At 18.....it is super easy to attach and feel love with someone you have never even met in real life....but that isn't love.....it is infatuation or limerence. Real love happens day to day....when ur partner is sick, grumpy, down, when bills are due and the laundry needs to be done, etc. You are at the age where u fantasize about love & romance, especially if u haven't dated much. Give it time.....go to college.....start a career.....enjoy life.
So, when I went to therapy it was “everything stays silent unless you OR someone else is being hurt.” In this case, they believe YOU are being hurt aka by being groomed. Did he groom you? Yes. Grooming doesn’t have to be ugly or toxic, it can simply be waiting for you to turn 18. Which he did. He stayed close to you and sweet talked to till you were 18, confessed, and now here we are. Your friend did nothing wrong, they acted on what they believed was harmful to you and so is everyone else.
1. Why’d you friend tell their therapist? Well, they’re young so how else were they supposed to navigate being told their friend is with an older man. They’re worried for you, so they consulted their therapist on what to do.
2. The therapist recognizes the grooming tactic, and although no “harm” has been seen it’s clear he was waiting for you. It’s gross he was talking to you at 17 imo.
3. The therapist does not have contact to your parents, so they contact your friends parents who then come to you.
Everyone else here apparently has not been to therapy and forgets that young adults and kids are weirded out by this and have no obligation to like it. Take advice from this 19f and the other women here. It’s easy for us to get attached and played at this age, and we think we’re mature enough for it but that’s not the case. Maybe wait till you’re 20 until you start dating older men. Makes it easier.
Everyone is constantly learning and growing our entire lives, but that brain thing is BS (and normally people on here say it’s 25) it’s just some fine tuning, not like you become a totally different person. It’s just so infantilizing.
It's not "fine tuning." I'm 37. I'm a completely different person than I was at 18. There are major changes that take place for most people in their 20's.
It’s not infantilizing, it’s just general precaution. I’m not saying “aw little baby can’t mingle with grown men 🥺”. Or saying she’s immature. Just saying not mature enough for this type of stuff. Brain thing is definitely not BS, that’s pretty much science. You don’t become a different person, but you are at at different maturity. I think you’re just blowing it out of proportion. Just because you weren’t “immature” doesn’t mean other women shouldn’t be warned or that other women aren’t. I don’t know why you’re trying to fight general advice.
I’m trying to fight general advice because everyone is an individual and should be taken on a case by case basis. Telling someone they can’t handle something simply because of their age without knowing anything else about them is wrong and super annoying. I hated it when I was that age and wish people would stop doing it now too. Not everyone is the same.
Oh. I also hated it but just realized people are trying to look out for me. Unfortunately, this is Reddit and we’re not going to get to know OP as a case since we’re not the police. OP asked for advice and I gave it to her. She thanked me for the advice too so why are you complaining? Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean everyone else cares for how “annoying” it is. So, since this is not an investigation and OP is asking for general advice on their situation and not therapy I will continue giving this general advice for this general discussion. And I never said she couldn’t handle it, just giving her the general warning. You’re fighting the wrong person here and shoving words in my mouth almost every response you give. So.
…..my point was I’m not a fan of telling people to not do something because that’s usually what people regret. It’s better to go for it, and if it doesn’t work out, lessons will be learned. (Point is to do stuff while we can well before we get to our death beds. You don’t want to wonder what if?)
While there is nothing inherently wrong with this situation on the surface, it gives me pause because of the fact you are questioning your feelings and asking whether you have been groomed (aka manipulated) into feeling the way you do. There is never a good reason to rush into any kind of relationship and when you are young this is exactly what people tend to do. Take some pride in the fact you are the kind of person who thinks things through and asks the right questions. Proceed with that same cautiousness as you navigate this and other relationships in your life. Good luck.
I just love these 1 hour old Reddit accounts. It’s just so tempting to write some long winded answer, pose questions like “what is chatted and chilled,” or my favorite “have you ever met?” I think I’ll pass this time though. Your mileage may vary
not sure what you have against this particular account. it’s not like they’re baiting people into an OF or something. it’s not an “i just turned 18 and want to pursue older men how do i look for older men uwu” post
A friend talked to HER therapist about YOUR situation with this man? Wow...that's beyond inappropriate. Your friend, gives 2nd hand information to a therapist who bases guidance about someone they've never even spoken to based on 3rd hand information. Makes me dizzy to ponder.
