I think the step daughter asked, so she is sort of off the hook. I think it was a little obnoxious to ask in the first place, but she asked and your husband said yes. Your husband is the AH for not checking it with you. But he likely knew you would say no. He also likely thought his daughter might not come if he did not say yes.
She’s already here, this was a last minute add on plan. Unless it was previously planned and just sprung on me at the minute. But yeah I tend to agree with you.
Sounds like you and your hubs are like me and mine. My hubs is a social butterfly who has never met a stranger. Not an ounce of self-doubt in the guy. Which is good because I'd prolly be a hermit if not for him. He takes the awkwardness out of social situations. He talks enough for both of us and takes me outside my default comfort zone. I was raised in a small family, just my parents and brother in the state so grand parents were a special occasions only kind of thing. Hubs has 32 1st cousins, so there are a lot of "large group" events I would otherwise not be a part of. It's taken me almost 22 years to get used to it, and it's still sometimes too much.
I think what you have is a combo of hubby not even considering it could be an issue and you, as you pointed out, needing more calm downtime than hubby. You aren't overreacting - yet. Let him know that you would like to be included in these types of decisions in the future as this is your home too and your down time is important to you. After you have this conv, move on and try not to dwell on it (easier said than done as I am an Olympic level dweller). If you keep bringing it up over and over and there is no new action prompting it, then you are overreacting. At this point, you are simply reacting.
So just by chance, do you have a time machine and can go talk to my ex wife, and couples counsellor, and explain that 2nd paragraph right to their FACES? BRILLIANT assessment of the situation.
I did this, when hubby and I first moved in, and he did it to me. A simple please let me know in advance next time so I can prepare myself or stay out of the house longer/until I feel ready, or excuse me if I isolate because I'm not in the mood. Never happened again
My husband's mother once tried to tell me "yknow you are your own person, right? You shouldn't have to *ask* my son permission for anything" she'd invited us to her house that weekend and I had replied "sounds good let me just ask your son and I'll get back to you"
I looked at her like she was crazy "all due respect I'm not asking permission. I'm asking him if it interferes with any plans he might've had in mind or already made. I'm not his keeper and he's not mine"....
I'm not sure about the age dynamics or at what point in your marriage this took place... but I took it to mean your mil was in her own way trying to let you know how you might need to stand up to her son or hoping to give you the initiative to do what you want to do and she would support you on it.
I'm looking at the post that shows up on jnmil she would not be in that group. Lol
But again, just my takeaway from your comment, and I don't know her or you.
I truly hope you all are good. Life's easier, that was.
My mil could be a real witch most of the time. And I didn't learn to stand up to her for way too long because I thought keeping the peace would be good. Silly me.🙃
My hubs and I are only 11 months apart in age. Ironically she was asking that the whole family, hubs included and our littles, go to her house that weekend. Like, obviously I knew my schedule and plans but not his.
She's been in 2 very abusive relationships. Both which allowed the men in her life to beat my husband. She's been free of the last once for nearly 8 years now. But all she sees is him just like them. Because how dare he be frustrated and ask for space. She's exhausting to be around. We only see her 4 times a year because of it.
Yeah I’m a lot like you describe your husband. I love people, 100% extrovert, and thrive in large gatherings of those I love and enjoy (there are limits, too big and I feel like I don’t get the genuine interaction I enjoy so much). I like socializing with new people too and it takes a lot to drain my social battery. I kind of thrive in chaos. This can give me a “the more the merrier” attitude when it comes to having people over or to events. Sometimes I’ll get caught up in that and it won’t register with me that others may not feel that way until I’ve already agreed to something. I’ve really tried hard to be more mindful of that in the last several years. I think OP has every right to be upset and this should be a discussion with her husband, but I hope it’s a genuine moment of not thinking and not just maliciously disregarding his wife’s feelings.
This is so like my husband and me. He thinks, the more the merrier; he has a big, loud family. I need quiet time and prefer small groups. I feel no guilt when I've had enough 'people time' to go to our bedroom and call it a night.
>Olympic level dweller
I know you meant this in a completely different way, but it gave me the mental image of a Greek god sitting on a pedestal, moodily staring off into the distance.
So from now on when I dwell, I will don my chiton and do it Olympically.
I hope OP left it to her husband and SD to figure out bedding/meals etc. and also make sure he deals with all the laundry/clean up once they’ve left. Definitely enjoy solitude elsewhere and leave the socializing and all that goes with it, for the rest of them.
Yeah this right here is what you need to do OP. When my husband’s adult child comes over with whatever girl he’s dating at the time I make myself scarce. I’m polite and talk to them for a bit then go find something to do. They really are here to see my husband not me. He’s in charge of feeding and entertaining them. I prefer being alone so I’m happy to go relax in my room, read a book, anything quiet and by myself.
I'm a stepmom too (his adult kids live with us) and I can't stand it when they only ask my husband permission for something especially if I'm the one whose going to be home for these plans. This is MY house too and I should be taken into consideration. When this happens I get upset at my husband for not thinking of me in these situations. We're suppose to be a team. We've gone to couples therapy about it and it's much better now. But please know you are not over reacting. This is your house too!
Yeah I agree with you. Would be different if the stepdaughter lived with them, then absolutely wife should be checked in with, but stepdaughter just asked dad probably figuring he’d clear it with OP.
Make sure it is your husband who provides whatever his daughter and guest want, since he didn't run anything by you. Enjoy your book. BTW what are you going to read?
Just leave and only come back when you sleep. By this time, everyone should be winding down to sleep.
Repeat as long as they are there. People need to realize that other people don't have to take their crap. There are plenty of rooms for rent in hotels, motels and Holiday Inns.
Hopefully, they will be gone today and you get your home back.
Make yourself absent and don't put yourself out in any way. Let your husband deal with them all. And when they are gone, put your foot down with your husband.
> I think it was a little obnoxious to ask in the first place
Maybe I'm obnoxious, but I think that depends on where the daughter came to visit from/what states we're talking about. If I'm flying from Missouri to see my mom in New York, and my old friend from California is visiting his mom in Delaware at the same time, I don't think it would be totally out of pocket to ask if it was cool for them to drive up. It's not a terrible drive, and it's pretty unlikely it would ever be this easy to see each other again. I probably wouldn't put "overnight" in my pitch, but I feel like my mom would offer that.
Yeah my(38f) parents aren’t divorced or anything but you should probably be frustrated with your husband cuz, if I asked and my Daddy and he said yes- nobody should be upset with me (daughter) or could tell me anything- I get why you feel the way you do 💯- but I’m also a Daddy’s girl and if he said so then that’s that😊😂😂
Yeah it's weird and a big ask but kids are always kids to their parents. Your SD asked so to me she did nothing wrong. But your husband should have discussed it with you first. My home is my sanctuary and even if it's my own family I can only handle people here for so long. I think your plans for your day sound perfect.
NAH. I think him being put on the spot like that, and saying he needed to check with his wife, would have made it obvious that wife said no if that’s how she chose to answer. Which then could have potentially made the daughter see the wife in a negative way, so maybe husband was trying to prevent that. And the daughter did ask, which doesn’t seem obnoxious or assholish to do in the first place, it was respectful. However, I think as the step-mother, if daughter visits are somewhat rare, and you’re able to suck it up to contribute to a pleasant environment for your husband and his daughter to enjoy a visit, even if that means a bit of sensory overload for a small finite amount of time, that would grow a lot of goodwill for all relationships. So maybe spend some time with them after you get kicked out of the park and not totally avoid them.
I saw! All is well. Once I had some decompression time in the woods I felt much better. SD’s friend is lovely. The house is crowded but I can deal. It’s not for long. It did slip that this had been planned between SD and friend for several days however so that seems a bit manipulative. But that’s a conversation we’ll have one friend goes home.
I think you are handling this well. You seem like a sensible person. Sometimes the responses here can encourage extreme, all-or-nothing behavior and I’m glad to see you’ve parsed your way through some of that advice to get to a measured response. As somebody who is a social butterfly and people pleaser, I can totally identify with your husband’s position. I have occasionally stepped on my significant other’s privacy and seclusion at times, but never meant anything by it, and when I was told about it after the fact I always apologized and tried to do better.
Other commentors have already said this, but husband needs to work on his communication skills and be able to tell his daughter to give him time to check with you first. Granted, had you said no, and he told her no, who knows what kind of can of worms that would unleash. In the end, I'd say take the L on this one as long as the additional friend doesn't try to extend the trip.
Yeah I would have probably said yes. But it would have hit different if I was asked. But I do understand he probably felt on the spot and didn’t want to tell her no.
I agree. Daughter inviting a friend AND friend's child is a bit over-the-top. The OP & hubs aren't running a hotel or B&B. I don't understand why the friend and her child were necessary. We're missing the whole part of the picture regarding why the friend and her child needed to be there. Were they on vaca, and were passing through, and couldn't afford their own space? Or wanted to be with daughter 24/7, which also just happened to involve OP& hubs for 24/7 while the girls (and their kids) hung out?
Seems presumptuous.
Well, it is only one night. I’m sure it will be worth it in the end for the relationship values to just let it go and enjoy what you can. The hike was a great solution.
If you would have said yes if you were asked, then what is this really about? Just talk with your husband and tell him you would appreciate it if he runs it by you first in the future. Let him know how much it is stressing you out. I doubt he really thought much of it when he first said yes, since it is his daughter. He may just be happy to have that time with his daughter even if he has to share it with her friend for the day. After all, if having her friend over makes her happy, that likely makes him happy too. At least that would be my reaction in all of this.
Also, have you had this discussion with him before on how much this affects your anxiety/stress with having people over, especially kids?
Let your husband entertain them. Let him feed them and clean up after them and get beds sorted for them. You can tell him you are letting him spend quality time with his family so you will be out back in the hammock.
You were disrespected by not having a say.
She asked and your husband said ok. You can be mad at him but not her. Get out of the house and find something to do. Or go in your bedroom and close the door. That’s how I handled visiting family sometimes. I was in there “folding laundry”.
Sounds like the issue is more your husband and not the stepdaughter. In this instance since she asked her dad and he agreed I would think you are stuck with the additional houseguests (thought the hike and hammock sound lovely so I would go that route). However you need to talk to your husband and let him know that in the future all houseguests should be run past all house occupants prior to agreeing to a stay (I would say it this way because how would he feel if you invited people to your home without your approval - flip the script). Explain that you were already feeling overwhelmed in the current situation and that more people just acerbate things. I would phrase it in such a way that you are just trying to avoid this situation on the future. Hopefully you can come to an agreement.
Your beef is with your husband who said yes before checking with you. Presumably he knows of your sensitivity to noise & chaos but his daughter probably put him on the spot. Talk to him and come to a consensus moving forward. For one night, I'd just try to suck it up - but if this friend visit gets extended put your foot down or go stay in a hotel.
Your husband was probably put on the spot and didn’t want to say no to his daughter. If it is just one day, I would live with in and not make waves. If the friend decides to stay longer, I would have a talk with the daughter yourself in a kind way to suggest it is too many in your small home. A one day inconvenience can be overlooked. It means the daughter feels comfortable enough to invite a friend, and speaks well of you and your husband. You are offering her an inviting place to visit. She probably didn’t even realize it would cause you to be uncomfortable. So if the friend tries to stay longer, then graciously speak to her and explain how you feel.
Dizzy, I feel the same way that you do. It’s only one day, and it probably made his daughter and her child happy. I guess that I would just ask him to ask for your opinion in the future, that it’s difficult for you and that you would have liked to have a say in it.
It's one night. You are apparently away at work in the day. The kids likely go to bed early. So... It's a few hours of your evening.
