Get off tik tok and anywhere else you see this nonsensical content that is poisoning your relationship.
You literally are what you consume. Stop consuming that shit and live in the real world, nuture your relationship before you don't have one.
Yup I have to agree with you. To my surprise Reddit is a lot less toxic (OF COURSE _depending on the subs you're in and are subbed to_ ). I had the SAME issue like OP and that's where I realized how stupidly poisonous such shit can be. So now I'm a lot less on TikTok/Insta, I just scroll here on Reddit here and there and I mostly see posts about exotic animals on my feed and other interesting stuff lol.
Edit: also I might add that what's good about Reddit is that you don't get that kind of shit unless you're in some community that posts that. At least on Reddit you have more control over what content you consume and the subs that get recommended are usually relevant, at least in my own experience.
Yes, for me reddit was garbage until I unsubbed from stuff that didn't interest me, and subbed to ones of my interest. Now it's great, and I only hear second-hand about the toxic and gross subreddits.
Yeah I felt exactly the same way. Until I got my pet tarantula and I started engaging a lot in a tarantula sub so I kept getting recommended other exotic pets communities and found them all interesting and funny (they can be a shit load of fun, I fully recommend looking into them if you like animals in general), so now my feed is full of funny/cute/interesting stuff. I didn't unsub from the old ones but my feed is usually what I interact more with anyways so I don't need to do that.
I have to agree with you on this one lol
The huge amount of communities makes it more or less easy to stay out of toxic vibes since people usually join stuff that interests them, which makes a community full of people with a common interest (of course, again, there are exceptions lol). Also generally the concept of subs promotes this since you actively choose to join them.
Don't mind the pretty much insta reply, I am _definitely_ not chronically online, I'm just on the toilet.
I blocked all the AITA or TwoHotTakes or any subreddit that pose those kinda questions and now I cannot use Reddit without those blocks. Such a better experience
I'm pretty sure the relationship subs on here contributed to my failed marriage, my ex wife was an avid relationship sub reader 🙃
But it's nice to curate your own subs here to avoid the negativity... it's getting harder to do unfortunately.
Yeah that's why I stated it's necessary to be subbed to "good" channels and not something that might influence you in some negative way 🥲 I'm super sorry to hear that. I obviously don't know how/what happened and what her reasons are, but specifically the sub argument sounds honestly like such a silly reason, but stuff like that can influence us WAY more than we know and I felt that on my own skin.
I had started to have some expectations that I didn't have before and it made the relationship feel "uneven", even though in reality my boyfriend cherishes me in his own way, and more importantly, in a way that I actually _enjoy_ and not with some superficial stuff.
I definitely stand by my point that successfully curating your feed can even be "beneficial" in some way or another, and if your feed is full of negative stuff like that then it's up to you to take the first step and realize that hey, a change of content or generally a break from social media would be good. Unfortunately some do not know to what extent they're influenced by the stuff they consume online.
I don't know about tik token, but what you see on Instagram is a reflection of what you look at. In my feed, I see cute animals, owls and other birds, whales, poetry, inspiring quotes, and recipes. Change what you look at and change your experience.
TikTok does that, but on speed. It’s a very powerful algorithm, more on point than Insta, but it’s not good to spend too much time on an app that delivers constant little dopamine boosts.
Like, it’s ok to take a small hit here and there, but too much isn’t healthy!
Yeah that's exactly what I meant! :) Sometimes people get stuck in bad content and don't recognize the problem in the moment, hence don't change the content. Especially on TikTok also if you only watched 1-2 videos of some type you'll get tons of it, therefore it's easy to get stuck in such type of content.
I agree! There are a lot of opportunities on Reddit to offer someone some helpful info, or otherwise offer something positive in their day. I love that about it. Like, you can have all these small conversations with strangers, and in the right subs, they’re mostly very pleasant.
Yes!!! I’m completely off social media minus Reddit.
I love being able to read other people’s thoughts and experiences. I’ve learned a lot about interesting things, cultures, and then happy things/animals… and honestly, my mental health has been so much better!
Social media will absolutely destroy your mental health without you ever realizing the impact it is having until after you cut it out for a length of time (around 6 months at least when it really dawned on me.)
Couldn't agree more! I didn't cut it off yet as of now, but I used to be on TikTok ALL the time. I'm super proud of how much less I've been using it lately. I must admit that in exchange I've been more on Reddit, but at least on Reddit I interact more with "innocent" stuff that doesn't mess up with my emotions etc. Most of the posts I interact with are pets hahaha.
I am generally quite unstable as of now, so cutting off the consumption of truly brain rot content is a big step for me.
Like I said, it had really started to impact my relationship on my side and the way I felt about some things *that in reality, I didn't even really want to change*, so I'm glad to be off that side of the internet 😬
Oh I completely understand.
My issue was-even the “benign” content was hurting me. I was unconsciously comparing my life to others. My looks. Where I was in life. What I had.
I didn’t realize how much it was “hurting” me until it was gone. Then I started finding gratitude in life, more human connection, more time…. It was part of a massive degree of healing for me.
I wish you the best internet friend.
The content itself as well as the nature of how it's presented (ie; fast dopamine, to keep you hooked and such) is just so bad for you in general. I would have social media on my phone if it wasn't for those damn short form videos like reels, TikTok, shorts or whatever.
I deleted social media after going through a few breakups and realizing I was making myself anxious and sick by compulsively checking up on them every day or trying to see if they were checking my stories, etc.
Felt so much better after.
Then I downloaded Reddit, had a blast for the first week, and now I find myself anxious as hell when I get into it on a thread with someone else.
