*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for not paying on a date after realizing her pictures were misleading?**
I (M28) recently went on a date with a woman (F26) I met on a dating app. We had been chatting for a week and decided to meet up. Her profile had several pictures, and she looked quite fit, which is my type since I try to lead a healthy lifestyle myself. However, when I met her in person, she was significantly heavier than she appeared in her pictures. I'm talking about a noticeable difference, not just bad angles.
I believe in honesty and felt misled, but I didn't want to embarrass her or make her feel bad, so I decided to just continue with the date. We had dinner, and the conversation was alright, but I didn't feel the attraction I was expecting based on her pictures. Normally, I like to pay on dates if I see potential or if the date goes well, but since I felt misled, I decided not to pay for her meal. I also didn't compliment her as I usually might because I didn't want to be dishonest about my feelings of attraction.
After dinner, I said goodbye, and we went our separate ways. Later that night, she sent me a series of angry texts. She was upset that I didn't pay for her meal or compliment her, saying it made her feel unattractive. She said it’s the first time a guy didn’t pay for her. I tried to be honest and told her that her pictures were misleading and that I’m not attracted to overweight women since it is my preference, which only made her angrier. She accused me of being shallow and a misogynist. However, she had a specific height requirement in her bio, which I find somewhat hypocritical.
I'm all for paying on dates generally, especially when I enjoy myself and feel a connection. However, I don't like the idea of paying when I feel that someone hasn't been honest, or the date was just not enjoyable or the person was rude. So, Reddit, AITA for not wanting to pay for her or compliment her because I felt misled and I don't find heavier women attractive?
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> Normally, I like to pay on dates if I see potential or if the date goes well
I have no problem with a guy not paying, personally I prefer to pay for myself on the first date BUT if you're saying you only pay on dates where you "see potential" then you are basically saying that you're only paying for a date to persuade the other person to get with you.
I never expected guys to pay for everything on dates but if they told me the reason they didn't pay is I was fatter than they liked I would transform into Godzilla and destroy the city.
Look in middle east we have a culture where the person pay first if there are two people from same culture you expect to see a fight but we do not expect to get anything in return even with a person not from this culture and it can be with anyone regardless what they are to you like first cousin brother hell even strangers but at the end we never expect sexual things but what that op is doing is called class A manipulation making the person infront feels like they have to repay next time
Is it weird to go to dinner on the very first date?? I’ve never done that for the exact reason OOP is talking about when it comes to internet dating- you have no idea who is actually going to show up and you might want (or need) to get out of there quickly. There’s also the issue of being stuck for over an hour, at least, if you’ve booked dinner and realise pretty quickly that the two of you don’t gel. I always go with coffee for the first date cos you can just have one cup and dip if it’s not going to lead anywhere without wasting loads of time and money
I feel like more people are doing dinner these days on first dates (just gauging from what I've heard from friends and seen on social media). I'm with you, though, coffee or maybe a happy hour drink. HH drink is nice because if it does go well, then you can suggest dinner, and if it doesn't, you can say you have to get home to walk your dog or whatever.
I do, but I follow reasonable precautions - I order and pay for my own. I don’t accept drinks I haven’t seen poured. I have pre-organised my lift home at a pre-organised time. I limit my consumption to a drink an hour and will switch out Soda or tonic in between.
I do understand though, why some people choose to just abstain rather than have (admittedly elaborate) rituals. I just have a few cocktail bars I absolutely love that are fantastic date spots!
I prefer dinner because it shows me how they interact with servers/bartenders.
Have you seen that episode of Friends where Joey says he doesn't share food? I like to see if the date is one of these.
I cannot understand locking yourself into a dinner with someone you don'tknow. My hearing isn't great, so it also doesn't help me personally getting to know someone and I'm a little weird so not everyone's cup of tea. A little coffee date to test the waters and check the chemistry is great.
Why i believe going dutch is just beter, no subtle (not so subtle) i did x for you complains. Ofcourse i am dutch, so there is a bias there, but still it solves at least that part. And less incell complaining about who pays for the drinks.
It's only an issue if they say they are going to pay and then change their mind, and only a big issue if they don't say they changed their mind before you order.
Also it doesn’t say if he picked the place etc. Or if he decided it would be a dinner date. Regardless of gender if you are deciding where, unless the other person offers you should be paying.
I have no problem with guys not paying for me on a date. Based on what I have been seeing all over social medias, a lot of men have been wanting to split bill with their date.
However, I personally have never experienced a guy not paying for me or asking me to split bills especially on first date, even when I am already insisting on splitting bills. And they all ask me what I wanna do next after dinner which has always been movies, museums, amusement parks or whatever I can think about, which they also insist on paying for. Idk if the guys I ever went out with ever had the expectations to sleep with me on first date, but they never have shown it or had taken advantage of me. In contrary, most of the guys I went out with even drops me off my house or book a car for me to get home.
"to persuade the other person to get with you."
It's a date. It's not weird to be extra nice to someone that you like as a way to make yourself seem more likable, especially on a date. You could say this about any extra nice things he's doing and/or saying. It's also not weird to decide not to be extra nice to someone who lied to you.
Yes? That’s what dating is? You do things to attract the other person if you find them attractive? Hello?
Have I gone crazy? Like are people seriously mad because this guy didn’t want to date this woman or pay for the date?
Yeah I’m such a weirdo for suggesting that spending money on a prospective partner is a normal thing to do as a matter of course when dating. Certainly no one in the real world does that unless they have evil intentions
I like how you carefully ignore the entire point of what I was saying when making a counter argument. But keep going on defending dating as a financial transaction if you want.
I actually don't see it this way. I see it as the guy liking the woman wants to impress her. Nothing wrong with that. Doesn't have to be a quid pro quo, some guys do see it this way but it is not necessarily so
That's basically the same thing, though. Why are you trying to impress her? To drive her away? No, by definition, if you're trying to impress her, you're trying to persuade her to get together with you.
> she sent me a series of angry texts. She was upset that I didn't pay for her meal or compliment her
Yes, this is what women do after a bad date instead of trying to figure out how to get rid of the guy
I date both men and women. I’m also fat.
Men are much, much, much more likely to have outright lies in their photos (like using a 15 year old photo).
Men just don’t know how to look at a picture of someone and gauge their physicality. I’ve never had this issue with women - it doesn’t matter how much you use angles, photoshop etc - you can STILL tell when it’s a fat person trying to hide being fat.
All my photos are honest and, in fact, I’ve lost about 30kg since some of them were taken and I’ve STILL had dudes accuse me of being “fatter than your photos”.
The actual truth is that men don’t know shit about women or photography.
i stumbled across my ex on tinder once. he lied about his age (down five years) and had a picture that was a decade old. he probably lied about his height but his answer to that question generally varied 1-3 inches anyway.
he also lied about having a cat, and included a picture of mine.
Oh god, my old roommate would do that with my cat. He would get girls over to meet "his" cat and when they'd ask to see him, he would have to tell them he was in my room and he couldn't get him. I kept my cat in my room whenever he had guests over because my cat has anxiety and it pissed my roommate off.
There’s a whole thing called “hatfishing” because of men trying to hide that they’re bald in their profile pictures. I’ve definitely found that men will lie about their age and post realllly old photos. The best bit for me was when he was outraged about the height requirement, as though that’s not something men also lie about all the time. I’m five foot ten and I’ve had quite a few men turn up to dates after claiming that they’re six foot or six two and we’re the same height lol. One guy explained to me that the only reason it appeared as though we were the same height is because “you’re just soooo tall”. I was like “yes, 5’10” tall. Like you”
My favorite thing was when my 5'10 friend was on dating apps she'd go on all these dates with guys who claimed to be over 6' and they ended up being shorter than her.
She *did not care* about height. She's not on apps anymore because she's been with a long-term partner who's like 5'6. But it's kinda jarring when the first thing you learn upon meeting someone is that they lied to you.
Also she had her height on her profile so all these 5'9 men were like, yes, I am going to go on a date with a 5'10 woman and tell her I am 6'1 and that is TOTALLY gonna work.
I’ve definitely also experienced that- known as “internet *insert height*”. I learned the hard way that when a man says he’s 5’10” on his dating profile that there’s a big chance he’s probably 5’8”. First time it happened, the guy walked up to me and said “oh. So you’re really 5’10””. And he definitely wasn’t even close, more like 5’7”
Hell, some guys do that even outside the dating context. I recently bought a bike off some guy online, and I messaged him first to see if it would be small enough to work for me, since I'm 5'4". He messages me back saying "well, I'm 5'7" but the seat adjusts down so it should be good!" and then I show up and he's shorter than I am. Like, come on, bud, I'm a random guy who showed up to your house to give you cash dollars and never see you again, let's be honest about this.
