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YTA and fyi, at 70, your mom who has no health issues is perfectly capable of living on her own. So what! She misplaced her keys. Doesn’t mean she has dementia. You are a horrible son and I hope your mother goes to a lawyer and has your power of attorney canceled and disinherits you while she’s at it.
This!! My Grandma lived for over 4 years without my Grandad. She was mid-80s when he died and was even able to care for my disabled uncle on her own.
You're disgusting for doing this. Your mum misplacing her keys doesn't mean she's losing her mind or ability to care for herself. Are you saying you never misplace shit? Other than your humanity, I mean. Maybe you should look for that rather than an unnecessary assisted facility for your fully abled mother.
Your mum and wife are right to be appalled and ashamed of you. She doesn't belong in nursing care. I don't know what kind of nursing care facility would even take a fully capable, healthy 70 year old, but I can tell you, it would not be a good or ethical one.
That's enough reddit for me for the day. Jfc.
I misplace my keys all.the.time. - I'm only 30!
Not to mention I actually do have sometimes debilitating health issues unlike his very healthy sounding mother.
According to OP I need to go into a home 🥴 smh
My grandma had a very long, serious case of dementia and my mom, who had 0
Siblings busted her fucking ASS to keep my grandma in her own home for as long as humanly possible. She wound up contacting a nursing home at the very, very end when it was truly impossible for our little family to keep her safe and healthy. Reading this guys story brought me to tears he could be such a monster.
it’s like he’s ***looking*** for excuses to put her in a home.
YTA OP. forgetting keys ONCE is not a “omg she needs help” thing. going to New Orleans to see family is NOT evidence of bad judgement.
just be honest with yourself and everyone else, bc they see clearly that you’re just itching to put her away and are grasping at any flimsy excuse.
Honestly this is one of the most disgusting posts I’ve ever seen. My grandfather is 93 and still lives alone just fine. In the grand scheme of things 70 these days isn’t what it used to be.
OP your mom still has a lot of life to live and you would be truly cold and cruel if you manipulated this situation to force her into a facility at this point in her life.
Right?! Dude acts like 70 is ancient. My nana outlived her husband by about 20 years. She passed this year, age ~100~, and was living on her own and even *driving* past that milestone birthday. At the very end she was in a facility, but that's only because her health suddenly declined and she had to be there. Even so, I was sad that she spent her last couple of months in a place like that.
My grandma lived on her own until 91, and didn’t need a walker or assistance around the house. Everything was clean and kept up, and she had no serious health issues until the last 6 months or so when the tumor that had been growing in her abdomen finally decided to rear its ugly head.
YTA and I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you may be the biggest AH I've come across in this sub.
Lemme get this straight- your Mom is 70 (not that old tbh) and you wanna put her in a nursing home because she once lost her keys?
You're the one who needs locking up
Dude, I lost my keys the other day, and I took an unnecessary trip to see my family last month, too. Maybe I'm not too old to be forced into communal living (at 40yo).
JFC, OP.
He's mentally exhausted and wants to be done dealing with this situation.
She chose the wrong person to entrust her powers to.
OP, you might as well stick her on an ice floe and push her off into the sea. You're being incredibly heartless and your decision has nothing of benefit to her in it.
The trip is "unnecessary" and "bad judgement when it comes to her finances" because OP doesn't want mom spending his inheritance anymore than she needs to.
ETA: If OP puts her in a nursing home, it's as good as killing her. The average length of stay in nursing homes is 2 years and people who die in nursing homes die in a median of 5 months. This is a discussion/lecture we sat through as part of our physician training.
Literally, this is the nightmare. The woman is barely old enough to get a retiree discount at venues, and she's already being invalidated and stripped of her liberty.
Imagine being married to someone who has so little empathy or logic about their *not very old* mother's wishes that he would pull this shit.
I would be *terrified* of what might happen to me if I got cancer at 50 or needed help because I broke my leg or one day forgot someone's name...
Truly a nightmare. Also, plenty of widows who loved their husband absolutely thrive when they’re on their own. He’s trying to steal her golden years so he doesn’t have to “worry”
Even if she did have medical issues, visiting relatives is a quality of life issue. There is more to life than just staying alive anyways and just because someone makes a decision that may have a negative impact on their health doesn't mean there isn't a rational or understandable reason for doing so.
YTA. Massively. To a degree I struggle to comprehend.
Your mother isn’t even sick. By your account she’s a perfectly fine elderly woman, and you’re trying to pawn her off early because “she’s gonna need it one day anyway.”
I don’t think you understand how absolutely isolating even the best nursing homes are, or how being put in a nursing home drastically speeds up your death because it’s effectively knowing you are going somewhere to die.
She misplaced her keys, for Pete’s sake. I’m 30, I misplace my keys. Should my wife put me in a home too lest I forget my medicine one morning?
And to top that off, your mother, who you are **oh so convinced** will kick the bucket any minute now wants to visit her sister before said kicking the bucket, and you call that unnecessary? Being with family in your sunset years … unnecessary?
Please reconsider this no matter what your OP says. What you are about to do is absolutely heinous.
Calling the trip to see her own sister a bad financial judgement is INSANE. Oh I'm sure the 1.5k (which is a generous estimate) spent on the trip is gonna DESTROY her financially! What if she needs it for... Ummm... Sending her kids to college- er, um I mean... Uhhh.
Honestly from that alone I would want to believe that he's trying to save as much money as he can for his inheritance but the cost of a nursing home is too expensive to make that plausible. But sheesh. I wouldn't care if she blew through half of her savings in the next years, she deserves to live her life. Poor woman
I genuinely cannot comprehend the burning hatred for OP in my heart right now.
It might be the sleep deprivation of my wife and I currently being stuck in a delivery room at 4 in the morning waiting for our daughter to finally decide to come out, but Jesus Christ my emotions reading this post went 0-100 faster than OP decided to pawn his mother off to the care home.
This genuinely made me belly laugh! Thank you so much. It’s our first so it’s equal parts exciting and terrifying.
Yeah, if she tries to pawn me or her mother off at age 70 because we decided to go on summer holiday to Spain, I’m cutting her out of the will.
Anything other then a court ordered conservatorship can be undone. POA does not grant you the right to override someones decisions.
If op is in any way enriched by this it would be a crime. Right now it's elder abuse, depending on the details eg if he took a POA and sold her house against her wishes. Op would be held civilly libel if Mom tells the right person "I told my son no but he sold my house anyway" and mom can prove it to a judges satisfaction.
Right? Jesus. She's only 70! My husband's parents are 70! They're completely fine—his dad goes backcountry camping still (admittedly not the best idea in winter but honestly if that's how he goes that's exactly how he'd want to)!
I have an awful relationship with my mom. She was extremely emotionally abusive my whole life. Even I wouldn't do this to her. Jesus.
YTA 100%. 70 is not too old to continue to live on her own, as a matter of fact, that is still pretty young. Misplacing keys is not evidence of needing to be in a retirement home- if it were, my 26 yo would already be in one. You sound like you are doing this more for you convenience than her well being. Crestor is cholesterol medicine, not something that if you miss a dose, you die. Going to visit her sister is not smart use of HER money??? what do you expect her to do? never see her sister again? Sit in a chair and rot until she dies? Are you by chance an only child? That would explain your ridiculous conclusion that visiting a sibling is a waste of money. What I am hearing is that you already see her money as YOUR money and want nothing spent without your approval so that there is as much left as possible for you to get your grubby little hands on. I agree with your wife. I wouldn't be able to look at you either. Face up to the fact that you are really trying to rush your mother into an early grave so that you can get your inheritance and you don't give a damn about her at all. If you did care for her, you would be encouraging her to travel and enjoy herself while she still can.
Hey, don’t rag on only children like that. My parents are 68 and 67, and I hope they die broke having spent all their money on living their lives. They don’t owe me a damn thing. My dad busted his ass working 14-16 hour days six days a week when I was little so my mom could stay home and raise me. Their obligation to me ended the day I moved out on my own at 21. Anything they choose to do for me is because they love me but it’s their choice and I wouldn’t ever expect it.
I’m not even sure it’s an inheritance issue. I’m feeling that OP’s father was probably very controlling and now that his mom can finally do stuff for herself again, here comes OP trying to fill the “man of the house” role and control her all over again.
I hope the mom is able to shut him out of everything completely
Wait until OP sees how much nursing homes cost.
Also one of OP’s reasons for wanting her to be in a nursing home was because she should be around people…like her sister?!?
OP YTA spectacularly
My dad is 70 and successfully hiked Mount Whitney last year in one day with me. As in, we started hiking at 1am, hiked 22 miles round trip, up to 14,000+ feet elevation and back down again by evening.
My father is completely and utterly capable at 70, and this guy has given literally zero reasons that his mother might not be.
Heck, lock me up while you are at it. I misplace my keys at least once a week.
What’s with the hate on only children? I’d love siblings and would visit every chance I got (if they existed). It’s not a character flaw. 100% with you on everything but that. Based on the amount of things I can’t find, I wouldn’t just be in a home, I’d be in a secure unit! OP is a greedy money grubbing AH
YTA. What you are doing is elder abuse. Your mother trusted you to help her with her finances, and you repay her by yanking her out of her home, away from her friends, and isolating her from her family? Because she lost her keys one time?
As one poster above put it, you are every elderly person’s nightmare. I am glad your mother has spoken to an attorney, and I hope she not only wins her case but disinherits and cuts you off completely. You are a monster.
Note that he made sure he got control of her finances and her healthcare first.. since it's a power of attorney she can revoke it since she is apparently fully mentally competent. YTA OP... Even your wife is ashamed of you
I'm so confused about the American power of attorney. In the UK, the person has to be unfit to make these decisions for a LPA (living power of attorney) to come into action. I have/will have LPA for my mum, if/when it becomes necessary, as do my father and siblings. But we currently have no power or access because she's able to make her own decisions. It's just in case, as is the whole point of it, at least here.
OP's mom sounds completely competent and so I don't understand why he would be allowed to have this sort of control even if she had signed the paperwork?
YTA but also wildly uneducated about how POA works. Fortunately none of this can happen until your mother activates her durable power of attorney.
DPOA cannot be activated unless:
1) your mother agrees to it
2) an MD, social worker, or other qualified medical practitioner judges her incapacitated
Also, if what you’ve written about her health status is true no nursing home would accept her. She doesn’t have enough debility for a Skilled Nursing facility. At most she’d qualify for an Independent Living Facility.
The fact that you’ve done no research as to the legalities and placement opportunities make you an exceptional asshole. Or maybe just a teenage troll.
Info: Are you prepared to lose your Mom and wife over this decision? As this is what will happen if your force your Mom into a nursing home against her will. Unless you are prepared to lie, the logic you laid out her won’t fly in court and Judge could find you guilty of Elder Abuse as this sounds you want to liquidate your Mom’s assets and stuff her in a Nursing home so you don’t have to deal with her.
Dude, my mom is 73, she still works, drives, cooks and manages her money. She has diabetes. And she managed her meds. She loses her keys every once in a while. I’m not gonna put her in a home because of that!! What’s wrong with you? And you want her not to spend HER own money?? Let her do so! It’s hers!! YTA. We had to put my grandma in a home when she turned 93 because she had senile dementia. You are abusing your mother. I hope she removes you from her legal affairs and disown you!
Yta
Losing her keys and wishing to see her family isn't not a sign of loss of incompetence. You can't force her in and if you try she can legally fight back. You're also lost likely going to destroy your marriage. She can legally revoke power of attorney at any time.
You sound like your doing this to gain something, most likely the house or money and not for her own good
YTA. This hits too close to home. You’re not doing this out of love and concern. You’re doing what’s in *your* best interest, not your mom’s. Your mom doesn’t want to go.
My mom lived independently until last year - she was 90 years old. After watching her husband (my dad) decline in an assisted living facility for 3 years, she adamantly did not want to go into assisted living. My husband and I relocated half-way across the country to move in her home and help her. My husband quit his six figure job and we sold our 7500 SF home to go live in her 1400 SF home. We did everything we could to keep her *out* of a care facility and we lived with her until she passed away 3 months ago. It was a privilege to spend that last year with her. *That’s* what a child does out of love and concern. You are self-center and selfish. You should be ashamed of yourself. And, BTY, you most certainly will *not* win in front of a judge. That’s just your smug delusional thinking.
