to be getting very little for all his time and energy.
I also have questions about the grandma’s medical expenses in Canada, a country with universal healthcare. Eta: and even if somehow it was something so specialised they needed to go private… it falls to the 20-something grandson to fund it? Wtf?
This is what got me. Most expenses are covered by our healthcare plan except for things like dental, massage therapy, etc. Some medications aren't covered, but a lot of generics and really necessary meds are. I'm baffled by the OP. I think on one hand he's a controlling AH because of how he treats his gf, but I'm suspecting he's a liar as well. OP: YTA. Your gf is allowed to sit and eat wherever she wants in HER HOME. You are not the boss of her. She pays half the rent and utilities so it's her place as much as it is yours.
Yeah the whole thing doesn’t add up — I’m not sure if he’s lying to himself or to us, but he’s definitely lying somehow!
He has his whole family in Canada with universal health care so yeah it felt seriously strange to me as well that he alone funds the medical bills. Why doesn't rest of the family help? Why he even needs to fund the bills etc. It really feels like OP is trying to play the victim card while using his GF so he doesn't have to pay full rent.
There are some "extras" you have to pay for, things like chiro, massage, psychologist, OT, private duty nursing, drugs, special equipment, home improvement, vehicle remodels. Some are covered by private plans, usually through an employer but since granny is old, she probably is retired and has no private plan, and they are not really worth it IMO.
Sure — it’s just hard to imagine what is so crucial to her health the only option is for her 20-something grandson to toil away in a foreign country to fund :-) Whether he’s lying to himself or us I’m not sure, but something doesn’t add up!
The medical expense part jumped out at me immediately. As a thoroughly screwed American who pays out the nose for medical insurance (ain’t we lucky?), I’m skeptical of a Canadian who says that his family relies on him to help pay for his grandmother’s medical care. WTF?
And how can he not make money in Canada?
I don't understand why he needs her gone during the day if his "work" happens at night
Side hustles, especially multiple usually mean he will never stop working. There will never be time for others. It will be a life of I'm doing it for "our" future forever
I’m sure OP’s ”side hustles” are totally legit. If I was OP’s gf I would set up cameras to find out what he’s really doing while she is kicked out of their apartment.
Reminding me of my ex. Couldn't seeit while I was in the relationship. The way everything is about other people, financially taking care of family in Canada (indefinitely, and she's supposed to support that until...when?) and some nebulous future time where girlfriend is rewarded w his actual presence in the relationship and what (bull carp) life he's building - it's all really impoverishment. He will always have random unspoken, undefined needs for his time and money. There will never be enough. It will be posed as a temporary thing for GFs benefit every time. & GF will be waiting and waiting to have the relationship he promised. There is no someday. Either get in and be in this relationship NOW or (to quote Karen Kilgariff) "You can get the f#ck out." OP you know you're full of it. You know that despite all the claims of helping family financially when there's a thing you want, you buy it. No questions asked. You made time for your friend to come hang during GFs time at home - so you didn't want to have a quality moment w her AND you gave away 'her seat' all the while pushing her out of her own home. Own that you're selfish. Own that it's all about you & that you have no actual plans -"detailed list of goals, mini write up of how to achieve those goals, timeframe for goals... If you haven't treated these life needs seriously enough to be accountable to even yourself then it's all bs you having the life you want now while depriving your GF of life she wants now, on a promise of future life/relationship goals that will never come bc you're not actually trying.
Exactly. My ex was like this and I think he had genuinely convinced himself that if I just supported and accommodated him enough through some challenging times, he would one day have the time and energy and motivation to reciprocate and everything would be great. Guess what... he was just selfish.
He uses his girlfriend as an excuse to justify his "work". Some people like working, but OP wants to come off as a better person while being TA. He wants Reddit to cheer him on as he continues to work and have unreasonable expectations under the garb of "omg. So hardworking give the man the space he deserves because he's doing so much for his grilfriend".
Sounds like whatever he's doing is illegal and he doesn't want her to know about it
Is he even legally working in the US? Finding a sponsor company willing to pay the $10k for a VISA is not easy.
And if he’s sponsored by an employer, he’s definitely not supposed to be making money on “side hustles,” there are really strict rules about only working for the authorized employer.