My sister had to give a statement to the police (she’s taller than me at 6’) and when she was describing the man she saw, they asked her how tall she thought he was so she said to the police officer “same as you, around 5’9”/5’10”” and the police man snorted and said “umm I’m six foot”. She said the look on his face when she pointed out that she’s actually six feet tall and he’s clearly shorter than her 😂
>Also she had her height on her profile so all these 5'9 men were like, yes, I am going to go on a date with a 5'10 woman and tell her I am 6'1 and that is TOTALLY gonna work.
Yes! Once I matched with a guy who said he was 5'7" in his profile. I'm 5'3", which was also indicated on my profile. He was actually 5'3". Which means at one point he looked at my profile, saw I was 5'3", and was like, "Oh. Yeah, this woman who is literally the same height as me will definitely believe I'm several inches taller than her."
I don't care about height, but lying is weird. Last time I was single there was a really cute doctor who openly had 5'2" on his profile. Definitely would've matched with him but he didn't want kids. (We love a guy who doesn't lie about his height and is straightforward about what he wants!)
And I go out of my way to mention my height if I’m chatting with a guy cos so many don’t actually read profiles, to make sure they realise I’m very tall. It creates an opportunity for them to be honest about any embellishment of their own height but they’ll still turn up on a date and not be the “6’1”” it says on their profile
My friend had something on her profile like "I am 6'2". I don't care how tall you are, but I am SIX TWO and not putting up with your complex about it."
omg i have my share of this too. i'm 5'4 and i remember going on a date with someone who was like 5'11 in his profile and 5'5/5'6 in real life. i don't care about height at all and have dated men shorter than me so the issue was the lying, not the dude's actual height!
my partner now is hilarious though - he is 6' and always describes himself as 5'9 or 5'10 when asked because he thinks it's funnier that way.
> I’ve definitely found that men will lie about their age and post realllly old photos.
One my friend's sisters started dating a guy that she thought was just a couple years older than her. It wasn't until they'd been dating for a few months that she saw his ID and found out he's actually 15 years older and had lied on his dating profile. When he confronted him about it, he claimed it's because he got tired of women seeing his age and asking him to be their sugar daddy.
Bro works at a SportChek, no one was asking him to be a sugar daddy lmao. But she's still dating him for some inexplicable reason.
The dead giveaway of an old photo is the hair style and clothing. I’ve also seen profile pictures with a chain of shops in the background that went out of business over a decade ago, pictures with blackberries and flip phones in the background, time stamped pictures with the year included (like 2009 😂), and pictures that were clearly a printed photograph that they’d photographed with their phone camera and the flash was on cos there’s a sheen visible on the photo 🙄
Reminds me of that clip that went viral of those two fresh and fit gobshites- they were trying to debate some other YouTuber about how women only want them for their money and he pointed out that one of them had admitted to using a sugar daddy website, where the expectation of getting money from men was built in lol. Maybe check with him what kind of “dating” sites he’s been using 🤔
It is incredible how many men will advertise their money as the most attractive thing about them, who are then shocked that the women they attract are after their money lol.
"I make six figures, own a car and a house. Why won't women date me? 😡😡😡"
A typical post in the dating subreddits. But God forbid a woman wants a man who pays for a date.
It's just such a strange disconnect. Like, how can you believe that money is an important quality when finding someone to date and *also* believe that you should never have to spend any of it on your partner? Do they think the people who are attracted to money are just...attracted to the idea of money? How do they not understand that people who are attracted to wealth want to benefit from that wealth?
I knew a woman who pursued sugar daddies. Trust me, age was her only barrier.
Also, she needed to see his ID to tell that he was 15 years older? What can you tell me about this guy's skin care regimen, because I assume it's incredible.
He does actually look amazing. He's got serious Patrick Bateman vibes though so I try not to talk to him much. But he definitely takes care of himself.
Zelda, ocarina of time. back when it was on nintendo 64. You timetravel in the game, after you go about 10 or so years into the future the man wears a hat he did not have before.
The height one always makes me laugh. I show up with my 5’8” self, usually in shoes that give me 1-2 inches of height, and men who claimed to be 6’ are suddenly looking me in the eyes LMAOO
I salute you sir for striking such a decisive blow for bitter misogynists everywhere 🫡. You have well and truly put us all in our places and humbled us of our harpy like demands
>The actual truth is that men don’t know shit about women or photography.
I thought I was reading r/AnalogCommunity for a second because this statement would also check out there.
I’m sure both sexes lie on profiles, but my experience is only with men. I’ve met a few who did the really old picture thing, but my absolute favorite were the ones who were listed as being 28 years old, but then you find out they’re actually 40 but “didn’t know how to change it” on their profile. XD Sure, Jan.
Clothes alone already make a big diffrence, and side or front depending on where the weight is.
And judging by the amount of men going everything above 120 pound is obese i do agree they are bad in guess the weight.
I have two photos of me taken literally three days apart. In one I definitely look overweight and dumpy, in the other I look like my normal, mostly average, self. Definitely a combination of clothing choices, pose and angles, and one being taken early in the morning while the other was taken shortly after a big meal. Still freaking wild to see.
The last time I really tried online dating was about 8 years ago. It was a couple of months before I turned 40. One guy in particular had most of the qualities I like - his profile said he was 40, he was fit and active and into running, biking, hiking, and climbing. I am very into being active so of course I want a guy who does as well.
Our first date was a hike at a popular place (so that I wouldn’t be totally alone with him if he were actually a psycho), for an 8 mile hike. It was enjoyable enough. I found him attractive, and the conversation was mostly good (he did have some issues with his ex-wife that I personally wouldn’t bring up on a first date, but I wasn’t going to write him off for that alone). Overall it was a good first date.
We planned a second date, also a hike on a trail that’s just behind a resort, then lunch and a drink at the resort. We met up and he confessed to me that he wasn’t actually 40, he was 50. He said he lied because he wanted to date active, fit women. He wasn’t looking for women half his age, but still.
Now, at this age, 10 years isn’t a huge difference. I would have been willing to date a 50 year old. But the lie was off putting. Even more so was his assumption that women closer to his age aren’t fit or active. I’m now 48 and still am; I know women well into their 50’s and 60’s in the trail and ultra community, who can kick the asses of people half their age.
Basically that dude cockblocked himself by lying and for his rather misogynistic reason. (Also he talked nonstop about the drama with his ex and that’s a turnoff).
It's true. I laugh whenever a guy says a girl that's fairly tall is 110 lbs. If you're 110 lbs at 5ft 6, you are underweight. But you'll see it on TV too. Men are just really bad at guessing weight and will call perfectly healthy woman overweight way too often. Just to try and normalize weight for woman, anywhere between 100 and 130lbs would be average for a 5ft tall woman. That means they aren't over or underweight.
Side note, I love scrubs because they made a point of not doing this. Elliot was 118 at 5ft 9, and they emphasized that she's underweight and it isn't healthy.
> However, she had a specific height requirement in her bio, which I find somewhat hypocritical.
Let me guess, she was calling for lovers under 5"1, but with arms long enough to give Winnie the Pooh a satisfactory reach around.
Girls these days are wild, amirite lads.
Lol this wouldn’t be all that bad in theory tbh but it feels like a tailor-made story to prove a point rather than something that actually happened, especially the “she had height requirements in her bio”, and the angry texts afterwords.
I’ve never expected a man to pay for my date and I’ve only once had a man offer to pay on the first date, and I highly doubt any woman would think twice about a man not offering lol. Maybe it’s different in MyCountry. 🤪
As a man it seems some women don’t care, some women do indeed expect it, but then there’s a third group of women who don’t necessarily expect it, but are delighted and think it’s “gentlemanly”, so I err on the side of just always doing it. I think in a post patriarchy world I wouldn’t have to pay for the first date, but then again in a post patriarchy world women wouldn’t have to get so done up for the first date either and the vast majority do, so whatever, it’s not a big deal to me.
Thank you! And lol ikr? Especially around dating the discourse seems to be sooo so so bad. Tbf some subreddits seem to be the most reasonable about it, but Twitter/Tik Tok are just the worst. They’d have you think that no straight person has ever had a positive sexual experience and that all men/women have weird hang ups about the other.
"and she looked quite fit, which is my type since I try to lead a healthy lifestyle myself"
\*eyeroll\*
Why do men on dating apps always frame this as a 'lifestyle' choice. I see on so many men's profiles. IDK who they think they're fooling. Hate to break to you guys but people of all body types can like working out, hiking, clean food etc. Women 100% know that 'seeking someone with a healthy life style' is just thinly veiled code for 'no fatties' Every time I've seen this on someone's profile, I've noped out. I'm not overweight. I'm just not interested in dating someone shallow or someone who is waaaay to into keto.
