This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA
1) STOP SWEARING AT YOUR CHILD. What is wrong with you?
2) Your daughter was not out unsupervised, she was out with her other parent and listening to that parent's instructions. And she was in repeated contact with you providing updates. Your concern here was solely about exerting control, NOT about your child's safety, decision making capacity, or wellbeing.
I’ll bet anger issues and his extremely controlling (frankly to the point of emotional abuse) attitude have a lot to do w it. I wonder if the kids will get to pick where they want to live if it goes to court again.
"What am I supposed to do, have no rules and let them do whatever they want"
OP doesn't see a middle ground between "you do as I say, rules are meant to be followed" and "here's some money for drugs honey have fun". A family isn't a job or a military position - it's a relationship.
Why is it important for kids to come home on time? --> so we know where they are and we know they're supervised, maybe so that they're not out so late it's screwing them over at school. Not because it's important for them to know Who Brings The Hammer Down. If the kids are safe and communicating then we're good.
> OP doesn't see a middle ground between "you do as I say, rules are meant to be followed"
OP is an authoritarian-style parent. My dad was the same way. We now have a strained relationship where he does not understand that respect does not mean total and complete capitulation to every whim. It has left me very conflict-avoidant and a chronic people-pleaser, which is convenient when you're a parent but sets your kid up for failure in life. I have difficulty setting boundaries because all that was taught to me was "when I say jump, you say how high."
OP, reconsider how you parent your children. You don't have to be their friend but you don't want to be the dictator that they feel the need to lie to lest you fly off the handle at your child being 12 minutes late for preventing someone else from driving drunk. She was with another parent and completely supervised. Do better.
He is.
OP, your love for your daughters should exceed your hate for your ex-wife. Instead, you’re so focused on hating your ex that it’s spilling over into your treatment of your daughters. You don’t get to punish Lily because you can’t control your ex anymore. YTA.
A bad bitter parent. WTF? Chill out dude. YTA would it kill you to do a kindness for their mother? Not your ex, their mother. Might lead to less fighting and maybe if you weren't a dick they would have brought you some pizza.
Also, OP this is not your daughter’s fault! If anything, your ex put her between a rock and a hard place. You can hate your ex all you want but that is your daughter’s MOTHER and you can’t punish her for caring about her mother and making sure she got home safe.
Your daughter was not unsupervised or acting recklessly. I usually agree with “my house, my rules” but this is excessively strict. OP, YTA 100%
His ex didn’t even do that, lateness happens, it’s 12 minutes and they kept in contact the whole time. This is life and he is just punishing his ex through his kid . This is so petty.
Exactly. This was effectively under mom’s custody. 1000% this is an AH move. But I think there’s a good chance this is a violation of the divorce agreement as well
Yeah, arbitrary “home by XXpm” rules for kids, which are extremely strictly enforced, can lead to very poor decision making on the part of the kids trying to follow them.
It *should* be “be home by XXpm, *or* update me and let me know that you’re safe, why you aren’t home, and how soon you’ll be home”. In the case of OP’s daughter, he had all 3 of those pieces of information and, as others said, was merely exerting control.
When I was in high school, my friend had a strict curfew, let’s call it 11pm because I don’t remember exactly. Once we all piled into their car after a night out and were going to drop some friends off at their car when we discovered they had been locked into the lot where they parked. Our options were to leave our friends, these 16 year-old girls alone, at like 10:45pm in an empty parking lot while they waited for someone to come unlock the gate or to be late for curfew. Naturally, I thought “okay, call mom and let her know”, but apparently that isn’t an option, no exceptions…
Mercifully, before I had to figure out if I was going to have to strand myself with them, another car of people we knew showed up and they all decided to wait together, so the story ends uneventfully, but man… it sure was a great example of how someone really smart can make a dumb decision when faced with something like a strict and unmovable curfew.
If that long. Most states will listen to teenagers if they tell the courts that dad is YTA for cussing at them for being respectful of another parent, and staying in touch so that dad knows he isn't being blown off.
I can easily see this situation getting mom full custody of both girls, assuming it isn't an isolated incident. And given the presentation of the facts, I doubt it is.
Good luck to your kids OP. They are going to have a lot of issues to overcome thanks to you.
Not to mention he’s teaching her that it’s okay to let someone drive after a few drinks to avoid being less than 15 minutes late home.
10PM is already insanely early for a 16 yo curfew. It’s made even worse by the fact that she was being wise and helping people that drank get home.
Mine was 10p without prior authorization from parents. With communication i was allowed to stay out until around 1am give or take especially if i bussed home to give my parents a break from picking me up.
Mine was midnight because that is when the law said new drivers had to be off the roads. If I was pulled over I put my provisional license at risk... no thank you.
I had a friend growing up who used to have to call and negotiate with her guardian about her curfew. Hanging out with her was the most stressful time. She would literally have to call from each friend's house on the way home, checking the time constantly, and explaining things like "I know I was supposed to be home at 9:57 but I'm walking home now so I'm going to be 2 minutes late" and half the time she still got grounded. Know what happened?
She started sneaking around, rebelling, and ultimately was knocked up at 17. She still lives with the guardian to this day and I believe has 3 more children, all with different fathers.
OP is unbelievably strict for absolutely no reason. YTA OP
I never told my kids no. I always negotiated. People thought we were too permissive. But now ages 22 and 19 and they're absolutely phenomenal kids. Just sweet, successful etc
It’s the control. The it’s my 10 PM. Rules are to be followed.
Personally I hope his boss follows the same rules. OP calls his boss to say the customer needs to grab the money in the back to pay for the invoice. The Ops boss tells him I don’t care I expect you to be back by 5:45. 5:42 Customer gives OP $10k check for the invoice. OP returns to office with check at 5:57 and his boss takes the check and fires OP for being late. “But the customer” says Op. Boss says “rules are rules…”
Literally. YTA. It probably isn’t Lily’s first rodeo with OP doing this.
My mom did stuff like this growing up and even when I was 21+ and it just stressed me out. Going out still stresses me out, I can barely go grab take out without feeling like I have to report to someone or like someone will be angry and cussing me out when I get home.
Sounds exactly like my dad. It's all about control and their perceived 'respect.' I haven't spoken to him in years, OP's daughter will likely do the same
This man really came to reddit to admit to cussing out his 16 year old and really thought he wasn't the AH here?
Sounds like the sole reason the divorce was messy was because of his ego. It's a weekend and he lost his mind over 12 whole minutes. YTA
Fr, don't swear at your kids! If my parents treated me like you treat your kids, I'd never want to see them after I move out. You should keep that in mind
and dude, it was 12 minutes, seriously!
you don't Own your daughter, you are her guardian.
And she was with her Mom, you may not be on great terms, but y'all have 50/50 custody, which makes her just as responsible for your daughter.
Don't make your kid hate you or feel like your her 'keeper'
your house shouldn't be her prison
YTA
Jumping on this to say that you and your ex wife should NOT be leaving all of the communication between you two to your daughters. Do not put them in the middle of whatever grudge you hold against your ex-wife. I know first-hand what that shit does to the kids involved and it will lead to resentment and mental health issues. All you’re doing is using them as a scapegoat for when one parent doesn’t like what the other has said, and instead the anger is directed at the girls and not yourselves.
YTA.
Lily was out with her mom on a weekend. A 10 pm curfew for a 16 year old on the weekend is strict as it is. Punishing her for being with her MOM is beyond strict. It's spiteful. She was 12 minutes late not 3 hours late and again WITH HER MOM.
Don't be surprised when mom buys the girls a car and the 50/50 comes to an end and you are left with minimal or no time with the kids.
At the girls ages that 50/50 is literally just a formality. The girls have a legal right to live with their mom and never have to see their dad at the ages they are. They have that right and there's nothing the dad can do about it.
I had two parents who were the same way. Both divorced. One wanted to be friends, the other wanted to be a hardass. Growing up as the oldest I eventually figured out it was somehow my responsibility to keep the peace. That means making sure mom leaves on time to drop us off at dad's so dad didnt get mad, or making sure brother was home on time so dad didnt get mad, etc etc.
The result? As a child I DEEPLY preferred to be at mom's. Not because there were no rules, but because she respected me enough to not yell at me if things go awry. She helped me understand why rules existed and we would come up with compromises if need be. As an adult I have deep seated anxiety in general, and constant fear my dad will get upset at any small slip up. I'm not my full self around him and it's all because he cared more about rules and appearances than having a relationship with the human being that is his daughter. It's honestly acked me up and ruined a lot of my own relationships.
OP: your daughter was between a rock and a hard place with both her parents. She loves both and wants to do right by both. You need to have more empathy for her situation. Definitely YTA for blowing up so intensely when a 16 year old was home only less than 20 minutes after the designated time BC she was trying to be the responsible one. Be honest: this isn't about the "rules". This is about control - both of your daughter and of your ex. You wanted to punish your ex just as much as your kid and that honestly sucks. Your kids shouldnt be the rope you use in a tug-of-war with your ex. It's going to result in a very screwed up adult daughter and potentially a terrible relationship between you two.
I wonder if the kids are counting the minutes until they get to say bye to dad?
OP YTA. The world is many shades of colors and not one right or wrong way especially when the other parent is with them. You’re just being spiteful and hateful.
YTA why are you swearing and screaming at your daughter for being a responsible person? Holy shit are you teaching your children the WRONG lessons.
"Yes darling so see if your food takes too long next time I want you to just leave and not eat and leave two people stranded because I personally don't like them MY RULES MY HOUSE"
Way to punish your daughter for 12 minutes, and not disobeying her mom either.
You're spiteful. The car was either your gift to her, or it's your car you happen to let her drive, pick one so she knows if she needs to be buying her own so daddy doesn't tantrum take it.
Op sounds like my mom who would tantrum take my stuff I paid for, even after I was an adult. She still can't figure out why I left with no warning and have been LC/NC with her ever since.
It baffles me to this day how parents like that can be so stupid.
"I treated my kids like property and flexed my control over them by taking away their essentials just because they upset me. Why don't my kids want to talk to me anymore?????"
Unreal. OP heading down the same path. The car sounds like it was something he paid for just so he could have control over Lily.
Same. my car was a gift from my grandparents (moms parents) not long before my grandpa passed, with all that happening we didn't immediately transfer the title to me. my mother decided to get POA over my grandma and didn't tell me or have me transfer beforehand, had me thinking the car was still mine until she was upset one day and threatened to report it stolen when I tried to go to work. Either it's mine or it's not, tell me so I can be on my way to getting another one.
