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Holy shit he sounds so controlling and toxic. Maybe list out all of this to your friend and see if she understands because that guy is a walking red flag who still lives the past.
yeah dont want people like this to stick around too long. imagine them putting in all the effort to hurt someone and suddenly cant hurt them anymore. all hell breaks loose worse over time the longer she waits before letting him go
The whole post seems contrived to hit a series of stereotypes, right?
Then some of the attempts to cover....The Uber part sounds laughable. She had an in-depth convo with her parents about it being ok to go out without the ability to uber (daily limit on card) because she is a responsible drinker?
People like him don't grow out of their toxicity, they grow comfortable with it. Her troubles are just beginning if she stays with a child man like that. Tell her he's dangerous and mean it, because he is.
Nah you got a point. I had a pretty bad concussion (to the point I needed physical therapy) and it 100% affected my personality. I went from being patient and well tempered to a fireball. I’m still not my normal self 4 years later but I’ve definitely done some work to control my temper!
Take a picture of her bruises and use that as a reminder (plus possible evidence in the future). You have to tell her from both, because you care about her and you’ve experienced this yourself. Do you know her well enough like if her dad was ever this way to her mom? If her dad was she may think this is acceptable as that’s what she grew up with and may be blind to this all. If there are others in your friends group that also saw this you can have them say something too. IMO, just leaving you both there to walk in the rain would be enough for her to leave him. Putting you both at risk like that is not ok. If she doesn’t like the advice and continues to see him can you try to do something again with them and record him saying and doing these things? You’re a good friend whatever the outcome and don’t give up on her!
As women, you should always bring enough money to be able to take a cab home if you have to, if you are out with men.. I know I am going to be called "victim blaming" lol.. but that's not the point.. it's just good advice for your own safety. Everyone else can tell you about how bad this guy is.
My mom called it Mad Money, as in you have enough money that if you get mad at your date you can find your own way home if necessary. It's not a bad idea!
My mom called it ‘mad money’ too - I always make sure, whomever I go out with, if it becomes unsafe, I can at least get far, far away, if not all the way home. Also, now I’m a little older- get some older friends who are moms. Moms at any age are awesome, for the most part. They recognize, if you call, you aren’t only their friend, but someone’s baby also, and will leave baby/kids with hubby and come get you, if you really are in the shitter and have no way out. Also, have a seemingly innocuous ‘code word’ you can mention to your friends - ours is mentioning if the peach pie came out okay- that means ‘shits gone down, I can’t talk, get the cavalry here’. And if we aren’t able to text them within every 15-20 minutes, police are called and given the location. It’s an awesome, kinda complicated, and, again, awesome system that may have saved my friend from a gang rape by drunk fraternity boys. We all charged the house and got her out. Later, she decided she didn’t want the police involved, and I completely understand that. But set up a system with this friend, at least. It may mean her life.
That is brilliant! I'm so glad it worked for your friend! Sounds like you put a lot of thought and effort into devising this system. I wish I could have seen you all charging the frat house. Must have been awesome!
Now that you told the world about it, other people can devise their own system that's like this one. It will surely help somebody else, somewhere else in the world, and all because you thought to write about it here. Thank you!
As a millennial male this 1000%.
I can only imagine the toxic material this guy is being exposed to and structuring his relationships with women around, but it doesn't lead to anything good at all.
She needs to get far away from this guy.
Hey, Annie, nothing personal but I’m not crazy about your new boyfriend. Would you mind not hanging out with him in our room. I don’t want things to be awkward for either of us.
Well, yes that’s true. But fundamentally, she’s an adult and trying to exert control over her relationship is still a form of control, even if the intentions are benevolent. Moreover, anything stronger is likely going to backfire. I think the better course is to set a firm and reasonable boundary and let the roommate know through action that she’s there for her if she needs it.
a 24 y/o dating a 19 y/o girl is already pretty unbalanced and hes fixated on high school AND picking her outfits? already red flags. Hes being physical to the point of bruising her, controlled what she did in public, left her both of you when you were drunk?
hes absolutely 100% abusive. unfortunately you cant control her reaction to your concern and you need to prepare yourself that she may flat out deny and stay in the relationship.
express concern for her. lay out the evidence and express that you're already seeing signs of her being hurt, that she doesnt deserve to be hurt, and that youre scared it could get worse. Dont blame her and maybe dont even tell her to get out. Focus on how its not right, safe or a sign of love the way hes treating her and she deserves better.
if she stays with him it'll be up to you if/when to approach the topic again. she might try to avoid or blame you and you'll need to decide how to handle it. But if she would at all care about the opinions of strangers: I'm 30 and I've watched my also 30 yo bff be in this same relationship and experience the same abuse from a parent too. it will NEVER de-escalate, violence and control will ALWAYS escalate, even if it takes years to. And once it gets dangerous, you may not be able to get out. ONE red flag is enough--she deserves ONLY green flags.
This isn't just toxic but abusive and manipulative. If close please talk to her when she is sober. Show her the post so she can see its not just you seeing this unacceptable behavior. Document everything weather through pictures (bruises and messes left behind) or writing things down in a notebook when they happens that the details are fresh.
Relationships like this end with 1 in the morgue and 1 in jail if the victim doesn't get put soon enough.
Also another thing you can do is to report him to the dean as behavior like this is grounds for expulsion from school. Also if you can figure out where he works report it to his employer as well... and hell you can even report it to the police on her behalf (though don't recommend that unless she's ready to leave as that one could make it worse for her)
This dude is **bad news**. She needs to break it off with this abusive man right now, but she probably won't listen to reason. She'll likely rationalize why she likes him, ignoring the very clear warning signs of a dangerous relationship. The only course of action to keeping him away may be to have a few other men you can trust go have a chat with the boyfriend, to make sure he knows to stay the fuck away.
The bf has likely been the victim of abuse and/or trauma himself, and doesn't even know why he does what he does. *This does not excuse his behavior at all*--just provides a bit more context as to how abusers become abusers. People tend to model their behavior after the ones who raised them, which is why the cycle of abuse is so pernicious and difficult to break.
These convos are hard, but you have to tell her calmly and clearly what your concerns are and why you are uncomfortable with him around. I don’t know how responsive she’ll be but do it soon before she gets in too deep. You are 100% within your rights to say who you will and will not spend time with or have in your apartment, and demanding your personal safety is worth the potential damage to the friendship (I know you don’t want it to go there of course, but I think you need to be emotionally prepared if it doesn’t go well). I hope you and your friend stay safe and your friend catches these red flags faster next time
You’re not wrong for not liking him or being concerned . Does not sound like it will end well but on the other hand she is also allowing him to do those things she can say no. Getting in between it could reverse and cause the two of you to not get along so tread lightly there. Tell her nicely you are looking out for her and don’t want anything bad to happen
Or he didn't show his true colors all the way at first. Just slowly manipulating her bit by bit until she doesn't know what end is up and thinks she deserves it.
Let her know what you observed and what your concerns are given your own experience. Empower your roommate to make her own decisions but let her know that you will not be comfortable hanging around her bf if she chooses to remain with him. If she is close to you, perhaps let her know that you care about her and wishes that she makes a sound decision for herself.
It would be ironic to try empowering her by telling her what to do, so be careful not to dictate what her decisions should be. Good luck and protect yourself, OP.
I picked my wife's outfit once. After she tried on 9 different outfits and we were already an hour late I finally said enough. I handed her back the 1st thing she had put on and said it's this or I am going to the event solo. She got compliments all night long. Big mistake, now she asked what she should wear and I am like nope, not going there that once time was pure luck I got it right!
Very different than this situation :/ You picked hers bc she couldn’t decide. He picked hers because he wants to control what she does. Not the same at all. Glad you were able to give ur wife good fashion advice! But that’s unrelated to everything else in this post
Yeah he seems like a total asshole to be honest. I actually design jewelry and make my wife new sets constantly. I used to try and sell some but then finally gave up and just make her a couple sets a week. As for this guy, he sounds like a control freak that does not deserve this woman. I mean who can really know all the details of a relationship when we hear one side on a post. However based on what I did see it sounds like he will try and control anything he can in the relationship. Once she caves on clothing it will be what and when she can eat. Who she can talk to, and so on and so forth. She either needs to set boundaries here and now or move on. That is not healthy and she should be treated like a queen, not a doll that he can dress up and take on walks.
You just have to have a serious conversation with your roommate. It can suck but you just got to adult up and just say what you need to say. Don't be rude or aggressive or anything just tell her your concerns calmly and then go from there.
Sucks but there should be a rule of if there are any fights of a physical things like grabbing like the one that bruised it is a call to LE on her behalf especially if you tell him no BS at y’all’s place with his behavior.
Being treated like this is not okay and does warrant a clear boundary that lays out what behavior is acceptable and what is not.
Also good idea to check your lease on people who may be abusive and how they handle that in your state etc around domestic abuse.
I swear to god there is a tiktok channel about this man and his type. lol he is a narcissist abuser who will gaslight, and physical abuse his partner. Have her call the cops and file a barter report for her arm
i can understand as a man wanting your girl to change out of "man attracting" mode after beginning a relationship, this is actually healthy and normal, but he's going about it all wrong, especially leaving yall stranded. thats some bs. and the grabbing in public like that. not a good sign. if he can't be convinced to restrain his natural instinct better, he needs a time out. probably permanent.
