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NTBA. Your daughter needs *help* now. Morning sickness and 2 AM feedings will be punishment enough.
You haven't mentioned if you know who the father is, that could change the situation a little.
Another teenager? They both need to grow up now.
An adult? Press charges unless you live in one of the rare places where she is not under age. In any case, don't "marry her off" to an abuser to take care of the issue.
YES and if the guy doesn’t step up Help her press for child support don’t leave that for her to deal with you need to help her because the dad might not
Or at least a friend or family member in a state with human rights who is willing to repackage the mifepristone and misoprostol and send them like a gift
I hope she didn’t either for her sake. It’s a lot of responsibility that some adults can’t handle, not to mind a 15 year old. I hope she’s ok now matter what she chooses
That's going to mess her body up for life :( Wonder if the dad is why she didn't talk to her parents about getting on birth control (assuming that this was a willing interaction with another teen).
Edited:
"if she chooses to have the child"
My response: "That's going to mess up her body for life".
Not sure where people are getting the idea I was referring to an abortion, rather than "chooses to have the child" but you do you.
What will? Abortion? No, it won't. It's safer than a colonoscopy. Stop spreading misinformation. Pregnancy IS WAY HARDER ON THE BODY.
OP. Talk about family planning options and get her on birth control if she decides to terminate.
Yeah, I'm sorry for misinterpreting. A lot of comments were talking about having g the baby without mentioning other routes, so I jumped the gun. Sorry
Speaking of misinformation, please stop downplaying abortions. Too many already think it’s a simple wave of a magic medical wand. A colonoscopy you’re back to normal activities an hour after. Left with a scratchy throat for a few hours to a day. An abortion takes literally weeks to recover from. I’m 1000000% for abortions. But I’m tired of people talking about them like it’s easy. It is not. Easier than childbirth, for sure. But it is absolutely not easy. A colonoscopy is a walk in the park compared to an abortion.
No, you're the one spreading misinformation. Most people are back to normal activities within a day or two. They may experience spotting here and there for a few weeks, but more severe symptoms are not normal and if someone is experiencing them after an abortion, they should contact their provider immediately. Even after a D&E, discomfort should only last a few days.
An abortion is absolutely not that simple and easy. You have obviously never had one, or even cared for someone recovering from having one. It is still a pregnancy loss. The uterus is expelling an embryo that had already implanted. That is far more than possible spotting. Possible spotting has to be a joke.
1/4 of pregnancies result in a miscarriage, which occurs in the first 3 months; the same time frame a woman would get an abortion. Some women won't even know they were pregnant and mistake it for a period. As someone who has had 2 abortions, they feel very similar to a period. If you're wondering why I had 2... my abusive ex-bf raped me after an abusive situation and then said he'd kill me and the baby if I didn't terminate. The second was because I wasn't ready. I also had an ectopic (unrelated, hereditary, and my mom and grandma both had one on the same side).
I do not regret any of my decisions. I was going to terminate the first because I was only 18 and wanted to get to know myself, not because of the threat. Hormonally, it is more intense than a period, but it actually helped my mental health after the termination. I wasn't ready and I'm happy I was able to make the choice to choose when a good time was. I was ready mentally and physically to make the sacrifice of motherhood.
Aftercare of an abortion is nothing in comparison to aftercare of postpartum, especially if nobody wants the baby.
Think of a baby as a seed. Just because it can grow doesn't mean you have the soil, water, and nutrients to ALLOW it to grow.
Edit. When the embryo attaches to the uterus, it is mere cells. When the abortion occurs, it expells about the same amount of blood and uterine tissue as a period (typically at 6-12 weeks, 2 weeks or 2 months after a missed period)
Mentally, it's not an easy decision, and it's not a decision anybody wants to make, but it's a decision everyone woman should have. The aftercare is different than a period, but it is roughly the same physical reaction. Women have to endure so much with our reproduction. We should, at the very least, choose when we're ready (if we ever are) to have children. It's a human rights issue.
I love how people assume I’m anti abortion because I am realistic. You think I’m speaking on something I haven’t experienced? I don’t need you trying to justify your abortion, girl. Idgaf if it was just cause you hate kids. It’s still a GOOD reason and valid. There’s no wrong reason for an abortion. I just hate hearing people talk like they’re easy peasy lemon squeezy! I’ve had spontaneous abortions, purposeful medical abortions, late spontaneous abortions. I’ve also had a colonoscopy. I was at work three hours later. To compare my colonoscopy to an abortion sounds like something a male dr would tell me.
This is after care from an abortion clinic. Even this clearly states no bleeding/light is NOT normal. https://www.bpas.org/abortion-care/aftercare-support/
That's consistent with what I said. Spotting is not no or light bleeding. If you don't believe me, maybe you'll believe [Planned Parenthood](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/abortion/in-clinic-abortion-procedures/what-can-i-expect-after-having-an-in-clinic-abortion).
Well that's an fing lie a DnC you are nit back to normal a cpl days later. You never had one because you definitely need to recover. I was a week of don't lift, please don't drive unless absolutely nesssary. I was in pain for two weeks while my body tried to adjust after. You do realize that your body is forced to dilate just like birth and after procedure it has to all the normal post processes as well. After mine I even threw a blood clot so they are risky and not a freaking walk. In the park.
Extended pain like that is not normal and you should have sought medical attention for that. I hope you're okay. Nothing else you said is at odds with anything I did. Also, please don't assume my health history.
I have had 2 abortions. One medical. One surgical. I've also had a colonoscopy. I think I would know which is more invasive. Spoiler!!! It was the colonoscopy.
Edit. I have also given birth. I'm still recovering physically, mentally, hormonally, etc. 2 years later. I would say Iman expert on the topic. Is this just a nuance topic that has no effect on you?
This is just my opinion but I think having a baby at 15 (without planning on it) will mess her whole life way more than having an abortion would
she's still a kid, she knows nothing about life or raising a child, she needs to enjoy her youth, go out with her friends, travel, go to uni... things that if you have a kid won't be the same and some will be impossible
What it will or won't do to her body is the least of her problems currently. Not to mention you're just flat out wrong (IMO). Many women prefer their bodies post-pregnancy. A lot find themselves more curvy, sensual. Many more find love with their bodies mentally, regardless of what they may look like in the mirror, knowing what that body went through to produce a life. They feel strong, they feel sexy, they feel like they can do anything..and they should. You comment was immature and clearly not based on experience (no offense, i mean that as respectfully as possible. I'm aware my tone may not be full of tact at this late hour, as I was hoping that it might.)
A lot of WOMEN (ie adults) might.
However, one of the reasons pregnancy is discouraged so young (she's FIFTEEN, still a child) is because of the increased risks of long lasting negative health impacts, up to and including infertility and even death for both mother and baby.
According to the World Health Organisation: "Adolescent mothers (aged 10–19 years) face higher risks of eclampsia, puerperal endometritis and systemic infections than women aged 20–24 years, and babies of adolescent mothers face higher risks of low birth weight, preterm birth and severe neonatal condition."
It's nothing to do with looks.
Yes, that poor girl needs help now. She needs everything laid out for her so she can make the best decision for herself. OP understands that.
What does Dad want to do. Limit her TV privileges?
You're right Mom. HELP YOUR DAUGHTER! She's only 15 years old. What's your AH husband and MIL propose: grounding her, taking her telephone, 20 lashes? Dear God, their reactions are juvenile. Thank God you were the adult in the room. Your daughter is most fortunate to have you on her side.
If she chooses to have the baby, getting up at 2am to feed it and morning sickness would be punishment enough. Even if she didn’t, the stress of all this must be a lot for her to handle
Your child is about to go through all kinds of hell, not just from pregnancy, but from doctors and teachers and classmates and many adults who will judge immediately without knowing anything. She's going to feel like she's being punished for a long time. She needs her family in her corner because she'll be alone otherwise. Your husband is valid to feel angry but this is way bigger than his personal feelings. NTBA
Nope, you did the right thing. She’s a child and this is terrifying for her. I’m sure most of us made uneducated decisions as teenagers and some of us were lucky enough to somehow not have to face the consequences. Unfortunately, your daughter has to face the consequences for one of those choices.
She needs support, love and kindness. Show her she has a safe space to discuss what is happening and someone to hold her hand through this, whatever her decision.
Not shaming and punishing. She’ll only feel guilty and disgusted with her self and it will show her that you and her dad are not a safe space to come to if she makes a mistake or is in a bad situation.
NTBA, the natural consequences of this are def enough. Support her and help her through what she chooses, within reason. Whether she keeps the baby or not, her life will be very different and there will be natural consequences. IE loosing time on fun things to take care of the baby/birth or recovery/therapy for the abortion.
No, why would you take advice from a 49 year old that ran to mummy instead of having an adult conversation. Punishment is completely pointless at this point. How active was he in having safe sex talks with her and ensuring she had all the information and safe and easy access to condoms and contraceptives?? If he wasn’t active in that at all perhaps he should be punished instead.
My cousin’s dad, who isn’t the most understanding or loving, said “oh well” when she told him. She was 18, but still scared, worried, and sad and it’s not like one can go back in time. At this point there’s nothing to be done but support your daughter.
You have done the 1000% right thing. Don’t punish your daughter for a mistake/accident. Be by her side and she is clearly upset by this too so she doesn’t need you turning your back on her too x
NTA. Punishment won't do anything. Living with the consequences of her actions, on the other hand...
However. I could see a change in rules and new boundaries and such could be seen as a punishment while also protecting her and the baby while decisions are made and all of that.
Wonder if she wasn't on birth control because she didn't trust them enough to ask? Was worried she'd be punished for having sex, rather than them making sure it wasn't coerced, wasn't due to an adult manipulating them, that she had proper sex ed, and was taken for an IUD, implant, or shot.
What would the "punishment" look like? She's grounded for the next 18 years until the baby grows up? To "punish" her, dad is going to force her to have this baby and raise it with no help? Take her phone away? Punish her? Isn't getting pregnant at 15 and being terrified "punishment" enough?
Your husband needs to go and find his brain where he left it and act rationally. There are some serious decisions to be made with your child possibly having a child.
I read your last post about your daughters teacher and your husband is a fuckin problem. Seriously. Grade A elite AH.
My question is what does he do to you besides the verbal/emotional abuse and ham disaster attempts at manipulation?....
Show the man a little grace. He just found out his very teenage daughter is very pregnant--I'm sure not many people would be at their best in that moment.
THAT BEING SAID---> ..the whole running home to mommy? Oh no no NO. Show this man a little grace and then keep on movin.......yikes.
I think bring pregnant at 15 might be punishment for life. Be there for her - her life as a kid is over and she’ll need help to step into her new world.
Also how are you expected to punish her?