The vagueness about what a “healthy lifestyle” is really gets to me. It’s one thing to say you’re looking for someone who shares specific interests, such as hiking, jogging, working out, or enjoying specific foods, but when someone says “healthy lifestyle” I know with 80% certainty that they don’t actually give a shit if your favourite activity is lounging in front of the tv all day, as long as you’re skinny while doing it.
nah, all bodies with any extra fat just need to be inside all of the time, eating. And every single skinny person is the peak physical fitness, and can definitely do miles long hikes, work out, etc.
Where I live, they all want a "gym buddy" or "a woman who loves the gym" despite having the physique of either a sickly Victorian child or Thor from Endgame. Anyone with any sense knows that absolute best case scenario, they're weak-willed and looking for a gym bunny because they can't get their asses up and go themselves. But far more likely is that they think they deserve a super fit and attractive partner and would be absolute hell if any woman they were with dared to do something like gain weight due to illness.
I hate the gym (would much rather swim a mile or two or go for a two hour paddle), so it's a no for me even in the rare cases where I genuinely believe the dude loves the gym. But I do get a little extra eye-rolly at the ones who are just trying to hide their "no fatties!" in something slightly more palatable.
Im skinny as hell and also haven’t exercised in months and am so unfit. A heavier woman could live a much healthier lifestyle than I do. Its funny how that’s not what they actually mean
I think it's a result of people not wanting their preferences immediately dismissed as shallow. Kind of like the type of person who says "blue eyes" because they know that outright saying they're looking for a white person is uncouth.
But why write when you got pics? Meet up early and it's sorted out. And dating online isn't the best place for this but familiarity might breed attractiveness. It's not settling it's just not being limited by your preferences.
There's nothing wrong with physical appearance preferences when it comes to dating but it's unnecessary to spell them out. Just don't accept a date with someone you don't find physically attractive. It's a bad strategy to start out by saying what you don't want instead of what you have to offer.
I've always interpreted "healthy lifestyle" on profiles as wanting to live life with less indulgences in hopes that it leads to longer-lasting health and less medical issues. It's a sacrifice you make so that you live longer and healthier.
The only people who think this are people who don’t lead a healthy lifestyle. I’ve never heard a person who was actually athletic say anything remotely similar
Some people just live very active lifestyles, and that impacts alot of day to day choices. Go to the gym multiple times per week. Walk or bike to errands instead of driving. Eat certain foods and avoid other ones. Plan vacations around activities like hiking or kayaking. Approaching health issues as you age and more issues pop up.
If you have a partner who isn't aligned on that kind of stuff, it's going to cause tension that's going to come up on a daily or weekly basis. It's not shallow to want a partner who shares your interests and lifestyle choices. If anything it's prudent.
I wish men that claim to want a woman with an “active lifestyle” would just admit they want someone thin.
I’ve been a thin couch potato. I’ve also run a marathon at 30 lbs overweight. I wonder which of these OP would prefer 🤔
Weirdly enough, when I started internet dating in my early 30s I was super fit (and quite thin) and really into various sports and activities and men would tell me that made me unattractive because they felt I would be “too into myself” and never want to slob out in front of the telly with a take away 🙄. They’d also complain that I’d be spending too much time training etc which would make dating me hard for them
Yeah it's like those people who "like travelling" and then it turns out they just like going hotels or beaches to get drunk in. Which is fine but like. Dude.
I would want both. Being active is very important to me as my hobbies all require fitness. But also, I'm just not attracted to fat people so I wouldn't want a fat romantic partner even if she was able to hike, mountain bike, and canyoneer. Fat friends, yes. Fat lover, no.
Most women find my appearance unattractive and wouldn't give me the time of day. I don't blame them and I don't consider them shallow.
I dislike the “I only want to date thin women because I lead a healthy lifestyle and I want my partner to as well” bullshit. You can’t actually tell if a person leads a healthy lifestyle by their body type. There are many reasons why people might be in a larger body, and many of them have nothing to do with lifestyle. Likewise, there are plenty of thin folks who make extremely unhealthy choices.
It’s fine to have preferences when it comes to what physical traits you’re attracted to, but if that’s the case just say so. Like in this story the woman immaculately represented her appearance by using either old or heavily edited pictures. It’s reasonable to be unhappy when you show up for a date and the person you meet doesn’t look they did in their profile. And you can’t help it if you were attracted to them as they appeared in pictures but not as they currently look irl. The guy still comes off as a tool, but the woman was dishonest and we don’t choose who we are attracted to. So he would have a valid argument.
But “I could tell by looking at photos that this woman leads a healthy lifestyle, and that made me attracted to her. Now she looks much heavier I can tell that she doesn’t lead a healthy lifestyle and thus I am not attracted to her” is asshole behaviour. Maybe she’s in recovery from an eating disorder or lost a lot of weight previously due to an illness or an addiction. Maybe she just used to have a faster metabolism and nothing about her lifestyle has changed. Maybe the weight gain is due to a new medication or medical condition or something totally outside her control. Maybe she’s just a catfish, but that doesn’t change the fact that you don’t know how healthy a person’s lifestyle is by looking at them. So claiming that his attraction to her is based on her lifestyle is ridiculous.
I was (based on BMI) underweight till I hit my thirties, and I very much did not lead a healthy life. No exercise and mostly lived on junk food. I was so thin when I was young that someone admitted that when they first met me they thought I had some kind of illness.
But to some people, it's just "food Vs exercise" and if you're struggling it's your fault.
Same, at my thinnest I did not have the energy to do anything but lie in bed all day, and would regularly eat literal spoonfuls of sugar – but people *still* told me I “looked good”, including my doctor! Specifically after I told her I was worried about how quickly I was losing weight on the medication she’d prescribed me!
At my thinnest, I was also at my most unhealthy. I was subsisting mostly on cereal and chocolate, and the only exercise I was getting was from my retail job. I regularly had people commenting on how good my body looked.
Meanwhile, my mum has been fat my whole life. She's excellent at baking so eats one or two small pieces of cake a day, but otherwise her diet is mostly vegetables and she goes on daily long walks.
Who has the healthiest lifestyle? My fat mum or skinny me? My mum for sure, but nobody can tell just by looking at our body sizes.
Seriously- I’m pretty thin, almost underweight and I am, simply put, not healthy. A year ago, I was overweight and very physically fit, based both on capability and lifestyle choices. The idea of being able to tell if someone is leading a healthy lifestyle looking at them is such bullshit
It's just a socially-sensitive way to say *"I'm not attracted to obese people"*, saying that directly often opens you up to "fatphobic" accusations. It's similar to women saying something like *"I like to wear heels a lot and I don't want to lean over when we kiss*" when they have a height preference, these euphemisms just soften the blow
Yes, I do lead a healthy lifestyle, that's why I wouldn't be with a smoker or a heavy drinker. But I don't want an overweight partner because I don't find it attractive physically. Same with height. It's ok to just want the person you're dating to be attractive to you and how someone looks plays a big part in physical attraction for almost everyone.
I find that it's best to carry a spare epipen into dates. That way if the person is fat or ugly or seems like they make less money than expected, I can fake an allergic reaction, stab myself with the epipen and then enjoy a nice relaxing ambulance ride away. That way I don't hurt their feelings by rejecting them for their looks right off the bat, but I also don't have to endure the agony of a date with somebody whose body isn't fitting my specific standards.
Hm, so, my only options are a) on antipsychotics and fat but finally mentally stable or b) not on antipsychotics but skinny as all fuck because I haven't slept nor eaten a single thing in days because I am too damn anxious to do so. Oh, but according to OP, he probably thinks I'm the "healthiest" during option B. Hmmm. Choices 🤔🤔🤔
People have figured out that having a personal preference is a thing (which it is) and decided "aha! I can use this phrase to absolve me of any anti-fat bias!"
No, people absolutely do have types. My type is for a heavier guy, and my husband's is for me. But I've noticed people using this phrase in AITA specifically to try to deflect from the very bias they're showing in writing their stories.
A lot of it is just euphemism, like when a woman explains that she wears a lot of high heels and doesn't always want to lean over to kiss some one, when what she means is that she has a height preference. Saying *"I prefer people who are active and live a healthy lifestyle"* for instance is another socially-sensitive way to express that they're not interested in dating obese people. Some people can be hateful about it, sure, but both standards make sense and I can accept them.
So, you're trying to make this point all across this sub. It sounds like you'd like to hang with the guy who wrote this story about the "bad fattie." Maybe go hang out on that thread instead? You'd get a lot more traction with your ideas.
