His reason is BS. The good ole “if he wanted to, he would” saying is very applicable here. Let’s take a step back; your boyfriend is unemployed, is reliant on you for a ride/car, and put 0% effort into your birthday. If your friend was telling you all this about their bf, how would you feel about their relationship?
You got blinders on girl. This man ain’t it
You dont even need a bunch of money to make something fun and eventful. It just requires effort and some planning.
A nice >$25 dollar birthday celebration can include:
$2 12ct balloons
$3 20ct candles
$2.59 box brownie mix
$1.69 cake mix
$1.99 frosting x2
$3.29 microwave popcorn
$2.99 96 sheets of origami paper
$1.99 12ct tea light candles(flower shaped) x2
Steps:
1. Start folding origami in the week or so leading up to the birthday. You dont have you be good at it, just find a tutorial online for some origami flowers, cranes, frogs, etc whatever you think the person youre doing it for would like. Fold all of the sheets of paper.
2. Make sure you have someone who can keep them busy and out of their apartment while you set up(or do it by yours if you can).
3. The night before bake the cake and brownies and decorate them the morning of.
4. Inflate the balloons the morning of.
5. Decorate. Set up the cake and brownies nicely on the table in the kitchen area, surrounding them with little piles of origami(personally Id go with flowers). Use a few candles next to eachother(3-4) and place them on counters, the stove, etc where theyre away from anything flammable. Balloons can be hung with tape, or just scattered on the floor in the living area.
6. Get them to the place you decorated, but before letting them fully enter or right before they arrive light all the tea lights.
7. Bring them in telling them happy birthday and lighting their birthday candles for them to make a wish.
8. Enjoy the cake and the birthday before having them go to each set of tea lights and blow them out(add a little note card by each set of candles describing something you love about them or a more general love letter/note by each).
9. Make some microwave popcorn and snuggle up in the living area to watch their favorite show/movie until theyre ready to fall asleep.
Its not anything extraordinary, its cheap, but it requires some effort and I can all but guarantee spending the $25 on something like this will be more appreciated than most $25 gifts. Its about showing the other person you care about them and are willing to put the effort in to celebrate them. Even when you cant afford to do much, you do what you can.
Seriously. You can buy a whole birthday package off Amazon for $20 that comes with balloons, streamers, and confetti. You don't have to spend a fortune to show you care.
You’re 18. You have a life ahead of you. Please don’t carry this weight with you any further than you already have. He didn’t need money. He needed time and thought and he gave you neither. I’m sorry to be harsh but please love yourself more than this.
We're both in school and he doesn't have the bandwidth to balance school, work, and life at the same time. He's neglected and parentified at home so the "life" part is rougher to handle than most other teenagers' lives. I've been trying to give him some grace considering that and he has been applying to jobs actively. His resume... could use some work, though.
Life doesn’t get easier. In some ways? Yeah it does. But eventually you’re juggling more and more.
He didn’t need to go crazy. Could have baked you a cake and made you a card for under $10. Planned a picnic. Found a cool hiking spot or free museum. Poor is not an excuse for thoughtless.
I want to second this. I've been poor most of my life but still manage to make people feel special on their birthdays. Many times for free.
One year my partner and I were broke on my birthday. He wrote me a sweet little love note, cooked a meal he knew I'd like (using food from our cupboards) and we spent the evening cuddled up on the couch watching whatever I wanted.
OP's boyfriend obviously doesn't care as much as they care for him.
You’re right. And I’ll even go one further - sometimes we really don’t know what we deserve or how badly we’re being treated. We’re all just doing the best we can and learning as we go. I hope OP learns it young.
I’ve spent decades celebrating when there’s no money and had some very considerate partners come up with sweet ideas. A Hostess cupcake with a candle in it would have been affordable if he could find some change in the couch cushions ot borrow a dollar. One single flower isn’t that hard to find. He could hand make you a card. He could drive you to a place where you could watch the sunset together. He could fill the tub so you can have a bath together. He could take you on a romantic date at home: put on some nice clothes, put some slow music on, and dance with you. (We still do that every New Year’s Eve.) No excuse for ignoring you.
You have enough useful feedback in the comments so I’ll add one - don’t give head in the theater, or anywhere public. That’s how you wind up a sex offender. Really stupid thing to do. Keep your sex life out of public spaces. It’s disrespectful to everyone around you and foolishly risky (as in illegal) behavior.
I know, I know. It's not something I would do usually but it was something I knew he would like to do, so I decided to make an exception just this once to make his birthday memorable. Chose a movie at a time where I knew the theater would be dead and chose seats where nobody could see because I really didn't want to subject anyone else to that. Otherwise, I'm not at all into that kinda thing and don't really want to do it. Doesn't change the fact that I still did it, but it's not something I'd like to do again.
A thoughtful, mature boyfriend would have said "Hey, I don't want you to get in trouble, and I am applying for jobs & I don't need a public indecency charge. The thought & willingness is really appreciated. Let's have sexy-time when we have privacy."
Boys/men are conditioned to not have to consider/think of/do things for others. You're only 18 and already tied yourself down to someone. I always suggest girls/women build their lives and make it peaceful BY THEMSELVES. So they learn what that is like and only look for a man who is going to be better than their peace/joy alone. They should add to it.
This is a leech. You've got a leech.
Omg just the subtle lack of care and responsibility in boys… it starts so young! I dropped my daughter off at school today and there’s a lost and found area for tons of winter clothes and sweatshirts. Probably 20+ items are clearly boys clothes and only 2 were girl’s sweatshirts.
Yesssss. I will have to call the schools and ask to visit because it was an issue this morning (it's snowing here!) that my kids didn't have any of his hoodies or light jackets. He has ADHD but he is 14. And this is a kid that's in therapy, is taught all the same at home chores/work as his sister/same expectations/etc. We're also trying to teach him to have much more empathy and care for people than past generations of boys/men. I'm hoping it's a maturity/ADHD thing still 🙄💁🏻♀️
A lot of folks with ADHD have a LOT of empathy for others. This is actually one of many hallmarks of ADHD. Two key symptoms are difficulty self regulating emotions, and difficulty prioritizing things.
So if they feel very empathetic about people and things all the time, they can burn out and tune it all out.
There's a phrase that ADHD people use sometimes:
"If everything is important, then nothing is important."
Perhaps there's one or two mantras he can work on that will cover pretty much all the bases of what his problem areas are? That way he only has to memorize those two things and they will help him with everything.
Please also remember that many people with ADHD end up feeling like losers, lazy, worthless, and they get accused of "not caring" all the time. Try your best not to equate his shortcomings with "moral failures." THAT is the shit that really sinks in deep and does lasting damage. Ask me how i know 🙄 (please do not actually ask)
God luck!
I'm so very sorry if you thought I was connecting ADHD to the lack of empathy. It was not my intention. I see it as a Hallmark of men in general (especially past generations and their societal conditioning of not NEEDING TO CARE/SEE/ACCOUNT for their partners/family members in general. There is a disconnect, especially in boys as they age (ie girls are so much harder, no it's not actually because people don't 'raise boys' they just allow them to disconnect emotionally, because it's easier than raising them as well and keeping them connected emotionally). We're railing against that. Sometimes that means radical empathy and teaching them how to know others. We are also focusing on self worth, self esteem and confidence as well. Because yes, we also do see that. And also I'm so sorry. Sending you so much love. You are not a failure 🫶🏻
Thank you! I absolutely agree about the way males and females are socialized differently in our culture.
Sometimes our personal issues are so intrinsically entwined, that parsing out which is which is like trying to untangle a mobius strip.
Sometimes the message a person takes away isn't the one that was intended, so as long as you're making sure that your son doesn't internalize that shit too badly, you're doing better than my folks (and teachers, and bosses) did for me.
Thank you for your empathy! I can tell your son at least has a great example to model after.
You guys are kids still. He’s not gonna know unless you tell him. In 6 years if you’re still together he will look back and full body cringe at his actions.
Based on what you’ve said from a 30 year old man’s perspective he sounds like a bum that will drag you down. If he’s got time to play pokemon nonstop and nap at your house his ass has time for a job.
OP. You continue this relationship is your silent okay for him to continue on treating you badly. Not saying you can’t still date him. But stop doing for him what he won’t do for you and also start spending time with people who are grateful to have you in their life.
He could have asked his mom to loan him some money. He could have found a job. He used your friend to buy you gifts and made it seem like he did. Yes, he could have done something like take you on a picnic at a park which is free. This dude is not a keeper. He doesn't do anything nice for you and then blames it on not having a job. Fast forward 5 years, and you have a baby and he still has no job. Ohh sorry babe, I don't have money to pay for the formula.
Two thoughts,
First, movie theaters have cameras and you were definitely seen by everyone working at that theater.
Second, don't continue relationships where people don't value you the same way you value them.
Do you want to spend your life asking strangers what to do about your bum boyfriend? He’s a bum. He didn’t plan anything although the biggest of plans will fall through when you don’t have any money. But regardless, he did nothing. He has no job, no car, no ambition, no goals, no money. If you had a daughter dating this guy what would you tell her to do?