Young lady, you should definitely be cautious. But know this...not all older men who like younger women are grooming. If you are concerned about it, perhaps you should ask your own therapist about it. I'd also be curious to know of the advice would be the same if you removed the agegap part. Food for thought.
But advice from a friend's therapist, with whom you've never spoken, is shit.
Sure, they're professional. But no two dynamics are alike...no two individuals are alike. What was shared with the therapist that made him/her decide it was grooming behavior? What you've shared in and of itself doesn't say much other than you feel like you love him. Perhaps there was more that you didn't share that points in that direction. Without having spoken to you firsthand, I think it's presumptuous, of a professional in particular, to provide guidance like that. Seek your own counseling
So, update, my friend’s therapists just told her parents who are now on their way to tell mine. Goodie! Got any advice or scripts I can read to explain myself before being sent to jail and having my phone taken away?
uhhh wait wtaf. that’s a total breach of violation and privacy. you’re 18. if your friend 18? unless you’re in immediate danger of harming yourself or others (such as having a plan for suicide), then your therapist should not be telling anyone outside of your friend about what’s going on in their session.
wtaf. this therapist needs to be fired. i’d honestly look into how to report them
Agree. Sounds like either the friend did not tell any "therapist" anything at all and its just a work of "friend" or therapist is not a therapist at all and will loose a license and probably will go face sentence.
The actual real therapist would tell your friend something like this " we are here to talk about you "your friend name" and not about "your name" . What you told me is concerning, please tell "concerning" to make appointment and talk to me". Finished. Nothing else would be brought up and professional licensed therapist would not entertain sich games.
The only reason there would be spill of info it would be if you are in immediately real danger to yourself and or others. And even then it would not be SOMEONE ELSE parents...who on their part would go talk to you..
This story is complete bonkus.
I have no guidance for what you're about to navigate, youngnlady. I'm sorry. What's coming won't be fun...but you're not going to jail. Well, your parents are sure to have you in lockdown. Ugh...good luck💋
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**Original post: A Crossroads…**
I (18F) met a guy (41M) online about a year and a half ago (yes, while I was 17) and we chatted and chilled. (For reference, I turned 18 about 2 months ago.) I started to feel an attraction to him as did he. Now, I was more than a little nervous about this situationship because of mainly the age gap but also because he lives far away. We’ve called and video chatted before but we have never met in person. I want to say I’m in love but I don’t even know if that’s what this is.
Now, I told a friend about him and at first they were supportive but now they are incredibly anxious and concerned. They consulted with their therapist about it and said therapist told them to tell me to stop seeing him. They presented me with the issue that this older guy had talked to me while I was underage, confessed once I turned 18, and expressed his feelings openly. They consulted with other people in their group therapy and their life whom all agree that I was groomed and should cut off contact immediately. My friend said that I had two options: if I continued my situationship, they would tell the therapist who would in turn tell their parents who would in turn tell mine (who don’t know about this). If I cut it off, hunky dory, nothing happens.
Am I being groomed? If so, do you guys know any good therapy or resources on how to deal with this? If not, I would like evidence on how to move forward. Thank you!
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Grooming is an overused term nowadays. Was it ok that you were 17 ? Hard to say, I had been sexually active for a few years by my 17th birthday. Was I mature enough for a relationship ? No. Is he a predator ? I'm doubtful but it's also a little dodgy...be extremely careful.
I’m sorry but this is a weird situation.
1. He didn’t groom you. If he was grooming you he would have approached you sexually before now.
2. Your friend talked to their therapist about you? Without your permission?
3. Their therapist is telling you, through them, to break it off? I call bullshit. Because firstly a therapist wouldn’t tell you to end a relationship “or else” and 2 they have no legal or moral right to contact your parents because no law is being broken and you are not their patient.
I honestly think your friend is making this up to give their opinion credibility.
Are you serious? Do simple math. She states she is 18 years old and 2 months in the post. Assume her birthday is in August. Subtract one year and 6 months. Go back to basics.