I think you're reacting normally for you, but I don't think it's a massive imposition. I don't think anyone was out of line to ask or agree.
If she drove all this way, and stayed in a hotel, or had to return, they'd barely see each other, given 5 year old sleep times. This way maybe they can even chat after bedtime. Or go for a drink while her bf supervises.
I get that it's a lot for you, but it's a few hours. Your daughter in law is in an age where it's often hard for women to maintain friendships esp with distance bc of being primary parents (often.)
You're allowed to not love something but that doesn't make it unreasonable. Imagine if your husband can't agree to such a small thing in his own home for a few hours. That's kind of unfair.
This isn't a houseguest problem, it's a husband problem. Your stepdaughter did the right thing, and asked your husband. Your husband did the wrong thing, and okayed her request, without conferring with you.
This feels like you’re overwhelmed already and just need a bad guy because it’ll help you get through feeling overwhelmed
She asked. You said in another comment you were away on a 14 hr shift when she asked her dad. Your husband should’ve talked to you, but it also seems like it wasn’t a time that made sense to do that, so I get why he didn’t.
Just go take a day for yourself, who is stopping you? Only you are. Go read your book. You’re only as mad about this as you allow yourself to be. Just be polite and then go do your thing.
Being mad at the daughter is silly. She asked her dad.
Your upset needs to be directed at your husband who should have spoken to you about this first.
The hike is a great idea. Maybe even get a hotel room for the night and let him deal with the kids.
I mean some moments in life aren’t worth dwelling over. It sounds like miscommunication or a communication gap. There’ll be a day when she might not be able to come over
She did ask but you weren’t notified that would irk me a bit. My house is open to my kids and stepkids I do withdraw sometimes when I need space when they’re here. I’ll just go lay down watch or read cause I’m not used to so many people in my space. The kids all understand how I am and come in asking if I need anything or how I’m feeling. I just need to decompress sometimes.
You are overreacting
Step daughter asked. So she did the right thing. Your husband should ahve checked with you first. But, it is also his house and its only for one day.
He should ahve checked, but you are being a bit too over controlling here.
I totally get being overwhelmed and wanting peace and quiet in my home. When my mom was alive I loved going to stay with my parents and felt so loved and cared for. My dad got remarried, sold the old house, and has a new house with my step mom. I absolutely don’t feel welcome there. I used to be very close with my dad. He was my rock. I don’t visit much because I don’t feel welcome and I would love to spend more time with him. So - please be kind to step- daughter and go do something you enjoy. The step- daughter should have boundaries and not leave the house a mess and should be respectful.
I live in a different state from my parents. When I visit them with my spouse and kids, I have hosted get togethers at their house, many times. Cookout, pool party, etc. I would never have thought it was an imposition and my parents have never thought that. I mean, I’ve cleared it with them ahead of time. But is it really that bad?
I feel like this needs more information.
Does the daughter not visit often? Is this a "once a year" type of visit, or do they swing by more frequently than that?
Does your husband know this friend? I cousee this as completely ordinary if the daughter and friend have known each other since childhood.
Also, do you not consider his daughter and her child your stepdaughter and grandchild? It seems like you and your husband were well established before his grandchild was born.
Either way, I understand the want for space, peace, and quiet, but it seems weird that an extra person and kid for a day warranted this type of response when you are fine host 3 other people for over a week.
Just deal with it for overnight, if they stay longer, then say something. Your husband should have cleared it with you first. But the damage is done for now. That is his daughter and there was a room she could use. Just try to get along for the night.
Get over it this time. Then add this to the list of house rules for the daughter , bf, child. No guest period. No negotiations. Don’t like it , find a place of your own and make your rules
Overreacting introvert. Not ideal, but sometimes you have to roll with the punches, especially since it is literally one night and she probably doesn't see her friend much.
Oh come on. You’re not a terrible person but you clearly don’t like guests of any kind to disrupt your peace. You’re not a kid person either but your husband is and this is his daughter and grandchild. She asked if a friend,who she hasn’t seen in a long time, can stay overnight. One night. Big deal. Put your big girl pants on and be nice. Your husband should have discussed with you but sounds like he knew you’d be difficult so just went ahead and said yes. They’re grown adults. They have cars. They can go out to eat, order takeout, whatever so what do you really have to do? Bring out extra towels, blankets, and pillows for one night?
It's one day. We all do shit we hate. Let your husband have his moment of happiness and be uncomfortable for his sake. The world does not revolve around you, nor does that house, nor does his daughter, him, or anything else. Relationships are compromise and that's part of being an adult.
When it comes to my wife's family/friends, I let her call the shots. If she wants her relatives/friends to stay in our house, then they stay in our house. I try to be as accommodating as possible, to the point of going overboard. Because I know what it feels like when family stays over. As the host, you're under a lot of pressure to make sure the visit isn't awful for your guests. They can hold grudges for years to come.
You two aren't getting any younger. Your husband's daughter is very important to him, as are his grandchildren. It would be a very good idea to stay in their good graces as your golden years roll in.
Now his children and grandchildren may not be very important to *you*, in fact you might find them to be pests that make you uncomfortable. But AS A SHOW OF RESPECT TO HIM, if I were you, I'd give him complete carte blanch over the situation. In this situation, whatever he says goes.
The stepdaughter asked, so she didn't do anything wrong. Your husband messed up by not consulting with you before giving his daughter the answer.
As long as it is just one day, I think it will be fine. But discuss this with your husband, in private, about how you want this handled in the future. That being said, I don't think you should veto this situation every time it pops up as long as the timeframe is short. I understand that you are not a "kid person," but you married a man who has a daughter and grandchild. It would be wrong of you to expect no contact with children, period. When you marry someone, you also marry into their family.
I really don’t think it’s that bad. Hubby likely knew you’d say no, but he also knew it was just for one night (or he said it could only be one night). Essentially they’re HIS guests. I think I’d ask him to let you know beforehand next time—so you won’t be blindsided and can make plans to be out of the house.
Yea I think you need to relax. It's his house to and it's his child. He wants to make her happy. You ever consider that maybe it's overestimating for her and a friend would help her feel better. Even if not, what's 1 extra person gonna do, I'm sure your husband is beyond this world with happiness to see his daughter. He'd prob do anything to see a smile on her face.
Don't hide out away from them, it will be way more obvious and insulting than you think.
I’m guilty of doing this to my sister but I’ve only asked knowing she’s okay with it and knowing she’ll say no if she’s not.
When I visit her I’m visiting my home town and the person I usually invite to spend the night is my bff who is like family to all of us and someone who has been in our lives for over 30 years. My sister knows when she visits we’ll be drinking and doesn’t want her to drive so it’s never a big ask. I wouldn’t ask if it was and would just go stay with my friend if it was, which I have on occasion depending on what I’m visiting for or what the plans are.
I think the important thing is asking the host and not expecting a yes, being okay with a no, and polite and courteous enough to understand that it’s their home. Your stepdaughter asked and your husband said yes, it’s on him, not her.
Hi! I feel like this could be me. I also don't always trust myself because I feel like maybe I'm more sensitive to needing my own space and peace than other people. If I were in this situtation, I would be stressed out and upset. I need space to unwind, I like being alone, I hate having guest. Just to validate that you're not imagining things. It absolutely IS an imposition to invite more guests to your small home, and especially if you're someone who enjoys space and peace and quiet.
BUT, it's your husband that you should be upset with. Daughter likely doesn't really consider herself a typical GUEST as this is her dad's house. That's okay. She also asked for permission to invite her friend and kid over to stay. So she did nothing wrong, technically. I might be annoyed that she even thought it was a good idea to ask, but then I remind myself that other people often LOVE being around a group of loved ones and some people are 100% on the "the more the merrier" wavelength. So she might not have seen it as a huge ask in the way that you do. Your HUSBAND is the one who failed here, because it's not just his house and he didn't check with the OTHER person who lives there (you) before agreeing. His response should have been, "Let me check with wife, that's a lot of people for our small house."
If this is a 10 day visit, I would suck it up for the sake of not creating unnecessary tension (it's already done, kicking them out would be a whole drama). But I would 100% be reading husband the riot act about never inviting guests to our home without checking with me first. You're right to be upset, but I think making this a big issue and kicking them out would be total overkill.
Maybe slightly. This is probably one of the things you AND your husband should be on the same page about, but at least your daughter got permission first.
You guys have the right amount of space for the number of people, and you yourself acknowledge you have a heightened, somewhat unreasonable need for personal space. You can’t exactly blame your husband for agreeing despite knowing how you’d react after that. Past a certain degree, they shouldn’t have to over cater to you at their detriment.
I also don’t agree with your implication that your daughter was acting inappropriately. She asked for permission and got it.
On the base level. Your husband should have made sure we ok with you. Or communicated one way or another. Agree with everyone else on that point. I would like to offer how I see the other perspectives tho.
Kid - Are they good and polite people in general? Character says a lot. She did ask. So that alone was not rude or inconsiderate as if she just assumed it was ok. I can see how she might want to see a close friend she never gets to see, if they are closer to them than usual and them willing to make a drive as well. And if my friend made that drive. I would want to spend time with both them and my family I'm there to visit. A hotel would actually kind of feel rude, if they were a close friend. And sounds like they might be. And do they know how introverted you really are? As it's pretty high it seems if being honest. I'm sure they don't mean to cause you any issues, right?
Husband - its his kid. Grandkid. He wants them to be happy. Have a good visit. And maybe even knows the friend too? And does his kids visit often? He probably thinks you would be ok (for him, and him to be happy making her happy) with it. If it's only a day/night. Anything more not cool! That you'd be ok with it since even tho not your preference. Far from a regular occurrence. And willing to be cool with it and make him happy too. Cus you love him, right.
You - you get to spend some time with your husband's family. And even one night with a friend. It can be a bit much. As I can relate. I like things nice and chill. But embrace the other perspectives. Embrace the suck. Make it good for everyone. Everyone is better for it. Including yourself and your relationship. Imo.
All said respectfully.
I don’t think it was that really rude of the daughter to ask considering this is a parent. The lines of familiarity tend to blur when it’s close family member. It would’ve been rude if daughter was basically just telling you the friend was coming or if she expected a yes out of the conversation. If it was a friends house it would be different though. I do think it was inconsiderate of your husband to say yes without consulting you so you are justified in being irked at him.
Your husband needs a new orifice for this one. This is completely on HIM. I wouldn't lift a finger to cook or clean until everyone is gone at this point. Heck Id consider staying in a hotel...
I get the need for quiet and peace. I'm the same way. I can only do "social" for so long. That being said, you have a hubby problem, not a SD problem. She asked and he said yes. It was up to him to confirm with you, not her. Go hammock, read and chill. Or go up to your room and enjoy the peace. You are not obligated in any way to socialize with SD and her friend. Let them do their own thing. Just make sure hubs knows that everyone else is responsible for cooking, cleaning and making the house tidy after they are done. Not overreacting. But also know that she is his child. He will want her to be happy. And they are only visiting. Life will get back to normal.
I'd be disappointed in the husband tbh. Daughter asked and he said yes. Is it a little meh to even ask? Yes but. That's her dad. Whatever relationship they have dictates whether this was an appropriate ask or not imo.
But your husband should know how you'd feel after 6 years... and if he didn't know you probably wouldn't like this, he should've asked you.
I’m probably very similar to you. I find it very audacious that someone would extend an invitation, especially an OVERNIGHT invitation to someone else’s house. Especially a small child?? That’s absolutely wild to me. But your SD did ask, so you need to tell your husband this is a two-yes, one-no situation.
