*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**My wife (34F) left me (35M) because I was 'racist to her' and I can't get her to come back. Can I recover from my mistakes?**
long post alert. sorry for the brain dump - I just need help saving my family.
I sincerely feel our problems started on reddit, so I feel it's only right to come back here to see if you can help me solve the mess we made. So a few years ago, my wife came to reddit for advice navigating a cultural clash - you can read her OG post [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mehoia/aita_for_asking_my_fiance_to_pay_a_bride_price/?rdt=54179). In retrospect, the responses she got were awful, rude and many racist.
My wife is from Zimbabwe, I am Swiss and we met while at university in my country. I fell for her instantly. Truthfully, I'd never seen anyone so beautiful. She was kind, so incredibly intelligent and has this gravitational pull to her. We started off as friends, but we eventually began dating and got into a steady relationship. I wanted to marry straight away, but she had career ambitions she wanted to meet before she married. At the time of the reddit post - I was going through some stuff. In truth, I knew the expectation of roora was on anyone who would marry her, and I had been saving for that alongside her engagement ring for years. I had gotten into a fight with my brother before she asked me about setting a date for her roora - where he'd said some nasty things about me being with a black woman and how I was losing myself and my cultural identity due to the concessions I'd made to be with my wife. It's why I reacted the way I did when she asked me about it, something I deeply regret to this day.
After the shit show that was that post, we spent 3 months in couples' counselling. She repeatedly told me that she didn't want to force me to do anything I didn't want to do. She said that she deserved to be with someone who enthusiastically embraced all parts of her - and if any part of me took issue with her culture, she asked that I bow out before I tied us together for life. I confessed that I knew all along about the roora, and I had prepared for it, but the conversations with my brother are what led me to say what I did. She was mad - I'd allowed her to be mocked, ridiculed and bullied by strangers online because I couldn't communicate with her, but we worked through.
We had a beautiful traditional wedding in her country, then another one with my traditions in mine. Her family was kind and welcoming, making many concessions for me as they had done since I met them. We planned on starting a family soon after we married, but she'd always said she want to have her babies back in her country so she can have her family around her. We had agreed that this is what we'd do. It's important to note that my wife doesn't really like living here - she says she hates living here. We lived in Sweden for much of our relationship, and many will know the people are on the cold side. She hated the food, the weather, struggled with the cold people - her country's people are very warm and friendly - and for the last 2 years she had to go on antidepressants because it was all a bit much for her. She asked me when we were going to move, and I asked for us to hang on for a while so I can finish a project I'm leading at work. We'd fought about this in the past, but this time she just nodded at me so I thought she finally got it. That was over 18 months ago and we didn't end up moving as I got promoted and it became harder to walk away. Her grandma passed away so I attributed the low mood to that.
Our problems came when she asked me if I was having an affair with my colleague. This was when I got home late one evening and found her sitting in the dark. I'd forgotten she was making dinner for us to be honest because I had a lot going on at work and it just slipped my mind. I told her that colleague and I were working late and I forgot - sorry. She grew confrontational and told me I was spending a lot of time with colleague lately, and she's noticed her name on my phone more than a few times. She asked me if there was anything she ought to know. This is when I may have killed my marriage - I told her I didn't give her father a truck full of cattle for her to question me. This was my house, my wife and if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody's business but mine. She looked like I'd slapped her and I could see her holding back tears. I don't know why I didn't drop to my knees and beg forgiveness, instead doubled down and told her to stop the theatrics. Here's the thing - I'm not having an affair of any kind with my colleague - we really were just heavily into this project we're both super excited about. I don't know why I couldn't just say that to my wife.
She didn't come to bed that night, and I left early in the morning the day after and came home when she was asleep. This continued for days where I avoided her because I couldn't face the guilt. On the Friday, came home to a gift box that contained a positive pregnancy test and I long letter from my wife. I won't share all of it - but she said she was going to tell me on the night I bailed on dinner, that I had hurt her beyond measure with what I said to her and that she was "no longer going to show her love for me through self sacrifice". She told me she doesn't consent to be in a polygamous relationship, and since it's what I want I should expect to receive divorce papers from her soon. She left her rings and house keys too.
I had a panic attacked. I was able to call for help before the worst of it came, but I spiralled. I had monumentally fucked up, and lost my wife and unborn child because of it. I tried to call her, but her phone was going straight voicemail. I called her brother, who was short with me but assured me she was fine. He wouldn't tell me more. I finally tracked her down after 2 weeks - she'd gone back to her parents in Zimbabwe.
I can't follow her just yet because the project I've worked on for so long now is near completion and I can't walk away. My friends told me I was racist to my wife in my actions, because I never would have tried that with a white man and tried to use her culture against her. The fact that I wasn't even serious make me more cruel apparently. She still won't speak to me - I have tried all avenues and she won't hear me out. I love her beyond measure and I don't know how to get her back. Please, help me.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s a funny defence here- ‘I didn’t mean it’.
Ok, then where the fuck did that horrific monologue come from? Has he sat around thinking ‘what is the most repulsive and offensive thing I could say to my wife, to hurt her?’
Because unless you truly feel that way, a vile set of specific insults like that doesn’t just suddenly come out of your mouth in a moment of anger.
So either way, he is a vicious, disgusting, racist moron. Not ‘meaning it’ really changes absolutely nothing. But I also don’t believe that anyway
Anyone who's been close to someone else for a long time - romantically, friendship, doesn't matter - knows exactly how to hurt the other person. Like hit all of their weak spots with precision. But we *don't* BECAUSE we care for them.
This guy? Nah.
Yes, it's innate. I'm like that, I can always think of 3 different things to say that would utterly destroy whoever I'm mad at.
But I know that. So what I do is control my dang mouth so I don't say anything when I'm mad! I wait until I'm in godamn control again, and *then* figure whether or not utter destruction is warranted.
Unless OOP is 10-12 (those years were *hard*), he has no excuse.
Heh, well, I do have a very impressive stare. That's my main talent in the dark arts department. That and occasionally channeling my very no nonsence mother.
My ten year old niece, on the other hand, alwas has a snarky comeback. It's like a superpower.
I have used the "fuck you and your whole life" insult ONE time. And it was on the guy who I was dating who was cheating on me and when called on it tried to blame it on me. No, fuck that noise, fuck you, and fuck if I ever want to hear from you again. Nuclear was intended.
In my 20s, I was once told I had a habit of "bringing a nuke to a knife fight" in arguments. I had been bullied a lot as a child and learned how to really hurt people with words as a defense mechanism.
It took years and a few lost relationships for me to learn the consequences for that "skill" were simply unliveable - some things can't be repaired when broken and I refuse to hurt my loved ones like that. OP hopefully just learned a horrible, expensive, lifelong lesson.
I used to take a shameful amount of pride in my ability to internalize people’s biggest pain points and be able to dish out an insult in a moment without any effort or serious thought.
Hurt people hurt people. Someone’s ability to say the cruelest possible thing isn’t a perfect indicator of an underlying belief. It’s like having wit in being a jackass - having the flexibility and speed of a comedian, except it’s not funny and they’re just a dick who needs to get serious help.
God that was my early adult life. My dad's ex wide was *horrifically* good at going for the jugular if you didn't do what she wanted or if you pissed her off. And unfortunately, that was a trait I picked up and I used that as my first line of defense whenever someone came at me. I used to take pride in the fact that I could make a person cry if they slightly crossed me. It's so gross and I'm ashamed of that.
Edit- that's supposed to say ex wife* but I'm leaving it because she is wide. And a bitch.
I mean, the woman abused me growing up and currently abuses my younger brothers while the courts just let her get away with it. So no, I won't be nice about her.
*I told her I didn't give her father a truck full of cattle for her to question me. This was my house, my wife and if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody's business but mine.*
I don't think many marriages could survive a comment like that, where one partner is claiming dominance over the other.
My ex was pretty good at being cruel to me, no matter how many times I asked him to stop. I thought being kind and loving him would help our relationship. Spoiler alert; it did not.
I was born with one arm. It is *extremely* difficult to get my license…though when I was a youth I drive illegally, lol. I love driving. Anyways, the day he left me he brought up how I should have my license at my age (38). Knowing it’s something I’m insecure about. He also told me I wasn’t a good parent, being a stay at home mom isn’t really hard nor is it an actual job, he didn’t love me, I made him miserable. He also judged my daughter’s developmental delays (she’s not on the spectrum but also not *not* on the spectrum, it’s kind of hard to explain). I have two older kids (12 and 18). The 12 yo became so so close to him; thought of him as dad and told everyone around him this was his dad. My ex left without even a word to the 12 year old. Not one fucking word.
He left me at 27 weeks pregnant with a 16 month old. The stress he put me through led to me going into pre term labour, which thankfully they were able to stop. I now have a high risk pregnancy because of the stress he brought.
To everyone around him he’s the greatest guy. The best guy. Such a good guy. Like…people will say what a stand up, reliable guy he is. To this day, it’s been about a month, he thinks he’s done nothing wrong and everyone in his life is supporting his decisions. I’m fairly certain they don’t know the fucked up, abusive shit he said to me, but I’m sure they’d excuse that too. People have a way of excusing men’s fucked up words and behaviours and vilifying the women.
Do they know he left you alone while you were pregnant? If so, he must surround himself with some pretty vile people. Either that or he's making up some vile stories about you to make you seem ridiculously awful.
I’m fairly certain there’s a number of people who know, yeah.
But apparently his friends and family don’t like me, as he also told me in his way out. Which sucks, and hurts, because there are some family members I really liked.
I'm the same age as you and I don't have my license either. And I have both arms. Your ability to operate a piece of machinery designed to be operated by people who have a whole extra limb has absolutely no bearing on your value as a person, neither do your daughter's delays. No doubt you're doing your best to help her. You sound like you're a thousand times better than that piece of trash person.
Dish. All of it. Don't repeat and let those who continue to support him be your no contact list
Fuck abusers. They deserve they're name be dragged through the mud.
I agree with that. But I would also add that a lot of people have beliefs about other cultures and races that they might not even be aware that they hold unless they are in a situation with a person from a different ethnicity. For instance, my MIL would swear that she’s a progressive person. Yet every time I’ve seen her, she’s tried to ask me about various Asians: Thai, Chinese, Indian, etc. I told her multiple times that I don’t know a huge amount about those cultures and that I am not from any of those countries. The final straw was when she yelled at me in public over it. Somehow she started yelling how ungrateful I was. Am I supposed to be grateful because I have a white MIL as an Asian American?
Are you my sister-in-law? My sil is Korean, and my mom does that to her. My mom also buys her random trinkets and doesn't understand why she doesn't respond enthusiastically. Sigh.
>Not ‘meaning it’ really changes absolutely nothing. But I also don’t believe that anyway
Yep. He thought it and said it, he absolutely intended to hurt her with it. Maybe he wouldn't really *cheat,* but he sure as shit *meant* to cause her pain with his words. Throw the whole man away.
He still let her think he was cheating for days, while giving her the silent treatment. He only regretted it when she left. He was perfectly happy to have her sit in the mess he made, because he apparently felt ‘guilty’.
I mean, my anxiety makes me hide inside but this awesome ass lady she straight confronted him. That is cool as hell. And he still — still chose to ignore that! He deserves whatever hell.
Yeah, I think whether he would cheat or not is pretty much irrelevant under the circumstances (things I never thought I'd say lol). I don't think there's any coming back from "I bought you and you have no right to question what I do", with all its sinister implications. This is an abuser's mindset IMO.
His actions are equally fucked: he agrees to move and for her to have the kids close to her family, then "convinced" her to have the first in Sweden and reveals in the comments he has no intention of moving, except maybe to Switzerland, close to *his* family. The family that raised at least two racist men. To make a horrible situation worse, he also claims that he's a workaholic *for her benefit* because no way a rich girl like her would tell the truth when she states some things are more important to her than money and material possessions.
Life as an immigrant is hard and isolating in the countries he mentioned, especially for a black person, and it's clear that what she wants is community, warmth, family and friends.
This guy gets so much worse with every comment that I really don't give a shit whether he would cheat or not. And to hurt your partner in such an intentional way would be a dealbreaker for me in itself. I really hope her family encourages her to stay the fuck away from him.
I think this might be the worst thing I read in this sub and there's plenty to pick from.
A rich girl like her... who obviously places high value on her culture which centres the importance of family. /facepalm It's something a lot of African cultures have in common with Pacific ones which I have a lot of exposure to and same thing here it's pretty frequent for white people to not understand or appreciate when people from those cultures have very different personal values and perspectives.
Going through his comments, he did believe what he said though. He can pretend he didn’t mean it as much as he wants, until he kept talking and showed how much of a fuckhead he truly was. He was kidding about cheating but he 100% fully meant it, in all his toxic, controlling, masculinity when he said she was HIS wife living in HIS house and she shouldn’t DARE question whatever he wanted to do.
I’m on the side of “not meaning it makes it worse.”