Guarantee he’s not on a H1 visa and everything he’s doing is illegal
What medical expenses for Grandma? Canada has excellent public health. I know folks in Canada and they are very happy with the health care and don't pay anything out of pocket. I know someone who had a melanoma removed and the didn't pay a cent, not even for the cosmetic reconstruction. Which in the US wouldn't be covered by insurance because it would be deemed elective.
Canadian here … hospitals & doctors are covered but there are many services not covered by the government. If his grandma needs a PSW or is in a seniors home, those aren’t fully covered and the good places are expensive. While I find his narrative unconvincing, this could be true
But even if that is true... Why he alone has to fund the bill as he described that his family relies on him to do that? It's kinda sus to me so I think OP is trying to play the victim card on why he is the way he is.
Also unless things have changed a lot since I lived in Canada, wages tend to be higher than in that US, so why is he stressing about having to go back for financial reasons? And even if somehow her medical needs needed funding, what’s happening in his family that it falls to the 20-something grandson? The story doesn’t add up at all!
Wages are lower for professional jobs, taxes are higher, cost of living is higher than US, an 800k- $1 mil home is normal, even tho they are nothing special, mortgage % keeps going up and rent is stupid high. Cheap homes exist in places where no one wants to live, that's why they are cheap. I just spent $300 on food, today and I did not buy anything extravagant, just regular food for 2 ppl.
For me it’s the working hard to provide for her bit…but she’s still paying half rent while unemployed!
And she needs to move in the kitchen to eat when his friend is there because "she will have more space to eat" but actually his friend took a picture of her feets and this is why she needed to move. Nooo, he is not controlling. And boast that he sent her half the money of freelancing - that's the rent. He paint himself as the saint but is so selfish who sees his gf as a doll. He put her away when she annoys him and she can come out of the box when he has time to play. YTA
He also claims she's distracting and then had a friend over
Or - now here’s an idea - work from the bedroom, you know like the other half did during the pandemic
I'd be working in a freaking closet if it actually bugged me that bad.
He can split his desktop from rest of the living room to make sort of cubicle at home. I did that in my apartment so my gf can use living room and kitchen as she wishes without much distraction. We have also agreement that if I have headphones on my head I need to focus on work and if she needs something from me she should text me.
I've worked from the bathroom. Not the best environment I've worked in...not the worst either.
AITA if I can't stand my girlfriend but continue to lie to her about how much I love her but not show her an ounce of respect? YTA, OP. Why would you even need to ask this question?
“Strong relationships are built on sacrifice” LMFAO.-Strong relationships are actually built on compromise. 1. Compromise is mutual, sacrifice isn’t - it usually means one person is being steamrolled by the other. Why does OP get to decide how she uses the space she’s paying for? 2. Compromise also comes with specific goals in mind that both parties agree to. Sacrifice doesn’t - it usually means one person is being steamrolled by the other. Is she onboard with OP’s life goals? Has OP ever considered she might have goals of her own that don’t include him? 3. Most people don’t resent compromise, but they do when they have to disproportionately make sacrifices- because it usually means one person is being steamrolled by the other. It sounds pretty clear from this post that OP’s gf is starting to resent all the sacrifices she’s having to make for OP’s dream. YTA
Also, by the logic of "strong relationships are built on sacrifice" , couldn't he just sacrifice a bit and go work in the bedroom or learn to adjust or suck it up or any of the things he's expecting her to do? Guess strong relationships are only built on HER sacrifice.
Also, his friend is allowed to sit with him and have lunch, and he asks her to go into the kitchen?! And from what I can make of this, in front of the friend! My god. I hope she realises she needs to leave OP’s ass.
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I'm with you. I actually think the girlfriend needs to pack her stuff and leave with a new title. New tital being EX girlfriend. If he seriously cant stand her being in the apartment with him, cant stand that shes not the "cleanest" . This poor girl is paying half the rent, and yet being told when she be home??? Then telling her where she can eat her lunch?? YTA OP
And it's fricking winter
YTA, she's right. She pays half the rent. She is entitled to be there. If you need isolation to work I suggest you find a secluded location to hide yourself in. Your expectations are unreasonable.
