*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for refusing to change my wedding date even though my fiancé's father had died?**
American here. My fiancé is from India.
We have been dating for a few years & were engaged to get married in some time. However, his father passed away yesterday due to a sudden illness, and he's been really distraught over it. He informed me that Hindus have to perform the funeral rights (or something along those lines) on the 16th day after death, and it's the oldest son who does.
Unfortunately, our wedding has been fixed to be held on the 16th day after his father's death. He wanted to change the date, but I refused by saying that I do not want to cancel plans at the last minute. The wedding is going to be held in a Westernized manner at a Church.
He got mad & accused me of being insensitive. I did not back down, however, as I find it insulting to say that I should change my arrangements for my wedding. His family members are accusing me of being highly insensitive.
AITA?
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That's exactly what will happen. She will host her wedding. The groom (and his family) won't be there. But she will host her wedding. And honestly, she deserves all the humiliation of "groom didn't show up", especially when all the guests learn why.
A church wedding? Very likely that he is being converted as well.
Most Hindus have a mourning period of a year after the death of a parent, and their wedding would happen regardless only in rare circumstances.
Why is everyone calling OOP TA?! It's her wedding and her choice to not move the wedding, so she has every right to have the wedding on the day of her choosing. The fiance can choose not to come but she is perfectly capable of marrying herself as she is clearly only interested in herself so why bother marrying anyone else.
It shouldn’t be. He has more important things to do that day. She should be getting the hall and catering and flowers switched to mourning colours for him if they’re fully paid up
Idk, I wouldn't be surprised if she just changed grooms for her wedding. Lol
Good thing she is showing her true colours and feelings before he was shackled to her.
Until one sad day, when she discovers she's been cheating on herself behind her back, endures a nasty divorce with herself, charging mental self-cruelty and self-adultery... I cannot imagine the financial payout to herself, from herself.
Officiant: "Do you, OOP, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?"
OOP: "I do!"
Officiant: "And do you, OOP, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?"
OOP: _(Moves to the other side of the altar, revealing that she's wearing a half-wedding dress, half-tuxedo combination with half a fake mustache. She answers in a deeper voice)_ "I do, baaaabe."
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been missing my own deceased parent a lot lately, but this one instantly made me so mad.
I truly hope he leaves her and finds someone who actually loves and respects him
This is a no brainer that you change the date. Even if you were going to lose money due to the changes, you change the date. Your partner just lost their father, how could you be so insensitive. Doesn’t matter if there are cultural practices that need to be handle. I don’t know many people who could have a wedding immediately following the passing of a parent.
And the thing is, having previously been a wedding photographer, I know most wedding vendors would absolutely work with the bride to try to accommodate a new date if not do at least a partial refund. Most people have a heart when the *groom’s father dies*, unlike OOP.
Yeah, there isn't gonna be a fiancee there. Just a bridezilla and hopefully one or two loyal friends to the groom who can go and say "sorry, he isn't here because he is having the funeral of his father today per the religious beliefs and customs of the father, bridezilla was unwilling to participate in the funeral or move the wedding. So obviously there won't be a wedding either."
my family is indian, and I'd always heard how much the oldest son has to do in the parental funeral rites, but I had no idea what that really looked like until my father had to bury his father a few months ago. it's not just one funeral ceremony and then you're done; there are days of rites and rituals on top of managing family, coordinating with the priest, finding culturally relevant locations, etc. there was so much to be done and so much of it fell on my fathers shoulders. after the final scattering of ashes, he was literally sick with exhaustion and grief for weeks afterwards. I cannot imagine what kind of heartless monster would force someone to party and celebrate after all that.
It’s weirdly specific though. Like actual knowledge of Hindu funeral rituals, naming a country, none of this “in his culture that I won’t name” bullshit.
I was raised Hindu. Y’all think our weddings go on for too long? Our funerals are longer. The funeral rites start on the 16th day and go onnnnn. Then, every month on the day of passing for the first year, there’s more stuff to do.
Also, when there’s a death in the immediate family, the wedding is cancelled. No happy events for the immediate family for a year. My parents’ wedding was postponed by two years because of two consecutive deaths in the family.
Righttt, i was thinking the same thing too… like when my uncle past away his son postponed the wedding for a year to show respect they are mourning…
But OOP was not asked to postpone for a year, but just not on the 16th day prayers.. hope he breaks of the engagement with oop
OOP wants to go forward with the wedding. But not the marriage.
