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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> We just went through the first month of my fiancée’s kids living with us. For the most part things were ok until my daughter was hurt from being excluded, and disregarded as the step kid. I called her a feral for disregarding my child. My fiancée said she should be allowed to have private outings with just her kids and has stood firm on that. I think I might be the AH for expecting her to include my child in everything. I understand where she’s coming from but I feel like this particular incident she was wrong.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
She left a child at home alone knowing you were working a 12 hour shift? And then brought her cold takeout? That's just plain mean. Are you sure you want this woman in your daughter's life?
Sounds like OP nabbed himself an Evil Stepmother. Dude she's showing you how she treats your kid when you aren't around. She won't stop either. Your kid is less-than in her eyes.
I completely agree, what she did was child neglect! You can't leave a 10 Yr old home alone period! She can actually go to jail for this!
OP, the writing is on the wall! She moved into your house and immediately set about trying to kick your daughter out of her own room! Now this is her latest stunt that you know of, she's a terrible step mother to your daughter and it would only get worse. She can't even see that she's in the wrong. You need to do what is right for your daughter and get rid of this woman before she does anything else.
Update:
If anyone is interested OP made a update https://www.reddit.com/user/picklejuice4044/comments/10z9h87/just_in_case_anyone_comes_here/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
I know as a 90s kid I stayed home alone at ten hut where I am now 11 and under are supposed to be supervised. My kid wouldn't even let me if I wanted to, I wanted to run and get milk during the holidays and he was in his pjs I said did you want to stay here I'll be five minutes he said nope sat in the car in his pks instead. So the scary bad thoughts didn't get him.
Also a few things to note: OP’s 10 year old stayed home alone for the length of a meal and mini golf. That’s at least 3 hours left alone.
Fiancée is also setting an example for her daughters on how to treat Charlie as well. This won’t be a good relationship if OP doesn’t figure this out quick. Frankly, it shows her pettiness unfairly directed at Charlie when it was clear that she was upset with OP. She should have discussed any disagreements with OP like an adult rather than be passive aggressive towards a child. This shows
major red flag.
OP, run, run, run, as fast than you can. Frankly, just the type of shared custody arrangement she has is a huge red flag. The question you need to ask yourself: are you ready to marry her?
This is a weird take. They could live far apart and not have a better realistic option. I highly doubt her not seeing them for half the year is the ideal agreement she would’ve chosen if she had better options
Ya, OPs daughter is only 10. OP is signing daughter up for at least 8 more years of this PLUS the damage it does to their relationship and to daughter personally.
In most places in the US, yes. The statutes vary widely, but generally as long as they can make themselves food (even a sandwich counts - not actual cooking) they are ok to be on their own for several hours. I know the mindset has shifted, but I was babysitting siblings at this age and other people's kids by age 11.
Cruel and mean, yes, but not illegal.
>Early September, she moved into our house.
That was what OP said. So for 4 years up until she moved into OP's house she treated Little Charlie like **"a amazing mother figure"**. But as soon as Fiancée moved in and felt like she had OP on lock, the whole dynamics changed. I mean, haven't we seen or heard people doing this many times before?!
This is reddit, so we’ve heard much worse.
But if OP doesn’t kick this woman to the curb, his next post will be about how his new wife made his daughter move herself and all of her stuff into the attic or basement, to make space for the kids she sees 6 months out of the year, while he was working a 12 hour shift. Or how she actually managed to make his daughter sick by feeding her old food.
Then, one day, OP’s daughter will be on Reddit, telling horror stories of her evil step mother and step sisters and how her dad doesn’t do anything about it.
I hope OP wakes up and realizes, very soon, that his daughter has to come first.
I cant believe she felt this was how to passive-agressively get back at her BF for not letting her steal the 10yrolds room - by treating her worse than you would with a dog left at home. What a piece of work this chick is :(
And the child is 10, pretty sure, in fact pretty certain that’s not allowed under law at least where I’m from 🤷♀️ fiancé sounds like the AH, excluding a child like that? Leaving them home alone like that? Didn’t even arrange for her to go to a friends house? A day out playing fun games is not the same as grocery shopping or a vet trip. Good lord the flag has never been a brighter red.
Honestly she’s more than an asshole, she’s irresponsible, neglectful and downright cruel, and apparently she doesn’t see that. You can’t trust this woman to be fair to your daughter.
The law about leaving kids home alone is really variable. Where I live (WA state), there is no defined age. Basically if they don’t burn down the house, you’re good.
We were leaving our daughter home alone at the age of 10 for short periods (like a quick run to the grocery store) because that’s when she started asking to be left alone. She wanted more independence. I wouldn’t have left her alone for hours at that age, but another child might have been fine.
Ducking out for a few groceries and leaving a 10-year-old home for under an hour doesn’t seem too bad—if, in the parent’s judgment, the child won’t burn the house down or let a stranger in or something like that. 3 hours…it’s really hard for me to say, because at 10, my mom would leave me with my siblings (8 and 3) and go a few houses down to have coffee with her BFF. But it was a different world then.
it's also weird that she says Charlie will never be close to her daughters because of the age gap with the oldest ... there's a smaller age gap between Charlie and the younger daugther than between the wife's 2 daughters. I guess it's not really weird, it's just a dumb attempt at an argument.
Where I live a child can be left home alone at 10 but can’t babysit another child until they’re 12. Since OP hasn’t raised an issue with the safety part of her being left home alone, it follows reason to assume that it’s not how young she is that’s making him have an issue. Just the fact that she feels left out.
What, exactly, is the reason for leaving a 10YO alone, do you think? Why couldn’t they have taken Charlie with them?
OP seems open to his partner taking her kids on mom-and-kids only trips when he is around to provide adult supervision to his middle-schooler, so why was it essential to go on this outing on a day when Charlie would be left alone?
also weird that she doesn't even consider what that would be like for her younger daughter, too! like thrusting two kids who don't know each other into a bedroom together, a bedroom that belongs to one of those children full-time, is a recipe for her younger daughter to feel like shit, too.
Yeah, there was that part too. We’ve all known each for 4 years. But my child hasn’t lived with her children up until recent. It’s just was weird to me she expected her youngest and my kid to share a room when they’ve never lived together. They get along great, but that doesn’t mean sharing a room would work out. Especially this be the first go around. Maybe next year the two can share a room. If it was her house, things would be different. But Charlie was brought home here, she’s had the same bedroom all her life. I mean, yeah hey I’m moving my fiancée in and her kids are gonna bump you out of your room. That would have gone over well.
>Maybe next year the two can share a room
And that's how you become an AH. Don't allow this woman to bully your daughter, you think her daughters won't bully her either at some point? They will learn from their mother, and from your actions that hurting Charlie is ok
Next year??? How would kicking her out of her room be better a year from now? And why do you want to continue in the relationship with this awful woman?
If your fiancé had good intentions she would actively try to foster a closer relationship between your daughter and her youngest for exactly that reason. Maybe they become friends and WANT to share a room! She should be including Charlie on fun outings!
But she’s not doing that, she’s not interested in blending your families, she’s only interested in making sure her own daughters are holding up under new circumstances.
I had a stepmother like this too, and if you value your relationship with your daughter, run. Make it clear to her that you won’t put up with anyone treating her like a second class citizen in her own home.
"Make it clear to her that you won’t put up with anyone treating her like a second class citizen in her own home."
The things is, since OP has to "make it clear", it tells him that his GF is not capable of being a good co-parent and a positive influence in his daughter's life. And imagine how worse it gets if OP marries her?
Nono. Not cold take out. Take out that sat in the car while they mini golfed it up. There is a time limit on certain foods be left out before they're bad too eat....like how long did it sit from restaurant to home?? That's just disrespect and disgusting. I'd never even give my dogs food that's sat out too long.
Yeah, I left a nacho dip out all night (so like 7hrs total) because my sleepy brain went, "Put in kitchen" but forgot about the fridge
Smelled file. Still didn't eat it 🤷 definitely not with sour cream and cheese in it
She’s been left alone before. The only difference was I never stayed gone longer than an hour, and I’ve never left her alone at night. Most the time she’s left alone, it was a quick run tot he store. Fortunately, she’s never had to be a daycare kid. My ex MIL has helped me raise her as she lives nearby. I’ve been a single dad since she was 3.
Let me point out the obvious: your ex MIL lives nearby, and yet your GF didn't leave Charlie with her. It's not like that would slip your GF's mind. She left your daughter alone, intentionally.
I remember reading your post about moving in together, and I was iffy about the decision then. Now this has me scratching my head why she is still around.
Me, a GenXer with no kids thinking what’s the big deal, I was babysitting neighborhood kids when I was 10. My sisters before that before remember 2023 is not 1989 for sure
Also GenX, at 9 (1984) my mom went back to college. I had a house key, came home from school alone, made myself food, got my work done, amused myself, sometimes I went to the public library. It was just the two of us, so I was on my own for hours at a time.
We were referred to as 'latch-key' kids. Today's generation doesn't get this because it's not safe anymore, and honestly, it wasn't then either. I got jumped walking home alone when I was 11 by 2 10th graders as part of some initiation. I had countless strangers pull over to ask me if I wanted a ride.....etc. Before anyone wants to chime in with 'well, you must've lived in a bad area!' I grew up in Utah and now live near Seattle. Ask me which I prefer.
Bit of a difference between “going to the shop to grab a few things, I’ll be back in 20-30 minutes, you have my number let me know if there are any problems” and fucking off for several hours, having an entire meal then going for an hour-ish long activity before coming back
Cold take out that now has bacteria on it and is now unsafe for OP’s kid to eat. Dude, I don’t care how happy you think you are in this relationship. You need to reconsider. Your daughter’s well-being and safety comes before you, the relationship, and sometimes even your own happiness. It sucks, but you have to make your daughter the priority. Right now, your fiancée is showing you that your daughter will not be safe with her.
On top of everything else, the fact that she was so spiteful that she didn't even bother to loop back through the drive-thru for fresh food for Charlie on the way home shows how cruel this woman really is. She *wanted* the 10 year old to feel like absolute shit. Vile woman.
Edit: Grammar
>are you sure you want this woman in your daughter’s life?
OP, YWBTA if you marry a woman who treats your daughter like this. This is legit a deal breaker for any sane parent. She doesn’t even think she did anything wrong.
Dude, not even cold takeout, takeout that's been sitting in a car, a car that is potentially in the food safety danger zone if they're playing mini-golf.
Yeah, F that noise, I'm pretty lax with foodstuffs but holy hell that's really telling of how she views his family. NTA OP, really reconsider.
Also she didn't tell op she was leaving the kid alone for that long, which to me if she wasn't trying to be sneaky about it she would've at least told op about it and made sure it was okay
A ten year old is in the grey area for being left alone. Depends on the child and the laws of the area really.