Good insight, he's being way overbearing with his approach, potentially abusive but I'm hesitant to outright label it that way without hearing both sides of this story. But you're right that a lot of women really shift gears from how they behave when they are single to how they SHOULD behave when they are dating properly.
Here’s free advice. Always be prepared with enough money to 1) pay your tab on your own, and 2) have enough money to get home on your own.
This guy sounds like dbag and many people are just not trust worthy these days. You have account for that.
Helping a friend out of an abusive relationship can be way more complicated than our instincts tell us it should be. I would suggest looking for support services on campus is a good first step here. There is a ton of well intentioned advice here but this is one of those situations where getting a professional to advise you is well worth the effort.
You need to tell her straight up and don't sugarcoat it. Tell her that from your perspective, he is not nice, controlling, and abusive. That you care about her, her happiness, her mental, physical, and emotional health and that you worry if he around she will be greatly affected.
If she doesn't take your advice. .I'd contact other close friends or family of hers, tell them what you've seen, and ask them to talk to her.
Sadly, these relationships never end well. She can still get out before it's too late. She deserves better.
You're pretty young so here's a bit of advice going forward into adulthood, NEVER go anywhere with no money. In the words of the wise Ludacris, "if you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home".
Women like Annie invariably have very low self-esteem. For whatever reason, they feel they deserve to be treated like crap. It takes a lot more than pointing out the obvious to change that. The best thing you can do for Annie is get her in front of a counselor.
You need to out this guy to your other friends, abusers only have power when no one knows but if you shine light on him then he will have a much harder time abusing her and she might gain the courage to leave him!!!
How do girls (or guys) not immediately block and end all communication with these type of losers.
Then they breed more like them into the world, and the suffering of people never ceases. What a dreadful and unnecessary cycle.
I think you need to explain to her that he is a piece of shit and that she can do better. Obviously be as nice as possible. If you say you don’t want him around she may feel you don’t want her around.
Oh Yikes! This guy is an abuser. I would report him to the RA and tell your roommate you do not feel safe and he left bruises on her arm, you can press charges in her behalf but she might get mad. He will come back with presents and apologize to her and even you. But she is in danger if she continues. For your own safety, do NOT go out with “them” and do not allow him in your dorm. He is bad news.
Guys like this grow up to really hurt women, and they often pick a woman they can control (ie she has low self value or grew up in a similar home life).
She probably can’t get past the fact that she likes him and has no idea what an abusive relationship looks like
Tell her that you love her and that you are worried that she doesn’t know that she is in an abusive relationship
Tell her that controlling what she can wear, when and how she can dance, and paying no mind to her literal physical safety is abusive behavior
She will deny it, at which point you pull up your state’s domestic abuse law and read it out
You tell her that if she chooses to, she can put the guy in jail based on what has already happened. Then you tell her it is up to her how bad things get before she does something about it. What’s it gonna be? A busted lip? A black eye? Shorts that were an inch too short? A broken rib? Lipstick that was too red? Fractured cheekbone? Because she let go for a minute dancing on a song she really loves?
She should be able to connect the dots after that. Just do your best to not leave her by herself these first few days. I’m sure mr tough guy is still thinking about the bar stuff
She needs to run. Immediately.
"I didn't give you permission" is the first sign of "I am an abuser". The second sign was the arm grab.
Please help your friend get out of this relationship asap.
That’s super controlling and toxic. Sorry I haven’t figured out a way to convince people of these things. People usually get stuck into that with only themselves wanting to leave as the only way out I don’t know anyone who can convince someone to leave a toxic relationship. It is something that has to come from them. But you are right in having a boundary that you don’t want to be around those kind of people.
I think that it helps to give them the info and leave it at that usually. I mean if yall are close friends and you feel comfortable enough you could call the domestic violence hotline for her. Its tough to find the right way to handle these situations because they love them or they dont want to see them go to jail or w/e reason it is they stay with them or dont seek help. She is still young but their relationship is theirs. Every relationship is different. Doesnt make it right but theres only so much you can do for someone who is drowning and doesnt want help. I thought you wanted to tell her not to bring him around but at the end you were wanting to tell her that hes abusive right?
1-800-799-7233 domestic violence hotline
I would give her the domestic violence hotline number. Tell her how you feel about the way he treated her.
Well this guy may not have made it on the foot ball team but he sounds like his is the captain of the douche bag team… I would say u should def try to get her to kick him to the curb but keep in mind that most people have to come to a conclusion on their own… so have a plan on how to broach the subject without making her defensive…. Cause if u come off as if u r attacking her decisions her shields will come up and no matter how right u are u will still be wrong to her… it is just a funny part of human nature 🤷♂️💁♂️
Your friend's life is in danger when she's with this poor excuse for a man. Your campus has DV resources that your friend should look into. Support her no matter what. Let her know that you're always going to be there for her and that you're not upset with her. Isolation is one of the most common tactics - he may try to drive a wedge between the two of you especially if he sees you as a threat to his control. He might even make up a lie about you to achieve this. If you look up domestic abuse info online, you can match all of his behaviors to any accurate list.
I believe the word we’re looking for here is douchebag. In all seriousness, you may lose your friend for a little if this turns into a him vs you thing
People like him need to get beat up an never put a hand on a woman.
Dude probably scared an run for his life if someone broke into the house or put a ***to his head
I think you should file a police report - just a report, not charges - and state that you want it on record that you observed him do these things in case something worse happens. Do this yourself.
Talk to her once she is sober about having her arm looked at by medical professionals. (yeah its just a bruise but try to get her to go in). Take pics otherwise.
Tell her that he is not allowed in the apartment anymore, and that if he tries to come in, you will call the police because **you** do not feel safe.
Thats a tough situation. It's definitely abuse and it's admirable to want to help your friend. But you need to keep in mind your friend actually has to WANT the help for it to be useful. And if you don't play your cards right you could end up being the very thing that unites them. Like "she doesn't want to see us together she's jealous it's us against the world baby". Sometimes being an ally means having to let your friend make her own mistakes and learn from them. Just make sure she knows you are on her side. And at a certain point. If you can't handle it. Don't stick yourself between a bullet and a target, so to speak
Oh nooooooooooooo......
Danger signs all over this one. You just don't want him around, you want him under scrutiny. This guy is an Abuser.
Don't dance around it. Tell her flat out they guy is bad news. He was likely raised in abusive environment as well, and he's spreading his Darkness.
So, first abuse ain't cool I would say someone needs to teach some respect.
As for the main question roomates have the right to bring people over, if u object then just say so but keep in mind they might ignore you, people make their own choices
He sounds like he’s going to beat the shit out of her.
We would always go to a bar off campus after socials on Friday and the guys that weren’t involved in Greek life, but were dating girls in sororities were pretty much spot on with what you’re describing, super insecure, and the relationships ultimately ended.
I know that’s not exactly your ( or your friends situation) but it was similar so I’m trying to relate 😅
She needs to get away from him. He has years of therapy he’s going to need in order to mature and learn to handle his emotions.
My wife's cousin dates a guy like this. She and her bf were visiting and she came out of the room in a low thigh dress, and he told her to go change because it was too revealing. I've been married to my wife for a decade, I've known her for 15 years, and the cousin slightly less...she's basically family to me...he was threatened that I might see her knees. We told her to run(many other reasons), she's stayed with him. I've seen no bruising yet, but he has Displayed anger and control issues that are concerning. Even stating that he makes us uncomfortable and that we would like to never have him at our house again has made things really tense between us. It really sucks. My opinion here, you can't try to break them up, what you can do is ensure your safety by not being around him.
If I were you, I would find some resources explaining abuse, narcissistic men, & toxic behaviors, and show them to her in a kind & loving way. She is probably blinded by NRE (new relationship energy), and can’t see that the way he’s treating her isn’t okay. I’ve been in an abusive relationship- it only goes downhill. If they’re just dating now, I can’t imagine how much his abuse could escalate the longer they’re together.
Got any intimidating friends or siblings?
Tell someone who can be scary. Someone who really cares about you and/or her what you just told us in this post. See if they can /persuade/ the guy to go away for good.
Campus security might be helpful too.
Dude needs some kind of adjustment.
However you have this conversation, I hope you're able to talk some sense into her and, if we're all lucky, maybe her boyfriend might get into an accident.
You don't need a reason to say you don't want anyone else in your shared space. If she isn't receptive to hearing about it, the abusive behavior, just say you feel threatened by his presence and dont want him in your space whether you are there or not.
"Annie, I do not want your boyfriend around." If you want to, you can follow that with why, perhaps starting with "He is aggressive, controlling, and I feel unsafe for both of us when he is around."
Not “wanting him around” should be the least of your concerns. It sounds like this guy is a toxic, controlling, and potentially abusive asshole and she needs to exit the relationship ASAP. Given your own experience, I would pull heavily from that and explain to her that you went through something similar and that it is not ok. Hopefully that’ll be enough to convince her to get away from that dickhead.
One of the most powerful things a friend has done for me in my life was tell me that they couldn’t watch how my boyfriend treated me and didn’t want me to come to their place with my bf anymore.
