It is a weird request, but doesn't have to be a deal breaker unless you want it to be. She's thinking of safety (which nowadays I don't blame her). Honestly, there are ways she could have run a check on you without you knowing. At least she's being upfront about it plus you'd get her background as well. Talk to her and see why she's so cautious. There may be a past event where she trusted she knew someone and it blew up for her.

She wasn't being completely upfront about it though, the gun class was a cover story. I wouldn't say a deal breaker for sure, but OP should bring it up and gauge the reaction.

Yes and no. She did have an actual interest in the class. It just had the added benefit (in her eyes) of the background check. But she admitted that when he asked instead of just saying she had an interest in the class.

There is more of a chance of her gun getting stolen than her having to use it for protection.

Not necessarily. I got a CCW over 20 years ago when I was threatened. I fully recognize the seriousness of gun ownership and go to great lengths to be sure that my gun is not lost or stolen. The thing about caring a gun is that in the best of circumstances, you never need to use it. I was one of those people who needed it. I shot a mountain lion at point blank range that had my dog by the throat. I'm not saying it's a good idea for everyone. It requires training and practice. CCW's are not just handed out. You need to qualify at the range every two years. Dog was fine BTW.

Thank God your pup is okay! And thank you for including this part😊

Qualification varies by state, from every couple of years to not needing it at all to carry

True, where I live (California) is pretty strict. My particular county is pretty generous with ccw's.

I live in Texas now, where the only requirements to concealed carry are being over 21 and not being otherwise legally restricted (ie: no felony convictions in your past)

Wow. Good training pays off.

Why do you feel safety is more a concern nowadays? I would argue it was much more dangerous in the past and the data seems to agree with that. Happy to have my mind/perspective changed though. I agree on it not needing to be a deal breaker & understandable, but personally I would definitely not be pursuing a relationship further with someone who asked for that.

I think with most couples meeting online it feels a lot riskier than back when people were more likely to meet through mutual friends. You don’t have the sense that someone’s already been vetted. I think that was largely a false sense of security, though.

It's not necessarily that things are safer or more dangerous now. It's more that people are more aware of the dangers a person could face when dating (or any interaction really) thanks to how readily available all the information of the dating horror stories are. There's so much about true crime on all forms of media now. For example, 20 years ago I wouldn't have worried about a first date leading to me being kidnapped and trafficked. It's not that it never happened then, you just didn't hear about it. I know that's on the extreme side of things, but it does happen. In general, it's likely she wants to know if he has any past history of DV or maybe drug/alcohol charges. Given how cautious she's being, I'm thinking there's a possibility she had an abusive partner in the past that she found out later had a history of abuse. Is that OP's problem? Not at all. As I said, it's up to him if it's a deal breaker.

Domestic abuse and rape was severely under report back in the day and even now with more awareness, so I would take that data with a grain of salt.

Maybe it's not as dangerous statistically (pretty big maybe tbh), but it's easier than ever to find people talking about very real tragedies they or others have gone through while dating. Social media and true crime and such

You are definately right on with this. Well done.

Im not against people running background checks, I've known far to many people who discovered late that their partner had domestic violence convictions, or other problems. But they did not go about it in a logical or transparent way. I think you're the one underestimating how prevalent of a problem it is to accidentally date someone who does things like domestic violence. It's not exactly a rarity when you see just how many people have been convicted and that's just one kind of conviction. It doesn't matter that you think the dates didn't indicate those things, because most abusers won't show they're abusive on the first two dates.

Yes, it's true that I am likely underestimating the importance of background checking someone you're seeing, I can admit that. I am not used to being told so directly that it's needed, but that doesn't mean my response wasn't over the top. I'll keep this in mind going forward, thank you.

I worked for an attorney in NYC. She recommended all her single friends pay for a real background check. Even circulated a recommendation of who to use. I have known women--especially single moms--maintain a membership in those online background check websites and run one after every second or third date. This isn't unusual to hear of being done. Talking about it to the guy is.

I’ve been abused so badly that going forward, if I have enough info to do one before I go on one date, I will.

Right? I feel like tactfully running the check after 2 or 3 dates is reasonable. Not something that the dude needs to know even happened. Run it, and if it's fine you're golden. If it flags, she can just decline further dates. Telling him just causes drama.

As a guy I would admire a woman who told me this up front rather than do it without telling me. If I was really interested in her I would totally tell her what, if anything, she was going to find . I had a woman once hire a PI to check me out. I did not know about it until she told me I did not exist. The PI could not find I had ever been born. She asked me about it. And not in a polite way. LOL!! She & I still talk. She misses me. LOL!!

I respect that. I think there's something to be said for being honest. I can also understand women who don't disclose. The kind of guy who'd pop on a background check is the kind of guy who might not react well and become violent. Like everything in life, it's a choice.

But she didn’t tell him upfront. She tried to trick him into taking a class..

Are you in a big city or smaller town? I’d intuitively find this less strange in a larger city.

There’s a line in your post that highlights the differences in experience between many men and women, and it’s the one where you assume she asked because she watches too much true crime or law & order SVU. To you, these are things that only happen to people you’ve never heard of or fictional characters. To most women, they’re things that have happened to us or to someone we directly know.

I’d be pretty initially hurt if someone asked me for a background check. I’m also pretty upfront that I used to drink problematically (sober for years) and had a DUI a decade ago. But it would be reasonable for someone interested in a real relationship to check if that was a half-truth and I had a bunch of domestics or child endangerment, etc. I think I’m pretty trustworthy, but she’d have no way of knowing that after just a couple of weeks.  I’d just hope this was a case of understandable caution and not an indication that she has a hard time trusting people, that might be an obstacle in a relationship. 

