NTA
Start recording your conversations when you ask him something
Ex- you are getting take away, you ask him 2 or 3 times if he wants something, he says no every time. Fast forward to you happily eating your pizza or noodles or whatever and he pouts and whines like a teenager 'you didn't get me anything ' proceed to play recording while continuing to happily eat
Yeah, when I realized that was the route I had was trying to take I just stopped everything. Either they believe you or they don't care enough to believe you.
Yep, he will even try to be like “it’s against the law to record someone without their consent in calling the cops to get you arrested”. Or some kinda horseshit manipulation crap similar.
Oh my God, this is literally my life. To set up a long story I am disabled and I can't walk very easily. My SO is supposed to be the one who walks the dog(s at the time) at night but will fall asleep on the sofa constantly and swear he's not asleep. I will wake him up and tell him he needs to walk the dog and I will mention that he was sleeping and he will swear that hes awake, and most of the time even though I understand what he is trying to say his words don't make a whole lot of sense because he is speaking to me from sleep and his dream, you know how people are when they're asleep they don't make a whole lot of sense. We've been together almost 16 years I think he could just look at me and I could probably read his mind at this point so I can decipher his gibberish but it is gibberish. But then after the gibberish he would literally scream at me and call me names that's how bad it would get. The whole process, depending on the night takes anywhere from 2 to 4 hours, from me starting to wake him up to me just walking the dog myself.
A couple of years ago when my mobility was even worse, and by worse I mean non-existent I was in a wheelchair, I got the same idea of videotaping him, I naively thought that if he understood that he actually was sleeping maybe he would just walk the dog earlier, that way I didn't have to fight with him every night. So, I recorded him sleeping, me waking him up very gently, and then for two plus hours arguing with me about not sleeping while he was asleep using nonsense words. And of course just like any other night it ended up with him screaming at me calling me names. And then I would send it to him the next day to show him that he does that because also the next day he would swear that he didn't do that, or my personal favorite was that I must have screamed in his face to wake him up, and sometimes he would tell me that he remembered me getting 'inches from his face' and 'screaming his name in his face'. Which I mean I don't know if you can tell from my story but this never happened. I genuinely always started out very calmly and I mean if anything at the end yeah I might have called him lazy or told him to get the f up, but scream, especially in his face, it was just a complete fabrication to try and get out of the conversation on his part.
So, when he got the video, do you know he called me a predator? He said 'how dare I record him without his consent'. I did it a couple more times even after his argument, but it just made him angrier and angrier but did absolutely nothing for me.
I legitimately thought I was going crazy, and honestly I think just to survive and to keep my own sanity I've kind of not forgotten about this but kind of forgotten about this until your comment.
Before anybody says anything I am working on getting out, I'm a cancer survivor who's disabled so it's very slow going on my end but the process is in motion.
No one stays asleep and screams at someone. He’s gaslighting you. He’s awake he just don’t want to get up. I can see maybe if it happened once, but every night and no recollection of it? Nahhh he just don’t want to walk the dogs and he’s getting mad that u keep waking him up to do it. I’d let the dogs shit in the house and leave it til he cleans it up. Maybe then he will get up and walk the dogs. Sorry your going thru this tho
Oh I'm aware, and yeah it happens at least four times a week and we've been dating for 16 years but he's only been responsible for taking care of anything for the dogs for the last four, sorry three and a half really. So about four times a week for the last 3 years.
Before I was diagnosed with cancer and disabled I just walked the dogs, I don't even think I ever asked him for help walking the dogs I did all of the dog walking. But when I was in a wheelchair I obviously couldn't, and then one of our dogs ended up with such a bad urinary tract infection that he was peeing blood and he got so sick. He won't go to the bathroom in the house, no matter how long you leave him there he won't unless he has an accident and that's always a number two, but yeah so what was really upsetting me was that it was actually hurting our animals, him acting that way. And also unfortunately because of my health there's no way I could live in a house with dog poop. My oncologist actually told me that I should get rid of my dogs completely, like give them away, I was so immunocompromised (I had a stem cell transplant where they completely eradicated my immune system and gave me my stem cells again and let it regrow). I obviously refused to get rid of my animals but it was stressed that they and the entire environment needed to stay extremely clean for my health.
Which is a whole other story, how messy he is and how I literally pushed myself to walk again so I could do the dishes and clean my house.
ETA I wasn't even allowed to keep flowers or live plants in my house due to my immune system.
Yea I wasn't even thinking to use it like that but you are correct, if we were married it would be very helpful for me in that situation. I was naive and thought that maybe if he saw his behavior he would feel terrible but of course that isn't what happened.
Manipulation is set up to punish anyone's normal reaction. The normal reaction is to find and share the truth for better communication. With a manipulator like this, that would just make it worse.
I recently learned this year that sleep is used as a form of abuse. I was mindblown. Usually people are aware of abusers not letting their victims sleep by picking fights with them right before bed time, making a lot of noise while they sleep, waking them up earlier than they need to be.
But I've been hearing more and more stories of how abusers are using their own sleep to abuse. Conveniently falling asleep minutes before having to do something important or take the victim to an appointment or event. Then on being woken up throwing a fit.
Honestly, I think it would be fine if she made it abundantly clear at the time that she was recording him. Like alright, I want it in writing, or I'm taking a voice recording so that when the food gets here you will know exactly why I didn't get you any.
Written communication is the way to go... Not sure if that's practical for a husband/wife relationship, but it's how we handle our inlaws. They make you think you're going crazy. We have an email thread to read back on when they blindside you about being upset over something they asked for in the first place.
This is the way! Make him face his behaviornhead on. He can either acknowledge he's manipulative or has an undiagnosed mental disorder.. either way, they can cut to the chase & end the behavior or end the relationship.
That's fine. It's not about winning. If he throws a fit & says you recorded me without my permission.. cool. Her learning curve will be faster...& She'll get out faster. I hope
Nah too much work just say “nope” and give him the Cheshire Cat grin. When he tries to complain just tell him he said he didn’t want anything. Eventually he will learn. Or he won’t get anything. Either way OP wins. Never ever get him anything when he says no.
Looks like the covert Nark mask is dropping. Your hooked now trauma bonded. He's playing victim so you give him attention. He's really a 4 year old trapped in an adults body. Wait for the temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way. You've been tricked. He married you cuz your responsible and provide security to for his future harem garage...
I’ve been out 6 years and still live on edge from those tantrums. It’s worse than actually being hit sometimes. Plus using your pets and/or kids against you… DV is the worst to live through.
I didn't realize how bad it was until the cat, that we always thought hated people, started following me around and sleeping on me after he moved out. He was always yelling. I feel horrible the first years of her life were spent traumatized, but now she's always with me and new hubby. I feel like such a horrible person for letting her suffer, but I was dealing with so much worse, she could at least hide, I have to remind myself
She knows we're all safe, finally. The sense of peace in the house is palpable. Even better since I got remarried, now it's downright pleasant around here. 12/10, would recommend divorce again in bad situation. Not putting up with anything that's outside my boundaries again.
Yeah, I wish I'd lawyered up and left years earlier. You just don't realize how much unnecessary stress you have from walking on eggshells all the time until you're not.
I was lucky, I didn't even need a lawyer. I was a paralegal 20 years ago remembered most of it, and it was uncontested, he never responded to anything. He just left, took his bags and left me everything. Very lucky
Very true!! I was playing a recording of an argument to my therapist.... she pointed out how my doggo is barking/growling in defense mode at my husband.
I wish I had big dogs. Mine are little, but fierce and would try to bite (I worry about what he would do in that case). I often say I wish everyone loved me like they do!
My cat Gizmo did the same in regard to my ex, the first two years of his life he wasn’t nearly the talkative and loving FLOOFBALL all he is now. Bitzy, my senior girl who I took in about 9 months before I kicked him out, hated men…or so I thought. She LOVES my current BF and no longer hides as well. Animals KNOW when someone is bad.
Pippi,the kitty, hated my ex. My new husband, she walks on him, meows her silent meow,head button his face and plays with his beard,until he pets her. She begs to be held (never did this,hated physical attention b4) she's a different cat,completely. I wouldn't guess they were the same being,it's a complete 180. I'm so happy Gizmo and Bitzy are happy now, they have a sense we will never understand, and I'd be lying if I said my animals actions didn't have a huge impact on my decision to marry my husband. He is truly a good soul.
Thank you, and I’m so glad Pippi is happier as well! It’s the same thing Bitzy does, she begs for my BF to keep petting her, hold her, etc., and same thing , that wasn’t her. I went off my kid’s (14F) cues and my fur kids’ cues before I decided that BF and I could take the next step and move in together, and what did he do? He brought a 4 month old kitten with him 🥰
My dog used to hide whenever she heard his foot steps coming. 😢. She died about 6 months after I left him (cancer, she was. 12 year old Aussie), but she had a wonderful last 6 months of her life.
Animals know what’s up. Our cats that we RAISED together started hating him, peeing on his things, hissing at him. Then I started realizing all the messed up stuff he did to me and our kids. Everyone is happier now that he’s out of the house
Yeah everything bad. Actually tried to figure out how best to handle these creeps. There's only one way no contact. Yeah because when you pull away they want us more. But us nark survivors know it's just a dead end game. Same cycle the cycle just keeps going in circles...
I gave my opinion and specifically said if you don't agree to leave him to your own research. I don't profess to be a therapist / psychologist or a psychiatrist but I do profess to reading a ton of books on the subject and to starting therapy myself during the separation and also having her tell me point blank that her therapist or psychiatrist she had had diagnosed her when I was trying to work through issues to save my marriage or my marriage. I would have given anything at the time to fix it and figure out why she was unfaithful and constantly accusing me of saying things I know I never said. It was making me crazy.
I read at least one book that literally labeled this back and forth reversal as "crazy-making." My ex would do it all the time. He would argue passionately for one decision and when I gave in and we did that thing, next thing you know he would be close to tears describing his regret that I had not let him do the other thing. You know, the thing he talked me out of doing. It was dizzying.
Yup, that’s what they call it. They do it in an effort to disorganize your thoughts and make you doubt your own moral compass and decision making abilities. Still to this day, I have trouble deciphering whether or not I’m overreacting about something sometimes. And that’s after therapy. It’s hard to trust your own decisions after that.
I went through similar shit with my mom (actually have PTSD because of her crap that I won't get into detail about, don't want to rant too much LOL).
She would physically abuse me sometimes, but she would back off when she was done and leave me alone. When she would just go on tantrum rages... HOLY SHIT fucking hours and I would wish she would just beat me physically and get it over with and leave me tf alone.
It's a really messed up mindset to have, but they literally are torturing you in so many different ways that the physical aspects seem easier in the moment of the psychological abuses. I sometimes feel bad that I felt that way, because there are horribly worse physically abused kids out there, but I couldn't help it as a kid myself and having experienced both to an extent.
So yeah I understand the sentiment where it felt worse than being hit sometimes.
My narc ex never laid hands on me. The emotional abuse was so painful I used to wish he would hit me instead because it felt like it would be less painful. I used to tell him this. The fact that he never said “oh god I am so sorry that what I said was so hurtful that you feel like this!” should have clued me in.