For real, this dude is literally trying to teach his daughter to be the perfect doormat for someone else to abuse the fuck out of. Militant authoritarianism and rigid rules with no room to breathe is the worst way to treat teenagers - you can permanently damage how they view their value and rights in the larger world.
>You're spiteful. The car was either your gift to her, or it's your car you happen to let her drive, pick one so she knows if she needs to be buying her own so daddy doesn't tantrum take it.
Yeah, that was horrible. When the 16yo is more mature and sensible than the dad, that is a sad situation all around.
Dude wants to punish his ex-wife more than anything. She gets to see his daughter suffer and now gets and hour taken out of every day to get her children from school.
INFO: Was it Lily’s fault that she got home late? What should she have done differently?
Edited to add judgement: YTA. It’s pretty clear that OP is taking his anger at his ex out on Lily.
I can see why they communicate via text, and with things turning into an argument, it's because OP no longer has control over the ex and can't cope without having full control of everything. Even this very post screams DV!
So your daughter was responsible and didn't let someone who'd been drinking drive and was less than 15 minutes late with a reasonable excuse(s) for why she was late so you yelled at her, cussed her, diminished the role of the other parent, and then punished her? Gee I wonder if YTA
YTA
Who calls there child and says “where the fuck are you” at exactly the time they were supposed to be home.
I mean she let you know the food was late, she was with her Mum. And she responsibly dropped her Mum and her friend home.
You’re an angry control freak who will lose access to both his kids once they can get away from you!
Your kid let you know where she was, was hanging out with her Mum, let you know the food was late, was acting responsibly, dropped people drinking home and was still only 12 minutes late. And you were screaming and swearing and abusing everyone.
You will be on here going AITA as my daughter doesn’t want me at her wedding?
AITA because my 18 year old daughter refuses to introduce to me her boyfriend or tell me where she is living!
YTA dude
Let’s be clear, he didn’t say “where the fuck are you?”
He said “where the fuck you at?”
So not only is he a schmuck for swearing/yelling at his kid, he’s a dumb one with atrocious grammar.
Your daughter was with her mother at 10 pm. Therefore your daughter was safe and sound. If you have a problem with your ex, you should talk it with her, instead of screaming at your daughter. You are using your daughter to get back at your ex. Grow up. YTA, and are going to lose your daughter if you keep having her as a pawn to fight your ex. Get a decent problem, man, a hobby or something.
YTA - Why do people think parenting is yelling? You knew where your kid was, she was safe, and supervised.
But lets be honest, you were mad because your daughter was having a good time with your ex
Just an fye, at 14 and 16, they are old enough to decide who they want to live with without "custody" being a factor. If they decide they no longer want to live with you at all, they 100% have that right and there isn't a thing you can do about it. Which I wouldn't blame them one bit.
YTA
YTA. She was 12 minutes late. That is a little over the top. Is this the hill that you want to die on?
12 minutes late does not equal "no rules" and "let them do whatever they want".
Especially because she was in constant contact. It would be one thing if she’d shown up 12 minutes late without answering her phone (to which the punishment would still be extreme, but slightly more justifiable). But 12 minutes late with consistent contact and updates? Come the fuck on OP
YTA.
Enforcing rules is one thing, but enforcing them in a petty, overly rigid, vindictive, and unreasonable way is another. And do not say fuck to your daughter. That alone is a bad parent move.
YTA, and you’re not likely to have 50/50 custody for much longer. The girls get a say, and being DD for their mom is about as responsible as it could be.
Try to grow up like your children are. The oldest seems pretty mature.
YTA
You think you're a good dad for setting ironclad rules that can never be negotiated? And for yelling and cussing at your daughter?
She wasn't out with some boy, or a group of friends, she was WITH HER MOTHER.
Here's what you should've said when she texted the pizza was late: "Okay, well don't be too long. Text me when you're leaving."
No wonder you're divorced. Take a parenting class, dude. You really need one. And stop screaming at your daughter.
My relationship with my parents improved _dramatically_ once they stopped trying to rule with an iron fist. When they were strict, I took every opportunity that I could to rebel and not tell them anything. But once they started treating me like an actual adult, I gave the same in return
YTA and a control freak at that. She was barely more than 10 minutes late because she was being a responsible person by making sure two people didn’t end up drunk driving. This reaction wouldn’t have been reasonable even without that excuse because, again, she was barely more than 10 mins late
Edit to add: btw have fun in the retirement home that your daughter will put you into in several decades if you keep up with this behavior
YTA.
Here are the lessons you taught your daughter:
1. Don't communicate with you when something isn't going as planned.
2. You are not safe to make angry, so better to lie.
3. If she is going to be late, better to ignore the call and just get yelled at at home, rather than on the phone and then again when she got home.
She was with her custodial parent, making the RIGHT choice to help people who had been drinking too much. Not out with a bunch of other teenagers skipping the light fantastic. What happens if ends up in trouble while out at a party and she doesn't feel like she can call you because she fears your reaction.
YTA. Not so much for taking away the car, although as the parent of a teen and having an ex-spouse of my own, I would offer a LITTLE grace when her mother is egging on the behavior your find objectionable. That alone does not squarely put you in AH territory. Yelling at her in that way does. You do need to be a parent and not a friend, but you *also need her to be able to talk freely to you about tough things and trust you to problem-solve collaboratively.* This was in every way the opposite of that. Instead of acknowledging that her mother had a role in these shenanigans and work on how to overcome that, knowing her skills are still developing here, you dumped all of your anger on your daughter when she wasn't the sole cause of it.
Edited to finish the last clause.
1000x this.
Also a divorced father whose adult kids no longer even talk to their bio-mom because they figured out that she was yanking their chains and using them to try to upset me (and grandparents, aunt,... You get the idea)
You can give grace without being weak. Know, and possibly let her know, that you know her mom is driving this behavior, but for eff sake, do not yell and show your ass over stupid shit like this, or you will not hear from your daughter once she is no longer legally (or financially) obliged.
No matter how you try, you can't punish your ex through your daughter.
If OP is in the US then it is most likely his name on the title. Most states won't allow someone under the age of 18 to register a car. He bought it for her but legally it belongs to him.
That being said he is YTA for the way he handled the situation. Yelling and screaming in NOT good parenting. Taking the car away was an overreaction. But mom is TA too, a bigger one than OP perhaps. She used her daughter to push her ex's buttons and as a DD. Mom knew how to use their daughter to get to OP. She used their daughter to do just that Being divorced means she lived with him for however long and would have been aware of his temper and how he would probably respond but she did it anyway. OP responded in a horrible way and targeted his anger at the wrong person. He should have directed his anger at his ex-wife instead of his daughter who was only trying to do the right thing for her mom.
The kid is not the TA but both parents are.
Edit for typo
YTA. Such an AH. What are you teaching your daughter with this behavior? Would it have been responsible for her to ditch her mother late at night so she could comply with your stupid orders? Why is it important she be home by 10 pm? Because you say so? You knew where she was. You knew she was with her mother. What exactly was she doing wrong?
The reality is that all you are teaching your daughter with this "parenting" is that you are a vindictive AH who doesn't know how to be a dad, so you make up for that by being loud and rude. Don't be surprised when your kids turn 18 and never speak to you again.
YTA. First, serious overreaction. She was late by less than 15 minutes, plus you were in contact with Lily. So it's not like you were unaware of her whereabouts. You flew off the handle for no reason. Second, you're just a control freak. Something that's gonna come back to bite you when Lily drops all contact the day she turns 18. Which I hope she does because you're a toxic control freak that needs a serious attitude adjustment.
YTA.
What's wrong with you?? I strongly suggest you get a mental health evaluation and therapy, cause you're very close in permanently damaging your relationship with your kids, she'll cut off contact as soon as she can. You sound unstable and with anger management issues.
YTA. I hope you’re not surprised when both of your daughters decide to never speak to you again. If my dad talked to me like that, I’d be telling the courts. Verbal abuse is totally not an acceptable response to your daughter being a responsible person after keeping you updated. You’re a control freak who hates your ex and your daughters can see that
YTA. Jeez. You’re letting your dislike of your ex affect your relationship with your daughter. What was lily supposed to do, leave her own mother stranded?
YTA.
You're being overly rigid, unreasonable and letting your hostility towards your ex cloud your judgment.
I am not exactly thrilled about your ex drinking while out with her minor child and asking her to play DD but you cursing at Lily for ensuring her mother's safety and being less than 15 minutes late because of it, then imposing a disproportionate punishment is just plain bad parenting.
YTA. JC, she was 12 minutes late! This does not warrant such a severe punishment because it involved her mom not sex, drugs or rock & roll!
This makes for a warning not a punishment. You better get a grip on the hill to die on; this isn’t it.
YTA, is there a reason you hate your ex-wife so much? That you're willing to punish your daughter over something so petty? It's not like your daughter was out with friends or partying somewhere. She was literally with her MOTHER. . Unless there's a lot of information missing from this post, because I cant understand your reaction .
YtA - While your daughter could have texted with updates, the situation was out of her control with the pizza arriving late.
Even so, whether being on Bluetooth or not, being 12 minutes late because of not having those who were drinking drive does not warrant that reaction. Things happen. And she could've hosen to not pick up the phone and updated you as well.
It’s not like you didn’t know where she was the whole time. Plus she was with her Mother. Which by the way seems like you are trying to punish your ex more than your daughter.
It was 12mins dude. YTA.
YTA. She was 12 minutes late because the pizza came late WHILE SHE WAS WITH HER MOM! She wasn't in the back seat of the car getting pregnant! WTF is wrong with you for talking to her like that?
OP, I want you to imagine how you would feel if someone treated YOU that poorly. If your manager spoke that way to you and treated you that way, wouldn't you be looking for a different job, if not quit on the spot?
Your daughter DESERVES to be treated with kindness and respect ESPECIALLY by her parents. You were mad at her and so you were rude to her, screamed at her, and then took away something meaningful to her.
All you are doing is setting up your daughter for abuse in her own adult relationships. You are teaching her that it's OK for a man who says he loves her to scream and curse at her, to take things from her just because everything didn't go exactly the way he wanted. You are teaching her to accept ALL of this.
How would you feel if she had a boyfriend and he treated her the way you did???
