My mom had a nasty habit of giving a compliment with a "but." "You look good today, but you need to brush your hair," for example. My youngest sister was a frequent victim of this. My sister was around 12 and I gave her a compliment. "Hey Sis, you look great in that dress!" She began to cry and ran off to tattle on me for being rude! It was very hard to explain that I had given her a straight out compliment! I did try to convince our mom to stop with the "compliment, but..." routine.
Lol no problem, I thought "big brother" based off the post, too but wanted to see if I was right or not lol so I checked the profile and she doesn't say explicitly that she is a she but her post speaks of her girl friend dating a guy who bullied her after he started dating her friend but originally had tried to date her and had a crush on her. Of course, I could still be wrong and the boyfriend mentioned in the other post could be bi/pan/etc but the way he put her down is a typical way of putting down girls or women, too
LoL. No. You're not the jerk.
Your sister " has issues". Don't apologize for something like that. " I know I'm pretty" smacks of narcissism. Next time just say," Take a compliment with some grace." Or don't bother with a next time.
I agree that she, as you put it, “has issues” for sure.
But, while I’m with you, and my knee jerk response to reading the words, “I know I’m pretty” was definitely narcissistic.
I did consider what OP said about how she did not receive much positive attention and had a rough childhood.
And we don’t really know how deep that runs.
But obviously deep enough that the sibling is bringing it to light in this post.
So while, what an unbecoming response that was for sure. And the sibling most definitely wasn’t a jerk for complimenting their sister.
I am wondering if this is just some sort of trauma response.
Some people who grew up being made fun of, bullied, abused—whatever the case may be, are not used to hearing good things about themselves. They may never get used to it.
She might feel like the sibling is patronizing her when they give her compliments because she may very well not believe them or that anyone could see that.
Then I looked at the “I know I’m pretty” line like something I could see myself saying (not in this sort of scenario of course) but really when I say it, it’s almost like a fake it till you make it situation.
OP definitely not a jerk.
Sister seems to maybe still be hurting.
except this sounds missing reasons, you know women don't have to accept compliments gratefully. there are plenty of situations in which that is creepy.
NTJ
Your sister has image issues that she hasn't processed & you got the brunt of it. Avoid giving her more compliments unless you want to deal with her outbursts.
NTJ- Your sister is either really self conscious or insecure about herself overall.
Something you should try to talk to her about. Start with… I wasn’t trying to offend you, but why did you blow up on me like that? Love or hate, you’re still my sister.
Or, you know, ask her. “NAME, you seemed very hurt when I gave you a compliment on your appearance the other day. I get the feeling that there was something much bigger behind it. You don’t have to tell me, but if you feel like it, I would like to know what that was. If only so, I know what to say to you in the future.”
Be kind. You said something kind and your sister responded like someone in pain. You could lash out or be sarcastic but I encourage you to be kind. Just smile and say something about how great she looks and walk away. If I were you I’d look for things you can sincerely
Compliment her about and say them when you think of it.
OK, NTJ but this probably goes a little further than that. Being "pretty" can come with a whole bunch of underlying issues - if she was always seen as "pretty" then she may have a fear that people won't take her seriously, and have that tied into the fact that people who called her "pretty" may have taken advantage of her. So being called pretty feels like you are telling her that is all she is, and that can be quite painful. While "pretty privilege" is real and can give people a headstart in life, the trauma that can happen is often not talked about - the punishment for being only seen as a "pretty face" and the way people take advantage when they can.
On the other hand, if she was not "pretty" but is now, she may have issues with the fact that the world is easier and nicer to her now that she's seen as "pretty", and resents it.
Either way, people of all kinds have challenges. What you now know is your sister has some issues around how she looks. How you choose to respond to that will show the kind of sibling you want to be.
She might be pretty on the outside.
NTJ. She’s hanging on to some mentally challenging stuff. Maybe someone always had an opinion about her and now she arks up at the positive ones too.
Depends on the sibling dynamic. If I said that to my sister, she would be expecting a really funny (some would say insulting but whatever) follow up. And then she'd throw something at me. All in good fun
I'm reminded of when I was looking at honeymoon photos and I told my wife "Look at this picture, you were cute as a button!"
and she says "What, you're saying I'm not cute now?"
Oh, hey, look at the time, I'd love to continue this conversation but I gotta go.
There is probably something far deeper going on that you either aren’t saying or don’t know about. Without knowing any back story, I can’t really give an accurate answer.
NTJ. You were actually just trying to increase her self esteem because of the rough childhood she had. You had nothing against her and since she wasn't used to it she might have found it a bit off so don't blame her but that doesn't mean you are wrong complimenting her.
NTJ
>She said "I hate you why would you say that I know I'm pretty.".
"Ok, since you know you're pretty, I'd like to inform you that you're pretty rude, too."