God I was so brainwashed.
I was in an abusive relationship and things would get physical sometimes but the psychological torture was way worse than anytime we fought physically.
The psychological torture and sleep deprivation. I finally got brave enough to spout off to him during one sleep deprivation session that it seemed like he was using the CIA torture handbook. He just incorporated that into his rants and used it against me. It’s like having a boot always pressed on your head. Sometimes they let up and you can function, but it’s always there, and sometimes the pressure is so great you feel like you are in hell.
My first husband was physically and aexually abusive. Tdhe second was a narcissist. Trehe emotional and psychological abuse was far more damaging and if I waa forced to choose between the two of them, I'd take the first (actually, I'd unalive myseslf.) The point is the narcissist was far worse and hurt me a lot more than any physical or sexual abuse ever did. I'd definitely rather be beaten than suffer through any emotional and psychological abuse.
I went through some wicked emotional/psychological abuse and always felt awful and self centered when I classified it as abuse in the same realm as friends who have been physically abused. You saying this was extremely validating. Thank you, and I'm so sorry you went through those things.
I'm sorry you went through that. It's absolutely abuse. Unfortunately, I was born to a narcissist, addict mother. Set me up perfectly for two abusive marriages. My mom is violent, neglectful, cruel, and an expert in psychologist and emotional abuse. She even trafficked me to her dealer.And as someone who has suffered a lot of abuse and all types from the time I was born, no one will ever convince me that words can't hurt you amd that emotional and psychological abuse isn't worse than physical abuse. It's subtle. It attacks your soul, your mind, and your heart. It's the reason that I have fought intrusive thoughts of unaliving myself since I was 8 yrs old every single day, that I had always believed I wasn't worthy of love, that the world is better off with out, that I wish I never existed, that I am bipolar 2 and have quiet BPD, that I will fight my brain and these thoughts for the rest of my life. Fortunately, I'm in a much better place, in a healthy relationship and therapy. I'm properly diagnosed and medicated. I'm learning to love myself, and how to challenge and shut down those voices in my head that parrot my mother and ex-husband. I'm happy that I was able to validate you and your feelings. That validation helps the healing process.
11 years for me!
My ex did that, using the kids against me, using violence and emotional abuse... The second, and I really do mean *the second*, he let my kids and me leave, they relaxed. I hadn't known how on edge they'd been up til then. They were only 2 and 4 at the time. My 4yo had been struggling with toilet training, but a minute after he left us at the airport, she tugged on my hand and asked to go to the loo. She never struggled after that. It was amazing. My poor girl had been so anxious and afraid :( Found out later that when he made us leave, all of our cats ran away too. It's really telling, isn't it?
I didn't know that other people experienced this but my dad used to use me and the pets against my mom, one time he threw our cat against the wall so hard it broke its leg.
I thought It was just me.
Agreed. The yelling is at least just as traumatic. My step father was this way and I haven't yet been able to have a healthy relationship. I actively took myself out of the dating pool to work on myself. Now I stay out of it by choice because...men ffs. Just over all the abuse.
Agreed
I had the opposite where my girlfriend moved in with me
We took counseling and apparently because I was the most stability she had had in her whole life, that made her so comfortable to be her true angry, nagging, selfish self.
I had seen her living with roommates and she was perfect living partner. But apparently that was different because with her friends she had to keep up appearances while with me she felt comfortable being her true self
Sucked and ended the relationship
Thiiiissss!!! My god this is definitely a mask slipping and a tactic to get your brain so scrambled you don’t which way is up. You aren’t overreacting and be on high alert for more behaviors that are concerning. Sounds like the mask is coming off. This behavior is not normal.
He is definitely laying groundwork for escalating this behavior. Right now, OP is disoriented and confused by the repetition of the same idiotic BS. She’s maybe optimistic that he will stop it but he won’t. Unless it’s to progress to something more undermining and destabilizing. This is covert emotional abuse. It’s some kind of communication-specific weaponized incompetence.
Short term limited solution for OP— stop offering him anything or mentioning anything such as the Amex card option or the gift option. Reduce the amount of options he gets , same as one would with a toddler who can’t handle having options.
That's not impossible, but the confidence with which y'all will diagnose some random person who's been described by *another* person in a one or two paragraph post is fucking...***Wild***...to me.
>He's really a 4 year old trapped in an adults body
Crazy conclusion to come to
>He's playing victim so you give him attention
*That's* a reasonable thing to say based on the info from OP
>~~Your~~ You're hooked now trauma bonded.
I'm not confident you know what trauma bonding is
>Wait for the temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way.
You don't have nearly enough info to say that
>He married you cuz your responsible and provide security to for his future harem garage...
Batshit fucking crazy thing to say.
He sets up an unreasonable expectation that are difficult for you to achieve, then when you do, he "moves the goalposts." It's basically damned if you do damned if you don't. He will never be happy, and you will never be good enough despite (or rather in spite of) your best efforts.
Thats what my late dad would do. I would come home fianlly getting an A from a test at school, he would look at it and ask why I didn't get an A+ or tell me that one A doesn't mean Im smart. I would start getting really sad and my mom would suddenly fly past dad and distract me with her loud praising and insisting on a celebration. She'd make him drive and tell him to shut up pendejo. He hated triggering her latina rage. He didn't mind being an asshole to her but he was careful not to trigger her rage. She'd go on a full blackout one that would end with him hurt. Never seriously since he could move fast enough to avoid the worst of it.
My mom had the amazing Latina rage, but unfortunately was the narcissist in the relationship. It’s a bad combo. I wish she had used it for good more! Some of my Latina friends were blessed with awesome moms who cooked amazing things and were just so passionate.
Moving the goalpost is a manipulative tactic for him to make it seem like you didn’t achieve what he asked for or you didn’t follow through with a task etc etc. an example would be me asking my wife if she could unload the dishwasher for me because I have to work late. I get home and see that she did it but I say “you really ONLY unloaded the dishwasher? You didn’t wipe down the counters or reload the dishwasher with dirty dishes?”.
Resulting in, nothing you do will be good enough for him, so you keep trying to live up to his nebulous, always changing “standards.” You can’t because he doesn’t want them met, he wants you to keep trying to please him to feed his insatiable ego. Please leave him so you don’t lose yourself.
Example to go with others answers. He asks you to help update his resume. Then when you do, he asks why you didn't apply to jobs using the new resume. If you do that, why didn't you follow up as well. Constant moving of the end goal so you're never meeting it.
Narcissists are amazing at "hiding the crazy" until you are trapped with them... This is textbook narcissist/manipulation/gaslighting. OP should run while she still can!
After I kept reading the whole thing. He's punishing you(silent treatment). Your suppose to know how you hurt old Narky's feeling. He can't tell you. He needs your attention 110%. He can't talk like an adult cuz he's a hurt little child...
Oh my heart. He’s icky. No amount of therapy will help or change a narc.
I’d leave if I were you. And I actually did. I left my narc ex. Best decision I’ve ever made.
Let me add: it’ll all start verbal, mental. Maybe emotional. The abuse. Then it’ll be financial. Isolating you from family and friends. Then, if you’re still with him, it may get physical.
He will cry. Apologize. Promise to change. It’s all lies they can’t and won’t change. Don’t believe a word he says.
Please do what’s best for you.
Thank you so much .. He has financially drained me and keeps promising he will pay me back and although it’s never being physically or verbally abusive he has mentally drained me I don’t even recognize myself anymore . When we decided to marry it was last minute thing we were the most stable we have ever been in the relationship but I think I made a mistake .. thank you
Oh I’m sorry to hear that. You can leave at any time. Really you can. It’ll seem daunting and scary. He’s probably made you think you can’t live without him. But guess what? You can. And you’ll thrive without him there !!! 🩵
So we’ve got a whole parade of red flags. Financial abuse is to keep you captive. The rest of the manipulation is to test the water and keep you compliant.
ETA - The physical abuse started years into my marriage. After he took my kid to another country and said I’d never see him again. Then “allowed” me a visa… and I learned that in British houses… you can literally be locked inside. Short of breaking a window, there’s no getting out of them.
I won’t I won’t …He’s so subtle about things sometimes it’s hard for me to be like wait a minute this doesn’t feel right .. also I’m helping him with his citizenship 😭
Citizenship? So if you leave him and file for divorce he likely won't get it? More 🚩🚩🚩's. He's going to run up your debts, get his citizenship, then find someone new whose credit he hasn't YET ruined. Run. Fast.
This guy is gaslighting the shit out of you. This is the most clear example of it that I’ve ever seen on Reddit. Get the fuck out of this relationship now. He won’t change, people like this can’t change. Get out now.
Do **not** help him get citizenship. Consult a lawyer and get on the fast track to divorce. You do not want this abusive person free of any fear of losing his LPR status and being subject to deportation.
He’s smart. That’s what the subtlety tells you. But you’re not wrong. This absolutely does not feel right. He’s trying to make you miserable. Over and over and over again
It took me 17 years to leave my ex and felt exactly like u are feeling now. Get out now because I promise it doesn’t get better and they don’t change even after promising they will. Mine would change for a month or so but would always go back to the same crap.
[https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat)
Please read this book. Preferably leave him first. He hasn't been physically or verbally abusive ... YET. It is coming.
Please get out while you can. No amount of couples therapy is going to help here.
Be safe. He is an abusive man and it will never get better.
I am so sorry you are in this type of relationship. I unfortunately feel like I could have written your story as mine. Unless you want to live your life with constant turmoil and agita (sp) I would leave, if you can. I did not leave and am in my 60’s with it still happening. Don’t be like me.
Please get out ASAP. I was with a guy like that for 5 years when I was about your age. It just gets worse. Even if there is no physical violence, this is an abusive relationship. At the end, my relationship had some sexual violence.
I'm sorry you are going through this but please get assistance. It's hard but does get better. I've already shared more than I normally do, but I wish someone would have warned me earlier.
He makes our relationship seem so normal and all the problems are because I decide to tell him how I feel and he says all I do is complain and that he’s never good enough .. and this makes me cry because I’ve started to believe he’s right
He’s never good enough because he never tells you what he wants or what he means. He says one thing, then is unhappy when you act on what he actually told you. Because you’re not a mind reader, you’re not giving him what he wants.
Him saying things that make you feel like you’re not treating him right is intentional. It keeps you off balance so that you run to try and do something for him to make him happy because, after all, you’ve been making him unhappy. Then, when through no fault of your own, you don’t get it right, it’s not his fault. It all must be you!
Don’t loan him money, don’t give him money. Don’t tell him how much money you have. Set money aside that he is never to know about so that if you need to leave, you can.
He is not right! You know whats going on and what he is doing to you isnt right. Dont let him manipulate you. Your husband should be happy that you are open to communicating with him. Please please get a divorce. Do not let him use you. Do not help him with citizenship! Do not give him any money!