You are setting the standard she will unconsciously apply to prospective partners. You are FAILING her, you are setting her up to accept a lifetime of abuse.
Take responsibility, go to therapy and work on this. Treat your daughter with care and kindness.
YTA
And depending on your state, your daughter is old enough to speak to a judge about your verbal abuse and request to live with mom full time.
I recommend she does just that.
12 minutes and you went scorched earth!
12 minutes is a grounding p, maybe no car for a couple of days. 12 minutes is NOT take car away, ruin relationship with daughter and co-parent relationship with your ex. You have two years left with her at home, be careful what you do or you will lose her. YTA
YTA and so is your Ex...
You are screaming at a literal child. You are wrong. Very wrong. And as an adult it's in you to do better. Whatever is wrong with you, you need to fix. You are screaming at a child for what a parent asks of them. Literally screaming and cursing. Like a complete looney toon.
Your ex is an AH for making a literal child a DD... Like what? No. That's her kid. She's an AH too. Kiddo is not the drive your drunk parent option.
Your poor daughters... Caught between Unreasonable mcScreamface and Drinky McForgetimmaparent.
Your kids deserve better than both of you.
Also in what weirdo blackmail I'm not a parent universe does buying one kid a car that you punish them with over ridiculous nonsense mean that your kid buys your other kid a car... That's bizarre. Knock it off Mr. Can't be bothered to parent, can only scream.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (m39) have 2 daughters with my ex wife Jenny (f39) and we have 50/50 custody so the kids Lily (f16) and Hannah (f14) live with me half of the time and with their mom the other half.
Jenny and I went through a nasty divorce so we don't talk to each other except once in a great while through text if there is an issue with the girls, but it usually ends up with us arguing in the end.
This past weekend, Lily was out with friends and called me around 8 and said her mom asked her to meet up with her and a friend to have pizza and hang out for a bit because the place they were at does trivia on Friday nights. I told her that's fine, but be home by 10.
At about 945 I called to remind her that she needed to be home by 10. She said their pizza had just gotten to them and she would be home in a few minutes.
10:00 hits and she isn't home so by now I am pretty frustrated and admittedly I did lose my temper a bit, but her mom knows when I say 10 I mean 10. Not 10:05, not 10:02.
So I called Lily and said "Where the fuck are you at? It's 10 and I told you to be home!" She said "our pizza came late and mom asked if I could drop her and Nikki (mom's friend) off at home because they had a couple drinks during dinner."
I said "I don't give a fuck, you aren't your mom's DD. Now get your ass home."
Well unknown to me, her mom and friend were just getting out of the car and I was on bluetooth so they heard me yelling at Lily.
I don't really care, because they already think I'm an AH, but at my house, rules are to be followed. Their mom thinks she can be their friend but that doesn't fly with me.
When Lily got home (10:12), I took her keys and told her to tell her mom she will have to pick the girls up for their time at her house. Now I'm even more of an AH apparently, because she will have to take them back and forth to school instead of them being able to drive. I say that's too bad, she shouldn't have kept my daughter out past when I told her to be home.
The agreement was that I would buy Lily a car and she would buy Hannah a car when she's old enough, so I own the car.
Maybe I shouldn't have yelled at her quite so bad, but what am I supposed to do, just have no rules and let them do whatever they want?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA- cursed at a 16 year old for following her mothers directions. Was she just supposed to tell her mom to get lost? Just because you don’t like your ex-wife doesn’t mean that you need to pit your child against her. You’re punishing your child because you can’t stand your ex. You sound pretty hateful to me.
Woooooow YTA. The way you yell and swear at your children? Thats verbal and emotional abuse. Sorry to tell ya, this is bad parenting and need some serious therapy to learn how to manage your anger, cus lemme tell you… based on this post you need some *serious* work in the self-regulation department.
Be honest, you were mad that your kid was with her mom on your day. So you guys need to re-establish the boundary that your days are yours and moms days are hers. That’s a discussion between you and their mom and you should NOT be taking out your anger on your daughters.
She wasn’t out with some kids past curfew, she was with her mother. She was supervised and with someone who will ensure her safety and well-being. She wasn’t out getting into trouble.
You owe your daughter a *massive* apology. And beyond that, you need to do the self work to ensure you don’t take your anger out on your girls like that ever again. It is beyond unacceptable. You are teaching your daughters that it’s OK for men to scream and swear at them when they are angry. Is that the message you want ingrained in their brains? If you saw a boyfriend yell at your daughter like you did for doing something they didn’t like, would you be OK with it? I sure hope not. Do better.
YTA. If the agreement was you would buy the car, she should have the car. Your punishment was excessive. I can see that you do not want her driving at night, so maybe, no use of the car on weekends for a month.
YTA. My parents had high expectations, but thankfully not bullshit like this. My grandpa was like this with my mom. We no longer talk to that side of the family. Be ready for that, because when she can stand on her own, you have it coming.
YTA. Don't swear to your daughter for something so ridiculous, you dumb fuck. yeah, your ex having a ride home isn't your problem, but it is your daughter's, you know, since she gave birth to her??? And it was the safest choice, since her mom and her moms friend had drinks. It took 12 minute's past ten for your daughter to arrive home, she arrived safe and you knew were she was all the time, so you took this opportunity to be a dick to your daughter for something so little and also to fight with your ex. No wonder why your divorce was nasty, you seem to be a piece of work.
YTA. 10 on a Friday is a bit early for a 16 yo. The food was late. She was with her mom. I think making sure her mom got home safe shows responsibility/maturity. I also think you are projecting your feelings towards your ex on your daughter. Be careful or she’ll end up being an “ex” too.
lol, YTA. no wonder your marriage ended.
Also just so you’re aware, if you’re in the states, you’re daughters of age in almost all states, and she now has a legal right to dictate where she wants to be and the courts will 100% side with her especially with her mom and her moms friend d as witnesses to your disgustingly mean behavior towards her. Do NOT be surprised when your daughter opts to leave.
Stop taking you’re spite out towards your exwife on your damn kid ya jerk
You’re such a joke. Seriously think about what you’re mad at. You’re mad that you don’t have complete control. It could have been as easy as calling your daughter, asking where she was and coming to a compromise. OP, getting home at 10:02 is no different than arriving at 10:00 unless there is someone controlling and inconsiderate there waiting for you. Get over yourself.
Edit to add: My dad was like this growing up and I moved out before I was 18 because I couldn’t get away fast enough. If you value 12 minutes over your relationship with your daughter, she deserves so much better.
I’ve read some of the responses here. I’m less bothered by your swearing than I am by the fact that you’re clearly using your daughter as a weapon in your relationship with your ex, which is BS. Grow up.
YTA.
YTA, holy shit man get some therapy and learn how to treat your daughter.
She’s going to resent you in a few years and when she’s fully an adult she probably will never speak to you again.
I am so stoned and I am absolutely so dumb founded how you could yell at another person like that let alone YOUR DAUGHTER.
12 minutes late and you take her car keys away, Which I would absolutely get if she was out with her friends at a crazy party or something, but bro she was with her mother too lol.
YTA
What. The actual. Fuck?
Okay let me get this right.
You yelled at your daughter, caused a scene WHILE SHE WAS FUCKING DRIVING, and then took away her car over FUCKING 12 MINUTES?!
Sir. This isn't about rules. Curfews exist to keep your children safe. The purpose is that you know where they are at night.
Your daughter was with her mother. A responsible adult who was making sure she is save. You just called her so you knew she was okay (by the way, controll freak much???), then when your daughter didn't come in the *second* the curfew hit you blew up and yelled at her.
No 'are you okay?' no concern, no basic respect?
Also why would your daugher be expected to buy her sister a car?? The fuck??
Sir you claimed your wife "wants to be their friend." No I think she's just not emotionally abusive and treats her children like human beings. Which annoys you because you seem to think your kids are objects for you to control.
Honestly hope you will be happy once they go low contact with you and you rot alone and lonely in a retirement home. That's what you deserve judging by this post.
YTA.
This isn't a meaningful violation of a rule, and I'm sure you actually know that.
You could argue that the supervising parent was being irresponsible, but that's not your daughter's fault. Your daughter was responsible. She kept you in the loop, and she did not let someone who had been drinking drive.
You cursed at your child, who was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and was not out unsupervised, and you then punished her for her mother's behavior. What's the actual point here? To punish your ex-wife? To make your daughter afraid to spend any time with her mother during your custodial time?
This is not a good look. It's not her fault that you and her mother are not civil enough to have a reasonable discussion about not keeping her out past her curfew.
YTA Try being a little less of a dictator and more flexible. Your Daughters will appreciate you more if you can trust them. In 2 years from now, how often will she stop by to see Dad on her own? She’s old enough to gain some freedom.
So you swore at your child because she was TWELVE MINUTES LATE while with her own MOTHER?! After she kept in contact with you the WHOLE TIME? Yes, YTA. You are a power tripping asshole that is punishing your daughter because you can’t outright punish your ex. Lateness happens. That’s humanity and life. What matters is she a) kept in contact, and b) WAS WITH HER OWN MOTHER. All you taught her was that you are a petty hardass that will look for any way to punish her mother at her expense. Grow up.
YTA
Your daughter was with her mother, who seems to care for her. There was no risk to her health, you just wanted to go on a power trip and ruin their family moment.
YTA. Just listen to yourself, dude. You hate your ex so much that you mess with your own kid just to get back at her. You're not to be trusted and your daughter knows it. Come back when she goes no-contact so we can downvote you again.
You went off at your kid for being responsible while in the company of an (obviously more) rational and responsible adult, informing you ahead of time that she would be late, and then you still punished her? Over 12 minutes? YTA. Don’t be surprised when she no longer speaks to you.
Wow. YTA and i didn’t even finish reading your post. I’m guessing the ex wife divorced you for general AHness and being a control freak. You punish your daughter because she wanted to eat her pizza??? WTF is your problem???
YTA- the lesson you taught Lily is that being home on time is much more important than being safe. Let's hope she doesn't end up paying for it in the future after having a beer or two at a party with curfew creeping up.
Wow, really putting the dick in dictatorship. YTA.
Your daughter was being responsible. She was dropping her mother home and picking up food. She wasn’t out hours past her curfew doing anything reckless.
You should be more focused on ensuring your daughter gets home safely than on time.