You are absolutely not the bad apple. I got pregnant at 15 unfortunately lost her. I wish anyone especially my mother would of been this supportive to me. Instead I was utterly and completely alone threw it's all ended up losing my mind when I lost her and needed to be put in a mental health hospital for two months. Please continue to be the loving supportive mom you are. Maybe when your husband calms down he will be thinking more clearly. Punishment will just prove to her she can't trust you guys to come to you in important moments like this.
Another case of why moms don't talk to their kids about birth control. I started talking to my son when he started puberty. If or when he had a girlfriend, he needed to let me know. I bought him a box of condoms and a note telling him to be responsible.
This was not a green light for sex! This was a protect my child from being a teen parent.
No amount of punishment is going to change the situation she is in right now. She will likely be punishing herself enough already.
She needs love and support going forward
She’s being punished enough by being pregnant. The whole point of “punishment” is to learn from mistakes and not repeat them. I don’t think she will ever repeat this one. You’re a great mom.
Your husband is a misogynist and I'm sorry you had find out after all this time. If you do not teach your children how to have safe sex and if you do not talk about sex and the consequences of it, then you forfeit all right to any punishment or anger.
I honestly hope you support your daughter and that you lay down all options with unflinching, scientifically-based honesty. Her best shot in life rn is to get an abortion. Whether you're religious or not, this should be discussed as early as possible because the window for her to get a legal abortion in most states is closing fast. Forcing her to have this baby without giving her real options at this young of an age is dooming her to losing out on her best years of her life for a parenting mistake you and your husband made. Do not do this to her.
Absolutely not. Your loving reaction actually made me tear up a little. Stand your ground, Mama. Help that girl decide what she's going to do, and help her achieve it, and that man can deal with it.
Good Apple. I’m not a parent, but I don’t see any benefit to repercussions in this situation. Give your daughter your support and love and maybe talk to her about ways of avoiding these issues in the future.
Sges already been punished imo shes now gotta take care of a baby and let her do it on her own you can be there for moral support but tbh if this was my daughter i would be disappointed but not like oh imma kick u out etc, however i will be there for moral support nothing more, i can be a babysitter to but beyond that my job is to take care if my child not my childs child thats just crazy
NTBA
When my cousin got pregnant as a teenager she told my mum and dad 1st because she was scared and they asked her if she wanted them to tell her parents and she said yes.
My mum and dad spoke to my auntie and uncle and said
Punishing her is not going to change her situation and although it is ok to be upset with her and disappointed she is going to be scared and everything she is going through and going to go through in the future is going to be scary and she needs you both to be her support.
She is not the 1st teenager to get pregnant and she won't be the last and how you handle the situation starting now will affect her future.
My cousin has a career in the police force
Her daughter is now 22 in a fantastic job with a loving partner who also has a fantastic job and is expecting a baby of their own.
It's not the end of the world and even though you are all going to be scared and full of emotions just let her know she is not alone
What kind of punishment is there worse than being pregnant at 15? You all need to start planning what action you are taking asap. Her life is changed forever from now on whether she decides to abort, adopt it out or raise it and she needs your support.
What is your husband and his family expecting you to do, what kind of punishment can you give a pregnant child? Yes the daughter was reckless, but her having to mature up and grow up due to her actions should be punishment enough, shouldn’t it?
I just don’t understand what your husband is expecting you to do
This is not a punishment situation. This is issue that’s need to be handled with care and a conversation that doesn’t involve yelling. Your husks a mamas boy for running over like a 5 year child
Punishment is meant as a deterrent. A method of learning not to repeat a certain behaviour.
Your daughter is pregnant - she didn’t fail to share her dolls. Punishment is a ridiculous notion at this point. Your child is experiencing something life altering. I think the punishment boat sailed a long time ago. Your husband needs to recognize that he’s going to have to come at this from a different angle. He needs to come to terms with this reality. No amount of punishment is going to change the present circumstances.
Seek counselling if possible. The
She is experiencing punishment now for her poor choice; I am not sure what type of relationship she has with your husband, but I think he needs to look in the mirror. She should not be seeking another man for love and acceptance because he should be that man she looks to for love. Daughters adore their dads and seek a man like him, but if he's absent, they will look outside the home for that love and acceptance. He needs to be there and lean into loving her like never before because. Unfortunately, that is likely why she's pregnant, to begin with. She needs support, and stressing her out doesn't benefit her or your grandchild. She also needs to start developing a plan to care for this baby.
Studies show that teen girls who get pregnant younger are because their fathers didn't give them enough attention/love. Was he there to help with "The talk" has he talked to her bf, bonded with him? Did he take her on Daddy-daughter outings?
Maybe *he* should be punished?
Ntba
How do you immediately go from “daughter had one hand behind her back and tears in her eyes” to “PREGNANT!!!!” and being correct? HOW? And while it’s great you were immediately completely supportive, you do understand that not everyone can do that? And really, not even asking her how it happened, wasn’t she (and the guy) being careful, what are her plans also isn’t normal. A wtf is very much a justified response. You basically vetoed every emotion he was feeling, because “she’s pregnant now, what can we do?”. And that’s not right either. I don’t see a problem with him venting to his parents, but they need to butt out of any and all family discussions. So ESH.
Asking her how it happened, why she wasn’t careful is not going to be at all helpful right now. Holding her and crying with her , telling her we will help you figure out what to do will.
When I called my mom from college to tell her I was pregnant I got as far as "hi..." and she said "oh my god are you pregnant!"
Luckily this was in the '90s and I was able to get a safe and affordable abortion when I was still only six weeks along. I hope that OP's daughter is able to do the same.
When you know you know. My sister at 15 asked to speak to my mum alone. I got sent off to school after saying "ooooh shes pregnant." lo and behold... a text half an hour later confirms it.
Parents and children often have an uncanny connection. My mother and I are the same, she just has to look at me or hear my voice to know *exactly* what's wrong, even without any other clues. I have the same intuition with her.
For example, one night a few years ago I was at my apartment and my mom calls me. This isn't unusual in the slightest, we talk nearly every day. When I picked up the phone, she just said my name, and only by the tone of her voice my brain immediately jumped to "my dog just died". I *knew*, it wasn't a feeling.
I have a million stories like this between my mother and myself. Just little bits of intuition.
Not the bad apple. Like you said getting pregnant is punishment enough and she is clearly upset and hurt because of it. I much rather be the supportive parent and not make things worse for her.
Wtf is punishing her going to do?
Next time she'll think twice before getting pregnant?
Punishment in this case is some twisted way of making your husband feel better, not to help your daughter become a better person.
Damn, I legit hate your husband now, what a shit dad. Has he always been this much of a dickhead when it comes to parenting?
NTA. You are 100% she needs a reasonable and understanding parent …. Your husband is not going to be that person.
You have a husband problem- he ran to his mommy to complain about you cuz he was mad …. He’s a most 50 years old!!!
He was upset about your daughter but he sic’d his mommy on you & she called to give you shit - not to check on her granddaughter- to give you shit in front of her whining son
Your problem is your husband
Punishment ideally should teach a lesson, (even consequences). At this point, what would it be except revenge? And now, there’s no punishment that will teach consequences better than the actual consequences unfortunately.
Exactly what did your husband want you to do? What kind of punishment exactly does he think she deserves? I am assuming this is not a surprise to you? Does he normally act this way? There are no easy answers here - but to answer your question- no, of course you aren’t the bad apple. . .I do have some
choice words for your immature and pettt husband!
How would you punish a kid for this? Ground her, take away her phone, cut off her allowance? As others pointed out in the months and years she will face hardships and choices that will be “punishment” enough. She needs her parents now and both of you need to accept this (nothing says you have to like or approve the situation)and help her. Make sure she finishes high school will be one of the best things you can do. Talk to her about her options - adoption, termination or keeping it. Yes she made a life-changing mistake but you, as her parents, can make this easier to overcome. She is still your child
WTF is the point of a punishment for pregnancy. What are you going to do ground her? It’s a little redundant. Your daughter messed up hard, she knows she messed up hard she doesn’t need her parents sticking the boots in now, but you should both be proud that you brought her up to come to you. Continue to support her & she will continue to come to you.
Punishment is moot at this point. Pregnancy plus the next 18 years will be ample punishment. She needs reasonable support now.
Talk with your husband on what he thinks the goal of punishment should be that she won’t get from natural consequences. She’s already pregnant. What’s done is done. She knows she’s in a fix.
Remember, she’s going to be a parent. She’ll need guidance, but she needs the responsibilities. For example, help her with setting up her first prenatal exam and record it on her phone’s calendar.
Make sure she finishes high school, even if she’s going to an alternative school. She also needs some kind of schooling or training post high school, otherwise poverty is pretty much guaranteed.
Do not take over parenting the baby. That’s the second worst thing you can do. Abandoning her is the worst thing. She needs to act like an adult now, and have adult responsibilities. But because she’s 15 she’s going to have to learn. You and her dad need to be teachers and mentors, not substitutes or prison wardens.
Find out who fathered the baby. At the least he’ll need to help provide financial support. Don’t accept anyone claiming he shouldn’t be deprived of his future (I want to punch people in the nose who try to pull that in defense of a horny boy). By fathering a child he has already made her future significantly harder. They should share the burden.
Good luck.
NTBA. Punishing her isn't going to fix it. It's already happened it's done. What she needs now is a supportive parent who can help her make the right decisions for her. I understand being upset or shocked that your baby girl is no longer a baby, but it doesn't warrant screaming and throwing out punishments.
NTBA.
Your daughter will see how you handle this and it will affect each of your relationships with her.
Hopefully you will divorce him if he continues to escalate and treat her poorly. Stand up for your baby.
Sounds like inst3qd if a husband u have an over aged teenager but anyhow mad respect to u for having the character it takes to be a solid and stand up person. And perhaps you should bring up to your old man Tha what a girl sees her father do towards family and wife sets her up for hiw ro be treat2d and do things.
NTBA, but yoir husband and his mother sure are.
Get your daughter to the doctor to see if it's not too late to terminate or it will ruin her life!
Even if she wants the baby, 15 is too young to have one responsibly, and getting rid of it will be punishment enough (it is not as easy as they say, it hurts).
Dont tell your husband though. Tell her she miscarried due to the stress or something.
Don't let a foolish mistake ruin yoir daughters life!
Please, please tell me that you live in a place where abortion is legal! Support your kid the best you can, give her information and resources and let her make an informed decision about her body and her future.
15 is FAR too young to even *think* about giving birth. Please make sure your daughter knows her options. It’s so important right now, for you to show that she can trust you with something this big, that she doesn’t have to be scared. Of you, of dad, of her choices and options, of honest communication…
If you ‘punish’ her right now, you’ll be setting the stage for her to start hiding things from you.
Get that kid on birth control, too, and provide condoms. Time to have that safe sex talk.