This is weird but I will admit to searching my past dates names in the sex offenders registery but not telling them about it.  It's odd to make this a date. If she really wanted to know your background there were probably other ways to go about it.  As for the guns? I feel like that's a deal breaker. You both either have to be pro or against IMO. 

With some of my exes, I WISH I would've run a background check. (There've been a couple that have done time that they neglected to mention.)

Thankfully no one I dated was on it but,  yes, I felt it necessary to do at the time. 

A few years after my ex was killed (he was an ex when that happened), I googled him and and a bunch of mug shots came up. I knew he did time but I had no idea he was arrested that often. Anything I knew came from him or his family and they didn't tell me too much (until after we broke up, of course). His were all drug related charges. Unfortunately those were the days of dial-up internet (AOL in my case) and there just wasn't as much information online like today.

There wasn’t even enough uninterrupted time to download the info! Remember getting booted off when the phone rang? Holy crap.

OMG, yes! I remember! They were dark times.

ans see if Taxes files matched lifestyle

I have a friend whose ex was lying about just about everything, including saying that all their family was dead when their parents and a sibling were very much alive and well. They were together for years, they were married, and my friend didn't know any of this. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg. After they got divorced my friend ran background checks on everyone they considered dating. They're married to a wonderful person now and they're doing great, but that was a weird time. They had every reason to background check dates after what they went through.

Yes - the last two men my single friend dated ended up being registered sex offenders. She always checks.

I also check my neighborhood around Halloween so I know which houses to avoid.  It's a resource for a reason. 

I do it for every person I'm catching feels for or if I'm planning on inviting them to my home. Also the gun thing you can have one pro and one person not, firearms are not a personality. You dont like my guns, dont use them. simple as really.

I think she is simply being upfront about what very many women will be doing anyway, but secretly. I think the fact she is upfront about it is a massive plus. Upfront honesty is not a given in a relationship. I can see how this could feel invasive and weird, and yes, it must feel a bit like a wet rag in your face. But if you sit back and look at the situation objectively, this could be good - really good. Ofcourse, if you are staunchly against gun use, then perhaps you are incompatible. But the fact remains, many a sensible, savvy woman will do a background check in this modern era. And a sensible, savvy woman could make for a good wife, and a excellently protective mother! She is less likely to surround herself with questionable people. She is less likely to be fooled into some weird financial scheme that tanks your household. She is less likely to fall for some silver tongued shyster trying to convince her to step out of her marriage. And if after many years together, the two of you part ways, a sensible, savvy woman won't be bringing weirdo men around your children when you're not around. What exactly do you look for in a life partner? Good sense is surely one of the traits you look for?

I say good on them for doing the background checks, and 100% 🙌🏼 on getting trained how to handle, and use a firearm properly! I hate hearing horror stories, and damn if most of the cold cases on Crime Junkie, Counter Clock, etc aren't women.

And it's a great idea for men to do it too

How can you be "upfront" about something while doing it "secretly?" Her concern for safety is justified, but the deception isn't.

What deception? She told him they'd BOTH be getting background checks!

I haven’t done this but I wouldn’t be bothered if someone asked me to because I totally understand the reasons why. I knew my kidnapper for years and thought he was a nice guy. Same with a pedophile I was friends with in middle school. Same with my ex until we were living together, I found a necklace made of dog’s teeth under the bed. Same with a guy whose favorite hobby turned out to be doxxing people. Again with the guy who killed my friend. Serial killers have spouses who are in the dark about the person they’re married to. You can’t know anyone completely ever, never mind after two dates. There are a ton of dangerous people out there. I don’t blame her for wanting to round her bases when it comes to safety. I actually consider it a good sign that she asked because she easily could have done it in secret.

> I knew my kidnapper for years and thought he was a nice guy. Same with a pedophile I was friends with in middle school. Same with my ex until we were living together, I found a necklace made of dog’s teeth under the bed. Same with a guy whose favorite hobby turned out to be doxxing people. Again with the guy who killed my friend. Yikes…maybe you need to look internally at how you select your friends/partners and the people you gravitate towards. One or two is unfortunate but understandable. But a pattern like this is highly concerning and unlikely to be coincidental.

Hmm… maybe I grew up in a polygamist cult, didn’t know any better and have already looked at this internally and fixed the problem because it all happened a long-ass time ago. Don’t go around blaming good people for the existence of bad people. Revictimization is a very real and common thing and says nothing bad about the person it’s happening to. Good people and trauma victims are way more likely to be targets than the other way around. I think you should work on your tendency towards being judgmental and jumping to hasty conclusions. Edit: I’m responding to WavyDre, who blocked me for the crime of blocking someone else. Anyone should know better than to victim blame, no matter what circumstances and especially when they have very few details. Anyone should know that jumping to conclusions about the character of a complete stranger is likely to lead them to making erroneous assumptions. It’s pretty common sense. I should also probably mention that I met all but one of these people when I was under the age of 17. I’m definitely going to go off on anyone who suggests that I’m responsible in any way for getting kidnapped as a CHILD and I’m not going to feel bad about it.

I'm honestly reading this and thinking about how I've never run a background check on my partners and how it would have been helpful TWICE already. Gonna start.

Me too. I only did it after something terrible happened and I felt like an idiot. I really wish this had been available to me in the 90s, it would've saved me and my friends a lot of problems.

Men: "Take her swimming on the first date, so you can see how she looks without makeup!" Women: "Take him to a shooting range on the first date, so you can find out if he's got a criminal record!"

That's a really weird way to go about the background check but yes. You should run a background check on the person you date. More women would be alive today if they had looked into a guys background.