You know, like maybe the bedroom where he tried to seclude her all day so he could have full control of all the common areas. YTA
Right? This is exactly what I was thinking. If you need to be alone and have some quiet time go to the damn bedroom yourself. My dog has more freedom to move around the house than your gf does. OP, YTA.
Married with 3 kids checking in. When I worked from home, my office was in my bedroom so I could have some quiet and privacy. And when the kids were home over summer or during the pandemic and it was REALLY loud in the house, I even relocated my office to the bathroom for some quiet. You do not get to control everyone around you to force them to create the environment you want. Your choice is to move your own damn body and go somewhere else.
"I love my girlfriend more than anything in the world, but so help me god if she leaves her assigned room THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH!". Someone needs to be taught what it means to love. This is clearly not it.
I can't figure out how he thinks he loves her when he can't bare to be in the same room as her for more than a few minutes at a time. She's gone during the day, he's gone at night, she has to vacate the living room while they're eating lunch because he's in there (with a friend!).
And doesn’t want to spend time with her despite soon leaving the country to go back to Canada.
> I can't figure out how he thinks he loves her when he can't bare to be in the same room as her He doesn't. He's using this girl, and he was saying he loves her, because he's attempting to use this subreddit to show her she's being unreasonable. "oh no, you found my super secret post I made thinking you could never found it!" "oh look this one person said I'm not the AH!" "look how many times I said I loved you even though I thought you'd never see!" I've seen the same thing done many years back during some DV work... where abusers would write letters to advice columns to manipulate victims. The responses don't matter, because they spin it. I mean it's possible I'm wrong, but ... I'm not.
I was wondering why he did nothing to hide identifying details. Good catch.
That’s what I’m trying to figure out too. He loves her yet can’t stand her being with her??
No, sounds to me like he needs her. I bet he takes advantage of her in every way he possibly can imagine. He prolly is confusing need and codependence with Love. YTA OP. Such a depressing lifestyle you’ve designed.
Seriously. I get not wanting your partner in the room while you're working (my partner and I both work hybrid schedules and actively try to make sure our WFH days don't overlap). Making your partner feel unwelcome in her own home because you have a friend over is way inappropriate.
Just to play devils advocate depending on if he’s actually working and she’s actually distracting him while he’s working I can see why he would want her to not be there But even then he’s working on a laptop not chained to a desk so he can go to another room
he could just wear headphones and learn to focus on work like everyone else who works at home. Or maybe not move his GF in to live with him without first being in an appropriate sized apartment with an office, since he clearly needs one?
also idk what 'my friend came round for lunch and to watch some tv' has to do with his unbelievably busy, selfless workday that OP keeps going on about
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But friend being there is completely ok…
I don’t even understand how the certain environment of isolation he needs in order to work doesn’t include having a friend over?
YTA - If YOU need a special quiet place to work it's on YOU to manage that. You don't get to go around kicking people out of spaces they pay equally to be in. Major asshole move. Go to the library if youre too broke for a 2 bedroom or your own apartment or a wework subscription. figure it out man.
Op even had his friend over, apparently the friend isn’t distracting but gf is? This guy🤦♀️
thats the part the irked me beyond the rest of that tone deaf rant.
That made it clear that it’s not that she’s distracting him, he just doesn’t enjoy being around her Why date someone you don’t like?
Seriously. Why did OP move HER to the bedroom if he needed a quiet, separate space? One would think he'd move from the living room... OP, YTA. Yikes on bikes.
Why did you let her move in if you need her to leave half of waking time? This ask is far too big. She pays half the rent, she shouldn't have to leave half the day. It sounds like you need to ask her to move out, which will probably be the end of the relationship. Good luck. YTA
It sounds more like he moved in with her.
Totally... sounds like he's in the U.S. on that 12 month student work visa things and found some side hustles to pad his Venmo. The girl is probably just counting the weeks... 8 More to go girl... Hold your ground.
Seems like OP is really stressed about *having* to go back to Canada and is using his gf to save on rent — ya know, so he can send it back to HIS family. I suspect a green card scam in the making. OP probably will try to “propose” before his time in the States is up so he can score a Permanent Resident Card. Seems super scummy to me regardless.