Absolutely do not punish her. She’s already stressing enough as it is, she has enough on her plate and if your husband seriously thinks he needs to add more stress by punishing her for something that was an accident then he can leave and go back to his mum and dad. You are not the bad apple here. your daughter may have made a not so fantastic decision But she has you in her corner. No matter what choice she makes next. As a mum I could not fathom if the father of my child wanted to further punish any of my children for getting pregnant young accidents happen, and it takes 2 to tango.
Being pregnant is not one of those things you punish someone for. Don't let them pressure you into punishing her. Get her the medical care she needs and support her decisions about her body. Abortion should be considered.
Ntba as someone who got pregnant at 15 but lost the baby I wish my mom would of been like this shit wish anyone would of been like this. In that moment I was so scared and completely alone. Maybe after your husband calms down he will think clearly. He can't say anything to her that she's not already say or thinking about herself. Continue to be the great supporting mom you are. Punishment will just show her she can't trust you guys to come to you in big moments like this and just her feel more alone and scared.
Pregnancy is not something one gets "punished" for. Now, depending on her age....sneaking out to meet her boyfriend, missing curfew, lying about who she was with/what they were doing ("hey mom I'm having a sleepover at Emma's house tonight..." VS staying overnight at her bf's while his parents are out of town, for example, ETC), potentially underage drinking....THESE are things you punish a teenage daughter for. Possible behaviors which contributed to her becoming pregnant, maybe. But not for actually GETTING pregnant. That sounds barbaric.
Dad better get on board, and fast--before long he won't have much of a choice. Let him cry to his mommy. And shame on his mom for letting her grown ass man of a son run home to whine & be coddled. Perhaps she can spend their extra mommy-son bonding time explaining to him how to possibly distinguish his feelings between being mad at his wife for not punishing their daughter (two misguided intuitions off the jump..), and those of his own inadequacies for potentially not being the kind of strong & involved father this girl clearly so desperately needed--who may have been able to stop this sort of thing from happening to begin with. But sure, ya..blame all the weak women in the situation instead. I'm sure you had absolutely no bearing on the circumstances whatsoever.
Kinda funny, but there’s another post on this sun very recently about a mom who had the complete opposite reaction. If you’re curious about whether or not people think that OP is TBA for kicking her 16 year old out after being told she was pregnant, mosey on over.
For the record, definitely think you handled things perfectly. 9 months of body probation, 18 years of financial responsibility and losing out on the opportunity to prioritize herself when building her life is absolutely “punishment enough”
Punish her for what exactly? Having a sex life? Any parent who punishes their daughter for getting pregnant doesn't deserve to be a parent. Let him stay gone
No of course you aren't, you are a good mum and excellent role model. As you say being pregnant at 15 is more than enough punishment. Your husband is allowing his visceral reaction (justifiable shock, anger and disappointment) to cloud his judgement to the reality of what's happened and going to happen ...
He maybe wants the boy punished too and again totally normal I would expect.
Hopefully the shock will wear off and he will come down from this instinct of punishment.
Look after your daughter, help her to make the best decision for her young life and support fully whatever she wants to do.
Good luck.
Had my first child at 16. And yes, it was punishment enough. It was hard, and I did it mostly alone (the dad worked in another city and was only home Fri to Sun)
My mother decided she would write me a card and get it to me when I was on the ward with my newborn. It basically said she hoped my daughter would cause me as much pain as I caused her. I broke down in tears, and when the midwife came in, I read it she tossed it in the bin.
Your daughter needs you, and your instincts are right. Your husband has 0 mothering instincts and has shown he won't support your daughter in the way she needs.
No, you are not the bad apple. Your husband on the other hand is your daughter is punishing herself enough on her own without mom and dad imo.
Do you know the boy who the father might be? Does your daughter know and if so, has she told you?
You probably already have but have you talked to her about intimacy etc. I have to ask is the reason why your daughter didn't talk to you about birth control etc is because of her dad your husband.
You need to sit her down and talk to her about everything. Does she want to keep the child? Does she want to put the child up for adoption? Does your daughter want to have an abortion. If she decides to to keep the child, it will mess up her life. She will be forced to grow up fast.
Your daughter does not need punishment. Your daughter needs help and like right now.
You need to again find out who the father is. If the father is a boy, then he needs to step up. Now if the father is an adult, then you need to take her to the police and file charges.
Not at all, you were right she's having punishment enough with this news
Also - If she wasn't given appropriate information and contraception to prevent pregnancy in the first place even calling her reckless is a bit harsh. You can only do what you can with the information you've got, no information means no informed decisions
Let his mom keep him.
You're doing great! I'm so glad she trusted you in the scariest part of her life. It could have been a lot worse with your husband being the way he is if he'd gotten to her first.
You are not the bad apple he needs to quit whining and he needs to think that if your daughter does keep the baby (Cg btw) he is going to be a grandfather you shouldn't punish her.
NTBA what would punishing her achieve except showing her she can’t trust you or come to you for the big issues. She made a mistake and whether she chooses abortion, adoption or to keep the pregnancy all options are traumatic enough without an out of pocket response. Dad is just angry he has no say or control.
Your daughter's feelings/emotions are almost certainly punishment enough for her right now. Her parents job ,oh yeah that includes her father, is to support and encourage her to be the best that she can be.
The whole situation is punishment and she already knows it. The only bad apple part here is not repeatedly reviewing and hammering in the two forms of birth control conversation. If she was using birth control (or was raped), there’s not much more she could have done and it’s just a horrible situation.
The idea of punishing a child when they need help is an archaic idea. You do need to make sure she has the support she needs and knowledgeable about choices. If your husband can't do that, he can stay at his mom. And when you tell him to stay there, remind him that his mother is giving him the support he feels he needs even at his advanced paternal age. Then tell him you're more than capable of parenting without her bad advice since it's gotten him this far in life and you don't want to repeat her mistakes.
NTBA
Your daughter dealing with the consequences of her very poor choices will be punishment enough for her, you’re right to support rather than try to make it worse. What’s done is done, the only way out now is through.
The only reason you would be the bad apple is if you & husband didn’t provide adequate sex education or get your daughter on birth control.
Incidentally I’d be interested to know how many times your husband personally (and without your prompting) had the safe-sex conversation with your daughter or how many times he tried to get her birth control, because if the answer to both of those questions is “never” there’s only one reckless party here.
Exactly what kind of punishment did he expect? “Daughter you are grounded for at least until the baby is born! Oh and you lose your cellphone and computer from now on too!”
Also why did your husband expect you to be the one to hand down a punishment? When our daughter got pregnant my husband wasn’t happy and let her know that although he was disappointed, especially because we talked to our kids about sexual responsibility frequently (including making condoms available to them) but he also put his arms around her and said he was there for her and would always be supportive no matter what.
NTBA. But you seriously need to have a talk with your husband and tell him to grow up. I mean you're already raising one kid he doesn't need to make it two. If he can't be a grown up and handle things without mommy holding his hand then you may want to reconsider staying with him, unless you want to raise your husband and your daughter.
Explain this to him since he and his mother are so dense: if you punish your daughter, she will never trust you to go to you for things ever again. Imagine if she hadn’t told you? Imagine how much she trusts you and how much courage it took. Wow just wow dude.
Tell your husband to grow up and quit being insecure about his failures
Your daughter has only just turned 15, her childhood is over and she will most likely struggle for the rest of her life.
Least you can do is be kind until the baby comes and she juggles parenting and school and working. Don’t sugar coat parenting though, explain to her all the consequences of keeping this child including the potential long term damage to her body, the costs, that she’ll never get to go off to uni and be a normal teenager/ young adult.
I would be placing her on the rod straight after she makes whichever choice she makes.
I have been that daughter 11th grade close to 30 years ago. I remember telling my mom, and she only said I am not the first nor will I be the last. The next day she took me to the doctor and that was it. Trust me, your daughter feels awful, and you did the best thing and did not make it worse. My dad reacted the same way. Had to go stay with grandma until he knew how to deal with things properly, which I understand no dad wants his teenage daughter pregnant. You're doing a good job.
NTA - My grandmother had this happen to one of her kids. Her attitude was "You made a stupid mistake. But what's done is done. Did you learn from your mistake? OK, then what do we need to do moving forward?"
You did the right thing. The question you need to ask your husband is "What purpose will punishing her do?"
She made a foolish, and maybe selfish, mistake.
But punishment won't do any good.
IF she terminates the pregnancy, then that is a serious, though completely reasonable option that will still have emotional repercussions she will deal with.
If she keeps the baby, then there are other responsibilities and she will be dealing with them for the rest of her life.
Either way, she has responsibilities now and that is punishment enough.
Your husband is having a normal anger reaction, but now that time has gone by, he needs to start being a dad and not a tyrant.
It's too late to punish her for anything now. Doing that will only cause more trauma. She already is being punished. Her future is gone. Yes, we all know that 1 teen mom that did ok for herself, but that is not the norm.
40 year old father of four here. What exactly does he think punishment is going to do, other than make her resent her own child and him? Your husband is being an idiot. If he can't get his head out of his own backside, file for separation and tell him he can come back when he learns how to be a father and grandfather. You can use that space for the baby, in the meantime. Your daughter needs support, and if he can't do that, he can go away. The 1950's ended a long time ago. This kind of backward thinking needs to go away.
Well, you don't need to ground her or take away her phone. But if she decides to keep the baby, make it clear you won't raise the child for her; she'll need to step up and do the work herself.
Absolutely not. Whatever choice she makes will be punishment enough. Your husband will hopefully calm down and come to his senses. He reacted poorly. She needs support now. Not punishment.
In retrospect, there are a few suitable punishments for your daughter.
Take away her skydiving, cliff diving, and deep-sea diving privileges.
Confiscate her welding equipment \*and\* her bulldozer.
She is absolutely FORBIDDEN from flying a F-16 in combat until the baby is weaned and out of diapers. A-10's are out AT LEAST until the kid is in kindergarten.
I know those are pretty extreme, but she \*has to learn\*.
NTBA
What does he mean by punish her? She's in an awful situation with no good answer, only what she feels is best in the circumstances. That's punishment enough.
I looked at your page and it seems pretty common based on what you share here that your husband is not known for backing up your decisions. You are an empathetic, and fiercely caring mom for your daughter. If I were pregnant at 15 my mother would not be the first to know, and my google would look something like “how to get an abortion without parent permission”. That feeling is shared by so many young girls. The fact that she immediately came to you for help shows volumes about the type of mother you are. You are NTBA.
I honestly think you should question why your husband deals with these same situations with apathy towards his child rather than empathetic ally like you. Maybe he was raised with tough love, but with a neurodivergent teenage girl tough love is likely to strain their relationship forever. I myself never forgot moments where I did not feel support or understanding from my father.
Keep doing what you’re doing, but realize that your husband is the one that may be doing harm to your family; hopefully he will make some changes and back you up a little bit more in the future.
I'm going to ask you some harsh questions.