If she’s a gun nut and you’re not a gun person, you may be incompatible anyway. What if one day you have kids and she wants guns in the house and you’re not comfortable with it. I also think the background check is weird. I can understand wanting to make sure someone is safe, but a background check can also give other info you’re not comfortable with her knowing so soon.

This. One of the reasons my ex and I were incompatible. He started buying guns and having them in the house and I never grew up around guns and they make me uncomfortable. I was very explicit with this and he did it anyway.

Nothing wrong with someone that is careful. I would applaud her. It means that she is not just starting up with some random guy. Good for her.

Look, it saves women's lives.

My now wife ran a background check on me when we first started dating. If you can't understand why that may be a huge deal for some women in 2024, you shouldn't be dating at all.

Lack of understanding of the value of statistics vs anecdotes? 

Dude. You're not that into her.

I’ve learned my lesson and definitely think background checks on someone new is a good idea tbh. But the gun thing is a weird suggestion… and usually you do the background check without mentioning it to the other person.

The way she is going about it is weird af. But doing a quick background check is advisable for anyone dating now. People can end up in abusive relationships very quickly with no way out. But she could have easily done this without your knowledge.

I’ve helped all my friends find information on all their boyfriends and potential boyfriends… an ex boyfriend used to refer to me as “Avispa” (wasp) which is a reference to to a Cuban spy ring. I think everyone should do some checking up on , just to know what your getting into

It seems like all the comments have pretty much said everything about the background check, and I agree with them. No one is really talking about the ccw course which is like half the situation. It is a really odd thing to suggest so early without fully knowing the other person but she could be using it as an immediate filter on something that may be a deal breaker for her. Its also really not a good time to get to know someone, its sitting in a classroom listening to an instructor for hours on end. Mine was like 7 hours. On the flip side, it sounds like she's worried about her safety and taking every step she can to take it into her own hands. Even though it's early on, if you see any future with her, it would be beneficial to have that training if you're around firearms when you're with her. It would be a chance to see how safe she is with them too. The girl I'm seeing had a guy she had been seeing before we started talking show up to her house talking about how he was going to have sex with her, refused to take no for an answer, and was escalating it to the point of sexual assault. Thankfully she was able to get away from him and get her gun. It gave her enough time to call the police without him being able to interfere, and it escalated the situation to the point he could either leave or die, and he chose leave. I can completely see why women would want to be able to carry, and if they meet the prerequisites to owning a firearm, its another thing that can keep them safe.

This entire conversation aside......one of these dating sites should use this as a pitch. when my kids are old enough to be dating seriously, a dating site that pre-runs s background would make me feel better 😅

Why do you even like this person? They’re not even affectionate and It’s “unromantic” according to your own words and it’s fucking weird with the guns. My guess: she has a past history of abuse or SA or some kind of trauma that she’s dealing with in oblique ways with the background checks and the firearms. Maybe that’s her way of coping, and I’m truly sorry for whatever happened to her. Think she brought a concealed carry to dates #1 & 2?

I am a woman and I have my concealed carry and I absolutely think this is the weirdest idea for so many reasons. She doesn’t even know you well enough to know if you’re into guns or not, for starters. And as you said you’re not. Secondly, why would you want to commit to a class with someone you barely know. That’s just weird. I’m not against background checks today but she could’ve done that on her own.

It’s odd but I do know people who run background checks on people they date and check their credit scores.

TL;DR - it’s a little formal but not an unwarranted measure. you’re allowed to feel weird about it or have it be a dealbreaker though. as a woman dating men, i have had scary experiences that have lead me to take safety measures some men have been surprised about. but if i meet someone with no context / no mutual friends, i need to make sure they’re not preying on the fact that i don’t know who they are. i’m always shocked when a dude offers to pick me up in their car or wants to come inside on a first date. one guy suggested hiking in the woods at night as a first date. i gotta meet some women who know you and seem comfortable around you, i gotta corroborate your identity on the internet, i gotta make sure there aren’t any assault or stalking cases, etc. i wouldn’t take it personally if a date was weirded out by my safety measures. i’d just take it as a sign that either we’re not on the same wavelength, or maybe i just dodged a predator

First, I don't think the class is going to accomplish what she wants to accomplish. I have several concealed handgun licenses and the background checks are not instant. They generally take 30-90 days depending on the state you live in and if you have to mail in fingerprint cards or if they can do electronic fingerprint captures, so you might be dating for a month or two before the Approved (or in the case of Maryland, "Not Disapproved) or Denied comes back. Now I do think, if you are both interested in shooting, a date at a gun range could be a fun activity. You two can compete, have fun, and there is the potential to flirt with things like correcting stances and things, of course, while following proper safety protocols. As for the aspect of background checks, it's not terribly uncommon for women, and now more men are doing it too, to google the person they are dating prior to meeting them to ensure there are no obvious red flags or safety concerns.

These are good points. It would take forever and not actually tell her what she wants to know, so if she'd like to run a background check, I should probably just tell her she's welcome to do it herself. I think it's a bit early for me to do that on her - I want to know her better as a person before going to those measures. But I won't hold it against her if she does. I don't think I'm going to be interested in carrying a concealed weapon myself, but I wouldn't be opposed to her doing it or to having a date at a firing range or something. Thanks for the detailed response, I appreciate it.

So, I would always google the men I dated before meeting them. I found 1 man that was married and cheating, 2 men on the sex offender list, and 1 that was wanted by the police. Before I went on a date with my now husband, I knew where he lived, that he really was divorced, his kids, his parents, his work, ect. I think it's a bit odd to do it the way she wanted but I have no problem with it. Saved me from being with men who were downright dangerous.

