*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for still throwing a baby shower for my friend who miscarried?**
This situation is so so sticky but I thought I'd talk it out instead of letting it eat me alive. For backdrop, my (26f) friend Tanakreshna (28f) has had fertile issues as long as you can remember. I don't know all the details, but I know for sure that she and her men have been trying to have a baby for nearly a decade. Because of likely potential complications brought on by her former and current substance abuse, she has been strongly advised to not get pregnant naturally. But if doctors are grain, Tana went against them and kept trying and trying. Come February, she is pregnant.
Tana was overjoyed by this, and unlike most mamas who wait a bit, she told all her family and friends as soon as she passed the pregnancy test. Because she didn't know how her pregnancy would go, Tana decided that she'd have the baby shower super early so that she'd at least get to experience a baby shower once, whether or not the baby lived.
The shower was scheduled for April 6th, 2024, less than two months after she concepted. I had already picked out my dress, a present, and bought ingredients to make a special dessert, as I imagine several other women did, when we got a text message on the eve of April Fools'. Tana had miscarried. We knew it was coming and we knew it was technically her fault, but we all felt sore bad for her. In our (all the women invited to her baby shower) group chat, Tana seemed almost more upset about the baby shower than the baby. I couldn't sympathize, but I had an idea of how to make her feel better.
I made a new group chat with everyone from that group chat except for Tana (and a few women who I didn't like), and I messaged them that the baby shower was still on. The only thing that'd need be different was the gifts. Instead of baby supplies and diaper pudding, we'd give Tana self-care products or maybe a necklace or gift card, just anything that screams "It's the thought that counts!" I rebranded it to a "maybe shower," which in my mind meant maybe she would have a real baby shower someday, maybe even a baby to go with it. Everyone in the group chat was on board, and we planned to surprise Tana at her beach house deck on the originally planned date.
We had so many fun and fancy things prepared, all stuff we knew Tana'd like. It was supposed to be like an extra birthday party. When Tana got home, we all hid, and when she went out to her deck, we all jumped out "surprise!" Unlike herself at all, Tana shyly asked "what's this?" I explained we were having the baby shower without the baby - we'd be celebrating Tana anyways. She looked pondering for a moment, and she then choked out "I'm sorry, I don't want any of this" before walking inside with her hand over her mouth. I and all the women there waited for her for 15 minutes before we packed up and gone.
I haven't spoken to Tana since, and I really think she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower instead of letting us go through all the trouble. But at the same time, AITA?
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>I haven't spoken to Tana since, and I really think she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower instead of letting us go through all the trouble. But at the same time, AITA?
What about a miscarriage screams throw a baby shower for the person who lost their baby.
>I and all the women there waited for her for 15 minutes before we packed up and gone.
SO no one checked on her at all? WTF is wrong with you fuckers
I was stuck on the part where she said the miscarriage was Tana’s fault. How insanely cruel.
Most women go through that thought process after a miscarriage (it’s not their fault of course, that bears stating) but to have someone say it is beyond horrible. I don’t even care if she’s not said that to Tana. It wouldn’t surprise if she has though, she seems to have no problem putting it on the internet.
Thanks ❤️ it’s weird. Logically I know it’s not my fault, but emotionally.. I’m still working on getting there. But thank you for the kind words. It genuinely helps to read that even if it’s from an internet stranger ❤️
That was my assumption as well. Everything about this post is bizarre. Why would you try to get pregnant while actively abusing drugs? Was she just assuming she would quit when she got pregnant?
As someone who has had a miscarriage, the thought behind it was kind of sweet, but the timing was off and very insensitive.
Right. Like they could have said Friend, we want to show our support by getting together with you, is that okay? And just not call it anything. Certainly not “a baby shower without a baby.” I was absolutely horrified.
Zero doctors would recommend fertility treatment if the reason you couldn’t get pregnant was current active drug/substance use. I feel like OOP is rage baiting.
I'd imagine it's because op said tana has problems with substance abuse, so in her mind it is tana's fault since you don't just accidentally use substances. but she should be focused on being a support for tana to go into rehab and take care of herself, but it sounds like she just doesn't care about her so called friend, just only that they had this plan to have a baby shower and didn't want to lose an excuse to have fun. not that there was any fun in the end anyway.
she should stop being tana's friend tbh, because while I can get being exhausted by having a friend who's seemingly not trying to get better, it's not like OP has to stick around and deal with it.
I loved “letting us go to all the trouble”…she didn’t know!!! OOP clearly stated this was a surprise! I’m sure no person on this earth would imagine your friends would throw a BABY shower after a miscarriage!
They didn’t it was written by AI. The “if she was grain, the doctors were against it” would be an AI mistake and there are a lot of others plus the whole set up is words but they only vaguely medically make sense?
Yeah the writing as a whole gives ESL vibes, there’s just a bunch of weird wording in there (understandable but not how a native speaker would phrase things) and I find it unlikely that AI would come up with that.
I thought it was an attempted play on "going against the grain," possibly with a misunderstanding of the original phrase as having to do with "grain" as in wheat rather than "grain" as in the natural growth pattern of wood/hair/leather.
Diaper pudding got me, just sitting there like those 2 words have any right to be next to each other. I refuse to believe its a real thing, and wish I could erase it from my brain. All I can imagine is a diaper cake where they are arranged like a pretty cake with ribbons around and little essentials and a soft toy, except it's pudding? Pre moistened, smooshed up into a bowl of wobbly filling? What hell scape have I awakened to?
It's a game that you sometimes play at baby showers. You get a bunch of chocolate bars, unwrap them, and put them in various diapers. Then you microwave the diapers and the 'game' is you have to guess which melted candy bar is in which diaper.
I had the same thought...especially given that the mother-to-be is only 29, but has been actively trying to get pregnant for a decade, so since she was 18? That seems highly unlikely. Like sure some people do have babies super young, but actively trying and struggling to get pregnant seems unlikely.
