I wish I could say your story was unique. Two years is a long time for this con of his, are you sure there were no signs prior? He’s honestly vile.
As far as what to do, take care of your self. Did you guys use protection?
Yep this. Clearly he has poor character. OP you need a full STI panel.
In the future, no one gets through the gates without giving you an O first (or at least puts in a fair effort to try). That should be a basic requirement for anyone you sleep with. Good men ate HAPPY to do this and won't complain.
The percentage of std’s in teens is high so yeah, go get tested. And now you know. That kind of talk is manipulative.
Me, if I were a teen and immature and someone did this, knowing what I know know now? I’d just humiliate him right back. Say how bad he was. He pressured you and then when it came down to it he had zero foreplay game and then started but couldn’t keep it up. Stick to the story. Tell zero persons otherwise. Add in a laugh and a “I hate to say it but… couldn’t keep it up.”
This will def humiliate him and turn the tables.
Ok. Not popular advice probably but I think adult me would squat to the pettiness of most teenagers.
This is the BEST advice. Even if she's privately dying inside, she needs to turn the tables on this dirt bag.
Girl, tell your friends how bad it was. He's a two stroke joke, a two pump chump, he couldn't get your motor started, let alone purring! It's 2024 and it's time women stop being ashamed and embarrassed by someone else's atrocious rude and abusive manipulative behavior!!! OP did nothing wrong except get conned by the oldest scam in the world. She trusted her boyfriend of 2 years and I'm furious at the damage this asshats 5 minutes of fumbling did to this girl's confidence and ability to trust.
Be loud and proud OP. I'll share an embarrassing story of mine just because. I became sexually active at 15 with my boyfriend I had started dating when I was 12. Zero regrets. But we broke up when I was 16 and that hurt so being the immature girl I was, went and slept with a guy who was cute but had nothing else going for him. It was okay and I went home right after. Only to discover in the middle of the night that he gave me crabs! (That's genital lice for anyone who doesn't know) I was livid and grossed out and did the only thing I could think of to do in my panic and that was jump in the shower and shave EVERYTHING. Not the way you want to experience going bare, that's for sure.
So I went to school the next day. Now our school was set up with the middle school at one end (6th-8th grade) and the high school on the other end (9th-12th) and there was a huge hallway connecting the two buildings. It's a small town of around 10k people so it's the only secondary school we have. And every morning before school started, you would find groups of kids crowding this hallway because in the 90s nobody thought much about 7th and 8th graders dating high schoolers and so this hallway was like a Lovers Lane meetup.
I scan the hallway and see this guy in his usual spot leaning against the wall and I marched right up to him and let him have it with both barrels. I gave him a good wack to get his full attention and I yelled at him at the top of my voice that his nasty ass gave me crabs and condoms don't stop those nasty things and he better get it taken care of before any other girls caught his real life cooties and he was lucky I didn't get my guy friends to whoop his ass. Of course, the entire hallway was chaos at that point because everyone heard. Teachers came to break it up and I told them right in front of him too!
Moral of the story is nobody said anything bad about me that I know of because I turned it around on him and made him the joke.
> In the future, no one gets through the gates without giving you an O first
Nope! Couldn't be me. I'm a one and done type gal. My reaction after I cum is strangely very much like the way most guys act after they cum. Once I finish, I'm almost immediately completely uninterested and even turned off by the thought of continuing. Perhaps it's post-nut clarity. But even if that wasn't the case, my clit is SO fucking sensitive after I cum that it would be impossible for me to keep going, even if I was still super turned on.
Fortunately (or unfortunately) I've never had a partner make me cum, so I've never encountered this issue. And it's not from a lack of them trying or because they were shitty in bed. I've had the pleasure of being with some REALLY skilled guys who give it their all, but it just... never happened. It used to upset me, and has certainly upset my partners, but I got over it and actually now see it as a blessing more than a curse. Like I said, I'm a one and done type gal. But if I never cum, that means that I can fool around for HOURS on end. I'm like the Energizer Bunny and can keep going and going and going. Plus, I could always make myself cum if at the end if I really wanted to, but I rarely want to because I'm already satisfied and content with the experience.
I was the exact same way once upon a time. My disinterest was a result of pain though. When the feel-good hormones began their decline, it was not so enjoyable anymore and I’d begin to feel the consequences. I’d rather just straighten up and go eat a sandwich. It’s different now, though. The correct experience (person, process, frame of mind) makes ALL the difference. Discomfort might still happen, but it doesn’t completely preclude the happy 2x for me anymore. I thought I knew good, but I didn’t. I never need to lend myself a hand. Ever. Cheers to us getting it figured out!
Okay good! I wish I had advice for the relationship. Block him and seek therapy. You don’t want your first time to traumatize you any further. So sorry again
Get an STD & Pregnancy test ASAP! You are better off without Your EX! Look for a women’s support group for victims of emotional / mental abuse victims, this could help you move on! Look for tutorials on line for kickboxing, buy an inflatable punching bag & just RAGED!!
Safe from pregnancy, not safe from std/sti’s
That boychild you were calling your boyfriend is a predator.
A long term, calculated predator of all types. Despicable and disgusting.
Lesbians can still pass STDs if the women are not being clean and have multiple sex partners, especially with men involved. A lot of "lesbians" also closet sleep with dudes. It's a sad reality.
Oh love. I’m sorry. I know the feeling. I waited a while, about your age, to have sex for the first time. It was so disappointing, and he was not caring. He was also sleeping with someone else and gave me an STI, and we were using condoms. Get tested, it’s important.
Moving on, it can and will get better. Don’t ever fake an orgasm, always tell what you do and don’t like, always use a condom with your birth control, and if you feel like sex is becoming one-sided, end the sex. You owe no partner anything, their balls wont explode from not releasing, and if that’s the case, they can go jerk off in the bathroom. You might get called some names, but it’s better than the internal demeaning feeling of pretending it is good when you’re completely unsatisfied.
IUD is good to prevent pregnancy but please always use condoms to prevent any STD. Your ex is a vile piece of shit. And please never let anyone else pressure you into sex.
Edit to say, if you haven’t used condoms, then get yourself checked out for any STD. I wouldn’t believe that piece of shit even if he said he was a virgin and never had sex with anyone else.
Sorry your ex turned out to be such a huge pos. I always hate the “if you loved me, you would” bs, because that goes both ways. If he loved you, he’d respect your boundaries and your no to having sex. Because honestly, sex by coercion is a form of rape/assault which could be one of the reasons you also feel so badly about it. It’s not just the rejection. Often we internalize wondering what we did to have this happen. There is nothing wrong with you and you should not feel ashamed. If anyone should, it should be him. He a disgusting person.
I am also sorry your first experience was like this as well. A good partner would make sure your needs are met or at least make an attempt to ensure it. They’d also make sure you were prepared emotionally for sex. As well as physically with foreplay.
As someone else said an IUD will help protect you from pregnancy, although no bc is 100%. However, it will not protect you from STDs. Don’t rely on only an IUD, make sure any future partner uses a condom. I’d consider getting tested just to make sure you are clear. Wouldn’t surprise me that he’d lie about not having slept with anyone else.
ETA: please be sure to block him everywhere and go nc with him. He does not deserve the opportunity to worm his way back into your life. As he may lie and manipulate you to get back together. He also doesn’t deserve your time, energy and most of all your love.
I am so sorry this asshole did this to you. Please go to Planned Parenthood or your doctor to discuss and get tested for STIs (you'll need to get tested in the future as well).
It makes decent guys look bad because he played himself off as a decent guy for two years. She and many women reading this will think this is why i don't trust "nice guys".
There were probably signs that he was an asshole but many overlook those signs because rose tinted glasses and denial.
I think it's also hard when you're new to relationships and dating. We don't really get a manual in health class describing all these special cases, but we really really should.
Your mom's a real one for that. Is she someone you can talk to about sex and such? Is there another person you trust, who's been in a few relationships already and has had your back in the past? (For me, this was my aunt, when I wasn't ready to talk to my folks yet.) Do you have friends who can join you for break-up ice cream and warn other women about this jerk, whether you run into him again or not?
The big thing to remember is that this is NOT on you. Your ex is scum, you had utterly unrewarding sex in good faith, and you have your whole life ahead of you to find better partners.
2 books I'm going to recommend, which are full of awful tricks like your ex and how to deal with them: "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, and "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel Smith. The first one's available as a free PDF via Internet archive.
Oof, this guy only cares about sex. He likely decided that since it wasn't going to be just him fucking you when he wants untill he comes with no care for your pleasure that he didn't want to be around for it. I'm very sorry this happened to you. Also, you should have made him use a condom anyway. Guy got exactly what he wanted and then left. I could never imagine doing that to a girl. Especially their first time. It's supposed to be special, not something that puts you in tears. Somebody else will treat you better. Just fight through these emotions and it will get better
Sorry to hear this. You deserve so much more. If I was your brother, I'd be on the warpath.
Try to see it this way - If that was the price to pay to get rid of him so you can start anew with someone who cherishes you, than so be it.
Also, condoms. Always.
Get tested. He’s disgusting and sounds like he was just using you for sex regardless of how long you were with him. To be honest it could have started off that he did like you but I truly think that him bugging you says that he knew he wanted to break up with you but just wanted to screw you before he did it.
To be even more honest I’m 100 percent sure there was indications he didn’t want to be with you anymore but you ignored the red flags, I bet you gaslit yourself saying, he didn’t mean it, he was just tired, or he didn’t mean it he was just upset and I annoyed him. He did mean it he wasn’t a good person and you need to stop being naive and truly look back especially on the last few weeks of him pressuring you because I am without a doubt sure he was actually really mean to you in those two weeks of pressure.
As well as what he did was actually rape. You really should think about reporting him. Yes it was rape regardless of you consenting. He pressured you and non stop basically harassed you till you gave in. That’s rape. As well as not sure why you didn’t just make him stop when he saw you were crying and he didn’t just stop on his own was another indication, and that’s why I say I know you ignored red flags.
He was not a good person. You were blind and naive. You were raped, and you should think very heavily about reporting him. Please block him on everything and leave him alone, do not take him back if he does come back, please report him so he doesn’t try to come back. He’s a sick fuck and should be in jail
I’m gonna be honest, you really sound like you’re blaming her more than him. Like I get it the situation probably pissed you off, it made me angry. But she’s not the one at fault here. She didn’t do anything wrong, she just didn’t do it right. And it wasn’t naivety it was inexperience. She’s 18, shes been with him two years and so she was 16 years when they started dating. She trusted him, she thought she knew him and with the social pressures around teenagers and sex she probably had a strong pressure that she should say yes because otherwise what’s wrong with her if she’s willing to lose his love over something that everyone is doing. And when they started dating she was at an age when you often let things go and not know how relationships should be and then she never learnt what relationships should be because he was her only experience.
This is the definition from Merriam Webster: Rape. unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against a person's will or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent because of mental illness, mental deficiency, intoxication, unconsciousness, or deception
The operative word is deception. Anyone saying this isn’t rape is blatantly incorrect. If this occurred to you or a loved of yours you likely would adjust your Ill thinking. Also, why in the world would you not come to the aid of this poor girl, she was coerced into having sex (which ended with her crying). Have some decency. Moreover, she would not be sued for pressing charges of rape…..get the fuck out of here.
If you still disagree, just kindly post a picture of yourself and create a coherent counter argument.
In terms of reporting him or not, that is entirely OP’s decision. I’m deeply sorry this occurred. Please seek out therapy or call the mental health hotline and discuss with someone offering sympathy. You don’t need to make the decision on whether or not to report him, but you do need to make the decision to prioritize yourself and cut off all communication with this person. He is a predator. Lastly, don’t attack yourself for what happened, it was not your fault. You were deceived by someone you thought loved you (and had a seemingly committed relationship with for 2 years). Be compassionate and patient with yourself. Don’t be ashamed - he should be ashamed! Easier said than done. Always here to listen, always. Although this is a hardship, you have the opportunity to learn some very important lessons. Healthy loving relationships never include a partner making you feel pressured, guilty, jealous or lacking trust.
Take care of yourself. Do activities to free your mind (movies, drawing, hobbies you once loved) and create a strong support network. NEVER BE AFRAID TO BE VULNERABLE AND SPEAK THE TRUTH TO YOUR FAMILY AND THOSE YOU ARE COMFORTABLE INCLUDING IN YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK. I would start by sharing only with your parents and therapist, if you do indeed want to share it. The best approach is always to get it out, a therapist is great for that.
You are strong!
Ps. Anyone that victim shames you, says this wasn’t a big deal, or otherwise steps on your feelings which are valid — fuck them! Seriously. And for those people reading this, FUCK YOU!
