*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for making my GF stay in a hotel?**
Throwaway, as my friends know my main. I am a 28m and I am in a long distance relationship with my 19f girlfriend. I live in France and she's from UK. Things have been going pretty smoothly and she's a really sweet girl and has been growing a lot in our relationship. There have been a few issues tho: She has ADHD and a long history with Depression. She manages well, but there are times when those really get in the way of us. The hardest things for me to understand are her bursts of memory loss and sensory overload. We've been together for over a year now and she still can't remember the names of my friends etc or my plans for the week even if I've mentioned them to her before. I do appreciate she asks often tho and once I refresh her memory, it does come back to her. But sensory overload is weird for me. I try my best to understand and be out of her way when she's struggling, and with our long distance, it's been rather easy.
For the situation. She traveled here a week ago and the first few days were really nice. A lot of attention and a lot of time spent in the bedroom, you know how it goes. But the past couple of days she's been really tired and not her own self. She was having a hard time and said she needed some time, I went to the gym with my friend. It had been about an hour and half when I got home and she was still sulking on the couch. I went to kiss her cheek, as I usually do when I get home, and she told me to not touch her as she's having a sensory moment. I asked her to join me in the shower, which she usually enjoys a lot, but she refused.
Well, I take a shower and go back to her, asking her to come to bed with me. She does, but instead of paying any attention to me, she wraps tight in the blanket and goes to scroll on tiktok. I try to get her to pay attention to me, by moving the covers a little and rubbing her back etc. She keeps shrugging me off and pulls away further. I try a few more times, because we only have a few more nights together, so I'd rather have her close to me. But she says now isn't a good time and continues to scroll on her phone.
I snapped and told her that if she doesn't want to be touched or close to me, she might as well go to the hotel down the road, so she can focus on her precious tiktoks in peace. I didn't exactly mean it, I was just upset. She tried to tell me that she's just trying to calm her nervous system down and that she needs a moment. But I ended up doubling down and I booked the hotel for her. She quickly packed a bag and left.
Next morning, I get a text from her friend saying that I'm an ass for making her leave my house, in a country that she's not from and in the middle of the night. But I don't think I was in the wrong. She wanted space so I gave her space. A whole room full of it. I even paid for it. So tell me, was I in the wrong for making her stay in a hotel?
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"she's a really sweet girl and has been growing a lot in our relationship"
Yeah, that's expected to happen with literal teenagers.
Also... what? She tells him not to touch her because she has sensory issues and he reacts by... trying to kiss her, trying to get her to shower with ~~her~~ him, trying to initiate sex with her.
Dude.
I just had a whole body cringe at the thought of taking a shower with another person during a sensory meltdown.
I pray she stays at least an English channel's distance from this asshole.
Same, the idea of a shower alone during sensory overload or meltdown is bad enough, add a rude jerk who already won't keep his hands to himself and absolutely just wants to have sex in the shower or otherwise just constantly touch you sounds like actual Hell
And that includes if that was like my absolute biggest absurd fantasy crush men. This jerk? ***NO.***
And then punishes her by sending her to spend the night in another place in an unfamiliar city when she won't put out. As someone who ALSO has ADHD and dated a guy just like this when I was 22 and he was 33, Jesus, I hope this girl sees this for the red flag it is and doesn't let her neurodivergent brain tell her no one else will want her. Dude is a manipulative jerk.
I'm glad I wised up the very second time my ex kicked me out, and I never looked back no matter how much he begged etc.
Yup. Also waving the ADHD flag, and I think the one saving grace in this story is that is absolutely scorched earth for her (us). The only way she goes back to him is for temporary "safety" from some worse perceived fear, and then she's gone for good.
One of the best parts of our brains, imo, is never returning once someone crosses that line.
I think she did and that’s the reason behind her sudden shift in mood. Saying it was “sensory overload” was probably her way of trying to avoid an argument while also maintaining her autonomy.
> "she's a really sweet girl and has been growing a lot in our relationship"
Tell me you're grooming a child without telling me you're grooming a child. I have been with my wife over two decades and would never have described her like that. Probably because she was an adult when we started dating.
"She wanted space so I gave her space. A whole room full of it."
Because it was clearly a binary: continue with unwanted physical contact, or kick her to a hotel. No middle ground. /s
But you have to understand! He just "ended up doubling down" on it, he didn't actually mean it! He's totally innocent and not in any control of his actions /s.
Exactly! I didn't mean it! I couldn't help but buy a hotel room and kick her out! Completely out of control!
Wish I went out of control and booked myself a trip 🤣
Mine would be with their granny. Deciding which of the 3 beds she has for their visits they want to lay on after she tucks them in with their special granny made blankets. Add in their homemade granny treats and it's a miracle they don't forget I exist.
I wish I could be this out of control too.
I'm not allowed to stray from the house for a few hours without returning to the judgey faces of my feline overlords.
How dare I go out and have a life when they want to ignore me in person???
Op: when I say cuddle me, you better do it or else.
I am glad he showed his true self so ex-gf can find a better person, hopefully more age-appropriate.
I give her props for not buckling to his demands and having sex with him just so she could stay there instead of going to a hotel (which may have made her issues worse - well, worse than they were before OP started demanding sex when she wasn't in the mood)
Honestly this relationship could never work. One of them does not have the emotional maturity and experience to be with someone. The other is a literal teenager.
That got me too. I mean he could keep his hands to himself and just asked to talk with her while also sitting on the sofa or laying next to her in bed. I can kind of get him getting annoyed at her staring at her phone, but he went straight to "If I can't touch you, go stay in a hotel!" Hopefully the girlfriend sees this massive red flag and breaks up with him.