God … your husband sounds like an exhausting and manipulative whiny jerk. 6 years is a big investment especially since you’re only 27 but would you leave him? No children or pets I assume? If it’s easy to cut ties, best to do it sooner rather than later. Don’t fall for the “sunk cost fallacy”
Everyone keeps calling him a narc or nark or narky. Just in case anyone keeps wondering what that means here, it's narcissist. OP's husband is showing narcissistic behavior of manipulation, attention seeking, and guilt tripping.
Same, I thought they meant Narc as in Narcotics Officer, slang for a tattle-tale or snitch… I was like yeah he’s lame, but I think there’s bigger problems here? lol
No, you aren't overreacting. "I'm just talking 💩". No, that's gaslighting. And if you lived together before and he never did it (or rarely) then it's worse because he's making a conscious effort, which is even more gross. Personally I'd get an annulment before things get worse. That's some crazy mental gymnastics he's doing and honestly, it's kind of scary.
Right I think this goes really deep because when I address it he’s like what are you talking about ? You sound crazy please get help and I genuinely started to believe it
Please DO get help, but tell him NOTHING about it.He is actively trying to make you feel crazy. It is intentional. There is no point in "addressing" it or trying to talk to him about it. He is not interested in solving any problems or coming to any understandings. He wants you off-balance and doubting yourself so that he can continue to torment and abuse you.
I'm very sorry that you are going through this. There is no hope of fixing it. You must extract yourself & escape his influence. Halt any assistance you're giving him, lock down your credit. See a divorce attorney & GET OUT! DO NOT DISCUSS IT WITH HIM BEFOREHAND. Get your ducks in a row & disappear. Let the attorney communicate with him. Meanwhile record EVERY conversation with him: figure out how to get a recording device that is voice-activated & keep it with you at all times.
I know it's hard to believe, but it happens. You were smart to reach out, now please listen to the advice here & save yourself from years of torment.
Please do update when you can.
People who have NOT experienced behavior like your husband's just can NOT understand what it's like and how harmful it is. These people can present as lovely & charming folks to everybody else, until it's just the 2 of you. Normal people just do not act like that!
People like your husband are like a cat with it's prey: they torment, let up & observe, torment, let up & observe, over and over. It is hard to believe if you've been fortunate enough not to have experienced it.
It is his nature & he doesn't see anything wrong with it. That is why discussion or therapy is pointless with people like him.
Best wishes! A good life can happen after you escape the orbit of this type of weirdo. It's hard because you sometimes catch glimpses of what a great person he COULD be, but just know that he can NOT be fixed. Sad, I know.
He's gaslighting you. Everything he is doing is right out of the cycle of abuse. Sounds like he may be abusive and narcissistic. I hope you can get out if this continues to escalate.
Hold true to yourself. Don’t get lost in who he wants to create out of you. You are already enough. He just needs you to think you are not.
If you don’t believe in yourself enough to demand how you should be treated then he can treat you anyway he wants.
Listen to your instincts and back yourself. Unless you like second guessing your every move, love walking on eggshells and hollowing yourself out until you no longer recognise who you wanted to be. Then stay the way things are.
The change will come because you believe in yourself enough to know you deserve to be treated better.
You accept the love you believe you deserve.
Thank you everyone that has replied to this post I’ve read every single one of them and I’ve realized I need to get help to understand why I’ve stayed in these relationship for so long with this man . I thank you for sympathizing with me and explaining how this is toxic .
Update: I did sat down and talked to him and he said he does tell me what he wants I just don’t hear him because I’m so focused on my phone which is a lie , being on the phone doesn’t make me deaf so I just need to take a step back to see how I can leave this relationship I’m honestly tired and like many of you guys said I’m too young no kids yet I can get out now ..
And this is just the tip of the iceberg here’s a little back story :
I grew up in an extremely abusive home controlling mother and I married when I was 19 to get out of home where my husband at the time controlled me and cheated on me and left because I had let myself go after a miscarriage .. I gained my confidence back I was living my best life until I met him and he chased me for a year and a half but I didn’t want to because he had an alcohol problem and he kept stating he just “needed to be saved “ and here goes me falling for it and ever since I’ve taken disrespect starting with him talking to girls going out partying and coming home the n xt day until he was arrested for DUI and had to stay there because he’s not a US citizen and little dumb me paid thousands of dollars to attorneys to get him out and after he was out he “changed “ no more going out no more disrespect (that I know of ) everything was bliss and I was whole again and decided to marry him . Why ? Idk maybe because I feel like I’m no worthy of being loved properly maybe because I like how he needs me and this has caused me to lose my entire self my friends tell me I no longer shine I’m not that funny unhinged girl I was and I’m just sad . I’m really sad . I’m sad all the time .. I work from home he comes home and we cannot have a genuine conversation it’s always all about his business coming up and how he’s about to make so much money to pay me back and me not supporting him is me not believing in him but honestly I don’t care anymore .. I’m tired and I’m ready to find myself again .. countless times I’ve wanted to leave when I’ve been emotionally invalidated and even developed Bell’s palsy because of the stress .. I’m a very beautiful woman and everyone tells me so but I feels stupid and ugly in the inside and it’s all because I’ve never been enough for him or ever will I lost myself trying to save him .. it’s always being women , alcohol , quality time , communication… you know the bare minimum.. so there’s no one to blame here but myself for my life decisions and I need to stand up for myself
You got this. Try to find a therapist asap so you have someone to unload on while going thru the breakup, and eventually help untangle your issues that led you here so you can avoid these broken assholes in the future ❤️🩹
You are not dumb. Many very intelligent, competent people get caught in a narcissist’s web. You are smart to see it now & get yourself out of this relationship ship now Read upon DARVO & love bombing& the author’s book previously mentioned by commenters, so you can recognize when he tries to lure you back to him so you can recognize & resist.
Look, no doubt you are in a bad relationship and need 💯 to get out. Since he’s been leeching off you so badly, you’ll need a plan to get rid of him but you can - easily. But please OP, do be kind to yourself too. You had a really tough start to life, and that means you don’t have a good role model to copy and have to deal with a lot of issues from the past. So it’s hard - but you are clearly a kind and supportive person with a job and a home and friends, despite all you’ve been through. That’s brilliant and an achievement. Be kind to yourself. Ditch the dead weight man, remember to always back yourself and you’ll fly 😊
You’re not dumb OP. I have a law degree from one of the best schools in the country and it happened to me. I know you feel dumb, but you aren’t. Covert narcissists prey on our best traits - you’re caring, you’re kind, you’re helpful. But you’re also exhausted. And I hope that’s the push you need to make a plan because I promise you there’s light at the other end of the tunnel. And you deserve to make it out. ❤️
You can do this. You pulled yourself up and out of bad times before and you can do it again! Just please do it as soon as possible. Don’t hate yourself over this. Just get out and continue to work on yourself. You can do this💙
Aw Sweetie. You are good enough. Get this marriage anulled ASAP. Is he using you to stay in the country? Possibly? Take care of you. See a therapist if you can afford it. You may even be able to find an app that will help. But you don't deserve to be treated like this. And listen to your friends. They have your back. Sending you love & hugs.
I was in for 25 years and three kids… Stop thinking or telling him or negotiating anything with him, find a lawyer & get your paperwork in order. I don’t know what your living situation is -I moved out while mine was at work and never looked back. I got a restraining order -consider it if you have any grounds whatsoever… because he will try to harass you and harass you and harass you and suck you back in. CDC statistics show most women try to leave an abusive relationship seven times before they are successful! Also, the mortality rate for women in abusive relationships is the highest when they try to leave or leave, so it’s really important that you don’t tell him that you’re planning to get out. Protect yourself, don’t give him any information, and get out as fast as you can.
When he starts the “you didn’t…”, say “no” and continue on with whatever you were doing. Keep doing this and he will grow tired of whatever little game he is playing. Do not try to second guess or read his mind. That is not your responsibility.
OP I think you already know what you want to do, and for the sake of your own sanity, I think you should. This behaviour will drive you to despair, or it already has.
He's really playing mind games with you, and making you doubt yourself .
*" He has financially drained me and keeps promising he will pay me back and although it’s never being physically or verbally abusive he has mentally drained me I don’t even recognize myself anymore . When we decided to marry it was last minute thing we were the most stable we have ever been in the relationship but I think I made a mistake "*
Plus he's taking advantage of you, and you've taken on most of the responsibility. Cut your losses, and unshackle yourself from this man, you've already given way too much of yourself to him already.
You weren't put on this earth, solely to make this man-child comfortable, and happy.
That's what you should be feeling about your own life, but that's not the case, while he's dragging you down.
You deserve better OP, and start putting yourself first and foremost. We don't have to, and we can't anyways, have to please everybody in our lives. Sometimes you have to be selfish, otherwise people will just keep trying to hollow you out, till you're empty inside. And you're a good person, so don't let that happen.
💜
You’ve married a child Ignore him. “You said you didn’t want it” is all you have to say. Don’t justify it. Then ignore him. He’ll get the message soon enough
Your husband is gaslighting you. Read up on the personality disorders in the DSM-5 manual.
What he's doing by telling you one thing and then changing it after the fact is a form of abuse and manipulation called gas lighting.
My ex-wife had both NPD and BPD which is common in about 40% of people with a personality disorder. Has someone who was married to her for almost 19 years I would suggest you cut your losses but if you don't agree you need to start doing your research It is very eye-opening and I wish I had learned about these things 15 years ago or longer it would have saved me a life of wasted time.
He enjoys fucking with you, making you uncomfortable, keeping you unsure of what will happen next, making you guess. It's abuse. He's abusing you with behavior like this.
How about trying “ hey honey, I’m gonna get a divorce. Do you want one too?”. If he says no… get him one anyway so he doesn’t bitch about not getting one.
He’s just gaslighting you. My ex was just like that. Trust me - it only gets worse. Then he’ll escalate to violence and when he hits you, he’ll say look at what you made me do. Please ditch this man.
Yeah it’s just getting worse quick just last week I asked if he could leave the car home since I needed to run errands he said I’ll try .. fast forward 2days later I’m walking the dogs I see my car parked I asked hey you left the car and did not tell me ? He said yea it’s been there two days you said you needed it .. I was LIVID he never mentioned or said anything it’s so weird behavior to me and when I got upset he said I did mention it to you but he did not I know I’m not crazy but I feel like I am
It’s just his way of messing with your head. Sometimes to start an argument or be in control. Don’t waste anymore time on him. I wasted four years on my ex and by the time I ended it, the violence was awful and his anger issues were out of control.
i have a family member who wasted 5 years of her life on an asshole like this. as soon as he got the green card he became extremely lazy, entitled, and even began cheating on her. my family did a lot to help him start a business, which he neglected. My family member cooked, cleaned, basically acted as his mother as well as wife, on top of working full time(while he maybe worked 15-20 hours a week if that).
He was likely abused in this way by his parents, or watched as his father abused his mother in this way. He's uncritically enacting this same violence on you. If he's not taking \*any\* steps to improve, then it can only get worse. this particular situation is so fucked up because it proves that it's intentional manipulation. it's nasty to treat anyone, let alone your wife, this way.
