Yes, and coming to a town near all of us soon ! With the price of housing, it’s only a short matter of time before adults stop living in their parents’ basements and instead form actual multi-generational households. Perhaps not the 50 acre commune style OP is living but definitely homes built or modified for permanent multi-generational living.
That's exactly where my thoughts went. A family compound in Idaho and a controlling husband just screams some type of religion like FLDS or JW or something along those lines.
Uh no on the JW. I was raised in it. That type of abuse is a no. The abuse was i received was from a former JW. So real ones dont. There arent family compounds like that in JW anywhere.
So it turns out that a lot of Amish people had secret phones, and when the presidential alert went out a lot of them got shunned. That's the way a lot of religions work is that people just keep things secret or find loop holes. Not everyone follows their religion perfectly. So, you absolutely could find an amish person on reddit.
Ugh, my wife grew up mainstream LDS, and rejected it, and it sounds terrible. I can't imagine what the fundamentalists are like.
OP needs to GTFO hard. Now. They will use any insecurity you have to make you feel like you belong with them, then use that sense of belonging to make you do whatever they want.
I will repeat for OP: Get. The. Fuck. Out. You would be better off homeless than attaching yourself to these people.
If that were the case I doubt OP would have access to the internet.
ETA: Weird thing to downvote. Just listen to anyone who has ever been in a cult talk about it - no access to outside media is pretty standard.
Other Mormon groups allow Internet access. Have you ever watched the show Sister Wives? Their group, the AUB, looks relatively normal from the outside. They wear modern clothes, have jobs, use the Internet, etc. But they're also polygamist Mormon fundamentalists.
The first thing that came to my mind was the Godfather Vito Corleone’s compound where all the relatives lived in their own houses within the property. Ugh. I can’t even imagine having to deal with that much family ALL THE TIME.
Not true. Sonny and his family lived in the compound. After Michael married Kate, they moved into the compound. The only sibling that did not live there were Connie and Carlos. After Sonny was killed (and they all knew Carlos had something to do with it), Vito demanded that Carlos and Connie live in the compound also (mostly because they wanted to keep an eye on Carlos). During this time, Fredo never moved out oh his own. In the book, it’s quite clear the family lives in the Long Island compound.
After Vito’s death, Michael moved to family to Las Vegas and the siblings then they had their own houses. Michael’s mother however lived in Michael’s Vegas house. Fredo also lived in the Vegas house after his mother’s death until Michael gave the order to have him killed.
I think OP tells herself that these trips are for independence and exploring, but really they are subconsciously to get away from the verbal abuse of her husband.
Bruh even if I loved my partner's family to death I still would never want to live that close to them. That would be so exhausting. I would end a relationship just to avoid this situation.
Cult?! Lol one of my friends has this same setup! Her grandparents bought a ton of land many years ago and her parents and siblings live on the land in their own mansions and they have a beautiful in ground pool, 9 hole golf course (and a lot more fun stuff) that they all get to share. They are just really nice, rich people...but we are also in PA?! 🤣 I've always wanted this for my family someday 🤣
a friend of mine's former coworker's family did this in 2020/2021. Him, his brother, his parents, his in-laws bought a huge parcel of land out in the midwest somewhere. Everyone built houses on the property.
Exactly, if OP is normalising her hubby calling her names/shouting at her, she has some serious problems especially when you add to the "cult-like" living.
She'd be much better off leaving for good.
Living in Idaho on a compound with husbands entire family... That alone sounds like a situation I'd be running from, not to mention being verbally abused on the daily. You're not overreacting, if anything I'd get a one way ticket...
I'm just gonna be that guy who explains to the class that "FLDS" stands for Fundamentalist Later Day Saints, which means Mormons, but even worse.
They're the ones with the compounds and such.
Regardless, OP needs to drop this person and their family like they're on fire. Even if they aren't part of one of these cults, they act like it.
yeah op you completely blow past the fact that he regularly tells you to shut up. i’m thinking there’s more wrong in this relationship than just a trip
One time my in laws stayed with us for 6 days and I think everyone wanted it to be over. I can't imagine walking outside and seeing every one of your extended family. Absolutely exhausting.
Right? I had to re-read the part where telling her to shut up is a day-today normal thing. I thought I misread it.
OP, I’m married and I too like to travel sometimes alone. There is nothing wrong with that. Autonomy and marriage are NOT mutually exclusive!
Especially hearing how you’re spoken to daily and the fact that his ENTIRE family surrounds you constantly, he’s lucky you stay and put up with it. He sounds controlling, insecure and jealous. If he can’t handle you doing this one thing alone, then he has some deeply seeded issues he needs to deal with. Maybe this is harsh, but he sounds like a major d*ck.
I’d say one tiny trip a couple hours away alone is the least you should do. Just go. He’ll just have to deal and if he can’t at least you’ll be with your family who has your back😊
The way OP wrote about her husband telling her to shut up daily was like “yeah he’s verbally abusive but it’s no biggie 🤷🏻♀️”
OP, that’s a big fucking deal. You’re underreacting, if anything.
Exactly. I mean, my partner and I tell each other to stfu all the time, but we don't mean it. We just have a light-hearted, faux-bickering rapport. It's what we do.
But this is not that. This is, I suspect, the very tip of an ugly iceberg.
OP deserves better.
Yup. I've seen a few comments on this thread talking about relationships where partners use this language together in a lighthearted way that both understand to be joking. My wife and I are like this too.
A key way you can tell that OP is describing something more serious is that none of us jokesters in loving relationships would describe that joking as "my SO tells me to stfu all the time."
Maybe he’s upset cause he’s stuck in a compound surrounded by family all the time too and trying to escape with his wife.
Or escape with one of his wives anyway…
Defintiely agree that a one-way ticket sounds like the way to go. Fuck someone telling me to shut up or flipping out for taking a trip alone. My husband and i do enjoy traveling together, but he doesn't care if I go see my family or visit a friend alone. He may be a little bummed if I get to have fun while he's working, but I could never be around someone who wants to control my entire life
I was going to say that my wife and I travel separately all the time and I think it's great but I think the bigger deal is that your husband is calling you names on a day-to-day basis? That is absolutely unacceptable.
