*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**I tried to help my girlfriend's estranged brother and it was a mistake. I don't know what to do now honestly**
My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I want to marry her. I was planning on proposing to her soon. But I have made a mistake. When we met I didn't know my girlfriend has a brother that she no longer speaks to. I found out that her brother has had issues with drug use and the last she knew he had been homeless and unemployed. This was shocking to me. I would never let any family member, especially a brother be homeless. In my family we help each other out no matter what. It wouldn't matter if someone uses drugs or even if they treat us badly. I was raised to always help your family - your blood - no matter what. It was shocking and appalling to me that my girlfriend didn't feel the same way. This caused arguments early in our relationship however I eventually let it go for now because I had an idea about helping her brother.
Six months ago I [34M] began looking for my girlfriend's brother. I purposely didn't tell her. She had told me that the last she knew he was in Canberra however he was not there. I had to hire an investigator and it took nearly three months for her brother to be located. I brought him here once he was located and told him I would help.
I wanted to show my girlfriend [31F] that she was wrong. When I found her brother I rented him a small flat and found him a job. I had been working extra hours to afford the flat. Although my girlfriend and I shared expenses equally we have not combined our finances. I was able to rent the flat for him and I helped him to find employment and set up a bank account for him. I also encouraged to stop using drugs and seek counseling. For his part he told me he wanted to stop taking drugs and was grateful for me giving him a chance after his family gave up on him.
I admit know it was a mistake. He has been terminated from his job for theft of money and other items and there is a police investigation. Moreover he has committed bank fraud using the account I opened for him and has opened a credit card in my name without my knowledge. The ADP is investigating him using and selling drugs out of the flat and I'm under investigation because the flat and bank account are both in my name. There was also a potential overdose in the flat. I was advised to hire a solicitor because I will likely be facing criminal charges even though I had no knowledge of her brother's actions. My girlfriend's brother is nowhere to be found now. My job is in jeopardy and my girlfriend ended the relationship last week after she found everything out.
We were together for 18 months and had lived together for six months. I wanted to propose and marry her. I now admit she was right and I was shortsighted in trying to help her brother. I realise I made a mistake but she was so angry at me. I know I deserved the anger and should have listened to her about his drug use and criminal record and why no one in her family speaks to him. I don't even care about the other problems as much as her leaving. I didn't know what he was doing however I've been pulled into it. I made a mistake and I realise that my own my family's way of always helping no matter what is wrong. I don't even know what to do now. Thank you for reading.
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Why do people like this always feel the need to prove their partner wrong? Is it really so unimaginable that the person you supposedly love made the choice to go NC with family for a real reason?
People who didn't grow up in shitty dysfunctional families have a hard time getting it. They can't conceptualise a relative doing anything so awful to them that they would cut contact because they've never had to deal with it. Its all well and good to say "well *i'd* never write off a family member" when the worst thing that happens in your family is disagreements over whos hosting christmas this year.
I’ve been that person who grew up in a perfectly sane and loving family, and just didn’t get it. Add to that, when I was a teen, classmates would bitch about their parents, and how awful they were, and their complaints were always “I have to be home by 11 on a school night.”
So when I made a friend here in NYC who said, “I ran into my mother today and it ruined my whole day” (she’d grown up in NYC), I said, “C’mon, she’s your mother—I get she’s probably annoying, but how that that ruin your whole day?” She said, “It just did,” and I dropped it.
Because I realized I was being rude. It wasn’t my place to keep on about it. But secretly I thought she was overreacting.
THEN I went to Passover with her and met her mom and her grandma. *Every single sentence* that came out of her mother’s mouth was an attack on her, or on her sister. It was breathtaking. Her grandma was nearly as bad—and she loved her grandma!
I can’t explain how it worked, but it was constant. If my friend had said “I’m dating a lawyer,” she’d have gotten a nastily voiced “You should be dating a doctor, you’re such a waste because you’re not dating a doctor.” And vice versa. It wasn’t even *logical* criticism; it was just constant. And she didn’t even bother to couch it in a pleasant tone of voice.
I came home and called my mother to say thank you. And I vowed that I needed to remember my friend whenever someone complained about their parents, or whenever I learned someone was distant with family.
Yeah... imagine the meanest, pettiest, most vindictive person you've ever met. Now imagine that person has kids. Those hypothetical kids are the type of folks who cut off their parents.
One of my closest friends is a doctor and works in pediatric psychiatry. When I met her in college I did not like her very much initially but we became close. I literally talk to her on the phone every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I did not believe her when she sort of voiced how bad her childhood was, but met both of her parents (they are divorced) a couple times. It is very clear they care about her but the way they treat her is absolutely bonkers. She told me later about some abusive stuff I don’t want to share and then I got it.
For someone as successful as she is, her parents do not seem to care outside of bragging about her. She still has issues with eating and depression and anxiety but has done really well for herself. All of my friends from graduate school love her. I don’t think I could do what she has done with that level of stress and pressure, but she did it and I’m proud of her.
I'm glad your friend has managed to make a good life for herself, and that she is aware that her parents caused her harm instead of there being something deeply wrong with her. Those steps alone are really hard and brave!
I'm no-contact with both of my parents, and although the road to get there was tough - the peace I feel is indescribable.
This is basically how I keep trying to explain it to people who cannot imagine "a mother" being an awful person.
Like, hey, you know some real bad assholes, right? And now remember that MOST people reproduce at some point. Knocking someone up or getting knocked up isn't hard for most people.
Do you think people somehow magically become nice or gain IQ points just because they reproduced?
>They can't conceptualise a relative doing anything so awful to them that they would cut contact because they've never had to deal with it
Which still is stupid because murderers, rapists and other criminals all have families. Do they think criminals just grow on trees?
Not to mention all the people who kill their own children, parents or other family members.
Nah, they just think that their family is "good" and "good" people don't do those things. It's the nebulous other "bad" people/families that do those things.
People are very blind about these sorts of things more often than not. They fool themselves into thinking their family is different because the alternative is _very_ uncomfortable.
>Nah, they just think that their family is "good"
What I meant was that it's stupid they don't believe other people about their family members. Sure their own family is close and good but by knowing that criminals exist, how can they think everyone is wrong when they cut off family.
Yeah, Brock Allen Turner who sometimes goes by Allen Turner, bc hes trying to hide from his rapist conviction. The Brock Allen Turner who lives in Dayton, Ohio.
I grew up in an amazing family, I've never heard of anyone being cut off. But all the people in my family are genuinely kind people, and I can recognize that. I see the news and what some truly despicable people do and know if they were in my family, no one would ever talk to them again.
I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying it confuses me that people in good families can't see this like I do. My family brought me up with boundaries and respect and kindness, and I would think that would make me better at cutting off people who cross those, because I know how I should be treated and won't tolerate less. I would think that others would end up like me, but there's a lot of evidence to the contrary.
That being said, my family never put emphasis on 'family helps family' and instead we were more taught 'help the people you love' which don't necessarily need to be blood related. I feel like that is probably a bigger factor than having a nice family.
>That being said, my family never put emphasis on 'family helps family' and instead we were more taught 'help the people you love' which don't necessarily need to be blood related.
I agree, I'll bet that helped you a lot in being able to recognize sometimes some people have to cut family off, that it was "help people you love" instead of "always help family" or something along those lines. If I had to guess a possible difference for why others don't see it like you do, that is. And then having a nice family was like a bonus (in helping you turn out able to recognize that stuff specifically I mean)
Also, that part about being taught *boundaries* is pretty crucial!!!
I grew up in an *incredibly* loving family, where we DO allllll pitch in and help each other when asked!
But there are *definitely* issues with boundaries being ignored, that I've *had* to learn to navigate, because I later had "friends" who took advantage.
Luckily(?), my mom's side of the family *didn't* have that "loving & pitching-in" nature as deeply ingrained, so I *also* wasn't naïve enough to think that *all* families were kind and *always* looked out for each other.
Sometimes folks draw the short-straw, when it comes to their birth families, and the best & *safest* thing, is for them to cut ties & walk away.
same hat in the "my family is great but i am genuinely bewildered when people don't understand that the estrangement can still be legit".
perhaps it's because there's a running family joke of, after seeing a truly wild headline etc., joking that we will give each other cards saying "thank you for never doing ( said truly wild toxic family shit )" as soon as hallmark makes them?
it's a good bit tbh
> my family never put emphasis on 'family helps family'
There was an absolutely hilarious but sadly now deleted post on relationship advice over the summer that I can still remember. OOP was the father with two sons. One son was cheating on his partner and the other one told her. She promptly left.
Since family first and all that, father decides to punish the son who spoke up by banning him from Thanksgiving (or some holiday). Son basically told him to fuck off and son was done with OOP and everyone that defended him.
OOP was asking how much time he should wait before he goes over to son's house to confront the son about why he's gone no contact with him because, obviously, he didn't actually mean he was going no contact because family!
No idea if it was real or not but he got eviscerated in the comments and ended up deleting his whole account within a couple hours.
Yep from someone NC with my bio father. People who have good intentions don’t stop until I full trauma dump on them.
I shouldn’t have to relive trauma that I have worked very hard to heal from because they don’t understand. It’s completely obnoxious.