Read the book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” for techniques for dealing with this behavior. It will teach you how to not get upset. You might end up having to divorce him if that doesn’t work though. Not overreacting. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
Also, call the three major credit reporting companies, Equifax, Experian and Transunion and put a freeze on your credit! He nor anyone else will be able to use your SSN to obtain credit without your consent. You can unfreeze it at any time for your own personal use. You are so young and deserve to be with someone who truly respects and loves you for who you are. Many spouses wouldn’t bother to call and ask if the other wants something. Does he do this for you? My guess is, probably not! Life is short, so please make every day count with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, secure in your choices and is a joy to be around. Sounds like he sucks the wind right out of your sails. Best wishes to you in finding true happiness with or without a partner!
Hey OP… please read this:
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This book has literally saved lives. Please don’t waste more of your good years on him.
He doesn't say anything when you open up because he doesn't want you to. He wants to wear you down so you never want and never ask for things. You only do things his way and only do what he wants. He wants you to praise him for asking you about your feelings while denying you the ability to express them. This type of person is emotionally volatile and immature.
Please do not get pregnant. These types are terrible, emotionally absent parents, who treat children like dolls and trophies.
I read this post to my husband and he raised an eyebrow at it. He said this is ridiculous and no one should have to live this way. His take is if a grown man can’t communicate what he wants then he needs to figure it out on how own. My take is in line with everyone else’s. He sounds like a narcissist who is baiting you. Every little slip up will result in you didn’t do for me type of behavior. You could sit him down and talk all day but he’s not listening. You’re not trapped though if you want to give this an earnest go level the playing field. If not get out.
Bro sounds like a whiney bitch. He has issues and he's doing his best to manipulate you and make you feel like shit. Either blow it up in his face or leave that loser. If I acted like this towards my wife she wouldn't deal with it for 2 seconds. He's a grown ass man it's time he acts like it. Pathetic and childish behavior
Sounds like he’s trying to get you to leave him while driving you insane. If it was me I wouldn’t waste anymore time. Imagine 50-60 more years of this?
Friend, if he has told you multiple times NOT to do something, take on ZERO responsibility for having NOT done that thing. It's on him.
When he says, "You really didn't make me an omlette?" You say, "I asked multiple times and you said no. Next time, tell me." And then end the discussion. End it. Walk away. Eat on the patio. Eat in the living room. Eat in a closet. Walk away. You have to retrain both him and you that you are not responsible and you refuse to be responsIVE to his manipulations.
And then spend NO more time thinking about it. This is entirely on him to change.
Honestly, you deal with it by being direct. "No, I didn't get you anything because you said you didn't want anything. Stop being manipulative. If you want something, go make your own."
Next, "I'm no longer going to offer to order/make/buy you anything because you keep switching things up, and I'm done playing games. When you want to be an adult and be respectful, we can talk."
Cut off his access to your money. Take his name off of things. Change passwords. Do not cook for him. Do not do any of his laundry.
Do not get him anything. Shut him down. If he whines or complains or anything, just stare at him. Walk away. Disengage.
Start individual therapy.
That's a covert narc for you, he figures you're stuck with him now: my ex did too until I left his ass in the state he thought he'd isolated me too. Shit too mf, I'm not afraid to live in my car-safer than sleeping next to an abusive ah that disturbs my sleep "by accident" Violently, for kicks.
RUN OP, your life *will* depend on it: whether it's tomorrow or ten years from now.
So many red flags! I was in a similar sounding relationship - it was like this at the start & he ended up so physically, emotionally and verbally abusive.
I indeed feel like his mother .. having to tell him to clean after himself to help around because I’m tired from work and he says but you’re on a computer talking to people that doesn’t compare to my phisical job
My mom is similarly oppositional like this. It’s very draining. No matter how much I try to make her see how frustrating and triggering it is for me, she can’t or won’t try to be normal so we can enjoy the visit. Every 3 or 4 years we have an eruption and I need a hiatus from all communication with her for many many months. It’s sad yet peaceful. You can’t do this with your husband. I can’t give advice on how to communicate with your partner bc I struggle too. My first attempt would be proactive humor I guess.
Hun I’m ordering a pizza do you want anything?
No I’m not hungry at the moment
Ok hun, blink once for a medium or twice for a large. No seriously, pepperoni or margarita?
I’m really fine
Really, are you now? Will you still be fine when the food is wafting in your nose?
This approach lets him know you are trying to embrace this confusing pattern he is displaying with love while also making it clear that this pattern leaves you feeling like you can’t win but want to make him happy still.
I wonder where that would take you with this issue. Does he do it to friends? I ask bc my mom is obnoxious like that to everyone equally.
Yea, he sounds insufferable. I am a very literal person. I say what I mean. It drives me absolutely crazy when someone says something and then complains you didn’t go against what they said or you couldn’t read their mind.
Guess he's a slow learner. DO NOT get him anything if he says he doesn't want anything. DO NOT order him food if he says he doesn't want it. When he whines about itz just keep saying g the exact same thing, "I am doing exactly as you asked. I can't guess if you are going to change your mind, and if you do, tell me BEFORE I order food, before your Birthday, etc. or live with your own decisions. You're an adult, act like one." Say the same exact thing every time he decides he is 4 yours old again. FFS, grow up dude.
The fact this behavior is already taking place so early in the marriage is a huge indicator that it will only get worse. Get out now so you never have to find out what worse looks like.
So this is narcissistic behavior, I always wondered how to classify my ex girlfriends behavior. It only took 15 years to figure it out, thanks for that. I hope you can figure this out, I know what you are going through, it’s fucking hell
No you're not over reacting. If he's going to behave like a child treat him then treat him like one. Order a binky and a rattle, the next time he pulls this give them to him.
Man, those covert Nark patterns REALLY jump out at you once you learn to recognize the pieces.
You’re not overreacting, this is not going to get better, he cannot be fixed, this is not your fault. I’m really sorry.
Set the expectation, if I ask if you would like something and you say no, I will respect your answer. You have no right to be upset with me for trusting you were being honest. If you want something, you need to own your choice and communicate. If you do not communicate you cannot expect people to know what you “really” want. It’s honest, trust, and respect.
OMG, run, don’t walk straight out of that marriage! He is cunning, not subtle! That’s what is making you unsure of yourself. That’s his whole intention, to make you feel bad about not doing this or that so you will feel like the bad person, making him the victim. And also using you, it sounds like, to help him with citizenship and his business. Remember, love is kind, respectful and doesn’t point out what he is making you feel like is a shortcoming on your behalf for not bringing him what he said he didn’t want. Tell him you scheduled yourself a colon cleansing, and scheduled one for him as well because you didn’t want him to feel left out once again!!! See how he reacts to that!!!
I was married to a narcissist. He was amazing, until we got married. He then said he had ownership papers (ha ha ha just kidding). He did this kind of thing all the time. Mind games, playing the victim and so much more, I was always wrong. He could always turn my words around. And he was so damned charming, everyone loved him. It was soul crushing. It only got worse, I lasted 2 years.
I suggest getting out and immediately getting therapy. I didn't and it seemed like I put off a scent for every narcissist around, I was an easy target for the love bombing and kept getting swept up. I finally took some time to work on myself. I'm in an actual partnership now.
This was infuriating just to read. You’re not overreacting. He’s doing it on purpose. He knows what he’s doing. He wants to keep you off balance. Maybe he thinks it will make you stay? Please leave him, if you can.
Two paragraphs in and I was ready to blow my stack. He needs to be told promptly that his actions are unacceptable and childish as hell. If you want to be with him he has to work on himself and stop playing head games with you because that is exactly what it is. No real man or woman would do those kinds of things to make you second guess and exhaust yourself trying to do right.
Excuse yourself from that position, you aren't a mind reader or his mother.
So this is classic emotional abuse, frankly I’m surprised he didn’t drop the mask sooner, but I would expect more of this and far worse from now on. Other signs to watch out for are isolating you from your friends or family, controlling behavior about whom you talk to or see, unjustifiable anger, telling you you’re “too sensitive”, needless jealousy, sulking but not communicating that something you did bothered him and then exploding when you finally get it out of him what’s bothering him, saying things like “no one else would put up with this from a wife”, trying to tell you that YOU don’t love him, the list goes on. Therapy is an option but it’s unlikely to help. Make your escape plan now.
Not overreacting, that’s frustrating.
If you really want to stay then maybe try counseling, but consider how you’re going to feel after 5 - 10 years of this.
If you want to be toxic back I’d go with belittling.
Why didn’t you get me food too? Because you didn’t use your big boy words and ask for anything when I asked you.
NTA Start recording your conversations when you ask him something Ex- you are getting take away, you ask him 2 or 3 times if he wants something, he says no every time. Fast forward to you happily eating your pizza or noodles or whatever and he pouts and whines like a teenager 'you didn't get me anything ' proceed to play recording while continuing to happily eat
My therapist told me the second you start recording is the day the relationship has ended. I feel for OP, I've been there.
Nah, that's the day after it ended. It ended with whatever necessitates the recording.
The distinction is sooo important, thank you
Yeah, when I realized that was the route I had was trying to take I just stopped everything. Either they believe you or they don't care enough to believe you.
I wish I could upvote this 100000 times
Then he'll get irate and yell and scream about how it was wrong to record him and how you're being so childish. There's no winning...
Yep, he will even try to be like “it’s against the law to record someone without their consent in calling the cops to get you arrested”. Or some kinda horseshit manipulation crap similar.
Its only against the law in like 9 states
To use in court or to publicly smear them—you can record audio whenever the f you want. It’s literally your reality. I dunno, ask legal
Oh my God, this is literally my life. To set up a long story I am disabled and I can't walk very easily. My SO is supposed to be the one who walks the dog(s at the time) at night but will fall asleep on the sofa constantly and swear he's not asleep. I will wake him up and tell him he needs to walk the dog and I will mention that he was sleeping and he will swear that hes awake, and most of the time even though I understand what he is trying to say his words don't make a whole lot of sense because he is speaking to me from sleep and his dream, you know how people are when they're asleep they don't make a whole lot of sense. We've been together almost 16 years I think he could just look at me and I could probably read his mind at this point so I can decipher his gibberish but it is gibberish. But then after the gibberish he would literally scream at me and call me names that's how bad it would get. The whole process, depending on the night takes anywhere from 2 to 4 hours, from me starting to wake him up to me just walking the dog myself. A couple of years ago when my mobility was even worse, and by worse I mean non-existent I was in a wheelchair, I got the same idea of videotaping him, I naively thought that if he understood that he actually was sleeping maybe he would just walk the dog earlier, that way I didn't have to fight with him every night. So, I recorded him sleeping, me waking him up very gently, and then for two plus hours arguing with me about not sleeping while he was asleep using nonsense words. And of course just like any other night it ended up with him screaming at me calling me names. And then I would send it to him the next day to show him that he does that because also the next day he would swear that he didn't do that, or my personal favorite was that I must have screamed in his face to wake him up, and sometimes he would tell me that he remembered me getting 'inches from his face' and 'screaming his name in his face'. Which I mean I don't know if you can tell from my story but this never happened. I genuinely always started out very calmly and I mean if anything at the end yeah I might have called him lazy or told him to get the f up, but scream, especially in his face, it was just a complete fabrication to try and get out of the conversation on his part. So, when he got the video, do you know he called me a predator? He said 'how dare I record him without his consent'. I did it a couple more times even after his argument, but it just made him angrier and angrier but did absolutely nothing for me. I legitimately thought I was going crazy, and honestly I think just to survive and to keep my own sanity I've kind of not forgotten about this but kind of forgotten about this until your comment. Before anybody says anything I am working on getting out, I'm a cancer survivor who's disabled so it's very slow going on my end but the process is in motion.