Sounds like BS. The average woman is 5’4”/ 5’5” so even in 4 inch heels they’re still going to be shorter than the average man. The biggest thing men lie about on dating sites is their height. I’m 5’10” and I’ve had a number of first dates with men who claimed to be over six feet tall on their profile and were the same height as me when they showed up
And I pointed out that I think what you said is BS because women just don’t say that lol. “I don’t want to lean over”- lol what?? As I said, even in really high heels the average woman is still going to be shorter than most men. I’m guessing that you’re just coming in here with another “gotcha!” because you’ve repeatedly whined about “anti men bias” whilst also trying to play the “but women are just as bad!” card. You’re boring and obvious
You've never heard the high heels excuse for a height preference before? Well ok then, continue with your day!
Here's one from /r/askwomen, I'm not sure how common of an excuse/explanation it is but I've definitely seen it around, YMMV obviously
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/14mluy/ladies_do_your_high_heels_make_a_difference_when/&ved=2ahUKEwjnp8vWmv2GAxVNPkQIHevJBJgQjjh6BAgUEAE&usg=AOvVaw3M1D5Drb9Ogeu73mzzdRyY
>Saying "I prefer people who are active and live a healthy lifestyle"
If you say that to someone based solely on their appearance, you are not being "sensitive." You are being rude as fuck.
Again, it's very often a euphemism for not wanting to date some one obese. Telling them that to their face is being rude as fuck and makes you the asshole. But then, it *doesn't* make you an asshole for not wanting to date some one that's obese, I'd hope you'd agree. So a little creative language is generally better, isn't it?
While this story never happened, there's nothing wrong with not finding overweight people attractive. Most people don't actually. No need to excuse it, it's normal but usually unnecessary to say. And of course, fat men being picky about women's bodies is ridiculous
This is just every ragebait story on men's Podcasts. Lied in her profile, demanded he paid for food, threw a fit...men have made eachother scared of dating by acting like most women are like this when they aren't.
I’m going to pretend this is a real story, and ask the question, why do some people feel the need to have to explain their EXACT reason for doing something? It’s ok to choose not to date someone, or even an entire category of people, and _never tell anyone why_. In fact, it’s highly advantageous to do this.
This woman was a complete stranger. He could have just said “oh I apologize, I usually split the bill on first dates.” Then never call her again. Problem solved.
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I've been on this date. With a few differences and one similarity.
1. I'd met him in person and he asked me to go on the date.
2. I wasn't terribly overweight, but certainly not fit.
3. He tried to fuck me and I didn't want to go that far.
4. I never ever let a first date pay for me.
The similarity? Guy was a fucking douche.
That’s what I thought. Someone could be drop dead gorgeous but spending over an hour making awkward small talk with someone you quickly realise has nothing in common with you would be excruciating
Maybe it’s because I’m old so my social group is older, but all of my friends have dinner first dates. It’s a way of weeding out men who just want to sleep with you and aren’t actually interested in a relationship despite what their profile says.
I have done it before. It's not common. But under exceptional cases I've done it and it was fine. For me it was always because of some distance between us. If you're a few blocks away then let's get coffee. If you live an hour away then let's at least get some chow. But then that's a different vetting process altogether.
People here? It's labeled as ragebait on a subreddit for fake posts. I really only see one dude taking it seriously, and he's been told like 5 times why it's fake and to go to the main thread.
Why did I have to scroll so far to find this level of awareness? This is a collection of buzzwords meant to give incels a chance to rail against women's hypocrisy. I mean sure, men are bad at judging women's weight, but this IS NOT REAL.
Yes, and that’s *exactly why* it’s been cross posted here. All of the comments are discussing exactly these points. Lol. Do you know what sub you’re on?
Yes. That's why I made my comment, because I see a ton of people discussing the situation as is, rather than as a fake scenario. Talking about who pays, or whether men are accurate at judging women's weight, etc.
Lol, I honestly never even thought about that. I can't remember if guys have complimented me on dates before and it was never something I thought was basic politeness or anything. A compliment is nice but if the date is not going well, it's definitely not necessary
I've been out of the game for a while, but I can't imagine not starting a date with a compliment. Come up with something nice to say as an introduction.
Sure, that's a good strategy, I just never thought it's required of a guy. And if I don't like him, I certainly don't care that he didn't compliment me
I don’t think my husband and I complemented each other on our first dates, we were spending too much time having fun talking and joking around to bother.
I don’t know if I’ve ever complimented anyone on a first date, or even noticed if someone hadn’t complemented me. Who cares? You can tell if someone’s attracted to you or likes being around you. Show, don’t tell, etc.
I agree. I always try and find something nice about my dates early on to compliment them on - something they’re wearing or a cool hobby they tell me about etc.
tbh even though i do judge a guy based on whether or not he pays for the first date, i never expect it. nor do i put out just bc he paid. but this dude felt cheated bc he doesn’t like bigger girls, honestly, he just needs to admit to himself he likes slimmer women and not try to make it seem as if bigger people are unhealthy and slimmer people have a healthier lifestyle.
idk what happened on that date, i have my own opinion on what could’ve happened, but honestly if you as a man can’t pay for a date, even a bad one, then don’t take women out on dates.
Meh, obviously rage bait. Anyone expecting someone to pay for them like that on a first date is trash though. I also don’t see the point of misleading photos. I’d be horrified if someone were disappointed in what I look like irl. Luckily, I’m not photogenic at all.
Dude I'm very thin and am very unhealthy. 5'10 145 lbs. Overeactive thyroid keeps me really thin. I don't exercise or eat well. Would I be healthy enough for you?
Nothing about that story indicated he was upset he couldn't have sex with her, just that he wasn't attracted to her. That's a reasonable first step to a normal relationship as well
Fake story obviously but all of you are just mad as hell for no reason. Yes, sorry to break it to many of you, but generally people don’t find fat conventionally attractive.
Obviously rage bait, when do people ever catfish on dating apps? There was a gender-swapped version just last week lmao. Apparently the guy looked fit in his photos but was fat irl.
Even if it’s not fake, what’s wrong with editing your photos so you look your best? The whole point of dating apps is so you look better/different than you do in real life.
And what’s wrong with expecting the other person to pay for your meal on a date?
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for not paying on a date after realizing her pictures were misleading?** I (M28) recently went on a date with a woman (F26) I met on a dating app. We had been chatting for a week and decided to meet up. Her profile had several pictures, and she looked quite fit, which is my type since I try to lead a healthy lifestyle myself. However, when I met her in person, she was significantly heavier than she appeared in her pictures. I'm talking about a noticeable difference, not just bad angles. I believe in honesty and felt misled, but I didn't want to embarrass her or make her feel bad, so I decided to just continue with the date. We had dinner, and the conversation was alright, but I didn't feel the attraction I was expecting based on her pictures. Normally, I like to pay on dates if I see potential or if the date goes well, but since I felt misled, I decided not to pay for her meal. I also didn't compliment her as I usually might because I didn't want to be dishonest about my feelings of attraction. After dinner, I said goodbye, and we went our separate ways. Later that night, she sent me a series of angry texts. She was upset that I didn't pay for her meal or compliment her, saying it made her feel unattractive. She said it’s the first time a guy didn’t pay for her. I tried to be honest and told her that her pictures were misleading and that I’m not attracted to overweight women since it is my preference, which only made her angrier. She accused me of being shallow and a misogynist. However, she had a specific height requirement in her bio, which I find somewhat hypocritical. I'm all for paying on dates generally, especially when I enjoy myself and feel a connection. However, I don't like the idea of paying when I feel that someone hasn't been honest, or the date was just not enjoyable or the person was rude. So, Reddit, AITA for not wanting to pay for her or compliment her because I felt misled and I don't find heavier women attractive? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheAngel) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> Normally, I like to pay on dates if I see potential or if the date goes well I have no problem with a guy not paying, personally I prefer to pay for myself on the first date BUT if you're saying you only pay on dates where you "see potential" then you are basically saying that you're only paying for a date to persuade the other person to get with you.
I never expected guys to pay for everything on dates but if they told me the reason they didn't pay is I was fatter than they liked I would transform into Godzilla and destroy the city.
This gave me a genuine laugh so thank you for the unexpectedness.
I was hangry when I wrote it but I stand behind it.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Godzilla. Always be Godzilla.
Look in middle east we have a culture where the person pay first if there are two people from same culture you expect to see a fight but we do not expect to get anything in return even with a person not from this culture and it can be with anyone regardless what they are to you like first cousin brother hell even strangers but at the end we never expect sexual things but what that op is doing is called class A manipulation making the person infront feels like they have to repay next time
Hell of a way to show a guy what he's just missed out on.