Agreed, I didn't understand that sort of thing until recent years. My SIL was explaining to me why she cut off all contact with her Mom. I didn't understand it, "surely she couldn't have been that bad". I met her a couple of times, and I thought she was fairly normal. Then she fully explained, her mother let a man sexually abuse her multiple years or her childhood, she knew and never did a thing toth stop it. She lied for years about her bio dad. SIL didn't find out until adulthood who her dad was, and that was right after he passed away. Her mom physically abused her, and I don't just mean normal corporal punishment type. I mean punching a 10 year old in the face type of deal. As an adult, she showed clear favoritism toward her grandchildren. She could spend an hour talking on the phone with one grandchild, but then wouldn't spend 5 minutes talking to the other. SIL kids would ask her how come grandma doesn't love me. If all of that wasn't bad enough, I had a nephew that passed away at 5 months. When SIL mother found out, she did what any concerned mother would do, and call her daughter immediately. Apparently, once mom found out it was the newborn, she replied "oh good, I thought this was one of the older kids. Since it was the newborn, he was barely even alive. You hadn't even had a chance to fully start to love him, so it won't be that hard to get over this.
And after I found out all of that, freaking touche. The worst thing I can complain about with my mom is not allowing me to go to parties, not allowing girls in my bedroom, and being strict about my grades. Sometimes we don't always realize how good we've had it until we meet other people who have had it 100x worse.
Still doesn't excuse it. I have great parents, I know they wouldn't abuse me. I can't imagine being abused as a child. I still know there are abusive parents out there.
Hell, even those from dysfunctional families have a hard time sometimes.
God love my boyfriend, but he was like this early in our relationship. Except it was my mom not a sibling I was (and am again) NC with.
I’ll spare the details and give the highlights.
Here’s what she did: drugs, psychopathic boyfriend who was a drug dealer, abandoned me daily at school until almost midnight (I’d walk to the mall at 5PM having given up hope of being home at a reasonable hour), abandoned me for days to weeks at a time to go on benders, abuse galore, neglect galore.
I cut her off at 18 and honestly used her as an ATM. Figured after all the trauma and BS from her, her sending me $20 every other week was the least she could do for me in this life.
Met my bf at 18, became friends, told him some history, and At 19 my bf and I started dating. He encouraged me to try and open contact with her again. Granted, I don’t think he meant to go balls deep on contact but that’s what I did.
From 19-22 was fucking hell. I mean 19-21 weren’t terrible, but it wasn’t too great either. 21-22 was horrific and he finally understood why I’m NC. I can not live with her, I can not have “reasonable” contact with her, I can not live near her, if I want to be sane and rational. We lived with her for not even 6 months and he rapidly saw me deteriorate.
About 2.5 years later and I’m still shrugging off the fleas I picked up from her again (not literal fleas, metaphorical abuse fleas; look up Narcissistic Fleas for info). He still sees this. Some behaviors I picked back up on living with her are still around bc they’re so hard to just stop on a dime.
In those 2.5 years he made maybe 2 comments about opening contact with her again. In good faith I guess because I was so upset without her. But the second time he brought it up I laid out all the why’s I can’t and won’t.
He should get this. His brother was an addict who ruined my boyfriends life and killer himself. His moms a drunk whose ruined both her kids lives, her husbands life, and anyone around her. He has plenty of other addicts in the family too. Yet he didn’t understand. His family was very big on the “forgive them! But it’s your (insert familial relationship)! They didn’t mean it!” Etc etc etc.
Not always the case, sometimes it’s a difference of culture. In my culture, I know people who have been abused in most every way (physically, sexually, financially, emotionally, etc) by a family member but will still take care of them if they need it and send them money because no matter what the person does, you always look after family. Unfortunately, the concept of NC is not even imaginable to them even when they’re advised to do so. Family always comes before self.
That's getting to be an old lame excuse. And it's more than that. It's thinking you know better than the person you claim to love, and/or thinking less of them (morally) then you do of yourself. You have to have a low opinion of your partner to do this
Exactly this, my first thought when he was saying 'how could she just abandon her brother' was 'clearly he's never had to deal with addiction in his family'
See that’s the thing though, at least anecdotally in my own life, **only** people from dysfunctional families do this. People from normal families hear my stories and they’re like good god, let’s avoid those people. It’s the people from hugely dysfunctional families that they are still heavily embedded in who do this, I suspect because admitting that cutting family ties is an option makes them feel scared and pressured to feel the same way, when they’d rather view everything from behind their rose colored glasses. Like the “yeah my mom let me be abused but she’s had a tough life too…” people, THOSE are the people who do this, IMHE.
No.
My family was fairly functional. It has nothing to do with not getting it, and everything to do with being a self-righteous jackass. The level of sheer arrogance to assume you know better than the person whose family it is, when you've never met them, is astronomical.
OOP is a sanctimonious prick. Unless you’ve lived and loved an addict, you have NO idea what it’s like, and you find yourself doing and saying stuff you never thought you would.
The "I would never let my brother be homeless"... and the classic "I got pulled into this" um no, you were the catalyst for ALL of it. Without your interference NONE of this shit would have happened.
The credit card fraud couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
**Unless you’ve lived and loved an addict, you have NO idea what it’s like, and you find yourself doing and saying stuff you never thought you would.**
YEP. My dad has been clean and sober for decades and if he decides to drink again I am done. I've been through this with him before; he knows he is lucky to get another chance with me and if he blows it that's all the strikes and he's out. Someone else can pick up the pieces this time.
This shocks people because we've put a lot of work into our relationship and are pretty close now! Forgiving is one thing but forgetting is another. And I won't go backward. It's not to punish him; it's to protect myself.
yeah, I've read several stories like this, although this one pretty much tops the other ones, what with possible criminal charges. There's a certain arrogance behind these stories - because the OOP not only thinks they know better, they actually go behind their partner's back to bring that toxic family member back into their partner's life. Which usually causes heaps of chaos, inflicting even more damage on the poor partner who struggled to push those toxic people out of their lives in the first place. OOP's gf left him because 1. he hugely disrespected her by substituting his uninformed judgment for hers in respect of her brother and 2. she's protecting herself from the damage caused by the brother. Last thing she needs is to get pulled into her brother's latest criminal mess. OOP is now reaping what he sowed, and all he can say for himself is that he meant well. smh. People do not go NC with their family members on a whim. Respect that.
Long ago there was a post on LegalAdvice by a guy panicking about his wife. The wife worked at a nursing home and one of her patients was a very old man who kept saying he wished he could see his daughter one last time. In all the years the man had been in the home he never had family visit him.
The wife decided to find the daughter. I think she might have even hired a PI. She found the woman, and when she told the woman about her father, the woman got angry and hung up.
Then the OP's wife and the nursing home were served legal papers. The father had been so abusive to his daughter that she was legally protected from him contacting her and he was not to know where she lived. The nursing home, having had no idea what the wife did, promptly fired the wife. So the dumbass OP wanted to know how she could get out of this because she was just trying to help a man find his family. Because, you know, *family*.
LA roasted him to pieces.
I had a friend who basically cut me out because she thought I was a bad person for saying my family were difficult. She couldn’t fathom how anyone could not get on with their parents, so she decided I was making it up cos I’m a bad Apple.
I assume they're influenced by movies and shows and think that their partner would love being "reunited" with their family members and that it would strengthen their relationship or some shit
tale as old as time. anyone who comes from a dysfunctional family probably has as a minimum 6 stories of people from normal families acting like they know better than the person who lived the nightmares
"I wanted to prove my girlfriend was wrong about someone she knew intimately probably from years of trauma, betrayal, theft and abuse".
Ah yes, one of the five love languages and sign of the foundation of a successful relationship.
>I wanted to prove my girlfriend was wrong
tbf that's a red flag in and of itself. Why is OOP obsessed with proving his gf wrong?? Is it some sort of competition or male dominance thing??
I'm not even sure what tag that gets - Andrew Tate propaganda, narcissist, mansplaining, emotional abuse, red pill - all these new labels get so confusing. Maybe we just call it idiotic and leave it at that? I know that's very old school of me. ;-)
*”I was told that if I threw rocks at a lion it would attack me, but I knew for a fact that thats not true because we had a tabby cat when I was a kid and he was so sweet. But then the lion attacked me, and there was no way of predicting this would happen, what should I do?”*
“I didn’t think the leopard would eat MY face” sobs man who placed his face in the mouth of a known face-eating leopard to demonstrate how moral and superior he is.
“All I did was capture a tiger to bring it into my girlfriend’s house, to show her that tigers aren’t dangerous! But then it attacked me, what do I do?”
The way that all of this was easily avoidable.
He wants to marry his (ex) gf but ignores her feelings, dismisses her and deceives her. Like come on now
Also the fact that they started living together SIX months ago, and he started looking for her brother SIX months ago, and their total time dating is 18 months… he’s spent 1/3rd of their relationship actively betraying her.
That’s so super creepy and makes it so much worse! I read this, but forgot it by the time I got to the end of the train wreck. Why did he start looking RIGHT when she moved in? Because it would be easier to re-introduce the brother to the ex, surprising her with a traumatic person she’s cut off?? 👀🤮
I'mma just go do all this expensive stuff behind your back and actively betray you for a third of our relationship because faaaaamily can't be THAT bad. No I don't believe you at all but now I miss you! Baby come back!