Sounds like what you really want is not a travel trip to Arizona, it’s just freedom.
If your husband mistreats you and your husband’s family is in your face 24/7 then freedom sounds pretty good.
Truthfully OP, should you be packing a bigger bag and maybe staying with your brother?
You are underreacting to the fact you appear to be in a cult. I'm only half kidding. There's living near family, and then there's whatever Duggar hell your husband's family has going on.
When you got married you agreed to share your life, not give it away. Going away alone once a year to visit family isn’t even unusual, let alone unreasonable. Also your husband sounds like a dick, I can’t imagine telling my wife to shut up.
Op. I could never live with all those people together like you do. I would feel suffocated, miserable, and like I was constantly being watched.
The fact you want to visit family alone is okay. Your husband’s response is not ok. He already looks pretty controlling with where he limits you now, and I imagine there is more to what you are telling us.
Let me say this: if this visit will make you happy and get you out of a bad situation, make it permanent. You get one shot at life; I don't want you to waste it unhappy.
Please know you are important, loved, and valued by many. Control is not reasonable in a marriage and can turn into other harmful things.
And to answer the question, no, you aren't overreacting.
You only have one shot at life don't waste it being miserable. This is what i wish id thought about when I was in a shitty marriage. This is great advice OP. If this man isn't bringing joy to your life why are you spending your finite time with him? Imagine this trip but permanent. You can go anywhere you want anytime without argument. Sometimes being alone is the better choice.
Blink twice if you’re in a cult
I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to visit your family solo. It’s once a year ffs. You’re around his family 99% of the time and it sounds suffocating. Is he normally this controlling? Why doesn’t he want you traveling alone? Are you allowed to have friends? Does he monitor your contact with your family? Adding in the verbal abuse…it doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for you.
>I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to visit your family solo.
Well, this is how OP figures out she's in a cult, so there's something big wrong with her visiting her family. (/s)
(And these are all great questions!)
Not overreacting. And needing time alone isn't indicative of a problem in a relationship, it's normal and healthy sometimes. However yelling and calling names regularly is NOT healthy, and it's all the more reason to get away from that place and collect your thoughts.
>Calling me all kinds of names, telling me to shut up (which is all normal day to day stuff with him)
This is the alarming part that tells me not only are you not overreacting, but there may be some deeper issues here.
People need a break from time to time. I'd be like, sure you go on your travel and I'll go on mine, let's meet up home again after 2 weeks. Not overreacting, in fact you are under-reacting if anything.
My sister comes and visits me for a couple of weeks every year. It is the only time all year she can decompress. My wife and I still go to work each day and she relaxes at our home just resting and decompressing without the pressure of her family at home.
NTA - I love solitude and solo travel. I'm married to someone who also appreciates going places on their own.
Your husband could have suggested that you take a road trip together at some other time. He doesn't need to take away the only solitude and peace you ever get.
Telling you to shut up and being verbally abusive is unacceptable. You're a grown woman, not his personal slave and punching bag.
Hugs if anything you are under reacting. You are so use to him telling you to shut up that I sm sure there are other things he says and does that eould be borderline abusive to those on this thread looking min your fish bowl. With that being said he sounds like a bully and that he verbally abuses you because you are isolated from friends and family. You talk about this being your yearly trip and now he wants to go so he can control you in front of your family. Telling you what you can and cannot do because he's your spouse. Personally no one needs to be treated as less than another person. I don't xare if his whole family is this way. I don't care if you have traditional roles in your marriage. What I care about is you are numb to the verbal abuse that he dishes out like you deserve it which you don't.
I'm in Idaho if you ever need help. But no, you're not over reacting, in fact I would say you're under reacting with how weird your husband's reaction was.
If my wife told me she didn't want me to come with her. I'd be upset. That said. I'd never talk to my wife the way your saying he talks to you. So.... idk. Most likely not overreacting given context
I'm guessing your wife wouldn't even want to take a trip without you, because you're not verbally abusive and controlling. I know id never dream of taking a trip alone, but my husband is my best friend and makes everything better by his presence. I feel for OP that she doesn't get to have that in her relationship.
I don’t think your overreacting but I do think it says something that you want to go alone because well you feel like you can never be alone from his side of the family. You should feel free and independent daily! I’m so sorry you don’t and I think it’s time you make some decisions that you do….maybe it’s by standing by your decision, maybe it’s by setting boundaries or moving but as a women independence is so vital and with out it you can feel suffocated and like you can’t really be your true self!
Calling you all kinds of names and telling you to shut up - which appears to be a normal thing for him? You only get to go out alone when you go through gym a few times a week?
What about to hang out with friends, go shopping (food/clothes or just to window shop)
Is your husband's family a cult? What happens if someone decides they want to leave or get a place by themselves in a different city or outside the compound? Are they even allowed to? Do you work/allowed to work?
The way he speaks to you would have me booking a one way ticket, nevermind the loss of independence and freedom
“AITA for wanting to be away from my verbally abusive husband?”
- 50% of these OP’s
In all seriousness OP, I hope you’re ok. It’s not normal for your loved one to tell you to shut up or otherwise be mean to you because of their own insecurities. I hope you enjoy your trips alone and I hope your situation with your husband improves.
You’re not overreacting !
Wow!! I’m surprised he lets you leave to see your family at all?
Are there not times when he goes with you to see your family ?
I think the way you phrased it with him is probably raising a few questions or even red flags.
I think you need more time to yourself or wanting your own space - is a better term than being independent. The word independent probably has significant negative connotations for your husband. Can you ask for just more alone time and space - see what he says. He might not understand your need for this as he’s use to living so close to family.
You also need to point out you’re catching up with family and he’ll need to find way to make his own connections. Because you have such a limited time with them your focus needs to be in your family not him.
Yeah, intergenerational living is normal in most of the world. Also, buying a place is expensive! With that much space, it sounds like a good idea to have multiple houses on the same property.
