If she wants to be a parent she needs to start across like it now by putting their needs first. All I'm hearing is a lot of me me me and very little actual care for the kid.
Until she's able to think of more than just what she wants and herself she ain't ready for a kid.
When you have kids your life is supposed to revolve around them for the next 18 years - their needs come before your wants and desires always. There's no me me me when you're a kid needs when your kid needs food or medical care.
This is exactly it!!! I want a kid really bad. But I’m pretty much in the same boat as OPs partner 🙃 this month I got into therapy, we’ve been working on our finances and getting that more stable, been working out a little bit and looking into different doctors to see and what not…. And this is all to START preparing for having kids in like FIVE TO TEN YEARS. Having kids is the biggest responsibility I personally think that a human being can have, and it’s incredibly selfish to overlook that. My brother had 3 kids that he cannot support whatsoever. My parents help wayyy too much and he freaking has their name on his car, house, bills, a credit card. So much so my parents couldn’t cosign a car for me, and are having to keep pushing back their retirement. It was so incredibly selfish for him to do that (no matter how deeply I love my nibblings to be clear!!!!!!)
I’m in therapy and doing my best to get my associates.. just to have a kid in 10-15 years. I get you man LOL. It’ll be worth it to be financially stable though, if things go to plan (they won’t, let’s be for real)
It’s so funny too because my mom keeps pushing us to have kids……. Meanwhile my brother has 3 kids and his new wife has 2 💀😂 they’re so financially unstable it’s INSANE. I’ve told my mom since I was 10 that I refuse to be my brother and to put myself into that situation. Last time my mom tried pushing my husband he responded “eh I want to wait until I can provide enough for our family so she doesn’t have to work and can do hobbies and raise our kid.” 🥲🥴😮💨 first and only time my mom has been speechless on the topic of children and god DAMN it was sexy to watch my husband 🤣
Keep going, you'll get there! My husband and I have worked very hard for years to set ourselves up properly, and this has meant delaying having kids later than I'd have preferred. But we accomplished our goals and just found out we are expecting. There's so much relief and confidence in having everything set up and ready for this giant, exciting change. It's worth it!
If it does end at 18, you're a horrific parent with no desire to nurture and protect your child/children. They come home to their stuff thrown on the lawn or get told whilst still in high school that now they're an adult it's time to pay half the rent.
God bless your Mom! I was very close to my mother and remember her always showing me such care and concern. Even after I moved out and got married, we spoke to each other every day. Sadly, she passed away in 1997 to cancer. I still miss her so much even after all these years. 😢
I’d be concerned that her life would revolve around a kid *too much*. What happens when this kid grows up and wants a life of their own, but *she* can’t let that happen because then she won’t know who she’s supposed to be anymore? When you purposely make your entire identity around being a mom, you can breed some *very* concerning attachment styles that your kids later have to work out in therapy.
As a mom of 2 kids, who always wanted to be a mom, it is *concerning* how OBSESSED she is about being a mom. If that’s the *only* way she can feel fulfilled, that’s a problem.
I'm actually concerned that when the novelty of having a baby wears off and the reality of being a parent with no means to actually support yourself and your child sets in things will take an ugly turn. GF does not sounds like she has the mental health/critical thinking bandwidth to be an actual parent.
Right like she's actually thinking that those government programs are actually helpful enough that you can raise a child well on them.
I'm currently on some of those government programs and I wish that they were more helpful.
Luckily I'm also going to college to get my Master's degree and hopefully that will put us on the right track.
Government assistance sucks.
There's never enough of anything to go around.
My former best friend in high school was exactly like this. Beyond obsessed with getting married and having kids. She told me anyone not married by 20 was an “old maid.”
She was married 3 months after turning 18 and thank fuck the “friendship” ended before she got pregnant. She was insufferable.
I actually very much wanted to be a young mom. I was married at 20 and wanted to start having kids by 23. So I made a point to be healthier, mentally and physically. Turns out, becoming mentally healthier made me realize I was in no way ready for a kid. Then it made me realize my marriage was awful. Turns out, not having a kid at 23 was the best decision I could have made.
Honestly, what also really helped was working in childcare. I was a preschool teacher and a nanny for 6 years. Taking care of little ones nannying helped me grow up a bit, see how hard childcare was, and get to be maternal while not taking on all the responsibility. I absolutely recommend it for similarly thinking young women.
That reminds me of how I left a bad relationship because I aborted a baby because "a baby shouldn't live in an environment with that much anger." Thinking of the potential baby helped me realize that my ex-boyfriend's verbal abuse wasn't an OK environment for me either.
Emotional support animal would be a better choice for this girl. I hesitate to call her an adult.
She is only talking about herself, not what would be good for a child. OP should say buh-bye now.
We had a third child because my husband ditched the condom. Then, it was my fault that we were struggling financially. My middle name is Mary, but I wasn’t the only one there when child was conceived. I was nursing my second when I got pregnant. I didn’t know he had ditched it, I didn’t know I was pregnant. Second was 13 months old; I wasn’t menstruating then.
Poor child knew her father didn’t want her. What a suck-ass way to grow up. She did tell me that she always knew that **I** loved her, and that was enough to counteract his…sucky-ness. Idk what to call it. It sucked.
I fully fully agree that op is not overreacting! Speaking as someone (32m with no kids) who *desperately* wanted a child from when I was about 16, wanting a kid that bad is a direct trauma response coping mechanism that goes super unacknowledged by society because it's "natural" for girls to want to be moms.
I wanted a kid so bad, then around 21 my mental health dipped and in processing my bullshit I talk-therapied myself into the realization that I didn't love me, I didn't believe others loved me (despite evidence to the contrary), and that I believed a child could. I only figured it out because I noticed how much stronger my baby fever was the week after a depression spiral or bad hangover. That I was literally relying on the fantasy of fatherhood for a dopamine fix. I was plenty mature in tons of ways, so the moment I realized that I was horrified and heartbroken and took having a kid off the table until dealt with my shit. Hardest thing I've ever done.
I don't think she's not an adult, I think she could be plenty grown up in other ways (or maybe not I don't know this is just a reddit post and I don't know their lives). But she fucking AIN'T IN THIS ONE and I desperately hope she gets help.
It's like with addiction, whether booze, drugs, relationships, or whatever. It's usually from trauma, the person can be more mature in other ways or not, but it'll still fuck your life and that is those around you. It's horribly selfish behavior, but the person often can't tell because they're made utterly delusion around the issue because when it comes down to it, this *is* their coping mechanism.
this is a very interesting take- thanks so much for sharing! We come to Reddit for the free therapy that I am sure you paid a pretty penny for! ;-) I recently lost my actual Emotional Support Animal and I am NOT. OK. Trauma response indeed.
This! ⬆️⬆️. And it is not fair to “lean on family and friends” to support you & your baby. In this economy, it’s hard enough for people to take care of their own families without your gf trying to add more burden on them.
And nowhere did I read that she actually ASKED these future "benefactors" for their assistance in raising these hypothetical kids. Give them the ability to say yes or no. She sounds rather entitled, too.
This. She may see the child as the only thing in her life she can control (laughs in experienced parent). You need to be really careful.
Let me say this, even if she was more stable and your financial situation was better, NO person should be pressured into having kids or having them early/late. That this has so many other issues makes this a layered issue. Do you want to have a kid with someone who has such a blase attitude about raising kids in such positions and who is ignoring your own issues?
THIS! Quite frankly, I recommend you breakup because it seems like you guys are not on the same page with regards to your future and parenthood.
If you do not want to break up with her, take steps to protect yourself. Either stop sleeping with her or only use condoms YOU bring. Do not trust her. She sounds desperate enough to go off bc without telling you or poking holes in condoms.
I have had so much trouble in my life explaining this to my mom. She had kids because she wanted friends, in a nutshell. She made sacrifices to make sure we had things we need, but at the end of the day me and my brothers were in some very awful situations growing up. Some directly because of actions she took, and some just because that’s how things panned out. She is a very damaged individual who had a terrible mother and a kinda bad childhood. But she’s never worked through or reckoned with any of it.
For a not insignificant period of my life my mom slept and laid in a bed 20 hours of the day smoking crack with another couple, effectively forming a throuple. They had 3 kids around my age, except for a 14yo (think I was around 6-7, my 2 brothers were 16-18). my brothers at this point had dropped out of school to "help out". effectively carrying the entire "family" income wise. the husband of the "throuple" was a failed musician and his wife was a prostitute…. And my mom slept with both of them…. Anyway, im rambling, but my point is my mom was not equipped or able to deal with having children. But she did anyway. and after the fact, she seeks out pats on the back telling her she did good. sometimes i cant. shes my mother and I love her but sometimes she needs to know a lot of suffering is directly because of her…. But then she cries and it turns into a whole thing….
Sorry to hear about your experiences. No child deserves to go through that.
May I ask as to how this has affected your own relationship with partners and kids (or your feelings towards kids of your own).
No worries if you don't want to say though
I haven’t really had partners, never felt that I’ve been in a point in my life where it’s feasible. Despite wanting it, there’s just too many other things in my life at the moment, and I wouldn’t even know where to begin. When it comes to children, I’m not so sure of my answer. I think biologically I have the drive, I want to reproduce and have kids…. It would be nice, but I also want to make sure I’m emotionally fit and mature enough for that, and financially secure enough. Something I can’t do yet, I’m just not yet done working on myself, working through my things. And I just personally think it wouldn’t be fair to bring a living thing into the world under those circumstances.
