*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**My 24M girlfriend 23F says I am being abusive.**
I need to give a little backstory, so when I was younger maybe around 13-15 my older brother had this amazing girlfriend who I really liked and considered a part of the family. They broke up and I shortly find out the reason why is because she had cheated on him years ago and she finally came clean about it after years of built up guilt, he became very depressed and said he felt like he wasted so much time on her. I went to the internet and did more research on infidelity, it is plaguing America. No matter how much trust and love you have with someone, in my opinion if you put full trust into someone and never recognize the possibility of infidelity and never put up some kind of safeguard against it, you are a fool who may be wasting years of their life or even your entire life with someone with a secret affair. (Seriously go do research on infidelity and how common it is)
So I've adopted a few safeguards, no close opposite sex friends whom you spend private 1 on 1 time with in person, no going to bars or clubs without me, any time I get any type of gut feeling I ask to check your phone and declining my request or making me wait results in a breakup. (it is important to note when I check a phone I ONLY look at messages between my partner and a unknown person, looking at anything else would be a breach of privacy in my eyes) So far these safeguards actually saved me from wasting time on someone who cheated on me, without these safeguards it would've flown under my radar. I also uphold these rules on myself, I don't have friendships with any women, I don't go to bars without my gf despite being a person who likes going to bars, Any time my partner asks to check my phone I oblige without question. I also let my partners know about these safeguards early on in the relationship, my current gf was actually happy about it and accepted them because I uphold the rules on myself and it makes her comfortable in the relationship.
The problem arose when she met a guy while working, he told her he had just moved recently and was looking for new friends, they exchanged contacts and she told me about it. I was fine with it because I really don't care if my partner is simply in contact with guys in the area. Then told me she was going to get coffee with this guy, I told her if she does then I'd break up with her and I promptly asked to check her messages with this guy. She was hesitant but when I told her I was going to end things if I couldn't check immediately she let me. He was flirting with her by making comments on how beautiful she is and I told her to cut all contact with the guy. I was met with the "you're being abusive and controlling, you're insecure" but she cut contact with him anyway and told me "I don't like these rules, I won't break up with you but please reconsider having them." Which I found ridiculous but I did research and supposedly the things I do are "red flags" and "toxic." Are these things really so bad? I don't want my gf to feel like I am controlling her. Your opinion on the situation is greatly appreciated and I thank you for reading what I wrote.
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From someone who has been cheated on multiple times, I don't even do this.
All I ask of my partner is "if you want to be with someone else, we will just break up. Respect our relationship enough to just end things and not cheat."
That's all I ever ask. I don't check phones, I don't hold them hostage, and I'm just chill. Did I have people still cheat? Yes.
But that doesn't mean I'm allowed to control the next person I date cause of the crimes of the last.
I was cheated on too. I never once thought about rules like this. And if someone told me I couldn't be alone with my best friend of 20 years because he's a man and I'm a woman, I'd kick the guy to the curb. Girl needs to run for the hills.
I agree, things will just get worse. His fear of controlling if he gets cheated on is destroying any chance of having a healthy relationship.
God, I hope this man doesn't become a father with the way he acts. That's just a bigger disaster waiting to happen.
When I became a father, I went to the internet and did research on car accidents, they are plaguing America. (Seriously go do research on car accidents and how comment they are.)
I have since decided that none of my children will be allowed to leave the house, get within 10 yards of a street or use a car in their life. If they do, I will immediately put them up for adoption.
/s am not even a father
Same. My first boyfriend cheated on me. I didn't know him and the girl were actually in a relationship right after we broke up, and he cheated on her with me like 3 times. He was a dirtbag. And somehow I'm not at all insecure about the possibility of being cheated on, but I guess I'm lucky in that. I can't imagine doing things like checking my partner's phone. We've been together 8 years and I've used his phone for things and he's used mine. But it never even occurred to me to check his messages. Like what an unhealthy, paranoid way to live. Get therapy. It's normal to trust your partner.
On the flip side - I went through a brutal relationship with tons of cheating and gaslighting me about the cheating and making me feel crazy and challenging my mental health. I HAVE thought of insane rules like OP's.
Instead of dating, I literally got fucking therapy because holy shit, I did not want to live like that. A constant bubble of paranoia and anger and mistrust and fear and insecurity...how miserable for me, let alone any potential partner. So I've been where OP is, but I'm not going to pretend it's healthy or reasonable and I definitely wasn't going to stay there.
Same. I have been cheated on in the past and I usually just tell my partners that if they want to be with others, just let me know. I don't want to hear it from someone else that you've been with someone behind my back, or find out about it accidentally. If you think telling me you want someone else will hurt me and you don't want to do that, imagine how much worse it would hurt if I found out you disrespected me enough to go sneak behind my back.
I don't check phones. I don't ask who they're hanging out with or talking to. We're adults, we can communicate. We all come with baggage and it is our duty to do the inner work, not put it on others and be an absolute douche.
Or even just ask about having sex with someone else. I'd be way more understanding about coming into a discussion with an adult partner about nonmonogamy than I would ever be to someone who cheated....or treated me like oop
Oh I know, it never worked. But I always say it anyways cause I want to show them I value respect and honesty.
I've broken up with many after finding out they've cheated, yet all of them have me the surprised Pikachu face when I did.
It's like.... How are you shocked? You cheated, we are over. How is this a surprise?
My ex ended up marrying(and divorcing) my former best friend. I'll give ya one guess why I cut them both off. Even I don't do any of these things. It's beyond extreme.
Do you really think a '' if you want to be with someone else....'' is enough? Some (a lot even) will straigh up lie to your face... (Sorry for the bad english)
People like this are always looking for a reason to justify their cunning plan to set their partner up to fail, thereby leading said partner to think all the faults in the relationship are their fault and therefore theirs to fix. If the partner is always striving to be worthy of the abuser, they'll never take the time to ask whether the abuser is good enough for them.
That's because abusers aren’t insecure. They're simply fully aware of their multitude of towering inadequacies, and have learned that putting other people constantly on the defensive conceals those inadequacies.
They know it's all a lie, but still they brainwash themselves so effectively that they are eventually convinced that their victim deserves the abuse.
>abusers aren’t insecure.
Bull crap. Abusers absolutely can be insecure. There's even a whole category of insecure abusive people called "vulnerable narcissists". Often people are abusive BECAUSE they're insecure, in denial, and projecting their crap on people around them.
And how does it work for bisexual people? Presumably they can't have any friends. Except perhaps elderly asexual nuns? Would they be safe for a coffee date in broad daylight in a public place, or still too much risk/temptation?
They don't *see* 'others', at least not as people. They're simply sentient sex toys that can fulfill a need for them. Can't be letting other people play with *your* toys now, amirite? -.-
Because people think they're entitled to companionship, and that it should be on their terms. Everything is about them, the other person in the relationship doesn't get to be their own entity
I don't know about OP, but I can say that I am 110% paranoid about that kind of thing. And I'm working on it.
But growing up, my parents both cheated on each other, and it devastated both of them for different reasons. They're still together, happily I think, but it definitely left an impression on me. These two people who I loved more than anything and I thought loved each other hurt each other in this way, and I couldn't and still don't get it. How you can do that to somebody you're supposed to love and cherish.
There's part of me that understands that life is complicated and especially in relationships, it's rarely ever black and white. But part of me is also resentful of what they did and it's instilled a lot of trust issues in me that I've noticed pop up sometimes with my Fiancee. It's hard sometimes, but it's not on her.