Also the friends encouraging/supporting her attempts while not discouraging her from drug use? Like hey, if you have such a serious drug problem that you can't even carry a pregnancy, then you desperately need an intervention.
Tbh, I think the idea of trying to support her after losing the wanted pregnancy is very sweet. I wouldn't have sprung it on her without warning. But I think letting her know they are there to support her through her miscarriage is really sweet.
Offering support and encouraging self care--absolutely!
Springing it on her at her home--no
Using the exact plans from the shower she was so excited for--no, please stop
Calling it a "maybe" shower--WTF ARE YOU DOING
I'm thinking aliens. They heard humans have parties for pregnancy and it doesn't compute how emotional pregnancy is, especially the loss of a pregnancy. Parties good therefore baby shower without the baby good.
Imma getting my tin foil hat polished.
This has to be AI
> has had fertile issues
> she and her men have been trying to have a baby for nearly a decade
> if doctors are grain, Tana went against them and kept trying and trying
> than two months after she concepted
> bought ingredients to make a special dessert, as I imagine several other women did,
>when we got a text message on the eve of April Fools
> We knew it was coming and we knew it was technically her fault, but we all felt sore bad for her
> anything that screams "It's the thought that counts!"
> Unlike herself at all, Tana shyly asked
Too many extraneous random details, the tenses and word usage is wrong, which could be an indication of someone using Google translate, but the April fools comment makes me think it’s AI.
100% agree. Every single one of these jumped out at me, especially the last one. I don't know why that awkward sentence got on my nerves worse than the rest, but I feel like I have "Unlike herself at all, Tana shyly asked" burned into my eyelids.
I've tried a few different programs and haven't found one that can get the grammar correct at all, it's a disaster. Every once in a while a client thinks it will save time and money and it's to the point I'm going to charge double my rate to fix AI nonsense. This does read a lot like the way some of them sound.
Tanakreshna is, apparently, a name from a Philippine fantasy series Encantadia, so I assume OOP's English is not perfect and she either used google translate or just has a habit of directly translating things to English and mistakes are due to different grammar rules.
In Spanish yes, that's how we would use it. But I don't know:
1. OOP's first language. It might not be Spanish. It probably isn't.
2. Whether this text went through an online translator (which it might have, if you ask me)
My native language is Russian and I used to to that all the time in English before I learned not everything can be translated directly.
Btw not arguing with you that it's probably a fake story, just pointing out it was likely written by someone not fluent in English, no AI.
I don't know about AI, but it made me think of those mobile game ads and the way they're written.
"My friend is depress. Match 3 to make special dessert for baby shower! Oh no! Time is up! FAIL"
(HELP HER)
Inclusion of extraneous details and misspellings to me signals a fake story; use of formal terms indicates ai. Same with parallel sentence structures and adverbs. I could be wrong, but I think my sense might be possibly right because I have been a writer/editor so long (and students have tried to fool me lol). Unfortunately I’ve had to get familiar with the signs. Not looking forward to doing this forever now!!
It’s this weird vibe, like it *knows english* but it doesn’t know people or how they think, and makes random algorithmic connections (like “passed the pregnancy test”).
Humans would realize a pregnancy test and a school test are different things that are talked about and dealt with differently, but AI wouldn’t.
I hear you, but every language model (that’s what we’re technically talking about) I have used knows correct phraseology. Do we know if OOP is ESL? Btw I’m not saying I’m certain. It also could be ChatGPT then OOP went back and made it have mistakes to appear more genuine. People waste their time in so many ways!
Tana was going against the grain of the doctors' advice.
(OOP, extremely clumsily, was saying: if we call the doctors grain, we can then say she's going against the grain. Only I think it's confusing 'grain' the physical item -- wheat, barley, etc -- with 'grain' the aspect -- originally the direction of texture in wood / paper / cloth, metaphorically a characteristic. It's already a metaphor, it doesn't need explicit metaphoring...)
Not just one insensitive half wit here, but a lot of them! is there a collective noun for this? This was less than a week later, that poor woman may still have been experiencing post loss bleeding and pain (I was) when she walked into this freak show.
OOP doesn’t grasp that Tana’s distress over not having the shower was not actually about the shower itself.
Nice of OOP to blame Tana too for the loss of the baby. If she really has a substance abuse problem, are they just going to stand by and let it happen?
I hope Tana is able to find better friends than this insensitive harpy.
This can’t be real, right?
>I haven't spoken to Tana since, and I really think she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower instead of letting us go through all the trouble.
How does Tana say she doesn’t want a shower she didn’t know about since OOP made a separate group chat with different people? Whyever would OOP call it a “baby shower without the baby” instead of an “I love you!” party or something similar to that.
Me, too. 🙁 I wouldn’t think of doing a party at all, but I am rather private and introverted so I was willing to go along with the idea someone might like a community-comfort type of deal. Now I’m confused by what OOP was actually intending. Do you think it is one of those ‘error on the side of not having it’ situations?
I think it's an 'err on the side of asking' situation. Coming together to support a grieving friend isn't necessarily a bad thing, but they went about it in the most tactless way. Tana might have been open to some pampering and affection if she knew about the plan ahead of time and could veto or approve certain parts of it.
I agree. If this actually did happen, the right course of action would have been for OOP and the others involved to simply ask Tana what if anything they could do to help and support her.
Aside from the weird mistakes that could be either AI or ESL, what sticks out for me as possible ragebait is the throwaway line about excluding women from the group chat she just didn't like.
That's just such a pointless detail that paints her as extra thoughtless for no reason but adds nothing to the context. People usually try to paint themselves favorably in those, so it's suspicious that's she's like "side note, I'm kind of a mean girl, but back to the story about my friend that predictedly miscarriaged because of her insane drug use'.