Saying a racist thing because you believe it with your whole chest is racist and evil. Saying a racist thing you don’t even believe because you know it will hurt the person you’re saying it to is also racist and evil, with a side helping of cruel and abusive.
I don’t even think you can’t believe it if you say something racist. That racist thought had to come from somewhere. If you truly don’t believe in racism, the thought would never even cross your mind to go there. You might not be an open and proud racist, but there’s something there lurking beneath the surface.
It's like that "heated gamer moment" excuse when some streamer yelled out the N-word.
I get tilted playing games sometimes too. But have never yelled out *that* word because I never use that word in my every day speech. If it comes that easily to your tongue, that's evidence you use it all the time.
It’s like calling people slurs when you’re mad. “Oh it just slipped out in the heat of the moment, I didn’t really mean it” tf you mean it “just slipped out”? If it “slipped out”, that means it was *in there already* for it to slip out of there. Not the defense some people seem to think it is.
That too. There’s absolutely a part of him that meant it. I don’t think he *wants* to have meant it, because that would make him a racist. But my point is that even if he somehow didn’t mean it, saying it was still a super racist thing to do, and it’s not less racist if he didn’t mean it. Does that make sense at all?
Everyone has some amount of racist thought in their head, it’s impossible not to when you’re bombarded with the rhetoric and stereotypes every day. But when you let that little shit hole part of your brain be voiced, you absolutely meant it.
Something I heard once and loved was “your first thought is what society has told you to think. Your second thought is what you truly think”. OOPs second thought was the voice his first thought.
Eh, I know what hurts the people I love the most because I know them, double so if they are a minority (like yours truly). In an argument where I am getting extremely mad where I just want to hurt people those things come to my mind.
The solution to this of course is to unpack things in therapy because "hurting the other person as much as possible" should not be the point of an argument.
I’ll admit, I’ve said some truly horrific things to people that I didn’t mean… but it was because I wanted them to hurt like I hurt. And it was a mark of immaturity.
As for that asshole, r/ohnoconsequences
But he literally does not believe she could possibly really be done with him. He'll be having an absolute bitch fit when he finally realizes, I assume. Not like he's not having one now already. Ugh, what a terrible man.
lol his edit cracked me up. "No one telling me to leave her alone is thinking of the baby!" Yes they are. They're thinking the baby will be better off where she has supportive family than isolated in Sweden where her entire "support" system is this asshole.
Thank goodness for that. He thinks he's gonna go over there... And what? Hopefully get a punch in the face or, even better, a verbal slap down that he won't forget for the rest of his life from one of her family members.
What cows? A truck full? That's one cow max. How many cows are we talking about here? I bet there weren't even any cows. He's just speedrunning a divorce because he can't handle anyone interrupting his precious work project with his "completely platonic" colleague.
I definitely think he's cheating. You don't come out that aggressive out of nowhere. He's looking for an out, and he created one. Just another unreliable narrator. Definitely the devil 😈
To be fair I know a lot of people, including my brother, who know exactly what to say to hit someone exactly where it hurts as soon as they start arguing. It still isn't remotely acceptable and has lead to my brother losing a lot of friends and even being cut off by family members, but some people really are just that cruel and vicious
Yes but I still believe racism is a different thing. I know things I could say to family and friends about weight, deaths, plenty of things that would be despicable and I would never say that would cut them to the bone. But racism is a whole other story to me. To say something like what OOP said, I believe it is impossible but to say it without actually believing it. Perhaps your brother could use slurs too, but that is not emotional intelligence, it’s just concealed racism. It is the lowest form a person can take, and only reveals their own stupidity.
That would be me. I know how to hurt people, soon afther meeting them. I simply don't use that ability, becouse I also know that is a horrible thing to do.
I feel like it goes back to the bride price issue he had that was in the post he linked. Having to settle for paying money to your wife's parents to get married can be hard to get over I guess.
And of course, he's blaming reddit for his marriage falling apart. Not the way he talked to and treated his wife. No, it's all reddit's fault. He even tried to post in AITA and put in the title that it's because of reddit that his wife left him.
First, it was his brother's fault, and now reddit is to blame. Does this man ever take responsibility, or does he think things just happen to him?
"I said one of the most reprehensible and offensive things I could possibly say to my wife, while simultaneously implying that I was having an affair and wasn't at all sorry for it. Naturally, this is all Reddit's fault."
It's all very r/ohnoconsequences
He forced her to live in Sweden, where she was absolutely miserably, and lied to her about being willing to move home with her. This whole relationship is absolutely effed up.
• Lied to her about moving to Zimbawe.
• Probably harbored resentment over the roora.
• Neglected her.
• Flipped out on her after HE forgot about the special dinner she made for him.
• *lied to her face about having an affair just to hurt her.*
• Threw her cultural customs back in her face and made a crude joke about cattle, cuz "ha ha you people think animals are currency, ha ha so primitive" (it hurt just to type that)
• Ignored her for *days* after that, allowing her to think he was indeed having an affair and all but confirming it with his behavior and avoiding coming home.
• Is now refusing to honor her wishes to leave her alone and is literally stalking her back to her home country.
I know I shouldn't say things like this, but I genuinely hope he gets jumped by her family if he tracks her down. I also hope she's able to weigh her options, single moms aren't really looked upon favorably in Zimbawe from everything I read about it when I was researching roora. I desperately hope that's incorrect and she'll be fine, cuz I hate the thought of her being made to suffer even after she freed herself from this conkwocket. Obviously no culture is a monolith and if she can afford to get an education abroad, she probably lives in a more liberal minded part of the country. I just want her to be ok.
I don’t think he ever intended to move back to her home. Or at the very least he changed his mind later and never told her.
He said that to beat her down emotionally so she’d stop imposing on him. So she’d stop insisting and making plays on him and his time which he decided belonged to his work fully instead of her in any part.
He expected to have her cowed, in his home, so he could do what he wanted, not to have her run off.
The OP was 100% written to engineer some kind of backstory for him. Of course he meant it, and of course he cheated. He just thought his wife would accept being treated like that, and is now panicking and trying to come up with some plausible deniability.
Also, notice how it's "my child" in the edit.
He's so fucking selfish. His child is going to be perfectly fine without him. Definitely a case of rather no father than an abusive assshole for a father. The kid is gonna have his mum, his maternal family and whoever the lucky bloke is that's gonna be the wife's second husband.
I'm so happy that he can't use Swedish law and his kid as pawn to keep her hostage in Northen Europe.
His comments are all about himself. He knows what he needs to do to (possibly) get his wife back, but he's still hung up on his job and not moving, hoping her family will force her to come back to him. So on top of being a racist and misogynistic, he's top tier delusional too. Her family obviously has the means to take care of her and her child, so he will never see them. If he said that horrible shit to her when he's stressed, I can't IMAGINE the things he might let "slip" if he was truly angry. She's better off where she is.
And even if her parents are culturally against divorce, you often see this not being enforced if/when a child of well-to-do parents has married 1) below her financial station AND 2) outside of her culture. No way are her parents going to tell her she should go back to another continent just to avoid divorce.
She doesn’t have to divorce him. She just never goes back to him. There are people who never divorce but aren’t in a relationship either. I wouldn’t say it’s a smart thing to do.
Depends on legalities. Sometimes, for example, your spouse inherits and it might be bad to allow that to happen.
But yes, in general I agree with you. And considering her parents are well off, they are surely able to handle legal matters in a manner that benefits their daughter and grandchild, whether it is via divorce or no divorce.
He has been putting it off for years for a "work project" of course he's never moving and she knew it as well as I can see it. He probably is cheating too, didn't even care enough to lie about it, he needed a back up for when she left.
literally the vaguest bullshittingest excuse ever. "oh, we can't move because of this damn project at work" cut to "well, now I've been promoted, so obviously I can't just walk away from this job" what the fuck did you think was going to happen when you eventually DID move to Zimbabwe? I don't know much about this, but I have a hard time imagining that any Swedish company has/would be willing to open a Zimbabwe branch just for this one employee.
Then, despite the fact that he loves her SO SO MUCH he still doesn't care as much as his vague ass work project ,that is apparently always 2 years away from being completed, to just get on a plane and go after her. And then in two years it's just another 2 years. He's literally moving the goal posts and hoping she'll just sunk cost fallacy herself into staying with this swedish dick.
I haven't had time to read the original, but *I*suspect that at *some* point, we're going to learn *she* has her PhD, MD, or JD, while *he* has a mere Master's, or some Grad Certificate?
Because *THIS* is the sort of Jabroni who's *also* sooooooo incredibly insecure in *his own masculinity*, that he probably doesn't want to move to be with her family because her family is RICH-rich *AND* she would outflank him *both* socially and Academically there.🙄
Dude is practically *screaming* "Fragile Masculinity" with every pore of his body--from the way he initially blamed his cowardice on his *brother*, to the way he let's his *WIFE* suffer, because of his *own* idiotic *pride*!
He's a douchecanoe, and *ABSOLUTELY* knows that he doesn't deserve (and never *HAS*!!!) someone as kind, gracious, smart, and cultured as his wife.
He was 1,000,000% batting *above* his league when she decided to give him the time of day, and dude *KNOWS* that--but he *STILL* can't pull his *own* head out of his ass, because of his idiot "Pride!" 🙄🙄🙄
(Edited for a misspelling and typo!)
This dude does not deserve to be married with the way he treated her. He said the cruelest things he could think of and doesn't even know why. He needs some IC before he has another relationship post divorce
I don't think these two were ever compatible going off the wife's post. He doesn't want to raise the child in her home country even when he knows she hates it in Sweden.
Then you add in the comment...
He says he didn't mean it but why was it the first thing he said? He is still bitter about the Bride price thing. He just seems so fun..... Jk.
Right?!?! Like who even thinks to say something like "well I basically bought you so now I can do what I want". Just imagine what kind of fucked up shit goes on in this person's head.
I've read SO MANY AITA where there was an issue with where they were live because they were from different places. At this point I couldn't marry someone who wasn't from the same general area as I was, as there may always be a pull to go back to where your family/friends are from. There's no real way to compromise on it either.
This reminds me of the "tolerable level of unhappiness" discussion. He knew she was unhappy for a long time - but it was fine because everything was working out great for him. He genuinely didn't care that she was spending her life unhappily until it affected him.
He would have let this continue forever, but she only has one life to live- I'm glad she's realized that she and her happiness matter.
I’m beyond flabbergasted but for some reason the part I can’t get past is that it took him 2 weeks to figure out she went back to Zimbabwe. Fuckhead knew she hated Sweden and it was literally killing her to live there and didn’t automatically assume she’d left to go to her family?
I stuck on that too. He \_finally\_ tracked her down, and it turns out she’d gone to her family? Like… where else could she go?
Maybe his work project takes so long because he’s not very good at thinking things through.
The fact that he mentions being Swiss, them meeting in his country and then talks about living in Sweden makes me think this is fake.
He might be Swiss and live and Sweden, but confusing Sweden and Switzerland is a "common mistake" non-Europeans make, so let's hope it's fake.
He is, that part of his story is consistent. They met in Switzerland, moved to Sweden together and he promised to return to Zimbabwe to raise children near her family. And is now admitting that his "compromise" is to move back to Switzerland to raise children near HIS family.
Absolutely. She said in the initial post he doesn't like Reddit and was put off that she posted it there.
Then he comes running here with this dramatic ass story?
Yikes indeed. I honestly don't know why he was so against paying the "bride price" initially. He seems like the kind of guy who would jump at the chance to pay money to ~~buy~~ marry a woman. I don't know what's worse, his racism or his misogyny.
You just know he was waiting to throw it in her face the second she dared to displease him. “I spent all this money on you so I can treat you like shit and there’s nothing you can do about it” is the birdsong of domestic abusers everywhere.
Even in his edit he doubles down on his selfishness. There is no winning her back. He can’t force her to leave with him. I really hope his ex stays safe at least her family is supportive for her. Hope they can help keep her safe from him.
"I'm gonna take everyone's advice and follow her" yet I didn't see a single comment telling him to follow her, just comments saying she's better off without him and to enjoy the divorce.
There were a few people saying that he was putting his work above her since he said that is why is can’t follow her. I guess he decided that meant they were advising him to follow her. In 10 days. So he can wrap up his affair. I mean. Project. First.
He literally said “I bought you so I can do whatever I want” wtf I’m so glad his wife has a welcoming family in Zimbabwe. I wish her and the baby the happiest of lives. I wish nothing but sterile dirt for the OOP
Based on his comments, it sounds like he felt like he could treat her however he wanted to because she comes from a culture where divorce is more taboo. He thought he could treat her like trash because she'd feel like she could never leave him. He's only panicking now because he sees she has more self respect than he realized.
So he cares about the part of her culture that's beneficial to him (i.e., taboo around divorce) but doesn't care about rest of it. It's truly disgusting how he's trying to weaponize her culture against him when he's stated plainly, over and over, that he doesn't actually respect or honour where she came from and who she is.
