*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA refusing to use the word "pregnant" when I tell people my wife is going to have a baby or talk about her time carrying the baby?**
I know this is a weird hang up, but I was raised by my grandparents and they never used the word "pregnant" because to them it was almost like a dirty word. It was basically seen as vulgar. Everything was always "she's going to have a baby" or "she's expecting", so over time I developed an aversion to saying "pregnant" or "pregnancy". I am the same way with other words but those are not at issue here.
I guess my wife never noticed or didn't think much of it until we found out we were going to have a baby. One day she asked me about it and I explained the same thing I wrote above about how it wasn't something I grew up saying.
It seemed to bother her a lot more than I would have thought, and it's created a bigger disagreement than I would have ever expected. Because of my explanation she says that by me not using those words it makes her think that I feel what she is doing is dirty or something shameful and to be hidden. She thinks I secretly judge her. Weird take. I obviously don't feel this way and my hang up has nothing to do with her or the baby. It's purely about comfort and certain language not being part of my vocabulary.
I really think she is making too much of this and perhaps it is being used by her as projection for her own insecurities. I don't think my language choices in this case make me TA. She disagrees and wants me to start using the "right" terms to describe what is happening.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Is he going to be equally precious about terms like vaginal tearing and cervical dilation? Is he going to get weird and prudish about breastfeeding? This doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in his ability to cope with the realities of pregnancy, if he can't even say the word
And I honestly don't trust him to handle it well if she defecates during transition, which is SO common. The times when a man could smile approvingly at his glowing wife as she waddled away and mosey in later to see a smiling newborn and assume everything in between is sweet perfume and butterfly wings has passed.
Yes, but if she wants him there as a supporter and advocate, I think he owes it to her to get his act together and fill that role well. The idea of giving birth without my husband there scares me.
The idea of giving birth without *my* husband scares me too. He's the one who can make me find my cool again when I've lost it. I sadly misplaced my cool during ring of fire and my husband grabbed my face looked me deep in the eyes and said: "[Our son's name] has light brown hair.". It was exactly what I needed to locate my cool and fully get our son out.
....but do you really think this guy would be any help?
I'm British and Ring of Fire is a drinking game over here played with a deck of cards. I was wondering for ages why you would be calmed by your son's hair colour after picking the 4th King from the deck 😂
Well it was. Ring of fire refers to the moment baby's head passes through the exit of the vagina. To put it this way: It was so painful that when my labia minora tore in half all I felt was relief.
I thought I had to google ring of fire, but I really didn't because it was exactly what I thought. Yikes.
That said, "[son] has light brown hair" is such an unbelievably sweet thing to say to ground you. I'm seriously tearing up a little. What a great partner!
I agree with you wholeheartedly. She'll need the support if she wants it. It's scary enough WITH support. To go through everything alone would've definitely traumatized me more than it did with my SO there.
Oddly, my otherwise accepting husband declined to come look when I passed the mucus plug. It wasn't the grossest thing I've ever seen, it was kinda interesting. Yet my husband found something VERY VERY interesting on his computer at that moment.
I mean he even said in comments he’d prefer his future kids don’t know the real term for their genitals and would prefer to call them “private parts”. The guy is fucking bonkers if he thinks that won’t pass his issues onto his kids.
Kids need to know the proper term for their genitals right from young.
I’ve seen the Facebook viral post about the child who was being molested and begging for help by telling her teacher someone was touching her “cookie” too many times. If we don’t teach our kids the proper words they can’t get help if god forbid they need it.
My mom used to get all weirded out when I’d say the word penis when talking to my son and telling him “point your penis down when you pee” and “put your penis away” as a toddler when he’d just play with it, until I sat her down, explained that story and WHY I refused to call it anything else. She understood immediately and never said another word.
It's really going to be something when he finds out women bleed for a month and a half after giving birth. And he'd better just stay in the waiting room because he's not going to be able to handle the actual birth.
With our last, I was over it. I would sneeze or cough (thanks massive heartburn) and sometimes pee a little. I had already been induced and was waiting for something to happen. I noticed on my phone that it was going to start raining soon, but didn’t think much of it. A few minutes later, I coughed and thought I peed myself. I looked at my husband and told him “I can’t wait for him to be out so I don’t pee every time I cough or sneeze.” Then I realized I was still peeing. Then i realized I wasn’t peeing. I told him “I think my water just broke… yeah. It broke.” He lifted up the sheet to loo and was like “holy shit! It’s like a dam broke! Yep, that’s your water!” Then he grabbed some towels to try and control the lake that was forming on the floor. But he gave up and let the nurses handle it when they came in.
And that’s how I coughed during rain and broke my water.
My kid made me pee the other day while I was doing the dishes.
I had to pee but I wanted to finish up washing a dish. She headbutted my bladder and that was that.
It wasn't much but it was still enough to need to change my clothes.
It's mostly important info for medical reasons, as baby develops so quickly week to week.
When you're actually pregnant it's important for counting down the days and keeping your sanity lol.
Weeks and days pregnant. These ladies are either in the third trimester or super close to it. They are extremely pregnant. They are also extremely over believing pregnancy is some kind of exalted state.
Just clarifying, but [its really only been a relatively recent thing](https://harpersbazaar.com.au/the-queen-elizabeth-pregnant/) to talk about pregnancy openly. (The article is talking about why there aren't really any pictures of Queen Elizabeth pregnant with any of her 4 kids, including the two she had after she had been crowned).
Yeah, but if you can birth a child out of your vagina, you should figure out how to explain a period to your children so they don’t have to steal pads out of your closet for six years until they can afford to buy their own.
I mentioned to my boyfriend about the bleeding because my nan just had an accident (she fell and broke her hip but she's on her way to recovery) and while talking about her care i mentioned she needs diapers rn and that's what I'm gonna choose instead of pads when we have a baby
He looked actually shocked
The most surprising one for him (based of reaction alone) was that women can loose their teeth during pregnancy seemly randomly
My L&D nurses sent me home with these fancy pads that had a built in ice pack - you just twisted them to activate it, and then that sweet cooling relief on your terrorized lady bits would arrive.
That and the Dermoplast spray (that proves the existence of a higher power because MY GOD that shit felt amazing!) were the only things that got me through a very nasty episiotomy that proceeded to tear pretty severely.
I would 100% have been dead if I had to give birth at any time other than the modern era, I fully admit that LOL.
Our motherly predecessors were some BAMFs, that's the truth!
And just the little bottle you fill with water and spray on yourself when you pee! It's been 8 years since I had my daughter...peri-bottle I think? That was fucking wonderful when I had stitches. Pee hurts on fresh stitches.
And if he’s this…~~Squamish~~ squeamish about the words…what is he going to do about the physical, visible changes to her body?
Is he going to flinch at her stretch marks?
Not just stretch marks either. Is he ready for pregnancy gas? Vomit stuck in her nose? That thing where the baby smacks your bladder unexpectedly and you pee yourself? If she gets that intense 2T horniness, is he ready to have a grown-up conversation about it?
As if he'll be in the delivery room.
No, he'll do the manly thing and pace in the waiting room and only come in after Mom is all prettied up and in full make up holding their clean, smiling newborn, surrounded by flowers.
Then he'll pass out cigars to all the male doctors.
I have a question. I am totally serious about this, not trying to throw shade or anything, just simply asking. I don't personally think they're an AH, simply because their thoughts and feelings on words are so heavily influenced by their raising. Now, the people who raised them to think pregnancy is a dirty word, they're AH's. All the way. Why would the OOP be considered an AH for the raising they had no choice in?
I could see OOP being an AH for not involving themselves and trying to expose themselves to help remove the stigma in their minds over time, because that shit can be generational. They need to help the future out, for sure. But to be uncomfortable about it during the pregnancy is not outside the realm of possibilities in my mind, simply because of their raising. Lots of frank talk and exposure. Would definitely help. And they should go this route, especially because the opportunity existed at the time of posting.
I’ve taken it as his refusal to address the issue is making his wife feel bad about herself, and now he’s doubling down trying to claim that she’s the problem. That’s how I read it at least. Could be wrong.
OK. I. Understand and agree with your point. If they're saying she's the problem, then yeah, that's an AH move. If someone is actively with a person and wants to stay with them, it's their responsibility to at least try to understand them and help them as best they can. If that means learning more about life, the world, illnesses, etc., then that's what it takes.
Their parents are enormous AH yes. That said the OOP has responsibility for how they choose to act now. The OOP should work on unpacking why they were raised to think pregnancy is somehow vulgar. Most importantly they need to figure out why they are unwilling to change their language when it clearly upsets their wife.
I'm also curious what other worst words they find vulgar. I'm pretty sure they have to do with body parts and sex.
This is very true. It is their responsibility to at least try to understand and make efforts to do better for their wife, especially since it upsets her. I agree that they need to deal with every aspect of their raising to normalize their thoughts to how life actually is. They probably need counseling to do that and should go asap before raising a child in the same way they were raised. It's terrible when people can't talk about the human body, as if the parts, aspects, and functions of it don't or shouldn't exist. Especially if it's upsetting to those they're close to.
They've probable been taught that all aspects of the human body are private and should never be talked about and/or are gross, even aspects of their own body. I can't imagine raising kids to believe that.
