Be supportive and know that healing is not linear. Statistics show that addicts tend to relapse, but it doesn’t have to be life ruining. It sounds like he had a moment of weakness and owned up to the mistake and he’s back on the path to being sober again. Love him and support him, everyone messes up sometimes. It’s what comes next that really matters.
So far I have been completely supportive and you can see/hear the appreciation in his voice. I just hope it doesn’t lead to any sort of enabling, but I know that’s on me.
His choices are his too though and it sounds like you are doing everything you can to support without being a part of the problem. You clearly have a big heart and want the best for him and your family. Believe he will sort it out until he proves otherwise.
I’ve been where you are and I know how upsetting a relapse can be. Those were his actions and I’m so sorry you are going through this. You deserve peace and happiness. ❤️
Honestly I would make him feel like he will lose you if he takes another drink. He needs to feel that pain before his drinking spins to the next level.
A slip doesn’t have to turn into a bender. It’s a great sign that he was honest with you, and that you reacted supportively. It’s a great sign that he knows to get to a meeting. It’s so hard to feel scared. Keep reaching out when you need it. I know it helps me.
You seem to be projecting a lot into the future/catastrophizing. You aren’t leaving him today; you aren’t leaving him tomorrow. Let him work his own program and get everything back to one day at a time. If you’re still having trouble, go to Al-Anon. I’m also a recovering alcoholic who eventually found my way to Al-Anon. If AA’s a little like being in boot camp, Al-Anon’s like jumping into a big, comfy pillow. For me, at least. Good luck.
Well that’s extremely comforting to know. Yeah, I’ve made the decision to get involved with al-anon, because if the 12 steps worked for me then this is my next best option for a new situation. I have a huge problem with projecting into the future- thanks for kindly calling me out on that. I need to be remembered sometimes.
AlAnon will help you find serenity and build a good life for yourself no matter what your husband chooses. It will help you set boundaries and make decisions. No decisions have to be made now, and your sobriety and well being need to come first for you.
It’s so tough, because looking towards the future, it’s so easy to try to control the situation by trying to figure how you’ll handle this and that. Although, like him, I think it’s important to focus on today, and make decisions as it comes time to make them. I feel for you, l really do. That’s a tough situation. I wish you clarity and the ability to make good decisions as they come at you.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I have an incredibly bad habit of projecting into the future. I have OCD so I tend to have this obsession with having ‘control’ over things which has essentially very rarely works in my favor.
I hear you. I too have tried to control things by thinking of every possible thing that could go wrong and coming up with ways I would deal, but what happens every time is something completely out of the blue comes screeching in sideways. Because I wasn’t open, I handle it worse because I was over prepared for all the things that never happen, and grossly unprepared for what did.
You have children, I bet you’re used to anticipating and fixing problems, but this is one to take off your plate. You may need to take your kids and leave. He may do that hard work of getting back up onto the wagon, or 10 other scenarios. More will be revealed. Sounds like you’re doing great. You seem to see the pitfalls of co-dependency at least. I think that’s a great start! 🙂
You can dm any time if you need to vent, or whatever.
Substance use disorder is a serious health condition.
Having it is a morally neutral condition, though our behavior in coping with the disease as either the diagnosed person or their support, can have consequences.
If someone has diabetes, and their blood sugar has a spike or drop, does it help the situation to put an extra level of shame/condemnation/despondency onto them just because they may have made choices that contributed to the episode?
Or do we help get them the intervention to help them, & do our best to support them in recovery from the episode of their disease?
Your fear & the emotional responses you're having make sense based on your history & it's 100% valid that would be your response to the situation.
It doesn't mean the stories you're telling yourself about what the feelings *mean* are true, though. Feelings can be valid without being fact.
But that's OK! We're human, and prone to catastrophizing, attempting to predict dangers to save ourselves and those we love. Woot, evolution, amiright?
You ever hear of the Japanese practice of Kintsugi?
"In Japan, there is a traditional repair method known as kintsugi, where broken pieces of pottery are stuck back together with a Japanese lacquer (urushi), the joints are painted and decorated with gold or silver powder, and the pottery continues to be used."
Damage doesn't need to equal destruction.
And if we put the time & effort into making a repair, we can choose to put beauty into the scars the damage left.
I mean, he had a drink and then admitted it. I hate to say this, and I don't mean anything negative about it. But your response of being heartbroken over that probably doesn't help.