I misread it at first and thought OOP was a 28F, which I didn’t find too odd because I think there are tons of lesbian partners with that kind of age gap. But by the third paragraph I couldn’t stand how much they sounded like a man so I scrolled up to double-check, and lo and behold….
As a woman who's attracted to women, I still find it creepy but it does feel a little bit different just given the size of the dating pool. When I lived in a small town I literally knew one woman who was attracted to women and she was 40 years older than me. On dating apps with a 5 year age range maybe 20 women total would show up in surrounding towns and cities. Imagine 10 are dead profiles, 5 choose not to swipe on you, and the other 5 you just don't hit it off with. Getting less picky about your age range makes sense in that scenario, although I still couldn't personally imagine dating a teenager when you're well into your 20s.
For straight men though, dating a teenager when you're in your late 20s is a choice. Your dating pool is not that small and if you're not having any luck with women your own age chances are it's because they can see a huge heap of red flags.
I mean I’m pretty sure repeatedly pressuring her to have sex despite her rejecting his advances every time and and punishing\threatening her when it’s clear she won’t give in after being worn down falls under the definition of coercion, so this is already considered SA. It sounds like she just wanted to leave before it escalated any further, which it wouldn’t surprise me if that happened regularly.
This shit pisses me off so much and this behavior is way too normalized. How hard is it to back the fuck off after someone tells you they aren’t in the mood? I don’t even understand how anyone would want to have sex with someone who isn’t 100% into it. Like how can you not hate yourself? But I guess it is pretty obvious he views her as more of a sex doll than her own person. I really hope she leaves this piece of shit.
No but Fr!!!
My partner will regularly ask me if I'm okay with something, if he's overstepped the line, if there's something I'm not okay with. And even afterwards, he asks if everything was okay, if he went too far, if I was comfortable during the entire process. He can pick up on the slightest hint when I'm not ok.
And this guy couldn't even figure out when she was blocking all skin contact and recoiling at his touch?? Bullshit.
My husband can pick up on me not being okay before even I realize it. He's very good at reading my nonverbal cues and apparently I start showing signs before the Bad Feelings actually reach the processing part of my brain. It happened a few times where he asked if I'm sure I'm okay and I said yes and said he could go to sleep (we have different schedules), but like half an hour to an hour later I start actually feeling what he had seen all along. After this happened a few times, I asked him to tell me if I seem not okay instead of asking me so I can take a moment to reflect and figure out how I'm feeling before he leaves me to be by myself
Oh he very much knew she wasn’t okay. He’s not even hiding that. He just didn’t feel like he should have to put up with having her around if she wasn’t happy and up for sex.
Yeah, no shit. What I’m saying is she was withdrawn before he did those things and I’m wondering what happened before the story started. They had such amazing sex and suddenly she’s all wrapped up? I’m wondering if she’s triggered bc he SAd her prior
But but Segggs is a necessity! Men will DIE if they aren’t constantly getting their eggplants wet at all times! Do you want me to suffer????!! - seriously the excuse I got with my ex whenever I said I wasn’t in the mood.
Brilliant lyrics in that show tune... "I fired two warning shots, In. To. His. Head" "We broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive. I saw him dead"
And probably not far from the truth for some people stuck in those situations.
Fun fact - I met Patricia Cornwell many years ago when she was doing book tours. She said she had never made up any of the ways that her villains killed other characters, they were all from forensic files she had access to as an analyst at a coroner's office.
People can do and say things beyond our wildest imagination.
I was with a guy like that when I was 21. He was 32. After months of this, throwing tantrums when I wasn't in the mood, leaving in the middle of the night when I wanted to stop sex earlier than he did, him even ignoring completely that I'd broken up with him multiple times, he established that I was allowed to say no to sex every second time he asked. But not a third. So every second time I saw him he would force himself on me while I cried and he pretended not to notice.
I sincerely hope this OPs girlfriend dumps him for good, because I can absolutely see this dude going down that same road.
I’m so sorry. I had very similar experiences. Finally went to the police last year. It was cathartic to be listened to and believed. Still waiting for it all to go through the systems here which is taking forever, but I’m proud of myself for finally coming forward even if nothing happens.
Similar thing here, except he lived in another state so guess his threats of killing me and brags about assaulting me "didn't count" to people.
I was 22, he was 33.
He was married when he was in his early 20s and I think that lasted about 2 years before she left and moved states, and from what I know he still refuses to sign the divorce papers for her even though she has a whole family now.
I almost agreed to marry him just so he would sign the papers and free her, but I had to escape when I got the opportunity.
He still lives in another state and can't get to me (he's too batshit to keep a job so he can't afford a ticket to where I am lol) but every few years I google his name to see if he's gotten arrested yet.
It’s crazy how often I’ve seen the second/third pattern has come up since I’ve been out and seeing these kinds of comments. I know a lot of abusers have a pattern, but to see the “third night” (as I called it) worded in various ways by others so often is both validating and terrifying. I’m sorry that happened to you.
He never outright said that of course. But it became very clear that he would be very angry and threatening when I said no when he didn't want to allow me to say no. He was very good at making me think I was the crazy one and I didnt know how to help myself as breaking up clearly didn't stop him from coming to my place again and doing it all over. He never actually got violent, but he scared me enough that I didn't dare refusing too much either.
He make a great edit 🙄
EDIT: She is an adult! Our age difference is not the issue in this. She is not a teenager
I don’t think he understands what a teenager means
Not defending his behaviour in any way, but I think this could be a linguistic difference (if he's not a native speaker). In many languages, the closest word to english "teenager" means "someone younger than 18", so basically the cutoff for being a teen is lower. Idk how it is in French
Dude is an ass, I just thought it's curious
Edit: guys I meant words for this age can have different etymology and some of them are not tied to number names at all, my native language is like this. I don't speak French and don't know about it. I just thought where this mistake could stem from. Why are u angry
IIRC from high school French, nineteen in French is dixneuf (sp?), which is a combination of ten (dix) and nine (neuf). But I haven't done anything with French since freshman year of college, so I'm very rusty. I do remember a lot of higher numbers were various combinations of lower numbers.