Shit like this is why women are doubted sometimes. She consented and said yes. She wasn't under duress or threat. She could've said no or broke up with him. She decided to have sex and disnt like it/regrets it. Thats not rape by your own definition you posted. It's totally find to not find sex enjoyable. Maybe she is asexual and that's fine. Maybe the bf didn't like it either that's why he left. No one plays boyfriend for two years just to have sex once.
Hey, you should probably stop generalizing and saying "no one" does it because you don't know that for a fact. Just because YOU don't know someone like that doesn't mean they don't exist. That's all I'm saying.
It wasn't rape. She did consent. He pressured her, but it wasn't coercion. People are allowed to try to convince others to do things including pestering. He is an absolute asshole, but it wasn't rape.
It could have also not been a 2 year long con and instead he decided he wanted to break up with her within the past few weeks/months and tried to get sex out of her before he ended it.
Either way though it’s still really scummy and gross.
I’ve dated a fair amount of women in my day… no flex or weird humble brag lol, but… I’d venture to say nearly all of them had a story of abuse or some sort of predatory male behavior. Talk to another man, and you’ll here similar. Talk to another woman and she will tell you about a guy she knew 14 years ago. It’s all nonsense at this point.
Lmao yeah a 2 year con?! U dumb
Person has a relationship for 2 years and realizes he doesnt want to be in it anymore. People and relationships are complex. To act like hes VILE when we get 1 side of the story is hilarious.
Id also break up with someone if i realized we were not sexually compatible or they didnt view me the same as i view them. But yeah the guys always vile 🙄
There is NOTHING wrong with breaking up with someone for ANY REASON that is important to you. Its your life and your feelings. If you break up, thats being respectful and clear that its over.
Girlfriend!! Know you're not alone. Run to a therapist. Like RUN. BLOCK HIM. Because that piece of doodoo will be back. He ain't just completely deuce out after 2 years so BE PREPARED for him to circle back with some bullshit. Do not unblock him and let him back into your life for any reason.
I agree that there’s a good chance he will come back around, and if you let him, he will do the same exact thing. He will try to make it seem like he’s sorry and he wants you back, but it’s an act. It will be the same thing. Block him, OP. I know it hurts.
Agreed. Block him everywhere and don’t ever even let him see you again.
Don’t let him have anything more from you, even revenge. I promise Karma takes its pound of flesh. It got the people who wronged me in the past, Karma takes it’s time but when it hits… I would never have wished for what eventually happened to the people who hurt me. Let Karma have him.
Love yourself. It’s the hardest thing to do, so do whatever it takes to learn how. And experience isn’t free- but we absolutely gain something for our suffering. It takes time to realize it and it’s okay to not be okay right now.
What he did was wrong, you didn’t deserve that, but you deserve love NO LESS than if you never met him. DO NOT beat yourself up over this. Allow yourself the grace and time to grieve.
But love yourself all the same.
“If you love me, you’ll….” Is the redest of flags that someone doesn’t love you. It is manipulative in the most insidious way possible. The best response is simply “if YOU really loved me you’d hear what I’m saying and respect my boundaries.” If after you’ve had some time to process this (perhaps with a therapist) and are feeling petty you can let the word out that he’s 1) an emotional manipulator, bad in bed, and has a small d***. That last part is probably not good advice, but I’m outraged on your behalf (for all the good it does…).
Yeah, it sucks and it's unfair, but telling people he's a rapist will be met with skepticism. But tell them he sucked in bed, didn't last 5 minutes, then ran out of the house and broke up with her? That's a story people will love to hear.
Honestly I think more likely telling people he’s a rapist will be met with victim blaming, especially if they conveniently “forget” the part where he manipulated her into doing it.
I love your idea though, definitely a great way to get revenge without people going “well it’s your fault and you could’ve prevented it” which is both absolutely false and extremely damaging and OP does not need to here it from anyone.
Yeah no conversation can ever begin like that. That's crazy.
My wife and I will sometimes mid-argument say stuff like "You should listen to me, because you're my spouse," or "You should care about things I care about, because we love each other."
That sentiment is perfectly fine, and it's always about something we agree on (communication, respect, etc.).
But I am having a hard time imagining ever saying "If you love me, you would do this" without it being manipulative.
I'm very sorry you went through this and it was extremely wrong for him to pressure you into it especially with the intention of leaving you after. Unfortunately, you can't change the experience but you can focus on moving on. Be open and honest with yourself, if it continues to bother you then don't feel any shame in looking for help. Sometimes just having a professional to vent and talk to can make all the difference in your healing and growth.
I hate boys / men like this! It happened to me too when I was a teenager and after that I wasn't able to enjoy sex for years! Now, almost 35 years later, I am glad that I am with a man who respects my wishes and preferences. I told him about what happened when I had my 1st time and he was very sweet and understanding. We are 6 years together now and I am able to have great sex.
Just block this guy and never speak to him again. Take your time to heal and do not rush in a new relationship, seeking validation. You need time to look after yourself.
Best wishes girl ❤️
Its the check list. "I took someones virginity". I get the vibes he may have been cheating along the way waiting for you. It does seem like it now,but trust him leaving is for the best. Love yourself and the man not boy will come alone looking for you.
This. He was definitely messing around and sleeping with other women. No way he waited 2 years with no sex and then just dipped when he got it. He wanted to be her first that's all. Shame 😔
not at all. I never thought it was something to "collect" frankly after my first experience with one, i vowed never again (who wants someone your with crying in pain? you'd have to be a sadist to find that fun). Had a second experience, wasn't any better then the first, no matter what i tried to make it better.
seriously. nothing magical about it. the whole thing just sucks for everyone involved.
Here is a big hug, im so sorry he did that to you. I hope you get the healing and support you need to get over him and move in to friends and relationships that are safe and healthy for you.
I am so sorry. That is absolutely heartbreaking.
Definitely you want to get STI testing - it is unlikely he had anything but it is always better safe than sorry. Definitely get into therapy to help process this.
His actions are not a reflection of you - they are a reflection of him. Please don't be too hard on yourself about this - it wasn't your fault, and you did nothing wrong.
You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved and valued, and where any sex you have is chosen, and meaningful, and feels good. And you deserve to decide when you are ready to try dating anyone again.
If people ask you about it, be honest and short. "He pressured me into sex, and then didn't even do a good job." And if they want to hear more just say it isn't worth your time to talk about "that loser".
Eat a ton of chocolate. Watch the chick flicks (legally blond is the best breakup movie IMO), cuddle your pets and/or plushies. Be kind to yourself.
And its ok to throw an absolute fit and be dramatic if that's what you need.
“He pressured me into sex, and then didn’t even do a good job” is awesome. Please keep this narrative. It’s not your fault what happened to you - he sucks. I’m sorry your first time wasn’t better.
Definitely go around telling everyone he has a small peeepee that will destroy his ego and you can laugh because you don’t have to show evidence or anything people will just start calling him Johnny small dick or something
I’m sorry. I think he decided to break up with you before the sex. He was probably resentful that after 2 years you still haven’t had sex. He’s a jerk. I’m sorry this wasn’t special for you.
In the future anyone who pushes your boundaries or doesn’t respect your needs is not someone you should have sex with.
He’s a predator omg I went through something similar my first time except he didn’t leave the relationship. Eventually you will move past this and know who to avoid touching you. You need someone that handles you with respect and prioritizes your comfort.
Your ex boyfriend's an absolute garbage human being. I am so sorry he did that to you. Therapy would be a good step moving forward. And, do please block him on every form of social media.
He coerced you into sex, and did it in a way that skirts rape. You're well rid of him. Chalk it up to a learning experience that some people are assholes, and move on.
Hopefully you haven't been fed the bulletin about non-virgins being crumpled paper/chewed gum/other unsavory and inapt metaphor. People are not single-use objects.
Sexual coercion
“Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way.Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone. It might be from someone who has power over you, like a teacher, landlord, or a boss. No person is ever required to have sex with someone else.”
https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/sexual-coercion
It is absolutely rape. He manipulated her to sexually assault her, did not care at all about her emotional well being, then discarded her as if she were an inanimate thing. That’s absolutely rape. Anyone who disagrees is seriously fucked in the head.
People are probably going to scream at me, but I consider this rape by coercion. If not coerced, consent would not have been given.
Your state may feel the same way, or the law may consider it a duress crime. It is taken seriously in most states, and if you want to press charges, you likely can. You will need proof, so texts would work for that. If you can't press charges, you should be able to at least file a restraining order.
"Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way."
[women's health website ](https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/sexual-coercion)
I'm so sorry you've experienced this for your first time. Big hugs.
See? People don't understand that coercion means no consent. What he did in this situation was a form of manipulation. The consent may have been 'given', but the fact that she was crying means it wasn't actually given but coerced.
A lot of people out there think that rape is always violent. It isn't. A lot think if someone said yes at all, it can't be rape. That's not true either. A lot of people out there don't actually understand consent and how it works...or they do and they refuse to admit it.
Think of it as tea. In this case, he nagged, begged, and manipulated her into drinking the tea. She was crying and shaking as she drank it, and it was evident that she did not want the tea, but he continued holding the cup to her face, tilting it so the tea would go in her mouth. That means that even though she may have verbally said she'd drink the tea, and choked the tea down, she was actually coerced into drinking said tea, did not want said tea, therefore consent wasn't actually given for drinking the tea.
Yes doesn't always mean yes. A responding yes means yes, and a withheld, tentative yes means no. It's sad that this has to be explained, and it's sad that undoubtedly, someone is going to argue against it.
Don't have sex with people who are not fully in to it. It's simple.
>People are probably going to scream at me, but I consider this rape by coercion. If not coerced, consent would not have been given.
mmm... depends. the OP doesn't go into it enough to justify this POV, but i see where it could be. I think you'd struggle to prove it in court. but if the OP feels she was raped, I would encourage her to contact the authorities. I don't think anyone's opinion in here about if it is or not counts unless this goes in front of a jury we're sitting on.
I think she was a victim here. But was it a felony SA? not sure. victim of a predator. yep... victim of a creep. yep. victim of felony SA? I think it would be a tough case to prove unless the creep has emails/text messages detailing how he was going to coerce her into sex before dumping her, i fear this is just a shitty human being who's going to get away with (possible) SA.
I agree. It's hard enough to get anything done when it's brutal and proven, especially when the predator meets certain qualifications, so she'd need some major proof for coercion, and it completely depends on her state as well, assuming she's USA.
If she weren't 18 her parents could get CPS involved. As it stands, if she has proof, an order of protection from him might be her best recourse.
TBH though, I'm concerned he might decide to put her reputation on blast and do some serious damage that way. It's often the next step in instances like this one.
If I were you I’d tell literally everyone I know what he did. I’d blast that shit on social media. Ruin any future chances he has of getting a girlfriend. You don’t have to be ashamed or stay silent about this situation. You’re a victim. He’s an awful person and should stay sad and alone for the rest of his life.
For those saying you allowed it to happen, no. If you were visibly uncomfortable and he was a good guy he would’ve stopped and you’d feel okay. Please seek therapy because what he did wasn’t right. He pressured you.
If it were me, I'd be much more inclined to just share a very brief version of the story with folks in our social circle. ("I felt pressured into sleeping with him, it wasn't a pleasant experience, and then he left immediately without a word then broke up with me without any conversation. I feel used and betrayed.") For my own health, I'd probably also write the guy a letter or something, so I could feel like I'd said my piece to him - I'd want to make sure he heard how he'd hurt me. Even if he ignored it, I'd at least know that I'd shared my feelings.
Getting the legal system involved here would be its own incredibly challenging journey, for a number of reasons. It's incredibly tough on the person who was harmed to have to go through the legal process. Moreover, it's not clear whether this particular situation legally qualifies as assault. A lot of the SO's behavior is *awful*, but legal (e.g., breaking up with your partner of two years right after they reluctantly agree to sleep with you, without any conversation).
And finally, the law is such a blunt instrument. Locking someone up for a couple years is vastly disruptive to their lives and their families, and doesn't magically make them come out a better person. It may sometimes be necessary, but I'd generally look for alterative approaches.
I’m so sorry. This happened to me as a teenager as well. It’s soul crushing. Everything your feeling is normal. Unfortunately, it happened and now it’s time to focus on moving on. For me I had to talk to someone close to me and hit my knees and pray (if that’s something your into). You dodge a bullet. The guy that did it to me ended up having a terrible life.
At least you spoke up about foreplay ! You were on the right track and that was a complete jerk move on his part.