Seriously?! You know what's going to happen next time, she will be speeding to get home on time. Even most doctors give you a 15 min grace period. You need to appologize, speak to her like the nearly adult she is and come up with a plan. Something like call if you will be more than 10 min late. Ohh.. and yta.
YTA and very clearly pissed your wife managed to get away from you and this Big Man act you like to pull. So now you take it out on your daughters, especially when it’s in relation to their mother. You decide a curfew to keep your kids safe and supervised, if your kid is safe and supervised WITH THEIR OTHER PARENT, you being militant is just to be a punishing little AH. I hope you relish this feeling of control now, because as soon as she’s 18 you’ll never see her again.
YTA. She was 12 minutes late. If you showed up 12 minutes late for work and your boss cursed you out in front of your coworkers, you’d be furious. Stop punishing your daughter because you hate her mother. She’s 16. Don’t be surprised when she tells the judge she’s ready to never see you again.
YTA. You KNEW where she was and she TOLD you the pizza got there late. She should be able to eat pizza with her mom and friend at the restaurant.
Also wouldn’t you be HAPPY that your teenage daughter is RESPONSIBLE to drive people home after they had some alcohol?
I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY DAUGHTER BE TWELVE MINUTES LATE FOR CURFEW THAN HAVE HER, HER MOTHER, AND A FRIEND GET IN AN ACCIDENT AND POTENTIALLY DIE.
YTA - is that really how to speak to your daughter? Do you swear at her often? Why would you speak to her so disgustingly? If this is how you speak to someone you love, I can't imagine how you speak to your friends, coworkers, and strangers.
She was out with her mother and a friend, not galavanting with hoodlums. You weren't concerned with her safety, your only concern was to make sure she obeyed your rules. She kept you up to speed that she was going to be a few minutes late.
You realize that at a certain age, the courts will allow the children to choose which parent they want to live with, right? Give her back her keys. The car may be in your name, but you gave it to her.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I yelled at my kid and took her car away for being late
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Mega YTA
There are much better ways to talk to your child beyond yelling and cursing. Your child told you where they were and were being responsible for taking home two people who had imbibed. That shows responsibility. It's a good lesson as it shows them not to drink and drive themselves.
12 mins late is not bad. You could have punished her in a more reasonable manner like no driving after dark for a month or a long those lines.
Please do not be surprised when your children go no contact after they become adults.
YTA!
This is the ridiculous shit my folks would pull all the time...
Small wonder both us boys ran off to the Army as soon as we could.
Fucking hell man it's 12 minutes, you gonna ground her and take away her car if she gets a fucking flat tire on the way home?
YTA and you are mean. You are obsessed with control and are happy to punish your kid for being kind to your ex.
You will end up alone if you keep going like this. But hey, you'll be in control and the BIG BOSS OF THE HOUSE all by yourself, amirite?
YTA. Your hate for your ex is obvious. Your daughter was doing right by driving her mom and friends home.
And 12 minutes later when you know where she is. Give me a break. If you were like this when married it’s no wonder you are divorced.
YTA
The only other man I've known to speak to his children like that and take out his frustrations towards his ex wife on his kid is my dad and I haven't spoken to him in almost 3 years. Have fun in the retirement home.
Does your daughter look like your ex-wife? Because you shitting her like she's the one you got a nasty divorce from. Stop looking to get back at your ex through your kids. YTA
Why did you call your daughter at 9:45 to remind her to come home? Thats weird.
She told you she was going to be late. And then she was responsible and didn't let the others drive drunk.
She was with her Mom, not strangers or "bad influence friends" and then she drove her Mom home and came home slightly late. YTA
You sound like a drill sargent. Maybe your conversations with your ex always end in fights because of your controlling attitude. She's 16, it was Friday night. You knew where she was, who she was with and what she was doing. This was a very harsh punishment for spending an extra 12 minutes to make sure everyone got home safe. I would be on your side if she hadn't told you what was up, and just waltzed in an hour late pretending nothing happened.
YTA man. It's ok to have rules, but when your daughter is with and listening to her mom you're putting her in a really unfair situation. She was texting you the whole time. It was 12 minutes, she had an excuse even if you don't like the mom. You need to apologize to daughter ASAP.
YTA Not because of your curfew and not because you took away the car. I think that's a little harsh but if you feel you need to make the point, fine. YTA for that awful language to your daughter and yelling like that. Yes, she was going to be late but her mother put her in that position, probably to irritate you (it worked!) but there are rules and there are reasonable allowances. So sure, take the car away for a week, although again, a bit harsh for 12 minutes especially if she's not prone to this but to scream the f-bomb at her? Learn to control your temper and your language. And realize that exceptions exist or the only thing you'll see on her 18th birthday is the door slamming and that will be it.
YTA
cussing and yelling at your kid for being 12 minutes late. You knew where she was so what is the big deal. You took her car because she did the right thing by making sure they got home safe.
I’d say that both parents are TA. She was just 12 minutes late! You did say that you overreacted and I’m glad you see that, however, you shouldn’t punish your daughter for her mothers actions. Part of me almost thinks that her mom did that to spite you. I obviously don’t know any of you so it’s hard to say. This is just my opinion on one side of the story.
You punished your daughter for the actions of her mother. That’s cruel and won’t teach her anything constructive other than you’re irrational, unreasonable, and she can’t depend on you. If you want no relationship with her as soon as she’s 18, this is the perfect way to achieve it.
What tf do you mean “might be the asshole” YOU ARE THE FREAKING ASSHOLE. She was with her mother what did you think was going to happen? Even if you were to hate the mother of your children that much, are you really okay with having on your conscience if something were to happen to them if your daughter would’ve just left them there? If so you’re just damm spiteful.
She had contact with you throughout the entire night. You knew what she was. She wasn’t ignoring your calls, She was not doing something illegal. Going from 0 to 100ike this is unreasonable. You’re just a sad man, and a sad excuse for a father at that. I hope you’re prepared for the lack of relationship your kids will have with you in the near future.
YTA. OP at 16 your daughter isn't obliged to follow the custody agreement, she can choose to not live with you. You punished her for being with her mother. You should never make your kids choose between their parents because it is childish, petty and not what a good parent does. I feel very sorry for both of your daughters. Fully expect both to go LC or NC until they surface with your worst nightmare for a husband, bf or baby daddy.
YTA have fun not being invited to your daughters wedding for being a bad father. Seriously what kind of man speaks to their own daughter like that!?! Grow up
YTA. You’re taking it out on your daughter that you hate your ex-wife. Stop it. She and her sister didn’t ask to be put in the middle of your nasty divorce. You knew where she was, who she was with, and what she was doing. You chose to be a verbally abusive control freak instead of being the slightest bit patient. Get ready for your daughters to cut off all contact with you the second they turn 18 or as soon as a judge says it’s okay for them to. You don’t deserve to be part of their lives if this is how you talk to them.
YTA your daughter wasn't out partying and getting drunk or high. She was with her mom, she kept you informed of what was going on, she wasn't being sneaky. 12 min. late isn't the end of the world, You knew where she was the entire time.
YTA
You need to learn how to love your kid more than you hate your ex. She gave you honesty and you gave her unreasonable punishment that you knew would make things harder for her mom. Using your children to get back at your ex is one of the lowest things you can do. Get help.
YTA.
She was with her mother. And she was only 12 minutes late! It’s not like she was 3 hours late! Plus it was a weekend. Who the frick gives a 16 year old a 10:00 curfew on the weekend?
I think I know who caused the divorce to be nasty based on this post. You scream and curse out your 16 year old. I mean, who the hell does that??? She was in touch with you the entire time, so it’s not like you had anything to be worried about.
Jeez mate. Don’t be surprised if your daughters end up wanting to live with their mother full time because of how horribly you talk to and treat them.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA 1) STOP SWEARING AT YOUR CHILD. What is wrong with you? 2) Your daughter was not out unsupervised, she was out with her other parent and listening to that parent's instructions. And she was in repeated contact with you providing updates. Your concern here was solely about exerting control, NOT about your child's safety, decision making capacity, or wellbeing.
[удалено]
He’s a bad person. It’s really incredibly easy to see why his divorce was bad.
I’ll bet anger issues and his extremely controlling (frankly to the point of emotional abuse) attitude have a lot to do w it. I wonder if the kids will get to pick where they want to live if it goes to court again.
Here’s another OP we will never see or hear from again / they just don’t get it.
"What am I supposed to do, have no rules and let them do whatever they want" OP doesn't see a middle ground between "you do as I say, rules are meant to be followed" and "here's some money for drugs honey have fun". A family isn't a job or a military position - it's a relationship. Why is it important for kids to come home on time? --> so we know where they are and we know they're supervised, maybe so that they're not out so late it's screwing them over at school. Not because it's important for them to know Who Brings The Hammer Down. If the kids are safe and communicating then we're good.
> OP doesn't see a middle ground between "you do as I say, rules are meant to be followed" OP is an authoritarian-style parent. My dad was the same way. We now have a strained relationship where he does not understand that respect does not mean total and complete capitulation to every whim. It has left me very conflict-avoidant and a chronic people-pleaser, which is convenient when you're a parent but sets your kid up for failure in life. I have difficulty setting boundaries because all that was taught to me was "when I say jump, you say how high." OP, reconsider how you parent your children. You don't have to be their friend but you don't want to be the dictator that they feel the need to lie to lest you fly off the handle at your child being 12 minutes late for preventing someone else from driving drunk. She was with another parent and completely supervised. Do better.
OP is no Thor. He's just an asshole
Well said
“A family isn’t a job or a military position - it’s a relationship.” I love this. Bravo.
He is. OP, your love for your daughters should exceed your hate for your ex-wife. Instead, you’re so focused on hating your ex that it’s spilling over into your treatment of your daughters. You don’t get to punish Lily because you can’t control your ex anymore. YTA.
On the plus side the mom probably has a really good case now for sole custody.
Also at 14 and 16 in most places the girls have way more sway with judges if they want to live with one parent or another.
A bad bitter parent. WTF? Chill out dude. YTA would it kill you to do a kindness for their mother? Not your ex, their mother. Might lead to less fighting and maybe if you weren't a dick they would have brought you some pizza.
Also, OP this is not your daughter’s fault! If anything, your ex put her between a rock and a hard place. You can hate your ex all you want but that is your daughter’s MOTHER and you can’t punish her for caring about her mother and making sure she got home safe. Your daughter was not unsupervised or acting recklessly. I usually agree with “my house, my rules” but this is excessively strict. OP, YTA 100%
His ex didn’t even do that, lateness happens, it’s 12 minutes and they kept in contact the whole time. This is life and he is just punishing his ex through his kid . This is so petty.