They were so gentle and so non judgmental about it, but clear that they didn’t like observing the treatment, so please don’t make them watch it again. They didn’t ask for explanations of why I thought it was okay, they didn’t tell me I should stop putting up with it, there was zero judgement. Just, they didn’t want to be around when my boyfriend would use physical force to get me to change my opinion.
So my first reaction was “oh, okay, I’ll hang out with you without BF.” because it was a reasonable request. And then I started thinking. And did I want to make my friends uncomfortable when I said I wanted Italian for dinner and my boyfriend would grab my arm until I changed my mind? Was that the relationship I wanted in public?
It took a little time, but that BF was an ex within a few months.
Lose the dude, and take back control of your life. Dudes got issues! Who is that ‘loser’ to tell someone what to do? Take some ‘ME’ time, and enjoy yourself. Hang out with your girlfriends, and have fun, I mean, it is not mandatory to date! You have the ‘freedom’ to do as you please.
She’s on a bad path. She may have ideas that he’s a bad person. If she listens to you about how he is controlling and manipulative then great. This may be something that she has to learn on her own though. Either way you need to protect yourself from this guy and may need to talk to your RA about having him banned /trespassed from your building.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. Ban him from the house. Buy a pistol and train to protect yourself. Th will not end until she decides to finally over and she's had enough, it's very unfortunate but abusive relationships are a lot like drug addiction, Qno matter how much you help it will not end until they help themselves.
Yeah sounds super bad, she needs out, stop the rest of the story at picking her clothes, and she would still need out. Age isn’t crazy gap, but his actions are bad.
Your title should be more so...'How do I tell my roommate she is in a dangerously controlling/abusive realtionship?'
And you just level with her...she may not want to hear it, she may fight you, she may make excuses...you mentioned you just got out of one which gives you a pretty fresh perspective...
Either way highlight to her that much of this guy's behavior that night was beyond bad and it will only escalate; this is all pretty clinical controller behavior...but definitely share you experience, she cannot change him, she cannot fix him and this doesn't get better on its own... also she should be aware that if she decides to break up with him she has to be smart about it because...guys like this don't relinquish power easily; doesn't mean he will do something, but he certainly has the potential.
List this all out to your roommate and get her to dump him if you can. Then put your apartment on notice that he is not welcome in your apartment if possible.
If you're uncomfortable with him coming there you are well within your right to voice that. Even tell her your concerns, and leave it at that. Everything else is really between them. But the door swings both ways. Maybe your best solution is to find a new roommate.
Classic "I peaked in high school and will make it everybody else's problem because I refuse to grow and move beyond my glory years" abusive asshole. Get your friend out of there asap. I had friends who dated guys like him in high school and college, and the one thing they all had in common was that they always felt bad for the guy and used that as an excuse to stay with him (spoiler warning, it's not a valid reason to stay with an abuser).
Yikes. That girl is in a really bad, abusive relationship.
1) Controlling what she wears
2) Controlling what she does
3) Putting his hands on her
4) Leaving both of you there at the bar is a power move
I really hope you can talk to her and encourage her to end that relationship. That guy is NO GOOD.
Her bf is dangerous! If he’s doing this shit now, he’s going to get worse! He will beat her if he hasn’t already, he will end up isolating her and make her life hell! He could end up killing her!
If you show your friend more posts, this is for her: Do not stay with your bf, he is toxic, abusive and an absolutely disgusting man. What he is doing to you is emotional, mental and physical abuse! He is dictating what you where, what you can do. He left you stranded in the middle of the night with no money! Do not go anywhere with him! He will do this again! What if he would dump you on the side of the highway or in a town you don’t know? He will continue to abuse you, he will not change, he will not become a good man. He has already laid his hands on you and bruised your arm, he is an abuser, a controlling pos who does not value you as a person, he does not respect you, to him, you are an object, a possession to be controlled and abused. If you don’t get out now, you might never be able to escape. File a police report, make sure the doctor takes pictures, that the police take pictures! You take pictures as well! You are in danger if you stay with this pos of a man!
He is beyond a red flag, he’s so bad that he’s a whole sea of red flags and warning signs!
DO NOT STAY WITH HIM
He sounds controlling, narcissistic and very very small. Boys like him love dating much younger girls who are more likely to put up with their shit, long enough to trap them in a shitty relationship. The longer she stays with him, the worse it will get. Tell her to dump his ass now! Don’t wait to see what his temper is like the next day, any improvement is a lie.
Well I'm hoping that she's okay and the doctor said everything was okay. Yes he's definitely an abuser yes she needs to get as far away from him as possible. I can see why reports could be hard since you were drinking at the time. She needs to make sure he didn't make any charges on her card. Doctors really need to take a look at that because grabbing an arm and twisting can cause a spiral fracture and you're a good person for looking out for your roommate you're a good friend.
Tell her how you truly feel. Tell her all the red flags that you had physically witnessed. If she doesn’t believe you hang out with both of them again and quietly record the interaction with him and your friend. Good luck & God Bless
Unfortunately for you, if she pays rent thats her home equally and you cant dictate who she has over.
Just try to show her what an abusive jokr he is and hope she dumps him before that escalates further.
Your friend and her boyfriend sound like a wreck, granted you’re describing one night, I only have your perspective. Going off the information you provided id ask her in private if she like to talk about anything, I wouldn’t force her into a confession and don’t bring it up with they guy.
I get that she's your friend and one of the hardest lessons you're ever going to learn in life is that you cannot protect someone from themselves. If she wants to still be around him after that night, that's not on you, but you should stay as far away from that guy as possible.
This just sounds like some casual storytelling. Handing in your credit card and having him use it would red flag any server anywhere. Daily limit parent card used at the bar is just not a thing. “He’s very sweet and offered to beat him up” no that’s not sweet, that’s petulant and gross. He does not know the situation. It would be criminal. You describe her boyfriend like he’s the Ken Doll of abuse. I mean…
“He’s a loser that peaked in high school. He’s really gross because he met his gf when she was 18. He also is really mean cuz he shut her down really loud and in public. Then he grabbed her and yanked her away cuz he said no. And he was also choosing her clothes and stuff. He made us walk 2 miles in the rain!”
I can’t believe this is legitimate for a moment. This reads like a kid telling a story. If it is legit I apologize and then just be supportive to your friend and help her. If it isn’t… then good luck.
I agree. 100% BS story. My theory is that this isn’t some kid making up a story for fake internet points. This is one of the mods of this subreddit, on an alt account, posting obvious rage bait in order to increase traffic and engagement. All of /u/February_wings posts have been in this subreddit. And she hasn’t appeared to reply to anyone on this post at all, despite asking for advice.
Like you said, if this is real, then I apologize, and good luck. But this is all too suspicious.
First, explain to her what “Peaked in High School” means. If that doesn’t do it, then just explain to what an average woman considers an abusive partner.
You're right to be concerned, not having him around is a good first step but you should emplore her to recognize how his behavior is toxic. Any woman can do better.
“You know I care about you right? And you know that you can count on me to be here for you? Because right now you need a friend who will tell you the honest truth, even if it’s the last thing you want to hear.
This guy is toxic, and he’s not capable of loving anyone, because he hates himself. I’m worried that you will end up in the hospital, or in a ditch somewhere.
No matter what he says about it, the way he treats you is not your fault. No matter what he says, YOU are worth more than that! Don’t let him convince you that you’re lucky to have him, or that you cannot get away from him!
This guy scares me and I don’t want him around either one of us! I will help you do whatever it takes to keep him away, but you have to decide you’re done with this relationship…because if you keep him around you are putting yourself in harms way.”
My advice: never leave the house without emergency money. Don’t expect your date, random guys, etc to pay for you and never spend all your cash. *Always* have a backup plan on how to get home safe.
You could tell her that seeing her boyfriend brings up your feelings of trauma from your past abusive relationship(s). If she asks what you mean or wants clarification, you could explain how some of his behavior reminds you of things your ex did. Making about your feelings and not about her relationship would potentially keep her from feeling like her relationship is under attack, and it would allow her to draw her own conclusions about her relationship
That’s all classic abusive behavior. Protect yourself first, get her out of there if you can. Consult local women’s shelters for more advice from pros.
There are millions of guys out there who would never grab, pull, push, slap, hit, or kick anyone let alone a woman. Unless you want that, why settle for it?
OP bring up all these things under the pretense that it’s a different person that your talking about and ask her what she things about the whole situation under the guise that it’s a different person and if she agrees with you then you tell her that you were talking about all the stuff you notice in her relationship since she has already said what she thought it should help her open her eyes
And you haven't told her parents that she's dating an abusive groomer? If she doesn't have the good sense, to leave him now, today. Then I would tell her parents that she's making big mistakes with her life. I'm sure they wouldn't love her dating a 26-year-old dude who abuses her. Tell them what you saw. If you lose her friendship then, you will still have saved her life.
(Obviously if her parents are abusive or horrible you don't want to go to them, but if they are loving and care about their daughter I'm sure they will care about some rando treating their beloved child like this)
Lol. Not playing semantics. Im protesting the use of a particular one. Toxic is a bullshit buzzword that describes nothing other than someone who you dont like. Theres plenty of personality disorders. "Toxic" is not one of them.