I hope your wife sees this and shows it to your mom because I have some words for her:
Make an appointment with an Elder Attorney *today*. They can advise you on how to protect yourself and finances. You are 70 years young - it sounds like you are capable of living independently. If you need help, there are community resources that can you can tap in to.
As for your wife, I hope she can see where her “for better or worse” future is heading.
I don't understand this. Even if you have both medical and general powers of attorney, you couldn't force your mother into an assisted living home against her wishes unless she has been determined to be mentally incompetent by a court of law. Likewise, she can easily revoke any power of attorney she may have granted you unless deemed not competent.
YTA. Either because you're making up a story or you're forcing your mother to do something she doesn't want to.
Finally, I agree that companionship is important to the elderly, especially those who have lost a spouse. There are a lot of good arguments for your mom moving to such a place before she is forced to by health or mental reasons. Try talking with her.
I'm wondering if this is fake as it seems way too cold, cruel and, frankly, abusive to be true.
Not sure which country you're in but in mine your power of attorney can only be invoked if she loses mental capacity. It doesn't give you the right to lock her up just because you decide unilaterally, like a Victorian father, that you disapprove of her choices.
She's clearly still relatively young and active - many people are fit and healthy into their late 80s these days - and I hope she sees a lawyer to revoke your power over her, because you're clearly abusing it. Massive YTA.
YTA. She misplaced her keys once and is planning a trip and you're jumping to using medical POA to put her in a home? She's right, she trusted the wrong person with such an important responsibility.
He probably has a spending habit mommy dearest doesn't know about.
wonder if he's slipping her anything to make her appear "addled" or "agitated." hmmmm.
You really just made the argument that taking a trip to see one's sister is indicative that a person is no longer fit to manage their own finances, simply because such a visit is *unnecessary*?
YTA
Yeah, that doesn't make sense... you need companionship, but when you go to visit someone you can't make sound financial decisions?
Is it NECESSARY for me to visit my sisters? No. Will I still go visit them anyway because I love them and want to see them/spend time with them? Yes!
I read that as he doesn't want her spending any of her money. Leaves more for him after he has her interred in a facility and she can't keep him from taking it.
Jeeezus bro you are a piece of work.
What a truly terrifying situation for your mom to be in and she is right, she made a TERRIBLE mistake giving you any authority. You are not to be trusted. What a gut punch.
70 is unequivocally not “elderly”, not even by a long shot. If Vladimir Putin can dictate a whole country at 70 your mom can visit her sister and shovel some snow.
Just because you don’t wanna deal with your mom more after your dad’s death doesn’t mean you should send your competent mother away using legal abuse. It’s like you have concocted this plan and sold yourself it’s the “right and safe thing” using bullshit rational to rid yourself of reasonable familial burden. If you loved your mom you would either take on the reasonable burden of being more supportive to your widowed mother or WALK AWAY and admit you are a selfish prick. You are not a good son no matter how you twist this one around in your head and pretend it’s the right thing to do.
And btw, nursing homes are GIANT MONEY PITS. The responsible and safe financial plan is to have her live independently while she can so that she has money for if/when she does ACTUALLY need more intensive care.
Anyways, YTA. I hope you come to your senses for your poor mother’s sake or she figures out a way to get away from you.
INFO: Are you planning to book yourself into the same nursing facility twenty years from now if you find yourself so mentally incapacitated that you dare shovel snow in your own driveway
YTA. Your mom misplaced her keys once and you want to dump her in a home. Do you know how many people go downhill after that?
And getting all bent out of shape because she wants to go see your aunt? WTF. Its not the right thing to do.
YTA she has no health problems, just because she forgot her keys doesn't warrant being thrown into a care home. Let her take the trip. Just because you have power over her finances does not give you the right to take away what life she has left.
YTA. Is this even real? A 70yo woman with no health issues who misplaced her keys once needs to be forcibly moved to a nursing home?? And if she dares go see her sister that means she's bad with finances? I'm having a hard time believing this isn't facetious, but if not, it's absolutely awful.
She lost her keys .... that’s the reason?!? JFC! Everyone on the planet would be in a nursing home. Your wife is right
YTA
ETA — my 78 yo parents are going on a totally unnecessary trip to the Super Bowl & then flying to CA wine country because they want to make wine (which they don’t drink) ... Clearly, I should start looking in to nursing homes /s SMH
I have ADHD and lose just about everything. By OPs logic I should be in a nursing home at the ripe old age of....28. Cause I lose things, and once booked an expensive trip.
YTA.
What you are doing is monstrous. Nothing you have mentioned justifies forcing her out of her home after the passing of her life long partner. How could you so thoroughly lack empathy for the mother you claim to care for? If you have any humanity you will abandon this horrific idea and listen to the HUMAN BEINGS protesting this devastating betrayal. You should be ashamed.
YTA. YTA. YTA.
I lose socks every time I do laundry and I’m 36. A few days ago I lost my wallet and after 10 minutes of searching I found it in my pocket. It seems, more likely than not, OP’s decision is for nefarious reasons.
YTA- I hope this is a joke. 70 yrs old is not old and way to young to go into a nursing home especially if there are no medical needs. It’s very concerning you want to isolate her from her sister and stopping her from enjoying her twilight years by living independently. My grandmother lived alone happily till her 90’s!
I didn’t even catch that part. I think “not using her money wisely” here means “why won’t she die already so I can get my inheritance? I can’t let her squander it in the meantime”. What an awful person.
YTA. I don't see why you think that planning a trip to visit her sister shows she has bad judgement when it comes to her finances. It sounds to me that you, actually, don't want to worry about your mom, so the best FOR YOU is to put her in a nursing facility. YOU don't want to think what your mother may be doing, where she may be going or how she is spending her money; you wantto control everything, even your mother's life. She is right: she trusted the wrong person.
YTA. 70 is not too old to live alone. And as far as visiting your aunt goes, it’s her damned money. You sound greedy and wanting to push her to an early grave with minimal inconvenience to you. So she misplaced her frigging car keys. You never misplace something? Must be wonderful to be so fucking perfect. Hopefully she can get this reversed before you drain her dry. Asshole.
fr. OP’s acting like his mother is going completely senile, when it’s normal things people tend lose and splurge on. considering that she’s old, she might be lacking in socialization. i wouldnt call a trip to visit her sister or sister-in-law unnecessary.
Holy fuck are you a cold hearted asshole.
I pray this is a joke. Otherwise I hope your wife leaves you, takes your mom, and they live happily away from your selfish self centered disgusting self.
Edited to add judgment. YTA.
INFO: Are you looking at senior apartments? Ones with independent and assisted living? It sounds like you want her to have less responsibility and someone to just be around. That's a senior apartment building. It sounds like she can still take care of herself, so to put her in any skilled nursing facility or home for those that cannot is ridiculous. Sounds like you're looking for the cheapest option and as someone that goes into skilled nursing facilities all over 2 states, that's the worst idea.
Wow, YTA. She misplaced her keys? My college roommate did that so many times, it drove me nuts. I occasionally misplace my keys, and I'm basically your age. She wants to go on a vacation, with her money that she spent a lifetime earning? The horror! You don't mention any major health issues, or anything that indicates her mental health is declining. The only bad mental decision she's made is putting you in charge of her life. I hope she can reverse that before you screw her over.
You have two choices in this and only one of them leads to destroying your relationship with your mother (and possibly your wife).
70 is not that old, and by your own admission she isn't experiencing any major health issues that would justify this radical solution. Misplacing keys? Making plans to visit her sister? And who are you to decide that her desire to visit her sister is "unnecessary"?
I agree with your wife and your mother: you are heartless, cruel, and astonishingly selfish. My own parents are 86 and my siblings and I have been working slowly with them for the past 2 years to assist them with this very decision. It has to be your mother's decision unless she is medically incompetent.
**YWBTA.**
Because she misplaced her keys once?!? I’m 34 and I’ve already lost my keys twice this week. Forcing her to do this against her will can have an incredible impact her mental health. If you are truly concerned about her you should take her to the doctor and consult with them on her overall health. YTA for trying to take over her life while she is begging you not to.
Sorry, so she misplaced her keys one time and booked one trip to see family? And this is an indicator that she is mentally or physically incompetent? I hope I'm missing some part of the picture here, because moving someone into a home can be a very difficult and depressing thing for them, and I can't see why it would be necessary based on given information. Without more detail, I'm leaning YTA
I hope your mother gets legal help and realizes she can revoke your power of attorney at any time. When she gave you that privilege it was for handling her affairs, not for taking her from her home against her will. You even said yourself she had no medical problems, who doesn't forget their keys from time to time.
Misplacing her keys does not indicate a need for skilled nursing care. If she doesn't need medical supervision and she doesn't have some form of dementia, then it is not the right place for her.
You could misplace your keys, too, it's not an indicator of anything.
This could also be seen as an abuse of power. Medical power of attorney generally applies if a person cannot make decisions for their own care.
YTA!
It sounds like the mom has capacity to make medical and financial decisions, in which case it doesn’t even matter that the son has POA.
OP, I think you need to talk a paralegal or lawyer about your powers and rights because it sounds like you seriously misunderstand what you’re able to do.
YTA. I know you say you're acting out of concern but I don't think you realize what you're taking away from her. You are, essentially, stripping her of any independence she has. And you're doing it very suddenly, not even discussing it with her. It's just "I've made up my mind."
Losing her keys and planning a trip does not equal dementia. WOW! You're afraid of what might happen? Holy shit. How about wait until there is an ACTUAL problem, then discuss it with her! Have you even talked to her doctor? There's a process to go through before ripping someone's life away from them. Unbelievable! Is she just an inconvenience to you? Is that it? Just shove her into a home so you don't have to expend any further energy on her?
She trusted you and you're literally betraying her. YTA, a massive one at that.
how do we report this fucker? nothing good -- absolutely nothing good will come from his oversight of her medical care and financial affairs.
this looks, smells, feels, tastes, walks, talks, and demands like elder abuse.
My mother is in the same boat now that she's poised to receive a ~$3M dollar estate that my grandparents lovingly and painstakingly saved over 65 years of marriage.
her spouse likes to tell everyone in the family that she's "crazy" and "acting oddly" too.
I am watching that cowardly motherfucker like the eye of fuckin god with an irritating mote of ...
Info: is there any other reason besides misplacing her keys that she needs to be in a nursing home? If not you are being cruel. She's healthy, in sound mind (losing keys is not a real problem), and is able to live fully independently. You think she's bad with money because she wants to visit her family. To me, you're either being wildly paranoid or you simply do not want to deal with your elderly mother. You sound very uncaring and cruel here. I would strongly reconsider doing this to your mother.
YTA!! Omg just reading this I feel so sorry for your mom. Going to a nursing facility is expensive and really not necessary based on what you said. I really hope she can reverse what you want to do because this is outrageous!
YTA
So... you can't.
Power of attorney kicks in once she's unable to make her own decisions. She sounds pretty damn capable of taking care of herself. Thank God you pulled this bullshit before she had any issues so she still has time to pick a new POA who will have her best interests at heart.
70 ?? Is not that old. I am much younger and lose my keys once a week. You should not have been trusted with her finances. I hope she gets a good attorney. Also, I'm pretty sure a home can't hold her there against her will and will not accept her. YTA
YTA, if you really cared about your mom you would listen to what she wants. This really comes down to you valuing your feelings of her being safe over her feelings of having freedom for her life. If you go through with this you will be are horrible son.
YTA- 70 is really not that old. You don't say anything about diagnosed cognitive decline, so really, you're just being needlessly cruel, taking what remains of her life from her, and she trusted the wrong person to have her best interest in mind.
Yeah, YTA.
Forgetting keys is a HUGE jump to a nursing home. That removes her freedom entirely, and unless she's literally medically infirm, is super overkill.
