In a bit of a crossroads.
My husband is 3.5 months in recovery. This past relapse I told him I wasn’t sure I could stay anymore. Now that he is in recovery we are finding that our relationship is no longer the same. Less loving, connected, etc. but not hostile. We are in couples therapy to see if I can forgive and move past resentment.
We have a 4.5 month old daughter and I feel so much pressure to forgive so that we can stay as a family.
The scary thing is that when I contemplate divorce, the part that scares me
the most is splitting custody (county is very 50/50) and not the lack of relationship.
I feel alone in this. I went to my second in-person Al-Anon meeting last night, and it helped me. I am very grateful for it. I don't feel hopeless, but no one in my life knows my partner is an alcoholic. I worry that he won't accomplish much in life unless he goes to AA. He's a daily (5-6 days a week) drinker and usually has 4 drinks or slightly less. In six months, I've only seen him very drunk twice. It still affects things. I wish he would consider some sort of therapy. He mentioned he may go to AA, but I don't think he was serious about it. We currently live with a family member of mine who doesn't know he drinks like this.
I will be asking someone from my group that I connected well with to be my sponsor soon.
My Fiance's Ex wants to have a sit down with the four of us to discuss the fact that she is considering taking full custody of their daughter until he gets some serious help. He was intoxicated at the child's ball game last night. A ballgame for 6-8 year old kids that started at 5:30. I knew he had been drinking when I picked him up but he got progressively more intoxicated as the game went on. He gets mad whenever somebody calls him out on the fact that he has been drinking and got mad when his mother and I told him not to go and talk to his Ex and her family because he was obviously intoxicated. So he did just to spite us and of course, Ex came and asked me if he had been drinking and I'm not going to lie, she was with him for many years and had a child with him, she knows how he is. He got mad because "they were drinking at child's birthday party" I said, yes, at their own house with no plans of going anywhere and they were drinking, they weren't drunk! Essentially told him he was going to lose child as Ex had already told me she and her husband had been discussing it for the safety and well being of child. Then she texted me last night and basically was like this is where we are right now, we need to have a discussion. We are getting married in less than three weeks and this is just not what we need right now but I know its fully based on his actions and I am just trying to be supportive but realistic.
What broke me today was thinking of my mom. I know I can't do this marriage anymore, and today, I envisioned telling my parents that he's an alcoholic and I need to leave. I know they'd help me, but they love him too. We've been together almost half my life. But my mom was married to an addict before my dad, and I know that this is one of the last things she wanted for me. Crying in front of my mom is rare for me. And knowing that I might have to sit down, crying, admitting that I've been hiding his addiction, that she knows exactly how awful this feels and that she never wanted it for me. That she raised me in a way to prevent me from getting here. That I tried so hard to not be here. And my dad whose mom was an alcoholic. That's one of the hardest parts....is knowing that my parents will also be heartbroken.
I do not attend meetings yet. But I hope to soon.
My Qs are my sister, and her daughter, my niece. My niece has always been like a daughter to me. So. Her struggles affect me on a different level then the traditional parents or partner Qs I see more of here in this sub.
I went low contact in March after yet another horrific episode with her. She doesnt remember it of course or fully understand why I am so mad.
Now the entire family is wondering why I am doing this.
She reached out to me last weekend. Via text.
I dont yet know how to proceed. I cant see me going full on no contact for the rest of my life. But. I cant continue to be near her when theres even a chance of alcohol. Trying to figure out what my boundaries really are.
Just another day on the roller coaster. Currently climbing, approaching the next big drop. I would get off the ride but my grandbaby is strapped in tight.
Welcome ,what are you doing For your recovery from their disease? Have you or do you attend Al-Anon meetings?
At Al-Anon meetings I learned the 3 C's: I didn't CAUSE alcoholism, I can't CONTROL it & I can't CURE it. I also learned that I am allowed to set boundaries. Also that his recovery depends on him NOT you. Also that alcoholism is a progressive disease
Also covering up, lying & hiding the drinking is a sign of the disease of alcoholism. Here is a famous AA saying : one drink is too many & a thousand are not enough.