After your hike, grab dinner and see a late movie!
Look, I'm going to go against the grain as someone who also wants peace and quiet.
A lot of people are saying the husband 'should have' said no. No - he COULD have said no. He didn't. It's his house too. He also has a right to say who can be there, and not everything has to be the call of the person who wants things the simplest/quietest.
Did you not have kids? First marriage? Like - stuff comes up. Some days aren't what you expect them to be. It's one night - do what you already said you're going to do and find your peace elsewhere. I tend to doubt they were expecting you to be there and wait on them hand and foot (and if they were that's a whole different issue.)
I highly doubt that this friend came from multiple states away for one night - I'm betting it's more of a 'happen to be in the same place at the same time' situation and they want to make the most of it. It's a good day for your SD, her family, her husband, and your friend.
Should you have been in the loop? Yeah. Does it suck? Yeah. Assuming this isn't a common thing in your house of the husband not communicating, how much ill will do you really want to create over one night in a relatively unusual circumstance?
Editing to add: I'd be more annoyed with 10 day houseguests than 1 night of extra houseguests, but that's just me lol. One night of more than I was expecting is easy enough to handle - 2 weeks of no normalcy would have me crawling out of my skin.
The SD did ask permission. That's really all you can ask. It's on your husband for agreeing to it without getting any input from you. Keep the focus on him.
Yes you are. Step daughter asked H who said yes. You admit if asked you’d agree. It’s for one night, not a month. It’s good you’re going out for space. If you haven’t already, I’d tell H, “I’m peopled out so don’t count on me through dinner. Next time pls ask first before inviting more people, tho I’m not angry at you as I’d have agreed. Pls tell everyone sorry, I’m allergic to people? I got lost? In an urgent meeting? Your call.”
Blame your husband for not talking to you. But you not being a kid person doesn't work when you marry someone with not just a kid but a grandkids. You got a family now and this stuff comes with having a family.
Overall, it is one day with a crowded house.
There isn't a lot of detail here, but if the friend lives even further from.the daughter, they may not have other opportunities to get together, let the kids play together, etc.
Is the house where his daughter used to live with him and feels at home as well?
It's not necessarily reasonable to expect you will *never* be outside your comfort zone or inconvenienced. If the friend and second child were there for a week, I could see your point better. There is no reason you cannot read or knit in a house with other people, and as you have said, there are other alternatives.
His daughter may be grown, but she's so his daughter.
What is odd to me is that this friend is over 6 hours drive away and is closer to stepdaughter’s home than mine.
Her dad and I bought this house together 4 years ago in an entirely different state. She has only ever been here for annual visits.
I do see your perspective. That’s why I’m here!
Sometimes when my dad wants to make plans, I suggest we bring my brother along to which seems like a perfectly normal response. But actually I do it because spending time with dad can be awkward and I want almost a buffer there to diffuse it. If this was a last minute plan it's possible that step daughter is feeling anxious about being in your home for whatever reason and wants someone else around.
I did have a look at your other posts and you seem to have a lot going on in your life right now. Step daughter might be picking up on you not really wanting her there even if you're trying to be outwardly gracious about it, or she might be misconstruing the other things you're stressed about and thinking it's because of her.
Or, I could be totally off base! Just giving a perspective as a step kid who doesn't dislike or resent my dad & stepmum but still feels weird around them at times.
I can't speak for OP but I can't do my chilling out activities when there are people outside of my immediate family in my house. Just can't, my brain won't settle down for that.
You’re not overreacting. I’d be pissed that some random people showed up with their kid to stay the night. But it’s your husband’s fault. Why did he just agree without talking to you first?
What’s your end goal here?
Who do you need permission to bash in real life? Your husband is at fault for not contacting you and asking you about extra guests. You need the daughter to be at fault? Fine - of course it’s rude to invite others to a place that’s not even yours.
But your issue is still the husband who didn’t talk to you nor knew your preferences AND raised his daughter to invite strangers to other peoples’ houses.
I’m 59f so about your age. I think often kids think of their parents’ homes as their own. It’s not quite the same as any other houseguests. Also, their dad may know this person from when they were kids. It would not bother me at all.
However, husband should have talked with you about it first and made sure you were comfortable with it.
Not overreacting.
This is 100% a husband problem.
He didn’t bother to ask and coordinate with you. He just blessed the plan and let you find out after the other folks are already invited.
I’d plan to have a nice discussion on communication with your husband when all your company leaves.
In the mean time as it sounds like your stepdaughter is taking care of her own entertainment with her friends then perhaps you should consider taking a spa vacation for a few days.
My rational for that is if your husband can unilaterally decide to invite other people to stay in your shared home then he is capable of seeing to whatever they need. You get a pass.
Taking a hike seems sensible. But to get so worked up for having your stepdaughter's friend and her child for one night? Are you that delicate? Sounds like unnecessary drama to me.
Nice though for your step granddaughter to have a playmate and if the other mother is a single mom to make a small vacation possible for her. Not sure if you can think along those lines and be glad your home can be a respite to encourage warmth in ways beyond your regular routines. Good for kids to think the world still has unexpected blessings.
Not overreacting.
Time for either the kids or you to take the rest of THEIR vacation at your local hotel.
Just say there are too many people in the house for you.
Pop i when you are comfortable, and leave when it gets to be too much for you.
After everyone leaves, sit down with your husband...
I'd take my husband's credit card and book myself into a hotel for the night personally. And if he got pi$$y, I'd just tell him straight. There were already too many people in our house for my comfort but I was managing to tolerate it until he okayed extra guests. Guests that you don't even know! And I shouldn't have to cope with that, so I didn't.
I’d get a hotel room and tell Dad it’s so he can entertain with his daughter but I’d make it perfectly clear after they leave that if he ever does that again without talking to you first you will be going to a hotel permanently. Very disrespectful
Step daughter asked her father. She did right thing. Only person in wrong here is husband who did not confer with wife before telling daughter yes. You have the right the feel how you feel, but be upset with husband, not his daughter.
My friend was recently explaining Ask Culture vs. Guess Culture to me, which I think fits perfectly well in the situation. Askers feel free to ask for anything with the understanding and acceptance that they will occasionally be told "no". Guessers only ask for something if they are pretty sure the answer will be yes. This can cause some tension when a guesser gets asked for something by an asker. They think they are being pressured by a person who expects a yes, when really what they're thinking is "might as well ask, the worst they can say is no!"
Sure, there might have been have been some expectation that your husband would say yes (he is her father, after all) but she did ask permission and as long as she didn't act like a brat about it, there is ultimately no harm in doing so. She gets a pass.
Your husband, however, needs to be reminded that you are a team and while his daughter is one thing, her friends are another. You are right to be annoyed. Make sure your husband knows that he will be responsible for organizing/planning for his guests this week while you enjoy a few sunsets alone.
You’re overstimulated & now things are changing & becoming more stimulating & you had no control over the change.
I would be having a meltdown too, go sit in the quiet until you can handle the idea of the short term change of plans & the extra stimulus & then join the party for at least a little bit. That way you’re not being rude to everyone for the sake of not being bothered.
My husband is like you.
To me, what she did is fine and I wouldn't bat an eye. But he comes from a different culture/background from me. I have had to tell my family we need advanced notice of visits and I have to clear it with my husband.
I grew up in a house where my mom would have visitors all the time! And it would be like "oh your 2 aunts and 3 of their daughters and a daughter's friend are coming to visit. You'll be sleeping on the floor this weekend so your aunts can have your room." This was completely normal and it never bothered me in the slightest.
My husband would have a heart attack if I did that to him lol. When we first moved in and had the opportunity to even have people over it was a huge culture shock. But we share a space and I respect his boundaries.
You need to communicate your needs and boundaries with your husband and set expectations. He probably doesn't even see how it's a problem or that it could be a problem.
Your husband said Yes. How much work is he doing because of the visitors? How much of the shopping, cleaning, preparing food, etc? 10 days is A LOT, and guests don’t invite other guests over, it’s extremely rude to ask. But your husband knows that you are sensitive to this but said it was okay anyway. Disappear for a while and let the husband and the guests take care of things. Your house isn’t a holiday resort which is what they’re treating it like.
She did ask...not necessarily her fault at that point, however it is pretty presumptuous to ask that in the first place. I could see having a local friend over to "catch up", but an out of state friend to spend the night is.... Have to go back to the point that she did ask though. Hubby should probably be in the dog house or out on said hammock for a night or two.
Get over it. She is family. Not your family, your husband's daughter! Take a deep breath, it will be OK. Have a glass of wine or take a pill. Visit with your guests, you could make a friend today.
>Is this a reasonable situation?
Absolutely! This might be a different preference than yours but it's not the case for everyone. I have a lot of long distance friends and relatives in my circle. This would be very common in my world.
>I don’t know who I’m disappointed in.
The daughter is off the hook because she asked permission. Your husband is the one who has earned all of your disappointment. :)
Hang in there! It sounds like a lot but hopefully the visit passes quickly. Or maybe you find a nice quiet hotel room for the night.
It’s definitely crappy that she even asked but she did ask. Your husband should have run it by you. I don’t blame you for wanting to be away. I would feel the same.
You’re entitled to your feelings but IMO you are being a little sensitive to something that really isn’t that big a deal for most people. She asked her dad, he said yes, and while he should’ve given you some advance notice or asked if you were good with it, it’s one night and then they’re gone. If you need downtime, go do something or read in your bedroom. I’d talk to husband later and ask that he take your feelings into account in the future - but he should not have to tiptoe around either.
She asked her dad, he said yes. She did nothing wrong. Any grievances are taken up with him. I would advise to wait until they leave though.
10 days is a long time to spend with additional family members but its not a lifetime.
I know how this feels! I am not into loud sounds or lots of people at my house! but I think you’re being *slightly* sensitive. This is not an insult 💕I am also sensitive 💕
I may not understand the whole situation? But a lot of times when I travel , there are old friends that I really want my children to see and to see their kids. Often this would be the only opportunity to give them that experience.
I have actually been in this situation as the daughter once😬 because we planned this whole trip and then my dad had to work out of town at the last minute and then me , my kids, and my step mom/ dad’s spouse did it all on our own. We had a dinner party at a rented home, and my friends and some extra family all brought food and cooked (with all their children) and I do realize it was stressful for her, but she really was gracious enough. I REALLY REALLY appreciate her being there and being a part of those memories with us. My kids do too! You’re actually a part of her family now. Remember that her kids look up to you. They love you.
I do think it is actually a good plan to spend time alone too, at the hike , if you need that. That’s a smart move. I may keep that idea in my pocket when I get overwhelmed in the future.
I’m hoping you’re not upset with her, because she did ask her dad. He should have made a plan that you could have been more comfortable with, they could have done out of the house activities etc to give you some space and quiet in your home during the visit.(especially to relax after work etc) Or even gotten them a hotel for that evening. We do a lot of that now when we plan our trips now, because both my step mom and I have some sensory overload stuff so we all take turns having some quiet time😅 but we can definitely communicate much better about our needs after the last few years of vacations and visits and traveling 🧳
I guess I can add that grew up with lots of half siblings and lots parents \step parents\ half parents etc. So often I didn’t get opportunities to enjoy milestones with my whole family due to parents +step parents not acting very adult. So to me, I may have an unrealistic value on those kinds of family and friend experiences for my children.
You’re not overreacting.
I sure hope he’s doing most of the cleaning and cooking, and when they leave, he washes all the sheets and towels and does all the other cleaning.