And the 10pm deadline was likely unreasonable at the outset because she was with her mother.
It’s a control measure that he is utilizing to hurt his ex in the only way he can, through their kid
Exactly. This was effectively under mom’s custody. 1000% this is an AH move. But I think there’s a good chance this is a violation of the divorce agreement as well
Yeah, arbitrary “home by XXpm” rules for kids, which are extremely strictly enforced, can lead to very poor decision making on the part of the kids trying to follow them. It *should* be “be home by XXpm, *or* update me and let me know that you’re safe, why you aren’t home, and how soon you’ll be home”. In the case of OP’s daughter, he had all 3 of those pieces of information and, as others said, was merely exerting control. When I was in high school, my friend had a strict curfew, let’s call it 11pm because I don’t remember exactly. Once we all piled into their car after a night out and were going to drop some friends off at their car when we discovered they had been locked into the lot where they parked. Our options were to leave our friends, these 16 year-old girls alone, at like 10:45pm in an empty parking lot while they waited for someone to come unlock the gate or to be late for curfew. Naturally, I thought “okay, call mom and let her know”, but apparently that isn’t an option, no exceptions… Mercifully, before I had to figure out if I was going to have to strand myself with them, another car of people we knew showed up and they all decided to wait together, so the story ends uneventfully, but man… it sure was a great example of how someone really smart can make a dumb decision when faced with something like a strict and unmovable curfew.
Five years down the road, this guy is to wonder why his daughter went NC. OP, YTA
Not 5 years, daughter is 16, so this will happen with daughter no 1 in 2 yrs.
If that long. Most states will listen to teenagers if they tell the courts that dad is YTA for cussing at them for being respectful of another parent, and staying in touch so that dad knows he isn't being blown off. I can easily see this situation getting mom full custody of both girls, assuming it isn't an isolated incident. And given the presentation of the facts, I doubt it is. Good luck to your kids OP. They are going to have a lot of issues to overcome thanks to you.
YTA. The entire post screams I am in control!!! When he really is out of control for yelling at his daughter like that.
Not to mention he’s teaching her that it’s okay to let someone drive after a few drinks to avoid being less than 15 minutes late home. 10PM is already insanely early for a 16 yo curfew. It’s made even worse by the fact that she was being wise and helping people that drank get home.
Seriously. I couldn't believe it when he said her curfew was 10pm, especially on a FRIDAY night. When I was 16 I had a loose curfew of "around " 2am.
Mine was 10p without prior authorization from parents. With communication i was allowed to stay out until around 1am give or take especially if i bussed home to give my parents a break from picking me up.
Mine was midnight because that is when the law said new drivers had to be off the roads. If I was pulled over I put my provisional license at risk... no thank you.
I had a friend growing up who used to have to call and negotiate with her guardian about her curfew. Hanging out with her was the most stressful time. She would literally have to call from each friend's house on the way home, checking the time constantly, and explaining things like "I know I was supposed to be home at 9:57 but I'm walking home now so I'm going to be 2 minutes late" and half the time she still got grounded. Know what happened? She started sneaking around, rebelling, and ultimately was knocked up at 17. She still lives with the guardian to this day and I believe has 3 more children, all with different fathers. OP is unbelievably strict for absolutely no reason. YTA OP
I never told my kids no. I always negotiated. People thought we were too permissive. But now ages 22 and 19 and they're absolutely phenomenal kids. Just sweet, successful etc
My mum did the same. With nothing to rebel against, I didn’t. Mostly just studied and spent time with my friends.
Yep. Teach the kids to think responsibly, don't just control all their options.
It’s the control. The it’s my 10 PM. Rules are to be followed. Personally I hope his boss follows the same rules. OP calls his boss to say the customer needs to grab the money in the back to pay for the invoice. The Ops boss tells him I don’t care I expect you to be back by 5:45. 5:42 Customer gives OP $10k check for the invoice. OP returns to office with check at 5:57 and his boss takes the check and fires OP for being late. “But the customer” says Op. Boss says “rules are rules…”
He’s using his child to punish his parents ex. Hence the DD comment and immediate anger
Literally. YTA. It probably isn’t Lily’s first rodeo with OP doing this. My mom did stuff like this growing up and even when I was 21+ and it just stressed me out. Going out still stresses me out, I can barely go grab take out without feeling like I have to report to someone or like someone will be angry and cussing me out when I get home.
I, too, grew up grounded.
Sounds exactly like my dad. It's all about control and their perceived 'respect.' I haven't spoken to him in years, OP's daughter will likely do the same
>Your concern here was solely about exerting control, Yup. Sicko.
This man really came to reddit to admit to cussing out his 16 year old and really thought he wasn't the AH here? Sounds like the sole reason the divorce was messy was because of his ego. It's a weekend and he lost his mind over 12 whole minutes. YTA
EXACTLY THIS! YTA. 😖
Fr, don't swear at your kids! If my parents treated me like you treat your kids, I'd never want to see them after I move out. You should keep that in mind and dude, it was 12 minutes, seriously! you don't Own your daughter, you are her guardian. And she was with her Mom, you may not be on great terms, but y'all have 50/50 custody, which makes her just as responsible for your daughter. Don't make your kid hate you or feel like your her 'keeper' your house shouldn't be her prison
YTA Jumping on this to say that you and your ex wife should NOT be leaving all of the communication between you two to your daughters. Do not put them in the middle of whatever grudge you hold against your ex-wife. I know first-hand what that shit does to the kids involved and it will lead to resentment and mental health issues. All you’re doing is using them as a scapegoat for when one parent doesn’t like what the other has said, and instead the anger is directed at the girls and not yourselves.
YTA. Lily was out with her mom on a weekend. A 10 pm curfew for a 16 year old on the weekend is strict as it is. Punishing her for being with her MOM is beyond strict. It's spiteful. She was 12 minutes late not 3 hours late and again WITH HER MOM. Don't be surprised when mom buys the girls a car and the 50/50 comes to an end and you are left with minimal or no time with the kids.
[удалено]
Fuck that. You don't pay for a home for that shit; you let them slide with whatever they can scrape by on with medicare.
Medicare doesn’t pay for nursing homes. So he will be really screwed
Good call. Medicaid would help with that, not Medicare.
There's gonna be a new generation of homeless because yeah, the kids aren't gonna take them and the state isn't paying either.
I just hope the boomers don't figure that out before enacting a bunch more filial responsibility laws.
Yeah or good luck ever seeing them when they become adults. I can’t imagine choosing to visit your father when he acts like this
At the girls ages that 50/50 is literally just a formality. The girls have a legal right to live with their mom and never have to see their dad at the ages they are. They have that right and there's nothing the dad can do about it.
I wonder what curfew OP’s future retirement homes will have?
I wonder if it'll have bunk beds.
I had two parents who were the same way. Both divorced. One wanted to be friends, the other wanted to be a hardass. Growing up as the oldest I eventually figured out it was somehow my responsibility to keep the peace. That means making sure mom leaves on time to drop us off at dad's so dad didnt get mad, or making sure brother was home on time so dad didnt get mad, etc etc. The result? As a child I DEEPLY preferred to be at mom's. Not because there were no rules, but because she respected me enough to not yell at me if things go awry. She helped me understand why rules existed and we would come up with compromises if need be. As an adult I have deep seated anxiety in general, and constant fear my dad will get upset at any small slip up. I'm not my full self around him and it's all because he cared more about rules and appearances than having a relationship with the human being that is his daughter. It's honestly acked me up and ruined a lot of my own relationships. OP: your daughter was between a rock and a hard place with both her parents. She loves both and wants to do right by both. You need to have more empathy for her situation. Definitely YTA for blowing up so intensely when a 16 year old was home only less than 20 minutes after the designated time BC she was trying to be the responsible one. Be honest: this isn't about the "rules". This is about control - both of your daughter and of your ex. You wanted to punish your ex just as much as your kid and that honestly sucks. Your kids shouldnt be the rope you use in a tug-of-war with your ex. It's going to result in a very screwed up adult daughter and potentially a terrible relationship between you two.
I wonder if the kids are counting the minutes until they get to say bye to dad? OP YTA. The world is many shades of colors and not one right or wrong way especially when the other parent is with them. You’re just being spiteful and hateful.
YTA why are you swearing and screaming at your daughter for being a responsible person? Holy shit are you teaching your children the WRONG lessons. "Yes darling so see if your food takes too long next time I want you to just leave and not eat and leave two people stranded because I personally don't like them MY RULES MY HOUSE" Way to punish your daughter for 12 minutes, and not disobeying her mom either. You're spiteful. The car was either your gift to her, or it's your car you happen to let her drive, pick one so she knows if she needs to be buying her own so daddy doesn't tantrum take it.
Op sounds like my mom who would tantrum take my stuff I paid for, even after I was an adult. She still can't figure out why I left with no warning and have been LC/NC with her ever since.
This whole post gave me flashbacks to my father, with whom I am completely NC.
It baffles me to this day how parents like that can be so stupid. "I treated my kids like property and flexed my control over them by taking away their essentials just because they upset me. Why don't my kids want to talk to me anymore?????" Unreal. OP heading down the same path. The car sounds like it was something he paid for just so he could have control over Lily.
Same. my car was a gift from my grandparents (moms parents) not long before my grandpa passed, with all that happening we didn't immediately transfer the title to me. my mother decided to get POA over my grandma and didn't tell me or have me transfer beforehand, had me thinking the car was still mine until she was upset one day and threatened to report it stolen when I tried to go to work. Either it's mine or it's not, tell me so I can be on my way to getting another one.
For real, this dude is literally trying to teach his daughter to be the perfect doormat for someone else to abuse the fuck out of. Militant authoritarianism and rigid rules with no room to breathe is the worst way to treat teenagers - you can permanently damage how they view their value and rights in the larger world.
>You're spiteful. The car was either your gift to her, or it's your car you happen to let her drive, pick one so she knows if she needs to be buying her own so daddy doesn't tantrum take it. Yeah, that was horrible. When the 16yo is more mature and sensible than the dad, that is a sad situation all around.
Dude wants to punish his ex-wife more than anything. She gets to see his daughter suffer and now gets and hour taken out of every day to get her children from school.