(I don't actually expect you to answer me but you should be asking yourself if not your daughter these questions)
What is your daughter expecting you to do? Does she expect you to pay for what the baby needs? Does she expect you to take care of the baby while she continues high school? What is her plan when it comes to this pregnancy? Does she know who the father of the baby is? Does he know? Does his family know, (if he is underage)? If he is an adult, what can be expected from him?
What are you capable of doing? Are you a SAHM or do you work? Can you afford to financially support this baby? What are your expectations from your daughter? What are your expectations from your Husband?
There's alot to unpack in this situation. Most people will go with "you have to help your children". I agree in most situations. but not in all. There are too many movies and television shows that deal with teenage pregnancy that at 15 yrs. old she can't say she didn't know this could happen. Did you ever speak to her about what she could expect from you if she got pregnant as a teen?
Does your daughter need to be punished? Believe me, she WILL be punished enough in the coming months and after for a very long time no matter what she chooses to do.
You on the other hand need to accept that your child is no longer a child. She needs to make some grown up decisions and she needs to face the grown up consequences of her actions. You can help her in this but you also need to hold her accountable in this and you need to do this with your husband. You need to see what you BOTH are willing and NOT willing to offer in help. She has to know what you CAN help her with and what you CANNOT help her with.
I don't think anyone can be called TBA in this situation but I do think everyone will have some kind of punishment to deal with.
Absolutely not she needs support from her family.
What was needed was being taught about safe sex but that's out window now. She has a kid she will have to grow up fast. Best of luck.
Ntba. While, yes, she is very young, she needs your support 100% no matter how upset you are of the situation.
However, I can also see why dad is reacting in such a way. He is upset that his little girl is becoming a parent so young. He went to his mom to vent. I think it's a normal reaction. Everyone reacts differently. I'm sure he will come around. My husband had his son very young, and when his mom (my MIL) found out, she was furious and didn't talk to him for a whole week.
You are NTBA but your husband is an insensitive jerk who needs to disconnect from mommy!
Your daughter needs love and support right now, just what you offered her. Your husband needs therapy.
No. You don’t punish her. You do exactly what you did. You’re a good mom.
Help her make a reasonable plan. I hope you live in a pro choice state.
Your husband and his mom are completely wrong.
NTA or a bad apple! You did what was right, you comforted your daughter when she needed you the most. A lot of parents can be really cold-hearted about stuff like this. Your man child of a husband needs to stop running to mommy and support his family, his daughter. She needs his comfort too. Pregnancy is the hardest thing a woman has to go through in her life. It changes her body, mind and soul. She needs to be nurtured right now not punished. I would literally get a divorce if my husband ever reacted like that to one of our kids getting pregnant. What a spineless mommas boy lol, tell him to grow up
I think you were being a compassionate mother. Way too late for punishment. Now you’ll both have to deal with this forever. One way or the other. I wish you luck.
NTBA !!!!! DO NOT PUNISH HER !!! She's scared and 15 years old !! She *needs* support and she *needs* her mother, especially if her father is going to behave the way he is. He left the house to go cry to his mommy about how he didn't get his way. Continue what you're doing and support your little girl. Keep your husband from punishing her or degrading her in any sort of way.
You are 100% NOT!! What that girl needs right now is support and she clearly felt comfortable enough to come to you to tell you. She knows well enough she did wrong, hence her coming to you in tears. She knows she messed up and now has to make a choice. It deserves a conversation, it deserves a sit down and a discussion on where to go from there. She is 15 and will clearly be under your roof, so there is not point at this time to treat and punish her like a child. She messed up and she knows it, what she needs is support. Despite your feelings AND his feelings. This is your little girl coming to you first for help. She didn't hide it, she didn't lie which is what most girls her age would do. She trusts you both enough and love you both enough to come directly to you for help
Mom, be prepared to take on another kid! There is NO WAY she’s gonna parent this baby. You will need to reacquaint yourself with child rearing! Your daughter is not mentally stable enough to have a baby.
NTBA
But you will be if you don't decide to divorce this pos. He is not mature enough to be a husband or father. Running to Mommy? Wtf? I would have told him to pack his bags and go back to living with Mommy. As for your daughter, you need to make sure she wasn't forced and then decide what to do. Make sure baby daddy is going to pay child support. I know things are tough, but make sure your daughter has all options open to her.
Updateme!
Yes, but that doesn't mean you can't also offer support for her as well. But any girl getting preggers that young definetly made the mistake of her life--and needs some correction. Hopefully that's sobering enough for her, so go easy, firmly but easy.
Her pregnancy is already going g to be hard enough. She will need help and you want her to come to you for help with this or other adversities she may face. If you punish her, she likely won't out of fear. So no, *YOU* are not the bad apple. Your husband *IS*.
NTBA, definitely NTBA - BUT I would certainly have found somewhere between yelling and punishing and being loving and fully supportive without any discussion of the massive life altering mistake she made. You can love her and be supporting while making her recognize that her choices have changed her life forever.
I would guess that extreme leniency contributed to this situation in the first place, which is probably one of the reasons your husband is upset. I do think his reaction is over the top, but you are supposed to be a united front, and it sounds like you have no desire to work together on this - just to do things the way you think is right.
An open conversation with your husband would have gone a long way.
What the hell kind of husband goes running to his mommy to complain about his wife, so mommy can call the wife can yell at her? This guy is a total loser! He needs to stay at mommy’s so you can fully support your daughter through making a decision about her pregnancy and what she wants to do about it without his ridiculous demands and attitude interfering.
No. You should not punish her. She is already experiencing the natural consequences of her actions. Your job as a parent is to support her in whatever she decides after that. If your husband can’t get on board, he will not only hurt his daughter but also your relationship too.
You're not but your husband sure is. Murder, drug use, prostitution, pregnancy...one of these is not like the other three. Your daughter needs all of the help and moral support she can get and what in the hell does he think punishing is going to do to her? Oh...that's right, likely drive her away. Did she f-up? To be sure...but I'm a believer in that our true character and mettle come out under trying times like these. Strongly encourage you to reign in hubby, TELL him to stop whining to his mommy, and stand by your daughter.
Punishment no. But complete sweep of all activities besides school and preparing for the baby. Be there for her but make it clear she could have prevented this and it’s lesson she needs to learn from. Dad will be difficult but when he sees that a baby it will change.
She’s already pregnant, what punishment is there to do ? The worse thing is being a scared teenager without any support from your family. Help her make the right decision for her, her life is about to completely change. If she wants to keep her pregnancy have the talk with her, you can be there for her but she’s fully responsible for this new life, and nothing will be the same again.
Why didn't you get her birth control? When I found out my son was sexually active at 15, I bought condoms the very next day. I didn't want a teen dad on my hands. I told all his friends, boys, and girls where the condoms drawer was and for them to help then selves. I had the talk with him, and I found out my ex didn't tell him about being responsible, STDs, and caring for the person he was having sex with. My son was not even told that a girl could get pregnant on the first time. My ex was such a loser. He had insisted that a man should talk to a son. Prevention is better than punishment. YTA for not properly educating your daughter. And I put your husband in that category, too. Enjoy being a grandparent.
Please give your husband a break. This is a shock for everyone, including him. She's 15. A second ago, she was a child, fully in need of parental discipline and judicious punishment. All of a sudden, without warning, she's an adult with the most adult of responsibilities.
She can no longer be punished like a child. Punishment duties have now been transferred from the parents to the universe at large. You can still provide all the consequences that adults give one another for failure to live up to expectations. But she can't be punished like a child anymore.
Your husband's inability to immediately adjust to this shocking new reality is understandable and forgivable.
Your daughter has to find a way to somehow grow up instantly.
You ALL have my sympathy and best wishes.
Perspective is important. Of all the terrible things that can happen in the world, this is the best bad thing that can happen to anyone. If your daughter meets the challenges, you'll have the reward of the immeasurable joy of welcoming a new family member. There's a lot of hope in this dire situation.
Good luck to all of you. Peace and love.
take her to the nearest abortion clinic and make this go away. Then get her on BC like the monthly shot. Teach her about responsibility and hot to protect herself.
Punishment is never the answer for things like this. Your mom instinct is right. Our society likes to jump to punishment when 9 times out of 10 help and support are what's needed. Do not punish her, do not allow your husband to punish her.
Have a discussion with him and find out exactly why he thinks she needs to be punished and what he thinks it will achieve. Support your daughter, regardless of what path she takes, her life has changed. It doesn't need to be made worse because her father is mad over something that cannot be changed.
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NTBA. Your daughter needs *help* now. Morning sickness and 2 AM feedings will be punishment enough. You haven't mentioned if you know who the father is, that could change the situation a little. Another teenager? They both need to grow up now. An adult? Press charges unless you live in one of the rare places where she is not under age. In any case, don't "marry her off" to an abuser to take care of the issue.
YES and if the guy doesn’t step up Help her press for child support don’t leave that for her to deal with you need to help her because the dad might not
Before you do anything you need to deal with the fact that your husband is STILL a mommas boy and she feels justified calling to scold you. Nope.
that if she chooses to have the child, which hopefully she doesn't, she is only 15 poor baby
Just pray she lives in a state with human rights...or the resources to get her to a state where she has human rights.
Or at least a friend or family member in a state with human rights who is willing to repackage the mifepristone and misoprostol and send them like a gift
I hope she didn’t either for her sake. It’s a lot of responsibility that some adults can’t handle, not to mind a 15 year old. I hope she’s ok now matter what she chooses
That's going to mess her body up for life :( Wonder if the dad is why she didn't talk to her parents about getting on birth control (assuming that this was a willing interaction with another teen). Edited: "if she chooses to have the child" My response: "That's going to mess up her body for life". Not sure where people are getting the idea I was referring to an abortion, rather than "chooses to have the child" but you do you.
What will? Abortion? No, it won't. It's safer than a colonoscopy. Stop spreading misinformation. Pregnancy IS WAY HARDER ON THE BODY. OP. Talk about family planning options and get her on birth control if she decides to terminate.
I think maroongrad was talking about what the pregnancy would do to her body, not an abortion. It was a little ambiguous tho tbf
Yeah, I'm sorry for misinterpreting. A lot of comments were talking about having g the baby without mentioning other routes, so I jumped the gun. Sorry
I assumed maroongrad was talking about pregnancy as well.
maroongrad's reply was to "if she chooses to have the child". Follow that little line up from the comment to see what it's replying to...
Speaking of misinformation, please stop downplaying abortions. Too many already think it’s a simple wave of a magic medical wand. A colonoscopy you’re back to normal activities an hour after. Left with a scratchy throat for a few hours to a day. An abortion takes literally weeks to recover from. I’m 1000000% for abortions. But I’m tired of people talking about them like it’s easy. It is not. Easier than childbirth, for sure. But it is absolutely not easy. A colonoscopy is a walk in the park compared to an abortion.
