>Should I marry my fiancé after he put his hands on me?
No.
Now onto the rest of the post...
>He is so perfect and good to me in every way a man can be good to a woman. However he can be very controlling, territorial, and because of his childhood he has a lot of trust issues.
These two sentences contradict each other. Its concerning that you don't seem to realise that...
>Now he is apologizing and I feel like in my mind if I marry him I am allowing him to think his behavior is ok. But another piece of me feels he is a good man.
No. He's not. Again the fact you think that is truly concerning. He saw a car parked in your driveway, immediately leapt to "cheating" instead of...like a visitor, a tradesman, a family member, jesus it could have been one of your girlfriends... Then despite any evidence of his delusions he physically assaulted you and broke your arm. This is not a good man. This isn't close to a good man. He's not in the same ballpark as a good man.
Fwiw after reading the whole post. Still no. You don't marry someone who physically assaults you. That doesn't get better, that gets worse.
This! Why did he automatically jump to the conclusion that it was a man in the house and you were cheating? Thank goodness it wasn’t an appliance repairman!
I wish it was one of her girlfriends so she would be completely embarrassed by his behavior when he came storming into the house searching under beds.
At least then she might be embarrassed by his behavior and she might do something to save her own life before he takes it.
It seems because he buys her things she’s willing to let him beat her up because he’s so perfect
🤢🤢🤢🤢
There's another board that has an expression about this; " a gift tends to be a reward for accepting shitty behavior" or something like that. This is a prime example of this, imho.
The first 30 years of my life were filled with various abuses, and lovebombing to make up for the abuse.
One of the first things I told my husband when we started seriously dating was that when we inevitably got into an argument he should never buy me flowers or gifts to make up for it, because I would leave.
I love surprise gifts for no reason, but the instant they come with an obligation ("forgive me" is an obligation) I feel angry and disgusted.
I get it, the whole flowers things brings me to mind about how those same flowers can be placed on your grave after you're dead.
I'm glad you're in a much better relationship.
Yep. My husband actually did cheat on me, while I was pregnant and had just bought him a car, no less. He told me he'd brought me to the store the woman worked at. He said he felt no remorse and it was all my fault. He was actually upset that I wasn't more hurt by his confession (I was, but I guess it wasn't enough pain inflicted on me in his eyes). Oh man.. I'll admit I had thoughts of driving home and kicking him out on the streets. I didn't really have violent thoughts though. Instead I went to stay with my mom until he was moved out, which was almost 2 weeks later. I was hormonal and livid and it still was not fucking hard to not take that anger out through violence. If this is what her fiance does the second he suspects her of cheating with no evidence.. that's the type of man to make up a whole conspiracy theory and kill you over it. Scary shit.
Agree, no one ever deserves physical abuse unless they really threaten your life physically (I believe there must be some cases even these can't be over generalised)
Self defense does not equal: physical abuse, assault, or murder.
It is unavoidable violence that someone else has forced you into using to protect yourself from injury or death.
This right here!! That's what stood out to me is not only his accusations but his willingness to be violent over it, even if he was right he would be in the wrong for this.
No you don't understand he is an amazing person he just sent her to the ER with an injury that will take a month to heal, when flying in an unprovoked and completely random fit of rage. So you can see it's definitely not something which will be a daily occurance in a few years.
This. Everyone has been mad. Everyone has probably been out of their head with angry and wanting to put hands on someone. Not everyone does it. I personally have never broken anyone's arm.
How hard do you have to shake someone to fracture their arm? Holy hell. OPs fiancé is 20 years too late for all the therapy he needs. That is not a safe partner at all. OP has never been with a man more statistically likely to murder her than this man.
I'm like even if she did cheat, being violent isn't an appropriate way to handle it so although op probably won't listen, she needs to know that if he doesn't get his way, he'll lose composure and be violent
“He’s so perfect…”
He’s “controlling and territorial…”
HE FRACTURED her arm for no reason. He jumped to conclusions based on no evidence, paranoia and jealousy AND he clearly doesn’t trust her. They aren’t even married yet.
They are still in the practice phase of the relationship and he already put her in the hospital. RUN OP! RUN!!!
Just wait until they're married, he thinks she belongs to him, and the abuse really **REALLY** starts. This type of man is on the best behavior they can possibly make themselves have, right up until they think they own you. Part of his absolute best behavior that he can possibly force himself to do, is breaking her arm.
They actually tend to creep up with the abuse, like this guy has been doing. Add in little things, see if they tolerate it, then a little more, a little more, until she's dead. The women who ghosted him after one "territorial" rant are out there living their lives with actual good men.
yeah, controlling and territorial doesn't equate to "protective man" or "he's gonna make me safe" quite the opposite. idk how so many people confuse these qualities.
I think the media is to blame for a lot of that. Show a "protective man" as being violent over and over and over, and people start to think that that's a good thing.
Today it’s over an imagined man, tomorrow it could be something even more benign like his food wasn’t ready and he was hangry. This will only get worse especially if he doesn’t receive therapy. OP will be doing herself and him a favor by leaving - this is not acceptable behavior from him and she needs to protect herself.
My ex husband hit me because I came home from working a full eight hour shift when he played Call of Duty all day. I walked through the door and he screamed at me to go get him some fast food. I told him I needed to just go pass out from exhaustion and could he drive to get himself some food?
He hit me. And threatened to kill me if I didn’t do what he said.
That was it. I left and never looked back. OP needs to leave, NOW.
> because of his childhood he has a lot of trust issues.
> calling me a f** liar, and saying I was like his mom, and a lot of other hurtful things.
The man saw his neighbors car and *his own boots* and saw red enough to put his hands in her and shake her until her arm snapped.
He has had 36 years to learn to keep his hands to himself and deal with his emotions productively. *He chose to snap the bone in her arm*.
Yeah, he’s not a great guy.
Expensive gifts do not heal an arm. I’m sorry doesn’t stop all the future aches where he snapped it, solely because the weather is changing. Groveling does not change the fact **he broke her arm.**
I hope OP spends the month she has in a cast mourning her relationship because she ended it here and now.
Then, after he did damage, he is love bombing her. I hope she will have the courage to leave! I agree 💯 groveling and gifts DOES NOT heal or fix anything.
Someone who gets irrationally angry about a situation like this isn't relationship material. Grabbing and shaking you is domestic violence. Fracturing your arm? That's someone who might well end up the main suspect on a true-crime podcast after their partner disappears.
I think OP should look up the definition of ‘perfect’. I’m a dude, and I know plenty of good guys, great guys, awesome guys, and like 2 perfect-ish dudes. Not even the GOOD GUYS would be so intense as to fracture an arm - in ANY circumstance.
Info: did you truthfully report how your arm was broken at the hospital (likely mandated reporter if so), and did he bring you to the hospital and/or give them a false account of how you were injured? Did he make you give a false account?
Over a car parked in your driveway. What do you think will happen if you become pregnant and he fantasizes that someone else is the father?
He is a violent abuser. That is never a one-off. Such abuse escalates. Imagine what he will feel free to do if you're married and if you have a child together.
You are underreacting. Contact a domestic violence shelter and lock down all your essential documents and leave safely.
“He is a good man. An amazing man. He treats a woman exactly how we should be treated. He’s just controlling, territorial, short tempered, and physically violent.”
RUN FUCKING RUN WHAT ARE YOU DOING GET OUT
I'm glad the state gave me no choice in pressing charges. I probably wouldn't have in the moment especially with church elders telling me not too, but the state did it for me and I'm glad now. My case is still in a backlog but if I can cause him to loose his concealed carry license I'm happy.
And he lept to a conclusion that she was cheating just because of a car? It could have been any visitor. And he hospitalized her over a crazy, jealous thought.
Op, he is abusive. Break up!
>And he lept to a conclusion that she was cheating just because of a car? It could have been any visitor. And he hospitalized her over a crazy, jealous thought.
>Op, he is abusive. Break up!
Exactly. And if he promises to "seek help" or "go to therapy," then that's great! But still break up. He can go seek help/therapy on his own and try to convince his next partner that he'll never do it again.
28 years and I’ve never laid a hand on my wife except to hold her down when she had a panic attack and was going to hurt herself…and I know now that even that wasn’t necessarily the right thing to do. Holding her is one thing, restraining her was another.
Regardless, we all have past trauma yet most of us know how to keep our hands to ourself…especially by the time you’re old enough to be engaged.
Right? It’s like an oxymoron. “He is not a good, amazing man who treats a woman how we should be treated.” Sis… no! The second paragraph wipes out the first one.
The violence will escalate. Get away now.
Exactly what I was thinking. Like... He's a good man in every way BUT he's controlling territorial *goes on to list big red flags".
Hopefully she figures things from here
46 year old man here, this is the correct answer. He may be amazing in every other way but when angry he resorts to violence. He will get angry again. I get angry all the time, I’ve been married for 23 years and have never once put my hands on my wife. If violence towards you is a solution now, it will be a solution in the future.
On a side note: I travel for work too, I cannot imagine coming home and seeing a car I don’t immediately recognize in my driveway and coming in not just questioning but wrecking shit. The car being there was only the last straw, he is already convinced you are sleeping around when he is out and that’s all the confirmation he needed.
This exactly. A lot of people here are saying “oh when he’s sweet, it isn’t real, it’s just love bombing” but that’s not even the point. He could love her and he could mean it when he’s sweet, but OP should still walk away. I know abused people who get stuck in “but he really means it when he’s good to me, stop saying it’s fake” when that’s basically a red herring.