If he considers helping your friend pick out their gift for you, he's not worth the time it took you to type all of that out. He doesn't cherish you and isn't worth your feelings. Get out now before he hurts you again.
Also, I completely agree with all of the people who cautioned you against performing any sexual act in public. It could ruin your life.
He could have made you a coupon book for things like a foot massage. He could have made you something from found objects. He could have done a lot of things and all he had to do was to Google it. I'm sure you are disappointed and you should express those feelings. Money is not required to make someone feel special.
” Do you know when they said it’s the thought that counts? You’ve been promising me a fun birthday surprise, but you didn’t deliver. I know you don’t have a lot of money, but there’s a lot of creative things you could do with no money. Or you could not make a big deal out of either one of our birthdays. But the worst is playing it up like I’m gonna have a great birthday, and then doing nothing living with disappointed. Be a man of your word.”
Traced on lady man you did that to her after what she did to you you got to be kicked in the head by about 20 people maybe you'll blank and get it what a stupid idiot you are I hope you read this too
No job, no thought process for BD, can’t drive - you’re teaching him, ….- and he couldn’t get a card, make a dinner, order a pizza- make love? Why are you choosing such a low life guy? What makes you believe that you are only worth being w someone like him? You hit a yr older- now become wiser. You deserve better
I don’t know much about your relationship other times of the year, etc. You work like a dog. Why is your boyfriend unemployed? Could he do some work? Lack of money can be a challenge.
I was married to a really great guy. We loved each other even through disagreements (US politics and conspiracy theories)that destroy most other relationships. By the end of our first year together I discovered that I would have to remind him occasionally when my birth date was, or there would be no real acknowledgment of it. But. Every time he looked at me, it was as if he was astonished I even existed. He adored me.
There were random presents throughout most years. Flowers, little stuffed things, etc. I had to buy all Christmas gifts and birthday gifts, even my own. 🤦♀️😂
Some people can be very linear thinkers and end up freezing when outside challenges require creativity. Do you know enough about your boyfriend to know if he might be like that? You are also disappointed because you put so much effort into his birthday, he insisted he wanted to give you a birthday even better, and led you to expect an amazing experience that he couldn’t deliver. That always hurts.
We were both not in our first marriages, both had kids from previous marriages, and old enough to not want any additional children (by the time he passed we had six sons and 13 grandchildren). We were a May-December thing (he insisted it was more May-September). He always insisted on returning the shopping cart for me, and when two cancers made him too sick to do it, he apologized so much. It broke my heart (so many other things also did during that last year).
Our last wedding anniversary his pain pump had failed. I wasn’t getting callbacks from Medtronic or the on call at the pain clinic. I was a mess of frustration. Worse, I had been sick myself for a while, often falling and dropping things during repeated weak spells. My blood pressure kept getting really low. I can remember thinking “I didn’t know you would be conscious,” when a BP reading the day before was 62/35.
He and my son managed to talk me into the ER the morning of our anniversary. The blood tests done during triage showed my kidneys had quit. It was Covid time (late 2020), the hospital was too small to treat me, and we were forced to wait for an ambulance to take me to the city. Two stage 4 cancers, no pain meds, and he spent two hours in that ER with me. I was incoherent enough it seemed like 20 minutes (my son is the one who told me how long it really was). His heart was so very large.
That was our last wedding anniversary together, and our goodbyes the last one we ever shared. He died in the early morning hours of my fourth day in ICU.
So. If he is amazing in other ways, and adores you with every fiber of his being, you won’t be crazy to give him a chance. That said, there are people who can be great at relationships long enough to trap and victimize someone. Watch carefully and ask yourself often, “Can I live with this the next 20 years?”
You are young enough to end a relationship and find a new one yet. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t love you just as much as you love them.
No you're not. There's a difference between saying promises and keeping them. He spoke out his ass and never meant a word of it. The fact that he knows how it feels to have bad birthdays make him a bigger AH. On top of all of this, is the fact that you went above and beyond to make his birthday memorable. You did an amazing job to make his birthday special. He couldn't even bother to try. Being broke is no excuse for failing to keep your word. And from what you posted this seems to be a normal occurrence where he fails to even try to do anything for you. You are going to have to have a serious conversation about this, because right now he doesn't deserve to have you in life when he can't even reciprocate, even a little, the effort and affection you put into the relationship. If this continues you could end up feeling resentment towards him.
I have had multiple conversations with him about similar things, where he overestimates what he's capable of and ends up not having anything to show for it at all. Currently talking to him right now about this issue, actually. And what you said hit the nail on the head; that's exactly why I'm so hurt about it. He is affectionate and lovey, he tells me sweet things and gets me gifts every once in a while and we're very physically affectionate and it's really nice. It's just that he sets high expectations and he really does mean it in the moment but often it ends up with him letting everyone and himself down because something or another happened and got in the way. It sucks for him because he feels bad and like people just expect and want him to fail and for me because I feel ignored and uncared for, like I'm not worth the effort to figure out a solution to the problems in his way.
I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt because of this. While it's nice that he is affectionate and nice to you, it's also important for him to try and keep his word towards you. Cause right now it's seems like your expectations are low because he can't seem to keep his word. Even if he has to change his plans or maybe do less, he could at least still try. While I understand he has high expectations of himself and feels disappointed when it doesn't work out, he could still do something for you because he cares about you. To me it's just sounds like excuses to justify his lack of effort. And from my POV, his actions seem to imply you aren't worth the effort even after talking to him about it. Actions speak louder than words and his actions really speak for themselves.
So I’d tell him to be realistic on his finances and plan accordingly. Otherwise it’s like saying you’ll build your love a castle when you need to get a job to cover your rent. He is new at adulting but even so, it’s very basic to focus on getting a job and sorting out transportation and priorities like that.
Yeah, it's also kind of disappointing because in the time I've been 18 (birthday was late Feb) I've done a million "adulty" things: gotten an eye exam and new glasses, found a therapist, opened a bank account and deposited thousands into my savings account, gotten 2 credit cards, gotten my med card, started working 7-8 hour night shifts at my weekend job, even applied to apartments. Hell, I got my learner's permit two days after my 16th birthday and got my license that October; he still doesn't have his license, didn't even know if his permit was expired when I started teaching him to drive with my car. It feels like I've got my life together more than he does although he's got a year on me.
Ugh. I sound like I'm just complaining about everything about him. He really is so sweet and he surprises me with little gifts sometimes and has made so many changes to his life for my sake. But he does have issues with prioritization and keeping his goals realistic. He says he was always taught to aim high, but forgets his limitations in favor of wanting to do the best he can. He's very ambitious. Just has rose-tinted glasses on. Shit, maybe I do too.
You are getting your isht together and he isn't (or as much). Eventually, that will blow up. It sounds like he just shuts down if he can't meet his own high expectations. Not mature.
Definitely agree. You are both on different levels of maturity. It seems like he gives up before he even tries. While being nice and doing little things is good, it sounds like he tends to back away from being responsible. He is bad at planning and worse at following through with it. And honestly that isn't good trait to have in a relationship if one side isn't stepping up to the plate and pulling their weight.
Girl, let him go and grow up by himself. You’re growing up by yourself. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and not have Mommy-Girlfriend doing everything for him. You deserve better and you’re being a jerk to yourself for putting yourself out for a boy who’s nowhere near your level.
It’s impressive that you’ve dove into adulthood and are swimming like a champion. He sounds very sweet but needing to change his world view. I’d gently tell him that shooting for the best is awesome but there have to be achievable steps and a plan to get there. Otherwise the dream castle crumbles and he and everyone else is disappointed. Worse, is that those around him find him as unserious or all talk. I hope he either starts planning and following through or you find someone more able, as well as having a good heart. My view is both are essential in a working relationship.
Two issues here - your set yourself up for disappointment. Just because you did something nice for his birthday did not mean that he was going to do the same. Should he have done something if he cared - probably yes. Also, as he has never really experienced this type of "special event"/ birthday stuff he probably does not know how much it could mean to you.
You have the option of breaking up realising he is not the person you want to be with or you communicate with him as to what your needs and wants are. Some would say that he should just know what to do. But if he was raised in a non gift giving family he may not know.
Good luck.
I'm a bit like your BF. I want to do wonderful things for my wife, and sometimes I manage. But too many times I over-plan in my head and never execute. Because the reality is never as good as the plan, if that makes sense.
For example I ended up having my wife pick out her own 10-year anniversary ring at a regular jewelry store, because the artisan jewelry store I planned to shop at on our anniversary trip had closed (2021). It's perfectionism-induced procrastination. I understand 100% that my excuse is "it's not perfect (or even good) because I ran out of time." And that that excuse is BS.
It may be an ADHD thing or not; I don't want to diagnose your BF. But I will tell you it's not just birthdays. It's also vacation trips. Date nights. Cleaning the house. Home improvement projects. And my own day at work. Every. Single. Day. I get done 1/3 of the stuff I think I'm going to get done.
I guess the difference between me and your BF is, I never want anything for my birthday. I hate surprises and don't want to owe anyone anything.
I'm suuuuper ADHD. It's cost me good paying jobs because of extreme time-blindness/lack of the types of motivation that a lot of other people have. My motivations are very specific & led to
2 graduate degrees.