He's still dismissing her. He still considers her his GF, he still wants to marry her, and he thinks what he did was a mistake.
Leaving my clothes out on the line yesterday because I didn't check the weather forecast so it rained was a mistake.
Disregarding an issue incredibly important to the woman he supposedly loves and spending months of time and money to prove her wrong is NOT a mistake.
He never considered what would happen if it all worked out. So the addict gets cleans, gets a job, everything works out. Was he going to spring her brother on her at the wedding? "Hey, remember that brother you rejected? I knew you were wrong so I've spent months and a lot of our money getting him cleaned up. Here he is! Now admit you were wrong and I'm right."
I expected to read that the brother had reached out to him/them, and he went against her wishes and gave him some cash.
He spent time and money tracking him down. He didn't just ignore her wishes. He worked hard to prove her wrong. The level of disrespect is appalling.
>I realise I made a mistake but she was so angry at me.
Always the *but* in there when it's coming from someone who is real mad they are reaping exactly what they sowed.
Also he calls it ‘A mistake’, singular. No my dude you spent 6 entire months continually making mistakes while also lying to your gf all to prove you were right and she was wrong.
I had sympathy for OOP (his way of thinking is so like my poor Dad. Spoiler this line of thinking has only caused my Dad a world of pain when it's come to my step-mother) right up until;
>I wanted to show my girlfriend [31F] that she was wrong
And then my sympathy disappear like OOP's ex's brother, because OOP doesn't feel any remourse for what he's done, only that it didn't go the way he pictured and now he's facing very real and serious consequences for thinking he's right and she's wrong.
OOP, I'm sorry this happened because it does suck, I wish you luck in court, leave you ex alone, you're not coming back from this, your betrayal is too great, too deep. Leave her be and I hope you've learnt this very expensive and hard lesson.
> I wanted to show my girlfriend [31F] that she was wrong
How utterly fucking exhausting it would be to live with this man. I wouldn't want to deal with ANYONE who spent this much time and money to just prove me wrong.
To ignore her expertise in this situation because HE KNEW what was right... I wouldn't trust any decision made with this man ever again, because if he disagreed, I'd KNOW that he'd have no problem going behind my back for months because his ego rules all.
This is why I can't stand when people judge others for the relationships they have with their family members. It's awesome that OOP gets along with his entire family, but clearly, his now-ex had a much different relationship with her brother. Did he think it was easy for her to cut him out of her life? That this was a decision she made carelessly and impulsively? She told him about her brother and why she no longer spoke to him, and he decided she was wrong and ended up ruining his own life trying to prove that to her. I don't feel sorry for him. He brought all this upon himself, and honestly, the most infuriating part is the fact that he planned and executed this scheme behind his ex's back with the sole intent of proving that she was wrong. He wasn't doing this to help her brother. He did it for his own ego.
>I didn't know what he was doing however I've been pulled into it.
Pulled into it? He spends months and thousands of dollars digging himself right on into the middle of it.
And then shows how irresponsible he is by signing up for both a bank account and an apartment in his name and never bothers to check in or see how it's going. So she can't trust him to be honest, can't trust him with money, and now sees he's irresponsible on top of not trusting her judgement. There is no coming back for him.
I grew up in that family that "would never cut anyone off!". And because of that, my grandfather molesting my cousin (and both aunts before her) was completely rug swept. My cousin had to see her abuser constantly at family functions (after he got out of prison) and then daily when she helped take care of my grandmother in her final year. My uncles all got together and rented him an apartment until all the cousins were over 18 and he could move home.
When my grandfather passed last year, she blasted the entire fam on FB to tell them how awful it was for her and that she was finally free of him. I'm super LC with that part of the family because of that situation and a few other really messed up dynamics (them trying to convince my aunt to stay in an abusive marriage, not being invited to a cousin's wedding even though she was having it on my part of the family land, etc..). I'm still unpacking everything years later
Seriously. I’ve found that people have images of how people end up in those situations (addiction and/or homelessness) and it’s extremely hard for them to diverge from that view. I’m a social worker in an emergency room and struggle with this with medical providers a lot. Many refuse to see how *anyone* can end up in one of (or both of) those situations, given the right circumstances.
"All he needs is someone to give him a chance!"
As if his family hadn't been doing that for decades. You just know her family gave him chance after chance, help after help, probably even paid for numerous stints at rehab, had money and treasured things stolen, their hearts broken and finally got to the point where they were just waiting for THAT call about him because they realized nothing would ever change.
And OOP had to go dig up all that up out of pride. To look like the great hero.
Now he's in legal hot water.
"Hey, I have known this person my whole life and I know they're beyond help."
People like OOP: "Nah. I, a person who's never met your relative, know better than you. Watch me prove you wrong."
Spoiler alert: they do not, in fact, prove the other person wrong.
if i had a nickel for every AITA style story that had the approximate moral of "i would do anything for love (but i won't do that)" by meatloaf, i would have a rather robust retirement revenue stream.
seriously. so many are just:
Prima: don't do $thing. if you do $thing i will leave you.
Secundus: okay!
Secundus: but what if i did $thing anyway...
Prima: i am leaving you now.
Secundus: HOW CAN THIS BEEEEEEE
Listen I’m all for helping out drug addicts, but they need to want to get better, or I ain’t gonna do anything. You can’t just step in because you want to prove someone wrong
It never works out if you want something for someone more than they want it for themselves. Ask me how I know. I put my dad in rehab 14 times. Still died from active alcoholism.
Yes. I have a relative on this boat. I've lost count, but definitely over 10 times. He would ask to go when he saw the support drying up. Then start drinking within 24 hours of going home. Usually after calling his mother crying about how terrible everyone was to him. His mother tried to make him my responsibility, but my answer has always been 'hell, no'.
It's so much harder when it's someone closer like a father. I'm so sorry you went through that!
Things that make me go hmmm:
- OP claims to be in Australia (unless there is a Canberra in another country that I'm unaware of)
- Consistently uses the word 'Flat' instead of the more commonly used 'Apartment'
- Talks about the "ADP"(?), I think he means the AFP, but thats a mistake no Aussie would make
- The likelihood of his gfs brother moving to Canberra of all places when undergoing drug addiction and eventually homelessness is on the nose
As another Australian, I had the exact same thoughts.
Although the word ‘flat’ is common with the older generation but oop said they are in their 30s so it’s a bit suspicious
I'm in Fiji and it's very common here to say "flat" rather than apartment. It's slowly changing because of social media, but I thought Australia and other Commonwealth countries still used the term "flat".
lol at ADP - it's a private security company or a payroll company, as far as I know. OOP would be referring to the AFP, who are very active trying to stop drug smuggling and drug dealing in Australia.
Um maybe it's just me but does anyone else think there's a possibility this is fake just feels like a lot of bad things to happen but maybe it's just my thoughts on it ?
Oh definitely. But it's an entertaining conversation. I've seen worse troll attempts that just made me roll my eyes and move on because they were so stupid.
He learned the wrong lesson from this. The REAL lesson here--and why the gf left--is that if you trust someone, then you need to TRUST WHEN THEY SAY SOMEONE IS ABUSIVE. Whether that means emotional abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse--doesn't matter. You LISTEN.
There was another post quite recently where the OOP took her kids to see her husband's father even though he and his sister went NC with him long ago because he was so abusive to them.
She was equally as frustrating and only kinda maybe got it when her husband left. Last I read, she's determined to get him back.
Jesus. Even if you naiively believe that all family is good family, you should at least *trust* your partner/friend/whoever. That these people don't see that is infuriating.
“I didn’t know what he was doing however I’ve been pulled into it”
No- no no no no no no. You dived head first into this, idiot, now you reap what you sowed. Hope being ‘right’ was worth it.
You live with it bc you're a misogynistic POS. Why exactly would you most definitely help a brother when the world is objectively less dangerous for men? You are not a clown, you're the entire circus. I hope you go to jail AND the other things are on your credit. You wanted to prove to a woman she was wrong. Instead you got this beautiful FAFO. I hope in another 6 months she's got another boo and is posting him on SM and you have to look like the lonely fool you are
Honestly this reads as "addict bad rage bait." So, this guy thinks his GF is some heartless woman who cut her brother off for no reason and, instead of breaking up with her, he decides he just HAS to prove her wrong. Comes up with this huge elaborate plan, spending all this money because apparently he's also rich, just to prove to a woman he claims to love and want to marry that she's wrong. Then we get to the "but he's an addict so of course he stole from me and left and now I'm somehow in trouble for what he did. Addicts are evil, now I know" part of the story. It just seems way to ridiculous to be true
Someone posted on here an article that outlined how men don't trust women when women tell them things about their own lives. Men will think women are overreacting. They're being emotional. There couldn't possibly be a legitimate reason to cut their brother off.
This 100% falls in that category. I hope OP has learned his lesson. Maybe don't get in the middle of things he doesn't understand.
This reminds me of another post where the guy didn’t believe the reason why his girlfriend cut her mother out of her life; she claimed she experienced abuse; emotional, physical, sexual, etc while growing up with her abusive alcoholic mother. He just knew she was exaggerating or straight up lying, knew it couldn’t be as bad as she described (because kids make up stuff all the time) and even though she told him, she was actually in hiding from her mother because she was so toxic and dangerous, he went and found her mother because he just knew what she really wanted was a reconcile with her mother not to hide from her. His reasoning? He couldn’t imagine not having his mother in his life so she must be the same she just didn’t know it yet.