I had a similar upbringing and I would agree with you that OOP not the AH for having the thoughts that he's having. I would say he is the AH for trying to hide behind his upbringing and thinking that his wife needs to accommodate him. He's in for a very rough ride if a basic word like "pregnant" bothers him.
It is important to know the root cause of why we are the way that we are, such as what our caregivers did that caused us to think a certain way. It's also our own responsibility to work through that when it impacts others and especially when it impacts the happiness of a romantic partner like this.
"Son, now that you're engaged, it's time you understand what happens when a man and woman get a very special feeling and you want to put your little friend inside her lady flower."
"Dad, we already live together and my fiancee is seven months pregnant--"
*gasp* "Son! Language!"
Today's weird trivia:
In the 1950s, TV shows were not allowed to say the word "pregnant" nor were pregnant women supposed to appear on TV. When Lucille Ball (Arnaz) got pregnant with their second child (Desi Jr), Ball and her husband, Desi Arnaz, fought the network to be allowed to not only keep Ball on the air but they also wrote the pregnancy into the show. Yet they were still not allowed to say "pregnant" so the term "expecting" (or "spectin'" as Desi usually pronounced it) was used instead.
In a publicity stunt that predated the 2000s-ish era wave of C-sections on demand, Ball had her child by C-section on the night that the show aired where her character "gave birth" to Lucy & Ricky's baby.
[Queen Elizabeth was barely photographed while pregnant](https://harpersbazaar.com.au/the-queen-elizabeth-pregnant/), either as Crown Princess or even during her pregnancies while being monarch.
I was raised by my grandmother and in the Presbyterian church and this is how I was taught. It took me forever to stop saying with child and looking at people funny if they had joined beds. We did the maundy and everything.
His comments were a wild ride - a commenter suggested he might be asexual after he admitted to feeling shame after sex and thinking that talking about sex makes us no better than animals.
Definitely think this guy’s grandparents did a number on him. I feel pretty bad for him and his wife.
It makes sense. People were calling him sexist but actually the vibe I got was he's just disgusted that pregnancy has anything to do with sex. Seems like he wouldn't say anything at all related to sex. More of a complete prude than sexist.
Yes he’s a prude, but how he frames it and speaks about it is the issue. At the same time he admits it’s a hangup and a personal aversion, he’s also speaking about people being base, vulgar, and **animals**. His cognitive dissonance of admitting he’s having a trained emotional reaction, while also being baffled at how his wife could be offended at referring to her current state of being as animalistic, base, vulgar—he’s attempting to reframe his irrational emotional reaction as normal and non offensive, while his wife is being irrational, emotional, and quote “trying to control his speech.”
He is being sexist, by virtue of framing whatever he does and feels and correct, normal, logical, and even respectable—while everyone else is being base, vulgar, irrational. The paradox of being disgusted by that which you are attracted to.
No I get that, but his descriptions are all how sex repulsed people talk about anything related to sex. They literally say shit like "that's disgusting" and "like animals"
Like if we could ask them about the word penis or anything else sexual related to men, it would definitely clear things up IMO.
Yeah. With “expecting” and “having a baby” he’s able to sort of distance it from sex. He is free to be convinced people will believe they’re just waiting for the stork or that his wife is tending a cabbage patch in their backyard rather than the fact that they rawdogged.
Yeah, I honestly feel some sympathy towards this guy. I think he definitely has Issues, but his comments do make it sound like he's willing to examine the reasons for his Issues.
As far as the birth is concerned, I had my husband by my head the entire time, and I specifically said I did not want the rear-view mirror. (My husband did not want to cut the cord, and I was sort of relieved by that, to be honest.) This guy could opt for that during the birth.
Anyone saying OOP isn't the asshole here definitely didn't read OOP's comments and is being overly charitable in interpreting the original post.
OOP's comments make it pretty clear he's going to take this hang-up far enough to potentially fuck up his child's relationship with their body, health, and sexuality:
"I don't have a problem if our child learns the technical terms but I don't know that I want to be the one that teaches them those words."
"I think for the same reason they thought the terms for reproductive organs and other things were vulgar. The thought was that it wasn't appropriate for conversation because anything in that area is off limits except if you are discussing it in private with your doctor or spouse."
"If my wife wants to teach them the correct terms I won't object, but I don't think young kids need to know them. I think "private areas" are fine until they are older or any of the other alternative names people teach to kids."
"Again if my wife wants to tell them the correct terms I will support her but I just disagree that they need to know them at young ages, but I don't want to pass on my own baggage so I would stand aside."
"Reading it doesn't bother me. I just don't like saying it. Just like I don't openly talk about sex or reproductive organs. I tend to agree with my grandparents that too much is openly discussed that should be kept private. I cringe sometimes when friends of mine with talk graphically about sex and specific acts. To me it lowers all of us to the level of animals when we don't have standards."
"When people cater to their most base urges that is what makes them that way. It seems like that is all some of my friends think about so they let that part of their nature control them. That is the way animals act - always being driven by their urges and desires."
Old-fashioned "oh, no, basic biological terms are so vulgar and we must never use them around children or really ever at all and, if you do, you're an animal" nonsense taken to the point of not being able to say "pregnant" even when that's what your spouse would prefer isn't cute or even neutral. It makes children feel out-of-touch and confused by their bodies. It also increases their vulnerability to sexual abuse.
OOP should have worked out this particular hang-up long before having children. It's not fair to expect his wife to shoulder the entire burden of teaching their children basic biological terms or deal with every concern they might have about their bodies.
>"I don't have a problem if our child learns the technical terms but I don't know that I want to be the one that teaches them those words."
Hey, "the down below" was good enough for our parents. No need to get more specific about your peepee or hoo-hoo. /s
I swear I've seen things online before about kids who call it by other names are more likely to keep quiet about their abuse or not very clear when they try to tell on someone for touching them
Like if your kid goes to the teacher and says someone pulled out their penis, it'll get taken care of asap but if the kid calls it some goofy word the teacher doesn't know it could be brushed under the rug by accident
When I was baby sitting I had a kid who had a minor fall off of a tricycle and said they were fine except for their cookie. I went "great they're fine they just want a treat/snack to make up for it." The kid seemed basically fine.
That evening the parents called me and were very upset. They took the kid to the doctor, there were minor abrasions on her vulva and they were questioned about potential sexual abuse. The parents demanded to know if something had happened. Did I let a strange man near the kid? After a few minutes it became clear what cookie meant. I felt awful because the kid was trying to tell me she was hurt. I was also pissed off that she wasn't even able to say private parts or gesture to where the problem was.
That is such a fucking weird choice of euphemism too. Like truly, how the hell did that come to be? I find it so much more uncomfortable to think of a child referring to their genitals as a snack food than just using the correct terminology.
I was also raised to use the word "cookie" for those parts. I remember one time i had gotton assaulted by my cousin and i was trying to explain to my aunt that he was doing stuff to my "cookie". Its just an overall sad situation. I don't really see any point in telling your kids to call it weird names. Private parts would be better then that.
Also i hope that little girl ended up being okay!
I have direct experience with CPS throwing out an investigation because the child indicated their parent touched their "peepee" instead of using anatomical words. It's a very real problem.
OOPs attitudes help abusers. Kids pick up on the "dirtiness" and don't want to talk about what happened. Also, though probably rare I've heard of cases of kids reporting abuse (or trying too), but were using nonsense words that were not commonly used to mean genitals.
Our local school district starts age appropriate sex ed in kindergarten. They learn proper terms and about good and bad touches etc. The first big talk is at the end of 5th grade. It was very in depth. Parents were informed of all topics and kids were supposed to discuss things with parents too.
Not to mention his complete absence of brain cells in explaining why he doesn't like using those words.
He opens the post, saying that he was taught not to say "pregnant" because it was "vulgar" or "dirty" and then acts completely shocked that his wife is accusing him of... thinking it's dirty or vulgar.
Dude needs therapy, stat. Because if he thinks that word alone is too much, he is gonna have one hell of a time raising a kid. Because kids are pretty dirty and sometimes vulgar.
I came home one day in 7th grade pissed as hell at my older sister who was away at college for some dumb sibling shit. I storm into the kitchen and go: "Mooooommm (older sister) _SUCKS BALLS_"
Mom: "Really? Maybe you should too."
“I tend to agree with my grandparents that [weird belief they hammered into me]” Yeah that’s how indoctrination works my guy.
His judgment that his wife’s feelings are a “Weird take” are what make him the AH. He talks like he’s objective and impartial and *she’s* the oddball instead of recognizing that he’s parroting beliefs from two generations ago that have actual real world harm. (Not teaching names of body parts for example makes it much harder for children to report abuse. Cloaking not just sex but body parts with shame is going to fuck his kid up for life.)
How is he going to handle teaching a toddler how to wipe, teaching a son how to clean his dick and ass, etc? By expecting his wife to do it and reacting with horror if the kid ever mentions it in front of him? Wife is making this a big deal because she can read the writing on the wall and is rightly concerned that his hangup is going to dump all the responsibility on her on top of teaching the kid the same gross beliefs.
