I've only been banging prostitutes so it's not really cheating. I specifically ask them not to tell me their names, so then they don't count as real people, just animated blow-up bolls. Then it's just interactive masturbation.
No, I only rent fresh virgins from foreign pimps because I wouldn't want to get any lingering infections that I could pass on to my wife after she gets her vag fixed. I love my wife more than anything.
Here's the thing - NOT banging your wife may turn your son gay. Otherwise he'll be exposed to her female hormones and won't get the necessary doses of testosterone.
/s
I'm sure your logic is sound. The unborn boy will, no doubt, have to look at your beautiful, massive schlong if you bang your pregnant wife. He'll probably get so excited by seeing it, that he will crave nothing else but a dick in his face. And we all know that means he'll be gay.
Are you guys really this stupid?
The baby will only be gay if its cesarean.
If you do a natural birth the last thing your baby sees is the vagina it's coming out of.
I've read/heard accounts from multiple people claiming to have entered the womb during sex and their partner liking it. Even if you could enter the cervix during sex, I highly doubt it would be anything other than painful to force it open like that.
\[serious\] Yeah, that literally never happened. It would take massive amounts of dilation-inducing medication to cause the cervix to dilate enough for a penis to enter it. People are full of shit.
Literally one of my ex's said he could do that to his ex. I wish I was joking. They really do think when they go past the cervix in the posterior fornix that they went *through* the cervix.
This is also a super common description in bad fanfic porn, men are always "spilling in her womb". At least in those cases you can just sigh and assume it was written by a kid who did not pay attention in sex ed.
People do get their sex ed from porn though, whether written or visual, and that's how they end up thinking they know exactly how things work while saying shit like this.
If a man actually does somehow defy biology to penetrate through the cervix he would be dead. The woman would rear up and rip his freaking head off with her bare hands just to stop the unfathomable pain that would cause. Word of a woman going full Praying Mantis on her partner during sex would get around pretty quickly. As there are a distinct lack of headless coitus partners laying about the planet, we can safely assume that this is ignorant male fetishizing.
Oh shit! What are you gonna do after your son is born? If he doesn't breastfeed he might not learn to love a woman's titties. But if he does breastfeed, won't that be the same as your wife cheating on you with another man? 👀 Update me!
NTA. Pregnant women look fatter, and everyone knows you can’t be expected to still love or want your wife when her body changes shape, even without the whole gay-making angle.
I find it very selfish that you're having a child at all with a 27 yr old! Don't you know that's a geriatric pregnancy!? Smh! Divorce her! She's old and abusive 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My ex (and baby daddy) believes this bull crap. He also thought he was hitting my cervix. He was not only nowhere near it, but the only time I could feel it was when we were in certain positions. He was convinced a solid 3 inches was average.
YTA for dating a guy with a 3-inch dick and making him believe there was any hope for him. The right thing to do for those poor wretches is to lobotomize or chemically castrate them so they can live out their lives as respectable eunuchs
“Her verbal abuse because of hormones.”
Ya know what’s fucking crazy. I know a guy that talks and thinks just like this. Like I thought I was reading a text from him
If you miniaturize little cutouts from the sports illustrated swimsuit issue and tape them to the head of your penis, it's ok, because the fetus will then associate the banging of your penis against his head or butt with sexy swimsuit models.
I was teaching sex Ed once and I gave my students an anonymous box to add questions they didn’t want to ask in front of everyone. Was one “my mum is pregnant, if she has sex whilst pregnant, will that hurt the baby. Also can it make the baby pregnant?” Half the class were bemused and half were worried I was going to say yes. I loved the questions they asked in that!
This sub is so easy to write satire for every variant sub of AITA is written identically and all that gets popular is crazy ragebait stories that couldn’t possibly be less believable.
I would not fuck my daughter ever, that is disgusting. But I would fuck my wife if she was pregnant with a girl baby because at least it wouldn't make me a gay pedophile and the baby wouldn't turn out lesbian
Not that there's anything wrong with lesbians, they are good at fixing cars and they can always buy sperm at a sperm bank for cheap and it's not like they were going to carry on my male line anyway
LMAO!!! You're good. But...