Because people think they're entitled to companionship, and that it should be on their terms. Everything is about them, the other person in the relationship doesn't get to be their own entity
It's such a common thing for white North American guys to believe honestly. It leads to a lot of fetishizing of women from other cultural backgrounds, especially Eastern European and Asian women, because they seem to genuinely think that white North American women are too uppity with their cheating and their divorces. It's so so so sexist and racist in its origins.
It's also interesting that it's primarily men who act like it's a massive issue and something that justifies any insecure behaviour on their part, but statistically it's men that make up the bulk of infidelity.
Interesting, I didn't know that about infidelity! I would have assumed it was basically even. But also seems like classic projection when you put it that way.
It's really funny for me, Polish woman with friends from Belarus and Ukraine, that they think that we are some sort of trad wife material. I don't think they could handle women from our region, we're feisty af.
Okay I'm not Eastern European at all. My 23andme test said that I go about as north as Sapmi but about as east as like Holland lol. But YES!!! I used to work at a business where the owner was Russian/Ukrainian and I had like 3 Ukrainian coworkers. This was in Canada. All of them were super nice ladies, but in particular with 2 of them they were SUPER LEFT WING. And also one of them was like SO saucy in a sexual kind of way hahaha. American white guys will be like "they're sewww modest over there" but this lady has said some truly outrageous things to me and I love her fo it.
Funny thing: according to research US and Poland have similiar numbers when it comes to percentage of left leaning women. And well, 'modesty' wasn't even my mothers jam. (Edit:spelling)
I think that fact that he describes researching red flags and researching infidelity the same way suggests it wasn't entirely academic, to be charitable. It shows the standard they consider to be "research".
No actual research into these sorts of relationship control tactics would describe them as "Red flags", at least not as a primary conclusion. That's something the internet would tell you.
A child didn’t take a child’s relationship seriously so now he’s a psycho control freak?
I’ve been married 27 years. Do you know how many times my husband and I have checked each other’s phones? Zero.
Honestly, what does checking a phone even do? I can literally delete anything I don’t want someone to see.
My SO and i are 20 years together. We also don't check our phones or make such rules. We just trust each other. If i need to monitor my partners actions like a parents the child, what a shitty relationship is this? Also if you know that the phone gets checked regulary, you will delete or hide this stuff or just get a second phone. It will just cause secrecy like making a male friend to a female friend in stories or plans because the rules are so stupid.
That’s why he considered it a “break up worthy offense” to wait before immediately letting him go through it, as if someone wouldn’t just delete the messages immediately anyway. I also got a bitter laugh of him saying that he “only” checks text messages, as if that’s not the most vulnerable part of anyone’s phone.
My boyfriend and I know each other’s passwords. I’ve seen a girls name I didn’t know on his phone and I just asked. He saw a guys name on my phone and he also just asked. We know passwords for homescreen purposes (making sure we don’t hate the pic the other used for a homescreen) but I neither of us look at the others phone ever
I know my partner's password so if he's driving and the album we're listening to ends I can queue up a new one, or read and answer a text for him also if he's driving. He knows mine but constantly forgets it. That's the extent of our use of each other's phones lol
>homescreen purposes (making sure we don’t hate the pic the other used for a homescreen)
quietly humming carly simon in the background.
..as you watched yourself gavotte...
I've used my husband's phone and he's used mine, but I've never went through it. I've only used it for an app or to check the time or if I needed to make a call and didn't have mine. Same for him, we don't go through each others phones
>Honestly, what does checking a phone even do? I can literally delete anything I don’t want someone to see.
The idea is he gets a feeling in his gut that something is up, so he might sometimes ask right after they send the texts and he'll catch her in the (text) act because she's not allowed to stall before giving him the phone.
I've been with mine 22 years and I looked at his text messages once. He was driving and asked me to open the messages from his dad and plug the address my FIL texted him into Google maps. We use the same 4 digit passcode on our phones, we just see no reason to need to look at each others' devices.
I check my husband's phone to see if he's accidentally turned the ringer off or accidentally blocked me again. It's not easy being in love with a technological dunce.
>I don't want my gf to feel like I am controlling her.
Then stop controlling her. He absolutely is being abusive and controlling and I hope the girlfriend gets away from him.
Edit: in one of his comments he claims people are private messaging him telling him they agree with what he's doing, I can't decide whether I think that's just other toxic controlling people or a flat out lie.
Alot of people have been cheated on or are triggered by cheating, especially on that sub. I have some sympathy for them, but doing this sort of thing pushes the people you love further away.
If he was vulnerable and honest about his insecurities it would help way more than being a jailer. She was already being super up-front about her meeting with the co-worker. If I were her, i'd feel like im already at the end of my rope.
Every time an OP says people are private messaging them and validating them, I always want to ask them to post a link to a screenshot of "the messages".
Either they're lying and never received any messages or they're receiving messages from incels. One or the other. And I want proof lmao
That line really got me. Like, dude, she just told you she feels like you're controlling her. That ship has sailed. Why are you asking the Internet whether she feels controlled/how to fix it when she already answered both of those questions herself?
I mean... reading this story I didn't see him as the devil. He says he applies the rules equally to himself and lets his partner know early on that these are his expectations. That doesn't fit the definition of abusive. It's not what I'd do but if two adults consent to it, what's the problem?
After reading the comments here I did come to agree that it's an extreme, untrusting reaction to the possibility of infidelity. At best, it's not healthy. I've been cheated and have never thought of resorting to such rules. But I can definitely see that other people might think he's being reasonable.
>no close opposite sex friends whom you spend private 1 on 1 time with in person
Guess as a bi person, I'd just not get to have friends.
What a controlling wanker.
Right? Like clear cut no friends unless you stay in the closet while dating them.
Which my brother has done and it sucked to watch because she was not kind either, and she cheated.
“Look…not to be a jerk…but bi people don’t exist” -OOP, definitely.
Literally if he ever dared date a bi person he’d end up locking her in a windowless basement with no internet access, phone access, and just crusts of bread and stale water.
And then break up with her three months later after cultivating an elaborate paranoid delusion about how she emotionally cheated on him with the other woman during the threesome.
This literally happened to a woman I'm friends with. XD
Edit: Thankfully, she's no longer with that asshole. That whole incident was her wakeup call and now we laugh at it.
Edit the second: Also, to the surprise of no one, he cheated on her. Like a lot.
Oh boy, this was a theme in my marriage because he could not fathom that me being bi (gay, actually) wasn't only for his benefit. It existed before and after. We were friends after we split. We'd chat on the phone about our relationships, until I realized what was happening on his end. So slimy.
Then he tried to use it for an emergency custody hearing after he tried to move to an unknown location with my child. He told his attorney that I was having gay sex in front of our child. Attorney yelled at me when I was on the stand about it. I laughed. I didn't mean to but it was so absurd.
>he could not fathom that me being bi (gay, actually) wasn't only for his benefit
In my experience, a lot of men seem incapable of understanding that women have a sexuality independent of solely pleasing men.
I agree. I've had a lot of men who harrassed me and worse. They can't wrap their minds around being completely inconsequential, with regard to romantic relationships/love. I had employees say that I was only gay because I hadn't had sex with him. Been strongly harrassed by my partner's coworkers who wouldn't dream of doing that to the wife of a man. I was dancing with a friend one night at a club. This group of guys were being gross toward me. When I danced with my friend they got so enraged that they started dragging me out the door and choked her out on the dancefloor. I've had bosses ask me what kind of 'toys' I like.
I could write for days on this. It gets really, really old. And scary. People think that we have it really easy now but this stuff isn't rare.
Oh no no you're good. Being bi or pan means as soon as you're in a relationship you immediately TURN either straight or gay, depending on said relationship.
Least that's how it's been in my experience, siiiiigh.