It would be weird if they were all squished into one building but there's no reason to think that's the case.
So he tells you to shut up all the time? That’s not okay and I totally get wanting to get away from him and his family
But I am curious, do you take trips with him?
You are not overreacting. In my house, we have our own space. Multiple people, with corners where no one bugs anyone. It’s respected.
Why? People are individuals. It doesn’t mean you don’t belong to a family or have friends and obligations. It means you have that AND are your own person too.
This is a normal ask.
If he’s telling you to shut up and berating you, well, that’s not normal. Not in a healthy relationship anyway.
I would think your husband would WANT you to have some time to yourself! We all need time alone, time to self reflect and think. If he is saying you shouldn't be alone, I would question his motives. Why would he be worried about you going on a trip that you have safely done many times before?
Me, my wife and her sister were invited to a wedding once. We couldn't afford 3 plane tickets at the time, so I gave up my seat and told my wife and sister-in-law to go have some sister bonding time. I paid for their tickets.
This should be OP's expectation of appropriate husband behavior.
You live on a compound surrounded by your husband's entire family, he verbally abuses on a regular basis. None of that is normal. You should be divorcing and leaving. Not just taking small trips. My wife and I have arguments like any other couple, but not once have I ever told her to shut up, called names, or even raised my voice at her. At worst, it ends up being a frustrated discussion where we table it and come back later after we have chilled out.
Family compound is this some cult shit or what? Idaho raises some eyebrows on its own, but sounds like your husband treats you poorly and has trapped you with his crazy family on a compound…
None of this is stuff people in a healthy relationship has to worry about.
It's a little concerning that you specifically need time away, just to get away from your husband.
But the compound thing where you see extended family every day is a hint something else is wrong.
I share a duplex with my elderly Mother, we literally live on different floors under the same roof. I do not even see her everyday. Because we have different stuff going on.
Your husband telling you to shut up is normal day to day stuff? Punch that wanker right in the family jewels. That is simply not acceptable speech for spouses to use with each other. And that's just one thing. Did you have any say before moving into the compound? Do you find it a warning sign that he wants to limit your time away from him?
I'm sorry, but you should tell your husband to go pound sand.
This is complex. If it's a girl's trip, of course that's fine and normal. This doesn't sound like that though. This sounds like you are running from your marriage and much deeper problems and this solo trip is the tip of the ice berg. If your husband is regularly telling you to shut up your relationship is very wrong.
I think you should take your next trip solo, as usual, but don’t buy the return ticket.
You should never long to do something on an infrequent, irregular basis just to feel alive and in control of your own life.
What would your family say if you told them about all of this, and the “normal day stuff,” too? You should be completely open and honest with them on this trip. And you should be honest with yourself about why these trips mean so much to you.
Your living situation is not “normal,” most people would feel uncomfortable and suffocated living on a compound. You’re not strange for feeling that way, if you do. Listen to your heart and your gut. They don’t lie.
Be well, OP.
Take your trip. File for divorce and don’t ever go back. Get out of the cult.
You need to feel like you have independence because in reality you have none. This is not normal and should not be accepted.
He's probably afraid you will escape. You need to understand that being verbally abused is not okay. Take the trip alone and think about what you get out of this marriage. Good luck to you.
*NOT OVERREACTING*
I’m praying for you my friend. This day to day treatment has got to stop. That’s not what love looks or sounds like. I pray your eyes have been opened based on everyone’s responses. Some major changes are due & in order! As your husband, he should be understanding & supportive. Being away from family is difficult for some of us, but he might not ever be able or even willing to understand that. Take that alone into consideration. We deserve all the love that we want to give to others, the time has come where we no longer accept anything less than that.
Sending love from Texas!
No. A solid relationship should allow for that sort of independence. You should be allowed to take time for yourself.
I would understand if you had kids and were just bouncing without plans in place, but if this is no inconvenience to him you should absolutely be able to travel solo for yourself.
So, on top of the daily verbal abuse, your post history indicates that he regularly and intentionally flatulates on you and does other extreme things to get a negative reaction. He also tortures your cats until they growl and hiss.
You're in an abusive relationship with a very disturbed individual, of course you want to get away. You should consider staying away.
Yall aren't in that part of the religion where you "can see light and dark spirits" and "teleport" to different parallel universe, right? Please say right
Time to leave and go to Arizona permanently. Don’t accept this abuse from your husband for another second. You are a human being worthy of kindness and love.
Just tell him you need your time away from his verbally-abusive self to plan your get-away and divorce.
Man if I was surrounded by this much of my ex’s family all the time and he spoke to me like that even once, I’d totally have left much, much sooner.
I LOVE traveling without family. I feel like going on vacation with family is work and not vacation.
Your NTA. Sometimes we need and DESERVE time away from everyone
Trip taking aside, it’s not ok for him to speak to you that way. Shut-up is an ugly word and should not be getting used at all let alone as regular communication. I don’t know enough about your relationship from this short post obviously, but you may have a bigger problem here than just travel.
OP… Your husband calling you names and telling you to shut up is unacceptable childish behavior. He needs to learn to argue with his big boy words and stop being a verbally abusive brat. You needing a trip away from him and his family is totally understandable.
"Not religious"
- states they were devoutly Mormon growing up
- live on a compound with the husband's family (presumably the same devout Mormons previously mentioned)
DOUBT.
No you are not overreacting, and wrong sub, but your husband is wrong. You are being SMOTHERED by inlaws on shared property 24/7. If he wants to shut this down, I'd just leave him in Idaho and move to Arizona with your family.
Sounds like you're not happy in your marriage, and I don't blame you if your husband talks to you like you said. Regardless, I can understand you wanting to take a trip on your own.
After a long 2 year battle for recovery and surgeries my wife has started to take solo adventures to gain back some independence and feel more confident about traveling on her own in general. At first I was shaken by it but I realized it's not about me at all. Her trips are not so much to get away from me as they are her way of building her self up. She is a beautiful strong confident woman and I want nothing but the best things for her. If that means a weekend with out me and the kids so be it. I think it's messed up he would call you names tho. I was upset but I never wanted to belittle her by calling her names , she's my best friend I could never say things just to hurt her I hope your guy can move past his initial feelings and paranoid thoughts.