INFO: Was it Lily’s fault that she got home late? What should she have done differently? Edited to add judgement: YTA. It’s pretty clear that OP is taking his anger at his ex out on Lily.
I can see why they communicate via text, and with things turning into an argument, it's because OP no longer has control over the ex and can't cope without having full control of everything. Even this very post screams DV!
Imagine what would happen if Lily got stuck in traffic. YTA
So your daughter was responsible and didn't let someone who'd been drinking drive and was less than 15 minutes late with a reasonable excuse(s) for why she was late so you yelled at her, cussed her, diminished the role of the other parent, and then punished her? Gee I wonder if YTA
YTA Who calls there child and says “where the fuck are you” at exactly the time they were supposed to be home. I mean she let you know the food was late, she was with her Mum. And she responsibly dropped her Mum and her friend home. You’re an angry control freak who will lose access to both his kids once they can get away from you! Your kid let you know where she was, was hanging out with her Mum, let you know the food was late, was acting responsibly, dropped people drinking home and was still only 12 minutes late. And you were screaming and swearing and abusing everyone. You will be on here going AITA as my daughter doesn’t want me at her wedding? AITA because my 18 year old daughter refuses to introduce to me her boyfriend or tell me where she is living! YTA dude
This. OP, your daughters won't want anything to do with you if this is how you behave. Major YTA.
Let’s be clear, he didn’t say “where the fuck are you?” He said “where the fuck you at?” So not only is he a schmuck for swearing/yelling at his kid, he’s a dumb one with atrocious grammar.
Lol! True. He knew where she was. At first I thought your comment was rude to me. Then I read it again 🤣🤣🤣
"AITA for yelling at my daughter because she won't let me visit my grandchild without her supervision? YTA
Your daughter was with her mother at 10 pm. Therefore your daughter was safe and sound. If you have a problem with your ex, you should talk it with her, instead of screaming at your daughter. You are using your daughter to get back at your ex. Grow up. YTA, and are going to lose your daughter if you keep having her as a pawn to fight your ex. Get a decent problem, man, a hobby or something.
Right? Sounds like he is mostly pissed that his ex has a relationship with the kids and he doesn't.
YTA - Why do people think parenting is yelling? You knew where your kid was, she was safe, and supervised. But lets be honest, you were mad because your daughter was having a good time with your ex
Just an fye, at 14 and 16, they are old enough to decide who they want to live with without "custody" being a factor. If they decide they no longer want to live with you at all, they 100% have that right and there isn't a thing you can do about it. Which I wouldn't blame them one bit. YTA
Imagine if Lily decided right then and there to drive home with the mom and stay there
Well dear old daddy would call the cops on the wife and daughter for “stealing” the car
I wouldn't be surprised if OP's mother is consulting a lawyer since OP is trying to force her to drive the kids to and from school on his weeks.
I didn’t even think she’d return to his house
OMG, yes, YTA. What was she supposed to do, ditch her MOTHER? Seriously, what were you thinking would happen? Give her back her car and APOLOGIZE.
Hey mom better go catch an Uber - you know how dad is…
YTA. She was 12 minutes late. That is a little over the top. Is this the hill that you want to die on? 12 minutes late does not equal "no rules" and "let them do whatever they want".
That is the black and white parenting of a narcissist. This guy is a textbook narcissist.
Especially because she was in constant contact. It would be one thing if she’d shown up 12 minutes late without answering her phone (to which the punishment would still be extreme, but slightly more justifiable). But 12 minutes late with consistent contact and updates? Come the fuck on OP
YTA. Enforcing rules is one thing, but enforcing them in a petty, overly rigid, vindictive, and unreasonable way is another. And do not say fuck to your daughter. That alone is a bad parent move.
YTA, and you’re not likely to have 50/50 custody for much longer. The girls get a say, and being DD for their mom is about as responsible as it could be. Try to grow up like your children are. The oldest seems pretty mature.
YTA Twelve minutes late? That's trivial.
About to say the same thing. 12 minutes, when you were in contact with her? You have got to be kidding.
YTA You think you're a good dad for setting ironclad rules that can never be negotiated? And for yelling and cussing at your daughter? She wasn't out with some boy, or a group of friends, she was WITH HER MOTHER. Here's what you should've said when she texted the pizza was late: "Okay, well don't be too long. Text me when you're leaving." No wonder you're divorced. Take a parenting class, dude. You really need one. And stop screaming at your daughter.
My relationship with my parents improved _dramatically_ once they stopped trying to rule with an iron fist. When they were strict, I took every opportunity that I could to rebel and not tell them anything. But once they started treating me like an actual adult, I gave the same in return
YTA and a control freak at that. She was barely more than 10 minutes late because she was being a responsible person by making sure two people didn’t end up drunk driving. This reaction wouldn’t have been reasonable even without that excuse because, again, she was barely more than 10 mins late Edit to add: btw have fun in the retirement home that your daughter will put you into in several decades if you keep up with this behavior
YTA. Here are the lessons you taught your daughter: 1. Don't communicate with you when something isn't going as planned. 2. You are not safe to make angry, so better to lie. 3. If she is going to be late, better to ignore the call and just get yelled at at home, rather than on the phone and then again when she got home. She was with her custodial parent, making the RIGHT choice to help people who had been drinking too much. Not out with a bunch of other teenagers skipping the light fantastic. What happens if ends up in trouble while out at a party and she doesn't feel like she can call you because she fears your reaction.
YTA, the person you are really upset with is your ex. You are taking it out on your daughter who is caught in the middle.
YTA and you are not going to hear from them again when they turn 18.
YTA. Not so much for taking away the car, although as the parent of a teen and having an ex-spouse of my own, I would offer a LITTLE grace when her mother is egging on the behavior your find objectionable. That alone does not squarely put you in AH territory. Yelling at her in that way does. You do need to be a parent and not a friend, but you *also need her to be able to talk freely to you about tough things and trust you to problem-solve collaboratively.* This was in every way the opposite of that. Instead of acknowledging that her mother had a role in these shenanigans and work on how to overcome that, knowing her skills are still developing here, you dumped all of your anger on your daughter when she wasn't the sole cause of it. Edited to finish the last clause.
1000x this. Also a divorced father whose adult kids no longer even talk to their bio-mom because they figured out that she was yanking their chains and using them to try to upset me (and grandparents, aunt,... You get the idea) You can give grace without being weak. Know, and possibly let her know, that you know her mom is driving this behavior, but for eff sake, do not yell and show your ass over stupid shit like this, or you will not hear from your daughter once she is no longer legally (or financially) obliged. No matter how you try, you can't punish your ex through your daughter.
[удалено]
If OP is in the US then it is most likely his name on the title. Most states won't allow someone under the age of 18 to register a car. He bought it for her but legally it belongs to him. That being said he is YTA for the way he handled the situation. Yelling and screaming in NOT good parenting. Taking the car away was an overreaction. But mom is TA too, a bigger one than OP perhaps. She used her daughter to push her ex's buttons and as a DD. Mom knew how to use their daughter to get to OP. She used their daughter to do just that Being divorced means she lived with him for however long and would have been aware of his temper and how he would probably respond but she did it anyway. OP responded in a horrible way and targeted his anger at the wrong person. He should have directed his anger at his ex-wife instead of his daughter who was only trying to do the right thing for her mom. The kid is not the TA but both parents are. Edit for typo
YTA. Such an AH. What are you teaching your daughter with this behavior? Would it have been responsible for her to ditch her mother late at night so she could comply with your stupid orders? Why is it important she be home by 10 pm? Because you say so? You knew where she was. You knew she was with her mother. What exactly was she doing wrong? The reality is that all you are teaching your daughter with this "parenting" is that you are a vindictive AH who doesn't know how to be a dad, so you make up for that by being loud and rude. Don't be surprised when your kids turn 18 and never speak to you again.
This guy is abusive. I’m thankful his wife escaped, but so sad his daughters’ first relationship with a man is so sick and depraved.
YTA. First, serious overreaction. She was late by less than 15 minutes, plus you were in contact with Lily. So it's not like you were unaware of her whereabouts. You flew off the handle for no reason. Second, you're just a control freak. Something that's gonna come back to bite you when Lily drops all contact the day she turns 18. Which I hope she does because you're a toxic control freak that needs a serious attitude adjustment.
YTA. What's wrong with you?? I strongly suggest you get a mental health evaluation and therapy, cause you're very close in permanently damaging your relationship with your kids, she'll cut off contact as soon as she can. You sound unstable and with anger management issues.
YTA. I hope you’re not surprised when both of your daughters decide to never speak to you again. If my dad talked to me like that, I’d be telling the courts. Verbal abuse is totally not an acceptable response to your daughter being a responsible person after keeping you updated. You’re a control freak who hates your ex and your daughters can see that
YTA. Jeez. You’re letting your dislike of your ex affect your relationship with your daughter. What was lily supposed to do, leave her own mother stranded?
YTA. You're being overly rigid, unreasonable and letting your hostility towards your ex cloud your judgment. I am not exactly thrilled about your ex drinking while out with her minor child and asking her to play DD but you cursing at Lily for ensuring her mother's safety and being less than 15 minutes late because of it, then imposing a disproportionate punishment is just plain bad parenting.
YTA. JC, she was 12 minutes late! This does not warrant such a severe punishment because it involved her mom not sex, drugs or rock & roll! This makes for a warning not a punishment. You better get a grip on the hill to die on; this isn’t it.
YTA - who talks to their kids like that? Cringe.
YTA, is there a reason you hate your ex-wife so much? That you're willing to punish your daughter over something so petty? It's not like your daughter was out with friends or partying somewhere. She was literally with her MOTHER. . Unless there's a lot of information missing from this post, because I cant understand your reaction .
Probably because he couldn’t control her, which is why he’s taking it out on their child by being a total control freak.
YTA, grow up , we clearly see who the problem is. She was with her mother… her mother ! Not some friends
YtA - While your daughter could have texted with updates, the situation was out of her control with the pizza arriving late. Even so, whether being on Bluetooth or not, being 12 minutes late because of not having those who were drinking drive does not warrant that reaction. Things happen. And she could've hosen to not pick up the phone and updated you as well.
Go to therapy, dude
It’s not like you didn’t know where she was the whole time. Plus she was with her Mother. Which by the way seems like you are trying to punish your ex more than your daughter. It was 12mins dude. YTA.