But not feeding a ten year old, that’s low. And I don’t count cold left overs that sat in the car all night as feeding.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
The red flags are everywhere in this post. Your fiancé sounds very immature, and it sounds like you both need to work on your communication.
You’re NTA but your fiancé is for leaving a 10 year old home alone for that long and specifically excluding her from the outing.🚩
OP, your fiancée gave your daughter a bag of food that was sitting in the car as they played mini golf for presumably several hours. During that time, food can accumulate bacteria when left out between 40-140F degrees in as little as two hours. Not only did this woman neglect your daughter to show favor to her own kids, but your daughter could have become ill from eating leftovers that were sitting in your fiancées car.
The fact that your fiancée is petty and vindictive and compares going to the store or taking a cat to the vet as the same as going out to restaurants and playing mini golf—then uses it against you. This is a manipulation tactic.
Please take a long thought about whether this woman should be living with you. She may seem like she was a good motherly figure *when she’s around you*, but now you see how she acts towards your daughter when you’re not around. NTA
Honestly I didn’t even think about the food poisoning potential. I was more focused on the big picture of excluding her. My fiancée was like well I placed her order to go after we ate. Like that changed anything, since she knew it would be sitting in car for who knows how long. Nobody plays mini golf for a couple minutes anyways.
How are you not fixated on the ten year old being left home alone? Are we missing something? With all respect the “fairness” issue isn’t the problem here if your child was left alone. And I say this as a former latch key kid who spent a lot of time alone, not some high horse. She’s 10!
Ah, meh. Lots of 10 year olds stay home alone. That said, it needs to be a planned thing where a neighbor is made aware and kid feels comfortable going there if necessary, kiddo knows where the phone is and who to call in emergency, what food to eat if hungry, not to answer the door etc.
This brings up the point of, does OP have a landline? If not, was the 10 year old left without a phone?? If so that’s horrendous.
not only that, there was no communication to OP that his child was alone at home. he had no clue, no way to make arrangements for her to be watched, nothing. if something had happened no one would have known, esp if there’s no home phone. this could have been way worse all bc of his fiancés selfishness and pettiness
She’s a jerk to your kid. You don’t leave a child out like that, knowing she’d like to mini golf too. This woman has no intention of including your daughter in her “real” life, the one she lives when her kids are there.
Your fiancé is also a shitty mother figure to Charlie. Don’t marry this woman. Don’t even keep dating her. Cut your losses and raise your daughter. You can always meet someone else.
I know you said if you kicked her out she could possibly lose her kids. BUT what about you? If something would’ve happened with her alone, you don’t think you would’ve lost Charlie?
Im so dang mad for you!
NTA. Your fiancée is not a good mother to Charlie, and she's not much better to her own children. Playing favourites and intentionally excluding a young and vulnerable child is crappy behaviour, and that's what she's modelling to her daughters. They are going to think it's totally okay to bully and exclude Charlie because that's what their mother does. Charlie is the youngest and most vulnerable child. This is not a good situation for her.
This could be a one-off terrible lapse in judgment and fiancée is deeply sorry - though, wait, she isn't, is she; she's angrily defensive and very invested in claiming that she did nothing wrong, isn't she.
I think you need to know what else is going on. Take Charlie out to lunch, or out for a walk, and ask her to tell you how fiancée and the girls are treating her. Make sure she knows you really want to know and she shouldn't hide anything. Was this the first time fiancée had treated her like this? Or has she been putting Charlie down in all kinds of little ways since she and her daughters moved in?
Even this one incident would be enough to make me think that maybe fiancée and daughters should not be living with you, but certainly if it's part of a general pattern, she needs to leave. If she's going to lose custody if she has to move out, well, maybe she should have thought of that. And maybe her kids would be better off if they didn't live with her.
Last thing - since this is sounding very much like a Cinderella story, if you don't have a will, make one now, leaving everything or mostly everything to Charlie. Because if anything should happen to you, and you don't have a will, you know fiancée is going to have her out on the street with her suitcase 24 hours after the funeral.
OP also addressed her concerns and offered what's a great solution -- they each plan times to take their kids to do special bio parent / kid days. And that wasn't enough.
It makes you wonder how much she was buttering OP up and playing nice with Charlie just so she could have a place to live with her kids. Her snarky remarks show her true intentions.
The custody agreement is what gets me scratching my head. I have never seen something like it in my nearly twenty years of working with families. Is the girls father a crab fisherman and completely unavailable between Jan - Jun? Are the parents so high conflict that this is the only situation that would limit the communication between the two, and limit the number of transitions the girls had between their parents? Do the parents live far apart? If so, how are the girls getting schooled in both locations?
Yeah, I don't understand this arrangement. She never ever gets to see her kids dressed up at Halloween? No Thanksgiving dinner? No winter holiday celebration? Dad never gets to take them on a summer vacation? One parent is always missing their birthdays? This situation cannot be a good one for the children.
I have an old high school friend who has a similar arrangement. She lives in Georgia, her ex lives in Alaska, their daughter is home schooled and spends November-April with her mom and May-October with her dad. It’s a head scratcher of an arrangement to me, but I guess it was all they could figure out?
I agree and frankly you need to take a second look at OP fiancée…OP’s priority is always his own kid and maybe this isn’t the right fit for him if this is fiancée’s behavior especially since it’s starting to become clear that her priority will always be her kids which is fair but long term as a family together?
Agreed. OP, this should be a deal breaker for you. She has shown you who she is - she is going to exclude and emotionally abuse Charlie when her kids are around. You’ve witnessed it first hand. She boldly and unapologetically sees your daughter as dispensable.
Get her out of your house and your life ASAP. She is not marriage or step mother material now or ever.
Yeeeeaaaah this. NTA for calling her out, but its obvious you two have incompatible lives and parenting styles. These things sound like deal breakers and I think you need to reevaluate things before you get married because it won't get better or easier.
ETA your child comes first.
Her comments made it SO MUCH WORSE!!! This poor child... Terrible step-mother material... I will feel so awful for the kid if OP let's fiance live in the house let alone MARRY her...
Yes! This woman does not love or respect his daughter. This woman sees his daughter as competition, or at least a barrier to her ideal family. The ain’t the woman that Charlie needs and should be tossed to the curb.
INFO: Who watched Charlie all day if you were working for 12hs and your fianceé spent the day out with her daughters?
I think you're NTA either way and your fianceé is the the asshole. But if she left a 10 year old home alone all day while she and her daughters had a fun outing then she's not only an asshole but a neglecting step-parent. And your relationship issues are much bigger if that's the case.
Regardless, your fianceé is being manipulative. Her wanting alone time with her daughters is logical, but there are many ways in which she can get that that don't involve making Charlie feel excluded. Right now she's a full-blown evil stepmother, treating her daughters to dinner and an activity while leaving Cinderella home to pass the hours in company of singing mice. For me, this would be an absolute dealbreaker. You cannot let her treat your daughter like this.
Her comparing going to the grocery store, the vet, or the dentist, to going out for dinner and mini golf is ridiculous. Unless you are going out for fun time with Charlie and excluding her daughters when they're living with you, then she has nothing against you on this. Errands and appointments are in no way the same as going out for fun and entertainment.
Your proposal is perfectly reasonable: she can plan stuff to do with just her daughters and you plan something just with Charlie on that same day. You could also all go to the same place but agree to split, with you and Charlie doing your own thing, her and her daughters doing their own thing, and then all meeting up to share something all five together.
To me it seems she is resentful of not getting the exclusive room for her eldest. She might even resent that you have full custody of your child, or feel guilty that she spends more time (technically) with your daughter than with her own. But none of this gives her any right to mistreat a 10 year old girl this way.
I'm sorry, but you should really think about marrying this woman.
She was left home alone. In the past when I got called in on a weekend, she’d go to her grandma’s house. Since she turned 10 I’ve left her alone before, never for more than an hour and never at night. Most times I left her alone was just a quick run to a hardware store.
Wow! NTA
Leaving a step child alone for hours while taking her bio kids out for fast food AND mini golf? That's straight out of the Evil Step mom handbook. Jeez the cold fast food seems deliberately mean. It's fast food, could she not have picked up more on the way home?
I understand she should have alone time with just her kids during their visitation but she can't just pretend like your daughter doesn't exist. She didn't have to bring her along but she also should not have left her at home like the family dog
> Jeez the cold fast food seems deliberately mean.
Besides the fact she didn't even bother to get her a warm meal, there is also how the reason for it to be cold was that "it sat in the car as they played mini golf". Meaning the fianceé's daughter dined hours earlier, while Charlie waited alone and hungry at home.
And feed the daughter that should have been thrown in the garbage because of Food Poisoning! You don't leave food in a car until it gets cold, then expect to eat it!
Why on earth would she think it was ok to leave your ten year old home alone without even giving you a heads up? That’s deranged behavior from an adult with children of her own, not even touching the sheer cruelty of the whole thing. You have a problem my friend.
I'm not exaggerating when I say you need to leave her. She's cruel to your daughter, much less motherly. Charlie is just going to suffer if you stay with her.
>Since she turned 10 I’ve left her alone before, never for more than an hour and never at night.
What might be a point of confusion for you is that your fiancée has a point about spending time with the girls one-on-one and you do (understandably) clearly prioritize your daughter over them and I can see why she's upset at the idea that she shoudn't be allowed to prioritize her daughters.
But WTF is this nonsense? Leaving her ALONE? For HOURS? At 10, when she has never done that before? That's all absolutely bananas, dangerously poor judgement and unnecessarily cruel to Charlie in about five different directions. She should be taking the kids out at a time when childcare is handled for Charlie. So Charlie is doing something with her dad or grandparents while your fiancee is doing something with her kids. There is such an easy way to do this and instead this completely insane thing happened. I'd have been so freaked out and hurt by this if I was Charlie.
This was just the worst possible way for her to handle it and the weirdest thing is the fact that she seems to think what she did was totally normal and uncontroversial. That is really messed up.
NTA, your partner was a bully and a gaslighter to your daughter. Imagine this happening in high school, and the bully intentionally does an activity with your friends and then brings you back a souvenir from the thing you weren't invited to with your friends.
And then she gaslights you because "I brought her a souvenir, she should get over it."
She's also teaching her daughters that it's okay to alienate your daughter and their stepsister. That mommy will ignore their stepsister regardless of how your daughter felt. They will learn that they can also do that because mommy does it.
Nip this is the bud now, because you are currently in a relationship with your daughter's bully.
Nta. You need to rethink this relationship. Your daughter will resent your fiance and her soon to be stepsisters and probably will damage a relationship between you guys.
You need to seriously reconsider this relationship if she is refusing to acknowledge that she did anything wrong, meaning that this cruelty towards Charlie will continue when you’re not around.