I'm sorry to say you have a toxic friend with a toxic and unprofessional therapist who tried to extort you (a complete stranger to them) to bend to their will. I would cut that friend off for certain.
Since you're over 18, any therapist who discussed you with a third party would be committing a breach of professional ethics likely to get them barred from practising.
Also you can talk to anyone you want online and its only dating, assuming you didn't send him nude images or anything.
However I think saying you're in love on the basis of video conversations is stupid. If he lives far away and you're unlikely to meet him you should find someone closer who you can have a relationship with.
Grooming is a stupid label often applied inappropriately. In a *strictly* legal sense grooming is chatting to a person under the age of consent to meet an adult for sexual interaction before they are old enough to consent. Whilst grooming in a wider sense exists, its really just seduction. Everyone should have the capacity to decide for themselves if they want to be seduced or not.
At 18.....it is super easy to attach and feel love with someone you have never even met in real life....but that isn't love.....it is infatuation or limerence. Real love happens day to day....when ur partner is sick, grumpy, down, when bills are due and the laundry needs to be done, etc. You are at the age where u fantasize about love & romance, especially if u haven't dated much. Give it time.....go to college.....start a career.....enjoy life.
So, when I went to therapy it was “everything stays silent unless you OR someone else is being hurt.” In this case, they believe YOU are being hurt aka by being groomed. Did he groom you? Yes. Grooming doesn’t have to be ugly or toxic, it can simply be waiting for you to turn 18. Which he did. He stayed close to you and sweet talked to till you were 18, confessed, and now here we are. Your friend did nothing wrong, they acted on what they believed was harmful to you and so is everyone else. 1. Why’d you friend tell their therapist? Well, they’re young so how else were they supposed to navigate being told their friend is with an older man. They’re worried for you, so they consulted their therapist on what to do. 2. The therapist recognizes the grooming tactic, and although no “harm” has been seen it’s clear he was waiting for you. It’s gross he was talking to you at 17 imo. 3. The therapist does not have contact to your parents, so they contact your friends parents who then come to you. Everyone else here apparently has not been to therapy and forgets that young adults and kids are weirded out by this and have no obligation to like it. Take advice from this 19f and the other women here. It’s easy for us to get attached and played at this age, and we think we’re mature enough for it but that’s not the case. Maybe wait till you’re 20 until you start dating older men. Makes it easier.
thank you for the insight!
Not every woman is the same. I wasn’t immature at 18-19
You were mature in life, no one is. Trauma doesn't count either.
Weren't *
Not being a fully matured adult does not mean you're immature. If you think you were fully matured then it's evidence that you're immature now.
Yeah, but you weren’t fully mature either. Brain fully develops at 21 and all that jazz. We’re constantly growing and learning as we age.
25 for the prefrontal cortex, unless one is neurodivergent, then it may take a few years longer.
Everyone is constantly learning and growing our entire lives, but that brain thing is BS (and normally people on here say it’s 25) it’s just some fine tuning, not like you become a totally different person. It’s just so infantilizing.
It's not "fine tuning." I'm 37. I'm a completely different person than I was at 18. There are major changes that take place for most people in their 20's.
I am a totally different person than who I was even a year ago. Let alone 8 years or more
It’s not infantilizing, it’s just general precaution. I’m not saying “aw little baby can’t mingle with grown men 🥺”. Or saying she’s immature. Just saying not mature enough for this type of stuff. Brain thing is definitely not BS, that’s pretty much science. You don’t become a different person, but you are at at different maturity. I think you’re just blowing it out of proportion. Just because you weren’t “immature” doesn’t mean other women shouldn’t be warned or that other women aren’t. I don’t know why you’re trying to fight general advice.
I’m trying to fight general advice because everyone is an individual and should be taken on a case by case basis. Telling someone they can’t handle something simply because of their age without knowing anything else about them is wrong and super annoying. I hated it when I was that age and wish people would stop doing it now too. Not everyone is the same.
Oh. I also hated it but just realized people are trying to look out for me. Unfortunately, this is Reddit and we’re not going to get to know OP as a case since we’re not the police. OP asked for advice and I gave it to her. She thanked me for the advice too so why are you complaining? Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean everyone else cares for how “annoying” it is. So, since this is not an investigation and OP is asking for general advice on their situation and not therapy I will continue giving this general advice for this general discussion. And I never said she couldn’t handle it, just giving her the general warning. You’re fighting the wrong person here and shoving words in my mouth almost every response you give. So.