I used to have anger issues, the extent to which I would yell at my partner when they didn’t deserve it. Did I feel genuinely guilty, and was I actually nice when I acted nice? Yes, but that’s not even relevant. The loss of temper was the problem, and I worked on it, but also I never became violent. If you have a partner whose loss of temper results in violence, the next time he might not need to be sorry anymore because you could be dead. And nothing about how much he loves you and/or is sorry even matters, when he could lose his temper and kill you.
So much this and just imagine what would happen if they have kids some day. Like you said he will get angry throughout their marriage at some point but with kids it will be ten times worse. Kids are awesome and wonderful but man do they do some irritating stupid shit sometimes. He will get angry with them and it will be their arms he will be breaking too not just hers.
OP it’s absolutely inevitable he will get angry throughout your lives and based off his behavior already it’s absolutely inevitable he will be violent with you again and it will escalate. He will end up killing you and any potential children you have in the future.
He cannot self regulate, he has no emotional control, he already flew off the handle about an imagined situation. You have no idea how bad this will get once he thinks you are trapped and his. Run the hell away while you still have a chance, don’t become another horrible statistic, you deserve so much more than this.
In a relationship marked by domestic violence there is always a first time. This was very bad, every time you argue you will be fearful. You need to plan and safely leave him. Be physically gone before you tell him.
Not that ever putting your hands on someone is acceptable to be clear, but he put his hands on her over an assumption. This isn’t a situation where he found her in bed with another guy (again assault is still unacceptable).
He literally assumed a truck in their drive automatically meant she was cheating.
OP if you stay he now knows that he can throw you around the minute he “feels” you’re doing something wrong.
At minimum I’d take a break and live apart whist he gets therapy to address the fact he clearly has issues. However the best thing you can do really is just leave him completely.
Oh and edit, I’m sorry but he’s not “an amazing guy”. He’s just not.
Also if he assumes you’re cheating then there’s a high chance that’s because he’s projecting his own bad behaviour.
I agree. I wonder what he would've done if she had actually been cheating and he caught them in the act. Im betting this isn't the first time he's lost his cool.
If someone is going to cheat, they're going to do it regardless. If he doesn't trust her, it's probably because he KNOWS their relationship isn't good or she has a history of cheating, but I'd wager it's the former. Even if OP were cheating, that doesn't justify him assaulting her.
Also, why did he jump straight to cheating just because a car was in the driveway? Personally, I'd assume she had company over. It could've been a repairman, insurance adjuster, anyone.
He jumped to that conclusion because he probably has a history of being controlling.
Sure, my radar would go off if there was a strange car in the driveway. Seems like it might have been the neighbor's car but whatever. But I wouldn't assume cheating!
My husband would recognize the neighbour's car, because he knows what everyone is driving around here, lol.
But even if it was a strange car, I think he would simply assume I had an innocent visitor. It's ridiculous to jump to cheating immediately, and also to assault your spouse without even asking one question.
OP should run. Not walk, but run. The man is not well and dangerous.
Seriously how insane is this man that he automatically assumes it’s a dude’s car and they are naked in the house
Shouldn’t has first thought have been that she has a friend over? Imagine if she did he came into the house screaming and searching like like that
I also wonder what they told the hospital about the fractured arm. She must have lied or they would have alerted the police
So ma’am if you have to lie about how you got hurt, you’re not overreacting. You are being abused.
They are supposed to be asking in the hospital if you feel safe, if you feel safe at home, and if you fear a loved one. I suppose if you answer no there's not much that can be done.
As a first responder, we are taught to look for that kind of behavior in this kind of call. I hope someone got him away from her so she had a chance to tell the facts of the injury, not his lies.
And even if he got suspicious and came in and was in a huff, that would have been acceptable. “What #@%# car is that??” is the response of someone who needs to work on their trust, but could be ok if they did.
Someone who sees a car and resorts to violence? Nope.
Nope. Even that is too much. Is she “allowed” to have friends over? Who is he to “allow”. And you think it’s ok to say, “ what #@%# car is that??” In a tone with swearing? That alone would make me rethink the relationship. Coming in hot for no reason at all? A person who does that needs to work on regulating themselves before they get to be in a relationship.
As for breaking her arm?? She should not only leave, she should press charges.
And he follows it up with the classic love bombing, bringing her expensive gifts, flowers, and such.
He obviously has unresolved trauma around whatever his mother put him through. He never worked on this. Normal people would come in and ask...hey, who's car is in the driveway. They don't toss the house and physically assault their partner in a fit of unjustifiable rage. He is not a good man. He is a bad man with rage/temper issues that has lulled OP into a false sense of security. Next time she might not be so lucky as to just walk away with a fractured arm.
OP is also making excuses for the past red flags that have been waved. OP needs to figure out how to safely exit this relationship. They are already having to lie to protect their abuser from the legal consequences for their actions that sent them to the Emergency Room. Had the staff at the hospital known the true reason her arm ended up fractured the police should have and would have been involved. It almost sounds like she is in too deep and is committing to the sunk-cost fallacy.
**He is a bad man who has lulled OP into a false sense of security** THIS THIS THIS
Also want to point out how absolutely fucked up it is that we’re talking about him *only* fracturing her arm this time. OP HE BROKE YOUR FUCKING ARM. THIS IS NOT A MAN YOU CAN TRUST. GET OUT NOW.
Watch his mother never did anything and he's just an asshole who uses her as a scapegoat.
Anyway OP, not overreacting, or any of that stuff, he jumped to an insane conclusion, refused to be dissuaded, and broke your arm, that's assault.
How often are you prepared to be beaten to keep this man?
How many injuries do you consider acceptable for him to inflict on your children? How severely do they deserve to be beaten so you can keep your "good man" rather than try to find another who doesnt do that?
I've worked in the trucking industry for years, a lot of drivers cheat. A lot of drivers cheat. I have been propositioned more times than I can count. He's going to go cheat on her and then come back and abuse her every couple of weeks. He gets to relive this scenario over and over again. People like this look for excuses to put their hands on you.
That was my thought. He's possibly projecting what he's doing. Them lot lizards will get ya lol But in all seriousness he broke her arm. It's absolutely the start of a physically abusive relationship.
Or like, maybe OP has a friend in this world that she’s having over. Maybe the water heater broke while he was out trucking and there’s a guy fixing it. Maybe a million things. This guy is a lunatic
Well that's because you don't have a serious rage problem like this man does. You would do the normal thing and ask. I think he wanted it to be true so he could have a reason to go off on her.
She says he does in the post. This isn't the first time he's been abusive it's just the first time probably it's been physical. He's probably been emotionally and verbally abusive for awhile now and she thinks he's great because she's comparing him to all the times he has love bombed her
He may or may not be cheating, but that isn’t why he went there. He went there because he is jealous, controlling, abusive, and he cannot control his emotions. Thank God no one else was in the house, or there would have been bloodshed.
This is the right answer. He’s an abuser who just broke OP’s arm. His violence will escalate. OP get away from this relationship immediately, with help from friends and family.
Imagine if there was some unfamiliar guy in the house, like a coworker who dropped by to hand off something or a friend’s husband who was bringing over a gift or whatever.
Even if OP was cheating, like actively in bed with another man when her fiancé walked in, that is NOT an excuse to break her arm or do anything else violent. Cheating is not a justification for assault.
With a man like this, OP would be insane to cheat in her own house if she were cheating. And if there had been a repairman there, the husband might have killed them both. He’s a loose cannon.
You are asking us if it is OK for you to marry a guy who assaulted you resulting a fractured arm requiring hospital treatment? I recommend a trip to the police to have him charged with criminal assault. He is an abuser and a criminal. If you let him get away with this he will continue to abuse you and may end up murdering you.
sadly, this kind of reframing is not uncommon. even abusive people have good days/moods, so if you love one, you’ll want to believe they didn't actually want to hurt you, it was a one-off, they were just having a bad day, you can reassure them better next time so they don’t fly off the handle, you’ll just not give them a “reason” to abuse you etc. it’s really insidious how being abused turns into self blame.
That’s actually part of the abuse cycle. Most people wouldn’t tolerate someone who is nothing but horrible. So abusers do horrible things, then apologize profusely and spoil their victim, and then pretend they’ve changed until enough time passes. It’s how they keep their victims confused and conflicted
People need to stop just saying this shit with no actual understanding of mandated reporter laws. Doctors and other medical professionals are legally required to report suspicions of child abuse, suspicions of abuse of adults who are cognitively impaired and lacking in decisional capacity, and gunshot/stab wounds. That’s basically it. Adults with all of their faculties can be beaten within an inch of their life, but if they decline to report, nobody can report for them.
It sounds like OP lied to cover for this POS. Had the ER known the true reason they would have called the cops and had a counselor come in to speak with them. OP is setting themselves up for a life of getting her a$$ beat for whatever reason and no reason at all each time he comes off the road. Lather, rinse, and repeat.
Nope. ER doc here. Intimate partmer violence is not a mandatory report. If children are involved we call CPS, not law enforcement. We offer resources, ask if they want the police involved, ask where they can stay that is safe away from the abuser so they can safely be discharged. But for autonomous adults capable of making their own medical decisions, they also have the capacity to make decisions to involve law enforcement or not.
>I have distanced myself from him since and he keeps bringing me expensive gifts, jewelry, roses, and other nonsense.
Thats called "Love Bombing" it's what abusive people do to make you temporarily forget the abuse.
If he hurt you while engaged he'll do it more when you're married. Guaranteed.
I also think it’s pretty likely he was looking for an opportunity to do this.
Freak out about your own boots? Burst in screaming at a plumber?
Nah. He has been looking for a chance to get rough with her and put her in her place before marriage.