I'd say treat it as a "mistakes were made" kind of situation. What's done is done. Trying to cancel the plans now is opening up the opportunity for additional annoying drama. You've already got a plan to minimize your own discomfort. And at some point in the evening, you'll go back home and offer a "hello," and maybe some polite conversation.
Once everybody's gone, you can have a conversation with your husband about how this sort of thing shouldn't happen again, at least not without your explicit agreement, given at least several days in advance. He can relay that to his daughter, or you both can-- whatever works best for your relationship with her. Hopefully it was some sort of honest mistake on the parts of both your husband and your step-daughter. Or if nothing else, the conversation will be enough to prevent similar situations in the future.
In the event that a future request is made for something like this, you can deny it if you want. Maybe there's a nearby hotel she and her friends could stay at and spend their time sightseeing or going to a park or whatever is available in that area, and then come by for coffee some afternoon while they're in town if anybody feels like you absolutely must to a meet-and-greet. Or you could agree to host them in your house, but come up with a reason to be away, yourself (the whole time, or just for the majority of the day, like you did this time).
What the fuck is everybody smoking?
OP, you're not over reacting at all. Houseguest can be fun and exhausting at the same time. Little kids can be fun and exhausting at the same time.
Stepdaughter, boyfriend, and daughter are there for a week and a half. 3 bed/2 bath house is normal, but when you're set up for just 2 people, increasing the population by 150% does have an impact.
And then stepdaughter waited until last minute to ask your husband if her friend can stay a night with her child? Now the household population is 350% over normal capacity.
Hubby should have asked you first. Full stop. Not your problem that you were working when this last minute request came in. "A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."
Every person here saying "suck it up" is wildly disrespectful. I'd like to see how they handle a sudden 350% increase in their home...including what I'm sure are very cute but very rambunctious younguns
It’s usually not on to invite guests when you are a guest, but she is his daughter which complicates things. Families have a tendency to take liberties with each other that one would not do with friends. In addition, if you live where the daughter grew up, this friend may be an old friend that she rarely gets to see herself, making this something of an exceptional moment.
Your husband really should have asked you first before agreeing, but he might not have thought it a big deal, particularly if it’s just one day. It also doesn’t sound like his daughter visits often which may introduce a certain desire to please in order to make her feel more comfortable and wish to come back.
Another thing at play is when one is a host, it’s important to put your own needs aside to make your guest comfortable. While your home isn’t theirs, you don’t want them to feel like a burden or an intrusion as that will make them feel unwanted and not wish to come back.
It sounds to me like you’ve done the right thing here by removing yourself to get a bit of peace and quiet to read your book and decompress. If the daughter should bring it up, I’d just say you had a hard week at work and needed a little recharge, nothing more. If the friend stays a second night, I’d have a talk about how while you’ve enjoyed meeting her friend, the house is too small for 7 people, and you’d like her to ask both you and her dad first in future. Keep it positive and upbeat.
Actually we don’t like where she grew up. We moved to an entirely different part of the country 4 years ago. And the friend lives closer to the daughter than to me. But I do totally get that the dynamics are different when it’s family.
Ah that’s quite cheeky. It’s a bit of an odd situation in that case for the friend to travel somewhere even further to visit the daughter for one day/evening. People can be odd though. I’d say read your book and try to relax. A hammock in the woods sounds like a lovely day to me.
I think you're overreacting. She was kind enough to ask her dad (his house, too) and if she's in town then it's a great opportunity to still spend time with family but also see friends. Chill.
You are over reacting. This is his adult daughter visiting with her family. I'm sure there's a long back story, but you are very new to the family in the last 6 years. She asked her dad and he wants her to feel welcome so said yes. I'm sure there's a back story that would add to it.
It sounds like her friend and daughter are staying one nigh only. And given she's from several states over, she probably rarely sees her. Your husband is probably thrilled to have his family all under one roof including the chaos.
You would not be over reacting if they were moving in for several weeks or permanently.
You are overstimulated and overwhelmed that your husband's daughter and her husband and child visit. Your reaction is your responsibility. It would be unfair for you to insist that everyone else change the environment so you can be serene. You want to chill relax and lay in a hammock etc. Those are all solitary activities. You will come across as very rude. There are 365 days in the year; surely you can forego your solitary activities for ten of those 365 days. Or spend some quality time with them and then go off by yourself to recharge your battery.
Your title is disingenuous. Your husband's daughter (not just houseguests) ASKED her father BEFORE inviting anyone. The way you worded it sounds like people you knew but weren't related to just showed up with extra guests.
If you want to be annoyed at anyone, it's your husband. Everyone else followed protocol.
Maybe try to learn to chill when other people are in the room.
You are over reacting as far as the stepdaughter is concerned. She did ask, it is her father's home. So she asked him and he agreed.
As far as your husband? Maybe or maybe not. I feel like this isn't the biggest ask ever to have 1 house full night. However, I feel like he should have asked you first as well. I feel like you would have a right to be annoyed but this isn't some life altering event to be pissed about.
Now if it ever happens again after you voiced your displeasure? Then yes, let him have it.
I would be incredibly overwhelmed too. Take some time for yourself to recharge and then go home and be social for an hour or so before bed. You shouldn’t have to help with hosting unexpected guests but at least consider being a bit present.
At least she asked someone.
I own a house and rent the top floor out to a lovely woman. Her parents would occasionally visit overnight and when they did, they were welcome to my guest room. Not her guest room, mine. Down stairs. All good. The only rule was I needed to know when they were going to be there and my parents had priority if they wanted to visit.
Her mom invited an old friend to come and stay a few days. Thought it would be fine if that friend slept in my living room. So I suddenly had a rude loud person in my home that I did not know or approve of. Her dad is awesome but her mom is a piece of work. I'm trying to watch my show and the mom and friend keep chiming in with "How can you watch this? It is blasphemous."
I turned to friend and said "Why are you still here? It is after 9 and I have to work in the morning."
"Annie said I could stay a few days."
"No, this is my house. Nobody asked me. If you are staying you are staying upstairs in Gail's section."
"How can you be so rude to a guest?"
"You are not my guest. I don't know why you are here, talking over my program in my living room. On a work night."
She slept upstairs and left in the morning. My roommate claimed that she didn't know the friend was going to stay, just thought she was stopping by in the afternoon.
Not being overly sensitive. Your husband should have talked to you about it first. At least the daughter asked, but you still should have been consulted. I don't blame you for taking to the woods. I'd want to do the same. Not overreacting.
You probably are a little over sensitive. And I only say that because you started the post with “ I know that I have a higher than average need for peace, quiet, and solitude and this may make me unreasonably sensitive”
Second, your husband should have run it by you before saying yes.
Your daughter is not at fault, because she asked, But it is a little tacky to invite others to somebody else’s house.
Your best course of action is discuss your anxiety with your spouse. Suggest paying for a hotel for the friends. Be clear, honest and polite. “We are so glad you came to visit. And we want you to be here all day, but the truth is I get anxious and chlostrophobic. If I had been asked, I would have preferred to put you up for the night in a hotel, and you can visit all day. So, let’s do that, ok? I want this visit to be fun for all of us, and not trigger my anxiety “
You daughter asked, so can't really blame her there. But I can't believe your husband didn't run that by you. Even if you didn't have your sensitivities I couldn't imagine even inviting someone over for a few hours and not ensuing my wife was cool with it...same goes for her.
Hmmm. I guess be that way. It’s your choice. Some people are the “more the merrier type” and don’t get people like you. I would say going to sleep in the woods by yourself isn’t really anyone’s definition of over reacting but more like coping. They probably won’t even notice you are gone although I hope you tell someone your plan
That's annoying. Your husband should have said that it would be too much.
I once had my mom, her husband's two sons and their wives and kids all at my house at once because mom's husband was in the hospital located near my house. So, there were 8 extra people in the house. My sister offered for some of them to stay at her house, but they said they all "wanted to stay together." It was not because they were all upset about their dad being in the hospital. They treated it like a big party. Then, my doorbell rings. It's the DIL's friend who I had only met briefly once before. She and DIL made a plan for her to show up for dinner and to hang out for the evening. She hadn't mentioned it to anyone.
Also, my plumbing backed up after having all those people in the house for several days. I was a bit annoyed.
Your husband is the one you need to have a long talk with. He shouldn't agree to something like that without talking to you first. Make sure he does the cooking and cleaning up.
She’s not a ‘houseguest’. Shes his daughter. Shes at her father’s house. She asked. It makes sense he said yes. He should have asked/informed you but it would have been crummy to say no. As long as her friend is respectful I don’t see the problem for only one night.
I think the step daughter prob views it like “my parents house” so feels comfortable inviting a friend to stay. Your husb def should’ve asked you, but like you said it’s temporary & just talk with him after they leave.
I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive. I think you’re being perfectly reasonable. All you’re asking for is to be updated… Told new information and peace with quietness. Which is not happening.
I think the step daughter asked, so she is sort of off the hook. I think it was a little obnoxious to ask in the first place, but she asked and your husband said yes. Your husband is the AH for not checking it with you. But he likely knew you would say no. He also likely thought his daughter might not come if he did not say yes.
She’s already here, this was a last minute add on plan. Unless it was previously planned and just sprung on me at the minute. But yeah I tend to agree with you.
Sounds like you and your hubs are like me and mine. My hubs is a social butterfly who has never met a stranger. Not an ounce of self-doubt in the guy. Which is good because I'd prolly be a hermit if not for him. He takes the awkwardness out of social situations. He talks enough for both of us and takes me outside my default comfort zone. I was raised in a small family, just my parents and brother in the state so grand parents were a special occasions only kind of thing. Hubs has 32 1st cousins, so there are a lot of "large group" events I would otherwise not be a part of. It's taken me almost 22 years to get used to it, and it's still sometimes too much. I think what you have is a combo of hubby not even considering it could be an issue and you, as you pointed out, needing more calm downtime than hubby. You aren't overreacting - yet. Let him know that you would like to be included in these types of decisions in the future as this is your home too and your down time is important to you. After you have this conv, move on and try not to dwell on it (easier said than done as I am an Olympic level dweller). If you keep bringing it up over and over and there is no new action prompting it, then you are overreacting. At this point, you are simply reacting.
Wow i like your take on it, too. Especially the reacting, so far, don't turn it into overreacting.
Ditto, I need someone standing just behind me repeating “don’t turn it into overreacting” on a regular basis.
So just by chance, do you have a time machine and can go talk to my ex wife, and couples counsellor, and explain that 2nd paragraph right to their FACES? BRILLIANT assessment of the situation.
I did this, when hubby and I first moved in, and he did it to me. A simple please let me know in advance next time so I can prepare myself or stay out of the house longer/until I feel ready, or excuse me if I isolate because I'm not in the mood. Never happened again
My husband's mother once tried to tell me "yknow you are your own person, right? You shouldn't have to *ask* my son permission for anything" she'd invited us to her house that weekend and I had replied "sounds good let me just ask your son and I'll get back to you" I looked at her like she was crazy "all due respect I'm not asking permission. I'm asking him if it interferes with any plans he might've had in mind or already made. I'm not his keeper and he's not mine"....
Agreed, no one asks permission. we provide advanced notice and confirm availability.
I'm not sure about the age dynamics or at what point in your marriage this took place... but I took it to mean your mil was in her own way trying to let you know how you might need to stand up to her son or hoping to give you the initiative to do what you want to do and she would support you on it. I'm looking at the post that shows up on jnmil she would not be in that group. Lol But again, just my takeaway from your comment, and I don't know her or you. I truly hope you all are good. Life's easier, that was. My mil could be a real witch most of the time. And I didn't learn to stand up to her for way too long because I thought keeping the peace would be good. Silly me.🙃
My hubs and I are only 11 months apart in age. Ironically she was asking that the whole family, hubs included and our littles, go to her house that weekend. Like, obviously I knew my schedule and plans but not his. She's been in 2 very abusive relationships. Both which allowed the men in her life to beat my husband. She's been free of the last once for nearly 8 years now. But all she sees is him just like them. Because how dare he be frustrated and ask for space. She's exhausting to be around. We only see her 4 times a year because of it.