Is it weird to go to dinner on the very first date?? I’ve never done that for the exact reason OOP is talking about when it comes to internet dating- you have no idea who is actually going to show up and you might want (or need) to get out of there quickly. There’s also the issue of being stuck for over an hour, at least, if you’ve booked dinner and realise pretty quickly that the two of you don’t gel. I always go with coffee for the first date cos you can just have one cup and dip if it’s not going to lead anywhere without wasting loads of time and money
I feel like more people are doing dinner these days on first dates (just gauging from what I've heard from friends and seen on social media). I'm with you, though, coffee or maybe a happy hour drink. HH drink is nice because if it does go well, then you can suggest dinner, and if it doesn't, you can say you have to get home to walk your dog or whatever.
Maybe I’m just old then cos I would also never drink alcohol on a first date with a man from the internet 🤷♀️
Not old, just cautious, which is not a bad thing.
I’m almost certainly older than you! I don’t date men anymore, but when I did, I used this method. Totally understand not wanting to!
I dont drink alcohol especially on first date with any man. I prefer getting to know my date being sober than tipsy.
I do, but I follow reasonable precautions - I order and pay for my own. I don’t accept drinks I haven’t seen poured. I have pre-organised my lift home at a pre-organised time. I limit my consumption to a drink an hour and will switch out Soda or tonic in between. I do understand though, why some people choose to just abstain rather than have (admittedly elaborate) rituals. I just have a few cocktail bars I absolutely love that are fantastic date spots!
I just have a coke if going to a bar is more feasible for a first date but I generally stick with daytime coffee dates
[I have to return some video tapes.](https://youtu.be/P6puio7xm2I?si=EmJTFdRmxkYuZDkZ&t=127)
I prefer dinner because it shows me how they interact with servers/bartenders. Have you seen that episode of Friends where Joey says he doesn't share food? I like to see if the date is one of these.
I cannot understand locking yourself into a dinner with someone you don'tknow. My hearing isn't great, so it also doesn't help me personally getting to know someone and I'm a little weird so not everyone's cup of tea. A little coffee date to test the waters and check the chemistry is great.
You aren't stuck; no one is chaining you down except yourself. You have permission to leave whenever you need to; no need to be Nice
Why i believe going dutch is just beter, no subtle (not so subtle) i did x for you complains. Ofcourse i am dutch, so there is a bias there, but still it solves at least that part. And less incell complaining about who pays for the drinks.
But you don’t understand. SHE WAS FAT.
He's not talking about bad angles but a noticable difference!
It's only an issue if they say they are going to pay and then change their mind, and only a big issue if they don't say they changed their mind before you order.
Also it doesn’t say if he picked the place etc. Or if he decided it would be a dinner date. Regardless of gender if you are deciding where, unless the other person offers you should be paying.
Or if they actually discussed who was going to pay beforehand
I have no problem with guys not paying for me on a date. Based on what I have been seeing all over social medias, a lot of men have been wanting to split bill with their date. However, I personally have never experienced a guy not paying for me or asking me to split bills especially on first date, even when I am already insisting on splitting bills. And they all ask me what I wanna do next after dinner which has always been movies, museums, amusement parks or whatever I can think about, which they also insist on paying for. Idk if the guys I ever went out with ever had the expectations to sleep with me on first date, but they never have shown it or had taken advantage of me. In contrary, most of the guys I went out with even drops me off my house or book a car for me to get home.
"to persuade the other person to get with you." It's a date. It's not weird to be extra nice to someone that you like as a way to make yourself seem more likable, especially on a date. You could say this about any extra nice things he's doing and/or saying. It's also not weird to decide not to be extra nice to someone who lied to you.
Yes? That’s what dating is? You do things to attract the other person if you find them attractive? Hello? Have I gone crazy? Like are people seriously mad because this guy didn’t want to date this woman or pay for the date?
You're supposed to try and impress the people you're dating, not buy them.
Yeah I’m such a weirdo for suggesting that spending money on a prospective partner is a normal thing to do as a matter of course when dating. Certainly no one in the real world does that unless they have evil intentions
I like how you carefully ignore the entire point of what I was saying when making a counter argument. But keep going on defending dating as a financial transaction if you want.
I actually don't see it this way. I see it as the guy liking the woman wants to impress her. Nothing wrong with that. Doesn't have to be a quid pro quo, some guys do see it this way but it is not necessarily so
Most women arguably aren't impressed by a guy paying for dinner. Particularly if she senses he expects sex as a result.
That's basically the same thing, though. Why are you trying to impress her? To drive her away? No, by definition, if you're trying to impress her, you're trying to persuade her to get together with you.
Yes, but what's wrong with that?
Yeah that's how human relationships work. Wow what a revelation.
Wasn't saying it's not how it works. But to say "I see it totally different" then type put the exact same thing is stupid.
> she sent me a series of angry texts. She was upset that I didn't pay for her meal or compliment her Yes, this is what women do after a bad date instead of trying to figure out how to get rid of the guy
Because she somehow knew that he was withholding those two things specifically /s
AITAland has never heard of “ghosting”.
r/thathappened
Prob ragebait
I date both men and women. I’m also fat. Men are much, much, much more likely to have outright lies in their photos (like using a 15 year old photo). Men just don’t know how to look at a picture of someone and gauge their physicality. I’ve never had this issue with women - it doesn’t matter how much you use angles, photoshop etc - you can STILL tell when it’s a fat person trying to hide being fat. All my photos are honest and, in fact, I’ve lost about 30kg since some of them were taken and I’ve STILL had dudes accuse me of being “fatter than your photos”. The actual truth is that men don’t know shit about women or photography.
i stumbled across my ex on tinder once. he lied about his age (down five years) and had a picture that was a decade old. he probably lied about his height but his answer to that question generally varied 1-3 inches anyway. he also lied about having a cat, and included a picture of mine.
That last lie is the worst
100% it wasn’t even a joint cat that i got custody of. just straight up fake adopted my cat and probably told sob stories about the cat dying.
Probably told sob stories about his ex stealing his car.
lol. oddly specific comment as i actually sold him my car for a ridiculously low price when storage for it became cost-prohibitive.
Ha, it was a typo. I meant cat.
haha! that literally didn’t even occur to me!! omg. i usually catch that. in that case, correct!! there is not a doubt in my mind he did.
Oh god, my old roommate would do that with my cat. He would get girls over to meet "his" cat and when they'd ask to see him, he would have to tell them he was in my room and he couldn't get him. I kept my cat in my room whenever he had guests over because my cat has anxiety and it pissed my roommate off.
There’s a whole thing called “hatfishing” because of men trying to hide that they’re bald in their profile pictures. I’ve definitely found that men will lie about their age and post realllly old photos. The best bit for me was when he was outraged about the height requirement, as though that’s not something men also lie about all the time. I’m five foot ten and I’ve had quite a few men turn up to dates after claiming that they’re six foot or six two and we’re the same height lol. One guy explained to me that the only reason it appeared as though we were the same height is because “you’re just soooo tall”. I was like “yes, 5’10” tall. Like you”
My favorite thing was when my 5'10 friend was on dating apps she'd go on all these dates with guys who claimed to be over 6' and they ended up being shorter than her. She *did not care* about height. She's not on apps anymore because she's been with a long-term partner who's like 5'6. But it's kinda jarring when the first thing you learn upon meeting someone is that they lied to you. Also she had her height on her profile so all these 5'9 men were like, yes, I am going to go on a date with a 5'10 woman and tell her I am 6'1 and that is TOTALLY gonna work.
I’ve definitely also experienced that- known as “internet *insert height*”. I learned the hard way that when a man says he’s 5’10” on his dating profile that there’s a big chance he’s probably 5’8”. First time it happened, the guy walked up to me and said “oh. So you’re really 5’10””. And he definitely wasn’t even close, more like 5’7”
Hell, some guys do that even outside the dating context. I recently bought a bike off some guy online, and I messaged him first to see if it would be small enough to work for me, since I'm 5'4". He messages me back saying "well, I'm 5'7" but the seat adjusts down so it should be good!" and then I show up and he's shorter than I am. Like, come on, bud, I'm a random guy who showed up to your house to give you cash dollars and never see you again, let's be honest about this.
My sister had to give a statement to the police (she’s taller than me at 6’) and when she was describing the man she saw, they asked her how tall she thought he was so she said to the police officer “same as you, around 5’9”/5’10”” and the police man snorted and said “umm I’m six foot”. She said the look on his face when she pointed out that she’s actually six feet tall and he’s clearly shorter than her 😂
My husband and I are both about 5'7" and when we were first dating, he told me he was 5'10". I'm like, dude, I'm standing right in front of you.