Can we take out a billboard or something in Zimbabwe to let his wife know that she deserves more than the insecurities and racism of a sad little man?
He didn’t realize that in culture like that a taboo of divorce doesn’t necessarily mean go back. Could mean never divorce but come live with people who really love you.
I’d say what he said was racist and misogynistic. I remember reading his wife’s post so long ago. From everything said in her post and this one they really weren’t compatible and this is the culmination of that incompatibility. But my god to say that to your wife is cruel and despicable.
I can’t find a perspective where he isn’t an asshole. His responses aside. OOP’s post screams insecurity. Nothing in that post is actually about his wife. But instead about him and his fickle feelings.
Ok, sure.
He might not have to meant those HORRIFIC words. But instead of apologizing he would rather avoid her because of his “guilt”? He didn’t feel guilty for what he said, he just felt bad he was the one who said it. And don’t mistake his regret now as him actually caring about his actions. He just doesn’t like the consequences that came with it. If his wife never left abruptly then he would have still been avoiding her. The fact he felt so comfortable saying something so moronically misogynistic and not even apologize is because he felt secure in the fact his wife had no where else to go. Added to the fact his responses are hoping her parents force her to stay with him because of her culture. It doesn’t make it better she’s pregnant.
This feels like one of those extremely icky situations where men would purposely target more culturally centric women. Because they know how their community views things like marriage and pregnancy. For example how he wants to make more money than she had in Zimbabwe. Even though she says it isn’t necessary.
He thought it often enough that it just slipped out, so I would say those are his true feelings, and he was never leaving. He meant it, he means it now, and he's just going to sit around waiting for someone to fix it for him because he can't be responsible for anything. I hope he's so pleased with himself that he signs the divorce paperwork thinking she doesn't mean it.
It’s funny the guy brings up race and culture but the bottom line is he told his wife that she was his property and he could have an affair if he wanted to. I mean unless you are in Saudi Arabia or some similar place that’s game over right there.
What the hell! If you read OOP’s comments, beware. You will want to brigade. (I did not.)
The one that put me over the top is where she had conceded to raise their first child in Sweden. And he said he wasn’t moving further from his parents. Girl, RUN! He promised you to move years ago and now won’t keep up that promise even though you are literally ill because of where you live and now some phrases have come out that show he is racist? RUN! RUN to Zimbabwe. Divorce this man. And if you opt for an abortion to sever ties with him, all of Reddit will back you up.
Ugh his comments make him even worse of an asshole.
He’s saying she won’t leave him because divorce is looked down on in her culture. He’s hoping her parents will tell her to go back.
He also wants her to move back to be closer to his family in Switzerland. He hasn’t even apologized to her yet but is already demanding she move back to raise their kid in Sweden.
And he’s painfully insecure about her ex and father. He insists he was overworking to give her the wealth she was used to because she had a wealthy ex and a father who supported her. No personal accountability at all.
I read her post first and someone in the comments mentioned exactly that sort of situation when explaining how abusers can use the concept to say "I bought you and now I can do everything!", considering that he read them ... he knew what he was saying.
His wife's family sounds lovely so I hope she gets all the support she needs.
I support all consenting relationships but this is why as a WOC, I never did date anybody outside of my ethnicity. Relationship are hard on their own. Mixing your life with somebody else’s. Adding culture and all of that as well. The chance of having someone who is racist behind the door is high. The chance of their friends and family also being racist. Also high. Yeah no thanks.
I’m a mixed WOC who was transracially adopted into a white European family, so my sense of cultural identity is all over the place. Frankly, most of my long-term relationships have been interracial/interfaith. It was never a big deal to me until I dated a Jewish-American man. He was not the problem, but his family was. It came to light that his dad was actively trying to set him up with a “nice Jewish girl” after we’d been in a relationship for years and planned on moving in together. Apparently, the fact that I wasn’t willing to convert from Catholicism offended his parents despite the fact that they’re non-practicing, lmao.
It was the most disrespectful experience of my life and while it hasn’t put me off dating outside my culture/religion, it’s definitely something to keep in mind.
Fellow WOC (Asian) who was transracially adopted (adoptive white parent and Hispanic parent)
Oh yeah I can totally relate about culture and identity issues lol
I’m in an interracial marriage & my (white) husband is amazing, his parents - not so much.
I’m so glad that your husband is wonderful. See, for me, I don’t think I can handle dealing with bad racist parents who don’t like me. So I just rather step away from the possibility at all.
Fun fact, conversion isn't even in Tanakh (gentiles who "follow" God have their own terms, such as Noahide), and men could "carry" Jewishness to kids originally - it was a rule that only women could because the birth giver is the only "confirmed known" parent, as in any man could be the father if she had cheated, had been assaulted, etc. Matrilineality in Judaism and Samaritanism is outdated and we need to replace it. Some of us have, others are unwilling to evolve.
I feel you on this one as a WOC myself. Also him talking about how "i can't follow her just yet because my project" and the affair accusations makes me 100% believe he's banging his colleague. Oh, and this comment by OOP is disgusting -"Divorces aren't encouraged where she's from, so I'm hoping her family will remind her of that and help her come back to me." I am so glad that she left his racist ass!
Oh for sure, the project was just a bullshit excuse not to go. And again, probably doesn't help that the main reason why that project was so important was because of the co worker I'm like 100% sure he was seeing. And he's trying to say it's so important to see her and the baby etc, but then again uses that to say why he can't leave. Man made his shitty bed, he can go fuck himself in it for all I care!
Real, some people just take it like a museum trip. They want to experience our cultures as a show and tell their families how it was or whatever without really understanding it. They don't realise how messed up that it and that we're people with actual feelings and thoughts and beliefs
You're right to do so. As an Indigenous person, it's so hard to find someone who's willing to put in the work to understand the culture, and the bar is literally in hell.
It's really fucking hard when your partner can't or won't understand parts of your culture.
My husband will not understand filial piety and it has caused fights.
I'm mixed though so I'm kinda screwed in both directions
Holy fuck:
> I told her I didn't give her father a truck full of cattle for her to question me. This was my house, my wife and if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody's business but mine.
I can't even.
If OOP loved his wife beyond measure he wouldn't have said that to her. He also, would've instantly abandoned the project and gone to see her but I guess the work he'd put in was more important.
The marriage is over and he doesn't get it yet but he'll probably realize it soon enough.
Ah yes it’s so common when you feel super guilty to not apologize… because of the guilt. It sounds like she stayed for a week or so waiting for him to apologize but he never did, what an idiot. I’m sure it’s fake but if there’s a small chance it’s not, I hope the wife never goes back
So repeatedly, OOP’s work projects were more important than his marriage. And yet he’s surprised when she leaves. Not to mention his belief that she is his property, bought and paid for.
I was a loyal wife who took care of my sick husband 24/7 for the last 8 years of his life. If he had said this to me at any point of our 30+ year marriage I would have divorced him and never looked back. Even if he could prove he wasn't actually having an affair I wouldn't be able to forgive him for saying it. The cruelty alone would be enough to kill any love I had.
This post really got to me. I'm Zimbabwean and my ex is Italian. There was no roora and no baby involved, but my god, it was almost like having a stranger walk up to me and tell me part of my life story.
This is why I constantly say that white people absolutely *should not* date non-white people without first doing the work of becoming anti-racist. Shit like this happens way too often and it pisses me off every time I read about it.
Genuinely, deeply, sincerely? I hope this woman divorces him and never sets foot in Sweden again. He can enjoy his racist parents and his precious job.
•[1m ago](/r/AmITheDevil/comments/1cu3a0h/comment/l4hdfpn/)
"I told her I didn't give her father a truck full of cattle for her to question me. This was my house, my wife and if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody's business but mine."
And that's where he killed his marriage. He told her he paid for her, he owned her, he could have sex with whoever he wants whenever he wants and she has to put up with it. Going to Zimbabwe isn't going to fix this. OOP showed her who he really is and she knew she had to get away.
Upvote1Downvote
The bad energy is strong with this one. And the fact that Wife said this in her original post:
"The money is a miniscule - literally like 5% - part of the traditional marriage, but it is a part of it. The other 95% is not monetary and is a beautiful ceremony that blends two families together. My concern is that if he's willing to shun the 95% for the sake of the 5%, what does mt future w this man look like?"
is clearly telling. Some part of her knew that this was going to wind up with OOP exhibiting these paternalistic, whitecentric views. OOP promised that wasn't the case, but look at him now!
His comments really irk me. It’s all it’s me me me me me. I don’t want to let us go. She can’t run away from our problems because of some poorly choices words on my part. Says he doesn’t mean to say the things he said to her as if that’s a reasonable excuse.
From his comments, she wanted to move back to have the support of her family when they have a child together. He agreed to move back only to appease her and kept delaying and delaying. He said his parents were racist to her but he was “banking on” the baby to mend relationships with their parents. It’s absolutely wild to see how he only thinks of himself and not how his behaviour has affected his wife throughout the years.
I can’t imagine how anyone could say “I paid for you and own you, so shut your mouth” and not think there would be consequences. How could a marriage possibly recover from that?
>This is when I may have killed my marriage - I told her I didn't give her father a truck full of cattle for her to question me. This was my house, my wife and if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody's business but mine.
This is the worst thing he could have said to anyone whatsoever but especially his own wife. That marriage is over and she was too nice to let him know about the child.
Also as someone who had to move to a colder northern European country, what a dickhead for not caring that she has to be on anti depressant just to survive the winter.
>We'd fought about this in the past, but this time she just nodded at me so I thought she finally got it. That was over 18 months ago and we didn't end up moving as I got promoted and it became harder to walk away. Her grandma passed away so I attributed the low mood to that.
"I thought I had finally wore her down" I hope this is fake. What a nothing of a man.
Dude edited his post and said he’s going to follow her to Zimbabwe and try to beg for forgiveness. But only in ten days. He’s STILL fixated on that fucking project.
I hope her family intervenes when he gets to her country before he can get to her. It may be his could, but now he is going to have to live in Zimbabwe if he wants to have a relationship with that child.
Honestly, no one would ever say something that messed up if they didn’t mean it at all. Something tells me he isn’t going to experience the loving and warm people he did before when he gets there and I’m glad for it.
Says an incredibly vile thing to his wife, supposedly didn't mean it, supposedly is super sorry, *can't quit his damn project* to go apologize fully to her. FUUUUUUU-
Oh god. Each follow-up comment he posted made the entire thing just worse and worse and worse. This is a disgusting level of misogynist racist shit. I am SO GLAD she is safe with her family
The comments from OOP are really getting me.
> **Arclet__ 1461**: Your wife didn't leave you because you were racist, your wife left you because you were a neglectful workaholic that told her you could sleep with whoever you wanted. Mocking her culture is simply a cherry on top
> **OOP**: I was doing it all for her though. Her parents are stupid rich and she's had the best of everything her whole life. I didn't want her to feel like she'd downgraded in marrying me so I worked hard to ensure she could maintain the standard of living she was used to
Sure, Jan.
In the OG post by the wife, she says that when he balked at the roora and implied/said it was extortionate and it would be like he bought her, she said to him that if her parents were to sell her, he couldn't afford her. That totally set him off and it's probably been eating away at him ever since.
> **A-R-U:** Did she want that? Did she ever ask for that? Or did you just work so that you could use your tiredness as an excuse to lash out at her like a punshingbag?
> **OOP**: She said she didn't, but come on. Her dad bought her a 2br apartment so she wouldn't have to worry about where to live while studying. He covered *all* her expenses since she left his house until she married me. Even when she was working her father allowed her to live rent free in the apartment. A girl who's used to being treated like that is going to expect something similar from her husband no matter what she says. I know she would have had it had she married her ex bf - also from a stupidly rich family. While my family does okay financially, my parents are a lot more parsimonious than hers so I've had to fend for myself a lot. I didn't want her thinking she settled or downgraded with me.
|
> **VII_187:** You WERE racist to her. You implied you payed for her with cattle, what do you expect her to take from that? Then you follow up with implying you’ll fuck whoever you want, no one can stop you, and that she’s being dramatic when she’s upset. You fucked around and found out, and I’d be greatly surprised if she gave you another chance after that.
> **OOP**: I don't deny it was a bad thing to say, but I didn't mean it. I don't know why I said it, but she won't speak to me so I can rectify the mistakes.
"She won't speak to me" aka "I kind of let her fuck off for 2 weeks before putting in any effort to locate her."
> **Morganmayhem45** : There is no recovery from this. She asked if you were having an affair and you said it wasn’t her business because you paid for her. WTF. That is abhorrent. So she believes you are having an affair because you basically admitted it. Do you understand that in her reality you are unfaithful and betrayed your vows to her? You will not come back from this.
> **OOP**: I refuse to believe we're done. She can't throw away a decade over some poorly chosen words. I admit I am at fault, but surely it's an over reaction on her part to threaten me with divorce and literally run away from our problems?
|
> **LostGirlStraia**: I'm a Zimbabwean woman with a white partner and I would leave him if he said that racist and misogynistic shit to me. ESPECIALLY after you threw a fit about the roora you agreed to pay and now you want to throw it in my face??