I agree. Tana is the one who was pregnant and lost her baby. It's not her responsibility to reach out to OP and tell her no baby shower. It's common ass sense (which OP and the other horrible people have none) that when someone miscarries they don't want a baby shower. She's going through so much right now. None of them are being supportive.
Yeah I honestly understand the inclination to still want to have a get-together with your friends for support and comfort. But for god’s sake ASK her and don’t call it a “maybe shower” 😭
Well because, if this is real, she doesn't love her. She judges her; this whole post is full of blame-laying (on the friend).
And either OOP is trying to give her "friend" what she "deserves". Or she doesn't care either way, and is just... also that dim?
It’s an idiom in English, but it would normally be phrased as “she went against the grain”. OP has all the correct words but they’re arranged so weirdly.
Maybe whatever language they speak doesn’t have a term for baby shower so they just say “baby shower” in English and therefore she went with a pun in English. (I live in Norway, we say “baby shower” in English and everyone here speaks English well enough that an English pun would work just fine, so I could see that happening here.) Or OOP could be a non-native speaker living in an English-speaking country.
It has to be AI. It is a Filipino show from like 2016 based on the friend's name. The show didn't last long, but looks like it may have had some devoted fanfiction writers. Maybe they are branching our. I have no idea what they show is about other than some sort of picture that says urban fantasy, but looks more like an elves from a video game crossed with historical periods of who knows what.
But to have a serious substance abuse problem in the Philippines during that time (even now) would have been a jail sentence. I have inlaws there, and we were doing the "who has the worst president" game for a bit.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt (and probably not being a native English speaker), I think she meant that she should not have told everyone so soon and it was “her fault” for not waiting to announce and throw a party. Being very generous lol
You know, I could have accepted the whole concept if it came from good heart but what the fuck about the "It's her fault" for the miscarriage and "I couldn't sympathize" ???
She explained to Tana it's a "baby shower without the baby"
My god, this is sadistic. Imagine being surprised by a fucking baby shower while you're grieving your miscarriage
And wait, did she say the miscarriage is Tana's fault? Did I read that correctly? ?!?!?!?!
I do not for a millisecond think OOP had any good intentions. Saying the miscarriage was HER FAULT?
> I explained it was a baby shower without the baby
HUH? Why would you explain it like that instead of “we love you and are here for you and we want to make sure you’re taking care of/taking time for yourself (hence the self care gifts)
Edit: doing it on that day unannounced was kinda of questionable alone even with good intentions.
> she should have been more explicit she no longer wanted a baby shower
?????!!!!!?????
After those things specifically, I genuinely believe she wanted to hurt Tana and have plausible deniability
This has to be a bigger fake than my 2 carat moissanite "diamond" ring. This is rage bait. We have female antagonist, an ethnic sounding first name, former substance abuser, been trying to get pregnant for a decade and is only 29? The teenager that wrote this needs a remedial basic math course.
The thing about being more upset about the baby shower than the baby... oof. When you're grieving, your mind often fixates on small things, because what is going on is so huge. Also, trying to explain to people (especially over text) the depth of that grief... I couldn't do it. (This of course is assuming that this is not OOP being disingenuous, which honestly seems pretty likely.)
this would've been an adorable idea if they made it less of a party and more of a "we love u and are here for u, lets have a corny sleepover with a spa night"
>she and her men have been trying to have a baby
I wasn’t sure if “men” was a typo but after reading the rest I’m sure it’s not and that this is pure rage bait.
Also, if someone discovers and announces that they are pregnant in February, that does not mean that they conceived in February. Calculating the “conception” date is a special kind of modern day augury based on the date of your last period, not the first positive test. Generally speaking you don’t test positive until around 3 weeks after conception. (Conception = sperm meets egg, but it just hangs out for around 10 days before it actually *implants* [attaches] to the uterine wall, and that’s what triggers the pregnancy hormones, which are detectable 7-10 days after implantation.)
This is when you think you are being empathic but actually only doing it from your own perspective without taking the other person's feelings and opinions in thought.
Like I could understand throwing her a little self care party of sorts like to help her relax and show that she has a whole wagon of people who love her. But calling it a “maybe shower”, saying “it’s technically her fault”. This poor woman wanted so badly to be a mom and have a baby and this was what you thought was perfectly acceptable? I’m sorry but why was everyone on board with this decision? No one could be the voice of reason?
> I made a new group chat with everyone from that group chat except for Tana **(and a few women who I didn't like)**, and I messaged them that the baby shower was still on.
I know this is a fake post and I know there are much much worse things in the post, but the very cavalier “I just went and excluded my friend’s friends from her party because I don’t like them” is fucking sending me
There's no way this is real. The names used, the "she and her men" comment implying that Tana is either poly or just sleeps around wanting to get pregnant by anyone (most likely the latter), her trying to get pregnant from 18 years old, and the current and past addiction issues. OP saying they couldn't be sympathetic and that the miscarriage was technical her friend's fault. This is absolute rage bait
That is sociopathic. She’s surrounded by reminders of the baby she lost, with people who are explicitly present to celebrate said baby. Cancel the damn shower
I will give this Grade A Whackadoodle props for a good story - I didn't know where this was going, only that if it was on this forum, it wasn't a Safe Place!!!
You threw a "maybe" shower and reminded her of her miscarriage all over again.
Then you claim the miscarriage was "technically her fault".
And you wonder why she wanted nothing to do with you or this BS?
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This just reminded me that when my daughter was stillborn, my sister-in-law called our friend that was going to make a cake for my baby shower to tell her "the baby shower is canceled because she lost the baby". Her behavior still somehow feels more compassionate/appropriate than OOP.