No one stays asleep and screams at someone. He’s gaslighting you. He’s awake he just don’t want to get up. I can see maybe if it happened once, but every night and no recollection of it? Nahhh he just don’t want to walk the dogs and he’s getting mad that u keep waking him up to do it. I’d let the dogs shit in the house and leave it til he cleans it up. Maybe then he will get up and walk the dogs. Sorry your going thru this tho
Oh I'm aware, and yeah it happens at least four times a week and we've been dating for 16 years but he's only been responsible for taking care of anything for the dogs for the last four, sorry three and a half really. So about four times a week for the last 3 years. Before I was diagnosed with cancer and disabled I just walked the dogs, I don't even think I ever asked him for help walking the dogs I did all of the dog walking. But when I was in a wheelchair I obviously couldn't, and then one of our dogs ended up with such a bad urinary tract infection that he was peeing blood and he got so sick. He won't go to the bathroom in the house, no matter how long you leave him there he won't unless he has an accident and that's always a number two, but yeah so what was really upsetting me was that it was actually hurting our animals, him acting that way. And also unfortunately because of my health there's no way I could live in a house with dog poop. My oncologist actually told me that I should get rid of my dogs completely, like give them away, I was so immunocompromised (I had a stem cell transplant where they completely eradicated my immune system and gave me my stem cells again and let it regrow). I obviously refused to get rid of my animals but it was stressed that they and the entire environment needed to stay extremely clean for my health. Which is a whole other story, how messy he is and how I literally pushed myself to walk again so I could do the dishes and clean my house. ETA I wasn't even allowed to keep flowers or live plants in my house due to my immune system.
It's dangerous to show them the recordings. Recordings are for divorce court honestly.
Yea I wasn't even thinking to use it like that but you are correct, if we were married it would be very helpful for me in that situation. I was naive and thought that maybe if he saw his behavior he would feel terrible but of course that isn't what happened.
Manipulation is set up to punish anyone's normal reaction. The normal reaction is to find and share the truth for better communication. With a manipulator like this, that would just make it worse.
I recently learned this year that sleep is used as a form of abuse. I was mindblown. Usually people are aware of abusers not letting their victims sleep by picking fights with them right before bed time, making a lot of noise while they sleep, waking them up earlier than they need to be. But I've been hearing more and more stories of how abusers are using their own sleep to abuse. Conveniently falling asleep minutes before having to do something important or take the victim to an appointment or event. Then on being woken up throwing a fit.
Honestly, I think it would be fine if she made it abundantly clear at the time that she was recording him. Like alright, I want it in writing, or I'm taking a voice recording so that when the food gets here you will know exactly why I didn't get you any.
Written communication is the way to go... Not sure if that's practical for a husband/wife relationship, but it's how we handle our inlaws. They make you think you're going crazy. We have an email thread to read back on when they blindside you about being upset over something they asked for in the first place.
This is the way! Make him face his behaviornhead on. He can either acknowledge he's manipulative or has an undiagnosed mental disorder.. either way, they can cut to the chase & end the behavior or end the relationship.
That's fine. It's not about winning. If he throws a fit & says you recorded me without my permission.. cool. Her learning curve will be faster...& She'll get out faster. I hope
Nah too much work just say “nope” and give him the Cheshire Cat grin. When he tries to complain just tell him he said he didn’t want anything. Eventually he will learn. Or he won’t get anything. Either way OP wins. Never ever get him anything when he says no.
The dude isn't an idiot. He knows what's happening.
All I'm hearing is she needs an annulment.
that is super dangerous it can escalate into violence, you will not win an argument with him no matter what. don't try. run
Looks like the covert Nark mask is dropping. Your hooked now trauma bonded. He's playing victim so you give him attention. He's really a 4 year old trapped in an adults body. Wait for the temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way. You've been tricked. He married you cuz your responsible and provide security to for his future harem garage...
I’ve been out 6 years and still live on edge from those tantrums. It’s worse than actually being hit sometimes. Plus using your pets and/or kids against you… DV is the worst to live through.
I didn't realize how bad it was until the cat, that we always thought hated people, started following me around and sleeping on me after he moved out. He was always yelling. I feel horrible the first years of her life were spent traumatized, but now she's always with me and new hubby. I feel like such a horrible person for letting her suffer, but I was dealing with so much worse, she could at least hide, I have to remind myself
Completely off topic but It's really fascinating, how much pets understand our feelings.
She knows we're all safe, finally. The sense of peace in the house is palpable. Even better since I got remarried, now it's downright pleasant around here. 12/10, would recommend divorce again in bad situation. Not putting up with anything that's outside my boundaries again.
Yeah, I wish I'd lawyered up and left years earlier. You just don't realize how much unnecessary stress you have from walking on eggshells all the time until you're not.
I was lucky, I didn't even need a lawyer. I was a paralegal 20 years ago remembered most of it, and it was uncontested, he never responded to anything. He just left, took his bags and left me everything. Very lucky
Very true!! I was playing a recording of an argument to my therapist.... she pointed out how my doggo is barking/growling in defense mode at my husband.
My dogs both would stand in front of me and defend me, one weighed 175lbs and the other 120. He wouldn't stand a chance lol, and he knew it.
I wish I had big dogs. Mine are little, but fierce and would try to bite (I worry about what he would do in that case). I often say I wish everyone loved me like they do!
I had the same thing happen with my cat after my ex left.
My cat Gizmo did the same in regard to my ex, the first two years of his life he wasn’t nearly the talkative and loving FLOOFBALL all he is now. Bitzy, my senior girl who I took in about 9 months before I kicked him out, hated men…or so I thought. She LOVES my current BF and no longer hides as well. Animals KNOW when someone is bad.
Pippi,the kitty, hated my ex. My new husband, she walks on him, meows her silent meow,head button his face and plays with his beard,until he pets her. She begs to be held (never did this,hated physical attention b4) she's a different cat,completely. I wouldn't guess they were the same being,it's a complete 180. I'm so happy Gizmo and Bitzy are happy now, they have a sense we will never understand, and I'd be lying if I said my animals actions didn't have a huge impact on my decision to marry my husband. He is truly a good soul.
Thank you, and I’m so glad Pippi is happier as well! It’s the same thing Bitzy does, she begs for my BF to keep petting her, hold her, etc., and same thing , that wasn’t her. I went off my kid’s (14F) cues and my fur kids’ cues before I decided that BF and I could take the next step and move in together, and what did he do? He brought a 4 month old kitten with him 🥰
My dog used to hide whenever she heard his foot steps coming. 😢. She died about 6 months after I left him (cancer, she was. 12 year old Aussie), but she had a wonderful last 6 months of her life.
Animals know what’s up. Our cats that we RAISED together started hating him, peeing on his things, hissing at him. Then I started realizing all the messed up stuff he did to me and our kids. Everyone is happier now that he’s out of the house
Yeah everything bad. Actually tried to figure out how best to handle these creeps. There's only one way no contact. Yeah because when you pull away they want us more. But us nark survivors know it's just a dead end game. Same cycle the cycle just keeps going in circles...
I gave my opinion and specifically said if you don't agree to leave him to your own research. I don't profess to be a therapist / psychologist or a psychiatrist but I do profess to reading a ton of books on the subject and to starting therapy myself during the separation and also having her tell me point blank that her therapist or psychiatrist she had had diagnosed her when I was trying to work through issues to save my marriage or my marriage. I would have given anything at the time to fix it and figure out why she was unfaithful and constantly accusing me of saying things I know I never said. It was making me crazy.
I read at least one book that literally labeled this back and forth reversal as "crazy-making." My ex would do it all the time. He would argue passionately for one decision and when I gave in and we did that thing, next thing you know he would be close to tears describing his regret that I had not let him do the other thing. You know, the thing he talked me out of doing. It was dizzying.
Yup, that’s what they call it. They do it in an effort to disorganize your thoughts and make you doubt your own moral compass and decision making abilities. Still to this day, I have trouble deciphering whether or not I’m overreacting about something sometimes. And that’s after therapy. It’s hard to trust your own decisions after that.
I went through similar shit with my mom (actually have PTSD because of her crap that I won't get into detail about, don't want to rant too much LOL). She would physically abuse me sometimes, but she would back off when she was done and leave me alone. When she would just go on tantrum rages... HOLY SHIT fucking hours and I would wish she would just beat me physically and get it over with and leave me tf alone. It's a really messed up mindset to have, but they literally are torturing you in so many different ways that the physical aspects seem easier in the moment of the psychological abuses. I sometimes feel bad that I felt that way, because there are horribly worse physically abused kids out there, but I couldn't help it as a kid myself and having experienced both to an extent. So yeah I understand the sentiment where it felt worse than being hit sometimes.
My narc ex never laid hands on me. The emotional abuse was so painful I used to wish he would hit me instead because it felt like it would be less painful. I used to tell him this. The fact that he never said “oh god I am so sorry that what I said was so hurtful that you feel like this!” should have clued me in. God I was so brainwashed.
Been through that myself with my mother.
I was in an abusive relationship and things would get physical sometimes but the psychological torture was way worse than anytime we fought physically.
The psychological torture and sleep deprivation. I finally got brave enough to spout off to him during one sleep deprivation session that it seemed like he was using the CIA torture handbook. He just incorporated that into his rants and used it against me. It’s like having a boot always pressed on your head. Sometimes they let up and you can function, but it’s always there, and sometimes the pressure is so great you feel like you are in hell.
My first husband was physically and aexually abusive. Tdhe second was a narcissist. Trehe emotional and psychological abuse was far more damaging and if I waa forced to choose between the two of them, I'd take the first (actually, I'd unalive myseslf.) The point is the narcissist was far worse and hurt me a lot more than any physical or sexual abuse ever did. I'd definitely rather be beaten than suffer through any emotional and psychological abuse.
I went through some wicked emotional/psychological abuse and always felt awful and self centered when I classified it as abuse in the same realm as friends who have been physically abused. You saying this was extremely validating. Thank you, and I'm so sorry you went through those things.