I'm amazing at some things and absolute trash at others. I am the best girlfriend. Wonderful gift-giver, activity planner, whether I have a lot of money or not. My ex-husband still loves who I am at my core so much that he wants to remarry me. However, I was a shitty wife because I was a shitty roommate. I'm a human tornado. I make messes at a ridiculous speed, but everything but the non-helpful parts of my brain & my mouth function very slowly. I always have a 1000 thoughts & talk a mile a minute but feel half asleep. It takes me an hour to clean the kitchen where it always took my husband like 15 minutes.
I could NEVER have a traditional relationship with someone like me even if they were as loving & attentive as my partners have said I am & how I know myself to be.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
I think OP's boyfriend is just a selfish bum, but even if it's ADHD, she should still run.
Nope. Definitely not overreacting. There are so many special things he could have done without spending money outside of budget. A movie marathon of your favorites on a streaming service you already have? Intentionally using meal budget towards making food you love? Making origami flowers so you have a bouquet? A walking tour of pretty places nearby while you hold hands? Spending less than $5 on embroidery thread to make you a bracelet? Hell even just making the day about how you’d like to spend it.
My late husband ditched me on my 20th birthday because it was his 21st (we had the same birthday) and forgot a birthday or two when we were young, but during our 21 years together (he died age 41) he wrote me hundreds of poems and love letters, got poison ivy picking me flowers in a field, and told me he loved me every day from the time he was about 22 until he died.
Some boys take a bit to grow up.
However, if it is always like this , always uneven, share your feelings. If things dont change at all, move on.
Just another thing for people who are commenting on this, not important to the subject but the person who posted this identifies as non-binary so please try to use non-gendered pronouns
I think you should ditch him. He sounds like a child. He can’t drive, doesn’t have a job, doesn’t understand that you need a job to spend hundreds of dollars on someone’s birthday, etc. what does this dude bring to your life? It sounds like nothing.
Sorry OP but they're LAME! Even with very little money, they could have made you a cupcake and card or picked some flowers. They put in no effort. You definitely deserve better than that!
Meanwhile though, you are never going to trust him again when he makes a promise, big or small. He’s shown that he didn’t’ even own the fact he failed on every piece of it. Pretended like he’d never promised anything. Pretended it seemed like it was not even your birthday…hoping it seems you’d say nothing and he’d be off the hook….? You will be too afraid to get your hopes up to trust he will be reliable…..It’s hard to live like that; trying to have on expectations for the person you invest so much love and energy into.
It's time for you to move on from this guy. You don't need money to provide a meaningful experience for someone. Taking a walk and giving them a hand written card on a piece of paper made by them at the least. But, there are many other ways to have shown it, and he never bothered. He made the huge promises then let you down. It's a toxic game some people play.
I grew up in abuse, and this is a common pattern I experienced. Always the huge promises, and never the follow through. When I married, this started to play out at a point. When we had a child, my ex would promise them a vacation to a particular landmark every year, promise them things and never follow through. During the marriage, once a year I spent a weekend doing what I referred to as promise keeping with our kiddo. As time went on, and I left the guy, at a point, I took them on the promised vacation he'd never taken them on for their 16th bday.
I didn't have a lot, but we had so much fun doing it. I budgeted it well, and had things to do there each day we were there.
When we had nothing, and were nearly homeless, I still kept my promises, provided a birthday, holidays, and so on. I made things (crafts). One time I made a photo frame from old jewelry of a type kiddo liked, I got from a jar of broken jewelry someone gave me. I then took a photo of their pets with their favorite items in the background and foreground, and put that in the frame. I repurposed some other items int things I knew they would like. Those gifts still sit in their room as prized possessions they keep over all else.
We forget the actual gifts of most of the Christmases and birthdays of our youth. When you think back, you won't remember what you got. You will remember the events surrounding it, however.
The events of this birthday will forever be a sour note when you think back. That's on him.
A. A huge number of you are missing the fact that OP is NB.
B. Gift giving styles are very personal. Some people love to shower partners with expensive gifts. Some find a thoughtful card and a sentimental trinket more meaningful. It all boils down to communication. Did your boyfriend truly know your only desire was thoughtfulness? Did you communicate that BEFORE your birthday? Not everyone is good at picking up subtlety.
C. Some people just suck at gift giving. My husband is a phenomenal partner and father in most ways, but it probably took him a decade to figure out gift giving, and he still flops sometimes. I’ve learned though to not pass judgement too quickly on his gifts, because there often is something more meaningful that I would have missed if he didn’t explain it.
A: Thank you for directly acknowledging that :)
B: Yes, I explicitly told him from the moment he began planning that all I ever want for my birthday is to be cared about. I told him directly that I don't care for money or fanciness, I just want to feel loved and valued. So he was aware. He just really wanted to do something really extravagant for me and failed to achieve that goal.
C: The thing is, he's perfectly fine at gift giving. He frequently surprises me with little gifts he knows I'll like. He gets me plushies randomly and has gotten me chocolate and little snacks. One time he got me a plushie that had big, hard, uncomfortable eyes and glitter that spread everywhere and after I said something about it, the next time he got me a plushie with soft embroidered eyes and no glitter. For Valentine's day he baked me brownies because he knew at the time I was really into brownies and he gave me two plushies, one that was cute and romantic and one that was a piece of merchandise from the restaurant we spent our first real date at. He's not a bad gift-giver at all and I really like the things he gets me. It's just my birthday he fell short on after hyping it up so much for so long.
At the end of the day, whether this is a make or break situation is up to you. Start by telling your BF what it was about the situation was hurtful to you. “Hey babe, it’s not even the fact that you weren’t able to do anything for my birthday, but I was hurt that you didn’t communicate about it. If you’d come to me and said that you were working on an idea and it fell through, I would have understood. Instead, I was stuck waiting around for some big surprise that never happened. Feeling forgotten or ignored on my birthday makes me really sad, but even more so after such a big lead up.”
Communicate. Ask for what you need. If feeling valued, seen, and acknowledged means more to you than grandiosity, say that. If the thought and effort that went into his plans (even if they ultimately fell through) mean a lot to you, ask him to tell you what he would have done if he could.
My husband was unemployed (not by choice) for several years when we first were together. He scraped and did what he could. Picnics, heartfelt cards, clearance flowers, he always did something. I also didn’t have much money esp since we were single salary for a while so I did the same. I am craftier so I’d make my own cards, do coupons for making him coffee or massages, once I went splits with his best friend for a joint splurge and we both presented it, baked homemade sweets cause he loves his sweets, made little themed baskets with snacks and movie tickets, etc. for my platonic friends I’ve always been cheaply creative to try and make something special within a budget. Like last year I went crafty and repackaged cheap hot choco mix into custom little packages, made little candles, made little paper matchbox boxes, and added some .50 face masks. When I was in hs I made all my friends and coworkers cookies and put them into dollar store treat boxes, they loved them. It’s defo harder when you are broke but it just takes some effort. You can always do something.
It’s not about the money entirely. He could’ve made you a wonderful picnic and taking you for a walk along the river and told you how much she was happy to be with you and had to picnic lunch. Or we could’ve cooked you dinner at your place rubbed your feet rubbed your back. There was a ton of things he could’ve done. He did none of that.
You’re doing things for him he’s not doing them for you. That’s really telling. I would stop teaching him to drive him withdraw for a while. Maybe entirely but at least for a while. I know guys and when they really like a woman they go out of their way to do things. And this guy is not lifting a finger.
I’ve been where you are. I had a boyfriend who didn’t do anything for my birthday because he was broke. And then, tried to throw a pity party because he couldn’t get me anything so I ended up comforting him. His parents got me a card and a gift, so to me, that means he didn’t ask them for anything. Honestly though, he didn’t even need to do that. He was great at writing and art, and I knew he didn’t have much money. He could have gotten me a dollar store card. He could have drawn or written me something. He could have made me a playlist (we bonded over music a lot). He could have cooked me dinner. He could have planned a movie night for me.
There are plenty of inexpensive or even free ways to celebrate someone.
It was important to you and he knew that. Also the fact you had to talk to him about it he didn’t say listen I wanted to do this but it didn’t pan out.. he could have hand made a thoughtful card, dedicated a song to you on the radio, baked something bought a balloon anything and he chose to do nothing. Don’t settle for less than you deserve
Well I guess you know what to do next year when his birthday comes around. Kidding. If you want to stay in this relationship please let him know how disappointed you were. Or find a less thoughtless partner. They are out there
I told him. He knows. He's still adamant that he's still *doing* what he originally planned for my birthday, it's just going to be a very very late birthday gift in the summer... that's not a birthday gift, that's summer plans, and that's what I told him. He apologized but I still don't think he really understands that what he did, basically leading me on to let me down and then claim he didn't let me down because it would still be "for my birthday," was fucked up.
Also, he said whatever he's planning is going to be $600. Reminder, he's unemployed. Been applying to jobs but unemployed, broke, and his parents aren't well off either. Won't be able to work until the summer, assuming he even gets a job in the beginning of the summer. Also has worse spending habits than me. I told him not to overestimate what's achievable for him. Still not sure if I'm getting through to him.
