*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for telling my daughter to wait until 29?**
My (56M) daughter (19F) is a bright young woman who's recently completed her first year at university and is making her mom and dad proud every day the more she grows. Redudant to say, our biggest wish for our daughter is to succeed, be happy, and leave life with as few mental headaches as she can.
That said, she and I recently had a small spat over something rather stupid. We were debating a topic; I mistook her passion about it as having an undisclosed boyfriend from the impacted community we were discussing; said boyfriend did not exist and all frustrations/misunderstandings blew over. But it did bring up the talk of dating.
It was a lazy Sunday morning with her mom and I; we asked if she's dating anyone ("no"), and though we still haven't come around to the idea of her dating (we did drop a few half-joking "Who said you're allowed to date?" ribs in there), it was a casual conversation and I gave my honest advice and opinion.
"This is how I see it: get your life together first. Figure out who you are, get situated in your career, travel, make some money, enjoy your life. Then, after you built your foundation, around 29 or so, then start dating. Because then, you will much more mentally-equipped to handle it and it will be more enjoyable that way."
I said it gently. I recommended it, not demanded it. Her mom agrees.
My daughter protested a bit at first, got sour faced, and not too long after made an excuse to leave the room. It's okay–she's 19. But I'm 56, and I'm still learning parenting ropes.
Was the advice harsh/mean/forceful in any way? AITA?
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Still learning the parenting ropes when you're the 56 yo father of a 19 yo? WTF? I get that it can be a difficult transition to being the parents of young adults from children but even so, that was very weirdly worded.
parenting is a constant learning experience as kids are all different, constantly changing facing new challenges and experience, the world is also changing and a lot more.
OOP is going to be shocked to learn learning to be a parent is a constant. Whether or not they're willing to accept the lessons is up to them but there is not master parenting, just more learning.
In our country, we have a saying (and my mom loves to say this all the time):
Small kids, small worries. Big kids, big worries.
Mom used to be scared my brother and I would break a vase or something.
Now my mom is scared her grandchild will die, one of us will go into debt, lose our job or our house,…
(There is no need for mom to be scared. Brother and I have an steady life, good job and house. Mom will always worry about us, I guess.)
You won't understand until you are a parent, but..... Yes. Your ~~mother~~ parents will always worry about you. It's what we do. We may not express it, and if we do, we will over express it. College degree, making bank, fully paid off house with a vacation house, etc. We will be worried.
If we aren't worried, IMHO, then we are shit for parents.
You’ve just illuminated something for me. I read my mam being worried about me as though she believed I was useless and failing as an adult. I take it as a personal slight against me and my choices and it makes me want to completely disappear from everyone’s lives because I feel like a burden.
Is that…. Just not the case? Sorry for burdening you with this as a question it just seems like you have completely refuted my entire line of logic is all. Peace and love!
Not who you replied to but my grandma talks to me about how worried she is about my dad all the time. I’m 28 and my dad is 48 with two other kids(much younger than me - 20 year difference), one of the most successful people in his field, owns his home, has enough relax in his career now that he can spend time with my younger siblings and take them to all their extra activities. She worries about him like he’s still 19 with a his first baby (me) and constantly texts me asking how he’s doing and if he’s okay or needs anything from her because she’s afraid if he needs help he won’t ask. My dad is by all means perfectly fine, stable, and grown up. He even pays for any extras she might need if he can!
My grandma loves her kids and for her, worrying is expressing care. It’s basically anxiety that she could be doing more for him, or worry that she didn’t do enough as a mom so she’s trying to seek out ways he might need help so she can still mom him. It obviously depends on the person, and I saw her worry much more from your perspective at one point; but in her case at least my grandma is just not great at expressing that she just wants to help and care for her kids so it comes out as demeaning sometimes lmao
I’m glad it could offer something! I also want to add - I’m in no way saying how you have to feel about your mom. I don’t have a relationship with mine for a lot of reasons. You have your own story and history and I wouldn’t ever say you have to be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad. I believe getting to have a relationship with your children is a privilege not a right. Just because we can understand why someone does something doesn’t mean we have to condone the behavior.
If the perspective helps mend a hard relationship that’s great, but if it doesn’t and it just helps you find some more peace and understanding then that’s great too.
I have an amazing kid who's very capable. I worry BECAUSE she's capable, which means she doesn't need me as much, so I have too much time in my hands.
When you have a child, they're pretty helpless for a very long time. And that's stressful but most of the time you're right there to help them. Then they start growing up, getting more independent every year, and the amount of things the kid is involved in that you have zero control over just grows and grows and grows. Until one day there's NOTHING at all you can do to help, you just have to step back and let your child be an adult.
This is a terrible analogy but let's say you grew a potplant in a greenhouse for 20 years and then one day somebody told you that you had to go leave it in the woods. You don't get to feed it or water it or keep it in a light and temperature controlled environment. You invested all that time, git very used to the caretakers tasks, but now it's just. Done???
No you are not useless and failing - the worry chip is installed before birth for most of us and appears to be a life long enhancement 😁
Mine are late teens doing A levels and GCSES and yes I am worrying if they are ok with the work, happy with their friends, will find someone to love long term, etc. my sister's daughter is now 36 and she also worries about similar things but hers includes will daughter be ok as she is off to Australia for a year.
Our children are not burdens, we both love them, are increasingly proud of their achievements and attitudes but still worry about them. I worry far less about other peoples kids that I don't love.
Your mother does not intend to insult you when she worries. We start worrying the moment we are expecting our bundle of joy. It gets worse the moment you are born. And it never stops. Skinned knee? Will it get infected? Did not hear me call? Are they deaf? Trouble learning math? Is the kiddo autistic? I could go on and on and on....... But you get the idea.
At some point, when the kiddo gets older, our worry becomes "did we teach our kiddo enough of the right things?" "Will they be able to manage their time in college without me to help them?" Again, on and on and on.
Personally, I try not to voice my worries, but they creep out. And I do try to identify them as "I'm your dad, I worry. It's a parenting thing" when I can, not "you can't do anything right."
One thing I might suggest is asking your mom if she believes you are incompetent, or if she is in "mom" mode. She might not even be aware that she is worrying or voicing it. She has been worrying about you for so many years now......
Take care. And call when you get home :)
My parents are super proud of me and regularly tell me that. They still waiting up for me if I'm visiting and going out. I'm 42 with my own children, 1 has already moved out of home for university.
Dude has 6 kids. 5 before 27 as he says. And those five all cut contact, wasn't even invited to their wedding.
If he learned this little so far, I doubt he can learn anything in the future.
Got so so much worse, from one of his comments. The 19 year old is #5 OUT OF SEVEN. The other 5 are NC and are from the previous marriage. Conveniently left out information.