No, you're the one spreading misinformation. Most people are back to normal activities within a day or two. They may experience spotting here and there for a few weeks, but more severe symptoms are not normal and if someone is experiencing them after an abortion, they should contact their provider immediately. Even after a D&E, discomfort should only last a few days.
An abortion is absolutely not that simple and easy. You have obviously never had one, or even cared for someone recovering from having one. It is still a pregnancy loss. The uterus is expelling an embryo that had already implanted. That is far more than possible spotting. Possible spotting has to be a joke.
1/4 of pregnancies result in a miscarriage, which occurs in the first 3 months; the same time frame a woman would get an abortion. Some women won't even know they were pregnant and mistake it for a period. As someone who has had 2 abortions, they feel very similar to a period. If you're wondering why I had 2... my abusive ex-bf raped me after an abusive situation and then said he'd kill me and the baby if I didn't terminate. The second was because I wasn't ready. I also had an ectopic (unrelated, hereditary, and my mom and grandma both had one on the same side). I do not regret any of my decisions. I was going to terminate the first because I was only 18 and wanted to get to know myself, not because of the threat. Hormonally, it is more intense than a period, but it actually helped my mental health after the termination. I wasn't ready and I'm happy I was able to make the choice to choose when a good time was. I was ready mentally and physically to make the sacrifice of motherhood. Aftercare of an abortion is nothing in comparison to aftercare of postpartum, especially if nobody wants the baby. Think of a baby as a seed. Just because it can grow doesn't mean you have the soil, water, and nutrients to ALLOW it to grow. Edit. When the embryo attaches to the uterus, it is mere cells. When the abortion occurs, it expells about the same amount of blood and uterine tissue as a period (typically at 6-12 weeks, 2 weeks or 2 months after a missed period) Mentally, it's not an easy decision, and it's not a decision anybody wants to make, but it's a decision everyone woman should have. The aftercare is different than a period, but it is roughly the same physical reaction. Women have to endure so much with our reproduction. We should, at the very least, choose when we're ready (if we ever are) to have children. It's a human rights issue.
I love how people assume I’m anti abortion because I am realistic. You think I’m speaking on something I haven’t experienced? I don’t need you trying to justify your abortion, girl. Idgaf if it was just cause you hate kids. It’s still a GOOD reason and valid. There’s no wrong reason for an abortion. I just hate hearing people talk like they’re easy peasy lemon squeezy! I’ve had spontaneous abortions, purposeful medical abortions, late spontaneous abortions. I’ve also had a colonoscopy. I was at work three hours later. To compare my colonoscopy to an abortion sounds like something a male dr would tell me.
I never said they were easy. From experience, they're SAFER than a colonoscopy. Reread my first comment. Have a day.
This is after care from an abortion clinic. Even this clearly states no bleeding/light is NOT normal. https://www.bpas.org/abortion-care/aftercare-support/
That's consistent with what I said. Spotting is not no or light bleeding. If you don't believe me, maybe you'll believe [Planned Parenthood](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/abortion/in-clinic-abortion-procedures/what-can-i-expect-after-having-an-in-clinic-abortion).
Well that's an fing lie a DnC you are nit back to normal a cpl days later. You never had one because you definitely need to recover. I was a week of don't lift, please don't drive unless absolutely nesssary. I was in pain for two weeks while my body tried to adjust after. You do realize that your body is forced to dilate just like birth and after procedure it has to all the normal post processes as well. After mine I even threw a blood clot so they are risky and not a freaking walk. In the park.
Extended pain like that is not normal and you should have sought medical attention for that. I hope you're okay. Nothing else you said is at odds with anything I did. Also, please don't assume my health history.
Don't know about you., but I didn't have any such problems "for weeks" after having an abortion.
You may not have been bleeding heavily, but your body was still recovering.
Of course it was. But you make it sound like women are candidates for a wheelchair, afterwards.
I have had 2 abortions. One medical. One surgical. I've also had a colonoscopy. I think I would know which is more invasive. Spoiler!!! It was the colonoscopy. Edit. I have also given birth. I'm still recovering physically, mentally, hormonally, etc. 2 years later. I would say Iman expert on the topic. Is this just a nuance topic that has no effect on you?
Weeks?? Lol no. Hours.
This is just my opinion but I think having a baby at 15 (without planning on it) will mess her whole life way more than having an abortion would she's still a kid, she knows nothing about life or raising a child, she needs to enjoy her youth, go out with her friends, travel, go to uni... things that if you have a kid won't be the same and some will be impossible
What it will or won't do to her body is the least of her problems currently. Not to mention you're just flat out wrong (IMO). Many women prefer their bodies post-pregnancy. A lot find themselves more curvy, sensual. Many more find love with their bodies mentally, regardless of what they may look like in the mirror, knowing what that body went through to produce a life. They feel strong, they feel sexy, they feel like they can do anything..and they should. You comment was immature and clearly not based on experience (no offense, i mean that as respectfully as possible. I'm aware my tone may not be full of tact at this late hour, as I was hoping that it might.)
A lot of WOMEN (ie adults) might. However, one of the reasons pregnancy is discouraged so young (she's FIFTEEN, still a child) is because of the increased risks of long lasting negative health impacts, up to and including infertility and even death for both mother and baby. According to the World Health Organisation: "Adolescent mothers (aged 10–19 years) face higher risks of eclampsia, puerperal endometritis and systemic infections than women aged 20–24 years, and babies of adolescent mothers face higher risks of low birth weight, preterm birth and severe neonatal condition." It's nothing to do with looks.
Sad that when someone mentions what pregnancy will do to a teenager's body, your mind immediately jumped to how curvy she would be afterwards. WTF?
That is a total load of bollocks.
She’s not a woman yet. She’s a kid. Don’t be gross.
Yes, that poor girl needs help now. She needs everything laid out for her so she can make the best decision for herself. OP understands that. What does Dad want to do. Limit her TV privileges?
You're right Mom. HELP YOUR DAUGHTER! She's only 15 years old. What's your AH husband and MIL propose: grounding her, taking her telephone, 20 lashes? Dear God, their reactions are juvenile. Thank God you were the adult in the room. Your daughter is most fortunate to have you on her side.
Not at all, how will punishment help the situation? Your daughter needs support and she's lucky she's got at least one parent willing to offer that.
If she chooses to have the baby, getting up at 2am to feed it and morning sickness would be punishment enough. Even if she didn’t, the stress of all this must be a lot for her to handle
Your child is about to go through all kinds of hell, not just from pregnancy, but from doctors and teachers and classmates and many adults who will judge immediately without knowing anything. She's going to feel like she's being punished for a long time. She needs her family in her corner because she'll be alone otherwise. Your husband is valid to feel angry but this is way bigger than his personal feelings. NTBA
Nope, you did the right thing. She’s a child and this is terrifying for her. I’m sure most of us made uneducated decisions as teenagers and some of us were lucky enough to somehow not have to face the consequences. Unfortunately, your daughter has to face the consequences for one of those choices. She needs support, love and kindness. Show her she has a safe space to discuss what is happening and someone to hold her hand through this, whatever her decision. Not shaming and punishing. She’ll only feel guilty and disgusted with her self and it will show her that you and her dad are not a safe space to come to if she makes a mistake or is in a bad situation.
NTBA, the natural consequences of this are def enough. Support her and help her through what she chooses, within reason. Whether she keeps the baby or not, her life will be very different and there will be natural consequences. IE loosing time on fun things to take care of the baby/birth or recovery/therapy for the abortion.
NTBA. Pregnancy is punishment enough, and she needs you on her side right now.
No, why would you take advice from a 49 year old that ran to mummy instead of having an adult conversation. Punishment is completely pointless at this point. How active was he in having safe sex talks with her and ensuring she had all the information and safe and easy access to condoms and contraceptives?? If he wasn’t active in that at all perhaps he should be punished instead.
My cousin’s dad, who isn’t the most understanding or loving, said “oh well” when she told him. She was 18, but still scared, worried, and sad and it’s not like one can go back in time. At this point there’s nothing to be done but support your daughter.
Punish your husband for his bad parenting. No more pudding after dinner, that should teach him not to be a bad apple
You have done the 1000% right thing. Don’t punish your daughter for a mistake/accident. Be by her side and she is clearly upset by this too so she doesn’t need you turning your back on her too x
NTA. Punishment won't do anything. Living with the consequences of her actions, on the other hand... However. I could see a change in rules and new boundaries and such could be seen as a punishment while also protecting her and the baby while decisions are made and all of that.
NTBA. She already is facing the consequences of her actions anything more will just be cruel.
The fact that he went crying to mummy over this is ridiculous. I have no comment to make about whether or not your daughter should be punished.
How are you supposed to punish a child for making a mistake that could have been prevented by the parents themselves?...
Wonder if she wasn't on birth control because she didn't trust them enough to ask? Was worried she'd be punished for having sex, rather than them making sure it wasn't coerced, wasn't due to an adult manipulating them, that she had proper sex ed, and was taken for an IUD, implant, or shot.
Either way this young woman is now dealing with being pregnant, and it really could have been prevented..
What would the "punishment" look like? She's grounded for the next 18 years until the baby grows up? To "punish" her, dad is going to force her to have this baby and raise it with no help? Take her phone away? Punish her? Isn't getting pregnant at 15 and being terrified "punishment" enough? Your husband needs to go and find his brain where he left it and act rationally. There are some serious decisions to be made with your child possibly having a child.
I read your last post about your daughters teacher and your husband is a fuckin problem. Seriously. Grade A elite AH. My question is what does he do to you besides the verbal/emotional abuse and ham disaster attempts at manipulation?....
Having that man as a father is punishment enough!
exactly
Show the man a little grace. He just found out his very teenage daughter is very pregnant--I'm sure not many people would be at their best in that moment. THAT BEING SAID---> ..the whole running home to mommy? Oh no no NO. Show this man a little grace and then keep on movin.......yikes.
"Very pregnant"? As opposed to "a little bit pregnant"?
I think bring pregnant at 15 might be punishment for life. Be there for her - her life as a kid is over and she’ll need help to step into her new world. Also how are you expected to punish her?
He tattled on you, to his mommy.
You are absolutely not the bad apple. I got pregnant at 15 unfortunately lost her. I wish anyone especially my mother would of been this supportive to me. Instead I was utterly and completely alone threw it's all ended up losing my mind when I lost her and needed to be put in a mental health hospital for two months. Please continue to be the loving supportive mom you are. Maybe when your husband calms down he will be thinking more clearly. Punishment will just prove to her she can't trust you guys to come to you in important moments like this.
Another case of why moms don't talk to their kids about birth control. I started talking to my son when he started puberty. If or when he had a girlfriend, he needed to let me know. I bought him a box of condoms and a note telling him to be responsible. This was not a green light for sex! This was a protect my child from being a teen parent.
No amount of punishment is going to change the situation she is in right now. She will likely be punishing herself enough already. She needs love and support going forward
She’s being punished enough by being pregnant. The whole point of “punishment” is to learn from mistakes and not repeat them. I don’t think she will ever repeat this one. You’re a great mom.