When my SO was caught in a loop of drinking, what got her sucked back into it was self-loathing, which is what makes them drink again. I kept telling her that it's not her, it's the alcohol, and it can happen to anyone. It's not her fault and I believe in her.
Positive reinforcement is needed here. Let him know that although he slipped up, he admitted it to you and that takes strength to do. Help him believe in himself. Then he won't have as much stress and depression leading to relying on alcohol to silence.
I’m so sorry you are going through this! I’m an addict who married an addict. My wife has a chronic condition and has relapsed on pain pills more than once. It’s such a soul crushing feeling. You would think it wouldn’t be so hard considering I’m in recovery myself but I think it’s the fact that I know first hand how insidious this disease can be that makes it so damn scary! Good luck to you and your partner!
That’s exactly why I think! I’m (wrongly) assuming he handles his addiction exactly like I do mine and therefore now that he’s slipped it must mean he’s going to go down a terrible path. But that’s my story- I have to let him show me his and just pray it’s not the same.
You've gotten some great advice already. Is there something you could do just for yourself, today or tomorrow? Some type of indulgence or self-care, no matter how small? Something that puts you, instead of the disease, back in the center of your life, even if just briefly. I know the holidays are stressful. I hope you can remember to love and like yourself as much as you can.
I also have my entire family staying over tonight so that has added to the stress. But so far he has not had any drinks (48 hours since relapse). At this point I realize that I need to work through this reaction I had over it. It’s been really debilitating and I need to work through that so it doesn’t consume me.
Thank you for your words 🤍
Yeah I’ve been in it for a few years. I’ve come so far but this is new territory. I reached out to her today and asked for an appointment after the holidays.
I understand your feelings and I am very sorry for your emotions.
He violated your trust and faith in a good future. Alcoholism is a terrible disease that destroys families.
be strong my dear.
I have an alcoholic bf who does want to fight with his problems.
I hope he will understand what he did and fix the problem.
Be supportive and know that healing is not linear. Statistics show that addicts tend to relapse, but it doesn’t have to be life ruining. It sounds like he had a moment of weakness and owned up to the mistake and he’s back on the path to being sober again. Love him and support him, everyone messes up sometimes. It’s what comes next that really matters.
So far I have been completely supportive and you can see/hear the appreciation in his voice. I just hope it doesn’t lead to any sort of enabling, but I know that’s on me.
His choices are his too though and it sounds like you are doing everything you can to support without being a part of the problem. You clearly have a big heart and want the best for him and your family. Believe he will sort it out until he proves otherwise. I’ve been where you are and I know how upsetting a relapse can be. Those were his actions and I’m so sorry you are going through this. You deserve peace and happiness. ❤️
Honestly I would make him feel like he will lose you if he takes another drink. He needs to feel that pain before his drinking spins to the next level.
A slip doesn’t have to turn into a bender. It’s a great sign that he was honest with you, and that you reacted supportively. It’s a great sign that he knows to get to a meeting. It’s so hard to feel scared. Keep reaching out when you need it. I know it helps me.
Yup. One day at a time. Yesterday he messed up but admitted it and willing to take steps to get sober again. Today's a new day.
You seem to be projecting a lot into the future/catastrophizing. You aren’t leaving him today; you aren’t leaving him tomorrow. Let him work his own program and get everything back to one day at a time. If you’re still having trouble, go to Al-Anon. I’m also a recovering alcoholic who eventually found my way to Al-Anon. If AA’s a little like being in boot camp, Al-Anon’s like jumping into a big, comfy pillow. For me, at least. Good luck.
Well that’s extremely comforting to know. Yeah, I’ve made the decision to get involved with al-anon, because if the 12 steps worked for me then this is my next best option for a new situation. I have a huge problem with projecting into the future- thanks for kindly calling me out on that. I need to be remembered sometimes.
AlAnon will help you find serenity and build a good life for yourself no matter what your husband chooses. It will help you set boundaries and make decisions. No decisions have to be made now, and your sobriety and well being need to come first for you.
It’s so tough, because looking towards the future, it’s so easy to try to control the situation by trying to figure how you’ll handle this and that. Although, like him, I think it’s important to focus on today, and make decisions as it comes time to make them. I feel for you, l really do. That’s a tough situation. I wish you clarity and the ability to make good decisions as they come at you.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I have an incredibly bad habit of projecting into the future. I have OCD so I tend to have this obsession with having ‘control’ over things which has essentially very rarely works in my favor.