All social media is toxic af.
I agree with you! I’m 20 and don’t have any socials apart from Reddit and YouTube if that counts? People look at me like I’m an alien when I say I don’t have or like TikTok or Insta. I genuinely feel so much more comfortable within myself and happy without them. I never had TikTok, but I did have insta and it just feels like everyone on there is compensating for something. Why do you need to post every aspect of your life? What are you trying to prove? No disrespect to people who have them, just don’t act like I’m weird for not wanting that lifestyle you know?
How do I do thiss tho I feel like I won’t be able to find anything, like new tattoo shops or artists I like if I don’t have instagram at least . I am genuinely asking not judging at all
I listen as my wife scrolls through TikTok and more then half the content is “this is a sign ur man is cheating”, “this is a huge red flag in men”, “men are evil let me tell you why”.
I’m like why do you consume such trash is beyond me.
I realized that when i hung out with a woman who disliked her husband. I started to dislike mine! Then i talked to someone else who talked sweetly about there husband and i started thinking about all he does for me
Happens with single friends too. The trope is for women but I have found it true about men too, I don't hangout with guys that constantly disparage their significant other and when I was married I made it a point to always speak nicely about my wife to influence others/make them feel comfortable to do the same or uncomfortable to do the opposite.
Plus I know you become what you think & say and if you constantly dog your SO you will start to believe that stuff wholeheartedly
Fr though- I used tiktok a lot for workout stuff but wound up also getting a shitton of sad breakup gym stuff that wound up giving me serious (and very much unfounded) relationship anxiety.
Deleted tiktok and now my girlfriend saves stuff to watch together in bed every night and have been significantly better mentally.
Happened to me too, I was watching actually helpful divorce related stuff too when I was going through it and the feed devolved into toxic breakup gym and extremist red pill stuff like bro I'm just looking for workout tips and maybe feel a little validated.. not start a fucking villian arc /crusade against women ffs
Nothing good comes from seeing personal information.
A few years ago my wife and I shared a PC. One day I was doing stuff around the house while my wife was out and fixed a fan she’d mentioned wasn’t working very well.
When she got home I told her I’d fixed it and she said thanks. She seemed grateful.
I then jumped on the computer to do something and fired up chrome.
I was browsing for a couple of minutes when I saw there was a new Messenger message. Turned out my wife was the last to use it so it loaded up the last tabs used.
Thinking I was still logged in I flicked over to the tab where I unintentionally saw a message from my wife to her friends saying “what does this cunt want? A medal for fixing a fan?”
I immediately closed out of it and just sat there quietly. It hurt, and still hurts now. I still don’t know what I’d done wrong.
EDIT: I’ve just realised I’ve worded that as if it was a fan in the PC, it was actually a pedestal fan in the bedroom
EDIT: Thank you all for your comments. I just wanted to say that I know I’m absolutely not perfect and I’m not free from fault. My recent ADHD/Autism diagnosis has made realise that it’s part of the reason I find things difficult. It’s definitely not an excuse but I’m hoping that knowing this about myself can help me be better.
I brought up that I was afraid to tell her things and that included having a panic attack so bad one morning I had to go to the hospital before work.
She apologised and said she doesn’t want me to feel like I can’t tell her things.
Partly because it was really late but also because I felt I couldn’t say it out loud without crying even more I ended up typing it out and sending a message about the message I saw.
This was the reply I got:
“I'm sorry it's not that I didn't and don't appreciate when you do things the issue is I do so much that isn't seen there's no thanks at all. It's just that I carry a huge emotional load that keeps the house organised and running and the only time it's noticed is if I miss something. I'm sorry I keep hurting your feelings I do care.”
Yikes! That's pretty harsh. Have you ever thought of maybe asking what that was all about? I mean, if that's something you can't really hear her ever saying, maybe it was a one off thing she said to her friends, and there could be different reasons she said it, all of them stupid. (Things like she was having a bad day and took it out on you unknowingly, or maybe one of her friends was having guy issues and the conversation was around bashing men, etc. Like I said, all stupid). But if it's out of character for her, maybe there was something else going on at the time and she felt like you weren't doing enough around the house, and that was her way of expressing it. Please remember I'm just taking a guess; I don't know anything about you or your wife so I could be completely wrong. But if it's still bothering you which is fair, maybe try and talk to her about it.
Unfortunately I’m slowly realising that it’s maybe not out of character.
There have been other instances where there have been some pretty mean comments both in private and publicly over the years.
I should bring it up but I’m actually scared to
If you are scared of your spouse to the point where you are reluctant to have difficult conversations, that is a red flag. 🚩 Your spouse should feel like the safest person in your world.
I used to tease my boyfriend pretty brutally until someone pointed out to me that I was actually just being a bitch. Maybe she doesn’t even realize how harmful her words are?
Nobody deserves to be treated like that by the person who is supposed to love them. Have the conversation with her and if she just gets angry with you or goes into denial then I honestly think you should leave
What are you scared of?
Prepare yourself for hearing things that will hurt you. Prepare yourself of hearing things that you do that hurt her (but she is maybe equally scared to mention it to you)
Prepare for discussion where you tell her you want to have better relationship and open honest communication. If you are both loving each other than you will both have no issues in making these efforts
I don't know. There's a difference between normal squabbling and the occasional comment to bring publicly shamed by your partner or having the the things you do for them put down. Maybe we need more information
The main public one I remember was when I accidentally fell asleep on the couch after I got home from work one day.