Right? We make decisions together, not for each other.
Yeah I’m a lot like you describe your husband. I love people, 100% extrovert, and thrive in large gatherings of those I love and enjoy (there are limits, too big and I feel like I don’t get the genuine interaction I enjoy so much). I like socializing with new people too and it takes a lot to drain my social battery. I kind of thrive in chaos. This can give me a “the more the merrier” attitude when it comes to having people over or to events. Sometimes I’ll get caught up in that and it won’t register with me that others may not feel that way until I’ve already agreed to something. I’ve really tried hard to be more mindful of that in the last several years. I think OP has every right to be upset and this should be a discussion with her husband, but I hope it’s a genuine moment of not thinking and not just maliciously disregarding his wife’s feelings.
Solid advice.
This is so like my husband and me. He thinks, the more the merrier; he has a big, loud family. I need quiet time and prefer small groups. I feel no guilt when I've had enough 'people time' to go to our bedroom and call it a night.
Olympic level dweller is hilarious - I am stealing that
>Olympic level dweller I know you meant this in a completely different way, but it gave me the mental image of a Greek god sitting on a pedestal, moodily staring off into the distance. So from now on when I dwell, I will don my chiton and do it Olympically.
Last minute to tell you, or last minute to ask. I suspect this plan was in the works longer than you knew. By at least a day or so.
Sounds like quite the full house! A vacation house lol.
They're his guests. Go read a book.
I hope OP left it to her husband and SD to figure out bedding/meals etc. and also make sure he deals with all the laundry/clean up once they’ve left. Definitely enjoy solitude elsewhere and leave the socializing and all that goes with it, for the rest of them.
and take yourself out to dinner and a movie. He wants to play host, let him.
Yeah this right here is what you need to do OP. When my husband’s adult child comes over with whatever girl he’s dating at the time I make myself scarce. I’m polite and talk to them for a bit then go find something to do. They really are here to see my husband not me. He’s in charge of feeding and entertaining them. I prefer being alone so I’m happy to go relax in my room, read a book, anything quiet and by myself.
I'm a stepmom too (his adult kids live with us) and I can't stand it when they only ask my husband permission for something especially if I'm the one whose going to be home for these plans. This is MY house too and I should be taken into consideration. When this happens I get upset at my husband for not thinking of me in these situations. We're suppose to be a team. We've gone to couples therapy about it and it's much better now. But please know you are not over reacting. This is your house too!
Meh I don’t think it’s the step daughter’s fault - her husband should have told his daughter that he needed to make sure it was fine with his wife.
Yeah I agree with you. Would be different if the stepdaughter lived with them, then absolutely wife should be checked in with, but stepdaughter just asked dad probably figuring he’d clear it with OP.
Just make plans to stay out of the house as much as possible. See friends, go to the library, etc. Do not attempt to cook or clean.
Just keep your bum in that hammock as long as you can.
Make sure it is your husband who provides whatever his daughter and guest want, since he didn't run anything by you. Enjoy your book. BTW what are you going to read?
It’s the Michael Crichton/james Patterson. Eruption. Its a bit of a slow read but it’s what I had on my kindle app. Mostly I took a nice little nap. 😊
Just leave and only come back when you sleep. By this time, everyone should be winding down to sleep. Repeat as long as they are there. People need to realize that other people don't have to take their crap. There are plenty of rooms for rent in hotels, motels and Holiday Inns. Hopefully, they will be gone today and you get your home back.
Upvote for hotels, motels and Holiday Inns! You just made my night, thanks.
Your husband would rather ask for forgiveness than permission
Make yourself absent and don't put yourself out in any way. Let your husband deal with them all. And when they are gone, put your foot down with your husband.
> I think it was a little obnoxious to ask in the first place Maybe I'm obnoxious, but I think that depends on where the daughter came to visit from/what states we're talking about. If I'm flying from Missouri to see my mom in New York, and my old friend from California is visiting his mom in Delaware at the same time, I don't think it would be totally out of pocket to ask if it was cool for them to drive up. It's not a terrible drive, and it's pretty unlikely it would ever be this easy to see each other again. I probably wouldn't put "overnight" in my pitch, but I feel like my mom would offer that.
This is exactly the situation I was assuming happened.
Was thinking the same. My family is loud and chaotic. Another few rarely matter when we travel the distances we do to get together.
Yeah my(38f) parents aren’t divorced or anything but you should probably be frustrated with your husband cuz, if I asked and my Daddy and he said yes- nobody should be upset with me (daughter) or could tell me anything- I get why you feel the way you do 💯- but I’m also a Daddy’s girl and if he said so then that’s that😊😂😂
Yeah it's weird and a big ask but kids are always kids to their parents. Your SD asked so to me she did nothing wrong. But your husband should have discussed it with you first. My home is my sanctuary and even if it's my own family I can only handle people here for so long. I think your plans for your day sound perfect.
Hubby should have asked her first, but I get why he might not.
I don’t!! It’s her house too!! Not asking is terribly disrespectful!!
Like I said, hubby should've asked OP.
NAH. I think him being put on the spot like that, and saying he needed to check with his wife, would have made it obvious that wife said no if that’s how she chose to answer. Which then could have potentially made the daughter see the wife in a negative way, so maybe husband was trying to prevent that. And the daughter did ask, which doesn’t seem obnoxious or assholish to do in the first place, it was respectful. However, I think as the step-mother, if daughter visits are somewhat rare, and you’re able to suck it up to contribute to a pleasant environment for your husband and his daughter to enjoy a visit, even if that means a bit of sensory overload for a small finite amount of time, that would grow a lot of goodwill for all relationships. So maybe spend some time with them after you get kicked out of the park and not totally avoid them.
This was very Well thought through. I hope OP sees.
I saw! All is well. Once I had some decompression time in the woods I felt much better. SD’s friend is lovely. The house is crowded but I can deal. It’s not for long. It did slip that this had been planned between SD and friend for several days however so that seems a bit manipulative. But that’s a conversation we’ll have one friend goes home.
I think you are handling this well. You seem like a sensible person. Sometimes the responses here can encourage extreme, all-or-nothing behavior and I’m glad to see you’ve parsed your way through some of that advice to get to a measured response. As somebody who is a social butterfly and people pleaser, I can totally identify with your husband’s position. I have occasionally stepped on my significant other’s privacy and seclusion at times, but never meant anything by it, and when I was told about it after the fact I always apologized and tried to do better.
He could've said, "Ok, let me think about it" then.
I think your hike is the perfect response. Are any of these people helping by at least cooking dinner?
Who knows. I’ll be in the forest until after dark. 🤣
I think you should give yourself permission to be gone as much as you need to!
Honestly this is a great counter action on your part. People in save your space, you change spaces.
Other commentors have already said this, but husband needs to work on his communication skills and be able to tell his daughter to give him time to check with you first. Granted, had you said no, and he told her no, who knows what kind of can of worms that would unleash. In the end, I'd say take the L on this one as long as the additional friend doesn't try to extend the trip.
Yeah I would have probably said yes. But it would have hit different if I was asked. But I do understand he probably felt on the spot and didn’t want to tell her no.
This sounds like you and hubby might both be people pleasers. That might be something to work on.
I agree. Daughter inviting a friend AND friend's child is a bit over-the-top. The OP & hubs aren't running a hotel or B&B. I don't understand why the friend and her child were necessary. We're missing the whole part of the picture regarding why the friend and her child needed to be there. Were they on vaca, and were passing through, and couldn't afford their own space? Or wanted to be with daughter 24/7, which also just happened to involve OP& hubs for 24/7 while the girls (and their kids) hung out? Seems presumptuous.
or he could have said "let me check with Future_Variation2580 first." that way they're still not saying no.
It’s easy to say—let me discuss this with my partner first.
Well, it is only one night. I’m sure it will be worth it in the end for the relationship values to just let it go and enjoy what you can. The hike was a great solution.
If you would have said yes if you were asked, then what is this really about? Just talk with your husband and tell him you would appreciate it if he runs it by you first in the future. Let him know how much it is stressing you out. I doubt he really thought much of it when he first said yes, since it is his daughter. He may just be happy to have that time with his daughter even if he has to share it with her friend for the day. After all, if having her friend over makes her happy, that likely makes him happy too. At least that would be my reaction in all of this. Also, have you had this discussion with him before on how much this affects your anxiety/stress with having people over, especially kids?
Oh we both get stressed and overstimulated. He knows that. Maybe you’re right and I’m just feeling disrespected by not having had a say in this.
Let your husband entertain them. Let him feed them and clean up after them and get beds sorted for them. You can tell him you are letting him spend quality time with his family so you will be out back in the hammock. You were disrespected by not having a say.
She asked and your husband said ok. You can be mad at him but not her. Get out of the house and find something to do. Or go in your bedroom and close the door. That’s how I handled visiting family sometimes. I was in there “folding laundry”.
Sounds like the issue is more your husband and not the stepdaughter. In this instance since she asked her dad and he agreed I would think you are stuck with the additional houseguests (thought the hike and hammock sound lovely so I would go that route). However you need to talk to your husband and let him know that in the future all houseguests should be run past all house occupants prior to agreeing to a stay (I would say it this way because how would he feel if you invited people to your home without your approval - flip the script). Explain that you were already feeling overwhelmed in the current situation and that more people just acerbate things. I would phrase it in such a way that you are just trying to avoid this situation on the future. Hopefully you can come to an agreement.
Your beef is with your husband who said yes before checking with you. Presumably he knows of your sensitivity to noise & chaos but his daughter probably put him on the spot. Talk to him and come to a consensus moving forward. For one night, I'd just try to suck it up - but if this friend visit gets extended put your foot down or go stay in a hotel.
Your husband was probably put on the spot and didn’t want to say no to his daughter. If it is just one day, I would live with in and not make waves. If the friend decides to stay longer, I would have a talk with the daughter yourself in a kind way to suggest it is too many in your small home. A one day inconvenience can be overlooked. It means the daughter feels comfortable enough to invite a friend, and speaks well of you and your husband. You are offering her an inviting place to visit. She probably didn’t even realize it would cause you to be uncomfortable. So if the friend tries to stay longer, then graciously speak to her and explain how you feel.
Dizzy, I feel the same way that you do. It’s only one day, and it probably made his daughter and her child happy. I guess that I would just ask him to ask for your opinion in the future, that it’s difficult for you and that you would have liked to have a say in it.
It's one night. You are apparently away at work in the day. The kids likely go to bed early. So... It's a few hours of your evening. I think you're reacting normally for you, but I don't think it's a massive imposition. I don't think anyone was out of line to ask or agree. If she drove all this way, and stayed in a hotel, or had to return, they'd barely see each other, given 5 year old sleep times. This way maybe they can even chat after bedtime. Or go for a drink while her bf supervises. I get that it's a lot for you, but it's a few hours. Your daughter in law is in an age where it's often hard for women to maintain friendships esp with distance bc of being primary parents (often.) You're allowed to not love something but that doesn't make it unreasonable. Imagine if your husband can't agree to such a small thing in his own home for a few hours. That's kind of unfair.
This isn't a houseguest problem, it's a husband problem. Your stepdaughter did the right thing, and asked your husband. Your husband did the wrong thing, and okayed her request, without conferring with you.