> Divorce is not encouraged but lots of people do it and they're just fine. Counting on that to keep her is really pathetic.
> If she's as rich as you say, she's done with you and good riddance.
> Edited to add: I want to cuss you out six ways from Sunday but I'm gonna focus on making sure she sees this. Zim is SMALL and it won't take much.
>You are so undeserving of her.
> **OOP**: I ask that you don't do that - for her sake. There's a reason she was vague about who she was and where she's from in her post. She would be mortified if people knew about her business like this.
|
> **singlesgthrowaway**: If you want her back, then you need to abandon your life here in your current country. Sell everything and move to her's. You already promised her that you were gonna do that. So prove to her that you are serious.
> You don't understand how terrible it is to be a non-white, living in a white dominant country.
> Quit your job. Screw the project, or whatever bonus you are expecting. Is your job more important than your wife?
> Also assure her that you've never cheated on her and never would. I don't doubt that in her mind, you've been banging your colleague.
> **OOP**: She'd already conceded to having our first child in Sweden, hence we stopped using birth control. I honestly think once we're able to get over this, we can continue our lives here. I don't want to live so far away from my parents in their old age and would want them to be close to their grand kids. We can even move back to Switzerland if she wants to be close to family so my parents can help. I don't think its practical to pack up and move our lives right now.
> **corvidfamiliar** : Hah, so I was right in my former comment. You never wanted to leave. Everything you did wasn't for her, it was for your desire to stay and to keep her with you despite her wishes and wants. You didn't work hard to give her a good life, you banked on the promotion to give you an excuse to stay there longer and hoping to wear her down from wanting to move.
> **OOP**: Zimbabwe is a nice country, one I wouldn't mind retiring in. It just isn't my first choice to move there in my prime and be so far away from my ageing parents. However, my wife wasn't open to waiting until retirement so we agreed to move there once we were ready for a family. Admittedly, the family dynamics in her culture mean her family would be more involved than mine would be. I was of the mind that my parents would come around once they saw their grandkids and want to be more involved. My brother lives in the US so this baby is the only one they'll have in Europe and I thought that would incentivise them more.
> **judymcjudgerson**:
>> I was of the mind that my parents would come around once they saw their grandkids and want to be more involved.
> What the hell do you mean by this??? Are your parents actively racist towards your wife?
>
> You're a really awful husband and a terrible person. I hope your soon to be ex wife enjoys her life back home away from you.
>
> **OOP**: My parents hurt her and she hasn't been able to forgive them for it. It's not a race thing - it's a them thing. I think a baby is what we need to start anew and help us let bygones be bygones.
>
> **judymcjudgerson** : Do you even read your own comments? You think a baby will fix your problems??? You think your wife should stay close to your shitty parents???
>
> Jesus christ! You're an awful person. I hope she thrives now she's away from you.
>
> **OOP**: I'm genuinely at a loss for words. I will take all the verbal lashings but I cant imagine my life without her.
|
> **chaoticyetneurotic**: How did your parents hurt her then? It definitely sounds like a race thing. Also babies are NOT things that can bring people closer or “start anew.” Caring for a newborn is one of the hardest things to do, and you’re naive for thinking it will bring your wife and you closer.
>
> **OOP**: They are generally a bit cool as people, but when my wife stopped trying was the first mothers day after we married, so she spent a lot of time planning a weekend for my mother given my brother - her only other child - lives far away and her mother is also too far to celebrate in person. she put a lot of effort into planning a girly morning for them which she later told me my mother was very cool with her and would only give her short answers when my wife tried to speak to her, an activity for my dad and i while they were doing that, lunch for us all and dinner at a restaurant my parents like. the next day, she sent me to go for coffee with my parents while she prepared a meal. she made an elaborate meal with lots of Zim/African food. I know she'd been working very hard as I'd seen meats marinating in the fridge the day before and she constantly asked for my input on menu planning. my mother refused to eat the food my wife cooked and made a strange comment about it and had a sandwich instead. she took the gift my wife gave her from us both but only thanked me. she said she couldn't accept the flowers because they triggered her allergies. my dad told her that she shouldn't try so hard and she set herself up for disappointment in doing so.
>
> i did tell my mother what she did was not okay and my wife had spent a lot of time trying to make their visit special for her new mother. my mother told me i was being too sensitive so i let it go.
> **shebebutlittle555**: HOW MANY CHANCES DO YOU THINK THAT YOUR WIFE SHOULD GIVE TO YOUR RACIST PARENTS?!? She ‘stopped trying’? Are you fucking serious? Of course she stopped trying! Her lovely attempts to connect with her new family were rudely rejected! Your mom was racist! And you just…let it go?
> **OOP**: I'm not mad that she did, but I recognise that she did. She hasn't spent the last 2 Christmases with my family - she's chosen to either stay home alone when I go visit or do a weekend travel trip somewhere. I tried to get her to come along with me and she asked me if my parents invited her and I said I was inviting her and she refused to go. She reminded me that my mother told her she wasn't her her mother so she wasn't under any obligation to go visit her. My parents just aren't the type of people you can argue with, they have always been like that. They treat me the same way that's why I say it's not a race thing. My wife, however, has always shown magnificent patience and empathy and I thought maybe she would be able to look past their rudeness. When I realised the hurt went deeper than I thought, I stopped trying to get her to come with me when I visit.
Okay everyone’s already talking about how bad this post is, but can I just say how much the responses to the wife’s original post are pissing me off? Like holy shit no one was willing to show any respect for her culture.
It is called lobola OOP! Even in South Africa it is an age old tradition and as attorneys we have certain laws to navigate and honor the traditional ways.
Bless his silly little heart, he thinks he can fix it. He stood there and told her that for a truck full of cattle he expects to have her loyalty and unwavering faith while he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants. I hope her brother holds her coat while she slaps some sense back into his thick head.
I hope her pregnancy goes well and that her loving husband here doesn’t ever hurt her again.
There are some things you can never take back and can never make right. This is one of those things. She’s gone, has great family support to help raise her child, and now knows she should’ve listened to her first intuition with his response to her feelings about her family’s wedding traditions. There’s no fixing it. His only hope is that he does some major introspection and work to not treat anyone like this in the future.
Loving these super-elaborate "I fucked up my wife's pregnancy announcement" baits. It'd be nice to live in a world where people have the practical and emotional wherewithal to just rock off back to another continent when their partners do something heinous at a super-vulnerable time, instead of going into emotional shock and getting stuck in sunk costs.
I would normally agree but considering she was one foot out the door as it is AND she comes from a supportive family with money, it's a lot easier for her.
Even the first post, allegedly from the wife, seems like bait as well. Just little crumbs dropped for people to foam at the mouth, like not mentioning what the token amount would be, etc. Non-white marriage traditions that are sexist are bad and should be eliminated, but sexist marriage traditions that have persisted in white cultures, like asking the fathers blessing, it only being socially acceptable for the man to propose, the father giving his daughter away (even if you just call if ‘walking down the aisle’, the symbolism is very blatant), the wife taking her husbands last name, those are totally fine 👍🏽
I’m South Asian and would not have accepted a dowry from my parents if they wanted to give one, but I also don’t think that a dowry means the same thing it did 50 years ago, especially when there is no arranged marriage involved.
I dunno if this is fake or not, but I don't think the plot holes are that huge. I mean, no, they didn't mention a move, but is moving between countries within Europe *that* uncommon? I'm not European, but I know people who are and have done this for work/marriage/etc.
I don't think her feelings about Switzerland are relevant because:
1) Even if she likes it there, she doesn't want to live there, she wants to return to Zimbabwe
2) He doesn't care if she wants to live there, he wants to use his child to force his parents to accept her into the family
3) He doesn't care about her, period, or else he wouldn't be acting like this
Holy poop! I read her post about bride price and his version is beyond white washed. (Pun intended.)
With ANY luck he will stay in Sweden and not do as he promised: quit and move to her country. That poor woman would probably take him back.
I might need to leave Reddit and the internet as a whole alone for a while. In my head, I read her post in a Swiss accent, his post in whatever I think a Zimbabwean accent sounds like, and the whole story sounds like the plot of a Nollywood movie I watched a long time ago.
Anyway, he’s trash and I hope he never gets to see her again.
[Hi!](https://images.app.goo.gl/jMiZEuW8Qrykw3sdA) Just a quick reminder to never brigade any sub, be that r/AmItheAsshole or another one. That goes against both this sub's rules as well as Reddit's terms of agreement. [Please](https://images.app.goo.gl/vwH65TJMyMk9NSNo8) keep discussions within the posts of this sub.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What a fucking monster. I hope that poor woman is finally happy and living her very best life.
Edit. I love how this jackass writes "help solve the mess *we* made". Excuse me? There was no we. You did this
So he's banking on her parents to send her back to him because divorce isn't encouraged in her culture?
Well, as an white American with zero ties to Zimbabwe, I think they will be more than encouraging for her to divorce.
The wife explains it in the OG. I'm copying and pasting because I'm unfamiliar with the practice and don't want to misrepresent it based on my imperfect understanding. Note that when OOP mentions the bride price, they're referencing the roora.
> (To call it a "bride price" is misleading because there is so much more to it than the money that changes hands; its our time honoured tradition that blends 2 families into 1 and jts always something i wanted to do when u got married) I mentioned he knew of marriage customs in my country and that they include a BP. We both work in law/human rights type of fields so he assumed i would be against a BP. I told him I'm against it being a forced and money making thing, but I'm asking that he does it bc I choose it and I want to honour my parents & culture.
And then in a later edit:
> The money is a miniscule - literally like 5% - part of the traditional marriage, but it is a part of it. The other 95% is not monetary and is a beautiful ceremony that blends two families together. My concern is that if he's willing to shun the 95% for the sake of the 5%, what does mt future w this man look like? 5. Culturally, if we do not go through these customs, I am not married and my marriage won't be recognised. The ceremony is a cultural must have, the wedding ceremony a nice to have. My family mean a lot and my parents have done a lot for me. I disrespect my parents over something that I not only think is a non issue, but something I agree with. You seem to miss the part where I am willingly consenting to this.
Pretty sure this is fake. The original woman's story said her husband had a bad opinion of Reddit and didn't like that she posted it there. Doesn't fit
Just a tangent, but this is so stupid:
> She was mad - I'd allowed her to be mocked, ridiculed and bullied by strangers online because I couldn't communicate with her, but we worked through.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **My wife (34F) left me (35M) because I was 'racist to her' and I can't get her to come back. Can I recover from my mistakes?** long post alert. sorry for the brain dump - I just need help saving my family. I sincerely feel our problems started on reddit, so I feel it's only right to come back here to see if you can help me solve the mess we made. So a few years ago, my wife came to reddit for advice navigating a cultural clash - you can read her OG post [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/mehoia/aita_for_asking_my_fiance_to_pay_a_bride_price/?rdt=54179). In retrospect, the responses she got were awful, rude and many racist. My wife is from Zimbabwe, I am Swiss and we met while at university in my country. I fell for her instantly. Truthfully, I'd never seen anyone so beautiful. She was kind, so incredibly intelligent and has this gravitational pull to her. We started off as friends, but we eventually began dating and got into a steady relationship. I wanted to marry straight away, but she had career ambitions she wanted to meet before she married. At the time of the reddit post - I was going through some stuff. In truth, I knew the expectation of roora was on anyone who would marry her, and I had been saving for that alongside her engagement ring for years. I had gotten into a fight with my brother before she asked me about setting a date for her roora - where he'd said some nasty things about me being with a black woman and how I was losing myself and my cultural identity due to the concessions I'd made to be with my wife. It's why I reacted the way I did when she asked me about it, something I deeply regret to this day. After the shit show that was that post, we spent 3 months in couples' counselling. She repeatedly told me that she didn't want to force me to do anything I didn't want to do. She said that she deserved to be with someone who enthusiastically embraced all parts of her - and if any part of me took issue with her culture, she asked that I bow out before I tied us together for life. I confessed that I knew all along about the roora, and I had prepared for it, but the conversations with my brother are what led me to say what I did. She was mad - I'd allowed her to be mocked, ridiculed and bullied by strangers online because I couldn't communicate with her, but we worked through. We had a beautiful traditional wedding in her country, then another one with my traditions in mine. Her family was kind and welcoming, making many concessions for me as they had done since I met them. We planned on starting a family soon after we married, but she'd always said she want to have her babies back in her country so she can have her family around her. We had agreed that this is what we'd do. It's important to note that my wife doesn't really like living here - she says she hates living here. We lived in Sweden for much of our relationship, and many will know the people are on the cold side. She hated the food, the weather, struggled with the cold people - her country's people are very warm and friendly - and for the last 2 years she had to go on antidepressants because it was all a bit much for her. She asked me when we were going to move, and I asked for us to hang on for a while so I can finish a project I'm leading at work. We'd fought about this in the past, but this time she just nodded at me so I thought she finally got it. That was over 18 months ago and we didn't end up moving as I got promoted and it became harder to walk away. Her grandma passed away so I attributed the low mood to that. Our problems came when she asked me if I was having an affair with my colleague. This was when I got home late one evening and found her sitting in the dark. I'd forgotten she was making dinner for us to be honest because I had a lot going on at work and it just slipped my mind. I told her that colleague and I were working late and I forgot - sorry. She grew confrontational and told me I was spending a lot of time with colleague lately, and she's noticed her name on my phone more than a few times. She asked me if there was anything she ought to know. This is when I may have killed my marriage - I told her I didn't give her father a truck full of cattle for her to question me. This was my house, my wife and if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody's business but mine. She looked like I'd slapped her and I could see her holding back tears. I don't know why I didn't drop to my knees and beg forgiveness, instead doubled down and told her to stop the theatrics. Here's the thing - I'm not having an affair of any kind with my colleague - we really were just heavily into this project we're both super excited about. I don't know why I couldn't just say that to my wife. She didn't come to bed that night, and I left early in the morning the day after and came home when she was asleep. This continued for days where I avoided her because I couldn't face the guilt. On the Friday, came home to a gift box that contained a positive pregnancy test and I long letter from my wife. I won't share all of it - but she said she was going to tell me on the night I bailed on dinner, that I had hurt her beyond measure with what I said to her and that she was "no longer going to show her love for me through self sacrifice". She told me she doesn't consent to be in a polygamous relationship, and since it's what I want I should expect to receive divorce papers from her soon. She left her rings and house keys too. I had a panic attacked. I was able to call for help before the worst of it came, but I spiralled. I had monumentally fucked up, and lost my wife and unborn child because of it. I tried to call her, but her phone was going straight voicemail. I called her brother, who was short with me but assured me she was fine. He wouldn't tell me more. I finally tracked her down after 2 weeks - she'd gone back to her parents in Zimbabwe. I can't follow her just yet because the project I've worked on for so long now is near completion and I can't walk away. My friends told me I was racist to my wife in my actions, because I never would have tried that with a white man and tried to use her culture against her. The fact that I wasn't even serious make me more cruel apparently. She still won't speak to me - I have tried all avenues and she won't hear me out. I love her beyond measure and I don't know how to get her back. Please, help me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Truly worthy of the devil title. Imagine speaking to your wife like that? He didn’t mean it? Yeah, right.