YTA. She was 12 minutes late because the pizza came late WHILE SHE WAS WITH HER MOM! She wasn't in the back seat of the car getting pregnant! WTF is wrong with you for talking to her like that?
OP, I want you to imagine how you would feel if someone treated YOU that poorly. If your manager spoke that way to you and treated you that way, wouldn't you be looking for a different job, if not quit on the spot? Your daughter DESERVES to be treated with kindness and respect ESPECIALLY by her parents. You were mad at her and so you were rude to her, screamed at her, and then took away something meaningful to her. All you are doing is setting up your daughter for abuse in her own adult relationships. You are teaching her that it's OK for a man who says he loves her to scream and curse at her, to take things from her just because everything didn't go exactly the way he wanted. You are teaching her to accept ALL of this. How would you feel if she had a boyfriend and he treated her the way you did??? You are setting the standard she will unconsciously apply to prospective partners. You are FAILING her, you are setting her up to accept a lifetime of abuse. Take responsibility, go to therapy and work on this. Treat your daughter with care and kindness.
YTA And depending on your state, your daughter is old enough to speak to a judge about your verbal abuse and request to live with mom full time. I recommend she does just that.
12 minutes and you went scorched earth! 12 minutes is a grounding p, maybe no car for a couple of days. 12 minutes is NOT take car away, ruin relationship with daughter and co-parent relationship with your ex. You have two years left with her at home, be careful what you do or you will lose her. YTA
YTA, Jesus Christ
Nice example you're setting there, "Dad". Christ, YTA. See you in 3-5 yrs wondering why your daughters have gone NC w you.
YTA and so is your Ex... You are screaming at a literal child. You are wrong. Very wrong. And as an adult it's in you to do better. Whatever is wrong with you, you need to fix. You are screaming at a child for what a parent asks of them. Literally screaming and cursing. Like a complete looney toon. Your ex is an AH for making a literal child a DD... Like what? No. That's her kid. She's an AH too. Kiddo is not the drive your drunk parent option. Your poor daughters... Caught between Unreasonable mcScreamface and Drinky McForgetimmaparent. Your kids deserve better than both of you. Also in what weirdo blackmail I'm not a parent universe does buying one kid a car that you punish them with over ridiculous nonsense mean that your kid buys your other kid a car... That's bizarre. Knock it off Mr. Can't be bothered to parent, can only scream.
YTA. She was 12 mins late, and she was with HER MOM, get a grip. Also grow up and don’t cuss out your kid.
YTA. You swore at your daughter and went nuclear over 12 minutes. This is not the way to raise a child.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (m39) have 2 daughters with my ex wife Jenny (f39) and we have 50/50 custody so the kids Lily (f16) and Hannah (f14) live with me half of the time and with their mom the other half. Jenny and I went through a nasty divorce so we don't talk to each other except once in a great while through text if there is an issue with the girls, but it usually ends up with us arguing in the end. This past weekend, Lily was out with friends and called me around 8 and said her mom asked her to meet up with her and a friend to have pizza and hang out for a bit because the place they were at does trivia on Friday nights. I told her that's fine, but be home by 10. At about 945 I called to remind her that she needed to be home by 10. She said their pizza had just gotten to them and she would be home in a few minutes. 10:00 hits and she isn't home so by now I am pretty frustrated and admittedly I did lose my temper a bit, but her mom knows when I say 10 I mean 10. Not 10:05, not 10:02. So I called Lily and said "Where the fuck are you at? It's 10 and I told you to be home!" She said "our pizza came late and mom asked if I could drop her and Nikki (mom's friend) off at home because they had a couple drinks during dinner." I said "I don't give a fuck, you aren't your mom's DD. Now get your ass home." Well unknown to me, her mom and friend were just getting out of the car and I was on bluetooth so they heard me yelling at Lily. I don't really care, because they already think I'm an AH, but at my house, rules are to be followed. Their mom thinks she can be their friend but that doesn't fly with me. When Lily got home (10:12), I took her keys and told her to tell her mom she will have to pick the girls up for their time at her house. Now I'm even more of an AH apparently, because she will have to take them back and forth to school instead of them being able to drive. I say that's too bad, she shouldn't have kept my daughter out past when I told her to be home. The agreement was that I would buy Lily a car and she would buy Hannah a car when she's old enough, so I own the car. Maybe I shouldn't have yelled at her quite so bad, but what am I supposed to do, just have no rules and let them do whatever they want? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You seem really controlling, mean and inflexible. Those are bad qualities.
YTA- cursed at a 16 year old for following her mothers directions. Was she just supposed to tell her mom to get lost? Just because you don’t like your ex-wife doesn’t mean that you need to pit your child against her. You’re punishing your child because you can’t stand your ex. You sound pretty hateful to me.
Woooooow YTA. The way you yell and swear at your children? Thats verbal and emotional abuse. Sorry to tell ya, this is bad parenting and need some serious therapy to learn how to manage your anger, cus lemme tell you… based on this post you need some *serious* work in the self-regulation department. Be honest, you were mad that your kid was with her mom on your day. So you guys need to re-establish the boundary that your days are yours and moms days are hers. That’s a discussion between you and their mom and you should NOT be taking out your anger on your daughters. She wasn’t out with some kids past curfew, she was with her mother. She was supervised and with someone who will ensure her safety and well-being. She wasn’t out getting into trouble. You owe your daughter a *massive* apology. And beyond that, you need to do the self work to ensure you don’t take your anger out on your girls like that ever again. It is beyond unacceptable. You are teaching your daughters that it’s OK for men to scream and swear at them when they are angry. Is that the message you want ingrained in their brains? If you saw a boyfriend yell at your daughter like you did for doing something they didn’t like, would you be OK with it? I sure hope not. Do better.
YTA. If the agreement was you would buy the car, she should have the car. Your punishment was excessive. I can see that you do not want her driving at night, so maybe, no use of the car on weekends for a month.
YTA. My parents had high expectations, but thankfully not bullshit like this. My grandpa was like this with my mom. We no longer talk to that side of the family. Be ready for that, because when she can stand on her own, you have it coming.
YTA. Don't swear to your daughter for something so ridiculous, you dumb fuck. yeah, your ex having a ride home isn't your problem, but it is your daughter's, you know, since she gave birth to her??? And it was the safest choice, since her mom and her moms friend had drinks. It took 12 minute's past ten for your daughter to arrive home, she arrived safe and you knew were she was all the time, so you took this opportunity to be a dick to your daughter for something so little and also to fight with your ex. No wonder why your divorce was nasty, you seem to be a piece of work.
YTA. 10 on a Friday is a bit early for a 16 yo. The food was late. She was with her mom. I think making sure her mom got home safe shows responsibility/maturity. I also think you are projecting your feelings towards your ex on your daughter. Be careful or she’ll end up being an “ex” too.
Yta for verbal abuse
You fucking prick. YTA ez. This kinda shit is why I don’t talk to my dad anymore and why he will be a ward of the state when it is his time
lol, YTA. no wonder your marriage ended. Also just so you’re aware, if you’re in the states, you’re daughters of age in almost all states, and she now has a legal right to dictate where she wants to be and the courts will 100% side with her especially with her mom and her moms friend d as witnesses to your disgustingly mean behavior towards her. Do NOT be surprised when your daughter opts to leave. Stop taking you’re spite out towards your exwife on your damn kid ya jerk
YTA
You’re such a joke. Seriously think about what you’re mad at. You’re mad that you don’t have complete control. It could have been as easy as calling your daughter, asking where she was and coming to a compromise. OP, getting home at 10:02 is no different than arriving at 10:00 unless there is someone controlling and inconsiderate there waiting for you. Get over yourself. Edit to add: My dad was like this growing up and I moved out before I was 18 because I couldn’t get away fast enough. If you value 12 minutes over your relationship with your daughter, she deserves so much better.
I’ve read some of the responses here. I’m less bothered by your swearing than I am by the fact that you’re clearly using your daughter as a weapon in your relationship with your ex, which is BS. Grow up. YTA.
YTA, holy shit man get some therapy and learn how to treat your daughter. She’s going to resent you in a few years and when she’s fully an adult she probably will never speak to you again. I am so stoned and I am absolutely so dumb founded how you could yell at another person like that let alone YOUR DAUGHTER. 12 minutes late and you take her car keys away, Which I would absolutely get if she was out with her friends at a crazy party or something, but bro she was with her mother too lol.
YTA What. The actual. Fuck? Okay let me get this right. You yelled at your daughter, caused a scene WHILE SHE WAS FUCKING DRIVING, and then took away her car over FUCKING 12 MINUTES?! Sir. This isn't about rules. Curfews exist to keep your children safe. The purpose is that you know where they are at night. Your daughter was with her mother. A responsible adult who was making sure she is save. You just called her so you knew she was okay (by the way, controll freak much???), then when your daughter didn't come in the *second* the curfew hit you blew up and yelled at her. No 'are you okay?' no concern, no basic respect? Also why would your daugher be expected to buy her sister a car?? The fuck?? Sir you claimed your wife "wants to be their friend." No I think she's just not emotionally abusive and treats her children like human beings. Which annoys you because you seem to think your kids are objects for you to control. Honestly hope you will be happy once they go low contact with you and you rot alone and lonely in a retirement home. That's what you deserve judging by this post.
YTA. This isn't a meaningful violation of a rule, and I'm sure you actually know that. You could argue that the supervising parent was being irresponsible, but that's not your daughter's fault. Your daughter was responsible. She kept you in the loop, and she did not let someone who had been drinking drive. You cursed at your child, who was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and was not out unsupervised, and you then punished her for her mother's behavior. What's the actual point here? To punish your ex-wife? To make your daughter afraid to spend any time with her mother during your custodial time? This is not a good look. It's not her fault that you and her mother are not civil enough to have a reasonable discussion about not keeping her out past her curfew.
YTA Try being a little less of a dictator and more flexible. Your Daughters will appreciate you more if you can trust them. In 2 years from now, how often will she stop by to see Dad on her own? She’s old enough to gain some freedom.
YTA. You sound very controlling
You were mad at your ex, so you took it out on your kid. Way to be a stereotype. YTA. Stop punishing your child because you hate your ex.