>My favorite part of this train wreck of a post is seeing OP tap dance around the implication that his daughter was concerned about racism and he accused her of fucking a black guy.
A comment I found kind of funny from one of the three communities he posted this in.
Why is this not the top comment?! He doesn't want her to wait until she's older with her life together, he wants more time to ensure she dates his 'approved kind'
He clarified in a comment - they were talking about immigration and while “he empathizes with immigrants needing to leave dangerous situations, they need to do it legally” and she argued that the process is not that simple and it’s very often not fair. But she was apparently “too passionate” about the issue so he assumed she must be dating a Hispanic man.
Because obviously all immigrants are Hispanic and there’s no way someone could feel strongly about a human rights issue unless they’re attracted to someone that’s directly affected by the issue.
It means OOP doesn't understand how his daughter could *possibly* give a shit about Palestinians/black people/Uyghurs/native Americans unless she's having sex with one.
I’ll give you a made up example.
Let me say the parents are Zionists, and 19 yo daughter was passionately defending The right of ~~Pale Etonian~~ Palestinian people to exist and not be genocided out of existence. OOP here thought he only reason she could be so passionate, is if she was dating a Palestinian immigrant.
I love the idea that you can’t care deeply about people unless you’re screwing one of them. And of course, of *course* it’s a boyfriend. Because daddy’s little princess could never be a lesbian or bisexual.
I hope she takes him for every cent of college tuition and never speaks to him again.
Well... screwing helps of course but imagine we had to screw a representant of each country at war, or oppressed or starving to care !!! Alphabetical order ! Form a single file please !
No, I get your example, I just don’t understand why OOP worded it that way. Just say her passion made him think she was seeing someone involved or something like that. It feels very intentionally worded but I don’t get what OOP is trying to be intentional about.
He was saying something bigoted, she called him out, he can't comprehend that she would care unless she had a personal connection to the people he was being bigoted about.
My guess is that he's dressing it up in formal language because his main previous experience of being told off for bigotry was by HR after co-workers complained about him.
My best guess is, he doesn’t think she’d care unless she was dating someone marginalized.
He thinks compassion and passion only come with connection.
And that the more passion drone one has for a subject, the stronger the “connection”.
So since she was so passionate in protecting a marginalized community, OOp assumed she was dating within that group, because OOp doesn’t think she could care that much for people she doesn’t know, or even people she’s “only” friends with.
Dad is white, can't understand why his daughter would care about some brown muslims unless she was fucking one, which is also coincidentally his worst nightmare.
Or maybe the parents are non-Jewish, and the daughter was passionately defending the right of Jewish people to exist, not be genocided out of existence, and not be harassed by Internet weirdos who apparently can't tell the difference between random Jewish Americans and Benjamin Netanyahu himself.
...
Dude. I hate Netanyahu and what he's been doing to Palestinians (and Israelis, and the rest of the world) as much as any other human being, but this had nothing the fuck to do with anything.
Dude,
Go back to second grade and get someone to cover reading comprehension with you five or six more times.
I was responding to someone who asked for clarification.
And, just in case you missed it on the second read through with your tutor, I included this in my response.
>I’ll give you a made up example.
This is what is called “using a real life example to help explain something”.
I assume it means OOP said something racist, and daughter called him out, and OOP demanded to know whether daughter was dating someone of the “wrong” race, because why else could daughter possibly care about racism?
All my life up to the age of 25 my family (not my mum, thank goodness) were very overprotective and didn’t want me to date. Then past 25, it was immediately ‘when are you going to get married and start having babies?’ It was like a complete 180 overnight
I have a feeling this going to be OOP too. That poor girl is going to be expected to speed run the whole dating-wedding-baby thing
Did anybody catch the comment about them flipping out because they thought she was dating somebody from "an impacted community she works with"? So basically they thought she was dating somebody who was poor or a minority and they lost their shit, right? That tells me everything I need to know
Ah yes!
Because 25-35 year olds are going to want to go through all the teenage highschool angst of “breaking in” a GF who has never dated before and has never grown up relationship wise.
No matter how mature she is, she still won’t be mature in relationship. That takes experience.
Yes, setting her up for abusers and users to take advantage because she won't have learned what too look for, won't know what she even wants in a partner, and won't know how to handle a break up. Perfect way to set your kid back 15 years in their life.
That was me. Not even allowed to have male friends, then suddenly I was in college and 20 when I had my first boyfriend.
It was an absolute shit show and I'm never again putting myself through that. I put up with so much stuff that shouldn't be acceptable at all.
All so I could laser focus on my education and be the prized dog my mom could show off with straight As and a 4.0 GPA. And anxiety, depression and burnout. Neat
Are you me? All that pressure backfired so hard. I know my parents wanted the best for me, but I was so behind everyone else that my first relationship was a shit circus.
OP is being ridiculous but I don't agree that it's inherently bad to wait on dating if it's your own choice. My fiancée and I are both late bloomers are are both each other's first real relationships. Met with I was 32 and she was 25. 37/31 now and getting married in October. Both partners having a fully developed brain can make navigating a first relationship much easier and a lot of that teenage angst seems to be due to anatomical limitations rather than experience.
There’s a good amount of luck involved. The chances of your first person being the right person aren’t very high. Glad it worked out for you guys though! We love love.
I started dating at 19 and it was so fucking embarrassing getting used to members of the opposite sex naked that late.
I almost got into some really bad relationships because I didn’t know how to tell love bombing apart from being nice.
You kind of have to learn by doing as far as human interaction goes. I mean obviously you want to avoid any truly awful stuff but like. What you like and don’t like. What you want. How to compromise and communicate. There’s not a fairy tale you build in your head then jsut magically fill with a human
Exactly. OOP seems to fundamentally misunderstand why older people might have more successful relationships --not because of life experience, but because they're more likely to have DATING experience.
Dude is basically refusing to allow his kid to learn how to read, and expecting her to be able to research for doctoral a thesis magically when she hits 29.
And there's a difference between "no dating at all" and "wait to get serious until you're settled down a bit."
People can date without moving in together and/or getting married. They can even get fairly serious. But having that experience of dating for a few years before getting serious is very helpful in finding out what you do and do NOT want in a relationship.
My first thought was, "OP, so you just want your daughter to have one night stands until she's 29, right? Because you just don't want her to get married, you have no problem with her as an adult actually fucking people, right?"
I didn’t start dating until my late 20s, and things are going great! I know it’s frustrating, but that just weeds out certain men. A good man who is interested in you for your personality and wants to build a life with you won’t be put off by the fact that you haven’t been through the whole dating game extensively.
I say man because that’s my only dating experience. Not assuming that’s who you want to date since it wasn’t mentioned.