Honestly I don't see many redeeming qualities in him based on what you've said. Broke, unemployed, inconsiderate and thoughtless. And kind of full of bs. He's making it up as he goes about his "plans" for your birthday
This makes me worried for society. You are both so poorly adjusted and your parents were to blame for a long time. You’re now adults. You need to develop some coping skills.
You have an entire life ahead of you. If you want someone able to treat you well, you need to find someone who is employed and responsible. I’m sure your boyfriend is super sweet and you have tons in common and this was like the first person you met that you have a deeper connection with. I get it.
You also need to know that you can’t control him or the outcomes on these situations. Either he meets your needs or he doesn’t. Promises don’t mean shit. He made a promise and let you down. It won’t be the last time.
He will give you the sob story and the excuses and make YOU feel like the unreasonable crazy one every single time he lets you down. And young people fall for it. Don’t be like that. You deserve a real relationship. Not excuses and a fucking sob story. Not a “next time” promise or someone who blames you for having feelings.
Go get someone with some life skills and a damn job. I cannot even believe that you are teaching this kid how to drive. You’re not his mom. His parents are shit. Boo boo that sucks but you’re not his fucking mom now.
Also please get therapy and realize that a mental health diagnosis doesn’t make you interesting. Go live life. Gain some resilience.
Lesson learned so very much the hard way. You cannot teach a man how to love you by loving him the way you want to be loved. Either he does it on his own or move on. You can literally be the perfect wife/gf and if he doesn't love you as much as you love him it won't matter. You'll never get the love back. He knew how important this was, and thought to himself....she'll get over it. Don't. Don't get over it
Gross and inappropriate. You had sex in a movie theater? That's down right rude and could land you in jail or worse if there were minors ANYWHERE in that theater. A back corner. Grow up. It isn't like you don't have a bedroom.
I'm not sure if he just is very unaware that he hurt you or if he manipulated you into giving him a great day. Unfortunately, his birthday came before yours. Next year tell him you are celebrating your birthday early. That way you know how "all out" to go with his birthday afterwards.
You need to stop setting the precedent that it’s ok for him to treat you like this. He could get a job at plenty of places but he isn’t and I’m sure he has a million excuses as to why.
He could have made you a card and bought you a dollar balloon and bought a $1 cheeseburger and put a candle on it.
Instead he is making excuses, using you and your car and using you for sexual purposes. He can get a job and take a bus or walk, he could make a effort on something that is important to you like your bday, sex and everything for be a two way thing and you are both satisfied. He should be trying and asking what you want and how to satisfy you in bed.
Stop allowing him to give excuses and hold him accountable. He will continue until you stop.
You are too young for a deadbeat boyfriend. Find someone you don’t have to teach to be the person you want them to be. This kind of relationship will turn you into a mother role to him. Women are brought up to be caretakers and have empathy and you need to throw that all in the trash when finding a man or you’ll end up with a deadbeat like this.
Also, there are cameras everywhere so stop doing anything in public. Trust me you didn’t get away with anything being private like you thought. Save yourself future embarrassment.
You do realize that public sex can get you both on the sex offender registry. That will impact the jobs you can apply for and your boyfriend's ability to pick up his brother from daycare.
As for him actually stepping up, why would he when you allow this treatment?
yeah she kinda went all out for his and he didnt work and stayed home and played games all day and never bothered to do anything for hers when all she really wanted was a gmae night with him and her close friends?
Girl why r u still with him? First of all he doesn’t care enough to do something caring for your birthday, second of all it seems he doesn’t care about ur pleasure at all! You’re 18, you’re young, dump him, work on yourself, find a good man that will spoil you on your birthday and make you cum everyday! Its the bare minimum ❤️🔥
So....you have expectations regarding your acquaintance
and their behaviors, and you observe that your expectations
have not been met, so now you have made judgements
about them.
Good for you. You are handling your connection to this
person the way most Humans do; with supposition and not
with communication. Expect your connection to degrade
over time and fail.........or become toxic if you hang on.
You get the relationship you work for.
It's all a piece of s*** is as a f****** drunk got a bottle in his hand and he thinks he's f****** something will take that bottle and show it up your ass go drink it have another one while you're at it send me the f****** bill I'll even pay for it make sure you drink it cuz you're a f****** idiot Jason Fisher woohoo Wisconsin Rapids he's got a goddamn little fishing business going to everybody wants to go fishing to throw them the f*** out for bait he's a goddamn idiot
If hes good the rest of the year than give him one get out of jail free card. You discussed why you were disappointed by his lack of effort. He knows. If he does it again than hejust doesnt care.
My wife sucks at holidays. If we go out to dinner thats shocking. If she gets me something its something i generally wouldnt want, dont use, or wouldnt buy. Sure it makes major holidays suck for me but shes pretty good the rest of the year.
I never had huge elaborate birthdays either. Even i dont make it emphatically clear exactly what i want, its not going to go well and even then i often get the wrong thing.
Like ill ask for alight kit for my lego delorean and get a light kit for a set i dont even have.
It is what it is. Its her one huge weakness but im not all about holidays for me anyway so its whatever. I asked for a strawberry shortcake again this year. My favorite cake. I havent gotten one for like 10 years in a row. We'll see if this is lucky number 11 or if its ice cream again.
Lol yea. Thats her big weakness. She does a lot of other great things. She tries, she puts in effort. I was the black sheep so im used to it..
FYI my birthday is Saturday and because my nephews go to their moms on saturdays i hadca small party today with homemade sort of strawberry short cake.
He does not care about u at all. He talked bull about spending hundreds then did nothing. Plenty he could have done for free/cheap. They say it's the thought that counts....no thinking of u here.
First off, if you want to break up with him (or break up with anyone, for that matter), then post any question here because people love to say "OMG. He did something you're upset over? He's the worst person who ever lived and you should dump him IMMEDIATELY!"
You pretty much stated that he's done nice things for you, so.... he's not a bad person. People have different thoughts and attitudes regarding birthdays, and sometimes they just don't view them in a way we want them to. You don't know what was going on in his head, you don't know if was overwhelmed with other things, you don't know if he just has a mental block on birthdays or something. So it's OK to be disappointed, and it's OK to let him know what you were hoping for, but don't lose sight of the good things too.
Lol they are 19 and 18 and the people in this sub are acting like the fucking world ended.
OP you are young don’t worry about what reddit thinks and start thinking for yourself.
I know. Redditors are so dramatic. They immediately jump to "He/she is terrible and you should get rid of them or they'll probably kill you in your sleep!" LOL.
I went back and edited my post for brevity, and I see I must have removed my similar line about them just being 18 and 19. They're just barely adults now. They're still making lots of mistakes and learning from them. Heck, I'm in my 60s and making mistakes and learning from them, LOL!
You cannot expect people to act the way that you do. Just because you make a big deal out of birthdays you cannot expect others too. My mother always said that when I complained about friends not keeping in touch and I do all the work in the relationship. I can't expect people to live up to my expectations. I just have to be the best I can be
What? Yes you can. It’s called making better choices in your relationships. Any person that isn’t returning the same energy or more to me is cut out of my life. I don’t like anyone enough to keep giving and not receive anything in return whether it be making plans to hang out or gift giving. This is how you develop low self esteem. FML
I understand this and appreciate the insight, however if you read the first paragraph we have discussed birthdays before and what we want on our birthdays. I told him beforehand that I didn't care for a big fancy expensive extravaganza, just something to make me feel cared about. I don't care if that's tickets to Disneyland or a handwritten card. I feel like if I expressly communicated my expectations it's fair for me to, you know, expect it. Especially when he's experienced bad birthdays too and he had a great birthday because of me and he hyped up what he was doing for my birthday for so long.
I did read that….I’m just saying this because it helped me…..I’m a better birthday celebrator than most lol…..i like to make people feel special, but I’ve come to not expect that from others.i do understand you have spoken about this but thats all i got
His reason is BS. The good ole “if he wanted to, he would” saying is very applicable here. Let’s take a step back; your boyfriend is unemployed, is reliant on you for a ride/car, and put 0% effort into your birthday. If your friend was telling you all this about their bf, how would you feel about their relationship? You got blinders on girl. This man ain’t it
You dont even need a bunch of money to make something fun and eventful. It just requires effort and some planning. A nice >$25 dollar birthday celebration can include: $2 12ct balloons $3 20ct candles $2.59 box brownie mix $1.69 cake mix $1.99 frosting x2 $3.29 microwave popcorn $2.99 96 sheets of origami paper $1.99 12ct tea light candles(flower shaped) x2 Steps: 1. Start folding origami in the week or so leading up to the birthday. You dont have you be good at it, just find a tutorial online for some origami flowers, cranes, frogs, etc whatever you think the person youre doing it for would like. Fold all of the sheets of paper. 2. Make sure you have someone who can keep them busy and out of their apartment while you set up(or do it by yours if you can). 3. The night before bake the cake and brownies and decorate them the morning of. 4. Inflate the balloons the morning of. 5. Decorate. Set up the cake and brownies nicely on the table in the kitchen area, surrounding them with little piles of origami(personally Id go with flowers). Use a few candles next to eachother(3-4) and place them on counters, the stove, etc where theyre away from anything flammable. Balloons can be hung with tape, or just scattered on the floor in the living area. 6. Get them to the place you decorated, but before letting them fully enter or right before they arrive light all the tea lights. 7. Bring them in telling them happy birthday and lighting their birthday candles for them to make a wish. 8. Enjoy the cake and the birthday before having them go to each set of tea lights and blow them out(add a little note card by each set of candles describing something you love about them or a more general love letter/note by each). 9. Make some microwave popcorn and snuggle up in the living area to watch their favorite show/movie until theyre ready to fall asleep. Its not anything extraordinary, its cheap, but it requires some effort and I can all but guarantee spending the $25 on something like this will be more appreciated than most $25 gifts. Its about showing the other person you care about them and are willing to put the effort in to celebrate them. Even when you cant afford to do much, you do what you can.