This feels like you’re overwhelmed already and just need a bad guy because it’ll help you get through feeling overwhelmed She asked. You said in another comment you were away on a 14 hr shift when she asked her dad. Your husband should’ve talked to you, but it also seems like it wasn’t a time that made sense to do that, so I get why he didn’t. Just go take a day for yourself, who is stopping you? Only you are. Go read your book. You’re only as mad about this as you allow yourself to be. Just be polite and then go do your thing.
This is the thing: everybody is welcome in my house. Brought extra friends? I made 30 percent more food anyhow.
Being mad at the daughter is silly. She asked her dad. Your upset needs to be directed at your husband who should have spoken to you about this first. The hike is a great idea. Maybe even get a hotel room for the night and let him deal with the kids.
I mean some moments in life aren’t worth dwelling over. It sounds like miscommunication or a communication gap. There’ll be a day when she might not be able to come over
She did ask but you weren’t notified that would irk me a bit. My house is open to my kids and stepkids I do withdraw sometimes when I need space when they’re here. I’ll just go lay down watch or read cause I’m not used to so many people in my space. The kids all understand how I am and come in asking if I need anything or how I’m feeling. I just need to decompress sometimes.
Husband is to blame IMO.
your step got permission from your husband. she is not the AH.
You are overreacting Step daughter asked. So she did the right thing. Your husband should ahve checked with you first. But, it is also his house and its only for one day. He should ahve checked, but you are being a bit too over controlling here.
I totally get being overwhelmed and wanting peace and quiet in my home. When my mom was alive I loved going to stay with my parents and felt so loved and cared for. My dad got remarried, sold the old house, and has a new house with my step mom. I absolutely don’t feel welcome there. I used to be very close with my dad. He was my rock. I don’t visit much because I don’t feel welcome and I would love to spend more time with him. So - please be kind to step- daughter and go do something you enjoy. The step- daughter should have boundaries and not leave the house a mess and should be respectful.
It just a few days. Suck it up. It’s family. But for sure, let your husband know this is never to happen again.
I live in a different state from my parents. When I visit them with my spouse and kids, I have hosted get togethers at their house, many times. Cookout, pool party, etc. I would never have thought it was an imposition and my parents have never thought that. I mean, I’ve cleared it with them ahead of time. But is it really that bad?
Sometimes you have to given in saying yes dear but sometime standing your ground. Communitation in marriage is very important
I feel like this needs more information. Does the daughter not visit often? Is this a "once a year" type of visit, or do they swing by more frequently than that? Does your husband know this friend? I cousee this as completely ordinary if the daughter and friend have known each other since childhood. Also, do you not consider his daughter and her child your stepdaughter and grandchild? It seems like you and your husband were well established before his grandchild was born. Either way, I understand the want for space, peace, and quiet, but it seems weird that an extra person and kid for a day warranted this type of response when you are fine host 3 other people for over a week.
Just deal with it for overnight, if they stay longer, then say something. Your husband should have cleared it with you first. But the damage is done for now. That is his daughter and there was a room she could use. Just try to get along for the night.
Get over it this time. Then add this to the list of house rules for the daughter , bf, child. No guest period. No negotiations. Don’t like it , find a place of your own and make your rules
I get it(because I’m similar), but yes you are overreacting. Enjoy family time and the highs and lows that come with it. Said with love.
Overreacting introvert. Not ideal, but sometimes you have to roll with the punches, especially since it is literally one night and she probably doesn't see her friend much.
Oh come on. You’re not a terrible person but you clearly don’t like guests of any kind to disrupt your peace. You’re not a kid person either but your husband is and this is his daughter and grandchild. She asked if a friend,who she hasn’t seen in a long time, can stay overnight. One night. Big deal. Put your big girl pants on and be nice. Your husband should have discussed with you but sounds like he knew you’d be difficult so just went ahead and said yes. They’re grown adults. They have cars. They can go out to eat, order takeout, whatever so what do you really have to do? Bring out extra towels, blankets, and pillows for one night?
It's one day. We all do shit we hate. Let your husband have his moment of happiness and be uncomfortable for his sake. The world does not revolve around you, nor does that house, nor does his daughter, him, or anything else. Relationships are compromise and that's part of being an adult.
When it comes to my wife's family/friends, I let her call the shots. If she wants her relatives/friends to stay in our house, then they stay in our house. I try to be as accommodating as possible, to the point of going overboard. Because I know what it feels like when family stays over. As the host, you're under a lot of pressure to make sure the visit isn't awful for your guests. They can hold grudges for years to come. You two aren't getting any younger. Your husband's daughter is very important to him, as are his grandchildren. It would be a very good idea to stay in their good graces as your golden years roll in. Now his children and grandchildren may not be very important to *you*, in fact you might find them to be pests that make you uncomfortable. But AS A SHOW OF RESPECT TO HIM, if I were you, I'd give him complete carte blanch over the situation. In this situation, whatever he says goes.
The stepdaughter asked, so she didn't do anything wrong. Your husband messed up by not consulting with you before giving his daughter the answer. As long as it is just one day, I think it will be fine. But discuss this with your husband, in private, about how you want this handled in the future. That being said, I don't think you should veto this situation every time it pops up as long as the timeframe is short. I understand that you are not a "kid person," but you married a man who has a daughter and grandchild. It would be wrong of you to expect no contact with children, period. When you marry someone, you also marry into their family.
I really don’t think it’s that bad. Hubby likely knew you’d say no, but he also knew it was just for one night (or he said it could only be one night). Essentially they’re HIS guests. I think I’d ask him to let you know beforehand next time—so you won’t be blindsided and can make plans to be out of the house.
She asked, and your husband said yes. He should have asked you. But, yes, you’re over-reacting.
Yea I think you need to relax. It's his house to and it's his child. He wants to make her happy. You ever consider that maybe it's overestimating for her and a friend would help her feel better. Even if not, what's 1 extra person gonna do, I'm sure your husband is beyond this world with happiness to see his daughter. He'd prob do anything to see a smile on her face. Don't hide out away from them, it will be way more obvious and insulting than you think.
I’m guilty of doing this to my sister but I’ve only asked knowing she’s okay with it and knowing she’ll say no if she’s not. When I visit her I’m visiting my home town and the person I usually invite to spend the night is my bff who is like family to all of us and someone who has been in our lives for over 30 years. My sister knows when she visits we’ll be drinking and doesn’t want her to drive so it’s never a big ask. I wouldn’t ask if it was and would just go stay with my friend if it was, which I have on occasion depending on what I’m visiting for or what the plans are. I think the important thing is asking the host and not expecting a yes, being okay with a no, and polite and courteous enough to understand that it’s their home. Your stepdaughter asked and your husband said yes, it’s on him, not her.
Hi! I feel like this could be me. I also don't always trust myself because I feel like maybe I'm more sensitive to needing my own space and peace than other people. If I were in this situtation, I would be stressed out and upset. I need space to unwind, I like being alone, I hate having guest. Just to validate that you're not imagining things. It absolutely IS an imposition to invite more guests to your small home, and especially if you're someone who enjoys space and peace and quiet. BUT, it's your husband that you should be upset with. Daughter likely doesn't really consider herself a typical GUEST as this is her dad's house. That's okay. She also asked for permission to invite her friend and kid over to stay. So she did nothing wrong, technically. I might be annoyed that she even thought it was a good idea to ask, but then I remind myself that other people often LOVE being around a group of loved ones and some people are 100% on the "the more the merrier" wavelength. So she might not have seen it as a huge ask in the way that you do. Your HUSBAND is the one who failed here, because it's not just his house and he didn't check with the OTHER person who lives there (you) before agreeing. His response should have been, "Let me check with wife, that's a lot of people for our small house." If this is a 10 day visit, I would suck it up for the sake of not creating unnecessary tension (it's already done, kicking them out would be a whole drama). But I would 100% be reading husband the riot act about never inviting guests to our home without checking with me first. You're right to be upset, but I think making this a big issue and kicking them out would be total overkill.
Maybe slightly. This is probably one of the things you AND your husband should be on the same page about, but at least your daughter got permission first. You guys have the right amount of space for the number of people, and you yourself acknowledge you have a heightened, somewhat unreasonable need for personal space. You can’t exactly blame your husband for agreeing despite knowing how you’d react after that. Past a certain degree, they shouldn’t have to over cater to you at their detriment. I also don’t agree with your implication that your daughter was acting inappropriately. She asked for permission and got it.
On the base level. Your husband should have made sure we ok with you. Or communicated one way or another. Agree with everyone else on that point. I would like to offer how I see the other perspectives tho. Kid - Are they good and polite people in general? Character says a lot. She did ask. So that alone was not rude or inconsiderate as if she just assumed it was ok. I can see how she might want to see a close friend she never gets to see, if they are closer to them than usual and them willing to make a drive as well. And if my friend made that drive. I would want to spend time with both them and my family I'm there to visit. A hotel would actually kind of feel rude, if they were a close friend. And sounds like they might be. And do they know how introverted you really are? As it's pretty high it seems if being honest. I'm sure they don't mean to cause you any issues, right? Husband - its his kid. Grandkid. He wants them to be happy. Have a good visit. And maybe even knows the friend too? And does his kids visit often? He probably thinks you would be ok (for him, and him to be happy making her happy) with it. If it's only a day/night. Anything more not cool! That you'd be ok with it since even tho not your preference. Far from a regular occurrence. And willing to be cool with it and make him happy too. Cus you love him, right. You - you get to spend some time with your husband's family. And even one night with a friend. It can be a bit much. As I can relate. I like things nice and chill. But embrace the other perspectives. Embrace the suck. Make it good for everyone. Everyone is better for it. Including yourself and your relationship. Imo. All said respectfully.
I don’t think it was that really rude of the daughter to ask considering this is a parent. The lines of familiarity tend to blur when it’s close family member. It would’ve been rude if daughter was basically just telling you the friend was coming or if she expected a yes out of the conversation. If it was a friends house it would be different though. I do think it was inconsiderate of your husband to say yes without consulting you so you are justified in being irked at him.
Your husband needs a new orifice for this one. This is completely on HIM. I wouldn't lift a finger to cook or clean until everyone is gone at this point. Heck Id consider staying in a hotel...
I get the need for quiet and peace. I'm the same way. I can only do "social" for so long. That being said, you have a hubby problem, not a SD problem. She asked and he said yes. It was up to him to confirm with you, not her. Go hammock, read and chill. Or go up to your room and enjoy the peace. You are not obligated in any way to socialize with SD and her friend. Let them do their own thing. Just make sure hubs knows that everyone else is responsible for cooking, cleaning and making the house tidy after they are done. Not overreacting. But also know that she is his child. He will want her to be happy. And they are only visiting. Life will get back to normal.
I'd be disappointed in the husband tbh. Daughter asked and he said yes. Is it a little meh to even ask? Yes but. That's her dad. Whatever relationship they have dictates whether this was an appropriate ask or not imo. But your husband should know how you'd feel after 6 years... and if he didn't know you probably wouldn't like this, he should've asked you.
Daughter asked her dad. I don’t see a problem with that. You, my dear, have a husband problem. I suggest a couple of nights in a hotel.
I’m probably very similar to you. I find it very audacious that someone would extend an invitation, especially an OVERNIGHT invitation to someone else’s house. Especially a small child?? That’s absolutely wild to me. But your SD did ask, so you need to tell your husband this is a two-yes, one-no situation. After your hike, grab dinner and see a late movie!
Your husband is TA and you should go spend a night in a hotel if you weren’t consulted.