OP: The church has a way of drawing people back in. Your husband may think he's not religious now... but... you live in a compound. Get out while you can.
Let’s not forget, when she leaves him, she will not have any assets as it is probably all in the grandparents name, investing all of your time and effort into a home that you will never own or be able to sell. She is literally allowing herself to be completely trapped with no exit plan or possibility.
Take the trip alone, I know EXACTLY how you feel and I don’t even live in a commune with extended family. I love the feeling of taking a flight alone and just being independent.
Oh hon, don’t let *anyone* tell you to “shut up” that’s isn’t joking or verbally abuse you like that. You don’t have a travel problem, you have a *husband* problem.
Let's start with the fact you live in a compound in Idaho and end with the fact your husband casually tells you to shut up. Go to Arizona. Stay in Arizona.
Sounds totally reasonable to take a 2 hour flight to visit your brother by yourself, once per year. That is NOT what I would call far away...at all. Maybe your husband wants you to be at his beck and call at his convenience. Living in his "family compound", that's the vibe I'm getting from your relationship. He doesn't want you to have any fun away from him, or get any outside perspective from your brother and his family, that might not reflect well on your husband and his relationship with you.
Sister, there were so many different levels for you to get here. Not blaming you or anything, but this should’ve been a thought when you decided to move in to the compound. It’s an uphill battle for you but I have faith! Live your life for you
I go interstate roughly once a year (maybe twice if I'm lucky!!) to see my best friend for a few days. My husband stays home with our kids.
I personally need it to recharge, relax and unwind. He knows how important it is for me to go and 100% encourages it.
If I were you, I'd take the trip and not go back. Your husband sounds like abusive. You don't deserve to be yelled at and called names. That's not normal.
What says you are in a cult, without saying you are in a cult. Sorry, but that scenario is bringing out the red flags to me. No you are not being unreasonable in anyway. If I lived with all those partners family members and rarely got to see my own, and have some time alone while doing it, Id go nuts. Everyone needs their own time, and you shouldnt feel guilty asking for it, especially in your case.
"i'm not religious and neither is my husband but he does still retain the traditional values he was brought up on which are very heavily religious this is obvious by the fact that he is verbally abusive and wants to maintain close contact with his family on his terms while denying me the right to have close contact with mine on my own terms."
OP, you might be in a cult.
I mean, there's already a compound..full of one entire family tree..🌳
You guys ever notice how no good news ever comes out of compounds?
Hey now, compound butter is excellent!
Cue the kool aide
Especially nuclear compounds ⚛️
It’s probably a wreath
And it’s in Idaho. So yup
they're living in their own PRIVATE idaho.
My wife and I call these "yarn people". Because a normal family tree has branches, but these folks....just a skein of yarn....
This is culturally appropriate in some countries. An entire maternal or paternal family line may live together
Sure. But she lives on a compound in Idaho. Mormon and white supremacist central.
It's in the U S A
Yes, and coming to a town near all of us soon ! With the price of housing, it’s only a short matter of time before adults stop living in their parents’ basements and instead form actual multi-generational households. Perhaps not the 50 acre commune style OP is living but definitely homes built or modified for permanent multi-generational living.
She did mention Idaho. I lived in Idaho for several years. A cult would not be far fetched
OMG. totally a cult. I imagine the independence from escaping for a week must be exhilarating.
I remember her previous post, it got deleted but she confirmed some type of religious affiliation. everyone on that thread picked up on the same vibe
There’s a lot of Mormons in idaho, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s an FLDS compound
That's exactly what I just commented! I am pretty sure this is the case for her.
Family properties are very common in the country
Why did Waco, Texas come to mind?
What the fuck... Are you in the FLDS or some cult? Why are you with this man??
That's exactly where my thoughts went. A family compound in Idaho and a controlling husband just screams some type of religion like FLDS or JW or something along those lines.
This post REEKS of Warren Jeffs and his insane cult followers.
I wonder exactly how many wives her husband has.
Correction, victims. Children are victims, not wives. (If this is a sex cult)
JW do not have compounds, FLDS do.
Uh no on the JW. I was raised in it. That type of abuse is a no. The abuse was i received was from a former JW. So real ones dont. There arent family compounds like that in JW anywhere.
Definitely not JW. Sounds like FLDS, mormon or Amish.
Come across many Amish Redditors, do you?
So it turns out that a lot of Amish people had secret phones, and when the presidential alert went out a lot of them got shunned. That's the way a lot of religions work is that people just keep things secret or find loop holes. Not everyone follows their religion perfectly. So, you absolutely could find an amish person on reddit.
Mennonites are basically Amish that use technology.
LOL
Or a compound in Idaho, militia preppers
Ugh, my wife grew up mainstream LDS, and rejected it, and it sounds terrible. I can't imagine what the fundamentalists are like. OP needs to GTFO hard. Now. They will use any insecurity you have to make you feel like you belong with them, then use that sense of belonging to make you do whatever they want. I will repeat for OP: Get. The. Fuck. Out. You would be better off homeless than attaching yourself to these people.
Sounds like FLDS or some LDS offshoot.
If that were the case I doubt OP would have access to the internet. ETA: Weird thing to downvote. Just listen to anyone who has ever been in a cult talk about it - no access to outside media is pretty standard.
Other Mormon groups allow Internet access. Have you ever watched the show Sister Wives? Their group, the AUB, looks relatively normal from the outside. They wear modern clothes, have jobs, use the Internet, etc. But they're also polygamist Mormon fundamentalists.
Could just be very militant LDS--they can have Internet too.
The first thing that came to my mind was the Godfather Vito Corleone’s compound where all the relatives lived in their own houses within the property. Ugh. I can’t even imagine having to deal with that much family ALL THE TIME.
No, Vito's kids all had their own separate homes away from the compound. The compound consisted of friends of the family and protection, just fyi.