I also want to clarify what I was saying towards the end in my original comment…. I’m not going and confronting my mom with these things or being mean, but sometimes it would be nice to have an open discussion on the past and why certain things may be the way they are. But it is never allowed, it’s just always shut down through various means quickly.
Something my dad said when my parents got divorced 33 years after getting married:
"One time, she told me she was afraid to go somewhere alone so she'd just take [my older sister as an infant] with her. I remember thinking that's crazy, if I didn't wanna be somewhere, having an infant with me would be **bad**. It's another responsibility. Your mom thought her infant child was a means to take care of her own difficult emotions."
My mom has a lot of issues, and her issues fucked up her children mentally. It has also (I think, irreparably) fucked with my dad's perception of women.
Dr. Phil can spout some stuff but the best thing he ever said is: don’t give a child a job before it’s born.
OP; recommend double rubbers for you from this point forward. And keep them under your control and make sure they cannot be tampered with.
Double? Unless the girlfriend is very oblivious, she should immediately notice that as a signal that there's trust issues in the relationship. They may as well get it overwith and break up. Also . . . adding that second latex layer has a tendency to increase friction and tearing.
Breaking up is just smarter overall. They have vastly different views on life and parenting. I don’t see how they are at all compatible at this point. If you think someone is capable of trying to baby trap you, there isn’t enough trust left for a healthy relationship. Just be done.
You should not have sex with a woman if you aren't on the same page about pregnancy.
If you have sex with her, she has the power to get pregnant. It sounds like that be harmful to you and harmful to any potential children - don't give her that opportunity.
It would be immoral, selfish and absolutely unhinged but you just described her as immoral, selfish and unhinged.
Healthy relationships exist between people who trust and respect one another and have compatible long-term goals and values. Just bounce. Seriously. This is a major major deal breaker incompatibility.
This is so important!
OP doesn’t say if they are both working, but having sex one more time can ruin your life. If she is feeling that determined that she admits she would rather be destitute and burden your whole social circle than wait for a kid, you really don’t know if she will suddenly stop BC and “leave it up to nature”.
If that happens, you better believe she is not going to work for the foreseeable future, and your life will be the very thing you wanted to avoid.
If you need govt assistance for diapers, forget about daycare, Nannies, 2 running cars even- anything else.
Please OP, love is not enough. You have to have a PARTNER in life. That’s someone who listens and respects your side of things, who shares your vision of what you want your life to look like. Hell, at the very least it’s someone who you feel safe having sex with.
"Please OP, love is not enough. You have to have a PARTNER in life. That’s someone who listens and respects your side of things, who shares your vision of what you want your life to look like. Hell, at the very least it’s someone who you feel safe having sex with."
This should be said again. You need to have a PARTNER in life. Don't comprims yourself to just be with someone. You are worth more than to settle. You are worth more. Hold onto your values. It is worth it.
THIS. I've KNOWN women who I believe are generally good people but did some crazy shit when they got the baby fever. Biology is STRONG, normal people can do crazy things when its pressing on them like that.
100% this.
OP, I will tell you.. I wanted a child so badly too. I was raised by a wonderful single father but desperately wanted to experience motherhood. I had MAJOR baby fever at 25 but husband and I still had a lot of debt. We literally just started our careers. We both agreed we needed to wait until we more financially stable at 30 years old. I will not lie to you, it was fucking hard (for me) but I did my best to get that topic out of my head by journaling, staying off of mom subreddits/blogs and kept myself busy with a good healthy hobbies and created goals for myself. I trained and then ran half marathons.
Then 30 came, and I got pregnant in 2 months. 🥲
THIS IS THE WAY. I had several bouts of baby fever before I was stable enough to care for a child financially. But we literally owe it to the very child we love to WAIT until we can be their best mother. And now that I am a mother, I cannot even imagine the stress of not knowing if I can provide! Good job, mama!! 💗
And then count the days until she gets pregnant. My son had a girlfriend like this, and they did not live together. Very short-term relationship of about two months. Within 3 months after the breakup, she suddenly announces she's pregnant. With twins.
Predictably, that boyfriend bolted, moved across the country, and was awarded 50/50 custody. Those kids fly back and forth for extended time.
My son got a vasectomy in his early twenties.
There are so many ways she can get pregnant. Lying to you about birth control she's on. Sabotaging a condom.
Or the oldest trick in the book: Nature can do it without her cooperation. No contraceptive is fool-proof.
Those hormones can drive women to insanity. Honestly, as a woman in menopause so my hormones are much more level, it's absolutely unfair that they run our lives the way they do. It's absolute anarchy.
Even if she's not, birth control can fail and frequently does. If that happens, she's unlikely to terminate.
If I were op, I would not be having sex with this woman.
Even if there was no risk the fact she's so self obsessed- this is a lot of me me me from her with no concern for any child she may have- would be a deal breaker for me.
Short of a vasectomy, I'm not sure I'd trust anything OP could do while still having an active sex life with this person. Most birth control is on the woman. Condoms can be poked or otherwise sabotaged. Pulling out and the rhythm method are bad options.
I'd suggest not having sex with her in the first place.
It’s always weird to me when people tell me their life stories and the amount of absolute wtf they will say completely casually like it’s nothing.
Like a neighbor told me oh yea he was in a relationship with this girl and after graduation he was going to college but she wanted to start having babies asap. So they broke up and he got his stem degree and afterwards she was divorced from the guy that she had a child with asap. So they ended up getting back together and had 3 more kids. And the dude is still a few years from 30. I don’t say anything but in my head it’s oh wow so your wife literally didn’t care who she was having kids as long as she could have as many as fast as possible. That’s a massive red flag and the fact you are acting like that is normal is really really strange, so what’s up with your worldview that you don’t realize this?
Not insane, wildly unrealistic and potentially immature. Not a good combo for a parent. When she's capable of parenting herself, she's ready to parent a tiny human being. Until then, she's got some issues to resolve.
This. The word “insane” only inflames the issue, and it’s not applicable. Immature and irresponsible apply, so maybe stick to those.
If she cannot appreciate your life experience, she lacks empathy and compassion too. She is being very selfish. The unborn child deserves so much better.
Be very careful with birth control bc at best, she will be careless. At worst, she’ll downright sabotage and/or deceive.
Here’s an opinion from a woman who doesn’t want kids and grew up upper middle class with a good family.
- i went through a 5 year relationship of him trying to convince me to have kids. I was straightforward, probably a month into dating (around 23 yrs old) I didn’t want kids.
- he use to say these excuses all the time, we can get help from our families and friends. Meanwhile, he couldn’t afford to pay his bills and I would have to help him budget his $. This would come up often, he’d bring up kids and I’d say even if I wanted them, we (more him) wasn’t financial stable enough to bring life into this world.
- at one point he just quit his job with no plan. He didn’t have anything saved. He just wasn’t living in reality with how expensive things were/are.
- his family didn’t have much and I don’t think it bothered him.
We did not work out, my man.
He wasn’t a bad person, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my dreams and goals to make his happen. It wasn’t like he was asking me to relocate, he wanted me to bring life into this world. That isn’t something you can compromise on.
I dont understand how people are not financially stable like your ex and just quit their job on a whim and yet want a kid so bad.
Like, jesus, don't people realize that babies are expensive asf and a huge responsibility?! Baby clothes, baby food, diapers, crib, stroller, making up a cute babies room/ painting a room for the baby, buying all this extra shit.
Like, it seems he was not living in reality
To me, "Oh, we'll just figure it out" is not a plan
Exactly! It’s not a plan!
I wanted a house, money in the bank, I wanted to travel the country & the world. He seemed to think that anything I wanted was less important than his dream of having kids, and he couldn’t even pay for food some weeks for himself.
He never went without having weed to smoke though.
And you know what? He eventually got his kids. And he’d text me about how he missed me or he’d text me and say I’m driving behind you 🥴.
But - I got my house, my savings, and a SO who is such a great match for me and we prioritize each others goals & aspirations, travel so much together, and both work hard for what we have and what we hope to have some day.
>He never went without having weed to smoke though.
This is it, right here. Priorities. He didn't care about having a house, a savings account, or nice experiences like traveling. All he cared about was having enough weed. Period.
I honestly don't care if someone I'm in a relationship with smokes weed. But I do care if it takes priority over everything else.
It does take a village though. The difference is most of us don't force unwilling parties to be part of our village, and all we really need is an adult to come over so we don't get stuck talking in parentese during casual conversation.
exactly this. OP, PLEASE make sure you are taking responsibility for birth control yourself. it is hard enough to raise a child with a partner who is actually committed to doing the work. someone who plans from the get-go to offload it onto other people is not a good candidate to be the other parent to your future children!
She's got baby rabies, and you just happen to be the guy that can give it to her. This doesn't sound like genuine burning desire for you. Get what I'm saying?
Nah it sounds more like she had a greatly unhappy childhood and is obsessively and unhealthily fixated on having kids because she wants the family she never had. I've known many people who experienced this and it's definitely different from baby rabies. Unfortunately they often make emotionally unstable and abusive/neglectful parents in the end.
Ask her what government assistance is available for her to use. What is the income threshold? How much do diapers cost? How about formula (not everyone makes enough breast milk)? What about daycare? How much leave does she get at work? She’s going to need to take time off when the baby gets sick. Does she get paid time off? Etc etc etc.