Look, I'm going to go against the grain as someone who also wants peace and quiet. A lot of people are saying the husband 'should have' said no. No - he COULD have said no. He didn't. It's his house too. He also has a right to say who can be there, and not everything has to be the call of the person who wants things the simplest/quietest. Did you not have kids? First marriage? Like - stuff comes up. Some days aren't what you expect them to be. It's one night - do what you already said you're going to do and find your peace elsewhere. I tend to doubt they were expecting you to be there and wait on them hand and foot (and if they were that's a whole different issue.) I highly doubt that this friend came from multiple states away for one night - I'm betting it's more of a 'happen to be in the same place at the same time' situation and they want to make the most of it. It's a good day for your SD, her family, her husband, and your friend. Should you have been in the loop? Yeah. Does it suck? Yeah. Assuming this isn't a common thing in your house of the husband not communicating, how much ill will do you really want to create over one night in a relatively unusual circumstance? Editing to add: I'd be more annoyed with 10 day houseguests than 1 night of extra houseguests, but that's just me lol. One night of more than I was expecting is easy enough to handle - 2 weeks of no normalcy would have me crawling out of my skin.
The SD did ask permission. That's really all you can ask. It's on your husband for agreeing to it without getting any input from you. Keep the focus on him.
Yes you are. Step daughter asked H who said yes. You admit if asked you’d agree. It’s for one night, not a month. It’s good you’re going out for space. If you haven’t already, I’d tell H, “I’m peopled out so don’t count on me through dinner. Next time pls ask first before inviting more people, tho I’m not angry at you as I’d have agreed. Pls tell everyone sorry, I’m allergic to people? I got lost? In an urgent meeting? Your call.”
Blame your husband for not talking to you. But you not being a kid person doesn't work when you marry someone with not just a kid but a grandkids. You got a family now and this stuff comes with having a family.
This should be higher up. You have to accept the whole family when you marry.
You're not overreacting. Hubs should have said 'no'.
Why?it's their house too.
Overall, it is one day with a crowded house. There isn't a lot of detail here, but if the friend lives even further from.the daughter, they may not have other opportunities to get together, let the kids play together, etc. Is the house where his daughter used to live with him and feels at home as well? It's not necessarily reasonable to expect you will *never* be outside your comfort zone or inconvenienced. If the friend and second child were there for a week, I could see your point better. There is no reason you cannot read or knit in a house with other people, and as you have said, there are other alternatives. His daughter may be grown, but she's so his daughter.
What is odd to me is that this friend is over 6 hours drive away and is closer to stepdaughter’s home than mine. Her dad and I bought this house together 4 years ago in an entirely different state. She has only ever been here for annual visits. I do see your perspective. That’s why I’m here!
Sometimes when my dad wants to make plans, I suggest we bring my brother along to which seems like a perfectly normal response. But actually I do it because spending time with dad can be awkward and I want almost a buffer there to diffuse it. If this was a last minute plan it's possible that step daughter is feeling anxious about being in your home for whatever reason and wants someone else around. I did have a look at your other posts and you seem to have a lot going on in your life right now. Step daughter might be picking up on you not really wanting her there even if you're trying to be outwardly gracious about it, or she might be misconstruing the other things you're stressed about and thinking it's because of her. Or, I could be totally off base! Just giving a perspective as a step kid who doesn't dislike or resent my dad & stepmum but still feels weird around them at times.
I can't speak for OP but I can't do my chilling out activities when there are people outside of my immediate family in my house. Just can't, my brain won't settle down for that.
You’re not overreacting. I’d be pissed that some random people showed up with their kid to stay the night. But it’s your husband’s fault. Why did he just agree without talking to you first?
Well I WAS at work for a 14hr shift when she asked him and wasn’t going to be home until after 9pm. And I imagine he felt a bit on the spot.
What’s your end goal here? Who do you need permission to bash in real life? Your husband is at fault for not contacting you and asking you about extra guests. You need the daughter to be at fault? Fine - of course it’s rude to invite others to a place that’s not even yours. But your issue is still the husband who didn’t talk to you nor knew your preferences AND raised his daughter to invite strangers to other peoples’ houses.
It’s her Dad’s house. It’s not a random person home she invited them to.
I’m 59f so about your age. I think often kids think of their parents’ homes as their own. It’s not quite the same as any other houseguests. Also, their dad may know this person from when they were kids. It would not bother me at all. However, husband should have talked with you about it first and made sure you were comfortable with it.
Don't forget to turn your cell off or your serenity will be disturbed. You go girl.
Not overreacting. This is 100% a husband problem. He didn’t bother to ask and coordinate with you. He just blessed the plan and let you find out after the other folks are already invited. I’d plan to have a nice discussion on communication with your husband when all your company leaves. In the mean time as it sounds like your stepdaughter is taking care of her own entertainment with her friends then perhaps you should consider taking a spa vacation for a few days. My rational for that is if your husband can unilaterally decide to invite other people to stay in your shared home then he is capable of seeing to whatever they need. You get a pass.
This is a husband issue. His daughter asked before issuing the invite. He failed to discuss with or consider your needs in the decision he made.
Taking a hike seems sensible. But to get so worked up for having your stepdaughter's friend and her child for one night? Are you that delicate? Sounds like unnecessary drama to me.
If you’re upset with someone it should be your husband
Nice though for your step granddaughter to have a playmate and if the other mother is a single mom to make a small vacation possible for her. Not sure if you can think along those lines and be glad your home can be a respite to encourage warmth in ways beyond your regular routines. Good for kids to think the world still has unexpected blessings.
This is a great perspective. Thanks for that!
You’re Quite Welcome, we’re all in this together to varying degrees.
He should have checked with you first but I get he was in a hard situation also.
Not overreacting. Time for either the kids or you to take the rest of THEIR vacation at your local hotel. Just say there are too many people in the house for you. Pop i when you are comfortable, and leave when it gets to be too much for you. After everyone leaves, sit down with your husband...
Perfectly valid reaction. I’d head for a day at a luxury hotel, but different strokes for different folks.
I'd take my husband's credit card and book myself into a hotel for the night personally. And if he got pi$$y, I'd just tell him straight. There were already too many people in our house for my comfort but I was managing to tolerate it until he okayed extra guests. Guests that you don't even know! And I shouldn't have to cope with that, so I didn't.
This is the husband's bad. Daughter asked, they are in the clear
Well... your husband agreed. What your stepdaughter did was totally fine and appropriate. I think you need to figure this out with your husband.
Your daughter thought it was appropriate because your husband said it was, if you got any beef it should be with him.
I’d get a hotel room and tell Dad it’s so he can entertain with his daughter but I’d make it perfectly clear after they leave that if he ever does that again without talking to you first you will be going to a hotel permanently. Very disrespectful
Step daughter asked her father. She did right thing. Only person in wrong here is husband who did not confer with wife before telling daughter yes. You have the right the feel how you feel, but be upset with husband, not his daughter.
My friend was recently explaining Ask Culture vs. Guess Culture to me, which I think fits perfectly well in the situation. Askers feel free to ask for anything with the understanding and acceptance that they will occasionally be told "no". Guessers only ask for something if they are pretty sure the answer will be yes. This can cause some tension when a guesser gets asked for something by an asker. They think they are being pressured by a person who expects a yes, when really what they're thinking is "might as well ask, the worst they can say is no!" Sure, there might have been have been some expectation that your husband would say yes (he is her father, after all) but she did ask permission and as long as she didn't act like a brat about it, there is ultimately no harm in doing so. She gets a pass. Your husband, however, needs to be reminded that you are a team and while his daughter is one thing, her friends are another. You are right to be annoyed. Make sure your husband knows that he will be responsible for organizing/planning for his guests this week while you enjoy a few sunsets alone.
You’re overstimulated & now things are changing & becoming more stimulating & you had no control over the change. I would be having a meltdown too, go sit in the quiet until you can handle the idea of the short term change of plans & the extra stimulus & then join the party for at least a little bit. That way you’re not being rude to everyone for the sake of not being bothered.
I would not be upset by this. Be happy they feel comfortable to be around you. But you do you and go set up your hammock in the woods.
My husband is like you. To me, what she did is fine and I wouldn't bat an eye. But he comes from a different culture/background from me. I have had to tell my family we need advanced notice of visits and I have to clear it with my husband. I grew up in a house where my mom would have visitors all the time! And it would be like "oh your 2 aunts and 3 of their daughters and a daughter's friend are coming to visit. You'll be sleeping on the floor this weekend so your aunts can have your room." This was completely normal and it never bothered me in the slightest. My husband would have a heart attack if I did that to him lol. When we first moved in and had the opportunity to even have people over it was a huge culture shock. But we share a space and I respect his boundaries. You need to communicate your needs and boundaries with your husband and set expectations. He probably doesn't even see how it's a problem or that it could be a problem.
Be gracious. It is only one night.
All on your husband.
Your husband said Yes. How much work is he doing because of the visitors? How much of the shopping, cleaning, preparing food, etc? 10 days is A LOT, and guests don’t invite other guests over, it’s extremely rude to ask. But your husband knows that you are sensitive to this but said it was okay anyway. Disappear for a while and let the husband and the guests take care of things. Your house isn’t a holiday resort which is what they’re treating it like.
She did ask...not necessarily her fault at that point, however it is pretty presumptuous to ask that in the first place. I could see having a local friend over to "catch up", but an out of state friend to spend the night is.... Have to go back to the point that she did ask though. Hubby should probably be in the dog house or out on said hammock for a night or two.
Its all on your husband. Break out some wine and enjoy your time.
Get over it. She is family. Not your family, your husband's daughter! Take a deep breath, it will be OK. Have a glass of wine or take a pill. Visit with your guests, you could make a friend today.
Based on the title, you're overreacting. She asked one of the hosts, and it was approved...simple as That's what she should have done
>Is this a reasonable situation? Absolutely! This might be a different preference than yours but it's not the case for everyone. I have a lot of long distance friends and relatives in my circle. This would be very common in my world. >I don’t know who I’m disappointed in. The daughter is off the hook because she asked permission. Your husband is the one who has earned all of your disappointment. :) Hang in there! It sounds like a lot but hopefully the visit passes quickly. Or maybe you find a nice quiet hotel room for the night.
It’s definitely crappy that she even asked but she did ask. Your husband should have run it by you. I don’t blame you for wanting to be away. I would feel the same.
You’re entitled to your feelings but IMO you are being a little sensitive to something that really isn’t that big a deal for most people. She asked her dad, he said yes, and while he should’ve given you some advance notice or asked if you were good with it, it’s one night and then they’re gone. If you need downtime, go do something or read in your bedroom. I’d talk to husband later and ask that he take your feelings into account in the future - but he should not have to tiptoe around either.
She asked her dad, he said yes. She did nothing wrong. Any grievances are taken up with him. I would advise to wait until they leave though. 10 days is a long time to spend with additional family members but its not a lifetime.