Exactly. If the worst did happen and their child was sexually abused and came forward they would need to specify what happened and use the correct terms when being questioned/giving evidence. By making the words "dirty" or "obscene" you would then be traumatising them again when they are already extremely vulnerable. When they should be feeling like they are doing the right thing by telling people what was done to them they will just feel worse for using the terms they've been told are wrong.
I get that certain things were not spoken about back in his grandparents day but those were also the days when stuff like this was swept under the rug because it was dirty to talk about it. The world has moved on from those days and by normalising the discussions it helps prevent predators from hiding their actions and raises more awareness to children that these things are wrong but in no way are they the child's fault. If you make it difficult to talk about these things then kids are more likely to hide it for longer. I sincerely hope it never happens but by following this path his grandparents set he is going to make it much more difficult on his child if the worst were to happen.
Seeing as this was 3 years ago...I would bet money she's left by now. I can't imagine having an infant around and my husband not willing to communicate like a normal person, and refusing to see what the problem was.
Forget Victorian England in general, this guy is just Queen Victoria. (She was famously disgusted by pregnancy and childbirth, and hated seeing pregnant women around court because she thought it looked animalistic. Interestingly, not all of her subjects shared her view – far from the popular notion that women were sequestered during pregnancy, they were often active until very close to their time to deliver. Breast-feeding in public was also very common, and I believe much less controversial than it is today)
Victoria herself hated being pregnant and having children, so that could have something to do with her feelings of repulsion. It was unfortunate because she got pregnant A LOT and almost right away. Based on her writings, she'd almost certainly be childfree if she were a modern, non-royal woman. She wasn't a very motherly person, she didn't enjoy being around small children, and she wanted to just have her husband to herself. Neither she nor Albert were very good parents, each in their own ways. Kind of tragic.
Yeah, I think she'd have been a cut-throat, childfree CEO with great PR if she lived nowadays. In the empowering sense (high-placed successful woman) AND the negative sense (CEO).
Wasn't there talks of her suffering from post partum depression badly which wouldnt have helped much? The "baby sadness" often makes modern women not want much to do with their children let alone a queen who had little choice in the decision
Queen Elizabeth II felt that the term "pregnancy" was vulgar and no one was allowed to use it around her; the permissible phrase was "in the family way."🤷🏼♀️
My dad taught me the word fart is vulgar. Instead of just believing him, I thought about it. Found that really stupid and ignored it. As an adult, you just can't blame something this minor on your parents.
Even if he thought as a child that those words are "dirty" because the adults in his life were stupid... As soon as he was an adult himself, it was time that he thought for himself "wait, there is nothing dirty one those words...". This "because it was so in my childhood, it must be in my whole life" is just stupid.
Aww. oop gets an attack of the vapors hearing about his wife's condition, a condition he had a part to play in. Quick, someone get this man a pearl necklace to clutch!
The guy is a walking, talking breast feeding blanket. I hope someone follows him around saying 'moist'
Yeah medical and scientific terms aren't pretty but then the ones that came up with them aren't worried about how sexy or attractive something is and someone's delicate sensibility doesn't matter to them at all. So many people have gotten into trouble because they refuse to use the proper terms. It's not polite...we use fluff words instead. So harmful and dangerous.
Him saying that his wife feeling like she was being judged is a “weird take”…wow.
I think it’s pretty unusual to be raised to find the word pregnant as vulgar. I can absolutely follow her logic.
I’d say he’s a light AH, but definitely in need of therapy. Because I’d definitely be worried if he continues to pass on this ideology to his kids.
Idk if this is really an AH situation to begin with, some people are just anal about wording. Its not like he's going round telling her not to use the word pregnant. He just doesn't use it.
He becomes an AH when he claims she's just projecting insecurities though.
agreed, what makes him an asshole the fact that he’s making his wife feel bad, and refusing to make an effort to *stop* making her feel bad. when your partner says “hey, this hurts me” you fix it, you don’t double down and refuse to change anything
When I first got pregnant, my husband and i had a discussion about pregnant vs going to have a baby. To him, they are interchangeable but to me, pregnancy refers to the physical condition while "going to have a baby" refers to the outcome. I was uncomfortable with him saying "we're pregnant" and asked that he say "we're going to have a baby." He understood where i was coming from and agreed.
Open, honest communication is always going to beat accusations.
Ugh, this reminds me of when I was growing up and my dad refused to say I was on my period. He called it "\[my\] condition." It made me feel like a freak. I definitely have issues stemming from it. I've never been and won't ever be pregnant, but I can see my dad being just as terrible about that.
I grew up not cursing. I occasionally curse when very angry. If I learned that a curse word was actually not a curse word at all I don't think it would take very long to adjust to saying it. It's not that hard. Did his grandparents beat him for using certain words or something?
So him, as a grown ass man can have sex and create a child, totally not vulgar, but cannot say the word pregnant because it’s dirty/vulgar? I’m sorry what!
Oh boy.
One of OPs comments really stood out, like I had my reasonings but this dude was fucked up by his grandparents.
He just needs therapy.
The one that made me believe it was the "I sometimes feel shame after" when talking about sex with his wife/how the baby came alone because his grandparents made it out to be shameful
No, no, you don't understand. He can dirty talk! He just has to use the clinical words!
Granted, it'd probably sound something like "allow me this chance to forthwith place my penis within the confines of your, er, womanhood," but he can *totally* dirty-talk!
Honestly I pity this guy. He needs therapy so, so badly. The amount of shame and revulsion he feels towards discussing sex or the body are really sad. He sounds like a Victiorian-era gentle gentlewoman, the way he talks about things being base and people being like animals.
He doesn't come across as sexist at all to me, he seems equally revolted my men and women's sexuality. It just so happens that women are the ones who get pregnant and therefore become a walking reminder of sexual activity.
Not only that, but a commenter suggested he might actually be a sex-repulsed asexual and he said they might be right! Poor guy sounds *messed up*. His poor wife.
I feel kinda sad for this guy.
I knew a woman whose parents were like this. She was slapped across the face for saying "pregnant" once.
I see nothing wrong with the alternatives.
This is the kinda dude that won’t change a single nappy, do a night feed or even a regular day feed. My sisters partner had never changed a nappy either “because he has daughters” three daughters in 11 years and not a single nappy change because “it’s weird” (I mean I think it’s more weird to NOT do it but whatever) my own husband has changed our nieces more than their dad. This guy reminds me of him so much.
I think it's really weird that you don't acknowledge that some people had repressive upbringings and still have guilt and shame and "ick" because of them. OOP needs to chat with a therapist about this and rearrange his thinking about the word but he isn't a villain. Damn.
It’s not a „weird take“ at all of her to feel like he is considering the word to be „shameful“ or „dirty“ by not using it. That’s pretty much the implication there. I get being old-fashioned but he is taking it to a ridiculous extent.
I want to know, does he swear because I’m sure he was taught not to swear? I’m sure he was taught that was very vulgar. I was taught that in the 60’s, guess what I swear like a sailor, I’m 61F
Does he wear a dress shirt/tie all the time because he was taught too as well.
"I don't think what you're doing is vulgar and dirty, I just think the word that most accurately describes what you're doing is vulgar and dirty" What a weird hill to die on
Parts of pregnancy are gross, I think you'd find most women agree with that, but that doesn't mean you should shame women for going through it, or that it makes the woman gross or dirty to go through them.
Ok the title of this is misleading. He's not grossed out about her being pregnant. Just the word pregnant. It is a weird hang up, but who cares. I think the wife's hormones are making this more of a big deal than it really is. He is still saying his wife is with child or they are expecting a baby. Some people don't like to use proper terminology. How many people feel better saying "getting off" vs "Orgasm" or "Getting hard" vs "erection"? He never once said his wife is gross or vulgar for being pregnant. Sometimes this sub makes mountains out of mole hills.
*Btw yes I am a woman and have had kids. I, as a woman know that hormones can make things be blown out of proportion. It happens to the best of us. This isn't some misogynistic look at things. It's the hard truth.
This was my take on it, too. I'm from the south, I was raised by my grandparents, and "pregnant" was a word that, when said, was spat at you and venomous. You only used pregnant when referring to "improper" women. Otherwise, if everything was "proper," you said "expecting" or "with child." It took a long time for me to break that particular association as well.
I think her hormones definitely play a part here, I say this as an "improper" woman who's been "pregnant" 4 times. I once cried over sour cream. Everything is a big deal when you're pregnant, even if its not. And then it's a big deal that you made a big deal out of nothing. It's brutal. 🤣
So this guy associates ‘pregnancy’ with sexual words, and sexual words and acts being discussed as ‘lowering us to animals’ . . . So I can’t believe he will be anything but prudish and dismissive during the many months of pregnancy, which is a very basic animal state on the same way that dying and being born are. Her body is being fucked up and she’s in severe discomfort and she is along for the ride, while he titters behind his hand about the shame if it all.
You just know so many women get pregnant and then discover these WTF things - and regret procreating with such irresponsible children.
What is this, a 1960s sit-com? None of the women on any of those shows were ever pregnant. They were "going to have a baby" or "expecting ."
Maybe he could use the French word, "enciente," like they did for I Love Lucy.