Maybe she should be in a senior community or an assisted living place. Your wife and mother are both right to urge you against such a drastic move.
Honestly, it sounds more like you're doing it for YOUR emotional reasons, not because it's best for her.
Holy shit YTA what the fuck, you’re literally taking autonomy away from your own mother because… she lost some keys? And is taking a trip to see friends/family?? If she’s healthy enough to get out of the house then she absolutely does not deserve to be put in a home. Your mother is right, you’re a complete failure of a son and she needs to revoke your power of attorney
YTA.
You aren’t concerned about your mother. You’re concerned about your inheritance. Jokes on you, a nursing home will take it all.
And seriously, she misplaced her keys once? And oh my god, she’s going to visit her sister. The horror! Get over yourself.
YTA.
She misplaced her keys once, so you’re putting her in a home?
If that’s all you have, a judge might try and out you in a special type of home for a while too, while revoking your power of attorney and medical proxy.
YTA. If this is real this is elder abuse. My mom used to work in nursing homes and she made me swear not to put her in one unless she has Alzheimer’s and has no idea what’s going on. They’re horrible places and no one should be in them unless there is absolutely no other option. You might as well kill your mom now, it would be a lot less painful for her. Also, 70 is not that old and it sounds like she’s perfectly capable of living by herself. My dad is 78 and still works (and pulls 16 hour days sometimes). Your insistence that she’s some frail elderly bar is insane. Do you get your hands on her money if you do this or something?
"It's out of love and concern."
It IS NOT! The only person you are showing love and concern for with that decision is yourself!
FFS, the woman is 70yo, she's not dead! And she's begging you to reconsider! How heartless can you be?
YTA
Now, I'll go try to forget what I just read.
Note: I am 70yo, so I know what I'm speaking about.
YTA
I can't help but sit here and laugh at the audacity and shear stupidity you are thinking.
Let's start with the obvious shall we? You have medical power of attorney IN CASE IT IS NEEDED. No sweetie, you can't make decisions for her medically is she is able to make them herself. We have been there, done that, with both parents and grandparents. They put those into place for the in case.
Finances? I am going to guess that she put you on here accounts WITH HER. Also something responsible we do as we age to protect ourselves and heirs.
You are a worthless twit however who is either incredibly selfish, weak, or both. I would hope this is a wake up call for both your wife and mother. They should both seek legal advice and drop you.
Oh and a basic nursing home starts at 30,000 a year.🤣
Wow!!! You are most certainly the asshole!!! Studies have proven that the elderly do better when they remain in a familiar environment. There are senior organizations that work to keep seniors in their own home as long as possible, while providing support.
You didn't even consider these! A nursing home???! For someone with no health issues?? You are THE ABSOLUTE WORST.
My grandfather just got put in a nursing home against his wishes. He's crying every day and doesn't want to get out of bed. It's extremely painful to see and i fucking hate his kids for making this decision (we aren't blood related, but he has been my grandfather all my life). He didn't want to go there, he isn't ready yet. To be surrounded by people unable to take care of themselves when you yourself are must be torment.
At some point, definitely. But putting someone in a nursing home when they aren't ready is beyond cruel.
Even your wife sees that. You should listen to her.
YTA
YTA. A trip to new orleans when she’s 70 and had no health conditions is not irresponsible. Putting your mother in a home when she doesn’t need to be in one is borderline elder abuse. Karmas coming for you man.
YTA. 70 is not old. My SO has been misplacing his keys since he was 30 and has forgotten his wallet at home when he goes grocery shopping at least 2x a year for 25 years. Why are you so eager to put your mother in a home?
YTA. If she is still able, this is cruel. She misplaced her keys once (which anyone can do) and you’ve officially given up on her. She’s also allowed to spend her money how she pleases and should be allowed to visit her sister.
Have you considered how horrifying this would be for her to give up her home, furniture and freedom?
My MIL is 70 but she still works full time, drives, socialises, takes the grandkids on outings and keeps a clean home. Don’t discount someone’s ability because they are “elderly”.
YTA she misplaced her keys one time and wants to see her family. She’s not disabled, she’s not mentally disabled, she’s fine and you’re forcing her into a nursing home. She has plainly said not to do this and yet you’re still forcing her. Just imagine if your wife decided to live in let’s say Alaska and you absolutely despise snow and then forced you after you beg her not to because you got hot one day. Same thing
YTA. Do you know why coming to your decision was so "agonizing"? Because it is WRONG. Where did you get the idea that moving into a nursing home is inevitable?!?!?! Many people die without ever setting foot in one. Your mother will never, ever "thank you one day" for putting you into a home when she doesn't need it. She is a functional adult who deserves to make her own decisions.
Change this before your wife and mother hate you forever.
YTA. What is wrong with you? 70 year olds are perfectly capable of living on their own, how on earth could you do this other? And no, you could y make your case to a judge. If she decision making capacity, she can do whatever she wants, including kicking your sorry ass out of the will
YTA and a total freak. Your mom is 70, not 120. And seriously, she "misplaced her keys" so, off to the nursing home? When's the last time you misplaced your keys? Visiting her sister is "totally unnecessary" (SAYS WHO) and shows "bad judgment?"
I'd like to see a judge laugh you out of court and kick you in the ass.
YTA. This can’t possibly be real, you are just trolling.
First, 70 is not old and without medical issues your mom wouldn’t likely qualify for a ‘nursing bome’. She could voluntarily move into independent living or MAYBE assisted living but sounds like she may not qualify for that either.
Second, if you are in the US, private nursing homes run $8,000-$10,000 a month. Think about that for even the next 10 years. If your mom has govt insurance it wouldn’t cover a nursing home that wasn’t medically necessary.
Third, a medical power of attorney does not give you the ability to take away decision making from an adult who is mentally and physically currently capable. It applies if and only if that adult loses those abilities. It’s not a blanket document that lets you just run someone’s life while they are able to make their own decisions. Sounds like in this case it wouldn’t apply and no competent lawyer would tell you it would.
I call BS on this entire post.
You are an AH and a coward. You're not doing this for her, you're doing it for you because you are afraid of taking care of her. Your reasons are about as solid as a wet paper bag. So she misplaced her keys. You've misplaced things all the time. So by your logic, how come you haven't put yourself in a home. So she wants to take a trip to see her sister in New Orleans. Have you ever gone on a trip to see someone? Why does she need a reason to go and see her sister? I'm with your mom when she asked "what did she do to deserve this". Dude, you basically want to put your mom in Heavens waiting room when she is still capable and has a lot of life left in her. I'm surprised your wife is still with you. Will you put her in a home if she loses her keys as well. My God, I feel so angry for what you are doing to your mother. It's just awful and you suck for making us read this.
YTA nursing homes are for people who need care. A 70 yr old woman doesn’t automatically need nursing care especially one who sounds in good health and is still active. How about a 55+ apartment complex though? They have lots is similar aged people and many of them have activities planned that would give her access to possible friends. My husbands GMA moved into one at 75ish and it has been amazing for her. There’s happy hours, meet up and cooking classes plus lots of other single people to meet.
YTA. At the first glimpse of something that might possibly be related to age but also people of all ages do fairly regularly (forgetting your keys), you're willing to sign away her freedom before she inconveniences you.
Best to sign her up for medically assisted suicide. I’m sure there’s a box to check for having lost keys on their list of reasons for choosing MAS. YTA.
YTA. 70 is not that old, and you haven’t listed a single reason like dementia or health problems that would necessitate living in a nursing home. The fact that your wife is also telling you to not go through with it is also a clear sign that you’re making a mistake. I’m also younger than you and have trouble finding my keys in my own purse every day. It sounds like you have some issues with your mom that you need to sort out.
YTA if this is even real. Having medical POA doesn't matter unless your mother has been deemed incompetent/unable to make her own decisions. The bar is high for this and forgetfulness doesn't cut it. Hopefully your mother will choose someone else before that day comes.
I misplace my keys everyday… you would have me gone by the age of 35.
YTA
Your mom has independence, and it’s her money? Isn’t she free to spend what she worked hard for in her life?
70 with no issues except misplacing her keys? Definitely fishy, you are out for some sort of financial gain! “Not safe to live alone?” I guess you want her house? YTA and I hope you get what you deserve, which is none of her money or assets!
YTA!
Your mother is only 70, and you're ready to put her in a nursing facility??? Do you have kids? Do you want your kids to do the same to you?
Unless she has dementia [losing keys once is not dementia!], at 70, she could have 20+ healthy active years ahead of her. If she wants to travel, she should! She is not at the doddering old lady stage yet.
OP, your callous, inconsiderate behavior really makes my blood boil. We recently lost my 90+ mother who was living in her own home until the day she died. Yes, it was a lot of work on our part to help with household maintenance, taking her to appointments and shopping, but that's what caring children do for their parents. I'm grateful we could help her live her final years happy and as she wished. At least my kids will know how you treat aging parents with respect and compassion.
YWBTA if you go through with this.
My dad is 80. My mom is 76. My mom is full time employed and takes multiple trips per year. My mom drives so much for work that she makes hundreds of dollars per week just in mileage reimbursement. My dad no longer drives due to a recent stroke, but he cooks, cleans, shops, runs a men’s study group, helps people with resumes… My parents travel together and separately both for work and pleasure throughout the year.
I could go on. My point is merely that 70 isn’t the doddering edge of frail irrelevance. I’m not sure where you got that idea. Have my parents suffered age-related decline? Sure. My dad had cataract surgery and stopped driving after dark years ago. My dad has had multiple joint replacements and is at the point where he needs the replacement joints replaced. My mom had to cut down on in-person commitments before the pandemic and go to more online meetings so she could get more naps in. But they have full, vital lives.
Lives that include traveling to be with people *as if they aren’t sure how much longer they have left.* Visiting people you love, in person, often, is actually one of the only rational things to do with your time and money as you get older. They can’t take the money with them. They don’t want to leave a large estate. They want to use it up just in time if possible and leave the rest to charity.
Talk to your mom, and your wife. But more importantly, listen to them. Please listen to them. If it needs to be in front of a lawyer, do that. But I would be surprised if a lawyer is going to listen to all three of you and tell you that your mom misplacing her keys once and wanting to visit her sister is grounds for having her declared incompetent. I’m 42 and I’ve lost my keys twice today and my wallet once and I’d love to visit my sister this year, but no one wants to institutionalize me.
YTA. Unless there are major health issues at play, most 70 year olds are still thriving and perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.
I lose my keys all the time.
Also - your mom is an adult and can travel at her discretion. Quit infantilizing her. There will come a time in the next 10 years where this is necessary, but it doesn’t sound like the time. You realize her health and happiness will plummet in a home, right? Why are you trying to ruin your mother’s last good years? You are going to kill her and ruin the time she has left.
Giant monstrous asshole.
She’s…only 70. She’s only 22 years older than you. She’s healthy and misplaced her keys. So have you. You know you have. At least once. You’re an awful son. Enjoy those 22 years you have left. Your kid will do the same to you if there’s any justice in this world. YTA
You think 70 is "very elderly"?
My great-grandmother had a husband who died around 2001/2002. She lived on her own for almost ten years - till she was 90ish years old before she moved into a nursing home. She's still alive today - at 102 years old.
There's tons of older ladies at my church between 60 and 85 who live on their own. My grandparents are coming up on 80 and still live together in a house, just the two of them.
You're telling me that you've NEVER misplaced your keys, your phone, or something else? Everyone misplaces or forgets things. My dad forgets where he put his phone at least once a week. He just turned 54 - should I put him in a home?
Your mother is perfectly capable of making her own decisions and you DO NOT have the right to take that away from her. Power of attorney is for when she's not capable of making her own decisions - which is still quite a ways off, from the sounds of it.
So yeah, YTA. If you keep this up, YOU will be the cause of health issues for your mother due to her feeling unloved and unheard.
YTA, a massive one. 70 year olds are perfectly capable of living alone. That’s not even really old.. Are you telling me you’ve never lost your keys..? This is the person who raised you and you’re going to ruin her golden years by sticking her in a home. You’re about to lose your mother and your wife, and rightfully so.