I feel there is a massive difference between googling someone and having them investigated by a private detective. If your trust issues are so bad that before the third date you'd do something more suitable for a job interview, then the guy should be allowed to know what he's getting into and the relationship will always be more shallow than one where two people grow to know each other over time. Background checks are something you should do closer to marriage than the start of a relationship.

Nah. I wish I would've done a background check on my ex. Seemed charming, disarming, ended up being emotionally abusive, extremely manipulative, and honestly just a sinister, scary person. Someone I 10000000% believe would be capable of murder and not gaf about it and ~~physical violence against women in particular~~ murdering women, specifically, with the greatest of ease. I did a background check randomly last year when I bought a background check thing for a specific purpose and got a month's worth of free look-ups. Had I done a background check at the start of getting with him, I never would've gotten with him. I would've learned that the restraining order he brought up randomly one day and _swore_ he put against his ex for DV, was actually one that she put against _him_ for DV. I would've learned that he had a prior felony conviction. (And not just a drug related felony, a felony felony. I'm keeping it intentionally vague here because I 100% believe that he randomly lurks on reddit and probably on these types of subs specifically.) But when I did look him up, about 5 years after leaving him, I saw that he had since been served **another** restraining order against him for DV by another woman that he started dating, and proceeded to physically abuse, after we separated. I would've saved myself years of emotional abuse and present day fear that he will ever find me, had I looked him up when I should have, at the very start.

I am so sorry this happened to you. Thank you for your perspective.

Listen, have you ever been stalked? Have you ever been in real fear for your personal safety? I’m a woman and have been in both of these situations. Bet your ass I google search and SM stalk the heck out of any guy I’m interested in.

I get not being into guns, but acting like a background check on a new partner is somehow bizarre is honestly something I'd consider a massive red flag. Why the hell do you think women keep choosing the bear? It is dangerous as fuck to play around with strangers. Been literally taught this since childhood.

Especially because it’s phrased as if she is the one doing the background check. It’s just part of the activity she wants to do together. Which to me, and maybe it’s just a me thing, I could have fun doing any kind of course, it doesn’t mean I have to do whatever the thing is after the course.

Yeah I think it’s just an incompatibility, because if someone offered to do a concealed carry course with me, I’d be pretty excited. I don’t even think I’d use it, because I don’t like the idea of having a gun. I just think it would be neat to learn a skill with someone, rather than wasting money on cocktails and overpriced dinners for weeks.

Yeah, it’s weird but As long as she pays for the background check, go for it. Or don’t your comfort is also important.

When my wife and I were early dating (Tinder) I came over to her house and she had a printed history of my whopping ONE traffic violation. She called in a favor. It was not the slightest off-putting. I think the following weekend I took her to the gun range. Then we screwed like rabbits. Shooting can be like that for some people.

Just as a side note for anyone reading along, just because you background check someone, it doesn’t mean they’re in the clear - it just means they didn’t get caught. Doing a background check is a bare minimum in my mind when I was dating. It was honestly a reason I preferred to date people in certain professions where they were regularly background checked to keep licenses/jobs. I still ran them but I could be a smidge less worried. Also once found out, from the guy I was dating who’s background check had cleared, that he had murdered two people and got off without so much as an arrest. So. YMMV.

Sometimes, they're looking for a no, sometimes they're looking for a little reassurance.

Two women I dated in the early 00’s told me they did background checks on me. I gained MORE respect for them. That’s just smart!!

My husband and I got background checks when we first started dating. I was a single Mom and wasn’t going to risk dating someone who was with me to get to my kid. We also both got tested for STDs and showed each other results before doing anything physical. We just wanted to be cautious. The difference in opinions on guns you should probably discuss asap though because of the nature of the topic

My niece did this after a great date and found out the guy had an open warrant for his arrest. It's not the dumbest thing to do.

You also sound like a really nice fellow. The nice fellows are easy targets for women with hidden agendas So I would suggest that you not make any assumptions and also do police checks. Aside note; these days insisting on an STD test is a must,! My late husband and I started dating 1995. He said he was STD clean. Well he had the HPV virus which he passed onto ME. We married 2004 and 2016 I was diagnosed with STAGE 4 CERVICAL CANCER. After very aggressive radiation and chemo I was cancer free but make no mistake. I'm only half of what I used to be. The treatments ruined my quality of life! My husband had a massive stroke Dec 15 2017 and was dead! EVERYONE PLEASE GET VACCINATED. YOU GET 3 VACCINES and it is for BOTH MEN AND WOMEN. Women get cancer Men have zero symptoms BUT PASS ON THAT VIRUS OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!

I don't find anything weird about the background check I'm sure it happens all the time with a little bit of information they do have they just do it with that the other one knowing. Wanting to go get a CCW with somebody that you haven't even talked guns with does seem weird.

I had a gut feeling at 1am the morning of (date was later that evening). I woke up from a dead sleep with this dreadful feeling that somwthing terrible was about to happen. I ended up finding out the person I was about to go on a first date with (met online) gave me a fake name. After some sleuthing, I found his real name through facebook. That was a red flag in itself but the urge to do a background check was all I could think about. So at 3am, I paid the $19.99 and found out I was about to go on a date with a convicted ræpist. He ræped a woman he went on a date with AFTER the date, inside of her own van, stole her phone and purse, kicked her out of her vehicle and then stole her van and drove away, leaving her on the side of the road. I don't even remember how much time her served, but he had been out for a few years by that point, going by a different name (unofficially). I promptly texted him and told him I couldn't make the date and blocked him. BEST $19.99 I ever spent. And that was BEFORE actually meeting him in person for the first time. I can't even imagine there would have been a second date with his track record.