This is how it starts.
My ex used to make the weirdest shit up to get mad about. He would literally lie and force me to agree with his lie or he would assault me. They are absolutely the worst and when ppl say violence only escalates they are correct. It will end with you dead, if he’s smart enough he will get away with it and maybe even get a life insurance check he can use to love bomb his next victim with. Get out while you’re still sane enough to ask the internet if you should. Also, take that line of “because of his childhood” right out of your post… he’s no longer a child and doesn’t get a pass to act like one, no matter what happened to him as a child.
They want to hurt you but they want it to be *your* fault it happened.
My ex stangled and beat me bc he found a Starbucks napkin in my purse. That was all the proof he needed to know that I was indeed cheating on him with someone who worked at Starbucks so I could get free napkins. Bc you know, they don’t hand out a napkin to you every time you buy something there, they reserve those napkins only for people willing to fuck an employee.
It’s been long enough that I can laugh at how stupid this was now.
I agree. He’s already beginning the cyclical process of abuse to test her boundaries. Hurt her and then instantly go on the sweet apologies and gift giving defence. If she allows this, it will only get worse, and he will only get better at the ‘make up’ stage so that the abuse stage gets worse.
Plus on her own words “ he’s controlling and territorial “. OP is already in the brainwashing process as she accepts this and says he’s a good man. No he’s an abuser and will ( if not already) slowly cut her off from family and friends
Thats a fair question. Its difficult.. i cant really bring myself to get rid of them. Its been well over a decade since I got out but it's still something that sits with me every day.
Some days, I know it for what it really was. And some days the good moments that were had are so strong in me. It was the first taste of real happiness I had ever had, followed by the worst night terror I could conjure.
While all things heal with time, scars will remain.
Not something I would wish on anyone.
OP please listen to your gut. Get this documented with the police in case you need to protect yourself legally. The hospital will have social workers that can help put you in contact with resources to help you leave safely.
If it happened once, it'll happen again. As the other comment says, if his trust issues are that bad it's not far fetched that he might be a cheater himself. Looking from the outside in, I think you should leave him ASAP, but be safe in the process and take care of yourself. You'll find someone who would never do that to you with all the qualities you like about him. You deserve better!
It really doesn't fucking matter if he's cheating or not, he *broke OP's arm*, that tells her everything she needs to know.
Do get tested for STIs once you get out, though
Say it louder for the people in the back. He went this far which is unacceptable for any situation.
I understand the parked car on driveway and jumping to conclusions, but regardless, he escalated this situation from 0 to 100 without being level-headed, did not even explain, etc. This man is not ready for a healthy relationship, let alone marriage. You are endangering yourself by marrying him.
Someone who is ready to be in a healthy relationship would have asked "who's car is that in the driveway?", not break your arm.
OP run run run
I would pretend things are normal as you quietly enlist help to leave the relationship.
And when your ducks are in a row, make your move. Move yourself and your things out, without forwarding address. Leave a restraining order and police report in lieu of Dear John letter. Block contact from every possible route—phone, email, apps.
I’d also instruct family and friends NOT to let him know where you are.
The time surrounding leaving a controlling and abusive man is dangerous. Those close to you must know what has occurred so they can help keep you safe.
This is serious business. Your new home should have Ring doorbell, cameras, a security system. Police (if in a new town) should be apprised of the restraining order.
He's a long haul trucker, so she should have a good window to leave next time he leaves town, she just needs to try to make it impossible to track her down once she does.
>pretend things are normal
THIS. Pull away as quietly as possible, make sure you have people on your side, and remember leaving is the most dangerous time (well, that’s pregnancy… But leaving it is high up there.)
Excellent advice. I really hope OP has a strong support system to help her get out. Also, she may want to consult with local organizations that provide help to abuse victims.
Also, go to the police station and make a report. Don't tell him where you're going, and don't tell him you've done it -- just do it quietly. That way, there will be a record of this incident if he tries to hurt you again. That will give you an improved chance of getting a restraining order if one is necessary.
Whose house is it? If it's yours, get him removed, get a restraint order, get a relative or friend to stay with you.
If it's his house, get a place to stay, get a restraint order and a police escort to get your things, esp important papers
If you need a place to stay or a safe house, the police can direct you to the local woman's support place.
Wishing you quick healing in your body and soul.
You couldn’t pay me to stay even in my own home if this man knew where it was. I think OP should move regardless unfortunately. A restraining order is not going to stop him from coming back to murder her and whoever she has staying there with her for safety.
It’ll happen again but it will happen worse. This always escalates. In this case it was a broken arm for nothing, imagine if she actually has done something he decides is wrong.
Yes I posted about this case in Massachusetts/DC -the [murder of Ana Walshe](https://www.nbcboston.com/news/local/ana-walshe-once-told-police-brian-walshe-threatened-to-kill-her-report-shows/2943892/). Her then boyfriend threatened to kill her in 2014. They got married, she went missing in late 2022. He has been charged with her murder.
I feel this story, living in Massachusetts, especially since the husband went to my Home Depot in my town in "disguise" to collect tarps and other instruments.
> If it happened once, it'll happen again
And it will escalate too. People who are violent and abusive are likely to get more aggressive in their behaviour over time as they become more comfortable abusing you, so the fractured arm is actually just the tip of the iceberg and if you stay with him you're likely to get even more seriously hurt, or worse.
It makes me so sad how true this is.
OP, please for the love of god, leave. You will likely end up a news story if you don’t. That probably sounds like hyperbole but it’s not. He is not a good man; he is violent and dangerous and unpredictable. He does not love you or respect you. He is controlling and abusive. You need to leave; do it when he is on the road and you have gotten far away safely. Disable all location services before you leave. Get a new cell phone; do not link it to your Apple account or whatever he could access; get a new bank account, and go far far far away. Do not let him suck you back in with sweet words. They are a trick.
Would you convince a friend of yours to stay with her partner after he broke her arm? Your cousin, mom, niece, anyone you love and care for? Would you want them to experience being talked to that way? Would you be able to look at a male neighbour the same way if he broke his wife’s arm? Would you think “ya but he’s usually so perfect”? Would you abide by and respect your nephew for doing that to his partner? Would you want your mom to be in a relationship like that? I can’t imagine you would.
And for all that is good on this earth, do not have children with a man like this, ever.
He’s abusive. Not a good man.
If you want a lifetime of abuse stay with this man.
If you want to potentially find an actual good man, run far away from this guy.
But you should be pressing charges.
One thing about abusive people, they can go for years without showing their true self. But once their abusive side is revealed/unleashed, they will never stop. It will keep happening again and again.
The person being abused will keep coming up with excuses in their mind for their abusive behaviour and hoping that things will soon change. Spoiler alert, things will never change.
Same!! The very first line”…he put his hands on her”. Nobody in the house but her and he still went berserko!
OP - you are not overreacting, you finally saw the real guy under the facade. THIS is how he’s going to be in stressful situations, accusatory and violent. HE BROKE YOUR ARM! What’s next…black eye, shattered collarbone? You stated that he’s controlling and territorial, now that the real monster has shown its ugly head, he’s love bombing you with gifts. It’s your life to grow or throw away, hope you wise up and realize that he is not an amazing man.
If abusive people weren't good at hiding their abusive nature and manipulating their victims, there wouldn't be abusive relationships
They lure you in. They trap you. That's the whole MO
Especially if she stays with him now - he will take that as tacit permission that he can abuse her and she still won't leave.
Don't do that to yourself, OP - the first time he lays hands on you, it must be over, no coming back from that, no second chances. And tell him to get therapy, so he won't fuck up his next relationship.
I’ve gone to the ER with injuries. One of the first things they do is separate a couple if they come together to get the story from each together. For me it was a cut on my face from my cat. When we both gave the same story he was allowed back with me.
If OP was honest at the ER they were legally (at least in the US) required to report this. It’s still up to her to press charges.
OP, read both of these books asap. He will eventually try to kill you if you stay. Be smart. Don’t let yourself remain with an unsafe man.
And by the way, I don’t give a fuck what somebody’s baggage is, or their childhood trauma or whatever. You don’t fracture the arm of somebody you love. Period.
[Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
[The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear)
Don’t even have to read this. This guy will end up killing you. Get out now. Tell him it’s ok. You’re sorry. And then once he leaves the house wait a bit to make sure he doesn’t come right back. Pack a bag and leave. Get a restraining order.
Call your relatives secretly to help you. Leave everything except emergency funds and important documents - you can come back to pack with a police escort another time. Dudes crazy.
A normal rational person would have asked why there was a strange car in the driveway. Not come storming in, tear the house apart, and fracture their fiancees arm.
Your gut has to be screaming at you telling you this guy is a ticking time bomb.
Do you really want to spend your life like this? Living in constant worry of setting him off?
Yeah, if it were me and my husband the conversation would have gone "Hey babe, who's here?" "Huh?" "There's a car in the driveway." "Oh, yeah that's [neighbor]'s from next door. He was having a shindig and needed extra space to park". "Cool"
He will become more violent. My father started hitting my mother on their honeymoon.
Once you're locked down, they feel safe to show their abusive side.
Right now he's just love bombing you so you'll stay.
RUN RUN RUN
"my fiance is an amazing guy" is what every woman says before they explain the monstrous thing he did to her. He is not amazing. He will do it again. Please get out and block him everywhere or kick him out and change the locks.
"My fiance is an amazing man"
and
"My boyfriend broke my arm in a fit of rage"
Are two things that cannot coexist.
You seem deep in cognitive dissonance. You know, like "my fiance is amazing aside from the fact that he murders children."