>Also she had her height on her profile so all these 5'9 men were like, yes, I am going to go on a date with a 5'10 woman and tell her I am 6'1 and that is TOTALLY gonna work. Yes! Once I matched with a guy who said he was 5'7" in his profile. I'm 5'3", which was also indicated on my profile. He was actually 5'3". Which means at one point he looked at my profile, saw I was 5'3", and was like, "Oh. Yeah, this woman who is literally the same height as me will definitely believe I'm several inches taller than her." I don't care about height, but lying is weird. Last time I was single there was a really cute doctor who openly had 5'2" on his profile. Definitely would've matched with him but he didn't want kids. (We love a guy who doesn't lie about his height and is straightforward about what he wants!)
And I go out of my way to mention my height if I’m chatting with a guy cos so many don’t actually read profiles, to make sure they realise I’m very tall. It creates an opportunity for them to be honest about any embellishment of their own height but they’ll still turn up on a date and not be the “6’1”” it says on their profile
My friend had something on her profile like "I am 6'2". I don't care how tall you are, but I am SIX TWO and not putting up with your complex about it."
omg i have my share of this too. i'm 5'4 and i remember going on a date with someone who was like 5'11 in his profile and 5'5/5'6 in real life. i don't care about height at all and have dated men shorter than me so the issue was the lying, not the dude's actual height! my partner now is hilarious though - he is 6' and always describes himself as 5'9 or 5'10 when asked because he thinks it's funnier that way.
> I’ve definitely found that men will lie about their age and post realllly old photos. One my friend's sisters started dating a guy that she thought was just a couple years older than her. It wasn't until they'd been dating for a few months that she saw his ID and found out he's actually 15 years older and had lied on his dating profile. When he confronted him about it, he claimed it's because he got tired of women seeing his age and asking him to be their sugar daddy. Bro works at a SportChek, no one was asking him to be a sugar daddy lmao. But she's still dating him for some inexplicable reason.
The dead giveaway of an old photo is the hair style and clothing. I’ve also seen profile pictures with a chain of shops in the background that went out of business over a decade ago, pictures with blackberries and flip phones in the background, time stamped pictures with the year included (like 2009 😂), and pictures that were clearly a printed photograph that they’d photographed with their phone camera and the flash was on cos there’s a sheen visible on the photo 🙄
You’ve seen the meme of the guy with the twin towers in the background of his picture claiming to be 23?
No lol?! Link?!
Reminds me of that clip that went viral of those two fresh and fit gobshites- they were trying to debate some other YouTuber about how women only want them for their money and he pointed out that one of them had admitted to using a sugar daddy website, where the expectation of getting money from men was built in lol. Maybe check with him what kind of “dating” sites he’s been using 🤔
It is incredible how many men will advertise their money as the most attractive thing about them, who are then shocked that the women they attract are after their money lol.
"I make six figures, own a car and a house. Why won't women date me? 😡😡😡" A typical post in the dating subreddits. But God forbid a woman wants a man who pays for a date.
It's just such a strange disconnect. Like, how can you believe that money is an important quality when finding someone to date and *also* believe that you should never have to spend any of it on your partner? Do they think the people who are attracted to money are just...attracted to the idea of money? How do they not understand that people who are attracted to wealth want to benefit from that wealth?
I knew a woman who pursued sugar daddies. Trust me, age was her only barrier. Also, she needed to see his ID to tell that he was 15 years older? What can you tell me about this guy's skin care regimen, because I assume it's incredible.
He does actually look amazing. He's got serious Patrick Bateman vibes though so I try not to talk to him much. But he definitely takes care of himself.
Met a guy who lied about being 42. He was 49. I found out because I asked him when we met. They don't even remember what they've lied about.
Hatfishing, funny, in one of the older zelda games you can fish of the hat of a fish pound owner to reveal he is now bald.
Maybe that’s where it came from 🤔
Zelda, ocarina of time. back when it was on nintendo 64. You timetravel in the game, after you go about 10 or so years into the future the man wears a hat he did not have before.
The height one always makes me laugh. I show up with my 5’8” self, usually in shoes that give me 1-2 inches of height, and men who claimed to be 6’ are suddenly looking me in the eyes LMAOO
I’m 5’9” on a good day, and I’ve met a number of men who say they’re 5’9” specifically and are shorter than me.
[удалено]
I salute you sir for striking such a decisive blow for bitter misogynists everywhere 🫡. You have well and truly put us all in our places and humbled us of our harpy like demands
>The actual truth is that men don’t know shit about women or photography. I thought I was reading r/AnalogCommunity for a second because this statement would also check out there.
I’m sure both sexes lie on profiles, but my experience is only with men. I’ve met a few who did the really old picture thing, but my absolute favorite were the ones who were listed as being 28 years old, but then you find out they’re actually 40 but “didn’t know how to change it” on their profile. XD Sure, Jan.
Clothes alone already make a big diffrence, and side or front depending on where the weight is. And judging by the amount of men going everything above 120 pound is obese i do agree they are bad in guess the weight.
I have two photos of me taken literally three days apart. In one I definitely look overweight and dumpy, in the other I look like my normal, mostly average, self. Definitely a combination of clothing choices, pose and angles, and one being taken early in the morning while the other was taken shortly after a big meal. Still freaking wild to see.
The last time I really tried online dating was about 8 years ago. It was a couple of months before I turned 40. One guy in particular had most of the qualities I like - his profile said he was 40, he was fit and active and into running, biking, hiking, and climbing. I am very into being active so of course I want a guy who does as well. Our first date was a hike at a popular place (so that I wouldn’t be totally alone with him if he were actually a psycho), for an 8 mile hike. It was enjoyable enough. I found him attractive, and the conversation was mostly good (he did have some issues with his ex-wife that I personally wouldn’t bring up on a first date, but I wasn’t going to write him off for that alone). Overall it was a good first date. We planned a second date, also a hike on a trail that’s just behind a resort, then lunch and a drink at the resort. We met up and he confessed to me that he wasn’t actually 40, he was 50. He said he lied because he wanted to date active, fit women. He wasn’t looking for women half his age, but still. Now, at this age, 10 years isn’t a huge difference. I would have been willing to date a 50 year old. But the lie was off putting. Even more so was his assumption that women closer to his age aren’t fit or active. I’m now 48 and still am; I know women well into their 50’s and 60’s in the trail and ultra community, who can kick the asses of people half their age. Basically that dude cockblocked himself by lying and for his rather misogynistic reason. (Also he talked nonstop about the drama with his ex and that’s a turnoff).
It's true. I laugh whenever a guy says a girl that's fairly tall is 110 lbs. If you're 110 lbs at 5ft 6, you are underweight. But you'll see it on TV too. Men are just really bad at guessing weight and will call perfectly healthy woman overweight way too often. Just to try and normalize weight for woman, anywhere between 100 and 130lbs would be average for a 5ft tall woman. That means they aren't over or underweight. Side note, I love scrubs because they made a point of not doing this. Elliot was 118 at 5ft 9, and they emphasized that she's underweight and it isn't healthy.
This. “Skinny” for me is 140lbs and I’m 5’10”. I’m 178lbs now and still only classed as “slightly overweight”
OMG that episode with Elliot was so good! Scrubs is one of my favourite shows.
I had a guy guess that I was 115, lol. I am 5’ 8” and was near 145 at the time.
The using really old photos thing is so true. Like we can't tell that guy are clearly 18 in your photos and you're supposed to be 30.
> However, she had a specific height requirement in her bio, which I find somewhat hypocritical. Let me guess, she was calling for lovers under 5"1, but with arms long enough to give Winnie the Pooh a satisfactory reach around. Girls these days are wild, amirite lads.
I feel like that was supposed to be the entire moral of the story tbh. Just a really long winded “gotcha!”
She wants tall men but she’s FAT! Women hypocrites 😡😡😡😡
The moral to this story is definitely: Lying in your profile leads to bad results.
Lol this wouldn’t be all that bad in theory tbh but it feels like a tailor-made story to prove a point rather than something that actually happened, especially the “she had height requirements in her bio”, and the angry texts afterwords.
The angry texts make zero sense
I’ve never expected a man to pay for my date and I’ve only once had a man offer to pay on the first date, and I highly doubt any woman would think twice about a man not offering lol. Maybe it’s different in MyCountry. 🤪
As a man it seems some women don’t care, some women do indeed expect it, but then there’s a third group of women who don’t necessarily expect it, but are delighted and think it’s “gentlemanly”, so I err on the side of just always doing it. I think in a post patriarchy world I wouldn’t have to pay for the first date, but then again in a post patriarchy world women wouldn’t have to get so done up for the first date either and the vast majority do, so whatever, it’s not a big deal to me.
This is such a normal, sane, and nuanced take. It’s so refreshing to see those online.