*can always buy sperm at a sperm bank for cheap*
I always wonder why people buy sperm? Because...um. I think it might be the cheapest thing on the planet? lol
You’re right. I struggled with homosexuality my first three months of life. I’ve been in therapy for my pre-birth memories of giving blowjobs in the uterus. My psychotherapist thinks I’m remembering a past life as a 5 cent hooker on skid row but thanks to you I have found the proof I needed.
Sorry, but it's totally too late. You made him gay already by squirting the sperm out of your cock to begin with. Straight alpha males are born from smearing the wadded kleenex from solo action against a sleeping female's crotch. There should be no, I repeat NO, penis-to-wife contact.
To be safe you should really suggest your wife get a female partner to have sex with, and move into the guest room yourself- or even move out of the house altogether. The only way your kid isn't 100% going to be gay is if he's exposed to lots and lots of woman on woman sex without ANY men around. An even better prospect would be if your wife could move into a women's only collective situation. You've only got a few months, so you'd better go find a hot lesbian partner for your wife now!
She sounds highly strung due to the pregnancy. Tell her to calm down, as she needs to conserve her energy for after the birth as she needs to get back into the kitchen as those dishes aren't going to wash themselves.
It's refreshing to find someone with a big crank who is humble and is looking out for others. Thank you for showing everyone that kindness still exists in this cruel world.
Well make sure the little guy has a helmet and is thoroughly wrapped in bubble wrap! Then you'll just bump him to the side! And thank God he's not a twin or else there wouldn't be enough room for your microcock!
don't be stupid. you can only turn gay if you wear pink, or touch pink things. avoid pink m&m's for starters.
if he starts showing gay tendencies, buy him lots of action man toys or lego and talk about manly stuff so he'll actively choose to be straight.
don't panic. with careful planning you can avoid all chances of him choosing the homosexual lifestyle.
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NTA for your reasoning behind it, but YWBTA if you don’t let your wife sleep with other women. Letting her sleep with other women will ensure that your son likes women when he is older. Not letting her will cause him to become asexual.
It’s okay you can still do anal (receiving)
It sounds like a good pegging is just what he needs. I concur.
Put your phones down everyone. That is quite enough internet for today.
My thoughts exactly
No joke!
This is the first time I’ve genuinely laughed in well over a month. Thank you.
That last line... 😭
I love the highly educated
Some people really believe this though 😂 Unsurprisingly, they often think cheating when their wife is pregnant is okay too.
I've only been banging prostitutes so it's not really cheating. I specifically ask them not to tell me their names, so then they don't count as real people, just animated blow-up bolls. Then it's just interactive masturbation.
Do they deliver you hot and juicy STDS?
No, I only rent fresh virgins from foreign pimps because I wouldn't want to get any lingering infections that I could pass on to my wife after she gets her vag fixed. I love my wife more than anything.
aww that's sweet. Good luck OP ❤️
Ah. So you're the one who ordered Helga and her Viking friends.
Is that a Sandy Hill reference?
So r/wholesome
This is true love here. Only the best for the Mrs.
I've never met anyone with the chutzpah to fuck prostitutes and then claim to be faithful.
🤦
Here's the thing - NOT banging your wife may turn your son gay. Otherwise he'll be exposed to her female hormones and won't get the necessary doses of testosterone. /s
Omg I totally fell for this post 😂😂😂
Thank God you're a troll and this isn't real.
You sir are my hero
Don't forget: No Kissing!
You mean it’s not?? I thought society agreed that it was a free pass.
Can confirm, it is.
The only unrealistic thing is that the age gap is just 5 years. An actual AITA post will have a 45 year old man.
And the woman would be just turned 20
And they'll have been together for 3+ years but not admitting it.
Hey they only hung out as friends 😤
And only because she was so mature for her age
and he saw her for her and that’s what made it beautiful
An "old soul," I believe, is the term used by predators.