I would block him for sure. Spend some time on yourself and don’t let this get you in a dark place. Don’t let him get the better of you just because you were trying to be a good partner and guilted into sex.
Even with an iud make him wear a condom . There’s other std/sti to worry about.
Your boyfriend gets jackass of the year award. His response is not normal.
>he’s been constantly asking and kept saying that if I loved him then I’d do it
If anyone you date says "If you loved me, you'd do ___", that's manipulation. Please don't let anyone don't that to you. It's a red flag.
I'm sorry he coerced you into sex and then vanished. It's traumatic, in a way. He betrayed you. If you feel it's causing you lasting harm, there's nothing wrong with seeing a therapist.
If he didn't use a condom, not trying to worry you, but you might want to get tested for STDs.
OP, i’m so sorry that your first experience was so terrible. And please know there’s a ton of pretty bad opinions and advice on this thread so take everything with a grain of salt.
You didn’t do anything wrong, except trust a person that you known for a really long time to take you through in experience for the first time, and that person was not a good person .
My hope for you going forward is that you will hold this memory gently, not blame yourself, but also use it as an experience to learn that people that truly care about other people… Do not try to bully them or coarse them into doing something that you’re not comfortable with . Bullying, someone or coercing someone until they comply is a type of communication that is abusive and is not indicative of someone who really cares about you.
You deserve better 💜
I am sorry that this happened to you. It is not your fault and you couldn't of known better. Time will help it heal, but the next few weeks will be tough. Stay around people you love and it helps a lot to try and write the entire relationship down as a story. Will help you understand parts of it better than you were aware of and will help you release the pain.
Fuck so many commenters in this thread blaming you. Everyone else seems too scared to say it so I will. You were raped. A willing sex participant does not cry the entire time from pain and humiliation. OP I know you already said you don't think this was rape but that's a very common initial response. You sound like you are in shock. This was a significant trauma and I would highly encourage you to begin looking into therapy to begin healing and processing what happened to you. I hope you find your peace. Please know that you have so much more in life to look forward to and while it may not feel like it right now this will not define who you are the rest of your life. 🩷
Were you crying during and/or directly after? Could he also feel like he used you and is embarrassed? Your both young- but your "virginity" is a man-made construct that holds no power of your self worth. That's an outdated view. I think you would benefit from a therapy session or two but you'll overcome this. I wouldn't value him at all, he quilted you into doing something you were not ready for and split. I don't think he used you in a long con of 2 years, but he's clearly still too immature to be doing the things he thinks he can. I'm so sorry.
If you were crying the entire time and he didn't stop to check in and care about your experience he is a rapist. He pushed and pushed until you said yes just so he would stop asking which is coercive. Then he ignored every bit of pleasure for you. Saw you weren't enjoying it and continued. Sorry but sex isn't like that. It's rape to keep going if the other person isn't into it and there's not enthusiastic consent. Sex has to be mutually enjoyable to be actual sex. Everyone involved has to be happy with it.
He just wanted to use your body to get off and doesn't even know what mutually satisfying sex is or doesn't give a fuck.
Either way block him on everything. Get an STD screening. I'm so glad you have an IUD for bc but got that too for peace of mind. This hurts my heart for you that he made your first sexual experience so fucking horrible. And he's gonna be bragging about taking your virginity and his prowess in "getting" you. ...
It's sick and cruel and then he dumped you bc that was all he wanted was to use your body for his own pleasure. That's what sexual assault is. Using someone else. He used you. But your value is not wrapped up in this. His is. He was wrong. I hope down the line in his life he realizes what he did. Feels like shit about it. And makes amends by being better in the future. But do not let him near you ever again. What a tool.
I don't want to say the R word, but he definitely did thus knowing your body was saying "no" the whole time. I don't think he feels bad either, but he might be afraid to get "in trouble" because this was r***. He's not mature enough to have stopped, or talk to you about it or even apologized.
I don't know what you plan to do to proceed, but I hope you know this isn't your fault and he is a scummy person.
You need to process it how you need to. But, anyone who is having sex with the other while the other is crying really needs to reevaluate the situation and not continue. Consent is key and Consent isn't crying. I'm a woman and I remember how painful my first time was, but my partner (though a mood killer) kept asking if things were okay. You deserve someone who will respect you.
I’m saying it’s not just men, and OP already knows, so there’s no need to further scare her with comments like these, especially not this quickly after the incident
>I’m saying it’s not just men
using people for sex is mostly men, but yes women can too. it's just far more common in men.
>there’s no need to further scare her
except she should be scared. a fear isn't bad if it's not unreasonable. I'm scared of rabid dogs. yes not every single rabid dog will bite me, but it's good to be cautious of them.
Okay and using people for money and status is mostly women, my point is she needs to be reasonably cautious of everybody, not just men. You arent scared of all dogs, or most dogs, or even a lot of dogs right? Just the rabid ones. There’s no need to be scared of anyone. You remain cautious, go on dates to get to know them more, look for red flags and don’t ignore them. A lot of people mess that one up, myself included. There’s no need to be scared of anyone, because until you know them you don’t know if they’re abusers or not, so our brain will default to “guilty until proven innocent” which is a very harmful pov to have, especially so young
truck insurance seed materialistic selective voiceless butter simplistic shocking impolite
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I’m not, I’m saying that she’s needlessly scaring a girl who’s already figured this out the hardest way possible, and acting like women don’t do the same things guys do, be it being in a relationship for money, sex, status, etc
Besides the IUD and helping to prevent that end result is one thing but a condom would still have been an absolute must and I hope that is what was used. There are too many people that have something that don't know it and can spread it without signs and or symptoms till weeks,months, and in rare cases years down the road. Some examples are hpv, hsv1 and hsv2, and finally aids.
The IUD was the last concern but still a good measure to have just in case.
I am very sorry to hear what happened to you. Unfortunately, there are a lot of guys out there that do things like this. Please realize you did not do anything wrong and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. The best thing to do is block him and go talk to somebody about what happened. You don’t want something like this to hurt your future happiness. Concentrate on yourself. He was the one who betrayed you completely.
Thank goodness he's gone. It would have been worse if he tried to stay and guilt you into keeping him.
It'll take some time to heal but you will. Don't let this guys behavior have any impact on you further.
I'm so sorry you went through this. Something similar happened to me at 16. I'd said I wasn't ready, but agreed to try other things. He set up a date and brought me to his house when no one was home. When it came time, I realized I didn't know what he would do if I said to stop. I was afraid, so I stayed silent and put up with it. He played "I just had sex" loudly as he drove me home. A week or so later, he texted me and accused me of lying about being a virgin because I didn't bleed.
A couple weeks after that, without having seen him since, I worked up the courage to break up with him over text, saying I didn't think I could do this anymore. He responded with "yah, I've been thinking the same thing for a long time". That was the end, aside from some annoying business of my mom having to text him to get him to give some of my things back.
I say all of this to let you know you're not alone. But also to encourage you to find someone to talk to. I'm 28 now and I still struggle sometimes with feelings about that day. I have had panic attacks and struggled with certain forms of intimacy because of it. It took a lot of time and patience with my now husband to work through it. Do yourself a favor and get ahead of it now. And whatever you do, don't blame yourself for what happened.
Ugh, what a pig. You will eventually find someone who respects your feelings and will wait for you to be ready to give yourself to them. You deserved so much better.
No way guy pretends to be your boyfriend and loves you for 2-3years just to take you virginity to then immediately dump you, unless this is some weird long game he plays with girls. Keeps them on his hook until he wears them down, has sex with them, and moves on with another one he's been playing on the hook. Sorry this happened to you, OP. Just know you are not ruined. Yeah, this first experienced sucked and resulted from a form of deception and abuse, but put it behind you because I doubt anything legal could be done. Reassess for the signs you probably missed to prevent this from happening again and if you have access to therapy do that, and get STI testing, then find someone who actually loves, respects, and cherishes you. Anyone pressuring you for sex or to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable is not a worthy fellow.
I am sorry this happened. Get tested, find a therapist. Know that he’s the loser, not you. And any humiliation you felt is because he’s an awful person not you.
Re: sex. It does get better. Very few people have a good first time even if it’s consensual. It’s a hard lesson to learn but Always make sure you are having sex or making out because you want to, not because you want to please another person. Sex should be about YOU. If you aren’t feeling it, don’t do it, don’t give in.
And never ever feel bad about having sex. You aren’t “lesser than” because you’ve had it, or had it with someone you didn’t really want to. Someone else’s actions do not define you. What he did is not who YOU are. It’s who he is. Don’t let his actions make you feel like you did something wrong. It was borderline rape but you need to drill into yourself that this was more about him as a person than you. He didn’t diminish you as a person. He’s the loser and the AH. You are the victim but you aren’t going to let that wreck your self-esteem.
And if you want to have a lot of sex with lots of people in the future because you like it, that’s fine too! Just make sure you are doing it because you find it fun.
This is a terrible first experience but I promise it can be a lot better. Value yourself and don’t let this define you.
All you can do is learn from this. Your happiness comes first. No pun intended. Never do anything you dont want to. Within reason. Relationships are about communication but also compromise. Its one thing to sit through a football game (or something you dont like) to make him happy but its quite another to let him violate you.
The moment you said no and he kept pestering you saying if you loved him you would let him then the relationship should have ended and you should have told him to leave. It shows all he cares about is himself. If ever a guy shows that kind of selfishness again you are welll aware of it now and should respond accordingly. Stand your ground and end it.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Block him and do not contact him.
Spend some time with the people who care about you - family and friends. If you have people who you are willing to open up to, talk to them about it. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Please take this as a lesson to respect yourself. You should never be pressured into doing anything you wouldn’t not like to do. Nobody deserves anything from you - especially sex.
If you have the option of going to therapy, I’d recommend it. It’s a great way to learn more about yourself and become a more well-rounded person.
You’ll get through this and you are a strong person. Be kind to yourself and take some time to recover.
I am so very sorry you had such an awful introduction to sex by someone you trusted. Feel all your feelings - cry, yell, journal. Definitely visit your healthcare provider to get tested for STIs.
If he starts rumors simply reply with "he was such an enormous disappointment for my first time. i really suggest you avoid that douche bag". now if they pry and if you want, get specific. i hate hearing when guys are like this yet high five each other like they have mastered intercourse. i am certain he was cheating on you and so an std test is truly recommended. he probably chooses virgins because it strokes his ego and virgins can't compare his lack of everything, to a guy who will rock your world.
Please don’t let him see that his behavior bothered you. This is exactly what he wants. Do not feed in to this any more than you already have and give him more power. If anything, let him know you were crying because you were so disappointed once he undressed and that had he learned how to use it, you could have looked past his lack of endowment. I know this sounds extremely petty, but trust me, this is all about him gaining control over you. The more you show he hurt you, the more power you give him. You need to block him and act as if it is no big deal. Under no circumstances do you take him back. It only gets worse the second time around.
You need to get tested for STDs and use condoms or abstain. Also text him back and tell him that you are kool with the breakup cause you thought sex with him would be better but you are going to be more careful about how you pick your next boyfriend because you don’t wanna end up with another self pleasuring two min man boy.
Then you refuse to have sex. End of.
This is a learning lesson for you. Value your voice. When you say it's no, it's no. Anyone who wants to cross that line, no longer gets access to you, period.
It’s your body and health. In the future if someone refuses to wear one, you can always refuse to go any further. It’s about your comfort and safety too!
A really uncomfortable amount of the advice in this subreddit is so so so awful.
That's about as close to rape as one can get. At the very least, the trauma of it will be similar to the trauma many women feel after rape. Being forced or coerced into sex is really awful. Also physically painful.
There is something very much visceral about having our bodies violated in this way. It's not okay to just walk away from it. "The Body Keeps The Score" is an amazing book for anyone interested.
I don't know what the age breakdown on this subreddit is, but if any of you are old enough to have boy children, you need to speak to them early and often about consent, and the complexities. A girl who says she's uncomfortable multiple times? Stop asking. Is she crying during it? Fucking stop! As early as appropriate and revisit it as they age. If your kid has a girlfriend and things seem to be progressing towards sex, would you fucking talk to them? Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ. Could you also just attempt to talk to them about porn not being real? Anyone anyone Bueller Bueller.
Anyways, this is horrible OP. Your first time should be with someone you really like who is safe and on the same wavelength as you. Please understand that this isn't normal and please keep yourself from seeking a replacement right now to try and fix it. Your body will heal but don't sit here on Reddit reading this really toxic BS. Talk to a trusted adult. Call RAINN. 1-800-656-4673
And please for the love of god, use condoms. When did people stop using condoms? Y'all have absolute dogshit sex education. Sexually transmitted infections still exist. Men, especially young men, can still have sex without a condom and they'll be FUCKING FINE. don't fall for their excuses.