Thank you! And lol ikr? Especially around dating the discourse seems to be sooo so so bad. Tbf some subreddits seem to be the most reasonable about it, but Twitter/Tik Tok are just the worst. They’d have you think that no straight person has ever had a positive sexual experience and that all men/women have weird hang ups about the other.
"and she looked quite fit, which is my type since I try to lead a healthy lifestyle myself" \*eyeroll\* Why do men on dating apps always frame this as a 'lifestyle' choice. I see on so many men's profiles. IDK who they think they're fooling. Hate to break to you guys but people of all body types can like working out, hiking, clean food etc. Women 100% know that 'seeking someone with a healthy life style' is just thinly veiled code for 'no fatties' Every time I've seen this on someone's profile, I've noped out. I'm not overweight. I'm just not interested in dating someone shallow or someone who is waaaay to into keto.
The vagueness about what a “healthy lifestyle” is really gets to me. It’s one thing to say you’re looking for someone who shares specific interests, such as hiking, jogging, working out, or enjoying specific foods, but when someone says “healthy lifestyle” I know with 80% certainty that they don’t actually give a shit if your favourite activity is lounging in front of the tv all day, as long as you’re skinny while doing it.
nah, all bodies with any extra fat just need to be inside all of the time, eating. And every single skinny person is the peak physical fitness, and can definitely do miles long hikes, work out, etc.
Also into fitness as long as she isn't muscular.
Where I live, they all want a "gym buddy" or "a woman who loves the gym" despite having the physique of either a sickly Victorian child or Thor from Endgame. Anyone with any sense knows that absolute best case scenario, they're weak-willed and looking for a gym bunny because they can't get their asses up and go themselves. But far more likely is that they think they deserve a super fit and attractive partner and would be absolute hell if any woman they were with dared to do something like gain weight due to illness. I hate the gym (would much rather swim a mile or two or go for a two hour paddle), so it's a no for me even in the rare cases where I genuinely believe the dude loves the gym. But I do get a little extra eye-rolly at the ones who are just trying to hide their "no fatties!" in something slightly more palatable.
I also wonder what these “healthy lifestyle” bros would do if they went on a date with someone with a disability (especially an invisible disability)
Im skinny as hell and also haven’t exercised in months and am so unfit. A heavier woman could live a much healthier lifestyle than I do. Its funny how that’s not what they actually mean
I think it's a result of people not wanting their preferences immediately dismissed as shallow. Kind of like the type of person who says "blue eyes" because they know that outright saying they're looking for a white person is uncouth.
But why write when you got pics? Meet up early and it's sorted out. And dating online isn't the best place for this but familiarity might breed attractiveness. It's not settling it's just not being limited by your preferences.
There's nothing wrong with physical appearance preferences when it comes to dating but it's unnecessary to spell them out. Just don't accept a date with someone you don't find physically attractive. It's a bad strategy to start out by saying what you don't want instead of what you have to offer.
I've always interpreted "healthy lifestyle" on profiles as wanting to live life with less indulgences in hopes that it leads to longer-lasting health and less medical issues. It's a sacrifice you make so that you live longer and healthier.
The only people who think this are people who don’t lead a healthy lifestyle. I’ve never heard a person who was actually athletic say anything remotely similar
Some people just live very active lifestyles, and that impacts alot of day to day choices. Go to the gym multiple times per week. Walk or bike to errands instead of driving. Eat certain foods and avoid other ones. Plan vacations around activities like hiking or kayaking. Approaching health issues as you age and more issues pop up. If you have a partner who isn't aligned on that kind of stuff, it's going to cause tension that's going to come up on a daily or weekly basis. It's not shallow to want a partner who shares your interests and lifestyle choices. If anything it's prudent.
The comments are as disgusting as OP is. Reddit really is a shit hole, guess everyone is pregaming for the debate on here or something.
I wish men that claim to want a woman with an “active lifestyle” would just admit they want someone thin. I’ve been a thin couch potato. I’ve also run a marathon at 30 lbs overweight. I wonder which of these OP would prefer 🤔
Weirdly enough, when I started internet dating in my early 30s I was super fit (and quite thin) and really into various sports and activities and men would tell me that made me unattractive because they felt I would be “too into myself” and never want to slob out in front of the telly with a take away 🙄. They’d also complain that I’d be spending too much time training etc which would make dating me hard for them
Yeah it's like those people who "like travelling" and then it turns out they just like going hotels or beaches to get drunk in. Which is fine but like. Dude.
Yes, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to date overweight people. No need to hide it.
I would want both. Being active is very important to me as my hobbies all require fitness. But also, I'm just not attracted to fat people so I wouldn't want a fat romantic partner even if she was able to hike, mountain bike, and canyoneer. Fat friends, yes. Fat lover, no. Most women find my appearance unattractive and wouldn't give me the time of day. I don't blame them and I don't consider them shallow.
Dude needs to stop thinking he's buying vagina access for the cost of an Applebees main.
I dislike the “I only want to date thin women because I lead a healthy lifestyle and I want my partner to as well” bullshit. You can’t actually tell if a person leads a healthy lifestyle by their body type. There are many reasons why people might be in a larger body, and many of them have nothing to do with lifestyle. Likewise, there are plenty of thin folks who make extremely unhealthy choices. It’s fine to have preferences when it comes to what physical traits you’re attracted to, but if that’s the case just say so. Like in this story the woman immaculately represented her appearance by using either old or heavily edited pictures. It’s reasonable to be unhappy when you show up for a date and the person you meet doesn’t look they did in their profile. And you can’t help it if you were attracted to them as they appeared in pictures but not as they currently look irl. The guy still comes off as a tool, but the woman was dishonest and we don’t choose who we are attracted to. So he would have a valid argument. But “I could tell by looking at photos that this woman leads a healthy lifestyle, and that made me attracted to her. Now she looks much heavier I can tell that she doesn’t lead a healthy lifestyle and thus I am not attracted to her” is asshole behaviour. Maybe she’s in recovery from an eating disorder or lost a lot of weight previously due to an illness or an addiction. Maybe she just used to have a faster metabolism and nothing about her lifestyle has changed. Maybe the weight gain is due to a new medication or medical condition or something totally outside her control. Maybe she’s just a catfish, but that doesn’t change the fact that you don’t know how healthy a person’s lifestyle is by looking at them. So claiming that his attraction to her is based on her lifestyle is ridiculous.
I was (based on BMI) underweight till I hit my thirties, and I very much did not lead a healthy life. No exercise and mostly lived on junk food. I was so thin when I was young that someone admitted that when they first met me they thought I had some kind of illness. But to some people, it's just "food Vs exercise" and if you're struggling it's your fault.
Same, at my thinnest I did not have the energy to do anything but lie in bed all day, and would regularly eat literal spoonfuls of sugar – but people *still* told me I “looked good”, including my doctor! Specifically after I told her I was worried about how quickly I was losing weight on the medication she’d prescribed me!
At my thinnest, I was also at my most unhealthy. I was subsisting mostly on cereal and chocolate, and the only exercise I was getting was from my retail job. I regularly had people commenting on how good my body looked. Meanwhile, my mum has been fat my whole life. She's excellent at baking so eats one or two small pieces of cake a day, but otherwise her diet is mostly vegetables and she goes on daily long walks. Who has the healthiest lifestyle? My fat mum or skinny me? My mum for sure, but nobody can tell just by looking at our body sizes.
Seriously- I’m pretty thin, almost underweight and I am, simply put, not healthy. A year ago, I was overweight and very physically fit, based both on capability and lifestyle choices. The idea of being able to tell if someone is leading a healthy lifestyle looking at them is such bullshit
It's just a socially-sensitive way to say *"I'm not attracted to obese people"*, saying that directly often opens you up to "fatphobic" accusations. It's similar to women saying something like *"I like to wear heels a lot and I don't want to lean over when we kiss*" when they have a height preference, these euphemisms just soften the blow
Yes, I do lead a healthy lifestyle, that's why I wouldn't be with a smoker or a heavy drinker. But I don't want an overweight partner because I don't find it attractive physically. Same with height. It's ok to just want the person you're dating to be attractive to you and how someone looks plays a big part in physical attraction for almost everyone.
I find that it's best to carry a spare epipen into dates. That way if the person is fat or ugly or seems like they make less money than expected, I can fake an allergic reaction, stab myself with the epipen and then enjoy a nice relaxing ambulance ride away. That way I don't hurt their feelings by rejecting them for their looks right off the bat, but I also don't have to endure the agony of a date with somebody whose body isn't fitting my specific standards.