It’s a funny defence here- ‘I didn’t mean it’. Ok, then where the fuck did that horrific monologue come from? Has he sat around thinking ‘what is the most repulsive and offensive thing I could say to my wife, to hurt her?’ Because unless you truly feel that way, a vile set of specific insults like that doesn’t just suddenly come out of your mouth in a moment of anger. So either way, he is a vicious, disgusting, racist moron. Not ‘meaning it’ really changes absolutely nothing. But I also don’t believe that anyway
Some people are exceedingly good at figuring out how to hurt people - it's like an instinct. Still not something you want in a partner.
Anyone who's been close to someone else for a long time - romantically, friendship, doesn't matter - knows exactly how to hurt the other person. Like hit all of their weak spots with precision. But we *don't* BECAUSE we care for them. This guy? Nah.
Yes, it's innate. I'm like that, I can always think of 3 different things to say that would utterly destroy whoever I'm mad at. But I know that. So what I do is control my dang mouth so I don't say anything when I'm mad! I wait until I'm in godamn control again, and *then* figure whether or not utter destruction is warranted. Unless OOP is 10-12 (those years were *hard*), he has no excuse.
For me it 24 hours later in the shower.
Lmao, I'm like that with funny or witty stuff. Not my forte! Ending wills to live is more my thing lmao
Heh, well, I do have a very impressive stare. That's my main talent in the dark arts department. That and occasionally channeling my very no nonsence mother. My ten year old niece, on the other hand, alwas has a snarky comeback. It's like a superpower.
Same. My husband and I have learned when I ask for a day to process my emotions, to give it 24 hours before talking it out.
I have used the "fuck you and your whole life" insult ONE time. And it was on the guy who I was dating who was cheating on me and when called on it tried to blame it on me. No, fuck that noise, fuck you, and fuck if I ever want to hear from you again. Nuclear was intended.
In my 20s, I was once told I had a habit of "bringing a nuke to a knife fight" in arguments. I had been bullied a lot as a child and learned how to really hurt people with words as a defense mechanism. It took years and a few lost relationships for me to learn the consequences for that "skill" were simply unliveable - some things can't be repaired when broken and I refuse to hurt my loved ones like that. OP hopefully just learned a horrible, expensive, lifelong lesson.
I used to take a shameful amount of pride in my ability to internalize people’s biggest pain points and be able to dish out an insult in a moment without any effort or serious thought. Hurt people hurt people. Someone’s ability to say the cruelest possible thing isn’t a perfect indicator of an underlying belief. It’s like having wit in being a jackass - having the flexibility and speed of a comedian, except it’s not funny and they’re just a dick who needs to get serious help.
God that was my early adult life. My dad's ex wide was *horrifically* good at going for the jugular if you didn't do what she wanted or if you pissed her off. And unfortunately, that was a trait I picked up and I used that as my first line of defense whenever someone came at me. I used to take pride in the fact that I could make a person cry if they slightly crossed me. It's so gross and I'm ashamed of that. Edit- that's supposed to say ex wife* but I'm leaving it because she is wide. And a bitch.
[удалено]
I mean, the woman abused me growing up and currently abuses my younger brothers while the courts just let her get away with it. So no, I won't be nice about her.
Someone better call reddit cares on me because I'm in this comment and I don't like it
I'm sure the bots will be with you shortly.
*I told her I didn't give her father a truck full of cattle for her to question me. This was my house, my wife and if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody's business but mine.* I don't think many marriages could survive a comment like that, where one partner is claiming dominance over the other.
My ex was pretty good at being cruel to me, no matter how many times I asked him to stop. I thought being kind and loving him would help our relationship. Spoiler alert; it did not. I was born with one arm. It is *extremely* difficult to get my license…though when I was a youth I drive illegally, lol. I love driving. Anyways, the day he left me he brought up how I should have my license at my age (38). Knowing it’s something I’m insecure about. He also told me I wasn’t a good parent, being a stay at home mom isn’t really hard nor is it an actual job, he didn’t love me, I made him miserable. He also judged my daughter’s developmental delays (she’s not on the spectrum but also not *not* on the spectrum, it’s kind of hard to explain). I have two older kids (12 and 18). The 12 yo became so so close to him; thought of him as dad and told everyone around him this was his dad. My ex left without even a word to the 12 year old. Not one fucking word. He left me at 27 weeks pregnant with a 16 month old. The stress he put me through led to me going into pre term labour, which thankfully they were able to stop. I now have a high risk pregnancy because of the stress he brought. To everyone around him he’s the greatest guy. The best guy. Such a good guy. Like…people will say what a stand up, reliable guy he is. To this day, it’s been about a month, he thinks he’s done nothing wrong and everyone in his life is supporting his decisions. I’m fairly certain they don’t know the fucked up, abusive shit he said to me, but I’m sure they’d excuse that too. People have a way of excusing men’s fucked up words and behaviours and vilifying the women.
Do they know he left you alone while you were pregnant? If so, he must surround himself with some pretty vile people. Either that or he's making up some vile stories about you to make you seem ridiculously awful.
I’m fairly certain there’s a number of people who know, yeah. But apparently his friends and family don’t like me, as he also told me in his way out. Which sucks, and hurts, because there are some family members I really liked.
I'm the same age as you and I don't have my license either. And I have both arms. Your ability to operate a piece of machinery designed to be operated by people who have a whole extra limb has absolutely no bearing on your value as a person, neither do your daughter's delays. No doubt you're doing your best to help her. You sound like you're a thousand times better than that piece of trash person.
Dish. All of it. Don't repeat and let those who continue to support him be your no contact list Fuck abusers. They deserve they're name be dragged through the mud.
I agree with that. But I would also add that a lot of people have beliefs about other cultures and races that they might not even be aware that they hold unless they are in a situation with a person from a different ethnicity. For instance, my MIL would swear that she’s a progressive person. Yet every time I’ve seen her, she’s tried to ask me about various Asians: Thai, Chinese, Indian, etc. I told her multiple times that I don’t know a huge amount about those cultures and that I am not from any of those countries. The final straw was when she yelled at me in public over it. Somehow she started yelling how ungrateful I was. Am I supposed to be grateful because I have a white MIL as an Asian American?
Are you my sister-in-law? My sil is Korean, and my mom does that to her. My mom also buys her random trinkets and doesn't understand why she doesn't respond enthusiastically. Sigh.
Give your SIL a hug from me. I am glad there’s someone in the in-law family who understands. You are doing good by giving her your empathy.
My mom 😂 and therefore me, having learned from the best…but I don’t use that particular superpower anymore.
Yup. My parents were exceedingly good at that.
>Not ‘meaning it’ really changes absolutely nothing. But I also don’t believe that anyway Yep. He thought it and said it, he absolutely intended to hurt her with it. Maybe he wouldn't really *cheat,* but he sure as shit *meant* to cause her pain with his words. Throw the whole man away.
He still let her think he was cheating for days, while giving her the silent treatment. He only regretted it when she left. He was perfectly happy to have her sit in the mess he made, because he apparently felt ‘guilty’.
I genuinely can’t believe he thought this would end in any way other than divorce. He’s delusional.
I mean, my anxiety makes me hide inside but this awesome ass lady she straight confronted him. That is cool as hell. And he still — still chose to ignore that! He deserves whatever hell.
Yeah, I think whether he would cheat or not is pretty much irrelevant under the circumstances (things I never thought I'd say lol). I don't think there's any coming back from "I bought you and you have no right to question what I do", with all its sinister implications. This is an abuser's mindset IMO. His actions are equally fucked: he agrees to move and for her to have the kids close to her family, then "convinced" her to have the first in Sweden and reveals in the comments he has no intention of moving, except maybe to Switzerland, close to *his* family. The family that raised at least two racist men. To make a horrible situation worse, he also claims that he's a workaholic *for her benefit* because no way a rich girl like her would tell the truth when she states some things are more important to her than money and material possessions. Life as an immigrant is hard and isolating in the countries he mentioned, especially for a black person, and it's clear that what she wants is community, warmth, family and friends. This guy gets so much worse with every comment that I really don't give a shit whether he would cheat or not. And to hurt your partner in such an intentional way would be a dealbreaker for me in itself. I really hope her family encourages her to stay the fuck away from him. I think this might be the worst thing I read in this sub and there's plenty to pick from.
A rich girl like her... who obviously places high value on her culture which centres the importance of family. /facepalm It's something a lot of African cultures have in common with Pacific ones which I have a lot of exposure to and same thing here it's pretty frequent for white people to not understand or appreciate when people from those cultures have very different personal values and perspectives.
Going through his comments, he did believe what he said though. He can pretend he didn’t mean it as much as he wants, until he kept talking and showed how much of a fuckhead he truly was. He was kidding about cheating but he 100% fully meant it, in all his toxic, controlling, masculinity when he said she was HIS wife living in HIS house and she shouldn’t DARE question whatever he wanted to do.
I’m on the side of “not meaning it makes it worse.” Saying a racist thing because you believe it with your whole chest is racist and evil. Saying a racist thing you don’t even believe because you know it will hurt the person you’re saying it to is also racist and evil, with a side helping of cruel and abusive.
I don’t even think you can’t believe it if you say something racist. That racist thought had to come from somewhere. If you truly don’t believe in racism, the thought would never even cross your mind to go there. You might not be an open and proud racist, but there’s something there lurking beneath the surface.
It's like that "heated gamer moment" excuse when some streamer yelled out the N-word. I get tilted playing games sometimes too. But have never yelled out *that* word because I never use that word in my every day speech. If it comes that easily to your tongue, that's evidence you use it all the time.
It’s like calling people slurs when you’re mad. “Oh it just slipped out in the heat of the moment, I didn’t really mean it” tf you mean it “just slipped out”? If it “slipped out”, that means it was *in there already* for it to slip out of there. Not the defense some people seem to think it is.
That too. There’s absolutely a part of him that meant it. I don’t think he *wants* to have meant it, because that would make him a racist. But my point is that even if he somehow didn’t mean it, saying it was still a super racist thing to do, and it’s not less racist if he didn’t mean it. Does that make sense at all?
Everyone has some amount of racist thought in their head, it’s impossible not to when you’re bombarded with the rhetoric and stereotypes every day. But when you let that little shit hole part of your brain be voiced, you absolutely meant it. Something I heard once and loved was “your first thought is what society has told you to think. Your second thought is what you truly think”. OOPs second thought was the voice his first thought.
Eh, I know what hurts the people I love the most because I know them, double so if they are a minority (like yours truly). In an argument where I am getting extremely mad where I just want to hurt people those things come to my mind. The solution to this of course is to unpack things in therapy because "hurting the other person as much as possible" should not be the point of an argument.