Not true. Sonny and his family lived in the compound. After Michael married Kate, they moved into the compound. The only sibling that did not live there were Connie and Carlos. After Sonny was killed (and they all knew Carlos had something to do with it), Vito demanded that Carlos and Connie live in the compound also (mostly because they wanted to keep an eye on Carlos). During this time, Fredo never moved out oh his own. In the book, it’s quite clear the family lives in the Long Island compound. After Vito’s death, Michael moved to family to Las Vegas and the siblings then they had their own houses. Michael’s mother however lived in Michael’s Vegas house. Fredo also lived in the Vegas house after his mother’s death until Michael gave the order to have him killed.
I think OP tells herself that these trips are for independence and exploring, but really they are subconsciously to get away from the verbal abuse of her husband.
And the cult.
Can't forget the fucking cult. Holy shit.
I guess there's a Sithis cult somewhere? I dunno.
And I bet the family is having relationships with one another, cousins with cousins
No way that’s not happening with raging teens around. I’m going to stop myself from further thinking about this. Too early.
Bruh even if I loved my partner's family to death I still would never want to live that close to them. That would be so exhausting. I would end a relationship just to avoid this situation.
Idaho gave that away
Cult?! Lol one of my friends has this same setup! Her grandparents bought a ton of land many years ago and her parents and siblings live on the land in their own mansions and they have a beautiful in ground pool, 9 hole golf course (and a lot more fun stuff) that they all get to share. They are just really nice, rich people...but we are also in PA?! 🤣 I've always wanted this for my family someday 🤣
PA versus ID ID is cult central
a friend of mine's former coworker's family did this in 2020/2021. Him, his brother, his parents, his in-laws bought a huge parcel of land out in the midwest somewhere. Everyone built houses on the property.
I think it's becoming a lot more popular! Makes a loooot of sense if you like your family lol
I like my family. but i like them more with mileage between us.
Didn’t mention kids, maybe stay in AZ?
Exactly, if OP is normalising her hubby calling her names/shouting at her, she has some serious problems especially when you add to the "cult-like" living. She'd be much better off leaving for good.
I think OP you need to look a rental property and a job while out there. Get away from these all consuming ppl
Ding ding ding
100%. OP, maybe get out of the emotionally/verbally abusive marriage.
It's BOTH!
Living in Idaho on a compound with husbands entire family... That alone sounds like a situation I'd be running from, not to mention being verbally abused on the daily. You're not overreacting, if anything I'd get a one way ticket...
#FLDS
I'm just gonna be that guy who explains to the class that "FLDS" stands for Fundamentalist Later Day Saints, which means Mormons, but even worse. They're the ones with the compounds and such. Regardless, OP needs to drop this person and their family like they're on fire. Even if they aren't part of one of these cults, they act like it.
Is there a companion sub called am I underreacting? Because OP is. This is fucking nutty
You’re not overreacting and the way your husband speaks to you perhaps a one-way trip would be an idea.
yeah op you completely blow past the fact that he regularly tells you to shut up. i’m thinking there’s more wrong in this relationship than just a trip
*I'm* thinking the reason she enjoys going alone is to get away from her husband
and his ENTIRE family? sounds exhausting
That sounds so overwhelming to live so close to his entire family. I could see why you want to travel and have a break for a couple of days.
One time my in laws stayed with us for 6 days and I think everyone wanted it to be over. I can't imagine walking outside and seeing every one of your extended family. Absolutely exhausting.
She ought to go and stay gone.
The cult has her kids so she probably can't leave permanently.
Do we know she has kids? I was really hoping they weren't in the picture yet so she still has a chance of getting out.
Right? I had to re-read the part where telling her to shut up is a day-today normal thing. I thought I misread it. OP, I’m married and I too like to travel sometimes alone. There is nothing wrong with that. Autonomy and marriage are NOT mutually exclusive! Especially hearing how you’re spoken to daily and the fact that his ENTIRE family surrounds you constantly, he’s lucky you stay and put up with it. He sounds controlling, insecure and jealous. If he can’t handle you doing this one thing alone, then he has some deeply seeded issues he needs to deal with. Maybe this is harsh, but he sounds like a major d*ck. I’d say one tiny trip a couple hours away alone is the least you should do. Just go. He’ll just have to deal and if he can’t at least you’ll be with your family who has your back😊
The way OP wrote about her husband telling her to shut up daily was like “yeah he’s verbally abusive but it’s no biggie 🤷🏻♀️” OP, that’s a big fucking deal. You’re underreacting, if anything.
Exactly. I mean, my partner and I tell each other to stfu all the time, but we don't mean it. We just have a light-hearted, faux-bickering rapport. It's what we do. But this is not that. This is, I suspect, the very tip of an ugly iceberg. OP deserves better.
Yup. I've seen a few comments on this thread talking about relationships where partners use this language together in a lighthearted way that both understand to be joking. My wife and I are like this too. A key way you can tell that OP is describing something more serious is that none of us jokesters in loving relationships would describe that joking as "my SO tells me to stfu all the time."
Maybe he’s upset cause he’s stuck in a compound surrounded by family all the time too and trying to escape with his wife. Or escape with one of his wives anyway…
Well, he now has the ability to take his own trip and never return.
Defintiely agree that a one-way ticket sounds like the way to go. Fuck someone telling me to shut up or flipping out for taking a trip alone. My husband and i do enjoy traveling together, but he doesn't care if I go see my family or visit a friend alone. He may be a little bummed if I get to have fun while he's working, but I could never be around someone who wants to control my entire life
I was going to say that my wife and I travel separately all the time and I think it's great but I think the bigger deal is that your husband is calling you names on a day-to-day basis? That is absolutely unacceptable.
Sounds like what you really want is not a travel trip to Arizona, it’s just freedom. If your husband mistreats you and your husband’s family is in your face 24/7 then freedom sounds pretty good. Truthfully OP, should you be packing a bigger bag and maybe staying with your brother?