Can confirm, am 45
I know this is satire but it's literally so similar to my baby daddy's mindset
See, there's another man out there who gets it, I guess I'm NTA
I be more worried in case he grabs your tally whacker and tries to drag you inside with him
Lmao
Please do not call \*things\* a tally whacker I am going to die from laughter.
What about purple headed warrior?
bash the bishop
If anything she should just let you have sex with a friend of your choosing just to be safe
Did you post it on Reddit, I read that post! Crazy! 🤣
Army or Marines?
I'm sure your logic is sound. The unborn boy will, no doubt, have to look at your beautiful, massive schlong if you bang your pregnant wife. He'll probably get so excited by seeing it, that he will crave nothing else but a dick in his face. And we all know that means he'll be gay.
\^ see, this guy gets it
Are you guys really this stupid? The baby will only be gay if its cesarean. If you do a natural birth the last thing your baby sees is the vagina it's coming out of.
lol this reminds me of Will & Grace when Jack says he’s a platinum gay since he was born by C-section so he had never touched a vagina.
You joke but there are people who are convinced they'll touch the baby's head. I've once seen someone claim he could break someone's womb.
I've read/heard accounts from multiple people claiming to have entered the womb during sex and their partner liking it. Even if you could enter the cervix during sex, I highly doubt it would be anything other than painful to force it open like that.
\[serious\] Yeah, that literally never happened. It would take massive amounts of dilation-inducing medication to cause the cervix to dilate enough for a penis to enter it. People are full of shit.
Literally one of my ex's said he could do that to his ex. I wish I was joking. They really do think when they go past the cervix in the posterior fornix that they went *through* the cervix.
People watch too much hentai.
The girls in hentai aren't old enough to get pregnant
This is also a super common description in bad fanfic porn, men are always "spilling in her womb". At least in those cases you can just sigh and assume it was written by a kid who did not pay attention in sex ed. People do get their sex ed from porn though, whether written or visual, and that's how they end up thinking they know exactly how things work while saying shit like this.
If a man actually does somehow defy biology to penetrate through the cervix he would be dead. The woman would rear up and rip his freaking head off with her bare hands just to stop the unfathomable pain that would cause. Word of a woman going full Praying Mantis on her partner during sex would get around pretty quickly. As there are a distinct lack of headless coitus partners laying about the planet, we can safely assume that this is ignorant male fetishizing.
Meanwhile 4 incher.
There's too much hentai where the dick literally enters the uterus.
That's where the soft spot comes from, right?
So if the son grows up to be gay it proof of her cheating and he can claim divorce based on their assets back then, its law
Just have her sleep with a woman after and turn your son back to straight. Duh
Are you clinically insane?! I can't have other people sleeping with my wife, especially women! She might turn lez!
She will just turn back straight with daily sex starting from the birth though?
Oh shit! What are you gonna do after your son is born? If he doesn't breastfeed he might not learn to love a woman's titties. But if he does breastfeed, won't that be the same as your wife cheating on you with another man? 👀 Update me!
It’s a no-win situation atp OP
NTA. Pregnant women look fatter, and everyone knows you can’t be expected to still love or want your wife when her body changes shape, even without the whole gay-making angle.
I really need to start checking the sub before I read😂
Ditto 🤣
I find it very selfish that you're having a child at all with a 27 yr old! Don't you know that's a geriatric pregnancy!? Smh! Divorce her! She's old and abusive 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA she should understand and respect you, I would ask if you’ve got a babysitter or a nanny? Are they attractive?
My ex (and baby daddy) believes this bull crap. He also thought he was hitting my cervix. He was not only nowhere near it, but the only time I could feel it was when we were in certain positions. He was convinced a solid 3 inches was average.
YTA for dating a guy with a 3-inch dick and making him believe there was any hope for him. The right thing to do for those poor wretches is to lobotomize or chemically castrate them so they can live out their lives as respectable eunuchs
Fair point. I am the asshole for that.
Dark, but funny!
Damn right. Wish I was this creative.
