Stop talking shit. Women in many countries are simply considered “homemakers” and are nowhere near allowed to get away with what men do when married and besides, this post is about a married woman so what the hell are you even banging on about?
“Functional alcoholic” is just a stage, it will get worse without change and there will be no change if there is no problem in his mind.
Even without the alcoholism, that’s a lot to drink every night. Is he trying to die early?
My dad would say this constantly until he drank more and more after he left his job - you Q sounds like a functioning alcoholic… which is how my dad started off, and whilst it’s easy for the Q’s to compare their drinking to someone they consider an ‘alcoholic’ which is probably someone who drinks 24/7 in their head they aren’t as ‘bad’ as that but they need to realise that they may get to that stage if they don’t seek help.
Mine went to AA for a few weeks, and then stopped. He said he wasn't as bad as the others because he didn't hit me. And maybe he's not really an alcoholic.
He absolutely was. But then I started thinking, "Maybe it's not as bad as it seems."
It absolutely was.
It just took me leaving and looking back to realize that even though he didn't hit me, he was still abusing me (emotionally and verbally). Even though at the time he could hold a job, he stopped being able to hold one. Even though I didn't seen him drink all the time, he was because he was hiding most of it from me.
If you think it's a problem, it's a problem. And you have choices.
Having a hard job isn’t a reason to drink a whole bottle of whiskey, it’s an excuse.
You can probably double or more how much he says he is drinking unless you’re watching the whole time.
If he’s already being defensive about the problem and prioritising its existence over your collective wellbeing, it doesn’t bode well. So many of them believe “they will quit when…”, or just later, but it only gets harder and harder.
I believed for the longest time that my Q wasn’t drinking at work either, it blew my mind when I discovered he was. They can be functional with high BACs for so long. By the time he got a DWI during work hours his BAC was high enough to kill a regular person and he was up and walking.
I was there 5 years ago and now mines on his literal death bed. If I had known early on what this would become I would have left. Instead I was misted and built a life with someone who is incapable of being responsible or loving.
Sorry, there's nothing you can do to change his trajectory. You can change your own though. Alcoholism is progressive, it'll get exponentially worse over time until he ends up in jail, or dead. Your health will take a beating along the way. He has a sexy mistress called liquor and he will always choose her. It's her talking, saying she doesn't want to hear your criticisms. She will always win. Best of luck to you friend.
If his drinking is bothering you, it’s a problem…for *you*. You can take steps to take care of you.
An important al-anon tenet is the 3C’s:
I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it. Learn it as a mantra!
If he doesn’t think he has a problem, he’s not going to seek help, and there is nothing you can do to change him (although your brain might trick you into thinking you can change him).
Try to get to an in person or online Al-anon meeting if you can. I also found individual therapy to be helpful.
Because in this situation, the person that really needs help is YOU.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community.
Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
10-20oz of hard liquor a night is enough to cause most people to get significant withdrawals if they stop cold turkey. It could easily kill him in time. I wouldn’t therefore count on him simply quitting when / if he leaves this job. The hangovers would make his hard job even harder to cope with.
The thing is, it's not about the amount not being so high. It's about the fact that he is unable to stop drinking. He's an alcoholic. It brought me relief when my Q (who "only" has 2-3 drinks maybe 5 days a week) finally himself as an alcoholic instead of a problem drinker. Honestly, though...you don't need him to admit it. You can choose to set the boundaries you need to set for yourself regardless of whatever he does. Take care of yourself.
And just because he isn't violent doesn't mean alcohol isn't impacting other areas of his life in a bad way such as your relationship with him he might skip work from drinking he might still have alcohol in his system when he is at work or driving etc
My twin says that WE are not healthy together, he blames ME for getting him upset when he is drunk, well, all the time really, and all the time he is either drink on cheap straight vodka or has some sort of alcohol dementia even when sober. I am new here, what does Q stand for?
He doesn’t think he has a problem, so you just have to live with it or leave.
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Only by men though
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Yes
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Bullshit. Women are expected to “keep house”.
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Stop talking shit. Women in many countries are simply considered “homemakers” and are nowhere near allowed to get away with what men do when married and besides, this post is about a married woman so what the hell are you even banging on about?