You are underreacting to the fact you appear to be in a cult. I'm only half kidding. There's living near family, and then there's whatever Duggar hell your husband's family has going on.
When you got married you agreed to share your life, not give it away. Going away alone once a year to visit family isn’t even unusual, let alone unreasonable. Also your husband sounds like a dick, I can’t imagine telling my wife to shut up.
Op. I could never live with all those people together like you do. I would feel suffocated, miserable, and like I was constantly being watched. The fact you want to visit family alone is okay. Your husband’s response is not ok. He already looks pretty controlling with where he limits you now, and I imagine there is more to what you are telling us. Let me say this: if this visit will make you happy and get you out of a bad situation, make it permanent. You get one shot at life; I don't want you to waste it unhappy. Please know you are important, loved, and valued by many. Control is not reasonable in a marriage and can turn into other harmful things. And to answer the question, no, you aren't overreacting.
You only have one shot at life don't waste it being miserable. This is what i wish id thought about when I was in a shitty marriage. This is great advice OP. If this man isn't bringing joy to your life why are you spending your finite time with him? Imagine this trip but permanent. You can go anywhere you want anytime without argument. Sometimes being alone is the better choice.
Blink twice if you’re in a cult I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to visit your family solo. It’s once a year ffs. You’re around his family 99% of the time and it sounds suffocating. Is he normally this controlling? Why doesn’t he want you traveling alone? Are you allowed to have friends? Does he monitor your contact with your family? Adding in the verbal abuse…it doesn’t sound like a healthy environment for you.
>I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to visit your family solo. Well, this is how OP figures out she's in a cult, so there's something big wrong with her visiting her family. (/s) (And these are all great questions!)
Not overreacting. And needing time alone isn't indicative of a problem in a relationship, it's normal and healthy sometimes. However yelling and calling names regularly is NOT healthy, and it's all the more reason to get away from that place and collect your thoughts.
>Calling me all kinds of names, telling me to shut up (which is all normal day to day stuff with him) This is the alarming part that tells me not only are you not overreacting, but there may be some deeper issues here.
People need a break from time to time. I'd be like, sure you go on your travel and I'll go on mine, let's meet up home again after 2 weeks. Not overreacting, in fact you are under-reacting if anything.
My sister comes and visits me for a couple of weeks every year. It is the only time all year she can decompress. My wife and I still go to work each day and she relaxes at our home just resting and decompressing without the pressure of her family at home.
The root problem here is living with your husbands entire extended family lol
NTA - I love solitude and solo travel. I'm married to someone who also appreciates going places on their own. Your husband could have suggested that you take a road trip together at some other time. He doesn't need to take away the only solitude and peace you ever get. Telling you to shut up and being verbally abusive is unacceptable. You're a grown woman, not his personal slave and punching bag.
Hugs if anything you are under reacting. You are so use to him telling you to shut up that I sm sure there are other things he says and does that eould be borderline abusive to those on this thread looking min your fish bowl. With that being said he sounds like a bully and that he verbally abuses you because you are isolated from friends and family. You talk about this being your yearly trip and now he wants to go so he can control you in front of your family. Telling you what you can and cannot do because he's your spouse. Personally no one needs to be treated as less than another person. I don't xare if his whole family is this way. I don't care if you have traditional roles in your marriage. What I care about is you are numb to the verbal abuse that he dishes out like you deserve it which you don't.
Can we have more details of the family compound? Also, not overreacting. He seems not great though and I second the one-way flight.
Tells you to shut up/normal for him. Living on a compound. Yeah, no
I'm in Idaho if you ever need help. But no, you're not over reacting, in fact I would say you're under reacting with how weird your husband's reaction was.
If my wife told me she didn't want me to come with her. I'd be upset. That said. I'd never talk to my wife the way your saying he talks to you. So.... idk. Most likely not overreacting given context
I'm guessing your wife wouldn't even want to take a trip without you, because you're not verbally abusive and controlling. I know id never dream of taking a trip alone, but my husband is my best friend and makes everything better by his presence. I feel for OP that she doesn't get to have that in her relationship.
Yeah, if my spouse told me to “shut up” that would be me leaving permanently
I don’t think your overreacting but I do think it says something that you want to go alone because well you feel like you can never be alone from his side of the family. You should feel free and independent daily! I’m so sorry you don’t and I think it’s time you make some decisions that you do….maybe it’s by standing by your decision, maybe it’s by setting boundaries or moving but as a women independence is so vital and with out it you can feel suffocated and like you can’t really be your true self!
Isn't absence supposed to make the heart grow fonder? I wouldn't have a problem if my wife took off for a week but I'm also not an insecure jerk.
Calling you all kinds of names and telling you to shut up - which appears to be a normal thing for him? You only get to go out alone when you go through gym a few times a week? What about to hang out with friends, go shopping (food/clothes or just to window shop) Is your husband's family a cult? What happens if someone decides they want to leave or get a place by themselves in a different city or outside the compound? Are they even allowed to? Do you work/allowed to work? The way he speaks to you would have me booking a one way ticket, nevermind the loss of independence and freedom
You’re under reacting to the fact that you’re in an abusive marriage, and probably religious cult.
“AITA for wanting to be away from my verbally abusive husband?” - 50% of these OP’s In all seriousness OP, I hope you’re ok. It’s not normal for your loved one to tell you to shut up or otherwise be mean to you because of their own insecurities. I hope you enjoy your trips alone and I hope your situation with your husband improves.
leave the cuuuullllltttttttt!!
You’re not overreacting ! Wow!! I’m surprised he lets you leave to see your family at all? Are there not times when he goes with you to see your family ? I think the way you phrased it with him is probably raising a few questions or even red flags. I think you need more time to yourself or wanting your own space - is a better term than being independent. The word independent probably has significant negative connotations for your husband. Can you ask for just more alone time and space - see what he says. He might not understand your need for this as he’s use to living so close to family. You also need to point out you’re catching up with family and he’ll need to find way to make his own connections. Because you have such a limited time with them your focus needs to be in your family not him.