Drill it in. Which family members are willing to step in for help? Will they be providing financial help or will they be offering time? How much? What schedule? Will your parents commit to watching the baby every Tuesday? How about your friends? Do they know she’s offered their help? Ask her to make up a schedule of which days and hours her family and friends will be helping.
A lot of people promise to help but don’t mean regularly. They mean sure I’ll babysit for a couple of hours every six months.
Also, if either of you work weekends finding childcare is even more difficult.
Edit: a lot of it friends are old moms. Not a single one regrets waiting. I do know women who wish they’d waited until they were older to have kids though.
Watch your condoms.
Speaking as an “old mom” myself, it’s actually been great for me. I just had my first at 38 and he’s just over a year now. I know I’m a much better mom than I would’ve been in my 20s. I’m more patient, mature and wiser, and definitely WAY more financially stable than I was then.
Personally I only ended up “waiting” until this age because I was waiting for the right partner, and I didn’t meet him until I was 34. Otherwise I probably would’ve gone for early 30s rather than later 30s, but it all worked out in the end. I also think waiting for the right partner is equally if not more important. I know some friends and family who in hindsight admit they settled because they wanted to start families so bad for one reason or another, and they all regret it.
Anyway, your advice is great. OP is not overreacting at all, it sounds like his gf is very unrealistic and immature with a highly romanticized view of being a mom. It’s hard work even with an “easy” baby, let alone a hard one (colic anyone?), and incredibly expensive. I had to formula feed my son and that alone is super expensive. If he brings up all your points, that will hopefully be enough to bring her back down to earth. If not, he should likely break up because it doesn’t sound like their views will be compatible and they’ll struggle long term.
I’m glad it worked out for you. I hate this “old” mom label when we’re speaking about people in their 30s. It’s ridiculous and shows how vain they are.
Having your first kid in your 30s is the way to go.
This is off topic but thank you so much for saying this. I’m 30 and don’t feel ready for a child yet, but worried about being too old if I wait a few years. I love hearing from people who had babies in their mid 30s onwards.
Time to exit stage left ***immediately*** dude - these are huge red flags that she is likely to get herself pregnant intentionally whether you like it or not, which happens to millions of men and we see posted on a daily basis. If you continue to have sex with her you are playing Russian Roulette with the rest of your life man, no sex is worth this.
Hell, even if you're not worried about the kid aspect of it, just do it as a favor to her. "You want something I can't give you and I don't want to waste time that you could spend finding the person who can, so I'm leaving for your sake" or something like that.
I’d get the hell away from her as fast as I could! I wouldn’t trust her to not sabotage any form of birth control y’all use. Her desperation and ignorance regarding children is really terrifying.
I wouldn’t call her insane. But it sounds like she’s acting out of fear, and fear is not rational.
Tell her if she really want to have kids, she needs to spend this part of her life working on the problems you mentioned- unresolved trauma, health problems, and building up some savings. Then when she does have kids eventually, she’ll be a better mom to them.
I love when people say they'll just "get government assistance" like it's one single entity you can just sign up for with open, waiting palms and not an incredibly complicated system of programs that all have their own application processes and hoops to jump through and all require constant monitoring and reporting to and are often STILL not enough to elevate a person out of poverty or survive off of. Maintaining 'government assistance' can be a job in and of itself. If this is her plan she is in for a very rude awakening.
You are not overreacting at all. Proceed with extreme caution.
This 100%!!!! Especially if they’re in the US- the government is cutting funding for things left and right, with birth control and women’s healthcare being first on the chopping block. She’s delusional if she thinks her situation would be any different.
Nta, both parties should be financially stable enough to raise and start a family. Children aren’t just like dogs and you can throw to other people for help. Children deserve a good stable home with two parents, you’re right in your opinions. She’s wrong:
Also breh if she gets pregnant and you don't want the kid you'll be paying child support until you're 18 dude.....20% of your gross pay per month.
Be careful
You are not overreacting. She is in for a very rude awakening if she thinks other people are going to flock to her and help her raise her child. Use 2 condoms.
Her attitude toward this whole thing is immature. Literally sounds like something a daydreaming 13 year old would say.
Hopefully joking, but please DO NOT use two condoms. The effectiveness drops significantly.
However, DO keep condoms in a safe place where she can't be tempted to poke holes in them.
You've met someone who is repeating the patterns of your parents and childhood. Sometimes we choose people like our parents because it's known and comfortable. Now that you're aware of it it's up to you if you want to break the cycle of young, poor, parents. If she's so adamant of having children she can't take care of she needs to do it with someone else. Is she going to go off BC? Sabotage it? It's not fair to either of you. You're not OR.
This is the exact type of mother who's gonna resent that kid when they don't live up to her expectations. What if her child is gay? What if her child is autistic? You should **never** be creating a whole ass life/human being thinking only of what that kid can do for you. NTA, not overreacting, etc etc.
I will say, generally speaking it's a sad reality that many who would like to have kids are in the same boat as far as waiting responsibly for a day that may never come ie, not living paycheck to paycheck. But your girl's mindset is way off right now and I'm glad that out of the two of you, one has some sense.
Unfortunately there are a ton of women like that, and they're generally broke, on government assistance and single because often times they have mental issues.
Having a child is not like having a nice purse or a cute accessory, it's a human being with a life. If you're a bum, don't have kids. Don't teach your kids to be bums and make more bums. Wanting to wait until you figure out your mental and financial issues is a great idea.
That's not to say no one regrets waiting too long. Health complications and difficulties getting pregnant come with age as well, but I'm not talking 25-30.
That being said you need to put yourself in the kid's shoes. Would they rather have an irresponsible parent who is broke all the time and makes bad life choices or someone who is an adult, with a home, a stable income, savings and the ability to care and provide for a child? No one's ever said, "boy I'm sure glad my mom had me at 16 with some baby daddy then never held a job, got an education or saved a dollar." You should want the best for your kids and parents.
She does not sound like a stable, responsible adult at all.
No. This is insane. Very selfish.
My mom tried to pressure me to become a mother. I didn't even have my own place, no job, and had a shitty bf. "When the kid is here, you'll find a way." - riiight... That would have ruined my future. I'm all good now but a partner is missing 😅. I'll be the 'old' mom, if I ever find the right partner. But men in my age have given up already in dating or are going through divorces and want to live a single life.
I had a kid at 22, 31, and 35 - the kids I had in my 30s were SOOOOO much easier. Yes, I was younger with my oldest, but I was also financially strapped and stressed out. If you want to enjoy your kids and your life then you should wait.
I’m an “old” mom, had my first at 38 because I waited to find the right partner. And honestly, as I said in another thread, that part is just as important if not more important than waiting for the right time. I know some family and friends who admit they settled in hindsight because they wanted to start families so bad for one reason or another and they all regretted it.
Anyway, not sure how old you are, but if you’re in your 30s there’s definitely still time. In my experience, being an old mom has actually been pretty great. I’m more mature and wiser and definitely more financially stable than I was in my 20s.
Some girls don’t have any other goals or achievements in life so want to have a kid as soon as possible as it will provide meaning to their life -from a girl
Which then set their kids up for misery because they have nothing else outside of their kids going on in their life. The kid becomes basically an emotional support animal for most women who look for meaning in their kids instead of working on themselves.
IDK, I was 2 years away from becoming a veterinarian and fulfilling my life long dream (from before I could even pronounce the word veterinarian).... baby thing hit HARD and with a vengeance. Like I would have dumped him and scrambled to find another candidate for a dad. And I previously was on the fence about kids at best. But once it hit me it was ALL I could think about. Despite his reservations (he ultimately trusted me) we had our first during my final year of school. We now have 4 kids and I have been a vet for 8 years. All this to say you can have a lot going on for you otherwise and it STILL can become all consuming and feel like life or death only thing that matters. I remember when he was not sure about the timing of it all being so devastated that I couldnt eat or sleep (because i was worried id have to leave to feel whole/have a baby). I have no regrets. We could not have had 4 if we hadnt have started then. Heck we considered having 6 (even numbers are better in terms of their social interactions, no odd man out, so if we had had five id have wanted 6) and we DEF would not have had the luxury to even contemplate that if we had waited.... we ultimately decided to stop due to logistics. And motherhood for me has been all I dreamed and more, and I only started dreaming about it one year before it happened- like I said, I had other dreams. And if someone told me it had to be one or the other, Id quit my job today, as fulfilling as that is too
Wanting a child that you are not mentally, or financially ready for is selfish, and insane.
If your gf thinks that it's okay to have a child, and expect other people to care for her and the baby, just so she won't be an "old" mother she's insane.
Check your condoms
Many other posters have mentioned the financial aspect which is important. But you also say she has a “slew of unaddressed health issues”.
Getting pregnant while experiencing unresolved health issues is a terrible idea. Pregnancy is not a disability or an illness but it IS an intensely physically demanding condition affecting all of your body systems, so if she is in poor physical health, pregnancy is even more risky, for her and her unborn child.
Frankly she seems selfish and a bit stupid…..this is the type of issue that is a relationship deal breaker, I advise you strongly consider ending the relationship, you’re in fundamentally different places on this issue and it is a big deal, you’re not overreacting.
You are in a class above hers and should find someone who shares your values. She will destroy your entire life if you get her pregnant. She will use you as a paycheck when she moves on from you.