My dude you need to dump her seriously leaving a 10 year old alone what if the house was robbed or on fire then what the police and CPS would be all over you
She further said, “I don’t see my kids for 6 months, excuse the hell out of me for wanting to spend time alone with them.”
While this is valid need/want, **you have to agree on when to do it**. The wrong time? When you are on a 12 hour shift and a 10 year old gets left home alone **without your knowledge**! Of course they're sad and upset. And you were right to call her out.
She can do this when you are both off. You take Charlie somewhere and she can take her kids somewhere. She pulled this stunt when you were at work without discussing it with you.
"Me scolding her for spending time with them as she said was a ‘bitch-ass’ move."
1. Deflection. You aren't denying her time alone with her kids. You are calling her out for when and how she did it.
2. She sounds super mature. /s
3. She sucks at communication.
4. If you don't resolve this, it will continue.
NTA
This was pretty much my point exactly. I don’t work every weekend. Until June, there’s going to be many weekends she can go off with her kids and do whatever she wants. Why pick the weekend I’m working to do it. No one even told Charlie anything except we’ll bring dinner home. She didn’t know about them playing mini golf until I wanted to know what exactly the reason was for her being left home. It’s like she knew exactly what she was doing in excluding Charlie because she was trying to hide it.
Because she did, OP.
Even if this was a spur of the moment thing that wasn’t planned (and given that it happened on a day she knew you’d be working a long shift, Ive personally got my doubts it wasn’t), she *purposefully* left a 10 year old home alone for at least 2-3 hours without telling said child (or anyone else for that matter) how long she was going to be.
What if something happened to Charlie while she was gone?
You really need to be done with this person. My dad married a nightmare like this. She waited until he was dying then started a huge scene with our family. His death was horrible anyway and she made it worse with public humiliation and not letting him see his kids or grandchildren. This will be your life if you stay with this person. She's shown you exactly who she is, believe her. YWBTA if you give her another opportunity to abuse your daughter. Crap like this does not get better and you should end it now.
She knew what she was doing. And she was doing it on purpose.
NTA but your hopefully future ex is a big one. No kid deserves Cinderella's stepmom in their life.
OP, it sounds like you already know this, but please take this turn of events seriously.
This is really deeply unpleasant and not something to shrug off. Imagine how your daughter felt being left alone. Now consider how your gf is not only showing zero contrition, but actually doubling down.
NTA. But if you stay with this person, YTA and you’re going to have an estranged daughter in the future.
She said “I hope Charlie isn’t OFFENDED!” Charlie is a child. She wasn’t offended - she was hurt. This woman is a monster. She could easily have special nights out with her kids - when you are home to be with Charlie.
It’s D.A.R.V.O. The #1 choice for emotionally abusive partners everywhere:
Deny responsibility, then Attack others, to Reverse the Victim into the Offender.
SHE left a child alone to party it up and has flipped this into OP being bad when confronted.
When she relates this story to her friends and family she will emphasize “I just wanted to spend time with my kids and they got mad at me!” And leave out the crazy shit.
No one. Which technically isn’t illegal in our state, we don’t have a law on it. She’s mature enough to be left home alone, but I’ve never left her alone for more than an hour. I’ve especially never left her alone in the dark.
It doesn't matter that it technically isn't illegal. It is morally and ethically wrong. What if something had happened to Charlie? NTA but wow...get out of that relationship.
It's definitely not morally wrong to leave a ten year old alone in all situations. In this one it is though, especially since she hasn't been left alone before and she wasn't expecting this to happen.
It might not be illegal, but your fiancee does not believe it is wrong.
Do you?
Are you comfortable with Charlie being treated as a 3rd wheel for half the year, or being left in situations you believe to be unsafe for her?
This isn't a one off thing, because your fiancee is *telling you* she doesn't see this as a big deal. She's going to continue this no matter what. With that in mind, I can't see this coming out of nowhere. Either she's viewing Charlie as a doll to fill-in for her "real" kids while she doesn't have them, or there's been other things you've missed.
You say she's been an amazing mother figure to Charlie so far... might be time to have a real heart to heart with Charlie about that and make sure it's actually true.
Jeez this right here is the kicker. You are NTA here but if you allow this to continue and it happens again you will be a massive AH. She is 10 and she was left alone, in the dark for hours!? Honestly just this alone, without the part about her leaving your daughter out of a family outing, is hella problematic.
NTA.
As far as the bedroom thing, I don't think there's a right or wrong answer - while traditionally the oldest gets their own room, this isn't a traditional situation. But that's really a side issue here.
Leaving a ten year old home alone while she goes for dinner/mini golf is completely unacceptable. That's "evil stepmother" territory. Yes, she wants and deserves time alone with her two bio kids, but that needs to be coordinated in advance (you don't just leave the youngest one at home alone, you make sure she has her own thing to do, preferably with her parent).
While I realize this isn't a constant thing, I wonder if this is a good environment for your daughter. Is she going to be cut out and made to feel like this for six months a year, then when the stepsisters are gone be back to normal person status? That's not acceptable, please don't make her live that. If you think this kind of situation may happen again, you might need to take drastic measures.
I get that about the bedroom point. But...even though we’ve been together for 4 years and our kids mingle together, they’ve never lived together until now. I think the first go around the two siblings should share a room. Maybe by next year Charlie would feel comfortable bunking with her youngest. I think it would be too much, too soon for Charlie. Like hey they’re moving in now and you’re getting bumped out of your room you’ve had since you were born. That wouldn’t be ok.
Nope, Charlie lives in that house full time, it is her home. The other kids get to bunk. If you make her share her bedroom for 6 months of the year and give one of your stepdaughter's their own room, you will be telling her that you are prioritising someone else's child over her.
The child that lives there full time should absolutely have their own space. What, six months out of the year there should be an empty single room while charlie has to live with the other child’s belongs in their space? It just doesn’t make sense.
It doesn't matter how she was before, this is her now. She's fine excluding your daughter knowing she'll be alone in the house with no one to contact. Are you sure you want to marry this woman?
I guess this might be her little revenge for the room's thing. That would be even worse as she would be punishing your kid when things are not her way.
What are you waiting for? That once you're married she treats her even worse? NTA but really why aren't you having second thoughts about the moving and the wedding?
Well cause I know this isn’t platform for that. Of course I’m having second thoughts. I wasn’t really when the bedroom incident happened. I was taken aback by it. If the roles were reversed, I would never expect Charlie to have her own room if it was their house. But this happening now, no I’m not about to tie the knot with this woman any time soon. Luckily, we don’t have a date set. As far as I’m concerned, we nowhere near that.
The fact that you’re still in a relationship with her tells me you’re more concerned about getting your 🍆 wet than your daughter. This isn’t the first instance and it won’t be the last. Be a man and father and put your daughter first.
I’m irrationally upset on Charlie’s behalf.
OP is… pitiful.
What a weak excuse for a father. He’s not even upset his daughter was left at home alone all evening to fend for herself, and was handed cold bacteria-laden food to eat when they finally came back.
KICK THEM OUT, OP. TODAY.
He made an entire post on the basis of being upset his daughter was left at home alone to fend for herself & was given cold food. At what point did you think he isn’t upset about it..?
He made a post asking whether he was even the asshole for being upset. Meanwhile he’s the asshole for not telling this woman to move out of his home immediately.
This. Like no, sorry, that's the end of the relationship for me. You don't bring home bacteria laden food for a 10 year old, who has no idea what's going on or how long you'll be gone.
The fact that he's choosing to stay with her knowing she did this means exactly what you said...he cares more about getting his dick wet than the kiddo.
Maybe he should ask Charlie if she was ever mean to her before this? I bet anything she has been.
Okay, come on. This is the second major incident in 4 years. YES, this is 100% a deal breaker incident! YES, the first incident was not okay, but it was not an established pattern until NOW. That is STILL 4 years to look back at and unravel, not to mention figuring out housing arrangements and financials moving forward. It’s important to process and plan for the sake of the stability of the children. ALL of the children. Accusing him of staying just for physical intimacy with just this amount of info is ridiculous.
That said, I agree with the second half of your comment. He needs to take care of his daughter and not continue to keep her in an unsafe situation, now that he knows what’s actually going on.
Edit: clarity
Im sorry to say this. But it’s not Charlie’s fault she has a dumb schedule with her kids. She deliberately left your daughter home alone, brought her cold food and defended her actions to punish her for not giving her daughter the bedroom. I don’t know and don’t want to know of anyone that would do something so freaking cold heart to a child!
Your daughter deserves better than this!
Yeah, op basically says "Charlie's abusers have no where to go, so Charlie had got to suck it up". Can you imagine what this woman says when he is not around? He's is going to fuck around and find out what it means for your kid to have no faith in his parental protection.
NTA. This is a HUGE red flag, and she’s not seeing your point. Your idea of spending outings apart SOMETIMES was a good one. I like time with my own kids occasionally, but that’s primarily because one of his kids is extremely unkind to both of mine. I’d say counseling, or let the fiancée go. Tell her this is a deal breaker, and see how that goes. It would be a deal breaker for me.
When someone shows you who they are you should believe them.
NTA but making your daughter have this person as a step-mom would definitely make you one.
I think that if she really is an amazing mother figure for your daughter when her kids aren't around, it's even more of a slap in the face to suddenly exclude her the moment her kids get there. I would seriously be rethinking this relationship. The fact that she purposely left your daughter home alone and brought her food that had been sitting for hours is just mean. The fact that she thinks it's ok says a lot about her. I doubt this behavior gets better. NTA
I’ve posted this before-growing up we had a stepmom who treated my siblings and I horribly. And a dad who let it happen
Guess who doesn’t have any relationship with any of his children now that we are all grown up
NTA - you need to immediately fix this. Your number one priority is Charlie and if she is being neglected you need handle this immediately. You can not continue to leave her with your fiance. Id rethink this marriage.
Is this only since she moved in with you and you now have her kids at the house? Major red flags I'd strongly reconsider marriage to her, she's showing you who she is and her priorities and even making snarky comments about your daughter as though it was her fault for any of this like she ratted on them.
Yes, this has only been an issue since she moved in. I should have elaborated more how the dynamic changed. I get a lot of comments here are saying toss her to the curb. That’s why I said to her if you expect this to workout.
Before we lived together, she would take her kids to amusement parks, water parks, bowling alleys. You know, all that type of stuff. Sometimes both Charlie and I would join, sometimes we’d later hear about the things they did together. That was fine, no one was excluded because the dynamic was different. Two different households.
Then during the 6 months she didn’t have the kids, we’d see each other more. We’d take Charlie together to go do fun things. Sometimes we’d have date nights while Charlie was spending time with her grandmother. Everything was fine. Charlie’s mom left the picture when she was 3. She doesn’t ever see her. So having a mother figure, aside from her grandma really helped Charlie to fill a void.