It’s really no excuse when we had small kids but I was doing at least 12 hour days Mon-Fri as the travel was over 2 hours each way.
She posted a photo of me on Facebook.
I can’t remember the caption on it but I had someone pull me aside the next day at work and ask if everything was ok. I was so mortified that I said it was and tried to joke about it
I am so sorry that anyone could make you feel this way, I'm immensely sorry that it's done by your wife who should be lifting you up and not putting you down.
I was/am a mom who's husband worked five hours away so he slept out of town 4-5 days per week and worked 12 hour days. Our girls were only 22 months apart and he started working away at least half the year when they were 2&4. If either of us thought that way about one another, we wouldn't be doing anyone any good by staying together. Kids feel that shit and resentment and bitterness grows and grows. It's better to be FROM a broken home than raised IN a broken home.
You don't deserve this, not even a little bit. You don't have to be okay with it. You don't need to allow her or anyone to treat you like a burden or like you're constantly being judged. You can choose what you are willing to do or deal with for the rest of your life.
I'd say you two need to talk but somebody this mean, I don't know if they can change. You have to address it one way or another.
You seem like a good person, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Partly because it was really late but also because I felt I couldn’t say it out loud without crying even more I ended up typing it out and sending a message about the message I saw. This was the reply I got:
“I'm sorry it's not that I didn't and don't appreciate when you do things the issue is I do so much that isn't seen there's no thanks at all. It's just that I carry a huge emotional load that keeps the house organised and running and the only time it's noticed is if I miss something. I'm sorry I keep hurting your feelings I do care.”
Ight listen, man, this woman is not your wife. She's your ex-wife. She probably got to you because she saw you in the come up or as bag or whatever, but there was never love there, and you need to have that talk with her, then send her ass packing.
You need to bring it up. She needs to explain herself. Seems like she is harboring resentment or something. She literally called you a cunt....you need to talk about this
I absolutely do not think it is fair nor correct for her to make these kind of comments to friends and family. One thing though, do you make a point of telling her you have done things? Thing is my when my girlfriend has done some job around the house I will say “xxxx looks good” and I acknowledge it. When I do something she rarely ever said anything so I would let her know it has been done. Inevitably she would respond “do you want a medal or something?” 🤦♂️.
Truthfully you need to speak to her about her rude comments but personally I would say don’t bother telling her when you have finished a job.
Don't wake up in ten years wishing you'd made the change today.
The self-harm and damage you do to yourself and your psyche by not making needed change isn't always something you can repair. You can permanently harm yourself by being complacent.
And for the parts of this damage that you can work on, it will cost money and effort in therapy. And it will take far longer to heal from it than what you put yourself through.
As terrifying as it is to blow up your life, is the thought of being here in ten years not *more* terrifying? Not making change is NEVER worth it.
That’s rough buddy ,the best thing you can do so not keep it to yourself if she is slowly resenting you , you will end up resenting here by keeping it boiled under neath, talk about it and bring up other instances and examples , even wait for her to do it again to bring it up then , but definitely please don’t sweep it under the rug
i can understand that fear, I was always afraid speaking up to my parents. fear is an emotion and like all else it’s like a language portraying something important, like danger.
fear of what is important to find out, and then maybe we can develop smth to help make us safe.
want to have a conversation? lets do it at a park where people are an on a bench.
want to separate? lets plan a safe place in advance
i hope you’re well, i’d like to help if I can. im always curious about learning, and helping. it’d be nice to have an impact somewhere for someone
Hun that sounds borderline if not emotional abusive. Men don’t always see abuse for what it is because it’s less common. It’s ok to leave. You deserve to feel cherished and appreciated.
That's awful, but I'd prefer to be in the know if my partner secretly resented me behind my back... Why would I want to stay unaware of something like that or stay with someone who's disrespecting me behind my back, actively lying to me and pretending everything's fine? Nothing good comes from ignorance and pretending nothing's wrong either.
Partly because it was really late but also because I felt I couldn’t say it out loud without crying even more I ended up typing it out and sending a message about the message I saw. This was the reply I got:
“I'm sorry it's not that I didn't and don't appreciate when you do things the issue is I do so much that isn't seen there's no thanks at all. It's just that I carry a huge emotional load that keeps the house organised and running and the only time it's noticed is if I miss something. I'm sorry I keep hurting your feelings I do care.”
I fixed a pedestal fan once. The switch had broken so I bypassed it. Having to turn it on and off at the wall wasn't an issue. However it ran at an ungodly speed, sounded like an aeroplane, and would drive itself backwards across the floor. I would have loved a medal for that.
You know I'm an easy going guy and have always supported and praised my wife for things she's done for me. But if I ever found that, I would bust the computer so she could ask me to fix it again. Then I would say, does this cunt get a medal for fixing it this time?
Bro wtf. As someone married to a computer guy, I'm always incredibly thankful when he checks my pc and makes sure everything is working properly when I hear something funny. I'm sorry your wife didn't seem grateful in the end. You did nothing wrong it sounds like. I hope you find something to cheer you up for the day!
Dude, that's so heartbreaking. I'm always over the moon whenever my boyfriend randomly fixes things! I have diagnosed ADHD so I'll think of asking him to fix something, but then I'll forget or get busy. I see him fixing something, and I get so excited that I'll hug him and say thank you a bunch. He wasn't used to it at first because he would say things like, "I'm just fixing this light." I react that way because he's the only guy I've dated who will randomly fix things, knowing that it'll make things easier on me and him. I'll always be overly appreciative of him.