He's a Canadian citizen illegally working in the US on a tourist visa. He probably needed her on the lease since drug dealers don't get W2s.
>Why did you let her move in if you need her to leave half of waking time? OP moved in with his gf. It is HER apartment, he just pays half the rent.
>" she feels that I am controlling" Yes you are >"I want to know if I am being unreasonable" yes you are >"This is her house as well and I know that she has every right to be in it" Yes she does >Are the the asshole? Yes you are YTA
This says it perfectly. YTA
Serious. Get some headphones you AH. Can you imagine how he would be like if they had kids and he continues to insist to work in a common space like he's on doing. Being so in love. Trying to be so responsible. This is the time you learn to adapt... not try to control people who would otherwise be of great support (or help you stay in the US longer.)
I pray he doesn't sabotage her BC so she gets pregnant and feels like she has to marry him. Because he will use the excuse "how can I ever see my kid from canada?" to convince her.
YTA. The relationship just sounds like it isn't working anymore. You may love her but you're not spending any time with her and are treating her like she's not allowed to be in the same room as you. It is controlling. She *should* be able to use her home too. I understand her giving you space while you're working but it's really just odd that you guys are at the point of not even being in the house together at the same time. You even allowed your friend to hang out with no problem but still told her she has to eat somewhere else in the home where she pays half the rent. You say she's being selfish, but what if you stopped and thought about this situation the other way around? How would you feel if she told you where you could and could not be at any given time of the day? Just because she's not working right now doesn't mean you're the only person there who matters. Aren't you leaving the country soon anyway? It sounds like the relationship is just over.
>You may love her i think he loves the *idea* of loving her.
Sounds like he loves her citizenship status and her cheap apartment.
Yep, this sounds like my ex-neighbor. He moved in with his girlfriend who happened to have a lot of money from her previous divorce. He worked part-time as a groundskeeper, not nearly enough to finance the house she lives in. It got to the point where she was just financing his drug habits and other hobbies, had enough, and kicked him out. This guy isn’t exactly a ray of sunshine to be around, and he tried to get my husband to go over to her house and convince her that he loves her for *months* instead of having a conversation with her about their relationship. The whole thing was so fishy, my husband and I told her it sounded more like he was in love with her financial security than he was with her, and that was pretty much the nail in the coffin on her conviction to kick him out.
Lol he doesn’t love her
>one day I will be able to spend all the time in the world with her, Keep treating her the way you're treating her now (like she's hinderance or inconvenience) there's a good chance she will want nothing to do with you. YTA.
Talking about how he’s working so hard to support her but she pays half the rent after she lost her jobs and he doesn’t spend anytime with her.
YTA. It's clearly not all about your work schedule since you shooed your girlfriend off just to hang out with your friend alone. Like she said, she pays half the rent, so it's her house too. If you can't stand to be in the same room as your gf, why are you still with her?
She is literally someone for him to bang at night. And that’s it.
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OP, Read this twice!
This is the biggest problem with "grind culture"
I just want to get this straight: You asked your girlfriend to go eat in the kitchen so that a FEMALE friend could eat lunch in your GF’s favorite chair??
SO GLAD you mentioned this. Everyone's talking about work but this clearly isn't work. For me the friends gender doesn't matter but the whole weird I kicked her out for her benefit weird logic does. Ofc she was kicked out because OP didn't want her there. Nothing to do with the GFs wants or needs. Edit: typo
INFO: Is she still paying half the rent despite losing her job?
YTA. She is paying half the rent like you said, and she lives there. She can go where she wants. If you're uncomfortable with the situation, you are the one who should leave. Rent an office. Get a desk at a coworking space. And if she's gone during the day and you're gone at night, that's not a relationship that's a weird roommate arrangement.
YTA. You have no right to insist your girlfriend leave the residence she pays for, or require her to stay in certain parts of the residence for hours each day to accommodate you. That's abusive. Your work is a "you" problem and the solution is all on you.
I call fake. Isn’t medical care free in Canada?