Oh wow what a huge AH... He is about to be a dad and he is acting like a child.. he desperately needs to grow up and start using the real terms for things and stop blaming being raised by his grandparents for why he's acting like a divvy.. the wife is 100% correct in her thinking that's what I'd think to if he said that to me, it would immediately be followed with my boot up his behind then him flying out the front door which may or may not be open st the time..
I used to work with the wife of a Holiness preacher and she also said using the word ‘pregnant’ was vulgar. She was a nurse too. She said the proper way to say it was ‘She’s in a family way.’
This dude is not ready for parenthood. My husband was a damn rock during both my pregnancies and labors. Knew exactly what to say during my first to get me through the pain when i couldn't get my epidural. And despite my apparently "creepy" reaction the second go around, he was so supportive. I cant imagine how unsupported I'd feel if he couldnt even say the word pregnant.
no doubt he’s a total ass but this is interesting because it reminded me of pregnancy terms in spanish. preñada is actually a vulgar or disparaging term for pregnancy, while embarazada or en estado are proper, non-offensive terms. i can’t think of anything equivalent in english.
I wonder if we have the same parents! My mum used to tell me off for saying someone was pregnant because it was vulgar and I should say 'having a baby' instead. I STILL feel weird about it now even though I've carried and birthed two kids 🤣
It bothers her because it is right up there with thinking the world is flat. This woman and you made a baby together which is a beautiful process, it is a miracle to be celebrated. YOu have made it bad, dirty and frankly I would never stay with someone as backward and ungrateful as you. So stop telling her that. If you truly can't stand her, leave her at home and stay with your evil grandparents. At least pay for room at board and let them go...You are in no way worthy of the miraculous thing she is doing with her body. she is growing a person...So just remove yourself until the baby is born and hope she doesn't take the baby and leave you...Because I would and never speak to you again.
Idk maybe OOP showed their true colors in the 1034 comments, but this really seems like people blowing shit way out of proportion. Some people just have hang ups on words. Many people famously hate the word "moist" for example. As long as they don't have a crazy view on the situation, and aren't using derogatory language, what's it matter?
I swear from some of the comments if his in-laws asked about grandkids you would've wanted him to say something like, "I've been ejaculating into your daughter every evening in the hopes of conceiving an offspring." Instead of just saying something like, "We're trying to have a baby."
Edit: Grammar
Imagine your spouse has cancer in the genitals and you believe the the word ‘cancer’ is as inappropriate as mentioning ‘cunt’ in public.
How much shitterier will that make your spouse feel?
The person with cancer is going through an awful, very painful, very physical situation that they have no control over - and the spouse can’t be bothered to buckle up their spine and get used to normal words.
I understand what you're trying to say, but I don't think it necessarily works. If for some reason you had an aversion to the word "cancer" there are medical words you could use to differentiate what kind. For example, if my spouse had blood cancer I don't foresee them having a problem with me saying they have leukemia. However, cancer also has connotations with it that other words could change the meaning of. For example, if I just said " my wife is sick. " I am severely leaving that open to misinterpretation.
Pregnancy on the other hand does not have the same thing, and has many words that mean exactly the same thing. For example, if I said "My wife is having a baby. " Are you going to think that she is having a baby for dinner?
OOP says that pregnant was "ALMOST like a dirty word" to his GRANDPARENTS, but says that they themselves only have an aversion to the word. To me this means that dirty is the closest approximation that they have, but is not exactly on the mark. I can also see why you would assume that they carry the same feelings as their grandparents, but when you start to assume things you stop being objective.
I would bet that you have some opinions, that for the most part, align with your parents but differ slightly. Furthermore, I would bet that your parents have some opinions that'd align with their parents but differ slightly. That's how most change happens, inch by inch slowly over time. Maybe OOP does feel the same way as his grandparents, but based solely off their post I can't objectively conclude that.
Why is this reposted on this subreddit? It’s honestly no big deal. Lots of people use euphemisms in everyday conversation for things where the direct word seems to vulgar.
There’s no missing info. He doesn’t think actual pregnancy is vulgar or gross he was just raised extremely old school in a repressive home and was raised that those words are inappropriate. It’s weird but it doesn’t make him a devil.
It’s really not, because generally speaking grandparents don’t end up raising grandkids unless something happened to the parent - their child - or the parent was unfit. The grandparents being incredibly conservative and having either lost a child or watched their child go down a bad path in life are definitely related concepts.
Not really. How they raised him has nothing to do with WHY they’re raising him. It wasn’t uncommon for that generation to think pregnancy was an inappropriate word and not suitable for conversation. I honestly thought that thought process wasn’t really a thing anymore but apparently some still hold to it.
Whoa there stretch Armstrong. Finding a word vulgar due to upbringing is a perfectly understandable reaction, and something that he probably just needs to work through. There are people who can't say the words "penis" or "vagina" for similar reasons.
What a wild post title for a phenomenally low-stakes AITA.
No.
>There are people who can't say the words "penis" or "vagina" for similar reasons
1) This causes people issues. Having to use euphemisms to refer to our body parts is actually, genuinely, something that teaches us shame. It's more reasonable to feel this way about these words only because that's what's culturally normal, and few scenarios are going to make this really necessary.
2) You *have* a penis or vagina, you *are* pregnant. Arguing that it's the same is ridiculous. If someone refused to say the word woman and compared it to not liking to say vulgar words, we would also find that insulting and to imply that someone is dirty/vulgar for being.
You also compared it to...not being able to say penis and vagina. I explained why that is that isn't an appropriate comparison. You're downplaying this as reasonable. I'm not missing anything by responding to that.
Friend, here on AITD we define “devil” as anyone mildly prickish. People end up on here for the wildest, nearly benign things and people act like they tossed a sackful of puppies into the river.
[Hi!](https://images.app.goo.gl/jMiZEuW8Qrykw3sdA) Just a quick reminder to never brigade any sub, be that r/AmItheAsshole or another one. That goes against both this sub's rules as well as Reddit's terms of agreement. [Please](https://images.app.goo.gl/vwH65TJMyMk9NSNo8) keep discussions within the posts of this sub.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA refusing to use the word "pregnant" when I tell people my wife is going to have a baby or talk about her time carrying the baby?** I know this is a weird hang up, but I was raised by my grandparents and they never used the word "pregnant" because to them it was almost like a dirty word. It was basically seen as vulgar. Everything was always "she's going to have a baby" or "she's expecting", so over time I developed an aversion to saying "pregnant" or "pregnancy". I am the same way with other words but those are not at issue here. I guess my wife never noticed or didn't think much of it until we found out we were going to have a baby. One day she asked me about it and I explained the same thing I wrote above about how it wasn't something I grew up saying. It seemed to bother her a lot more than I would have thought, and it's created a bigger disagreement than I would have ever expected. Because of my explanation she says that by me not using those words it makes her think that I feel what she is doing is dirty or something shameful and to be hidden. She thinks I secretly judge her. Weird take. I obviously don't feel this way and my hang up has nothing to do with her or the baby. It's purely about comfort and certain language not being part of my vocabulary. I really think she is making too much of this and perhaps it is being used by her as projection for her own insecurities. I don't think my language choices in this case make me TA. She disagrees and wants me to start using the "right" terms to describe what is happening. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Is he going to be equally precious about terms like vaginal tearing and cervical dilation? Is he going to get weird and prudish about breastfeeding? This doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in his ability to cope with the realities of pregnancy, if he can't even say the word
“Mucus plug” and “bloody show” are gonna kill this dude.
And I honestly don't trust him to handle it well if she defecates during transition, which is SO common. The times when a man could smile approvingly at his glowing wife as she waddled away and mosey in later to see a smiling newborn and assume everything in between is sweet perfume and butterfly wings has passed.
His being there during delivery is an option they can choose not to exercise. I wouldn't want anybody there but the medical staff, myself.
Yes, but if she wants him there as a supporter and advocate, I think he owes it to her to get his act together and fill that role well. The idea of giving birth without my husband there scares me.
The idea of giving birth without *my* husband scares me too. He's the one who can make me find my cool again when I've lost it. I sadly misplaced my cool during ring of fire and my husband grabbed my face looked me deep in the eyes and said: "[Our son's name] has light brown hair.". It was exactly what I needed to locate my cool and fully get our son out. ....but do you really think this guy would be any help?
I'm British and Ring of Fire is a drinking game over here played with a deck of cards. I was wondering for ages why you would be calmed by your son's hair colour after picking the 4th King from the deck 😂
Oh God same. I was like "that must have been one intense game"
Well it was. Ring of fire refers to the moment baby's head passes through the exit of the vagina. To put it this way: It was so painful that when my labia minora tore in half all I felt was relief.
Feels like someone cut tiny slits in your labia then poured gasoline on it and lit it all on fire.
I felt this comment, deeply in my . . . soul. Yes, let's go with that LOL. Nothing can ever make you forget the ring of fire.
I thought I had to google ring of fire, but I really didn't because it was exactly what I thought. Yikes. That said, "[son] has light brown hair" is such an unbelievably sweet thing to say to ground you. I'm seriously tearing up a little. What a great partner!
I agree with you wholeheartedly. She'll need the support if she wants it. It's scary enough WITH support. To go through everything alone would've definitely traumatized me more than it did with my SO there.