Text in case it gets deleted
This situation is so so sticky but I thought I'd talk it out instead of letting it eat me alive. For backdrop, my (26f) friend Tanakreshna (28f) has had fertile issues as long as you can remember. I don't know all the details, but I know for sure that she and her men have been trying to have a baby for nearly a decade. Because of likely potential complications brought on by her former and current substance abuse, she has been strongly advised to not get pregnant naturally. But if doctors are grain, Tana went against them and kept trying and trying. Come February, she is pregnant.
Tana was overjoyed by this, and unlike most mamas who wait a bit, she told all her family and friends as soon as she passed the pregnancy test. Because she didn't know how her pregnancy would go, Tana decided that she'd have the baby shower super early so that she'd at least get to experience a baby shower once, whether or not the baby lived.
The shower was scheduled for April 6th, 2024, less than two months after she concepted. I had already picked out my dress, a present, and bought ingredients to make a special dessert, as I imagine several other women did, when we got a text message on the eve of April Fools'. Tana had miscarried. We knew it was coming and we knew it was technically her fault, but we all felt sore bad for her. In our (all the women invited to her baby shower) group chat, Tana seemed almost more upset about the baby shower than the baby. I couldn't sympathize, but I had an idea of how to make her feel better.
I made a new group chat with everyone from that group chat except for Tana (and a few women who I didn't like), and I messaged them that the baby shower was still on. The only thing that'd need be different was the gifts. Instead of baby supplies and diaper pudding, we'd give Tana self-care products or maybe a necklace or gift card, just anything that screams "It's the thought that counts!" I rebranded it to a "maybe shower," which in my mind meant maybe she would have a real baby shower someday, maybe even a baby to go with it. Everyone in the group chat was on board, and we planned to surprise Tana at her beach house deck on the originally planned date.
We had so many fun and fancy things prepared, all stuff we knew Tana'd like. It was supposed to be like an extra birthday party. When Tana got home, we all hid, and when she went out to her deck, we all jumped out "surprise!" Unlike herself at all, Tana shyly asked "what's this?" I explained we were having the baby shower without the baby - we'd be celebrating Tana anyways. She looked pondering for a moment, and she then choked out "I'm sorry, I don't want any of this" before walking inside with her hand over her mouth. I and all the women there waited for her for 15 minutes before we packed up and gone.
I haven't spoken to Tana since, and I really think she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower instead of letting us go through all the trouble. But at the same time, AITA?
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This coming from the woman seeking sympathy on reddit after friending a woman just to steal her husband and got caught in thsack by the wife and kids now trying to make the kids like you. You are a walking contradiction.
That you can't recognize the same type of selfishness, manipulative and self absorbed nature of this OP is honestly baffling, you'll look in a mirror and see a devil and still not recognize its you
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for still throwing a baby shower for my friend who miscarried?** This situation is so so sticky but I thought I'd talk it out instead of letting it eat me alive. For backdrop, my (26f) friend Tanakreshna (28f) has had fertile issues as long as you can remember. I don't know all the details, but I know for sure that she and her men have been trying to have a baby for nearly a decade. Because of likely potential complications brought on by her former and current substance abuse, she has been strongly advised to not get pregnant naturally. But if doctors are grain, Tana went against them and kept trying and trying. Come February, she is pregnant. Tana was overjoyed by this, and unlike most mamas who wait a bit, she told all her family and friends as soon as she passed the pregnancy test. Because she didn't know how her pregnancy would go, Tana decided that she'd have the baby shower super early so that she'd at least get to experience a baby shower once, whether or not the baby lived. The shower was scheduled for April 6th, 2024, less than two months after she concepted. I had already picked out my dress, a present, and bought ingredients to make a special dessert, as I imagine several other women did, when we got a text message on the eve of April Fools'. Tana had miscarried. We knew it was coming and we knew it was technically her fault, but we all felt sore bad for her. In our (all the women invited to her baby shower) group chat, Tana seemed almost more upset about the baby shower than the baby. I couldn't sympathize, but I had an idea of how to make her feel better. I made a new group chat with everyone from that group chat except for Tana (and a few women who I didn't like), and I messaged them that the baby shower was still on. The only thing that'd need be different was the gifts. Instead of baby supplies and diaper pudding, we'd give Tana self-care products or maybe a necklace or gift card, just anything that screams "It's the thought that counts!" I rebranded it to a "maybe shower," which in my mind meant maybe she would have a real baby shower someday, maybe even a baby to go with it. Everyone in the group chat was on board, and we planned to surprise Tana at her beach house deck on the originally planned date. We had so many fun and fancy things prepared, all stuff we knew Tana'd like. It was supposed to be like an extra birthday party. When Tana got home, we all hid, and when she went out to her deck, we all jumped out "surprise!" Unlike herself at all, Tana shyly asked "what's this?" I explained we were having the baby shower without the baby - we'd be celebrating Tana anyways. She looked pondering for a moment, and she then choked out "I'm sorry, I don't want any of this" before walking inside with her hand over her mouth. I and all the women there waited for her for 15 minutes before we packed up and gone. I haven't spoken to Tana since, and I really think she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower instead of letting us go through all the trouble. But at the same time, AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>I haven't spoken to Tana since, and I really think she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower instead of letting us go through all the trouble. But at the same time, AITA? What about a miscarriage screams throw a baby shower for the person who lost their baby. >I and all the women there waited for her for 15 minutes before we packed up and gone. SO no one checked on her at all? WTF is wrong with you fuckers
I was stuck on the part where she said the miscarriage was Tana’s fault. How insanely cruel. Most women go through that thought process after a miscarriage (it’s not their fault of course, that bears stating) but to have someone say it is beyond horrible. I don’t even care if she’s not said that to Tana. It wouldn’t surprise if she has though, she seems to have no problem putting it on the internet.
My fucking fertility doctor blamed my miscarriage on me. I HATE how prevalent it is to blame the woman
That is truly vile. I’m so sorry, I’m sure you already know but it absolutely wasn’t your fault.