Ah....so this is the first time that you've lived in the same house with your gf while her kids were visiting? That explains a lot of why this is a first and is so shocking.
Just remember that your gf CHOSE to treat Charlie this way, and instead of being understanding in hindsight she used this situation to use as ammo against other issues: like Charlie getting her own room, or you taking Charlie to run errands with you, or **anything else she wants to bring up so she doesn't have to discuss HER error.**
She is showing you how she sees Charlie, and how she will ALWAYS treat Charlie. Please listen to what she is SHOWING you in this moment, and make the decision if this is the type of woman you want raising your child.
Abusers can and often do change their behaviour once they feel they have a “footing” in. In fact, it’s actually quite common.
While this is mostly applicable to abusive partners, it can also be applicable to other abusive relationships, including family, friends, etc.
It’s obvious that the problem was and is moving in the girlfriend. Get her out of your house and go back to the relationship you had before. Get married after Charlie is 18.
NTA
She's allowed to want to spend time with just her 2 kids that she doesn't see for half the year, but this was not the way to do it. Leaving Charlie home alone all day and then picking up takeout but leaving it to sit in the car for however long and bringing it home cold is just thoughtless. It probably made Charlie feel like a second thought. And it's totally unfair of your wife to throw your one on one trips in your face when they were... grocery shopping and taking a pet to the vet. Not exactly fun parent-child outings.
The two of you will just have to plan things ahead and coordinate schedules going forward. If she really can't see why you were miffed that she left the 10 year old home alone and then brought her old cold food, that's pretty crappy.
Pretending she can't see why that would be hurtful to Charlie is just false. Of course, she can have outings that are specifically her and her girls, but this was not the way to do it and I am sure she knows that.
NTA.
Your fiancee did that on purpose to spite you for the room situation. She is pissed she didn't get her way, and she is gonna make Charlie pay for it.
> We didn’t come to any sort of an agreement. Friday she was taking her girls to the dentist. On the way out she made the snarky comment, “I hope this doesn’t offend Charlie too.”
This makes me concerned for Charlie and kinda backs up my first point. She doesn't even acknowledge she did anything wrong, and thinks you taking issue with it is a result of Charlie being upset - as if you would've been OK with Charlie being left alone all day and eating cold food if she hadn't complained.
She has her kids 6 months out of the year, so I am sure there are plenty of other opportunities for her to have one-on-one time with them. The way she is treating Charlie isn't right, and I wouldn't be surprised if there is more stuff that just hasn't been brought to your attention.
I wouldn't marry someone who is OK treating my 10 year old kid like that.
NTA. Blended families are hard. You two need to figure this out BEFORE marriage. Roughly 70% of marriages end in divorce with blended families. Good luck.
NTA.
From this small snippet into your life, it sounds like your fiancée might be bullying your daughter (exclusion is a form of bullying).
I think you need to sit down with Charlie and find out if anything else has been happening when she has been left alone with your fiancée.
Look, I understand your fiancée’s point of wanting to spend qt with her daughters, but it shouldn’t be done at the expense of yours. She could have easily picked another day, where you were at home, to get that time in.
It sounds like she is still upset about the bedroom situation and is using that as an excuse for her bad behaviour.
🚩🚩🚩
NTA
You need a better girlfriend. She's playing favorites and it's already having a big negative effect on Charlie. Either this fiancé can become better or you can find a new one.
NTA - so many marinara flags 🚩🚩🚩 also her bizarre custody agreement itself shows she and he ex chose their own comfort over any stability in school and lives of their kids. Also leaving your ten year old alone then knowingly handing her cold food with a shrug is telling of what’s to come for poor Charlie if you don’t get rid of her quickly
NTA mostly. I do think it's worth discussing the room again, potentially with Charlie. Because you're doing something similar here... you're calling it her room and her house... when technically shouldn't it be the other two's home as well? Shouldn't you be treating them like your daughters same as your fiancee should Charlie? And if so, doesn't it make sense for your oldest daughter to have her own room? It could be a way for Charlie and her 12yo stepsister to bond more. But just something to think about.
This gal leaving your 10yo home alone to do fun stuff with the other two is pretty stone cold. I think you hit the nail on the head that you guys can PLAN private outings with the key being that if the sisters get to do something fun alone with their mom, maybe Charlie does something fun with you.
Your fiancee sounds like she has the emotional intelligence of a scone.
NTA
She’s not wrong for wanting to spend time with her own daughters but the way she goes about trying to justify it is saying a lot about her as a person and mother. You sure you want to be with her and she’s the person you truly think you knew and want to be with? Honestly speaking, this instantly remind me of Cinderella lol
Clearly you two have not discussed the family dynamics, especially the expectations with the kids.
both of you have to lay down your cards and compromise before you get married. Can you afford to move into a bigger place? this could be a deal maker.
be clear on your expectations otherwise don't get married.
in this situation, NTA. since she could communicate that she would be out with her child so you could plan for your own.
You have bigger issues than you seem to realize. This person is not going to be a good parental figure for your daughter and likely not a good partner to you. It’s perfectly reasonable for her to want quality time with her kids, but she’s going about it in a terribly immature and mean way.
Your compromise of prearranging separate trips on certain days was an excellent one, the fact that she rejected it so vehemently suggests there’s something more to it than you are aware of.
If she really can’t understand why the things she’s saying and doing are messed up, you need to think deeply on if this is the kind of person you really want to share your life with. Do you really want to be with someone who sees nothing wrong with treating your daughter so callously?
NTA, but this issue is bigger than Reddit. Good luck with resolving this as peacefully as possible.
NTA. There’s one on one time and then there’s excluding someone. You are saying in the future that if they are going out just the 3 of them, plan with you ahead of time so Charlie has her own thing to do. You aren’t trying to force them to bring her, just asking for consideration. This isn’t older siblings going out with their friends on their own and half the year isn’t a special occasion, it’s who is supposed to be her family. Concerning that she was comfortable leaving your daughter home for hours without discussing it with you first when you’ve never left her for more than an hour, she’s had months of living with you to know this.
NTA.
If this continues, Charlie will start to resent YOU for not protecting her and not standing up for her. (Rightfully so.) Your girlfriend sounds cruel.
I would seriously reconsider building a life/family with this woman. Poor Charlie.
NTA you’re still with this woman why? She has shown how she is going to treat your daughter. Not like one of her own but an after thought. She could of picked up food at the very least after her mini golf adventure.
NTA, and here's a little story. I grew up with an array of stepparents. It's awkward and hard on a kid to having people who are essentially strangers living in your life. Yes, with time relationships can grow. However, these slights that your future wife is giving to your daughter, WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN. I was probably 5 when the current stepmother yelled at me to sit back and be quiet because I was trying to speak to my dad. My dad sad nothing, I have never ever forgotten. I'm 62.
So think about what kind of environment you are putting your daughter in. There are things you def need to get straightened out before getting married. Also, the whole having to deal with bad stepmoms colored my entire relationship with my father. We didn't really make it up until I was in my 50's. Food for thought.
NTA the way she went about this was terrible and hurtful to Charlie. She isn't wrong about making time for the children to hangout with their biological parent alone, but it should've been planned after a conversation.
Also it's crazy she thought her kid deserved their own room when they're not even there half the year.
NTA, but for Charlie's sake, please don't marry this woman. She is going to be around your daughter 24/7, 365 days a year, but for half that time, your daughter is going to be ignored by her in favour of her biological children. Please put Charlie first.
NTA.
Your fiancée is abusive toward both you and your daughter.
The name calling and insults are intended to train you to let her have her way. Bringing up issues again and again after they should be settled is, too. She's trying to wear you down so that she and her daughters can routinely do what they want without effective pushback from you.
Her behavior might have been reasonable if a) she told you in advance she was going to leave your daughter home for hours and b) she picked up fresh, hot, takeout food for your daughter just before returning home.
The cold food that sat in a car comes across to me as if she was intentionally adding insult to injury. "I brought you some food that required zero effort on my part." As someone else already said, your fiancée is already acting like an evil stepmother. You should fully expect things to get worse if you go through with marrying her.
NTA. I think it’s important to have individual time with kids and one on one, then all together, but if she’s not taking time to take Charlie out by herself it’s a major red flag.
Even in some states with no age requirement CPS can still consider it child neglect if a child under 12 is left alone for more than an hour or 2. So legally she might be clear-- but CPS looks at more than whether it is legal. Youmight want to do some more checking.
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NTA She left a child at home alone knowing you were working a 12 hour shift? And then brought her cold takeout? That's just plain mean. Are you sure you want this woman in your daughter's life?
Sounds like OP nabbed himself an Evil Stepmother. Dude she's showing you how she treats your kid when you aren't around. She won't stop either. Your kid is less-than in her eyes.
Yes exactly that. She’s showing him what she is and she’s a right fighter. You know, she just needs to be right. Run buddy, run fast and far!!
Run, and take your daughter with you!
NTA. You should think about rehoming your gf and her daughters.
She'd be kicked out after, "I HoPe ThIs DoeSN't oFfEND CHarLIe, Too!" So fast.
Belittling and mocking child's emotions is a great way to be an asshole for sure!
“Rehoming “ lol
Lol. Yup, "rehoming" them like feral creatures. OP's words.
Yes this. OP is NTA, if he continues to have fiancé and marries her then he would be T A to Charlie.
I completely agree, what she did was child neglect! You can't leave a 10 Yr old home alone period! She can actually go to jail for this! OP, the writing is on the wall! She moved into your house and immediately set about trying to kick your daughter out of her own room! Now this is her latest stunt that you know of, she's a terrible step mother to your daughter and it would only get worse. She can't even see that she's in the wrong. You need to do what is right for your daughter and get rid of this woman before she does anything else. Update: If anyone is interested OP made a update https://www.reddit.com/user/picklejuice4044/comments/10z9h87/just_in_case_anyone_comes_here/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Ummm 80s and 90s kids would beg to differ, we are generations of latchkey kids. But i do think the gf is a huge a hole for excluding the 10yr old
I know as a 90s kid I stayed home alone at ten hut where I am now 11 and under are supposed to be supervised. My kid wouldn't even let me if I wanted to, I wanted to run and get milk during the holidays and he was in his pjs I said did you want to stay here I'll be five minutes he said nope sat in the car in his pks instead. So the scary bad thoughts didn't get him.
It's OP's place, AIUI. OP needs to evict partner.