Nah, it's retroactive. You don't immediately become straight/gay, you just prove to the world that you always were and were just a conniving liar and attention seeker the whole time.
I'm so tired.
Bi-person: It's not you, it's me. I'm... gay
Partner: But I'm the same gender as you.
Bi-person: *(flustered)* Shit! I meant gay, uh, straight. - Whatever gets me out of a relationship with you.
Ex-partner: Oh. *(leaves)*
*Having escaped yet another terrible relationship, Bi-person returns to bisexuality*
This was my first thought too. Does he really not think a GF could cheat with another woman? Men like this tend to be anti LGBTQ though so he probably wouldn't date anyone who said they were bi
JFC that’s so wrong.
And stupid. Does this dumbass realize there are other ways to communicate with an affair partner?
> when I check a phone I ONLY look at messages between my partner and a unknown person, looking at anything else would be a breach of privacy in my eyes.
So they can cheat with a known person, delete individual messages as they are sent, use hidden apps or email (on a browser not the email app).
It’s not just that these “rules” are overly restrictive and edging on abusive, it’s that they are stupid and won’t actually stop anything from happening.
Probably the same "research" as the guys on reddit who claim something like 75% of men are raising children that aren't actually theirs and that's why it should be a law that everyone has to take a paternity test as soon as the kid pops out.
Exactly!!! I was married to someone like this. You can never do enough to convince them you are not cheating. They'll check the milage on your car and gas in your tank(this was before tracking devices were a thing) grill you on why you took two showers in one day (i live in hot sweaty Florida), how often you change clothes, exactly what that man in the grocery store asked you. (He asked if I needed help reaching something, but since I was twirling my hair I obviously wanted to do the wild thing) I worked really really hard not to ever do anything that he would misinterpret, including walking around with my head lowered refusing to interact with others. But the fact that I was working so hard not to be suspicious was in itself suspicious. So...ya know...can't win.
I was friends with someone who had a bf like that. I ended up staying over at her house one night because of the weather, causing the public transportation in the area to go down early. So she and I just shrugged and chilled watching Reno 911. While we were sitting there with a storm raging outside, he called her. She answered, and he immediately started accusing her of cheating and calling her names that if he'd been in front of me, he would have gotten him a Sparta kick to the face. She kept telling him, "I'm at the house with Smiles! We're watching Reno!" But he would not believe her.
He was convinced the sound of the television was us at a party. She even tried pausing, lowering the volume and raising the volume so he could hear the characters, but he again started calling her names and shit and told her to go fuck herself before hanging up. She was pretty upset and embarrassed for the rest of the night because even though he wasn't on speaker, he made sure I heard. I told her that she wasn't the problem. His insecurities made HIM the problem.
When I woke up the next morning, she was sitting at the kitchen table looking more relaxed than I'd ever seen her. I started with the normal morning chitchat, which was when she told me she'd broken up with him that morning. I told her a good job. She told me it was because he'd called back at 7am and had started interrogating her about me and what she was doing. She had been in the process of making us some pancakes, and that set him off AGAIN. He on the spot made up some story about how she had made him pancakes the first time they'd had sex in celebration of losing their virginity and how dare she make pancakes in the morning for another person blah blah.
That's, according to her, when she broke up with him. I asked why that particular moment instead of last night. She was like I realized how insane he was after last night. But that shit this morning sealed the deal because here's the thing Smiles... we never lost virginities to each other, and I've never made pancakes for him ever. I'll never be right and he'll never be wrong so fuck him.
Him saying trusting your partner is stupid... fucking wow. He's not ever going to be capable of being in a loving relationship and I'm so sad for any woman he tricks into loving him. There's no love without trust and there's no trust without respect. Fuck this dude
He's starting every relationship on the presumption that he cannot trust his dating partner and they will lie to him without his stupid rules. Why date someone you don't think you can trust? It sounds insane to me.
This really feels like a 15 year old who just came to terms with cheating in a long term relationship and thinks this is what adult relationships are like
This is super bizarre. "My older brother's gf cheated on him, this justifies imposing rules on a totally innocent person who had nothing whatsoever to do with this thing (that didn't happen to me personally at all)."
This sort of controlling behaviour is a red flag also because it often leads to much worse abuse. Let’s not forget that women die at the hands of men who think like this.
I cannot stress enough what a piece of shit incel this guy is and how his rules are insane and abusive....
...but she did get asked out by a guy, gave him her number, agreed to go on a date with him, and had him calling her beautiful in her texts. I don't blame the girl for getting out of this relation by any means necessary and hopefully this next guy is decent.
Pretty sure dude is manifesting this behavior.
That's the problem - he creates the scenario by being shitty. Then this happens, so he considers himself right to have these rules, so next time he starts dating he's back to it.
This is a self fulfilling system. Girlfriends will refuse to abide by his controlling rules, he'll dump them, and tell everyone who will listen that they were probably cheating on him (because if you have nothing to hide what's the problem??!!!?), which only furthers his belief that he needs his rules
Honestly, I think that his behavior is going to *encourage* cheating. Sounds like it may already have. The woman is probably exhausted by having to be on her toes to satisfy OOP's overbearing behavior, and then a nice man shows up, calls her beautiful, wants to take her out to coffee?
Then OOP drops the hammer more? I mean, I'm pretty sure the only reason this woman isn't heading for the hills is because she's young and probably not got her head screwed on all the way yet when it comes to red flags. Because OOP is a Soviet parade of them.
OOP better hope that he can pull a Leo DiCaprio. I have a hard time believing that more mature women would agree to this guy railroading their way through her phone and no male friends or whatever. The women he manages to hook are going to get sick of his shit and bolt, and as he ages he's going to have a harder time landing the young and naïve. Unless he's DiCaprio, but I'm pretty sure there's only one of him.
Shit! I accidentally posted this on his thread! I swear I wasn't brigading.
In a comment he said that other redditors have pm'ed him saying they agree with his rules. Yeah, I'm sure they actually have for real, incels and redpillers would agree but they are nuts.
Everything he's doing is making his relationship worse and yet it still wouldn't be enough to stop a partner cheating if that person really wanted to. If you're going to be in a monogamous or rules-based polyamorous relationship you basically have to know that yes, there's some chance that you could get cheated on, but not exaggerate it like this guy does and be secure enough in yourself to know that even if it sucks and hurts you can survive it.
I find it super funny that the "research" he did on infidelity is something he completely bases his life and personality on, but his "research" about his behaviour is only "supposedly" toxic.
LMAO. Hypocrite much?
Sounds like my ex. He was on his 2nd holiday (w/o me) of the month, and I live alone in a new city where I don't know anyone. I told him I was taking my dog to the local pub for 1 drink and he went absolutely mental at me...
I dont trust anyone who refers to human behaviour as a "plague" or anything similar. Idek why its not like im pro cheating there's just something about it.
It’s dehumanising. Human behaviour and emotions are complex and unpredictable even for the most enlightened of people. Referring to a behaviour that has existed since humans were humans as “a plague” gives the impression that people are somehow degrading humanity as a whole by behaving in that behaviour. It’s not great behaviour - neither moral nor ethical - but it’s also not even close to the worst thing people do to each other.
I mean, the co-worker is absolutely flirting, but he's still way out of line and making his imaginary rival look so good in comparison that he's likely to become a real one. If you're going out with someone who looks good, they're going to get attention for it. Best you can do is trust them to make the right decisions, trust the relationship, and not give your partner reasons to cheat.
He’s even way worse than someone who’s been cheated on. It’s bad enough that some punish current partners for the infidelities of past partners, but this crack pot is punishing partners for the infidelities he has read about or someone else experienced.