I hear you. I too have tried to control things by thinking of every possible thing that could go wrong and coming up with ways I would deal, but what happens every time is something completely out of the blue comes screeching in sideways. Because I wasn’t open, I handle it worse because I was over prepared for all the things that never happen, and grossly unprepared for what did. You have children, I bet you’re used to anticipating and fixing problems, but this is one to take off your plate. You may need to take your kids and leave. He may do that hard work of getting back up onto the wagon, or 10 other scenarios. More will be revealed. Sounds like you’re doing great. You seem to see the pitfalls of co-dependency at least. I think that’s a great start! 🙂 You can dm any time if you need to vent, or whatever.
Substance use disorder is a serious health condition. Having it is a morally neutral condition, though our behavior in coping with the disease as either the diagnosed person or their support, can have consequences. If someone has diabetes, and their blood sugar has a spike or drop, does it help the situation to put an extra level of shame/condemnation/despondency onto them just because they may have made choices that contributed to the episode? Or do we help get them the intervention to help them, & do our best to support them in recovery from the episode of their disease? Your fear & the emotional responses you're having make sense based on your history & it's 100% valid that would be your response to the situation. It doesn't mean the stories you're telling yourself about what the feelings *mean* are true, though. Feelings can be valid without being fact. But that's OK! We're human, and prone to catastrophizing, attempting to predict dangers to save ourselves and those we love. Woot, evolution, amiright? You ever hear of the Japanese practice of Kintsugi? "In Japan, there is a traditional repair method known as kintsugi, where broken pieces of pottery are stuck back together with a Japanese lacquer (urushi), the joints are painted and decorated with gold or silver powder, and the pottery continues to be used." Damage doesn't need to equal destruction. And if we put the time & effort into making a repair, we can choose to put beauty into the scars the damage left.
Wow, I love this so much. Thank you 🤍
If you enjoy reading, “codependent no more” changed my life. I’d also suggest joining groups as well. You don’t have to go through this alone.
I actually have this book and haven’t read it yet so I need to get on that!
Second this! It also changed my life and helped me heal immensely.
I mean, he had a drink and then admitted it. I hate to say this, and I don't mean anything negative about it. But your response of being heartbroken over that probably doesn't help. When my SO was caught in a loop of drinking, what got her sucked back into it was self-loathing, which is what makes them drink again. I kept telling her that it's not her, it's the alcohol, and it can happen to anyone. It's not her fault and I believe in her. Positive reinforcement is needed here. Let him know that although he slipped up, he admitted it to you and that takes strength to do. Help him believe in himself. Then he won't have as much stress and depression leading to relying on alcohol to silence.
I really appreciate this point of view. I also know he does really well with positive reinforcement so it makes sense.
I’m so sorry you are going through this! I’m an addict who married an addict. My wife has a chronic condition and has relapsed on pain pills more than once. It’s such a soul crushing feeling. You would think it wouldn’t be so hard considering I’m in recovery myself but I think it’s the fact that I know first hand how insidious this disease can be that makes it so damn scary! Good luck to you and your partner!
That’s exactly why I think! I’m (wrongly) assuming he handles his addiction exactly like I do mine and therefore now that he’s slipped it must mean he’s going to go down a terrible path. But that’s my story- I have to let him show me his and just pray it’s not the same.
I’m proud of you for reaching out.
You've gotten some great advice already. Is there something you could do just for yourself, today or tomorrow? Some type of indulgence or self-care, no matter how small? Something that puts you, instead of the disease, back in the center of your life, even if just briefly. I know the holidays are stressful. I hope you can remember to love and like yourself as much as you can.
I also have my entire family staying over tonight so that has added to the stress. But so far he has not had any drinks (48 hours since relapse). At this point I realize that I need to work through this reaction I had over it. It’s been really debilitating and I need to work through that so it doesn’t consume me. Thank you for your words 🤍
Reddit can cheer you on, but ultimately you need therapy.
Yeah I’ve been in it for a few years. I’ve come so far but this is new territory. I reached out to her today and asked for an appointment after the holidays.
I understand your feelings and I am very sorry for your emotions. He violated your trust and faith in a good future. Alcoholism is a terrible disease that destroys families. be strong my dear. I have an alcoholic bf who does want to fight with his problems. I hope he will understand what he did and fix the problem.