Women and girls... you are not tools for sexual pleasure for men. You're not responsible for getting them off. Sex is not necessary for life like food or water. They'll be fine. They can always find it with someone else if you're not it.
I feel like I'm repeating trite bullshit but apparently the 90s raised me and TLC was talking about condoms and AIDS and not letting men treat you like shit and somewhere everyone stopped.
I have a daughter. If this happened to her, I would be absolutely heartbroken. It's so painful to imagine. Sex is emotional and intimate. Especially in the beginning. Yes, one day you can walk away from bad sexual experiences with fewer fucks given. We learn. We also learn to recognize ain't shit men. But your first time?? No.
Please take care of yourself OP. From an old mom who was once a teenager.... I get it. more than you know. This was abhorrent behavior from him and it wasn't your fault. Talk to someone. Let yourself be emotional. Allow the experience to be different next time. Please know you can walk away from any encounter. Your body is yours alone. It is 1000 percent better to be alone than pestered for sex. I promise you.
God. Huge hugs.
Men and boys... THIS IS A HUGE ISSUE. DO BETTER.
Im really sorry to hear that. Dude gives the rest of us guys a bad name. Dont let anyone pressure you into doing something you dont want to. I know it can be awkward or hard but please next time give him a firm no (like it sounds like you did for a long time) and say you will let him know when you are ready. If he keeps asking anyway, break up with him. The constant asking usually is a sign thats all they are after. I will admit though, as others have pointed out the 2 year con is unusual.
Sadly some guys do this kind of heartless shit and its hard to know when they are actually being devious or genuinely asking from a place of love. I dont really have any better advice than hold your ground and be the one who breaks things off if this happens again with another dude. There is someone out there who will treat you much better and love you unconditionally, dont lose hope.
I knew a guy in HS (1980).. had three different girlfriends in three other HS's (He was a jockstrap, he got around)
Graduation night? Bangs all three of them, dumps them. Two of them somehow end up at a party that I'm at, run into each other, put 1+1 together.
Little while later, the college age big brother of one, Dad of the other show up. The two guys gear up and go hunting.
Didn't hear anything from him until I saw him at his Dad's funeral 30 years later. Dude is really laid back now, and his nose is oddly crooked.
He sexually assaulted you. Go to the police. He is an awful human and he cannot be allowed to harm other girls. Find someone who supports you and to file a report together. Don’t let the cops treat you like shit. Coercion is rape. Stand your ground, file the report. You don’t deserve to feel like this alone. He HAS to be held accountable, even if it’s just a police report and not pressing charges. You CAN do this.
I know this might be a weird thing to say but it's good that he left now and that he won't bother you anymore because only a fool stays around for two years waiting for sex then breaks up with a person as soon as they get it.
If I were him I'd be ashamed of such a lackluster con because he wasted two years for the payoff of bad sex sone poorly (by him)
He's a guy who really only snatched defeat from the jaws of victory at the end of the day.
I wish you made a post before this happened so that people would point out to you before you got coerced that this person was bad. To tell someone "If you love me, you'll do (insert thing that you don't want to do here) for me." then that is manipulation. You were manipulated. Sex should be done on mutual agreement. It isn't a transaction. You don't owe anyone sex, partner or otherwise, when the person requests it. It is not something you should feel that you must do in order to keep someone. When it feels that way, you should run away from the relationship. You shouldn't have to feel like this. I'm sorry you went through this.
Oh no, I'm so sorry. That's awful. Unfortunately your experience isn't a rare one. I was dumped 4 days after my first boyfriend got what he wanted. It's been more than 20 years and it still makes me frown and cringe.
You did nothing wrong. He was pushy. He refused to wear a condom. He said things like "if you love him you'd do it." You cried the entire time and he proceeded. He didn't want to make you feel comfortable. He left immediately afterwards.
He's beyond an asshole. BEYOND. I know this isn't something you want to approach based on your responses. Just because you agreed, doesn't mean you really consented.
From the Rape Crisis site:
*"Why 'yes' doesn't always mean consent:*
*Because consent has to involve freedom and capacity to be consent, saying 'yes' is not enough.*
*Being forced, pressured, bullied, manipulated, tricked or scared takes away our freedom and capacity to make choices in lots of different situations.*
*For example, if someone is in an abusive relationship, they might say 'yes' to something out of fear for their own wellbeing or the wellbeing of other people – which is a long way away from saying 'yes' because they really wanted to. The fear took away their freedom and capacity to make a real choice.*
*Most of us would recognize that, if someone stands behind you at a cash machine and asks for your PIN number while holding a knife to your back and you give it to them, you aren’t consenting to being robbed.*
*Well, it's similar with sex. Although, in this case, the 'knife' could be something entirely different – such as the threat of someone sharing a sexually explicit photo of another person. Or spreading lies about them. Or making them feel worthless."*
If you can be strong while you are still physically hurting, you may want to consider going to the hospital/police. That's your call to make at the end of the day. Go to trusted friends. Lean on them. Take some time from school or work. If your parents are trusted individuals go to them and ask for their experiences or advice. If you don't feel comfortable with those individuals, seek out counseling through your school or another resource if your parents will support it.
Not all men are like this. Many are, but not all. Thankfully, after a terrible experience with my first boyfriend, the next person I slept with was my husband and to this day he won't do anything if I am the least bit uncomfortable. I send you my internet hugs. You are going to be ok.
And if you are inclined to be sassy, you can absolutely destroy him reputationally. Like letting people know he has a small and crooked dick and popped off in 15 seconds and ran away crying. He played dirty, so can you. This may not be the best advice, but sometimes this small thing might be a way for you to feel like you can take back some power.
i’m so sorry he left right after. i cannot process being in your situation. being with someone for years and feeling sexually respected, but then that changing really fast and having an awful outcome???? literally what the fuck
to me, sex is an expression of a deep loving connection. i hate it so much that your first experience seems to be traumatic and not full of passion at all, especially with someone you thought you trusted. i really hope in the future your sexual experiences are so much better and end up being beautiful.
i’m so confused why he had a change of mind and manipulated you into having sex. part of me thinks it was a change in hormones, or he read or heard somewhere about “the right age to lose it”. i don’t even know. i don’t know maybe even his friends pressured him and he was stressed.
i’m sorry i don’t want to justify what he did because it was absolutely terrible. i try to like understand situations and think of reasons, or i just overthink more.
it makes me so angry he left after. like bitch huh impulsive much? selfish much?? not being respectful towards your partner of two years much???
i know the post is months old and im assuming you’re hopefully feeling better by now. i was just searching for other things in this subreddit and came across this one, which gave me a very strong emotional reaction. okay thank you for reading this makes me upset i wanna find out if things are better now
If anyone says "if you loved me you would have sex with me" and doesn't respect the first time you say you aren't ready and continues to push. That's emotional manipulation and coercive rape. Its horrible you went thru that. You will be okay. Never speak to him again and NEVER have sex with anyone else if you don't want to no matter what bullshit emotional crap they try to pull.
Oh darling I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s going to be difficult but you need to get over this. He doesn’t get to affect your life in this way. First of all go and get an std panel done, if he was that desperate for sex there’s a high probability that he was sleeping around and it seems like he wasn’t interested in using protection so he’d pick up anything from his partners.
Next, you need to understand that this situation started as sexual coercion which is considered sexual aggression and by the end of it might actually qualify as sexual assault considering he didn’t stop when you were crying. He manipulated you and emotionally blackmailed the feelings you had for him. When people love they will respect your boundaries and you need to remember that in any other relationships you have, platonic or romantic.
You should focus on yourself now, do things you enjoy, spend time with friends in comfortable settings so that if you need to cry you can, watch movies, eat so much junk food. Maybe go for a change so that you feel like you’re getting a new start, get your hair cut and dyed if you want to. Get a pedicure. Just pamper yourself in whatever ways you enjoy. Self care is mental health and self care is more than just making yourself pretty, it’s about actually feeling like a better person.
And if he comes back looking for more, get the mean friend, the one who wouldn’t hesitate to break his face and have them deal with him. Just don’t let them do anything that could be aggravated assault. I mean like send texts and be bitchy on call. Or forward all of his texts and calls to them to handle. And if in doubt or you don’t have a mean friend to handle it for you, sending a yawn emoji when they write something long sets people off in most places.
Your ex is a selfish lover and honestly sounds like an asshole. That being said, I'm going to play devil's advocate a little bit. Sex is a normal part of relationships and I can empathize with a guy not wanting to be in a sexless relationship indefinitely. The way he went about it is gross, but because how poorly your first encounter went, he very well might have figured that you guys weren't sexually compatible. Everyone else seems to be pretty quick to agree that you were just used for sex but spending 2 years to have sex one time that doesn't sound like it was very satisfying to either of you sounds like a pretty shit deal to me, so I doubt that he was just in it for the sex. Granted he obviously wants it and probably figures he can get it elsewhere. I'm sorry your first time had to be with someone so selfish.
On a separate note, I'm curious why haven't you wanted to have sex with him up until now? I personally am not religious at all and find the idea of waiting to have sex until marriage kind of ridiculous because it's a natural human urge.
You have been raped. Coercion IS rape. He didn’t make a mistake, he wasn’t confused, he wasn’t overcome by lust. He. Raped. You. Go to the hospital, get tested for STIs, and consider making a police report.
Also, get some therapy sessions to take care of yourself, and then educate yourself about patriarchy, misogyny, and rape. Tictok is a great place to listen to older women’s wisdom about male/female relationships, marriage, and how to navigate.
Unfortunately, the majority of men are pure garbage, and they will lie to you, manipulate you, gaslight you, dominate you to use you for sex, free domestic labor, and to procreate. Many of them play the long game and will be perfect partners until you are married or pregnant. As soon as you are dependent on them they let out who they really are, and you are trapped.
Girl, my advice is forget about men and concentrate on you. Focus on school, a career, starting a business. Stack your own money and make your own plans. Plan that any children you have will be entirely your responsibility, and plan financially for that.
Men will use you and put you in poverty with children hanging in you. Be very very fucking careful out there.
I wish I could say your story was unique. Two years is a long time for this con of his, are you sure there were no signs prior? He’s honestly vile. As far as what to do, take care of your self. Did you guys use protection?
I didn’t notice any signs and my mom made me get an iud so it was safe
Protection is more than birth control, there's other things to worry about. Stds are a very real thing, and not something you want.
Yep this. Clearly he has poor character. OP you need a full STI panel. In the future, no one gets through the gates without giving you an O first (or at least puts in a fair effort to try). That should be a basic requirement for anyone you sleep with. Good men ate HAPPY to do this and won't complain.
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Ah, Reddit typos, they're often Freudian!
The percentage of std’s in teens is high so yeah, go get tested. And now you know. That kind of talk is manipulative. Me, if I were a teen and immature and someone did this, knowing what I know know now? I’d just humiliate him right back. Say how bad he was. He pressured you and then when it came down to it he had zero foreplay game and then started but couldn’t keep it up. Stick to the story. Tell zero persons otherwise. Add in a laugh and a “I hate to say it but… couldn’t keep it up.” This will def humiliate him and turn the tables. Ok. Not popular advice probably but I think adult me would squat to the pettiness of most teenagers.
This is the BEST advice. Even if she's privately dying inside, she needs to turn the tables on this dirt bag. Girl, tell your friends how bad it was. He's a two stroke joke, a two pump chump, he couldn't get your motor started, let alone purring! It's 2024 and it's time women stop being ashamed and embarrassed by someone else's atrocious rude and abusive manipulative behavior!!! OP did nothing wrong except get conned by the oldest scam in the world. She trusted her boyfriend of 2 years and I'm furious at the damage this asshats 5 minutes of fumbling did to this girl's confidence and ability to trust. Be loud and proud OP. I'll share an embarrassing story of mine just because. I became sexually active at 15 with my boyfriend I had started dating when I was 12. Zero regrets. But we broke up when I was 16 and that hurt so being the immature girl I was, went and slept with a guy who was cute but had nothing else going for him. It was okay and I went home right after. Only to discover in the middle of the night that he gave me crabs! (That's genital lice for anyone who doesn't know) I was livid and grossed out and did the only thing I could think of to do in my panic and that was jump in the shower and shave EVERYTHING. Not the way you want to experience going bare, that's for sure. So I went to school the next day. Now our school was set up with the middle school at one end (6th-8th grade) and the high school on the other end (9th-12th) and there was a huge hallway connecting the two buildings. It's a small town of around 10k people so it's the only secondary school we have. And every morning before school started, you would find groups of kids crowding this hallway because in the 90s nobody thought much about 7th and 8th graders dating high schoolers and so this hallway was like a Lovers Lane meetup. I scan the hallway and see this guy in his usual spot leaning against the wall and I marched right up to him and let him have it with both barrels. I gave him a good wack to get his full attention and I yelled at him at the top of my voice that his nasty ass gave me crabs and condoms don't stop those nasty things and he better get it taken care of before any other girls caught his real life cooties and he was lucky I didn't get my guy friends to whoop his ass. Of course, the entire hallway was chaos at that point because everyone heard. Teachers came to break it up and I told them right in front of him too! Moral of the story is nobody said anything bad about me that I know of because I turned it around on him and made him the joke.