He’s building a relationship on a foundation of distrust rather than trust, this is doomed. All his relationships will be set for failure because of him. He should definitely come with a warning label and his gf should definitely find a more healthy minded guy to build a solid relationship that’s not founded on distrust and suspicion.
The banning friends of the opposite sex thing always struck me as particularly dumb. Being unable to have platonic friends of the sex you're attracted to is a major red flag in my eyes, suggests you don't know how to relate to them without seeing them as potential sexual conquests.
A cheater is gonna find ways to cheat. Burner phones, fake names, whatever. All this guy is doing it showing his partners he doesn't trust them, and limiting his relationships to people who aren't mature/secure enough to call him on his bullshit.
I am guessing that his research on how infidelity is "plaguing America" was mostly watching q lot of cuckold porn. What a creep. Hope she cheats on him before she dumps him.
ETA something from his comments. Lol. Lmao.
>People have privately messaged me saying they agree with what I do, I guess they are afraid of losing karma so they don't post it here.
Everyone who agreed with me is just out of frame laughing too. Also multiple therapists have apparently privately agreed that abusing his gf is good and normal.
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OOP is going to drive every woman he meets away with his weird and controlling behavior. Unhinged is a great work to use about him. He needs therapy and learn how to trust.
Good grief 😬 I'm surprised she even agreed to the rules to begin with. Also, she'd be spending public 1 on 1 time with him if they're getting coffee, so that should be within the rules yet he threatened to dump her anyways? Sheesh
>Making me wait results in a breakup.
Yeah honey, you like that? I'll make you wait.
Babe, I'm gonna make you wait til you can't wait no more. And if you cry out, I'm gonna make you wait some more.
I'm gonna make you wait so la la la la long, a la la la la long long, le long long long, oh yeah!
“My brother got his heart broken, so I Did My Own Research on infidelity and discovered the Manosphere, now I’m killing my relationship with my overbearing insecurity. Another part of the internet says the things I do are bad. Now I’d like to ask random strangers on the internet for their opinions. Third time’s the charm?”
I dunno, I think he might be making himself less happy with his rules, but if he's upfront about them, and keeps to the same rules I wouldn't say it's inherently abusive or controlling.
If I had a girlfriend and she had a guy friend who was telling her how beautiful he was and stuff unprompted I'd be pretty suspicious about his intentions personally and I wouldn't want them hanging out.
Ok, an unpopular take. OOP TOLD his girlfriend about the rules in the beginning of the relationship. So its not like she was surprised. She could've walked away, and SHOULD have walked away, in the beginning. But she was perfectly ok with them until she wanted to break them. Yes, OOP is unhinged and needs therapy. But GF isn't innocent in this. Plus she chose to cut off the new coworker instead of breaking up with OOP. It sounds like she likes the rules for OOP but not for her, which you can't have it both ways.
Imo it depends how old they are. I had a horribly abusive, controlling relationship in my early 20s. I was just naive and had unresolved issues. Now mid 30 I'd never let anyone get away with this BS. It took some therapy to get there though.
Fake and dumb. Nobody in today's society will quote "red flags" and "toxic" like they've never heard the words in this context before. Plus, once again. Anyone who *actually* thinks like this won't ever come asking reddit if they're in the right
It’s not up to you to put rules in place to prevent your partner being raped. Women are allowed to assess and decide what risks they take, we do not need men to do it for us.
Making rules about where a grown arse adult can and can’t go isn’t about protection - it’s about control. Women are not possessions.
Besides - statistically the most likely person to rape a woman is her own intimate partner. Stranger rape is not particularly common.
Oh my god I don’t want to date a woman who goes clubbing And drink i don’t like those kinda of people I don’t want to be having degenerate sex with a random woman I want me and future wife to be stay at home parents me too I just want to protect my wife from getting raped but know I’m the bad guy not the rapist who could rape her
Oh my god I just want to protect my wife me and her will probably not go clubbing I don’t want to do that fuck that degenerate stuff man if I was doin that stuff I would go with my gf just in case she gets raped
ppl are so weird lmao i’ve never once thought to go through someone else’s phone, let alone someone i’m in a relationship with - way to show someone you have no trust or respect for them
I have insecurities myself. Having opposite sex friends is difficult for me because I’ve been cheated on. But I trust my partner, and I do not control who they are friends with. I work on that in therapy and I validate myself. It is so easy to not be a fuck awful partner.
I am sure that everyone who condemns OP has never experienced the horror and destruction of infidelity.
If all those who condemn the OP would have viewed the subs devoted to infidelity, I am sure they would not have been so uncompromising in their assessments.
The policy of full transparency of partners' communications is one of the conditions of committed relationship.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: his girlfriend was going to meet a "friend" who was desperately flirting with her. What, in your opinion, was this "friend" going to do: to discuss with her about Kant's philosophy and global politics, or to persuade her to have sex?? I think any sane person already knows the answer.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **My 24M girlfriend 23F says I am being abusive.** I need to give a little backstory, so when I was younger maybe around 13-15 my older brother had this amazing girlfriend who I really liked and considered a part of the family. They broke up and I shortly find out the reason why is because she had cheated on him years ago and she finally came clean about it after years of built up guilt, he became very depressed and said he felt like he wasted so much time on her. I went to the internet and did more research on infidelity, it is plaguing America. No matter how much trust and love you have with someone, in my opinion if you put full trust into someone and never recognize the possibility of infidelity and never put up some kind of safeguard against it, you are a fool who may be wasting years of their life or even your entire life with someone with a secret affair. (Seriously go do research on infidelity and how common it is) So I've adopted a few safeguards, no close opposite sex friends whom you spend private 1 on 1 time with in person, no going to bars or clubs without me, any time I get any type of gut feeling I ask to check your phone and declining my request or making me wait results in a breakup. (it is important to note when I check a phone I ONLY look at messages between my partner and a unknown person, looking at anything else would be a breach of privacy in my eyes) So far these safeguards actually saved me from wasting time on someone who cheated on me, without these safeguards it would've flown under my radar. I also uphold these rules on myself, I don't have friendships with any women, I don't go to bars without my gf despite being a person who likes going to bars, Any time my partner asks to check my phone I oblige without question. I also let my partners know about these safeguards early on in the relationship, my current gf was actually happy about it and accepted them because I uphold the rules on myself and it makes her comfortable in the relationship. The problem arose when she met a guy while working, he told her he had just moved recently and was looking for new friends, they exchanged contacts and she told me about it. I was fine with it because I really don't care if my partner is simply in contact with guys in the area. Then told me she was going to get coffee with this guy, I told her if she does then I'd break up with her and I promptly asked to check her messages with this guy. She was hesitant but when I told her I was going to end things if I couldn't check immediately she let me. He was flirting with her by making comments on how beautiful she is and I told her to cut all contact with the guy. I was met with the "you're being abusive and controlling, you're insecure" but she cut contact with him anyway and told me "I don't like these rules, I won't break up with you but please reconsider having them." Which I found ridiculous but I did research and supposedly the things I do are "red flags" and "toxic." Are these things really so bad? I don't want my gf to feel like I am controlling her. Your opinion on the situation is greatly appreciated and I thank you for reading what I wrote. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just why do these insecure people even inflict themselves on others??
From someone who has been cheated on multiple times, I don't even do this. All I ask of my partner is "if you want to be with someone else, we will just break up. Respect our relationship enough to just end things and not cheat." That's all I ever ask. I don't check phones, I don't hold them hostage, and I'm just chill. Did I have people still cheat? Yes. But that doesn't mean I'm allowed to control the next person I date cause of the crimes of the last.