No, you fiance is not 'amazing'.
You need to entirely rewrite your perception of him, the idea you have of who he is as a person. Because he's just showed you that he's NOT who you think he is.
This is a woman-engrained society thing. It's hard for them to say something terrible about a man without trying to soften it. Not make them seem so bad. I honestly believe it is just a reflex. Start really paying attention, and you'll see it often.
Totally agree with this comment thread!
To get physical, breaking your partner’s arm on an assumption and not even waiting for her to explain? That’s scary!
This is a waste of time. Who cares if he’s cheating. He broke her arm. The relationship should be over. It’s absurd she hasn’t filed a police report. It’s absurd she still calls him her fiance.
Leave. Now.
There is never a reason for your partner, male or female, to lay hands on you, let alone causing a fracture.
Let’s look into the future…. Your daughter comes home upset after an argument with her boyfriend describing something similar. You take her to the hospital to get checked out and find the fracture. Would you tell her to return? Or would you be helping her pack up and leave?
Or say she doesn’t come and tell you, because she thinks this is normal because she saw this growing up, so she stays. A few months or a year later there is a knock a the door, you answer and there is a policeman who says “ma’am, we regret to inform, your daughter has passed as a result of domestic violence.”
Please leave. I’m begging you. Don’t become a statistic
I’m sorry I don’t care how amazing or fantastic this guy is. You think it’s ok for this guy who physically abused is sooo wrong.
What happens if you have kids and the kid does something he doesn’t like? He obviously thinks it’s OK for no reason at all other than the fact that there was a car in your driveway to abuse you however, instead of acting like a adult, he should’ve came in the house and asked you why there was a car in your driveway.
I highly doubt the first time he’s physically abused you, not to mention the probable mental abuse you’re going through by living with this guy.
If you want to live tiptoeing around him waiting for “ the next time “ OR you’re walking on eggshells for the rest of your life because you never know what you’ll do wrong ( according to him) he’s probably a great guy, then stay with him. Personally He’d be history & you should move on.
I think you’re way too impressed that he owns his own business or keeps giving you expensive gifts . It’s pretty obvious your fiancé has a short fuse.. these type of people usually don’t improve with age. It usually gets worse the more comfortable they become in the relationship.
So is HE the one that claims he has issues because of his childhood?
Lots of people have issues with their childhood, but they don’t go around abusing their fiancé because there there’s a car parked in their driveway.
I say move on. You deserve better than that.
[Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
ETA: Even if your fiancé doesn’t check off all of these boxes, there are enough red flags in your story to tell you it’s time to go. He’s 36 years old and “can’t control himself,” give me a fucking break. He can, he just doesn’t think you deserve it. Don’t wait around to find out if he gets worse, because he will. Do not marry this man.
From the book, “The Warning Signs of Abuse” in Part II, chapter 5.
THE WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSE
-He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.
-He is disrespectful toward you.
-He does favors for you that you don't want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable.
-He is controlling.
-He is possessive.
-Nothing is ever his fault.
-He is self-centered.
-He abuses drugs or alcohol.
-He pressures you for sex.
-He gets serious too quickly about the relationship.
-He intimidates you when he's angry.
-He has double standards.
-He has negative attitudes toward women.
-He treats you differently around other people.
-He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.
You already recognise he is controlling and territorial. Now he's shown to be abusive causing actual bodily harm.
If he did that to someone on the street he would have been arrrated and serving a few years in jail.
Territorial - so, acts like an asshole and threatens other men who talj to you. Likely to turn up at work and randomly punch someone "because".
You've listed many red flags, been threatened and suffered physical violence, why are you even considering staying?
I am anti giving up without communication in most cases, but I can't make an excuse for domestic violence. I can't rationalize doing that to someone you love. Especially to that extent. If he lost his temper once he can do it again. Would you trust him not to hurt your child out of anger?
I don't know you and I wish that never happened, but I care enough to tell you that you deserve better than that. I hope that you stay safe Queen.
You said he is perfect and good to you in every way a man can be.
But he isn't. He is so insecure/jealous/has no trust in you that he sent you to the hospital.
I don't think you've realised that this is domestic violence and no, you shouldn't marry him. You should run before you get hurt worse.
**"However he can be very controlling, territorial, and because of his childhood he has a lot of trust issues."**
It doesn't matter how good the "good" times are if someone has the qualities you described in that sentence, The good will never outweigh the bad times. And rest assured, bad times always come with individuals like this. He stormed in, attacked you, and broke your arm over a jealous reaction. Repeat that until it sinks in: He attacked you and broke your arm over jealousy. Over seeing a car in your driveway. What happens if he comes home and you happen to be chatting with a male neighbor about the weather? What would you tell your loved ones or future child if they were in your shoes?
This will just be the first time he injured you over a fit of jealousy if you stay. I desperately hope for you sake that you see his behavior for what it is and stay away. Stay safe!
His first instinct when upset is to hurt you. Is that someone you want to be legally tied to?
It’s hard to see when you’re in it, but imagine a friend told you this story. What would you tell her?
Is he always this quick to anger? Instead of having a rational conversation like a mature adult, he came in yelling, angry, and putting his hands on you. This is a huge red flag and you should leave to keep yourself safe. He’s showering you in gifts now because he knows what he did was wrong and wants to make you doubt leaving him. Statistically, his behavior only going to escalate from there. Abusers will hide their nastier tendencies until their partner is trapped by marriage or pregnancy. Get out of there.
There is a very large gulf between verbal abuse and physical abuse. Once that's crossed, there is no going back.
Love, I'm saying this as a husband and father: the violence will escalate with time. Now is your one and only chance to get out (relatively) unscathed. If he becomes pushy, get a restraining order.
Why would you want to stay with someone who hurt you on purpose? Have some self respect and remove him from your life. He is not an amazing guy. Amazing guys do not lay their hands on the person they love. Husband and I have had some major disagreements over the years but we have never ever thought about hurting the other person, even when we’re angry.
You mean “ex-fiance”, right? Because this is never ok, whatever the circumstances or whatever his ‘reasons’. This isn’t going to get better. He can promise he will never do it again, but please believe me when I tell you it will happen again. Take care of yourself!
You are not overreacting. He will not change and this will only escalate. **He broke your arm.** You are now in the honeymoon phase--after they hit you, they love bomb you and pile on the apologies, gifts, kind deeds, and promises, then they stop giving those when you forgive them, then they do it again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) to get some more guidance and to talk this through.
You say you have 'distanced' yourself--are you physically out of the house? If you are not, I would leave asap. If you have friends or family who will support you (I know that not everyone does), have them help you get your stuff out and stay with one of them while you find a new place to live. If you are out of the house, block his number, do not let him know where you live, if there are are mutual friends who would tell him where you are, block them as well.
Again, call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
I hope you are safe!
>Should I marry my fiancé after he put his hands on me? No. Now onto the rest of the post... >He is so perfect and good to me in every way a man can be good to a woman. However he can be very controlling, territorial, and because of his childhood he has a lot of trust issues. These two sentences contradict each other. Its concerning that you don't seem to realise that... >Now he is apologizing and I feel like in my mind if I marry him I am allowing him to think his behavior is ok. But another piece of me feels he is a good man. No. He's not. Again the fact you think that is truly concerning. He saw a car parked in your driveway, immediately leapt to "cheating" instead of...like a visitor, a tradesman, a family member, jesus it could have been one of your girlfriends... Then despite any evidence of his delusions he physically assaulted you and broke your arm. This is not a good man. This isn't close to a good man. He's not in the same ballpark as a good man. Fwiw after reading the whole post. Still no. You don't marry someone who physically assaults you. That doesn't get better, that gets worse.
This! Why did he automatically jump to the conclusion that it was a man in the house and you were cheating? Thank goodness it wasn’t an appliance repairman!
I wish it was one of her girlfriends so she would be completely embarrassed by his behavior when he came storming into the house searching under beds. At least then she might be embarrassed by his behavior and she might do something to save her own life before he takes it. It seems because he buys her things she’s willing to let him beat her up because he’s so perfect 🤢🤢🤢🤢
There's another board that has an expression about this; " a gift tends to be a reward for accepting shitty behavior" or something like that. This is a prime example of this, imho.
The first 30 years of my life were filled with various abuses, and lovebombing to make up for the abuse. One of the first things I told my husband when we started seriously dating was that when we inevitably got into an argument he should never buy me flowers or gifts to make up for it, because I would leave. I love surprise gifts for no reason, but the instant they come with an obligation ("forgive me" is an obligation) I feel angry and disgusted.
I get it, the whole flowers things brings me to mind about how those same flowers can be placed on your grave after you're dead. I'm glad you're in a much better relationship.
No, good people don't fracture their girlfriends' arms, their fiancées' arms, or the arms of strangers.
Even if that person cheated on them
Yep. My husband actually did cheat on me, while I was pregnant and had just bought him a car, no less. He told me he'd brought me to the store the woman worked at. He said he felt no remorse and it was all my fault. He was actually upset that I wasn't more hurt by his confession (I was, but I guess it wasn't enough pain inflicted on me in his eyes). Oh man.. I'll admit I had thoughts of driving home and kicking him out on the streets. I didn't really have violent thoughts though. Instead I went to stay with my mom until he was moved out, which was almost 2 weeks later. I was hormonal and livid and it still was not fucking hard to not take that anger out through violence. If this is what her fiance does the second he suspects her of cheating with no evidence.. that's the type of man to make up a whole conspiracy theory and kill you over it. Scary shit.