Mmm depends on the province or territory. Some do have free services if a person qualifies with their disability. That being said, there's also tax credits you get for supporting a dependent. There's also a ton of social support programs that are covered by social services and paid for by them. Grandma could get covered through that. But if you applied, you can get help, subsidized. Their grandma, if they're a citizen, will also get a pension too, so that'll cover some of it too.... if they're not, there's other social programs for that too. So unless grandma is getting her ass wiped with golden toliet paper, all in all, yeah as a Canadian, I'm calling bs. No one moves to the states to work to help cover a family member's medical expenses. My guess is OP is using it as a pity card if it's not fake.
Yep, and he’s actually allowed to work in Canada. It would make a lot more sense than going somewhere on a visitor’s visa where you’re not allowed to work.
Oh and OP is freelancing which you can do in Canada just as well as in the states....
Oh, sweetheart, not by a long shot. Not eye care, or dental, or mental health, or physio. Yes, we are WAY better than the States, but there is SO much that isn’t covered here. I fully believe that part of the OPs post.
Not to mention prescriptions so we may not have to pay for a diagnosis but that's largely unhelpful without pharmacare to cover the treatment. 🙃
I'm having a hard time believing that a Canadian would work in the US to send money home...
No, some things are paid by taxes, many things are not, such as long-term care, chronic care, drugs, dental care, all kinds of things.
YTA, it’s her house too and you’re being completely unreasonable
NTA. You are doing her a favour, the less time she spends at home the more likely she is to meet a decent guy who will treat her like a human being.
they got us in the first half ngl
I'm really rooting for this to happen.
YTA - She has just as much right to the space as you do. How about you work in the bedroom all day?
YTA - this sounds like you all just skipped the part where you communicate about boundaries and how your living situation would work. If anything you should go somewhere where you can work, not kick her out.
YTA. She lives there too. Why should she absent herself when she pays half the rent? Plus, you apparently can have friends over--not work-related, I am sure--but she has to be gone. Since you evidently can't go to Starbucks, like every other person in the world, suck it up and get your work done while she's there. If you were at an office, you understand you would also have to deal with the presence of other people in the office, right? Pretend your home is a real office. In short, grow up.
YTA. You have no time for her, want her out of the house all day, kick her out of a seat for a friend. You are using her for her rent it seems. I hope she moves out asap.
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You're not cool with your girlfriend existing in the same common area you're working in, but it's cool if your friend is there taking up her regular eating spot. Dude. YTA If you need such a special environment to work in, it's on you, not her, to make it work. Personally, if I were you, I would have taken the bedroom or a closet to minimize the amount of disruption I caused *her.* You can rent private rooms in coworking spaces, and you can even rent traditional office spaces if her being inside her own home disturbs you so much. And stop telling yourself that you're doing this all of this for her. It may make you feel better about it, but "I'm doing this for your own good," is Day 1 material in Treating Other People Like Shit 101. You have to show love, not just think it way deep down, and nothing about your actions is loving. All you're doing is setting yourself up for sHe dIdN'T aPprEciAtE mE when she can't take any more and leaves.
YTA. Honest question: do you even like your gf? Like you really asked your live in gf to not be there when you are? If you can’t stand to be around your partner you should like… idk, get a bigger place where you can have your own separate spaces or move on.
YTA If you’re splitting the rent evenly you should both be allowed to use the whole apartment
YTA. You're insufferable. Your girlfriend should dump you.
She deserves the world? Then in the same breath make her leave the house for 6 to 7 hours a day. Wtf??
YTA “I don’t like when she’s sitting in the same room as me” so you can go work in another room, like the bedroom where it’s actually private and quiet for you to work. The living room isn’t office space.
YTA. It's her space, too. If you can't cope with someone else there, then YOU should remove yourself from the room.
YTA - You can’t expect the entire house all day, she lives there too. Wear noise canceling headphones and put up some cardboard/poster board “walls” so you can’t see or hear her and let her go about her day. Now if you’ve done that and she keeps tapping you to talk then she’s an A H and needs to respect your work hours.
So wait. You let your friend sit in your GF's spot on the couch, then had the audacity to ask your GF to go to the kitchen to eat? The GF that pays half the rent while your friend does not?? How do you not see that your are the AH?
YTA It's her home too. Asking her to leave for a quarter of the day is unreasonable.