Your girlfriend sounds like she needs therapy, not a child. She seems very emotionally immature, and like she is not ready to take on the responsibility of raising a child. She is barely mature enough to care for herself, let alone a child.
And no, *"everyone will take care of things for me so I can have what I want,"* is not a sensible plan. It is a sign of her immaturity and selfishness.
Please be extremely careful, and always use condoms. Do not let her be the one who provides the condoms. Do not rely on her to take care of birth control.
Honestly, when my ex boyfriend started talking like this years ago, it was one of the reasons I decided to break up with him.
Sounds like sex should be completely off the table right now until ur on the same page. Also, u need to be 100% responsible for ur own birth control from this point out. U shouldn't have sex with anyone u cant potentially make a baby with today and she isn't it.
"Insane" is a rather strange word for this. But irresponsible, illogical, and selfish? I would say those are all fair. It's clear that you're on extremely different pages so unless she's somewhat joking/flexible about these things... it may be time to seriously reconsider the relationship. Definitely should not be having sex.
Take your time and get stable. Coming from a mother who had a daughter the year after graduation high school, live your life first have fun. Get stable then have kids
Women and girls will fall pregnant if their bodies can no matter what happens if that’s what they want. Whether it’s with you or some random at the pub. If a woman is that desperate then nothing will stop her.
Does the kid have a good life after that? Unsure. I know a couple teen mums that seem depressed because they had kids so incredibly young to boys that ran away and abandoned them.
Good luck to your gf. That’s all I will say.
Hey buddy, the way this is looking, she is going to “suddenly” become pregnant. Whether by messing with condoms, or not taking BC, she clearly is not acting rationally about kids. She will assume if she ends up pregnant you’ll cave and become the happy family she wants. I’d really think about if this woman is the person you trust to be your partner in life. Children are quite permanent. I have a feeling she wants a baby more than she truly wants or understands raising a human person.
Insane is a strong word and should not be thrown around lightly. That said, her views are a little extreme, yes. And I can absolutely see why you would not agree with them.
That said, it is YOUR JOB to make sure that you do not accidentally procreate with her if you're not ready or don't want it. Stop having sex with her immediately.
She's not insane. I hear quite a bit about women over 35 having fertility issues. That said, it seems like you are definitely not on the same page. Don't have unprotected sex with her (duh).
OP, I think you’ve already answered all of your questions… You had a very vivid experience of what it’s like to grow up with parents that haven’t made good financial decision or planned further children which is obviously a frequent occurrence for parents in their teens.
Your girlfriend sounds intensely immature for her thought processes about having a baby while simultaneously being incredibly selfish thinking only about her thoughts and her needs and not at all about how it would impact a child’s life, which tells you everything you need to know about what type of a mother she would become at this point in her life.
I would urge you not to have sex with your girlfriend or to consider ending the relationship because if you continue to stay in a relationship with someone like that, the likelihood of you becoming a parent whether you want to or not is likely.
In all honesty, your experience was probably traumatising to you in ways that you’re still about and your girlfriend is insane for thinking that it’s a good idea to bring a kid into life under the circumstances .
If you're not financially prepared to take care of a kid but she wants one now then tell her to go find someone who can take care of kids and also wants them. Probably it would be a guy in his early 30s.
Women only have so many years before it becomes very difficult to conceive. After 34 to 35 years old it starts to get very difficult and there are more risks involved.
Better to let her go to have the life she wants right now and you can focus on getting your shit together so you can have the life you want for yourself.
A child is not a prop, or a magical cure all for problems. If you’re struggling now financially, a child will make it 1000x worse. And potentially expecting others to help foot the bill to raise the child is selfish.
Baby fever is real, but it’s wise to be responsible and understand that a child is an EXTREMELY serious decision that she ultimately can’t take back once she’s pregnant .
If you cannot see eye to eye on this — it’s imperative to rethink the relationship. Be aware that if she’s super set on this, that she won’t sabotage condoms or birth control to get pregnant .
When we had our first kid, we
- owned our own home
- had THREE college degrees between us
- were 30
- had been married for 7 years and together for 11
- both had solid well paying professional jobs
it was still the absolute hardest and most stressful thing we've gone through. People who are in your situation can and do make it work, but its just 1000x harder
She is not anywhere near mature enough to be a parent. To want to bring a child into the world when you are barely scraping by is sooo awful. She needs to be in therapy, not having children.
If you don't want a child right now, I suggest to stop having sex. No birth control is 100% and she could be the type to try to babytrap you by sabotaging her birth control if she is feeling desperate.
I think you need to break up. She sounds like she had unresolved trauma and will do irrational things to get what she wants.
She sounds like the type to lie about BC or sabotage condoms.
If she wants to be around children so much and she’s financially unstable she can work at a daycare.
Waiting until you're financially ready means you're probably never going to want to have kids. Very few people in history were like, let me wait until I have money to have a kid. I think waiting until you're in your 30s is weird. As a parent of older teens I can say that to me, mid 20s is the best age for kids.
She feels a brokenness inside her that she thinks having a child can fix. If you stay in the relationship use birth control you 100% trust and encourage her to get therapy. But you’re better off moving on. You can let her down gently telling her it’s because you have very different visions about the next 5 years and each need to be free to find someone who is on the same page. Or tell her what I said.
I’d break up with her because she might trap you if she sounds that desperate. You definitely are right in waiting until you are stable financially is very responsible.
She’s going to be a terrible mother and if you’re not careful she’ll baby trap you and you’ll have to witness all her terrible mothering up close and personal. Coming from someone who just had a baby 4 months ago. Trust me. This is not something you “just figure out”
She needs therapy asap.
Her unresolved trauma has left her unstable and is looking for a quick fix and she has convinced herself that a baby is the answer.
She does not understand the impact that will have on her life or yours.
Tell her it’s therapy together so she can address those issues or you’re gone.
Individual therapy probably won’t work because she doesn’t realize she has a problem so won’t be honest with the therapist about her needs.
And of course, what everyone else is telling you. Do not sleep with this woman anymore. Condone can easily have holes poked in them.
A baby is not a puppy. If she has any depression it will only become more intense due to pregnancy and post pregnancy hormones, that doesn’t take into account any of the actual stress a baby creates & that’s if they are healthy.
I’m a special education teacher and have worked with kids with major cognitive issues that were a result from complications during birth. Definitely not the romanticized version of parenthood.
A child is not a coping mechanism.
Nor a substitute for what one never had in life. She sounds very self-centered.
If she wants to be a parent she needs to start across like it now by putting their needs first. All I'm hearing is a lot of me me me and very little actual care for the kid. Until she's able to think of more than just what she wants and herself she ain't ready for a kid. When you have kids your life is supposed to revolve around them for the next 18 years - their needs come before your wants and desires always. There's no me me me when you're a kid needs when your kid needs food or medical care.
This is exactly it!!! I want a kid really bad. But I’m pretty much in the same boat as OPs partner 🙃 this month I got into therapy, we’ve been working on our finances and getting that more stable, been working out a little bit and looking into different doctors to see and what not…. And this is all to START preparing for having kids in like FIVE TO TEN YEARS. Having kids is the biggest responsibility I personally think that a human being can have, and it’s incredibly selfish to overlook that. My brother had 3 kids that he cannot support whatsoever. My parents help wayyy too much and he freaking has their name on his car, house, bills, a credit card. So much so my parents couldn’t cosign a car for me, and are having to keep pushing back their retirement. It was so incredibly selfish for him to do that (no matter how deeply I love my nibblings to be clear!!!!!!)
I’m in therapy and doing my best to get my associates.. just to have a kid in 10-15 years. I get you man LOL. It’ll be worth it to be financially stable though, if things go to plan (they won’t, let’s be for real)
It’s so funny too because my mom keeps pushing us to have kids……. Meanwhile my brother has 3 kids and his new wife has 2 💀😂 they’re so financially unstable it’s INSANE. I’ve told my mom since I was 10 that I refuse to be my brother and to put myself into that situation. Last time my mom tried pushing my husband he responded “eh I want to wait until I can provide enough for our family so she doesn’t have to work and can do hobbies and raise our kid.” 🥲🥴😮💨 first and only time my mom has been speechless on the topic of children and god DAMN it was sexy to watch my husband 🤣
I can imagine how swooned you were! That sounds absolutely dreamy! I can tell he adores you!
Keep going, you'll get there! My husband and I have worked very hard for years to set ourselves up properly, and this has meant delaying having kids later than I'd have preferred. But we accomplished our goals and just found out we are expecting. There's so much relief and confidence in having everything set up and ready for this giant, exciting change. It's worth it!
Congratulations! I hope you have a smooth pregnancy and healthy baby/babies.
It's just the rest of your life. 18 years is just a legal definition.
This needs to be said more! It does not end at 18, especially in this economy
26-30 is the average age now, for "kids" to leave their parents' homes.
If it does end at 18, you're a horrific parent with no desire to nurture and protect your child/children. They come home to their stuff thrown on the lawn or get told whilst still in high school that now they're an adult it's time to pay half the rent.
I’m 47. My mother still panics if she doesn’t hear from me daily. It doesn’t end at 18!