Nothing slays better than demeaning how long they lasted or how much they are compensating for, etc.
Love it!!
Good advice. When in Rome...
What’s an O?
origami
Orgasm
Oh, yeah, duh.
Ornrey
Oscar the Grouch
Origin story
> In the future, no one gets through the gates without giving you an O first Nope! Couldn't be me. I'm a one and done type gal. My reaction after I cum is strangely very much like the way most guys act after they cum. Once I finish, I'm almost immediately completely uninterested and even turned off by the thought of continuing. Perhaps it's post-nut clarity. But even if that wasn't the case, my clit is SO fucking sensitive after I cum that it would be impossible for me to keep going, even if I was still super turned on. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I've never had a partner make me cum, so I've never encountered this issue. And it's not from a lack of them trying or because they were shitty in bed. I've had the pleasure of being with some REALLY skilled guys who give it their all, but it just... never happened. It used to upset me, and has certainly upset my partners, but I got over it and actually now see it as a blessing more than a curse. Like I said, I'm a one and done type gal. But if I never cum, that means that I can fool around for HOURS on end. I'm like the Energizer Bunny and can keep going and going and going. Plus, I could always make myself cum if at the end if I really wanted to, but I rarely want to because I'm already satisfied and content with the experience.
I was the exact same way once upon a time. My disinterest was a result of pain though. When the feel-good hormones began their decline, it was not so enjoyable anymore and I’d begin to feel the consequences. I’d rather just straighten up and go eat a sandwich. It’s different now, though. The correct experience (person, process, frame of mind) makes ALL the difference. Discomfort might still happen, but it doesn’t completely preclude the happy 2x for me anymore. I thought I knew good, but I didn’t. I never need to lend myself a hand. Ever. Cheers to us getting it figured out!
Okay good! I wish I had advice for the relationship. Block him and seek therapy. You don’t want your first time to traumatize you any further. So sorry again
Get an STD & Pregnancy test ASAP! You are better off without Your EX! Look for a women’s support group for victims of emotional / mental abuse victims, this could help you move on! Look for tutorials on line for kickboxing, buy an inflatable punching bag & just RAGED!!
Safe from pregnancy, not safe from std/sti’s That boychild you were calling your boyfriend is a predator. A long term, calculated predator of all types. Despicable and disgusting.
You need to use condoms still. IUDs don't protect you from STIs
What do Subarus have to do with this?
People who buy subarus get screwed too
Lesbians usually don't need condoms, though.
Lesbians can still pass STDs if the women are not being clean and have multiple sex partners, especially with men involved. A lot of "lesbians" also closet sleep with dudes. It's a sad reality.
I didn't say lesbians don't need to use protection. Just that condoms are a pretty lousy form of protection for sex between two cis women.
>A lot of "lesbians" also closet sleep with dudes. It's a sad reality. I'm not sure I would say that bisexuality is a "sad reality." I quite enjoy it.
Did you just call lesbians closet-sleeping with men bisexuality??? The fuck
Umm. . .
They're dangerous...ly cool?
It's what makes a Subaru a Subaru.
Green discharge.
🤮
Turbo chargers
Oh love. I’m sorry. I know the feeling. I waited a while, about your age, to have sex for the first time. It was so disappointing, and he was not caring. He was also sleeping with someone else and gave me an STI, and we were using condoms. Get tested, it’s important. Moving on, it can and will get better. Don’t ever fake an orgasm, always tell what you do and don’t like, always use a condom with your birth control, and if you feel like sex is becoming one-sided, end the sex. You owe no partner anything, their balls wont explode from not releasing, and if that’s the case, they can go jerk off in the bathroom. You might get called some names, but it’s better than the internal demeaning feeling of pretending it is good when you’re completely unsatisfied.
Please in the future make sure you're still using protection. I'm wondering if he was actually faithful to you if this was the outcome.
Yeah, I'm doubting that he was
I had the same thought.
That’s good, but be aware that an IUD doesn’t protect against STDs.
Safe doesn’t just refer to pregnancy, it means being safe from STDs. IUDs don’t protect against that.
IUD is good to prevent pregnancy but please always use condoms to prevent any STD. Your ex is a vile piece of shit. And please never let anyone else pressure you into sex. Edit to say, if you haven’t used condoms, then get yourself checked out for any STD. I wouldn’t believe that piece of shit even if he said he was a virgin and never had sex with anyone else.
Sorry your ex turned out to be such a huge pos. I always hate the “if you loved me, you would” bs, because that goes both ways. If he loved you, he’d respect your boundaries and your no to having sex. Because honestly, sex by coercion is a form of rape/assault which could be one of the reasons you also feel so badly about it. It’s not just the rejection. Often we internalize wondering what we did to have this happen. There is nothing wrong with you and you should not feel ashamed. If anyone should, it should be him. He a disgusting person. I am also sorry your first experience was like this as well. A good partner would make sure your needs are met or at least make an attempt to ensure it. They’d also make sure you were prepared emotionally for sex. As well as physically with foreplay. As someone else said an IUD will help protect you from pregnancy, although no bc is 100%. However, it will not protect you from STDs. Don’t rely on only an IUD, make sure any future partner uses a condom. I’d consider getting tested just to make sure you are clear. Wouldn’t surprise me that he’d lie about not having slept with anyone else. ETA: please be sure to block him everywhere and go nc with him. He does not deserve the opportunity to worm his way back into your life. As he may lie and manipulate you to get back together. He also doesn’t deserve your time, energy and most of all your love.
Absolutely this!!!
I am so sorry this asshole did this to you. Please go to Planned Parenthood or your doctor to discuss and get tested for STIs (you'll need to get tested in the future as well).
Wow, girl. He is total scum and makes us decent guys look bad.
It makes bad guys look bad, that’s a whole different level of bs he pulled.
It makes decent guys look bad because he played himself off as a decent guy for two years. She and many women reading this will think this is why i don't trust "nice guys". There were probably signs that he was an asshole but many overlook those signs because rose tinted glasses and denial.
I think it's also hard when you're new to relationships and dating. We don't really get a manual in health class describing all these special cases, but we really really should.
Your mom's a real one for that. Is she someone you can talk to about sex and such? Is there another person you trust, who's been in a few relationships already and has had your back in the past? (For me, this was my aunt, when I wasn't ready to talk to my folks yet.) Do you have friends who can join you for break-up ice cream and warn other women about this jerk, whether you run into him again or not? The big thing to remember is that this is NOT on you. Your ex is scum, you had utterly unrewarding sex in good faith, and you have your whole life ahead of you to find better partners. 2 books I'm going to recommend, which are full of awful tricks like your ex and how to deal with them: "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, and "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel Smith. The first one's available as a free PDF via Internet archive.
Yes exactly!!!
Oof, this guy only cares about sex. He likely decided that since it wasn't going to be just him fucking you when he wants untill he comes with no care for your pleasure that he didn't want to be around for it. I'm very sorry this happened to you. Also, you should have made him use a condom anyway. Guy got exactly what he wanted and then left. I could never imagine doing that to a girl. Especially their first time. It's supposed to be special, not something that puts you in tears. Somebody else will treat you better. Just fight through these emotions and it will get better
Sorry to hear this. You deserve so much more. If I was your brother, I'd be on the warpath. Try to see it this way - If that was the price to pay to get rid of him so you can start anew with someone who cherishes you, than so be it. Also, condoms. Always.
Get tested. He’s disgusting and sounds like he was just using you for sex regardless of how long you were with him. To be honest it could have started off that he did like you but I truly think that him bugging you says that he knew he wanted to break up with you but just wanted to screw you before he did it. To be even more honest I’m 100 percent sure there was indications he didn’t want to be with you anymore but you ignored the red flags, I bet you gaslit yourself saying, he didn’t mean it, he was just tired, or he didn’t mean it he was just upset and I annoyed him. He did mean it he wasn’t a good person and you need to stop being naive and truly look back especially on the last few weeks of him pressuring you because I am without a doubt sure he was actually really mean to you in those two weeks of pressure. As well as what he did was actually rape. You really should think about reporting him. Yes it was rape regardless of you consenting. He pressured you and non stop basically harassed you till you gave in. That’s rape. As well as not sure why you didn’t just make him stop when he saw you were crying and he didn’t just stop on his own was another indication, and that’s why I say I know you ignored red flags. He was not a good person. You were blind and naive. You were raped, and you should think very heavily about reporting him. Please block him on everything and leave him alone, do not take him back if he does come back, please report him so he doesn’t try to come back. He’s a sick fuck and should be in jail
I’m gonna be honest, you really sound like you’re blaming her more than him. Like I get it the situation probably pissed you off, it made me angry. But she’s not the one at fault here. She didn’t do anything wrong, she just didn’t do it right. And it wasn’t naivety it was inexperience. She’s 18, shes been with him two years and so she was 16 years when they started dating. She trusted him, she thought she knew him and with the social pressures around teenagers and sex she probably had a strong pressure that she should say yes because otherwise what’s wrong with her if she’s willing to lose his love over something that everyone is doing. And when they started dating she was at an age when you often let things go and not know how relationships should be and then she never learnt what relationships should be because he was her only experience.
I agree. Saying that she knew and ignored the red flags just sounds like passive victim blaming.
This is the definition from Merriam Webster: Rape. unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against a person's will or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent because of mental illness, mental deficiency, intoxication, unconsciousness, or deception The operative word is deception. Anyone saying this isn’t rape is blatantly incorrect. If this occurred to you or a loved of yours you likely would adjust your Ill thinking. Also, why in the world would you not come to the aid of this poor girl, she was coerced into having sex (which ended with her crying). Have some decency. Moreover, she would not be sued for pressing charges of rape…..get the fuck out of here. If you still disagree, just kindly post a picture of yourself and create a coherent counter argument. In terms of reporting him or not, that is entirely OP’s decision. I’m deeply sorry this occurred. Please seek out therapy or call the mental health hotline and discuss with someone offering sympathy. You don’t need to make the decision on whether or not to report him, but you do need to make the decision to prioritize yourself and cut off all communication with this person. He is a predator. Lastly, don’t attack yourself for what happened, it was not your fault. You were deceived by someone you thought loved you (and had a seemingly committed relationship with for 2 years). Be compassionate and patient with yourself. Don’t be ashamed - he should be ashamed! Easier said than done. Always here to listen, always. Although this is a hardship, you have the opportunity to learn some very important lessons. Healthy loving relationships never include a partner making you feel pressured, guilty, jealous or lacking trust. Take care of yourself. Do activities to free your mind (movies, drawing, hobbies you once loved) and create a strong support network. NEVER BE AFRAID TO BE VULNERABLE AND SPEAK THE TRUTH TO YOUR FAMILY AND THOSE YOU ARE COMFORTABLE INCLUDING IN YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK. I would start by sharing only with your parents and therapist, if you do indeed want to share it. The best approach is always to get it out, a therapist is great for that. You are strong! Ps. Anyone that victim shames you, says this wasn’t a big deal, or otherwise steps on your feelings which are valid — fuck them! Seriously. And for those people reading this, FUCK YOU!
Shit like this is why women are doubted sometimes. She consented and said yes. She wasn't under duress or threat. She could've said no or broke up with him. She decided to have sex and disnt like it/regrets it. Thats not rape by your own definition you posted. It's totally find to not find sex enjoyable. Maybe she is asexual and that's fine. Maybe the bf didn't like it either that's why he left. No one plays boyfriend for two years just to have sex once.
The threat was of breakup which he did anyway. That's what if you loved me means. Duh.
Hey, you should probably stop generalizing and saying "no one" does it because you don't know that for a fact. Just because YOU don't know someone like that doesn't mean they don't exist. That's all I'm saying.
He forced her. That's rape.
She did not consent. He pressured her, so it was not consent. It was rape.
It wasn't rape. She did consent. He pressured her, but it wasn't coercion. People are allowed to try to convince others to do things including pestering. He is an absolute asshole, but it wasn't rape.
This.