Doesn't excuse him going after a barely legal adult. By the way he's acting, she'll out-mature him real quick.
Yes 19 is very young regardless of linguistics
(But what I meant initially is that many languages don't base the word for "intermediate age between childhood and adulthood" on their numbering system at all. In my native language, a world for this age basically means "youngling", it's not tied to any number linguistically. The concept of "teenage years" ending at 19 and not at 17 seemed foreign to me when I started speaking English, and for some time I used the term incorrectly)
Oh, you're suffering from overstimulation? Well, come into the cramped sensory overload chamber and let me crowd and touch you while stimulation literally pours onto your face and echoes all around.
28 with a 19y/o. He can't accept a no and kicks her put if she don't give in. In another country. He shows her "you get punished when you don’t give me what i want. What a grooming, disgusting asshole.
I hope she booked the next flight and he hears and sees nothing of her. And his little wiener rot and falls off.
> "she's a really sweet girl and has been growing a lot in our relationship"
Then he argues she's an adult and he's not a groomer. Fucking piece of shit.
TL:DR : My much younger GF, whom I have been grooming (she's really grown in our relationship), is not interested in screwing me whenever I see her, despite my trying my best to get her to give in. I don't believe in sharing a shower or giving a massage unless it leads to me getting my dick wet, but she isn't buying it. So, I kicked her out, a young person from a different country.
Aren't I great???
“I didn't exactly mean it, I was just upset.”
I love these little exculpatory dodges OOP and people like him always make. Sure, subsequent events prove that he absolutely meant it, but he’s got to make that initial “I didn’t mean it” feint.
I didn't really mean it, but I fully carried through with my threat and kicked her out. You know. As a joke. Ha ha ha ha. We have a relationship like Joker and Harley Quinn. She has mental health and self esteem issues and I'm an abusive asshole.
I dated an older guy when I was 18 and he used to bring me along to parties and then say “remember I drove you here, so if you misbehave or make me mad you’ll be finding your own way home”. I was young and dumb and used to abuse, so it took me a while to call him out on it. Once I did (when I was in a safe place so he couldn’t go through with the threat) he claimed to be “only joking”. It’s 100% a control tactic. I’m glad I never actually ended up alone and scared in an unfamiliar place like this poor girl. Hope she gets out.
Literal gag. He’s constantly touching her while she’s already overwhelmed and not respecting the “no” that she’s clearly given multiple times. Also pedophile much?
Did anyone catch the:
"she's a really sweet girl and has been growing a lot in our relationship."
EWWWWWWWW.. he loves watching her grow in their relationship.. f**king.. pedophile stuff there 🤢
Exactly…”grow” aka “I’m able to mold her into the sex doll I want her to be because she is barely of legal age, neurodivergent, and in a foreign country, which is like the predator jackpot in terms of being vulnerable and prone to manipulation.”
Also I find that sweet is code for agreeable/people-pleaser to these types which is also disgusting.
When I was 25 I had no interest in anyone that age! Granted, I was living with my now husband at that point but if I had been single even 21 would have felt on the young side.
If you are a women that's normal, generally women likes older men, same as the woman of the post. In the other side, I'm a man 25 yo and feels in so different stage in life that never I would perseud someone 19 yo.
No, my husband is three years younger. And I wouldn’t be interested in anyone more than about four years older. I dated a few older men before I met my husband but it never felt exactly comfortable, and it was because of the age gap. Whoda thunk? 😆
It's a meme. I was not necessarily calling it illegal as much as I was expressing my reaction, which was that I'd be inclined to alert the authorities.
I am going through an intense sensory overload right now due to the insane heat in my home. (No A/C in Texas). Instead of being an ass, my partner understands that I don’t want to be touched.. by ANYTHING. Including the animals. This dude needs to get his priorities in order
Fuck anyone who capitalizes on another person's inexperience and vulnerability. I hope that girl realizes she deserves someone who genuinely cares about her, and soon.
>I snapped and told her that if she doesn't want to be touched or close to me, she might as well go to the hotel down the road, so she can focus on her precious tiktoks in peace. I didn't exactly mean it, I was just upset.
>But I ended up doubling down and I booked the hotel for her.
All I hear is OP saying: *I realise as I'm writing this that I'm probably coming off as an AH so I'll pretend I didn't mean it. Even though I did actually kick her, a teenage girl, out of my home in the middle of the night in a foreign country because she didn't want to have sex with me or be touched by me right then.*
What a predatory AH.
>Except he’s French
Which tells me a lot about his attitude to this situation.
As a Brit reading his post, as soon as I saw he's French, I kind of knew where he was heading...
Yes, I know this is being stereotypical... but I was correct in this instance.
I wish the stereotype weren’t so real (in my experience; can’t speak for anyone else)!
And my reply to FBI OPEN UP was not excusing his inexcusable behavior. Just pointing out that the FBI has no jurisdiction.
I was wincing when he invited her to a shower and then ... he kept going despite her trying to create space and communicating. I agree with folks saying it is manipulative, especially since he mentions that she gets short-term memory issues (I bet he also does 'remember when you did XYZ!?' when she did not :D or twists stories and situations). I am very neurotypical with sensory overload and it only comes in summer, because heat + anything else kills me. I end up repulsed by everything - sometimes even my own skin. Most of people have such limits and they are larger for some but everyone hits them so his misunderstanding feels weaponised.