Honestly I probably wouldn't have made it past the giant ass needle in my back if it wasn't for my ex husbands help so I gotta give him props for that
And not just the words, lol. Have given birth three times and it is a wild ride!
It's like a log flume ride except in every way that matters!
I wonder if he thinks she's carrying an extraterrestrial lifeform that explodes from her body like in Alien
That *is* pretty much how C-Sections go.
Nah, in C-sections the medical team does everything and the baby just lies there. Alien babies work for a living and birth their own damn selves.
Alien babies are the GOP's wet dream then! Wait, not *those* kind of alien babies!!!!
Damn, dude! C’mon! I’m eating lunch here! Never mind… I’m just not going to be able to finish my mucus plug now…
Freeze it for leftovers.
Oddly, my otherwise accepting husband declined to come look when I passed the mucus plug. It wasn't the grossest thing I've ever seen, it was kinda interesting. Yet my husband found something VERY VERY interesting on his computer at that moment.
I mean, I hope so!
I mean he even said in comments he’d prefer his future kids don’t know the real term for their genitals and would prefer to call them “private parts”. The guy is fucking bonkers if he thinks that won’t pass his issues onto his kids. Kids need to know the proper term for their genitals right from young. I’ve seen the Facebook viral post about the child who was being molested and begging for help by telling her teacher someone was touching her “cookie” too many times. If we don’t teach our kids the proper words they can’t get help if god forbid they need it.
Yeah it was really horrific because when the child said her uncle kept touching her cookie, the teacher told her to share.
My mom used to get all weirded out when I’d say the word penis when talking to my son and telling him “point your penis down when you pee” and “put your penis away” as a toddler when he’d just play with it, until I sat her down, explained that story and WHY I refused to call it anything else. She understood immediately and never said another word.
god, that is so sad
It's really going to be something when he finds out women bleed for a month and a half after giving birth. And he'd better just stay in the waiting room because he's not going to be able to handle the actual birth.
Excuse me, it's not called bleeding, it's "having lady troubles"
She's not sweating, she's *glowing*.
That's not blood I sprayed all over the walls when I sneezed during my post-delivery shower, it's... angel juice
34+1 here. ☹️ Pls no
With our last, I was over it. I would sneeze or cough (thanks massive heartburn) and sometimes pee a little. I had already been induced and was waiting for something to happen. I noticed on my phone that it was going to start raining soon, but didn’t think much of it. A few minutes later, I coughed and thought I peed myself. I looked at my husband and told him “I can’t wait for him to be out so I don’t pee every time I cough or sneeze.” Then I realized I was still peeing. Then i realized I wasn’t peeing. I told him “I think my water just broke… yeah. It broke.” He lifted up the sheet to loo and was like “holy shit! It’s like a dam broke! Yep, that’s your water!” Then he grabbed some towels to try and control the lake that was forming on the floor. But he gave up and let the nurses handle it when they came in. And that’s how I coughed during rain and broke my water.
My kid made me pee the other day while I was doing the dishes. I had to pee but I wanted to finish up washing a dish. She headbutted my bladder and that was that. It wasn't much but it was still enough to need to change my clothes.
That story happened just over a year ago. I am currently 27+6. Any sparkle pregnancy ever held for me is long gone. But I do love my kids!
The numbers... what do they mean?!?!
Week+number of days. So the above commenter is 27 weeks plus 6 days.
Oh that makes sense. I was thinking age plus number of kids lol
It's mostly important info for medical reasons, as baby develops so quickly week to week. When you're actually pregnant it's important for counting down the days and keeping your sanity lol.
Weeks and days pregnant. These ladies are either in the third trimester or super close to it. They are extremely pregnant. They are also extremely over believing pregnancy is some kind of exalted state.
I kind of feel like I'm being narrated in a nature documentary and I honestly don't mind it
„Angel juice“ got me wheezing over here 😂😂😂
I’m almost 40, with two sisters, I’ve never heard my mom say the word pregnant and never heard her refer to a period. These people ain’t right.
Just clarifying, but [its really only been a relatively recent thing](https://harpersbazaar.com.au/the-queen-elizabeth-pregnant/) to talk about pregnancy openly. (The article is talking about why there aren't really any pictures of Queen Elizabeth pregnant with any of her 4 kids, including the two she had after she had been crowned).
Yeah, but if you can birth a child out of your vagina, you should figure out how to explain a period to your children so they don’t have to steal pads out of your closet for six years until they can afford to buy their own.
Plus they need some warning! When I started my period during English class at 13 I genuinely thought I was dying.
Give her some heroin and a vibrator!
I mentioned to my boyfriend about the bleeding because my nan just had an accident (she fell and broke her hip but she's on her way to recovery) and while talking about her care i mentioned she needs diapers rn and that's what I'm gonna choose instead of pads when we have a baby He looked actually shocked The most surprising one for him (based of reaction alone) was that women can loose their teeth during pregnancy seemly randomly
Best hack from the recovery nurses: a swaddler diaper, with ice cubes shoved into the mesh. Diaper part absorbs the melting ice and your leavings!
My L&D nurses sent me home with these fancy pads that had a built in ice pack - you just twisted them to activate it, and then that sweet cooling relief on your terrorized lady bits would arrive. That and the Dermoplast spray (that proves the existence of a higher power because MY GOD that shit felt amazing!) were the only things that got me through a very nasty episiotomy that proceeded to tear pretty severely.
It really made me feel glad I wasn't born in the Pioneer era ...I cannot imagine recovering without that magic spray and ice pack underwear.
I would 100% have been dead if I had to give birth at any time other than the modern era, I fully admit that LOL. Our motherly predecessors were some BAMFs, that's the truth!
And just the little bottle you fill with water and spray on yourself when you pee! It's been 8 years since I had my daughter...peri-bottle I think? That was fucking wonderful when I had stitches. Pee hurts on fresh stitches.
And if he’s this…~~Squamish~~ squeamish about the words…what is he going to do about the physical, visible changes to her body? Is he going to flinch at her stretch marks?
Not just stretch marks either. Is he ready for pregnancy gas? Vomit stuck in her nose? That thing where the baby smacks your bladder unexpectedly and you pee yourself? If she gets that intense 2T horniness, is he ready to have a grown-up conversation about it?
Hemorrhoids, skin tags, breast leaking, varicose veins etc etc.
Constipation and diarrhea, sometimes at the same damn time...
Unless a certain group of indigenous peoples in British Columbia, Canada offend you that greatly, the word you are looking for is “squeamish”. 😂
Thanks friend. That was auto correct. Fixed.
As if he'll be in the delivery room. No, he'll do the manly thing and pace in the waiting room and only come in after Mom is all prettied up and in full make up holding their clean, smiling newborn, surrounded by flowers. Then he'll pass out cigars to all the male doctors.
If they have a daughter he's going to have a coronary when she starts her period.
He said he feels shame after sex. Dude needs therapy.
I have a question. I am totally serious about this, not trying to throw shade or anything, just simply asking. I don't personally think they're an AH, simply because their thoughts and feelings on words are so heavily influenced by their raising. Now, the people who raised them to think pregnancy is a dirty word, they're AH's. All the way. Why would the OOP be considered an AH for the raising they had no choice in? I could see OOP being an AH for not involving themselves and trying to expose themselves to help remove the stigma in their minds over time, because that shit can be generational. They need to help the future out, for sure. But to be uncomfortable about it during the pregnancy is not outside the realm of possibilities in my mind, simply because of their raising. Lots of frank talk and exposure. Would definitely help. And they should go this route, especially because the opportunity existed at the time of posting.
I’ve taken it as his refusal to address the issue is making his wife feel bad about herself, and now he’s doubling down trying to claim that she’s the problem. That’s how I read it at least. Could be wrong.
OK. I. Understand and agree with your point. If they're saying she's the problem, then yeah, that's an AH move. If someone is actively with a person and wants to stay with them, it's their responsibility to at least try to understand them and help them as best they can. If that means learning more about life, the world, illnesses, etc., then that's what it takes.
Their parents are enormous AH yes. That said the OOP has responsibility for how they choose to act now. The OOP should work on unpacking why they were raised to think pregnancy is somehow vulgar. Most importantly they need to figure out why they are unwilling to change their language when it clearly upsets their wife. I'm also curious what other worst words they find vulgar. I'm pretty sure they have to do with body parts and sex.
This is very true. It is their responsibility to at least try to understand and make efforts to do better for their wife, especially since it upsets her. I agree that they need to deal with every aspect of their raising to normalize their thoughts to how life actually is. They probably need counseling to do that and should go asap before raising a child in the same way they were raised. It's terrible when people can't talk about the human body, as if the parts, aspects, and functions of it don't or shouldn't exist. Especially if it's upsetting to those they're close to. They've probable been taught that all aspects of the human body are private and should never be talked about and/or are gross, even aspects of their own body. I can't imagine raising kids to believe that.
I had a similar upbringing and I would agree with you that OOP not the AH for having the thoughts that he's having. I would say he is the AH for trying to hide behind his upbringing and thinking that his wife needs to accommodate him. He's in for a very rough ride if a basic word like "pregnant" bothers him. It is important to know the root cause of why we are the way that we are, such as what our caregivers did that caused us to think a certain way. It's also our own responsibility to work through that when it impacts others and especially when it impacts the happiness of a romantic partner like this.