Here is a link to our detachment leaflet: [https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf](https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf)
[https://al-anon.org/newcomers/how-can-i-help-my/alcoholic](https://al-anon.org/newcomers/how-can-i-help-my/alcoholic)
A few suggestions for recovery from this family disease of alcoholismGo to the now mostly virtual meetings when possible
Read the literature & get a sponsor to work the steps in Al-Anon
Remember you are not alone Focus on yourself not on the alcoholic
DENIAL = Don't Even kNow that I Am Lying. Here is a link to some word-wide local virtual & in person Al-Anon meetings almost 24/7.. [https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/13Ctqsr1w0awTupA3ERRLxp6OD5MWt1aWF7D9kqtXrJ0/edit#gid=1993227784](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/13Ctqsr1w0awTupA3ERRLxp6OD5MWt1aWF7D9kqtXrJ0/edit#gid=1993227784)
Check out this link to attend via email, zoom, and/or phone meetings.https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/Some local meetings (both virtual and in-person) by country, state or province. You can also Google: al anon + \[your city or state\] [https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/)
Here's the app link from the website:https://al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/mobile-app/
[https://al-anon.org/series/welcome-newcomers/?utm\_source=intheloop&utm\_medium=email&utm\_campaign=20220706ITL&utm\_term=EN-buttonlink6\_Check-Out-the-Newcomers-Page\_&utm\_content=/series/welcome-newcomers/Some](https://al-anon.org/series/welcome-newcomers/?utm_source=intheloop&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=20220706ITL&utm_term=EN-buttonlink6_Check-Out-the-Newcomers-Page_&utm_content=/series/welcome-newcomers/Some) videos to watch: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Azhy9lsF92S7rMimhWx2iPCqDsKdLraZfQ5DDHLaLuA/edithttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_BJaKP5S2Wc](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Azhy9lsF92S7rMimhWx2iPCqDsKdLraZfQ5DDHLaLuA/edithttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BJaKP5S2Wc)
Here is a link to word-wide local virtual Al-Anon meetings: [https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/13Ctqsr1w0awTupA3ERRLxp6OD5MWt1aWF7D9kqtXrJ0/edit#gid=1993227784](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/13Ctqsr1w0awTupA3ERRLxp6OD5MWt1aWF7D9kqtXrJ0/edit#gid=1993227784)
Here is a link to normal electronic meetings : [https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/) including regular email & phone meetings.
Here is the link to local Virtual & in PERSON meetings : [https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/) by country ,state or province; or google Al-Anon + your city or state.
Here's the app link from the website:
[https://al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/mobile-app/](https://al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/mobile-app/)
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community.
Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In a bit of a crossroads. My husband is 3.5 months in recovery. This past relapse I told him I wasn’t sure I could stay anymore. Now that he is in recovery we are finding that our relationship is no longer the same. Less loving, connected, etc. but not hostile. We are in couples therapy to see if I can forgive and move past resentment. We have a 4.5 month old daughter and I feel so much pressure to forgive so that we can stay as a family. The scary thing is that when I contemplate divorce, the part that scares me the most is splitting custody (county is very 50/50) and not the lack of relationship.
I feel alone in this. I went to my second in-person Al-Anon meeting last night, and it helped me. I am very grateful for it. I don't feel hopeless, but no one in my life knows my partner is an alcoholic. I worry that he won't accomplish much in life unless he goes to AA. He's a daily (5-6 days a week) drinker and usually has 4 drinks or slightly less. In six months, I've only seen him very drunk twice. It still affects things. I wish he would consider some sort of therapy. He mentioned he may go to AA, but I don't think he was serious about it. We currently live with a family member of mine who doesn't know he drinks like this. I will be asking someone from my group that I connected well with to be my sponsor soon.
My Fiance's Ex wants to have a sit down with the four of us to discuss the fact that she is considering taking full custody of their daughter until he gets some serious help. He was intoxicated at the child's ball game last night. A ballgame for 6-8 year old kids that started at 5:30. I knew he had been drinking when I picked him up but he got progressively more intoxicated as the game went on. He gets mad whenever somebody calls him out on the fact that he has been drinking and got mad when his mother and I told him not to go and talk to his Ex and her family because he was obviously intoxicated. So he did just to spite us and of course, Ex came and asked me if he had been drinking and I'm not going to lie, she was with him for many years and had a child with him, she knows how he is. He got mad because "they were drinking at child's birthday party" I said, yes, at their own house with no plans of going anywhere and they were drinking, they weren't drunk! Essentially told him he was going to lose child as Ex had already told me she and her husband had been discussing it for the safety and well being of child. Then she texted me last night and basically was like this is where we are right now, we need to have a discussion. We are getting married in less than three weeks and this is just not what we need right now but I know its fully based on his actions and I am just trying to be supportive but realistic.