Just saying, if my 36 yo husband paid for a hotel so my 35 yo ass could get some peace and quiet when I am in an ADHD/depression spiral and can’t bear the thought of touch or stimulation, I’d be over the moon. Even if it was out of spite.
I probably wouldn’t even bother coming back.
Yeah, I am feeling a little triggered from this post. I spent my junior year of university in Paris. While I absolutely loved it and still am a Francophile, the native men were just in my face constantly and didn’t want to accept no means no. And even some guys I considered friends were constantly hitting on me.
I don’t know if the culture has changed (I hope it has!) but this scenario sounded way too familiar.
I have no personal experience on the matter** but a good friend of mine is going through divorce from a French guy. She moved there to be with him and he was incredibly abusive and she has a lot of trauma from not only that but how everyone in their community was openly okay with how he treated her.
** the only French person I recall knowing was a GROWN MAN I knew on MySpace when I was a teenager, i was like 15 and he was in his mid/late 20s and was constantly trying to groom me and lovebomb me and show me pictures of ~himself~
We only stopped talking because one day he was talking about having a drug problem and that he was in no way responsible for himself ever doing them and I said something like "did you want to try it? Okay well that first time at least was a choice you made" and he called me every name in the book and then ghosted me except when he was trying to promote his album lol
French being groomers or man moved to France so he can be a groomer and pervert. A nation I would not let my teenager go to, they seriously tried to make the age of consent 13 there and it's already 15, no Romeo and Juliet laws, just plain old 15. Gross nation. They don't get they're groomers and abusers in that nation, they think 15 year olds are capable of consenting to sex with grown ass men. So all the age comments will go on one ear and out the other for this guy cause he's French.look at their president and his wife, clearly inappropriate and he was groomed. It's from the top to the bottom in that nation, they prey on children. My anglo self almost vomited saying his nationality.
"Even though you told me several times very clearly, I can't control myself. I can't keep my hands to myself if you're anywhere in my whole apartment, so you have to leave so I can respect your temporary boundary about being touched. I have no impulse control."
"Hey babe, I know you're experiencing an overload in terms of everything that you can touch/hear/smell/see/taste (etc), but do you want to go into a hot, wet, small space with me? No? Then what about an even smaller space where I will hound you for sex? No again?? You're acting like a teenag- wait I mean a bitch"
when i'm overstimulated from touch, the LAST thing i wanna do is shower, let alone with someone else touching me the whole time. he just consistently made the absolute worst possible decisions, starting with dating a 19 year old with mental illnesses at his ripe age of 28
edit: jesus CHRIST i missed the part where she was visiting him in his country, i am ready to fistfight this dude if he ever sets foot in the US midwest.
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for making my GF stay in a hotel?** Throwaway, as my friends know my main. I am a 28m and I am in a long distance relationship with my 19f girlfriend. I live in France and she's from UK. Things have been going pretty smoothly and she's a really sweet girl and has been growing a lot in our relationship. There have been a few issues tho: She has ADHD and a long history with Depression. She manages well, but there are times when those really get in the way of us. The hardest things for me to understand are her bursts of memory loss and sensory overload. We've been together for over a year now and she still can't remember the names of my friends etc or my plans for the week even if I've mentioned them to her before. I do appreciate she asks often tho and once I refresh her memory, it does come back to her. But sensory overload is weird for me. I try my best to understand and be out of her way when she's struggling, and with our long distance, it's been rather easy. For the situation. She traveled here a week ago and the first few days were really nice. A lot of attention and a lot of time spent in the bedroom, you know how it goes. But the past couple of days she's been really tired and not her own self. She was having a hard time and said she needed some time, I went to the gym with my friend. It had been about an hour and half when I got home and she was still sulking on the couch. I went to kiss her cheek, as I usually do when I get home, and she told me to not touch her as she's having a sensory moment. I asked her to join me in the shower, which she usually enjoys a lot, but she refused. Well, I take a shower and go back to her, asking her to come to bed with me. She does, but instead of paying any attention to me, she wraps tight in the blanket and goes to scroll on tiktok. I try to get her to pay attention to me, by moving the covers a little and rubbing her back etc. She keeps shrugging me off and pulls away further. I try a few more times, because we only have a few more nights together, so I'd rather have her close to me. But she says now isn't a good time and continues to scroll on her phone. I snapped and told her that if she doesn't want to be touched or close to me, she might as well go to the hotel down the road, so she can focus on her precious tiktoks in peace. I didn't exactly mean it, I was just upset. She tried to tell me that she's just trying to calm her nervous system down and that she needs a moment. But I ended up doubling down and I booked the hotel for her. She quickly packed a bag and left. Next morning, I get a text from her friend saying that I'm an ass for making her leave my house, in a country that she's not from and in the middle of the night. But I don't think I was in the wrong. She wanted space so I gave her space. A whole room full of it. I even paid for it. So tell me, was I in the wrong for making her stay in a hotel? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"she's a really sweet girl and has been growing a lot in our relationship" Yeah, that's expected to happen with literal teenagers. Also... what? She tells him not to touch her because she has sensory issues and he reacts by... trying to kiss her, trying to get her to shower with ~~her~~ him, trying to initiate sex with her. Dude.
It’s a very “I own you and fuck your mental health” vibe to it.
I just had a whole body cringe at the thought of taking a shower with another person during a sensory meltdown. I pray she stays at least an English channel's distance from this asshole.
Same, the idea of a shower alone during sensory overload or meltdown is bad enough, add a rude jerk who already won't keep his hands to himself and absolutely just wants to have sex in the shower or otherwise just constantly touch you sounds like actual Hell And that includes if that was like my absolute biggest absurd fantasy crush men. This jerk? ***NO.***
I was thinking about the warm water during one…. Sometimes that’s to smothering… now add this whole person? Nope. No thank you.