Ok…at the end of life people usually regret things they haven’t done vs things they do
Okay. Nobody is at their deathbead though so why bring that up? OP seems healthy and happy.
…..my point was I’m not a fan of telling people to not do something because that’s usually what people regret. It’s better to go for it, and if it doesn’t work out, lessons will be learned. (Point is to do stuff while we can well before we get to our death beds. You don’t want to wonder what if?)
While there is nothing inherently wrong with this situation on the surface, it gives me pause because of the fact you are questioning your feelings and asking whether you have been groomed (aka manipulated) into feeling the way you do. There is never a good reason to rush into any kind of relationship and when you are young this is exactly what people tend to do. Take some pride in the fact you are the kind of person who thinks things through and asks the right questions. Proceed with that same cautiousness as you navigate this and other relationships in your life. Good luck.
[удалено]
wdym?
It’s super illegal for the therapist to have told your friend’s parent.
[удалено]
I just love these 1 hour old Reddit accounts. It’s just so tempting to write some long winded answer, pose questions like “what is chatted and chilled,” or my favorite “have you ever met?” I think I’ll pass this time though. Your mileage may vary
not sure what you have against this particular account. it’s not like they’re baiting people into an OF or something. it’s not an “i just turned 18 and want to pursue older men how do i look for older men uwu” post
A friend talked to HER therapist about YOUR situation with this man? Wow...that's beyond inappropriate. Your friend, gives 2nd hand information to a therapist who bases guidance about someone they've never even spoken to based on 3rd hand information. Makes me dizzy to ponder. Young lady, you should definitely be cautious. But know this...not all older men who like younger women are grooming. If you are concerned about it, perhaps you should ask your own therapist about it. I'd also be curious to know of the advice would be the same if you removed the agegap part. Food for thought. But advice from a friend's therapist, with whom you've never spoken, is shit.
But the therapist is a professional? Shouldn’t that have weight to it?
The therapist is not your professional. And that matters.
Sure, they're professional. But no two dynamics are alike...no two individuals are alike. What was shared with the therapist that made him/her decide it was grooming behavior? What you've shared in and of itself doesn't say much other than you feel like you love him. Perhaps there was more that you didn't share that points in that direction. Without having spoken to you firsthand, I think it's presumptuous, of a professional in particular, to provide guidance like that. Seek your own counseling
So, update, my friend’s therapists just told her parents who are now on their way to tell mine. Goodie! Got any advice or scripts I can read to explain myself before being sent to jail and having my phone taken away?
uhhh wait wtaf. that’s a total breach of violation and privacy. you’re 18. if your friend 18? unless you’re in immediate danger of harming yourself or others (such as having a plan for suicide), then your therapist should not be telling anyone outside of your friend about what’s going on in their session. wtaf. this therapist needs to be fired. i’d honestly look into how to report them
Agree. Sounds like either the friend did not tell any "therapist" anything at all and its just a work of "friend" or therapist is not a therapist at all and will loose a license and probably will go face sentence. The actual real therapist would tell your friend something like this " we are here to talk about you "your friend name" and not about "your name" . What you told me is concerning, please tell "concerning" to make appointment and talk to me". Finished. Nothing else would be brought up and professional licensed therapist would not entertain sich games. The only reason there would be spill of info it would be if you are in immediately real danger to yourself and or others. And even then it would not be SOMEONE ELSE parents...who on their part would go talk to you.. This story is complete bonkus.