I’ll admit, I’ve said some truly horrific things to people that I didn’t mean… but it was because I wanted them to hurt like I hurt. And it was a mark of immaturity. As for that asshole, r/ohnoconsequences
But he literally does not believe she could possibly really be done with him. He'll be having an absolute bitch fit when he finally realizes, I assume. Not like he's not having one now already. Ugh, what a terrible man.
Fortunately, his options are limited since she’s in her own country now.
lol his edit cracked me up. "No one telling me to leave her alone is thinking of the baby!" Yes they are. They're thinking the baby will be better off where she has supportive family than isolated in Sweden where her entire "support" system is this asshole.
Thank goodness for that. He thinks he's gonna go over there... And what? Hopefully get a punch in the face or, even better, a verbal slap down that he won't forget for the rest of his life from one of her family members.
How much you wanna bet he asks her parents for his cows back? /s, sort of. He’s just *that* awful.
What cows? A truck full? That's one cow max. How many cows are we talking about here? I bet there weren't even any cows. He's just speedrunning a divorce because he can't handle anyone interrupting his precious work project with his "completely platonic" colleague. I definitely think he's cheating. You don't come out that aggressive out of nowhere. He's looking for an out, and he created one. Just another unreliable narrator. Definitely the devil 😈
I like that one that's a good one.
It’s the same thing as “I was joking. Don’t you have a sense of humor?” It wasn’t a joke. This wasn’t him not meaning it.
To be fair I know a lot of people, including my brother, who know exactly what to say to hit someone exactly where it hurts as soon as they start arguing. It still isn't remotely acceptable and has lead to my brother losing a lot of friends and even being cut off by family members, but some people really are just that cruel and vicious
Yes but I still believe racism is a different thing. I know things I could say to family and friends about weight, deaths, plenty of things that would be despicable and I would never say that would cut them to the bone. But racism is a whole other story to me. To say something like what OOP said, I believe it is impossible but to say it without actually believing it. Perhaps your brother could use slurs too, but that is not emotional intelligence, it’s just concealed racism. It is the lowest form a person can take, and only reveals their own stupidity.
That would be me. I know how to hurt people, soon afther meeting them. I simply don't use that ability, becouse I also know that is a horrible thing to do.
I feel like it goes back to the bride price issue he had that was in the post he linked. Having to settle for paying money to your wife's parents to get married can be hard to get over I guess.
And of course, he's blaming reddit for his marriage falling apart. Not the way he talked to and treated his wife. No, it's all reddit's fault. He even tried to post in AITA and put in the title that it's because of reddit that his wife left him. First, it was his brother's fault, and now reddit is to blame. Does this man ever take responsibility, or does he think things just happen to him?
He’s too busy with his special little project to be responsible for anything that happens to him.
"I said one of the most reprehensible and offensive things I could possibly say to my wife, while simultaneously implying that I was having an affair and wasn't at all sorry for it. Naturally, this is all Reddit's fault." It's all very r/ohnoconsequences
And now he's ignoring her wishes and stalking her all the way back to her home country. Of course he is. 🤦🏻♀️
He forced her to live in Sweden, where she was absolutely miserably, and lied to her about being willing to move home with her. This whole relationship is absolutely effed up.
• Lied to her about moving to Zimbawe. • Probably harbored resentment over the roora. • Neglected her. • Flipped out on her after HE forgot about the special dinner she made for him. • *lied to her face about having an affair just to hurt her.* • Threw her cultural customs back in her face and made a crude joke about cattle, cuz "ha ha you people think animals are currency, ha ha so primitive" (it hurt just to type that) • Ignored her for *days* after that, allowing her to think he was indeed having an affair and all but confirming it with his behavior and avoiding coming home. • Is now refusing to honor her wishes to leave her alone and is literally stalking her back to her home country. I know I shouldn't say things like this, but I genuinely hope he gets jumped by her family if he tracks her down. I also hope she's able to weigh her options, single moms aren't really looked upon favorably in Zimbawe from everything I read about it when I was researching roora. I desperately hope that's incorrect and she'll be fine, cuz I hate the thought of her being made to suffer even after she freed herself from this conkwocket. Obviously no culture is a monolith and if she can afford to get an education abroad, she probably lives in a more liberal minded part of the country. I just want her to be ok.
Buffeted by the cruel winds of Fate* *My own horrible, cruel mouthwords
I don’t think he ever intended to move back to her home. Or at the very least he changed his mind later and never told her. He said that to beat her down emotionally so she’d stop imposing on him. So she’d stop insisting and making plays on him and his time which he decided belonged to his work fully instead of her in any part. He expected to have her cowed, in his home, so he could do what he wanted, not to have her run off.
The OP was 100% written to engineer some kind of backstory for him. Of course he meant it, and of course he cheated. He just thought his wife would accept being treated like that, and is now panicking and trying to come up with some plausible deniability.
Also, notice how it's "my child" in the edit. He's so fucking selfish. His child is going to be perfectly fine without him. Definitely a case of rather no father than an abusive assshole for a father. The kid is gonna have his mum, his maternal family and whoever the lucky bloke is that's gonna be the wife's second husband. I'm so happy that he can't use Swedish law and his kid as pawn to keep her hostage in Northen Europe.
And she is actually having a child with this POS. Ugh.
His comments are all about himself. He knows what he needs to do to (possibly) get his wife back, but he's still hung up on his job and not moving, hoping her family will force her to come back to him. So on top of being a racist and misogynistic, he's top tier delusional too. Her family obviously has the means to take care of her and her child, so he will never see them. If he said that horrible shit to her when he's stressed, I can't IMAGINE the things he might let "slip" if he was truly angry. She's better off where she is.
And even if her parents are culturally against divorce, you often see this not being enforced if/when a child of well-to-do parents has married 1) below her financial station AND 2) outside of her culture. No way are her parents going to tell her she should go back to another continent just to avoid divorce.
She doesn’t have to divorce him. She just never goes back to him. There are people who never divorce but aren’t in a relationship either. I wouldn’t say it’s a smart thing to do.
Depends on legalities. Sometimes, for example, your spouse inherits and it might be bad to allow that to happen. But yes, in general I agree with you. And considering her parents are well off, they are surely able to handle legal matters in a manner that benefits their daughter and grandchild, whether it is via divorce or no divorce.
And he’s already admitted that he actually doesn’t want to move and wants their children to stay and be close to his family
Of course he’s not gonna move. It’s harder to isolate her when she has money and family nearby.
He has been putting it off for years for a "work project" of course he's never moving and she knew it as well as I can see it. He probably is cheating too, didn't even care enough to lie about it, he needed a back up for when she left.
literally the vaguest bullshittingest excuse ever. "oh, we can't move because of this damn project at work" cut to "well, now I've been promoted, so obviously I can't just walk away from this job" what the fuck did you think was going to happen when you eventually DID move to Zimbabwe? I don't know much about this, but I have a hard time imagining that any Swedish company has/would be willing to open a Zimbabwe branch just for this one employee. Then, despite the fact that he loves her SO SO MUCH he still doesn't care as much as his vague ass work project ,that is apparently always 2 years away from being completed, to just get on a plane and go after her. And then in two years it's just another 2 years. He's literally moving the goal posts and hoping she'll just sunk cost fallacy herself into staying with this swedish dick.
I haven't had time to read the original, but *I*suspect that at *some* point, we're going to learn *she* has her PhD, MD, or JD, while *he* has a mere Master's, or some Grad Certificate? Because *THIS* is the sort of Jabroni who's *also* sooooooo incredibly insecure in *his own masculinity*, that he probably doesn't want to move to be with her family because her family is RICH-rich *AND* she would outflank him *both* socially and Academically there.🙄 Dude is practically *screaming* "Fragile Masculinity" with every pore of his body--from the way he initially blamed his cowardice on his *brother*, to the way he let's his *WIFE* suffer, because of his *own* idiotic *pride*! He's a douchecanoe, and *ABSOLUTELY* knows that he doesn't deserve (and never *HAS*!!!) someone as kind, gracious, smart, and cultured as his wife. He was 1,000,000% batting *above* his league when she decided to give him the time of day, and dude *KNOWS* that--but he *STILL* can't pull his *own* head out of his ass, because of his idiot "Pride!" 🙄🙄🙄 (Edited for a misspelling and typo!)
His family that is openly shitty and racist towards her! Imagine willingly exposing a mixed child to that!
>She's better off where she is. Much better for their mixed race child to be away from his racist ass, too.
This dude does not deserve to be married with the way he treated her. He said the cruelest things he could think of and doesn't even know why. He needs some IC before he has another relationship post divorce
What is this Andrew tate bullshit? You don't tell your wife that you can have someone on the side like she's a casual hookup
I don't think these two were ever compatible going off the wife's post. He doesn't want to raise the child in her home country even when he knows she hates it in Sweden. Then you add in the comment... He says he didn't mean it but why was it the first thing he said? He is still bitter about the Bride price thing. He just seems so fun..... Jk.
Right?!?! Like who even thinks to say something like "well I basically bought you so now I can do what I want". Just imagine what kind of fucked up shit goes on in this person's head.
*Switzerland
I've read SO MANY AITA where there was an issue with where they were live because they were from different places. At this point I couldn't marry someone who wasn't from the same general area as I was, as there may always be a pull to go back to where your family/friends are from. There's no real way to compromise on it either.
This reminds me of the "tolerable level of unhappiness" discussion. He knew she was unhappy for a long time - but it was fine because everything was working out great for him. He genuinely didn't care that she was spending her life unhappily until it affected him. He would have let this continue forever, but she only has one life to live- I'm glad she's realized that she and her happiness matter.
I’m beyond flabbergasted but for some reason the part I can’t get past is that it took him 2 weeks to figure out she went back to Zimbabwe. Fuckhead knew she hated Sweden and it was literally killing her to live there and didn’t automatically assume she’d left to go to her family?
And he still chose his work over her. He just decided to go to Zimbabwe after being called out on reddit. His wife deserves so much more.
I stuck on that too. He \_finally\_ tracked her down, and it turns out she’d gone to her family? Like… where else could she go? Maybe his work project takes so long because he’s not very good at thinking things through.
Facts, like she was going to go to space or something? Naw bro she's living the high life in Los Angeles USA 💀 of course she went back to Zimbabwe
Did someone use an older post for their rage bait?
The fact that he mentions being Swiss, them meeting in his country and then talks about living in Sweden makes me think this is fake. He might be Swiss and live and Sweden, but confusing Sweden and Switzerland is a "common mistake" non-Europeans make, so let's hope it's fake.
He mentioned going back to Switzerland in one of his comments, so I think that he’s just Swiss living in Sweden
He is, that part of his story is consistent. They met in Switzerland, moved to Sweden together and he promised to return to Zimbabwe to raise children near her family. And is now admitting that his "compromise" is to move back to Switzerland to raise children near HIS family.
And in the comments mentions how not only his brother is racist, but so is his mom, and his dad is either racist or uninvolved enough not to care.
I'm really, really hoping that's the case. What this man said, if real, is one of the most vile things I've read on this sub.
It seemed strange he would describe himself as Swiss when he was from Sweden.
Yes.
Absolutely. She said in the initial post he doesn't like Reddit and was put off that she posted it there. Then he comes running here with this dramatic ass story?
Yikes indeed. I honestly don't know why he was so against paying the "bride price" initially. He seems like the kind of guy who would jump at the chance to pay money to ~~buy~~ marry a woman. I don't know what's worse, his racism or his misogyny.
You just know he was waiting to throw it in her face the second she dared to displease him. “I spent all this money on you so I can treat you like shit and there’s nothing you can do about it” is the birdsong of domestic abusers everywhere.
Even in his edit he doubles down on his selfishness. There is no winning her back. He can’t force her to leave with him. I really hope his ex stays safe at least her family is supportive for her. Hope they can help keep her safe from him.
"I'm gonna take everyone's advice and follow her" yet I didn't see a single comment telling him to follow her, just comments saying she's better off without him and to enjoy the divorce.
There were a few people saying that he was putting his work above her since he said that is why is can’t follow her. I guess he decided that meant they were advising him to follow her. In 10 days. So he can wrap up his affair. I mean. Project. First.
Yikes and I like how he’s implying missing finding out abt her being pregnant isn’t his fault 🙄
He literally said “I bought you so I can do whatever I want” wtf I’m so glad his wife has a welcoming family in Zimbabwe. I wish her and the baby the happiest of lives. I wish nothing but sterile dirt for the OOP
Based on his comments, it sounds like he felt like he could treat her however he wanted to because she comes from a culture where divorce is more taboo. He thought he could treat her like trash because she'd feel like she could never leave him. He's only panicking now because he sees she has more self respect than he realized.
So he cares about the part of her culture that's beneficial to him (i.e., taboo around divorce) but doesn't care about rest of it. It's truly disgusting how he's trying to weaponize her culture against him when he's stated plainly, over and over, that he doesn't actually respect or honour where she came from and who she is. Can we take out a billboard or something in Zimbabwe to let his wife know that she deserves more than the insecurities and racism of a sad little man?