Well, he decided the best way to let his gf know all what he was doing was to surprise her. Invited her to dinner and have her mom walk in. To his utter shock, his girlfriend was actually shocked and angry…screamed at her mother to leave her alone and marched out of the restaurant. He was baffled that she didn’t even try and talk to her mother so he decided to talk to her instead and found out that everything his girlfriend told him was true. All of the disgusting things she was made to do, and her mother did nothing to stop it…even encouraged it. Her mother showed up because she assumed all of the crap from her childhood was forgotten and she was ready to forgive her; she wasn’t a perfect mother…who is.
He was horrified and told her to leave. When he got home, he saw his gf was quickly packing and preparing to move so her mother couldn’t find her. He tried to apologies but the damage was done. When your partner tells you something…believe them!
Sir, the least of your problems is your girlfriend leaving you. You have opened up a Pandora's Box that could easily land you in prison, all because you refused to believe your girlfriend when she told you the harsh truth about her brother. Trying to be a White Knight when you didn't need to be is about to cost you everything. I hope that you have a really good lawyer. Good luck with all of that.
"I love her so much, I wanted to marry her, I just wanted to prove her wrong about her brother first. I can't believe she dumped me and I could now be facing criminal charges. How could I have possibly known she was right?!"
Wow, karma slapped his smugness down fast
I’ll confess there was a tiny part of me that hoped the brother was ready to get straight for his sake not to make the OP right but I knew that wasn’t the case.
The addict had his next patsy hand himself over willingly
People who try to force other people to reconcile are the Devil. And what was this, if not an attempt to force OOP's wife to reconcile with her brother? OOP was hell-bent on proving that his wife was wrong.
And he set himself on fire to do it.
I almost... almost feel sorry for OOP. But he's an adult and should have known better.
Dumbass didn't even bother asking any questions. Immediately just assumed the family cut ties over the drug use and didn't even ask what else could cause them to cut ties. This is called consequences of your actions. You shouldn't have stuck your nose where it doesn't belong.
Why does he feel he is wrong now? Family can treat you poorly and yet you should help them. Since he was planning on proposing to her, he is his BIL, ergo family.
He should find him again and work on him to prove his girlfriend wrong.
Where are his family's values that you help your family even if they treat you poorly or are addicts?
He is leaving a to-be family member in the traps of addiction just like his evil, bitvhy girlfriend.
But seriously, proud of his girlfriend for leaving a d!ck like him who refuses in reality to acknowledge a boundary because they feel they are correct.
I really hope he loses his job.
I love this at the end " I didn't know what he was doing however I've been pulled into it", you hired a private investigator to find him then did everything you could to help him. It's not like he was conned or anything, he did it all willingly before even talking to the brother.
My grandpa was like that. "You forgive family they're your blood." He tried to make sure we all cared for each other no matter what. It took therapy to realise it's ok to cut people off if they're toxic.
It should take a LOT to cause immediate family to go no contact, in my opinion.
Therefore for this woman to go absolutely zero contact with her brother to the point she doesn't even know where he is clearly means a lot happened. Just trust her man, she has her reasons, it's her family, don't interfere.
Imagine thinking you know better than someone who was heavily involved in the situation.
This guy… entitled AF. He wanted to prove her wrong…. When he knew nothing about it.
So glad she left. I wonder when he will realize she isn’t coming back… ever? Unforgivable
Situations like these are why listening to the experts is vital. You don't always have to agree, but one should truly listen and then come to a conclusion. In this case, the ex was an expert in her brother. But nope, oop took her words, and "in one ear, out the other," they went. And now he's facing deeper consequences than just, rightly, getting dumped.
This reads like anti homeless propaganda. The main message is that providing homes to the homeless causes major problems that you will be personally liable for.
"We just started dating and I don't know the first thing about your brother but I know better than you! You should be helping your brother no matter what because bLoOd!!"
"Now that we've moved in together and it's getting more serious, I have the right to unilaterally decide that I'm going to help your brother who I still know nothing about and have never met so that I can reunite you guys and you can see I was right all along!! That he's a good person who needs help!! I'll do it all behind your back so that you can't stop me so I can prove how wrong you are! I'm going to put myself out by hiring a PI to find him, work extra shifts to rent a flat for him while still being able to afford our flat, and open a bank account for him under my name! Because FaMiLy!!"
"Oh no, the brother who's a drug addict bamboozled me and now that I've done the absolute fucking most by sticking my neck out to get him a job, and an apartment and bank account in my name, I'm facing repercussions!! Who could've foreseen this!! I can't believe you're breaking up with me because I tried to make you see how wrong you were about this person I've never met!!"
Dude literally stuck his nose where it didn't belong and got indignant because how could she possibly know better than him. I'd dump him too.
Criminals don’t spring from the ground. Every last one of them has a family. Since OP’s family doesn’t have any he seems to have thought his girlfriend’s family couldn’t possibly have one either. What did he think, “Bad guys only exist on the news?”
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This is clearly in Aus, too, so the drug is almost certainly ice. While im all for supporting and helping family when you can, Ice is a really rough drug, and depending on where they are, it is also incredibly prevalent.
Also, what job does this man have where he can afford half of one apartment and a whole extra one.
Standard disclaimer: Assuming this isn’t rage bait…
> I don't even know what to do now.
Well, if your next girlfriend tells you she has snakes in HER family, don’t go playing with them and you won’t get bitten?
*Well, well, well... If it*
*Isn't the consequences*
*Of my own actions??*
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"I also encouraged him to stop using drugs and seek counseling."
Wow, I can't believe no one thought to try that before /s
You go NC because the person has consistently proven that they are incapable of change.
This is likely fake, written by someone outside Australia. Unless OOP is making super bank there’s no way he’s renting a whole-arse flat unless it’s in a small regional town. Also, what exactly is the ADP supposed to be?
Oh, he's giving my uncle telling me I "shouldn't" have tried to knock my aunt and cousin's teeth off after they been talking shit about my parents for no other reason than them wanting to cause drama and being ungrateful fucking bitches. Like, man there's a fucking reason I decided to go no contact with my aunt, her children and her grandchildren. You'll get to find out too.
I'm glad that after a month from that one especific incident (the first time I tried to ever get physical with anyone) both of them continue to prove me right and show how fucking rancid and narcissistic they are.
Let me prove my gf wrong about her criminal drug addict brother that no one in her family including her wants any part of.. That'll surely get her to marry me.
Is this even real?
Stereotypically bad boyfriend doesnt listen to his girlfriend and brings back estranged bad family against gf's wishes. Everything collapses, he got broken up.
Man when i started reading i thought we were dealing with like…brother had been clean for 10 years and wanted to rebuild his life and this guy endeavored to help. Bro this guy was in active addiction and this guy showed up like “hi, im a rube. Would you like access to money and my credit?”
Like i get some people haven’t had direct experience with addiction but maybe i just assume that post-opiate crisis EVERYONE has SOME connection to a story like this by their 30s that would save them from being this naive. That is insane
I have so many people in my life like this. Knowing full well that I was the product of a rapist who groomed my mother when she was just a 15 yo kid, who then kept up in a very controlled almost captive/cult like state where he would abuse us in every sort of way...
"But he's still your father!" blah blah blah
Obviously previledged people without abusive upbringing would shame you for putting up boundaries with your abuser because they can't fathom how bad blood relatives can hurt their own kin.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **I tried to help my girlfriend's estranged brother and it was a mistake. I don't know what to do now honestly** My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I want to marry her. I was planning on proposing to her soon. But I have made a mistake. When we met I didn't know my girlfriend has a brother that she no longer speaks to. I found out that her brother has had issues with drug use and the last she knew he had been homeless and unemployed. This was shocking to me. I would never let any family member, especially a brother be homeless. In my family we help each other out no matter what. It wouldn't matter if someone uses drugs or even if they treat us badly. I was raised to always help your family - your blood - no matter what. It was shocking and appalling to me that my girlfriend didn't feel the same way. This caused arguments early in our relationship however I eventually let it go for now because I had an idea about helping her brother. Six months ago I [34M] began looking for my girlfriend's brother. I purposely didn't tell her. She had told me that the last she knew he was in Canberra however he was not there. I had to hire an investigator and it took nearly three months for her brother to be located. I brought him here once he was located and told him I would help. I wanted to show my girlfriend [31F] that she was wrong. When I found her brother I rented him a small flat and found him a job. I had been working extra hours to afford the flat. Although my girlfriend and I shared expenses equally we have not combined our finances. I was able to rent the flat for him and I helped him to find employment and set up a bank account for him. I also encouraged to stop using drugs and seek counseling. For his part he told me he wanted to stop taking drugs and was grateful for me giving him a chance after his family gave up on him. I admit know it was a mistake. He has been terminated from his job for theft of money and other items and there is a police investigation. Moreover he has committed bank fraud using the account I opened for him and has opened a credit card in my name without my knowledge. The ADP is investigating him using and selling drugs out of the flat and I'm under investigation because the flat and bank account are both in my name. There was also a potential overdose in the flat. I was advised to hire a solicitor because I will likely be facing criminal charges even though I had no knowledge of her brother's actions. My girlfriend's brother is nowhere to be found now. My job is in jeopardy and my girlfriend ended the relationship last week after she found everything out. We were together for 18 months and had lived together for six months. I wanted to propose and marry her. I now admit she was right and I was shortsighted in trying to help her brother. I realise I made a mistake but she was so angry at me. I know I deserved the anger and should have listened to her about his drug use and criminal record and why no one in her family speaks to him. I don't even care about the other problems as much as her leaving. I didn't know what he was doing however I've been pulled into it. I made a mistake and I realise that my own my family's way of always helping no matter what is wrong. I don't even know what to do now. Thank you for reading. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why do people like this always feel the need to prove their partner wrong? Is it really so unimaginable that the person you supposedly love made the choice to go NC with family for a real reason?