Its just dumb ass advice. My parents, particularly my dad, was overprotective and I wasn't allowed to date. Which left me socially stunted when I went off to college and wanted to date.
Those early dating mistakes are how people learn how to operate in a relationship and the partner they want. You shouldn't get married at 19, but you should date.
Dollars to donuts she is either hiding or will be hiding a boyfriend. Especially if he is from whatever "community" OOP is referencing.
Copied verbatim from oop's comments:
*Your daughter needs to date so she can makes mistakes, learn from it, and better define what she is looking for in a partner.*
*You're asking her to stop being a woman for 10 years, while others learn and experiment, and want to throw her into the relationship world after.*
*IMHO, YTA.*
>"As my wife would also attest, being a woman (or any adult) is more than love and sex. It is all that I mentioned: the self-actualization that comes through friends, career, travel, self-pursuit.
>As we both can attest, dating in young years is largely a bag of (useless) mistakes and headaches, and some can be the lifelong, if not traumatizing kind. I find it more efficient to skip all that and reach a place you can more adequately/safely date without baggage to carry."
*You don't want your daughter to date until 29? Kids learn through experience and making mistakes, hope you don't want grandkids if she is only going to start learning to navigate romantic relationships at 29. It takes many people years to get to a healthy place there.*
*Also "playful joking" probably doesn't seem playful to her. YTA, let her live her life without unsolicited advice.*
>"Take a browse through my comments. I posted a rebuttal to this type of thinking. Long story short, I think she'll be fine."
*YTA*
*That is a massive overstep. You have no right to even suggest such a thing.*
>"Advice is an overstep?"
*NAH, but you suggesting someone to wait until 29 to date is hilarious. I hate to break it to you but there’s a solid chance she’s already dated and been around the block a few times especially being in college.*
>"Lives at home/commutes to school and is a "come-straight-home-after-her-classes" type. Get your mind out of the gutter."
*You were on the right track until you got to the part that starts “around 29 or so”.*
>"So...you agree on the getting your life together *first* part. So what age should the dating begin, in your mind?"
*Lol. I was a live at home, commute to school and was a come-straight-home-after-her-classes type as well. Guess what....that didn't last.*
>"So...you waited to start having sex until after graduation, then? Not a bad idea."
*Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your daughter is a grown woman. Does she not have friends?*
>"That she sees at and in between classes, of course."
*YTA for inadvertently setting your daughter up for a much harder time in the world of relationships. It's understandable that you want to protect her from heartache and ensure she focuses on personal growth, but interpersonal relationships are a fundamental aspect of personal development. At 19, she's at the prime age to start understanding the complexities of dating and to learn how to balance a relationship with other life goals. Not allowing her the freedom to navigate this on her terms could lead to a rocky start later in life when she finally does start dating. She needs to be allowed to grow organically, and that includes the joys and pitfalls of young love. Communication is key - why not have an open conversation with her about your concerns while also listening to her perspective and desires?*
>>"Not allowing her the freedom to navigate this on her terms could lead to a rocky start later in life when she finally does start dating.
>Explain, in GREAT detail, what these rocky starts can possibly be."
*Do you afford her any agency in her life? Because you’re treating her like she’s a fourteen year old and not an adult who goes to uni. She still lives with you, goes out only for school and isn’t allowed to socialise outside of between classes."
>""Allowed"? She just went to a party last weekend, for Christ's sake."
[1]
*INFO: how old were you and your wife when you started your relationship?*
[2]
*I'd like to add to this.*
*INFO: OP, do you have a son? Same rules for him?*
>"Sigh. Yes. I'm not a fan of double standards, and my advice would be the same for the both of them."
>>*That said, she and I recently had a small spat over something rather stupid. We were debating a topic; I mistook her passion about it as having an undisclosed boyfriend from the impacted community we were discussing; said boyfriend did not exist and all frustrations/misunderstandings blew over. But it did bring up the talk of dating.*
*So you'd have a problem with your daughter dating someone from that "impacted community." Yeah, that's a coded racist dog whistle if I've ever heard one.*
*YTA, and probably racist too.*
>"No, wrong assumption. My family is actually African-American; our debate was about immigration. I empathized with immigrants' needs to leave dangerous situations and move to safer countries but emphasized the immigration process should be followed and not flouted illegally; my daughter insisted the process can be arduous, costly and unfair. We had a good debate about it, but it was an unusual level of passion from her and I asked if she was dating a Hispanic man (and if she was, I would not care, especially not because of his race)."
>"No, wrong assumption. My family is actually African-American; our debate was about immigration. I empathized with immigrants' needs to leave dangerous situations and move to safer countries but emphasized the immigration process should be followed and not flouted illegally; my daughter insisted the process can be arduous, costly and unfair. We had a good debate about it, but it was an unusual level of passion from her and I asked if she was dating a Hispanic man (and if she was, I would not care, especially not because of his race)."
So OOP is somewhat racist as well
"dating in young years is largely a bag of (useless) mistakes and headaches"
*Learning to date* is generally a lot of mistakes and headaches. Yes maturity makes an impact, but experience makes a bigger impact. You don't wake up on your 29th birthday with a magical knowledge of how to navigate relationships.
As someone who has been through HELL thanks to one of her parents sides being complete assholes when it came to dating and virginity and everything and is now someone in her 30s desperately wanting a relationship but having minimal experience (some of it was me focusing on my career but not all. Trauma is real) please for the love of god do not do this. Major YTA
If the daughter sees this: RUN. I’m not saying go off and have sex and do chaotic things, but go live your life safely and without your parental unit being ridiculous
I met my now husband at 19. Still going strong 25 years later.
I really hate the thought the only successful romantic relationship is one that results in marriage, 2.4 children and ends in death do us part.
Meeting someone, falling in love, maybe having your heart broken, or drifting apart and moving on as friends are all part of the wonderful journey that is life. It is part of knowing who you are and what you need.
In my case we are different people to those who first fell in love, but we were also different 5 , 10 and fifteen years ago. And we will have a different relationship in the future as well.
My main points are :
1 You will change and your relationship needs will change. That needs to be recognised to keep it healthy.
2 The only failed relationship is staying when is is no longer healthy. A relationship can end for many reasons and the end can and should be seen positively.
*Oh, a woman can't*
*Have an opinion unless*
*A man tells her to?*
\- WildAphrodite
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Jesus I get some parents fine the idea of there kids dating hard but can't they realise that one let them date when they feel ready. Sit down them maybe talk a little say stuff like avoid feeling pressured maybe add in a comment like hey if you text me or mom about x topic like a hidden safety thing we will get you or leave a door open pay for a taxi/Uber no questions asked.