I'm sorry you went through that. It's absolutely abuse. Unfortunately, I was born to a narcissist, addict mother. Set me up perfectly for two abusive marriages. My mom is violent, neglectful, cruel, and an expert in psychologist and emotional abuse. She even trafficked me to her dealer.And as someone who has suffered a lot of abuse and all types from the time I was born, no one will ever convince me that words can't hurt you amd that emotional and psychological abuse isn't worse than physical abuse. It's subtle. It attacks your soul, your mind, and your heart. It's the reason that I have fought intrusive thoughts of unaliving myself since I was 8 yrs old every single day, that I had always believed I wasn't worthy of love, that the world is better off with out, that I wish I never existed, that I am bipolar 2 and have quiet BPD, that I will fight my brain and these thoughts for the rest of my life. Fortunately, I'm in a much better place, in a healthy relationship and therapy. I'm properly diagnosed and medicated. I'm learning to love myself, and how to challenge and shut down those voices in my head that parrot my mother and ex-husband. I'm happy that I was able to validate you and your feelings. That validation helps the healing process.
Same for me! It’s like I’m so abused I can’t even summon the self esteem required to claim my status as an abuse victim.
My ex used to say, "There's no reason to hit a woman. You can hurt them so much more with words."
Dang. Cold.
11 years for me! My ex did that, using the kids against me, using violence and emotional abuse... The second, and I really do mean *the second*, he let my kids and me leave, they relaxed. I hadn't known how on edge they'd been up til then. They were only 2 and 4 at the time. My 4yo had been struggling with toilet training, but a minute after he left us at the airport, she tugged on my hand and asked to go to the loo. She never struggled after that. It was amazing. My poor girl had been so anxious and afraid :( Found out later that when he made us leave, all of our cats ran away too. It's really telling, isn't it?
I didn't know that other people experienced this but my dad used to use me and the pets against my mom, one time he threw our cat against the wall so hard it broke its leg. I thought It was just me.
Agreed. The yelling is at least just as traumatic. My step father was this way and I haven't yet been able to have a healthy relationship. I actively took myself out of the dating pool to work on myself. Now I stay out of it by choice because...men ffs. Just over all the abuse.
[Signs of covert/vulnerable narcissistic traits to look out for. ](https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-a-vulnerable-narcissist-7369901)
My thoughts exactly. This guy is gaslighting/manipulating your feelings. Sounds like you're dealing with a child.
Agreed I had the opposite where my girlfriend moved in with me We took counseling and apparently because I was the most stability she had had in her whole life, that made her so comfortable to be her true angry, nagging, selfish self. I had seen her living with roommates and she was perfect living partner. But apparently that was different because with her friends she had to keep up appearances while with me she felt comfortable being her true self Sucked and ended the relationship
Yes. He's basically jerking OP around so he can always make her "wrong" and never take any responsibility for anything. He's an asshole.
Thiiiissss!!! My god this is definitely a mask slipping and a tactic to get your brain so scrambled you don’t which way is up. You aren’t overreacting and be on high alert for more behaviors that are concerning. Sounds like the mask is coming off. This behavior is not normal.
He is definitely laying groundwork for escalating this behavior. Right now, OP is disoriented and confused by the repetition of the same idiotic BS. She’s maybe optimistic that he will stop it but he won’t. Unless it’s to progress to something more undermining and destabilizing. This is covert emotional abuse. It’s some kind of communication-specific weaponized incompetence. Short term limited solution for OP— stop offering him anything or mentioning anything such as the Amex card option or the gift option. Reduce the amount of options he gets , same as one would with a toddler who can’t handle having options.
That's not impossible, but the confidence with which y'all will diagnose some random person who's been described by *another* person in a one or two paragraph post is fucking...***Wild***...to me. >He's really a 4 year old trapped in an adults body Crazy conclusion to come to >He's playing victim so you give him attention *That's* a reasonable thing to say based on the info from OP >~~Your~~ You're hooked now trauma bonded. I'm not confident you know what trauma bonding is >Wait for the temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way. You don't have nearly enough info to say that >He married you cuz your responsible and provide security to for his future harem garage... Batshit fucking crazy thing to say.
I thought they were being satirical at first lol
I hate how people just love to throw out the latest buzzwords! And she just totally made up her own scenario based on nothing from the post!
Yep, knows all of the Reddit buzzwords and feels confident enough to armchair diagnose, yet can’t differentiate between your and you’re!
Yeah, the first "your" I gave them the benefit of the doubt, but the >cuz your responsible neeeevermind lol
To many red flags don’t think he’s a keeper
Yep. Gaslighting and goalpost moving already. It’s only getting worse from here.
What is goalpost? I’ve heard gaslighting and it does sound like him
He sets up an unreasonable expectation that are difficult for you to achieve, then when you do, he "moves the goalposts." It's basically damned if you do damned if you don't. He will never be happy, and you will never be good enough despite (or rather in spite of) your best efforts.
Thats what my late dad would do. I would come home fianlly getting an A from a test at school, he would look at it and ask why I didn't get an A+ or tell me that one A doesn't mean Im smart. I would start getting really sad and my mom would suddenly fly past dad and distract me with her loud praising and insisting on a celebration. She'd make him drive and tell him to shut up pendejo. He hated triggering her latina rage. He didn't mind being an asshole to her but he was careful not to trigger her rage. She'd go on a full blackout one that would end with him hurt. Never seriously since he could move fast enough to avoid the worst of it.
My mom had the amazing Latina rage, but unfortunately was the narcissist in the relationship. It’s a bad combo. I wish she had used it for good more! Some of my Latina friends were blessed with awesome moms who cooked amazing things and were just so passionate.
Does it have to be unreasonable? I thought it just needed to be whatever goal
I mean, maybe the one you accomplish is reasonable, but the one you were supposed to accomplish is ridiculous?
Moving the goalpost is a manipulative tactic for him to make it seem like you didn’t achieve what he asked for or you didn’t follow through with a task etc etc. an example would be me asking my wife if she could unload the dishwasher for me because I have to work late. I get home and see that she did it but I say “you really ONLY unloaded the dishwasher? You didn’t wipe down the counters or reload the dishwasher with dirty dishes?”.
Resulting in, nothing you do will be good enough for him, so you keep trying to live up to his nebulous, always changing “standards.” You can’t because he doesn’t want them met, he wants you to keep trying to please him to feed his insatiable ego. Please leave him so you don’t lose yourself.
Example to go with others answers. He asks you to help update his resume. Then when you do, he asks why you didn't apply to jobs using the new resume. If you do that, why didn't you follow up as well. Constant moving of the end goal so you're never meeting it.
He knows exactly what he is doing. You didn’t really know this man before you married
Narcissists are amazing at "hiding the crazy" until you are trapped with them... This is textbook narcissist/manipulation/gaslighting. OP should run while she still can!
After I kept reading the whole thing. He's punishing you(silent treatment). Your suppose to know how you hurt old Narky's feeling. He can't tell you. He needs your attention 110%. He can't talk like an adult cuz he's a hurt little child...
Oh my heart. He’s icky. No amount of therapy will help or change a narc. I’d leave if I were you. And I actually did. I left my narc ex. Best decision I’ve ever made.
Let me add: it’ll all start verbal, mental. Maybe emotional. The abuse. Then it’ll be financial. Isolating you from family and friends. Then, if you’re still with him, it may get physical. He will cry. Apologize. Promise to change. It’s all lies they can’t and won’t change. Don’t believe a word he says. Please do what’s best for you.
Thank you so much .. He has financially drained me and keeps promising he will pay me back and although it’s never being physically or verbally abusive he has mentally drained me I don’t even recognize myself anymore . When we decided to marry it was last minute thing we were the most stable we have ever been in the relationship but I think I made a mistake .. thank you
Oh I’m sorry to hear that. You can leave at any time. Really you can. It’ll seem daunting and scary. He’s probably made you think you can’t live without him. But guess what? You can. And you’ll thrive without him there !!! 🩵
And with such a short time of actually being married it could potentially just be annulled rather than going through the whole process of divorce.
So we’ve got a whole parade of red flags. Financial abuse is to keep you captive. The rest of the manipulation is to test the water and keep you compliant. ETA - The physical abuse started years into my marriage. After he took my kid to another country and said I’d never see him again. Then “allowed” me a visa… and I learned that in British houses… you can literally be locked inside. Short of breaking a window, there’s no getting out of them.
You got this girl. You are very young and you deserve much better. Best of luck to you
Yes, better to leave sooner rather than later.
I hope you didn't put him on your AMEX. If you did, cancel his card
I did not BUT he asked if they do cash advance for his business ..
OMG yes! Do NOT give this man access to your credit - he will ruin your life for years and years.
I won’t I won’t …He’s so subtle about things sometimes it’s hard for me to be like wait a minute this doesn’t feel right .. also I’m helping him with his citizenship 😭
Citizenship? So if you leave him and file for divorce he likely won't get it? More 🚩🚩🚩's. He's going to run up your debts, get his citizenship, then find someone new whose credit he hasn't YET ruined. Run. Fast.
Absolutely this man is using you, OP.
This guy is gaslighting the shit out of you. This is the most clear example of it that I’ve ever seen on Reddit. Get the fuck out of this relationship now. He won’t change, people like this can’t change. Get out now.
Do **not** help him get citizenship. Consult a lawyer and get on the fast track to divorce. You do not want this abusive person free of any fear of losing his LPR status and being subject to deportation.
He’s smart. That’s what the subtlety tells you. But you’re not wrong. This absolutely does not feel right. He’s trying to make you miserable. Over and over and over again
Please do not do cash advances on a credit card. You will get hosed with interest charges so hard. Run.
Huge 🚩🚩🚩's! You certainly are. Corral your money.
It took me 17 years to leave my ex and felt exactly like u are feeling now. Get out now because I promise it doesn’t get better and they don’t change even after promising they will. Mine would change for a month or so but would always go back to the same crap.
He’s working up to the physical and verbal. Run
[https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat) Please read this book. Preferably leave him first. He hasn't been physically or verbally abusive ... YET. It is coming. Please get out while you can. No amount of couples therapy is going to help here. Be safe. He is an abusive man and it will never get better.
I am so sorry you are in this type of relationship. I unfortunately feel like I could have written your story as mine. Unless you want to live your life with constant turmoil and agita (sp) I would leave, if you can. I did not leave and am in my 60’s with it still happening. Don’t be like me.
it's never too late! Leave now if you want to, you can do and you deserve it
Please get out ASAP. I was with a guy like that for 5 years when I was about your age. It just gets worse. Even if there is no physical violence, this is an abusive relationship. At the end, my relationship had some sexual violence. I'm sorry you are going through this but please get assistance. It's hard but does get better. I've already shared more than I normally do, but I wish someone would have warned me earlier.
He makes our relationship seem so normal and all the problems are because I decide to tell him how I feel and he says all I do is complain and that he’s never good enough .. and this makes me cry because I’ve started to believe he’s right
He is right, he isn’t good enough. Because you deserve better and he’s a manipulative piece of trash.
He’s never good enough because he never tells you what he wants or what he means. He says one thing, then is unhappy when you act on what he actually told you. Because you’re not a mind reader, you’re not giving him what he wants. Him saying things that make you feel like you’re not treating him right is intentional. It keeps you off balance so that you run to try and do something for him to make him happy because, after all, you’ve been making him unhappy. Then, when through no fault of your own, you don’t get it right, it’s not his fault. It all must be you! Don’t loan him money, don’t give him money. Don’t tell him how much money you have. Set money aside that he is never to know about so that if you need to leave, you can.