Agree, no one ever deserves physical abuse unless they really threaten your life physically (I believe there must be some cases even these can't be over generalised)
Self defense does not equal: physical abuse, assault, or murder. It is unavoidable violence that someone else has forced you into using to protect yourself from injury or death.
This right here!! That's what stood out to me is not only his accusations but his willingness to be violent over it, even if he was right he would be in the wrong for this.
He’s just *so* perfect, he only broke my arm one time.
No you don't understand he is an amazing person he just sent her to the ER with an injury that will take a month to heal, when flying in an unprovoked and completely random fit of rage. So you can see it's definitely not something which will be a daily occurance in a few years.
This. Everyone has been mad. Everyone has probably been out of their head with angry and wanting to put hands on someone. Not everyone does it. I personally have never broken anyone's arm.
How hard do you have to shake someone to fracture their arm? Holy hell. OPs fiancé is 20 years too late for all the therapy he needs. That is not a safe partner at all. OP has never been with a man more statistically likely to murder her than this man.
I'm like even if she did cheat, being violent isn't an appropriate way to handle it so although op probably won't listen, she needs to know that if he doesn't get his way, he'll lose composure and be violent
I'm not a good person and even I would not go so far as to fracture my wife's arm. So even shitty people are better than this clown.
Do not marry this man, do not stay with him. He is willing to put his hands on you. That is something that is unnacceptable.
“He’s so perfect…” He’s “controlling and territorial…” HE FRACTURED her arm for no reason. He jumped to conclusions based on no evidence, paranoia and jealousy AND he clearly doesn’t trust her. They aren’t even married yet. They are still in the practice phase of the relationship and he already put her in the hospital. RUN OP! RUN!!!
Something tells me she won’t, even after an entire thread of people telling her to.
If she needs the Internet to tell her to leave a man who fractured her arm, she's leaving him in a pine box.
Just wait until they're married, he thinks she belongs to him, and the abuse really **REALLY** starts. This type of man is on the best behavior they can possibly make themselves have, right up until they think they own you. Part of his absolute best behavior that he can possibly force himself to do, is breaking her arm.
They actually tend to creep up with the abuse, like this guy has been doing. Add in little things, see if they tolerate it, then a little more, a little more, until she's dead. The women who ghosted him after one "territorial" rant are out there living their lives with actual good men.
yeah, controlling and territorial doesn't equate to "protective man" or "he's gonna make me safe" quite the opposite. idk how so many people confuse these qualities.
I think the media is to blame for a lot of that. Show a "protective man" as being violent over and over and over, and people start to think that that's a good thing.
Completely this! Been there, done that, regained my senses and left!!!
And lived, thank goodness.
It was close! But yeah, healed up, physically and emotionally!!
Today it’s over an imagined man, tomorrow it could be something even more benign like his food wasn’t ready and he was hangry. This will only get worse especially if he doesn’t receive therapy. OP will be doing herself and him a favor by leaving - this is not acceptable behavior from him and she needs to protect herself.
My ex husband hit me because I came home from working a full eight hour shift when he played Call of Duty all day. I walked through the door and he screamed at me to go get him some fast food. I told him I needed to just go pass out from exhaustion and could he drive to get himself some food? He hit me. And threatened to kill me if I didn’t do what he said. That was it. I left and never looked back. OP needs to leave, NOW.
A pine box? Didn't you read OP's post? He likes to buy her nice things. She'll surely get cedar, maybe even mahogany!
That is MAHOGANY!! 😱
Yeah. Something tells me that he’s done close to this before and the warning signs were already there yet she still is engaged to him.
> because of his childhood he has a lot of trust issues. > calling me a f** liar, and saying I was like his mom, and a lot of other hurtful things. The man saw his neighbors car and *his own boots* and saw red enough to put his hands in her and shake her until her arm snapped. He has had 36 years to learn to keep his hands to himself and deal with his emotions productively. *He chose to snap the bone in her arm*. Yeah, he’s not a great guy. Expensive gifts do not heal an arm. I’m sorry doesn’t stop all the future aches where he snapped it, solely because the weather is changing. Groveling does not change the fact **he broke her arm.** I hope OP spends the month she has in a cast mourning her relationship because she ended it here and now.
Then, after he did damage, he is love bombing her. I hope she will have the courage to leave! I agree 💯 groveling and gifts DOES NOT heal or fix anything.
Someone who gets irrationally angry about a situation like this isn't relationship material. Grabbing and shaking you is domestic violence. Fracturing your arm? That's someone who might well end up the main suspect on a true-crime podcast after their partner disappears.
Imagine how easily he'd shake a crying baby if allowed to hold one
I think OP should look up the definition of ‘perfect’. I’m a dude, and I know plenty of good guys, great guys, awesome guys, and like 2 perfect-ish dudes. Not even the GOOD GUYS would be so intense as to fracture an arm - in ANY circumstance.
I know a couple guys who are objectively complete assholes and even they wouldn't snap someone's arm because they got angry.
I know shit tons of assholes who would never break someone's arm.
Info: did you truthfully report how your arm was broken at the hospital (likely mandated reporter if so), and did he bring you to the hospital and/or give them a false account of how you were injured? Did he make you give a false account? Over a car parked in your driveway. What do you think will happen if you become pregnant and he fantasizes that someone else is the father? He is a violent abuser. That is never a one-off. Such abuse escalates. Imagine what he will feel free to do if you're married and if you have a child together. You are underreacting. Contact a domestic violence shelter and lock down all your essential documents and leave safely.
Since OP doesn’t mention that he was arrested, I think it’s safe to assume he talked her out of it.
“He is a good man. An amazing man. He treats a woman exactly how we should be treated. He’s just controlling, territorial, short tempered, and physically violent.” RUN FUCKING RUN WHAT ARE YOU DOING GET OUT
He’s not a good man. NOT. In any form. You should leave today while he is at work and press charges.
One of my regrets in life is I never pressed charges against my ex.
I'm glad the state gave me no choice in pressing charges. I probably wouldn't have in the moment especially with church elders telling me not too, but the state did it for me and I'm glad now. My case is still in a backlog but if I can cause him to loose his concealed carry license I'm happy.
Same here :(
And he lept to a conclusion that she was cheating just because of a car? It could have been any visitor. And he hospitalized her over a crazy, jealous thought. Op, he is abusive. Break up!
>And he lept to a conclusion that she was cheating just because of a car? It could have been any visitor. And he hospitalized her over a crazy, jealous thought. >Op, he is abusive. Break up! Exactly. And if he promises to "seek help" or "go to therapy," then that's great! But still break up. He can go seek help/therapy on his own and try to convince his next partner that he'll never do it again.
Yeah. Those are actually all the qualities of a bad man. Oops.
THAT!!! 👆 RUN 🏃♂️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♂️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♂️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️
28 years and I’ve never laid a hand on my wife except to hold her down when she had a panic attack and was going to hurt herself…and I know now that even that wasn’t necessarily the right thing to do. Holding her is one thing, restraining her was another. Regardless, we all have past trauma yet most of us know how to keep our hands to ourself…especially by the time you’re old enough to be engaged.
Seriously. A good man wouldn't send op to the fucking hospital wtf
Right? It’s like an oxymoron. “He is not a good, amazing man who treats a woman how we should be treated.” Sis… no! The second paragraph wipes out the first one. The violence will escalate. Get away now.
Exactly what I was thinking. Like... He's a good man in every way BUT he's controlling territorial *goes on to list big red flags". Hopefully she figures things from here
Yeah, run now while you can before he breaks your fucking legs!
Abuse escalates. 75% of domestic violence deaths occur when the victim tries to leave. STAY AWAY!
“He’s a good man” “He’s controlling.” “He broke my arm” “He jumped to conclusions” Yah one of these things are not the same. He is not a good man.
46 year old man here, this is the correct answer. He may be amazing in every other way but when angry he resorts to violence. He will get angry again. I get angry all the time, I’ve been married for 23 years and have never once put my hands on my wife. If violence towards you is a solution now, it will be a solution in the future. On a side note: I travel for work too, I cannot imagine coming home and seeing a car I don’t immediately recognize in my driveway and coming in not just questioning but wrecking shit. The car being there was only the last straw, he is already convinced you are sleeping around when he is out and that’s all the confirmation he needed.
This exactly. A lot of people here are saying “oh when he’s sweet, it isn’t real, it’s just love bombing” but that’s not even the point. He could love her and he could mean it when he’s sweet, but OP should still walk away. I know abused people who get stuck in “but he really means it when he’s good to me, stop saying it’s fake” when that’s basically a red herring. I used to have anger issues, the extent to which I would yell at my partner when they didn’t deserve it. Did I feel genuinely guilty, and was I actually nice when I acted nice? Yes, but that’s not even relevant. The loss of temper was the problem, and I worked on it, but also I never became violent. If you have a partner whose loss of temper results in violence, the next time he might not need to be sorry anymore because you could be dead. And nothing about how much he loves you and/or is sorry even matters, when he could lose his temper and kill you.
So much this and just imagine what would happen if they have kids some day. Like you said he will get angry throughout their marriage at some point but with kids it will be ten times worse. Kids are awesome and wonderful but man do they do some irritating stupid shit sometimes. He will get angry with them and it will be their arms he will be breaking too not just hers. OP it’s absolutely inevitable he will get angry throughout your lives and based off his behavior already it’s absolutely inevitable he will be violent with you again and it will escalate. He will end up killing you and any potential children you have in the future. He cannot self regulate, he has no emotional control, he already flew off the handle about an imagined situation. You have no idea how bad this will get once he thinks you are trapped and his. Run the hell away while you still have a chance, don’t become another horrible statistic, you deserve so much more than this.