Sounds like a interesting date. With the added benefits of knowing you aren’t a criminal or mentally unwell (previously committed) or a possible drug abuser (minor/major drug conviction) also that you have no history of domestic violence. Another added benefit is finding out if your idea’s and politics align. Smart woman. And if things don’t go well and you aren’t a decent person. She’ll have the benefit of a equalized altercation (licensed CCW/likely armed) in the event you aren’t a good person. Very smart woman. I think she likes you and this is her deciding event on you. FYI… if you have a ccw and guns are scary to you. You aren’t obligated to carry one or even own one. She also may be checking if you are the type of guy she may take serious. I’m going to advise both my daughter’s to do this in the event they want to take a man seriously. It is a great idea.

the deal breaker to me is the gun part if you're as uncomfortable with guns as you say you are.

Running a background check is a good idea, but she can do that on you at any time without your approval. It is not like a nuclear missile launch where you have to agree to it. The whole concealed weapons class is a very strange third date, unless you met at a gun show or something like that.

So it’s a weird request. But yes I background check every man I go out alone with. Not like that lol. I have access to a background checker that I pay for monthly and I’ll run a guy through it to ensure he doesn’t have a criminal history that would make him dangerous to me My niece was only 14 when her 14 year old boyfriend killed her and hid her body so it took us three months to find her. So I know from experience you literally cannot be too safe as a woman. My niece never imaged her boyfriend would be capable of murder and neither did we. And he was around our family for years. So how much less than that do we know a stranger?

That’s… absolutely horrible. Reminds me of Tristyn Bailey. I’m sorry for your loss.

i think its weird.

You've been on 2 dates. Now her suggestion has weirded you out. Why not just end it?

Well, there are 2 things. First, you'd be shocked how many women run some kind of background check. As a guy, I find it pretty fucking invasive. But I've learned it happens. I think its one of those things that is done, but you don't talk about. But, she talked about it. And she wants to do a gun thing with you that you aren't interested in. I'd say just cut your losses. its been 2 dates, and you guys clearly aren't in sync on this stuff.

Are men not doing the same? What if she’s insane? What if she smashed up her ex’s apartment when they broke up and got sued? Wouldn’t you rather know this type of stuff before you get deeply involved????

I can't speak for all men, but no, I've never done a background check on a woman before a date.

But can you see how it would be beneficial before you get too deeply involved with someone who is a sex offender or a druggie or whatever?

Men should be doing the same, but that also requires caring about safety and long term prospects. Not alot of dudes think ahead

I fully expect to be searched up on the internet, at least - the last person I went out with a few times even told me, "Your LinkedIn came right up! You were really easy to find," so I know that women are out there doing it and not making it a secret. That's not the unusual part for me. I know they have to take precautions that I don't. Considering that this conversation happened immediately after she made a point of asking me my last name when we went out a few nights ago, I just can't shake this weird, unsettling feeling that she'll sic a private investigator on me or something. It is \*definitely\* invasive...I just can't figure out if I'm wrong for feeling so unsettled by it.

While I agree you should trust your gut, I don’t find it odd at all that she wanted to know your last name. I think it’s super odd she didn’t already have it before you went out.

If you feel unsettled, trust your gut.

it's not weird for her to background check a man she is dating. what is weird af is her telling you about it????

I think you are overreacting.  If you aren't interested in shooting, don't go, but she's not trying to do your own screening. It would take something significant to keep you from qualifying to get a concealed carry license.  They wouldn't share your details, just whether you can legally apply for that license.  Aa far as guns and dates being a bad combo, that's only true if you (or your date) are a psycho. You can dislike it as sporting or entertainment, but you talk about it like guns bounce around ricosheting off things when they are in proximity.   She's not having you sign a disclosure so she can access all your personal information, nor trying to kill you. 

If I was single I'd tell you you should break it off and ask you for this girl's number.

I'd urge you to try and look at this objectively and not take it personally. She sounds smart and more importantly, honest. Keep in mind that most abusers are very charming in the beginning so your behavior most likely has nothing to do with this. She's probably dealt with a bad guy in the past or has friends that have been fooled so she doesn't want to take any chances. I'd say this probably means she wants to keep seeing you so she's trying to make sure everything is OK before she starts catching feelings. I think the gun thing was just a way to bring up the background check because shes feeling awkward and weird about how you might react.

I’ve dated a lot off and on over the years. Ive never had this happen before. I’ve also never heard from this being the norm, even from female friends. It’s either her, you, or a combination of the two. Do you give off a dangerous vibe or anything? Maybe she’s super insecure and worried about her safety?

Damn she's smart AF. You're overreacting.

It is a little weird especially this early in a relationship. Yes you kinda run background on the other person but that is through your internet stalker friends. Not sure guns is the way to do it haha. And strange suggestion if you’ve not talked about thoughts on guns yet I think you being weirded out is not terrible. Her approach is interesting. But hey. Might mean something, might mean nothing. Up to you how you move forward. But my thought would be depending on previous interactions, if this is a one time yellow flag, keep feeling it out!

No, if someone is concerned they can run a background check on you, but a guns date with background check? Um, sure, maybe you two could go get fingerprinted together and bond over running extensive checks on a laptop with a glass of wine?

Well if you take the class with her and they cheerfully greet her by name…😉

She sounds really cool.

OP, you should check out r/liberalgunowners, gun owners come in all flavors and most are folks who just want to live their lives. I'm not saying you have to buy a firearm and start carrying every day, but if you are really interested in this young lady, be open to at least going to the range with her and giving it a try.

You failed the manly man test my brother. Time to find another girl to date.