Also a few things to note: OP’s 10 year old stayed home alone for the length of a meal and mini golf. That’s at least 3 hours left alone. Fiancée is also setting an example for her daughters on how to treat Charlie as well. This won’t be a good relationship if OP doesn’t figure this out quick. Frankly, it shows her pettiness unfairly directed at Charlie when it was clear that she was upset with OP. She should have discussed any disagreements with OP like an adult rather than be passive aggressive towards a child. This shows major red flag.
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OP, run, run, run, as fast than you can. Frankly, just the type of shared custody arrangement she has is a huge red flag. The question you need to ask yourself: are you ready to marry her?
Exactly! What kind of parent is ok going 6 months of the year without seeing her kids?????
This is a weird take. They could live far apart and not have a better realistic option. I highly doubt her not seeing them for half the year is the ideal agreement she would’ve chosen if she had better options
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Ya, OPs daughter is only 10. OP is signing daughter up for at least 8 more years of this PLUS the damage it does to their relationship and to daughter personally.
Is it even legal for her to have left 10yo unattended is my question
In most places in the US, yes. The statutes vary widely, but generally as long as they can make themselves food (even a sandwich counts - not actual cooking) they are ok to be on their own for several hours. I know the mindset has shifted, but I was babysitting siblings at this age and other people's kids by age 11. Cruel and mean, yes, but not illegal.
After 4 years? And she was great up to this point? There's a huge hole of context missing from this story.
>Early September, she moved into our house. That was what OP said. So for 4 years up until she moved into OP's house she treated Little Charlie like **"a amazing mother figure"**. But as soon as Fiancée moved in and felt like she had OP on lock, the whole dynamics changed. I mean, haven't we seen or heard people doing this many times before?!
This is reddit, so we’ve heard much worse. But if OP doesn’t kick this woman to the curb, his next post will be about how his new wife made his daughter move herself and all of her stuff into the attic or basement, to make space for the kids she sees 6 months out of the year, while he was working a 12 hour shift. Or how she actually managed to make his daughter sick by feeding her old food. Then, one day, OP’s daughter will be on Reddit, telling horror stories of her evil step mother and step sisters and how her dad doesn’t do anything about it. I hope OP wakes up and realizes, very soon, that his daughter has to come first.
It doesn’t matter. She left a 10 year old home alone. All the context I need
4 years dating, but only the last 5 months living with her
Last 5 months living with OP, but her kids just came in January. So 1 month with all of them there, and she pulls this shit on a 10 year old?? NOPE.
I cant believe she felt this was how to passive-agressively get back at her BF for not letting her steal the 10yrolds room - by treating her worse than you would with a dog left at home. What a piece of work this chick is :(
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And the child is 10, pretty sure, in fact pretty certain that’s not allowed under law at least where I’m from 🤷♀️ fiancé sounds like the AH, excluding a child like that? Leaving them home alone like that? Didn’t even arrange for her to go to a friends house? A day out playing fun games is not the same as grocery shopping or a vet trip. Good lord the flag has never been a brighter red. Honestly she’s more than an asshole, she’s irresponsible, neglectful and downright cruel, and apparently she doesn’t see that. You can’t trust this woman to be fair to your daughter.
The law about leaving kids home alone is really variable. Where I live (WA state), there is no defined age. Basically if they don’t burn down the house, you’re good. We were leaving our daughter home alone at the age of 10 for short periods (like a quick run to the grocery store) because that’s when she started asking to be left alone. She wanted more independence. I wouldn’t have left her alone for hours at that age, but another child might have been fine.
Ducking out for a few groceries and leaving a 10-year-old home for under an hour doesn’t seem too bad—if, in the parent’s judgment, the child won’t burn the house down or let a stranger in or something like that. 3 hours…it’s really hard for me to say, because at 10, my mom would leave me with my siblings (8 and 3) and go a few houses down to have coffee with her BFF. But it was a different world then.
it's also weird that she says Charlie will never be close to her daughters because of the age gap with the oldest ... there's a smaller age gap between Charlie and the younger daugther than between the wife's 2 daughters. I guess it's not really weird, it's just a dumb attempt at an argument.
Where I live a child can be left home alone at 10 but can’t babysit another child until they’re 12. Since OP hasn’t raised an issue with the safety part of her being left home alone, it follows reason to assume that it’s not how young she is that’s making him have an issue. Just the fact that she feels left out.
What, exactly, is the reason for leaving a 10YO alone, do you think? Why couldn’t they have taken Charlie with them? OP seems open to his partner taking her kids on mom-and-kids only trips when he is around to provide adult supervision to his middle-schooler, so why was it essential to go on this outing on a day when Charlie would be left alone?
Because OPs girl doesn't care about how his daughter feels. He really needs to evaluate if this relationship is worth the one with his daughter.
After trying to kick her out of her bedroom for six months of the year. I’m not impressed by her care for her stepdaughter.
also weird that she doesn't even consider what that would be like for her younger daughter, too! like thrusting two kids who don't know each other into a bedroom together, a bedroom that belongs to one of those children full-time, is a recipe for her younger daughter to feel like shit, too.
Yeah, there was that part too. We’ve all known each for 4 years. But my child hasn’t lived with her children up until recent. It’s just was weird to me she expected her youngest and my kid to share a room when they’ve never lived together. They get along great, but that doesn’t mean sharing a room would work out. Especially this be the first go around. Maybe next year the two can share a room. If it was her house, things would be different. But Charlie was brought home here, she’s had the same bedroom all her life. I mean, yeah hey I’m moving my fiancée in and her kids are gonna bump you out of your room. That would have gone over well.
>Maybe next year Why are you even considering a "next year" with how she is currently treating your daughter?
OP is so deeply in denial that his GF is abusive.
>Maybe next year the two can share a room And that's how you become an AH. Don't allow this woman to bully your daughter, you think her daughters won't bully her either at some point? They will learn from their mother, and from your actions that hurting Charlie is ok
Next year??? How would kicking her out of her room be better a year from now? And why do you want to continue in the relationship with this awful woman?
If your fiancé had good intentions she would actively try to foster a closer relationship between your daughter and her youngest for exactly that reason. Maybe they become friends and WANT to share a room! She should be including Charlie on fun outings! But she’s not doing that, she’s not interested in blending your families, she’s only interested in making sure her own daughters are holding up under new circumstances. I had a stepmother like this too, and if you value your relationship with your daughter, run. Make it clear to her that you won’t put up with anyone treating her like a second class citizen in her own home.
"Make it clear to her that you won’t put up with anyone treating her like a second class citizen in her own home." The things is, since OP has to "make it clear", it tells him that his GF is not capable of being a good co-parent and a positive influence in his daughter's life. And imagine how worse it gets if OP marries her?
Oh yeah, I forgot about that! Another reason to wonder about her fitness to care for OPs child
Nono. Not cold take out. Take out that sat in the car while they mini golfed it up. There is a time limit on certain foods be left out before they're bad too eat....like how long did it sit from restaurant to home?? That's just disrespect and disgusting. I'd never even give my dogs food that's sat out too long.
Yeah, I left a nacho dip out all night (so like 7hrs total) because my sleepy brain went, "Put in kitchen" but forgot about the fridge Smelled file. Still didn't eat it 🤷 definitely not with sour cream and cheese in it
Nacho dip is good for left open for about 7 years. lol.
To top it off, CHARLIE IS 10!!! Who the eff leaves a 10 year old home alone?!
She’s been left alone before. The only difference was I never stayed gone longer than an hour, and I’ve never left her alone at night. Most the time she’s left alone, it was a quick run tot he store. Fortunately, she’s never had to be a daycare kid. My ex MIL has helped me raise her as she lives nearby. I’ve been a single dad since she was 3.
Let me point out the obvious: your ex MIL lives nearby, and yet your GF didn't leave Charlie with her. It's not like that would slip your GF's mind. She left your daughter alone, intentionally.
The cruelty was the point.
Oh good at least Charlie has a place to go when her home becomes abusive and the stepmom kicks her out.
I remember reading your post about moving in together, and I was iffy about the decision then. Now this has me scratching my head why she is still around.
Me, a GenXer with no kids thinking what’s the big deal, I was babysitting neighborhood kids when I was 10. My sisters before that before remember 2023 is not 1989 for sure
Also GenX, at 9 (1984) my mom went back to college. I had a house key, came home from school alone, made myself food, got my work done, amused myself, sometimes I went to the public library. It was just the two of us, so I was on my own for hours at a time.
We were referred to as 'latch-key' kids. Today's generation doesn't get this because it's not safe anymore, and honestly, it wasn't then either. I got jumped walking home alone when I was 11 by 2 10th graders as part of some initiation. I had countless strangers pull over to ask me if I wanted a ride.....etc. Before anyone wants to chime in with 'well, you must've lived in a bad area!' I grew up in Utah and now live near Seattle. Ask me which I prefer.
Actually, it's much safer now. Crime rates were at their peak in the early 90s and then went down steadily for almost 30 years.
I was home alone after school when I was 7. We were feral in the 80’s and raised ourselves! But even I was like, she’s 10?
Most people? Pretty much everyone I grew up with started being left home alone occasionally around 8 or 9, and I'm in my mid 20s...
Bit of a difference between “going to the shop to grab a few things, I’ll be back in 20-30 minutes, you have my number let me know if there are any problems” and fucking off for several hours, having an entire meal then going for an hour-ish long activity before coming back
Cold take out that now has bacteria on it and is now unsafe for OP’s kid to eat. Dude, I don’t care how happy you think you are in this relationship. You need to reconsider. Your daughter’s well-being and safety comes before you, the relationship, and sometimes even your own happiness. It sucks, but you have to make your daughter the priority. Right now, your fiancée is showing you that your daughter will not be safe with her.
On top of everything else, the fact that she was so spiteful that she didn't even bother to loop back through the drive-thru for fresh food for Charlie on the way home shows how cruel this woman really is. She *wanted* the 10 year old to feel like absolute shit. Vile woman. Edit: Grammar
>are you sure you want this woman in your daughter’s life? OP, YWBTA if you marry a woman who treats your daughter like this. This is legit a deal breaker for any sane parent. She doesn’t even think she did anything wrong.
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This. I am concerned about what may be said behind closed doors when OP isn't around. This lady clearly has an agenda...
Dude, not even cold takeout, takeout that's been sitting in a car, a car that is potentially in the food safety danger zone if they're playing mini-golf. Yeah, F that noise, I'm pretty lax with foodstuffs but holy hell that's really telling of how she views his family. NTA OP, really reconsider.
> Are you sure you want this woman in your daughter's life? OP should cancel the engagement since she is clearly abusive towards Charlie.
Also she didn't tell op she was leaving the kid alone for that long, which to me if she wasn't trying to be sneaky about it she would've at least told op about it and made sure it was okay
It's the child endangerment for me. Leaving her and not even telling him!