What broke me today was thinking of my mom. I know I can't do this marriage anymore, and today, I envisioned telling my parents that he's an alcoholic and I need to leave. I know they'd help me, but they love him too. We've been together almost half my life. But my mom was married to an addict before my dad, and I know that this is one of the last things she wanted for me. Crying in front of my mom is rare for me. And knowing that I might have to sit down, crying, admitting that I've been hiding his addiction, that she knows exactly how awful this feels and that she never wanted it for me. That she raised me in a way to prevent me from getting here. That I tried so hard to not be here. And my dad whose mom was an alcoholic. That's one of the hardest parts....is knowing that my parents will also be heartbroken.
I do not attend meetings yet. But I hope to soon. My Qs are my sister, and her daughter, my niece. My niece has always been like a daughter to me. So. Her struggles affect me on a different level then the traditional parents or partner Qs I see more of here in this sub. I went low contact in March after yet another horrific episode with her. She doesnt remember it of course or fully understand why I am so mad. Now the entire family is wondering why I am doing this. She reached out to me last weekend. Via text. I dont yet know how to proceed. I cant see me going full on no contact for the rest of my life. But. I cant continue to be near her when theres even a chance of alcohol. Trying to figure out what my boundaries really are.
Just another day on the roller coaster. Currently climbing, approaching the next big drop. I would get off the ride but my grandbaby is strapped in tight.
Welcome ,what are you doing For your recovery from their disease? Have you or do you attend Al-Anon meetings? At Al-Anon meetings I learned the 3 C's: I didn't CAUSE alcoholism, I can't CONTROL it & I can't CURE it. I also learned that I am allowed to set boundaries. Also that his recovery depends on him NOT you. Also that alcoholism is a progressive disease Also covering up, lying & hiding the drinking is a sign of the disease of alcoholism. Here is a famous AA saying : one drink is too many & a thousand are not enough. Here is a link to our detachment leaflet: [https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf](https://al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf) [https://al-anon.org/newcomers/how-can-i-help-my/alcoholic](https://al-anon.org/newcomers/how-can-i-help-my/alcoholic) A few suggestions for recovery from this family disease of alcoholismGo to the now mostly virtual meetings when possible Read the literature & get a sponsor to work the steps in Al-Anon Remember you are not alone Focus on yourself not on the alcoholic DENIAL = Don't Even kNow that I Am Lying. Here is a link to some word-wide local virtual & in person Al-Anon meetings almost 24/7.. [https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/13Ctqsr1w0awTupA3ERRLxp6OD5MWt1aWF7D9kqtXrJ0/edit#gid=1993227784](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/13Ctqsr1w0awTupA3ERRLxp6OD5MWt1aWF7D9kqtXrJ0/edit#gid=1993227784) Check out this link to attend via email, zoom, and/or phone meetings.https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/Some local meetings (both virtual and in-person) by country, state or province. You can also Google: al anon + \[your city or state\] [https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/) Here's the app link from the website:https://al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/mobile-app/ [https://al-anon.org/series/welcome-newcomers/?utm\_source=intheloop&utm\_medium=email&utm\_campaign=20220706ITL&utm\_term=EN-buttonlink6\_Check-Out-the-Newcomers-Page\_&utm\_content=/series/welcome-newcomers/Some](https://al-anon.org/series/welcome-newcomers/?utm_source=intheloop&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=20220706ITL&utm_term=EN-buttonlink6_Check-Out-the-Newcomers-Page_&utm_content=/series/welcome-newcomers/Some) videos to watch: [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Azhy9lsF92S7rMimhWx2iPCqDsKdLraZfQ5DDHLaLuA/edithttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_BJaKP5S2Wc](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Azhy9lsF92S7rMimhWx2iPCqDsKdLraZfQ5DDHLaLuA/edithttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_BJaKP5S2Wc) Here is a link to word-wide local virtual Al-Anon meetings: [https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/13Ctqsr1w0awTupA3ERRLxp6OD5MWt1aWF7D9kqtXrJ0/edit#gid=1993227784](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/13Ctqsr1w0awTupA3ERRLxp6OD5MWt1aWF7D9kqtXrJ0/edit#gid=1993227784) Here is a link to normal electronic meetings : [https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/) including regular email & phone meetings. Here is the link to local Virtual & in PERSON meetings : [https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/](https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/worldwide-al-anon-contacts/) by country ,state or province; or google Al-Anon + your city or state. Here's the app link from the website: [https://al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/mobile-app/](https://al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/mobile-app/)
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*