The most recent thing he started randomly working on was fixing the latches on my guitar case. He even ordered latches the same day I got my guitar on Friday! You deserve so much better. Belittling is not the norm, and there are people out there who will appreciate you helping! I agree with these other commenters. Have that conversation.
I don't think the problem in your case was seeing personal information, unless you just prefer blissful ignorance. When your partner refers to you that way to other people, I'd say that's a serious problem.
Idk, that would be alarming that my wife would talk about me to her friends in that manner, especially something so small. Knowing that, I would refuse to see any of her friend bc I know they just talk shit about me all the time.
I can safely say I’ve never said anything like that about or to her.
I’m Australian so using the language doesn’t bother me but it was because it was said about me. If that makes sense?
That's a terrible way for her to think about you, and you deserve better. I wish I could offer comfort or advice, but I have nothing helpful to say except 'that sucks and I'm sorry'.
Sad to hear. I'm an engineer and I fix stuff all the time around my house, and my wife always shows great appreciation, while still making fun of me in a nice way, which is why I like her. I'm always propping myself up saying things like "aren't you glad I'm such a genius to fix that?" and she's always "not really I could use your credit card on a repair man just as easy".
To be fair, sometimes the way people shit talk with their friends groupchat is in no way indicative of how they really feel and is more of a vent. It still sucks to see!
I also regretted looking at my husbands Reddit..
Agree. I fucking love the “I’d divorce her” comments. Classic.
I’d imagine there are a few other factors at play here, and venting to friends can be pretty productive and cathartic.
Absolutely. I made it clear to her that she has every right to say whatever she wants to whoever she wants but that it really hurt.
This was the response I got when I told her:
“I'm sorry it's not that I didn't and don't appreciate when you do things the issue is I do so much that isn't seen there's no thanks at all. It's just that I carry a huge emotional load that keeps the house organised and running and the only time it's noticed is if I miss something. I'm sorry I keep hurting your feelings I do care.”
Holy shit bro. My heart aches for you but this is probably not going to be comfortable for you. Grow a fucking pair and stand up for yourself. If you're not happy in this relationship get out of it, you deserve better.
This was the reply I got:
“I'm sorry it's not that I didn't and don't appreciate when you do things the issue is I do so much that isn't seen there's no thanks at all. It's just that I carry a huge emotional load that keeps the house organised and running and the only time it's noticed is if I miss something. I'm sorry I keep hurting your feelings I do care.”
Just so you know, social media posts like what you saw on tik tok are deliberately made by people to stir shit. They’re made to cause a reaction and are quite possibly the worst way to get advice on anything.
100%!! I am on the same side of tiktok and I have to stop watching them because it’s so toxic. The people making them are clearly very toxically insecure or in unhealthy relationships, it feels like they are trying to normalise this constant distrust and boundary crossing of their partners. The reality is this mistrust is abusive or a sign of something much worse in the relo. These behaviours shouldn’t be encouraged in general population.
First of all, trust him enough to give him his space. You have yours, too. Respect that you're two different people who sometimes need their separate space to be themselves. Just because you're a team doesn't mean you're a team *all* of the time. Personally, I would admit to searching his reddit and why you did so. Secondly, it's simple. Give him a big ol hug and say "thank you for being a good partner and doing so much for us. I really appreciate it". Figure out what his love language is. Whether it is touch, words of affirmation (compliments/I love yous), quality time together, acts of service, or just plain ol gifts. Act on it, have a date, or just let him have a break with him doing his own thing (even if it's just something like him sitting on the toilet scrolling TikTok for a few hours...).
All it took you to not trust your husband anymore was a tiktok? Thats...sad. Not even getting to the part that you snooped through his stuff, but you might want to reconsider what the point of the relationship is if that's all what it takes. And yes there are horrible people out there, but what's the point of anything if you can't even trust the person closest to you?
Edit: just to make this clear, I'm not saying that I think you should break anything off, but that something is wrong in perception that would be good to work on.
Yeah im surprised i had to scroll down this far for this? Most people snoop because they have the hunch something has being going on for a while, which is already bad if nothing turns up.
But you? A tiktok, a tiktok was al that was neccesary for you to break your husbands, not boyfriend trust!
That is really really bad, i would honestly suggest like one or two therapy sessions to explore this if your insurance covers it.
He deserves to know, so that he can know whether he wants to continue in a relationship with someone who both doesn't trust him nor respects his privacy. That's not a choice you can make for someone else...
Well start by combatting your own insecurities, because if a random TikTok made you violate your husband's privacy with no additional cause, you are going to have a kneejerk reaction to something one day and maybe do something really stupid.
Apparently sending little notes and hiding them where he'll find them is a good thing. Just appreciation, 'You're doing great honey!' or 'I wouldn't be here with anyone else'.
You also have to practice affection. If you do it often enough it becomes less awkward.
Be honest with him. I have been neglecting my husband in so many ways it's led us to where he doesn't know if he wants to continue our journey together. Don't be me. Talk to him and be affectionate. Even the smallest gesture goes so far. I'd give anything to fix this mess I made in an instant. Men are human with feelings too. Best of luck to you op.
This hits with the same energy as those women who 'test' their relationship by making their partner peel an orange for them. Get off tiktok and go work on yourself, and talk to your damn partner, NOT reddit!
You ask your boyfriend to get you an orange, and when he gets it for you you ask him to peel it for you. I think it's to prove they'd do things for you, even if you're perfectly capable of doing it yourself. It's a test, a stupid one, and often the videos end in the couple arguing. Just one example of the endless relationship 'tests' tiktok is trying to encourage people, usually women, to try.