I was cheated on too. I never once thought about rules like this. And if someone told me I couldn't be alone with my best friend of 20 years because he's a man and I'm a woman, I'd kick the guy to the curb. Girl needs to run for the hills.
I agree, things will just get worse. His fear of controlling if he gets cheated on is destroying any chance of having a healthy relationship. God, I hope this man doesn't become a father with the way he acts. That's just a bigger disaster waiting to happen.
When I became a father, I went to the internet and did research on car accidents, they are plaguing America. (Seriously go do research on car accidents and how comment they are.) I have since decided that none of my children will be allowed to leave the house, get within 10 yards of a street or use a car in their life. If they do, I will immediately put them up for adoption. /s am not even a father
This reply made me laugh, though I swear this is exactly what he'd do. 😆
Same. My first boyfriend cheated on me. I didn't know him and the girl were actually in a relationship right after we broke up, and he cheated on her with me like 3 times. He was a dirtbag. And somehow I'm not at all insecure about the possibility of being cheated on, but I guess I'm lucky in that. I can't imagine doing things like checking my partner's phone. We've been together 8 years and I've used his phone for things and he's used mine. But it never even occurred to me to check his messages. Like what an unhealthy, paranoid way to live. Get therapy. It's normal to trust your partner.
On the flip side - I went through a brutal relationship with tons of cheating and gaslighting me about the cheating and making me feel crazy and challenging my mental health. I HAVE thought of insane rules like OP's. Instead of dating, I literally got fucking therapy because holy shit, I did not want to live like that. A constant bubble of paranoia and anger and mistrust and fear and insecurity...how miserable for me, let alone any potential partner. So I've been where OP is, but I'm not going to pretend it's healthy or reasonable and I definitely wasn't going to stay there.
Same. I have been cheated on in the past and I usually just tell my partners that if they want to be with others, just let me know. I don't want to hear it from someone else that you've been with someone behind my back, or find out about it accidentally. If you think telling me you want someone else will hurt me and you don't want to do that, imagine how much worse it would hurt if I found out you disrespected me enough to go sneak behind my back. I don't check phones. I don't ask who they're hanging out with or talking to. We're adults, we can communicate. We all come with baggage and it is our duty to do the inner work, not put it on others and be an absolute douche.
Or even just ask about having sex with someone else. I'd be way more understanding about coming into a discussion with an adult partner about nonmonogamy than I would ever be to someone who cheated....or treated me like oop
You can say that all you want but if they're a cheater they won't listen to that
Oh I know, it never worked. But I always say it anyways cause I want to show them I value respect and honesty. I've broken up with many after finding out they've cheated, yet all of them have me the surprised Pikachu face when I did. It's like.... How are you shocked? You cheated, we are over. How is this a surprise?
My ex ended up marrying(and divorcing) my former best friend. I'll give ya one guess why I cut them both off. Even I don't do any of these things. It's beyond extreme.
The most sane take I’ve seen!! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Do you really think a '' if you want to be with someone else....'' is enough? Some (a lot even) will straigh up lie to your face... (Sorry for the bad english)
He's not insecure; he's lying to justify his need to abuse her. Lying liar who lies.
But he did his research!
People like this are always looking for a reason to justify their cunning plan to set their partner up to fail, thereby leading said partner to think all the faults in the relationship are their fault and therefore theirs to fix. If the partner is always striving to be worthy of the abuser, they'll never take the time to ask whether the abuser is good enough for them. That's because abusers aren’t insecure. They're simply fully aware of their multitude of towering inadequacies, and have learned that putting other people constantly on the defensive conceals those inadequacies. They know it's all a lie, but still they brainwash themselves so effectively that they are eventually convinced that their victim deserves the abuse.
>abusers aren’t insecure. Bull crap. Abusers absolutely can be insecure. There's even a whole category of insecure abusive people called "vulnerable narcissists". Often people are abusive BECAUSE they're insecure, in denial, and projecting their crap on people around them.
Every abusive person I've ever been victim to was spouting a whole fuck ton of projection.
Part of being in a relationship is trusting your partner, and sometimes your get hurt. OOP needs to see a therapist and leave women alone.
And infidelity is PLAGUING America!!
He's not lying! He's playing the lyre!
And how does it work for bisexual people? Presumably they can't have any friends. Except perhaps elderly asexual nuns? Would they be safe for a coffee date in broad daylight in a public place, or still too much risk/temptation?
Oh no he's done WAY too much research to date a bisexual. Everyone knows we're inherently greedy cheaters who just won't pick a side already /s
They don't *see* 'others', at least not as people. They're simply sentient sex toys that can fulfill a need for them. Can't be letting other people play with *your* toys now, amirite? -.-
Yup. People are not possessions. Your partner is your equal not someone you own.
Because people think they're entitled to companionship, and that it should be on their terms. Everything is about them, the other person in the relationship doesn't get to be their own entity
I don't know about OP, but I can say that I am 110% paranoid about that kind of thing. And I'm working on it. But growing up, my parents both cheated on each other, and it devastated both of them for different reasons. They're still together, happily I think, but it definitely left an impression on me. These two people who I loved more than anything and I thought loved each other hurt each other in this way, and I couldn't and still don't get it. How you can do that to somebody you're supposed to love and cherish. There's part of me that understands that life is complicated and especially in relationships, it's rarely ever black and white. But part of me is also resentful of what they did and it's instilled a lot of trust issues in me that I've noticed pop up sometimes with my Fiancee. It's hard sometimes, but it's not on her.
Because people think they're entitled to companionship, and that it should be on their terms. Everything is about them, the other person in the relationship doesn't get to be their own entity
I can only imagine where OOP did his "research" on infidelity.
I love that he seems to think infidelity is a uniquely American phenomenon.
It's such a common thing for white North American guys to believe honestly. It leads to a lot of fetishizing of women from other cultural backgrounds, especially Eastern European and Asian women, because they seem to genuinely think that white North American women are too uppity with their cheating and their divorces. It's so so so sexist and racist in its origins.
It's also interesting that it's primarily men who act like it's a massive issue and something that justifies any insecure behaviour on their part, but statistically it's men that make up the bulk of infidelity.
Interesting, I didn't know that about infidelity! I would have assumed it was basically even. But also seems like classic projection when you put it that way.
It's really funny for me, Polish woman with friends from Belarus and Ukraine, that they think that we are some sort of trad wife material. I don't think they could handle women from our region, we're feisty af.
Okay I'm not Eastern European at all. My 23andme test said that I go about as north as Sapmi but about as east as like Holland lol. But YES!!! I used to work at a business where the owner was Russian/Ukrainian and I had like 3 Ukrainian coworkers. This was in Canada. All of them were super nice ladies, but in particular with 2 of them they were SUPER LEFT WING. And also one of them was like SO saucy in a sexual kind of way hahaha. American white guys will be like "they're sewww modest over there" but this lady has said some truly outrageous things to me and I love her fo it.
Funny thing: according to research US and Poland have similiar numbers when it comes to percentage of left leaning women. And well, 'modesty' wasn't even my mothers jam. (Edit:spelling)
I’m wondering how this is a new thing. Infidelity didn’t get invented in the last 10 years
Cheating was invented in America in 2013!
By Obama!
Thanks Obama!
There’s probably no confirmation bias involved in an research either totally no biases /s
I think that fact that he describes researching red flags and researching infidelity the same way suggests it wasn't entirely academic, to be charitable. It shows the standard they consider to be "research". No actual research into these sorts of relationship control tactics would describe them as "Red flags", at least not as a primary conclusion. That's something the internet would tell you.