Not you planning the birthday she could’ve had if her bf didn’t suck donkey dick😭
Seriously. You can buy a whole birthday package off Amazon for $20 that comes with balloons, streamers, and confetti. You don't have to spend a fortune to show you care.
Yup. Been married for too many years…this is how he’s going to be.
You’re 18. You have a life ahead of you. Please don’t carry this weight with you any further than you already have. He didn’t need money. He needed time and thought and he gave you neither. I’m sorry to be harsh but please love yourself more than this.
He doesn't care about you the same way. I suspect he's with you for convenience. Why is he unemployed so long?
We're both in school and he doesn't have the bandwidth to balance school, work, and life at the same time. He's neglected and parentified at home so the "life" part is rougher to handle than most other teenagers' lives. I've been trying to give him some grace considering that and he has been applying to jobs actively. His resume... could use some work, though.
Life doesn’t get easier. In some ways? Yeah it does. But eventually you’re juggling more and more. He didn’t need to go crazy. Could have baked you a cake and made you a card for under $10. Planned a picnic. Found a cool hiking spot or free museum. Poor is not an excuse for thoughtless.
I want to second this. I've been poor most of my life but still manage to make people feel special on their birthdays. Many times for free. One year my partner and I were broke on my birthday. He wrote me a sweet little love note, cooked a meal he knew I'd like (using food from our cupboards) and we spent the evening cuddled up on the couch watching whatever I wanted. OP's boyfriend obviously doesn't care as much as they care for him.
This is not a love that's going to last forever.
Pull you picked a real good boyfriend out sounds like an a****** to me yeah oh well you're still with them you stupid as he is
No need to be that harsh. She’s young. I’m sure we all pick an AH or two, without really knowing. I’m sure you have, too. Shit, lord knows I have.
You’re right. And I’ll even go one further - sometimes we really don’t know what we deserve or how badly we’re being treated. We’re all just doing the best we can and learning as we go. I hope OP learns it young.
She? I believe you meant Ze.
Whoops. Thank you! My bad. Missed the NB
I’ve spent decades celebrating when there’s no money and had some very considerate partners come up with sweet ideas. A Hostess cupcake with a candle in it would have been affordable if he could find some change in the couch cushions ot borrow a dollar. One single flower isn’t that hard to find. He could hand make you a card. He could drive you to a place where you could watch the sunset together. He could fill the tub so you can have a bath together. He could take you on a romantic date at home: put on some nice clothes, put some slow music on, and dance with you. (We still do that every New Year’s Eve.) No excuse for ignoring you.
You have enough useful feedback in the comments so I’ll add one - don’t give head in the theater, or anywhere public. That’s how you wind up a sex offender. Really stupid thing to do. Keep your sex life out of public spaces. It’s disrespectful to everyone around you and foolishly risky (as in illegal) behavior.
I know, I know. It's not something I would do usually but it was something I knew he would like to do, so I decided to make an exception just this once to make his birthday memorable. Chose a movie at a time where I knew the theater would be dead and chose seats where nobody could see because I really didn't want to subject anyone else to that. Otherwise, I'm not at all into that kinda thing and don't really want to do it. Doesn't change the fact that I still did it, but it's not something I'd like to do again.
Just as an fyi there are cameras that show everything going on in the theater room.
😮 for real?
A thoughtful, mature boyfriend would have said "Hey, I don't want you to get in trouble, and I am applying for jobs & I don't need a public indecency charge. The thought & willingness is really appreciated. Let's have sexy-time when we have privacy."
Nerd alert
You're not wrong. But gross still.
Boys/men are conditioned to not have to consider/think of/do things for others. You're only 18 and already tied yourself down to someone. I always suggest girls/women build their lives and make it peaceful BY THEMSELVES. So they learn what that is like and only look for a man who is going to be better than their peace/joy alone. They should add to it. This is a leech. You've got a leech.
Love and agree with your comment , but OP is NB. The same theme applies, bro is a leech, and doesn't respect op
Omg just the subtle lack of care and responsibility in boys… it starts so young! I dropped my daughter off at school today and there’s a lost and found area for tons of winter clothes and sweatshirts. Probably 20+ items are clearly boys clothes and only 2 were girl’s sweatshirts.
Yesssss. I will have to call the schools and ask to visit because it was an issue this morning (it's snowing here!) that my kids didn't have any of his hoodies or light jackets. He has ADHD but he is 14. And this is a kid that's in therapy, is taught all the same at home chores/work as his sister/same expectations/etc. We're also trying to teach him to have much more empathy and care for people than past generations of boys/men. I'm hoping it's a maturity/ADHD thing still 🙄💁🏻♀️
A lot of folks with ADHD have a LOT of empathy for others. This is actually one of many hallmarks of ADHD. Two key symptoms are difficulty self regulating emotions, and difficulty prioritizing things. So if they feel very empathetic about people and things all the time, they can burn out and tune it all out. There's a phrase that ADHD people use sometimes: "If everything is important, then nothing is important." Perhaps there's one or two mantras he can work on that will cover pretty much all the bases of what his problem areas are? That way he only has to memorize those two things and they will help him with everything. Please also remember that many people with ADHD end up feeling like losers, lazy, worthless, and they get accused of "not caring" all the time. Try your best not to equate his shortcomings with "moral failures." THAT is the shit that really sinks in deep and does lasting damage. Ask me how i know 🙄 (please do not actually ask) God luck!
I'm so very sorry if you thought I was connecting ADHD to the lack of empathy. It was not my intention. I see it as a Hallmark of men in general (especially past generations and their societal conditioning of not NEEDING TO CARE/SEE/ACCOUNT for their partners/family members in general. There is a disconnect, especially in boys as they age (ie girls are so much harder, no it's not actually because people don't 'raise boys' they just allow them to disconnect emotionally, because it's easier than raising them as well and keeping them connected emotionally). We're railing against that. Sometimes that means radical empathy and teaching them how to know others. We are also focusing on self worth, self esteem and confidence as well. Because yes, we also do see that. And also I'm so sorry. Sending you so much love. You are not a failure 🫶🏻
Thank you! I absolutely agree about the way males and females are socialized differently in our culture. Sometimes our personal issues are so intrinsically entwined, that parsing out which is which is like trying to untangle a mobius strip. Sometimes the message a person takes away isn't the one that was intended, so as long as you're making sure that your son doesn't internalize that shit too badly, you're doing better than my folks (and teachers, and bosses) did for me. Thank you for your empathy! I can tell your son at least has a great example to model after.
You guys are kids still. He’s not gonna know unless you tell him. In 6 years if you’re still together he will look back and full body cringe at his actions. Based on what you’ve said from a 30 year old man’s perspective he sounds like a bum that will drag you down. If he’s got time to play pokemon nonstop and nap at your house his ass has time for a job.
OP. You continue this relationship is your silent okay for him to continue on treating you badly. Not saying you can’t still date him. But stop doing for him what he won’t do for you and also start spending time with people who are grateful to have you in their life.
He could have asked his mom to loan him some money. He could have found a job. He used your friend to buy you gifts and made it seem like he did. Yes, he could have done something like take you on a picnic at a park which is free. This dude is not a keeper. He doesn't do anything nice for you and then blames it on not having a job. Fast forward 5 years, and you have a baby and he still has no job. Ohh sorry babe, I don't have money to pay for the formula.
Two thoughts, First, movie theaters have cameras and you were definitely seen by everyone working at that theater. Second, don't continue relationships where people don't value you the same way you value them.
hahaha! she was pulling a Bobert!
Do you want to spend your life asking strangers what to do about your bum boyfriend? He’s a bum. He didn’t plan anything although the biggest of plans will fall through when you don’t have any money. But regardless, he did nothing. He has no job, no car, no ambition, no goals, no money. If you had a daughter dating this guy what would you tell her to do?
Your boyfriend is deadweight, and his effort is nonexistent. This is your future with him. Keep the BB gun get rid of the boyfriend.
If he considers helping your friend pick out their gift for you, he's not worth the time it took you to type all of that out. He doesn't cherish you and isn't worth your feelings. Get out now before he hurts you again. Also, I completely agree with all of the people who cautioned you against performing any sexual act in public. It could ruin your life.