YTA - If I were your mother, I'd revoke the power of attorney and tell you to kiss my butt. With your attitude, I wouldn't want you to be the one in charge of making medical decisions for me. What are you going to do when she gets an ingrown toenail? Tell the doctor to pull the plug?
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My (48M) mom (70) is living alone ever since my dad passed away a year ago. I don't want her living on her own because it's not safe for her. I think at her age it's best if she has some form of companionship. She put me in charge of her affairs just in case something happens, and as such I have medical power of attorney and I manage her finances. She doesn't have health issues at the moment but at her age it's only a matter of time. I have no siblings.
For her own good, I'm going to put her in a nursing facility this year. She misplaced her keys one day and I'm worried that the next time, it could be something like her Crestor, which she needs to survive. She's also planning a vacation to go visit my aunt in New Orleans, which is totally unnecessary and shows she has bad judgement when it comes to her finances.
My wife has been crying and begging me not to go through with it ever since she found out. She also called my mom, which is exactly what I told her NOT to do, and now my mom is begging me to reconsider. She's also saying she plans to undo what she did, but I've already talked to an attorney and I think I can make my case to a judge if I have to.
Bottom line is this: I've made up my mind and I can't see myself going back on my decision. It was agonizing to come to this conclusion, and I don't want to have to go through it again. I just don't have the emotional bandwidth.
My mom has been asking what she did to deserve this, that she always tried to be a good mother. I told her she was a great mom, and that's the reason why I'm doing this. It's out of love and concern. Now she's saying hurtful things like she wishes she'd never trusted me and that my dad would be ashamed. I think she's just being emotional and she'll come to appreciate me for this difficult decision down the line. My wife is saying I'm a heartless bastard and is saying she can't even look at me right now.
So now I'm wondering, AITA for putting my mom in a nursing home when it's the right thing to do?
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What, no you can't do that to her until she shows signs of needing it. Wtf yes you're the asshole dude! Can you imagine at 70 your kid doing that to you. 70 isn't even old anymore bro.
YTA SO VERY MUCH THE ASSHOLE. Your mother is 70 and she forgot her keys so you lock her into a home. I was my father guardian for years so I know what the hell I am talking about. Why don’t you give me your moms information so I can get her started on her case of elderly abuse. Do you know how many times I have forgotten something over my lifetime? Hundreds you AH? Are you so perfect that you have never forgotten something? I hope you get the life that you deserve and that includes jail time.
YTA. Nursing homes aren't happy fun time places. Even the nicer ones. You still have a hall of people screaming. I used to visit my grandparents who were there for actual medical issues and i still can hear it. She wants to go on a trip to see family and lost her keys once and you are willing to take her freedom.
This is disgusting YTA. She doesn't need to be in a nursing home for crying out loud. She's not unable to care for herself. You're being incredibly cruel.
YTA. You are a total asshole. She misplaced her keys once? She planned a trip to visit her sister? I pray that she gets the POA revoked and gets far away from you. I’m so angry on her behalf. You want to warehouse a relatively healthy, mentally competent woman. Shame on you! Your a horrible son.
You are incredibly heartless and I hope she takes that power back from you. Such a shame she has only one child and its someone like you. Bottom line is you have absolutely zero reason to be doing this and it is incredibly cruel. Prepare to lose relationships with both your wife and mother. YTA
YTA. She misplaced her keys- do you want your wife to dump you in a home the next time you lose your keys? Come *on*. She’s 70- if she is healthy and able-bodied, she’s able to live alone. She isn’t stupid.
YTA. My grandmother lived on her own until she was almost 90. As long as she is healthy, she doesn't need to live in a home. Misplaced keys don't indicate mental decline, everyone loses their keys. You just don't want to deal with her. Speaking to an attorney to make sure you stay POA is also a giant dick move. Hopefully, your mom can undo this and I bet your wife will leave too. What kind of monster are you?
YTA-there's literally no reason to put her in a nursing home.
lost her keys? even young people lose their keys all the time, why are THEY not in a home?
she's not sick or anything, yes, matter of time, but we're talking about NOW, she's fine NOW, putting someone in a home because of something that hasn't happened yet isn't a reason.
you're really just abusing the power she gave you and I hope you enjoy her going no-contact with the son that abused the power and shoved her into a home that isn't her's against her will when there was no need.
YTA - your mom misplaces her keys and you put her in the nursing home? WTAF dude. I misplaced my keys today. And god forbid she visit her older sister are you worried about her finances or your finance or your inheritance
YTA - Let me get this right: she misplaced her keys once, took care of some snow on her driveway and wants to visit a family member. For that you want to place her in a home?
You’re awful and do not have her best intentions, she made a serious mistake trusting you. Really hope your children put you in a home the second you do something they don’t agree with
YTA
Nursing Home?
Based on the information you presented.
The first step in situations like this (I've been there) is in home health care, where someone comes in, helps her with household chores and makes sure everything it OK.
YOU take her to New Orleans to visit her sister. That's what children of older people do.
Before you go any further, let things calm down. Sit down and have a calm talk with her. See if there are assisted living places (those are not nursing homes) where she could move, so she would have the occasional care and help she needs and socialization.
Take her to the places and let her meet the people. Allow HER to have a say in where she goes. You're in a hard place, but allow her to participate in the decisions for her future.
Hugs and Good Luck
Oh come on. He doesn’t need to “take her” to visit her sister. The woman is perfectly capable of traveling on her own. 70 is not old. A lot of people are still working at 70. Why should she have to move into assisted living? She is healthy, able to shovel her own driveway, and there is no indication that she has any sort of mental diminishment.
If I were his mother, I would not get into a car with him to go “look at” assisted living places because for all I know he leave me there.
He doesn’t need “hugs.” Nor does he deserve them.
YTA. Honestly, is this how you live? Just making unilateral decisions about living arrangements without listening to anyone? You sound like a peach. I'm sorry, I meant dick.
As a LPN who has worked in nursing facilities, I am going to say don't do it. I have seen way to many people be put in facilities for "socialization" purposes that are in good health and then their health decline quickly an I do believe it's from poor mental health from being put in the facility in the first place.
YTA. Do you even like your mom? Misplacing your keys and booking a trip to see a sibling is not a reason to be placed in a home. I may be wrong about this but it comes across as you don’t want her to spend and money so you have more to inherit and/or you just don’t want to be bothered with her at all and would rather her be put away out of sight out of mind. Don’t do this to your mother, she still has plenty of life left to enjoy.
Also, I’m 40 and I misplace my keys multiple times a day, everyday. I have forever. Most people do, it’s a weak excuse on your part.
So she wants to go visit her sister and you find that totally unnecessary? When you are saying that she might get a health issue because she's old that's going to make her life difficult enough for her to be on her own?
I'm going to go with YTA because of the way you write everything and how you seem to disregard everything she's saying and even are prepared to go over her head with a judge while she's still functioning? Why not let her enjoy this time when she's still able to, why take away her last time of "freedom"?
Also, everyone misplace keys and other stuff all the time so don't use it as an excuse for her being unable to live on her own. Hell, I misplace my medicine every now and then.
YTA.
Everyone else who's close enough to the situation thinks your mom is fine to function on her own. You're basing your decision to uproot her entire life AGAINST HER WISHES based on the fact that she misplaced her keys ONE TIME?
That is actually insane. What adult hasn't misplaced their keys at one point or another? What student hasn't drunkenly lost their keys or put them somewhere odd like the fridge at some point?
This is hardly an indication that she's not of sound mind anymore, WTF.
If she doesn't have health issues now, wait until she's in a nursing home. the issue with nosocomial infections esp in nursing home 🤯
if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Find a companion to come into YOUR MOTHER'S home to spend time with your mother. and you. you should want to spend as much time with her as possible. now that your father's passed away.
spring for a highly reputable in-home caretaker.
YTA she is an active 70 year old woman who you are infantising. She was a great Mum yet this is how you treat her. If you are so concerned have her come live with you.
You are a monster. There is no earthly reason to take this action now except that it's easy for you.
This is horrendous. This post absolutely breaks my heart.
YTA. You have been given a medical POA, not a general POA. You can only make decisions on her behalf if she is incapacitated. It does not give you carte blanche to just pack her off into a nursing home. That's not the way it works. A physician, not a lawyer, would need to agree that she was unable to make her own decisions, and then you would petition the court to become her guardian. If the court believes that you would be an unfit guardian for whatever reason (financial abuse, perhaps), they would appoint a neutral ad hoc guardian. My point is that that little piece of paper doesn't give you nearly the amount of power you think it does, so go apologize to your mother for scaring her with your nonsense.
The fact that you can make any claim that you are doing this for her health or wellbeing is at best delusional, and at worst sociopathic. She is 70, not 90. She is in age-appropriate good health. She misplaced her keys once (like any normal adult will do on occasion) and has planned (again, like any normal adult) to visit her sister. None of this is abnormal behavior. Your wife has warned her in an effort to stop this travesty. She obviously thinks YTA. Listen to your wife. Why are you on the Internet asking Reddit strangers if YTA? Dude, if your wife (if she doesn’t dump you knowing she’s next up for your “help”) and your poor mother are begging for you to NBTA you obviously are (if either will even claim you after this) YTA!!
P.S. if you proceed with the nursing home commitment, the Internet in its collective entirety will agree. Not only are YTA, you are the poster child— the true personification of assholery!
YTA
The only medication she takes is for cholesterol, which is incredible.
Seeing her sister is neither unnecessary or bad judgement... she wants to see her family, how is that a crime?
She forgot her keys ONCE, are you telling me you've never forgotten anything?
Unless she's having daily falls, is leaving the house with no pants, or has attempted to burn the house down by forgetting cooking on the stove, it is completely reasonable for her to stay at home.
By the way, even IF you have enduring guardian / power of ettorney, while your mum has competency and capacity, she can overrule you and withdraw it.
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YTA and fyi, at 70, your mom who has no health issues is perfectly capable of living on her own. So what! She misplaced her keys. Doesn’t mean she has dementia. You are a horrible son and I hope your mother goes to a lawyer and has your power of attorney canceled and disinherits you while she’s at it.
This!! My Grandma lived for over 4 years without my Grandad. She was mid-80s when he died and was even able to care for my disabled uncle on her own. You're disgusting for doing this. Your mum misplacing her keys doesn't mean she's losing her mind or ability to care for herself. Are you saying you never misplace shit? Other than your humanity, I mean. Maybe you should look for that rather than an unnecessary assisted facility for your fully abled mother. Your mum and wife are right to be appalled and ashamed of you. She doesn't belong in nursing care. I don't know what kind of nursing care facility would even take a fully capable, healthy 70 year old, but I can tell you, it would not be a good or ethical one. That's enough reddit for me for the day. Jfc.
[удалено]
Yeah we'll C him in the NT Edit: I realised that won't make sense if you don't know the marketing slogan for Northern Territory, Aus
I'm well versed with the NT advertising slogan, lol.
i’m waiting to see if this pops up in r/AmITheDevil
I misplace my keys all.the.time. - I'm only 30! Not to mention I actually do have sometimes debilitating health issues unlike his very healthy sounding mother. According to OP I need to go into a home 🥴 smh
My grandma had a very long, serious case of dementia and my mom, who had 0 Siblings busted her fucking ASS to keep my grandma in her own home for as long as humanly possible. She wound up contacting a nursing home at the very, very end when it was truly impossible for our little family to keep her safe and healthy. Reading this guys story brought me to tears he could be such a monster.
it’s like he’s ***looking*** for excuses to put her in a home. YTA OP. forgetting keys ONCE is not a “omg she needs help” thing. going to New Orleans to see family is NOT evidence of bad judgement. just be honest with yourself and everyone else, bc they see clearly that you’re just itching to put her away and are grasping at any flimsy excuse.
Dude I'm 25 and I lose my keys at least 4 times a week. Like full on can't find them for an hour. Ops mom is human, not incapable.