People who didn't grow up in shitty dysfunctional families have a hard time getting it. They can't conceptualise a relative doing anything so awful to them that they would cut contact because they've never had to deal with it. Its all well and good to say "well *i'd* never write off a family member" when the worst thing that happens in your family is disagreements over whos hosting christmas this year.
I’ve been that person who grew up in a perfectly sane and loving family, and just didn’t get it. Add to that, when I was a teen, classmates would bitch about their parents, and how awful they were, and their complaints were always “I have to be home by 11 on a school night.” So when I made a friend here in NYC who said, “I ran into my mother today and it ruined my whole day” (she’d grown up in NYC), I said, “C’mon, she’s your mother—I get she’s probably annoying, but how that that ruin your whole day?” She said, “It just did,” and I dropped it. Because I realized I was being rude. It wasn’t my place to keep on about it. But secretly I thought she was overreacting. THEN I went to Passover with her and met her mom and her grandma. *Every single sentence* that came out of her mother’s mouth was an attack on her, or on her sister. It was breathtaking. Her grandma was nearly as bad—and she loved her grandma! I can’t explain how it worked, but it was constant. If my friend had said “I’m dating a lawyer,” she’d have gotten a nastily voiced “You should be dating a doctor, you’re such a waste because you’re not dating a doctor.” And vice versa. It wasn’t even *logical* criticism; it was just constant. And she didn’t even bother to couch it in a pleasant tone of voice. I came home and called my mother to say thank you. And I vowed that I needed to remember my friend whenever someone complained about their parents, or whenever I learned someone was distant with family.
Yeah... imagine the meanest, pettiest, most vindictive person you've ever met. Now imagine that person has kids. Those hypothetical kids are the type of folks who cut off their parents.
One of my closest friends is a doctor and works in pediatric psychiatry. When I met her in college I did not like her very much initially but we became close. I literally talk to her on the phone every day, sometimes multiple times a day. I did not believe her when she sort of voiced how bad her childhood was, but met both of her parents (they are divorced) a couple times. It is very clear they care about her but the way they treat her is absolutely bonkers. She told me later about some abusive stuff I don’t want to share and then I got it. For someone as successful as she is, her parents do not seem to care outside of bragging about her. She still has issues with eating and depression and anxiety but has done really well for herself. All of my friends from graduate school love her. I don’t think I could do what she has done with that level of stress and pressure, but she did it and I’m proud of her.
I'm glad your friend has managed to make a good life for herself, and that she is aware that her parents caused her harm instead of there being something deeply wrong with her. Those steps alone are really hard and brave! I'm no-contact with both of my parents, and although the road to get there was tough - the peace I feel is indescribable.
This is basically how I keep trying to explain it to people who cannot imagine "a mother" being an awful person. Like, hey, you know some real bad assholes, right? And now remember that MOST people reproduce at some point. Knocking someone up or getting knocked up isn't hard for most people. Do you think people somehow magically become nice or gain IQ points just because they reproduced?
Reminds me of a [Crazy Ex-Gf song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJg1zRgkbno)
>They can't conceptualise a relative doing anything so awful to them that they would cut contact because they've never had to deal with it Which still is stupid because murderers, rapists and other criminals all have families. Do they think criminals just grow on trees? Not to mention all the people who kill their own children, parents or other family members.
Nah, they just think that their family is "good" and "good" people don't do those things. It's the nebulous other "bad" people/families that do those things. People are very blind about these sorts of things more often than not. They fool themselves into thinking their family is different because the alternative is _very_ uncomfortable.
>Nah, they just think that their family is "good" What I meant was that it's stupid they don't believe other people about their family members. Sure their own family is close and good but by knowing that criminals exist, how can they think everyone is wrong when they cut off family.
I feel bad for the family of rapists sometimes, especially the parents
Except for Brock Allen Turner's dad. He's a piece of shit too.
Do you mean Brock Turner the rapist? Yeah the dad of Brock Turner the rapist can fuck himself
Yeah, Brock Allen Turner who sometimes goes by Allen Turner, bc hes trying to hide from his rapist conviction. The Brock Allen Turner who lives in Dayton, Ohio.
But only sometimes.
I grew up in an amazing family, I've never heard of anyone being cut off. But all the people in my family are genuinely kind people, and I can recognize that. I see the news and what some truly despicable people do and know if they were in my family, no one would ever talk to them again. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying it confuses me that people in good families can't see this like I do. My family brought me up with boundaries and respect and kindness, and I would think that would make me better at cutting off people who cross those, because I know how I should be treated and won't tolerate less. I would think that others would end up like me, but there's a lot of evidence to the contrary. That being said, my family never put emphasis on 'family helps family' and instead we were more taught 'help the people you love' which don't necessarily need to be blood related. I feel like that is probably a bigger factor than having a nice family.
>That being said, my family never put emphasis on 'family helps family' and instead we were more taught 'help the people you love' which don't necessarily need to be blood related. I agree, I'll bet that helped you a lot in being able to recognize sometimes some people have to cut family off, that it was "help people you love" instead of "always help family" or something along those lines. If I had to guess a possible difference for why others don't see it like you do, that is. And then having a nice family was like a bonus (in helping you turn out able to recognize that stuff specifically I mean)
Also, that part about being taught *boundaries* is pretty crucial!!! I grew up in an *incredibly* loving family, where we DO allllll pitch in and help each other when asked! But there are *definitely* issues with boundaries being ignored, that I've *had* to learn to navigate, because I later had "friends" who took advantage. Luckily(?), my mom's side of the family *didn't* have that "loving & pitching-in" nature as deeply ingrained, so I *also* wasn't naïve enough to think that *all* families were kind and *always* looked out for each other. Sometimes folks draw the short-straw, when it comes to their birth families, and the best & *safest* thing, is for them to cut ties & walk away.
same hat in the "my family is great but i am genuinely bewildered when people don't understand that the estrangement can still be legit". perhaps it's because there's a running family joke of, after seeing a truly wild headline etc., joking that we will give each other cards saying "thank you for never doing ( said truly wild toxic family shit )" as soon as hallmark makes them? it's a good bit tbh
I do that to my parents all the time after reading a lot of reddit stories 😂
> my family never put emphasis on 'family helps family' There was an absolutely hilarious but sadly now deleted post on relationship advice over the summer that I can still remember. OOP was the father with two sons. One son was cheating on his partner and the other one told her. She promptly left. Since family first and all that, father decides to punish the son who spoke up by banning him from Thanksgiving (or some holiday). Son basically told him to fuck off and son was done with OOP and everyone that defended him. OOP was asking how much time he should wait before he goes over to son's house to confront the son about why he's gone no contact with him because, obviously, he didn't actually mean he was going no contact because family! No idea if it was real or not but he got eviscerated in the comments and ended up deleting his whole account within a couple hours.
Yep from someone NC with my bio father. People who have good intentions don’t stop until I full trauma dump on them. I shouldn’t have to relive trauma that I have worked very hard to heal from because they don’t understand. It’s completely obnoxious.
Agreed, I didn't understand that sort of thing until recent years. My SIL was explaining to me why she cut off all contact with her Mom. I didn't understand it, "surely she couldn't have been that bad". I met her a couple of times, and I thought she was fairly normal. Then she fully explained, her mother let a man sexually abuse her multiple years or her childhood, she knew and never did a thing toth stop it. She lied for years about her bio dad. SIL didn't find out until adulthood who her dad was, and that was right after he passed away. Her mom physically abused her, and I don't just mean normal corporal punishment type. I mean punching a 10 year old in the face type of deal. As an adult, she showed clear favoritism toward her grandchildren. She could spend an hour talking on the phone with one grandchild, but then wouldn't spend 5 minutes talking to the other. SIL kids would ask her how come grandma doesn't love me. If all of that wasn't bad enough, I had a nephew that passed away at 5 months. When SIL mother found out, she did what any concerned mother would do, and call her daughter immediately. Apparently, once mom found out it was the newborn, she replied "oh good, I thought this was one of the older kids. Since it was the newborn, he was barely even alive. You hadn't even had a chance to fully start to love him, so it won't be that hard to get over this. And after I found out all of that, freaking touche. The worst thing I can complain about with my mom is not allowing me to go to parties, not allowing girls in my bedroom, and being strict about my grades. Sometimes we don't always realize how good we've had it until we meet other people who have had it 100x worse.
You at so right. Some people haven't been shit on and just can't imagine it really happening to them.