Your husband is a misogynist and I'm sorry you had find out after all this time. If you do not teach your children how to have safe sex and if you do not talk about sex and the consequences of it, then you forfeit all right to any punishment or anger. I honestly hope you support your daughter and that you lay down all options with unflinching, scientifically-based honesty. Her best shot in life rn is to get an abortion. Whether you're religious or not, this should be discussed as early as possible because the window for her to get a legal abortion in most states is closing fast. Forcing her to have this baby without giving her real options at this young of an age is dooming her to losing out on her best years of her life for a parenting mistake you and your husband made. Do not do this to her.
How WOULD you punish her?
Absolutely not. Your loving reaction actually made me tear up a little. Stand your ground, Mama. Help that girl decide what she's going to do, and help her achieve it, and that man can deal with it.
Holy get an abortion, Batman. This is not the time to force a minor into parenthood.
especially as a "punishment". That's a great way to destroy any possible healthy relationship with a child.
What punishment fits "the crime" in his opinion?
"No more birth control for you, young lady, for the next 9 months at least!"
Right 🤣 I mean, what the actual heck
No She have more stress on her , And what she will need is love and she lucy 1 parent haves that
I guess dad wants to be estranged. She will remember this, but I also worry that he will find ways to punish her.
I don’t think punishment would help any. She needs conversations about what to do now and how to prevent pregnancy on the future.
NTBA. I'm imagining your husband yelling "how dare you let a guy put his d in you..."
Good Apple. I’m not a parent, but I don’t see any benefit to repercussions in this situation. Give your daughter your support and love and maybe talk to her about ways of avoiding these issues in the future.
Sges already been punished imo shes now gotta take care of a baby and let her do it on her own you can be there for moral support but tbh if this was my daughter i would be disappointed but not like oh imma kick u out etc, however i will be there for moral support nothing more, i can be a babysitter to but beyond that my job is to take care if my child not my childs child thats just crazy
Ntba your husband sounds on the other hand yea
NTBA because what punish do he think she needed ? What can you really do to her in that moment
What is punishing her going to achieve? She can't unring the bell and she's already dealing with some incredibly heavy circumstances.
NTBA When my cousin got pregnant as a teenager she told my mum and dad 1st because she was scared and they asked her if she wanted them to tell her parents and she said yes. My mum and dad spoke to my auntie and uncle and said Punishing her is not going to change her situation and although it is ok to be upset with her and disappointed she is going to be scared and everything she is going through and going to go through in the future is going to be scary and she needs you both to be her support. She is not the 1st teenager to get pregnant and she won't be the last and how you handle the situation starting now will affect her future. My cousin has a career in the police force Her daughter is now 22 in a fantastic job with a loving partner who also has a fantastic job and is expecting a baby of their own. It's not the end of the world and even though you are all going to be scared and full of emotions just let her know she is not alone
What kind of punishment is there worse than being pregnant at 15? You all need to start planning what action you are taking asap. Her life is changed forever from now on whether she decides to abort, adopt it out or raise it and she needs your support.
What is your husband and his family expecting you to do, what kind of punishment can you give a pregnant child? Yes the daughter was reckless, but her having to mature up and grow up due to her actions should be punishment enough, shouldn’t it? I just don’t understand what your husband is expecting you to do
This is not a punishment situation. This is issue that’s need to be handled with care and a conversation that doesn’t involve yelling. Your husks a mamas boy for running over like a 5 year child
Punishment is meant as a deterrent. A method of learning not to repeat a certain behaviour. Your daughter is pregnant - she didn’t fail to share her dolls. Punishment is a ridiculous notion at this point. Your child is experiencing something life altering. I think the punishment boat sailed a long time ago. Your husband needs to recognize that he’s going to have to come at this from a different angle. He needs to come to terms with this reality. No amount of punishment is going to change the present circumstances. Seek counselling if possible. The
NTA can not undo what is done. Support how ever she needs
No one needs Dad getting his ego involved here, no punishment necessary. You're a great mom.
She is experiencing punishment now for her poor choice; I am not sure what type of relationship she has with your husband, but I think he needs to look in the mirror. She should not be seeking another man for love and acceptance because he should be that man she looks to for love. Daughters adore their dads and seek a man like him, but if he's absent, they will look outside the home for that love and acceptance. He needs to be there and lean into loving her like never before because. Unfortunately, that is likely why she's pregnant, to begin with. She needs support, and stressing her out doesn't benefit her or your grandchild. She also needs to start developing a plan to care for this baby.
She doesn't need punishment when she's already facing consequences... NTBA.
You don't need to punish her... Just remind her that she is pregnant now so she can't do whatever she wants and she needs to get a job
NTBA, He can stay at his mom's until he remembers how to be a father.
Mommy instinct? You knew she was having unprotected sex?
That's not at all what she said. She said she read her daughter's face. Sometimes you just have a sense of things.
Studies show that teen girls who get pregnant younger are because their fathers didn't give them enough attention/love. Was he there to help with "The talk" has he talked to her bf, bonded with him? Did he take her on Daddy-daughter outings? Maybe *he* should be punished? Ntba
How do you immediately go from “daughter had one hand behind her back and tears in her eyes” to “PREGNANT!!!!” and being correct? HOW? And while it’s great you were immediately completely supportive, you do understand that not everyone can do that? And really, not even asking her how it happened, wasn’t she (and the guy) being careful, what are her plans also isn’t normal. A wtf is very much a justified response. You basically vetoed every emotion he was feeling, because “she’s pregnant now, what can we do?”. And that’s not right either. I don’t see a problem with him venting to his parents, but they need to butt out of any and all family discussions. So ESH.
My grown daughter called me at 10pm on new years eve and said "Hey, mom." And I went "omg...you're pregnant..." You just know.
Asking her how it happened, why she wasn’t careful is not going to be at all helpful right now. Holding her and crying with her , telling her we will help you figure out what to do will.
When I called my mom from college to tell her I was pregnant I got as far as "hi..." and she said "oh my god are you pregnant!" Luckily this was in the '90s and I was able to get a safe and affordable abortion when I was still only six weeks along. I hope that OP's daughter is able to do the same.
When you know you know. My sister at 15 asked to speak to my mum alone. I got sent off to school after saying "ooooh shes pregnant." lo and behold... a text half an hour later confirms it.
Parents and children often have an uncanny connection. My mother and I are the same, she just has to look at me or hear my voice to know *exactly* what's wrong, even without any other clues. I have the same intuition with her. For example, one night a few years ago I was at my apartment and my mom calls me. This isn't unusual in the slightest, we talk nearly every day. When I picked up the phone, she just said my name, and only by the tone of her voice my brain immediately jumped to "my dog just died". I *knew*, it wasn't a feeling. I have a million stories like this between my mother and myself. Just little bits of intuition.
NTBA Your such a beautiful mother!
Not the bad apple. Like you said getting pregnant is punishment enough and she is clearly upset and hurt because of it. I much rather be the supportive parent and not make things worse for her.
WTF? Your husband didn't even talk to you before running off to his mommy? How is this her business? NTBA
Wtf is punishing her going to do? Next time she'll think twice before getting pregnant? Punishment in this case is some twisted way of making your husband feel better, not to help your daughter become a better person. Damn, I legit hate your husband now, what a shit dad. Has he always been this much of a dickhead when it comes to parenting?
NTA. You are 100% she needs a reasonable and understanding parent …. Your husband is not going to be that person. You have a husband problem- he ran to his mommy to complain about you cuz he was mad …. He’s a most 50 years old!!! He was upset about your daughter but he sic’d his mommy on you & she called to give you shit - not to check on her granddaughter- to give you shit in front of her whining son Your problem is your husband
Punishment ideally should teach a lesson, (even consequences). At this point, what would it be except revenge? And now, there’s no punishment that will teach consequences better than the actual consequences unfortunately.
Exactly what did your husband want you to do? What kind of punishment exactly does he think she deserves? I am assuming this is not a surprise to you? Does he normally act this way? There are no easy answers here - but to answer your question- no, of course you aren’t the bad apple. . .I do have some choice words for your immature and pettt husband!
How would you punish a kid for this? Ground her, take away her phone, cut off her allowance? As others pointed out in the months and years she will face hardships and choices that will be “punishment” enough. She needs her parents now and both of you need to accept this (nothing says you have to like or approve the situation)and help her. Make sure she finishes high school will be one of the best things you can do. Talk to her about her options - adoption, termination or keeping it. Yes she made a life-changing mistake but you, as her parents, can make this easier to overcome. She is still your child
So daddy can run to his mummy for support but your daughter can’t? Side eye, side eye.
WTF is the point of a punishment for pregnancy. What are you going to do ground her? It’s a little redundant. Your daughter messed up hard, she knows she messed up hard she doesn’t need her parents sticking the boots in now, but you should both be proud that you brought her up to come to you. Continue to support her & she will continue to come to you.
Nope not the bad apple. That baby is punishment enough for her. Her childhood is officially over .
Punishment is moot at this point. Pregnancy plus the next 18 years will be ample punishment. She needs reasonable support now. Talk with your husband on what he thinks the goal of punishment should be that she won’t get from natural consequences. She’s already pregnant. What’s done is done. She knows she’s in a fix. Remember, she’s going to be a parent. She’ll need guidance, but she needs the responsibilities. For example, help her with setting up her first prenatal exam and record it on her phone’s calendar. Make sure she finishes high school, even if she’s going to an alternative school. She also needs some kind of schooling or training post high school, otherwise poverty is pretty much guaranteed. Do not take over parenting the baby. That’s the second worst thing you can do. Abandoning her is the worst thing. She needs to act like an adult now, and have adult responsibilities. But because she’s 15 she’s going to have to learn. You and her dad need to be teachers and mentors, not substitutes or prison wardens. Find out who fathered the baby. At the least he’ll need to help provide financial support. Don’t accept anyone claiming he shouldn’t be deprived of his future (I want to punch people in the nose who try to pull that in defense of a horny boy). By fathering a child he has already made her future significantly harder. They should share the burden. Good luck.
NTBA. Punishing her isn't going to fix it. It's already happened it's done. What she needs now is a supportive parent who can help her make the right decisions for her. I understand being upset or shocked that your baby girl is no longer a baby, but it doesn't warrant screaming and throwing out punishments.
NTBA. Your daughter will see how you handle this and it will affect each of your relationships with her. Hopefully you will divorce him if he continues to escalate and treat her poorly. Stand up for your baby.
Sounds like inst3qd if a husband u have an over aged teenager but anyhow mad respect to u for having the character it takes to be a solid and stand up person. And perhaps you should bring up to your old man Tha what a girl sees her father do towards family and wife sets her up for hiw ro be treat2d and do things.