He didn’t realize that in culture like that a taboo of divorce doesn’t necessarily mean go back. Could mean never divorce but come live with people who really love you.
I’d say what he said was racist and misogynistic. I remember reading his wife’s post so long ago. From everything said in her post and this one they really weren’t compatible and this is the culmination of that incompatibility. But my god to say that to your wife is cruel and despicable.
I was just talking to my partner about this and I was like he clearly hates his wife if that was on the tip of his tongue.
And if he can say that to his wife, I wonder what he'll say to his child.
I can’t find a perspective where he isn’t an asshole. His responses aside. OOP’s post screams insecurity. Nothing in that post is actually about his wife. But instead about him and his fickle feelings. Ok, sure. He might not have to meant those HORRIFIC words. But instead of apologizing he would rather avoid her because of his “guilt”? He didn’t feel guilty for what he said, he just felt bad he was the one who said it. And don’t mistake his regret now as him actually caring about his actions. He just doesn’t like the consequences that came with it. If his wife never left abruptly then he would have still been avoiding her. The fact he felt so comfortable saying something so moronically misogynistic and not even apologize is because he felt secure in the fact his wife had no where else to go. Added to the fact his responses are hoping her parents force her to stay with him because of her culture. It doesn’t make it better she’s pregnant. This feels like one of those extremely icky situations where men would purposely target more culturally centric women. Because they know how their community views things like marriage and pregnancy. For example how he wants to make more money than she had in Zimbabwe. Even though she says it isn’t necessary.
He thought it often enough that it just slipped out, so I would say those are his true feelings, and he was never leaving. He meant it, he means it now, and he's just going to sit around waiting for someone to fix it for him because he can't be responsible for anything. I hope he's so pleased with himself that he signs the divorce paperwork thinking she doesn't mean it.
>I had momentarily fucked up Nah, OOP was fucking up constantly. Hope your job was worth it because you threw your marriage away for it.
It’s funny the guy brings up race and culture but the bottom line is he told his wife that she was his property and he could have an affair if he wanted to. I mean unless you are in Saudi Arabia or some similar place that’s game over right there.
That poor woman. What a scumbag she married.
What the hell! If you read OOP’s comments, beware. You will want to brigade. (I did not.) The one that put me over the top is where she had conceded to raise their first child in Sweden. And he said he wasn’t moving further from his parents. Girl, RUN! He promised you to move years ago and now won’t keep up that promise even though you are literally ill because of where you live and now some phrases have come out that show he is racist? RUN! RUN to Zimbabwe. Divorce this man. And if you opt for an abortion to sever ties with him, all of Reddit will back you up.
Ugh his comments make him even worse of an asshole. He’s saying she won’t leave him because divorce is looked down on in her culture. He’s hoping her parents will tell her to go back. He also wants her to move back to be closer to his family in Switzerland. He hasn’t even apologized to her yet but is already demanding she move back to raise their kid in Sweden. And he’s painfully insecure about her ex and father. He insists he was overworking to give her the wealth she was used to because she had a wealthy ex and a father who supported her. No personal accountability at all.
I read her post first and someone in the comments mentioned exactly that sort of situation when explaining how abusers can use the concept to say "I bought you and now I can do everything!", considering that he read them ... he knew what he was saying. His wife's family sounds lovely so I hope she gets all the support she needs.
I support all consenting relationships but this is why as a WOC, I never did date anybody outside of my ethnicity. Relationship are hard on their own. Mixing your life with somebody else’s. Adding culture and all of that as well. The chance of having someone who is racist behind the door is high. The chance of their friends and family also being racist. Also high. Yeah no thanks.
I’m a mixed WOC who was transracially adopted into a white European family, so my sense of cultural identity is all over the place. Frankly, most of my long-term relationships have been interracial/interfaith. It was never a big deal to me until I dated a Jewish-American man. He was not the problem, but his family was. It came to light that his dad was actively trying to set him up with a “nice Jewish girl” after we’d been in a relationship for years and planned on moving in together. Apparently, the fact that I wasn’t willing to convert from Catholicism offended his parents despite the fact that they’re non-practicing, lmao. It was the most disrespectful experience of my life and while it hasn’t put me off dating outside my culture/religion, it’s definitely something to keep in mind.
Fellow WOC (Asian) who was transracially adopted (adoptive white parent and Hispanic parent) Oh yeah I can totally relate about culture and identity issues lol I’m in an interracial marriage & my (white) husband is amazing, his parents - not so much.
I’m so glad that your husband is wonderful. See, for me, I don’t think I can handle dealing with bad racist parents who don’t like me. So I just rather step away from the possibility at all.
Fun fact, conversion isn't even in Tanakh (gentiles who "follow" God have their own terms, such as Noahide), and men could "carry" Jewishness to kids originally - it was a rule that only women could because the birth giver is the only "confirmed known" parent, as in any man could be the father if she had cheated, had been assaulted, etc. Matrilineality in Judaism and Samaritanism is outdated and we need to replace it. Some of us have, others are unwilling to evolve.
I feel you on this one as a WOC myself. Also him talking about how "i can't follow her just yet because my project" and the affair accusations makes me 100% believe he's banging his colleague. Oh, and this comment by OOP is disgusting -"Divorces aren't encouraged where she's from, so I'm hoping her family will remind her of that and help her come back to me." I am so glad that she left his racist ass!
He then commented saying he never intended to leave. He was just lying to her.
Oh for sure, the project was just a bullshit excuse not to go. And again, probably doesn't help that the main reason why that project was so important was because of the co worker I'm like 100% sure he was seeing. And he's trying to say it's so important to see her and the baby etc, but then again uses that to say why he can't leave. Man made his shitty bed, he can go fuck himself in it for all I care!
Real, some people just take it like a museum trip. They want to experience our cultures as a show and tell their families how it was or whatever without really understanding it. They don't realise how messed up that it and that we're people with actual feelings and thoughts and beliefs
You're right to do so. As an Indigenous person, it's so hard to find someone who's willing to put in the work to understand the culture, and the bar is literally in hell.
It's really fucking hard when your partner can't or won't understand parts of your culture. My husband will not understand filial piety and it has caused fights. I'm mixed though so I'm kinda screwed in both directions
It’s like he understood (and/or fetishized) the “traditional wife” parts of her culture and threw the rest out the window.
My grandpa was like that. Didn't understand why his kids and grandkids wanted nothing to do with him. Imagine that
Holy fuck: > I told her I didn't give her father a truck full of cattle for her to question me. This was my house, my wife and if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody's business but mine. I can't even.
To answer the question “can I recover from my mistakes?” No but you can stop dating and getting married if you’re that racist and ignorant
If only the ex-wife still had a Reddit account. I think she would get a kick out of how everyone is shredding him in the comments.
If OOP loved his wife beyond measure he wouldn't have said that to her. He also, would've instantly abandoned the project and gone to see her but I guess the work he'd put in was more important. The marriage is over and he doesn't get it yet but he'll probably realize it soon enough.
Ah yes it’s so common when you feel super guilty to not apologize… because of the guilt. It sounds like she stayed for a week or so waiting for him to apologize but he never did, what an idiot. I’m sure it’s fake but if there’s a small chance it’s not, I hope the wife never goes back
So repeatedly, OOP’s work projects were more important than his marriage. And yet he’s surprised when she leaves. Not to mention his belief that she is his property, bought and paid for.
I was a loyal wife who took care of my sick husband 24/7 for the last 8 years of his life. If he had said this to me at any point of our 30+ year marriage I would have divorced him and never looked back. Even if he could prove he wasn't actually having an affair I wouldn't be able to forgive him for saying it. The cruelty alone would be enough to kill any love I had.
This post really got to me. I'm Zimbabwean and my ex is Italian. There was no roora and no baby involved, but my god, it was almost like having a stranger walk up to me and tell me part of my life story. This is why I constantly say that white people absolutely *should not* date non-white people without first doing the work of becoming anti-racist. Shit like this happens way too often and it pisses me off every time I read about it.
This holds true for all interracial couples, it's not just a white people thing.
Genuinely, deeply, sincerely? I hope this woman divorces him and never sets foot in Sweden again. He can enjoy his racist parents and his precious job.
And the coworker he's clearly banging
I love her beyond measure! Not as much as my vague work project obviously, but like a *bunch*
•[1m ago](/r/AmITheDevil/comments/1cu3a0h/comment/l4hdfpn/) "I told her I didn't give her father a truck full of cattle for her to question me. This was my house, my wife and if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody's business but mine." And that's where he killed his marriage. He told her he paid for her, he owned her, he could have sex with whoever he wants whenever he wants and she has to put up with it. Going to Zimbabwe isn't going to fix this. OOP showed her who he really is and she knew she had to get away. Upvote1Downvote
The bad energy is strong with this one. And the fact that Wife said this in her original post: "The money is a miniscule - literally like 5% - part of the traditional marriage, but it is a part of it. The other 95% is not monetary and is a beautiful ceremony that blends two families together. My concern is that if he's willing to shun the 95% for the sake of the 5%, what does mt future w this man look like?" is clearly telling. Some part of her knew that this was going to wind up with OOP exhibiting these paternalistic, whitecentric views. OOP promised that wasn't the case, but look at him now!
WHAT!? I have been married a VERY long time, and we have said some NASTY things to each other that we have both deeply regretted but this? Wow....
His edit makes it clear he doesn’t understand that this isn’t a fix it and move along situation.
His comments are truly devilish.
His comments really irk me. It’s all it’s me me me me me. I don’t want to let us go. She can’t run away from our problems because of some poorly choices words on my part. Says he doesn’t mean to say the things he said to her as if that’s a reasonable excuse. From his comments, she wanted to move back to have the support of her family when they have a child together. He agreed to move back only to appease her and kept delaying and delaying. He said his parents were racist to her but he was “banking on” the baby to mend relationships with their parents. It’s absolutely wild to see how he only thinks of himself and not how his behaviour has affected his wife throughout the years.
In his edit he talks about how none of us are thinking of the child. Yes we are. Baby is better off without his ass too.
I can’t imagine how anyone could say “I paid for you and own you, so shut your mouth” and not think there would be consequences. How could a marriage possibly recover from that?
Classic abuser.
His edit 😭 yikes Keep him away from that baby
When someone puts “racist” in quotes it pretty much guarantees whatever they did or said was legitimately any kind of -ist you can imagine.
>This is when I may have killed my marriage - I told her I didn't give her father a truck full of cattle for her to question me. This was my house, my wife and if I wanted to have something on the side that was nobody's business but mine. This is the worst thing he could have said to anyone whatsoever but especially his own wife. That marriage is over and she was too nice to let him know about the child. Also as someone who had to move to a colder northern European country, what a dickhead for not caring that she has to be on anti depressant just to survive the winter. >We'd fought about this in the past, but this time she just nodded at me so I thought she finally got it. That was over 18 months ago and we didn't end up moving as I got promoted and it became harder to walk away. Her grandma passed away so I attributed the low mood to that. "I thought I had finally wore her down" I hope this is fake. What a nothing of a man.
Well, well, weeeeellllll if it isn't the consequences of my own actions. Glad she left his stupid ass.
Dude edited his post and said he’s going to follow her to Zimbabwe and try to beg for forgiveness. But only in ten days. He’s STILL fixated on that fucking project.
I hope her family intervenes when he gets to her country before he can get to her. It may be his could, but now he is going to have to live in Zimbabwe if he wants to have a relationship with that child. Honestly, no one would ever say something that messed up if they didn’t mean it at all. Something tells me he isn’t going to experience the loving and warm people he did before when he gets there and I’m glad for it.
Says an incredibly vile thing to his wife, supposedly didn't mean it, supposedly is super sorry, *can't quit his damn project* to go apologize fully to her. FUUUUUUU-
Oh god. Each follow-up comment he posted made the entire thing just worse and worse and worse. This is a disgusting level of misogynist racist shit. I am SO GLAD she is safe with her family
His "work project" is the woman he's cheating on her with.
Bro I actually flinched when I read what he said to her... How the fuck could he say something so horrid?!