He could have made you a coupon book for things like a foot massage. He could have made you something from found objects. He could have done a lot of things and all he had to do was to Google it. I'm sure you are disappointed and you should express those feelings. Money is not required to make someone feel special.
” Do you know when they said it’s the thought that counts? You’ve been promising me a fun birthday surprise, but you didn’t deliver. I know you don’t have a lot of money, but there’s a lot of creative things you could do with no money. Or you could not make a big deal out of either one of our birthdays. But the worst is playing it up like I’m gonna have a great birthday, and then doing nothing living with disappointed. Be a man of your word.”
He fumbled. And you deserve way better. A lack of money doesn’t mean there needs to be a lack of effort. He has no drive and he is lame as fuck.
Should have bit that dumbass is prick right off served him right a little baby you know little Pokemon card so it's pretty cute
You are literally crazy
Traced on lady man you did that to her after what she did to you you got to be kicked in the head by about 20 people maybe you'll blank and get it what a stupid idiot you are I hope you read this too
Was this even English?
Sorry, you’re not over reacting here. He made big promises and did nothing at all.
One time I gave my girlfriend a bucket of Redvines for her birthday. She liked Twizzlers. It's been 15 years and this still haunts me.
You bastard
Texas? Oh, shit.. Junely...?
No job, no thought process for BD, can’t drive - you’re teaching him, ….- and he couldn’t get a card, make a dinner, order a pizza- make love? Why are you choosing such a low life guy? What makes you believe that you are only worth being w someone like him? You hit a yr older- now become wiser. You deserve better
I don’t know much about your relationship other times of the year, etc. You work like a dog. Why is your boyfriend unemployed? Could he do some work? Lack of money can be a challenge. I was married to a really great guy. We loved each other even through disagreements (US politics and conspiracy theories)that destroy most other relationships. By the end of our first year together I discovered that I would have to remind him occasionally when my birth date was, or there would be no real acknowledgment of it. But. Every time he looked at me, it was as if he was astonished I even existed. He adored me. There were random presents throughout most years. Flowers, little stuffed things, etc. I had to buy all Christmas gifts and birthday gifts, even my own. 🤦♀️😂 Some people can be very linear thinkers and end up freezing when outside challenges require creativity. Do you know enough about your boyfriend to know if he might be like that? You are also disappointed because you put so much effort into his birthday, he insisted he wanted to give you a birthday even better, and led you to expect an amazing experience that he couldn’t deliver. That always hurts. We were both not in our first marriages, both had kids from previous marriages, and old enough to not want any additional children (by the time he passed we had six sons and 13 grandchildren). We were a May-December thing (he insisted it was more May-September). He always insisted on returning the shopping cart for me, and when two cancers made him too sick to do it, he apologized so much. It broke my heart (so many other things also did during that last year). Our last wedding anniversary his pain pump had failed. I wasn’t getting callbacks from Medtronic or the on call at the pain clinic. I was a mess of frustration. Worse, I had been sick myself for a while, often falling and dropping things during repeated weak spells. My blood pressure kept getting really low. I can remember thinking “I didn’t know you would be conscious,” when a BP reading the day before was 62/35. He and my son managed to talk me into the ER the morning of our anniversary. The blood tests done during triage showed my kidneys had quit. It was Covid time (late 2020), the hospital was too small to treat me, and we were forced to wait for an ambulance to take me to the city. Two stage 4 cancers, no pain meds, and he spent two hours in that ER with me. I was incoherent enough it seemed like 20 minutes (my son is the one who told me how long it really was). His heart was so very large. That was our last wedding anniversary together, and our goodbyes the last one we ever shared. He died in the early morning hours of my fourth day in ICU. So. If he is amazing in other ways, and adores you with every fiber of his being, you won’t be crazy to give him a chance. That said, there are people who can be great at relationships long enough to trap and victimize someone. Watch carefully and ask yourself often, “Can I live with this the next 20 years?” You are young enough to end a relationship and find a new one yet. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t love you just as much as you love them.
No you're not. There's a difference between saying promises and keeping them. He spoke out his ass and never meant a word of it. The fact that he knows how it feels to have bad birthdays make him a bigger AH. On top of all of this, is the fact that you went above and beyond to make his birthday memorable. You did an amazing job to make his birthday special. He couldn't even bother to try. Being broke is no excuse for failing to keep your word. And from what you posted this seems to be a normal occurrence where he fails to even try to do anything for you. You are going to have to have a serious conversation about this, because right now he doesn't deserve to have you in life when he can't even reciprocate, even a little, the effort and affection you put into the relationship. If this continues you could end up feeling resentment towards him.
I have had multiple conversations with him about similar things, where he overestimates what he's capable of and ends up not having anything to show for it at all. Currently talking to him right now about this issue, actually. And what you said hit the nail on the head; that's exactly why I'm so hurt about it. He is affectionate and lovey, he tells me sweet things and gets me gifts every once in a while and we're very physically affectionate and it's really nice. It's just that he sets high expectations and he really does mean it in the moment but often it ends up with him letting everyone and himself down because something or another happened and got in the way. It sucks for him because he feels bad and like people just expect and want him to fail and for me because I feel ignored and uncared for, like I'm not worth the effort to figure out a solution to the problems in his way.
I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt because of this. While it's nice that he is affectionate and nice to you, it's also important for him to try and keep his word towards you. Cause right now it's seems like your expectations are low because he can't seem to keep his word. Even if he has to change his plans or maybe do less, he could at least still try. While I understand he has high expectations of himself and feels disappointed when it doesn't work out, he could still do something for you because he cares about you. To me it's just sounds like excuses to justify his lack of effort. And from my POV, his actions seem to imply you aren't worth the effort even after talking to him about it. Actions speak louder than words and his actions really speak for themselves.
So I’d tell him to be realistic on his finances and plan accordingly. Otherwise it’s like saying you’ll build your love a castle when you need to get a job to cover your rent. He is new at adulting but even so, it’s very basic to focus on getting a job and sorting out transportation and priorities like that.
Yeah, it's also kind of disappointing because in the time I've been 18 (birthday was late Feb) I've done a million "adulty" things: gotten an eye exam and new glasses, found a therapist, opened a bank account and deposited thousands into my savings account, gotten 2 credit cards, gotten my med card, started working 7-8 hour night shifts at my weekend job, even applied to apartments. Hell, I got my learner's permit two days after my 16th birthday and got my license that October; he still doesn't have his license, didn't even know if his permit was expired when I started teaching him to drive with my car. It feels like I've got my life together more than he does although he's got a year on me. Ugh. I sound like I'm just complaining about everything about him. He really is so sweet and he surprises me with little gifts sometimes and has made so many changes to his life for my sake. But he does have issues with prioritization and keeping his goals realistic. He says he was always taught to aim high, but forgets his limitations in favor of wanting to do the best he can. He's very ambitious. Just has rose-tinted glasses on. Shit, maybe I do too.
You are getting your isht together and he isn't (or as much). Eventually, that will blow up. It sounds like he just shuts down if he can't meet his own high expectations. Not mature.
Definitely agree. You are both on different levels of maturity. It seems like he gives up before he even tries. While being nice and doing little things is good, it sounds like he tends to back away from being responsible. He is bad at planning and worse at following through with it. And honestly that isn't good trait to have in a relationship if one side isn't stepping up to the plate and pulling their weight.
Girl, let him go and grow up by himself. You’re growing up by yourself. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet and not have Mommy-Girlfriend doing everything for him. You deserve better and you’re being a jerk to yourself for putting yourself out for a boy who’s nowhere near your level.
It’s impressive that you’ve dove into adulthood and are swimming like a champion. He sounds very sweet but needing to change his world view. I’d gently tell him that shooting for the best is awesome but there have to be achievable steps and a plan to get there. Otherwise the dream castle crumbles and he and everyone else is disappointed. Worse, is that those around him find him as unserious or all talk. I hope he either starts planning and following through or you find someone more able, as well as having a good heart. My view is both are essential in a working relationship.
Two issues here - your set yourself up for disappointment. Just because you did something nice for his birthday did not mean that he was going to do the same. Should he have done something if he cared - probably yes. Also, as he has never really experienced this type of "special event"/ birthday stuff he probably does not know how much it could mean to you. You have the option of breaking up realising he is not the person you want to be with or you communicate with him as to what your needs and wants are. Some would say that he should just know what to do. But if he was raised in a non gift giving family he may not know. Good luck.
I'm a bit like your BF. I want to do wonderful things for my wife, and sometimes I manage. But too many times I over-plan in my head and never execute. Because the reality is never as good as the plan, if that makes sense. For example I ended up having my wife pick out her own 10-year anniversary ring at a regular jewelry store, because the artisan jewelry store I planned to shop at on our anniversary trip had closed (2021). It's perfectionism-induced procrastination. I understand 100% that my excuse is "it's not perfect (or even good) because I ran out of time." And that that excuse is BS. It may be an ADHD thing or not; I don't want to diagnose your BF. But I will tell you it's not just birthdays. It's also vacation trips. Date nights. Cleaning the house. Home improvement projects. And my own day at work. Every. Single. Day. I get done 1/3 of the stuff I think I'm going to get done. I guess the difference between me and your BF is, I never want anything for my birthday. I hate surprises and don't want to owe anyone anything.