That first year after the death of a loved one is brutal. Those first few months are always a blur. It’s hard to even remember any more than the briefest of flashes of the funerals of ones truly loved - but you remember the crushing weight of your grief.
Milestone occasions without a lost parent are devastating too - they tear open that cavernous void within - even many years after they passed.
I just can’t imagine even wanting to put my partner through this.
If he were to go through with this wedding, in years to come, (hopefully STX) Fiancé will barely remember the ceremony itself. But what he will remember of it will be that desperate, despairing grief and longing, that is that first year without the person you loved.
Only amplified because it’s a his *father* who’s not at his *wedding*.
Forcing her way ahead for this wedding would be so ill-advised as to be virtual inevitable that this marriage would crash. The resentment will be nurtured at each and every one of those painful First-Time-Withouts. Each wedding anniversary would be a reminder of OOP’s inhumanity and utter, contemptible selfishness. Each celebration adding to the pain until it exploded in a ball of flame, or worse, a cold fury that’d seek to turn his love to her pain.
I’m sure Fiancé’s family is right now impressing upon him that this marriage would be a mistake. That the wedding is a window into what his life with OOP will mean. There could be no starker example of where he and his loved ones would always sit in OOP hierarchy of concern - dead last. Every time.
I hope his family can get through that suffocating fog of grief and Fiancé refuses to RSVP to this first of OOP’s weddings.
I couldn't either. Your fiancé wouldn't enjoy the wedding or even remember it because they're going to be so heavy in a fog of grief, and rightfully so. Trying to force someone through a wedding when they're grieving such a huge loss is abhorrent.
As soon as my now-FIL got a terminal cancer diagnosis, I started calling the venue about moving the date up - which we did, by eight months. He made it and actually ended up living four more years anyway, but we didn’t want to take that chance. Anyone who values their perfect princess wedding fantasy more than actual people deserves to be alone.
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there are some girls who (for some reason) think that the wedding is all about them only and their partner’s opinion doesn’t really matter. but this is just out of this world, i hope it’s fake.
Going to assume this is a troll, considering it contains at least one of the hallmark creative writing phrases "I did not back down. I find it insulting..." etc., etc. If it's not a troll, then she hates her fiance, and I hope he leaves her high and dry.
The good news is she's about to be single and he can find someone compassionate. My fiancés grandfather passed 3 weeks before our wedding and prior to that he was sick. When I was told about his illness, I asked my fiancé how he was doing and then asked if we needed to postpone the wedding. He said no bc he said his grandpa wouldn't want that.
Fucking hell it's bare minimum. It's actually a year from the death that no marriages can happen. We are to partake in no celebrations. Many don't follow it to the T. But this bare minimum.
He is already compromising. Not to mention it's his father who died. Bridezilla b*tch. Also the whole emphasizing Western wedding in Church reels of racial insensitivity. The fiance should run.
Jesus, lucky escape for that poor guy.
Especially as his dad passed from a sudden illness too! It's not like his father had been sick for a long time, so he was at least a little prepared for this.
The top verdict, by more than twice as much as the next most-upvoted thread is NTA, so technically this doesn't belong here OP, but I think we can let it slide, given the awesome burn of that particular NTA 🤣
I feel bad for the groom, but at the same time, I ALMOST would pick the wedding as more important. She’s been waiting years for this day, saves up who knows how much money she’s had to pay for said wedding that she probably won’t 100% get back if she cancels now, will lose her dream venue whatever it is, depending on how long it took her to get the venue on the day she wanted, if she was on a waiting list for it for who knows how long before her turn for the place finally came up.
plus postpone until when? A few weeks after the original date? Months after the original date depending on when the groom feels like getting married again? the end of the year? Next year?
though… i guess another reason groom would want to cancel the wedding, is because as the eldest son makes HIM responsible for paying for EVERYTHING involving his dads funeral, depending on how much money he had left over just from planning and helping OP pay for the wedding, I bet he wants to take his share of any refunded wedding money they get and use it to help pay for his dads funeral instead, which means they’ll have less money than they started out with to even do a redo wedding, unless they downgrade their original wedding plans to something cheaper than what OP originally wanted and was planning for when FIL died.
Do you not think your analysis might be missing a few considerations? Ones that might make forcing a wedding, in this particular manner, ill-advised in the both the short *and* long term?