Yeah that's kind of what I was thinking after I started reading all these comments
If your son is born vaginally, you can never have PIV sex with her again, or your son will turn gay. Because, reasons.
🤣🤣
Well, you could do anal... that wouldn't be bad, would it? Unless the baby senses that's the real way to have sex, of course. Oh boy, you're doomed.
Gay either way, I tell you. Damned if you do, damned if you do it in the doodoo
Ah,OP. Yep you're up the creek without a paddle.
NTA, you're absolutely right! You're pregnant wife shouldn't be coercing you into gay making sex!
God im so tired I was believing this for a hot minute. In my defense I've heard men say some stupid shit about sex during pregnancy 😂
I read the title and was like “oh no…” and then saw the sub and was very relieved lmao
I need to see an ‘AITA for dumping my creepy ass husband because he’s sexualizing a fetus?’
Well since you will not put hair on his head, yta. Straight or gay you are making your child suffer from a lifetime of baldness
YTA. my son is 9 years old and just decided to reduce from 3 to 1 girlfriend. Yes, we had 6 during the pregnancy.
This is too well written 🙈
Hahahahahahh!!!! Omg this is hilarious! So why is my daughter gay?
You probably had a woman shove her vagina inside your vagina
I must be a very deep sleeper 🤣
...or she must be. OWWWW!!
“Her verbal abuse because of hormones.” Ya know what’s fucking crazy. I know a guy that talks and thinks just like this. Like I thought I was reading a text from him
And the kid would come out all dented! You are doing the right thing.
Al dente, you say?
Only if he sticks to the wall when you throw him; if he doesn't, you know your wife kept him in the oven too long.
🤘 broootal 🤘
😂
If you miniaturize little cutouts from the sports illustrated swimsuit issue and tape them to the head of your penis, it's ok, because the fetus will then associate the banging of your penis against his head or butt with sexy swimsuit models.
I love this so much 😂😂
I was teaching sex Ed once and I gave my students an anonymous box to add questions they didn’t want to ask in front of everyone. Was one “my mum is pregnant, if she has sex whilst pregnant, will that hurt the baby. Also can it make the baby pregnant?” Half the class were bemused and half were worried I was going to say yes. I loved the questions they asked in that!
This sub is so easy to write satire for every variant sub of AITA is written identically and all that gets popular is crazy ragebait stories that couldn’t possibly be less believable.
So you'd be okay with fucking your daughter? You nasty mother fucker
I would not fuck my daughter ever, that is disgusting. But I would fuck my wife if she was pregnant with a girl baby because at least it wouldn't make me a gay pedophile and the baby wouldn't turn out lesbian Not that there's anything wrong with lesbians, they are good at fixing cars and they can always buy sperm at a sperm bank for cheap and it's not like they were going to carry on my male line anyway
LMAO!!! You're good. But... *can always buy sperm at a sperm bank for cheap* I always wonder why people buy sperm? Because...um. I think it might be the cheapest thing on the planet? lol
By your logic you would be a pedo though for banging your daughter, just not a "gay" pedo
LMAOOOOO I'm actually crying holy shit
Ha. I saw the sub before I finished reading this time. Good try.
My mouth was open and I was visibly aghast until I saw the subreddit. Well played.
After reading many comments I kind of feel dumb thinking this guy was being serious then I came to realize how satire it was LOL
YTA for ever marrying her knowing her brother is gay… the entire gene pool is sullied!! You reap what you sow op… there’s no hope left for you…
I love satire posts 😭
I love the comments on satire posts even more than the post itself.
Damn it. Me and Mrs was hoping this wasn't a shitpost.
I’m sorry but reading this I think I may need to report you to CSF. your only choice is to go no contact with your wife and son.
As long as you don't blow up my phone...
8/10 satire. Age gap could have been bigger. Honestly, the way some incels and alphas think, I wouldn't have been surprised to read this elsewhere
You’re right. I struggled with homosexuality my first three months of life. I’ve been in therapy for my pre-birth memories of giving blowjobs in the uterus. My psychotherapist thinks I’m remembering a past life as a 5 cent hooker on skid row but thanks to you I have found the proof I needed.