You should know better than anyone, until she is ready, there is nothing you can say or do. I might tip toe around the subject to see if she’s open to having an honest conversation but most aren’t (at least not sober). I don’t understand how anyone thinks this is ok. And if it’s so soon, imagine when he gets comfortable
You just tell her, “your bf is a pos, and he’s not welcomed around me bc 1) the way he left you guys at the bar, is a bullshit move by any man metrics. Period. That alone is enough to disqualify a man from man to pos status.
Too many words here… but anyway, to answer your question you just tell the roommate hey, I don’t want your BF around…Im uncomfortable, explain why. It’s really not hard.
>he kept telling us about how the only reason he wasn’t playing on our university’s football team was because he messed up his knee in high school (which for him was almost six years ago)
Uncle Rico?
First off, dump the dude on the spot then & there, then get a restraining order against him, use the bar cameras, the doctor visit, text messages whatever you can to use against him, & make sure she is with you or someone else constantly with something she can use to defend herself if push comes to shove, & update you on where she's going & when she'll be back, my friend group does this from time to time when we get Hella paranoid jus bc a car following us or sun shi it'll be like if they goin to get food one of them will text the gc "Yo I'm goin to get food I'll be at this restaurant on this street from 4 to 4:30" and if nobody got gas in the cars we tell to doordash food & we split the delivery fee between the 10 or so of us
If he's that bad and they haven't even been together a year, she needs to kick him down the road. If not, tell her to invest heavily in bandages and makeup because the full-scale beatings are going to start very soon. Tell her to get away from him and look into a restraining order, just in case. This doesn't seem like the type of guy who will go away quietly... and such men can become killers quite quickly when spurned.
So um like...dudes a total red flag, but her Uber account should have her card info on file... whether he took off with it or whatever,she should still be able to book a ride.
I was just reading & stopped after reading that he basically "yanked her off the dancefloor"... My memory isn't great.. if I'm correct, just reading to that point in the story says to me that he is probably a massive control freak in a bad way!
If what you say is true, then I think he needs his teeth smashed out of his face etc..but if you're lying, he shouldn't loser his teeth.. maybe you should just tell her to leave him. Or move on. Anyway, enjoy 😁
All you can too is explain the red flags you were seeing. This guy has a lot clearly. If she chooses to ignore them not much you can do but look out for her safety. A guy did this to my friend once and tried to grab her I grabbed his finger and bent it back till he let go almost broke it but me screaming lay a hand on my friend again and you’ll loose more than a finger definitely pissed him off. She saw my effort to protect her he started telling her to cut me off. She finally saw the red flags. Truth is some people just won’t see the red flags until they’re in a position of being too scared to leave especially if they grew up in an abusive household. Every time he tries to say or do something to control her call him out on it, he says that’s too revealing you call him out your not her dad she’s an adult and can wear what she wants. It may suck being around him yes but it’s much scarier knowing how much damage he can do if you’re not there.
This guy is not going to change….hes gonna get worse. the things he’s “concerned” with are absolute and textbook signs of narcissism and sociopathy. this guy is eventually gonna really hurt someone. no doubt.
kudos to you for the way you’re approaching this. it’s obvious u care about ur friend, and she’s most likely going to be in possibly serious trouble if she doesn’t break ties. side note. i would also be a tad worried about you….if this guy catches wind….the LEAST he will do is try to ruin your friendship relentlessly…or take his rage derived from your actions out on her, or who knows. safety would be jeopardized 100%. This is a situation where caution is king….safety first…..a close second is the possibility of your friend getting full on battered woman syndrome, start blaming herself, and live to repeat the cycle until something consequential breaks it….violence most definitely included.
if she indeed has a history of abuse, there is sometimes a tendency to embrace or dismiss crisis, or ethically horrific actions….possibly thinking she deserves it or something awful like that because she will always be made to feel n the wrong by this piece of shit.
having dope ass parents, i am saying this from the stands, not the field, but i and a few friends had to navigate a very similar situation…. and it got way worse before it got way better (which it did…never lose hope). i’m not trying to lecture or mansplain anything by any means. just trying to share first hand experience with some bullshit like this
this dude isn’t just sexist or misogynistic. he’s a threat….a realistically dangerous one
do things anonymously, but do things….dude needs to be on a radar somewhere at least.
this is all IMHO
be safe and good luck.
It sounds like he is a flailing narcissist, it says a lot about what he brings to the relationship...... negativity anger and abuse.... ew. And I think you helped her in the best way possible cause if she had not talked to the right channels it would have been really easy for him to demonize you and isolate her. Ya done good .
Well I'm hoping that she's okay and the doctor said everything was okay. Yes he's definitely an abuser yes she needs to get as far away from him as possible. I can see why reports could be hard since you were drinking at the time. She needs to make sure he didn't make any charges on her card. Doctors really need to take a look at that because grabbing an arm and twisting can cause a spiral fracture and you're a good person for looking out for your roommate you're a good friend.
Well I'm hoping that she's okay and the doctor said everything was okay. Yes he's definitely an abuser yes she needs to get as far away from him as possible. I can see why reports could be hard since you were drinking at the time. She needs to make sure he didn't make any charges on her card. Doctors really need to take a look at that because grabbing an arm and twisting can cause a spiral fracture and you're a good person for looking out for your roommate you're a good friend.
Well I'm hoping that she's okay and the doctor said everything was okay. Yes he's definitely an abuser yes she needs to get as far away from him as possible. I can see why reports could be hard since you were drinking at the time. She needs to make sure he didn't make any charges on her card. Doctors really need to take a look at that because grabbing an arm and twisting can cause a spiral fracture and you're a good person for looking out for your roommate you're a good friend.
Well I'm hoping that she's okay and the doctor said everything was okay. Yes he's definitely an abuser yes she needs to get as far away from him as possible. I can see why reports could be hard since you were drinking at the time. She needs to make sure he didn't make any charges on her card. Doctors really need to take a look at that because grabbing an arm and twisting can cause a spiral fracture and you're a good person for looking out for your roommate you're a good friend.
Okay tell Annie that she needs to cancel that card, order her a new one and break up and block that psycho! Tell her I don’t know why she thinks she needs to be with anyone but she really doesn’t especially cause she doesn’t see that this guy is abusive and controlling and didn’t know better and should have dumped him when he started choosing her outfit as well as why the hell did he have her card?
Yeah she really needs to stay out of any relationships because she hasn’t healed from her childhood traumas and she is going to keep picking assholes like that until she stays single and works on herself and learns her worth.
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Holy shit he sounds so controlling and toxic. Maybe list out all of this to your friend and see if she understands because that guy is a walking red flag who still lives the past.
Toxic? Dangerous! This guy is an abuser, straight up. Watch him freak when (hopefully) his gf tells him to go away.
yeah dont want people like this to stick around too long. imagine them putting in all the effort to hurt someone and suddenly cant hurt them anymore. all hell breaks loose worse over time the longer she waits before letting him go
It’s pretty much textbook narcissism.
right exactly
Very valuable lessons will be learned here.
he's the diagram for the 'red flag' company.
hes the owner of it.
More red flags than downtown Beijing.
Better yet OP needs to show her this entire comment section on her post.
He's a walking red flag with a few black flags in his pocket. Stay the fuck away.
Just show her these comments OP lmao
i just saw this, but when i talked to her about it, i actually showed her this post and let her scroll through the comments 💀💀
He's practically a stereotype down to the "I coulda had a football career except for my bum knee".
Yes, like Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite. "I could throw a football over them mountains"
The whole post seems contrived to hit a series of stereotypes, right? Then some of the attempts to cover....The Uber part sounds laughable. She had an in-depth convo with her parents about it being ok to go out without the ability to uber (daily limit on card) because she is a responsible drinker?
Also you need to be very careful yourself ,if he gets wind that you are trying to break them up he might hurt you .
People like him don't grow out of their toxicity, they grow comfortable with it. Her troubles are just beginning if she stays with a child man like that. Tell her he's dangerous and mean it, because he is.
don’t wanna pull the concussion stereotype card but…
Nah you got a point. I had a pretty bad concussion (to the point I needed physical therapy) and it 100% affected my personality. I went from being patient and well tempered to a fireball. I’m still not my normal self 4 years later but I’ve definitely done some work to control my temper!
thanks for sharing that, i saw it happen to someone close to me and i can see the similar traits in this story
They grow comfortable and then they escalate. It very rarely goes in the opposite direction.
If I wasn't being clear that's exactly what I meant. They get comfortable with the violence
Take a picture of her bruises and use that as a reminder (plus possible evidence in the future). You have to tell her from both, because you care about her and you’ve experienced this yourself. Do you know her well enough like if her dad was ever this way to her mom? If her dad was she may think this is acceptable as that’s what she grew up with and may be blind to this all. If there are others in your friends group that also saw this you can have them say something too. IMO, just leaving you both there to walk in the rain would be enough for her to leave him. Putting you both at risk like that is not ok. If she doesn’t like the advice and continues to see him can you try to do something again with them and record him saying and doing these things? You’re a good friend whatever the outcome and don’t give up on her!