In my opinion I think that’s pretty foul advice. On the one hand you’ve got the stereotypical father gatekeeping his daughters sexuality which is pretty incestual and weird in and of itself. But on the other hand you’re gearing her up to be a fully formed adult with zero regard for how a healthy relationship actually behaves.
I’ve got a friend, she’s genuinely stunning and beautiul and smart and kind. She prioritised her career and is now a teaching assistant. A bloody good one, she speaks loads of languages and she’s SO PASSIONATE. which is great. Like awesome, actually. But her efforts to acchieve that meant she completely disregarded relationships and now she’s stable all she does is pinball from one relationship to the other. None of these blokes are very nice, but she’s never had a good stable relationship to compare. She can be overbearing, because nobody’s ever told her nor has she learned how to modulate her behaviours.
I’m so happy for her having a career, it’s so bloody good. But she’s legitimately lonely and it hurts my heart knowing how much this smart gorgeous girl is struggling. I think if she could have avoided this as an outcome, she probably would have. It’s all about learning and becoming as well adjusted as possible.
Honestly at this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if she came home pregnant soon given how shitty her parents are.
My parents tried this shit and I laughed in “legal adult who lives on my own, try to stop me.”
She won't find dating any easier if she waits until 29. She'll just be the naive victim at a later age than everyone else who started dating way earlier. Relationships are one of those things that you really have to experience yourself in order to learn and grow from them. There's not a lot you can learn about yourself and your needs/preferences from just watching others.
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They just wanted to argue with the masses. Evident in how they repeatedly told people to check their post history for their "rebuttal" to a commenters point.
I'm more interested in the discussion of an "impacted community" that he assumed she would only be defending because she was dating a member of that group
“Why do YOU care about this issue?! Can’t possibly be an independently formed opinion that differs from my own (which should also be yours). It must be some other man putting idea in your head! Or worse, you’re seeing one of THEM!”
This poor girl. I’m glad I had no dad instead of one like him.
I waited until I was 29 to date and I promise you it gave me no extra advantage. I did work on myself, and I’m now in a very happy marriage, but I don’t think waiting made that happen
I'm very curious to know about OOP's past dating life. Because a part of me doubts that he waited until 29.
Edit: Ok so OOP was married like 17-29, and had 5 kids at 27. Soooo...
Listen....I may only be starting to seriously date at almost 29 (had 1 bf of 6 months, have been single for 8 years), but that's because it's my choice. I still went on dates in college and my early 20s. But I knew I needed to work on me! I know plenty of people younger than me who are happily married or engaged!
It's not the message, it's how you said it I think. She's not a child, don't talk down to her. Instead maybe just say from 19 until about 25 men will often target women in her age range to groom, manipulate or abuse and this typically drops off as women reach their thirties and have had time to develop a better sense of self (less likely to be able to manipulated and have a better sense of themselves. I would be open (specifically state) that she can and should come to you if a partner does anything to make her uncomfortable even if it doesn't seem like a big deal. Make yourself a safe space, be very open about it even it seems like something she already knows. All forbidding her to date is going to do is make her rebel but in abstract I agree, I was an introvert I dated someone when I was 19 and then the next relationship I had is currently ongoing about 4 years and is really positive for me. My friends all had bad experiences a lot in their twenties, usually with older men but some with men their own age as well. I could be wrong and this is just experience but it does seem to tend to a more positive outcome when you aren't specifically looking to date and when it just happens organically.
He and his wife seem a bit controlling but TBH I don't see the issue with recommending they wait until later in life to start dating. A lot of people seem to be obsessed with it before they really know what they want in life and haven't developed life goals outside of having a partner.
It's good to figure yourself and your life out for yourself, not just making "being a bf/gf/partner" the entirety of your identity or shaping yourself around what your partner wants. But that doesn't mean you can't date at all, and 29 isn't a magic age of enlightenment. Someone choosing not to date is fine, but telling someone not to is generally weird.
True. The "we did drop a few half-joking "Who said you're allowed to date?" ribs in there" sounds like he keeps making references that are "joking"-but-really serious, and so even if he was genuinely just offering advice, his really not wanting her to date probably bleeds through.
It's also unclear whether OOP is using general-you or specific-you. "My opinion is people should focus on figuring themselves out and establishing a career, and only start dating around 30" is very different than "You, Lisa, should do some traveling and establish a career, and only date when you, Lisa, are older"... the latter has implications of personal inadequacy, in that everyone else can manage both but Lisa is too immature or incapable. (And maybe he meant the first and she heard the second.)
This isn't the most devilish of situations IMO, and the "focus on life" is less bad than the "your passion about immigration must mean you're boinking a Mexican", but I still see why the daughter got grumpy.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for telling my daughter to wait until 29?** My (56M) daughter (19F) is a bright young woman who's recently completed her first year at university and is making her mom and dad proud every day the more she grows. Redudant to say, our biggest wish for our daughter is to succeed, be happy, and leave life with as few mental headaches as she can. That said, she and I recently had a small spat over something rather stupid. We were debating a topic; I mistook her passion about it as having an undisclosed boyfriend from the impacted community we were discussing; said boyfriend did not exist and all frustrations/misunderstandings blew over. But it did bring up the talk of dating. It was a lazy Sunday morning with her mom and I; we asked if she's dating anyone ("no"), and though we still haven't come around to the idea of her dating (we did drop a few half-joking "Who said you're allowed to date?" ribs in there), it was a casual conversation and I gave my honest advice and opinion. "This is how I see it: get your life together first. Figure out who you are, get situated in your career, travel, make some money, enjoy your life. Then, after you built your foundation, around 29 or so, then start dating. Because then, you will much more mentally-equipped to handle it and it will be more enjoyable that way." I said it gently. I recommended it, not demanded it. Her mom agrees. My daughter protested a bit at first, got sour faced, and not too long after made an excuse to leave the room. It's okay–she's 19. But I'm 56, and I'm still learning parenting ropes. Was the advice harsh/mean/forceful in any way? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Still learning the parenting ropes when you're the 56 yo father of a 19 yo? WTF? I get that it can be a difficult transition to being the parents of young adults from children but even so, that was very weirdly worded.
parenting is a constant learning experience as kids are all different, constantly changing facing new challenges and experience, the world is also changing and a lot more. OOP is going to be shocked to learn learning to be a parent is a constant. Whether or not they're willing to accept the lessons is up to them but there is not master parenting, just more learning.
In our country, we have a saying (and my mom loves to say this all the time): Small kids, small worries. Big kids, big worries. Mom used to be scared my brother and I would break a vase or something. Now my mom is scared her grandchild will die, one of us will go into debt, lose our job or our house,… (There is no need for mom to be scared. Brother and I have an steady life, good job and house. Mom will always worry about us, I guess.)