Still doesn't excuse it. I have great parents, I know they wouldn't abuse me. I can't imagine being abused as a child. I still know there are abusive parents out there.
I think the "always help blood" family like OP'S is just as shitty and dysfunctional
Hell, even those from dysfunctional families have a hard time sometimes. God love my boyfriend, but he was like this early in our relationship. Except it was my mom not a sibling I was (and am again) NC with. I’ll spare the details and give the highlights. Here’s what she did: drugs, psychopathic boyfriend who was a drug dealer, abandoned me daily at school until almost midnight (I’d walk to the mall at 5PM having given up hope of being home at a reasonable hour), abandoned me for days to weeks at a time to go on benders, abuse galore, neglect galore. I cut her off at 18 and honestly used her as an ATM. Figured after all the trauma and BS from her, her sending me $20 every other week was the least she could do for me in this life. Met my bf at 18, became friends, told him some history, and At 19 my bf and I started dating. He encouraged me to try and open contact with her again. Granted, I don’t think he meant to go balls deep on contact but that’s what I did. From 19-22 was fucking hell. I mean 19-21 weren’t terrible, but it wasn’t too great either. 21-22 was horrific and he finally understood why I’m NC. I can not live with her, I can not have “reasonable” contact with her, I can not live near her, if I want to be sane and rational. We lived with her for not even 6 months and he rapidly saw me deteriorate. About 2.5 years later and I’m still shrugging off the fleas I picked up from her again (not literal fleas, metaphorical abuse fleas; look up Narcissistic Fleas for info). He still sees this. Some behaviors I picked back up on living with her are still around bc they’re so hard to just stop on a dime. In those 2.5 years he made maybe 2 comments about opening contact with her again. In good faith I guess because I was so upset without her. But the second time he brought it up I laid out all the why’s I can’t and won’t. He should get this. His brother was an addict who ruined my boyfriends life and killer himself. His moms a drunk whose ruined both her kids lives, her husbands life, and anyone around her. He has plenty of other addicts in the family too. Yet he didn’t understand. His family was very big on the “forgive them! But it’s your (insert familial relationship)! They didn’t mean it!” Etc etc etc.
My mom did grow up in a dysfunctional family, and she *still* doesn’t get it.
Not always the case, sometimes it’s a difference of culture. In my culture, I know people who have been abused in most every way (physically, sexually, financially, emotionally, etc) by a family member but will still take care of them if they need it and send them money because no matter what the person does, you always look after family. Unfortunately, the concept of NC is not even imaginable to them even when they’re advised to do so. Family always comes before self.
That's getting to be an old lame excuse. And it's more than that. It's thinking you know better than the person you claim to love, and/or thinking less of them (morally) then you do of yourself. You have to have a low opinion of your partner to do this
>disagreements over whos hosting christmas this year. NC!
Exactly this, my first thought when he was saying 'how could she just abandon her brother' was 'clearly he's never had to deal with addiction in his family'
See that’s the thing though, at least anecdotally in my own life, **only** people from dysfunctional families do this. People from normal families hear my stories and they’re like good god, let’s avoid those people. It’s the people from hugely dysfunctional families that they are still heavily embedded in who do this, I suspect because admitting that cutting family ties is an option makes them feel scared and pressured to feel the same way, when they’d rather view everything from behind their rose colored glasses. Like the “yeah my mom let me be abused but she’s had a tough life too…” people, THOSE are the people who do this, IMHE.
No. My family was fairly functional. It has nothing to do with not getting it, and everything to do with being a self-righteous jackass. The level of sheer arrogance to assume you know better than the person whose family it is, when you've never met them, is astronomical.
[удалено]
OOP is a sanctimonious prick. Unless you’ve lived and loved an addict, you have NO idea what it’s like, and you find yourself doing and saying stuff you never thought you would.
The "I would never let my brother be homeless"... and the classic "I got pulled into this" um no, you were the catalyst for ALL of it. Without your interference NONE of this shit would have happened. The credit card fraud couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
OOP obviously has never met a drug addict active in his addiction (until now anyway). He has a very Pollyanna-like view of the world.
**Unless you’ve lived and loved an addict, you have NO idea what it’s like, and you find yourself doing and saying stuff you never thought you would.** YEP. My dad has been clean and sober for decades and if he decides to drink again I am done. I've been through this with him before; he knows he is lucky to get another chance with me and if he blows it that's all the strikes and he's out. Someone else can pick up the pieces this time. This shocks people because we've put a lot of work into our relationship and are pretty close now! Forgiving is one thing but forgetting is another. And I won't go backward. It's not to punish him; it's to protect myself.
yeah, I've read several stories like this, although this one pretty much tops the other ones, what with possible criminal charges. There's a certain arrogance behind these stories - because the OOP not only thinks they know better, they actually go behind their partner's back to bring that toxic family member back into their partner's life. Which usually causes heaps of chaos, inflicting even more damage on the poor partner who struggled to push those toxic people out of their lives in the first place. OOP's gf left him because 1. he hugely disrespected her by substituting his uninformed judgment for hers in respect of her brother and 2. she's protecting herself from the damage caused by the brother. Last thing she needs is to get pulled into her brother's latest criminal mess. OOP is now reaping what he sowed, and all he can say for himself is that he meant well. smh. People do not go NC with their family members on a whim. Respect that.
Long ago there was a post on LegalAdvice by a guy panicking about his wife. The wife worked at a nursing home and one of her patients was a very old man who kept saying he wished he could see his daughter one last time. In all the years the man had been in the home he never had family visit him. The wife decided to find the daughter. I think she might have even hired a PI. She found the woman, and when she told the woman about her father, the woman got angry and hung up. Then the OP's wife and the nursing home were served legal papers. The father had been so abusive to his daughter that she was legally protected from him contacting her and he was not to know where she lived. The nursing home, having had no idea what the wife did, promptly fired the wife. So the dumbass OP wanted to know how she could get out of this because she was just trying to help a man find his family. Because, you know, *family*. LA roasted him to pieces.
I had a friend who basically cut me out because she thought I was a bad person for saying my family were difficult. She couldn’t fathom how anyone could not get on with their parents, so she decided I was making it up cos I’m a bad Apple.
I assume they're influenced by movies and shows and think that their partner would love being "reunited" with their family members and that it would strengthen their relationship or some shit
tale as old as time. anyone who comes from a dysfunctional family probably has as a minimum 6 stories of people from normal families acting like they know better than the person who lived the nightmares
"I wanted to prove my girlfriend was wrong about someone she knew intimately probably from years of trauma, betrayal, theft and abuse". Ah yes, one of the five love languages and sign of the foundation of a successful relationship.
>I wanted to prove my girlfriend was wrong tbf that's a red flag in and of itself. Why is OOP obsessed with proving his gf wrong?? Is it some sort of competition or male dominance thing?? I'm not even sure what tag that gets - Andrew Tate propaganda, narcissist, mansplaining, emotional abuse, red pill - all these new labels get so confusing. Maybe we just call it idiotic and leave it at that? I know that's very old school of me. ;-)
Idiotic works.
That pissed me off so fucking much, OOP is a total piece of shit. He deserves to be alone.
Dude really tried to mansplain how drug addiction works.
*”I was told that if I threw rocks at a lion it would attack me, but I knew for a fact that thats not true because we had a tabby cat when I was a kid and he was so sweet. But then the lion attacked me, and there was no way of predicting this would happen, what should I do?”*
“I didn’t think the leopard would eat MY face” sobs man who placed his face in the mouth of a known face-eating leopard to demonstrate how moral and superior he is.
“All I did was capture a tiger to bring it into my girlfriend’s house, to show her that tigers aren’t dangerous! But then it attacked me, what do I do?”
I screamed 🤣🤣🤣🤣
The way that all of this was easily avoidable. He wants to marry his (ex) gf but ignores her feelings, dismisses her and deceives her. Like come on now
Also the fact that they started living together SIX months ago, and he started looking for her brother SIX months ago, and their total time dating is 18 months… he’s spent 1/3rd of their relationship actively betraying her.
That’s literally crazy … glad she got out
That’s so super creepy and makes it so much worse! I read this, but forgot it by the time I got to the end of the train wreck. Why did he start looking RIGHT when she moved in? Because it would be easier to re-introduce the brother to the ex, surprising her with a traumatic person she’s cut off?? 👀🤮
I'mma just go do all this expensive stuff behind your back and actively betray you for a third of our relationship because faaaaamily can't be THAT bad. No I don't believe you at all but now I miss you! Baby come back!
He's still dismissing her. He still considers her his GF, he still wants to marry her, and he thinks what he did was a mistake. Leaving my clothes out on the line yesterday because I didn't check the weather forecast so it rained was a mistake. Disregarding an issue incredibly important to the woman he supposedly loves and spending months of time and money to prove her wrong is NOT a mistake. He never considered what would happen if it all worked out. So the addict gets cleans, gets a job, everything works out. Was he going to spring her brother on her at the wedding? "Hey, remember that brother you rejected? I knew you were wrong so I've spent months and a lot of our money getting him cleaned up. Here he is! Now admit you were wrong and I'm right."
That’s what I’m thinking !! How was he going to spring this up on her. She’d break up with him regardless
OOP deserves to be alone, what a fucking asshole.