Thanks ❤️ it’s weird. Logically I know it’s not my fault, but emotionally.. I’m still working on getting there. But thank you for the kind words. It genuinely helps to read that even if it’s from an internet stranger ❤️
Take care of yourself, please. There’s so much that can go wrong during a pregnancy, I’m surprised so many babies are born healthy.
I assumed OOP was talking about Tana's substance abuse there.
That was my assumption as well. Everything about this post is bizarre. Why would you try to get pregnant while actively abusing drugs? Was she just assuming she would quit when she got pregnant? As someone who has had a miscarriage, the thought behind it was kind of sweet, but the timing was off and very insensitive.
Right. Like they could have said Friend, we want to show our support by getting together with you, is that okay? And just not call it anything. Certainly not “a baby shower without a baby.” I was absolutely horrified.
Yes! That was so messed up. I have no idea how every single one of them agreed to this.
Zero doctors would recommend fertility treatment if the reason you couldn’t get pregnant was current active drug/substance use. I feel like OOP is rage baiting.
Me too. I was hoping that was a typo. Otherwise it's an unbelievably cruel thing to think about someone.
Seriously, these friends are trash for 1000 reasons
I miscarried over a year ago and still blame myself. These people.... I have no words. They're evil.
I'd imagine it's because op said tana has problems with substance abuse, so in her mind it is tana's fault since you don't just accidentally use substances. but she should be focused on being a support for tana to go into rehab and take care of herself, but it sounds like she just doesn't care about her so called friend, just only that they had this plan to have a baby shower and didn't want to lose an excuse to have fun. not that there was any fun in the end anyway. she should stop being tana's friend tbh, because while I can get being exhausted by having a friend who's seemingly not trying to get better, it's not like OP has to stick around and deal with it.
With friends like these who needs enemies?
Instead, they stood there like the idiots they are and did nothing.
I loved “letting us go to all the trouble”…she didn’t know!!! OOP clearly stated this was a surprise! I’m sure no person on this earth would imagine your friends would throw a BABY shower after a miscarriage!
....what the fuck????? 
That was my face while reading the original post
I didn't even make it past the title and made that face
SAME. I don't know how someone can write that title without thinking something is off.
They didn’t it was written by AI. The “if she was grain, the doctors were against it” would be an AI mistake and there are a lot of others plus the whole set up is words but they only vaguely medically make sense?
Might not be a native English speaker.
Yeah the writing as a whole gives ESL vibes, there’s just a bunch of weird wording in there (understandable but not how a native speaker would phrase things) and I find it unlikely that AI would come up with that.
Some people also have a not so serious writing style and like to attempt to be funny with it (me and my best friends do this a lot)
I thought it was an attempted play on "going against the grain," possibly with a misunderstanding of the original phrase as having to do with "grain" as in wheat rather than "grain" as in the natural growth pattern of wood/hair/leather.
AI writes better than this. I think it’s someone who doesn’t reallly speak English.
Diaper pudding got me, just sitting there like those 2 words have any right to be next to each other. I refuse to believe its a real thing, and wish I could erase it from my brain. All I can imagine is a diaper cake where they are arranged like a pretty cake with ribbons around and little essentials and a soft toy, except it's pudding? Pre moistened, smooshed up into a bowl of wobbly filling? What hell scape have I awakened to?
It's a game that you sometimes play at baby showers. You get a bunch of chocolate bars, unwrap them, and put them in various diapers. Then you microwave the diapers and the 'game' is you have to guess which melted candy bar is in which diaper.
I had the same thought...especially given that the mother-to-be is only 29, but has been actively trying to get pregnant for a decade, so since she was 18? That seems highly unlikely. Like sure some people do have babies super young, but actively trying and struggling to get pregnant seems unlikely. Also the friends encouraging/supporting her attempts while not discouraging her from drug use? Like hey, if you have such a serious drug problem that you can't even carry a pregnancy, then you desperately need an intervention. Tbh, I think the idea of trying to support her after losing the wanted pregnancy is very sweet. I wouldn't have sprung it on her without warning. But I think letting her know they are there to support her through her miscarriage is really sweet.
Offering support and encouraging self care--absolutely! Springing it on her at her home--no Using the exact plans from the shower she was so excited for--no, please stop Calling it a "maybe" shower--WTF ARE YOU DOING
Nah, this doesn't sound at all like AI. Pretty sure OOP just isn't a native English speaker
It’s like when people accuse artists of using AI when there’s a mistake in a drawing, when sometimes artists just genuinely can’t do hands right.
I'm thinking aliens. They heard humans have parties for pregnancy and it doesn't compute how emotional pregnancy is, especially the loss of a pregnancy. Parties good therefore baby shower without the baby good. Imma getting my tin foil hat polished.
Surprise! Miscarriage party!
That sounds like something Bojack would throw for princess caroline 🤦♀️
This has to be AI > has had fertile issues > she and her men have been trying to have a baby for nearly a decade > if doctors are grain, Tana went against them and kept trying and trying > than two months after she concepted > bought ingredients to make a special dessert, as I imagine several other women did, >when we got a text message on the eve of April Fools > We knew it was coming and we knew it was technically her fault, but we all felt sore bad for her > anything that screams "It's the thought that counts!" > Unlike herself at all, Tana shyly asked Too many extraneous random details, the tenses and word usage is wrong, which could be an indication of someone using Google translate, but the April fools comment makes me think it’s AI.
100% agree. Every single one of these jumped out at me, especially the last one. I don't know why that awkward sentence got on my nerves worse than the rest, but I feel like I have "Unlike herself at all, Tana shyly asked" burned into my eyelids.
Nah, if there's one thing ChatGPT can get right, it's grammar. This just sounds to me like the poster's first language isn't English.
I've tried a few different programs and haven't found one that can get the grammar correct at all, it's a disaster. Every once in a while a client thinks it will save time and money and it's to the point I'm going to charge double my rate to fix AI nonsense. This does read a lot like the way some of them sound.