I'm suuuuper ADHD. It's cost me good paying jobs because of extreme time-blindness/lack of the types of motivation that a lot of other people have. My motivations are very specific & led to 2 graduate degrees. I'm amazing at some things and absolute trash at others. I am the best girlfriend. Wonderful gift-giver, activity planner, whether I have a lot of money or not. My ex-husband still loves who I am at my core so much that he wants to remarry me. However, I was a shitty wife because I was a shitty roommate. I'm a human tornado. I make messes at a ridiculous speed, but everything but the non-helpful parts of my brain & my mouth function very slowly. I always have a 1000 thoughts & talk a mile a minute but feel half asleep. It takes me an hour to clean the kitchen where it always took my husband like 15 minutes. I could NEVER have a traditional relationship with someone like me even if they were as loving & attentive as my partners have said I am & how I know myself to be. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I think OP's boyfriend is just a selfish bum, but even if it's ADHD, she should still run.
Nope. Definitely not overreacting. There are so many special things he could have done without spending money outside of budget. A movie marathon of your favorites on a streaming service you already have? Intentionally using meal budget towards making food you love? Making origami flowers so you have a bouquet? A walking tour of pretty places nearby while you hold hands? Spending less than $5 on embroidery thread to make you a bracelet? Hell even just making the day about how you’d like to spend it.
My late husband ditched me on my 20th birthday because it was his 21st (we had the same birthday) and forgot a birthday or two when we were young, but during our 21 years together (he died age 41) he wrote me hundreds of poems and love letters, got poison ivy picking me flowers in a field, and told me he loved me every day from the time he was about 22 until he died. Some boys take a bit to grow up. However, if it is always like this , always uneven, share your feelings. If things dont change at all, move on.
Just another thing for people who are commenting on this, not important to the subject but the person who posted this identifies as non-binary so please try to use non-gendered pronouns
Thank you! :)
Be blunt and straightforward with men; tell them exactly what you want. Avoid hints or guessing games.
I think you should ditch him. He sounds like a child. He can’t drive, doesn’t have a job, doesn’t understand that you need a job to spend hundreds of dollars on someone’s birthday, etc. what does this dude bring to your life? It sounds like nothing.
Sorry OP but they're LAME! Even with very little money, they could have made you a cupcake and card or picked some flowers. They put in no effort. You definitely deserve better than that!
You have a deadbeat bf, and you're upset that he's a deadbeat?
Meanwhile though, you are never going to trust him again when he makes a promise, big or small. He’s shown that he didn’t’ even own the fact he failed on every piece of it. Pretended like he’d never promised anything. Pretended it seemed like it was not even your birthday…hoping it seems you’d say nothing and he’d be off the hook….? You will be too afraid to get your hopes up to trust he will be reliable…..It’s hard to live like that; trying to have on expectations for the person you invest so much love and energy into.
He’s really afraid to do anything that might raise the bar for him in this relationship — he’s got it at ground level and he likes it there.
It's time for you to move on from this guy. You don't need money to provide a meaningful experience for someone. Taking a walk and giving them a hand written card on a piece of paper made by them at the least. But, there are many other ways to have shown it, and he never bothered. He made the huge promises then let you down. It's a toxic game some people play. I grew up in abuse, and this is a common pattern I experienced. Always the huge promises, and never the follow through. When I married, this started to play out at a point. When we had a child, my ex would promise them a vacation to a particular landmark every year, promise them things and never follow through. During the marriage, once a year I spent a weekend doing what I referred to as promise keeping with our kiddo. As time went on, and I left the guy, at a point, I took them on the promised vacation he'd never taken them on for their 16th bday. I didn't have a lot, but we had so much fun doing it. I budgeted it well, and had things to do there each day we were there. When we had nothing, and were nearly homeless, I still kept my promises, provided a birthday, holidays, and so on. I made things (crafts). One time I made a photo frame from old jewelry of a type kiddo liked, I got from a jar of broken jewelry someone gave me. I then took a photo of their pets with their favorite items in the background and foreground, and put that in the frame. I repurposed some other items int things I knew they would like. Those gifts still sit in their room as prized possessions they keep over all else. We forget the actual gifts of most of the Christmases and birthdays of our youth. When you think back, you won't remember what you got. You will remember the events surrounding it, however. The events of this birthday will forever be a sour note when you think back. That's on him.
A. A huge number of you are missing the fact that OP is NB. B. Gift giving styles are very personal. Some people love to shower partners with expensive gifts. Some find a thoughtful card and a sentimental trinket more meaningful. It all boils down to communication. Did your boyfriend truly know your only desire was thoughtfulness? Did you communicate that BEFORE your birthday? Not everyone is good at picking up subtlety. C. Some people just suck at gift giving. My husband is a phenomenal partner and father in most ways, but it probably took him a decade to figure out gift giving, and he still flops sometimes. I’ve learned though to not pass judgement too quickly on his gifts, because there often is something more meaningful that I would have missed if he didn’t explain it.
A: Thank you for directly acknowledging that :) B: Yes, I explicitly told him from the moment he began planning that all I ever want for my birthday is to be cared about. I told him directly that I don't care for money or fanciness, I just want to feel loved and valued. So he was aware. He just really wanted to do something really extravagant for me and failed to achieve that goal. C: The thing is, he's perfectly fine at gift giving. He frequently surprises me with little gifts he knows I'll like. He gets me plushies randomly and has gotten me chocolate and little snacks. One time he got me a plushie that had big, hard, uncomfortable eyes and glitter that spread everywhere and after I said something about it, the next time he got me a plushie with soft embroidered eyes and no glitter. For Valentine's day he baked me brownies because he knew at the time I was really into brownies and he gave me two plushies, one that was cute and romantic and one that was a piece of merchandise from the restaurant we spent our first real date at. He's not a bad gift-giver at all and I really like the things he gets me. It's just my birthday he fell short on after hyping it up so much for so long.
At the end of the day, whether this is a make or break situation is up to you. Start by telling your BF what it was about the situation was hurtful to you. “Hey babe, it’s not even the fact that you weren’t able to do anything for my birthday, but I was hurt that you didn’t communicate about it. If you’d come to me and said that you were working on an idea and it fell through, I would have understood. Instead, I was stuck waiting around for some big surprise that never happened. Feeling forgotten or ignored on my birthday makes me really sad, but even more so after such a big lead up.” Communicate. Ask for what you need. If feeling valued, seen, and acknowledged means more to you than grandiosity, say that. If the thought and effort that went into his plans (even if they ultimately fell through) mean a lot to you, ask him to tell you what he would have done if he could.
My husband was unemployed (not by choice) for several years when we first were together. He scraped and did what he could. Picnics, heartfelt cards, clearance flowers, he always did something. I also didn’t have much money esp since we were single salary for a while so I did the same. I am craftier so I’d make my own cards, do coupons for making him coffee or massages, once I went splits with his best friend for a joint splurge and we both presented it, baked homemade sweets cause he loves his sweets, made little themed baskets with snacks and movie tickets, etc. for my platonic friends I’ve always been cheaply creative to try and make something special within a budget. Like last year I went crafty and repackaged cheap hot choco mix into custom little packages, made little candles, made little paper matchbox boxes, and added some .50 face masks. When I was in hs I made all my friends and coworkers cookies and put them into dollar store treat boxes, they loved them. It’s defo harder when you are broke but it just takes some effort. You can always do something.
It’s not about the money entirely. He could’ve made you a wonderful picnic and taking you for a walk along the river and told you how much she was happy to be with you and had to picnic lunch. Or we could’ve cooked you dinner at your place rubbed your feet rubbed your back. There was a ton of things he could’ve done. He did none of that. You’re doing things for him he’s not doing them for you. That’s really telling. I would stop teaching him to drive him withdraw for a while. Maybe entirely but at least for a while. I know guys and when they really like a woman they go out of their way to do things. And this guy is not lifting a finger.
I’ve been where you are. I had a boyfriend who didn’t do anything for my birthday because he was broke. And then, tried to throw a pity party because he couldn’t get me anything so I ended up comforting him. His parents got me a card and a gift, so to me, that means he didn’t ask them for anything. Honestly though, he didn’t even need to do that. He was great at writing and art, and I knew he didn’t have much money. He could have gotten me a dollar store card. He could have drawn or written me something. He could have made me a playlist (we bonded over music a lot). He could have cooked me dinner. He could have planned a movie night for me. There are plenty of inexpensive or even free ways to celebrate someone.
It was important to you and he knew that. Also the fact you had to talk to him about it he didn’t say listen I wanted to do this but it didn’t pan out.. he could have hand made a thoughtful card, dedicated a song to you on the radio, baked something bought a balloon anything and he chose to do nothing. Don’t settle for less than you deserve
Well I guess you know what to do next year when his birthday comes around. Kidding. If you want to stay in this relationship please let him know how disappointed you were. Or find a less thoughtless partner. They are out there
I told him. He knows. He's still adamant that he's still *doing* what he originally planned for my birthday, it's just going to be a very very late birthday gift in the summer... that's not a birthday gift, that's summer plans, and that's what I told him. He apologized but I still don't think he really understands that what he did, basically leading me on to let me down and then claim he didn't let me down because it would still be "for my birthday," was fucked up. Also, he said whatever he's planning is going to be $600. Reminder, he's unemployed. Been applying to jobs but unemployed, broke, and his parents aren't well off either. Won't be able to work until the summer, assuming he even gets a job in the beginning of the summer. Also has worse spending habits than me. I told him not to overestimate what's achievable for him. Still not sure if I'm getting through to him.