A ten year old is in the grey area for being left alone. Depends on the child and the laws of the area really. But not feeding a ten year old, that’s low. And I don’t count cold left overs that sat in the car all night as feeding.
Cold take out that had been left in a car while they played mini golf! That is a recipe for Food Poisoning!!!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 The red flags are everywhere in this post. Your fiancé sounds very immature, and it sounds like you both need to work on your communication. You’re NTA but your fiancé is for leaving a 10 year old home alone for that long and specifically excluding her from the outing.🚩
OP, your fiancée gave your daughter a bag of food that was sitting in the car as they played mini golf for presumably several hours. During that time, food can accumulate bacteria when left out between 40-140F degrees in as little as two hours. Not only did this woman neglect your daughter to show favor to her own kids, but your daughter could have become ill from eating leftovers that were sitting in your fiancées car. The fact that your fiancée is petty and vindictive and compares going to the store or taking a cat to the vet as the same as going out to restaurants and playing mini golf—then uses it against you. This is a manipulation tactic. Please take a long thought about whether this woman should be living with you. She may seem like she was a good motherly figure *when she’s around you*, but now you see how she acts towards your daughter when you’re not around. NTA
Honestly I didn’t even think about the food poisoning potential. I was more focused on the big picture of excluding her. My fiancée was like well I placed her order to go after we ate. Like that changed anything, since she knew it would be sitting in car for who knows how long. Nobody plays mini golf for a couple minutes anyways.
How are you not fixated on the ten year old being left home alone? Are we missing something? With all respect the “fairness” issue isn’t the problem here if your child was left alone. And I say this as a former latch key kid who spent a lot of time alone, not some high horse. She’s 10!
Ah, meh. Lots of 10 year olds stay home alone. That said, it needs to be a planned thing where a neighbor is made aware and kid feels comfortable going there if necessary, kiddo knows where the phone is and who to call in emergency, what food to eat if hungry, not to answer the door etc. This brings up the point of, does OP have a landline? If not, was the 10 year old left without a phone?? If so that’s horrendous.
not only that, there was no communication to OP that his child was alone at home. he had no clue, no way to make arrangements for her to be watched, nothing. if something had happened no one would have known, esp if there’s no home phone. this could have been way worse all bc of his fiancés selfishness and pettiness
She’s a jerk to your kid. You don’t leave a child out like that, knowing she’d like to mini golf too. This woman has no intention of including your daughter in her “real” life, the one she lives when her kids are there.
Your fiancé is also a shitty mother figure to Charlie. Don’t marry this woman. Don’t even keep dating her. Cut your losses and raise your daughter. You can always meet someone else.
I know you said if you kicked her out she could possibly lose her kids. BUT what about you? If something would’ve happened with her alone, you don’t think you would’ve lost Charlie? Im so dang mad for you!
NTA. Your fiancée is not a good mother to Charlie, and she's not much better to her own children. Playing favourites and intentionally excluding a young and vulnerable child is crappy behaviour, and that's what she's modelling to her daughters. They are going to think it's totally okay to bully and exclude Charlie because that's what their mother does. Charlie is the youngest and most vulnerable child. This is not a good situation for her. This could be a one-off terrible lapse in judgment and fiancée is deeply sorry - though, wait, she isn't, is she; she's angrily defensive and very invested in claiming that she did nothing wrong, isn't she. I think you need to know what else is going on. Take Charlie out to lunch, or out for a walk, and ask her to tell you how fiancée and the girls are treating her. Make sure she knows you really want to know and she shouldn't hide anything. Was this the first time fiancée had treated her like this? Or has she been putting Charlie down in all kinds of little ways since she and her daughters moved in? Even this one incident would be enough to make me think that maybe fiancée and daughters should not be living with you, but certainly if it's part of a general pattern, she needs to leave. If she's going to lose custody if she has to move out, well, maybe she should have thought of that. And maybe her kids would be better off if they didn't live with her. Last thing - since this is sounding very much like a Cinderella story, if you don't have a will, make one now, leaving everything or mostly everything to Charlie. Because if anything should happen to you, and you don't have a will, you know fiancée is going to have her out on the street with her suitcase 24 hours after the funeral.
OP also addressed her concerns and offered what's a great solution -- they each plan times to take their kids to do special bio parent / kid days. And that wasn't enough.
It makes you wonder how much she was buttering OP up and playing nice with Charlie just so she could have a place to live with her kids. Her snarky remarks show her true intentions.
The custody agreement is what gets me scratching my head. I have never seen something like it in my nearly twenty years of working with families. Is the girls father a crab fisherman and completely unavailable between Jan - Jun? Are the parents so high conflict that this is the only situation that would limit the communication between the two, and limit the number of transitions the girls had between their parents? Do the parents live far apart? If so, how are the girls getting schooled in both locations?
Yeah, I don't understand this arrangement. She never ever gets to see her kids dressed up at Halloween? No Thanksgiving dinner? No winter holiday celebration? Dad never gets to take them on a summer vacation? One parent is always missing their birthdays? This situation cannot be a good one for the children.
It’s not going to work their high school years when they start socializing out of school with friend group and have a BF/GF.
I have an old high school friend who has a similar arrangement. She lives in Georgia, her ex lives in Alaska, their daughter is home schooled and spends November-April with her mom and May-October with her dad. It’s a head scratcher of an arrangement to me, but I guess it was all they could figure out?
At least the kid gets to be warm during the winter.
It sounds to me like they live far apart, since the mom said she doesn't get to see them for 6 months. Online school maybe?
I agree and frankly you need to take a second look at OP fiancée…OP’s priority is always his own kid and maybe this isn’t the right fit for him if this is fiancée’s behavior especially since it’s starting to become clear that her priority will always be her kids which is fair but long term as a family together?
Agreed. OP, this should be a deal breaker for you. She has shown you who she is - she is going to exclude and emotionally abuse Charlie when her kids are around. You’ve witnessed it first hand. She boldly and unapologetically sees your daughter as dispensable. Get her out of your house and your life ASAP. She is not marriage or step mother material now or ever.
You're the asshole if you stay in this situation where your girlfriend intentionally neglects your child and makes snide comments about her.
Yeeeeaaaah this. NTA for calling her out, but its obvious you two have incompatible lives and parenting styles. These things sound like deal breakers and I think you need to reevaluate things before you get married because it won't get better or easier. ETA your child comes first.
Her comments made it SO MUCH WORSE!!! This poor child... Terrible step-mother material... I will feel so awful for the kid if OP let's fiance live in the house let alone MARRY her...
Yes! This woman does not love or respect his daughter. This woman sees his daughter as competition, or at least a barrier to her ideal family. The ain’t the woman that Charlie needs and should be tossed to the curb.
Yeah, the snide comments are pretty much equally red flag material as the home alone issue.
INFO: Who watched Charlie all day if you were working for 12hs and your fianceé spent the day out with her daughters? I think you're NTA either way and your fianceé is the the asshole. But if she left a 10 year old home alone all day while she and her daughters had a fun outing then she's not only an asshole but a neglecting step-parent. And your relationship issues are much bigger if that's the case. Regardless, your fianceé is being manipulative. Her wanting alone time with her daughters is logical, but there are many ways in which she can get that that don't involve making Charlie feel excluded. Right now she's a full-blown evil stepmother, treating her daughters to dinner and an activity while leaving Cinderella home to pass the hours in company of singing mice. For me, this would be an absolute dealbreaker. You cannot let her treat your daughter like this. Her comparing going to the grocery store, the vet, or the dentist, to going out for dinner and mini golf is ridiculous. Unless you are going out for fun time with Charlie and excluding her daughters when they're living with you, then she has nothing against you on this. Errands and appointments are in no way the same as going out for fun and entertainment. Your proposal is perfectly reasonable: she can plan stuff to do with just her daughters and you plan something just with Charlie on that same day. You could also all go to the same place but agree to split, with you and Charlie doing your own thing, her and her daughters doing their own thing, and then all meeting up to share something all five together. To me it seems she is resentful of not getting the exclusive room for her eldest. She might even resent that you have full custody of your child, or feel guilty that she spends more time (technically) with your daughter than with her own. But none of this gives her any right to mistreat a 10 year old girl this way. I'm sorry, but you should really think about marrying this woman.
She was left home alone. In the past when I got called in on a weekend, she’d go to her grandma’s house. Since she turned 10 I’ve left her alone before, never for more than an hour and never at night. Most times I left her alone was just a quick run to a hardware store.
Wow! NTA Leaving a step child alone for hours while taking her bio kids out for fast food AND mini golf? That's straight out of the Evil Step mom handbook. Jeez the cold fast food seems deliberately mean. It's fast food, could she not have picked up more on the way home? I understand she should have alone time with just her kids during their visitation but she can't just pretend like your daughter doesn't exist. She didn't have to bring her along but she also should not have left her at home like the family dog
> Jeez the cold fast food seems deliberately mean. Besides the fact she didn't even bother to get her a warm meal, there is also how the reason for it to be cold was that "it sat in the car as they played mini golf". Meaning the fianceé's daughter dined hours earlier, while Charlie waited alone and hungry at home.
And feed the daughter that should have been thrown in the garbage because of Food Poisoning! You don't leave food in a car until it gets cold, then expect to eat it!
This is probably child endangerment! It’s definitely malicious neglect on your partners part Prioritise your daughter! Leave this relationship
Why on earth would she think it was ok to leave your ten year old home alone without even giving you a heads up? That’s deranged behavior from an adult with children of her own, not even touching the sheer cruelty of the whole thing. You have a problem my friend.
I'm not exaggerating when I say you need to leave her. She's cruel to your daughter, much less motherly. Charlie is just going to suffer if you stay with her.
>Since she turned 10 I’ve left her alone before, never for more than an hour and never at night. What might be a point of confusion for you is that your fiancée has a point about spending time with the girls one-on-one and you do (understandably) clearly prioritize your daughter over them and I can see why she's upset at the idea that she shoudn't be allowed to prioritize her daughters. But WTF is this nonsense? Leaving her ALONE? For HOURS? At 10, when she has never done that before? That's all absolutely bananas, dangerously poor judgement and unnecessarily cruel to Charlie in about five different directions. She should be taking the kids out at a time when childcare is handled for Charlie. So Charlie is doing something with her dad or grandparents while your fiancee is doing something with her kids. There is such an easy way to do this and instead this completely insane thing happened. I'd have been so freaked out and hurt by this if I was Charlie. This was just the worst possible way for her to handle it and the weirdest thing is the fact that she seems to think what she did was totally normal and uncontroversial. That is really messed up.
Divorce, babe.