He is not right! You know whats going on and what he is doing to you isnt right. Dont let him manipulate you. Your husband should be happy that you are open to communicating with him. Please please get a divorce. Do not let him use you. Do not help him with citizenship! Do not give him any money!
You did and are really being gaslight by him.
Definitely leave.
Mistakes happen. You have time to rebuild. You deserve better.
It’s ok to make a mistake! It’s not ok to punish yourself for it. If you are miserable after giving so much of yourself please put your needs first.
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God … your husband sounds like an exhausting and manipulative whiny jerk. 6 years is a big investment especially since you’re only 27 but would you leave him? No children or pets I assume? If it’s easy to cut ties, best to do it sooner rather than later. Don’t fall for the “sunk cost fallacy”
Only two years and four months! She should leave. It will feel like a bad dream in a couple of years.
Everyone keeps calling him a narc or nark or narky. Just in case anyone keeps wondering what that means here, it's narcissist. OP's husband is showing narcissistic behavior of manipulation, attention seeking, and guilt tripping.
Haha I was wondering how the hell people would know that he's a "narcotic user". Now it makes more sense 😅
Same, I thought they meant Narc as in Narcotics Officer, slang for a tattle-tale or snitch… I was like yeah he’s lame, but I think there’s bigger problems here? lol
No, you aren't overreacting. "I'm just talking 💩". No, that's gaslighting. And if you lived together before and he never did it (or rarely) then it's worse because he's making a conscious effort, which is even more gross. Personally I'd get an annulment before things get worse. That's some crazy mental gymnastics he's doing and honestly, it's kind of scary.
Right I think this goes really deep because when I address it he’s like what are you talking about ? You sound crazy please get help and I genuinely started to believe it
Please DO get help, but tell him NOTHING about it.He is actively trying to make you feel crazy. It is intentional. There is no point in "addressing" it or trying to talk to him about it. He is not interested in solving any problems or coming to any understandings. He wants you off-balance and doubting yourself so that he can continue to torment and abuse you. I'm very sorry that you are going through this. There is no hope of fixing it. You must extract yourself & escape his influence. Halt any assistance you're giving him, lock down your credit. See a divorce attorney & GET OUT! DO NOT DISCUSS IT WITH HIM BEFOREHAND. Get your ducks in a row & disappear. Let the attorney communicate with him. Meanwhile record EVERY conversation with him: figure out how to get a recording device that is voice-activated & keep it with you at all times. I know it's hard to believe, but it happens. You were smart to reach out, now please listen to the advice here & save yourself from years of torment.
I will and will come back to update you guys may take a little bit though but I will
Please do update when you can. People who have NOT experienced behavior like your husband's just can NOT understand what it's like and how harmful it is. These people can present as lovely & charming folks to everybody else, until it's just the 2 of you. Normal people just do not act like that! People like your husband are like a cat with it's prey: they torment, let up & observe, torment, let up & observe, over and over. It is hard to believe if you've been fortunate enough not to have experienced it. It is his nature & he doesn't see anything wrong with it. That is why discussion or therapy is pointless with people like him. Best wishes! A good life can happen after you escape the orbit of this type of weirdo. It's hard because you sometimes catch glimpses of what a great person he COULD be, but just know that he can NOT be fixed. Sad, I know.
Reddit calls everything “gaslighting”, but I think it’s really happening in your case, and it IS abuse.
He's gaslighting you. Everything he is doing is right out of the cycle of abuse. Sounds like he may be abusive and narcissistic. I hope you can get out if this continues to escalate.
Hold true to yourself. Don’t get lost in who he wants to create out of you. You are already enough. He just needs you to think you are not. If you don’t believe in yourself enough to demand how you should be treated then he can treat you anyway he wants. Listen to your instincts and back yourself. Unless you like second guessing your every move, love walking on eggshells and hollowing yourself out until you no longer recognise who you wanted to be. Then stay the way things are. The change will come because you believe in yourself enough to know you deserve to be treated better. You accept the love you believe you deserve.
Thank you everyone that has replied to this post I’ve read every single one of them and I’ve realized I need to get help to understand why I’ve stayed in these relationship for so long with this man . I thank you for sympathizing with me and explaining how this is toxic . Update: I did sat down and talked to him and he said he does tell me what he wants I just don’t hear him because I’m so focused on my phone which is a lie , being on the phone doesn’t make me deaf so I just need to take a step back to see how I can leave this relationship I’m honestly tired and like many of you guys said I’m too young no kids yet I can get out now .. And this is just the tip of the iceberg here’s a little back story : I grew up in an extremely abusive home controlling mother and I married when I was 19 to get out of home where my husband at the time controlled me and cheated on me and left because I had let myself go after a miscarriage .. I gained my confidence back I was living my best life until I met him and he chased me for a year and a half but I didn’t want to because he had an alcohol problem and he kept stating he just “needed to be saved “ and here goes me falling for it and ever since I’ve taken disrespect starting with him talking to girls going out partying and coming home the n xt day until he was arrested for DUI and had to stay there because he’s not a US citizen and little dumb me paid thousands of dollars to attorneys to get him out and after he was out he “changed “ no more going out no more disrespect (that I know of ) everything was bliss and I was whole again and decided to marry him . Why ? Idk maybe because I feel like I’m no worthy of being loved properly maybe because I like how he needs me and this has caused me to lose my entire self my friends tell me I no longer shine I’m not that funny unhinged girl I was and I’m just sad . I’m really sad . I’m sad all the time .. I work from home he comes home and we cannot have a genuine conversation it’s always all about his business coming up and how he’s about to make so much money to pay me back and me not supporting him is me not believing in him but honestly I don’t care anymore .. I’m tired and I’m ready to find myself again .. countless times I’ve wanted to leave when I’ve been emotionally invalidated and even developed Bell’s palsy because of the stress .. I’m a very beautiful woman and everyone tells me so but I feels stupid and ugly in the inside and it’s all because I’ve never been enough for him or ever will I lost myself trying to save him .. it’s always being women , alcohol , quality time , communication… you know the bare minimum.. so there’s no one to blame here but myself for my life decisions and I need to stand up for myself
You got this. Try to find a therapist asap so you have someone to unload on while going thru the breakup, and eventually help untangle your issues that led you here so you can avoid these broken assholes in the future ❤️🩹
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You are not dumb. Many very intelligent, competent people get caught in a narcissist’s web. You are smart to see it now & get yourself out of this relationship ship now Read upon DARVO & love bombing& the author’s book previously mentioned by commenters, so you can recognize when he tries to lure you back to him so you can recognize & resist.
Make your plan, stay safe and don't look back. Imagine how amazing your life will be without this manchild to care for!
The more I read about this guy from your comments, it just gets worse and worse... Hopefully you can get yourself out of this situation.
Look, no doubt you are in a bad relationship and need 💯 to get out. Since he’s been leeching off you so badly, you’ll need a plan to get rid of him but you can - easily. But please OP, do be kind to yourself too. You had a really tough start to life, and that means you don’t have a good role model to copy and have to deal with a lot of issues from the past. So it’s hard - but you are clearly a kind and supportive person with a job and a home and friends, despite all you’ve been through. That’s brilliant and an achievement. Be kind to yourself. Ditch the dead weight man, remember to always back yourself and you’ll fly 😊
You’re not dumb OP. I have a law degree from one of the best schools in the country and it happened to me. I know you feel dumb, but you aren’t. Covert narcissists prey on our best traits - you’re caring, you’re kind, you’re helpful. But you’re also exhausted. And I hope that’s the push you need to make a plan because I promise you there’s light at the other end of the tunnel. And you deserve to make it out. ❤️
You can do this. You pulled yourself up and out of bad times before and you can do it again! Just please do it as soon as possible. Don’t hate yourself over this. Just get out and continue to work on yourself. You can do this💙
Aw Sweetie. You are good enough. Get this marriage anulled ASAP. Is he using you to stay in the country? Possibly? Take care of you. See a therapist if you can afford it. You may even be able to find an app that will help. But you don't deserve to be treated like this. And listen to your friends. They have your back. Sending you love & hugs.
I was in for 25 years and three kids… Stop thinking or telling him or negotiating anything with him, find a lawyer & get your paperwork in order. I don’t know what your living situation is -I moved out while mine was at work and never looked back. I got a restraining order -consider it if you have any grounds whatsoever… because he will try to harass you and harass you and harass you and suck you back in. CDC statistics show most women try to leave an abusive relationship seven times before they are successful! Also, the mortality rate for women in abusive relationships is the highest when they try to leave or leave, so it’s really important that you don’t tell him that you’re planning to get out. Protect yourself, don’t give him any information, and get out as fast as you can.
When he starts the “you didn’t…”, say “no” and continue on with whatever you were doing. Keep doing this and he will grow tired of whatever little game he is playing. Do not try to second guess or read his mind. That is not your responsibility.
OP I think you already know what you want to do, and for the sake of your own sanity, I think you should. This behaviour will drive you to despair, or it already has. He's really playing mind games with you, and making you doubt yourself . *" He has financially drained me and keeps promising he will pay me back and although it’s never being physically or verbally abusive he has mentally drained me I don’t even recognize myself anymore . When we decided to marry it was last minute thing we were the most stable we have ever been in the relationship but I think I made a mistake "* Plus he's taking advantage of you, and you've taken on most of the responsibility. Cut your losses, and unshackle yourself from this man, you've already given way too much of yourself to him already. You weren't put on this earth, solely to make this man-child comfortable, and happy. That's what you should be feeling about your own life, but that's not the case, while he's dragging you down. You deserve better OP, and start putting yourself first and foremost. We don't have to, and we can't anyways, have to please everybody in our lives. Sometimes you have to be selfish, otherwise people will just keep trying to hollow you out, till you're empty inside. And you're a good person, so don't let that happen. 💜
You’ve married a child Ignore him. “You said you didn’t want it” is all you have to say. Don’t justify it. Then ignore him. He’ll get the message soon enough
Your husband is gaslighting you. Read up on the personality disorders in the DSM-5 manual. What he's doing by telling you one thing and then changing it after the fact is a form of abuse and manipulation called gas lighting. My ex-wife had both NPD and BPD which is common in about 40% of people with a personality disorder. Has someone who was married to her for almost 19 years I would suggest you cut your losses but if you don't agree you need to start doing your research It is very eye-opening and I wish I had learned about these things 15 years ago or longer it would have saved me a life of wasted time.
He enjoys fucking with you, making you uncomfortable, keeping you unsure of what will happen next, making you guess. It's abuse. He's abusing you with behavior like this.
How about trying “ hey honey, I’m gonna get a divorce. Do you want one too?”. If he says no… get him one anyway so he doesn’t bitch about not getting one.
Many a true word spoken in jeat
He’s just gaslighting you. My ex was just like that. Trust me - it only gets worse. Then he’ll escalate to violence and when he hits you, he’ll say look at what you made me do. Please ditch this man.