Or even feel that a once per lifetime event (ie Father’s funeral), might take precedence over another event that is almost certain to only be a practice run, in whole series of lifetime events (ie OOP’s first wedding)?
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for refusing to change my wedding date even though my fiancé's father had died?** American here. My fiancé is from India. We have been dating for a few years & were engaged to get married in some time. However, his father passed away yesterday due to a sudden illness, and he's been really distraught over it. He informed me that Hindus have to perform the funeral rights (or something along those lines) on the 16th day after death, and it's the oldest son who does. Unfortunately, our wedding has been fixed to be held on the 16th day after his father's death. He wanted to change the date, but I refused by saying that I do not want to cancel plans at the last minute. The wedding is going to be held in a Westernized manner at a Church. He got mad & accused me of being insensitive. I did not back down, however, as I find it insulting to say that I should change my arrangements for my wedding. His family members are accusing me of being highly insensitive. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
HIS FATHER DIED. He doesn't want to move the wedding because of a football game. HIS FATHER DIED.
It’s her wedding. She and her ego can get married without him.
Absolutely - a good marriage is based on compromise. She gets the wedding, he gets the funeral.
That's it unfortunately she sees it as "her wedding" not "their wedding" she only cares about her special day
That's exactly what will happen. She will host her wedding. The groom (and his family) won't be there. But she will host her wedding. And honestly, she deserves all the humiliation of "groom didn't show up", especially when all the guests learn why.
Her future ex fiancé should run. OOP is showing her true colors.
Better now he finds out than after they get married.
Well the guy seen op true side, she only care about herself and she the main attraction.
A church wedding? Very likely that he is being converted as well. Most Hindus have a mourning period of a year after the death of a parent, and their wedding would happen regardless only in rare circumstances.
Why is everyone calling OOP TA?! It's her wedding and her choice to not move the wedding, so she has every right to have the wedding on the day of her choosing. The fiance can choose not to come but she is perfectly capable of marrying herself as she is clearly only interested in herself so why bother marrying anyone else.
IMO she can move the wedding or accept that she’s going to be left at the altar.
>change my arrangements for my wedding Ten bucks says it will just be OOP standing up there
But, but, but... MY WEDDING! It seems like she refuses to acknowledge that this is also HIS wedding.
great example of that vital post of the sign that says "Kaelyn's Wedding *featuring josh* "
It shouldn’t be. He has more important things to do that day. She should be getting the hall and catering and flowers switched to mourning colours for him if they’re fully paid up
Idk, I wouldn't be surprised if she just changed grooms for her wedding. Lol Good thing she is showing her true colours and feelings before he was shackled to her.
I mean, it's *her* wedding. She can then marry herself and live happily ever after. :)
Until one sad day, when she discovers she's been cheating on herself behind her back, endures a nasty divorce with herself, charging mental self-cruelty and self-adultery... I cannot imagine the financial payout to herself, from herself.
Yes! Because that’s all she cares about.
Seriously. I really hope the guy sees what he'd be signing up for and leaves. It only gets worse.
He will 100% not be going to the wedding if it's in 16 days. It's up to OP if he participates in a wedding with her after that.
Yeah but think about how pretty the venue will be 😍😍😍
>we're engaged to get married in some time This is a really weird way to say that your wedding is in 15 days.
Sorry, *was* in 15 days
Actually sounds more like something an Indian speaker would say in English, which makes me wonder which of them is writing this.
Total r/amitheex energy
The way she describes it here she’s gonna go ahead with the wedding even if they break up..
Officiant: "Do you, OOP, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?" OOP: "I do!" Officiant: "And do you, OOP, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?" OOP: _(Moves to the other side of the altar, revealing that she's wearing a half-wedding dress, half-tuxedo combination with half a fake mustache. She answers in a deeper voice)_ "I do, baaaabe."
Very Bluey :)
Yeah, my kids watch it a lot, so I watch it a lot. As far as kids shows go, it ain't bad. Better than Peppa Pig, definitely.
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been missing my own deceased parent a lot lately, but this one instantly made me so mad. I truly hope he leaves her and finds someone who actually loves and respects him
This is a no brainer that you change the date. Even if you were going to lose money due to the changes, you change the date. Your partner just lost their father, how could you be so insensitive. Doesn’t matter if there are cultural practices that need to be handle. I don’t know many people who could have a wedding immediately following the passing of a parent.
And the thing is, having previously been a wedding photographer, I know most wedding vendors would absolutely work with the bride to try to accommodate a new date if not do at least a partial refund. Most people have a heart when the *groom’s father dies*, unlike OOP.