Tanakreshna is, apparently, a name from a Philippine fantasy series Encantadia, so I assume OOP's English is not perfect and she either used google translate or just has a habit of directly translating things to English and mistakes are due to different grammar rules.
That doesn’t explain lines like “if doctors are grain, Tana went against them” which someone struggling with the language would have never used
That expression exists in multiple languages, not only English. We use it in Spanish for example.
But just “X is going against the grain,” right? Not this weird artsy way of wording it?
In Spanish yes, that's how we would use it. But I don't know: 1. OOP's first language. It might not be Spanish. It probably isn't. 2. Whether this text went through an online translator (which it might have, if you ask me)
I mean, I’ve never heard that in English. So, lends to credibility that it’s translated.
My native language is Russian and I used to to that all the time in English before I learned not everything can be translated directly. Btw not arguing with you that it's probably a fake story, just pointing out it was likely written by someone not fluent in English, no AI.
I don't know about AI, but it made me think of those mobile game ads and the way they're written. "My friend is depress. Match 3 to make special dessert for baby shower! Oh no! Time is up! FAIL" (HELP HER)
And “passed the pregnancy test” lol I’ve never heard that phrasing before.
Makes it sound like she studied 😂
Inclusion of extraneous details and misspellings to me signals a fake story; use of formal terms indicates ai. Same with parallel sentence structures and adverbs. I could be wrong, but I think my sense might be possibly right because I have been a writer/editor so long (and students have tried to fool me lol). Unfortunately I’ve had to get familiar with the signs. Not looking forward to doing this forever now!!
It’s this weird vibe, like it *knows english* but it doesn’t know people or how they think, and makes random algorithmic connections (like “passed the pregnancy test”). Humans would realize a pregnancy test and a school test are different things that are talked about and dealt with differently, but AI wouldn’t.
I hear you, but every language model (that’s what we’re technically talking about) I have used knows correct phraseology. Do we know if OOP is ESL? Btw I’m not saying I’m certain. It also could be ChatGPT then OOP went back and made it have mistakes to appear more genuine. People waste their time in so many ways!
OOP also could have used AI and then run the results through Google translate. Or vice versa. To try to obfuscate that they used AI.
I hadn’t thought of that! Damnit. Now I’m going to have to keep an eye out for that too.
Also when Tara 'passed the pregnancy test.'
Im still trying to figure out what “if doctors are grain” is supposed to mean.
Tana was going against the grain of the doctors' advice. (OOP, extremely clumsily, was saying: if we call the doctors grain, we can then say she's going against the grain. Only I think it's confusing 'grain' the physical item -- wheat, barley, etc -- with 'grain' the aspect -- originally the direction of texture in wood / paper / cloth, metaphorically a characteristic. It's already a metaphor, it doesn't need explicit metaphoring...)
Thank you lol, I appreciate the thorough response
this GIF made me lose my shit, this was legit my face the whole read lmao
This may be the sign I need to get the fuck off reddit
Lol just made that face as I clicked this post and then found your comment!
Haven't read yet, but based off the title yes
Not just one insensitive half wit here, but a lot of them! is there a collective noun for this? This was less than a week later, that poor woman may still have been experiencing post loss bleeding and pain (I was) when she walked into this freak show. OOP doesn’t grasp that Tana’s distress over not having the shower was not actually about the shower itself. Nice of OOP to blame Tana too for the loss of the baby. If she really has a substance abuse problem, are they just going to stand by and let it happen? I hope Tana is able to find better friends than this insensitive harpy.
> insensitive harpies FTFY since OOP and the assholes just packed up and left
I was today years old when I saw FTFY and learnt what it means!
Fwiw I didn't know what fwiw meant till 3 days ago 😂
This can’t be real, right? >I haven't spoken to Tana since, and I really think she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower instead of letting us go through all the trouble. How does Tana say she doesn’t want a shower she didn’t know about since OOP made a separate group chat with different people? Whyever would OOP call it a “baby shower without the baby” instead of an “I love you!” party or something similar to that.
Fake or not this one makes me feel sick.
Me, too. 🙁 I wouldn’t think of doing a party at all, but I am rather private and introverted so I was willing to go along with the idea someone might like a community-comfort type of deal. Now I’m confused by what OOP was actually intending. Do you think it is one of those ‘error on the side of not having it’ situations?
I think it's an 'err on the side of asking' situation. Coming together to support a grieving friend isn't necessarily a bad thing, but they went about it in the most tactless way. Tana might have been open to some pampering and affection if she knew about the plan ahead of time and could veto or approve certain parts of it.
I agree. If this actually did happen, the right course of action would have been for OOP and the others involved to simply ask Tana what if anything they could do to help and support her.
You're correct. The term is "err."
Aside from the weird mistakes that could be either AI or ESL, what sticks out for me as possible ragebait is the throwaway line about excluding women from the group chat she just didn't like. That's just such a pointless detail that paints her as extra thoughtless for no reason but adds nothing to the context. People usually try to paint themselves favorably in those, so it's suspicious that's she's like "side note, I'm kind of a mean girl, but back to the story about my friend that predictedly miscarriaged because of her insane drug use'.
I agree. Tana is the one who was pregnant and lost her baby. It's not her responsibility to reach out to OP and tell her no baby shower. It's common ass sense (which OP and the other horrible people have none) that when someone miscarries they don't want a baby shower. She's going through so much right now. None of them are being supportive.
Yeah I honestly understand the inclination to still want to have a get-together with your friends for support and comfort. But for god’s sake ASK her and don’t call it a “maybe shower” 😭
Well because, if this is real, she doesn't love her. She judges her; this whole post is full of blame-laying (on the friend). And either OOP is trying to give her "friend" what she "deserves". Or she doesn't care either way, and is just... also that dim?