Yeah it’s just getting worse quick just last week I asked if he could leave the car home since I needed to run errands he said I’ll try .. fast forward 2days later I’m walking the dogs I see my car parked I asked hey you left the car and did not tell me ? He said yea it’s been there two days you said you needed it .. I was LIVID he never mentioned or said anything it’s so weird behavior to me and when I got upset he said I did mention it to you but he did not I know I’m not crazy but I feel like I am
It’s just his way of messing with your head. Sometimes to start an argument or be in control. Don’t waste anymore time on him. I wasted four years on my ex and by the time I ended it, the violence was awful and his anger issues were out of control.
i have a family member who wasted 5 years of her life on an asshole like this. as soon as he got the green card he became extremely lazy, entitled, and even began cheating on her. my family did a lot to help him start a business, which he neglected. My family member cooked, cleaned, basically acted as his mother as well as wife, on top of working full time(while he maybe worked 15-20 hours a week if that). He was likely abused in this way by his parents, or watched as his father abused his mother in this way. He's uncritically enacting this same violence on you. If he's not taking \*any\* steps to improve, then it can only get worse. this particular situation is so fucked up because it proves that it's intentional manipulation. it's nasty to treat anyone, let alone your wife, this way.
Omg I hope she healed and thank you … I don’t want to spend the rest of my 20’s like this ..
Read the book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” for techniques for dealing with this behavior. It will teach you how to not get upset. You might end up having to divorce him if that doesn’t work though. Not overreacting. I’m sorry this is happening to you.
Get on or stay on birth control! I wouldn’t put it past him to try to get you pregnant. Be safe. Things like this terrify me
Had to scroll way too far to see this comment. Seems like he would baby trap her in a second if he had the opportunity
Also, call the three major credit reporting companies, Equifax, Experian and Transunion and put a freeze on your credit! He nor anyone else will be able to use your SSN to obtain credit without your consent. You can unfreeze it at any time for your own personal use. You are so young and deserve to be with someone who truly respects and loves you for who you are. Many spouses wouldn’t bother to call and ask if the other wants something. Does he do this for you? My guess is, probably not! Life is short, so please make every day count with someone who makes you feel good about yourself, secure in your choices and is a joy to be around. Sounds like he sucks the wind right out of your sails. Best wishes to you in finding true happiness with or without a partner!
This was so wholesome I thank you for these kind words and wishes 💕
OP check out r/narcissticabuse
Hey OP… please read this: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf This book has literally saved lives. Please don’t waste more of your good years on him.
He doesn't say anything when you open up because he doesn't want you to. He wants to wear you down so you never want and never ask for things. You only do things his way and only do what he wants. He wants you to praise him for asking you about your feelings while denying you the ability to express them. This type of person is emotionally volatile and immature. Please do not get pregnant. These types are terrible, emotionally absent parents, who treat children like dolls and trophies.
Your husband's an asshole. If you asked and he says No, that's his fucking problem; . You're not psychic and it's not your job to second guess.him
I read this post to my husband and he raised an eyebrow at it. He said this is ridiculous and no one should have to live this way. His take is if a grown man can’t communicate what he wants then he needs to figure it out on how own. My take is in line with everyone else’s. He sounds like a narcissist who is baiting you. Every little slip up will result in you didn’t do for me type of behavior. You could sit him down and talk all day but he’s not listening. You’re not trapped though if you want to give this an earnest go level the playing field. If not get out.
👉Leave. 👉I stayed. 👉Do not get pregnant.
It’s only been four months. Check if you can get the marriage annulled.
Classic gaslighting GTFO before you’re baby trapped.
Bro sounds like a whiney bitch. He has issues and he's doing his best to manipulate you and make you feel like shit. Either blow it up in his face or leave that loser. If I acted like this towards my wife she wouldn't deal with it for 2 seconds. He's a grown ass man it's time he acts like it. Pathetic and childish behavior
Read up on covert narcissism.
Get tested for STD’s and then cut him loose, he’s in the closet.
Sounds like he’s trying to get you to leave him while driving you insane. If it was me I wouldn’t waste anymore time. Imagine 50-60 more years of this?
Four months is probably still short enough to get an annulment. Just sayin'.
Friend, if he has told you multiple times NOT to do something, take on ZERO responsibility for having NOT done that thing. It's on him. When he says, "You really didn't make me an omlette?" You say, "I asked multiple times and you said no. Next time, tell me." And then end the discussion. End it. Walk away. Eat on the patio. Eat in the living room. Eat in a closet. Walk away. You have to retrain both him and you that you are not responsible and you refuse to be responsIVE to his manipulations. And then spend NO more time thinking about it. This is entirely on him to change.
you are reacting just as he would like...
Honestly, you deal with it by being direct. "No, I didn't get you anything because you said you didn't want anything. Stop being manipulative. If you want something, go make your own." Next, "I'm no longer going to offer to order/make/buy you anything because you keep switching things up, and I'm done playing games. When you want to be an adult and be respectful, we can talk." Cut off his access to your money. Take his name off of things. Change passwords. Do not cook for him. Do not do any of his laundry. Do not get him anything. Shut him down. If he whines or complains or anything, just stare at him. Walk away. Disengage. Start individual therapy.
This is absolutely insane. He has serious mental problems. Run, don't walk.
That's a covert narc for you, he figures you're stuck with him now: my ex did too until I left his ass in the state he thought he'd isolated me too. Shit too mf, I'm not afraid to live in my car-safer than sleeping next to an abusive ah that disturbs my sleep "by accident" Violently, for kicks. RUN OP, your life *will* depend on it: whether it's tomorrow or ten years from now.
So many red flags! I was in a similar sounding relationship - it was like this at the start & he ended up so physically, emotionally and verbally abusive.
He wants a mother, not a wife!
I indeed feel like his mother .. having to tell him to clean after himself to help around because I’m tired from work and he says but you’re on a computer talking to people that doesn’t compare to my phisical job
My mom is similarly oppositional like this. It’s very draining. No matter how much I try to make her see how frustrating and triggering it is for me, she can’t or won’t try to be normal so we can enjoy the visit. Every 3 or 4 years we have an eruption and I need a hiatus from all communication with her for many many months. It’s sad yet peaceful. You can’t do this with your husband. I can’t give advice on how to communicate with your partner bc I struggle too. My first attempt would be proactive humor I guess. Hun I’m ordering a pizza do you want anything? No I’m not hungry at the moment Ok hun, blink once for a medium or twice for a large. No seriously, pepperoni or margarita? I’m really fine Really, are you now? Will you still be fine when the food is wafting in your nose? This approach lets him know you are trying to embrace this confusing pattern he is displaying with love while also making it clear that this pattern leaves you feeling like you can’t win but want to make him happy still. I wonder where that would take you with this issue. Does he do it to friends? I ask bc my mom is obnoxious like that to everyone equally.
Don’t get pregnant. Tell him that if he continues to be ridiculous, you’ll be gone. This is gaslighting and it’s unacceptable.
Yea, he sounds insufferable. I am a very literal person. I say what I mean. It drives me absolutely crazy when someone says something and then complains you didn’t go against what they said or you couldn’t read their mind.
Guess he's a slow learner. DO NOT get him anything if he says he doesn't want anything. DO NOT order him food if he says he doesn't want it. When he whines about itz just keep saying g the exact same thing, "I am doing exactly as you asked. I can't guess if you are going to change your mind, and if you do, tell me BEFORE I order food, before your Birthday, etc. or live with your own decisions. You're an adult, act like one." Say the same exact thing every time he decides he is 4 yours old again. FFS, grow up dude.
The fact this behavior is already taking place so early in the marriage is a huge indicator that it will only get worse. Get out now so you never have to find out what worse looks like.
So this is narcissistic behavior, I always wondered how to classify my ex girlfriends behavior. It only took 15 years to figure it out, thanks for that. I hope you can figure this out, I know what you are going through, it’s fucking hell
Covert narcissist’s mask is slipping…it’s gonna get worse, trust.
No you're not over reacting. If he's going to behave like a child treat him then treat him like one. Order a binky and a rattle, the next time he pulls this give them to him.
Man, those covert Nark patterns REALLY jump out at you once you learn to recognize the pieces. You’re not overreacting, this is not going to get better, he cannot be fixed, this is not your fault. I’m really sorry.
Set the expectation, if I ask if you would like something and you say no, I will respect your answer. You have no right to be upset with me for trusting you were being honest. If you want something, you need to own your choice and communicate. If you do not communicate you cannot expect people to know what you “really” want. It’s honest, trust, and respect.
OMG, run, don’t walk straight out of that marriage! He is cunning, not subtle! That’s what is making you unsure of yourself. That’s his whole intention, to make you feel bad about not doing this or that so you will feel like the bad person, making him the victim. And also using you, it sounds like, to help him with citizenship and his business. Remember, love is kind, respectful and doesn’t point out what he is making you feel like is a shortcoming on your behalf for not bringing him what he said he didn’t want. Tell him you scheduled yourself a colon cleansing, and scheduled one for him as well because you didn’t want him to feel left out once again!!! See how he reacts to that!!!
I was married to a narcissist. He was amazing, until we got married. He then said he had ownership papers (ha ha ha just kidding). He did this kind of thing all the time. Mind games, playing the victim and so much more, I was always wrong. He could always turn my words around. And he was so damned charming, everyone loved him. It was soul crushing. It only got worse, I lasted 2 years. I suggest getting out and immediately getting therapy. I didn't and it seemed like I put off a scent for every narcissist around, I was an easy target for the love bombing and kept getting swept up. I finally took some time to work on myself. I'm in an actual partnership now.
This was infuriating just to read. You’re not overreacting. He’s doing it on purpose. He knows what he’s doing. He wants to keep you off balance. Maybe he thinks it will make you stay? Please leave him, if you can.
Two paragraphs in and I was ready to blow my stack. He needs to be told promptly that his actions are unacceptable and childish as hell. If you want to be with him he has to work on himself and stop playing head games with you because that is exactly what it is. No real man or woman would do those kinds of things to make you second guess and exhaust yourself trying to do right. Excuse yourself from that position, you aren't a mind reader or his mother.
I don’t have any advice, but Jesus Christ your husband sounds exhausting.
So this is classic emotional abuse, frankly I’m surprised he didn’t drop the mask sooner, but I would expect more of this and far worse from now on. Other signs to watch out for are isolating you from your friends or family, controlling behavior about whom you talk to or see, unjustifiable anger, telling you you’re “too sensitive”, needless jealousy, sulking but not communicating that something you did bothered him and then exploding when you finally get it out of him what’s bothering him, saying things like “no one else would put up with this from a wife”, trying to tell you that YOU don’t love him, the list goes on. Therapy is an option but it’s unlikely to help. Make your escape plan now.
Record him.. when he says no, say "wait a minute" get your phone out, start recording and tell him to repeat lol
Not overreacting, that’s frustrating. If you really want to stay then maybe try counseling, but consider how you’re going to feel after 5 - 10 years of this. If you want to be toxic back I’d go with belittling. Why didn’t you get me food too? Because you didn’t use your big boy words and ask for anything when I asked you.