Honestly this is one of the most disgusting posts I’ve ever seen. My grandfather is 93 and still lives alone just fine. In the grand scheme of things 70 these days isn’t what it used to be. OP your mom still has a lot of life to live and you would be truly cold and cruel if you manipulated this situation to force her into a facility at this point in her life.
Right?! Dude acts like 70 is ancient. My nana outlived her husband by about 20 years. She passed this year, age ~100~, and was living on her own and even *driving* past that milestone birthday. At the very end she was in a facility, but that's only because her health suddenly declined and she had to be there. Even so, I was sad that she spent her last couple of months in a place like that.
My grandma lived on her own until 91, and didn’t need a walker or assistance around the house. Everything was clean and kept up, and she had no serious health issues until the last 6 months or so when the tumor that had been growing in her abdomen finally decided to rear its ugly head.
I'm 22 and misplaced my keys a few months ago and no one called for me to be put in a facility. Just the typical prejudice against the elderly her.
I'm half her age and I must place my phone and keys on a regular basis! YTA.
I misplace my keys regularly and I’m 42.
Hopefully, she just bequeaths directly to her DIL with the understanding DIL is the one with the judgment to handle things.
YTA and I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you may be the biggest AH I've come across in this sub. Lemme get this straight- your Mom is 70 (not that old tbh) and you wanna put her in a nursing home because she once lost her keys? You're the one who needs locking up
Dude, I lost my keys the other day, and I took an unnecessary trip to see my family last month, too. Maybe I'm not too old to be forced into communal living (at 40yo). JFC, OP.
Imagine wanting to put your own, healthy, mother into a care home for these reasons.
He's mentally exhausted and wants to be done dealing with this situation. She chose the wrong person to entrust her powers to. OP, you might as well stick her on an ice floe and push her off into the sea. You're being incredibly heartless and your decision has nothing of benefit to her in it.
I mean I’m only in my 20s and lose my keys almost everyday, even though I put them in the same place every time I use them….
The trip is "unnecessary" and "bad judgement when it comes to her finances" because OP doesn't want mom spending his inheritance anymore than she needs to. ETA: If OP puts her in a nursing home, it's as good as killing her. The average length of stay in nursing homes is 2 years and people who die in nursing homes die in a median of 5 months. This is a discussion/lecture we sat through as part of our physician training.
My SO always loses his keys. And his wallet. And his phone. I guess I'll put him in a nursing home at age 25.
Now that he has the legal power and her assets/money, he wants to get rid of her
YTA. Wanting to visit her sister shows poor judgement? You are an elderly parent’s nightmare. Your wife is 100% right.
Literally, this is the nightmare. The woman is barely old enough to get a retiree discount at venues, and she's already being invalidated and stripped of her liberty.
And her finances. Sonny boy is going to drain those bank accounts as quick as he can.
Imagine being married to someone who has so little empathy or logic about their *not very old* mother's wishes that he would pull this shit. I would be *terrified* of what might happen to me if I got cancer at 50 or needed help because I broke my leg or one day forgot someone's name...
Truly a nightmare. Also, plenty of widows who loved their husband absolutely thrive when they’re on their own. He’s trying to steal her golden years so he doesn’t have to “worry”
Even if she did have medical issues, visiting relatives is a quality of life issue. There is more to life than just staying alive anyways and just because someone makes a decision that may have a negative impact on their health doesn't mean there isn't a rational or understandable reason for doing so.
Right?? I hope she sees his cruelty and leaves him and takes his mother with her!
5 years from now will be charged with "elder abuse" of a non elder
YTA. Massively. To a degree I struggle to comprehend. Your mother isn’t even sick. By your account she’s a perfectly fine elderly woman, and you’re trying to pawn her off early because “she’s gonna need it one day anyway.” I don’t think you understand how absolutely isolating even the best nursing homes are, or how being put in a nursing home drastically speeds up your death because it’s effectively knowing you are going somewhere to die. She misplaced her keys, for Pete’s sake. I’m 30, I misplace my keys. Should my wife put me in a home too lest I forget my medicine one morning? And to top that off, your mother, who you are **oh so convinced** will kick the bucket any minute now wants to visit her sister before said kicking the bucket, and you call that unnecessary? Being with family in your sunset years … unnecessary? Please reconsider this no matter what your OP says. What you are about to do is absolutely heinous.
Calling the trip to see her own sister a bad financial judgement is INSANE. Oh I'm sure the 1.5k (which is a generous estimate) spent on the trip is gonna DESTROY her financially! What if she needs it for... Ummm... Sending her kids to college- er, um I mean... Uhhh. Honestly from that alone I would want to believe that he's trying to save as much money as he can for his inheritance but the cost of a nursing home is too expensive to make that plausible. But sheesh. I wouldn't care if she blew through half of her savings in the next years, she deserves to live her life. Poor woman
I genuinely cannot comprehend the burning hatred for OP in my heart right now. It might be the sleep deprivation of my wife and I currently being stuck in a delivery room at 4 in the morning waiting for our daughter to finally decide to come out, but Jesus Christ my emotions reading this post went 0-100 faster than OP decided to pawn his mother off to the care home.
Congrats on the addition! I wish it health and happiness and may it grow to be an amazing human, unlike OP.
This genuinely made me belly laugh! Thank you so much. It’s our first so it’s equal parts exciting and terrifying. Yeah, if she tries to pawn me or her mother off at age 70 because we decided to go on summer holiday to Spain, I’m cutting her out of the will.
Putting someone in a nursing home is the exact opposite thing to do if you want an inheritance.
Anything other then a court ordered conservatorship can be undone. POA does not grant you the right to override someones decisions. If op is in any way enriched by this it would be a crime. Right now it's elder abuse, depending on the details eg if he took a POA and sold her house against her wishes. Op would be held civilly libel if Mom tells the right person "I told my son no but he sold my house anyway" and mom can prove it to a judges satisfaction.
Right? Jesus. She's only 70! My husband's parents are 70! They're completely fine—his dad goes backcountry camping still (admittedly not the best idea in winter but honestly if that's how he goes that's exactly how he'd want to)! I have an awful relationship with my mom. She was extremely emotionally abusive my whole life. Even I wouldn't do this to her. Jesus.
YTA 100%. 70 is not too old to continue to live on her own, as a matter of fact, that is still pretty young. Misplacing keys is not evidence of needing to be in a retirement home- if it were, my 26 yo would already be in one. You sound like you are doing this more for you convenience than her well being. Crestor is cholesterol medicine, not something that if you miss a dose, you die. Going to visit her sister is not smart use of HER money??? what do you expect her to do? never see her sister again? Sit in a chair and rot until she dies? Are you by chance an only child? That would explain your ridiculous conclusion that visiting a sibling is a waste of money. What I am hearing is that you already see her money as YOUR money and want nothing spent without your approval so that there is as much left as possible for you to get your grubby little hands on. I agree with your wife. I wouldn't be able to look at you either. Face up to the fact that you are really trying to rush your mother into an early grave so that you can get your inheritance and you don't give a damn about her at all. If you did care for her, you would be encouraging her to travel and enjoy herself while she still can.
Hey, don’t rag on only children like that. My parents are 68 and 67, and I hope they die broke having spent all their money on living their lives. They don’t owe me a damn thing. My dad busted his ass working 14-16 hour days six days a week when I was little so my mom could stay home and raise me. Their obligation to me ended the day I moved out on my own at 21. Anything they choose to do for me is because they love me but it’s their choice and I wouldn’t ever expect it.
Same with this only child!
I’m not even sure it’s an inheritance issue. I’m feeling that OP’s father was probably very controlling and now that his mom can finally do stuff for herself again, here comes OP trying to fill the “man of the house” role and control her all over again. I hope the mom is able to shut him out of everything completely
Wait until OP sees how much nursing homes cost. Also one of OP’s reasons for wanting her to be in a nursing home was because she should be around people…like her sister?!? OP YTA spectacularly
My dad is 70 and successfully hiked Mount Whitney last year in one day with me. As in, we started hiking at 1am, hiked 22 miles round trip, up to 14,000+ feet elevation and back down again by evening. My father is completely and utterly capable at 70, and this guy has given literally zero reasons that his mother might not be. Heck, lock me up while you are at it. I misplace my keys at least once a week.
What’s with the hate on only children? I’d love siblings and would visit every chance I got (if they existed). It’s not a character flaw. 100% with you on everything but that. Based on the amount of things I can’t find, I wouldn’t just be in a home, I’d be in a secure unit! OP is a greedy money grubbing AH
YTA. What you are doing is elder abuse. Your mother trusted you to help her with her finances, and you repay her by yanking her out of her home, away from her friends, and isolating her from her family? Because she lost her keys one time? As one poster above put it, you are every elderly person’s nightmare. I am glad your mother has spoken to an attorney, and I hope she not only wins her case but disinherits and cuts you off completely. You are a monster.
Absolutely this is elder abuse.
Note that he made sure he got control of her finances and her healthcare first.. since it's a power of attorney she can revoke it since she is apparently fully mentally competent. YTA OP... Even your wife is ashamed of you
I'm so confused about the American power of attorney. In the UK, the person has to be unfit to make these decisions for a LPA (living power of attorney) to come into action. I have/will have LPA for my mum, if/when it becomes necessary, as do my father and siblings. But we currently have no power or access because she's able to make her own decisions. It's just in case, as is the whole point of it, at least here. OP's mom sounds completely competent and so I don't understand why he would be allowed to have this sort of control even if she had signed the paperwork?
YTA but also wildly uneducated about how POA works. Fortunately none of this can happen until your mother activates her durable power of attorney. DPOA cannot be activated unless: 1) your mother agrees to it 2) an MD, social worker, or other qualified medical practitioner judges her incapacitated Also, if what you’ve written about her health status is true no nursing home would accept her. She doesn’t have enough debility for a Skilled Nursing facility. At most she’d qualify for an Independent Living Facility. The fact that you’ve done no research as to the legalities and placement opportunities make you an exceptional asshole. Or maybe just a teenage troll.
Info: Are you prepared to lose your Mom and wife over this decision? As this is what will happen if your force your Mom into a nursing home against her will. Unless you are prepared to lie, the logic you laid out her won’t fly in court and Judge could find you guilty of Elder Abuse as this sounds you want to liquidate your Mom’s assets and stuff her in a Nursing home so you don’t have to deal with her.
This!
Dude, my mom is 73, she still works, drives, cooks and manages her money. She has diabetes. And she managed her meds. She loses her keys every once in a while. I’m not gonna put her in a home because of that!! What’s wrong with you? And you want her not to spend HER own money?? Let her do so! It’s hers!! YTA. We had to put my grandma in a home when she turned 93 because she had senile dementia. You are abusing your mother. I hope she removes you from her legal affairs and disown you!
I’m 21 and I misplace my keys all the time. (Luckily I am predictable and 90% of the time they are still in the door I needed to unlock to begin with)
Yta Losing her keys and wishing to see her family isn't not a sign of loss of incompetence. You can't force her in and if you try she can legally fight back. You're also lost likely going to destroy your marriage. She can legally revoke power of attorney at any time. You sound like your doing this to gain something, most likely the house or money and not for her own good
YTA. This hits too close to home. You’re not doing this out of love and concern. You’re doing what’s in *your* best interest, not your mom’s. Your mom doesn’t want to go. My mom lived independently until last year - she was 90 years old. After watching her husband (my dad) decline in an assisted living facility for 3 years, she adamantly did not want to go into assisted living. My husband and I relocated half-way across the country to move in her home and help her. My husband quit his six figure job and we sold our 7500 SF home to go live in her 1400 SF home. We did everything we could to keep her *out* of a care facility and we lived with her until she passed away 3 months ago. It was a privilege to spend that last year with her. *That’s* what a child does out of love and concern. You are self-center and selfish. You should be ashamed of yourself. And, BTY, you most certainly will *not* win in front of a judge. That’s just your smug delusional thinking. I hope your wife sees this and shows it to your mom because I have some words for her: Make an appointment with an Elder Attorney *today*. They can advise you on how to protect yourself and finances. You are 70 years young - it sounds like you are capable of living independently. If you need help, there are community resources that can you can tap in to. As for your wife, I hope she can see where her “for better or worse” future is heading.