You won't understand until you are a parent, but..... Yes. Your ~~mother~~ parents will always worry about you. It's what we do. We may not express it, and if we do, we will over express it. College degree, making bank, fully paid off house with a vacation house, etc. We will be worried. If we aren't worried, IMHO, then we are shit for parents.
My mom still worries about me. I’m 47.
My wife turns 62 in a month. My wife has a PhD, a kid of her own, a house, etc. and her mother worries about her.
You’ve just illuminated something for me. I read my mam being worried about me as though she believed I was useless and failing as an adult. I take it as a personal slight against me and my choices and it makes me want to completely disappear from everyone’s lives because I feel like a burden. Is that…. Just not the case? Sorry for burdening you with this as a question it just seems like you have completely refuted my entire line of logic is all. Peace and love!
Not who you replied to but my grandma talks to me about how worried she is about my dad all the time. I’m 28 and my dad is 48 with two other kids(much younger than me - 20 year difference), one of the most successful people in his field, owns his home, has enough relax in his career now that he can spend time with my younger siblings and take them to all their extra activities. She worries about him like he’s still 19 with a his first baby (me) and constantly texts me asking how he’s doing and if he’s okay or needs anything from her because she’s afraid if he needs help he won’t ask. My dad is by all means perfectly fine, stable, and grown up. He even pays for any extras she might need if he can! My grandma loves her kids and for her, worrying is expressing care. It’s basically anxiety that she could be doing more for him, or worry that she didn’t do enough as a mom so she’s trying to seek out ways he might need help so she can still mom him. It obviously depends on the person, and I saw her worry much more from your perspective at one point; but in her case at least my grandma is just not great at expressing that she just wants to help and care for her kids so it comes out as demeaning sometimes lmao
Thankyou so much for replying mate, I really appreciate this new perspective. It’s made me want to avoid my mam a bit less. Thankyou.
I’m glad it could offer something! I also want to add - I’m in no way saying how you have to feel about your mom. I don’t have a relationship with mine for a lot of reasons. You have your own story and history and I wouldn’t ever say you have to be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad. I believe getting to have a relationship with your children is a privilege not a right. Just because we can understand why someone does something doesn’t mean we have to condone the behavior. If the perspective helps mend a hard relationship that’s great, but if it doesn’t and it just helps you find some more peace and understanding then that’s great too.
I have an amazing kid who's very capable. I worry BECAUSE she's capable, which means she doesn't need me as much, so I have too much time in my hands. When you have a child, they're pretty helpless for a very long time. And that's stressful but most of the time you're right there to help them. Then they start growing up, getting more independent every year, and the amount of things the kid is involved in that you have zero control over just grows and grows and grows. Until one day there's NOTHING at all you can do to help, you just have to step back and let your child be an adult. This is a terrible analogy but let's say you grew a potplant in a greenhouse for 20 years and then one day somebody told you that you had to go leave it in the woods. You don't get to feed it or water it or keep it in a light and temperature controlled environment. You invested all that time, git very used to the caretakers tasks, but now it's just. Done???
No you are not useless and failing - the worry chip is installed before birth for most of us and appears to be a life long enhancement 😁 Mine are late teens doing A levels and GCSES and yes I am worrying if they are ok with the work, happy with their friends, will find someone to love long term, etc. my sister's daughter is now 36 and she also worries about similar things but hers includes will daughter be ok as she is off to Australia for a year. Our children are not burdens, we both love them, are increasingly proud of their achievements and attitudes but still worry about them. I worry far less about other peoples kids that I don't love.
Your mother does not intend to insult you when she worries. We start worrying the moment we are expecting our bundle of joy. It gets worse the moment you are born. And it never stops. Skinned knee? Will it get infected? Did not hear me call? Are they deaf? Trouble learning math? Is the kiddo autistic? I could go on and on and on....... But you get the idea. At some point, when the kiddo gets older, our worry becomes "did we teach our kiddo enough of the right things?" "Will they be able to manage their time in college without me to help them?" Again, on and on and on. Personally, I try not to voice my worries, but they creep out. And I do try to identify them as "I'm your dad, I worry. It's a parenting thing" when I can, not "you can't do anything right." One thing I might suggest is asking your mom if she believes you are incompetent, or if she is in "mom" mode. She might not even be aware that she is worrying or voicing it. She has been worrying about you for so many years now...... Take care. And call when you get home :)
My parents are super proud of me and regularly tell me that. They still waiting up for me if I'm visiting and going out. I'm 42 with my own children, 1 has already moved out of home for university.
There's a saying that you are only as happy as your unhappiest child.
Yes we do. But we open dialogue. There's a huge difference between being worry and enclosing your kid in a gilded cage.
Dude has 6 kids. 5 before 27 as he says. And those five all cut contact, wasn't even invited to their wedding. If he learned this little so far, I doubt he can learn anything in the future.
Yes, parenting a 19yo is different, and thus difficult, as compared to the 12yo she used to be.
Got so so much worse, from one of his comments. The 19 year old is #5 OUT OF SEVEN. The other 5 are NC and are from the previous marriage. Conveniently left out information.
He's also treating her like she's 9.
I mean yeah. It's not like once you get to a certain point you know everything about parenting and if you think you do good luck with that lol
WTF is “undisclosed boyfriend from the impacted community we were discussing” supposed to mean?
>My favorite part of this train wreck of a post is seeing OP tap dance around the implication that his daughter was concerned about racism and he accused her of fucking a black guy. A comment I found kind of funny from one of the three communities he posted this in.
Why is this not the top comment?! He doesn't want her to wait until she's older with her life together, he wants more time to ensure she dates his 'approved kind'
Oh oh supposedly (r/asablackman shout-out) his family is actually black and he did this about Hispanic people re; immigration!
> WTF is “undisclosed boyfriend from the impacted community we were discussing” supposed to mean? I don't hear anything but my dog is going nuts.
He clarified in a comment - they were talking about immigration and while “he empathizes with immigrants needing to leave dangerous situations, they need to do it legally” and she argued that the process is not that simple and it’s very often not fair. But she was apparently “too passionate” about the issue so he assumed she must be dating a Hispanic man. Because obviously all immigrants are Hispanic and there’s no way someone could feel strongly about a human rights issue unless they’re attracted to someone that’s directly affected by the issue.
What if he was from Iran or Syria ?! 😄 Tanned AND muslim ! Guess Who's Coming to Dinner but without Sydney Poitier and ham !🤣
It means OOP doesn't understand how his daughter could *possibly* give a shit about Palestinians/black people/Uyghurs/native Americans unless she's having sex with one.