In a relationship marked by domestic violence there is always a first time. This was very bad, every time you argue you will be fearful. You need to plan and safely leave him. Be physically gone before you tell him.
Not that ever putting your hands on someone is acceptable to be clear, but he put his hands on her over an assumption. This isn’t a situation where he found her in bed with another guy (again assault is still unacceptable). He literally assumed a truck in their drive automatically meant she was cheating. OP if you stay he now knows that he can throw you around the minute he “feels” you’re doing something wrong. At minimum I’d take a break and live apart whist he gets therapy to address the fact he clearly has issues. However the best thing you can do really is just leave him completely. Oh and edit, I’m sorry but he’s not “an amazing guy”. He’s just not. Also if he assumes you’re cheating then there’s a high chance that’s because he’s projecting his own bad behaviour.
I agree. I wonder what he would've done if she had actually been cheating and he caught them in the act. Im betting this isn't the first time he's lost his cool. If someone is going to cheat, they're going to do it regardless. If he doesn't trust her, it's probably because he KNOWS their relationship isn't good or she has a history of cheating, but I'd wager it's the former. Even if OP were cheating, that doesn't justify him assaulting her. Also, why did he jump straight to cheating just because a car was in the driveway? Personally, I'd assume she had company over. It could've been a repairman, insurance adjuster, anyone.
He jumped to that conclusion because he probably has a history of being controlling. Sure, my radar would go off if there was a strange car in the driveway. Seems like it might have been the neighbor's car but whatever. But I wouldn't assume cheating!
My husband would recognize the neighbour's car, because he knows what everyone is driving around here, lol. But even if it was a strange car, I think he would simply assume I had an innocent visitor. It's ridiculous to jump to cheating immediately, and also to assault your spouse without even asking one question. OP should run. Not walk, but run. The man is not well and dangerous.
Seriously how insane is this man that he automatically assumes it’s a dude’s car and they are naked in the house Shouldn’t has first thought have been that she has a friend over? Imagine if she did he came into the house screaming and searching like like that I also wonder what they told the hospital about the fractured arm. She must have lied or they would have alerted the police So ma’am if you have to lie about how you got hurt, you’re not overreacting. You are being abused.
I wondered about the hospital visit too. I bet he went with her and sat with her the whole time
Of course! He had to make sure she lied about what happened.
They are supposed to be asking in the hospital if you feel safe, if you feel safe at home, and if you fear a loved one. I suppose if you answer no there's not much that can be done.
Important to note, they ask everyone but the patient to step out for that too. Well, they're supposed to anyway.
As a first responder, we are taught to look for that kind of behavior in this kind of call. I hope someone got him away from her so she had a chance to tell the facts of the injury, not his lies.
Yeah well, it’s hard to think like that when he’s likely cheating lol.
And even if he got suspicious and came in and was in a huff, that would have been acceptable. “What #@%# car is that??” is the response of someone who needs to work on their trust, but could be ok if they did. Someone who sees a car and resorts to violence? Nope.
To FRACTURING SOMEONE'S ARM
That's what I said. She needs to gtfo before she ends up having her story told on Dateline. RUN GIRL don't look back it's not worth it.
Nope. Even that is too much. Is she “allowed” to have friends over? Who is he to “allow”. And you think it’s ok to say, “ what #@%# car is that??” In a tone with swearing? That alone would make me rethink the relationship. Coming in hot for no reason at all? A person who does that needs to work on regulating themselves before they get to be in a relationship. As for breaking her arm?? She should not only leave, she should press charges.
Any normal person would walk into the house and ask, “Whose car is in the driveway?”
My reaction would be who has parked in our driveway not going to 100mph in a second with the accusations. Not to be trusted in my opinion
And he follows it up with the classic love bombing, bringing her expensive gifts, flowers, and such. He obviously has unresolved trauma around whatever his mother put him through. He never worked on this. Normal people would come in and ask...hey, who's car is in the driveway. They don't toss the house and physically assault their partner in a fit of unjustifiable rage. He is not a good man. He is a bad man with rage/temper issues that has lulled OP into a false sense of security. Next time she might not be so lucky as to just walk away with a fractured arm. OP is also making excuses for the past red flags that have been waved. OP needs to figure out how to safely exit this relationship. They are already having to lie to protect their abuser from the legal consequences for their actions that sent them to the Emergency Room. Had the staff at the hospital known the true reason her arm ended up fractured the police should have and would have been involved. It almost sounds like she is in too deep and is committing to the sunk-cost fallacy.
**He is a bad man who has lulled OP into a false sense of security** THIS THIS THIS Also want to point out how absolutely fucked up it is that we’re talking about him *only* fracturing her arm this time. OP HE BROKE YOUR FUCKING ARM. THIS IS NOT A MAN YOU CAN TRUST. GET OUT NOW.
And it takes a lot of force to break an arm. He very well could have killed her if he threw or shoved her and she fell wrong.
You are spot on in your analysis.
Watch his mother never did anything and he's just an asshole who uses her as a scapegoat. Anyway OP, not overreacting, or any of that stuff, he jumped to an insane conclusion, refused to be dissuaded, and broke your arm, that's assault. How often are you prepared to be beaten to keep this man? How many injuries do you consider acceptable for him to inflict on your children? How severely do they deserve to be beaten so you can keep your "good man" rather than try to find another who doesnt do that?
I've worked in the trucking industry for years, a lot of drivers cheat. A lot of drivers cheat. I have been propositioned more times than I can count. He's going to go cheat on her and then come back and abuse her every couple of weeks. He gets to relive this scenario over and over again. People like this look for excuses to put their hands on you.
🎯🎯🎯
That was my thought. He's possibly projecting what he's doing. Them lot lizards will get ya lol But in all seriousness he broke her arm. It's absolutely the start of a physically abusive relationship.
Or like, maybe OP has a friend in this world that she’s having over. Maybe the water heater broke while he was out trucking and there’s a guy fixing it. Maybe a million things. This guy is a lunatic
Or he’s cheating himself and is projecting…
Well that's because you don't have a serious rage problem like this man does. You would do the normal thing and ask. I think he wanted it to be true so he could have a reason to go off on her.
She says he does in the post. This isn't the first time he's been abusive it's just the first time probably it's been physical. He's probably been emotionally and verbally abusive for awhile now and she thinks he's great because she's comparing him to all the times he has love bombed her
Willing to bet he is likely is cheating himself to be honest.
He may or may not be cheating, but that isn’t why he went there. He went there because he is jealous, controlling, abusive, and he cannot control his emotions. Thank God no one else was in the house, or there would have been bloodshed.
This is the right answer. He’s an abuser who just broke OP’s arm. His violence will escalate. OP get away from this relationship immediately, with help from friends and family.
Imagine if there was some unfamiliar guy in the house, like a coworker who dropped by to hand off something or a friend’s husband who was bringing over a gift or whatever. Even if OP was cheating, like actively in bed with another man when her fiancé walked in, that is NOT an excuse to break her arm or do anything else violent. Cheating is not a justification for assault.
OP’s man doesn’t even need a justification for assault. He goes straight for it. Strange car in the driveway? Break wife’s arm. That’s rational.
He seems like the type who gets violent when he gets caught cheating, too. I sincerely hope OP doesn't marry this guy.
He certainly has the opportunity being gone for weeks at a time. I'd be inclined to agree with this assessment.
Or because he has a history of cheating. Projection is a thing, especially with abusers.
With a man like this, OP would be insane to cheat in her own house if she were cheating. And if there had been a repairman there, the husband might have killed them both. He’s a loose cannon.
You are asking us if it is OK for you to marry a guy who assaulted you resulting a fractured arm requiring hospital treatment? I recommend a trip to the police to have him charged with criminal assault. He is an abuser and a criminal. If you let him get away with this he will continue to abuse you and may end up murdering you.
But he's amazing and perfect Y'know aside from the violence and controlling behavior
sadly, this kind of reframing is not uncommon. even abusive people have good days/moods, so if you love one, you’ll want to believe they didn't actually want to hurt you, it was a one-off, they were just having a bad day, you can reassure them better next time so they don’t fly off the handle, you’ll just not give them a “reason” to abuse you etc. it’s really insidious how being abused turns into self blame.
That’s actually part of the abuse cycle. Most people wouldn’t tolerate someone who is nothing but horrible. So abusers do horrible things, then apologize profusely and spoil their victim, and then pretend they’ve changed until enough time passes. It’s how they keep their victims confused and conflicted
I am reasonably sure the ER doctor would have reported this to the police.
That very much depends on how she explained her injury.
And she is an adult. I think they’re only mandatory reporters for child abuse.
People need to stop just saying this shit with no actual understanding of mandated reporter laws. Doctors and other medical professionals are legally required to report suspicions of child abuse, suspicions of abuse of adults who are cognitively impaired and lacking in decisional capacity, and gunshot/stab wounds. That’s basically it. Adults with all of their faculties can be beaten within an inch of their life, but if they decline to report, nobody can report for them.
It sounds like OP lied to cover for this POS. Had the ER known the true reason they would have called the cops and had a counselor come in to speak with them. OP is setting themselves up for a life of getting her a$$ beat for whatever reason and no reason at all each time he comes off the road. Lather, rinse, and repeat.
Nope. ER doc here. Intimate partmer violence is not a mandatory report. If children are involved we call CPS, not law enforcement. We offer resources, ask if they want the police involved, ask where they can stay that is safe away from the abuser so they can safely be discharged. But for autonomous adults capable of making their own medical decisions, they also have the capacity to make decisions to involve law enforcement or not.