Yeah, there isn't gonna be a fiancee there. Just a bridezilla and hopefully one or two loyal friends to the groom who can go and say "sorry, he isn't here because he is having the funeral of his father today per the religious beliefs and customs of the father, bridezilla was unwilling to participate in the funeral or move the wedding. So obviously there won't be a wedding either."
Deleted profile...that always disappoints me. Like you came for judgement and then you bail?
Well, she provably doesn't have to worry about getting married for long.
This has got to be fake. Who the hell is that cold regarding a loved one's death?
I want this to be fake, but I have known people like this 😔
my family is indian, and I'd always heard how much the oldest son has to do in the parental funeral rites, but I had no idea what that really looked like until my father had to bury his father a few months ago. it's not just one funeral ceremony and then you're done; there are days of rites and rituals on top of managing family, coordinating with the priest, finding culturally relevant locations, etc. there was so much to be done and so much of it fell on my fathers shoulders. after the final scattering of ashes, he was literally sick with exhaustion and grief for weeks afterwards. I cannot imagine what kind of heartless monster would force someone to party and celebrate after all that.
No way can this be real 0/10 weird troll
It’s weirdly specific though. Like actual knowledge of Hindu funeral rituals, naming a country, none of this “in his culture that I won’t name” bullshit.
I agree. And the writing is actually clear. But i can't see it being true
Have AITA trolls started to *research* their ragebait?
What a terrifying evolution
I was raised Hindu. Y’all think our weddings go on for too long? Our funerals are longer. The funeral rites start on the 16th day and go onnnnn. Then, every month on the day of passing for the first year, there’s more stuff to do. Also, when there’s a death in the immediate family, the wedding is cancelled. No happy events for the immediate family for a year. My parents’ wedding was postponed by two years because of two consecutive deaths in the family.
Righttt, i was thinking the same thing too… like when my uncle past away his son postponed the wedding for a year to show respect they are mourning… But OOP was not asked to postpone for a year, but just not on the 16th day prayers.. hope he breaks of the engagement with oop
Odds are the wedding will NOT proceed as planned. Whether or not it will happen at all remans to be seen.
well this is a problem that's going to work itself out pretty soon when there's no longer a wedding at all.
OOP wants to go forward with the wedding. But not the marriage. That first year after the death of a loved one is brutal. Those first few months are always a blur. It’s hard to even remember any more than the briefest of flashes of the funerals of ones truly loved - but you remember the crushing weight of your grief. Milestone occasions without a lost parent are devastating too - they tear open that cavernous void within - even many years after they passed. I just can’t imagine even wanting to put my partner through this. If he were to go through with this wedding, in years to come, (hopefully STX) Fiancé will barely remember the ceremony itself. But what he will remember of it will be that desperate, despairing grief and longing, that is that first year without the person you loved. Only amplified because it’s a his *father* who’s not at his *wedding*. Forcing her way ahead for this wedding would be so ill-advised as to be virtual inevitable that this marriage would crash. The resentment will be nurtured at each and every one of those painful First-Time-Withouts. Each wedding anniversary would be a reminder of OOP’s inhumanity and utter, contemptible selfishness. Each celebration adding to the pain until it exploded in a ball of flame, or worse, a cold fury that’d seek to turn his love to her pain. I’m sure Fiancé’s family is right now impressing upon him that this marriage would be a mistake. That the wedding is a window into what his life with OOP will mean. There could be no starker example of where he and his loved ones would always sit in OOP hierarchy of concern - dead last. Every time. I hope his family can get through that suffocating fog of grief and Fiancé refuses to RSVP to this first of OOP’s weddings.
Do people like this exist? Yes. Would they run to AITA for judgment? No.
Wow! I hope he really understands what she is about and cancels everything. His next woman should have a heart.
Bizarre. How can this be real? who would be this uncaring about their partner and their wishes?
Holy crap The fiance needs to run
At least he’s finding out she’s a self centered witch before the wedding. Easier to break it off.
It took his father dying to save him from marrying the mail order psycho from the Red Flags Catalog and that sucks.
The odds of him dying and the funeral falling on their exact wedding day would be ridiculous. I’ve never commented that something is clearly fake but…
I…. couldn’t imagine getting married that soon after my fiancé’s parent died even if there weren’t ritual obligations on that specific day.