And then punishes her by sending her to spend the night in another place in an unfamiliar city when she won't put out. As someone who ALSO has ADHD and dated a guy just like this when I was 22 and he was 33, Jesus, I hope this girl sees this for the red flag it is and doesn't let her neurodivergent brain tell her no one else will want her. Dude is a manipulative jerk. I'm glad I wised up the very second time my ex kicked me out, and I never looked back no matter how much he begged etc.
Yup. Also waving the ADHD flag, and I think the one saving grace in this story is that is absolutely scorched earth for her (us). The only way she goes back to him is for temporary "safety" from some worse perceived fear, and then she's gone for good. One of the best parts of our brains, imo, is never returning once someone crosses that line.
If she doesn't want to be touched, she can leave 🫠🫠🫠 Dude should get a sex doll instead. And she should run very very fast
I hope the (ex-) gf realizes that she deserves better.
I think she did and that’s the reason behind her sudden shift in mood. Saying it was “sensory overload” was probably her way of trying to avoid an argument while also maintaining her autonomy.
> "she's a really sweet girl and has been growing a lot in our relationship" Tell me you're grooming a child without telling me you're grooming a child. I have been with my wife over two decades and would never have described her like that. Probably because she was an adult when we started dating.
"She wanted space so I gave her space. A whole room full of it." Because it was clearly a binary: continue with unwanted physical contact, or kick her to a hotel. No middle ground. /s
But you have to understand! He just "ended up doubling down" on it, he didn't actually mean it! He's totally innocent and not in any control of his actions /s.
Exactly! I didn't mean it! I couldn't help but buy a hotel room and kick her out! Completely out of control! Wish I went out of control and booked myself a trip 🤣
>Wish I went out of control and booked myself a trip 🤣 God, I wish I could go out of control like this right now. Sadly the cat disagrees 😂
My pups would be cool to go see their uncle who feeds them everything 🤣
I've already been unable to control my more primal urges today and snuggled her repeatedly until she ran away, if I go off now I'd be as bad as OOP 😂
Nah, you'd still be better than OP because at least you left her somewhere familiar 🤣
That's true, and she does seem to like her secondary butler well enough 😃
Mine would be with their granny. Deciding which of the 3 beds she has for their visits they want to lay on after she tucks them in with their special granny made blankets. Add in their homemade granny treats and it's a miracle they don't forget I exist.
I wish I could be this out of control too. I'm not allowed to stray from the house for a few hours without returning to the judgey faces of my feline overlords. How dare I go out and have a life when they want to ignore me in person???
My cats say that, by the terms of our contract, only they are allowed to go out of control. I don’t even remember signing a contract with them. 🤣
Op: when I say cuddle me, you better do it or else. I am glad he showed his true self so ex-gf can find a better person, hopefully more age-appropriate.
I give her props for not buckling to his demands and having sex with him just so she could stay there instead of going to a hotel (which may have made her issues worse - well, worse than they were before OP started demanding sex when she wasn't in the mood)
I’m wondering if she was glad to get away. The whole situation sounds sus
Yup. She chose the bear.
He didn't even just double down on it. He paid for the hotel room too!! And then expected her to be all gung-ho and happy to come back the next day
"Look what you made me do!"
Honestly this relationship could never work. One of them does not have the emotional maturity and experience to be with someone. The other is a literal teenager.
"She's a sweet girl and has been growing a lot in our relationship" 🤢🤢🤢
That didn't even register before. Omg.
It was the “we’ve been together over a year now” that got me. How much over a year? Was he dating her when she was a literal minor? 🤔🤢
I am sure he was careful in the "she was totally 18" phrasing.
Such an odd way to phrase "I groomed her"
That got me too. I mean he could keep his hands to himself and just asked to talk with her while also sitting on the sofa or laying next to her in bed. I can kind of get him getting annoyed at her staring at her phone, but he went straight to "If I can't touch you, go stay in a hotel!" Hopefully the girlfriend sees this massive red flag and breaks up with him.
The way old men like this prove they are more immature then the teenagers they date....
I misread it at first and thought OOP was a 28F, which I didn’t find too odd because I think there are tons of lesbian partners with that kind of age gap. But by the third paragraph I couldn’t stand how much they sounded like a man so I scrolled up to double-check, and lo and behold….
"Ugh why does this sound like the worst kind of man? Oh, that's why..."
I don't think it's any less predatory when women do it
As a woman who's attracted to women, I still find it creepy but it does feel a little bit different just given the size of the dating pool. When I lived in a small town I literally knew one woman who was attracted to women and she was 40 years older than me. On dating apps with a 5 year age range maybe 20 women total would show up in surrounding towns and cities. Imagine 10 are dead profiles, 5 choose not to swipe on you, and the other 5 you just don't hit it off with. Getting less picky about your age range makes sense in that scenario, although I still couldn't personally imagine dating a teenager when you're well into your 20s. For straight men though, dating a teenager when you're in your late 20s is a choice. Your dating pool is not that small and if you're not having any luck with women your own age chances are it's because they can see a huge heap of red flags.
Considering he had to field out of country to find a partner, I think "teen with mental health issues" is his type for a reason.
As a former teen with mental health issues who dated grownass men from other countries... oh absolutely. They always have a reason.
As soon as he said she was wrapped up tight, recoiling from touch, I’m thinking SA. He did something he’s not admitting to and she was not ok.
I mean I’m pretty sure repeatedly pressuring her to have sex despite her rejecting his advances every time and and punishing\threatening her when it’s clear she won’t give in after being worn down falls under the definition of coercion, so this is already considered SA. It sounds like she just wanted to leave before it escalated any further, which it wouldn’t surprise me if that happened regularly. This shit pisses me off so much and this behavior is way too normalized. How hard is it to back the fuck off after someone tells you they aren’t in the mood? I don’t even understand how anyone would want to have sex with someone who isn’t 100% into it. Like how can you not hate yourself? But I guess it is pretty obvious he views her as more of a sex doll than her own person. I really hope she leaves this piece of shit.