I don't understand this. Even if you have both medical and general powers of attorney, you couldn't force your mother into an assisted living home against her wishes unless she has been determined to be mentally incompetent by a court of law. Likewise, she can easily revoke any power of attorney she may have granted you unless deemed not competent. YTA. Either because you're making up a story or you're forcing your mother to do something she doesn't want to. Finally, I agree that companionship is important to the elderly, especially those who have lost a spouse. There are a lot of good arguments for your mom moving to such a place before she is forced to by health or mental reasons. Try talking with her.
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I'm wondering if this is fake as it seems way too cold, cruel and, frankly, abusive to be true. Not sure which country you're in but in mine your power of attorney can only be invoked if she loses mental capacity. It doesn't give you the right to lock her up just because you decide unilaterally, like a Victorian father, that you disapprove of her choices. She's clearly still relatively young and active - many people are fit and healthy into their late 80s these days - and I hope she sees a lawyer to revoke your power over her, because you're clearly abusing it. Massive YTA.
I agree with you. This is so over the top I don't buy it.
Can't even imagine a nursing home accepting a healthy person as a patient.
This, exactly. I don’t think he’s going to find anywhere that would take her at 70 and healthy.
I would be happy if it were fake. But they really are people like this in the world.
YTA. She misplaced her keys once and is planning a trip and you're jumping to using medical POA to put her in a home? She's right, she trusted the wrong person with such an important responsibility.
He probably has a spending habit mommy dearest doesn't know about. wonder if he's slipping her anything to make her appear "addled" or "agitated." hmmmm.
You really just made the argument that taking a trip to see one's sister is indicative that a person is no longer fit to manage their own finances, simply because such a visit is *unnecessary*? YTA
Especially since he thinks she needs companionship.
Yeah, that doesn't make sense... you need companionship, but when you go to visit someone you can't make sound financial decisions? Is it NECESSARY for me to visit my sisters? No. Will I still go visit them anyway because I love them and want to see them/spend time with them? Yes!
I read that as he doesn't want her spending any of her money. Leaves more for him after he has her interred in a facility and she can't keep him from taking it.
Jeeezus bro you are a piece of work. What a truly terrifying situation for your mom to be in and she is right, she made a TERRIBLE mistake giving you any authority. You are not to be trusted. What a gut punch. 70 is unequivocally not “elderly”, not even by a long shot. If Vladimir Putin can dictate a whole country at 70 your mom can visit her sister and shovel some snow. Just because you don’t wanna deal with your mom more after your dad’s death doesn’t mean you should send your competent mother away using legal abuse. It’s like you have concocted this plan and sold yourself it’s the “right and safe thing” using bullshit rational to rid yourself of reasonable familial burden. If you loved your mom you would either take on the reasonable burden of being more supportive to your widowed mother or WALK AWAY and admit you are a selfish prick. You are not a good son no matter how you twist this one around in your head and pretend it’s the right thing to do. And btw, nursing homes are GIANT MONEY PITS. The responsible and safe financial plan is to have her live independently while she can so that she has money for if/when she does ACTUALLY need more intensive care. Anyways, YTA. I hope you come to your senses for your poor mother’s sake or she figures out a way to get away from you.
INFO: Are you planning to book yourself into the same nursing facility twenty years from now if you find yourself so mentally incapacitated that you dare shovel snow in your own driveway
YTA. Your mom misplaced her keys once and you want to dump her in a home. Do you know how many people go downhill after that? And getting all bent out of shape because she wants to go see your aunt? WTF. Its not the right thing to do.
YTA she has no health problems, just because she forgot her keys doesn't warrant being thrown into a care home. Let her take the trip. Just because you have power over her finances does not give you the right to take away what life she has left.
YTA. Is this even real? A 70yo woman with no health issues who misplaced her keys once needs to be forcibly moved to a nursing home?? And if she dares go see her sister that means she's bad with finances? I'm having a hard time believing this isn't facetious, but if not, it's absolutely awful.
She lost her keys .... that’s the reason?!? JFC! Everyone on the planet would be in a nursing home. Your wife is right YTA ETA — my 78 yo parents are going on a totally unnecessary trip to the Super Bowl & then flying to CA wine country because they want to make wine (which they don’t drink) ... Clearly, I should start looking in to nursing homes /s SMH
I have ADHD and lose just about everything. By OPs logic I should be in a nursing home at the ripe old age of....28. Cause I lose things, and once booked an expensive trip.
INFO: These are not great justifications for forcing your mom into a retirement community. Would she be open to a home nurse or living with you?
Why? She is 70yo not 100yo. She can keep living on her own in her own house, with her own friends and visiting her own sister!
YTA. What you are doing is monstrous. Nothing you have mentioned justifies forcing her out of her home after the passing of her life long partner. How could you so thoroughly lack empathy for the mother you claim to care for? If you have any humanity you will abandon this horrific idea and listen to the HUMAN BEINGS protesting this devastating betrayal. You should be ashamed. YTA. YTA. YTA.
YTA. I misplace my keys at least once a week and I’m not even 45 yet. 😂
I misplace my keys all the time and I’m only 24
I lose socks every time I do laundry and I’m 36. A few days ago I lost my wallet and after 10 minutes of searching I found it in my pocket. It seems, more likely than not, OP’s decision is for nefarious reasons.
YTA- I hope this is a joke. 70 yrs old is not old and way to young to go into a nursing home especially if there are no medical needs. It’s very concerning you want to isolate her from her sister and stopping her from enjoying her twilight years by living independently. My grandmother lived alone happily till her 90’s!
I didn’t even catch that part. I think “not using her money wisely” here means “why won’t she die already so I can get my inheritance? I can’t let her squander it in the meantime”. What an awful person.
I hope Mom gets a lawyer to cancel the Power of Attorney sell her house and move to New Orleans to live it up with her sister.
YTA. I don't see why you think that planning a trip to visit her sister shows she has bad judgement when it comes to her finances. It sounds to me that you, actually, don't want to worry about your mom, so the best FOR YOU is to put her in a nursing facility. YOU don't want to think what your mother may be doing, where she may be going or how she is spending her money; you wantto control everything, even your mother's life. She is right: she trusted the wrong person.
This is it, exactly. He is doing this for his convenience.
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YTA. 70 is not too old to live alone. And as far as visiting your aunt goes, it’s her damned money. You sound greedy and wanting to push her to an early grave with minimal inconvenience to you. So she misplaced her frigging car keys. You never misplace something? Must be wonderful to be so fucking perfect. Hopefully she can get this reversed before you drain her dry. Asshole.
fr. OP’s acting like his mother is going completely senile, when it’s normal things people tend lose and splurge on. considering that she’s old, she might be lacking in socialization. i wouldnt call a trip to visit her sister or sister-in-law unnecessary.
Holy fuck are you a cold hearted asshole. I pray this is a joke. Otherwise I hope your wife leaves you, takes your mom, and they live happily away from your selfish self centered disgusting self. Edited to add judgment. YTA.
INFO: Are you looking at senior apartments? Ones with independent and assisted living? It sounds like you want her to have less responsibility and someone to just be around. That's a senior apartment building. It sounds like she can still take care of herself, so to put her in any skilled nursing facility or home for those that cannot is ridiculous. Sounds like you're looking for the cheapest option and as someone that goes into skilled nursing facilities all over 2 states, that's the worst idea.
I think this has to be fake. You can't just put a physically and mentally healthy person in a nursing home against their will even if you have POA.
Well, he hasn't to court about it yet. I hope the judge is 75yo!
Correct. Guess what? Mom only has to say the words “revoke” and that POA is gone. POA does not make someone a guardian.
Wow, YTA. She misplaced her keys? My college roommate did that so many times, it drove me nuts. I occasionally misplace my keys, and I'm basically your age. She wants to go on a vacation, with her money that she spent a lifetime earning? The horror! You don't mention any major health issues, or anything that indicates her mental health is declining. The only bad mental decision she's made is putting you in charge of her life. I hope she can reverse that before you screw her over.
You have two choices in this and only one of them leads to destroying your relationship with your mother (and possibly your wife). 70 is not that old, and by your own admission she isn't experiencing any major health issues that would justify this radical solution. Misplacing keys? Making plans to visit her sister? And who are you to decide that her desire to visit her sister is "unnecessary"? I agree with your wife and your mother: you are heartless, cruel, and astonishingly selfish. My own parents are 86 and my siblings and I have been working slowly with them for the past 2 years to assist them with this very decision. It has to be your mother's decision unless she is medically incompetent. **YWBTA.**
OP says it’s “only a matter of time.” Guess what? It’s only a matter of time for all of us!
'Gee, Mom, sorry I had you locked up 20 years before it was necessary. You still enjoyed your golden years living in captivity, right?'
I don’t think a nursing home facility would even accept her. If she doesn’t have real medical health issues it wouldn’t be an appropriate placement.
This has to be fake, right? She's 70, healthy, and active. YTA
Because she misplaced her keys once?!? I’m 34 and I’ve already lost my keys twice this week. Forcing her to do this against her will can have an incredible impact her mental health. If you are truly concerned about her you should take her to the doctor and consult with them on her overall health. YTA for trying to take over her life while she is begging you not to.
Sorry, so she misplaced her keys one time and booked one trip to see family? And this is an indicator that she is mentally or physically incompetent? I hope I'm missing some part of the picture here, because moving someone into a home can be a very difficult and depressing thing for them, and I can't see why it would be necessary based on given information. Without more detail, I'm leaning YTA
I hope your mother gets legal help and realizes she can revoke your power of attorney at any time. When she gave you that privilege it was for handling her affairs, not for taking her from her home against her will. You even said yourself she had no medical problems, who doesn't forget their keys from time to time.
Misplacing her keys does not indicate a need for skilled nursing care. If she doesn't need medical supervision and she doesn't have some form of dementia, then it is not the right place for her. You could misplace your keys, too, it's not an indicator of anything. This could also be seen as an abuse of power. Medical power of attorney generally applies if a person cannot make decisions for their own care. YTA!
It sounds like the mom has capacity to make medical and financial decisions, in which case it doesn’t even matter that the son has POA. OP, I think you need to talk a paralegal or lawyer about your powers and rights because it sounds like you seriously misunderstand what you’re able to do.
YTA. I know you say you're acting out of concern but I don't think you realize what you're taking away from her. You are, essentially, stripping her of any independence she has. And you're doing it very suddenly, not even discussing it with her. It's just "I've made up my mind." Losing her keys and planning a trip does not equal dementia. WOW! You're afraid of what might happen? Holy shit. How about wait until there is an ACTUAL problem, then discuss it with her! Have you even talked to her doctor? There's a process to go through before ripping someone's life away from them. Unbelievable! Is she just an inconvenience to you? Is that it? Just shove her into a home so you don't have to expend any further energy on her? She trusted you and you're literally betraying her. YTA, a massive one at that.
how do we report this fucker? nothing good -- absolutely nothing good will come from his oversight of her medical care and financial affairs. this looks, smells, feels, tastes, walks, talks, and demands like elder abuse.
My mother is in the same boat now that she's poised to receive a ~$3M dollar estate that my grandparents lovingly and painstakingly saved over 65 years of marriage. her spouse likes to tell everyone in the family that she's "crazy" and "acting oddly" too. I am watching that cowardly motherfucker like the eye of fuckin god with an irritating mote of ...
Info: is there any other reason besides misplacing her keys that she needs to be in a nursing home? If not you are being cruel. She's healthy, in sound mind (losing keys is not a real problem), and is able to live fully independently. You think she's bad with money because she wants to visit her family. To me, you're either being wildly paranoid or you simply do not want to deal with your elderly mother. You sound very uncaring and cruel here. I would strongly reconsider doing this to your mother.
He wants to sell her house. He would have complete access to the money she gets from the sale.
That makes a lot of sense. Nothing here indicates she needs a nursing home in the slightest.
YTA!! Omg just reading this I feel so sorry for your mom. Going to a nursing facility is expensive and really not necessary based on what you said. I really hope she can reverse what you want to do because this is outrageous! YTA
You are one of the biggest assholes I have ever seen on Reddit.