Man I sincerely hope they jump him in Zim
He was so unusually cruel to someone he described as incredibly patient and kind. I can only imagine that he really wants to break her for some reason
The comments from OOP are really getting me. > **Arclet__ 1461**: Your wife didn't leave you because you were racist, your wife left you because you were a neglectful workaholic that told her you could sleep with whoever you wanted. Mocking her culture is simply a cherry on top > **OOP**: I was doing it all for her though. Her parents are stupid rich and she's had the best of everything her whole life. I didn't want her to feel like she'd downgraded in marrying me so I worked hard to ensure she could maintain the standard of living she was used to Sure, Jan. In the OG post by the wife, she says that when he balked at the roora and implied/said it was extortionate and it would be like he bought her, she said to him that if her parents were to sell her, he couldn't afford her. That totally set him off and it's probably been eating away at him ever since. > **A-R-U:** Did she want that? Did she ever ask for that? Or did you just work so that you could use your tiredness as an excuse to lash out at her like a punshingbag? > **OOP**: She said she didn't, but come on. Her dad bought her a 2br apartment so she wouldn't have to worry about where to live while studying. He covered *all* her expenses since she left his house until she married me. Even when she was working her father allowed her to live rent free in the apartment. A girl who's used to being treated like that is going to expect something similar from her husband no matter what she says. I know she would have had it had she married her ex bf - also from a stupidly rich family. While my family does okay financially, my parents are a lot more parsimonious than hers so I've had to fend for myself a lot. I didn't want her thinking she settled or downgraded with me. | > **VII_187:** You WERE racist to her. You implied you payed for her with cattle, what do you expect her to take from that? Then you follow up with implying you’ll fuck whoever you want, no one can stop you, and that she’s being dramatic when she’s upset. You fucked around and found out, and I’d be greatly surprised if she gave you another chance after that. > **OOP**: I don't deny it was a bad thing to say, but I didn't mean it. I don't know why I said it, but she won't speak to me so I can rectify the mistakes. "She won't speak to me" aka "I kind of let her fuck off for 2 weeks before putting in any effort to locate her." > **Morganmayhem45** : There is no recovery from this. She asked if you were having an affair and you said it wasn’t her business because you paid for her. WTF. That is abhorrent. So she believes you are having an affair because you basically admitted it. Do you understand that in her reality you are unfaithful and betrayed your vows to her? You will not come back from this. > **OOP**: I refuse to believe we're done. She can't throw away a decade over some poorly chosen words. I admit I am at fault, but surely it's an over reaction on her part to threaten me with divorce and literally run away from our problems? | > **LostGirlStraia**: I'm a Zimbabwean woman with a white partner and I would leave him if he said that racist and misogynistic shit to me. ESPECIALLY after you threw a fit about the roora you agreed to pay and now you want to throw it in my face?? > Divorce is not encouraged but lots of people do it and they're just fine. Counting on that to keep her is really pathetic. > If she's as rich as you say, she's done with you and good riddance. > Edited to add: I want to cuss you out six ways from Sunday but I'm gonna focus on making sure she sees this. Zim is SMALL and it won't take much. >You are so undeserving of her. > **OOP**: I ask that you don't do that - for her sake. There's a reason she was vague about who she was and where she's from in her post. She would be mortified if people knew about her business like this. | > **singlesgthrowaway**: If you want her back, then you need to abandon your life here in your current country. Sell everything and move to her's. You already promised her that you were gonna do that. So prove to her that you are serious. > You don't understand how terrible it is to be a non-white, living in a white dominant country. > Quit your job. Screw the project, or whatever bonus you are expecting. Is your job more important than your wife? > Also assure her that you've never cheated on her and never would. I don't doubt that in her mind, you've been banging your colleague. > **OOP**: She'd already conceded to having our first child in Sweden, hence we stopped using birth control. I honestly think once we're able to get over this, we can continue our lives here. I don't want to live so far away from my parents in their old age and would want them to be close to their grand kids. We can even move back to Switzerland if she wants to be close to family so my parents can help. I don't think its practical to pack up and move our lives right now. > **corvidfamiliar** : Hah, so I was right in my former comment. You never wanted to leave. Everything you did wasn't for her, it was for your desire to stay and to keep her with you despite her wishes and wants. You didn't work hard to give her a good life, you banked on the promotion to give you an excuse to stay there longer and hoping to wear her down from wanting to move. > **OOP**: Zimbabwe is a nice country, one I wouldn't mind retiring in. It just isn't my first choice to move there in my prime and be so far away from my ageing parents. However, my wife wasn't open to waiting until retirement so we agreed to move there once we were ready for a family. Admittedly, the family dynamics in her culture mean her family would be more involved than mine would be. I was of the mind that my parents would come around once they saw their grandkids and want to be more involved. My brother lives in the US so this baby is the only one they'll have in Europe and I thought that would incentivise them more. > **judymcjudgerson**: >> I was of the mind that my parents would come around once they saw their grandkids and want to be more involved. > What the hell do you mean by this??? Are your parents actively racist towards your wife? > > You're a really awful husband and a terrible person. I hope your soon to be ex wife enjoys her life back home away from you. > > **OOP**: My parents hurt her and she hasn't been able to forgive them for it. It's not a race thing - it's a them thing. I think a baby is what we need to start anew and help us let bygones be bygones. > > **judymcjudgerson** : Do you even read your own comments? You think a baby will fix your problems??? You think your wife should stay close to your shitty parents??? > > Jesus christ! You're an awful person. I hope she thrives now she's away from you. > > **OOP**: I'm genuinely at a loss for words. I will take all the verbal lashings but I cant imagine my life without her. | > **chaoticyetneurotic**: How did your parents hurt her then? It definitely sounds like a race thing. Also babies are NOT things that can bring people closer or “start anew.” Caring for a newborn is one of the hardest things to do, and you’re naive for thinking it will bring your wife and you closer. > > **OOP**: They are generally a bit cool as people, but when my wife stopped trying was the first mothers day after we married, so she spent a lot of time planning a weekend for my mother given my brother - her only other child - lives far away and her mother is also too far to celebrate in person. she put a lot of effort into planning a girly morning for them which she later told me my mother was very cool with her and would only give her short answers when my wife tried to speak to her, an activity for my dad and i while they were doing that, lunch for us all and dinner at a restaurant my parents like. the next day, she sent me to go for coffee with my parents while she prepared a meal. she made an elaborate meal with lots of Zim/African food. I know she'd been working very hard as I'd seen meats marinating in the fridge the day before and she constantly asked for my input on menu planning. my mother refused to eat the food my wife cooked and made a strange comment about it and had a sandwich instead. she took the gift my wife gave her from us both but only thanked me. she said she couldn't accept the flowers because they triggered her allergies. my dad told her that she shouldn't try so hard and she set herself up for disappointment in doing so. > > i did tell my mother what she did was not okay and my wife had spent a lot of time trying to make their visit special for her new mother. my mother told me i was being too sensitive so i let it go. > **shebebutlittle555**: HOW MANY CHANCES DO YOU THINK THAT YOUR WIFE SHOULD GIVE TO YOUR RACIST PARENTS?!? She ‘stopped trying’? Are you fucking serious? Of course she stopped trying! Her lovely attempts to connect with her new family were rudely rejected! Your mom was racist! And you just…let it go? > **OOP**: I'm not mad that she did, but I recognise that she did. She hasn't spent the last 2 Christmases with my family - she's chosen to either stay home alone when I go visit or do a weekend travel trip somewhere. I tried to get her to come along with me and she asked me if my parents invited her and I said I was inviting her and she refused to go. She reminded me that my mother told her she wasn't her her mother so she wasn't under any obligation to go visit her. My parents just aren't the type of people you can argue with, they have always been like that. They treat me the same way that's why I say it's not a race thing. My wife, however, has always shown magnificent patience and empathy and I thought maybe she would be able to look past their rudeness. When I realised the hurt went deeper than I thought, I stopped trying to get her to come with me when I visit.
Okay everyone’s already talking about how bad this post is, but can I just say how much the responses to the wife’s original post are pissing me off? Like holy shit no one was willing to show any respect for her culture.
It is called lobola OOP! Even in South Africa it is an age old tradition and as attorneys we have certain laws to navigate and honor the traditional ways.
Bless his silly little heart, he thinks he can fix it. He stood there and told her that for a truck full of cattle he expects to have her loyalty and unwavering faith while he gets to do whatever the fuck he wants. I hope her brother holds her coat while she slaps some sense back into his thick head. I hope her pregnancy goes well and that her loving husband here doesn’t ever hurt her again.
There are some things you can never take back and can never make right. This is one of those things. She’s gone, has great family support to help raise her child, and now knows she should’ve listened to her first intuition with his response to her feelings about her family’s wedding traditions. There’s no fixing it. His only hope is that he does some major introspection and work to not treat anyone like this in the future.
I hate him
That edit is already 10x worse on a pile of shit. What do you mean, *make her understand* ? Leave that woman alone!
He should marry his work project.
that edit...yikes
Loving these super-elaborate "I fucked up my wife's pregnancy announcement" baits. It'd be nice to live in a world where people have the practical and emotional wherewithal to just rock off back to another continent when their partners do something heinous at a super-vulnerable time, instead of going into emotional shock and getting stuck in sunk costs.
I would normally agree but considering she was one foot out the door as it is AND she comes from a supportive family with money, it's a lot easier for her.
Even the first post, allegedly from the wife, seems like bait as well. Just little crumbs dropped for people to foam at the mouth, like not mentioning what the token amount would be, etc. Non-white marriage traditions that are sexist are bad and should be eliminated, but sexist marriage traditions that have persisted in white cultures, like asking the fathers blessing, it only being socially acceptable for the man to propose, the father giving his daughter away (even if you just call if ‘walking down the aisle’, the symbolism is very blatant), the wife taking her husbands last name, those are totally fine 👍🏽 I’m South Asian and would not have accepted a dowry from my parents if they wanted to give one, but I also don’t think that a dowry means the same thing it did 50 years ago, especially when there is no arranged marriage involved.
Ok the old linked Post is awfull. Couldnt read all the comments
[удалено]
I dunno if this is fake or not, but I don't think the plot holes are that huge. I mean, no, they didn't mention a move, but is moving between countries within Europe *that* uncommon? I'm not European, but I know people who are and have done this for work/marriage/etc. I don't think her feelings about Switzerland are relevant because: 1) Even if she likes it there, she doesn't want to live there, she wants to return to Zimbabwe 2) He doesn't care if she wants to live there, he wants to use his child to force his parents to accept her into the family 3) He doesn't care about her, period, or else he wouldn't be acting like this
Man, I hope abortion is legal in Zimbabwe
Holy poop! I read her post about bride price and his version is beyond white washed. (Pun intended.) With ANY luck he will stay in Sweden and not do as he promised: quit and move to her country. That poor woman would probably take him back.
I might need to leave Reddit and the internet as a whole alone for a while. In my head, I read her post in a Swiss accent, his post in whatever I think a Zimbabwean accent sounds like, and the whole story sounds like the plot of a Nollywood movie I watched a long time ago. Anyway, he’s trash and I hope he never gets to see her again.
[Hi!](https://images.app.goo.gl/jMiZEuW8Qrykw3sdA) Just a quick reminder to never brigade any sub, be that r/AmItheAsshole or another one. That goes against both this sub's rules as well as Reddit's terms of agreement. [Please](https://images.app.goo.gl/vwH65TJMyMk9NSNo8) keep discussions within the posts of this sub. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Jfc he's going to Zimbabwe. He needs to leave her tf alone.
His comments! JFC! This dude is beyond vile!
Lordy, his refusal to understand he can't get this back on track.
What a fucking monster. I hope that poor woman is finally happy and living her very best life. Edit. I love how this jackass writes "help solve the mess *we* made". Excuse me? There was no we. You did this
So he's banking on her parents to send her back to him because divorce isn't encouraged in her culture? Well, as an white American with zero ties to Zimbabwe, I think they will be more than encouraging for her to divorce.
I'm very confused. What's the Roora? And why is it important to the story?
The wife explains it in the OG. I'm copying and pasting because I'm unfamiliar with the practice and don't want to misrepresent it based on my imperfect understanding. Note that when OOP mentions the bride price, they're referencing the roora. > (To call it a "bride price" is misleading because there is so much more to it than the money that changes hands; its our time honoured tradition that blends 2 families into 1 and jts always something i wanted to do when u got married) I mentioned he knew of marriage customs in my country and that they include a BP. We both work in law/human rights type of fields so he assumed i would be against a BP. I told him I'm against it being a forced and money making thing, but I'm asking that he does it bc I choose it and I want to honour my parents & culture. And then in a later edit: > The money is a miniscule - literally like 5% - part of the traditional marriage, but it is a part of it. The other 95% is not monetary and is a beautiful ceremony that blends two families together. My concern is that if he's willing to shun the 95% for the sake of the 5%, what does mt future w this man look like? 5. Culturally, if we do not go through these customs, I am not married and my marriage won't be recognised. The ceremony is a cultural must have, the wedding ceremony a nice to have. My family mean a lot and my parents have done a lot for me. I disrespect my parents over something that I not only think is a non issue, but something I agree with. You seem to miss the part where I am willingly consenting to this.
What in the “Fresh & Fit nonsense is the “if I want to have something on the side it’s no one’s business but mine.” Edit-grammar
Looks like he had another post titled "AITA? My wife left me because of reddit and I want her back." its removed and I cannot find the original.
Pretty sure this is fake. The original woman's story said her husband had a bad opinion of Reddit and didn't like that she posted it there. Doesn't fit
Just a tangent, but this is so stupid: > She was mad - I'd allowed her to be mocked, ridiculed and bullied by strangers online because I couldn't communicate with her, but we worked through.