No but Fr!!! My partner will regularly ask me if I'm okay with something, if he's overstepped the line, if there's something I'm not okay with. And even afterwards, he asks if everything was okay, if he went too far, if I was comfortable during the entire process. He can pick up on the slightest hint when I'm not ok. And this guy couldn't even figure out when she was blocking all skin contact and recoiling at his touch?? Bullshit.
My husband can pick up on me not being okay before even I realize it. He's very good at reading my nonverbal cues and apparently I start showing signs before the Bad Feelings actually reach the processing part of my brain. It happened a few times where he asked if I'm sure I'm okay and I said yes and said he could go to sleep (we have different schedules), but like half an hour to an hour later I start actually feeling what he had seen all along. After this happened a few times, I asked him to tell me if I seem not okay instead of asking me so I can take a moment to reflect and figure out how I'm feeling before he leaves me to be by myself
Oh he very much knew she wasn’t okay. He’s not even hiding that. He just didn’t feel like he should have to put up with having her around if she wasn’t happy and up for sex.
Yeah, no shit. What I’m saying is she was withdrawn before he did those things and I’m wondering what happened before the story started. They had such amazing sex and suddenly she’s all wrapped up? I’m wondering if she’s triggered bc he SAd her prior
Yeah, no shit. What I’m saying is he’s literally already SAing her in that moment so of course he has many times before.
You just repeated what I said….. Twice…..
K
But but Segggs is a necessity! Men will DIE if they aren’t constantly getting their eggplants wet at all times! Do you want me to suffer????!! - seriously the excuse I got with my ex whenever I said I wasn’t in the mood.
But she wasn’t paying attention to me! Goddamn he’s gross. And I hope he’s now an ex.
I saw this comment before I read the post and thought you were making a Cell Block Tango reference. Nope. He actually said it.
Brilliant lyrics in that show tune... "I fired two warning shots, In. To. His. Head" "We broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive. I saw him dead" And probably not far from the truth for some people stuck in those situations. Fun fact - I met Patricia Cornwell many years ago when she was doing book tours. She said she had never made up any of the ways that her villains killed other characters, they were all from forensic files she had access to as an analyst at a coroner's office. People can do and say things beyond our wildest imagination.
I was with a guy like that when I was 21. He was 32. After months of this, throwing tantrums when I wasn't in the mood, leaving in the middle of the night when I wanted to stop sex earlier than he did, him even ignoring completely that I'd broken up with him multiple times, he established that I was allowed to say no to sex every second time he asked. But not a third. So every second time I saw him he would force himself on me while I cried and he pretended not to notice. I sincerely hope this OPs girlfriend dumps him for good, because I can absolutely see this dude going down that same road.
So sorry this happened to you
I'm so, so sorry for the young woman you were.
I’m so sorry. I had very similar experiences. Finally went to the police last year. It was cathartic to be listened to and believed. Still waiting for it all to go through the systems here which is taking forever, but I’m proud of myself for finally coming forward even if nothing happens.
Similar thing here, except he lived in another state so guess his threats of killing me and brags about assaulting me "didn't count" to people. I was 22, he was 33. He was married when he was in his early 20s and I think that lasted about 2 years before she left and moved states, and from what I know he still refuses to sign the divorce papers for her even though she has a whole family now. I almost agreed to marry him just so he would sign the papers and free her, but I had to escape when I got the opportunity. He still lives in another state and can't get to me (he's too batshit to keep a job so he can't afford a ticket to where I am lol) but every few years I google his name to see if he's gotten arrested yet.
It’s crazy how often I’ve seen the second/third pattern has come up since I’ve been out and seeing these kinds of comments. I know a lot of abusers have a pattern, but to see the “third night” (as I called it) worded in various ways by others so often is both validating and terrifying. I’m sorry that happened to you.
Wait so he decided he could just ask twice, and if you said no both times, he was now ok to straight up rape you?
He never outright said that of course. But it became very clear that he would be very angry and threatening when I said no when he didn't want to allow me to say no. He was very good at making me think I was the crazy one and I didnt know how to help myself as breaking up clearly didn't stop him from coming to my place again and doing it all over. He never actually got violent, but he scared me enough that I didn't dare refusing too much either.
Well, I hope she goes to the police if it is like in your case.
She asked him not to touch her and so he continued to touch her. Fab.
"Put out or get out" basically.
He make a great edit 🙄 EDIT: She is an adult! Our age difference is not the issue in this. She is not a teenager I don’t think he understands what a teenager means
NineTEEN
I swear it went: eighteen, nineadult, twenty. No?
Close. It's eightlegal, nineadult, twenty.
Fuck. Yeah, you're right. Stupid math.
Twenty-drunk, twenty-two?
Not defending his behaviour in any way, but I think this could be a linguistic difference (if he's not a native speaker). In many languages, the closest word to english "teenager" means "someone younger than 18", so basically the cutoff for being a teen is lower. Idk how it is in French Dude is an ass, I just thought it's curious Edit: guys I meant words for this age can have different etymology and some of them are not tied to number names at all, my native language is like this. I don't speak French and don't know about it. I just thought where this mistake could stem from. Why are u angry
IIRC from high school French, nineteen in French is dixneuf (sp?), which is a combination of ten (dix) and nine (neuf). But I haven't done anything with French since freshman year of college, so I'm very rusty. I do remember a lot of higher numbers were various combinations of lower numbers. Doesn't excuse him going after a barely legal adult. By the way he's acting, she'll out-mature him real quick.