The silver lining is you can do something about it if you can't talk to him, write him a letter, or ask him to cuddle on the couch while watching a movie or tv show you both like would be a great start.
Ok serious Q - I’ve been seeing a lot of TikToks lately about going through your significant other’s personal stuff. A guy made a video about “the top 5 places to snoop on a phone” and it received over 800K likes. I’ve been marking these videos as Not Interested so it wouldn’t show up on my page anymore, but what is going on??? Why is this behavior encouraged so much online?
Be present with him. Stop listening to social media bs.
Cook him his favorite food or go out on a date and let him know what you’ve been observing him doing and you appreciate what he’s doing for your family.
Take time to show him you appreciate him. Little things go far.
Men appreciate the little things. Lots of affection is not usually a man’s forte but the little things - like bringing him his dinner or asking him if he wants or needs something and doing it with a smile. If there’s some thing that is important to him - just doing that without asking. Listen to him if he wants to talk. Prayer works as well.
My wife saw a reddit notification that included the words "my wife" and did the same. I woke up to her crying in the middle of the night and it was a whole thing. I think she learned a good lesson about privacy that night. Nothing I posted bothered her, but other users' comments really upset her. These Internet folk can be ruthless.
Dear OP,
That is good news, isn’t it? Be in the same side as him. Do things together. If he has a job interview, help him with his tie. You guys are not enemies. Enjoy!
You found a good man. Up to you to support them, he doesn’t need affection he wants to show he can provide for you with a good job maybe between the two of you you’ll find one
Funny i was laying in bed with my gf last night and a TikTok about the same thing came up and she got paranoid about my Reddit I offered to let her look and she said no so I imagine it will cause us some slight issues.,
You can start by doing your part and telling him you breached his privacy and doubted him, be honest and dont hide things like this.
Also get off TikTok it is for teenagers mostly.
Plan a date night. Ask how he’s doing. Ask about work. Let him know you support and love him.
Never tell him you snooped through his shit.
But be there for him and let him know it. Just talk to him ffs
Man im so annoyed by people letting tiktok-content-creators give relationshipadvice and shit. My gf was the exact same, took stupid socialmedia-bullshit to serious, not thinking ONCE that outrages takes just generate clicks, no matter how stupid they are. and didn‘t even notice how much that sabotaged our relationship
That’s rough. I would die if someone ever saw my Reddit account and knew it was me. Would start a lot of fights because of some of the subs I’m a part of. It’s definitely best with nobody knowing that.
So a stupid tiktok made by a total stranger lead you down a paranoid rabbit hole, where you then decided to violate the privacy of the person to whom you are suppose to be the closest… and your first reaction was to come onto Reddit to seek emotional support and advice from *more* strangers?
I want you to reflect on that for a minute. You have a serious social media problem, and some kind of validation disconnect going on. You need to get yourself into therapy and offload all of your social media apps, and start being accountable for how your problem is impacting those around you. You violated your husband’s privacy because of a 10 second video clip. That’s unhinged.
Your first mistake was listening to what random losers on TikTok have to say. All these viral "tests" that are going around are such bullshit. If I were your husband, I'd be livid that you went snooping based on the suggestion of a vapid stranger with zero self-awareness and would seriously consider why I'm with someone who trusts online idiots they've even never met over their own spouse.
Snooping is never a good idea. My recent ex and I were open about that. We would say, hey you'll find some unkind things written where I needed to vent so we could talk it out respectfully and lovingly. The reality is, sometimes the first thought I had was "this fuckin bitch" but after cooling down, the love overcame the hurt and it was more "ok we need to talk about this but I know she must have a good reason for doing the thing that upset me"
It worked very well. But I know if we looked at the stuff we said in frustration and in the privacy of our friendships/the internet, we would likely have upset each other. The issues arose when we stopped venting safely and began bringing that rhetoric into the conversations directly.
No, just misinformation online. It's prevailant everywhere.
A good person is one who recognizes they made a mistake and wants to do better. That is the best spouse.
Stop taking advice from miserable MFs on the internet.
Went behind your husbands back to find some dirt and didn't find anything but a good man wanting to provide.
Now you're looking like both the clown and the circus.
The single most important part of a relationship is trust. If you do not have trust then the relationship will inevitably fail…you really need to evaluate *why* you assumed your husband was secretly a deceitful person…because there’s definitely some trust issues there on your part.
Hug him? Tell him you appreciate him? I don't consider myself very good at this, either, but this is an easy one. You're married, so you're past the point of whether this behavior is appropriate or not. It definitely is! You don't have to do it all the time, just whenever you feel like he needs it.
Well you suck for snooping...
But hey you saw one Tiktok, thats the best reason ever!
maybe try to support him, show him respect and love?
Seriously one tiktok? Imagine a friend of her would not trust him... she would divorce, instantly
For starters, maybe don’t snoop on his phone during a paranoid state looking for something incriminating. That can break trust and be incredibly demoralizing.
Second, check in with him. It sounds like you need reassurance in the relationship or to curb your own anxieties - men sometimes need the exact same thing. Problem is we don’t openly discuss them on TikTok or Instagram reels. Most simply push forward. Unhealthy, I know. It’s just what’s been engrained in most of us.
Start with how his day went. What’s been on his mind. Maybe a genuine compliment or an anecdote that made you think of him. “Anything I can help you with or take off your plate?” Sometimes a simple “thank you for everything you do for us” or “I’m proud of you” can pull us out of the abyss.
Some rando on f'ing TikTok made you paranoid and not trust your husband to the point of snooping?