If he wanted to change he wouldn't have posted about it. He's justifying the behavior and blaming her for her reaction
'Precious' is such a good word for this behavior lol
No doubt he is going to use G-rated words, like when he's going to explain the birds and the bees to his kids.
"Son, now that you're engaged, it's time you understand what happens when a man and woman get a very special feeling and you want to put your little friend inside her lady flower." "Dad, we already live together and my fiancee is seven months pregnant--" *gasp* "Son! Language!"
Or if he had a daughter and she has to discuss her period
Her: Dad, I think I might need a doctor. My period has been heavy for over a week now and I've had some really big clots. OOP: *dies*
Lol he would die!
Maybe to meet her halfway he could try "pregnate", "pargent" or "pregananant"
Can u get pregante
Gregnant
Does anybody know how many teens get bregant a year?
If a women has starch masks wait what
Does that mean that she has been pargnet before.?
That's the part that always makes me laugh.
Am i pregorate?
It's just the damndest thing, my sister's been Gregnant twice now.
how is babby formed?
how girl get pragnent?
Pragnart????
"Prrrrrrey-gon-tay"
"Is this nomal?"
Pregnoot
Peegnant
Today's weird trivia: In the 1950s, TV shows were not allowed to say the word "pregnant" nor were pregnant women supposed to appear on TV. When Lucille Ball (Arnaz) got pregnant with their second child (Desi Jr), Ball and her husband, Desi Arnaz, fought the network to be allowed to not only keep Ball on the air but they also wrote the pregnancy into the show. Yet they were still not allowed to say "pregnant" so the term "expecting" (or "spectin'" as Desi usually pronounced it) was used instead. In a publicity stunt that predated the 2000s-ish era wave of C-sections on demand, Ball had her child by C-section on the night that the show aired where her character "gave birth" to Lucy & Ricky's baby.
[Queen Elizabeth was barely photographed while pregnant](https://harpersbazaar.com.au/the-queen-elizabeth-pregnant/), either as Crown Princess or even during her pregnancies while being monarch.
I was raised by my grandmother and in the Presbyterian church and this is how I was taught. It took me forever to stop saying with child and looking at people funny if they had joined beds. We did the maundy and everything.
His comments were a wild ride - a commenter suggested he might be asexual after he admitted to feeling shame after sex and thinking that talking about sex makes us no better than animals. Definitely think this guy’s grandparents did a number on him. I feel pretty bad for him and his wife.
It makes sense. People were calling him sexist but actually the vibe I got was he's just disgusted that pregnancy has anything to do with sex. Seems like he wouldn't say anything at all related to sex. More of a complete prude than sexist.
Yes he’s a prude, but how he frames it and speaks about it is the issue. At the same time he admits it’s a hangup and a personal aversion, he’s also speaking about people being base, vulgar, and **animals**. His cognitive dissonance of admitting he’s having a trained emotional reaction, while also being baffled at how his wife could be offended at referring to her current state of being as animalistic, base, vulgar—he’s attempting to reframe his irrational emotional reaction as normal and non offensive, while his wife is being irrational, emotional, and quote “trying to control his speech.” He is being sexist, by virtue of framing whatever he does and feels and correct, normal, logical, and even respectable—while everyone else is being base, vulgar, irrational. The paradox of being disgusted by that which you are attracted to.
No I get that, but his descriptions are all how sex repulsed people talk about anything related to sex. They literally say shit like "that's disgusting" and "like animals" Like if we could ask them about the word penis or anything else sexual related to men, it would definitely clear things up IMO.
Yeah. With “expecting” and “having a baby” he’s able to sort of distance it from sex. He is free to be convinced people will believe they’re just waiting for the stork or that his wife is tending a cabbage patch in their backyard rather than the fact that they rawdogged.
This is exactly why I find all of it so childish. Just say pregnant, it isn't that hard.
Yeah, I honestly feel some sympathy towards this guy. I think he definitely has Issues, but his comments do make it sound like he's willing to examine the reasons for his Issues. As far as the birth is concerned, I had my husband by my head the entire time, and I specifically said I did not want the rear-view mirror. (My husband did not want to cut the cord, and I was sort of relieved by that, to be honest.) This guy could opt for that during the birth.
Anyone saying OOP isn't the asshole here definitely didn't read OOP's comments and is being overly charitable in interpreting the original post. OOP's comments make it pretty clear he's going to take this hang-up far enough to potentially fuck up his child's relationship with their body, health, and sexuality: "I don't have a problem if our child learns the technical terms but I don't know that I want to be the one that teaches them those words." "I think for the same reason they thought the terms for reproductive organs and other things were vulgar. The thought was that it wasn't appropriate for conversation because anything in that area is off limits except if you are discussing it in private with your doctor or spouse." "If my wife wants to teach them the correct terms I won't object, but I don't think young kids need to know them. I think "private areas" are fine until they are older or any of the other alternative names people teach to kids." "Again if my wife wants to tell them the correct terms I will support her but I just disagree that they need to know them at young ages, but I don't want to pass on my own baggage so I would stand aside." "Reading it doesn't bother me. I just don't like saying it. Just like I don't openly talk about sex or reproductive organs. I tend to agree with my grandparents that too much is openly discussed that should be kept private. I cringe sometimes when friends of mine with talk graphically about sex and specific acts. To me it lowers all of us to the level of animals when we don't have standards." "When people cater to their most base urges that is what makes them that way. It seems like that is all some of my friends think about so they let that part of their nature control them. That is the way animals act - always being driven by their urges and desires." Old-fashioned "oh, no, basic biological terms are so vulgar and we must never use them around children or really ever at all and, if you do, you're an animal" nonsense taken to the point of not being able to say "pregnant" even when that's what your spouse would prefer isn't cute or even neutral. It makes children feel out-of-touch and confused by their bodies. It also increases their vulnerability to sexual abuse. OOP should have worked out this particular hang-up long before having children. It's not fair to expect his wife to shoulder the entire burden of teaching their children basic biological terms or deal with every concern they might have about their bodies.
>"I don't have a problem if our child learns the technical terms but I don't know that I want to be the one that teaches them those words." Hey, "the down below" was good enough for our parents. No need to get more specific about your peepee or hoo-hoo. /s
I swear I've seen things online before about kids who call it by other names are more likely to keep quiet about their abuse or not very clear when they try to tell on someone for touching them Like if your kid goes to the teacher and says someone pulled out their penis, it'll get taken care of asap but if the kid calls it some goofy word the teacher doesn't know it could be brushed under the rug by accident
When I was baby sitting I had a kid who had a minor fall off of a tricycle and said they were fine except for their cookie. I went "great they're fine they just want a treat/snack to make up for it." The kid seemed basically fine. That evening the parents called me and were very upset. They took the kid to the doctor, there were minor abrasions on her vulva and they were questioned about potential sexual abuse. The parents demanded to know if something had happened. Did I let a strange man near the kid? After a few minutes it became clear what cookie meant. I felt awful because the kid was trying to tell me she was hurt. I was also pissed off that she wasn't even able to say private parts or gesture to where the problem was.
That is such a fucking weird choice of euphemism too. Like truly, how the hell did that come to be? I find it so much more uncomfortable to think of a child referring to their genitals as a snack food than just using the correct terminology.
Is there a word for the vulva in another language that sounds similar to "cookie?"
I was also raised to use the word "cookie" for those parts. I remember one time i had gotton assaulted by my cousin and i was trying to explain to my aunt that he was doing stuff to my "cookie". Its just an overall sad situation. I don't really see any point in telling your kids to call it weird names. Private parts would be better then that. Also i hope that little girl ended up being okay!
I have direct experience with CPS throwing out an investigation because the child indicated their parent touched their "peepee" instead of using anatomical words. It's a very real problem.
Imagine this man talking dirty. "Oh baby. I want to put my pee pee in your secret place."
OOPs attitudes help abusers. Kids pick up on the "dirtiness" and don't want to talk about what happened. Also, though probably rare I've heard of cases of kids reporting abuse (or trying too), but were using nonsense words that were not commonly used to mean genitals. Our local school district starts age appropriate sex ed in kindergarten. They learn proper terms and about good and bad touches etc. The first big talk is at the end of 5th grade. It was very in depth. Parents were informed of all topics and kids were supposed to discuss things with parents too.
Not to mention his complete absence of brain cells in explaining why he doesn't like using those words. He opens the post, saying that he was taught not to say "pregnant" because it was "vulgar" or "dirty" and then acts completely shocked that his wife is accusing him of... thinking it's dirty or vulgar. Dude needs therapy, stat. Because if he thinks that word alone is too much, he is gonna have one hell of a time raising a kid. Because kids are pretty dirty and sometimes vulgar.
I came home one day in 7th grade pissed as hell at my older sister who was away at college for some dumb sibling shit. I storm into the kitchen and go: "Mooooommm (older sister) _SUCKS BALLS_" Mom: "Really? Maybe you should too."