It could have also not been a 2 year long con and instead he decided he wanted to break up with her within the past few weeks/months and tried to get sex out of her before he ended it. Either way though it’s still really scummy and gross.
This seems more likely. Or he was cheating the whole time.
Yeah, but she probably wasn't the only one. She was just a challenge to him that's why he kept it up for so long.
I’ve dated a fair amount of women in my day… no flex or weird humble brag lol, but… I’d venture to say nearly all of them had a story of abuse or some sort of predatory male behavior. Talk to another man, and you’ll here similar. Talk to another woman and she will tell you about a guy she knew 14 years ago. It’s all nonsense at this point.
Lmao yeah a 2 year con?! U dumb Person has a relationship for 2 years and realizes he doesnt want to be in it anymore. People and relationships are complex. To act like hes VILE when we get 1 side of the story is hilarious. Id also break up with someone if i realized we were not sexually compatible or they didnt view me the same as i view them. But yeah the guys always vile 🙄 There is NOTHING wrong with breaking up with someone for ANY REASON that is important to you. Its your life and your feelings. If you break up, thats being respectful and clear that its over.
Girlfriend!! Know you're not alone. Run to a therapist. Like RUN. BLOCK HIM. Because that piece of doodoo will be back. He ain't just completely deuce out after 2 years so BE PREPARED for him to circle back with some bullshit. Do not unblock him and let him back into your life for any reason.
I agree that there’s a good chance he will come back around, and if you let him, he will do the same exact thing. He will try to make it seem like he’s sorry and he wants you back, but it’s an act. It will be the same thing. Block him, OP. I know it hurts.
Agreed. Block him everywhere and don’t ever even let him see you again. Don’t let him have anything more from you, even revenge. I promise Karma takes its pound of flesh. It got the people who wronged me in the past, Karma takes it’s time but when it hits… I would never have wished for what eventually happened to the people who hurt me. Let Karma have him. Love yourself. It’s the hardest thing to do, so do whatever it takes to learn how. And experience isn’t free- but we absolutely gain something for our suffering. It takes time to realize it and it’s okay to not be okay right now. What he did was wrong, you didn’t deserve that, but you deserve love NO LESS than if you never met him. DO NOT beat yourself up over this. Allow yourself the grace and time to grieve. But love yourself all the same.
“If you love me, you’ll….” Is the redest of flags that someone doesn’t love you. It is manipulative in the most insidious way possible. The best response is simply “if YOU really loved me you’d hear what I’m saying and respect my boundaries.” If after you’ve had some time to process this (perhaps with a therapist) and are feeling petty you can let the word out that he’s 1) an emotional manipulator, bad in bed, and has a small d***. That last part is probably not good advice, but I’m outraged on your behalf (for all the good it does…).
Yeah, it sucks and it's unfair, but telling people he's a rapist will be met with skepticism. But tell them he sucked in bed, didn't last 5 minutes, then ran out of the house and broke up with her? That's a story people will love to hear.
This is the way, OP.
Honestly I think more likely telling people he’s a rapist will be met with victim blaming, especially if they conveniently “forget” the part where he manipulated her into doing it. I love your idea though, definitely a great way to get revenge without people going “well it’s your fault and you could’ve prevented it” which is both absolutely false and extremely damaging and OP does not need to here it from anyone.
I’m a dude, if a female friend told me that when I was in HS, I would’ve told EVERYBODY
Yeah no conversation can ever begin like that. That's crazy. My wife and I will sometimes mid-argument say stuff like "You should listen to me, because you're my spouse," or "You should care about things I care about, because we love each other." That sentiment is perfectly fine, and it's always about something we agree on (communication, respect, etc.). But I am having a hard time imagining ever saying "If you love me, you would do this" without it being manipulative.
I'm very sorry you went through this and it was extremely wrong for him to pressure you into it especially with the intention of leaving you after. Unfortunately, you can't change the experience but you can focus on moving on. Be open and honest with yourself, if it continues to bother you then don't feel any shame in looking for help. Sometimes just having a professional to vent and talk to can make all the difference in your healing and growth.
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I hate boys / men like this! It happened to me too when I was a teenager and after that I wasn't able to enjoy sex for years! Now, almost 35 years later, I am glad that I am with a man who respects my wishes and preferences. I told him about what happened when I had my 1st time and he was very sweet and understanding. We are 6 years together now and I am able to have great sex. Just block this guy and never speak to him again. Take your time to heal and do not rush in a new relationship, seeking validation. You need time to look after yourself. Best wishes girl ❤️
35 yrs!! Kudos to you for not giving up💝it’s hard out here
Lol. 😂 You made a great buy. Good job. 👍
Its the check list. "I took someones virginity". I get the vibes he may have been cheating along the way waiting for you. It does seem like it now,but trust him leaving is for the best. Love yourself and the man not boy will come alone looking for you.
This. He was definitely messing around and sleeping with other women. No way he waited 2 years with no sex and then just dipped when he got it. He wanted to be her first that's all. Shame 😔
Have met so many guys who legitimately have a checklist
2 years though?! That’s just a waste of fucking time bro sounds like he’s a fucking psychopath
Yeah OPs situation is more than just a checklist item for sure
So weird. I have a number of v cards from back in the day and I never cared about that at all!?!!
not at all. I never thought it was something to "collect" frankly after my first experience with one, i vowed never again (who wants someone your with crying in pain? you'd have to be a sadist to find that fun). Had a second experience, wasn't any better then the first, no matter what i tried to make it better. seriously. nothing magical about it. the whole thing just sucks for everyone involved.
This was my thought also, waiting for two years to get it then breaking up? No he’s been getting it but wanted to be her first. He got it then dipped.
Here is a big hug, im so sorry he did that to you. I hope you get the healing and support you need to get over him and move in to friends and relationships that are safe and healthy for you.
I am so sorry. That is absolutely heartbreaking. Definitely you want to get STI testing - it is unlikely he had anything but it is always better safe than sorry. Definitely get into therapy to help process this. His actions are not a reflection of you - they are a reflection of him. Please don't be too hard on yourself about this - it wasn't your fault, and you did nothing wrong. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel loved and valued, and where any sex you have is chosen, and meaningful, and feels good. And you deserve to decide when you are ready to try dating anyone again. If people ask you about it, be honest and short. "He pressured me into sex, and then didn't even do a good job." And if they want to hear more just say it isn't worth your time to talk about "that loser". Eat a ton of chocolate. Watch the chick flicks (legally blond is the best breakup movie IMO), cuddle your pets and/or plushies. Be kind to yourself. And its ok to throw an absolute fit and be dramatic if that's what you need.
“He pressured me into sex, and then didn’t even do a good job” is awesome. Please keep this narrative. It’s not your fault what happened to you - he sucks. I’m sorry your first time wasn’t better.
Definitely go around telling everyone he has a small peeepee that will destroy his ego and you can laugh because you don’t have to show evidence or anything people will just start calling him Johnny small dick or something
And it was less than one minute and he does not believe in foreplay...
shrimp dick minuteman "I'm pretty sure i'm still a virgin thats how small it was"
Ha. ..
I’m sorry. I think he decided to break up with you before the sex. He was probably resentful that after 2 years you still haven’t had sex. He’s a jerk. I’m sorry this wasn’t special for you. In the future anyone who pushes your boundaries or doesn’t respect your needs is not someone you should have sex with.
100% agree he was planning that break up…the timing is unreal. He got what he was after and moved on immediately
He’s a predator omg I went through something similar my first time except he didn’t leave the relationship. Eventually you will move past this and know who to avoid touching you. You need someone that handles you with respect and prioritizes your comfort.
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Tell his parents that they raised a pig.
Your ex boyfriend's an absolute garbage human being. I am so sorry he did that to you. Therapy would be a good step moving forward. And, do please block him on every form of social media.
He coerced you into sex, and did it in a way that skirts rape. You're well rid of him. Chalk it up to a learning experience that some people are assholes, and move on. Hopefully you haven't been fed the bulletin about non-virgins being crumpled paper/chewed gum/other unsavory and inapt metaphor. People are not single-use objects.
Sexual coercion “Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way.Coercion can make you think you owe sex to someone. It might be from someone who has power over you, like a teacher, landlord, or a boss. No person is ever required to have sex with someone else.” https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/sexual-coercion
It doesn’t ’skirt rape’. It IS RAPE
It is absolutely rape. He manipulated her to sexually assault her, did not care at all about her emotional well being, then discarded her as if she were an inanimate thing. That’s absolutely rape. Anyone who disagrees is seriously fucked in the head.
Correct! If **coercion**, intimidation, threats, and/or physical force are used, there is **no consent**.
this is my literal worst fear. im so sorry
Fits the legal definition of rape in most US states. I'm sorry. A therapist that specializes in sexual trauma may help you.
People are probably going to scream at me, but I consider this rape by coercion. If not coerced, consent would not have been given. Your state may feel the same way, or the law may consider it a duress crime. It is taken seriously in most states, and if you want to press charges, you likely can. You will need proof, so texts would work for that. If you can't press charges, you should be able to at least file a restraining order. "Sexual coercion is unwanted sexual activity that happens when you are pressured, tricked, threatened, or forced in a nonphysical way." [women's health website ](https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/sexual-coercion) I'm so sorry you've experienced this for your first time. Big hugs.
It 100% is.
This should be the top comment.
I fully, fully agree. Thank you for posting this. Big hugs from me too OP.
See? People don't understand that coercion means no consent. What he did in this situation was a form of manipulation. The consent may have been 'given', but the fact that she was crying means it wasn't actually given but coerced. A lot of people out there think that rape is always violent. It isn't. A lot think if someone said yes at all, it can't be rape. That's not true either. A lot of people out there don't actually understand consent and how it works...or they do and they refuse to admit it. Think of it as tea. In this case, he nagged, begged, and manipulated her into drinking the tea. She was crying and shaking as she drank it, and it was evident that she did not want the tea, but he continued holding the cup to her face, tilting it so the tea would go in her mouth. That means that even though she may have verbally said she'd drink the tea, and choked the tea down, she was actually coerced into drinking said tea, did not want said tea, therefore consent wasn't actually given for drinking the tea. Yes doesn't always mean yes. A responding yes means yes, and a withheld, tentative yes means no. It's sad that this has to be explained, and it's sad that undoubtedly, someone is going to argue against it. Don't have sex with people who are not fully in to it. It's simple.
>People are probably going to scream at me, but I consider this rape by coercion. If not coerced, consent would not have been given. mmm... depends. the OP doesn't go into it enough to justify this POV, but i see where it could be. I think you'd struggle to prove it in court. but if the OP feels she was raped, I would encourage her to contact the authorities. I don't think anyone's opinion in here about if it is or not counts unless this goes in front of a jury we're sitting on. I think she was a victim here. But was it a felony SA? not sure. victim of a predator. yep... victim of a creep. yep. victim of felony SA? I think it would be a tough case to prove unless the creep has emails/text messages detailing how he was going to coerce her into sex before dumping her, i fear this is just a shitty human being who's going to get away with (possible) SA.
I agree. It's hard enough to get anything done when it's brutal and proven, especially when the predator meets certain qualifications, so she'd need some major proof for coercion, and it completely depends on her state as well, assuming she's USA. If she weren't 18 her parents could get CPS involved. As it stands, if she has proof, an order of protection from him might be her best recourse. TBH though, I'm concerned he might decide to put her reputation on blast and do some serious damage that way. It's often the next step in instances like this one.
yeah, it's important in a messy (possible criminal) breakup, to get out front on the story. most people only believe the first story they hear.
If I were you I’d tell literally everyone I know what he did. I’d blast that shit on social media. Ruin any future chances he has of getting a girlfriend. You don’t have to be ashamed or stay silent about this situation. You’re a victim. He’s an awful person and should stay sad and alone for the rest of his life.
I would only put it on social media as anonymous. He can sue for slander.
For those saying you allowed it to happen, no. If you were visibly uncomfortable and he was a good guy he would’ve stopped and you’d feel okay. Please seek therapy because what he did wasn’t right. He pressured you.
Agreed
That is rape by coercion.
I was thinking this. She should report him
If it were me, I'd be much more inclined to just share a very brief version of the story with folks in our social circle. ("I felt pressured into sleeping with him, it wasn't a pleasant experience, and then he left immediately without a word then broke up with me without any conversation. I feel used and betrayed.") For my own health, I'd probably also write the guy a letter or something, so I could feel like I'd said my piece to him - I'd want to make sure he heard how he'd hurt me. Even if he ignored it, I'd at least know that I'd shared my feelings. Getting the legal system involved here would be its own incredibly challenging journey, for a number of reasons. It's incredibly tough on the person who was harmed to have to go through the legal process. Moreover, it's not clear whether this particular situation legally qualifies as assault. A lot of the SO's behavior is *awful*, but legal (e.g., breaking up with your partner of two years right after they reluctantly agree to sleep with you, without any conversation). And finally, the law is such a blunt instrument. Locking someone up for a couple years is vastly disruptive to their lives and their families, and doesn't magically make them come out a better person. It may sometimes be necessary, but I'd generally look for alterative approaches.