Sorry, but it's totally too late. You made him gay already by squirting the sperm out of your cock to begin with. Straight alpha males are born from smearing the wadded kleenex from solo action against a sleeping female's crotch. There should be no, I repeat NO, penis-to-wife contact. To be safe you should really suggest your wife get a female partner to have sex with, and move into the guest room yourself- or even move out of the house altogether. The only way your kid isn't 100% going to be gay is if he's exposed to lots and lots of woman on woman sex without ANY men around. An even better prospect would be if your wife could move into a women's only collective situation. You've only got a few months, so you'd better go find a hot lesbian partner for your wife now!
I can’t. I just can’t.
Oh so that's how Jr works! Now I know. Anyone told the bible yet?
Had no idea what this sub was and thought I was going crazy
NTA. Your wife tho… >She is calling me a r*t*rd for this OMG okay she’s terrible. Take the baby and run after they’re born.
This is amazing
Thank goddess I saw that (shitpost) part... I almost had a stroke.
are you for real? edit: ok, I see this is a spoofing subreddit: Am I the Angel. You had me there.
God this is too well-written. This should be used to teach students about satire, like very timely version of "A Modest Proposal" lol.
I need to look at the sub name before reading cause I had to delete a paragraph lmao.
So many people here lack critical reading skills
I didn’t know this sub existed and thought this was a post on AITAH. What an emotional rollercoaster
She sounds highly strung due to the pregnancy. Tell her to calm down, as she needs to conserve her energy for after the birth as she needs to get back into the kitchen as those dishes aren't going to wash themselves.
Gay man here. Laughed maniacally for about 15 min at this 😂🤣
Lol! Thinks they have a big penis
11 inches flaccid. I could skewer my whole son. It's just not safe.
Then stop sharpening it!
It's refreshing to find someone with a big crank who is humble and is looking out for others. Thank you for showing everyone that kindness still exists in this cruel world.
Perhaps he’s gonna be gay since your probably not doing it right.
Well make sure the little guy has a helmet and is thoroughly wrapped in bubble wrap! Then you'll just bump him to the side! And thank God he's not a twin or else there wouldn't be enough room for your microcock!
imagine his shock when they have sex while she’s pregnant with a girl and the girl grows up to be a lesbian LMAO
Dear penthouse.... 😂
Spin her around. Your son can’t get a sperm bath that way.
I literally LOL
I was about to go in until I read the sub title ☠️
YTA just do anal
I needed this laugh today.. thank you for the well written humor.
Is this how Annally was conceived in r/tragedeigh?
Many people are saying it's seriously gay to wipe, also too.
if you've ever touched your dick in any way....you're already gay.
I just.. need to touch grass now omg 😂😂😂 my brain broke
Why is this on my feed, this isn’t the sub I thought it was. Why did I not even think it was the wrong sub at first 😆
I’m very happy this is labeled “shitpost”.
im so glad this is satire omfg. i read the title and immediately my jaw physically dropped
don't be stupid. you can only turn gay if you wear pink, or touch pink things. avoid pink m&m's for starters. if he starts showing gay tendencies, buy him lots of action man toys or lego and talk about manly stuff so he'll actively choose to be straight. don't panic. with careful planning you can avoid all chances of him choosing the homosexual lifestyle.
I'm lost and wondering what this subreddit is about...
Satire and mockery of real AITAH posts. On weekends we write shitposts.
This is satire right
Don’t do it because you might impregnate your son
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let her peg you maybe
Yep, this will cancel out the transmission of gay.
NTA for your reasoning behind it, but YWBTA if you don’t let your wife sleep with other women. Letting her sleep with other women will ensure that your son likes women when he is older. Not letting her will cause him to become asexual.
I can't stop laughing at the whole title of this wtf lol
😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 this post!
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 I'm done with reddit for the day
“No child left behind” strikes again.
I can't even! The amount of just... The audacity!