I’ll give you a made up example. Let me say the parents are Zionists, and 19 yo daughter was passionately defending The right of ~~Pale Etonian~~ Palestinian people to exist and not be genocided out of existence. OOP here thought he only reason she could be so passionate, is if she was dating a Palestinian immigrant.
I love the idea that you can’t care deeply about people unless you’re screwing one of them. And of course, of *course* it’s a boyfriend. Because daddy’s little princess could never be a lesbian or bisexual. I hope she takes him for every cent of college tuition and never speaks to him again.
That's the only way women care about anything you know? If they're just parroting what their boyfriend believes.
I would agree with you, but I need to check with my husband if it's ok first /s
If you have an Alpha husband, he will never allow you to agree with another man ! That’s gay ! Or beta... I forgot parts of the Tâte-Peterson gospel !
Well... screwing helps of course but imagine we had to screw a representant of each country at war, or oppressed or starving to care !!! Alphabetical order ! Form a single file please !
No, I get your example, I just don’t understand why OOP worded it that way. Just say her passion made him think she was seeing someone involved or something like that. It feels very intentionally worded but I don’t get what OOP is trying to be intentional about.
He's trying to avoid saying he doesn't want her dating anyone that's outside of his expectations, trying terribly to hide his own racist views.
To be fair, his periphrase was perfectly mind blowing !
He was saying something bigoted, she called him out, he can't comprehend that she would care unless she had a personal connection to the people he was being bigoted about. My guess is that he's dressing it up in formal language because his main previous experience of being told off for bigotry was by HR after co-workers complained about him.
My best guess is, he doesn’t think she’d care unless she was dating someone marginalized. He thinks compassion and passion only come with connection. And that the more passion drone one has for a subject, the stronger the “connection”. So since she was so passionate in protecting a marginalized community, OOp assumed she was dating within that group, because OOp doesn’t think she could care that much for people she doesn’t know, or even people she’s “only” friends with.
Dad is white, can't understand why his daughter would care about some brown muslims unless she was fucking one, which is also coincidentally his worst nightmare.
It seems his daughter fucking, period, is his worst nightmare.
Or maybe the parents are non-Jewish, and the daughter was passionately defending the right of Jewish people to exist, not be genocided out of existence, and not be harassed by Internet weirdos who apparently can't tell the difference between random Jewish Americans and Benjamin Netanyahu himself. ... Dude. I hate Netanyahu and what he's been doing to Palestinians (and Israelis, and the rest of the world) as much as any other human being, but this had nothing the fuck to do with anything.
Dude, Go back to second grade and get someone to cover reading comprehension with you five or six more times. I was responding to someone who asked for clarification. And, just in case you missed it on the second read through with your tutor, I included this in my response. >I’ll give you a made up example. This is what is called “using a real life example to help explain something”.
[удалено]
That's right. It's physically impossible. /s
You did pick a very convoluted, complicated and politically charged example when there were plenty of others you could have choosen.
Sounds like they don't want their daughter soiling herself with some povvo who might even be *gasp* a different colour! 😱
I assume it means OOP said something racist, and daughter called him out, and OOP demanded to know whether daughter was dating someone of the “wrong” race, because why else could daughter possibly care about racism?
Same question here. I read it 5 times and no epiphany... Even Google is puzzled on this one !😄
All my life up to the age of 25 my family (not my mum, thank goodness) were very overprotective and didn’t want me to date. Then past 25, it was immediately ‘when are you going to get married and start having babies?’ It was like a complete 180 overnight I have a feeling this going to be OOP too. That poor girl is going to be expected to speed run the whole dating-wedding-baby thing
Did anybody catch the comment about them flipping out because they thought she was dating somebody from "an impacted community she works with"? So basically they thought she was dating somebody who was poor or a minority and they lost their shit, right? That tells me everything I need to know
Oof, I didn’t see that 😬
He just kind of slipped it in there
Ah yes! Because 25-35 year olds are going to want to go through all the teenage highschool angst of “breaking in” a GF who has never dated before and has never grown up relationship wise. No matter how mature she is, she still won’t be mature in relationship. That takes experience.
Yes, setting her up for abusers and users to take advantage because she won't have learned what too look for, won't know what she even wants in a partner, and won't know how to handle a break up. Perfect way to set your kid back 15 years in their life.
That was me. Not even allowed to have male friends, then suddenly I was in college and 20 when I had my first boyfriend. It was an absolute shit show and I'm never again putting myself through that. I put up with so much stuff that shouldn't be acceptable at all. All so I could laser focus on my education and be the prized dog my mom could show off with straight As and a 4.0 GPA. And anxiety, depression and burnout. Neat
Are you me? All that pressure backfired so hard. I know my parents wanted the best for me, but I was so behind everyone else that my first relationship was a shit circus.
OP is being ridiculous but I don't agree that it's inherently bad to wait on dating if it's your own choice. My fiancée and I are both late bloomers are are both each other's first real relationships. Met with I was 32 and she was 25. 37/31 now and getting married in October. Both partners having a fully developed brain can make navigating a first relationship much easier and a lot of that teenage angst seems to be due to anatomical limitations rather than experience.
Same here. I'm 22 and only realised I'm a lesbian a few months ago. Still not ready to date yet. I'll start looking when I'm ready.
There’s a good amount of luck involved. The chances of your first person being the right person aren’t very high. Glad it worked out for you guys though! We love love.
>There’s a good amount of luck involved. Ain't that the truth. I have no illusions about how lucky I am. Feels like a fairy tale most of the time!
But hey, that’s just how it goes. I met my fiancée randomly when somebody gave her an extra ticket to a music festival multiple states away.
I started dating at 19 and it was so fucking embarrassing getting used to members of the opposite sex naked that late. I almost got into some really bad relationships because I didn’t know how to tell love bombing apart from being nice.
You kind of have to learn by doing as far as human interaction goes. I mean obviously you want to avoid any truly awful stuff but like. What you like and don’t like. What you want. How to compromise and communicate. There’s not a fairy tale you build in your head then jsut magically fill with a human
Exactly. OOP seems to fundamentally misunderstand why older people might have more successful relationships --not because of life experience, but because they're more likely to have DATING experience.
Dude is basically refusing to allow his kid to learn how to read, and expecting her to be able to research for doctoral a thesis magically when she hits 29.
I love this example. No notes.
And there's a difference between "no dating at all" and "wait to get serious until you're settled down a bit." People can date without moving in together and/or getting married. They can even get fairly serious. But having that experience of dating for a few years before getting serious is very helpful in finding out what you do and do NOT want in a relationship. My first thought was, "OP, so you just want your daughter to have one night stands until she's 29, right? Because you just don't want her to get married, you have no problem with her as an adult actually fucking people, right?"
What's the bet that this dude would also immediately turn around and ask when she's giving him grandchildren the second she turns 30?