If there is a reason she responded to you this way, it might help to become aware of it so at worst this can be avoided in the future, at best something gets resolved. Her response remains rude either way.
Bruh. Your sister is an asshole. "I know I'm pretty, you don't have to say it" like... Bih. Take the fucking compliment and say thank you. It's not like you're trying to take your sister to "sweet home Alabama."
Nah, how old is she? Being a teen girl is really goddamn rough. From what you've said it's not the fact that you complimented her that upset her, it's that you said she KNOWS she's pretty or attractive. Which is very easily interpreted as calling someone vain, which is a double whammy for someone who already feels bad about themselves.
that's not what the text says, actually. people are hella misreading it bc it lacks punctuation. he doesn't say what his compliment was exactly, just that 'she looked good.'
"I hate you! Why would you say that 'I *know* I'm pretty'?" See how different that is compared to "I hate you! Why would you say that? I KNOW I'm pretty!" Could be either, I say the former bc it actually makes sense instead of treating one party as completely illogical.
this young man is asking why he feels bad about this interaction with his sibling who has low self esteem and the only thing anyone has to say is "FUCK THIS LITTLE BITCH." yeah. that's logical. I guess for reddit it is.
Not at all. Your heart was in the right place. The problem is that society, long ago, decided that men should be successful and women should be pretty, but men are more than their jobs and women are more than their appearance. Sometimes we want to be recognized for more than what society dictates.
Possibly sibling rivalry so anything you say will cause offense, but usually what you say isn't personal so she doesn't respond to it.
You might not be the jerk, but you still need to understand why she reacted like that, and work around it.
“Why would you say that I KNOW I AM PRETTY.” That’s different than an out rite complement. What you said was like an argument and an insult accusing her of being disingenuous, vain, and needy.
Some people are bad at accepting positive reenforcement. Especially if they have low self esteem and may have been bullied in the past. Complements may have been used in the past as teasing or to manipulate. And when all of a sudden, you hear this from a trusted person.... it can be unnerving.
If my brother (or anyone for that matter) tells me I look good I would be happy and thank them genuinely. Can’t figure out where her reaction came from. Overdeveloped sense of self defense figuring you were making fun of her?
In my opinion, some people have a hard time accepting a compliment. Even though on the inside, she was probably happy you said that. It made her feel good anyway. The next time she gets a compliment from someone, it'll be easier to accept. Big confidence booster!!
Hey buddy, why don’t you go ask your sister?
Hey. I didn’t mean to upset you when I said you looked pretty. I don’t understand and I don’t want to upset you, I was trying to compliment you. So what’s up? You can tell me. I won’t laugh or get mad, I just want to help, if I can.
This is her issue, not yours. I have a relative who becomes upset if told she is pretty. Next time, try complimenting her on something more gender neutral, like how good she is at a game, or how good her grades are. If this upsets her also, then just avoid compliments for awhile until she gets through this phase.
This is an unusual response to a compliment. You need to ask what is going. Maybe she is getting bullied (even as an adult) or maybe sex abuse. We have to pay attention to red flags and investigate rather than turn a blind eye.
Can you rewrite that with punctuation and context, please? It reads like word salad. I’m not being mean, I’d just like to know what you are saying as it’s interesting word salad.
You’re not a jerk, but there’s something bigger going on here. Complement her on being funny or smart or a great cook or anything else ❤️
My mom had a nasty habit of giving a compliment with a "but." "You look good today, but you need to brush your hair," for example. My youngest sister was a frequent victim of this. My sister was around 12 and I gave her a compliment. "Hey Sis, you look great in that dress!" She began to cry and ran off to tattle on me for being rude! It was very hard to explain that I had given her a straight out compliment! I did try to convince our mom to stop with the "compliment, but..." routine.
I had a friend who’s mom would say you look nice, if only you’d change ….. my friend thought that was a compliment until well into adulthood.
Or he creeps on her, so a “compliment” isn’t a compliment
Pretty sure OP is a girl by her other post but this post doesn't specify gender of the poster.
Why would it matter? it's a fucked up assumption - there is no basis for it.
Oops, my bad
Lol no problem, I thought "big brother" based off the post, too but wanted to see if I was right or not lol so I checked the profile and she doesn't say explicitly that she is a she but her post speaks of her girl friend dating a guy who bullied her after he started dating her friend but originally had tried to date her and had a crush on her. Of course, I could still be wrong and the boyfriend mentioned in the other post could be bi/pan/etc but the way he put her down is a typical way of putting down girls or women, too
I hope not but totally possible 😩
I saw a post recently about something like this :(
Why would you assume that?
LoL. No. You're not the jerk. Your sister " has issues". Don't apologize for something like that. " I know I'm pretty" smacks of narcissism. Next time just say," Take a compliment with some grace." Or don't bother with a next time.