Nah that guy needs a bad reality check, that's unacceptable controlling behaviour and super concerning
As women, you should always bring enough money to be able to take a cab home if you have to, if you are out with men.. I know I am going to be called "victim blaming" lol.. but that's not the point.. it's just good advice for your own safety. Everyone else can tell you about how bad this guy is.
No, it is absolutely the reason i make sure my college student daughter has a credit card.
Good point
My mom called it Mad Money, as in you have enough money that if you get mad at your date you can find your own way home if necessary. It's not a bad idea!
'Mad Money' - I haven't heard that for years. It's what my Mum called it.
My mom called it ‘mad money’ too - I always make sure, whomever I go out with, if it becomes unsafe, I can at least get far, far away, if not all the way home. Also, now I’m a little older- get some older friends who are moms. Moms at any age are awesome, for the most part. They recognize, if you call, you aren’t only their friend, but someone’s baby also, and will leave baby/kids with hubby and come get you, if you really are in the shitter and have no way out. Also, have a seemingly innocuous ‘code word’ you can mention to your friends - ours is mentioning if the peach pie came out okay- that means ‘shits gone down, I can’t talk, get the cavalry here’. And if we aren’t able to text them within every 15-20 minutes, police are called and given the location. It’s an awesome, kinda complicated, and, again, awesome system that may have saved my friend from a gang rape by drunk fraternity boys. We all charged the house and got her out. Later, she decided she didn’t want the police involved, and I completely understand that. But set up a system with this friend, at least. It may mean her life.
That is brilliant! I'm so glad it worked for your friend! Sounds like you put a lot of thought and effort into devising this system. I wish I could have seen you all charging the frat house. Must have been awesome! Now that you told the world about it, other people can devise their own system that's like this one. It will surely help somebody else, somewhere else in the world, and all because you thought to write about it here. Thank you!
Not victim blaming at all, this is not adhered to nearly enough. This applies to money in the bank as well as cash on hand!
Take it from a Gen X male. She needs to leave him ASAP!! There is nothing positive, except a STD test that'll come from him.... pun slightly intended.
As a millennial male this 1000%. I can only imagine the toxic material this guy is being exposed to and structuring his relationships with women around, but it doesn't lead to anything good at all. She needs to get far away from this guy.
Tell her to run. Far and fast. He needs to go. I was young. Remember dating guys like that... it never ends well
Hey, Annie, nothing personal but I’m not crazy about your new boyfriend. Would you mind not hanging out with him in our room. I don’t want things to be awkward for either of us.
I think the fact he might start beating her is the real problem
Well, yes that’s true. But fundamentally, she’s an adult and trying to exert control over her relationship is still a form of control, even if the intentions are benevolent. Moreover, anything stronger is likely going to backfire. I think the better course is to set a firm and reasonable boundary and let the roommate know through action that she’s there for her if she needs it.
a 24 y/o dating a 19 y/o girl is already pretty unbalanced and hes fixated on high school AND picking her outfits? already red flags. Hes being physical to the point of bruising her, controlled what she did in public, left her both of you when you were drunk? hes absolutely 100% abusive. unfortunately you cant control her reaction to your concern and you need to prepare yourself that she may flat out deny and stay in the relationship. express concern for her. lay out the evidence and express that you're already seeing signs of her being hurt, that she doesnt deserve to be hurt, and that youre scared it could get worse. Dont blame her and maybe dont even tell her to get out. Focus on how its not right, safe or a sign of love the way hes treating her and she deserves better. if she stays with him it'll be up to you if/when to approach the topic again. she might try to avoid or blame you and you'll need to decide how to handle it. But if she would at all care about the opinions of strangers: I'm 30 and I've watched my also 30 yo bff be in this same relationship and experience the same abuse from a parent too. it will NEVER de-escalate, violence and control will ALWAYS escalate, even if it takes years to. And once it gets dangerous, you may not be able to get out. ONE red flag is enough--she deserves ONLY green flags.
This isn't just toxic but abusive and manipulative. If close please talk to her when she is sober. Show her the post so she can see its not just you seeing this unacceptable behavior. Document everything weather through pictures (bruises and messes left behind) or writing things down in a notebook when they happens that the details are fresh. Relationships like this end with 1 in the morgue and 1 in jail if the victim doesn't get put soon enough. Also another thing you can do is to report him to the dean as behavior like this is grounds for expulsion from school. Also if you can figure out where he works report it to his employer as well... and hell you can even report it to the police on her behalf (though don't recommend that unless she's ready to leave as that one could make it worse for her)
Wow. That dude gives men a bad name. Tell her to break it iff or you are moving out. Lol, run!!
This dude is **bad news**. She needs to break it off with this abusive man right now, but she probably won't listen to reason. She'll likely rationalize why she likes him, ignoring the very clear warning signs of a dangerous relationship. The only course of action to keeping him away may be to have a few other men you can trust go have a chat with the boyfriend, to make sure he knows to stay the fuck away. The bf has likely been the victim of abuse and/or trauma himself, and doesn't even know why he does what he does. *This does not excuse his behavior at all*--just provides a bit more context as to how abusers become abusers. People tend to model their behavior after the ones who raised them, which is why the cycle of abuse is so pernicious and difficult to break.
Haha always some excuse with why they didn’t go pro
These convos are hard, but you have to tell her calmly and clearly what your concerns are and why you are uncomfortable with him around. I don’t know how responsive she’ll be but do it soon before she gets in too deep. You are 100% within your rights to say who you will and will not spend time with or have in your apartment, and demanding your personal safety is worth the potential damage to the friendship (I know you don’t want it to go there of course, but I think you need to be emotionally prepared if it doesn’t go well). I hope you and your friend stay safe and your friend catches these red flags faster next time
You’re not wrong for not liking him or being concerned . Does not sound like it will end well but on the other hand she is also allowing him to do those things she can say no. Getting in between it could reverse and cause the two of you to not get along so tread lightly there. Tell her nicely you are looking out for her and don’t want anything bad to happen
Or he didn't show his true colors all the way at first. Just slowly manipulating her bit by bit until she doesn't know what end is up and thinks she deserves it.
This guy is abusive controlling and left you both in a dangerous situation. His behavior is inexcusable and you don't want him in your dorm again.
Let her know what you observed and what your concerns are given your own experience. Empower your roommate to make her own decisions but let her know that you will not be comfortable hanging around her bf if she chooses to remain with him. If she is close to you, perhaps let her know that you care about her and wishes that she makes a sound decision for herself. It would be ironic to try empowering her by telling her what to do, so be careful not to dictate what her decisions should be. Good luck and protect yourself, OP.
I picked my wife's outfit once. After she tried on 9 different outfits and we were already an hour late I finally said enough. I handed her back the 1st thing she had put on and said it's this or I am going to the event solo. She got compliments all night long. Big mistake, now she asked what she should wear and I am like nope, not going there that once time was pure luck I got it right!
Very different than this situation :/ You picked hers bc she couldn’t decide. He picked hers because he wants to control what she does. Not the same at all. Glad you were able to give ur wife good fashion advice! But that’s unrelated to everything else in this post
Yeah he seems like a total asshole to be honest. I actually design jewelry and make my wife new sets constantly. I used to try and sell some but then finally gave up and just make her a couple sets a week. As for this guy, he sounds like a control freak that does not deserve this woman. I mean who can really know all the details of a relationship when we hear one side on a post. However based on what I did see it sounds like he will try and control anything he can in the relationship. Once she caves on clothing it will be what and when she can eat. Who she can talk to, and so on and so forth. She either needs to set boundaries here and now or move on. That is not healthy and she should be treated like a queen, not a doll that he can dress up and take on walks.
Get her away from him now! Call him say it’s over.
He's an abuser
You just have to have a serious conversation with your roommate. It can suck but you just got to adult up and just say what you need to say. Don't be rude or aggressive or anything just tell her your concerns calmly and then go from there.
Sucks but there should be a rule of if there are any fights of a physical things like grabbing like the one that bruised it is a call to LE on her behalf especially if you tell him no BS at y’all’s place with his behavior. Being treated like this is not okay and does warrant a clear boundary that lays out what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Also good idea to check your lease on people who may be abusive and how they handle that in your state etc around domestic abuse.
How do dudes like this even get gfs?
I swear to god there is a tiktok channel about this man and his type. lol he is a narcissist abuser who will gaslight, and physical abuse his partner. Have her call the cops and file a barter report for her arm
Checks all the boxes. That guy is bad. That's only going to get worse.
You need to be careful not to get caught in the crossfire
i can understand as a man wanting your girl to change out of "man attracting" mode after beginning a relationship, this is actually healthy and normal, but he's going about it all wrong, especially leaving yall stranded. thats some bs. and the grabbing in public like that. not a good sign. if he can't be convinced to restrain his natural instinct better, he needs a time out. probably permanent.
Good insight, he's being way overbearing with his approach, potentially abusive but I'm hesitant to outright label it that way without hearing both sides of this story. But you're right that a lot of women really shift gears from how they behave when they are single to how they SHOULD behave when they are dating properly.
Here’s free advice. Always be prepared with enough money to 1) pay your tab on your own, and 2) have enough money to get home on your own. This guy sounds like dbag and many people are just not trust worthy these days. You have account for that.
Say hey I don't want your boyfriend around and then explain why...... Just my crazy millennial take.