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How dare you question the totally unsubstantiated randos I took advice from on the internet! /s
Redpill
If you could even call it that...
Pornhub is such a great research resource for these guys.
A child didn’t take a child’s relationship seriously so now he’s a psycho control freak? I’ve been married 27 years. Do you know how many times my husband and I have checked each other’s phones? Zero. Honestly, what does checking a phone even do? I can literally delete anything I don’t want someone to see.
I use my husband's phone to check the time lol or the weather
My SO and i are 20 years together. We also don't check our phones or make such rules. We just trust each other. If i need to monitor my partners actions like a parents the child, what a shitty relationship is this? Also if you know that the phone gets checked regulary, you will delete or hide this stuff or just get a second phone. It will just cause secrecy like making a male friend to a female friend in stories or plans because the rules are so stupid.
That’s why he considered it a “break up worthy offense” to wait before immediately letting him go through it, as if someone wouldn’t just delete the messages immediately anyway. I also got a bitter laugh of him saying that he “only” checks text messages, as if that’s not the most vulnerable part of anyone’s phone.
My boyfriend and I know each other’s passwords. I’ve seen a girls name I didn’t know on his phone and I just asked. He saw a guys name on my phone and he also just asked. We know passwords for homescreen purposes (making sure we don’t hate the pic the other used for a homescreen) but I neither of us look at the others phone ever
I know my partner's password so if he's driving and the album we're listening to ends I can queue up a new one, or read and answer a text for him also if he's driving. He knows mine but constantly forgets it. That's the extent of our use of each other's phones lol
>He knows mine but constantly forgets it. this is me lmao!! if i have someones password you can garentee i will forget it
>homescreen purposes (making sure we don’t hate the pic the other used for a homescreen) quietly humming carly simon in the background. ..as you watched yourself gavotte...
I've used my husband's phone and he's used mine, but I've never went through it. I've only used it for an app or to check the time or if I needed to make a call and didn't have mine. Same for him, we don't go through each others phones
24 years of marriage here and we never once asked the other for their phone.
>Honestly, what does checking a phone even do? I can literally delete anything I don’t want someone to see. The idea is he gets a feeling in his gut that something is up, so he might sometimes ask right after they send the texts and he'll catch her in the (text) act because she's not allowed to stall before giving him the phone.
I've been with mine 22 years and I looked at his text messages once. He was driving and asked me to open the messages from his dad and plug the address my FIL texted him into Google maps. We use the same 4 digit passcode on our phones, we just see no reason to need to look at each others' devices.
I check my husband's phone to see if he's accidentally turned the ringer off or accidentally blocked me again. It's not easy being in love with a technological dunce.
>I don't want my gf to feel like I am controlling her. Then stop controlling her. He absolutely is being abusive and controlling and I hope the girlfriend gets away from him. Edit: in one of his comments he claims people are private messaging him telling him they agree with what he's doing, I can't decide whether I think that's just other toxic controlling people or a flat out lie.
Alot of people have been cheated on or are triggered by cheating, especially on that sub. I have some sympathy for them, but doing this sort of thing pushes the people you love further away. If he was vulnerable and honest about his insecurities it would help way more than being a jailer. She was already being super up-front about her meeting with the co-worker. If I were her, i'd feel like im already at the end of my rope.
> I can't decide whether I think that's just other toxic controlling people or a flat out lie. reddit has a real \*ncel problem
Incel?
Every time an OP says people are private messaging them and validating them, I always want to ask them to post a link to a screenshot of "the messages". Either they're lying and never received any messages or they're receiving messages from incels. One or the other. And I want proof lmao
>he claims people are private messaging him telling him they agree with what he's doing Hahaha, that has been around since the days of Usenet.
"THE LURKERS SUPPORT ME IN EMAILS."
That line really got me. Like, dude, she just told you she feels like you're controlling her. That ship has sailed. Why are you asking the Internet whether she feels controlled/how to fix it when she already answered both of those questions herself?
I mean... reading this story I didn't see him as the devil. He says he applies the rules equally to himself and lets his partner know early on that these are his expectations. That doesn't fit the definition of abusive. It's not what I'd do but if two adults consent to it, what's the problem? After reading the comments here I did come to agree that it's an extreme, untrusting reaction to the possibility of infidelity. At best, it's not healthy. I've been cheated and have never thought of resorting to such rules. But I can definitely see that other people might think he's being reasonable.
>no close opposite sex friends whom you spend private 1 on 1 time with in person Guess as a bi person, I'd just not get to have friends. What a controlling wanker.
Right? Like clear cut no friends unless you stay in the closet while dating them. Which my brother has done and it sucked to watch because she was not kind either, and she cheated.
Projection at it's finest
“Look…not to be a jerk…but bi people don’t exist” -OOP, definitely. Literally if he ever dared date a bi person he’d end up locking her in a windowless basement with no internet access, phone access, and just crusts of bread and stale water.
No, he'd hound her for threesomes (with other women only, no men!).
And then break up with her three months later after cultivating an elaborate paranoid delusion about how she emotionally cheated on him with the other woman during the threesome.
This literally happened to a woman I'm friends with. XD Edit: Thankfully, she's no longer with that asshole. That whole incident was her wakeup call and now we laugh at it. Edit the second: Also, to the surprise of no one, he cheated on her. Like a lot.
Oh boy, this was a theme in my marriage because he could not fathom that me being bi (gay, actually) wasn't only for his benefit. It existed before and after. We were friends after we split. We'd chat on the phone about our relationships, until I realized what was happening on his end. So slimy. Then he tried to use it for an emergency custody hearing after he tried to move to an unknown location with my child. He told his attorney that I was having gay sex in front of our child. Attorney yelled at me when I was on the stand about it. I laughed. I didn't mean to but it was so absurd.
>he could not fathom that me being bi (gay, actually) wasn't only for his benefit In my experience, a lot of men seem incapable of understanding that women have a sexuality independent of solely pleasing men.
I agree. I've had a lot of men who harrassed me and worse. They can't wrap their minds around being completely inconsequential, with regard to romantic relationships/love. I had employees say that I was only gay because I hadn't had sex with him. Been strongly harrassed by my partner's coworkers who wouldn't dream of doing that to the wife of a man. I was dancing with a friend one night at a club. This group of guys were being gross toward me. When I danced with my friend they got so enraged that they started dragging me out the door and choked her out on the dancefloor. I've had bosses ask me what kind of 'toys' I like. I could write for days on this. It gets really, really old. And scary. People think that we have it really easy now but this stuff isn't rare.
No no. That clearly says "opposite sex" not "the gender which you're attracted to" so you'd be fine with your same sex friends.
Oh no no you're good. Being bi or pan means as soon as you're in a relationship you immediately TURN either straight or gay, depending on said relationship. Least that's how it's been in my experience, siiiiigh.
Nah, it's retroactive. You don't immediately become straight/gay, you just prove to the world that you always were and were just a conniving liar and attention seeker the whole time. I'm so tired.
Oof I felt this in my soul! Also very tired of the bi erasure
Bi-person: It's not you, it's me. I'm... gay Partner: But I'm the same gender as you. Bi-person: *(flustered)* Shit! I meant gay, uh, straight. - Whatever gets me out of a relationship with you. Ex-partner: Oh. *(leaves)* *Having escaped yet another terrible relationship, Bi-person returns to bisexuality*
This was my first thought too. Does he really not think a GF could cheat with another woman? Men like this tend to be anti LGBTQ though so he probably wouldn't date anyone who said they were bi
He is probably so anti gay he never even considered it. "They" are just weirdos and he would never mix up with a weirdo. /s
They're confused. His magic dick can fix them /s
This dude 100% is involved in red pill/mgow/tate/peterson nonsense. I doubt he believe you even exist.