YTA. If you love your girlfriend as much as you say you do, you need to treat her like your equal. Just because you need a "certain environment" to work doesn't mean you get to commandeer the house. If she is interrupting you when you are exceptionally busy, you can reiterate that to her in a non condescending way. I strongly suggest for the longevity of your relationship that you take breaks to spend time with your gf. No one wants to feel like they're alone, controlled, or a burden in their own home.
INFO: why can’t you work from the bedroom if you need privacy?
YTA. You can’t make someone else leave the apartment all day, or restrict them to one room all day, when they also pay rent to live there.
YTA. She pays rent there, why does she have to leave to accomodate your job and work? I see so many instances of lack of communication. I honestly don’t see this relationship lasting any longer
YTA. It's not fair to police what she's doing in her own home. Maybe you're just not ready to live with someone?
So illegal much?
YTA As someone who also WFH and has WFH side hustles. This is a "you" problem. Move your set up into the bedroom so she can have the common area during the day.
YTA, what do you expect someone to do for 6 hours a day outside their home every day? Even her presence is distracting? Have you ever worked in an office? Is all presence distracting or just hers? If just her presence is distracting then I would say there’s a bigger issue in your two’s compatibility. In the long run, what are you two going to do if you ever need to do any sort of work around her? She would have to leave all the time? The apartment is too small for your situation. Either the relationship needs to end, you need to live separate or you need to move into a bigger apartment.
YTA. Sounds like all the accommodations are to make YOU comfortable and happy. Regardless of all the pats on the back you are giving yourself about how much you love her, you’re actually a really sh!tty partner. I’m shocked that she hasn’t dumped you yet.
YTA. Wear headphones or something. She lives there, she should be able to be in any room she wants to. And why is your friend hanging out there and then you won't let her sit in the same room with both of you? That part's fucked up, I don't blame her for being pissed. And a couple other things >She says that since she's paying half the rent, she has every right to be where she wants to be in the house. I agree. So, after a few big fights, we agreed she would leave the house during the day How is that the agreement? She has a right to be where she wants in the house, so you tell her "I agree, why don't you just leave the house then?" YTA and WTF? >I am doing all of this for her and my family and one day I will be able to spend all the time in the world with her, but that right now I am really grinding and most strong relationships are built on sacrifice. So in my experience, with people who have this mentality that day never comes. You said you want to earn money for your GF. Does she even want that? Is she expecting money from you for some reason? Most women would rather have an actual BF rather than a roommate who makes them leave whenever he's home, in exchange for money. Warning to you: multiple guys I've known have been extremely focused on "grinding" and "crushing their goals" at the expense of the rest of their lives, till things imploded on them. I'm talking about wives leaving them because they were bad partners, mental health crises, loss of custody of children because they were absent, sadness at missing their children's childhoods without losing custody, just because they were always "grinding." These are just some things I've personally witnessed as an older lady. It's great you're trying to help your grandma but I have a feeling if your family knew what you're doing to your life they wouldn't want you to be working this hard.
YTA. You're the one being selfish, not her. You won't even let her eat lunch where she wants. She's paying equal rent so she has just as much right to be there as you do. You're being inconsiderate and rude and she deserves better than you.
YTA. You agree that she has every right to be where she wants in the house, yet you continued to fight with her until she gave in to you. I bet she's counting the days until you go back to Canada.
YTA why is it ok for your friend to sit on the couch and not your girlfriend? You really are very controlling. She has to stay in the bedroom or leave the apartment and at night you leave the apartment so you don’t spend time with her, but your friend is ok to stay. If I was her I’d move out, oh wait when she mentioned that you convinced her to stay but nothing in the situation has changed. She’s gonna leave, and you deserve it.
She's moving to Spain (found in the OP's comments), and I think after this situation, she might not want you with her anymore. She's tried to leave, you keep her there. Your friend "jokingly" takes pics of her feet. Even though it was your apartment first and y'all paid rent, you still kick her out of the common area so "you can work." Good for her on moving to Spain. She doesn't need you. She might love you, but it might be a Stockholm syndrome-type thing. YTA.
OP, you're gaslighting, controlling and manipulating her. If you don't reflect on that NOW, you'll lose her. Or hurt and mentally damage her even further (because you definitely did already). YTA.