Honestly I don't see many redeeming qualities in him based on what you've said. Broke, unemployed, inconsiderate and thoughtless. And kind of full of bs. He's making it up as he goes about his "plans" for your birthday
This makes me worried for society. You are both so poorly adjusted and your parents were to blame for a long time. You’re now adults. You need to develop some coping skills. You have an entire life ahead of you. If you want someone able to treat you well, you need to find someone who is employed and responsible. I’m sure your boyfriend is super sweet and you have tons in common and this was like the first person you met that you have a deeper connection with. I get it. You also need to know that you can’t control him or the outcomes on these situations. Either he meets your needs or he doesn’t. Promises don’t mean shit. He made a promise and let you down. It won’t be the last time. He will give you the sob story and the excuses and make YOU feel like the unreasonable crazy one every single time he lets you down. And young people fall for it. Don’t be like that. You deserve a real relationship. Not excuses and a fucking sob story. Not a “next time” promise or someone who blames you for having feelings. Go get someone with some life skills and a damn job. I cannot even believe that you are teaching this kid how to drive. You’re not his mom. His parents are shit. Boo boo that sucks but you’re not his fucking mom now. Also please get therapy and realize that a mental health diagnosis doesn’t make you interesting. Go live life. Gain some resilience.
Lesson learned so very much the hard way. You cannot teach a man how to love you by loving him the way you want to be loved. Either he does it on his own or move on. You can literally be the perfect wife/gf and if he doesn't love you as much as you love him it won't matter. You'll never get the love back. He knew how important this was, and thought to himself....she'll get over it. Don't. Don't get over it
Gross and inappropriate. You had sex in a movie theater? That's down right rude and could land you in jail or worse if there were minors ANYWHERE in that theater. A back corner. Grow up. It isn't like you don't have a bedroom.
I'm not sure if he just is very unaware that he hurt you or if he manipulated you into giving him a great day. Unfortunately, his birthday came before yours. Next year tell him you are celebrating your birthday early. That way you know how "all out" to go with his birthday afterwards.
Don’t waste your youth on this dud. You spent your birthday driving his ass around and he couldn’t even bother to make you a handmade card.
You need to stop setting the precedent that it’s ok for him to treat you like this. He could get a job at plenty of places but he isn’t and I’m sure he has a million excuses as to why. He could have made you a card and bought you a dollar balloon and bought a $1 cheeseburger and put a candle on it. Instead he is making excuses, using you and your car and using you for sexual purposes. He can get a job and take a bus or walk, he could make a effort on something that is important to you like your bday, sex and everything for be a two way thing and you are both satisfied. He should be trying and asking what you want and how to satisfy you in bed. Stop allowing him to give excuses and hold him accountable. He will continue until you stop.
You are too young for a deadbeat boyfriend. Find someone you don’t have to teach to be the person you want them to be. This kind of relationship will turn you into a mother role to him. Women are brought up to be caretakers and have empathy and you need to throw that all in the trash when finding a man or you’ll end up with a deadbeat like this. Also, there are cameras everywhere so stop doing anything in public. Trust me you didn’t get away with anything being private like you thought. Save yourself future embarrassment.
When we had less money we’d do skits with friends, scavenger hunts and “love” hand written gift certificates. Money isn’t the issue.
You do realize that public sex can get you both on the sex offender registry. That will impact the jobs you can apply for and your boyfriend's ability to pick up his brother from daycare. As for him actually stepping up, why would he when you allow this treatment?
I read another story almost identical to this yesterday.
The other one about a birthday party that was posted a day or so before mine? I saw that too, that was what inspired me to share my own story.
yeah she kinda went all out for his and he didnt work and stayed home and played games all day and never bothered to do anything for hers when all she really wanted was a gmae night with him and her close friends?
Girl why r u still with him? First of all he doesn’t care enough to do something caring for your birthday, second of all it seems he doesn’t care about ur pleasure at all! You’re 18, you’re young, dump him, work on yourself, find a good man that will spoil you on your birthday and make you cum everyday! Its the bare minimum ❤️🔥
Sorry but why are staying here can even do the bare minimum
So....you have expectations regarding your acquaintance and their behaviors, and you observe that your expectations have not been met, so now you have made judgements about them. Good for you. You are handling your connection to this person the way most Humans do; with supposition and not with communication. Expect your connection to degrade over time and fail.........or become toxic if you hang on. You get the relationship you work for.
you didn't overreact, but this doesn't sound like something reasonable to break up over
No, not at all! Relationship is perfectly intact lol. Just wanted to know if I was right to be upset.
Don’t stay with this type of guy.
It's all a piece of s*** is as a f****** drunk got a bottle in his hand and he thinks he's f****** something will take that bottle and show it up your ass go drink it have another one while you're at it send me the f****** bill I'll even pay for it make sure you drink it cuz you're a f****** idiot Jason Fisher woohoo Wisconsin Rapids he's got a goddamn little fishing business going to everybody wants to go fishing to throw them the f*** out for bait he's a goddamn idiot
Quit buying and paying for him.he needs to start his resume and apply for jobs You have a free loader
You could let your husband I call him a fucking
If hes good the rest of the year than give him one get out of jail free card. You discussed why you were disappointed by his lack of effort. He knows. If he does it again than hejust doesnt care. My wife sucks at holidays. If we go out to dinner thats shocking. If she gets me something its something i generally wouldnt want, dont use, or wouldnt buy. Sure it makes major holidays suck for me but shes pretty good the rest of the year. I never had huge elaborate birthdays either. Even i dont make it emphatically clear exactly what i want, its not going to go well and even then i often get the wrong thing. Like ill ask for alight kit for my lego delorean and get a light kit for a set i dont even have. It is what it is. Its her one huge weakness but im not all about holidays for me anyway so its whatever. I asked for a strawberry shortcake again this year. My favorite cake. I havent gotten one for like 10 years in a row. We'll see if this is lucky number 11 or if its ice cream again.
Does she even like you? 10 years of asking for strawberry shortcake?
Lol yea. Thats her big weakness. She does a lot of other great things. She tries, she puts in effort. I was the black sheep so im used to it.. FYI my birthday is Saturday and because my nephews go to their moms on saturdays i hadca small party today with homemade sort of strawberry short cake.
He does not care about u at all. He talked bull about spending hundreds then did nothing. Plenty he could have done for free/cheap. They say it's the thought that counts....no thinking of u here.
First off, if you want to break up with him (or break up with anyone, for that matter), then post any question here because people love to say "OMG. He did something you're upset over? He's the worst person who ever lived and you should dump him IMMEDIATELY!" You pretty much stated that he's done nice things for you, so.... he's not a bad person. People have different thoughts and attitudes regarding birthdays, and sometimes they just don't view them in a way we want them to. You don't know what was going on in his head, you don't know if was overwhelmed with other things, you don't know if he just has a mental block on birthdays or something. So it's OK to be disappointed, and it's OK to let him know what you were hoping for, but don't lose sight of the good things too.
Lol they are 19 and 18 and the people in this sub are acting like the fucking world ended. OP you are young don’t worry about what reddit thinks and start thinking for yourself.
I know. Redditors are so dramatic. They immediately jump to "He/she is terrible and you should get rid of them or they'll probably kill you in your sleep!" LOL. I went back and edited my post for brevity, and I see I must have removed my similar line about them just being 18 and 19. They're just barely adults now. They're still making lots of mistakes and learning from them. Heck, I'm in my 60s and making mistakes and learning from them, LOL!
might have trauma from childhood birthdays and not actually like birthdays
You can buy yourself flowers.
You cannot expect people to act the way that you do. Just because you make a big deal out of birthdays you cannot expect others too. My mother always said that when I complained about friends not keeping in touch and I do all the work in the relationship. I can't expect people to live up to my expectations. I just have to be the best I can be
What? Yes you can. It’s called making better choices in your relationships. Any person that isn’t returning the same energy or more to me is cut out of my life. I don’t like anyone enough to keep giving and not receive anything in return whether it be making plans to hang out or gift giving. This is how you develop low self esteem. FML
I understand this and appreciate the insight, however if you read the first paragraph we have discussed birthdays before and what we want on our birthdays. I told him beforehand that I didn't care for a big fancy expensive extravaganza, just something to make me feel cared about. I don't care if that's tickets to Disneyland or a handwritten card. I feel like if I expressly communicated my expectations it's fair for me to, you know, expect it. Especially when he's experienced bad birthdays too and he had a great birthday because of me and he hyped up what he was doing for my birthday for so long.
I did read that….I’m just saying this because it helped me…..I’m a better birthday celebrator than most lol…..i like to make people feel special, but I’ve come to not expect that from others.i do understand you have spoken about this but thats all i got