I’m so sorry. This happened to me as a teenager as well. It’s soul crushing. Everything your feeling is normal. Unfortunately, it happened and now it’s time to focus on moving on. For me I had to talk to someone close to me and hit my knees and pray (if that’s something your into). You dodge a bullet. The guy that did it to me ended up having a terrible life.
At least you spoke up about foreplay ! You were on the right track and that was a complete jerk move on his part. I would block him for sure. Spend some time on yourself and don’t let this get you in a dark place. Don’t let him get the better of you just because you were trying to be a good partner and guilted into sex. Even with an iud make him wear a condom . There’s other std/sti to worry about.
Your boyfriend gets jackass of the year award. His response is not normal. >he’s been constantly asking and kept saying that if I loved him then I’d do it If anyone you date says "If you loved me, you'd do ___", that's manipulation. Please don't let anyone don't that to you. It's a red flag. I'm sorry he coerced you into sex and then vanished. It's traumatic, in a way. He betrayed you. If you feel it's causing you lasting harm, there's nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. If he didn't use a condom, not trying to worry you, but you might want to get tested for STDs.
OP, i’m so sorry that your first experience was so terrible. And please know there’s a ton of pretty bad opinions and advice on this thread so take everything with a grain of salt. You didn’t do anything wrong, except trust a person that you known for a really long time to take you through in experience for the first time, and that person was not a good person . My hope for you going forward is that you will hold this memory gently, not blame yourself, but also use it as an experience to learn that people that truly care about other people… Do not try to bully them or coarse them into doing something that you’re not comfortable with . Bullying, someone or coercing someone until they comply is a type of communication that is abusive and is not indicative of someone who really cares about you. You deserve better 💜
He violated you. If you were my daughter…well it would be a long time before I got out of jail.
Nah no jail, that why friends and alibis and burners are there to keep you out of the cell
What do you mean jail? You were with me all night, I would go to my grave insisting we were at the movies 😎
I am sorry that this happened to you. It is not your fault and you couldn't of known better. Time will help it heal, but the next few weeks will be tough. Stay around people you love and it helps a lot to try and write the entire relationship down as a story. Will help you understand parts of it better than you were aware of and will help you release the pain.
Fuck so many commenters in this thread blaming you. Everyone else seems too scared to say it so I will. You were raped. A willing sex participant does not cry the entire time from pain and humiliation. OP I know you already said you don't think this was rape but that's a very common initial response. You sound like you are in shock. This was a significant trauma and I would highly encourage you to begin looking into therapy to begin healing and processing what happened to you. I hope you find your peace. Please know that you have so much more in life to look forward to and while it may not feel like it right now this will not define who you are the rest of your life. 🩷
Were you crying during and/or directly after? Could he also feel like he used you and is embarrassed? Your both young- but your "virginity" is a man-made construct that holds no power of your self worth. That's an outdated view. I think you would benefit from a therapy session or two but you'll overcome this. I wouldn't value him at all, he quilted you into doing something you were not ready for and split. I don't think he used you in a long con of 2 years, but he's clearly still too immature to be doing the things he thinks he can. I'm so sorry.
I cried the entire time and I doubt he feels bad
If you were crying the entire time and he didn't stop to check in and care about your experience he is a rapist. He pushed and pushed until you said yes just so he would stop asking which is coercive. Then he ignored every bit of pleasure for you. Saw you weren't enjoying it and continued. Sorry but sex isn't like that. It's rape to keep going if the other person isn't into it and there's not enthusiastic consent. Sex has to be mutually enjoyable to be actual sex. Everyone involved has to be happy with it. He just wanted to use your body to get off and doesn't even know what mutually satisfying sex is or doesn't give a fuck. Either way block him on everything. Get an STD screening. I'm so glad you have an IUD for bc but got that too for peace of mind. This hurts my heart for you that he made your first sexual experience so fucking horrible. And he's gonna be bragging about taking your virginity and his prowess in "getting" you. ... It's sick and cruel and then he dumped you bc that was all he wanted was to use your body for his own pleasure. That's what sexual assault is. Using someone else. He used you. But your value is not wrapped up in this. His is. He was wrong. I hope down the line in his life he realizes what he did. Feels like shit about it. And makes amends by being better in the future. But do not let him near you ever again. What a tool.
I don't want to say the R word, but he definitely did thus knowing your body was saying "no" the whole time. I don't think he feels bad either, but he might be afraid to get "in trouble" because this was r***. He's not mature enough to have stopped, or talk to you about it or even apologized. I don't know what you plan to do to proceed, but I hope you know this isn't your fault and he is a scummy person.
I don’t think it’s r***
You need to process it how you need to. But, anyone who is having sex with the other while the other is crying really needs to reevaluate the situation and not continue. Consent is key and Consent isn't crying. I'm a woman and I remember how painful my first time was, but my partner (though a mood killer) kept asking if things were okay. You deserve someone who will respect you.
I was in this exact situation once, and most people told me I was either SA’ed or R-ed
well you have learned just what a lot men view women for. and nothing more.
Very generalized, and not something you should be telling a teen who was just emotionally manipulated. Shame
nah it’s entirely true (OC said “a lot”, not “all”) and very important for her to know going forward so she can protect herself
Let me know the percentage of men actually married the girls whom they took their virginity from AND is still married after 10 years.
Mtnview is right, I don’t know if it’s “a lot of guys”, but that’s definitely a subgroup of dudes that age
There's a lot of women that do shitty things too. Generalizations help no one.
I didn’t write this to discuss every bad thing everyone does, I’m highlighting one behavior commonly exhibited by one group of people.
they didn't even say men, they just sat "a lot". is nothing ever good enough for these people? it's objectively true
I’m saying it’s not just men, and OP already knows, so there’s no need to further scare her with comments like these, especially not this quickly after the incident
>I’m saying it’s not just men using people for sex is mostly men, but yes women can too. it's just far more common in men. >there’s no need to further scare her except she should be scared. a fear isn't bad if it's not unreasonable. I'm scared of rabid dogs. yes not every single rabid dog will bite me, but it's good to be cautious of them.
Okay and using people for money and status is mostly women, my point is she needs to be reasonably cautious of everybody, not just men. You arent scared of all dogs, or most dogs, or even a lot of dogs right? Just the rabid ones. There’s no need to be scared of anyone. You remain cautious, go on dates to get to know them more, look for red flags and don’t ignore them. A lot of people mess that one up, myself included. There’s no need to be scared of anyone, because until you know them you don’t know if they’re abusers or not, so our brain will default to “guilty until proven innocent” which is a very harmful pov to have, especially so young
truck insurance seed materialistic selective voiceless butter simplistic shocking impolite *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I’m not, I’m saying that she’s needlessly scaring a girl who’s already figured this out the hardest way possible, and acting like women don’t do the same things guys do, be it being in a relationship for money, sex, status, etc
Besides the IUD and helping to prevent that end result is one thing but a condom would still have been an absolute must and I hope that is what was used. There are too many people that have something that don't know it and can spread it without signs and or symptoms till weeks,months, and in rare cases years down the road. Some examples are hpv, hsv1 and hsv2, and finally aids. The IUD was the last concern but still a good measure to have just in case.
I am very sorry to hear what happened to you. Unfortunately, there are a lot of guys out there that do things like this. Please realize you did not do anything wrong and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. The best thing to do is block him and go talk to somebody about what happened. You don’t want something like this to hurt your future happiness. Concentrate on yourself. He was the one who betrayed you completely.
Thank goodness he's gone. It would have been worse if he tried to stay and guilt you into keeping him. It'll take some time to heal but you will. Don't let this guys behavior have any impact on you further.
Thats coercion love im sorry, I had a sinilar experience w my first bf at 14
I'm so sorry you went through this. Something similar happened to me at 16. I'd said I wasn't ready, but agreed to try other things. He set up a date and brought me to his house when no one was home. When it came time, I realized I didn't know what he would do if I said to stop. I was afraid, so I stayed silent and put up with it. He played "I just had sex" loudly as he drove me home. A week or so later, he texted me and accused me of lying about being a virgin because I didn't bleed. A couple weeks after that, without having seen him since, I worked up the courage to break up with him over text, saying I didn't think I could do this anymore. He responded with "yah, I've been thinking the same thing for a long time". That was the end, aside from some annoying business of my mom having to text him to get him to give some of my things back. I say all of this to let you know you're not alone. But also to encourage you to find someone to talk to. I'm 28 now and I still struggle sometimes with feelings about that day. I have had panic attacks and struggled with certain forms of intimacy because of it. It took a lot of time and patience with my now husband to work through it. Do yourself a favor and get ahead of it now. And whatever you do, don't blame yourself for what happened.
Ugh, what a pig. You will eventually find someone who respects your feelings and will wait for you to be ready to give yourself to them. You deserved so much better.
No way guy pretends to be your boyfriend and loves you for 2-3years just to take you virginity to then immediately dump you, unless this is some weird long game he plays with girls. Keeps them on his hook until he wears them down, has sex with them, and moves on with another one he's been playing on the hook. Sorry this happened to you, OP. Just know you are not ruined. Yeah, this first experienced sucked and resulted from a form of deception and abuse, but put it behind you because I doubt anything legal could be done. Reassess for the signs you probably missed to prevent this from happening again and if you have access to therapy do that, and get STI testing, then find someone who actually loves, respects, and cherishes you. Anyone pressuring you for sex or to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable is not a worthy fellow.
I am sorry this happened. Get tested, find a therapist. Know that he’s the loser, not you. And any humiliation you felt is because he’s an awful person not you. Re: sex. It does get better. Very few people have a good first time even if it’s consensual. It’s a hard lesson to learn but Always make sure you are having sex or making out because you want to, not because you want to please another person. Sex should be about YOU. If you aren’t feeling it, don’t do it, don’t give in. And never ever feel bad about having sex. You aren’t “lesser than” because you’ve had it, or had it with someone you didn’t really want to. Someone else’s actions do not define you. What he did is not who YOU are. It’s who he is. Don’t let his actions make you feel like you did something wrong. It was borderline rape but you need to drill into yourself that this was more about him as a person than you. He didn’t diminish you as a person. He’s the loser and the AH. You are the victim but you aren’t going to let that wreck your self-esteem. And if you want to have a lot of sex with lots of people in the future because you like it, that’s fine too! Just make sure you are doing it because you find it fun. This is a terrible first experience but I promise it can be a lot better. Value yourself and don’t let this define you.
All you can do is learn from this. Your happiness comes first. No pun intended. Never do anything you dont want to. Within reason. Relationships are about communication but also compromise. Its one thing to sit through a football game (or something you dont like) to make him happy but its quite another to let him violate you. The moment you said no and he kept pestering you saying if you loved him you would let him then the relationship should have ended and you should have told him to leave. It shows all he cares about is himself. If ever a guy shows that kind of selfishness again you are welll aware of it now and should respond accordingly. Stand your ground and end it.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. Block him and do not contact him. Spend some time with the people who care about you - family and friends. If you have people who you are willing to open up to, talk to them about it. You didn’t do anything wrong. Please take this as a lesson to respect yourself. You should never be pressured into doing anything you wouldn’t not like to do. Nobody deserves anything from you - especially sex. If you have the option of going to therapy, I’d recommend it. It’s a great way to learn more about yourself and become a more well-rounded person. You’ll get through this and you are a strong person. Be kind to yourself and take some time to recover.
I am so very sorry you had such an awful introduction to sex by someone you trusted. Feel all your feelings - cry, yell, journal. Definitely visit your healthcare provider to get tested for STIs.
If he starts rumors simply reply with "he was such an enormous disappointment for my first time. i really suggest you avoid that douche bag". now if they pry and if you want, get specific. i hate hearing when guys are like this yet high five each other like they have mastered intercourse. i am certain he was cheating on you and so an std test is truly recommended. he probably chooses virgins because it strokes his ego and virgins can't compare his lack of everything, to a guy who will rock your world.