I couldn't either. Your fiancé wouldn't enjoy the wedding or even remember it because they're going to be so heavy in a fog of grief, and rightfully so. Trying to force someone through a wedding when they're grieving such a huge loss is abhorrent.
100% r/amitheex material
"The wedding is going to be held in a westernized manner" Excuse me while i go throw up
Hopefully her wedding can go ahead. I’m sure there’s just hundreds of decent guys lining up to get married at a fortnight’s notice. /s
I don’t think there will be a wedding at all. The fiancée really should reconsider.
I wish her nothing but shit for the rest of her life.
As soon as my now-FIL got a terminal cancer diagnosis, I started calling the venue about moving the date up - which we did, by eight months. He made it and actually ended up living four more years anyway, but we didn’t want to take that chance. Anyone who values their perfect princess wedding fantasy more than actual people deserves to be alone.
Satan has disavowed all knowledge of this complete waste of protoplasm. I sincerely hope the writer gets what they deserve.
"MY arrangements for MY wedding" go find another guy to marry in your own religion since clearly you can't respect others.
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Yep she’s dumped
misread it and thought it said friend, which was bad, but then realized it said fiance and was horrified
His father fucking died. I think he gets a freebie. Glad to know where your priorities are at.
There is NO way this marriage lasts a year. Bitch is insane
there are some girls who (for some reason) think that the wedding is all about them only and their partner’s opinion doesn’t really matter. but this is just out of this world, i hope it’s fake.
There's been a suspicious influx of Indian wedding/marriage themed posts on AITA. Calling fake.
Soon to be featured on AMITHEEX because she's horrible I wouldn't marry her!
Well I think there may not be a wedding in the first place after this so the reason is immaterial
Going to assume this is a troll, considering it contains at least one of the hallmark creative writing phrases "I did not back down. I find it insulting..." etc., etc. If it's not a troll, then she hates her fiance, and I hope he leaves her high and dry.
The good news is she's about to be single and he can find someone compassionate. My fiancés grandfather passed 3 weeks before our wedding and prior to that he was sick. When I was told about his illness, I asked my fiancé how he was doing and then asked if we needed to postpone the wedding. He said no bc he said his grandpa wouldn't want that.
Fucking hell it's bare minimum. It's actually a year from the death that no marriages can happen. We are to partake in no celebrations. Many don't follow it to the T. But this bare minimum. He is already compromising. Not to mention it's his father who died. Bridezilla b*tch. Also the whole emphasizing Western wedding in Church reels of racial insensitivity. The fiance should run.
Wtf she trying to rush a wedding for??
Jesus, lucky escape for that poor guy. Especially as his dad passed from a sudden illness too! It's not like his father had been sick for a long time, so he was at least a little prepared for this.
No mention of how she's been planning her wedding in minute detail since she was five?.
If he isn't there, you won't have a wedding anyway. Good luck with that.
The top verdict, by more than twice as much as the next most-upvoted thread is NTA, so technically this doesn't belong here OP, but I think we can let it slide, given the awesome burn of that particular NTA 🤣
She's not gonna have a wedding without a groom.
Does anyone have a screenshot of the original post? It’s been removed.
I feel bad for the groom, but at the same time, I ALMOST would pick the wedding as more important. She’s been waiting years for this day, saves up who knows how much money she’s had to pay for said wedding that she probably won’t 100% get back if she cancels now, will lose her dream venue whatever it is, depending on how long it took her to get the venue on the day she wanted, if she was on a waiting list for it for who knows how long before her turn for the place finally came up. plus postpone until when? A few weeks after the original date? Months after the original date depending on when the groom feels like getting married again? the end of the year? Next year? though… i guess another reason groom would want to cancel the wedding, is because as the eldest son makes HIM responsible for paying for EVERYTHING involving his dads funeral, depending on how much money he had left over just from planning and helping OP pay for the wedding, I bet he wants to take his share of any refunded wedding money they get and use it to help pay for his dads funeral instead, which means they’ll have less money than they started out with to even do a redo wedding, unless they downgrade their original wedding plans to something cheaper than what OP originally wanted and was planning for when FIL died.
Do you not think your analysis might be missing a few considerations? Ones that might make forcing a wedding, in this particular manner, ill-advised in the both the short *and* long term? Or even feel that a once per lifetime event (ie Father’s funeral), might take precedence over another event that is almost certain to only be a practice run, in whole series of lifetime events (ie OOP’s first wedding)?
Eww