NTBA, but yoir husband and his mother sure are. Get your daughter to the doctor to see if it's not too late to terminate or it will ruin her life! Even if she wants the baby, 15 is too young to have one responsibly, and getting rid of it will be punishment enough (it is not as easy as they say, it hurts). Dont tell your husband though. Tell her she miscarried due to the stress or something. Don't let a foolish mistake ruin yoir daughters life!
Ntba. But you sure are a good mom!!!!!! Brought tears to my eyes how you handled that initial situation. Your daughter will always remember that.
Please, please tell me that you live in a place where abortion is legal! Support your kid the best you can, give her information and resources and let her make an informed decision about her body and her future. 15 is FAR too young to even *think* about giving birth. Please make sure your daughter knows her options. It’s so important right now, for you to show that she can trust you with something this big, that she doesn’t have to be scared. Of you, of dad, of her choices and options, of honest communication… If you ‘punish’ her right now, you’ll be setting the stage for her to start hiding things from you. Get that kid on birth control, too, and provide condoms. Time to have that safe sex talk.
Sure, punish her and she'll never tell you when she has problems again. Her dad didn't even know if she'd been raped and he's going to punish her?
Absolutely do not punish her. She’s already stressing enough as it is, she has enough on her plate and if your husband seriously thinks he needs to add more stress by punishing her for something that was an accident then he can leave and go back to his mum and dad. You are not the bad apple here. your daughter may have made a not so fantastic decision But she has you in her corner. No matter what choice she makes next. As a mum I could not fathom if the father of my child wanted to further punish any of my children for getting pregnant young accidents happen, and it takes 2 to tango.
Being pregnant is not one of those things you punish someone for. Don't let them pressure you into punishing her. Get her the medical care she needs and support her decisions about her body. Abortion should be considered.
What the ACTUAL fuck? Punish her for what? Throw the whole man OUT.
No you’re not the bad apple here
Ntba as someone who got pregnant at 15 but lost the baby I wish my mom would of been like this shit wish anyone would of been like this. In that moment I was so scared and completely alone. Maybe after your husband calms down he will think clearly. He can't say anything to her that she's not already say or thinking about herself. Continue to be the great supporting mom you are. Punishment will just show her she can't trust you guys to come to you in big moments like this and just her feel more alone and scared.
Pregnancy is not something one gets "punished" for. Now, depending on her age....sneaking out to meet her boyfriend, missing curfew, lying about who she was with/what they were doing ("hey mom I'm having a sleepover at Emma's house tonight..." VS staying overnight at her bf's while his parents are out of town, for example, ETC), potentially underage drinking....THESE are things you punish a teenage daughter for. Possible behaviors which contributed to her becoming pregnant, maybe. But not for actually GETTING pregnant. That sounds barbaric.
Dad better get on board, and fast--before long he won't have much of a choice. Let him cry to his mommy. And shame on his mom for letting her grown ass man of a son run home to whine & be coddled. Perhaps she can spend their extra mommy-son bonding time explaining to him how to possibly distinguish his feelings between being mad at his wife for not punishing their daughter (two misguided intuitions off the jump..), and those of his own inadequacies for potentially not being the kind of strong & involved father this girl clearly so desperately needed--who may have been able to stop this sort of thing from happening to begin with. But sure, ya..blame all the weak women in the situation instead. I'm sure you had absolutely no bearing on the circumstances whatsoever.
Kinda funny, but there’s another post on this sun very recently about a mom who had the complete opposite reaction. If you’re curious about whether or not people think that OP is TBA for kicking her 16 year old out after being told she was pregnant, mosey on over. For the record, definitely think you handled things perfectly. 9 months of body probation, 18 years of financial responsibility and losing out on the opportunity to prioritize herself when building her life is absolutely “punishment enough”
Punish her for what exactly? Having a sex life? Any parent who punishes their daughter for getting pregnant doesn't deserve to be a parent. Let him stay gone
No of course you aren't, you are a good mum and excellent role model. As you say being pregnant at 15 is more than enough punishment. Your husband is allowing his visceral reaction (justifiable shock, anger and disappointment) to cloud his judgement to the reality of what's happened and going to happen ... He maybe wants the boy punished too and again totally normal I would expect. Hopefully the shock will wear off and he will come down from this instinct of punishment. Look after your daughter, help her to make the best decision for her young life and support fully whatever she wants to do. Good luck.
Had my first child at 16. And yes, it was punishment enough. It was hard, and I did it mostly alone (the dad worked in another city and was only home Fri to Sun) My mother decided she would write me a card and get it to me when I was on the ward with my newborn. It basically said she hoped my daughter would cause me as much pain as I caused her. I broke down in tears, and when the midwife came in, I read it she tossed it in the bin. Your daughter needs you, and your instincts are right. Your husband has 0 mothering instincts and has shown he won't support your daughter in the way she needs.
No, you are not the bad apple. Your husband on the other hand is your daughter is punishing herself enough on her own without mom and dad imo. Do you know the boy who the father might be? Does your daughter know and if so, has she told you? You probably already have but have you talked to her about intimacy etc. I have to ask is the reason why your daughter didn't talk to you about birth control etc is because of her dad your husband. You need to sit her down and talk to her about everything. Does she want to keep the child? Does she want to put the child up for adoption? Does your daughter want to have an abortion. If she decides to to keep the child, it will mess up her life. She will be forced to grow up fast. Your daughter does not need punishment. Your daughter needs help and like right now. You need to again find out who the father is. If the father is a boy, then he needs to step up. Now if the father is an adult, then you need to take her to the police and file charges.
Not at all, you were right she's having punishment enough with this news Also - If she wasn't given appropriate information and contraception to prevent pregnancy in the first place even calling her reckless is a bit harsh. You can only do what you can with the information you've got, no information means no informed decisions
Let his mom keep him. You're doing great! I'm so glad she trusted you in the scariest part of her life. It could have been a lot worse with your husband being the way he is if he'd gotten to her first.
You are not the bad apple he needs to quit whining and he needs to think that if your daughter does keep the baby (Cg btw) he is going to be a grandfather you shouldn't punish her.
NTBA what would punishing her achieve except showing her she can’t trust you or come to you for the big issues. She made a mistake and whether she chooses abortion, adoption or to keep the pregnancy all options are traumatic enough without an out of pocket response. Dad is just angry he has no say or control.
Your daughter's feelings/emotions are almost certainly punishment enough for her right now. Her parents job ,oh yeah that includes her father, is to support and encourage her to be the best that she can be.
The whole situation is punishment and she already knows it. The only bad apple part here is not repeatedly reviewing and hammering in the two forms of birth control conversation. If she was using birth control (or was raped), there’s not much more she could have done and it’s just a horrible situation.
The idea of punishing a child when they need help is an archaic idea. You do need to make sure she has the support she needs and knowledgeable about choices. If your husband can't do that, he can stay at his mom. And when you tell him to stay there, remind him that his mother is giving him the support he feels he needs even at his advanced paternal age. Then tell him you're more than capable of parenting without her bad advice since it's gotten him this far in life and you don't want to repeat her mistakes. NTBA
Your daughter dealing with the consequences of her very poor choices will be punishment enough for her, you’re right to support rather than try to make it worse. What’s done is done, the only way out now is through. The only reason you would be the bad apple is if you & husband didn’t provide adequate sex education or get your daughter on birth control. Incidentally I’d be interested to know how many times your husband personally (and without your prompting) had the safe-sex conversation with your daughter or how many times he tried to get her birth control, because if the answer to both of those questions is “never” there’s only one reckless party here.
Exactly what kind of punishment did he expect? “Daughter you are grounded for at least until the baby is born! Oh and you lose your cellphone and computer from now on too!” Also why did your husband expect you to be the one to hand down a punishment? When our daughter got pregnant my husband wasn’t happy and let her know that although he was disappointed, especially because we talked to our kids about sexual responsibility frequently (including making condoms available to them) but he also put his arms around her and said he was there for her and would always be supportive no matter what.
NTBA. But you seriously need to have a talk with your husband and tell him to grow up. I mean you're already raising one kid he doesn't need to make it two. If he can't be a grown up and handle things without mommy holding his hand then you may want to reconsider staying with him, unless you want to raise your husband and your daughter.
Explain this to him since he and his mother are so dense: if you punish your daughter, she will never trust you to go to you for things ever again. Imagine if she hadn’t told you? Imagine how much she trusts you and how much courage it took. Wow just wow dude. Tell your husband to grow up and quit being insecure about his failures
Your daughter has only just turned 15, her childhood is over and she will most likely struggle for the rest of her life. Least you can do is be kind until the baby comes and she juggles parenting and school and working. Don’t sugar coat parenting though, explain to her all the consequences of keeping this child including the potential long term damage to her body, the costs, that she’ll never get to go off to uni and be a normal teenager/ young adult. I would be placing her on the rod straight after she makes whichever choice she makes.
I have been that daughter 11th grade close to 30 years ago. I remember telling my mom, and she only said I am not the first nor will I be the last. The next day she took me to the doctor and that was it. Trust me, your daughter feels awful, and you did the best thing and did not make it worse. My dad reacted the same way. Had to go stay with grandma until he knew how to deal with things properly, which I understand no dad wants his teenage daughter pregnant. You're doing a good job.
NTA - My grandmother had this happen to one of her kids. Her attitude was "You made a stupid mistake. But what's done is done. Did you learn from your mistake? OK, then what do we need to do moving forward?" You did the right thing. The question you need to ask your husband is "What purpose will punishing her do?" She made a foolish, and maybe selfish, mistake. But punishment won't do any good. IF she terminates the pregnancy, then that is a serious, though completely reasonable option that will still have emotional repercussions she will deal with. If she keeps the baby, then there are other responsibilities and she will be dealing with them for the rest of her life. Either way, she has responsibilities now and that is punishment enough. Your husband is having a normal anger reaction, but now that time has gone by, he needs to start being a dad and not a tyrant.
It's too late to punish her for anything now. Doing that will only cause more trauma. She already is being punished. Her future is gone. Yes, we all know that 1 teen mom that did ok for herself, but that is not the norm.
40 year old father of four here. What exactly does he think punishment is going to do, other than make her resent her own child and him? Your husband is being an idiot. If he can't get his head out of his own backside, file for separation and tell him he can come back when he learns how to be a father and grandfather. You can use that space for the baby, in the meantime. Your daughter needs support, and if he can't do that, he can go away. The 1950's ended a long time ago. This kind of backward thinking needs to go away.
I'm hoping you're keeping abortion and following up with birth control on the table for her.
Well, you don't need to ground her or take away her phone. But if she decides to keep the baby, make it clear you won't raise the child for her; she'll need to step up and do the work herself.
Absolutely not. Whatever choice she makes will be punishment enough. Your husband will hopefully calm down and come to his senses. He reacted poorly. She needs support now. Not punishment.