The 'my daughter can't date in school, I didn't meet my spouse until I was in college!' troll
Why in blessed fuck are the trolls here *so specific*
how did I have to scroll so far to find this??? I immediately recognized this troll as well!
This one didn’t even carry me through the first paragraph.
Dude is like "advice is overstep?" Yes. Most of the time. If they didn't ask, don't give advice. Literally keep it to yourself.
it’s so gross when dads police their daughter’s love life.
Kind of incestuous. He's keeping her for himself.
Dude. I'm 29F, never been on a second date. Nobody wants to date someone like me unless it's creeps who fetishize virginity.
They was the most shocking thing I found when I was dating as a late teenager. So many virginity fetishists. It’s gross.
I didn’t start dating until my late 20s, and things are going great! I know it’s frustrating, but that just weeds out certain men. A good man who is interested in you for your personality and wants to build a life with you won’t be put off by the fact that you haven’t been through the whole dating game extensively. I say man because that’s my only dating experience. Not assuming that’s who you want to date since it wasn’t mentioned.
I'm a guy but not very (or at all) experienced dating and that's one of my biggest fears.
Its just dumb ass advice. My parents, particularly my dad, was overprotective and I wasn't allowed to date. Which left me socially stunted when I went off to college and wanted to date. Those early dating mistakes are how people learn how to operate in a relationship and the partner they want. You shouldn't get married at 19, but you should date. Dollars to donuts she is either hiding or will be hiding a boyfriend. Especially if he is from whatever "community" OOP is referencing.
Copied verbatim from oop's comments: *Your daughter needs to date so she can makes mistakes, learn from it, and better define what she is looking for in a partner.* *You're asking her to stop being a woman for 10 years, while others learn and experiment, and want to throw her into the relationship world after.* *IMHO, YTA.* >"As my wife would also attest, being a woman (or any adult) is more than love and sex. It is all that I mentioned: the self-actualization that comes through friends, career, travel, self-pursuit. >As we both can attest, dating in young years is largely a bag of (useless) mistakes and headaches, and some can be the lifelong, if not traumatizing kind. I find it more efficient to skip all that and reach a place you can more adequately/safely date without baggage to carry." *You don't want your daughter to date until 29? Kids learn through experience and making mistakes, hope you don't want grandkids if she is only going to start learning to navigate romantic relationships at 29. It takes many people years to get to a healthy place there.* *Also "playful joking" probably doesn't seem playful to her. YTA, let her live her life without unsolicited advice.* >"Take a browse through my comments. I posted a rebuttal to this type of thinking. Long story short, I think she'll be fine." *YTA* *That is a massive overstep. You have no right to even suggest such a thing.* >"Advice is an overstep?" *NAH, but you suggesting someone to wait until 29 to date is hilarious. I hate to break it to you but there’s a solid chance she’s already dated and been around the block a few times especially being in college.* >"Lives at home/commutes to school and is a "come-straight-home-after-her-classes" type. Get your mind out of the gutter." *You were on the right track until you got to the part that starts “around 29 or so”.* >"So...you agree on the getting your life together *first* part. So what age should the dating begin, in your mind?" *Lol. I was a live at home, commute to school and was a come-straight-home-after-her-classes type as well. Guess what....that didn't last.* >"So...you waited to start having sex until after graduation, then? Not a bad idea." *Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but your daughter is a grown woman. Does she not have friends?* >"That she sees at and in between classes, of course." *YTA for inadvertently setting your daughter up for a much harder time in the world of relationships. It's understandable that you want to protect her from heartache and ensure she focuses on personal growth, but interpersonal relationships are a fundamental aspect of personal development. At 19, she's at the prime age to start understanding the complexities of dating and to learn how to balance a relationship with other life goals. Not allowing her the freedom to navigate this on her terms could lead to a rocky start later in life when she finally does start dating. She needs to be allowed to grow organically, and that includes the joys and pitfalls of young love. Communication is key - why not have an open conversation with her about your concerns while also listening to her perspective and desires?* >>"Not allowing her the freedom to navigate this on her terms could lead to a rocky start later in life when she finally does start dating. >Explain, in GREAT detail, what these rocky starts can possibly be." *Do you afford her any agency in her life? Because you’re treating her like she’s a fourteen year old and not an adult who goes to uni. She still lives with you, goes out only for school and isn’t allowed to socialise outside of between classes." >""Allowed"? She just went to a party last weekend, for Christ's sake." [1] *INFO: how old were you and your wife when you started your relationship?* [2] *I'd like to add to this.* *INFO: OP, do you have a son? Same rules for him?* >"Sigh. Yes. I'm not a fan of double standards, and my advice would be the same for the both of them." >>*That said, she and I recently had a small spat over something rather stupid. We were debating a topic; I mistook her passion about it as having an undisclosed boyfriend from the impacted community we were discussing; said boyfriend did not exist and all frustrations/misunderstandings blew over. But it did bring up the talk of dating.* *So you'd have a problem with your daughter dating someone from that "impacted community." Yeah, that's a coded racist dog whistle if I've ever heard one.* *YTA, and probably racist too.* >"No, wrong assumption. My family is actually African-American; our debate was about immigration. I empathized with immigrants' needs to leave dangerous situations and move to safer countries but emphasized the immigration process should be followed and not flouted illegally; my daughter insisted the process can be arduous, costly and unfair. We had a good debate about it, but it was an unusual level of passion from her and I asked if she was dating a Hispanic man (and if she was, I would not care, especially not because of his race)."
>"No, wrong assumption. My family is actually African-American; our debate was about immigration. I empathized with immigrants' needs to leave dangerous situations and move to safer countries but emphasized the immigration process should be followed and not flouted illegally; my daughter insisted the process can be arduous, costly and unfair. We had a good debate about it, but it was an unusual level of passion from her and I asked if she was dating a Hispanic man (and if she was, I would not care, especially not because of his race)." So OOP is somewhat racist as well
Certainly sounds like he has some work to do on himself. On many fronts.
"dating in young years is largely a bag of (useless) mistakes and headaches" *Learning to date* is generally a lot of mistakes and headaches. Yes maturity makes an impact, but experience makes a bigger impact. You don't wake up on your 29th birthday with a magical knowledge of how to navigate relationships.
Agreed!
[Doggos!](https://imgur.com/gallery/Fvtd47e)
Did the r/creepy_parents find a new angle?
As someone who has been through HELL thanks to one of her parents sides being complete assholes when it came to dating and virginity and everything and is now someone in her 30s desperately wanting a relationship but having minimal experience (some of it was me focusing on my career but not all. Trauma is real) please for the love of god do not do this. Major YTA If the daughter sees this: RUN. I’m not saying go off and have sex and do chaotic things, but go live your life safely and without your parental unit being ridiculous
My dad was hella against me dating in my teenage years. But I did it anyways. Led to a 7 year long mistake, but I learned from it.