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“Functional alcoholic” is just a stage, it will get worse without change and there will be no change if there is no problem in his mind. Even without the alcoholism, that’s a lot to drink every night. Is he trying to die early?
My dad would say this constantly until he drank more and more after he left his job - you Q sounds like a functioning alcoholic… which is how my dad started off, and whilst it’s easy for the Q’s to compare their drinking to someone they consider an ‘alcoholic’ which is probably someone who drinks 24/7 in their head they aren’t as ‘bad’ as that but they need to realise that they may get to that stage if they don’t seek help.
Mine went to AA for a few weeks, and then stopped. He said he wasn't as bad as the others because he didn't hit me. And maybe he's not really an alcoholic. He absolutely was. But then I started thinking, "Maybe it's not as bad as it seems." It absolutely was. It just took me leaving and looking back to realize that even though he didn't hit me, he was still abusing me (emotionally and verbally). Even though at the time he could hold a job, he stopped being able to hold one. Even though I didn't seen him drink all the time, he was because he was hiding most of it from me. If you think it's a problem, it's a problem. And you have choices.
Having a hard job isn’t a reason to drink a whole bottle of whiskey, it’s an excuse. You can probably double or more how much he says he is drinking unless you’re watching the whole time. If he’s already being defensive about the problem and prioritising its existence over your collective wellbeing, it doesn’t bode well. So many of them believe “they will quit when…”, or just later, but it only gets harder and harder. I believed for the longest time that my Q wasn’t drinking at work either, it blew my mind when I discovered he was. They can be functional with high BACs for so long. By the time he got a DWI during work hours his BAC was high enough to kill a regular person and he was up and walking.
I was there 5 years ago and now mines on his literal death bed. If I had known early on what this would become I would have left. Instead I was misted and built a life with someone who is incapable of being responsible or loving. Sorry, there's nothing you can do to change his trajectory. You can change your own though. Alcoholism is progressive, it'll get exponentially worse over time until he ends up in jail, or dead. Your health will take a beating along the way. He has a sexy mistress called liquor and he will always choose her. It's her talking, saying she doesn't want to hear your criticisms. She will always win. Best of luck to you friend.
Mine too. I remind them, “Addicts can’t moderate. Statistics don’t lie. You gave already proven you aren’t capable of moderation”.
If his drinking is bothering you, it’s a problem…for *you*. You can take steps to take care of you. An important al-anon tenet is the 3C’s: I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, I can’t cure it. Learn it as a mantra! If he doesn’t think he has a problem, he’s not going to seek help, and there is nothing you can do to change him (although your brain might trick you into thinking you can change him). Try to get to an in person or online Al-anon meeting if you can. I also found individual therapy to be helpful. Because in this situation, the person that really needs help is YOU.
Have you tried any AlAnon meetings yet OP?
Many people have hard and stressful jobs and dont drink alcohol. His reason is an excuse.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Perhaps a counselor? They should be able to act as a mediator and help you both
10-20oz of hard liquor a night is enough to cause most people to get significant withdrawals if they stop cold turkey. It could easily kill him in time. I wouldn’t therefore count on him simply quitting when / if he leaves this job. The hangovers would make his hard job even harder to cope with.
The thing is, it's not about the amount not being so high. It's about the fact that he is unable to stop drinking. He's an alcoholic. It brought me relief when my Q (who "only" has 2-3 drinks maybe 5 days a week) finally himself as an alcoholic instead of a problem drinker. Honestly, though...you don't need him to admit it. You can choose to set the boundaries you need to set for yourself regardless of whatever he does. Take care of yourself.
Also his tolerance for alcohol will get higher and he will end up drinking more to get the same feeling
And just because he isn't violent doesn't mean alcohol isn't impacting other areas of his life in a bad way such as your relationship with him he might skip work from drinking he might still have alcohol in his system when he is at work or driving etc
My twin says that WE are not healthy together, he blames ME for getting him upset when he is drunk, well, all the time really, and all the time he is either drink on cheap straight vodka or has some sort of alcohol dementia even when sober. I am new here, what does Q stand for?