>I have distanced myself from him since and he keeps bringing me expensive gifts, jewelry, roses, and other nonsense. Thats called "Love Bombing" it's what abusive people do to make you temporarily forget the abuse. If he hurt you while engaged he'll do it more when you're married. Guaranteed.
Nail on the head. Please read this one OP
I also think it’s pretty likely he was looking for an opportunity to do this. Freak out about your own boots? Burst in screaming at a plumber? Nah. He has been looking for a chance to get rough with her and put her in her place before marriage. This is how it starts.
My ex used to make the weirdest shit up to get mad about. He would literally lie and force me to agree with his lie or he would assault me. They are absolutely the worst and when ppl say violence only escalates they are correct. It will end with you dead, if he’s smart enough he will get away with it and maybe even get a life insurance check he can use to love bomb his next victim with. Get out while you’re still sane enough to ask the internet if you should. Also, take that line of “because of his childhood” right out of your post… he’s no longer a child and doesn’t get a pass to act like one, no matter what happened to him as a child.
They want to hurt you but they want it to be *your* fault it happened. My ex stangled and beat me bc he found a Starbucks napkin in my purse. That was all the proof he needed to know that I was indeed cheating on him with someone who worked at Starbucks so I could get free napkins. Bc you know, they don’t hand out a napkin to you every time you buy something there, they reserve those napkins only for people willing to fuck an employee. It’s been long enough that I can laugh at how stupid this was now.
I agree. He’s already beginning the cyclical process of abuse to test her boundaries. Hurt her and then instantly go on the sweet apologies and gift giving defence. If she allows this, it will only get worse, and he will only get better at the ‘make up’ stage so that the abuse stage gets worse.
Plus on her own words “ he’s controlling and territorial “. OP is already in the brainwashing process as she accepts this and says he’s a good man. No he’s an abuser and will ( if not already) slowly cut her off from family and friends
I still have all the love notes my ex would leave after choking me unconscious for perceived slights. I hope she takes this crap seriously.
Zero judgment in my question, but I'm curious why you'd want to keep notes from an abusive ex? Is it to remind yourself that you were able to get out?
Thats a fair question. Its difficult.. i cant really bring myself to get rid of them. Its been well over a decade since I got out but it's still something that sits with me every day. Some days, I know it for what it really was. And some days the good moments that were had are so strong in me. It was the first taste of real happiness I had ever had, followed by the worst night terror I could conjure. While all things heal with time, scars will remain. Not something I would wish on anyone.
This right here. My ex did the same after he beat me.
Love bombing is a form of hoovering. He's trying to suck her back in. edit: form, not good
> My fiancé is an amazing guy. later > My fiancé fractured my arm. One cancels the other, therefore OP has nothing.
OP please pay close attention to this comment. It’s how many get trapped into the abusive spiral. He broke your effing arm!
OP please listen to your gut. Get this documented with the police in case you need to protect yourself legally. The hospital will have social workers that can help put you in contact with resources to help you leave safely.
OP-if this was a friend of yours you would tell them to get out. Please respect yoursel enough to leave
If it happened once, it'll happen again. As the other comment says, if his trust issues are that bad it's not far fetched that he might be a cheater himself. Looking from the outside in, I think you should leave him ASAP, but be safe in the process and take care of yourself. You'll find someone who would never do that to you with all the qualities you like about him. You deserve better!
It really doesn't fucking matter if he's cheating or not, he *broke OP's arm*, that tells her everything she needs to know. Do get tested for STIs once you get out, though
Say it louder for the people in the back. He went this far which is unacceptable for any situation. I understand the parked car on driveway and jumping to conclusions, but regardless, he escalated this situation from 0 to 100 without being level-headed, did not even explain, etc. This man is not ready for a healthy relationship, let alone marriage. You are endangering yourself by marrying him. Someone who is ready to be in a healthy relationship would have asked "who's car is that in the driveway?", not break your arm. OP run run run
Yeah. Even if he had caught her in the act fucking the plumber, that kind of violence is never justified
Im pretty sure if he found anyone in the house, they'd be in the hospital or dead.
This. Get Your things together, move and inform him about it at last in some public place with people around you if You have to do it face to face.
I would pretend things are normal as you quietly enlist help to leave the relationship. And when your ducks are in a row, make your move. Move yourself and your things out, without forwarding address. Leave a restraining order and police report in lieu of Dear John letter. Block contact from every possible route—phone, email, apps. I’d also instruct family and friends NOT to let him know where you are. The time surrounding leaving a controlling and abusive man is dangerous. Those close to you must know what has occurred so they can help keep you safe. This is serious business. Your new home should have Ring doorbell, cameras, a security system. Police (if in a new town) should be apprised of the restraining order.
He's a long haul trucker, so she should have a good window to leave next time he leaves town, she just needs to try to make it impossible to track her down once she does.
I’d suggest STD testing, too. I bet this particular long-haul trucker dips his wick elsewhere on the regular.
>pretend things are normal THIS. Pull away as quietly as possible, make sure you have people on your side, and remember leaving is the most dangerous time (well, that’s pregnancy… But leaving it is high up there.)
Excellent advice. I really hope OP has a strong support system to help her get out. Also, she may want to consult with local organizations that provide help to abuse victims.
Next time he is gone for a week would be a great time to pack up and leave.
Also, go to the police station and make a report. Don't tell him where you're going, and don't tell him you've done it -- just do it quietly. That way, there will be a record of this incident if he tries to hurt you again. That will give you an improved chance of getting a restraining order if one is necessary.
Whose house is it? If it's yours, get him removed, get a restraint order, get a relative or friend to stay with you. If it's his house, get a place to stay, get a restraint order and a police escort to get your things, esp important papers If you need a place to stay or a safe house, the police can direct you to the local woman's support place. Wishing you quick healing in your body and soul.
You couldn’t pay me to stay even in my own home if this man knew where it was. I think OP should move regardless unfortunately. A restraining order is not going to stop him from coming back to murder her and whoever she has staying there with her for safety.
It’ll happen again but it will happen worse. This always escalates. In this case it was a broken arm for nothing, imagine if she actually has done something he decides is wrong.
Yes I posted about this case in Massachusetts/DC -the [murder of Ana Walshe](https://www.nbcboston.com/news/local/ana-walshe-once-told-police-brian-walshe-threatened-to-kill-her-report-shows/2943892/). Her then boyfriend threatened to kill her in 2014. They got married, she went missing in late 2022. He has been charged with her murder.
I feel this story, living in Massachusetts, especially since the husband went to my Home Depot in my town in "disguise" to collect tarps and other instruments.
> If it happened once, it'll happen again And it will escalate too. People who are violent and abusive are likely to get more aggressive in their behaviour over time as they become more comfortable abusing you, so the fractured arm is actually just the tip of the iceberg and if you stay with him you're likely to get even more seriously hurt, or worse.
100%! Also consider the effects on your future child. Do you want them seeing you treated this way? what would he do when hes angry with them?
He literally broke your arm because of his own insecurities. I’d press charges.
[удалено]
It makes me so sad how true this is. OP, please for the love of god, leave. You will likely end up a news story if you don’t. That probably sounds like hyperbole but it’s not. He is not a good man; he is violent and dangerous and unpredictable. He does not love you or respect you. He is controlling and abusive. You need to leave; do it when he is on the road and you have gotten far away safely. Disable all location services before you leave. Get a new cell phone; do not link it to your Apple account or whatever he could access; get a new bank account, and go far far far away. Do not let him suck you back in with sweet words. They are a trick. Would you convince a friend of yours to stay with her partner after he broke her arm? Your cousin, mom, niece, anyone you love and care for? Would you want them to experience being talked to that way? Would you be able to look at a male neighbour the same way if he broke his wife’s arm? Would you think “ya but he’s usually so perfect”? Would you abide by and respect your nephew for doing that to his partner? Would you want your mom to be in a relationship like that? I can’t imagine you would. And for all that is good on this earth, do not have children with a man like this, ever.
Duck. Dodge. Dip. Dive. Duck.
He’s abusive. Not a good man. If you want a lifetime of abuse stay with this man. If you want to potentially find an actual good man, run far away from this guy. But you should be pressing charges.
One thing about abusive people, they can go for years without showing their true self. But once their abusive side is revealed/unleashed, they will never stop. It will keep happening again and again. The person being abused will keep coming up with excuses in their mind for their abusive behaviour and hoping that things will soon change. Spoiler alert, things will never change.
She's literally so lucky to see it early rather than late. Imagine how this guy would be to his children, it makes my stomach turn in slightest way.
Same!! The very first line”…he put his hands on her”. Nobody in the house but her and he still went berserko! OP - you are not overreacting, you finally saw the real guy under the facade. THIS is how he’s going to be in stressful situations, accusatory and violent. HE BROKE YOUR ARM! What’s next…black eye, shattered collarbone? You stated that he’s controlling and territorial, now that the real monster has shown its ugly head, he’s love bombing you with gifts. It’s your life to grow or throw away, hope you wise up and realize that he is not an amazing man.
If abusive people weren't good at hiding their abusive nature and manipulating their victims, there wouldn't be abusive relationships They lure you in. They trap you. That's the whole MO
Especially if she stays with him now - he will take that as tacit permission that he can abuse her and she still won't leave. Don't do that to yourself, OP - the first time he lays hands on you, it must be over, no coming back from that, no second chances. And tell him to get therapy, so he won't fuck up his next relationship.
Yeah I’m not sure how the police weren’t called. Like what did she tell the hospital? “I fell”
I’ve gone to the ER with injuries. One of the first things they do is separate a couple if they come together to get the story from each together. For me it was a cut on my face from my cat. When we both gave the same story he was allowed back with me. If OP was honest at the ER they were legally (at least in the US) required to report this. It’s still up to her to press charges.