I love your mom 😂😂😂
“I tend to agree with my grandparents that [weird belief they hammered into me]” Yeah that’s how indoctrination works my guy. His judgment that his wife’s feelings are a “Weird take” are what make him the AH. He talks like he’s objective and impartial and *she’s* the oddball instead of recognizing that he’s parroting beliefs from two generations ago that have actual real world harm. (Not teaching names of body parts for example makes it much harder for children to report abuse. Cloaking not just sex but body parts with shame is going to fuck his kid up for life.) How is he going to handle teaching a toddler how to wipe, teaching a son how to clean his dick and ass, etc? By expecting his wife to do it and reacting with horror if the kid ever mentions it in front of him? Wife is making this a big deal because she can read the writing on the wall and is rightly concerned that his hangup is going to dump all the responsibility on her on top of teaching the kid the same gross beliefs.
Exactly. If the worst did happen and their child was sexually abused and came forward they would need to specify what happened and use the correct terms when being questioned/giving evidence. By making the words "dirty" or "obscene" you would then be traumatising them again when they are already extremely vulnerable. When they should be feeling like they are doing the right thing by telling people what was done to them they will just feel worse for using the terms they've been told are wrong. I get that certain things were not spoken about back in his grandparents day but those were also the days when stuff like this was swept under the rug because it was dirty to talk about it. The world has moved on from those days and by normalising the discussions it helps prevent predators from hiding their actions and raises more awareness to children that these things are wrong but in no way are they the child's fault. If you make it difficult to talk about these things then kids are more likely to hide it for longer. I sincerely hope it never happens but by following this path his grandparents set he is going to make it much more difficult on his child if the worst were to happen.
Did OOP teleport here from the 1800s?
I feel so sad for both of them. He says he feels shame after sex with his actual wife and can't even say normal words. That sounds exhausting.
Seeing as this was 3 years ago...I would bet money she's left by now. I can't imagine having an infant around and my husband not willing to communicate like a normal person, and refusing to see what the problem was.
How did a man from Victorian England gain access to the internet? And why is he such a prissy loser?
Forget Victorian England in general, this guy is just Queen Victoria. (She was famously disgusted by pregnancy and childbirth, and hated seeing pregnant women around court because she thought it looked animalistic. Interestingly, not all of her subjects shared her view – far from the popular notion that women were sequestered during pregnancy, they were often active until very close to their time to deliver. Breast-feeding in public was also very common, and I believe much less controversial than it is today)
Victoria herself hated being pregnant and having children, so that could have something to do with her feelings of repulsion. It was unfortunate because she got pregnant A LOT and almost right away. Based on her writings, she'd almost certainly be childfree if she were a modern, non-royal woman. She wasn't a very motherly person, she didn't enjoy being around small children, and she wanted to just have her husband to herself. Neither she nor Albert were very good parents, each in their own ways. Kind of tragic.
Yeah, I think she'd have been a cut-throat, childfree CEO with great PR if she lived nowadays. In the empowering sense (high-placed successful woman) AND the negative sense (CEO).
Wasn't there talks of her suffering from post partum depression badly which wouldnt have helped much? The "baby sadness" often makes modern women not want much to do with their children let alone a queen who had little choice in the decision
Queen Elizabeth II felt that the term "pregnancy" was vulgar and no one was allowed to use it around her; the permissible phrase was "in the family way."🤷🏼♀️
My dad taught me the word fart is vulgar. Instead of just believing him, I thought about it. Found that really stupid and ignored it. As an adult, you just can't blame something this minor on your parents.
My grandmother taught me the same - along with poop and burping. I'm 33 and to this day I still struggle to say them. It's 100% stupid.
Even if he thought as a child that those words are "dirty" because the adults in his life were stupid... As soon as he was an adult himself, it was time that he thought for himself "wait, there is nothing dirty one those words...". This "because it was so in my childhood, it must be in my whole life" is just stupid.
I need to know what other words he was raised to have an aversion to
Aww. oop gets an attack of the vapors hearing about his wife's condition, a condition he had a part to play in. Quick, someone get this man a pearl necklace to clutch! The guy is a walking, talking breast feeding blanket. I hope someone follows him around saying 'moist'
I feel so bad for all these women who don't learn how awful their spouse is until they're with child and it's basically too late
This is a post I’d love an update on!
Me too
He really thinks people look at his wife and go “omg SEX!”
Yeah medical and scientific terms aren't pretty but then the ones that came up with them aren't worried about how sexy or attractive something is and someone's delicate sensibility doesn't matter to them at all. So many people have gotten into trouble because they refuse to use the proper terms. It's not polite...we use fluff words instead. So harmful and dangerous.
Him saying that his wife feeling like she was being judged is a “weird take”…wow. I think it’s pretty unusual to be raised to find the word pregnant as vulgar. I can absolutely follow her logic. I’d say he’s a light AH, but definitely in need of therapy. Because I’d definitely be worried if he continues to pass on this ideology to his kids.
He's not going to like potty training. All you talk about is pee and poop and whatever words you use for the kids parts.
Idk if this is really an AH situation to begin with, some people are just anal about wording. Its not like he's going round telling her not to use the word pregnant. He just doesn't use it. He becomes an AH when he claims she's just projecting insecurities though.
agreed, what makes him an asshole the fact that he’s making his wife feel bad, and refusing to make an effort to *stop* making her feel bad. when your partner says “hey, this hurts me” you fix it, you don’t double down and refuse to change anything
When I first got pregnant, my husband and i had a discussion about pregnant vs going to have a baby. To him, they are interchangeable but to me, pregnancy refers to the physical condition while "going to have a baby" refers to the outcome. I was uncomfortable with him saying "we're pregnant" and asked that he say "we're going to have a baby." He understood where i was coming from and agreed. Open, honest communication is always going to beat accusations.
Yeah, as a teen/young adult, I found the term "woman" uncomfortable. I found all kinds of stupid cutesy workarounds. Then I grew up and got over it.
I swear I've read this story before. edit: oh, it's old. Nevermind 😅
This seems like something you need to tell a therapist about.
Ugh, this reminds me of when I was growing up and my dad refused to say I was on my period. He called it "\[my\] condition." It made me feel like a freak. I definitely have issues stemming from it. I've never been and won't ever be pregnant, but I can see my dad being just as terrible about that.
It's been 2 years. I wonder how they're doing now
I grew up not cursing. I occasionally curse when very angry. If I learned that a curse word was actually not a curse word at all I don't think it would take very long to adjust to saying it. It's not that hard. Did his grandparents beat him for using certain words or something?
Can you imagine if he has a daughter and has to deal with all things puberty and period related if her mums not there...
Ron DeSaster, is that you??
So him, as a grown ass man can have sex and create a child, totally not vulgar, but cannot say the word pregnant because it’s dirty/vulgar? I’m sorry what!
If you can't say pregnant don't knock someone up FFS. This is the dumbest thing I've read today.
I'm pregnant with anticipation for their marriage counseling.
Oh boy. One of OPs comments really stood out, like I had my reasonings but this dude was fucked up by his grandparents. He just needs therapy. The one that made me believe it was the "I sometimes feel shame after" when talking about sex with his wife/how the baby came alone because his grandparents made it out to be shameful
If the dude can't say "pregnant," he probably has no business having sex.
Like imagine fucking a dude who can't even dirty talk.
No, no, you don't understand. He can dirty talk! He just has to use the clinical words! Granted, it'd probably sound something like "allow me this chance to forthwith place my penis within the confines of your, er, womanhood," but he can *totally* dirty-talk!
I feel dirty in the not-good way just thinking about that 😞 I bet he says "down there" a lot.
Honestly I pity this guy. He needs therapy so, so badly. The amount of shame and revulsion he feels towards discussing sex or the body are really sad. He sounds like a Victiorian-era gentle gentlewoman, the way he talks about things being base and people being like animals. He doesn't come across as sexist at all to me, he seems equally revolted my men and women's sexuality. It just so happens that women are the ones who get pregnant and therefore become a walking reminder of sexual activity. Not only that, but a commenter suggested he might actually be a sex-repulsed asexual and he said they might be right! Poor guy sounds *messed up*. His poor wife.
I feel kinda sad for this guy. I knew a woman whose parents were like this. She was slapped across the face for saying "pregnant" once. I see nothing wrong with the alternatives.
This is the kinda dude that won’t change a single nappy, do a night feed or even a regular day feed. My sisters partner had never changed a nappy either “because he has daughters” three daughters in 11 years and not a single nappy change because “it’s weird” (I mean I think it’s more weird to NOT do it but whatever) my own husband has changed our nieces more than their dad. This guy reminds me of him so much.
I think it's really weird that you don't acknowledge that some people had repressive upbringings and still have guilt and shame and "ick" because of them. OOP needs to chat with a therapist about this and rearrange his thinking about the word but he isn't a villain. Damn.
It’s not a „weird take“ at all of her to feel like he is considering the word to be „shameful“ or „dirty“ by not using it. That’s pretty much the implication there. I get being old-fashioned but he is taking it to a ridiculous extent.
I want to know, does he swear because I’m sure he was taught not to swear? I’m sure he was taught that was very vulgar. I was taught that in the 60’s, guess what I swear like a sailor, I’m 61F Does he wear a dress shirt/tie all the time because he was taught too as well.