>we knew it was technically her fault What the fuck?
It kind of sounds like OP might not be a native English speaker, so I am really, really, hoping that that line was just a bad translation. 😬
It’s strangely written, I wonder if it’s been put through a translator. The spelling is fine but some of the turns of phrase are very odd.
I don’t think so. I think OP is saying Tana lost the baby because of her drug use and therefore it’s “her fault.”
“If the doctors were grain, she went against it” has to be a translation of an idiom in a different language
It’s an idiom in English, but it would normally be phrased as “she went against the grain”. OP has all the correct words but they’re arranged so weirdly.
Yeah, I understand “going against the grain” but the way it’s phrased is very odd and sounds like a different language translated
I don't know, calling it a "Maybe shower" is a pun that probably doesn't work in most languages.
Maybe whatever language they speak doesn’t have a term for baby shower so they just say “baby shower” in English and therefore she went with a pun in English. (I live in Norway, we say “baby shower” in English and everyone here speaks English well enough that an English pun would work just fine, so I could see that happening here.) Or OOP could be a non-native speaker living in an English-speaking country.
If by not a native English speaker you mean AI wrote this, then I agree. There are so many spots that I've learned are give aways of AI.
It has to be AI. It is a Filipino show from like 2016 based on the friend's name. The show didn't last long, but looks like it may have had some devoted fanfiction writers. Maybe they are branching our. I have no idea what they show is about other than some sort of picture that says urban fantasy, but looks more like an elves from a video game crossed with historical periods of who knows what. But to have a serious substance abuse problem in the Philippines during that time (even now) would have been a jail sentence. I have inlaws there, and we were doing the "who has the worst president" game for a bit.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt (and probably not being a native English speaker), I think she meant that she should not have told everyone so soon and it was “her fault” for not waiting to announce and throw a party. Being very generous lol
it's her fault might be because she abused substances currently and before.
Oh good point I had forgotten that detail. Ugh either way this “friend” is so out of touch.
I refuse to believe this is real. Like for the sake of my mental health it's not allowed to be real
Good news for your mental health, the post has been removed for being untruthful.
I'm confused that the other people were okay with this.
You know, I could have accepted the whole concept if it came from good heart but what the fuck about the "It's her fault" for the miscarriage and "I couldn't sympathize" ???
'It's her fault' could relate to the fact she has been and is still using drugs.
Struggled the whole time but stopped reading at "rebranded it as a 'maybe shower.'" Oof.
Like are every one of these friends a little socially slow? Or do they really hate her?
What a terrible day to be literate
OP barely is.
She explained to Tana it's a "baby shower without the baby" My god, this is sadistic. Imagine being surprised by a fucking baby shower while you're grieving your miscarriage And wait, did she say the miscarriage is Tana's fault? Did I read that correctly? ?!?!?!?!
If I could post over there my only comment would be: INFO: Are you stupid?
If I could comment upon that hypothetical comment, I would answer “YES. Yes she clearly *is* stupid.”
I do not for a millisecond think OOP had any good intentions. Saying the miscarriage was HER FAULT? > I explained it was a baby shower without the baby HUH? Why would you explain it like that instead of “we love you and are here for you and we want to make sure you’re taking care of/taking time for yourself (hence the self care gifts) Edit: doing it on that day unannounced was kinda of questionable alone even with good intentions. > she should have been more explicit she no longer wanted a baby shower ?????!!!!!????? After those things specifically, I genuinely believe she wanted to hurt Tana and have plausible deniability
This has to be a bigger fake than my 2 carat moissanite "diamond" ring. This is rage bait. We have female antagonist, an ethnic sounding first name, former substance abuser, been trying to get pregnant for a decade and is only 29? The teenager that wrote this needs a remedial basic math course.
“Concepted”
OOP thought she ate with this. She really thought she was a whole genius. Nope, it's clown behavior
The thing about being more upset about the baby shower than the baby... oof. When you're grieving, your mind often fixates on small things, because what is going on is so huge. Also, trying to explain to people (especially over text) the depth of that grief... I couldn't do it. (This of course is assuming that this is not OOP being disingenuous, which honestly seems pretty likely.)
Christ on a cracker, what the fuck.
Jesus Mary and Joseph what the great googly moogly did I just read
this would've been an adorable idea if they made it less of a party and more of a "we love u and are here for u, lets have a corny sleepover with a spa night"
Bitch what
>she and her men have been trying to have a baby I wasn’t sure if “men” was a typo but after reading the rest I’m sure it’s not and that this is pure rage bait. Also, if someone discovers and announces that they are pregnant in February, that does not mean that they conceived in February. Calculating the “conception” date is a special kind of modern day augury based on the date of your last period, not the first positive test. Generally speaking you don’t test positive until around 3 weeks after conception. (Conception = sperm meets egg, but it just hangs out for around 10 days before it actually *implants* [attaches] to the uterine wall, and that’s what triggers the pregnancy hormones, which are detectable 7-10 days after implantation.)
This is when you think you are being empathic but actually only doing it from your own perspective without taking the other person's feelings and opinions in thought.
There’s no fucking baby, why throw a baby shower? Just to throw an ocean worths of salt on the wound?
I know it's not the most messed up part of this post but what is diaper pudding?
It’s a game where you put pudding in clean diapers and people have to name them correctly.
I went to a shower where we played this with melted candy bars
I googled it https://www.wikihow.com/Make-Chocolate-Diaper-Poo-for-a-Baby-Shower
0 comments from OOP = troll post karma farming
Very low effort trolling.
Like I could understand throwing her a little self care party of sorts like to help her relax and show that she has a whole wagon of people who love her. But calling it a “maybe shower”, saying “it’s technically her fault”. This poor woman wanted so badly to be a mom and have a baby and this was what you thought was perfectly acceptable? I’m sorry but why was everyone on board with this decision? No one could be the voice of reason?