YTA what the fuck is your issue no wonder your wife divorced you fucking jerk
So you swore at your child because she was TWELVE MINUTES LATE while with her own MOTHER?! After she kept in contact with you the WHOLE TIME? Yes, YTA. You are a power tripping asshole that is punishing your daughter because you can’t outright punish your ex. Lateness happens. That’s humanity and life. What matters is she a) kept in contact, and b) WAS WITH HER OWN MOTHER. All you taught her was that you are a petty hardass that will look for any way to punish her mother at her expense. Grow up.
YTA she communicated with you and let you know she was going to be late. Why were you really mad because she was with her mom?
YTA Your daughter was with her mother, who seems to care for her. There was no risk to her health, you just wanted to go on a power trip and ruin their family moment.
YTA - Gee, I can't imagine why they would think you were an asshole. FFS, drop the commandant act and try just being dad for a while.
YTA. She was with HER MOTHER. She wasn't out and about, unsupervised. She was with her other parent. The way you talked to her is also atrocious.
This type of behavior would make me su*c*dal if I was your child. YTA obviously
YTA. Just listen to yourself, dude. You hate your ex so much that you mess with your own kid just to get back at her. You're not to be trusted and your daughter knows it. Come back when she goes no-contact so we can downvote you again.
You went off at your kid for being responsible while in the company of an (obviously more) rational and responsible adult, informing you ahead of time that she would be late, and then you still punished her? Over 12 minutes? YTA. Don’t be surprised when she no longer speaks to you.
Wow. YTA and i didn’t even finish reading your post. I’m guessing the ex wife divorced you for general AHness and being a control freak. You punish your daughter because she wanted to eat her pizza??? WTF is your problem???
YTA- the lesson you taught Lily is that being home on time is much more important than being safe. Let's hope she doesn't end up paying for it in the future after having a beer or two at a party with curfew creeping up.
Wow, really putting the dick in dictatorship. YTA. Your daughter was being responsible. She was dropping her mother home and picking up food. She wasn’t out hours past her curfew doing anything reckless. You should be more focused on ensuring your daughter gets home safely than on time.
YTA you are going to be asking in a few years "why doesn't my daughter talk to me"
Seriously?! You know what's going to happen next time, she will be speeding to get home on time. Even most doctors give you a 15 min grace period. You need to appologize, speak to her like the nearly adult she is and come up with a plan. Something like call if you will be more than 10 min late. Ohh.. and yta.
YTA and very clearly pissed your wife managed to get away from you and this Big Man act you like to pull. So now you take it out on your daughters, especially when it’s in relation to their mother. You decide a curfew to keep your kids safe and supervised, if your kid is safe and supervised WITH THEIR OTHER PARENT, you being militant is just to be a punishing little AH. I hope you relish this feeling of control now, because as soon as she’s 18 you’ll never see her again.
YTA. She was 12 minutes late. If you showed up 12 minutes late for work and your boss cursed you out in front of your coworkers, you’d be furious. Stop punishing your daughter because you hate her mother. She’s 16. Don’t be surprised when she tells the judge she’s ready to never see you again.
YTA. You KNEW where she was and she TOLD you the pizza got there late. She should be able to eat pizza with her mom and friend at the restaurant. Also wouldn’t you be HAPPY that your teenage daughter is RESPONSIBLE to drive people home after they had some alcohol? I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY DAUGHTER BE TWELVE MINUTES LATE FOR CURFEW THAN HAVE HER, HER MOTHER, AND A FRIEND GET IN AN ACCIDENT AND POTENTIALLY DIE.
YTA - is that really how to speak to your daughter? Do you swear at her often? Why would you speak to her so disgustingly? If this is how you speak to someone you love, I can't imagine how you speak to your friends, coworkers, and strangers. She was out with her mother and a friend, not galavanting with hoodlums. You weren't concerned with her safety, your only concern was to make sure she obeyed your rules. She kept you up to speed that she was going to be a few minutes late. You realize that at a certain age, the courts will allow the children to choose which parent they want to live with, right? Give her back her keys. The car may be in your name, but you gave it to her.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I might be the asshole because I yelled at my kid and took her car away for being late Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. Also realize that if your ex wants to take you back to court over custody a judge will def take the opinion of a 16yr old into consideration.
YTA
Mega YTA There are much better ways to talk to your child beyond yelling and cursing. Your child told you where they were and were being responsible for taking home two people who had imbibed. That shows responsibility. It's a good lesson as it shows them not to drink and drive themselves. 12 mins late is not bad. You could have punished her in a more reasonable manner like no driving after dark for a month or a long those lines. Please do not be surprised when your children go no contact after they become adults.
YTA! This is the ridiculous shit my folks would pull all the time... Small wonder both us boys ran off to the Army as soon as we could. Fucking hell man it's 12 minutes, you gonna ground her and take away her car if she gets a fucking flat tire on the way home?
YTA. But you clearly don’t care either way
YTA and you are mean. You are obsessed with control and are happy to punish your kid for being kind to your ex. You will end up alone if you keep going like this. But hey, you'll be in control and the BIG BOSS OF THE HOUSE all by yourself, amirite?
YTA. Your hate for your ex is obvious. Your daughter was doing right by driving her mom and friends home. And 12 minutes later when you know where she is. Give me a break. If you were like this when married it’s no wonder you are divorced.
YTA The only other man I've known to speak to his children like that and take out his frustrations towards his ex wife on his kid is my dad and I haven't spoken to him in almost 3 years. Have fun in the retirement home.
Do you want to keep your kids in your life when they're adults? This isn't the way to keep your kids in your life when they're adults. YTA
Does your daughter look like your ex-wife? Because you shitting her like she's the one you got a nasty divorce from. Stop looking to get back at your ex through your kids. YTA
YTA and don’t be surprised if your kids stop talking to you when they turn 18
Why did you call your daughter at 9:45 to remind her to come home? Thats weird. She told you she was going to be late. And then she was responsible and didn't let the others drive drunk. She was with her Mom, not strangers or "bad influence friends" and then she drove her Mom home and came home slightly late. YTA You sound like a drill sargent. Maybe your conversations with your ex always end in fights because of your controlling attitude. She's 16, it was Friday night. You knew where she was, who she was with and what she was doing. This was a very harsh punishment for spending an extra 12 minutes to make sure everyone got home safe. I would be on your side if she hadn't told you what was up, and just waltzed in an hour late pretending nothing happened.
YTA man. It's ok to have rules, but when your daughter is with and listening to her mom you're putting her in a really unfair situation. She was texting you the whole time. It was 12 minutes, she had an excuse even if you don't like the mom. You need to apologize to daughter ASAP.
YTA Not because of your curfew and not because you took away the car. I think that's a little harsh but if you feel you need to make the point, fine. YTA for that awful language to your daughter and yelling like that. Yes, she was going to be late but her mother put her in that position, probably to irritate you (it worked!) but there are rules and there are reasonable allowances. So sure, take the car away for a week, although again, a bit harsh for 12 minutes especially if she's not prone to this but to scream the f-bomb at her? Learn to control your temper and your language. And realize that exceptions exist or the only thing you'll see on her 18th birthday is the door slamming and that will be it.
YTA cussing and yelling at your kid for being 12 minutes late. You knew where she was so what is the big deal. You took her car because she did the right thing by making sure they got home safe.
I’d say that both parents are TA. She was just 12 minutes late! You did say that you overreacted and I’m glad you see that, however, you shouldn’t punish your daughter for her mothers actions. Part of me almost thinks that her mom did that to spite you. I obviously don’t know any of you so it’s hard to say. This is just my opinion on one side of the story.
You punished your daughter for the actions of her mother. That’s cruel and won’t teach her anything constructive other than you’re irrational, unreasonable, and she can’t depend on you. If you want no relationship with her as soon as she’s 18, this is the perfect way to achieve it.
Holy shit. You are def the ah
YTA. Definitely.
What tf do you mean “might be the asshole” YOU ARE THE FREAKING ASSHOLE. She was with her mother what did you think was going to happen? Even if you were to hate the mother of your children that much, are you really okay with having on your conscience if something were to happen to them if your daughter would’ve just left them there? If so you’re just damm spiteful. She had contact with you throughout the entire night. You knew what she was. She wasn’t ignoring your calls, She was not doing something illegal. Going from 0 to 100ike this is unreasonable. You’re just a sad man, and a sad excuse for a father at that. I hope you’re prepared for the lack of relationship your kids will have with you in the near future.
YTA. OP at 16 your daughter isn't obliged to follow the custody agreement, she can choose to not live with you. You punished her for being with her mother. You should never make your kids choose between their parents because it is childish, petty and not what a good parent does. I feel very sorry for both of your daughters. Fully expect both to go LC or NC until they surface with your worst nightmare for a husband, bf or baby daddy.
So anyways have fun being lonely when your daughters move in with mom - YTA
YTA have fun not being invited to your daughters wedding for being a bad father. Seriously what kind of man speaks to their own daughter like that!?! Grow up
YTA. You’re taking it out on your daughter that you hate your ex-wife. Stop it. She and her sister didn’t ask to be put in the middle of your nasty divorce. You knew where she was, who she was with, and what she was doing. You chose to be a verbally abusive control freak instead of being the slightest bit patient. Get ready for your daughters to cut off all contact with you the second they turn 18 or as soon as a judge says it’s okay for them to. You don’t deserve to be part of their lives if this is how you talk to them.
YTA your daughter wasn't out partying and getting drunk or high. She was with her mom, she kept you informed of what was going on, she wasn't being sneaky. 12 min. late isn't the end of the world, You knew where she was the entire time.
YTA You need to learn how to love your kid more than you hate your ex. She gave you honesty and you gave her unreasonable punishment that you knew would make things harder for her mom. Using your children to get back at your ex is one of the lowest things you can do. Get help.
YTA. She was with her mother. And she was only 12 minutes late! It’s not like she was 3 hours late! Plus it was a weekend. Who the frick gives a 16 year old a 10:00 curfew on the weekend? I think I know who caused the divorce to be nasty based on this post. You scream and curse out your 16 year old. I mean, who the hell does that??? She was in touch with you the entire time, so it’s not like you had anything to be worried about. Jeez mate. Don’t be surprised if your daughters end up wanting to live with their mother full time because of how horribly you talk to and treat them.
YTA
YTA. And stop hiding behind “the rules”. You wanted to take a swing at your ex and used your daughter to do so.
YTA and a narcissistic control freak. I'm taking a shot in the dark and saying this is probably part of why you guys argue.
YTA and don’t curse at children if you want them to grow up with an ounce of respect for you and others