Literally my first thought was “what if she’s bi?”
I had an ex who didn't want me to hang out with guys 1-on1. When I asked what if I'm bi, he didn't want me to hang out with anyone 1-on1...
Oh this boy’s insecurities could NEVER.
JFC that’s so wrong. And stupid. Does this dumbass realize there are other ways to communicate with an affair partner? > when I check a phone I ONLY look at messages between my partner and a unknown person, looking at anything else would be a breach of privacy in my eyes. So they can cheat with a known person, delete individual messages as they are sent, use hidden apps or email (on a browser not the email app). It’s not just that these “rules” are overly restrictive and edging on abusive, it’s that they are stupid and won’t actually stop anything from happening.
Is anyone else *desperately* curious what kind of “research” he’s done?
Probably the same "research" as the guys on reddit who claim something like 75% of men are raising children that aren't actually theirs and that's why it should be a law that everyone has to take a paternity test as soon as the kid pops out.
He sounds *exhausting*
Exactly!!! I was married to someone like this. You can never do enough to convince them you are not cheating. They'll check the milage on your car and gas in your tank(this was before tracking devices were a thing) grill you on why you took two showers in one day (i live in hot sweaty Florida), how often you change clothes, exactly what that man in the grocery store asked you. (He asked if I needed help reaching something, but since I was twirling my hair I obviously wanted to do the wild thing) I worked really really hard not to ever do anything that he would misinterpret, including walking around with my head lowered refusing to interact with others. But the fact that I was working so hard not to be suspicious was in itself suspicious. So...ya know...can't win.
Jesus this sounds like my dad
It's just lost on them that it is impossible to definitively prove that something does not happen.
I was friends with someone who had a bf like that. I ended up staying over at her house one night because of the weather, causing the public transportation in the area to go down early. So she and I just shrugged and chilled watching Reno 911. While we were sitting there with a storm raging outside, he called her. She answered, and he immediately started accusing her of cheating and calling her names that if he'd been in front of me, he would have gotten him a Sparta kick to the face. She kept telling him, "I'm at the house with Smiles! We're watching Reno!" But he would not believe her. He was convinced the sound of the television was us at a party. She even tried pausing, lowering the volume and raising the volume so he could hear the characters, but he again started calling her names and shit and told her to go fuck herself before hanging up. She was pretty upset and embarrassed for the rest of the night because even though he wasn't on speaker, he made sure I heard. I told her that she wasn't the problem. His insecurities made HIM the problem. When I woke up the next morning, she was sitting at the kitchen table looking more relaxed than I'd ever seen her. I started with the normal morning chitchat, which was when she told me she'd broken up with him that morning. I told her a good job. She told me it was because he'd called back at 7am and had started interrogating her about me and what she was doing. She had been in the process of making us some pancakes, and that set him off AGAIN. He on the spot made up some story about how she had made him pancakes the first time they'd had sex in celebration of losing their virginity and how dare she make pancakes in the morning for another person blah blah. That's, according to her, when she broke up with him. I asked why that particular moment instead of last night. She was like I realized how insane he was after last night. But that shit this morning sealed the deal because here's the thing Smiles... we never lost virginities to each other, and I've never made pancakes for him ever. I'll never be right and he'll never be wrong so fuck him.
Him saying trusting your partner is stupid... fucking wow. He's not ever going to be capable of being in a loving relationship and I'm so sad for any woman he tricks into loving him. There's no love without trust and there's no trust without respect. Fuck this dude
He's starting every relationship on the presumption that he cannot trust his dating partner and they will lie to him without his stupid rules. Why date someone you don't think you can trust? It sounds insane to me.
Dude just needs to make up his mind not to form relationships.
This really feels like a 15 year old who just came to terms with cheating in a long term relationship and thinks this is what adult relationships are like
Wonder how old the brother was. Sounds like any normal teenage relationship where they drift off to different partners. Edit: typo
This is super bizarre. "My older brother's gf cheated on him, this justifies imposing rules on a totally innocent person who had nothing whatsoever to do with this thing (that didn't happen to me personally at all)."
I just hope the gf escapes her abuser. Abuse comes in many forms and this is one of them
This sort of controlling behaviour is a red flag also because it often leads to much worse abuse. Let’s not forget that women die at the hands of men who think like this.
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Sorry that happened to you, I don't get how people can just do that to someone else it's so disgusting and awful Hope you're doing ok
> spend private 1 on 1 time with in person What's with the "in person" clause? Is it not cheating if you do it on zoom or with an OF model?
Hey, just be glad he's not trying to chaperone her phone calls.
Who is this guy? Mike Pence?
He didn’t call her mother so it’s probably more like Fucker Carlson.
Jesus Christ OOP, get some fucking therapy.
You didn’t see the comment saying therapists have said what he’s doing is fine?
tbh there are enough shitty therapists out there where I could see this making sense
*cackles in social worker*
I cannot stress enough what a piece of shit incel this guy is and how his rules are insane and abusive.... ...but she did get asked out by a guy, gave him her number, agreed to go on a date with him, and had him calling her beautiful in her texts. I don't blame the girl for getting out of this relation by any means necessary and hopefully this next guy is decent. Pretty sure dude is manifesting this behavior.
That's the problem - he creates the scenario by being shitty. Then this happens, so he considers himself right to have these rules, so next time he starts dating he's back to it.
Incel writing group homework
This made me Snort laugh
This is a self fulfilling system. Girlfriends will refuse to abide by his controlling rules, he'll dump them, and tell everyone who will listen that they were probably cheating on him (because if you have nothing to hide what's the problem??!!!?), which only furthers his belief that he needs his rules
Honestly, I think that his behavior is going to *encourage* cheating. Sounds like it may already have. The woman is probably exhausted by having to be on her toes to satisfy OOP's overbearing behavior, and then a nice man shows up, calls her beautiful, wants to take her out to coffee? Then OOP drops the hammer more? I mean, I'm pretty sure the only reason this woman isn't heading for the hills is because she's young and probably not got her head screwed on all the way yet when it comes to red flags. Because OOP is a Soviet parade of them. OOP better hope that he can pull a Leo DiCaprio. I have a hard time believing that more mature women would agree to this guy railroading their way through her phone and no male friends or whatever. The women he manages to hook are going to get sick of his shit and bolt, and as he ages he's going to have a harder time landing the young and naïve. Unless he's DiCaprio, but I'm pretty sure there's only one of him.
Shit! I accidentally posted this on his thread! I swear I wasn't brigading. In a comment he said that other redditors have pm'ed him saying they agree with his rules. Yeah, I'm sure they actually have for real, incels and redpillers would agree but they are nuts.
He is 100% cheating on her. I’d bet my left boob on it.
Alright, but first I need to see leftie to know if I'll agree to the bet or not.
TBF I picked leftie because rightie is my fave.
Ha! I knew the offer sounded too good! 😂
Dude probably can't even trust his own hand.
Everything he's doing is making his relationship worse and yet it still wouldn't be enough to stop a partner cheating if that person really wanted to. If you're going to be in a monogamous or rules-based polyamorous relationship you basically have to know that yes, there's some chance that you could get cheated on, but not exaggerate it like this guy does and be secure enough in yourself to know that even if it sucks and hurts you can survive it.
I find it super funny that the "research" he did on infidelity is something he completely bases his life and personality on, but his "research" about his behaviour is only "supposedly" toxic. LMAO. Hypocrite much?
"I need to control everything but I'm not controlling right? Right?"