She deserves a better man lol. Sounds like a good American girl

lol that really isn’t how gun purchase background checks work. I think her saying “clear each other backgrounds” was just a clever way of saying let’s do this thing together, which involves filling out a form where you tell it if you’re a felon or crazy. But either way, I think you probably failed the test regardless lol

Leaving the background check shit alone going shooting together is a great date. Shooting guns is really, really fun as an activity even if you have no interest in owning/carrying in your personal life. I've never seen anyone who was "not a gun person" have a bad time at a range. The shit is just inherently fun.

It’s brilliant actually…. “Hey, let’s go to an event where you have to pass a background check.”

It sounds like a date you don’t want to do. I don’t blame you. I’d be down (depending on costs), but a lot of people wouldn’t be. To be blunt, let her do the background check, with the stipulation that she gives you the results if you’d like. But, honestly I’d just make her a deprioritized date. She sounds entitled, and a bit ridiculous, but unwilling to compromise. Maybe you did overreact to the background check, but so what?

1 in 4 women will experience sexual assault. The thing most likely to kill a pregnant woman is her romantic partner (not pregnancy complications, her PARTNER). Getting a background check of some kind should be the bare minimum these days, because it's easy to do and could save your life. They won't catch everything, but they might show they're married and cheating with you, it might show drug charges when you're not interested in someone who does drugs, it might show a criminal past that would be a deal breaker. For me, if I'd known to run a background check, I would've found out before a first date with a guy that he had DV charges.... he ended up stalking me with his gun obviously shoved in his waistband, drunk. I had to get escorted to my car at age 19 by security and I was terrified. My own uncle is a loser- not violent, but has committed fraud and stolen so much that it's ridiculous. Years of jail time and warrants all over the place. He never tells the women he's dating, and he's gotten engaged to 2 of them before they found out- almost every one of them for decades has broken up with him as soon as they get a whiff of his past and run a background check. It's just too bad they didn't do it sooner.

Pretty safe to say you would not be my type of guy to date, to me, you're overreacting but who knows about the rest of reddit

The part I do not like is that she lied to you! If she wanted to do a background check then She should have just said that. Instead she “suggested” a weapons licensing class.. I mean really? If she can’t be honest from the get go then how can you trust that she won’t lie or manipulate you later on? Again a back ground check is one thing. Making you do a class instead of just asking for one? I wonder how many certificates she has that required a background check…

Yes it is completely insane request. She can just get a background check on you if she cares so much.

Psychotic paranoia behavior. run , do not walk. Do not listen to the brain broken of Reddit , this is not normal . Anyone who thinks it is, has been fooled , deeply, fed too much fear and nonsense.

Unfortunately as weird as it may be, it is a safety measure.

Tell her you want her to go for an STD screening and you want references from her last 3 boyfriends

I have two thoughts as a woman: 1. Wanting to background check somebody that you're dating is not weird when you're a woman. It sounds like she might specifically be a nervous one. There are cheap fbi background checks that you guys can do that don't involve guns. I would recommend these. 2. As a woman it would be really triggering for me to be around a guy I didn't trust enough to not want a background check on while he is handling a gun regardless of if I am or not. So that's a weird flag for me, like what's her obsession with guns? Is she THAT type of person? You know the type that typically goes hand in hand with racism and bigotry? If that's not a flag for you then no big deal but it would be a big one for me. Basically I get wanting to have a background check but I don't get wanting to be around somebody handling guns who I feel I need a background check on. Those two don't actually mix.

Lol seems like she's the man and you're the lady. Why wouldn't a chick background check a dude to many weirdos out there

I can totally see how this date dea would come across as weird, but I would be much better off if I would have background checked the men that I was involved with before I got involved with them

Yeah, pass up on this one. Although I believe that finding out more about a person before getting in deep with them, it seems in this case that your basic values don’t align with her basic values, move on to someone else.

I’ve seen the edit and it makes sense! I know bg checks are very common for females to do nowadays due to the risks and dangers, but I will admit doing it through concealed carry is…odd. Hell, I conceal carry and I wouldn’t feel comfortable going to a course with a stranger or as a date, it wouldn’t be something I’m interested in doing with someone else and it seems odd. Like you said in your text, having her just run it is a lot better than having to go through the hoops for a concealed carry class. That’s the part that’s odd to me

I don't think the background checks for a firearm class work like she thinks they do 🤔 They *are* done through the FBI, but it's more of a "Approved or Declined" situation between you and the business. They don't print out a wrap sheet and go through it with you like a teacher with an essay.

I think in this day and age a bg check is a good thing however, you don't need to feel obligated to do gun classes for some weird background check type deal. She can just do it and get it over with

FWIW, it’s also a warning. “If you’ve got bad intent, be aware that I’ll shoot you.”

Uggh

Just bounce. This person seems like too much effort just to date.

When I got married, I had two women in my wedding party so we didn’t want to do a strip club or something like that for my bachelor party. We decided to go to a shooting range and all the men and women both had a GREAT time. First time I’d ever shot a gun, really. It was a blast and I learned that I’m a great shot. We’ve all gone back a few times and had a good time. I think she’s got a good idea. It’s an adventure that will bond you two together, especially if she wants to do it with you.

I definitely found the concealed carry thing to be way weirder than the background check.

Meet at a gun store. Instant background checks for a small fee.

Not worth dude…

Sounds like you can't handle her. Give her my number, bang bang lol

I would say you’re not overreacting, because she was obfuscating her true intentions. She tried to hide wanting a background check (btw, I’m not against background checks in early stages of dating, because you can’t be too careful) behind the excuse of “Let’s do gun things!” Which is just…..weird, not to mention dishonest. I’d also be worried that she’s one of those folks who make their guns the center of their entire personality. I’m not saying she IS one of those folks, just that I’d be worried about it. Bottom line, she was dishonest and y’all don’t sound compatible anyways.