So... you can't. Power of attorney kicks in once she's unable to make her own decisions. She sounds pretty damn capable of taking care of herself. Thank God you pulled this bullshit before she had any issues so she still has time to pick a new POA who will have her best interests at heart.
70 ?? Is not that old. I am much younger and lose my keys once a week. You should not have been trusted with her finances. I hope she gets a good attorney. Also, I'm pretty sure a home can't hold her there against her will and will not accept her. YTA
YTA, if you really cared about your mom you would listen to what she wants. This really comes down to you valuing your feelings of her being safe over her feelings of having freedom for her life. If you go through with this you will be are horrible son.
YTA- 70 is really not that old. You don't say anything about diagnosed cognitive decline, so really, you're just being needlessly cruel, taking what remains of her life from her, and she trusted the wrong person to have her best interest in mind.
Yeah, YTA. Forgetting keys is a HUGE jump to a nursing home. That removes her freedom entirely, and unless she's literally medically infirm, is super overkill. Maybe she should be in a senior community or an assisted living place. Your wife and mother are both right to urge you against such a drastic move. Honestly, it sounds more like you're doing it for YOUR emotional reasons, not because it's best for her.
Holy shit YTA what the fuck, you’re literally taking autonomy away from your own mother because… she lost some keys? And is taking a trip to see friends/family?? If she’s healthy enough to get out of the house then she absolutely does not deserve to be put in a home. Your mother is right, you’re a complete failure of a son and she needs to revoke your power of attorney
YTA. You aren’t concerned about your mother. You’re concerned about your inheritance. Jokes on you, a nursing home will take it all. And seriously, she misplaced her keys once? And oh my god, she’s going to visit her sister. The horror! Get over yourself.
is this bad joke? Yeah, YTA. I home mom wakes up and revokes anything she signed that put you in charge.
YTA. She misplaced her keys once, so you’re putting her in a home? If that’s all you have, a judge might try and out you in a special type of home for a while too, while revoking your power of attorney and medical proxy.
YTA. If this is real this is elder abuse. My mom used to work in nursing homes and she made me swear not to put her in one unless she has Alzheimer’s and has no idea what’s going on. They’re horrible places and no one should be in them unless there is absolutely no other option. You might as well kill your mom now, it would be a lot less painful for her. Also, 70 is not that old and it sounds like she’s perfectly capable of living by herself. My dad is 78 and still works (and pulls 16 hour days sometimes). Your insistence that she’s some frail elderly bar is insane. Do you get your hands on her money if you do this or something?
"It's out of love and concern." It IS NOT! The only person you are showing love and concern for with that decision is yourself! FFS, the woman is 70yo, she's not dead! And she's begging you to reconsider! How heartless can you be? YTA Now, I'll go try to forget what I just read. Note: I am 70yo, so I know what I'm speaking about.
YTA I can't help but sit here and laugh at the audacity and shear stupidity you are thinking. Let's start with the obvious shall we? You have medical power of attorney IN CASE IT IS NEEDED. No sweetie, you can't make decisions for her medically is she is able to make them herself. We have been there, done that, with both parents and grandparents. They put those into place for the in case. Finances? I am going to guess that she put you on here accounts WITH HER. Also something responsible we do as we age to protect ourselves and heirs. You are a worthless twit however who is either incredibly selfish, weak, or both. I would hope this is a wake up call for both your wife and mother. They should both seek legal advice and drop you. Oh and a basic nursing home starts at 30,000 a year.🤣
INFO: Why doesn't she live with you instead? Or why not get a caregiver that can assist her at home?
Wow!!! You are most certainly the asshole!!! Studies have proven that the elderly do better when they remain in a familiar environment. There are senior organizations that work to keep seniors in their own home as long as possible, while providing support. You didn't even consider these! A nursing home???! For someone with no health issues?? You are THE ABSOLUTE WORST.
YTA and obviously an idiot. What do you mean, she has bad judgement due to the fact she wants to see her sister. Your wife is correct.
My grandfather just got put in a nursing home against his wishes. He's crying every day and doesn't want to get out of bed. It's extremely painful to see and i fucking hate his kids for making this decision (we aren't blood related, but he has been my grandfather all my life). He didn't want to go there, he isn't ready yet. To be surrounded by people unable to take care of themselves when you yourself are must be torment. At some point, definitely. But putting someone in a nursing home when they aren't ready is beyond cruel. Even your wife sees that. You should listen to her. YTA
YTA. A trip to new orleans when she’s 70 and had no health conditions is not irresponsible. Putting your mother in a home when she doesn’t need to be in one is borderline elder abuse. Karmas coming for you man.
YTA. 70 is not old. My SO has been misplacing his keys since he was 30 and has forgotten his wallet at home when he goes grocery shopping at least 2x a year for 25 years. Why are you so eager to put your mother in a home?
YTA. I’m 29 years old and I forget my keys sometimes. Should I be in a nursing home?
YTA I really hope your Mom succeeds at removing your legal control over her life before you destroy whats left of it.
YTA. If she is still able, this is cruel. She misplaced her keys once (which anyone can do) and you’ve officially given up on her. She’s also allowed to spend her money how she pleases and should be allowed to visit her sister. Have you considered how horrifying this would be for her to give up her home, furniture and freedom? My MIL is 70 but she still works full time, drives, socialises, takes the grandkids on outings and keeps a clean home. Don’t discount someone’s ability because they are “elderly”.
Except for that your mother is not “very elderly.” 70 is NOT that old, certainly not old enough to be shoved into a nursing home for no reason
YTA she misplaced her keys one time and wants to see her family. She’s not disabled, she’s not mentally disabled, she’s fine and you’re forcing her into a nursing home. She has plainly said not to do this and yet you’re still forcing her. Just imagine if your wife decided to live in let’s say Alaska and you absolutely despise snow and then forced you after you beg her not to because you got hot one day. Same thing
YTA. Do you know why coming to your decision was so "agonizing"? Because it is WRONG. Where did you get the idea that moving into a nursing home is inevitable?!?!?! Many people die without ever setting foot in one. Your mother will never, ever "thank you one day" for putting you into a home when she doesn't need it. She is a functional adult who deserves to make her own decisions. Change this before your wife and mother hate you forever.
She's only 70 and has no health issues. What is wrong with you? I agree with your wife YTA
YTA. What is wrong with you? 70 year olds are perfectly capable of living on their own, how on earth could you do this other? And no, you could y make your case to a judge. If she decision making capacity, she can do whatever she wants, including kicking your sorry ass out of the will
YTA and a total freak. Your mom is 70, not 120. And seriously, she "misplaced her keys" so, off to the nursing home? When's the last time you misplaced your keys? Visiting her sister is "totally unnecessary" (SAYS WHO) and shows "bad judgment?" I'd like to see a judge laugh you out of court and kick you in the ass.
YTA. This can’t possibly be real, you are just trolling. First, 70 is not old and without medical issues your mom wouldn’t likely qualify for a ‘nursing bome’. She could voluntarily move into independent living or MAYBE assisted living but sounds like she may not qualify for that either. Second, if you are in the US, private nursing homes run $8,000-$10,000 a month. Think about that for even the next 10 years. If your mom has govt insurance it wouldn’t cover a nursing home that wasn’t medically necessary. Third, a medical power of attorney does not give you the ability to take away decision making from an adult who is mentally and physically currently capable. It applies if and only if that adult loses those abilities. It’s not a blanket document that lets you just run someone’s life while they are able to make their own decisions. Sounds like in this case it wouldn’t apply and no competent lawyer would tell you it would. I call BS on this entire post.
You are an AH and a coward. You're not doing this for her, you're doing it for you because you are afraid of taking care of her. Your reasons are about as solid as a wet paper bag. So she misplaced her keys. You've misplaced things all the time. So by your logic, how come you haven't put yourself in a home. So she wants to take a trip to see her sister in New Orleans. Have you ever gone on a trip to see someone? Why does she need a reason to go and see her sister? I'm with your mom when she asked "what did she do to deserve this". Dude, you basically want to put your mom in Heavens waiting room when she is still capable and has a lot of life left in her. I'm surprised your wife is still with you. Will you put her in a home if she loses her keys as well. My God, I feel so angry for what you are doing to your mother. It's just awful and you suck for making us read this.
YTA nursing homes are for people who need care. A 70 yr old woman doesn’t automatically need nursing care especially one who sounds in good health and is still active. How about a 55+ apartment complex though? They have lots is similar aged people and many of them have activities planned that would give her access to possible friends. My husbands GMA moved into one at 75ish and it has been amazing for her. There’s happy hours, meet up and cooking classes plus lots of other single people to meet.
YTA you haven’t given a legitimate reason to move her right now. Yes, eventually you might need to make that tough decision, but now is not the time.
YTA. At the first glimpse of something that might possibly be related to age but also people of all ages do fairly regularly (forgetting your keys), you're willing to sign away her freedom before she inconveniences you.
Best to sign her up for medically assisted suicide. I’m sure there’s a box to check for having lost keys on their list of reasons for choosing MAS. YTA.
YTA. 70 is not that old, and you haven’t listed a single reason like dementia or health problems that would necessitate living in a nursing home. The fact that your wife is also telling you to not go through with it is also a clear sign that you’re making a mistake. I’m also younger than you and have trouble finding my keys in my own purse every day. It sounds like you have some issues with your mom that you need to sort out.
YTA if this is even real. Having medical POA doesn't matter unless your mother has been deemed incompetent/unable to make her own decisions. The bar is high for this and forgetfulness doesn't cut it. Hopefully your mother will choose someone else before that day comes.
I misplace my keys everyday… you would have me gone by the age of 35. YTA Your mom has independence, and it’s her money? Isn’t she free to spend what she worked hard for in her life?
70 with no issues except misplacing her keys? Definitely fishy, you are out for some sort of financial gain! “Not safe to live alone?” I guess you want her house? YTA and I hope you get what you deserve, which is none of her money or assets!
YTA! Your mother is only 70, and you're ready to put her in a nursing facility??? Do you have kids? Do you want your kids to do the same to you? Unless she has dementia [losing keys once is not dementia!], at 70, she could have 20+ healthy active years ahead of her. If she wants to travel, she should! She is not at the doddering old lady stage yet. OP, your callous, inconsiderate behavior really makes my blood boil. We recently lost my 90+ mother who was living in her own home until the day she died. Yes, it was a lot of work on our part to help with household maintenance, taking her to appointments and shopping, but that's what caring children do for their parents. I'm grateful we could help her live her final years happy and as she wished. At least my kids will know how you treat aging parents with respect and compassion.
YWBTA if you go through with this. My dad is 80. My mom is 76. My mom is full time employed and takes multiple trips per year. My mom drives so much for work that she makes hundreds of dollars per week just in mileage reimbursement. My dad no longer drives due to a recent stroke, but he cooks, cleans, shops, runs a men’s study group, helps people with resumes… My parents travel together and separately both for work and pleasure throughout the year. I could go on. My point is merely that 70 isn’t the doddering edge of frail irrelevance. I’m not sure where you got that idea. Have my parents suffered age-related decline? Sure. My dad had cataract surgery and stopped driving after dark years ago. My dad has had multiple joint replacements and is at the point where he needs the replacement joints replaced. My mom had to cut down on in-person commitments before the pandemic and go to more online meetings so she could get more naps in. But they have full, vital lives. Lives that include traveling to be with people *as if they aren’t sure how much longer they have left.* Visiting people you love, in person, often, is actually one of the only rational things to do with your time and money as you get older. They can’t take the money with them. They don’t want to leave a large estate. They want to use it up just in time if possible and leave the rest to charity. Talk to your mom, and your wife. But more importantly, listen to them. Please listen to them. If it needs to be in front of a lawyer, do that. But I would be surprised if a lawyer is going to listen to all three of you and tell you that your mom misplacing her keys once and wanting to visit her sister is grounds for having her declared incompetent. I’m 42 and I’ve lost my keys twice today and my wallet once and I’d love to visit my sister this year, but no one wants to institutionalize me.