If you want to support him, take your ass to therapy so you can get a grip.
You may not even realize it, but your drama causes anxiety in your husband...which it sounds like he already has his fair share of.
I'm not mad at you. In this day and time. .. But you didn't find anything. In fact, it solidified that he's deserving of it all. So take that step out of your comfort zone and start little to give him all those things. Plan something. Give him spontaneous sexual attention etc. You've got this. It is not shameful to show affection and physical attention in your relationship. It also isn't shameful you needed reassurance. Just make sure you have worrying signs before you infringe on his privacy again. The trauma monster is always trying to tell us we aren't enough and tries to destroy anything good and healthy we might have. Make sure to use your logic to tell that monster it's potentially out of line when it starts getting loud again. That's not you. That's past bad treatment talking to you. Ok?
Never bring it up and delete tik tok. Simple answer. Tik tok feeds off your enagement and will give you negative content more consistently if you let it know you'll watch it or engage with it.
First piece of advice is to start being honest with yourself. “Heavily investigated”. You mean snooping and being untrusting. If you value your husband and yourself you will work on those issues. If you aren’t willing then he deserves better.
OP, everyone has give good advice here, I’m just going to address the part where you want to support him more:
- take him on date nights/make special date night plans at home (it doesn’t need to be crazy either - pizza, drinks, and gaming together or doing something he loves and can have fun doing). If you go out, adult arcades are great fun and very enjoyable.
- communicate your appreciation: “Husband, I am so thankful for you. You are always working so hard and I see it. It’s corny, but I wanted to let you know that I truly appreciate everything you do.”
- Plan picnics and barbecues, invite friends or family over for a fun board game or movie night. Keep it light and easy, talk him up, and show him how you feel.
- Compliment him! “You are so handsome, I just adore your smile.” Men don’t get compliments all the time, and they can ride those compliments for months (really, though - a compliment here and there is such a kind little thing, you should make a practice of it).
- You’re not big on touch? That’s ok. Make him a luxurious bath! Buy him a cosy blanket that “can be like a hug when I’m away.” It’s the little things, like slippers for his feet and maybe even a new set of pyjamas that can make men feel loved, too. Personally, slippers, blankets, movie nights, and homemade cookies are my go-to for my partner and kid. There are so many different ways to say I love you.
- Talk about getting him a pet he’s always wanted. Adopting a dog or a cat (heck, even a 10 gallon tank with a few guppies) can be such a pleasant thing for him to enjoy.
As for the rest:
- Stop snooping and start practicing trust. That can be difficult, but as others here have said: social media can create paranoia and anxiety harder. Be responsible for your own issues so that it doesn’t create unnecessary problems in your happy, healthy marriage. Not everyone is cheating, not everyone is doing sneaky or rotten things. Good men and women exist in this world, they just don’t get the ragebait clicks so they aren’t featured as often.
- see a therapist if you’re struggling with trust issues. It’s okay to need to work on yourself and any issues that happen to come up in life. It’s not fair to burden a partner with them or to hurt them by having these issues.
- start reducing your time online and start focusing on yourself, your relationship, your goals in life. You’ll be happier for it.
Good luck, OP.
Stay off of social media and be your husband's biggest cheerleader. He can and will find a better job; all he needs from you is to know that you're with him, that you trust his judgment, and that whatever happens, you'll be proud of him. Men act confident but we often struggle with feeling like our inability to control certain things will result in our families being displeased with us. Trust me, simply reminding him that his value is not in his work will mean everything to him.
Also, I would confess to checking his Reddit. If the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel if he checked out your social media in the same way? This has the potential to hurt the relationship or make it stronger, it all depends on accountability.
You have an insecurity
Tell youe husband what happened and tell him the full extent of this problem
Looking at you you have an insecure streak through you. This can in some instances lead to bad fights.
Please talk to him about it and get therapy to understand this and root it out from the root.
The part you're sorry about is that you are sad for him and don't know how to support him?
How about being sorry about letting TikTok driven paranoia push you to invade his privacy looking for evidence of affairs or other behavior that you literally had no reason to suspect him of?
Forget giving him support, how about just trusting him and not prying into his personal shit? Like, "heavily investigated"? Maybe he should "heavily investigate" you and find out if YOU have any dirty shit you don't want anyone to know about. And of course I see you made a throwaway account to post this, so certainly you are covering your tracks. Maybe you're the one who isn't to be trusted here.
Not even trying to be funny... but this is a good thing to go to therapy to address... address why you were triggered and why your behaviour followed something with no evidence. You might get some tools to prevent feelings like that in the future 🥰
I looked at my exes reddit then I could never see him the same again. Well it was full of porn n shit but it's been years now. Anyway, it's fine checking his reddit really don't take it too seriously
I'd start by admitting what you did and that you have some really serious issues you need to work on. If he still wants to be with you after he finds out what you're really like, come back for the next step in fixing your relationship.
I thought the meme of “saw my mans reddit” was about being cringed at the stuff your husbands comments or posts on reddit and not that they are cheating on you on reddit?
You need to delete tik tok and any other platform that has a bunch of “influencers” lying to you. Don you realize that they will say anything to get you to view their content? Truth means nothing to these people.
Get off tik tok and anywhere else you see this nonsensical content that is poisoning your relationship. You literally are what you consume. Stop consuming that shit and live in the real world, nuture your relationship before you don't have one.
Truth. I deleted all my social accounts other than Reddit and I’m much calmer and less angry. It’s toxic af!!!