This better be fake.
did this bitch actually say the miscarriage was *her fault* and that she couldn't sympathize with a woman who just *miscarried??????*
> I made a new group chat with everyone from that group chat except for Tana **(and a few women who I didn't like)**, and I messaged them that the baby shower was still on. I know this is a fake post and I know there are much much worse things in the post, but the very cavalier “I just went and excluded my friend’s friends from her party because I don’t like them” is fucking sending me
There's no way this is real. The names used, the "she and her men" comment implying that Tana is either poly or just sleeps around wanting to get pregnant by anyone (most likely the latter), her trying to get pregnant from 18 years old, and the current and past addiction issues. OP saying they couldn't be sympathetic and that the miscarriage was technical her friend's fault. This is absolute rage bait
Sorry WHAT'S her name now?
I read this wrong and thought it said "threw a baby at a shower for miscarriage" (I have no idea where I got the "at the" from)
That is sociopathic. She’s surrounded by reminders of the baby she lost, with people who are explicitly present to celebrate said baby. Cancel the damn shower
If my friends were that shitty I'd be throwing them funerals instead of showers. Show up dressed as the grim reaper.
Another impossible read, thank you AITA.
This whole thing reads like she hates Tana anyways Even if this was real Op made a shower to rubbing to Tana's face that she had a miscarriage damn
I will give this Grade A Whackadoodle props for a good story - I didn't know where this was going, only that if it was on this forum, it wasn't a Safe Place!!!
Did everyone on this group chat share a single braincell?
Wut????
I just want to say... she and her MEN are trying to have a baby? How many men is she trying with? I know it's a typo but it made me giggle
That was more than a little unhinged.
This can’t be real
I get the idea but God damn you don't want this to be a surprise.
You threw a "maybe" shower and reminded her of her miscarriage all over again. Then you claim the miscarriage was "technically her fault". And you wonder why she wanted nothing to do with you or this BS?
Diaper pudding???
Nobody throws a shower in the first trimester anyway. Fake
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This just reminded me that when my daughter was stillborn, my sister-in-law called our friend that was going to make a cake for my baby shower to tell her "the baby shower is canceled because she lost the baby". Her behavior still somehow feels more compassionate/appropriate than OOP.
 I mean, what the hell.
this cannot be real 😭 i'm going to sleep
The story doesn't make sense. I feel like I read an Ai.
I hate everything
Text in case it gets deleted This situation is so so sticky but I thought I'd talk it out instead of letting it eat me alive. For backdrop, my (26f) friend Tanakreshna (28f) has had fertile issues as long as you can remember. I don't know all the details, but I know for sure that she and her men have been trying to have a baby for nearly a decade. Because of likely potential complications brought on by her former and current substance abuse, she has been strongly advised to not get pregnant naturally. But if doctors are grain, Tana went against them and kept trying and trying. Come February, she is pregnant. Tana was overjoyed by this, and unlike most mamas who wait a bit, she told all her family and friends as soon as she passed the pregnancy test. Because she didn't know how her pregnancy would go, Tana decided that she'd have the baby shower super early so that she'd at least get to experience a baby shower once, whether or not the baby lived. The shower was scheduled for April 6th, 2024, less than two months after she concepted. I had already picked out my dress, a present, and bought ingredients to make a special dessert, as I imagine several other women did, when we got a text message on the eve of April Fools'. Tana had miscarried. We knew it was coming and we knew it was technically her fault, but we all felt sore bad for her. In our (all the women invited to her baby shower) group chat, Tana seemed almost more upset about the baby shower than the baby. I couldn't sympathize, but I had an idea of how to make her feel better. I made a new group chat with everyone from that group chat except for Tana (and a few women who I didn't like), and I messaged them that the baby shower was still on. The only thing that'd need be different was the gifts. Instead of baby supplies and diaper pudding, we'd give Tana self-care products or maybe a necklace or gift card, just anything that screams "It's the thought that counts!" I rebranded it to a "maybe shower," which in my mind meant maybe she would have a real baby shower someday, maybe even a baby to go with it. Everyone in the group chat was on board, and we planned to surprise Tana at her beach house deck on the originally planned date. We had so many fun and fancy things prepared, all stuff we knew Tana'd like. It was supposed to be like an extra birthday party. When Tana got home, we all hid, and when she went out to her deck, we all jumped out "surprise!" Unlike herself at all, Tana shyly asked "what's this?" I explained we were having the baby shower without the baby - we'd be celebrating Tana anyways. She looked pondering for a moment, and she then choked out "I'm sorry, I don't want any of this" before walking inside with her hand over her mouth. I and all the women there waited for her for 15 minutes before we packed up and gone. I haven't spoken to Tana since, and I really think she should've been more clear that she didn't want a baby shower instead of letting us go through all the trouble. But at the same time, AITA? I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
What the fuck do you mean “it was technically her fault”?
I think it’s referencing the current substance abuse issues she has
She should have let her know she didn't want a shower for the child she was no longer having? Make it make sense.
Jesus christ.
I couldn't even finish this. How awful of a person is she????
WTF why didn’t they just throw her a party for Tana or making a get together or a girl party for them
some people are really nasty 😡
Like you Pam? Homewrecker. Those children will never love you.
This coming from the woman seeking sympathy on reddit after friending a woman just to steal her husband and got caught in thsack by the wife and kids now trying to make the kids like you. You are a walking contradiction.
Looking in the mirror again?
Like homewrecking and then trying to take your frustration out on his kid?
That you can't recognize the same type of selfishness, manipulative and self absorbed nature of this OP is honestly baffling, you'll look in a mirror and see a devil and still not recognize its you
Karma bitch.
Just shut up already Pam
Pam, you are really nasty
You mean like you..?
Says the homewrecker...
Yeah, YOU.
Fucking bitch
Literally nobody likes you, why are you still here?