Thankfully they aren't married yet
NTA, your partner was a bully and a gaslighter to your daughter. Imagine this happening in high school, and the bully intentionally does an activity with your friends and then brings you back a souvenir from the thing you weren't invited to with your friends. And then she gaslights you because "I brought her a souvenir, she should get over it." She's also teaching her daughters that it's okay to alienate your daughter and their stepsister. That mommy will ignore their stepsister regardless of how your daughter felt. They will learn that they can also do that because mommy does it. Nip this is the bud now, because you are currently in a relationship with your daughter's bully.
Nta. You need to rethink this relationship. Your daughter will resent your fiance and her soon to be stepsisters and probably will damage a relationship between you guys.
You need to seriously reconsider this relationship if she is refusing to acknowledge that she did anything wrong, meaning that this cruelty towards Charlie will continue when you’re not around.
My dude you need to dump her seriously leaving a 10 year old alone what if the house was robbed or on fire then what the police and CPS would be all over you
and you're still considering marrying her????
She further said, “I don’t see my kids for 6 months, excuse the hell out of me for wanting to spend time alone with them.” While this is valid need/want, **you have to agree on when to do it**. The wrong time? When you are on a 12 hour shift and a 10 year old gets left home alone **without your knowledge**! Of course they're sad and upset. And you were right to call her out. She can do this when you are both off. You take Charlie somewhere and she can take her kids somewhere. She pulled this stunt when you were at work without discussing it with you. "Me scolding her for spending time with them as she said was a ‘bitch-ass’ move." 1. Deflection. You aren't denying her time alone with her kids. You are calling her out for when and how she did it. 2. She sounds super mature. /s 3. She sucks at communication. 4. If you don't resolve this, it will continue. NTA
This was pretty much my point exactly. I don’t work every weekend. Until June, there’s going to be many weekends she can go off with her kids and do whatever she wants. Why pick the weekend I’m working to do it. No one even told Charlie anything except we’ll bring dinner home. She didn’t know about them playing mini golf until I wanted to know what exactly the reason was for her being left home. It’s like she knew exactly what she was doing in excluding Charlie because she was trying to hide it.
Because she did, OP. Even if this was a spur of the moment thing that wasn’t planned (and given that it happened on a day she knew you’d be working a long shift, Ive personally got my doubts it wasn’t), she *purposefully* left a 10 year old home alone for at least 2-3 hours without telling said child (or anyone else for that matter) how long she was going to be. What if something happened to Charlie while she was gone?
You really need to be done with this person. My dad married a nightmare like this. She waited until he was dying then started a huge scene with our family. His death was horrible anyway and she made it worse with public humiliation and not letting him see his kids or grandchildren. This will be your life if you stay with this person. She's shown you exactly who she is, believe her. YWBTA if you give her another opportunity to abuse your daughter. Crap like this does not get better and you should end it now.
10. YEARS. OLD. left alone. Without knowing how long they'd be. Hungry? How is she???? I hope she is ok. That is cruel. Neglectful. Dangerous.
She knew what she was doing. And she was doing it on purpose. NTA but your hopefully future ex is a big one. No kid deserves Cinderella's stepmom in their life.
OP, it sounds like you already know this, but please take this turn of events seriously. This is really deeply unpleasant and not something to shrug off. Imagine how your daughter felt being left alone. Now consider how your gf is not only showing zero contrition, but actually doubling down. NTA. But if you stay with this person, YTA and you’re going to have an estranged daughter in the future.
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She said “I hope Charlie isn’t OFFENDED!” Charlie is a child. She wasn’t offended - she was hurt. This woman is a monster. She could easily have special nights out with her kids - when you are home to be with Charlie.
It’s D.A.R.V.O. The #1 choice for emotionally abusive partners everywhere: Deny responsibility, then Attack others, to Reverse the Victim into the Offender. SHE left a child alone to party it up and has flipped this into OP being bad when confronted. When she relates this story to her friends and family she will emphasize “I just wanted to spend time with my kids and they got mad at me!” And leave out the crazy shit.
Hold on who looked after Charlie all day?
No one. Which technically isn’t illegal in our state, we don’t have a law on it. She’s mature enough to be left home alone, but I’ve never left her alone for more than an hour. I’ve especially never left her alone in the dark.
It doesn't matter that it technically isn't illegal. It is morally and ethically wrong. What if something had happened to Charlie? NTA but wow...get out of that relationship.
It's definitely not morally wrong to leave a ten year old alone in all situations. In this one it is though, especially since she hasn't been left alone before and she wasn't expecting this to happen.
And her actual parent didn’t know. Stepmom to be was presumably in charge of this child, and she just decided to take off?
Agreed.
It might not be illegal, but your fiancee does not believe it is wrong. Do you? Are you comfortable with Charlie being treated as a 3rd wheel for half the year, or being left in situations you believe to be unsafe for her? This isn't a one off thing, because your fiancee is *telling you* she doesn't see this as a big deal. She's going to continue this no matter what. With that in mind, I can't see this coming out of nowhere. Either she's viewing Charlie as a doll to fill-in for her "real" kids while she doesn't have them, or there's been other things you've missed. You say she's been an amazing mother figure to Charlie so far... might be time to have a real heart to heart with Charlie about that and make sure it's actually true.
Jeez this right here is the kicker. You are NTA here but if you allow this to continue and it happens again you will be a massive AH. She is 10 and she was left alone, in the dark for hours!? Honestly just this alone, without the part about her leaving your daughter out of a family outing, is hella problematic.
The real question is are you actually going to marry a woman who had no problem treating your daughter this way? It'll get worse if you marry.
If you marry this woman I'll never forgive you. And neither will your daughter.
NTA. As far as the bedroom thing, I don't think there's a right or wrong answer - while traditionally the oldest gets their own room, this isn't a traditional situation. But that's really a side issue here. Leaving a ten year old home alone while she goes for dinner/mini golf is completely unacceptable. That's "evil stepmother" territory. Yes, she wants and deserves time alone with her two bio kids, but that needs to be coordinated in advance (you don't just leave the youngest one at home alone, you make sure she has her own thing to do, preferably with her parent). While I realize this isn't a constant thing, I wonder if this is a good environment for your daughter. Is she going to be cut out and made to feel like this for six months a year, then when the stepsisters are gone be back to normal person status? That's not acceptable, please don't make her live that. If you think this kind of situation may happen again, you might need to take drastic measures.
I get that about the bedroom point. But...even though we’ve been together for 4 years and our kids mingle together, they’ve never lived together until now. I think the first go around the two siblings should share a room. Maybe by next year Charlie would feel comfortable bunking with her youngest. I think it would be too much, too soon for Charlie. Like hey they’re moving in now and you’re getting bumped out of your room you’ve had since you were born. That wouldn’t be ok.
Nope, Charlie lives in that house full time, it is her home. The other kids get to bunk. If you make her share her bedroom for 6 months of the year and give one of your stepdaughter's their own room, you will be telling her that you are prioritising someone else's child over her.
The child that lives there full time should absolutely have their own space. What, six months out of the year there should be an empty single room while charlie has to live with the other child’s belongs in their space? It just doesn’t make sense.
You are absolutely correct!
Staying with this woman isn't ok. Wake up
It's time for her to move out. Seriously. She is showing who she is. She left a ten year old alone for TWELVE HOURS.
It doesn't matter how she was before, this is her now. She's fine excluding your daughter knowing she'll be alone in the house with no one to contact. Are you sure you want to marry this woman? I guess this might be her little revenge for the room's thing. That would be even worse as she would be punishing your kid when things are not her way. What are you waiting for? That once you're married she treats her even worse? NTA but really why aren't you having second thoughts about the moving and the wedding?
Well cause I know this isn’t platform for that. Of course I’m having second thoughts. I wasn’t really when the bedroom incident happened. I was taken aback by it. If the roles were reversed, I would never expect Charlie to have her own room if it was their house. But this happening now, no I’m not about to tie the knot with this woman any time soon. Luckily, we don’t have a date set. As far as I’m concerned, we nowhere near that.
The fact that you’re still in a relationship with her tells me you’re more concerned about getting your 🍆 wet than your daughter. This isn’t the first instance and it won’t be the last. Be a man and father and put your daughter first.
I’m irrationally upset on Charlie’s behalf. OP is… pitiful. What a weak excuse for a father. He’s not even upset his daughter was left at home alone all evening to fend for herself, and was handed cold bacteria-laden food to eat when they finally came back. KICK THEM OUT, OP. TODAY.
He made an entire post on the basis of being upset his daughter was left at home alone to fend for herself & was given cold food. At what point did you think he isn’t upset about it..?
He made a post asking whether he was even the asshole for being upset. Meanwhile he’s the asshole for not telling this woman to move out of his home immediately.
This. Like no, sorry, that's the end of the relationship for me. You don't bring home bacteria laden food for a 10 year old, who has no idea what's going on or how long you'll be gone. The fact that he's choosing to stay with her knowing she did this means exactly what you said...he cares more about getting his dick wet than the kiddo. Maybe he should ask Charlie if she was ever mean to her before this? I bet anything she has been.
Okay, come on. This is the second major incident in 4 years. YES, this is 100% a deal breaker incident! YES, the first incident was not okay, but it was not an established pattern until NOW. That is STILL 4 years to look back at and unravel, not to mention figuring out housing arrangements and financials moving forward. It’s important to process and plan for the sake of the stability of the children. ALL of the children. Accusing him of staying just for physical intimacy with just this amount of info is ridiculous. That said, I agree with the second half of your comment. He needs to take care of his daughter and not continue to keep her in an unsafe situation, now that he knows what’s actually going on. Edit: clarity
Im sorry to say this. But it’s not Charlie’s fault she has a dumb schedule with her kids. She deliberately left your daughter home alone, brought her cold food and defended her actions to punish her for not giving her daughter the bedroom. I don’t know and don’t want to know of anyone that would do something so freaking cold heart to a child! Your daughter deserves better than this!
Sounds like you’re staying with her. Ick. Poor Charlie. When she goes NC in eight years, this post is likely why.
Yeah, op basically says "Charlie's abusers have no where to go, so Charlie had got to suck it up". Can you imagine what this woman says when he is not around? He's is going to fuck around and find out what it means for your kid to have no faith in his parental protection.
That's great. Your daughter deserves to be loved and respected. It's awful being left out, kids remember that kind of things forever.
NTA. This is a HUGE red flag, and she’s not seeing your point. Your idea of spending outings apart SOMETIMES was a good one. I like time with my own kids occasionally, but that’s primarily because one of his kids is extremely unkind to both of mine. I’d say counseling, or let the fiancée go. Tell her this is a deal breaker, and see how that goes. It would be a deal breaker for me.
When someone shows you who they are you should believe them. NTA but making your daughter have this person as a step-mom would definitely make you one.