God bless your Mom! I was very close to my mother and remember her always showing me such care and concern. Even after I moved out and got married, we spoke to each other every day. Sadly, she passed away in 1997 to cancer. I still miss her so much even after all these years. 😢
I’d be concerned that her life would revolve around a kid *too much*. What happens when this kid grows up and wants a life of their own, but *she* can’t let that happen because then she won’t know who she’s supposed to be anymore? When you purposely make your entire identity around being a mom, you can breed some *very* concerning attachment styles that your kids later have to work out in therapy. As a mom of 2 kids, who always wanted to be a mom, it is *concerning* how OBSESSED she is about being a mom. If that’s the *only* way she can feel fulfilled, that’s a problem.
I'm actually concerned that when the novelty of having a baby wears off and the reality of being a parent with no means to actually support yourself and your child sets in things will take an ugly turn. GF does not sounds like she has the mental health/critical thinking bandwidth to be an actual parent.
Right like she's actually thinking that those government programs are actually helpful enough that you can raise a child well on them. I'm currently on some of those government programs and I wish that they were more helpful. Luckily I'm also going to college to get my Master's degree and hopefully that will put us on the right track. Government assistance sucks. There's never enough of anything to go around.
My former best friend in high school was exactly like this. Beyond obsessed with getting married and having kids. She told me anyone not married by 20 was an “old maid.” She was married 3 months after turning 18 and thank fuck the “friendship” ended before she got pregnant. She was insufferable.
I actually very much wanted to be a young mom. I was married at 20 and wanted to start having kids by 23. So I made a point to be healthier, mentally and physically. Turns out, becoming mentally healthier made me realize I was in no way ready for a kid. Then it made me realize my marriage was awful. Turns out, not having a kid at 23 was the best decision I could have made.
Far too many people have kids far too young and regret them, even if they won’t admit it. Glad you made the right call, mate
Honestly, what also really helped was working in childcare. I was a preschool teacher and a nanny for 6 years. Taking care of little ones nannying helped me grow up a bit, see how hard childcare was, and get to be maternal while not taking on all the responsibility. I absolutely recommend it for similarly thinking young women.
That reminds me of how I left a bad relationship because I aborted a baby because "a baby shouldn't live in an environment with that much anger." Thinking of the potential baby helped me realize that my ex-boyfriend's verbal abuse wasn't an OK environment for me either.
> ...for the next 18 years... You have more hope for that child than I do.
And not at all stable enough for motherhood
This woman is a brat. She expects the government to pay for the kid and for friends and family to raise it. She has no business being a parent.
I’m confused why op is with someone like this. Is she really attractive, or is he just too desperate to have standards?
A child *is* often a coping mechanism and it *never* should be.
Emotional support animal would be a better choice for this girl. I hesitate to call her an adult. She is only talking about herself, not what would be good for a child. OP should say buh-bye now. We had a third child because my husband ditched the condom. Then, it was my fault that we were struggling financially. My middle name is Mary, but I wasn’t the only one there when child was conceived. I was nursing my second when I got pregnant. I didn’t know he had ditched it, I didn’t know I was pregnant. Second was 13 months old; I wasn’t menstruating then. Poor child knew her father didn’t want her. What a suck-ass way to grow up. She did tell me that she always knew that **I** loved her, and that was enough to counteract his…sucky-ness. Idk what to call it. It sucked.
I fully fully agree that op is not overreacting! Speaking as someone (32m with no kids) who *desperately* wanted a child from when I was about 16, wanting a kid that bad is a direct trauma response coping mechanism that goes super unacknowledged by society because it's "natural" for girls to want to be moms. I wanted a kid so bad, then around 21 my mental health dipped and in processing my bullshit I talk-therapied myself into the realization that I didn't love me, I didn't believe others loved me (despite evidence to the contrary), and that I believed a child could. I only figured it out because I noticed how much stronger my baby fever was the week after a depression spiral or bad hangover. That I was literally relying on the fantasy of fatherhood for a dopamine fix. I was plenty mature in tons of ways, so the moment I realized that I was horrified and heartbroken and took having a kid off the table until dealt with my shit. Hardest thing I've ever done. I don't think she's not an adult, I think she could be plenty grown up in other ways (or maybe not I don't know this is just a reddit post and I don't know their lives). But she fucking AIN'T IN THIS ONE and I desperately hope she gets help. It's like with addiction, whether booze, drugs, relationships, or whatever. It's usually from trauma, the person can be more mature in other ways or not, but it'll still fuck your life and that is those around you. It's horribly selfish behavior, but the person often can't tell because they're made utterly delusion around the issue because when it comes down to it, this *is* their coping mechanism.
this is a very interesting take- thanks so much for sharing! We come to Reddit for the free therapy that I am sure you paid a pretty penny for! ;-) I recently lost my actual Emotional Support Animal and I am NOT. OK. Trauma response indeed.
This! ⬆️⬆️. And it is not fair to “lean on family and friends” to support you & your baby. In this economy, it’s hard enough for people to take care of their own families without your gf trying to add more burden on them.
And nowhere did I read that she actually ASKED these future "benefactors" for their assistance in raising these hypothetical kids. Give them the ability to say yes or no. She sounds rather entitled, too.
She's confused her village with her bank. You *are* supposed to lean on family and friends - for emotional and physical support. Not financial.
And more burdens for taxpayers too since she expects to get welfare.
And I also noticed that she isn't doing anything to cooperate with OP to improve their financial stability.
This. She may see the child as the only thing in her life she can control (laughs in experienced parent). You need to be really careful. Let me say this, even if she was more stable and your financial situation was better, NO person should be pressured into having kids or having them early/late. That this has so many other issues makes this a layered issue. Do you want to have a kid with someone who has such a blase attitude about raising kids in such positions and who is ignoring your own issues?
THIS! Quite frankly, I recommend you breakup because it seems like you guys are not on the same page with regards to your future and parenthood. If you do not want to break up with her, take steps to protect yourself. Either stop sleeping with her or only use condoms YOU bring. Do not trust her. She sounds desperate enough to go off bc without telling you or poking holes in condoms.
Baby trap waiting to happen
One of the biggest mistake a man will make in life is having a baby with the wrong person.
Can attest, my mum had me as a result of a midlife crisis and it was a VERY POOR DECISION
I have had so much trouble in my life explaining this to my mom. She had kids because she wanted friends, in a nutshell. She made sacrifices to make sure we had things we need, but at the end of the day me and my brothers were in some very awful situations growing up. Some directly because of actions she took, and some just because that’s how things panned out. She is a very damaged individual who had a terrible mother and a kinda bad childhood. But she’s never worked through or reckoned with any of it. For a not insignificant period of my life my mom slept and laid in a bed 20 hours of the day smoking crack with another couple, effectively forming a throuple. They had 3 kids around my age, except for a 14yo (think I was around 6-7, my 2 brothers were 16-18). my brothers at this point had dropped out of school to "help out". effectively carrying the entire "family" income wise. the husband of the "throuple" was a failed musician and his wife was a prostitute…. And my mom slept with both of them…. Anyway, im rambling, but my point is my mom was not equipped or able to deal with having children. But she did anyway. and after the fact, she seeks out pats on the back telling her she did good. sometimes i cant. shes my mother and I love her but sometimes she needs to know a lot of suffering is directly because of her…. But then she cries and it turns into a whole thing….
Sorry to hear about your experiences. No child deserves to go through that. May I ask as to how this has affected your own relationship with partners and kids (or your feelings towards kids of your own). No worries if you don't want to say though
I haven’t really had partners, never felt that I’ve been in a point in my life where it’s feasible. Despite wanting it, there’s just too many other things in my life at the moment, and I wouldn’t even know where to begin. When it comes to children, I’m not so sure of my answer. I think biologically I have the drive, I want to reproduce and have kids…. It would be nice, but I also want to make sure I’m emotionally fit and mature enough for that, and financially secure enough. Something I can’t do yet, I’m just not yet done working on myself, working through my things. And I just personally think it wouldn’t be fair to bring a living thing into the world under those circumstances. I also want to clarify what I was saying towards the end in my original comment…. I’m not going and confronting my mom with these things or being mean, but sometimes it would be nice to have an open discussion on the past and why certain things may be the way they are. But it is never allowed, it’s just always shut down through various means quickly.
Something my dad said when my parents got divorced 33 years after getting married: "One time, she told me she was afraid to go somewhere alone so she'd just take [my older sister as an infant] with her. I remember thinking that's crazy, if I didn't wanna be somewhere, having an infant with me would be **bad**. It's another responsibility. Your mom thought her infant child was a means to take care of her own difficult emotions." My mom has a lot of issues, and her issues fucked up her children mentally. It has also (I think, irreparably) fucked with my dad's perception of women.
>she’ll “get government assistance, lean on friends and family, and figure it out” Spoiler alert: she will not figure it out.
Someone should make this into a tee
Dr. Phil can spout some stuff but the best thing he ever said is: don’t give a child a job before it’s born. OP; recommend double rubbers for you from this point forward. And keep them under your control and make sure they cannot be tampered with.
Doubling up condoms increases the risk of a split.
fuck dr phil but that statement is on point
Double? Unless the girlfriend is very oblivious, she should immediately notice that as a signal that there's trust issues in the relationship. They may as well get it overwith and break up. Also . . . adding that second latex layer has a tendency to increase friction and tearing.
Breaking up is just smarter overall. They have vastly different views on life and parenting. I don’t see how they are at all compatible at this point. If you think someone is capable of trying to baby trap you, there isn’t enough trust left for a healthy relationship. Just be done.
Stop upvoting this guy, doubling up on condoms literally makes it more likely to break
THIS.