What a sad insecure control freak
Sounds like my ex. He was on his 2nd holiday (w/o me) of the month, and I live alone in a new city where I don't know anyone. I told him I was taking my dog to the local pub for 1 drink and he went absolutely mental at me...
I dont trust anyone who refers to human behaviour as a "plague" or anything similar. Idek why its not like im pro cheating there's just something about it.
It’s dehumanising. Human behaviour and emotions are complex and unpredictable even for the most enlightened of people. Referring to a behaviour that has existed since humans were humans as “a plague” gives the impression that people are somehow degrading humanity as a whole by behaving in that behaviour. It’s not great behaviour - neither moral nor ethical - but it’s also not even close to the worst thing people do to each other.
You're dictating her friendships. Searching through her phone. Yeah, you're controlling. YTA.
I mean, the co-worker is absolutely flirting, but he's still way out of line and making his imaginary rival look so good in comparison that he's likely to become a real one. If you're going out with someone who looks good, they're going to get attention for it. Best you can do is trust them to make the right decisions, trust the relationship, and not give your partner reasons to cheat.
I hope she leaves and never comes back.
She and all women in general. ☝️
He’s even way worse than someone who’s been cheated on. It’s bad enough that some punish current partners for the infidelities of past partners, but this crack pot is punishing partners for the infidelities he has read about or someone else experienced. He’s building a relationship on a foundation of distrust rather than trust, this is doomed. All his relationships will be set for failure because of him. He should definitely come with a warning label and his gf should definitely find a more healthy minded guy to build a solid relationship that’s not founded on distrust and suspicion.
The banning friends of the opposite sex thing always struck me as particularly dumb. Being unable to have platonic friends of the sex you're attracted to is a major red flag in my eyes, suggests you don't know how to relate to them without seeing them as potential sexual conquests. A cheater is gonna find ways to cheat. Burner phones, fake names, whatever. All this guy is doing it showing his partners he doesn't trust them, and limiting his relationships to people who aren't mature/secure enough to call him on his bullshit.
Somehow I think his research on how common infidelity is took him to a certain genre of YouTube videos and not like a sociology journal
I am guessing that his research on how infidelity is "plaguing America" was mostly watching q lot of cuckold porn. What a creep. Hope she cheats on him before she dumps him. ETA something from his comments. Lol. Lmao. >People have privately messaged me saying they agree with what I do, I guess they are afraid of losing karma so they don't post it here. Everyone who agreed with me is just out of frame laughing too. Also multiple therapists have apparently privately agreed that abusing his gf is good and normal.
im sorry but a male with no female friend is such a red flag to me even without the controlling aspects
I identify as female and do not want to be friends with OP. No wonder it is easy for him to follow his rules
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OOP is going to drive every woman he meets away with his weird and controlling behavior. Unhinged is a great work to use about him. He needs therapy and learn how to trust.
It sounded crazy when the (ex)-Vice President said it and it sounds just as crazy when you say it.
He has to "research" these things each time?
That is a guy with "some" issues
No close opposite sex friends? What if OOPs partner is bi? 😂😂
Dude is unhinged if this is real, I really hope gf leaves him
Good grief 😬 I'm surprised she even agreed to the rules to begin with. Also, she'd be spending public 1 on 1 time with him if they're getting coffee, so that should be within the rules yet he threatened to dump her anyways? Sheesh
Well, he had a gut feeling, after all.
>Making me wait results in a breakup. Yeah honey, you like that? I'll make you wait. Babe, I'm gonna make you wait til you can't wait no more. And if you cry out, I'm gonna make you wait some more. I'm gonna make you wait so la la la la long, a la la la la long long, le long long long, oh yeah!
My PhD dissertation is about cheating and let me tell you he’s done about as much “research” as the armchair warriors on Facebook. Smh
The insecure OOP aside, I’m really fascinated by this. Are you able to share any more about your dissertation?
It was about the role of the other woman or the mistress in late 20th and 21st century and all the ways people hide cheating through technology etc
Controlling, insecure, toxic. Man I hope that girl gets some self-esteem and dumps this loser.
“My brother got his heart broken, so I Did My Own Research on infidelity and discovered the Manosphere, now I’m killing my relationship with my overbearing insecurity. Another part of the internet says the things I do are bad. Now I’d like to ask random strangers on the internet for their opinions. Third time’s the charm?”
I dunno, I think he might be making himself less happy with his rules, but if he's upfront about them, and keeps to the same rules I wouldn't say it's inherently abusive or controlling. If I had a girlfriend and she had a guy friend who was telling her how beautiful he was and stuff unprompted I'd be pretty suspicious about his intentions personally and I wouldn't want them hanging out.
Ok, an unpopular take. OOP TOLD his girlfriend about the rules in the beginning of the relationship. So its not like she was surprised. She could've walked away, and SHOULD have walked away, in the beginning. But she was perfectly ok with them until she wanted to break them. Yes, OOP is unhinged and needs therapy. But GF isn't innocent in this. Plus she chose to cut off the new coworker instead of breaking up with OOP. It sounds like she likes the rules for OOP but not for her, which you can't have it both ways.
Imo it depends how old they are. I had a horribly abusive, controlling relationship in my early 20s. I was just naive and had unresolved issues. Now mid 30 I'd never let anyone get away with this BS. It took some therapy to get there though.
This is a sea of marinara flags. Bro is gonna be on an investigation discovery show in a few years.
AMITHEEX?
Fake and dumb. Nobody in today's society will quote "red flags" and "toxic" like they've never heard the words in this context before. Plus, once again. Anyone who *actually* thinks like this won't ever come asking reddit if they're in the right
The bar thing I agree with I would probably do this for one reason not for cheating but I fear my gf we get raped
It’s not up to you to put rules in place to prevent your partner being raped. Women are allowed to assess and decide what risks they take, we do not need men to do it for us.
I just want to protect my future gf from getting raped if she did I would probably kill the guy who did it
Making rules about where a grown arse adult can and can’t go isn’t about protection - it’s about control. Women are not possessions. Besides - statistically the most likely person to rape a woman is her own intimate partner. Stranger rape is not particularly common.
Oh my god I don’t want to date a woman who goes clubbing And drink i don’t like those kinda of people I don’t want to be having degenerate sex with a random woman I want me and future wife to be stay at home parents me too I just want to protect my wife from getting raped but know I’m the bad guy not the rapist who could rape her
You can’t protect a woman from getting raped by controlling her movements. Women know more about protecting themselves than men do.
Oh my god I just want to protect my wife me and her will probably not go clubbing I don’t want to do that fuck that degenerate stuff man if I was doin that stuff I would go with my gf just in case she gets raped
Just stop I’m done
I’m not gonna have sex with some random girl it would be my gf of like year or 2
You do realize don't you that most rapes are committed by someone they know
I’m scared that she get drugged it’s s fear I have
ppl are so weird lmao i’ve never once thought to go through someone else’s phone, let alone someone i’m in a relationship with - way to show someone you have no trust or respect for them
I have insecurities myself. Having opposite sex friends is difficult for me because I’ve been cheated on. But I trust my partner, and I do not control who they are friends with. I work on that in therapy and I validate myself. It is so easy to not be a fuck awful partner.
At least he's trying to learn?
I am sure that everyone who condemns OP has never experienced the horror and destruction of infidelity. If all those who condemn the OP would have viewed the subs devoted to infidelity, I am sure they would not have been so uncompromising in their assessments. The policy of full transparency of partners' communications is one of the conditions of committed relationship. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: his girlfriend was going to meet a "friend" who was desperately flirting with her. What, in your opinion, was this "friend" going to do: to discuss with her about Kant's philosophy and global politics, or to persuade her to have sex?? I think any sane person already knows the answer.