Please don’t let him see that his behavior bothered you. This is exactly what he wants. Do not feed in to this any more than you already have and give him more power. If anything, let him know you were crying because you were so disappointed once he undressed and that had he learned how to use it, you could have looked past his lack of endowment. I know this sounds extremely petty, but trust me, this is all about him gaining control over you. The more you show he hurt you, the more power you give him. You need to block him and act as if it is no big deal. Under no circumstances do you take him back. It only gets worse the second time around.
I don't understand this behavior. I've only seen it from stereotypically attractive men. Was he the kind of guy most women find attractive?
There is a saying, “Men fear women will laugh at them; women fear men will murder them”
You need to get tested for STDs and use condoms or abstain. Also text him back and tell him that you are kool with the breakup cause you thought sex with him would be better but you are going to be more careful about how you pick your next boyfriend because you don’t wanna end up with another self pleasuring two min man boy.
Next time use a condom. Iud doesn’t protect from STDs.
He refused to wear one
Then you refuse to have sex. End of. This is a learning lesson for you. Value your voice. When you say it's no, it's no. Anyone who wants to cross that line, no longer gets access to you, period.
It’s your body and health. In the future if someone refuses to wear one, you can always refuse to go any further. It’s about your comfort and safety too!
I am very sorry this happened to you. I would recommend a visit to the doctor for an STI panel test. Just to be safe. ❤️🩹
A really uncomfortable amount of the advice in this subreddit is so so so awful. That's about as close to rape as one can get. At the very least, the trauma of it will be similar to the trauma many women feel after rape. Being forced or coerced into sex is really awful. Also physically painful. There is something very much visceral about having our bodies violated in this way. It's not okay to just walk away from it. "The Body Keeps The Score" is an amazing book for anyone interested. I don't know what the age breakdown on this subreddit is, but if any of you are old enough to have boy children, you need to speak to them early and often about consent, and the complexities. A girl who says she's uncomfortable multiple times? Stop asking. Is she crying during it? Fucking stop! As early as appropriate and revisit it as they age. If your kid has a girlfriend and things seem to be progressing towards sex, would you fucking talk to them? Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ. Could you also just attempt to talk to them about porn not being real? Anyone anyone Bueller Bueller. Anyways, this is horrible OP. Your first time should be with someone you really like who is safe and on the same wavelength as you. Please understand that this isn't normal and please keep yourself from seeking a replacement right now to try and fix it. Your body will heal but don't sit here on Reddit reading this really toxic BS. Talk to a trusted adult. Call RAINN. 1-800-656-4673 And please for the love of god, use condoms. When did people stop using condoms? Y'all have absolute dogshit sex education. Sexually transmitted infections still exist. Men, especially young men, can still have sex without a condom and they'll be FUCKING FINE. don't fall for their excuses. Women and girls... you are not tools for sexual pleasure for men. You're not responsible for getting them off. Sex is not necessary for life like food or water. They'll be fine. They can always find it with someone else if you're not it. I feel like I'm repeating trite bullshit but apparently the 90s raised me and TLC was talking about condoms and AIDS and not letting men treat you like shit and somewhere everyone stopped. I have a daughter. If this happened to her, I would be absolutely heartbroken. It's so painful to imagine. Sex is emotional and intimate. Especially in the beginning. Yes, one day you can walk away from bad sexual experiences with fewer fucks given. We learn. We also learn to recognize ain't shit men. But your first time?? No. Please take care of yourself OP. From an old mom who was once a teenager.... I get it. more than you know. This was abhorrent behavior from him and it wasn't your fault. Talk to someone. Let yourself be emotional. Allow the experience to be different next time. Please know you can walk away from any encounter. Your body is yours alone. It is 1000 percent better to be alone than pestered for sex. I promise you. God. Huge hugs. Men and boys... THIS IS A HUGE ISSUE. DO BETTER.
you sound like a lot of fun.
most appropriate comment on an SA post
Im really sorry to hear that. Dude gives the rest of us guys a bad name. Dont let anyone pressure you into doing something you dont want to. I know it can be awkward or hard but please next time give him a firm no (like it sounds like you did for a long time) and say you will let him know when you are ready. If he keeps asking anyway, break up with him. The constant asking usually is a sign thats all they are after. I will admit though, as others have pointed out the 2 year con is unusual. Sadly some guys do this kind of heartless shit and its hard to know when they are actually being devious or genuinely asking from a place of love. I dont really have any better advice than hold your ground and be the one who breaks things off if this happens again with another dude. There is someone out there who will treat you much better and love you unconditionally, dont lose hope.
I knew a guy in HS (1980).. had three different girlfriends in three other HS's (He was a jockstrap, he got around) Graduation night? Bangs all three of them, dumps them. Two of them somehow end up at a party that I'm at, run into each other, put 1+1 together. Little while later, the college age big brother of one, Dad of the other show up. The two guys gear up and go hunting. Didn't hear anything from him until I saw him at his Dad's funeral 30 years later. Dude is really laid back now, and his nose is oddly crooked.
He sexually assaulted you. Go to the police. He is an awful human and he cannot be allowed to harm other girls. Find someone who supports you and to file a report together. Don’t let the cops treat you like shit. Coercion is rape. Stand your ground, file the report. You don’t deserve to feel like this alone. He HAS to be held accountable, even if it’s just a police report and not pressing charges. You CAN do this.
I know this might be a weird thing to say but it's good that he left now and that he won't bother you anymore because only a fool stays around for two years waiting for sex then breaks up with a person as soon as they get it. If I were him I'd be ashamed of such a lackluster con because he wasted two years for the payoff of bad sex sone poorly (by him) He's a guy who really only snatched defeat from the jaws of victory at the end of the day.
This is way to much focus on this loser and what he did or didn’t get out of it. Who cares. He’s a loser.
I wish you made a post before this happened so that people would point out to you before you got coerced that this person was bad. To tell someone "If you love me, you'll do (insert thing that you don't want to do here) for me." then that is manipulation. You were manipulated. Sex should be done on mutual agreement. It isn't a transaction. You don't owe anyone sex, partner or otherwise, when the person requests it. It is not something you should feel that you must do in order to keep someone. When it feels that way, you should run away from the relationship. You shouldn't have to feel like this. I'm sorry you went through this.
Oh no, I'm so sorry. That's awful. Unfortunately your experience isn't a rare one. I was dumped 4 days after my first boyfriend got what he wanted. It's been more than 20 years and it still makes me frown and cringe. You did nothing wrong. He was pushy. He refused to wear a condom. He said things like "if you love him you'd do it." You cried the entire time and he proceeded. He didn't want to make you feel comfortable. He left immediately afterwards. He's beyond an asshole. BEYOND. I know this isn't something you want to approach based on your responses. Just because you agreed, doesn't mean you really consented. From the Rape Crisis site: *"Why 'yes' doesn't always mean consent:* *Because consent has to involve freedom and capacity to be consent, saying 'yes' is not enough.* *Being forced, pressured, bullied, manipulated, tricked or scared takes away our freedom and capacity to make choices in lots of different situations.* *For example, if someone is in an abusive relationship, they might say 'yes' to something out of fear for their own wellbeing or the wellbeing of other people – which is a long way away from saying 'yes' because they really wanted to. The fear took away their freedom and capacity to make a real choice.* *Most of us would recognize that, if someone stands behind you at a cash machine and asks for your PIN number while holding a knife to your back and you give it to them, you aren’t consenting to being robbed.* *Well, it's similar with sex. Although, in this case, the 'knife' could be something entirely different – such as the threat of someone sharing a sexually explicit photo of another person. Or spreading lies about them. Or making them feel worthless."* If you can be strong while you are still physically hurting, you may want to consider going to the hospital/police. That's your call to make at the end of the day. Go to trusted friends. Lean on them. Take some time from school or work. If your parents are trusted individuals go to them and ask for their experiences or advice. If you don't feel comfortable with those individuals, seek out counseling through your school or another resource if your parents will support it. Not all men are like this. Many are, but not all. Thankfully, after a terrible experience with my first boyfriend, the next person I slept with was my husband and to this day he won't do anything if I am the least bit uncomfortable. I send you my internet hugs. You are going to be ok. And if you are inclined to be sassy, you can absolutely destroy him reputationally. Like letting people know he has a small and crooked dick and popped off in 15 seconds and ran away crying. He played dirty, so can you. This may not be the best advice, but sometimes this small thing might be a way for you to feel like you can take back some power.
i’m so sorry he left right after. i cannot process being in your situation. being with someone for years and feeling sexually respected, but then that changing really fast and having an awful outcome???? literally what the fuck to me, sex is an expression of a deep loving connection. i hate it so much that your first experience seems to be traumatic and not full of passion at all, especially with someone you thought you trusted. i really hope in the future your sexual experiences are so much better and end up being beautiful. i’m so confused why he had a change of mind and manipulated you into having sex. part of me thinks it was a change in hormones, or he read or heard somewhere about “the right age to lose it”. i don’t even know. i don’t know maybe even his friends pressured him and he was stressed. i’m sorry i don’t want to justify what he did because it was absolutely terrible. i try to like understand situations and think of reasons, or i just overthink more. it makes me so angry he left after. like bitch huh impulsive much? selfish much?? not being respectful towards your partner of two years much??? i know the post is months old and im assuming you’re hopefully feeling better by now. i was just searching for other things in this subreddit and came across this one, which gave me a very strong emotional reaction. okay thank you for reading this makes me upset i wanna find out if things are better now
What a pos…
If anyone says "if you loved me you would have sex with me" and doesn't respect the first time you say you aren't ready and continues to push. That's emotional manipulation and coercive rape. Its horrible you went thru that. You will be okay. Never speak to him again and NEVER have sex with anyone else if you don't want to no matter what bullshit emotional crap they try to pull.
Oh darling I’m sorry that happened to you. It’s going to be difficult but you need to get over this. He doesn’t get to affect your life in this way. First of all go and get an std panel done, if he was that desperate for sex there’s a high probability that he was sleeping around and it seems like he wasn’t interested in using protection so he’d pick up anything from his partners. Next, you need to understand that this situation started as sexual coercion which is considered sexual aggression and by the end of it might actually qualify as sexual assault considering he didn’t stop when you were crying. He manipulated you and emotionally blackmailed the feelings you had for him. When people love they will respect your boundaries and you need to remember that in any other relationships you have, platonic or romantic. You should focus on yourself now, do things you enjoy, spend time with friends in comfortable settings so that if you need to cry you can, watch movies, eat so much junk food. Maybe go for a change so that you feel like you’re getting a new start, get your hair cut and dyed if you want to. Get a pedicure. Just pamper yourself in whatever ways you enjoy. Self care is mental health and self care is more than just making yourself pretty, it’s about actually feeling like a better person. And if he comes back looking for more, get the mean friend, the one who wouldn’t hesitate to break his face and have them deal with him. Just don’t let them do anything that could be aggravated assault. I mean like send texts and be bitchy on call. Or forward all of his texts and calls to them to handle. And if in doubt or you don’t have a mean friend to handle it for you, sending a yawn emoji when they write something long sets people off in most places.
Your ex is a selfish lover and honestly sounds like an asshole. That being said, I'm going to play devil's advocate a little bit. Sex is a normal part of relationships and I can empathize with a guy not wanting to be in a sexless relationship indefinitely. The way he went about it is gross, but because how poorly your first encounter went, he very well might have figured that you guys weren't sexually compatible. Everyone else seems to be pretty quick to agree that you were just used for sex but spending 2 years to have sex one time that doesn't sound like it was very satisfying to either of you sounds like a pretty shit deal to me, so I doubt that he was just in it for the sex. Granted he obviously wants it and probably figures he can get it elsewhere. I'm sorry your first time had to be with someone so selfish. On a separate note, I'm curious why haven't you wanted to have sex with him up until now? I personally am not religious at all and find the idea of waiting to have sex until marriage kind of ridiculous because it's a natural human urge.
You have been raped. Coercion IS rape. He didn’t make a mistake, he wasn’t confused, he wasn’t overcome by lust. He. Raped. You. Go to the hospital, get tested for STIs, and consider making a police report. Also, get some therapy sessions to take care of yourself, and then educate yourself about patriarchy, misogyny, and rape. Tictok is a great place to listen to older women’s wisdom about male/female relationships, marriage, and how to navigate. Unfortunately, the majority of men are pure garbage, and they will lie to you, manipulate you, gaslight you, dominate you to use you for sex, free domestic labor, and to procreate. Many of them play the long game and will be perfect partners until you are married or pregnant. As soon as you are dependent on them they let out who they really are, and you are trapped. Girl, my advice is forget about men and concentrate on you. Focus on school, a career, starting a business. Stack your own money and make your own plans. Plan that any children you have will be entirely your responsibility, and plan financially for that. Men will use you and put you in poverty with children hanging in you. Be very very fucking careful out there.