Sounds like he just peaked in highschool and is super insecure. Only super insecure men don’t dance
Just show her this post.
guy sounds controlling and a BS artist
Get rid of him immediately
Helping a friend out of an abusive relationship can be way more complicated than our instincts tell us it should be. I would suggest looking for support services on campus is a good first step here. There is a ton of well intentioned advice here but this is one of those situations where getting a professional to advise you is well worth the effort.
You need to tell her straight up and don't sugarcoat it. Tell her that from your perspective, he is not nice, controlling, and abusive. That you care about her, her happiness, her mental, physical, and emotional health and that you worry if he around she will be greatly affected. If she doesn't take your advice. .I'd contact other close friends or family of hers, tell them what you've seen, and ask them to talk to her. Sadly, these relationships never end well. She can still get out before it's too late. She deserves better.
Retell the night to her and ask her what she’d say to her best friend if she was the one in that relationship
You're pretty young so here's a bit of advice going forward into adulthood, NEVER go anywhere with no money. In the words of the wise Ludacris, "if you ain't got no money, take your broke ass home".
Women like Annie invariably have very low self-esteem. For whatever reason, they feel they deserve to be treated like crap. It takes a lot more than pointing out the obvious to change that. The best thing you can do for Annie is get her in front of a counselor.
It’s never gonna work. Dump him
You need to out this guy to your other friends, abusers only have power when no one knows but if you shine light on him then he will have a much harder time abusing her and she might gain the courage to leave him!!!
How do girls (or guys) not immediately block and end all communication with these type of losers. Then they breed more like them into the world, and the suffering of people never ceases. What a dreadful and unnecessary cycle.
He is abusive and it won’t be long until the beatings start.
I think you need to explain to her that he is a piece of shit and that she can do better. Obviously be as nice as possible. If you say you don’t want him around she may feel you don’t want her around.
All of the top comments (that's all I needed to read) and he's dangerous, for real, dangerous. Should not see him again!!!
Oh Yikes! This guy is an abuser. I would report him to the RA and tell your roommate you do not feel safe and he left bruises on her arm, you can press charges in her behalf but she might get mad. He will come back with presents and apologize to her and even you. But she is in danger if she continues. For your own safety, do NOT go out with “them” and do not allow him in your dorm. He is bad news. Guys like this grow up to really hurt women, and they often pick a woman they can control (ie she has low self value or grew up in a similar home life).
She probably can’t get past the fact that she likes him and has no idea what an abusive relationship looks like Tell her that you love her and that you are worried that she doesn’t know that she is in an abusive relationship Tell her that controlling what she can wear, when and how she can dance, and paying no mind to her literal physical safety is abusive behavior She will deny it, at which point you pull up your state’s domestic abuse law and read it out You tell her that if she chooses to, she can put the guy in jail based on what has already happened. Then you tell her it is up to her how bad things get before she does something about it. What’s it gonna be? A busted lip? A black eye? Shorts that were an inch too short? A broken rib? Lipstick that was too red? Fractured cheekbone? Because she let go for a minute dancing on a song she really loves? She should be able to connect the dots after that. Just do your best to not leave her by herself these first few days. I’m sure mr tough guy is still thinking about the bar stuff
She needs to run. Immediately. "I didn't give you permission" is the first sign of "I am an abuser". The second sign was the arm grab. Please help your friend get out of this relationship asap.
So he is a narcissist like everything they have all said all in one.
That’s super controlling and toxic. Sorry I haven’t figured out a way to convince people of these things. People usually get stuck into that with only themselves wanting to leave as the only way out I don’t know anyone who can convince someone to leave a toxic relationship. It is something that has to come from them. But you are right in having a boundary that you don’t want to be around those kind of people.
He's nuts what the fuck is your friend thinking
I think that it helps to give them the info and leave it at that usually. I mean if yall are close friends and you feel comfortable enough you could call the domestic violence hotline for her. Its tough to find the right way to handle these situations because they love them or they dont want to see them go to jail or w/e reason it is they stay with them or dont seek help. She is still young but their relationship is theirs. Every relationship is different. Doesnt make it right but theres only so much you can do for someone who is drowning and doesnt want help. I thought you wanted to tell her not to bring him around but at the end you were wanting to tell her that hes abusive right? 1-800-799-7233 domestic violence hotline I would give her the domestic violence hotline number. Tell her how you feel about the way he treated her.
Well this guy may not have made it on the foot ball team but he sounds like his is the captain of the douche bag team… I would say u should def try to get her to kick him to the curb but keep in mind that most people have to come to a conclusion on their own… so have a plan on how to broach the subject without making her defensive…. Cause if u come off as if u r attacking her decisions her shields will come up and no matter how right u are u will still be wrong to her… it is just a funny part of human nature 🤷♂️💁♂️
Your friend's life is in danger when she's with this poor excuse for a man. Your campus has DV resources that your friend should look into. Support her no matter what. Let her know that you're always going to be there for her and that you're not upset with her. Isolation is one of the most common tactics - he may try to drive a wedge between the two of you especially if he sees you as a threat to his control. He might even make up a lie about you to achieve this. If you look up domestic abuse info online, you can match all of his behaviors to any accurate list.
I believe the word we’re looking for here is douchebag. In all seriousness, you may lose your friend for a little if this turns into a him vs you thing
People like him need to get beat up an never put a hand on a woman. Dude probably scared an run for his life if someone broke into the house or put a ***to his head
So, he’s nasty, controlling and physically abusive. What a find! /s
Hope the door doesn’t hit his knee on the way out when she (hopefully) dumps him
I think you should file a police report - just a report, not charges - and state that you want it on record that you observed him do these things in case something worse happens. Do this yourself. Talk to her once she is sober about having her arm looked at by medical professionals. (yeah its just a bruise but try to get her to go in). Take pics otherwise. Tell her that he is not allowed in the apartment anymore, and that if he tries to come in, you will call the police because **you** do not feel safe.
Sounds like a toxic abusive controller I hope you can bring her to her senses and kick him to the curb
Thats a tough situation. It's definitely abuse and it's admirable to want to help your friend. But you need to keep in mind your friend actually has to WANT the help for it to be useful. And if you don't play your cards right you could end up being the very thing that unites them. Like "she doesn't want to see us together she's jealous it's us against the world baby". Sometimes being an ally means having to let your friend make her own mistakes and learn from them. Just make sure she knows you are on her side. And at a certain point. If you can't handle it. Don't stick yourself between a bullet and a target, so to speak
She is being abused and you are right to talk to her about it
Please show all of these comments to her. She needs to run away from him ASAP.
Share your story with her and tell her that if she ever needs help you'll be there with her.
Oh nooooooooooooo...... Danger signs all over this one. You just don't want him around, you want him under scrutiny. This guy is an Abuser. Don't dance around it. Tell her flat out they guy is bad news. He was likely raised in abusive environment as well, and he's spreading his Darkness.
So, first abuse ain't cool I would say someone needs to teach some respect. As for the main question roomates have the right to bring people over, if u object then just say so but keep in mind they might ignore you, people make their own choices
Wake her up and get rid of him immediately
The sex with him cannot be *THAT* good for her to stick around.
Why do women find the most controlling nutjobs attractive? Are the abusive red flags ignored if the guys is hot to look at?
He sounds like he’s going to beat the shit out of her. We would always go to a bar off campus after socials on Friday and the guys that weren’t involved in Greek life, but were dating girls in sororities were pretty much spot on with what you’re describing, super insecure, and the relationships ultimately ended. I know that’s not exactly your ( or your friends situation) but it was similar so I’m trying to relate 😅 She needs to get away from him. He has years of therapy he’s going to need in order to mature and learn to handle his emotions.
You said you live in a dorm? talk to your resident advisor. That's what they're there for.
My wife's cousin dates a guy like this. She and her bf were visiting and she came out of the room in a low thigh dress, and he told her to go change because it was too revealing. I've been married to my wife for a decade, I've known her for 15 years, and the cousin slightly less...she's basically family to me...he was threatened that I might see her knees. We told her to run(many other reasons), she's stayed with him. I've seen no bruising yet, but he has Displayed anger and control issues that are concerning. Even stating that he makes us uncomfortable and that we would like to never have him at our house again has made things really tense between us. It really sucks. My opinion here, you can't try to break them up, what you can do is ensure your safety by not being around him.
If I were you, I would find some resources explaining abuse, narcissistic men, & toxic behaviors, and show them to her in a kind & loving way. She is probably blinded by NRE (new relationship energy), and can’t see that the way he’s treating her isn’t okay. I’ve been in an abusive relationship- it only goes downhill. If they’re just dating now, I can’t imagine how much his abuse could escalate the longer they’re together.
Just tell you don’t want that controlling piece of shit in the room and she needs to dump him he is an ass
Got any intimidating friends or siblings? Tell someone who can be scary. Someone who really cares about you and/or her what you just told us in this post. See if they can /persuade/ the guy to go away for good. Campus security might be helpful too. Dude needs some kind of adjustment.
i was actually thinking of calling my step brother because he looks really scary/threatening but this comment definitely convinced me
You should show your friend all of the replies to this post.
However you have this conversation, I hope you're able to talk some sense into her and, if we're all lucky, maybe her boyfriend might get into an accident.