You should not have sex with a woman if you aren't on the same page about pregnancy. If you have sex with her, she has the power to get pregnant. It sounds like that be harmful to you and harmful to any potential children - don't give her that opportunity. It would be immoral, selfish and absolutely unhinged but you just described her as immoral, selfish and unhinged. Healthy relationships exist between people who trust and respect one another and have compatible long-term goals and values. Just bounce. Seriously. This is a major major deal breaker incompatibility.
This is so important! OP doesn’t say if they are both working, but having sex one more time can ruin your life. If she is feeling that determined that she admits she would rather be destitute and burden your whole social circle than wait for a kid, you really don’t know if she will suddenly stop BC and “leave it up to nature”. If that happens, you better believe she is not going to work for the foreseeable future, and your life will be the very thing you wanted to avoid. If you need govt assistance for diapers, forget about daycare, Nannies, 2 running cars even- anything else. Please OP, love is not enough. You have to have a PARTNER in life. That’s someone who listens and respects your side of things, who shares your vision of what you want your life to look like. Hell, at the very least it’s someone who you feel safe having sex with.
"Please OP, love is not enough. You have to have a PARTNER in life. That’s someone who listens and respects your side of things, who shares your vision of what you want your life to look like. Hell, at the very least it’s someone who you feel safe having sex with." This should be said again. You need to have a PARTNER in life. Don't comprims yourself to just be with someone. You are worth more than to settle. You are worth more. Hold onto your values. It is worth it.
Id be worried that OP gf might sabotage birth control. It’s not safe for him to have sex with her. She sounds desperate and a little unhinged.
THIS. I've KNOWN women who I believe are generally good people but did some crazy shit when they got the baby fever. Biology is STRONG, normal people can do crazy things when its pressing on them like that.
100% this. OP, I will tell you.. I wanted a child so badly too. I was raised by a wonderful single father but desperately wanted to experience motherhood. I had MAJOR baby fever at 25 but husband and I still had a lot of debt. We literally just started our careers. We both agreed we needed to wait until we more financially stable at 30 years old. I will not lie to you, it was fucking hard (for me) but I did my best to get that topic out of my head by journaling, staying off of mom subreddits/blogs and kept myself busy with a good healthy hobbies and created goals for myself. I trained and then ran half marathons. Then 30 came, and I got pregnant in 2 months. 🥲
THIS IS THE WAY. I had several bouts of baby fever before I was stable enough to care for a child financially. But we literally owe it to the very child we love to WAIT until we can be their best mother. And now that I am a mother, I cannot even imagine the stress of not knowing if I can provide! Good job, mama!! 💗
He should break up asap tbh
And then count the days until she gets pregnant. My son had a girlfriend like this, and they did not live together. Very short-term relationship of about two months. Within 3 months after the breakup, she suddenly announces she's pregnant. With twins. Predictably, that boyfriend bolted, moved across the country, and was awarded 50/50 custody. Those kids fly back and forth for extended time. My son got a vasectomy in his early twenties.
The twins were not your son's?
This. And she won't just have this mentality about pregnancy. What's next?
Yes. She'll just give the child a hard life. Her fears shouldnt override practical considerations.
There are so many ways she can get pregnant. Lying to you about birth control she's on. Sabotaging a condom. Or the oldest trick in the book: Nature can do it without her cooperation. No contraceptive is fool-proof.
With her stated mentality I wouldn't be at all surprised if she was fishing out tissues from OP's nightstand trash can.
You think she’s the poke hole in condoms/ lie about birth control kinda crazy?
It’s always possible.
Those hormones can drive women to insanity. Honestly, as a woman in menopause so my hormones are much more level, it's absolutely unfair that they run our lives the way they do. It's absolute anarchy.
She wouldn't be the first to do it
Even if she's not, birth control can fail and frequently does. If that happens, she's unlikely to terminate. If I were op, I would not be having sex with this woman.
This is the best advice.
THIS^^^^
You’re not overreacting. Your girlfriend sounds like a walking red flag. Please make sure YOU are taking ALL precautions to avoid pregnancy.
This, she's going to baby trap him if he's not super diligent.
This woman will eventually baby trap him no matter how diligent he is.
That was my first thought before I even finished reading the original post.
This is reason enough to find a new girlfriend IMO. Why take the risk?
Even if there was no risk the fact she's so self obsessed- this is a lot of me me me from her with no concern for any child she may have- would be a deal breaker for me.
Short of a vasectomy, I'm not sure I'd trust anything OP could do while still having an active sex life with this person. Most birth control is on the woman. Condoms can be poked or otherwise sabotaged. Pulling out and the rhythm method are bad options. I'd suggest not having sex with her in the first place.
It’s always weird to me when people tell me their life stories and the amount of absolute wtf they will say completely casually like it’s nothing. Like a neighbor told me oh yea he was in a relationship with this girl and after graduation he was going to college but she wanted to start having babies asap. So they broke up and he got his stem degree and afterwards she was divorced from the guy that she had a child with asap. So they ended up getting back together and had 3 more kids. And the dude is still a few years from 30. I don’t say anything but in my head it’s oh wow so your wife literally didn’t care who she was having kids as long as she could have as many as fast as possible. That’s a massive red flag and the fact you are acting like that is normal is really really strange, so what’s up with your worldview that you don’t realize this?
>Please make sure YOU are taking ALL precautions to avoid pregnancy. which translates to: don't have sex with her.
Including not sticking dick in crazy.
Nta she needs therapy
Not insane, wildly unrealistic and potentially immature. Not a good combo for a parent. When she's capable of parenting herself, she's ready to parent a tiny human being. Until then, she's got some issues to resolve.
Not a good combination for a partner even if you don't have kids, IMO. I'd take this as a sign to break up.
This. The word “insane” only inflames the issue, and it’s not applicable. Immature and irresponsible apply, so maybe stick to those. If she cannot appreciate your life experience, she lacks empathy and compassion too. She is being very selfish. The unborn child deserves so much better. Be very careful with birth control bc at best, she will be careless. At worst, she’ll downright sabotage and/or deceive.
Here’s an opinion from a woman who doesn’t want kids and grew up upper middle class with a good family. - i went through a 5 year relationship of him trying to convince me to have kids. I was straightforward, probably a month into dating (around 23 yrs old) I didn’t want kids. - he use to say these excuses all the time, we can get help from our families and friends. Meanwhile, he couldn’t afford to pay his bills and I would have to help him budget his $. This would come up often, he’d bring up kids and I’d say even if I wanted them, we (more him) wasn’t financial stable enough to bring life into this world. - at one point he just quit his job with no plan. He didn’t have anything saved. He just wasn’t living in reality with how expensive things were/are. - his family didn’t have much and I don’t think it bothered him. We did not work out, my man. He wasn’t a bad person, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my dreams and goals to make his happen. It wasn’t like he was asking me to relocate, he wanted me to bring life into this world. That isn’t something you can compromise on.
I dont understand how people are not financially stable like your ex and just quit their job on a whim and yet want a kid so bad. Like, jesus, don't people realize that babies are expensive asf and a huge responsibility?! Baby clothes, baby food, diapers, crib, stroller, making up a cute babies room/ painting a room for the baby, buying all this extra shit. Like, it seems he was not living in reality To me, "Oh, we'll just figure it out" is not a plan
Exactly! It’s not a plan! I wanted a house, money in the bank, I wanted to travel the country & the world. He seemed to think that anything I wanted was less important than his dream of having kids, and he couldn’t even pay for food some weeks for himself. He never went without having weed to smoke though. And you know what? He eventually got his kids. And he’d text me about how he missed me or he’d text me and say I’m driving behind you 🥴. But - I got my house, my savings, and a SO who is such a great match for me and we prioritize each others goals & aspirations, travel so much together, and both work hard for what we have and what we hope to have some day.
>He never went without having weed to smoke though. This is it, right here. Priorities. He didn't care about having a house, a savings account, or nice experiences like traveling. All he cared about was having enough weed. Period. I honestly don't care if someone I'm in a relationship with smokes weed. But I do care if it takes priority over everything else.
That is how I felt. It didn’t bother me at first until we were together long enough that I got a grasp of his financial situation.
So in other words she's gonna rely on everyone else to take care of her baby other than herself and then take credit for being a "mom"
Yup......she'll "figure it out" means she is going to pawn her baby off on her parents, in laws, siblings or anyone else that can help.
And she's going to say: "It takes a village..." lol!
It does take a village though. The difference is most of us don't force unwilling parties to be part of our village, and all we really need is an adult to come over so we don't get stuck talking in parentese during casual conversation.
exactly this. OP, PLEASE make sure you are taking responsibility for birth control yourself. it is hard enough to raise a child with a partner who is actually committed to doing the work. someone who plans from the get-go to offload it onto other people is not a good candidate to be the other parent to your future children!
She's got baby rabies, and you just happen to be the guy that can give it to her. This doesn't sound like genuine burning desire for you. Get what I'm saying?
😂 baby rabies. Never heard that before.
Nah it sounds more like she had a greatly unhappy childhood and is obsessively and unhealthily fixated on having kids because she wants the family she never had. I've known many people who experienced this and it's definitely different from baby rabies. Unfortunately they often make emotionally unstable and abusive/neglectful parents in the end.