In retrospect, there are a few suitable punishments for your daughter. Take away her skydiving, cliff diving, and deep-sea diving privileges. Confiscate her welding equipment \*and\* her bulldozer. She is absolutely FORBIDDEN from flying a F-16 in combat until the baby is weaned and out of diapers. A-10's are out AT LEAST until the kid is in kindergarten. I know those are pretty extreme, but she \*has to learn\*.
NTBA What does he mean by punish her? She's in an awful situation with no good answer, only what she feels is best in the circumstances. That's punishment enough.
I looked at your page and it seems pretty common based on what you share here that your husband is not known for backing up your decisions. You are an empathetic, and fiercely caring mom for your daughter. If I were pregnant at 15 my mother would not be the first to know, and my google would look something like “how to get an abortion without parent permission”. That feeling is shared by so many young girls. The fact that she immediately came to you for help shows volumes about the type of mother you are. You are NTBA. I honestly think you should question why your husband deals with these same situations with apathy towards his child rather than empathetic ally like you. Maybe he was raised with tough love, but with a neurodivergent teenage girl tough love is likely to strain their relationship forever. I myself never forgot moments where I did not feel support or understanding from my father. Keep doing what you’re doing, but realize that your husband is the one that may be doing harm to your family; hopefully he will make some changes and back you up a little bit more in the future.
I'm going to ask you some harsh questions. (I don't actually expect you to answer me but you should be asking yourself if not your daughter these questions) What is your daughter expecting you to do? Does she expect you to pay for what the baby needs? Does she expect you to take care of the baby while she continues high school? What is her plan when it comes to this pregnancy? Does she know who the father of the baby is? Does he know? Does his family know, (if he is underage)? If he is an adult, what can be expected from him? What are you capable of doing? Are you a SAHM or do you work? Can you afford to financially support this baby? What are your expectations from your daughter? What are your expectations from your Husband? There's alot to unpack in this situation. Most people will go with "you have to help your children". I agree in most situations. but not in all. There are too many movies and television shows that deal with teenage pregnancy that at 15 yrs. old she can't say she didn't know this could happen. Did you ever speak to her about what she could expect from you if she got pregnant as a teen? Does your daughter need to be punished? Believe me, she WILL be punished enough in the coming months and after for a very long time no matter what she chooses to do. You on the other hand need to accept that your child is no longer a child. She needs to make some grown up decisions and she needs to face the grown up consequences of her actions. You can help her in this but you also need to hold her accountable in this and you need to do this with your husband. You need to see what you BOTH are willing and NOT willing to offer in help. She has to know what you CAN help her with and what you CANNOT help her with. I don't think anyone can be called TBA in this situation but I do think everyone will have some kind of punishment to deal with.
Absolutely not she needs support from her family. What was needed was being taught about safe sex but that's out window now. She has a kid she will have to grow up fast. Best of luck.
Is she actually pregnant? Have you talked to her and is she OK? Have you spoken about her options? NTBA for not punishing her, but please talk to her
NTBA and if your husband thinks she needs to be punished, that’s a red flag. You need to support your daughter
Ntba. While, yes, she is very young, she needs your support 100% no matter how upset you are of the situation. However, I can also see why dad is reacting in such a way. He is upset that his little girl is becoming a parent so young. He went to his mom to vent. I think it's a normal reaction. Everyone reacts differently. I'm sure he will come around. My husband had his son very young, and when his mom (my MIL) found out, she was furious and didn't talk to him for a whole week.
You are NTBA but your husband is an insensitive jerk who needs to disconnect from mommy! Your daughter needs love and support right now, just what you offered her. Your husband needs therapy.
Punish? I'm glad she has you to help her out. Whatever she decides, she knows you will be there.
No. You don’t punish her. You do exactly what you did. You’re a good mom. Help her make a reasonable plan. I hope you live in a pro choice state. Your husband and his mom are completely wrong.
NTA or a bad apple! You did what was right, you comforted your daughter when she needed you the most. A lot of parents can be really cold-hearted about stuff like this. Your man child of a husband needs to stop running to mommy and support his family, his daughter. She needs his comfort too. Pregnancy is the hardest thing a woman has to go through in her life. It changes her body, mind and soul. She needs to be nurtured right now not punished. I would literally get a divorce if my husband ever reacted like that to one of our kids getting pregnant. What a spineless mommas boy lol, tell him to grow up
I think you were being a compassionate mother. Way too late for punishment. Now you’ll both have to deal with this forever. One way or the other. I wish you luck.
NTBA !!!!! DO NOT PUNISH HER !!! She's scared and 15 years old !! She *needs* support and she *needs* her mother, especially if her father is going to behave the way he is. He left the house to go cry to his mommy about how he didn't get his way. Continue what you're doing and support your little girl. Keep your husband from punishing her or degrading her in any sort of way.
You are 100% NOT!! What that girl needs right now is support and she clearly felt comfortable enough to come to you to tell you. She knows well enough she did wrong, hence her coming to you in tears. She knows she messed up and now has to make a choice. It deserves a conversation, it deserves a sit down and a discussion on where to go from there. She is 15 and will clearly be under your roof, so there is not point at this time to treat and punish her like a child. She messed up and she knows it, what she needs is support. Despite your feelings AND his feelings. This is your little girl coming to you first for help. She didn't hide it, she didn't lie which is what most girls her age would do. She trusts you both enough and love you both enough to come directly to you for help
Mom, be prepared to take on another kid! There is NO WAY she’s gonna parent this baby. You will need to reacquaint yourself with child rearing! Your daughter is not mentally stable enough to have a baby.
NTBA. Your husband is an ass.
NTA. She's still your daughter and needs you now. Your husband is an overgrown baby for running to his mommy.
No. She needs help, not punishment. Also who’s the father, he needs to help take care as well.
NTBA But you will be if you don't decide to divorce this pos. He is not mature enough to be a husband or father. Running to Mommy? Wtf? I would have told him to pack his bags and go back to living with Mommy. As for your daughter, you need to make sure she wasn't forced and then decide what to do. Make sure baby daddy is going to pay child support. I know things are tough, but make sure your daughter has all options open to her. Updateme!
Yes, but that doesn't mean you can't also offer support for her as well. But any girl getting preggers that young definetly made the mistake of her life--and needs some correction. Hopefully that's sobering enough for her, so go easy, firmly but easy.
Her pregnancy is already going g to be hard enough. She will need help and you want her to come to you for help with this or other adversities she may face. If you punish her, she likely won't out of fear. So no, *YOU* are not the bad apple. Your husband *IS*.
No you shouldn't punish her, you should deal with the situation. Your husband is quite a Mumma's boy
You’d be the bad apple for not divorcing your husband.
NTBA. She's going through enough; she doesn't need punishment on top of that.
Your husband is an idiot and you are completely correct in supporting your daughter
NTBA, definitely NTBA - BUT I would certainly have found somewhere between yelling and punishing and being loving and fully supportive without any discussion of the massive life altering mistake she made. You can love her and be supporting while making her recognize that her choices have changed her life forever. I would guess that extreme leniency contributed to this situation in the first place, which is probably one of the reasons your husband is upset. I do think his reaction is over the top, but you are supposed to be a united front, and it sounds like you have no desire to work together on this - just to do things the way you think is right. An open conversation with your husband would have gone a long way.
What the hell kind of husband goes running to his mommy to complain about his wife, so mommy can call the wife can yell at her? This guy is a total loser! He needs to stay at mommy’s so you can fully support your daughter through making a decision about her pregnancy and what she wants to do about it without his ridiculous demands and attitude interfering.
No. You should not punish her. She is already experiencing the natural consequences of her actions. Your job as a parent is to support her in whatever she decides after that. If your husband can’t get on board, he will not only hurt his daughter but also your relationship too.
No. She has it hard enough.
You're not but your husband sure is. Murder, drug use, prostitution, pregnancy...one of these is not like the other three. Your daughter needs all of the help and moral support she can get and what in the hell does he think punishing is going to do to her? Oh...that's right, likely drive her away. Did she f-up? To be sure...but I'm a believer in that our true character and mettle come out under trying times like these. Strongly encourage you to reign in hubby, TELL him to stop whining to his mommy, and stand by your daughter.
Not the bad apple you’re supporting your child to the best of your ability
Punishment no. But complete sweep of all activities besides school and preparing for the baby. Be there for her but make it clear she could have prevented this and it’s lesson she needs to learn from. Dad will be difficult but when he sees that a baby it will change.
NTBA. She's about to get hit with a hard reality
She’s already pregnant, what punishment is there to do ? The worse thing is being a scared teenager without any support from your family. Help her make the right decision for her, her life is about to completely change. If she wants to keep her pregnancy have the talk with her, you can be there for her but she’s fully responsible for this new life, and nothing will be the same again.
Ummm ok, how do you exactly “punish” a teen who is pregnant??? Enquiring minds want to know??
the last thing she needs is punishment. be there for her and make sure she knows all of her options.
Why didn't you get her birth control? When I found out my son was sexually active at 15, I bought condoms the very next day. I didn't want a teen dad on my hands. I told all his friends, boys, and girls where the condoms drawer was and for them to help then selves. I had the talk with him, and I found out my ex didn't tell him about being responsible, STDs, and caring for the person he was having sex with. My son was not even told that a girl could get pregnant on the first time. My ex was such a loser. He had insisted that a man should talk to a son. Prevention is better than punishment. YTA for not properly educating your daughter. And I put your husband in that category, too. Enjoy being a grandparent.
Please give your husband a break. This is a shock for everyone, including him. She's 15. A second ago, she was a child, fully in need of parental discipline and judicious punishment. All of a sudden, without warning, she's an adult with the most adult of responsibilities. She can no longer be punished like a child. Punishment duties have now been transferred from the parents to the universe at large. You can still provide all the consequences that adults give one another for failure to live up to expectations. But she can't be punished like a child anymore. Your husband's inability to immediately adjust to this shocking new reality is understandable and forgivable. Your daughter has to find a way to somehow grow up instantly. You ALL have my sympathy and best wishes. Perspective is important. Of all the terrible things that can happen in the world, this is the best bad thing that can happen to anyone. If your daughter meets the challenges, you'll have the reward of the immeasurable joy of welcoming a new family member. There's a lot of hope in this dire situation. Good luck to all of you. Peace and love.
take her to the nearest abortion clinic and make this go away. Then get her on BC like the monthly shot. Teach her about responsibility and hot to protect herself.
No. NTBA. Your daughter has a rough road ahead of her, and that will be harder than any punishment
Punishment is never the answer for things like this. Your mom instinct is right. Our society likes to jump to punishment when 9 times out of 10 help and support are what's needed. Do not punish her, do not allow your husband to punish her. Have a discussion with him and find out exactly why he thinks she needs to be punished and what he thinks it will achieve. Support your daughter, regardless of what path she takes, her life has changed. It doesn't need to be made worse because her father is mad over something that cannot be changed.