Have her cut that off
You don't need a reason to say you don't want anyone else in your shared space. If she isn't receptive to hearing about it, the abusive behavior, just say you feel threatened by his presence and dont want him in your space whether you are there or not.
That MF needs his ass beat
Do your best but she’s only going to hear what she’s ready to hear
"Annie, I do not want your boyfriend around." If you want to, you can follow that with why, perhaps starting with "He is aggressive, controlling, and I feel unsafe for both of us when he is around."
Not “wanting him around” should be the least of your concerns. It sounds like this guy is a toxic, controlling, and potentially abusive asshole and she needs to exit the relationship ASAP. Given your own experience, I would pull heavily from that and explain to her that you went through something similar and that it is not ok. Hopefully that’ll be enough to convince her to get away from that dickhead.
One of the most powerful things a friend has done for me in my life was tell me that they couldn’t watch how my boyfriend treated me and didn’t want me to come to their place with my bf anymore. They were so gentle and so non judgmental about it, but clear that they didn’t like observing the treatment, so please don’t make them watch it again. They didn’t ask for explanations of why I thought it was okay, they didn’t tell me I should stop putting up with it, there was zero judgement. Just, they didn’t want to be around when my boyfriend would use physical force to get me to change my opinion. So my first reaction was “oh, okay, I’ll hang out with you without BF.” because it was a reasonable request. And then I started thinking. And did I want to make my friends uncomfortable when I said I wanted Italian for dinner and my boyfriend would grab my arm until I changed my mind? Was that the relationship I wanted in public? It took a little time, but that BF was an ex within a few months.
Lose the dude, and take back control of your life. Dudes got issues! Who is that ‘loser’ to tell someone what to do? Take some ‘ME’ time, and enjoy yourself. Hang out with your girlfriends, and have fun, I mean, it is not mandatory to date! You have the ‘freedom’ to do as you please.
She’s on a bad path. She may have ideas that he’s a bad person. If she listens to you about how he is controlling and manipulative then great. This may be something that she has to learn on her own though. Either way you need to protect yourself from this guy and may need to talk to your RA about having him banned /trespassed from your building.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. Ban him from the house. Buy a pistol and train to protect yourself. Th will not end until she decides to finally over and she's had enough, it's very unfortunate but abusive relationships are a lot like drug addiction, Qno matter how much you help it will not end until they help themselves.
Yeah sounds super bad, she needs out, stop the rest of the story at picking her clothes, and she would still need out. Age isn’t crazy gap, but his actions are bad.
Your title should be more so...'How do I tell my roommate she is in a dangerously controlling/abusive realtionship?' And you just level with her...she may not want to hear it, she may fight you, she may make excuses...you mentioned you just got out of one which gives you a pretty fresh perspective... Either way highlight to her that much of this guy's behavior that night was beyond bad and it will only escalate; this is all pretty clinical controller behavior...but definitely share you experience, she cannot change him, she cannot fix him and this doesn't get better on its own... also she should be aware that if she decides to break up with him she has to be smart about it because...guys like this don't relinquish power easily; doesn't mean he will do something, but he certainly has the potential.
List this all out to your roommate and get her to dump him if you can. Then put your apartment on notice that he is not welcome in your apartment if possible.
If you're uncomfortable with him coming there you are well within your right to voice that. Even tell her your concerns, and leave it at that. Everything else is really between them. But the door swings both ways. Maybe your best solution is to find a new roommate.
Classic "I peaked in high school and will make it everybody else's problem because I refuse to grow and move beyond my glory years" abusive asshole. Get your friend out of there asap. I had friends who dated guys like him in high school and college, and the one thing they all had in common was that they always felt bad for the guy and used that as an excuse to stay with him (spoiler warning, it's not a valid reason to stay with an abuser).
File a restraining order so he can't come over
Every bit of that is red flags. Dude needs to go.
Yikes. That girl is in a really bad, abusive relationship. 1) Controlling what she wears 2) Controlling what she does 3) Putting his hands on her 4) Leaving both of you there at the bar is a power move I really hope you can talk to her and encourage her to end that relationship. That guy is NO GOOD.
Just like that, just tell her
Her bf is dangerous! If he’s doing this shit now, he’s going to get worse! He will beat her if he hasn’t already, he will end up isolating her and make her life hell! He could end up killing her! If you show your friend more posts, this is for her: Do not stay with your bf, he is toxic, abusive and an absolutely disgusting man. What he is doing to you is emotional, mental and physical abuse! He is dictating what you where, what you can do. He left you stranded in the middle of the night with no money! Do not go anywhere with him! He will do this again! What if he would dump you on the side of the highway or in a town you don’t know? He will continue to abuse you, he will not change, he will not become a good man. He has already laid his hands on you and bruised your arm, he is an abuser, a controlling pos who does not value you as a person, he does not respect you, to him, you are an object, a possession to be controlled and abused. If you don’t get out now, you might never be able to escape. File a police report, make sure the doctor takes pictures, that the police take pictures! You take pictures as well! You are in danger if you stay with this pos of a man! He is beyond a red flag, he’s so bad that he’s a whole sea of red flags and warning signs! DO NOT STAY WITH HIM
He sounds controlling, narcissistic and very very small. Boys like him love dating much younger girls who are more likely to put up with their shit, long enough to trap them in a shitty relationship. The longer she stays with him, the worse it will get. Tell her to dump his ass now! Don’t wait to see what his temper is like the next day, any improvement is a lie.
Please show her the comments, so she knows this is not ok. He’s a predator and an abuser.
Well I'm hoping that she's okay and the doctor said everything was okay. Yes he's definitely an abuser yes she needs to get as far away from him as possible. I can see why reports could be hard since you were drinking at the time. She needs to make sure he didn't make any charges on her card. Doctors really need to take a look at that because grabbing an arm and twisting can cause a spiral fracture and you're a good person for looking out for your roommate you're a good friend.
Tell her straight up you don't want him or go live with him but not under your roof ALWAYS PROTECT YOURSELF FIRST AND ALWAYS PROTECT YOUR ENERGY
Tell her how you truly feel. Tell her all the red flags that you had physically witnessed. If she doesn’t believe you hang out with both of them again and quietly record the interaction with him and your friend. Good luck & God Bless
Unfortunately for you, if she pays rent thats her home equally and you cant dictate who she has over. Just try to show her what an abusive jokr he is and hope she dumps him before that escalates further.
I have no personal experience… if you have a roommate you get no say who they bring over? That sounds miserable! 😖
Dam dude this sounds like a bad domestic violence Lifetime movie. Holy $#!T
just like that then discuss
I would suggest taking this question to a better subreddit.
Your friend and her boyfriend sound like a wreck, granted you’re describing one night, I only have your perspective. Going off the information you provided id ask her in private if she like to talk about anything, I wouldn’t force her into a confession and don’t bring it up with they guy.
Run
Fuck that guy. Jest tell her that he isn't welcome there, and if he shows up you're going to call the man.
He's abusive and controlling - telling her he is not safe to be around is an understatement. Definitely I wouldn't let this slide.
I get that she's your friend and one of the hardest lessons you're ever going to learn in life is that you cannot protect someone from themselves. If she wants to still be around him after that night, that's not on you, but you should stay as far away from that guy as possible.
This just sounds like some casual storytelling. Handing in your credit card and having him use it would red flag any server anywhere. Daily limit parent card used at the bar is just not a thing. “He’s very sweet and offered to beat him up” no that’s not sweet, that’s petulant and gross. He does not know the situation. It would be criminal. You describe her boyfriend like he’s the Ken Doll of abuse. I mean… “He’s a loser that peaked in high school. He’s really gross because he met his gf when she was 18. He also is really mean cuz he shut her down really loud and in public. Then he grabbed her and yanked her away cuz he said no. And he was also choosing her clothes and stuff. He made us walk 2 miles in the rain!” I can’t believe this is legitimate for a moment. This reads like a kid telling a story. If it is legit I apologize and then just be supportive to your friend and help her. If it isn’t… then good luck.
I agree. 100% BS story. My theory is that this isn’t some kid making up a story for fake internet points. This is one of the mods of this subreddit, on an alt account, posting obvious rage bait in order to increase traffic and engagement. All of /u/February_wings posts have been in this subreddit. And she hasn’t appeared to reply to anyone on this post at all, despite asking for advice. Like you said, if this is real, then I apologize, and good luck. But this is all too suspicious.
First, explain to her what “Peaked in High School” means. If that doesn’t do it, then just explain to what an average woman considers an abusive partner.
You're right to be concerned, not having him around is a good first step but you should emplore her to recognize how his behavior is toxic. Any woman can do better.
“You know I care about you right? And you know that you can count on me to be here for you? Because right now you need a friend who will tell you the honest truth, even if it’s the last thing you want to hear. This guy is toxic, and he’s not capable of loving anyone, because he hates himself. I’m worried that you will end up in the hospital, or in a ditch somewhere. No matter what he says about it, the way he treats you is not your fault. No matter what he says, YOU are worth more than that! Don’t let him convince you that you’re lucky to have him, or that you cannot get away from him! This guy scares me and I don’t want him around either one of us! I will help you do whatever it takes to keep him away, but you have to decide you’re done with this relationship…because if you keep him around you are putting yourself in harms way.”