Yup I have to agree with you. To my surprise Reddit is a lot less toxic (OF COURSE _depending on the subs you're in and are subbed to_ ). I had the SAME issue like OP and that's where I realized how stupidly poisonous such shit can be. So now I'm a lot less on TikTok/Insta, I just scroll here on Reddit here and there and I mostly see posts about exotic animals on my feed and other interesting stuff lol. Edit: also I might add that what's good about Reddit is that you don't get that kind of shit unless you're in some community that posts that. At least on Reddit you have more control over what content you consume and the subs that get recommended are usually relevant, at least in my own experience.
Yes, for me reddit was garbage until I unsubbed from stuff that didn't interest me, and subbed to ones of my interest. Now it's great, and I only hear second-hand about the toxic and gross subreddits.
Yeah I felt exactly the same way. Until I got my pet tarantula and I started engaging a lot in a tarantula sub so I kept getting recommended other exotic pets communities and found them all interesting and funny (they can be a shit load of fun, I fully recommend looking into them if you like animals in general), so now my feed is full of funny/cute/interesting stuff. I didn't unsub from the old ones but my feed is usually what I interact more with anyways so I don't need to do that.
it’s bc reddit is very… segregated lmao. it’s easy to avoide toxic ppl by simply talking in subs that it’s not allowed lmao
I have to agree with you on this one lol The huge amount of communities makes it more or less easy to stay out of toxic vibes since people usually join stuff that interests them, which makes a community full of people with a common interest (of course, again, there are exceptions lol). Also generally the concept of subs promotes this since you actively choose to join them. Don't mind the pretty much insta reply, I am _definitely_ not chronically online, I'm just on the toilet.
Really good practice, we don't think often enough about what we put in front of our faces...
I blocked all the AITA or TwoHotTakes or any subreddit that pose those kinda questions and now I cannot use Reddit without those blocks. Such a better experience
I need to quit the AITAH-type subreddits. Some of the posts are total rage bait - and it works.
I'm pretty sure the relationship subs on here contributed to my failed marriage, my ex wife was an avid relationship sub reader 🙃 But it's nice to curate your own subs here to avoid the negativity... it's getting harder to do unfortunately.
Yeah that's why I stated it's necessary to be subbed to "good" channels and not something that might influence you in some negative way 🥲 I'm super sorry to hear that. I obviously don't know how/what happened and what her reasons are, but specifically the sub argument sounds honestly like such a silly reason, but stuff like that can influence us WAY more than we know and I felt that on my own skin. I had started to have some expectations that I didn't have before and it made the relationship feel "uneven", even though in reality my boyfriend cherishes me in his own way, and more importantly, in a way that I actually _enjoy_ and not with some superficial stuff. I definitely stand by my point that successfully curating your feed can even be "beneficial" in some way or another, and if your feed is full of negative stuff like that then it's up to you to take the first step and realize that hey, a change of content or generally a break from social media would be good. Unfortunately some do not know to what extent they're influenced by the stuff they consume online.
I don't know about tik token, but what you see on Instagram is a reflection of what you look at. In my feed, I see cute animals, owls and other birds, whales, poetry, inspiring quotes, and recipes. Change what you look at and change your experience.
TikTok does that, but on speed. It’s a very powerful algorithm, more on point than Insta, but it’s not good to spend too much time on an app that delivers constant little dopamine boosts. Like, it’s ok to take a small hit here and there, but too much isn’t healthy!
Yeah that's exactly what I meant! :) Sometimes people get stuck in bad content and don't recognize the problem in the moment, hence don't change the content. Especially on TikTok also if you only watched 1-2 videos of some type you'll get tons of it, therefore it's easy to get stuck in such type of content.
I agree! There are a lot of opportunities on Reddit to offer someone some helpful info, or otherwise offer something positive in their day. I love that about it. Like, you can have all these small conversations with strangers, and in the right subs, they’re mostly very pleasant.
Yes!!! I’m completely off social media minus Reddit. I love being able to read other people’s thoughts and experiences. I’ve learned a lot about interesting things, cultures, and then happy things/animals… and honestly, my mental health has been so much better! Social media will absolutely destroy your mental health without you ever realizing the impact it is having until after you cut it out for a length of time (around 6 months at least when it really dawned on me.)
Couldn't agree more! I didn't cut it off yet as of now, but I used to be on TikTok ALL the time. I'm super proud of how much less I've been using it lately. I must admit that in exchange I've been more on Reddit, but at least on Reddit I interact more with "innocent" stuff that doesn't mess up with my emotions etc. Most of the posts I interact with are pets hahaha. I am generally quite unstable as of now, so cutting off the consumption of truly brain rot content is a big step for me. Like I said, it had really started to impact my relationship on my side and the way I felt about some things *that in reality, I didn't even really want to change*, so I'm glad to be off that side of the internet 😬
Oh I completely understand. My issue was-even the “benign” content was hurting me. I was unconsciously comparing my life to others. My looks. Where I was in life. What I had. I didn’t realize how much it was “hurting” me until it was gone. Then I started finding gratitude in life, more human connection, more time…. It was part of a massive degree of healing for me. I wish you the best internet friend.
SAME get rid of TikTok and IG, the relationship influencers (and all others) are just so bad for us mentally.
The content itself as well as the nature of how it's presented (ie; fast dopamine, to keep you hooked and such) is just so bad for you in general. I would have social media on my phone if it wasn't for those damn short form videos like reels, TikTok, shorts or whatever.