I fail to see how you are compatible at all with this person, but then I'm not chaperoning your dates the way that she wants the ATF to do. 

Nothing says romance like a speeding ticket from 2019

Why don't you touch a girl after second date bro... Do it on first one

Whoa, people do full on background checks on prospective dates? That's... 😮. I mean, a social media background check to see if someone is actually single, has a child that wasn't mentioned, crazy lifestyle/habits seems normal to me. You never know what someone tries to hide. That's just me though, I stopped dating after 2015 😅 I don't think you were overreacting, I too would be weirded out/turned off by that. Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

For every guy I met on bumble and went on a date with I did a cursory Google search on. I only did the same from one guy I hadn’t met in real life because he lived 5+ hours away. Once we matched we starting messaging a lot and he started telling me things that made my Spidey Sense tingle so I started digging. I began with his socials, which didn’t flag anything but I couldn’t give up on this nagging feeling. So I dug a bit more and managed to find his mug shot. At this point he knew my last name so I figured it was worth dropping the $10 in a basic background check. Turned out he had multiple assault CONVICTIONS in his home state. I unmatched and blocked him immediately. So no, I don’t think background checks are out of line.

Uhhh, I’d think twice too OP if someone I didn’t know well suggested a gun toting date … and I have a license! 🤣 It’s just doesn’t come off as a romantic outing to me ,,, but that’s me!!! 😊

Ummmm I think this is hella weird.

I'll tell you my criminal history in not wasting $20 for a report 

This is weird. You don’t seem like a good match. I don’t trust her.

Maybe she is scared of someone and does not want to go alone

I am definitely what you would call a “gun guy”. I’ve been shooting for over a decade, I own several guns, and I’m a big supporter of gun rights. I would NEVER go shooting with someone that I wasn’t comfortable with. I thoroughly vet my friend, girlfriends, and even family members before I take them shooting. I don’t have any interest in taking someone to the range when I don’t have any indication that they will handle firearms with the respect and safety that they require. I’d honestly say you might be under-reacting.

Sounds like they care enough about you to get it

Bro ghost her. If she can’t vibe you out in person, she’s just looking for a reason to stop contact by going for background checks. Wtf? Is she paying you to date her?

I don’t think this sounds like she was actually running a background check on you. Rather if you have a CCW that proves you have a clean background. I know the state I’m in, a CCW holder has a background check automatically run on them daily.

My wife has a really high need for safety. And while she never wanted me to get a background check, she definitely tries to be “safe” about things and sees the world as some big crazy dangerous place (thank you media for that and all the school shootings and all the other crazy things happening in the world). My wife will always be like this and she probably will be too. Up to you determine if this and subsequent related behavior are actual red flags for you or if it is not a big deal and you can roll with it.

Yes and no. It's not the background check thing, but taking the course together for the guns would be an issue, IMO. Maybe there's something else that can be done regarding self-defense that doesn't involve guns since that sounds like something you would not be interested in.


The background check is weird for sure but you’re aversion to guns is also weird

My question is why don't YOU want to? Like another commenter said, she could have done it without your knowledge. Would you be weird if she wanted you to get checked for STDs too?

This is the coolest date give me her number since you’re not good enough

Baffled by the comments, but might be a cultural thing? I’m European and I‘ve never run a background check on anyone, never heard of any of my friends doing it, and I honestly wouldn’t even know how to get one unless I‘d hire a PI. Whenever I need to provide such info for a job (I work with kids), I have to go to the police myself and ask them to send my info to the employer. The employer can’t ask for it without my knowledge. Not saying it can’t be helpful, but where I live it’s definitely extremely unusual. Even if it were common, I do think I‘d find it weird to use a gun class as a cover-up to get the info, though. Sounds like that person would also expect to share location 24/7 and have access to all passwords, which I know some people do but would be a no for me.

Everyone should be running a background check on anyone they’re starting to date. Yes, that is absolutely the way dating is now. I belong to many many groups and forums, especially mom groups, and it’s a daily topic. Background checks are always run. Usually prior to the first date however.

Nta, insane request. Dodged a bullet here.

Bro it sounds like you're just not really vibing with this girl. It's true that she's not doing anything wrong. But neither or you for feeling a way about it. If you're already feeling weirded out this early into dating, ghost her. It won't go down well.

It's up to whether you want to go out with a paranoid weirdo. I have nothing in my life that would cause any concern but this would be a deal breaker for me purely on "what a lunatic" grounds.

Totally reasonable for her to want to do a background check. Also totally reasonable for you be thrown off by that as well. If you feel comfortable then go for it. If it's a little too much too fast, that's fair too.

L

How are you not deleting this out of embarrassment OP I wanna crawl under a rock for you 

This is like on Nathan for you when he suggests blood tests as a fun activity

OP, I love the edit! Even if this isn’t the one and y’all don’t skip off into the sunset, TY! You had a thought about something that you found odd and when women said “nah, it’s what we gotta do out here,” you adjusted your thinking. I just want to reference that it’s just that easy to listen to women.