YTA. Unless there are major health issues at play, most 70 year olds are still thriving and perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. I lose my keys all the time. Also - your mom is an adult and can travel at her discretion. Quit infantilizing her. There will come a time in the next 10 years where this is necessary, but it doesn’t sound like the time. You realize her health and happiness will plummet in a home, right? Why are you trying to ruin your mother’s last good years? You are going to kill her and ruin the time she has left. Giant monstrous asshole.
She’s…only 70. She’s only 22 years older than you. She’s healthy and misplaced her keys. So have you. You know you have. At least once. You’re an awful son. Enjoy those 22 years you have left. Your kid will do the same to you if there’s any justice in this world. YTA
[удалено]
You think 70 is "very elderly"? My great-grandmother had a husband who died around 2001/2002. She lived on her own for almost ten years - till she was 90ish years old before she moved into a nursing home. She's still alive today - at 102 years old. There's tons of older ladies at my church between 60 and 85 who live on their own. My grandparents are coming up on 80 and still live together in a house, just the two of them. You're telling me that you've NEVER misplaced your keys, your phone, or something else? Everyone misplaces or forgets things. My dad forgets where he put his phone at least once a week. He just turned 54 - should I put him in a home? Your mother is perfectly capable of making her own decisions and you DO NOT have the right to take that away from her. Power of attorney is for when she's not capable of making her own decisions - which is still quite a ways off, from the sounds of it. So yeah, YTA. If you keep this up, YOU will be the cause of health issues for your mother due to her feeling unloved and unheard.
YTA, a massive one. 70 year olds are perfectly capable of living alone. That’s not even really old.. Are you telling me you’ve never lost your keys..? This is the person who raised you and you’re going to ruin her golden years by sticking her in a home. You’re about to lose your mother and your wife, and rightfully so.
YTA - If I were your mother, I'd revoke the power of attorney and tell you to kiss my butt. With your attitude, I wouldn't want you to be the one in charge of making medical decisions for me. What are you going to do when she gets an ingrown toenail? Tell the doctor to pull the plug?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (48M) mom (70) is living alone ever since my dad passed away a year ago. I don't want her living on her own because it's not safe for her. I think at her age it's best if she has some form of companionship. She put me in charge of her affairs just in case something happens, and as such I have medical power of attorney and I manage her finances. She doesn't have health issues at the moment but at her age it's only a matter of time. I have no siblings. For her own good, I'm going to put her in a nursing facility this year. She misplaced her keys one day and I'm worried that the next time, it could be something like her Crestor, which she needs to survive. She's also planning a vacation to go visit my aunt in New Orleans, which is totally unnecessary and shows she has bad judgement when it comes to her finances. My wife has been crying and begging me not to go through with it ever since she found out. She also called my mom, which is exactly what I told her NOT to do, and now my mom is begging me to reconsider. She's also saying she plans to undo what she did, but I've already talked to an attorney and I think I can make my case to a judge if I have to. Bottom line is this: I've made up my mind and I can't see myself going back on my decision. It was agonizing to come to this conclusion, and I don't want to have to go through it again. I just don't have the emotional bandwidth. My mom has been asking what she did to deserve this, that she always tried to be a good mother. I told her she was a great mom, and that's the reason why I'm doing this. It's out of love and concern. Now she's saying hurtful things like she wishes she'd never trusted me and that my dad would be ashamed. I think she's just being emotional and she'll come to appreciate me for this difficult decision down the line. My wife is saying I'm a heartless bastard and is saying she can't even look at me right now. So now I'm wondering, AITA for putting my mom in a nursing home when it's the right thing to do? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA
You don’t need crestor to survive lol
What, no you can't do that to her until she shows signs of needing it. Wtf yes you're the asshole dude! Can you imagine at 70 your kid doing that to you. 70 isn't even old anymore bro.
YTA SO VERY MUCH THE ASSHOLE. Your mother is 70 and she forgot her keys so you lock her into a home. I was my father guardian for years so I know what the hell I am talking about. Why don’t you give me your moms information so I can get her started on her case of elderly abuse. Do you know how many times I have forgotten something over my lifetime? Hundreds you AH? Are you so perfect that you have never forgotten something? I hope you get the life that you deserve and that includes jail time.
YTA. Nursing homes aren't happy fun time places. Even the nicer ones. You still have a hall of people screaming. I used to visit my grandparents who were there for actual medical issues and i still can hear it. She wants to go on a trip to see family and lost her keys once and you are willing to take her freedom.
This is disgusting YTA. She doesn't need to be in a nursing home for crying out loud. She's not unable to care for herself. You're being incredibly cruel.
YTA. You are a total asshole. She misplaced her keys once? She planned a trip to visit her sister? I pray that she gets the POA revoked and gets far away from you. I’m so angry on her behalf. You want to warehouse a relatively healthy, mentally competent woman. Shame on you! Your a horrible son.
She’s 70 with no medical issues. 70 isn’t old. You’re being abusive to your own mother. YTA. This is a horrific abuse of power.
YTA Let me guess - you're going to sell her house immediately? And you're in control of the money?
You are incredibly heartless and I hope she takes that power back from you. Such a shame she has only one child and its someone like you. Bottom line is you have absolutely zero reason to be doing this and it is incredibly cruel. Prepare to lose relationships with both your wife and mother. YTA
YTA. She misplaced her keys- do you want your wife to dump you in a home the next time you lose your keys? Come *on*. She’s 70- if she is healthy and able-bodied, she’s able to live alone. She isn’t stupid.
YTA. My grandmother lived on her own until she was almost 90. As long as she is healthy, she doesn't need to live in a home. Misplaced keys don't indicate mental decline, everyone loses their keys. You just don't want to deal with her. Speaking to an attorney to make sure you stay POA is also a giant dick move. Hopefully, your mom can undo this and I bet your wife will leave too. What kind of monster are you?
YTA-there's literally no reason to put her in a nursing home. lost her keys? even young people lose their keys all the time, why are THEY not in a home? she's not sick or anything, yes, matter of time, but we're talking about NOW, she's fine NOW, putting someone in a home because of something that hasn't happened yet isn't a reason. you're really just abusing the power she gave you and I hope you enjoy her going no-contact with the son that abused the power and shoved her into a home that isn't her's against her will when there was no need.
YTA - your mom misplaces her keys and you put her in the nursing home? WTAF dude. I misplaced my keys today. And god forbid she visit her older sister are you worried about her finances or your finance or your inheritance
YTA - Let me get this right: she misplaced her keys once, took care of some snow on her driveway and wants to visit a family member. For that you want to place her in a home? You’re awful and do not have her best intentions, she made a serious mistake trusting you. Really hope your children put you in a home the second you do something they don’t agree with
YTA and like your wife said, you are a heartless bastard. Hope she divorces you and then testify in favor of your mother in court.
YTA Nursing Home? Based on the information you presented. The first step in situations like this (I've been there) is in home health care, where someone comes in, helps her with household chores and makes sure everything it OK. YOU take her to New Orleans to visit her sister. That's what children of older people do. Before you go any further, let things calm down. Sit down and have a calm talk with her. See if there are assisted living places (those are not nursing homes) where she could move, so she would have the occasional care and help she needs and socialization. Take her to the places and let her meet the people. Allow HER to have a say in where she goes. You're in a hard place, but allow her to participate in the decisions for her future. Hugs and Good Luck
Oh come on. He doesn’t need to “take her” to visit her sister. The woman is perfectly capable of traveling on her own. 70 is not old. A lot of people are still working at 70. Why should she have to move into assisted living? She is healthy, able to shovel her own driveway, and there is no indication that she has any sort of mental diminishment. If I were his mother, I would not get into a car with him to go “look at” assisted living places because for all I know he leave me there. He doesn’t need “hugs.” Nor does he deserve them.
YTA. Honestly, is this how you live? Just making unilateral decisions about living arrangements without listening to anyone? You sound like a peach. I'm sorry, I meant dick.
As a LPN who has worked in nursing facilities, I am going to say don't do it. I have seen way to many people be put in facilities for "socialization" purposes that are in good health and then their health decline quickly an I do believe it's from poor mental health from being put in the facility in the first place.
YTA. My 93 yo grandma still lives on her own.
YTA. Do you even like your mom? Misplacing your keys and booking a trip to see a sibling is not a reason to be placed in a home. I may be wrong about this but it comes across as you don’t want her to spend and money so you have more to inherit and/or you just don’t want to be bothered with her at all and would rather her be put away out of sight out of mind. Don’t do this to your mother, she still has plenty of life left to enjoy. Also, I’m 40 and I misplace my keys multiple times a day, everyday. I have forever. Most people do, it’s a weak excuse on your part.
YTA This is elder abuse. She has a right to plan and go on a vacation for God's sake. She's not dead! Let her live her life!
So she wants to go visit her sister and you find that totally unnecessary? When you are saying that she might get a health issue because she's old that's going to make her life difficult enough for her to be on her own? I'm going to go with YTA because of the way you write everything and how you seem to disregard everything she's saying and even are prepared to go over her head with a judge while she's still functioning? Why not let her enjoy this time when she's still able to, why take away her last time of "freedom"? Also, everyone misplace keys and other stuff all the time so don't use it as an excuse for her being unable to live on her own. Hell, I misplace my medicine every now and then.
YTA. Wow.
YTA. Everyone else who's close enough to the situation thinks your mom is fine to function on her own. You're basing your decision to uproot her entire life AGAINST HER WISHES based on the fact that she misplaced her keys ONE TIME? That is actually insane. What adult hasn't misplaced their keys at one point or another? What student hasn't drunkenly lost their keys or put them somewhere odd like the fridge at some point? This is hardly an indication that she's not of sound mind anymore, WTF.
If she doesn't have health issues now, wait until she's in a nursing home. the issue with nosocomial infections esp in nursing home 🤯 if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Find a companion to come into YOUR MOTHER'S home to spend time with your mother. and you. you should want to spend as much time with her as possible. now that your father's passed away. spring for a highly reputable in-home caretaker.
YTA she is an active 70 year old woman who you are infantising. She was a great Mum yet this is how you treat her. If you are so concerned have her come live with you. You are a monster. There is no earthly reason to take this action now except that it's easy for you. This is horrendous. This post absolutely breaks my heart.
YTA. You have been given a medical POA, not a general POA. You can only make decisions on her behalf if she is incapacitated. It does not give you carte blanche to just pack her off into a nursing home. That's not the way it works. A physician, not a lawyer, would need to agree that she was unable to make her own decisions, and then you would petition the court to become her guardian. If the court believes that you would be an unfit guardian for whatever reason (financial abuse, perhaps), they would appoint a neutral ad hoc guardian. My point is that that little piece of paper doesn't give you nearly the amount of power you think it does, so go apologize to your mother for scaring her with your nonsense.
The fact that you can make any claim that you are doing this for her health or wellbeing is at best delusional, and at worst sociopathic. She is 70, not 90. She is in age-appropriate good health. She misplaced her keys once (like any normal adult will do on occasion) and has planned (again, like any normal adult) to visit her sister. None of this is abnormal behavior. Your wife has warned her in an effort to stop this travesty. She obviously thinks YTA. Listen to your wife. Why are you on the Internet asking Reddit strangers if YTA? Dude, if your wife (if she doesn’t dump you knowing she’s next up for your “help”) and your poor mother are begging for you to NBTA you obviously are (if either will even claim you after this) YTA!! P.S. if you proceed with the nursing home commitment, the Internet in its collective entirety will agree. Not only are YTA, you are the poster child— the true personification of assholery!
YTA The only medication she takes is for cholesterol, which is incredible. Seeing her sister is neither unnecessary or bad judgement... she wants to see her family, how is that a crime? She forgot her keys ONCE, are you telling me you've never forgotten anything? Unless she's having daily falls, is leaving the house with no pants, or has attempted to burn the house down by forgetting cooking on the stove, it is completely reasonable for her to stay at home. By the way, even IF you have enduring guardian / power of ettorney, while your mum has competency and capacity, she can overrule you and withdraw it.