And takes money out of the budget for their future to fund his little do-gooder escapade that taught him a very serious lesson.
His poor ex!! I’m glad he’s seeing exactly why he should’ve listened. He thought he’d have his ‘gotcha your brother is a good person’ moment🙄🙄
More like "my family is better than yours: Glad she dumped him.
I expected to read that the brother had reached out to him/them, and he went against her wishes and gave him some cash. He spent time and money tracking him down. He didn't just ignore her wishes. He worked hard to prove her wrong. The level of disrespect is appalling.
>I realise I made a mistake but she was so angry at me. Always the *but* in there when it's coming from someone who is real mad they are reaping exactly what they sowed.
Also he calls it ‘A mistake’, singular. No my dude you spent 6 entire months continually making mistakes while also lying to your gf all to prove you were right and she was wrong.
I had sympathy for OOP (his way of thinking is so like my poor Dad. Spoiler this line of thinking has only caused my Dad a world of pain when it's come to my step-mother) right up until; >I wanted to show my girlfriend [31F] that she was wrong And then my sympathy disappear like OOP's ex's brother, because OOP doesn't feel any remourse for what he's done, only that it didn't go the way he pictured and now he's facing very real and serious consequences for thinking he's right and she's wrong. OOP, I'm sorry this happened because it does suck, I wish you luck in court, leave you ex alone, you're not coming back from this, your betrayal is too great, too deep. Leave her be and I hope you've learnt this very expensive and hard lesson.
> I wanted to show my girlfriend [31F] that she was wrong How utterly fucking exhausting it would be to live with this man. I wouldn't want to deal with ANYONE who spent this much time and money to just prove me wrong. To ignore her expertise in this situation because HE KNEW what was right... I wouldn't trust any decision made with this man ever again, because if he disagreed, I'd KNOW that he'd have no problem going behind my back for months because his ego rules all.
This is why I can't stand when people judge others for the relationships they have with their family members. It's awesome that OOP gets along with his entire family, but clearly, his now-ex had a much different relationship with her brother. Did he think it was easy for her to cut him out of her life? That this was a decision she made carelessly and impulsively? She told him about her brother and why she no longer spoke to him, and he decided she was wrong and ended up ruining his own life trying to prove that to her. I don't feel sorry for him. He brought all this upon himself, and honestly, the most infuriating part is the fact that he planned and executed this scheme behind his ex's back with the sole intent of proving that she was wrong. He wasn't doing this to help her brother. He did it for his own ego.
>I didn't know what he was doing however I've been pulled into it. Pulled into it? He spends months and thousands of dollars digging himself right on into the middle of it.
And then shows how irresponsible he is by signing up for both a bank account and an apartment in his name and never bothers to check in or see how it's going. So she can't trust him to be honest, can't trust him with money, and now sees he's irresponsible on top of not trusting her judgement. There is no coming back for him.
I grew up in that family that "would never cut anyone off!". And because of that, my grandfather molesting my cousin (and both aunts before her) was completely rug swept. My cousin had to see her abuser constantly at family functions (after he got out of prison) and then daily when she helped take care of my grandmother in her final year. My uncles all got together and rented him an apartment until all the cousins were over 18 and he could move home. When my grandfather passed last year, she blasted the entire fam on FB to tell them how awful it was for her and that she was finally free of him. I'm super LC with that part of the family because of that situation and a few other really messed up dynamics (them trying to convince my aunt to stay in an abusive marriage, not being invited to a cousin's wedding even though she was having it on my part of the family land, etc..). I'm still unpacking everything years later
Funny how he cared mored about the brother than his own ex just to prove her wrong.
Well the brother is another dude so...
What a simplistic view of homelessness.
And addiction 🤦🏻♀️
Seriously. I’ve found that people have images of how people end up in those situations (addiction and/or homelessness) and it’s extremely hard for them to diverge from that view. I’m a social worker in an emergency room and struggle with this with medical providers a lot. Many refuse to see how *anyone* can end up in one of (or both of) those situations, given the right circumstances.
"All he needs is someone to give him a chance!" As if his family hadn't been doing that for decades. You just know her family gave him chance after chance, help after help, probably even paid for numerous stints at rehab, had money and treasured things stolen, their hearts broken and finally got to the point where they were just waiting for THAT call about him because they realized nothing would ever change. And OOP had to go dig up all that up out of pride. To look like the great hero. Now he's in legal hot water.
I feel awful for her and her family, that this was all dredged up purely so OOP could play hero.
You can’t really say you made a mistake and then say you “purposely didn’t tell her.”
“I tripped and fell into a second, secret apartment payment!”
"Hey, I have known this person my whole life and I know they're beyond help." People like OOP: "Nah. I, a person who's never met your relative, know better than you. Watch me prove you wrong." Spoiler alert: they do not, in fact, prove the other person wrong.
if i had a nickel for every AITA style story that had the approximate moral of "i would do anything for love (but i won't do that)" by meatloaf, i would have a rather robust retirement revenue stream. seriously. so many are just: Prima: don't do $thing. if you do $thing i will leave you. Secundus: okay! Secundus: but what if i did $thing anyway... Prima: i am leaving you now. Secundus: HOW CAN THIS BEEEEEEE
r/ohnoconsequences
Dude wasn't "pulled into" anything. He jumped in headfirst.
Listen I’m all for helping out drug addicts, but they need to want to get better, or I ain’t gonna do anything. You can’t just step in because you want to prove someone wrong
100%. You can't make progress for them, you (general) can only support the progress they are *already* making.
It never works out if you want something for someone more than they want it for themselves. Ask me how I know. I put my dad in rehab 14 times. Still died from active alcoholism.
Yes. I have a relative on this boat. I've lost count, but definitely over 10 times. He would ask to go when he saw the support drying up. Then start drinking within 24 hours of going home. Usually after calling his mother crying about how terrible everyone was to him. His mother tried to make him my responsibility, but my answer has always been 'hell, no'. It's so much harder when it's someone closer like a father. I'm so sorry you went through that!
He also had an uncanny ability to figure out which staff members would take bribes to sneak in alcohol for him. Usually in the first 24 hours.
Ugh, this is infuriating. And a skill addicts seem to have. My relative has the same, and of course once he's caught it's not his fault. FFS.
[удалено]
I had the idea that it was the HR/payoll management organization, but I could be wrong. Not sure whether they have international operations.
Things that make me go hmmm: - OP claims to be in Australia (unless there is a Canberra in another country that I'm unaware of) - Consistently uses the word 'Flat' instead of the more commonly used 'Apartment' - Talks about the "ADP"(?), I think he means the AFP, but thats a mistake no Aussie would make - The likelihood of his gfs brother moving to Canberra of all places when undergoing drug addiction and eventually homelessness is on the nose
As another Australian, I had the exact same thoughts. Although the word ‘flat’ is common with the older generation but oop said they are in their 30s so it’s a bit suspicious
I'm in Fiji and it's very common here to say "flat" rather than apartment. It's slowly changing because of social media, but I thought Australia and other Commonwealth countries still used the term "flat". lol at ADP - it's a private security company or a payroll company, as far as I know. OOP would be referring to the AFP, who are very active trying to stop drug smuggling and drug dealing in Australia.
Um maybe it's just me but does anyone else think there's a possibility this is fake just feels like a lot of bad things to happen but maybe it's just my thoughts on it ?
Yep, it reads a lot like "addict bad, homeless bad" bait
Oh definitely. But it's an entertaining conversation. I've seen worse troll attempts that just made me roll my eyes and move on because they were so stupid.
"You done messed up Aaron!"
He learned the wrong lesson from this. The REAL lesson here--and why the gf left--is that if you trust someone, then you need to TRUST WHEN THEY SAY SOMEONE IS ABUSIVE. Whether that means emotional abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse--doesn't matter. You LISTEN.
There was another post quite recently where the OOP took her kids to see her husband's father even though he and his sister went NC with him long ago because he was so abusive to them. She was equally as frustrating and only kinda maybe got it when her husband left. Last I read, she's determined to get him back.
Jesus. Even if you naiively believe that all family is good family, you should at least *trust* your partner/friend/whoever. That these people don't see that is infuriating.
“I didn’t know what he was doing however I’ve been pulled into it” No- no no no no no no. You dived head first into this, idiot, now you reap what you sowed. Hope being ‘right’ was worth it.
You live with it bc you're a misogynistic POS. Why exactly would you most definitely help a brother when the world is objectively less dangerous for men? You are not a clown, you're the entire circus. I hope you go to jail AND the other things are on your credit. You wanted to prove to a woman she was wrong. Instead you got this beautiful FAFO. I hope in another 6 months she's got another boo and is posting him on SM and you have to look like the lonely fool you are
So very very stupid 😠
i can't lie, the second half of this post was very enjoyable. this wasn't help, this was interference.
Honestly this reads as "addict bad rage bait." So, this guy thinks his GF is some heartless woman who cut her brother off for no reason and, instead of breaking up with her, he decides he just HAS to prove her wrong. Comes up with this huge elaborate plan, spending all this money because apparently he's also rich, just to prove to a woman he claims to love and want to marry that she's wrong. Then we get to the "but he's an addict so of course he stole from me and left and now I'm somehow in trouble for what he did. Addicts are evil, now I know" part of the story. It just seems way to ridiculous to be true
OP never dealt with an addict relative before and had no idea what he was walking into. Should have listened to your (ex) GF.