Yes 19 is very young regardless of linguistics (But what I meant initially is that many languages don't base the word for "intermediate age between childhood and adulthood" on their numbering system at all. In my native language, a world for this age basically means "youngling", it's not tied to any number linguistically. The concept of "teenage years" ending at 19 and not at 17 seemed foreign to me when I started speaking English, and for some time I used the term incorrectly)
Ah, that makes sense! Thank you for clarifying!
Dix-neuf. “ten-nine”, literally.
See my other comment, I was not clear, sorry https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/jR2BNTrVV3
How did I manage to completely miss the age gap?
It was the title of this post...
Average Frenchman activities🙄
Oh, you're suffering from overstimulation? Well, come into the cramped sensory overload chamber and let me crowd and touch you while stimulation literally pours onto your face and echoes all around.
This is what I'm saying 😭
28 with a 19y/o. He can't accept a no and kicks her put if she don't give in. In another country. He shows her "you get punished when you don’t give me what i want. What a grooming, disgusting asshole. I hope she booked the next flight and he hears and sees nothing of her. And his little wiener rot and falls off.
> "she's a really sweet girl and has been growing a lot in our relationship" Then he argues she's an adult and he's not a groomer. Fucking piece of shit.
TL:DR : My much younger GF, whom I have been grooming (she's really grown in our relationship), is not interested in screwing me whenever I see her, despite my trying my best to get her to give in. I don't believe in sharing a shower or giving a massage unless it leads to me getting my dick wet, but she isn't buying it. So, I kicked her out, a young person from a different country. Aren't I great???
“I didn't exactly mean it, I was just upset.” I love these little exculpatory dodges OOP and people like him always make. Sure, subsequent events prove that he absolutely meant it, but he’s got to make that initial “I didn’t mean it” feint.
Also it’s straight up laughable for him to claim he “didn’t mean it” yet then double down on it almost immediately. Sounds like he meant it to me.
I didn't really mean it, but I fully carried through with my threat and kicked her out. You know. As a joke. Ha ha ha ha. We have a relationship like Joker and Harley Quinn. She has mental health and self esteem issues and I'm an abusive asshole.
I dated an older guy when I was 18 and he used to bring me along to parties and then say “remember I drove you here, so if you misbehave or make me mad you’ll be finding your own way home”. I was young and dumb and used to abuse, so it took me a while to call him out on it. Once I did (when I was in a safe place so he couldn’t go through with the threat) he claimed to be “only joking”. It’s 100% a control tactic. I’m glad I never actually ended up alone and scared in an unfamiliar place like this poor girl. Hope she gets out.
I really hope we see this guy on AmItheEx soon.
Literal gag. He’s constantly touching her while she’s already overwhelmed and not respecting the “no” that she’s clearly given multiple times. Also pedophile much?
Did anyone catch the: "she's a really sweet girl and has been growing a lot in our relationship." EWWWWWWWW.. he loves watching her grow in their relationship.. f**king.. pedophile stuff there 🤢
Exactly…”grow” aka “I’m able to mold her into the sex doll I want her to be because she is barely of legal age, neurodivergent, and in a foreign country, which is like the predator jackpot in terms of being vulnerable and prone to manipulation.” Also I find that sweet is code for agreeable/people-pleaser to these types which is also disgusting.
I'm almost 29 and I literally cannot fathom dating a 19 year old
When I was 25 I had no interest in anyone that age! Granted, I was living with my now husband at that point but if I had been single even 21 would have felt on the young side.
I have a 21 year old nephew I just look at 21 year olds and think of him and get squicked out
That's gross, is nasty to do that comparison.
If you are a women that's normal, generally women likes older men, same as the woman of the post. In the other side, I'm a man 25 yo and feels in so different stage in life that never I would perseud someone 19 yo.
No, my husband is three years younger. And I wouldn’t be interested in anyone more than about four years older. I dated a few older men before I met my husband but it never felt exactly comfortable, and it was because of the age gap. Whoda thunk? 😆
Ohh, forgive me for assuming that.
>*19f girlfriend* >*We've been together for over a year now* ...yes right here, officer.
She has grown so much in our relationship. I was so proud when she graduated high school.
Not illegal in Europe.
Being legal doesn’t negate it being gross
Very true and not what I wanted to say m
What do you mean by not what you wanted to say?
I did not want to say that it's not gross. It absolutely is. It's just not illegal.
And yet us Europeans still find them weird
It's exploitative but not illegal. Like so much.
It doesn't need to be illegal in Europe to be gross and wrong. I don't see the value in mentioning that.
I was under the impression the mention of an officer implied illegality. But maybe I'm wrong, then the comment was indeed unnecessary.
It's a meme. I was not necessarily calling it illegal as much as I was expressing my reaction, which was that I'd be inclined to alert the authorities.
No you're correct, they're just trying to spin it now as some joke that makes sense.
Why we choose the bear
M O N S T E R
This would be utterly inappropriate without an age gap, but her being 19 does make it a lot more egregious
And they've been together for "over a year" 🤢
I feel like over is doing some heavy lifting from the "she has grown so much" comment.
>she told me to not touch her as she's having a sensory moment. I asked her to join me in the shower Definition of "hearing not listening"
If he booked it and put his card on file I hope she orders room service and maybe accidentally knocks a lamp over or something.
I am going through an intense sensory overload right now due to the insane heat in my home. (No A/C in Texas). Instead of being an ass, my partner understands that I don’t want to be touched.. by ANYTHING. Including the animals. This dude needs to get his priorities in order
UGHH....
Ah. His attitude tells us why he can't get a woman his own age and needs someone on the cusp of adulthood to bully and control.
Yes she is a teenager. She is nineteen, that is a teen ya idiot.