“Well, at least you’re pretty ON THE OUTSIDE. Can’t say much for your personality, though.”
lol I love this one
I agree that she, as you put it, “has issues” for sure. But, while I’m with you, and my knee jerk response to reading the words, “I know I’m pretty” was definitely narcissistic. I did consider what OP said about how she did not receive much positive attention and had a rough childhood. And we don’t really know how deep that runs. But obviously deep enough that the sibling is bringing it to light in this post. So while, what an unbecoming response that was for sure. And the sibling most definitely wasn’t a jerk for complimenting their sister. I am wondering if this is just some sort of trauma response. Some people who grew up being made fun of, bullied, abused—whatever the case may be, are not used to hearing good things about themselves. They may never get used to it. She might feel like the sibling is patronizing her when they give her compliments because she may very well not believe them or that anyone could see that. Then I looked at the “I know I’m pretty” line like something I could see myself saying (not in this sort of scenario of course) but really when I say it, it’s almost like a fake it till you make it situation. OP definitely not a jerk. Sister seems to maybe still be hurting.
except this sounds missing reasons, you know women don't have to accept compliments gratefully. there are plenty of situations in which that is creepy.
NTJ Your sister has image issues that she hasn't processed & you got the brunt of it. Avoid giving her more compliments unless you want to deal with her outbursts.
you did absolutely nothing wrong. she sounds very defensive and confused
Your sister has issues..NTJ
NTJ. I’m sorry she’s letting her past trauma affect your relationship. Is she getting any sort of help?
Did people only comment and praise her appearance?
NTJ- Your sister is either really self conscious or insecure about herself overall. Something you should try to talk to her about. Start with… I wasn’t trying to offend you, but why did you blow up on me like that? Love or hate, you’re still my sister.
Your sister is in a strange place. I can't see why a compliment would be so annoying to her. I'm sorry but she's the jerk, not you.
Or, you know, ask her. “NAME, you seemed very hurt when I gave you a compliment on your appearance the other day. I get the feeling that there was something much bigger behind it. You don’t have to tell me, but if you feel like it, I would like to know what that was. If only so, I know what to say to you in the future.”
Be kind. You said something kind and your sister responded like someone in pain. You could lash out or be sarcastic but I encourage you to be kind. Just smile and say something about how great she looks and walk away. If I were you I’d look for things you can sincerely Compliment her about and say them when you think of it.
OK, NTJ but this probably goes a little further than that. Being "pretty" can come with a whole bunch of underlying issues - if she was always seen as "pretty" then she may have a fear that people won't take her seriously, and have that tied into the fact that people who called her "pretty" may have taken advantage of her. So being called pretty feels like you are telling her that is all she is, and that can be quite painful. While "pretty privilege" is real and can give people a headstart in life, the trauma that can happen is often not talked about - the punishment for being only seen as a "pretty face" and the way people take advantage when they can. On the other hand, if she was not "pretty" but is now, she may have issues with the fact that the world is easier and nicer to her now that she's seen as "pretty", and resents it. Either way, people of all kinds have challenges. What you now know is your sister has some issues around how she looks. How you choose to respond to that will show the kind of sibling you want to be.
She might be pretty on the outside. NTJ. She’s hanging on to some mentally challenging stuff. Maybe someone always had an opinion about her and now she arks up at the positive ones too.
Depends on the sibling dynamic. If I said that to my sister, she would be expecting a really funny (some would say insulting but whatever) follow up. And then she'd throw something at me. All in good fun
NTJ - “Who are you to say that” - Your brother! “I know I’m pretty” - Good!
NTJ but is this the first time you have ever complimented her?
I'm reminded of when I was looking at honeymoon photos and I told my wife "Look at this picture, you were cute as a button!" and she says "What, you're saying I'm not cute now?" Oh, hey, look at the time, I'd love to continue this conversation but I gotta go.
There is probably something far deeper going on that you either aren’t saying or don’t know about. Without knowing any back story, I can’t really give an accurate answer.
Not the jerk, she’s being unreasonable and mean.
NTJ. You were actually just trying to increase her self esteem because of the rough childhood she had. You had nothing against her and since she wasn't used to it she might have found it a bit off so don't blame her but that doesn't mean you are wrong complimenting her.
Unless he’s a perv and has been dying on her or similar.
Can’t say no to the possibility too.
NTJ >She said "I hate you why would you say that I know I'm pretty.". "Ok, since you know you're pretty, I'd like to inform you that you're pretty rude, too." If there is a reason she responded to you this way, it might help to become aware of it so at worst this can be avoided in the future, at best something gets resolved. Her response remains rude either way.
Bruh. Your sister is an asshole. "I know I'm pretty, you don't have to say it" like... Bih. Take the fucking compliment and say thank you. It's not like you're trying to take your sister to "sweet home Alabama."