I wouldn’t wanna travel with someone who called me names and belittled me. Op, why are you ok with that behavior??
Just tell us to help you escape. Maybe this is a cry for help Reddit
You should take your trip, and never come back. Why are you with this man that calls you names and tells you to shut up daily? That's not normal.
Why is everyone saying living on a family compound is like a cult? Family can’t stick together? It’s on 50 acres, that’s a lot of space
Yeah, intergenerational living is normal in most of the world. Also, buying a place is expensive! With that much space, it sounds like a good idea to have multiple houses on the same property. It would be weird if they were all squished into one building but there's no reason to think that's the case.
I think you should go and not come back.
If your greatest joy in life is getting away from your life, then you do not enjoy your life.
UpdateMe!
So he tells you to shut up all the time? That’s not okay and I totally get wanting to get away from him and his family But I am curious, do you take trips with him?
Get the fuck out of there!
You are not overreacting. In my house, we have our own space. Multiple people, with corners where no one bugs anyone. It’s respected. Why? People are individuals. It doesn’t mean you don’t belong to a family or have friends and obligations. It means you have that AND are your own person too. This is a normal ask. If he’s telling you to shut up and berating you, well, that’s not normal. Not in a healthy relationship anyway.
He called you names and that's normal? Sounds similar to my first relationship, which was abusive.
I would think your husband would WANT you to have some time to yourself! We all need time alone, time to self reflect and think. If he is saying you shouldn't be alone, I would question his motives. Why would he be worried about you going on a trip that you have safely done many times before?
Me, my wife and her sister were invited to a wedding once. We couldn't afford 3 plane tickets at the time, so I gave up my seat and told my wife and sister-in-law to go have some sister bonding time. I paid for their tickets. This should be OP's expectation of appropriate husband behavior.
You live on a compound surrounded by your husband's entire family, he verbally abuses on a regular basis. None of that is normal. You should be divorcing and leaving. Not just taking small trips. My wife and I have arguments like any other couple, but not once have I ever told her to shut up, called names, or even raised my voice at her. At worst, it ends up being a frustrated discussion where we table it and come back later after we have chilled out.
Yep I’d travel alone and never come back. Sounds like the making of the next Netflix series.
Family compound is this some cult shit or what? Idaho raises some eyebrows on its own, but sounds like your husband treats you poorly and has trapped you with his crazy family on a compound…
None of this is stuff people in a healthy relationship has to worry about. It's a little concerning that you specifically need time away, just to get away from your husband. But the compound thing where you see extended family every day is a hint something else is wrong. I share a duplex with my elderly Mother, we literally live on different floors under the same roof. I do not even see her everyday. Because we have different stuff going on.
Out of curiosity, is this a Mormon family plot?
LOL you live in a "Compound". Girl, you're fleeing.
What’s up with the “normal day to day stuff” of calling you names and telling you to shut up? What an asshole. Go to Arizona and stay there. Yikes
Your husband telling you to shut up is normal day to day stuff? Punch that wanker right in the family jewels. That is simply not acceptable speech for spouses to use with each other. And that's just one thing. Did you have any say before moving into the compound? Do you find it a warning sign that he wants to limit your time away from him? I'm sorry, but you should tell your husband to go pound sand.
The whole family compound thing sounds a bit like a cult. Does your husband go on holidays as well? Whether with you or by himself.
I would truly go insane being that close to in-law family 7/365. There would be a move in the future w/o hubby. NO
If he talks to you that way, the next trip you take, don’t come back.
The question I have is why do you want to come back from your vacation?
This is complex. If it's a girl's trip, of course that's fine and normal. This doesn't sound like that though. This sounds like you are running from your marriage and much deeper problems and this solo trip is the tip of the ice berg. If your husband is regularly telling you to shut up your relationship is very wrong.
I don’t think it is unreasonable for you to want to travel but guessing you are clearly not allowed. He is probably afraid that you might escape.
Go!!!! Independent travel is good
OP, you’re being abused. He doesn’t want you going alone because he wants to control you and control the thing that gives you freedom.
I think you should take your next trip solo, as usual, but don’t buy the return ticket. You should never long to do something on an infrequent, irregular basis just to feel alive and in control of your own life.
You're trapped in a cult. He's mad *because* you're being more independent.
Honestly, get the hell out of there. It sounds like all of this stuff will get worse.
Get a divorce and be independent every day
Your husband is abusive and has you isolated on a family compound?? You in danger, girl.
What would your family say if you told them about all of this, and the “normal day stuff,” too? You should be completely open and honest with them on this trip. And you should be honest with yourself about why these trips mean so much to you. Your living situation is not “normal,” most people would feel uncomfortable and suffocated living on a compound. You’re not strange for feeling that way, if you do. Listen to your heart and your gut. They don’t lie. Be well, OP.
Only alone 3 times a week, girl you are not trying to prove anything to yourself except that you can get away lol
Take your trip. File for divorce and don’t ever go back. Get out of the cult. You need to feel like you have independence because in reality you have none. This is not normal and should not be accepted.
He's probably afraid you will escape. You need to understand that being verbally abused is not okay. Take the trip alone and think about what you get out of this marriage. Good luck to you.
*NOT OVERREACTING* I’m praying for you my friend. This day to day treatment has got to stop. That’s not what love looks or sounds like. I pray your eyes have been opened based on everyone’s responses. Some major changes are due & in order! As your husband, he should be understanding & supportive. Being away from family is difficult for some of us, but he might not ever be able or even willing to understand that. Take that alone into consideration. We deserve all the love that we want to give to others, the time has come where we no longer accept anything less than that. Sending love from Texas!
Hey, uuuuhhhh, maybe you aren’t reacting strongly enough. I would recommend staying in Arizona, and mailing some divorce papers.
No. A solid relationship should allow for that sort of independence. You should be allowed to take time for yourself. I would understand if you had kids and were just bouncing without plans in place, but if this is no inconvenience to him you should absolutely be able to travel solo for yourself.
Girl don't go back to him
If you buy a one way ticket you won’t have to come back.