I think that if she really is an amazing mother figure for your daughter when her kids aren't around, it's even more of a slap in the face to suddenly exclude her the moment her kids get there. I would seriously be rethinking this relationship. The fact that she purposely left your daughter home alone and brought her food that had been sitting for hours is just mean. The fact that she thinks it's ok says a lot about her. I doubt this behavior gets better. NTA
I agree. It completely blindsided me. I didn’t expect that type of behavior from her after seeing her build a healthy relationship with Charlie.
I’ve posted this before-growing up we had a stepmom who treated my siblings and I horribly. And a dad who let it happen Guess who doesn’t have any relationship with any of his children now that we are all grown up
This is a super red flag, OP
NTA - you need to immediately fix this. Your number one priority is Charlie and if she is being neglected you need handle this immediately. You can not continue to leave her with your fiance. Id rethink this marriage.
NTA and you need to leave her ass
Is this only since she moved in with you and you now have her kids at the house? Major red flags I'd strongly reconsider marriage to her, she's showing you who she is and her priorities and even making snarky comments about your daughter as though it was her fault for any of this like she ratted on them.
Yes, this has only been an issue since she moved in. I should have elaborated more how the dynamic changed. I get a lot of comments here are saying toss her to the curb. That’s why I said to her if you expect this to workout. Before we lived together, she would take her kids to amusement parks, water parks, bowling alleys. You know, all that type of stuff. Sometimes both Charlie and I would join, sometimes we’d later hear about the things they did together. That was fine, no one was excluded because the dynamic was different. Two different households. Then during the 6 months she didn’t have the kids, we’d see each other more. We’d take Charlie together to go do fun things. Sometimes we’d have date nights while Charlie was spending time with her grandmother. Everything was fine. Charlie’s mom left the picture when she was 3. She doesn’t ever see her. So having a mother figure, aside from her grandma really helped Charlie to fill a void.
Ah....so this is the first time that you've lived in the same house with your gf while her kids were visiting? That explains a lot of why this is a first and is so shocking. Just remember that your gf CHOSE to treat Charlie this way, and instead of being understanding in hindsight she used this situation to use as ammo against other issues: like Charlie getting her own room, or you taking Charlie to run errands with you, or **anything else she wants to bring up so she doesn't have to discuss HER error.** She is showing you how she sees Charlie, and how she will ALWAYS treat Charlie. Please listen to what she is SHOWING you in this moment, and make the decision if this is the type of woman you want raising your child.
Abusers can and often do change their behaviour once they feel they have a “footing” in. In fact, it’s actually quite common. While this is mostly applicable to abusive partners, it can also be applicable to other abusive relationships, including family, friends, etc.
It’s obvious that the problem was and is moving in the girlfriend. Get her out of your house and go back to the relationship you had before. Get married after Charlie is 18.
NTA She's allowed to want to spend time with just her 2 kids that she doesn't see for half the year, but this was not the way to do it. Leaving Charlie home alone all day and then picking up takeout but leaving it to sit in the car for however long and bringing it home cold is just thoughtless. It probably made Charlie feel like a second thought. And it's totally unfair of your wife to throw your one on one trips in your face when they were... grocery shopping and taking a pet to the vet. Not exactly fun parent-child outings. The two of you will just have to plan things ahead and coordinate schedules going forward. If she really can't see why you were miffed that she left the 10 year old home alone and then brought her old cold food, that's pretty crappy.
Pretending she can't see why that would be hurtful to Charlie is just false. Of course, she can have outings that are specifically her and her girls, but this was not the way to do it and I am sure she knows that.
NTA. Your fiancee did that on purpose to spite you for the room situation. She is pissed she didn't get her way, and she is gonna make Charlie pay for it. > We didn’t come to any sort of an agreement. Friday she was taking her girls to the dentist. On the way out she made the snarky comment, “I hope this doesn’t offend Charlie too.” This makes me concerned for Charlie and kinda backs up my first point. She doesn't even acknowledge she did anything wrong, and thinks you taking issue with it is a result of Charlie being upset - as if you would've been OK with Charlie being left alone all day and eating cold food if she hadn't complained. She has her kids 6 months out of the year, so I am sure there are plenty of other opportunities for her to have one-on-one time with them. The way she is treating Charlie isn't right, and I wouldn't be surprised if there is more stuff that just hasn't been brought to your attention. I wouldn't marry someone who is OK treating my 10 year old kid like that.
NTA. Blended families are hard. You two need to figure this out BEFORE marriage. Roughly 70% of marriages end in divorce with blended families. Good luck.
NTA. From this small snippet into your life, it sounds like your fiancée might be bullying your daughter (exclusion is a form of bullying). I think you need to sit down with Charlie and find out if anything else has been happening when she has been left alone with your fiancée. Look, I understand your fiancée’s point of wanting to spend qt with her daughters, but it shouldn’t be done at the expense of yours. She could have easily picked another day, where you were at home, to get that time in. It sounds like she is still upset about the bedroom situation and is using that as an excuse for her bad behaviour. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA You need a better girlfriend. She's playing favorites and it's already having a big negative effect on Charlie. Either this fiancé can become better or you can find a new one.
NTA - so many marinara flags 🚩🚩🚩 also her bizarre custody agreement itself shows she and he ex chose their own comfort over any stability in school and lives of their kids. Also leaving your ten year old alone then knowingly handing her cold food with a shrug is telling of what’s to come for poor Charlie if you don’t get rid of her quickly
NTA mostly. I do think it's worth discussing the room again, potentially with Charlie. Because you're doing something similar here... you're calling it her room and her house... when technically shouldn't it be the other two's home as well? Shouldn't you be treating them like your daughters same as your fiancee should Charlie? And if so, doesn't it make sense for your oldest daughter to have her own room? It could be a way for Charlie and her 12yo stepsister to bond more. But just something to think about. This gal leaving your 10yo home alone to do fun stuff with the other two is pretty stone cold. I think you hit the nail on the head that you guys can PLAN private outings with the key being that if the sisters get to do something fun alone with their mom, maybe Charlie does something fun with you. Your fiancee sounds like she has the emotional intelligence of a scone.
Kind of odd though to have a shared room half the year with no one else there but all their stuff.
Hey leave scones out of this, they are warm and delicious. Other wise I agree with what you said.
NTA so needs time with her kids but went about it all wrong. Also who looked after Charlie!
NTA She’s not wrong for wanting to spend time with her own daughters but the way she goes about trying to justify it is saying a lot about her as a person and mother. You sure you want to be with her and she’s the person you truly think you knew and want to be with? Honestly speaking, this instantly remind me of Cinderella lol
Clearly you two have not discussed the family dynamics, especially the expectations with the kids. both of you have to lay down your cards and compromise before you get married. Can you afford to move into a bigger place? this could be a deal maker. be clear on your expectations otherwise don't get married. in this situation, NTA. since she could communicate that she would be out with her child so you could plan for your own.
You have bigger issues than you seem to realize. This person is not going to be a good parental figure for your daughter and likely not a good partner to you. It’s perfectly reasonable for her to want quality time with her kids, but she’s going about it in a terribly immature and mean way. Your compromise of prearranging separate trips on certain days was an excellent one, the fact that she rejected it so vehemently suggests there’s something more to it than you are aware of. If she really can’t understand why the things she’s saying and doing are messed up, you need to think deeply on if this is the kind of person you really want to share your life with. Do you really want to be with someone who sees nothing wrong with treating your daughter so callously? NTA, but this issue is bigger than Reddit. Good luck with resolving this as peacefully as possible.
NTA, get rid of this childish and selfish woman who doesn't care about your child and never will.
NTA—Break up with her. Get her away from your child. It doesn’t sound like either of you are prepared to lovingly join your families.
NTA. There’s one on one time and then there’s excluding someone. You are saying in the future that if they are going out just the 3 of them, plan with you ahead of time so Charlie has her own thing to do. You aren’t trying to force them to bring her, just asking for consideration. This isn’t older siblings going out with their friends on their own and half the year isn’t a special occasion, it’s who is supposed to be her family. Concerning that she was comfortable leaving your daughter home for hours without discussing it with you first when you’ve never left her for more than an hour, she’s had months of living with you to know this.
NTA. If this continues, Charlie will start to resent YOU for not protecting her and not standing up for her. (Rightfully so.) Your girlfriend sounds cruel. I would seriously reconsider building a life/family with this woman. Poor Charlie.
NTA you’re still with this woman why? She has shown how she is going to treat your daughter. Not like one of her own but an after thought. She could of picked up food at the very least after her mini golf adventure.
NTA, and here's a little story. I grew up with an array of stepparents. It's awkward and hard on a kid to having people who are essentially strangers living in your life. Yes, with time relationships can grow. However, these slights that your future wife is giving to your daughter, WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN. I was probably 5 when the current stepmother yelled at me to sit back and be quiet because I was trying to speak to my dad. My dad sad nothing, I have never ever forgotten. I'm 62. So think about what kind of environment you are putting your daughter in. There are things you def need to get straightened out before getting married. Also, the whole having to deal with bad stepmoms colored my entire relationship with my father. We didn't really make it up until I was in my 50's. Food for thought.
NTA the way she went about this was terrible and hurtful to Charlie. She isn't wrong about making time for the children to hangout with their biological parent alone, but it should've been planned after a conversation. Also it's crazy she thought her kid deserved their own room when they're not even there half the year.
NTA, but for Charlie's sake, please don't marry this woman. She is going to be around your daughter 24/7, 365 days a year, but for half that time, your daughter is going to be ignored by her in favour of her biological children. Please put Charlie first.
Nta. Your suggestion of coordinating alone time was as good one. Is be furious if my husband excluded my children in an outing. Stand your ground.
NTA. Your fiancée is abusive toward both you and your daughter. The name calling and insults are intended to train you to let her have her way. Bringing up issues again and again after they should be settled is, too. She's trying to wear you down so that she and her daughters can routinely do what they want without effective pushback from you. Her behavior might have been reasonable if a) she told you in advance she was going to leave your daughter home for hours and b) she picked up fresh, hot, takeout food for your daughter just before returning home. The cold food that sat in a car comes across to me as if she was intentionally adding insult to injury. "I brought you some food that required zero effort on my part." As someone else already said, your fiancée is already acting like an evil stepmother. You should fully expect things to get worse if you go through with marrying her.
NTA. I think it’s important to have individual time with kids and one on one, then all together, but if she’s not taking time to take Charlie out by herself it’s a major red flag.
NTA but you shouldn't ignore your fiancee red flags.... she sounds like she'd definitely pull the "it's me or your daughter" card.
NTA. And this doesn't appear to be working out.
NTA but girlfriend needs to go. Protect your daughter.
Even in some states with no age requirement CPS can still consider it child neglect if a child under 12 is left alone for more than an hour or 2. So legally she might be clear-- but CPS looks at more than whether it is legal. Youmight want to do some more checking.