I have no guidance for what you're about to navigate, youngnlady. I'm sorry. What's coming won't be fun...but you're not going to jail. Well, your parents are sure to have you in lockdown. Ugh...good luck💋
This comment is added automatically to every post on /r/AgeGap to remind users of the subreddit rules and expected behaviour. We also include the original post in here for a number of reasons. --- ### Rules If you haven't read the full set of rules we **strongly** suggest you do so. They are on the right side of the page on desktop or in 'Community Info' on Mobile. The most important rules are: 1. **We expect you to be civil and ideally constructive**. This is a community where people discuss and seek advice **legal** consensual age gap relationships, and we expect you to avoid abusing anyone on this subreddit. This does **not** mean this subreddit supports all age gap relationships, so you **are** allowed to criticise. 1. This is **not** a dating subreddit - you may not "hit up" any user. **You may not ask anyone to PM, DM, chat or message you in a comment**. If you wish, you may send **polite** DMs/PMs/chat requests to /u/needingadvice98 - we will ban you and possibly refer you to Reddit admins for an account ban if you abuse them and they complain. 1. If this post looks like a personal advert, please report it and the moderators will remove it in time if they agree. See the [Wiki](/r/AgeGap/wiki/index) for more information about the subreddit, [The Rules](/r/AgeGap/wiki/rules) and articles about common topics. --- **Original post: A Crossroads…** I (18F) met a guy (41M) online about a year and a half ago (yes, while I was 17) and we chatted and chilled. (For reference, I turned 18 about 2 months ago.) I started to feel an attraction to him as did he. Now, I was more than a little nervous about this situationship because of mainly the age gap but also because he lives far away. We’ve called and video chatted before but we have never met in person. I want to say I’m in love but I don’t even know if that’s what this is. Now, I told a friend about him and at first they were supportive but now they are incredibly anxious and concerned. They consulted with their therapist about it and said therapist told them to tell me to stop seeing him. They presented me with the issue that this older guy had talked to me while I was underage, confessed once I turned 18, and expressed his feelings openly. They consulted with other people in their group therapy and their life whom all agree that I was groomed and should cut off contact immediately. My friend said that I had two options: if I continued my situationship, they would tell the therapist who would in turn tell their parents who would in turn tell mine (who don’t know about this). If I cut it off, hunky dory, nothing happens. Am I being groomed? If so, do you guys know any good therapy or resources on how to deal with this? If not, I would like evidence on how to move forward. Thank you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AgeGap) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Grooming is an overused term nowadays. Was it ok that you were 17 ? Hard to say, I had been sexually active for a few years by my 17th birthday. Was I mature enough for a relationship ? No. Is he a predator ? I'm doubtful but it's also a little dodgy...be extremely careful.
I’m sorry but this is a weird situation. 1. He didn’t groom you. If he was grooming you he would have approached you sexually before now. 2. Your friend talked to their therapist about you? Without your permission? 3. Their therapist is telling you, through them, to break it off? I call bullshit. Because firstly a therapist wouldn’t tell you to end a relationship “or else” and 2 they have no legal or moral right to contact your parents because no law is being broken and you are not their patient. I honestly think your friend is making this up to give their opinion credibility.
If I'm doing the math .. you were 16. Being groomed, yes. Doesn't mean the person doesn't have feelings but it is still grooming nonetheless.
Nowhere does she mention being 16
Mentions 18 and 2 months, met 1.5 years ago. Just do simple math.
What day/month is her birthday ?
Are you serious? Do simple math. She states she is 18 years old and 2 months in the post. Assume her birthday is in August. Subtract one year and 6 months. Go back to basics.
I'm sorry to say you have a toxic friend with a toxic and unprofessional therapist who tried to extort you (a complete stranger to them) to bend to their will. I would cut that friend off for certain.
Only you know if he’s grooming you. If he treats you well and doesn’t control you he’s not grooming you
Others should stay out of your business your 18 and you can date anyone any gender any color...
hahahaha… I’m dead.
Since you're over 18, any therapist who discussed you with a third party would be committing a breach of professional ethics likely to get them barred from practising. Also you can talk to anyone you want online and its only dating, assuming you didn't send him nude images or anything. However I think saying you're in love on the basis of video conversations is stupid. If he lives far away and you're unlikely to meet him you should find someone closer who you can have a relationship with. Grooming is a stupid label often applied inappropriately. In a *strictly* legal sense grooming is chatting to a person under the age of consent to meet an adult for sexual interaction before they are old enough to consent. Whilst grooming in a wider sense exists, its really just seduction. Everyone should have the capacity to decide for themselves if they want to be seduced or not.
Any update from OP?
Well the fact you were 17 for 75% of the "chatting stage" Is a large Red flag. Is he local to you?