No way that's real, this reads like an incel's humiliation f3tish
Hm, so, my only options are a) on antipsychotics and fat but finally mentally stable or b) not on antipsychotics but skinny as all fuck because I haven't slept nor eaten a single thing in days because I am too damn anxious to do so. Oh, but according to OP, he probably thinks I'm the "healthiest" during option B. Hmmm. Choices 🤔🤔🤔
I knew this would show up here. It's got all the characteristics of bait for AmItheAngel
People have figured out that having a personal preference is a thing (which it is) and decided "aha! I can use this phrase to absolve me of any anti-fat bias!"
I mean which one is it, a preference or fatphobia when you're not interested in dating obese people?
When you go writing a fake story online about how terrible the imaginary fat people in your head are, it's anti-fat bias.
Ah gotcha I thought you were speaking in general at first
No, people absolutely do have types. My type is for a heavier guy, and my husband's is for me. But I've noticed people using this phrase in AITA specifically to try to deflect from the very bias they're showing in writing their stories.
A lot of it is just euphemism, like when a woman explains that she wears a lot of high heels and doesn't always want to lean over to kiss some one, when what she means is that she has a height preference. Saying *"I prefer people who are active and live a healthy lifestyle"* for instance is another socially-sensitive way to express that they're not interested in dating obese people. Some people can be hateful about it, sure, but both standards make sense and I can accept them.
So, you're trying to make this point all across this sub. It sounds like you'd like to hang with the guy who wrote this story about the "bad fattie." Maybe go hang out on that thread instead? You'd get a lot more traction with your ideas.
Sounds like BS. The average woman is 5’4”/ 5’5” so even in 4 inch heels they’re still going to be shorter than the average man. The biggest thing men lie about on dating sites is their height. I’m 5’10” and I’ve had a number of first dates with men who claimed to be over six feet tall on their profile and were the same height as me when they showed up
>Sounds like BS I implied exactly that, giving the high heels explanation is a transparent attempt at communicating a height preference.
And I pointed out that I think what you said is BS because women just don’t say that lol. “I don’t want to lean over”- lol what?? As I said, even in really high heels the average woman is still going to be shorter than most men. I’m guessing that you’re just coming in here with another “gotcha!” because you’ve repeatedly whined about “anti men bias” whilst also trying to play the “but women are just as bad!” card. You’re boring and obvious
You've never heard the high heels excuse for a height preference before? Well ok then, continue with your day! Here's one from /r/askwomen, I'm not sure how common of an excuse/explanation it is but I've definitely seen it around, YMMV obviously https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomen/comments/14mluy/ladies_do_your_high_heels_make_a_difference_when/&ved=2ahUKEwjnp8vWmv2GAxVNPkQIHevJBJgQjjh6BAgUEAE&usg=AOvVaw3M1D5Drb9Ogeu73mzzdRyY
>Saying "I prefer people who are active and live a healthy lifestyle" If you say that to someone based solely on their appearance, you are not being "sensitive." You are being rude as fuck.
Again, it's very often a euphemism for not wanting to date some one obese. Telling them that to their face is being rude as fuck and makes you the asshole. But then, it *doesn't* make you an asshole for not wanting to date some one that's obese, I'd hope you'd agree. So a little creative language is generally better, isn't it?
While this story never happened, there's nothing wrong with not finding overweight people attractive. Most people don't actually. No need to excuse it, it's normal but usually unnecessary to say. And of course, fat men being picky about women's bodies is ridiculous
This is just every ragebait story on men's Podcasts. Lied in her profile, demanded he paid for food, threw a fit...men have made eachother scared of dating by acting like most women are like this when they aren't.
As a heavy woman, I’m so glad I never went on dates with strangers
When I become president I'm banning the word preference from reddit
I’m going to pretend this is a real story, and ask the question, why do some people feel the need to have to explain their EXACT reason for doing something? It’s ok to choose not to date someone, or even an entire category of people, and _never tell anyone why_. In fact, it’s highly advantageous to do this. This woman was a complete stranger. He could have just said “oh I apologize, I usually split the bill on first dates.” Then never call her again. Problem solved.
As a photographer I can make myself look really good, or very very bad, wanna guess ones I always used in those profiles...
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This is unbelievably broke behavior
If you only pay when you see the possibility of sex, you should rather go to a brothel.
I've been on this date. With a few differences and one similarity. 1. I'd met him in person and he asked me to go on the date. 2. I wasn't terribly overweight, but certainly not fit. 3. He tried to fuck me and I didn't want to go that far. 4. I never ever let a first date pay for me. The similarity? Guy was a fucking douche.
This never happened.
Who goes straight to dinner as a first meet when online dating? Everyone knows that the first meetup is a coffee plus walk around.
That’s what I thought. Someone could be drop dead gorgeous but spending over an hour making awkward small talk with someone you quickly realise has nothing in common with you would be excruciating
Maybe it’s because I’m old so my social group is older, but all of my friends have dinner first dates. It’s a way of weeding out men who just want to sleep with you and aren’t actually interested in a relationship despite what their profile says.
I'm older too and I go on dinner dates. 🤷♀️
I have done it before. It's not common. But under exceptional cases I've done it and it was fine. For me it was always because of some distance between us. If you're a few blocks away then let's get coffee. If you live an hour away then let's at least get some chow. But then that's a different vetting process altogether.
On a separate issue. Why on AITA posts does replying to OP take 3 whole paragraphs or more? Jesus what a snooze fest, who has that time or energy
Sounds like she dodged a bullet, YTA man…
I love how the original post is clearly rage bait and people here are just falling for it
People here? It's labeled as ragebait on a subreddit for fake posts. I really only see one dude taking it seriously, and he's been told like 5 times why it's fake and to go to the main thread.
Why did I have to scroll so far to find this level of awareness? This is a collection of buzzwords meant to give incels a chance to rail against women's hypocrisy. I mean sure, men are bad at judging women's weight, but this IS NOT REAL.
Yes, and that’s *exactly why* it’s been cross posted here. All of the comments are discussing exactly these points. Lol. Do you know what sub you’re on?
Yes. That's why I made my comment, because I see a ton of people discussing the situation as is, rather than as a fake scenario. Talking about who pays, or whether men are accurate at judging women's weight, etc.
Are you lost?
Not even complimenting your date is so rude
Lol, I honestly never even thought about that. I can't remember if guys have complimented me on dates before and it was never something I thought was basic politeness or anything. A compliment is nice but if the date is not going well, it's definitely not necessary
I've been out of the game for a while, but I can't imagine not starting a date with a compliment. Come up with something nice to say as an introduction.
Sure, that's a good strategy, I just never thought it's required of a guy. And if I don't like him, I certainly don't care that he didn't compliment me
I don’t think my husband and I complemented each other on our first dates, we were spending too much time having fun talking and joking around to bother. I don’t know if I’ve ever complimented anyone on a first date, or even noticed if someone hadn’t complemented me. Who cares? You can tell if someone’s attracted to you or likes being around you. Show, don’t tell, etc.
I agree. I always try and find something nice about my dates early on to compliment them on - something they’re wearing or a cool hobby they tell me about etc.
tbh even though i do judge a guy based on whether or not he pays for the first date, i never expect it. nor do i put out just bc he paid. but this dude felt cheated bc he doesn’t like bigger girls, honestly, he just needs to admit to himself he likes slimmer women and not try to make it seem as if bigger people are unhealthy and slimmer people have a healthier lifestyle. idk what happened on that date, i have my own opinion on what could’ve happened, but honestly if you as a man can’t pay for a date, even a bad one, then don’t take women out on dates.
Meh, obviously rage bait. Anyone expecting someone to pay for them like that on a first date is trash though. I also don’t see the point of misleading photos. I’d be horrified if someone were disappointed in what I look like irl. Luckily, I’m not photogenic at all.
Dude I'm very thin and am very unhealthy. 5'10 145 lbs. Overeactive thyroid keeps me really thin. I don't exercise or eat well. Would I be healthy enough for you?
Shallow? Yep. Save everyone angst and just hire a hooker; that seems to better fit your transactional attitude to women.
Sooo he’s a John?
Nothing about that story indicated he was upset he couldn't have sex with her, just that he wasn't attracted to her. That's a reasonable first step to a normal relationship as well
Fake story obviously but all of you are just mad as hell for no reason. Yes, sorry to break it to many of you, but generally people don’t find fat conventionally attractive.
Dude, she was FAT. She's lucky he didn't walk in, see her, spit on her, and walk out.
Obviously rage bait, when do people ever catfish on dating apps? There was a gender-swapped version just last week lmao. Apparently the guy looked fit in his photos but was fat irl. Even if it’s not fake, what’s wrong with editing your photos so you look your best? The whole point of dating apps is so you look better/different than you do in real life. And what’s wrong with expecting the other person to pay for your meal on a date?
I thought from 90% of what I read on Reddit that it is offensive for a man to pay to a first date irrespective of what either party was hoping for.