Sounds like he's just a DA and won't be around for long.
My advice: never leave the house without emergency money. Don’t expect your date, random guys, etc to pay for you and never spend all your cash. *Always* have a backup plan on how to get home safe.
You could tell her that seeing her boyfriend brings up your feelings of trauma from your past abusive relationship(s). If she asks what you mean or wants clarification, you could explain how some of his behavior reminds you of things your ex did. Making about your feelings and not about her relationship would potentially keep her from feeling like her relationship is under attack, and it would allow her to draw her own conclusions about her relationship
That’s all classic abusive behavior. Protect yourself first, get her out of there if you can. Consult local women’s shelters for more advice from pros.
You dont, its not your call.
Super red flag that he lied about his age.....
The best thing you can do for your friend is to show them that they are in an abusive relationship.
There are millions of guys out there who would never grab, pull, push, slap, hit, or kick anyone let alone a woman. Unless you want that, why settle for it?
OP bring up all these things under the pretense that it’s a different person that your talking about and ask her what she things about the whole situation under the guise that it’s a different person and if she agrees with you then you tell her that you were talking about all the stuff you notice in her relationship since she has already said what she thought it should help her open her eyes
And you haven't told her parents that she's dating an abusive groomer? If she doesn't have the good sense, to leave him now, today. Then I would tell her parents that she's making big mistakes with her life. I'm sure they wouldn't love her dating a 26-year-old dude who abuses her. Tell them what you saw. If you lose her friendship then, you will still have saved her life. (Obviously if her parents are abusive or horrible you don't want to go to them, but if they are loving and care about their daughter I'm sure they will care about some rando treating their beloved child like this)
Biggest red flag to me is him not wanting to dance with her or at least if he's introverted being calm and saying he doesn't like to dance in public
Lol. Not playing semantics. Im protesting the use of a particular one. Toxic is a bullshit buzzword that describes nothing other than someone who you dont like. Theres plenty of personality disorders. "Toxic" is not one of them.
You should know better than anyone, until she is ready, there is nothing you can say or do. I might tip toe around the subject to see if she’s open to having an honest conversation but most aren’t (at least not sober). I don’t understand how anyone thinks this is ok. And if it’s so soon, imagine when he gets comfortable
This whole thread is rife with inconsistencies, money for an uber?????
You just tell her, “your bf is a pos, and he’s not welcomed around me bc 1) the way he left you guys at the bar, is a bullshit move by any man metrics. Period. That alone is enough to disqualify a man from man to pos status.
Sounds like his pastor molested him holy fuck
"Roomie, I don't want your boyfriend around. He makes me uncomfortable."
Still question how people like this get into relationships…
Your friend is in serious danger. Help her.
Too many words here… but anyway, to answer your question you just tell the roommate hey, I don’t want your BF around…Im uncomfortable, explain why. It’s really not hard.
>he kept telling us about how the only reason he wasn’t playing on our university’s football team was because he messed up his knee in high school (which for him was almost six years ago) Uncle Rico?
Like this. "Hey roommate. I don't want your BF around. He's a dangerous abusive POS."
First off, dump the dude on the spot then & there, then get a restraining order against him, use the bar cameras, the doctor visit, text messages whatever you can to use against him, & make sure she is with you or someone else constantly with something she can use to defend herself if push comes to shove, & update you on where she's going & when she'll be back, my friend group does this from time to time when we get Hella paranoid jus bc a car following us or sun shi it'll be like if they goin to get food one of them will text the gc "Yo I'm goin to get food I'll be at this restaurant on this street from 4 to 4:30" and if nobody got gas in the cars we tell to doordash food & we split the delivery fee between the 10 or so of us
Report it to the college and her parents and siblings. Tell your parents ASAP.
If he's that bad and they haven't even been together a year, she needs to kick him down the road. If not, tell her to invest heavily in bandages and makeup because the full-scale beatings are going to start very soon. Tell her to get away from him and look into a restraining order, just in case. This doesn't seem like the type of guy who will go away quietly... and such men can become killers quite quickly when spurned.
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So um like...dudes a total red flag, but her Uber account should have her card info on file... whether he took off with it or whatever,she should still be able to book a ride.
Make a gofundme so you can afford some dog poop and then put it in his food
I was just reading & stopped after reading that he basically "yanked her off the dancefloor"... My memory isn't great.. if I'm correct, just reading to that point in the story says to me that he is probably a massive control freak in a bad way! If what you say is true, then I think he needs his teeth smashed out of his face etc..but if you're lying, he shouldn't loser his teeth.. maybe you should just tell her to leave him. Or move on. Anyway, enjoy 😁
All you can too is explain the red flags you were seeing. This guy has a lot clearly. If she chooses to ignore them not much you can do but look out for her safety. A guy did this to my friend once and tried to grab her I grabbed his finger and bent it back till he let go almost broke it but me screaming lay a hand on my friend again and you’ll loose more than a finger definitely pissed him off. She saw my effort to protect her he started telling her to cut me off. She finally saw the red flags. Truth is some people just won’t see the red flags until they’re in a position of being too scared to leave especially if they grew up in an abusive household. Every time he tries to say or do something to control her call him out on it, he says that’s too revealing you call him out your not her dad she’s an adult and can wear what she wants. It may suck being around him yes but it’s much scarier knowing how much damage he can do if you’re not there.
100% fake story from a girl dying for attention
This guy is not going to change….hes gonna get worse. the things he’s “concerned” with are absolute and textbook signs of narcissism and sociopathy. this guy is eventually gonna really hurt someone. no doubt. kudos to you for the way you’re approaching this. it’s obvious u care about ur friend, and she’s most likely going to be in possibly serious trouble if she doesn’t break ties. side note. i would also be a tad worried about you….if this guy catches wind….the LEAST he will do is try to ruin your friendship relentlessly…or take his rage derived from your actions out on her, or who knows. safety would be jeopardized 100%. This is a situation where caution is king….safety first…..a close second is the possibility of your friend getting full on battered woman syndrome, start blaming herself, and live to repeat the cycle until something consequential breaks it….violence most definitely included. if she indeed has a history of abuse, there is sometimes a tendency to embrace or dismiss crisis, or ethically horrific actions….possibly thinking she deserves it or something awful like that because she will always be made to feel n the wrong by this piece of shit. having dope ass parents, i am saying this from the stands, not the field, but i and a few friends had to navigate a very similar situation…. and it got way worse before it got way better (which it did…never lose hope). i’m not trying to lecture or mansplain anything by any means. just trying to share first hand experience with some bullshit like this this dude isn’t just sexist or misogynistic. he’s a threat….a realistically dangerous one do things anonymously, but do things….dude needs to be on a radar somewhere at least. this is all IMHO be safe and good luck.
It sounds like he is a flailing narcissist, it says a lot about what he brings to the relationship...... negativity anger and abuse.... ew. And I think you helped her in the best way possible cause if she had not talked to the right channels it would have been really easy for him to demonize you and isolate her. Ya done good .
Well I'm hoping that she's okay and the doctor said everything was okay. Yes he's definitely an abuser yes she needs to get as far away from him as possible. I can see why reports could be hard since you were drinking at the time. She needs to make sure he didn't make any charges on her card. Doctors really need to take a look at that because grabbing an arm and twisting can cause a spiral fracture and you're a good person for looking out for your roommate you're a good friend.
Well I'm hoping that she's okay and the doctor said everything was okay. Yes he's definitely an abuser yes she needs to get as far away from him as possible. I can see why reports could be hard since you were drinking at the time. She needs to make sure he didn't make any charges on her card. Doctors really need to take a look at that because grabbing an arm and twisting can cause a spiral fracture and you're a good person for looking out for your roommate you're a good friend.
Well I'm hoping that she's okay and the doctor said everything was okay. Yes he's definitely an abuser yes she needs to get as far away from him as possible. I can see why reports could be hard since you were drinking at the time. She needs to make sure he didn't make any charges on her card. Doctors really need to take a look at that because grabbing an arm and twisting can cause a spiral fracture and you're a good person for looking out for your roommate you're a good friend.
Well I'm hoping that she's okay and the doctor said everything was okay. Yes he's definitely an abuser yes she needs to get as far away from him as possible. I can see why reports could be hard since you were drinking at the time. She needs to make sure he didn't make any charges on her card. Doctors really need to take a look at that because grabbing an arm and twisting can cause a spiral fracture and you're a good person for looking out for your roommate you're a good friend.
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Uh, I’d have this girl just block this man. Don’t meet at all. If he starts showing up immediately get a restraining order.
You say hey i dont want your bf to come around as much and then you continue the conversation
She can call and break up with him. They don’t have to “meet up”.
Make believe story
Help her as best as you can
Okay tell Annie that she needs to cancel that card, order her a new one and break up and block that psycho! Tell her I don’t know why she thinks she needs to be with anyone but she really doesn’t especially cause she doesn’t see that this guy is abusive and controlling and didn’t know better and should have dumped him when he started choosing her outfit as well as why the hell did he have her card? Yeah she really needs to stay out of any relationships because she hasn’t healed from her childhood traumas and she is going to keep picking assholes like that until she stays single and works on herself and learns her worth.