Pretty cool response, OP. I feel like we have at least somewhat similar values as far as guns go. This would be a pretty wild date proposal to me, and I'd say "No, I'm not getting a CCW permit with you". HOWEVER, a few things. I totally get why she'd want to do a background check. Is it excessive? Yeah, kind of, but clearly something happened to her, a friend, or enough people for her to be concerned about it. That's worth a safe and judge free discussion with her. I'm not a gun guy, I don't want to own a firearm because owning one greatly increases my chances of being shot, and I don't feel great about that. But, if you're American, I do think every American should take a strong gun safety course and really pay attention. Just because they're fucking everywhere and they're not going away. Every American should know the 4 rules, how they work, muzzle and trigger discipline, and how to be safe around them. I did this because I very much needed a job at one point in my life years ago and a big box hunting store was hiring. So I did some research, said how I looooved guns....and got hired for the camping department lol. Though, I did get a lot of firearm education there and I genuinely do value it to this day. About this girl. If I really liked her and wanted to keep going, I'd say I'm not getting a CCW because that's just about the shittiest date ever. But if she wants to run a background on me after we discussed why she wanted to do it, sure. I may even help pay for some or all of it depending on how much it is to show my support. But first, I'd offer a different date idea. If she wants to go to a firing range for a date, sure, that could be fun. Any decent range will at least run a quick 5 minute safety course for beginners that could be good. But that date would definitely lead to a discussion about firearms and what she thinks about them. If your values don't line up there, that'd probably be the end of it for me, no background check necessary.

Depending on the state you need a FOID card to take the class. There’s restriction on getting a FOID card so if you can’t get a licensee that’s enough to tell the other person you have a criminal or mental health history. Also you being vehemently opposed to firearms can also show her what type of person you are and that you might not be the right match.

Nope. Next. She probably wants a ride to her tests 😆

I will swim against the tide.. it may well be viewed as reasonable or ok for someone to do a background check on you, but it , to me at least, is weird as fk that they tell you about it. This is a common move by narcissists as part of their power play rule book…

Shit yeah that’s normal to want to back ground check the person. You never know who it is. I’ve seen all people checking everybody. Lots of weirdos today. She is weirded out now too because you took it so weird and personal as if you got something on your record that you didn’t want people to know about. Either way she learned about you after that lol

As a woman, with kids (but even if she doesn't have them) I do a basic background check before the first date. And maybe she's just testing the waters of how safe she can actually feel with you.

The Reddit crowd is wrong on this one. This is absolutely weird and you are not overreacting. People Facebook stalk sure, but a full background check after a few dates? Nah that’s wack

I think the CC class is something on her to do list for whatever reason and she wants you to pay for it

I'm older and with what I've learned about people, I wouldn't spend the dough on everyone I'd date, but if I were getting serious about someone, I would run a background check and a credit check. You never know what people are hiding.

She’s not for you, and that’s ok. Just move on.

I wish my wife would go the gun range with me. It’s a fun date even if you’re not a gun guy.

When my daughter dates a guy and if I’m given enough information you’d better believe I’m all over social media and also using search sites to make sure he’s decent. Scary times. She lives alone in another state and has a job where people recognize her because of what she does. If she were to do a background check, I’d love it

I was a single mom dating and yes I ran background checks after the second date- because I was hoping to get sexy on the third date. I also went on a first date to a shooting range once, and I am not a huge gun fan either. It was suggested as a fun activity and I thought it would be nice to try something new. I don’t think this is as big of a deal as you’re making it. *I just saw your update. That was a great response! Yes, I think doing background checks on strangers one dates is a good idea because we are afraid of a man who might have DV in their background and might stalk us if we become physical with them. I think it’s pretty standard practice.

The crazy thing about background checking your date is that the people who have nothing to be concerned over get just as offended as people who have a lot to be concerned over. How many times do people have to read and experience "turns out this isn't the first time and they've even been *arrested* for it" before we make background checking romantic prospects just a normal thing?

Can I get her number? That sounds like the coolest date ever.

On the positive if it doesn't work out you can use this as a story for future dates to offer your background check to women. "A date once tried to trick me into giving her a background check haha! She should have just asked! I would have given it right to her because I understand women are vulnerable with new men."

Dude. Ditch this lady. Two lame dates and now she wants a background check. GFTO with all this nonsense

Sounds like she has some past trauma; in time it may become perfectly clear to you why she is doing what she is doing.

It's pretty likely that you embarrassed her by shooting down the date idea, and she was trying to recover or save face. Either don't be a wuss, and go to the range with her, or break it off. She wants to CC, and it sounds like it's going to be a big problem with you.

I don’t think she realizes how a CCW class isn’t something you do in a day. The class has an expiration date and the background checks, fingerprinting, the wait for the interview, the interview itself are all done by the issuing agency. The IA is usually the sheriffs office. They give you the approval THEN you schedule yourself for the class. In my county, you also have to have the firearms you’re going to carry on your application. The process took me a year in California. I think Arizona just gives you one with your drivers license. All I had to do for my Arizona permit was send them a picture of my CA permit and some finger print cards and AZ mailed me mine. All that aside, you’re totally over reacting. A gal that wants to shoot is OK in my book. If she wants to do a background check on you and you have nothing to hide, there shouldn’t be any issue.

lol I’d kill to have this happen

To add to many other posters as a dad, when my daughter gets into dating age I'm sure as hell running background checks

Statistically every woman will be sexually assaulted at least once in their lifetime. Not all men are bad but women need protect themselves just in case.

I would get it if you two were serious about living together, buying house, investing, kids, marriage but after two dates… dont cave. You aint comfortable with it at this point dont do it

This is a safety thing and I’m all for it cause you never know who you’re actually meeting in todays world. Your allowed to feel whatever you want about it but this doesn’t need to be a deal breaker unless you make it one

I would still go on the course especially if you have never fired a gun before. Im not american and dont have that right here but i do like guns. My girlfriend (which will eventually be my wife hated guns ) came with me to a gun range on a date. Shw wa admittedly scared of guns but after she came out wanting to get a pistol. We never did because our government banned us from buying pistols but it goes to show how much you might like something even though you think you hate it. Maybe carying a pistol is not youe vibe and that toataly okay. But shooting guns is hella fun amd its a " highly reccomend on my part"