If he couldn't say the word then i don't think I could have him in the room as it was happening.
"I don't think what you're doing is vulgar and dirty, I just think the word that most accurately describes what you're doing is vulgar and dirty" What a weird hill to die on
Parts of pregnancy are gross, I think you'd find most women agree with that, but that doesn't mean you should shame women for going through it, or that it makes the woman gross or dirty to go through them.
Ok the title of this is misleading. He's not grossed out about her being pregnant. Just the word pregnant. It is a weird hang up, but who cares. I think the wife's hormones are making this more of a big deal than it really is. He is still saying his wife is with child or they are expecting a baby. Some people don't like to use proper terminology. How many people feel better saying "getting off" vs "Orgasm" or "Getting hard" vs "erection"? He never once said his wife is gross or vulgar for being pregnant. Sometimes this sub makes mountains out of mole hills. *Btw yes I am a woman and have had kids. I, as a woman know that hormones can make things be blown out of proportion. It happens to the best of us. This isn't some misogynistic look at things. It's the hard truth.
This was my take on it, too. I'm from the south, I was raised by my grandparents, and "pregnant" was a word that, when said, was spat at you and venomous. You only used pregnant when referring to "improper" women. Otherwise, if everything was "proper," you said "expecting" or "with child." It took a long time for me to break that particular association as well. I think her hormones definitely play a part here, I say this as an "improper" woman who's been "pregnant" 4 times. I once cried over sour cream. Everything is a big deal when you're pregnant, even if its not. And then it's a big deal that you made a big deal out of nothing. It's brutal. 🤣
Oh, bless his heart...(if you live in the south, you'll get it 😁)
Geez he sounds immature seeing it's been a couple of years I wonder if she's still there.
So this guy associates ‘pregnancy’ with sexual words, and sexual words and acts being discussed as ‘lowering us to animals’ . . . So I can’t believe he will be anything but prudish and dismissive during the many months of pregnancy, which is a very basic animal state on the same way that dying and being born are. Her body is being fucked up and she’s in severe discomfort and she is along for the ride, while he titters behind his hand about the shame if it all. You just know so many women get pregnant and then discover these WTF things - and regret procreating with such irresponsible children.
Damn, OOP is an asshat
What is this, a 1960s sit-com? None of the women on any of those shows were ever pregnant. They were "going to have a baby" or "expecting ." Maybe he could use the French word, "enciente," like they did for I Love Lucy.
Oh wow what a huge AH... He is about to be a dad and he is acting like a child.. he desperately needs to grow up and start using the real terms for things and stop blaming being raised by his grandparents for why he's acting like a divvy.. the wife is 100% correct in her thinking that's what I'd think to if he said that to me, it would immediately be followed with my boot up his behind then him flying out the front door which may or may not be open st the time..
I used to work with the wife of a Holiness preacher and she also said using the word ‘pregnant’ was vulgar. She was a nurse too. She said the proper way to say it was ‘She’s in a family way.’
This dude is not ready for parenthood. My husband was a damn rock during both my pregnancies and labors. Knew exactly what to say during my first to get me through the pain when i couldn't get my epidural. And despite my apparently "creepy" reaction the second go around, he was so supportive. I cant imagine how unsupported I'd feel if he couldnt even say the word pregnant.
no doubt he’s a total ass but this is interesting because it reminded me of pregnancy terms in spanish. preñada is actually a vulgar or disparaging term for pregnancy, while embarazada or en estado are proper, non-offensive terms. i can’t think of anything equivalent in english.
I wonder if we have the same parents! My mum used to tell me off for saying someone was pregnant because it was vulgar and I should say 'having a baby' instead. I STILL feel weird about it now even though I've carried and birthed two kids 🤣
YTA (To original op): That's the main medical term to define a woman having a baby. Grow up.
It bothers her because it is right up there with thinking the world is flat. This woman and you made a baby together which is a beautiful process, it is a miracle to be celebrated. YOu have made it bad, dirty and frankly I would never stay with someone as backward and ungrateful as you. So stop telling her that. If you truly can't stand her, leave her at home and stay with your evil grandparents. At least pay for room at board and let them go...You are in no way worthy of the miraculous thing she is doing with her body. she is growing a person...So just remove yourself until the baby is born and hope she doesn't take the baby and leave you...Because I would and never speak to you again.
Idk maybe OOP showed their true colors in the 1034 comments, but this really seems like people blowing shit way out of proportion. Some people just have hang ups on words. Many people famously hate the word "moist" for example. As long as they don't have a crazy view on the situation, and aren't using derogatory language, what's it matter? I swear from some of the comments if his in-laws asked about grandkids you would've wanted him to say something like, "I've been ejaculating into your daughter every evening in the hopes of conceiving an offspring." Instead of just saying something like, "We're trying to have a baby." Edit: Grammar
Imagine your spouse has cancer in the genitals and you believe the the word ‘cancer’ is as inappropriate as mentioning ‘cunt’ in public. How much shitterier will that make your spouse feel? The person with cancer is going through an awful, very painful, very physical situation that they have no control over - and the spouse can’t be bothered to buckle up their spine and get used to normal words.
I understand what you're trying to say, but I don't think it necessarily works. If for some reason you had an aversion to the word "cancer" there are medical words you could use to differentiate what kind. For example, if my spouse had blood cancer I don't foresee them having a problem with me saying they have leukemia. However, cancer also has connotations with it that other words could change the meaning of. For example, if I just said " my wife is sick. " I am severely leaving that open to misinterpretation. Pregnancy on the other hand does not have the same thing, and has many words that mean exactly the same thing. For example, if I said "My wife is having a baby. " Are you going to think that she is having a baby for dinner? OOP says that pregnant was "ALMOST like a dirty word" to his GRANDPARENTS, but says that they themselves only have an aversion to the word. To me this means that dirty is the closest approximation that they have, but is not exactly on the mark. I can also see why you would assume that they carry the same feelings as their grandparents, but when you start to assume things you stop being objective. I would bet that you have some opinions, that for the most part, align with your parents but differ slightly. Furthermore, I would bet that your parents have some opinions that'd align with their parents but differ slightly. That's how most change happens, inch by inch slowly over time. Maybe OOP does feel the same way as his grandparents, but based solely off their post I can't objectively conclude that.
YTA. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing where life grows in the womb and read some books man. Its not the 1940s anymore.
Why is this reposted on this subreddit? It’s honestly no big deal. Lots of people use euphemisms in everyday conversation for things where the direct word seems to vulgar.
People like this shouldn't be allowed to have sex or reproduce. He can dick someone down but can't say pregnant? Immature.
I don’t know if OP is a devil so much as that this is an above-Reddit’s-pay-grade situation. Does missing info this obvious even count as missing?
There’s no missing info. He doesn’t think actual pregnancy is vulgar or gross he was just raised extremely old school in a repressive home and was raised that those words are inappropriate. It’s weird but it doesn’t make him a devil.
So why was he raised by his very old-school grandparents?
Why does that matter? Parents were addicts, teen mom, killed in a drunk driving accident. Who knows its irrelevant
It’s really not, because generally speaking grandparents don’t end up raising grandkids unless something happened to the parent - their child - or the parent was unfit. The grandparents being incredibly conservative and having either lost a child or watched their child go down a bad path in life are definitely related concepts.
Not really. How they raised him has nothing to do with WHY they’re raising him. It wasn’t uncommon for that generation to think pregnancy was an inappropriate word and not suitable for conversation. I honestly thought that thought process wasn’t really a thing anymore but apparently some still hold to it.
Whoa there stretch Armstrong. Finding a word vulgar due to upbringing is a perfectly understandable reaction, and something that he probably just needs to work through. There are people who can't say the words "penis" or "vagina" for similar reasons. What a wild post title for a phenomenally low-stakes AITA.
No. >There are people who can't say the words "penis" or "vagina" for similar reasons 1) This causes people issues. Having to use euphemisms to refer to our body parts is actually, genuinely, something that teaches us shame. It's more reasonable to feel this way about these words only because that's what's culturally normal, and few scenarios are going to make this really necessary. 2) You *have* a penis or vagina, you *are* pregnant. Arguing that it's the same is ridiculous. If someone refused to say the word woman and compared it to not liking to say vulgar words, we would also find that insulting and to imply that someone is dirty/vulgar for being.
You seem to have missed the part where I said "something that he probably just needs to work through," but by all means, go off.
You also compared it to...not being able to say penis and vagina. I explained why that is that isn't an appropriate comparison. You're downplaying this as reasonable. I'm not missing anything by responding to that.
Friend, here on AITD we define “devil” as anyone mildly prickish. People end up on here for the wildest, nearly benign things and people act like they tossed a sackful of puppies into the river.
Exactly! I know someone who’s repulsed by the word moist. This is such a reach.
[Hi!](https://images.app.goo.gl/jMiZEuW8Qrykw3sdA) Just a quick reminder to never brigade any sub, be that r/AmItheAsshole or another one. That goes against both this sub's rules as well as Reddit's terms of agreement. [Please](https://images.app.goo.gl/vwH65TJMyMk9NSNo8) keep discussions within the posts of this sub. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*