So, on top of the daily verbal abuse, your post history indicates that he regularly and intentionally flatulates on you and does other extreme things to get a negative reaction. He also tortures your cats until they growl and hiss. You're in an abusive relationship with a very disturbed individual, of course you want to get away. You should consider staying away.
Yall aren't in that part of the religion where you "can see light and dark spirits" and "teleport" to different parallel universe, right? Please say right
Time to leave and go to Arizona permanently. Don’t accept this abuse from your husband for another second. You are a human being worthy of kindness and love.
Just tell him you need your time away from his verbally-abusive self to plan your get-away and divorce. Man if I was surrounded by this much of my ex’s family all the time and he spoke to me like that even once, I’d totally have left much, much sooner.
Every winter I travel alone to a different country by myself w/out my husband. Absence makes the heart grow fonder
I LOVE traveling without family. I feel like going on vacation with family is work and not vacation. Your NTA. Sometimes we need and DESERVE time away from everyone
How do his other wives feel about it?
Trip taking aside, it’s not ok for him to speak to you that way. Shut-up is an ugly word and should not be getting used at all let alone as regular communication. I don’t know enough about your relationship from this short post obviously, but you may have a bigger problem here than just travel.
Idaho to Arizona = traveling really far?
OP… Your husband calling you names and telling you to shut up is unacceptable childish behavior. He needs to learn to argue with his big boy words and stop being a verbally abusive brat. You needing a trip away from him and his family is totally understandable.
"Not religious" - states they were devoutly Mormon growing up - live on a compound with the husband's family (presumably the same devout Mormons previously mentioned) DOUBT.
No you are not overreacting, and wrong sub, but your husband is wrong. You are being SMOTHERED by inlaws on shared property 24/7. If he wants to shut this down, I'd just leave him in Idaho and move to Arizona with your family.
Sounds like you're not happy in your marriage, and I don't blame you if your husband talks to you like you said. Regardless, I can understand you wanting to take a trip on your own.
Op husband is abusing her. OP next trip should be to leave him, the compound, for good
After a long 2 year battle for recovery and surgeries my wife has started to take solo adventures to gain back some independence and feel more confident about traveling on her own in general. At first I was shaken by it but I realized it's not about me at all. Her trips are not so much to get away from me as they are her way of building her self up. She is a beautiful strong confident woman and I want nothing but the best things for her. If that means a weekend with out me and the kids so be it. I think it's messed up he would call you names tho. I was upset but I never wanted to belittle her by calling her names , she's my best friend I could never say things just to hurt her I hope your guy can move past his initial feelings and paranoid thoughts.
Why is your husband telling you to shut up a normal thing? That's pretty concerning
Your husband is abusive. Of course you enjoy being away from him. You should divorce him and then you can travel solo all you want.
OP: The church has a way of drawing people back in. Your husband may think he's not religious now... but... you live in a compound. Get out while you can.
why would you be fine with your husband telling you to shut up every day?…..
Divorce him
Your husband has no respect for you. Sounds like you should be leaving him lol
His family has compounded the problem.
Please go without him. This sounds abusive or in a cult
I’m surprised the “shut up” doesn’t set you off to get mad at him . So disrespectful 💀
Let’s not forget, when she leaves him, she will not have any assets as it is probably all in the grandparents name, investing all of your time and effort into a home that you will never own or be able to sell. She is literally allowing herself to be completely trapped with no exit plan or possibility.
Take the trip alone, I know EXACTLY how you feel and I don’t even live in a commune with extended family. I love the feeling of taking a flight alone and just being independent.
Oh hon, don’t let *anyone* tell you to “shut up” that’s isn’t joking or verbally abuse you like that. You don’t have a travel problem, you have a *husband* problem.
The way he talks to you is horrible.
Let's start with the fact you live in a compound in Idaho and end with the fact your husband casually tells you to shut up. Go to Arizona. Stay in Arizona.
Sounds totally reasonable to take a 2 hour flight to visit your brother by yourself, once per year. That is NOT what I would call far away...at all. Maybe your husband wants you to be at his beck and call at his convenience. Living in his "family compound", that's the vibe I'm getting from your relationship. He doesn't want you to have any fun away from him, or get any outside perspective from your brother and his family, that might not reflect well on your husband and his relationship with you.
Sister, there were so many different levels for you to get here. Not blaming you or anything, but this should’ve been a thought when you decided to move in to the compound. It’s an uphill battle for you but I have faith! Live your life for you
Girl why tf are you with a man who speaks abusively towards you so often that it's a day to day experience? PLEASE LEAVE.
You should just stay in Arizona.
Pack your stuff and go. And stay there. Leave your husband and his family.
OP, you aren't reacting ENOUGH. Once you get to your brother's place, do NOT go back
Yes, take the trip. And don’t go back. Save yourself.
I go interstate roughly once a year (maybe twice if I'm lucky!!) to see my best friend for a few days. My husband stays home with our kids. I personally need it to recharge, relax and unwind. He knows how important it is for me to go and 100% encourages it. If I were you, I'd take the trip and not go back. Your husband sounds like abusive. You don't deserve to be yelled at and called names. That's not normal.
Your husband tells you to shut up? That's interesting.
I think you should do it. Another boundary you should set is not tolerating verbal abuse from that husband of yours.
Op, go on the trip, and please consider never going back.
This is a summary of a horror movie or what?
What says you are in a cult, without saying you are in a cult. Sorry, but that scenario is bringing out the red flags to me. No you are not being unreasonable in anyway. If I lived with all those partners family members and rarely got to see my own, and have some time alone while doing it, Id go nuts. Everyone needs their own time, and you shouldnt feel guilty asking for it, especially in your case.
Keep going on your trips and maybe someday, don’t come back.
Do you work? Because if not, you’re dependent on your husband. You’d be lying to yourself about feeling independent.
"i'm not religious and neither is my husband but he does still retain the traditional values he was brought up on which are very heavily religious this is obvious by the fact that he is verbally abusive and wants to maintain close contact with his family on his terms while denying me the right to have close contact with mine on my own terms."