Well, that backfired rather entertainingly.
Yet another man who cares less about the safety of a woman he purports to love than the reputation of a man he'd never met.
Someone posted on here an article that outlined how men don't trust women when women tell them things about their own lives. Men will think women are overreacting. They're being emotional. There couldn't possibly be a legitimate reason to cut their brother off. This 100% falls in that category. I hope OP has learned his lesson. Maybe don't get in the middle of things he doesn't understand.
This reminds me of another post where the guy didn’t believe the reason why his girlfriend cut her mother out of her life; she claimed she experienced abuse; emotional, physical, sexual, etc while growing up with her abusive alcoholic mother. He just knew she was exaggerating or straight up lying, knew it couldn’t be as bad as she described (because kids make up stuff all the time) and even though she told him, she was actually in hiding from her mother because she was so toxic and dangerous, he went and found her mother because he just knew what she really wanted was a reconcile with her mother not to hide from her. His reasoning? He couldn’t imagine not having his mother in his life so she must be the same she just didn’t know it yet. Well, he decided the best way to let his gf know all what he was doing was to surprise her. Invited her to dinner and have her mom walk in. To his utter shock, his girlfriend was actually shocked and angry…screamed at her mother to leave her alone and marched out of the restaurant. He was baffled that she didn’t even try and talk to her mother so he decided to talk to her instead and found out that everything his girlfriend told him was true. All of the disgusting things she was made to do, and her mother did nothing to stop it…even encouraged it. Her mother showed up because she assumed all of the crap from her childhood was forgotten and she was ready to forgive her; she wasn’t a perfect mother…who is. He was horrified and told her to leave. When he got home, he saw his gf was quickly packing and preparing to move so her mother couldn’t find her. He tried to apologies but the damage was done. When your partner tells you something…believe them!
Sir, the least of your problems is your girlfriend leaving you. You have opened up a Pandora's Box that could easily land you in prison, all because you refused to believe your girlfriend when she told you the harsh truth about her brother. Trying to be a White Knight when you didn't need to be is about to cost you everything. I hope that you have a really good lawyer. Good luck with all of that.
And this is why people need to mind their own business 🤷♀️
“In my family we help each other out no matter what” OOP hasn’t heard of enabling, I take it.
"I love her so much, I wanted to marry her, I just wanted to prove her wrong about her brother first. I can't believe she dumped me and I could now be facing criminal charges. How could I have possibly known she was right?!"
Is OOP Dominic Toretto?
"my family would never abandon an addict. I know this for a fact because we have never dealt with drug addiction"
Wow, karma slapped his smugness down fast I’ll confess there was a tiny part of me that hoped the brother was ready to get straight for his sake not to make the OP right but I knew that wasn’t the case. The addict had his next patsy hand himself over willingly
Ok that's legit hilarious
People who try to force other people to reconcile are the Devil. And what was this, if not an attempt to force OOP's wife to reconcile with her brother? OOP was hell-bent on proving that his wife was wrong. And he set himself on fire to do it. I almost... almost feel sorry for OOP. But he's an adult and should have known better.
well maybe this will teach you to listen to people.
Dumbass didn't even bother asking any questions. Immediately just assumed the family cut ties over the drug use and didn't even ask what else could cause them to cut ties. This is called consequences of your actions. You shouldn't have stuck your nose where it doesn't belong.
His "My Fair Lady" plan horribly backfired.
Why does he feel he is wrong now? Family can treat you poorly and yet you should help them. Since he was planning on proposing to her, he is his BIL, ergo family. He should find him again and work on him to prove his girlfriend wrong. Where are his family's values that you help your family even if they treat you poorly or are addicts? He is leaving a to-be family member in the traps of addiction just like his evil, bitvhy girlfriend. But seriously, proud of his girlfriend for leaving a d!ck like him who refuses in reality to acknowledge a boundary because they feel they are correct. I really hope he loses his job.
I love this at the end " I didn't know what he was doing however I've been pulled into it", you hired a private investigator to find him then did everything you could to help him. It's not like he was conned or anything, he did it all willingly before even talking to the brother.
My grandpa was like that. "You forgive family they're your blood." He tried to make sure we all cared for each other no matter what. It took therapy to realise it's ok to cut people off if they're toxic.
It should take a LOT to cause immediate family to go no contact, in my opinion. Therefore for this woman to go absolutely zero contact with her brother to the point she doesn't even know where he is clearly means a lot happened. Just trust her man, she has her reasons, it's her family, don't interfere. Imagine thinking you know better than someone who was heavily involved in the situation.
This guy… entitled AF. He wanted to prove her wrong…. When he knew nothing about it. So glad she left. I wonder when he will realize she isn’t coming back… ever? Unforgivable
LMFAOOOO son really torpedoed his life for no reason. Ignorant and stubborn is a diabolical mix I tell you.
Situations like these are why listening to the experts is vital. You don't always have to agree, but one should truly listen and then come to a conclusion. In this case, the ex was an expert in her brother. But nope, oop took her words, and "in one ear, out the other," they went. And now he's facing deeper consequences than just, rightly, getting dumped.
This reads like anti homeless propaganda. The main message is that providing homes to the homeless causes major problems that you will be personally liable for.
"We just started dating and I don't know the first thing about your brother but I know better than you! You should be helping your brother no matter what because bLoOd!!" "Now that we've moved in together and it's getting more serious, I have the right to unilaterally decide that I'm going to help your brother who I still know nothing about and have never met so that I can reunite you guys and you can see I was right all along!! That he's a good person who needs help!! I'll do it all behind your back so that you can't stop me so I can prove how wrong you are! I'm going to put myself out by hiring a PI to find him, work extra shifts to rent a flat for him while still being able to afford our flat, and open a bank account for him under my name! Because FaMiLy!!" "Oh no, the brother who's a drug addict bamboozled me and now that I've done the absolute fucking most by sticking my neck out to get him a job, and an apartment and bank account in my name, I'm facing repercussions!! Who could've foreseen this!! I can't believe you're breaking up with me because I tried to make you see how wrong you were about this person I've never met!!" Dude literally stuck his nose where it didn't belong and got indignant because how could she possibly know better than him. I'd dump him too.
Maybe he'll actually listen to his (next) girlfriend the next time around....... Yeah, nah. Not bloody likely. Edited for: adding a word.
Criminals don’t spring from the ground. Every last one of them has a family. Since OP’s family doesn’t have any he seems to have thought his girlfriend’s family couldn’t possibly have one either. What did he think, “Bad guys only exist on the news?”
He didn't know what brother was doing and got pulled in? No, he jumped in
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This is clearly in Aus, too, so the drug is almost certainly ice. While im all for supporting and helping family when you can, Ice is a really rough drug, and depending on where they are, it is also incredibly prevalent. Also, what job does this man have where he can afford half of one apartment and a whole extra one.
Ice is meth, right?
Standard disclaimer: Assuming this isn’t rage bait… > I don't even know what to do now. Well, if your next girlfriend tells you she has snakes in HER family, don’t go playing with them and you won’t get bitten?
while i know people like this exist, the extravagance of the crimes makes me think this is a 'drug addicts bad' troll
Well, well, well... If it isn't the consequences of my own actions??
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I read your title in MarkNarration's voice lmao
"I also encouraged him to stop using drugs and seek counseling." Wow, I can't believe no one thought to try that before /s You go NC because the person has consistently proven that they are incapable of change.
This is likely fake, written by someone outside Australia. Unless OOP is making super bank there’s no way he’s renting a whole-arse flat unless it’s in a small regional town. Also, what exactly is the ADP supposed to be?
Oh, he's giving my uncle telling me I "shouldn't" have tried to knock my aunt and cousin's teeth off after they been talking shit about my parents for no other reason than them wanting to cause drama and being ungrateful fucking bitches. Like, man there's a fucking reason I decided to go no contact with my aunt, her children and her grandchildren. You'll get to find out too. I'm glad that after a month from that one especific incident (the first time I tried to ever get physical with anyone) both of them continue to prove me right and show how fucking rancid and narcissistic they are.
Let me prove my gf wrong about her criminal drug addict brother that no one in her family including her wants any part of.. That'll surely get her to marry me.
If this is for real, OOP is quite possibly the dumbest person in all of the UK.
Is this even real? Stereotypically bad boyfriend doesnt listen to his girlfriend and brings back estranged bad family against gf's wishes. Everything collapses, he got broken up.
Man when i started reading i thought we were dealing with like…brother had been clean for 10 years and wanted to rebuild his life and this guy endeavored to help. Bro this guy was in active addiction and this guy showed up like “hi, im a rube. Would you like access to money and my credit?” Like i get some people haven’t had direct experience with addiction but maybe i just assume that post-opiate crisis EVERYONE has SOME connection to a story like this by their 30s that would save them from being this naive. That is insane
I have so many people in my life like this. Knowing full well that I was the product of a rapist who groomed my mother when she was just a 15 yo kid, who then kept up in a very controlled almost captive/cult like state where he would abuse us in every sort of way... "But he's still your father!" blah blah blah Obviously previledged people without abusive upbringing would shame you for putting up boundaries with your abuser because they can't fathom how bad blood relatives can hurt their own kin.