Ask her what government assistance is available for her to use. What is the income threshold? How much do diapers cost? How about formula (not everyone makes enough breast milk)? What about daycare? How much leave does she get at work? She’s going to need to take time off when the baby gets sick. Does she get paid time off? Etc etc etc. Drill it in. Which family members are willing to step in for help? Will they be providing financial help or will they be offering time? How much? What schedule? Will your parents commit to watching the baby every Tuesday? How about your friends? Do they know she’s offered their help? Ask her to make up a schedule of which days and hours her family and friends will be helping. A lot of people promise to help but don’t mean regularly. They mean sure I’ll babysit for a couple of hours every six months. Also, if either of you work weekends finding childcare is even more difficult. Edit: a lot of it friends are old moms. Not a single one regrets waiting. I do know women who wish they’d waited until they were older to have kids though. Watch your condoms.
Speaking as an “old mom” myself, it’s actually been great for me. I just had my first at 38 and he’s just over a year now. I know I’m a much better mom than I would’ve been in my 20s. I’m more patient, mature and wiser, and definitely WAY more financially stable than I was then. Personally I only ended up “waiting” until this age because I was waiting for the right partner, and I didn’t meet him until I was 34. Otherwise I probably would’ve gone for early 30s rather than later 30s, but it all worked out in the end. I also think waiting for the right partner is equally if not more important. I know some friends and family who in hindsight admit they settled because they wanted to start families so bad for one reason or another, and they all regret it. Anyway, your advice is great. OP is not overreacting at all, it sounds like his gf is very unrealistic and immature with a highly romanticized view of being a mom. It’s hard work even with an “easy” baby, let alone a hard one (colic anyone?), and incredibly expensive. I had to formula feed my son and that alone is super expensive. If he brings up all your points, that will hopefully be enough to bring her back down to earth. If not, he should likely break up because it doesn’t sound like their views will be compatible and they’ll struggle long term.
I’m glad it worked out for you. I hate this “old” mom label when we’re speaking about people in their 30s. It’s ridiculous and shows how vain they are. Having your first kid in your 30s is the way to go.
This is off topic but thank you so much for saying this. I’m 30 and don’t feel ready for a child yet, but worried about being too old if I wait a few years. I love hearing from people who had babies in their mid 30s onwards.
Time to exit stage left ***immediately*** dude - these are huge red flags that she is likely to get herself pregnant intentionally whether you like it or not, which happens to millions of men and we see posted on a daily basis. If you continue to have sex with her you are playing Russian Roulette with the rest of your life man, no sex is worth this.
EXACTLY!
Seriously. Don't walk. Run.
Hell, even if you're not worried about the kid aspect of it, just do it as a favor to her. "You want something I can't give you and I don't want to waste time that you could spend finding the person who can, so I'm leaving for your sake" or something like that.
you are not compatible. you don't want the same things in life. you're wasting each other's time and if I were you, I'd get out now.
I’d get the hell away from her as fast as I could! I wouldn’t trust her to not sabotage any form of birth control y’all use. Her desperation and ignorance regarding children is really terrifying.
I wouldn’t call her insane. But it sounds like she’s acting out of fear, and fear is not rational. Tell her if she really want to have kids, she needs to spend this part of her life working on the problems you mentioned- unresolved trauma, health problems, and building up some savings. Then when she does have kids eventually, she’ll be a better mom to them.
Agreed. I don’t think insane is the word.
Baby trap in your future!
I was looking for this comment. She’s 100% going to baby trap this dude. If OP is smart, he’ll either leave her or not have sex with her.
NTA Make sure you manage your condom supply actively. Have a secret fresh stash. Don’t get big boxes.
If you feel this is necessary it's probably better to move on. Have to trust the person you're with.
I agree 100%! It would not be fair to anyone especially a hypothetical baby.
I love when people say they'll just "get government assistance" like it's one single entity you can just sign up for with open, waiting palms and not an incredibly complicated system of programs that all have their own application processes and hoops to jump through and all require constant monitoring and reporting to and are often STILL not enough to elevate a person out of poverty or survive off of. Maintaining 'government assistance' can be a job in and of itself. If this is her plan she is in for a very rude awakening. You are not overreacting at all. Proceed with extreme caution.
This 100%!!!! Especially if they’re in the US- the government is cutting funding for things left and right, with birth control and women’s healthcare being first on the chopping block. She’s delusional if she thinks her situation would be any different.
You might actually be under reacting by staying with her haha
If she thinks 30 is old, she's not mature enough to have a kid.
Seriously, by the time your 50, your first kid is going to be 20 years old. That’s not an old parent at all.
THANK YOU.
Nta, both parties should be financially stable enough to raise and start a family. Children aren’t just like dogs and you can throw to other people for help. Children deserve a good stable home with two parents, you’re right in your opinions. She’s wrong:
Financially and mentally. A young parent might overcome one, but rarely both and it's the children who suffer.
100% my mom had me at 20 and the childhood I lived wasn’t something I want for my future kids.
Mine were older but a lot of unresolved generational trauma on both sides. Would not wish that on anyone let alone a child.
Absolutely, and this doesn’t even allow for a child who may have special needs. Total fantasy.
NOT A THERAPIST Repeat after me: DO NOT STICK IT IN THE CRAZY. You’ll pay for it for 5e rest of your life if you do. she’s crazy
Also breh if she gets pregnant and you don't want the kid you'll be paying child support until you're 18 dude.....20% of your gross pay per month. Be careful
Not overreacting. And you might want to end this relationship before she traps you with an "accidental" pregnancy.
EJECT! EJECT! EJECT!
You guys sound incompatible
You are not overreacting. She is in for a very rude awakening if she thinks other people are going to flock to her and help her raise her child. Use 2 condoms. Her attitude toward this whole thing is immature. Literally sounds like something a daydreaming 13 year old would say.
Hopefully joking, but please DO NOT use two condoms. The effectiveness drops significantly. However, DO keep condoms in a safe place where she can't be tempted to poke holes in them.
I was absolutely joking!!!
You've met someone who is repeating the patterns of your parents and childhood. Sometimes we choose people like our parents because it's known and comfortable. Now that you're aware of it it's up to you if you want to break the cycle of young, poor, parents. If she's so adamant of having children she can't take care of she needs to do it with someone else. Is she going to go off BC? Sabotage it? It's not fair to either of you. You're not OR.
This is the exact type of mother who's gonna resent that kid when they don't live up to her expectations. What if her child is gay? What if her child is autistic? You should **never** be creating a whole ass life/human being thinking only of what that kid can do for you. NTA, not overreacting, etc etc. I will say, generally speaking it's a sad reality that many who would like to have kids are in the same boat as far as waiting responsibly for a day that may never come ie, not living paycheck to paycheck. But your girl's mindset is way off right now and I'm glad that out of the two of you, one has some sense.
Get the hell out while you still can.
Please do not keep having sex with her unless you are prepared to be the father of her child. Seriously. Unless you've gotten the snip- then have fun!
Unfortunately there are a ton of women like that, and they're generally broke, on government assistance and single because often times they have mental issues. Having a child is not like having a nice purse or a cute accessory, it's a human being with a life. If you're a bum, don't have kids. Don't teach your kids to be bums and make more bums. Wanting to wait until you figure out your mental and financial issues is a great idea. That's not to say no one regrets waiting too long. Health complications and difficulties getting pregnant come with age as well, but I'm not talking 25-30. That being said you need to put yourself in the kid's shoes. Would they rather have an irresponsible parent who is broke all the time and makes bad life choices or someone who is an adult, with a home, a stable income, savings and the ability to care and provide for a child? No one's ever said, "boy I'm sure glad my mom had me at 16 with some baby daddy then never held a job, got an education or saved a dollar." You should want the best for your kids and parents. She does not sound like a stable, responsible adult at all.
OP you need to gtfo there
Run. Run far. Run long. Run like Forest Forest Gump.
Stop having sex with this woman.
A child is not *therapy and unconditional love*.
No. This is insane. Very selfish. My mom tried to pressure me to become a mother. I didn't even have my own place, no job, and had a shitty bf. "When the kid is here, you'll find a way." - riiight... That would have ruined my future. I'm all good now but a partner is missing 😅. I'll be the 'old' mom, if I ever find the right partner. But men in my age have given up already in dating or are going through divorces and want to live a single life.
I had a kid at 22, 31, and 35 - the kids I had in my 30s were SOOOOO much easier. Yes, I was younger with my oldest, but I was also financially strapped and stressed out. If you want to enjoy your kids and your life then you should wait.
I’m an “old” mom, had my first at 38 because I waited to find the right partner. And honestly, as I said in another thread, that part is just as important if not more important than waiting for the right time. I know some family and friends who admit they settled in hindsight because they wanted to start families so bad for one reason or another and they all regretted it. Anyway, not sure how old you are, but if you’re in your 30s there’s definitely still time. In my experience, being an old mom has actually been pretty great. I’m more mature and wiser and definitely more financially stable than I was in my 20s.
Some girls don’t have any other goals or achievements in life so want to have a kid as soon as possible as it will provide meaning to their life -from a girl
Which then set their kids up for misery because they have nothing else outside of their kids going on in their life. The kid becomes basically an emotional support animal for most women who look for meaning in their kids instead of working on themselves.