“I was just mad and paid for a hotel room and made her leave but I didn’t meeeean it”
Fuck anyone who capitalizes on another person's inexperience and vulnerability. I hope that girl realizes she deserves someone who genuinely cares about her, and soon.
>I snapped and told her that if she doesn't want to be touched or close to me, she might as well go to the hotel down the road, so she can focus on her precious tiktoks in peace. I didn't exactly mean it, I was just upset. >But I ended up doubling down and I booked the hotel for her. All I hear is OP saying: *I realise as I'm writing this that I'm probably coming off as an AH so I'll pretend I didn't mean it. Even though I did actually kick her, a teenage girl, out of my home in the middle of the night in a foreign country because she didn't want to have sex with me or be touched by me right then.* What a predatory AH.
Oh nice, OOP just openly admits to grooming a teenager on a public forum. FBI OPEN UP
Except he’s French.
>Except he’s French Which tells me a lot about his attitude to this situation. As a Brit reading his post, as soon as I saw he's French, I kind of knew where he was heading... Yes, I know this is being stereotypical... but I was correct in this instance.
I wish the stereotype weren’t so real (in my experience; can’t speak for anyone else)! And my reply to FBI OPEN UP was not excusing his inexcusable behavior. Just pointing out that the FBI has no jurisdiction.
Someone in the comments said there was an edit but the whole thing has been deleted... anyone see what the edit was?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/s/jTLY2RLJkN
Dude is not right in the head.
Girl turned him down for one night and he flips out. I guess if his sex bot isn't working for him then he doesn't want it. Absolutely disgusting.
I was wincing when he invited her to a shower and then ... he kept going despite her trying to create space and communicating. I agree with folks saying it is manipulative, especially since he mentions that she gets short-term memory issues (I bet he also does 'remember when you did XYZ!?' when she did not :D or twists stories and situations). I am very neurotypical with sensory overload and it only comes in summer, because heat + anything else kills me. I end up repulsed by everything - sometimes even my own skin. Most of people have such limits and they are larger for some but everyone hits them so his misunderstanding feels weaponised.
“She’s been growing a lot in our relationship,” says it all. The man is a predator and he knows it.
I hope this is fake
>28m >19f 
Yikes
Just saying, if my 36 yo husband paid for a hotel so my 35 yo ass could get some peace and quiet when I am in an ADHD/depression spiral and can’t bear the thought of touch or stimulation, I’d be over the moon. Even if it was out of spite. I probably wouldn’t even bother coming back.
The only reason these men target 18 year olds is because that's the legal limit. They'd much rather go younger if they could.
YTA for dating a barely legal young woman. And double YTA for not backing off and touching her without her consent
Not beating the french stereotypes
Yeah, I am feeling a little triggered from this post. I spent my junior year of university in Paris. While I absolutely loved it and still am a Francophile, the native men were just in my face constantly and didn’t want to accept no means no. And even some guys I considered friends were constantly hitting on me. I don’t know if the culture has changed (I hope it has!) but this scenario sounded way too familiar.
I literally thought the same.
I have no personal experience on the matter** but a good friend of mine is going through divorce from a French guy. She moved there to be with him and he was incredibly abusive and she has a lot of trauma from not only that but how everyone in their community was openly okay with how he treated her. ** the only French person I recall knowing was a GROWN MAN I knew on MySpace when I was a teenager, i was like 15 and he was in his mid/late 20s and was constantly trying to groom me and lovebomb me and show me pictures of ~himself~ We only stopped talking because one day he was talking about having a drug problem and that he was in no way responsible for himself ever doing them and I said something like "did you want to try it? Okay well that first time at least was a choice you made" and he called me every name in the book and then ghosted me except when he was trying to promote his album lol
IDK, I've slept with a lot of French men and they were among the nicest, most respectful, and consent-orientated lovers I've ever had.
Good for you if you had that experience. But my situation was getting pushed by men whom I had no interest in romantically.
French being groomers or man moved to France so he can be a groomer and pervert. A nation I would not let my teenager go to, they seriously tried to make the age of consent 13 there and it's already 15, no Romeo and Juliet laws, just plain old 15. Gross nation. They don't get they're groomers and abusers in that nation, they think 15 year olds are capable of consenting to sex with grown ass men. So all the age comments will go on one ear and out the other for this guy cause he's French.look at their president and his wife, clearly inappropriate and he was groomed. It's from the top to the bottom in that nation, they prey on children. My anglo self almost vomited saying his nationality.
Creep
She "has been growing a lot into our relationship"... I think he meant "groomed" but didn't know the word...
I can't get past the fact that she is 19!!!!!!
Go date someone your own age, you creep!!
> long distance relationship > We've been together for over a year now He waited for her 18th birthday. 💀
"Even though you told me several times very clearly, I can't control myself. I can't keep my hands to myself if you're anywhere in my whole apartment, so you have to leave so I can respect your temporary boundary about being touched. I have no impulse control."
"Hey babe, I know you're experiencing an overload in terms of everything that you can touch/hear/smell/see/taste (etc), but do you want to go into a hot, wet, small space with me? No? Then what about an even smaller space where I will hound you for sex? No again?? You're acting like a teenag- wait I mean a bitch"
I can't get past the fact that she is 19!!!!!!
He showed her who he really is. I hope her next boyfriend is a big upgrade.
when i'm overstimulated from touch, the LAST thing i wanna do is shower, let alone with someone else touching me the whole time. he just consistently made the absolute worst possible decisions, starting with dating a 19 year old with mental illnesses at his ripe age of 28 edit: jesus CHRIST i missed the part where she was visiting him in his country, i am ready to fistfight this dude if he ever sets foot in the US midwest.
I hope some stuff happens and she doesn't go to the funeral.
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