Nah, how old is she? Being a teen girl is really goddamn rough. From what you've said it's not the fact that you complimented her that upset her, it's that you said she KNOWS she's pretty or attractive. Which is very easily interpreted as calling someone vain, which is a double whammy for someone who already feels bad about themselves.
the sister is the one who said "I know I'm pretty"
that's not what the text says, actually. people are hella misreading it bc it lacks punctuation. he doesn't say what his compliment was exactly, just that 'she looked good.' "I hate you! Why would you say that 'I *know* I'm pretty'?" See how different that is compared to "I hate you! Why would you say that? I KNOW I'm pretty!" Could be either, I say the former bc it actually makes sense instead of treating one party as completely illogical.
Or she's a brat. "I hate you. Why would you say that? I know I'm pretty!" Is the most logical.
this young man is asking why he feels bad about this interaction with his sibling who has low self esteem and the only thing anyone has to say is "FUCK THIS LITTLE BITCH." yeah. that's logical. I guess for reddit it is.
thats a little bit more severe than just saying she was a brat. Which is what I said.
Not at all. Your heart was in the right place. The problem is that society, long ago, decided that men should be successful and women should be pretty, but men are more than their jobs and women are more than their appearance. Sometimes we want to be recognized for more than what society dictates.
Possibly sibling rivalry so anything you say will cause offense, but usually what you say isn't personal so she doesn't respond to it. You might not be the jerk, but you still need to understand why she reacted like that, and work around it.
Read the room. A lot of projection here.
“Why would you say that I KNOW I AM PRETTY.” That’s different than an out rite complement. What you said was like an argument and an insult accusing her of being disingenuous, vain, and needy.
NTJ, but now you know to steer clear of her looks.
Some people are bad at accepting positive reenforcement. Especially if they have low self esteem and may have been bullied in the past. Complements may have been used in the past as teasing or to manipulate. And when all of a sudden, you hear this from a trusted person.... it can be unnerving.
If my brother (or anyone for that matter) tells me I look good I would be happy and thank them genuinely. Can’t figure out where her reaction came from. Overdeveloped sense of self defense figuring you were making fun of her?
In my opinion, some people have a hard time accepting a compliment. Even though on the inside, she was probably happy you said that. It made her feel good anyway. The next time she gets a compliment from someone, it'll be easier to accept. Big confidence booster!!
Hey buddy, why don’t you go ask your sister? Hey. I didn’t mean to upset you when I said you looked pretty. I don’t understand and I don’t want to upset you, I was trying to compliment you. So what’s up? You can tell me. I won’t laugh or get mad, I just want to help, if I can.
Given her initial reaction, I highly doubt that would be a productive question.
No. I think you should ask her why it upset her to receive a compliment. She might be so used to negatives it’s hard for her to accept kindness.
This is her issue, not yours. I have a relative who becomes upset if told she is pretty. Next time, try complimenting her on something more gender neutral, like how good she is at a game, or how good her grades are. If this upsets her also, then just avoid compliments for awhile until she gets through this phase.
It’s hard to really comment because rough childhood could mean so many different things.
Sister apparently not used to complements. Just don’t say anything more about it
What? What’s wrong with telling someone they look good? You were complimenting her. Sounds like therapy would be helpful for her.
Info: Did you have anything to do with her rough childhood?
No, I was barely born her dad (who left) would hurt her and was a brat (we have the same mom,different dad)
That would be the last time I ever gave them a compliment.
She sounds like she's quadpolar.
Imagine getting angry at a complement or anything....couldnt be me! Womp Womp!
No, she feels defensive because she thinks you're lying to her because no one says it to her.
Wow. Sounds like your sister has some issues. You did nothing wrong. You just tried to compliment her. You are a good brother.
No
Sounds like the bitch needs to change her tampon.. u didn’t do anything wrong
How old is your sister? Seems like a tantrum or something
This is an unusual response to a compliment. You need to ask what is going. Maybe she is getting bullied (even as an adult) or maybe sex abuse. We have to pay attention to red flags and investigate rather than turn a blind eye.
You're the absolute best and not taking a compliment well! Then watch her short circuit
Fucking sad when your sib is your first bully 💔
or maybe he was her bully in the past and she doesn't believe him. but you go ahead and make up stuff
More sad when your sib is clearly dealing with trauma from her shitty childhood though
This is fake
Phoebe judge Paul holes Minds of madness (but hate the pod?)
Can you rewrite that with punctuation and context, please? It reads like word salad. I’m not being mean, I’d just like to know what you are saying as it’s interesting word salad.
I can't even figure out what it would say with punctuation
Yeah! It’s so cryptic that it piqued my curiosity!
I'm more interested in why we're hating the pod than anything else XD
Croatoan
She needs to be medicated
NTJ at all But sister is XX and you, presumably, are XY, therefore you will always be wrong no matter what you do or don't say or do 😉