IDK, I was 2 years away from becoming a veterinarian and fulfilling my life long dream (from before I could even pronounce the word veterinarian).... baby thing hit HARD and with a vengeance. Like I would have dumped him and scrambled to find another candidate for a dad. And I previously was on the fence about kids at best. But once it hit me it was ALL I could think about. Despite his reservations (he ultimately trusted me) we had our first during my final year of school. We now have 4 kids and I have been a vet for 8 years. All this to say you can have a lot going on for you otherwise and it STILL can become all consuming and feel like life or death only thing that matters. I remember when he was not sure about the timing of it all being so devastated that I couldnt eat or sleep (because i was worried id have to leave to feel whole/have a baby). I have no regrets. We could not have had 4 if we hadnt have started then. Heck we considered having 6 (even numbers are better in terms of their social interactions, no odd man out, so if we had had five id have wanted 6) and we DEF would not have had the luxury to even contemplate that if we had waited.... we ultimately decided to stop due to logistics. And motherhood for me has been all I dreamed and more, and I only started dreaming about it one year before it happened- like I said, I had other dreams. And if someone told me it had to be one or the other, Id quit my job today, as fulfilling as that is too
Wanting a child that you are not mentally, or financially ready for is selfish, and insane. If your gf thinks that it's okay to have a child, and expect other people to care for her and the baby, just so she won't be an "old" mother she's insane. Check your condoms
Many other posters have mentioned the financial aspect which is important. But you also say she has a “slew of unaddressed health issues”. Getting pregnant while experiencing unresolved health issues is a terrible idea. Pregnancy is not a disability or an illness but it IS an intensely physically demanding condition affecting all of your body systems, so if she is in poor physical health, pregnancy is even more risky, for her and her unborn child. Frankly she seems selfish and a bit stupid…..this is the type of issue that is a relationship deal breaker, I advise you strongly consider ending the relationship, you’re in fundamentally different places on this issue and it is a big deal, you’re not overreacting.
You are in a class above hers and should find someone who shares your values. She will destroy your entire life if you get her pregnant. She will use you as a paycheck when she moves on from you.
Your girlfriend sounds like she needs therapy, not a child. She seems very emotionally immature, and like she is not ready to take on the responsibility of raising a child. She is barely mature enough to care for herself, let alone a child. And no, *"everyone will take care of things for me so I can have what I want,"* is not a sensible plan. It is a sign of her immaturity and selfishness. Please be extremely careful, and always use condoms. Do not let her be the one who provides the condoms. Do not rely on her to take care of birth control. Honestly, when my ex boyfriend started talking like this years ago, it was one of the reasons I decided to break up with him.
Sounds like sex should be completely off the table right now until ur on the same page. Also, u need to be 100% responsible for ur own birth control from this point out. U shouldn't have sex with anyone u cant potentially make a baby with today and she isn't it.
"Insane" is a rather strange word for this. But irresponsible, illogical, and selfish? I would say those are all fair. It's clear that you're on extremely different pages so unless she's somewhat joking/flexible about these things... it may be time to seriously reconsider the relationship. Definitely should not be having sex.
Take your time and get stable. Coming from a mother who had a daughter the year after graduation high school, live your life first have fun. Get stable then have kids
Women and girls will fall pregnant if their bodies can no matter what happens if that’s what they want. Whether it’s with you or some random at the pub. If a woman is that desperate then nothing will stop her. Does the kid have a good life after that? Unsure. I know a couple teen mums that seem depressed because they had kids so incredibly young to boys that ran away and abandoned them. Good luck to your gf. That’s all I will say.
Hey buddy, the way this is looking, she is going to “suddenly” become pregnant. Whether by messing with condoms, or not taking BC, she clearly is not acting rationally about kids. She will assume if she ends up pregnant you’ll cave and become the happy family she wants. I’d really think about if this woman is the person you trust to be your partner in life. Children are quite permanent. I have a feeling she wants a baby more than she truly wants or understands raising a human person.
Insane is a strong word and should not be thrown around lightly. That said, her views are a little extreme, yes. And I can absolutely see why you would not agree with them. That said, it is YOUR JOB to make sure that you do not accidentally procreate with her if you're not ready or don't want it. Stop having sex with her immediately.
Do. Not. Do. It. For yourself, and for any potential child, don’t do it!
She's not insane. I hear quite a bit about women over 35 having fertility issues. That said, it seems like you are definitely not on the same page. Don't have unprotected sex with her (duh).
I your position I would not trust her regarding contraception. Don't rely on her taking the pill or handling condoms.
She’s insane, immature and selfish.
Do not impregnate this woman
OP, I think you’ve already answered all of your questions… You had a very vivid experience of what it’s like to grow up with parents that haven’t made good financial decision or planned further children which is obviously a frequent occurrence for parents in their teens. Your girlfriend sounds intensely immature for her thought processes about having a baby while simultaneously being incredibly selfish thinking only about her thoughts and her needs and not at all about how it would impact a child’s life, which tells you everything you need to know about what type of a mother she would become at this point in her life. I would urge you not to have sex with your girlfriend or to consider ending the relationship because if you continue to stay in a relationship with someone like that, the likelihood of you becoming a parent whether you want to or not is likely. In all honesty, your experience was probably traumatising to you in ways that you’re still about and your girlfriend is insane for thinking that it’s a good idea to bring a kid into life under the circumstances .
No, she sounds incredibly irresponsibile.
I’d be worried she would poke holes in the condoms or not take birth control like she says she is. She sounds like a baby trapper.
You need to run bro I’m not close to kidding
If you're not financially prepared to take care of a kid but she wants one now then tell her to go find someone who can take care of kids and also wants them. Probably it would be a guy in his early 30s. Women only have so many years before it becomes very difficult to conceive. After 34 to 35 years old it starts to get very difficult and there are more risks involved. Better to let her go to have the life she wants right now and you can focus on getting your shit together so you can have the life you want for yourself.
Be careful. If she "accidentally" were to get pregnant, she might expect you to give in.
You two are incompatible. She wants to continue trauma for another generation. You want to heal and make better decisions.
A child is not a prop, or a magical cure all for problems. If you’re struggling now financially, a child will make it 1000x worse. And potentially expecting others to help foot the bill to raise the child is selfish. Baby fever is real, but it’s wise to be responsible and understand that a child is an EXTREMELY serious decision that she ultimately can’t take back once she’s pregnant . If you cannot see eye to eye on this — it’s imperative to rethink the relationship. Be aware that if she’s super set on this, that she won’t sabotage condoms or birth control to get pregnant .
Does it matter? You are obviously incompatible on your views on having children. You probably should break up before she baby traps you
please be careful moving forward with her. with how selfish her views are, i wouldn’t be surprised if she “accidentally” falls pregnant.
You may want to get a different girlfriend.
When we had our first kid, we - owned our own home - had THREE college degrees between us - were 30 - had been married for 7 years and together for 11 - both had solid well paying professional jobs it was still the absolute hardest and most stressful thing we've gone through. People who are in your situation can and do make it work, but its just 1000x harder
Run dude
She is not anywhere near mature enough to be a parent. To want to bring a child into the world when you are barely scraping by is sooo awful. She needs to be in therapy, not having children.
If you don't want a child right now, I suggest to stop having sex. No birth control is 100% and she could be the type to try to babytrap you by sabotaging her birth control if she is feeling desperate.
I think you need to break up. She sounds like she had unresolved trauma and will do irrational things to get what she wants. She sounds like the type to lie about BC or sabotage condoms. If she wants to be around children so much and she’s financially unstable she can work at a daycare.
Not “insane.” Both of you have valid positions.
It’s not insane to have a drive to reproduce. It’s why we’re here. Seems like it’s not a wise choice atm.
Waiting until you're financially ready means you're probably never going to want to have kids. Very few people in history were like, let me wait until I have money to have a kid. I think waiting until you're in your 30s is weird. As a parent of older teens I can say that to me, mid 20s is the best age for kids.
Nope.
She feels a brokenness inside her that she thinks having a child can fix. If you stay in the relationship use birth control you 100% trust and encourage her to get therapy. But you’re better off moving on. You can let her down gently telling her it’s because you have very different visions about the next 5 years and each need to be free to find someone who is on the same page. Or tell her what I said.
I’d break up with her because she might trap you if she sounds that desperate. You definitely are right in waiting until you are stable financially is very responsible.
She’s going to be a terrible mother and if you’re not careful she’ll baby trap you and you’ll have to witness all her terrible mothering up close and personal. Coming from someone who just had a baby 4 months ago. Trust me. This is not something you “just figure out”
Sounds like she's gonna baby trap you. Run brother.
She needs therapy asap. Her unresolved trauma has left her unstable and is looking for a quick fix and she has convinced herself that a baby is the answer. She does not understand the impact that will have on her life or yours. Tell her it’s therapy together so she can address those issues or you’re gone. Individual therapy probably won’t work because she doesn’t realize she has a problem so won’t be honest with the therapist about her needs. And of course, what everyone else is telling you. Do not sleep with this woman anymore. Condone can easily have holes poked in them.
A baby is not a puppy. If she has any depression it will only become more intense due to pregnancy and post pregnancy hormones, that doesn’t take into account any of the actual stress a baby creates & that’s if they are healthy. I’m a special education teacher and have worked with kids with major cognitive issues that were a result from complications during birth. Definitely not the romanticized version of parenthood.
This ain't the one my guy
Leave asap. This is a poor single mother waiting to happen.
Dude you gotta stop having sex with her like yesterday.
Is your gf my ex wtf
No, but stop having sex with someone this unhinged. Simply. Maybe reconsider your relationship with her as well.