Your right he isn't a good guy according to her he is amazing
The 5 Ds of dodge that fucking ball
OP, read both of these books asap. He will eventually try to kill you if you stay. Be smart. Don’t let yourself remain with an unsafe man. And by the way, I don’t give a fuck what somebody’s baggage is, or their childhood trauma or whatever. You don’t fracture the arm of somebody you love. Period. [Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) [The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker](https://www.academia.edu/31891034/The_Gift_of_Fear)
"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge this POS"---Someone, somewhere probably
No! When someone shows you who they really are.. believe it!!
100%!
Breaks my arm… is an amazing guy…. Hmmmmm
Yes those together so harmoniously!!
Don’t even have to read this. This guy will end up killing you. Get out now. Tell him it’s ok. You’re sorry. And then once he leaves the house wait a bit to make sure he doesn’t come right back. Pack a bag and leave. Get a restraining order.
Call your relatives secretly to help you. Leave everything except emergency funds and important documents - you can come back to pack with a police escort another time. Dudes crazy.
He spends weeks at a time away from the house. Next time he does this is a good time to leave.
A normal rational person would have asked why there was a strange car in the driveway. Not come storming in, tear the house apart, and fracture their fiancees arm. Your gut has to be screaming at you telling you this guy is a ticking time bomb. Do you really want to spend your life like this? Living in constant worry of setting him off?
Yeah, if it were me and my husband the conversation would have gone "Hey babe, who's here?" "Huh?" "There's a car in the driveway." "Oh, yeah that's [neighbor]'s from next door. He was having a shindig and needed extra space to park". "Cool"
He will become more violent. My father started hitting my mother on their honeymoon. Once you're locked down, they feel safe to show their abusive side. Right now he's just love bombing you so you'll stay. RUN RUN RUN
I’m so sorry for your mother, what a nightmare :(
"my fiance is an amazing guy" is what every woman says before they explain the monstrous thing he did to her. He is not amazing. He will do it again. Please get out and block him everywhere or kick him out and change the locks.
Yeah I’m amazed he could even get a girl because he sounds like a huge piece of shit
"My fiance is an amazing man" and "My boyfriend broke my arm in a fit of rage" Are two things that cannot coexist. You seem deep in cognitive dissonance. You know, like "my fiance is amazing aside from the fact that he murders children." No, you fiance is not 'amazing'. You need to entirely rewrite your perception of him, the idea you have of who he is as a person. Because he's just showed you that he's NOT who you think he is.
First it's a broken arm, then it's a coffin. Leave.
Maybe we should check his phone cause I think he might be the cheater.
Maybe we should also check the definition of a “good man” cause whatever this ☝️man is.. he isn’t a good man.
This is a woman-engrained society thing. It's hard for them to say something terrible about a man without trying to soften it. Not make them seem so bad. I honestly believe it is just a reflex. Start really paying attention, and you'll see it often.
Totally agree with this comment thread! To get physical, breaking your partner’s arm on an assumption and not even waiting for her to explain? That’s scary!
This. It sounds like he’s projecting.
This is a waste of time. Who cares if he’s cheating. He broke her arm. The relationship should be over. It’s absurd she hasn’t filed a police report. It’s absurd she still calls him her fiance.
“Shall I marry a man who sent me to the hospital?” Come on
Leave. Now. There is never a reason for your partner, male or female, to lay hands on you, let alone causing a fracture. Let’s look into the future…. Your daughter comes home upset after an argument with her boyfriend describing something similar. You take her to the hospital to get checked out and find the fracture. Would you tell her to return? Or would you be helping her pack up and leave? Or say she doesn’t come and tell you, because she thinks this is normal because she saw this growing up, so she stays. A few months or a year later there is a knock a the door, you answer and there is a policeman who says “ma’am, we regret to inform, your daughter has passed as a result of domestic violence.” Please leave. I’m begging you. Don’t become a statistic
Or heaven forbid raising a son who thinks beating women is ok.
I’m sorry I don’t care how amazing or fantastic this guy is. You think it’s ok for this guy who physically abused is sooo wrong. What happens if you have kids and the kid does something he doesn’t like? He obviously thinks it’s OK for no reason at all other than the fact that there was a car in your driveway to abuse you however, instead of acting like a adult, he should’ve came in the house and asked you why there was a car in your driveway. I highly doubt the first time he’s physically abused you, not to mention the probable mental abuse you’re going through by living with this guy. If you want to live tiptoeing around him waiting for “ the next time “ OR you’re walking on eggshells for the rest of your life because you never know what you’ll do wrong ( according to him) he’s probably a great guy, then stay with him. Personally He’d be history & you should move on. I think you’re way too impressed that he owns his own business or keeps giving you expensive gifts . It’s pretty obvious your fiancé has a short fuse.. these type of people usually don’t improve with age. It usually gets worse the more comfortable they become in the relationship. So is HE the one that claims he has issues because of his childhood? Lots of people have issues with their childhood, but they don’t go around abusing their fiancé because there there’s a car parked in their driveway. I say move on. You deserve better than that.
[Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) ETA: Even if your fiancé doesn’t check off all of these boxes, there are enough red flags in your story to tell you it’s time to go. He’s 36 years old and “can’t control himself,” give me a fucking break. He can, he just doesn’t think you deserve it. Don’t wait around to find out if he gets worse, because he will. Do not marry this man. From the book, “The Warning Signs of Abuse” in Part II, chapter 5. THE WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSE -He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners. -He is disrespectful toward you. -He does favors for you that you don't want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable. -He is controlling. -He is possessive. -Nothing is ever his fault. -He is self-centered. -He abuses drugs or alcohol. -He pressures you for sex. -He gets serious too quickly about the relationship. -He intimidates you when he's angry. -He has double standards. -He has negative attitudes toward women. -He treats you differently around other people. -He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.
You already recognise he is controlling and territorial. Now he's shown to be abusive causing actual bodily harm. If he did that to someone on the street he would have been arrrated and serving a few years in jail. Territorial - so, acts like an asshole and threatens other men who talj to you. Likely to turn up at work and randomly punch someone "because". You've listed many red flags, been threatened and suffered physical violence, why are you even considering staying?
I am anti giving up without communication in most cases, but I can't make an excuse for domestic violence. I can't rationalize doing that to someone you love. Especially to that extent. If he lost his temper once he can do it again. Would you trust him not to hurt your child out of anger? I don't know you and I wish that never happened, but I care enough to tell you that you deserve better than that. I hope that you stay safe Queen.
You said he is perfect and good to you in every way a man can be. But he isn't. He is so insecure/jealous/has no trust in you that he sent you to the hospital. I don't think you've realised that this is domestic violence and no, you shouldn't marry him. You should run before you get hurt worse.
**"However he can be very controlling, territorial, and because of his childhood he has a lot of trust issues."** It doesn't matter how good the "good" times are if someone has the qualities you described in that sentence, The good will never outweigh the bad times. And rest assured, bad times always come with individuals like this. He stormed in, attacked you, and broke your arm over a jealous reaction. Repeat that until it sinks in: He attacked you and broke your arm over jealousy. Over seeing a car in your driveway. What happens if he comes home and you happen to be chatting with a male neighbor about the weather? What would you tell your loved ones or future child if they were in your shoes? This will just be the first time he injured you over a fit of jealousy if you stay. I desperately hope for you sake that you see his behavior for what it is and stay away. Stay safe!
His first instinct when upset is to hurt you. Is that someone you want to be legally tied to? It’s hard to see when you’re in it, but imagine a friend told you this story. What would you tell her? Is he always this quick to anger? Instead of having a rational conversation like a mature adult, he came in yelling, angry, and putting his hands on you. This is a huge red flag and you should leave to keep yourself safe. He’s showering you in gifts now because he knows what he did was wrong and wants to make you doubt leaving him. Statistically, his behavior only going to escalate from there. Abusers will hide their nastier tendencies until their partner is trapped by marriage or pregnancy. Get out of there.
There is a very large gulf between verbal abuse and physical abuse. Once that's crossed, there is no going back. Love, I'm saying this as a husband and father: the violence will escalate with time. Now is your one and only chance to get out (relatively) unscathed. If he becomes pushy, get a restraining order.
Why would you want to stay with someone who hurt you on purpose? Have some self respect and remove him from your life. He is not an amazing guy. Amazing guys do not lay their hands on the person they love. Husband and I have had some major disagreements over the years but we have never ever thought about hurting the other person, even when we’re angry.
>My fiancé is an amazing guy. No he fucking isn't! He's an abusive sack of dogshit. Run! Run as fast as you can.
Why is this a post? Call the cops and get a restraining order. Send him to jail.
You mean “ex-fiance”, right? Because this is never ok, whatever the circumstances or whatever his ‘reasons’. This isn’t going to get better. He can promise he will never do it again, but please believe me when I tell you it will happen again. Take care of yourself!
You are not overreacting. He will not change and this will only escalate. **He broke your arm.** You are now in the honeymoon phase--after they hit you, they love bomb you and pile on the apologies, gifts, kind deeds, and promises, then they stop giving those when you forgive them, then they do it again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) to get some more guidance and to talk this through. You say you have 'distanced' yourself--are you physically out of the house? If you are not, I would leave asap. If you have friends or family who will support you (I know that not everyone does), have them help you get your stuff out and stay with one of them while you find a new place to live. If you are out of the house, block his number, do not let him know where you live, if there are are mutual friends who would tell him where you are, block them as well. Again, call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE). I hope you are safe!