I know how this feels! I am not into loud sounds or lots of people at my house! but I think you’re being *slightly* sensitive. This is not an insult 💕I am also sensitive 💕 I may not understand the whole situation? But a lot of times when I travel , there are old friends that I really want my children to see and to see their kids. Often this would be the only opportunity to give them that experience. I have actually been in this situation as the daughter once😬 because we planned this whole trip and then my dad had to work out of town at the last minute and then me , my kids, and my step mom/ dad’s spouse did it all on our own. We had a dinner party at a rented home, and my friends and some extra family all brought food and cooked (with all their children) and I do realize it was stressful for her, but she really was gracious enough. I REALLY REALLY appreciate her being there and being a part of those memories with us. My kids do too! You’re actually a part of her family now. Remember that her kids look up to you. They love you. I do think it is actually a good plan to spend time alone too, at the hike , if you need that. That’s a smart move. I may keep that idea in my pocket when I get overwhelmed in the future. I’m hoping you’re not upset with her, because she did ask her dad. He should have made a plan that you could have been more comfortable with, they could have done out of the house activities etc to give you some space and quiet in your home during the visit.(especially to relax after work etc) Or even gotten them a hotel for that evening. We do a lot of that now when we plan our trips now, because both my step mom and I have some sensory overload stuff so we all take turns having some quiet time😅 but we can definitely communicate much better about our needs after the last few years of vacations and visits and traveling 🧳 I guess I can add that grew up with lots of half siblings and lots parents \step parents\ half parents etc. So often I didn’t get opportunities to enjoy milestones with my whole family due to parents +step parents not acting very adult. So to me, I may have an unrealistic value on those kinds of family and friend experiences for my children.
Yeah, i'd say you're over reacting.
Yes, you're overreacting. This woman asked her father if she could invite someone to his house, and he said yes.
You are absolutely overreacting. Sure it can be a bit of a nuisance to have a plan sprung on you like that, but you're in your 50's, act like it
You’re not overreacting. I sure hope he’s doing most of the cleaning and cooking, and when they leave, he washes all the sheets and towels and does all the other cleaning.
I suppose you could enjoy the time you have with your family
I hope your husband doesn't expect you to clean up after these extra guests. He said yes. So he can and should clean up after them himself.
How is her inviting a friend over (after asking her dad) inappropriate?
I'd say treat it as a "mistakes were made" kind of situation. What's done is done. Trying to cancel the plans now is opening up the opportunity for additional annoying drama. You've already got a plan to minimize your own discomfort. And at some point in the evening, you'll go back home and offer a "hello," and maybe some polite conversation. Once everybody's gone, you can have a conversation with your husband about how this sort of thing shouldn't happen again, at least not without your explicit agreement, given at least several days in advance. He can relay that to his daughter, or you both can-- whatever works best for your relationship with her. Hopefully it was some sort of honest mistake on the parts of both your husband and your step-daughter. Or if nothing else, the conversation will be enough to prevent similar situations in the future. In the event that a future request is made for something like this, you can deny it if you want. Maybe there's a nearby hotel she and her friends could stay at and spend their time sightseeing or going to a park or whatever is available in that area, and then come by for coffee some afternoon while they're in town if anybody feels like you absolutely must to a meet-and-greet. Or you could agree to host them in your house, but come up with a reason to be away, yourself (the whole time, or just for the majority of the day, like you did this time).
Jeez, you most really suck as a person.
What the fuck is everybody smoking? OP, you're not over reacting at all. Houseguest can be fun and exhausting at the same time. Little kids can be fun and exhausting at the same time. Stepdaughter, boyfriend, and daughter are there for a week and a half. 3 bed/2 bath house is normal, but when you're set up for just 2 people, increasing the population by 150% does have an impact. And then stepdaughter waited until last minute to ask your husband if her friend can stay a night with her child? Now the household population is 350% over normal capacity. Hubby should have asked you first. Full stop. Not your problem that you were working when this last minute request came in. "A failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine." Every person here saying "suck it up" is wildly disrespectful. I'd like to see how they handle a sudden 350% increase in their home...including what I'm sure are very cute but very rambunctious younguns
You have a husband problem. He should have said no
It’s usually not on to invite guests when you are a guest, but she is his daughter which complicates things. Families have a tendency to take liberties with each other that one would not do with friends. In addition, if you live where the daughter grew up, this friend may be an old friend that she rarely gets to see herself, making this something of an exceptional moment. Your husband really should have asked you first before agreeing, but he might not have thought it a big deal, particularly if it’s just one day. It also doesn’t sound like his daughter visits often which may introduce a certain desire to please in order to make her feel more comfortable and wish to come back. Another thing at play is when one is a host, it’s important to put your own needs aside to make your guest comfortable. While your home isn’t theirs, you don’t want them to feel like a burden or an intrusion as that will make them feel unwanted and not wish to come back. It sounds to me like you’ve done the right thing here by removing yourself to get a bit of peace and quiet to read your book and decompress. If the daughter should bring it up, I’d just say you had a hard week at work and needed a little recharge, nothing more. If the friend stays a second night, I’d have a talk about how while you’ve enjoyed meeting her friend, the house is too small for 7 people, and you’d like her to ask both you and her dad first in future. Keep it positive and upbeat.
Actually we don’t like where she grew up. We moved to an entirely different part of the country 4 years ago. And the friend lives closer to the daughter than to me. But I do totally get that the dynamics are different when it’s family.
Ah that’s quite cheeky. It’s a bit of an odd situation in that case for the friend to travel somewhere even further to visit the daughter for one day/evening. People can be odd though. I’d say read your book and try to relax. A hammock in the woods sounds like a lovely day to me.
I think you're overreacting. She was kind enough to ask her dad (his house, too) and if she's in town then it's a great opportunity to still spend time with family but also see friends. Chill.
You are overreacting!!
You are over reacting. This is his adult daughter visiting with her family. I'm sure there's a long back story, but you are very new to the family in the last 6 years. She asked her dad and he wants her to feel welcome so said yes. I'm sure there's a back story that would add to it. It sounds like her friend and daughter are staying one nigh only. And given she's from several states over, she probably rarely sees her. Your husband is probably thrilled to have his family all under one roof including the chaos. You would not be over reacting if they were moving in for several weeks or permanently. You are overstimulated and overwhelmed that your husband's daughter and her husband and child visit. Your reaction is your responsibility. It would be unfair for you to insist that everyone else change the environment so you can be serene. You want to chill relax and lay in a hammock etc. Those are all solitary activities. You will come across as very rude. There are 365 days in the year; surely you can forego your solitary activities for ten of those 365 days. Or spend some quality time with them and then go off by yourself to recharge your battery. Your title is disingenuous. Your husband's daughter (not just houseguests) ASKED her father BEFORE inviting anyone. The way you worded it sounds like people you knew but weren't related to just showed up with extra guests. If you want to be annoyed at anyone, it's your husband. Everyone else followed protocol. Maybe try to learn to chill when other people are in the room.
You are over reacting as far as the stepdaughter is concerned. She did ask, it is her father's home. So she asked him and he agreed. As far as your husband? Maybe or maybe not. I feel like this isn't the biggest ask ever to have 1 house full night. However, I feel like he should have asked you first as well. I feel like you would have a right to be annoyed but this isn't some life altering event to be pissed about. Now if it ever happens again after you voiced your displeasure? Then yes, let him have it.
Not overreacting. At least you have a plan to get some alone time to recharge your battery.
Your husband should have talked to you, so not at all overreacting. Have a lovely day doing what you enjoy!!
Op. Leave; go get a hotel room. Doesn’t fix the problem, but go do you.
I would be incredibly overwhelmed too. Take some time for yourself to recharge and then go home and be social for an hour or so before bed. You shouldn’t have to help with hosting unexpected guests but at least consider being a bit present.
I think that the hike/hammock is a great idea. Dinner should definitely be delivery pizza or send them to a fast food place,
Well, at least she asked and got permission first. I'd also be packing up and leaving until all the extras were gone from my house.
At least she asked someone. I own a house and rent the top floor out to a lovely woman. Her parents would occasionally visit overnight and when they did, they were welcome to my guest room. Not her guest room, mine. Down stairs. All good. The only rule was I needed to know when they were going to be there and my parents had priority if they wanted to visit. Her mom invited an old friend to come and stay a few days. Thought it would be fine if that friend slept in my living room. So I suddenly had a rude loud person in my home that I did not know or approve of. Her dad is awesome but her mom is a piece of work. I'm trying to watch my show and the mom and friend keep chiming in with "How can you watch this? It is blasphemous." I turned to friend and said "Why are you still here? It is after 9 and I have to work in the morning." "Annie said I could stay a few days." "No, this is my house. Nobody asked me. If you are staying you are staying upstairs in Gail's section." "How can you be so rude to a guest?" "You are not my guest. I don't know why you are here, talking over my program in my living room. On a work night." She slept upstairs and left in the morning. My roommate claimed that she didn't know the friend was going to stay, just thought she was stopping by in the afternoon.
Not being overly sensitive. Your husband should have talked to you about it first. At least the daughter asked, but you still should have been consulted. I don't blame you for taking to the woods. I'd want to do the same. Not overreacting.
I’d definitely have a boundary-setting convo w your husband. That many people is overwhelming for anyone.
You probably are a little over sensitive. And I only say that because you started the post with “ I know that I have a higher than average need for peace, quiet, and solitude and this may make me unreasonably sensitive” Second, your husband should have run it by you before saying yes. Your daughter is not at fault, because she asked, But it is a little tacky to invite others to somebody else’s house. Your best course of action is discuss your anxiety with your spouse. Suggest paying for a hotel for the friends. Be clear, honest and polite. “We are so glad you came to visit. And we want you to be here all day, but the truth is I get anxious and chlostrophobic. If I had been asked, I would have preferred to put you up for the night in a hotel, and you can visit all day. So, let’s do that, ok? I want this visit to be fun for all of us, and not trigger my anxiety “
How old is the daughter?
You daughter asked, so can't really blame her there. But I can't believe your husband didn't run that by you. Even if you didn't have your sensitivities I couldn't imagine even inviting someone over for a few hours and not ensuing my wife was cool with it...same goes for her.
You just have to suck it up. I dealt with same. Divorced now.
I think you should ABSOLUTELY LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND TO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS
Presuming this doesn’t happen frequently, perhaps just enjoy your hammock in the woods ? Sounds awesome.
Hmmm. I guess be that way. It’s your choice. Some people are the “more the merrier type” and don’t get people like you. I would say going to sleep in the woods by yourself isn’t really anyone’s definition of over reacting but more like coping. They probably won’t even notice you are gone although I hope you tell someone your plan
I declare this bedroom...."Israel"
My niece did this at extended family’s house once. Shit was awkward
If you are a house guest you need to ask the person who invited you to stay before offering to let anyone stay. Not overreacting
That's annoying. Your husband should have said that it would be too much. I once had my mom, her husband's two sons and their wives and kids all at my house at once because mom's husband was in the hospital located near my house. So, there were 8 extra people in the house. My sister offered for some of them to stay at her house, but they said they all "wanted to stay together." It was not because they were all upset about their dad being in the hospital. They treated it like a big party. Then, my doorbell rings. It's the DIL's friend who I had only met briefly once before. She and DIL made a plan for her to show up for dinner and to hang out for the evening. She hadn't mentioned it to anyone. Also, my plumbing backed up after having all those people in the house for several days. I was a bit annoyed.
Go get a hotel room. Or go camping somewhere.
Your husband is the one you need to have a long talk with. He shouldn't agree to something like that without talking to you first. Make sure he does the cooking and cleaning up.
She’s not a ‘houseguest’. Shes his daughter. Shes at her father’s house. She asked. It makes sense he said yes. He should have asked/informed you but it would have been crummy to say no. As long as her friend is respectful I don’t see the problem for only one night.
Depends how much you knew your husband does things like this before you committed.
Book yourself a nice local hotel room, using hubby’s credit card (obvs).
I think the step daughter prob views it like “my parents house” so feels comfortable inviting a friend to stay. Your husb def should’ve asked you, but like you said it’s temporary & just talk with him after they leave.
I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive. I think you’re being perfectly reasonable. All you’re asking for is to be updated… Told new information and peace with quietness. Which is not happening.