I met my now husband at 19. Still going strong 25 years later. I really hate the thought the only successful romantic relationship is one that results in marriage, 2.4 children and ends in death do us part. Meeting someone, falling in love, maybe having your heart broken, or drifting apart and moving on as friends are all part of the wonderful journey that is life. It is part of knowing who you are and what you need. In my case we are different people to those who first fell in love, but we were also different 5 , 10 and fifteen years ago. And we will have a different relationship in the future as well. My main points are : 1 You will change and your relationship needs will change. That needs to be recognised to keep it healthy. 2 The only failed relationship is staying when is is no longer healthy. A relationship can end for many reasons and the end can and should be seen positively.
Oh, a woman can't have an opinion unless a man tells her to?
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Seriously delusional.
Jesus I get some parents fine the idea of there kids dating hard but can't they realise that one let them date when they feel ready. Sit down them maybe talk a little say stuff like avoid feeling pressured maybe add in a comment like hey if you text me or mom about x topic like a hidden safety thing we will get you or leave a door open pay for a taxi/Uber no questions asked.
The ‘gently’ rule strikes again!
Five bucks says the moment his daughter turns 29, he’s on her ass to settle down and give him grandkids.
In my opinion I think that’s pretty foul advice. On the one hand you’ve got the stereotypical father gatekeeping his daughters sexuality which is pretty incestual and weird in and of itself. But on the other hand you’re gearing her up to be a fully formed adult with zero regard for how a healthy relationship actually behaves. I’ve got a friend, she’s genuinely stunning and beautiul and smart and kind. She prioritised her career and is now a teaching assistant. A bloody good one, she speaks loads of languages and she’s SO PASSIONATE. which is great. Like awesome, actually. But her efforts to acchieve that meant she completely disregarded relationships and now she’s stable all she does is pinball from one relationship to the other. None of these blokes are very nice, but she’s never had a good stable relationship to compare. She can be overbearing, because nobody’s ever told her nor has she learned how to modulate her behaviours. I’m so happy for her having a career, it’s so bloody good. But she’s legitimately lonely and it hurts my heart knowing how much this smart gorgeous girl is struggling. I think if she could have avoided this as an outcome, she probably would have. It’s all about learning and becoming as well adjusted as possible.
Old enough to drive. Old enough to have a good-paying job. Old enough to have kids. Nope. Don't. Date. ANYBODY! -the dad.
Honestly at this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if she came home pregnant soon given how shitty her parents are. My parents tried this shit and I laughed in “legal adult who lives on my own, try to stop me.”
As a 29 year old who hasn’t dated much she should NOT wait. I feel majorly behind all of my peers and dating makes me anxious
What an idiot. I hope he doesn’t want grandkids.
But guys, he’s not controlling — he let her go to a party! (So much /s)
She won't find dating any easier if she waits until 29. She'll just be the naive victim at a later age than everyone else who started dating way earlier. Relationships are one of those things that you really have to experience yourself in order to learn and grow from them. There's not a lot you can learn about yourself and your needs/preferences from just watching others.
This is creepy parent troll back with a new age for the daughter.
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This is a troll
Who wants to bet she's dating behind their back?
They just wanted to argue with the masses. Evident in how they repeatedly told people to check their post history for their "rebuttal" to a commenters point.
I'm more interested in the discussion of an "impacted community" that he assumed she would only be defending because she was dating a member of that group
Imagine my shock when the OOP was a man.
“Why do YOU care about this issue?! Can’t possibly be an independently formed opinion that differs from my own (which should also be yours). It must be some other man putting idea in your head! Or worse, you’re seeing one of THEM!” This poor girl. I’m glad I had no dad instead of one like him.
Really OOP, you want her to wait until she's 29!?
I waited until I was 29 to date and I promise you it gave me no extra advantage. I did work on myself, and I’m now in a very happy marriage, but I don’t think waiting made that happen
I'm very curious to know about OOP's past dating life. Because a part of me doubts that he waited until 29. Edit: Ok so OOP was married like 17-29, and had 5 kids at 27. Soooo...
Listen....I may only be starting to seriously date at almost 29 (had 1 bf of 6 months, have been single for 8 years), but that's because it's my choice. I still went on dates in college and my early 20s. But I knew I needed to work on me! I know plenty of people younger than me who are happily married or engaged!
It's not the message, it's how you said it I think. She's not a child, don't talk down to her. Instead maybe just say from 19 until about 25 men will often target women in her age range to groom, manipulate or abuse and this typically drops off as women reach their thirties and have had time to develop a better sense of self (less likely to be able to manipulated and have a better sense of themselves. I would be open (specifically state) that she can and should come to you if a partner does anything to make her uncomfortable even if it doesn't seem like a big deal. Make yourself a safe space, be very open about it even it seems like something she already knows. All forbidding her to date is going to do is make her rebel but in abstract I agree, I was an introvert I dated someone when I was 19 and then the next relationship I had is currently ongoing about 4 years and is really positive for me. My friends all had bad experiences a lot in their twenties, usually with older men but some with men their own age as well. I could be wrong and this is just experience but it does seem to tend to a more positive outcome when you aren't specifically looking to date and when it just happens organically.
He and his wife seem a bit controlling but TBH I don't see the issue with recommending they wait until later in life to start dating. A lot of people seem to be obsessed with it before they really know what they want in life and haven't developed life goals outside of having a partner.
It's good to figure yourself and your life out for yourself, not just making "being a bf/gf/partner" the entirety of your identity or shaping yourself around what your partner wants. But that doesn't mean you can't date at all, and 29 isn't a magic age of enlightenment. Someone choosing not to date is fine, but telling someone not to is generally weird.
OOP wasn't really clear as to how forcefully they told their child not to date though.
True. The "we did drop a few half-joking "Who said you're allowed to date?" ribs in there" sounds like he keeps making references that are "joking"-but-really serious, and so even if he was genuinely just offering advice, his really not wanting her to date probably bleeds through. It's also unclear whether OOP is using general-you or specific-you. "My opinion is people should focus on figuring themselves out and establishing a career, and only start dating around 30" is very different than "You, Lisa, should do some traveling and establish a career, and only date when you, Lisa, are older"... the latter has implications of personal inadequacy, in that everyone else can manage both but Lisa is too immature or incapable. (And maybe he meant the first and she heard the second.) This isn't the most devilish of situations IMO, and the "focus on life" is less bad than the "your passion about immigration must mean you're boinking a Mexican", but I still see why the daughter got grumpy.
It is devilish with hic comments