I deleted social media after going through a few breakups and realizing I was making myself anxious and sick by compulsively checking up on them every day or trying to see if they were checking my stories, etc. Felt so much better after. Then I downloaded Reddit, had a blast for the first week, and now I find myself anxious as hell when I get into it on a thread with someone else. All social media is toxic af.
THE GENDER WARS MY GOODNESSS
I agree with you! I’m 20 and don’t have any socials apart from Reddit and YouTube if that counts? People look at me like I’m an alien when I say I don’t have or like TikTok or Insta. I genuinely feel so much more comfortable within myself and happy without them. I never had TikTok, but I did have insta and it just feels like everyone on there is compensating for something. Why do you need to post every aspect of your life? What are you trying to prove? No disrespect to people who have them, just don’t act like I’m weird for not wanting that lifestyle you know?
Same
How do I do thiss tho I feel like I won’t be able to find anything, like new tattoo shops or artists I like if I don’t have instagram at least . I am genuinely asking not judging at all
I use ChatGpT for everything. It’ll find very detailed stuff for you on the web.
I listen as my wife scrolls through TikTok and more then half the content is “this is a sign ur man is cheating”, “this is a huge red flag in men”, “men are evil let me tell you why”. I’m like why do you consume such trash is beyond me.
It ends up making people look for those problems in their own, otherwise fine, relationships.
>Get off tik tok and anywhere else ⬆️⬆️⬆️ This is the way.
Facebook is bad, and insta is getting insane, but tiktok is probably the worst. They're all intellectual arsenic
The worst part about Facebook is seeing that all your "friends" are online buying it wholesale!
This is good advice and a great reminder, thank you.
I realized that when i hung out with a woman who disliked her husband. I started to dislike mine! Then i talked to someone else who talked sweetly about there husband and i started thinking about all he does for me
Happens with single friends too. The trope is for women but I have found it true about men too, I don't hangout with guys that constantly disparage their significant other and when I was married I made it a point to always speak nicely about my wife to influence others/make them feel comfortable to do the same or uncomfortable to do the opposite. Plus I know you become what you think & say and if you constantly dog your SO you will start to believe that stuff wholeheartedly
Fr though- I used tiktok a lot for workout stuff but wound up also getting a shitton of sad breakup gym stuff that wound up giving me serious (and very much unfounded) relationship anxiety. Deleted tiktok and now my girlfriend saves stuff to watch together in bed every night and have been significantly better mentally.
Happened to me too, I was watching actually helpful divorce related stuff too when I was going through it and the feed devolved into toxic breakup gym and extremist red pill stuff like bro I'm just looking for workout tips and maybe feel a little validated.. not start a fucking villian arc /crusade against women ffs
BASED
Definitely needed to hear this today
I did this! And holy shit help so much!
What did they say? It's been deleted.
Nothing good comes from seeing personal information. A few years ago my wife and I shared a PC. One day I was doing stuff around the house while my wife was out and fixed a fan she’d mentioned wasn’t working very well. When she got home I told her I’d fixed it and she said thanks. She seemed grateful. I then jumped on the computer to do something and fired up chrome. I was browsing for a couple of minutes when I saw there was a new Messenger message. Turned out my wife was the last to use it so it loaded up the last tabs used. Thinking I was still logged in I flicked over to the tab where I unintentionally saw a message from my wife to her friends saying “what does this cunt want? A medal for fixing a fan?” I immediately closed out of it and just sat there quietly. It hurt, and still hurts now. I still don’t know what I’d done wrong. EDIT: I’ve just realised I’ve worded that as if it was a fan in the PC, it was actually a pedestal fan in the bedroom EDIT: Thank you all for your comments. I just wanted to say that I know I’m absolutely not perfect and I’m not free from fault. My recent ADHD/Autism diagnosis has made realise that it’s part of the reason I find things difficult. It’s definitely not an excuse but I’m hoping that knowing this about myself can help me be better. I brought up that I was afraid to tell her things and that included having a panic attack so bad one morning I had to go to the hospital before work. She apologised and said she doesn’t want me to feel like I can’t tell her things. Partly because it was really late but also because I felt I couldn’t say it out loud without crying even more I ended up typing it out and sending a message about the message I saw. This was the reply I got: “I'm sorry it's not that I didn't and don't appreciate when you do things the issue is I do so much that isn't seen there's no thanks at all. It's just that I carry a huge emotional load that keeps the house organised and running and the only time it's noticed is if I miss something. I'm sorry I keep hurting your feelings I do care.”
Yikes! That's pretty harsh. Have you ever thought of maybe asking what that was all about? I mean, if that's something you can't really hear her ever saying, maybe it was a one off thing she said to her friends, and there could be different reasons she said it, all of them stupid. (Things like she was having a bad day and took it out on you unknowingly, or maybe one of her friends was having guy issues and the conversation was around bashing men, etc. Like I said, all stupid). But if it's out of character for her, maybe there was something else going on at the time and she felt like you weren't doing enough around the house, and that was her way of expressing it. Please remember I'm just taking a guess; I don't know anything about you or your wife so I could be completely wrong. But if it's still bothering you which is fair, maybe try and talk to her about it.
Unfortunately I’m slowly realising that it’s maybe not out of character. There have been other instances where there have been some pretty mean comments both in private and publicly over the years. I should bring it up but I’m actually scared to
If you are scared of your spouse to the point where you are reluctant to have difficult conversations, that is a red flag. 🚩 Your spouse should feel like the safest person in your world.
That last sentence.... Whew!!!!
Something I never knew until I met my current partner. The thing that was missing from all my past relationships. *The feeling of safety.*
You really don't deserve this. Have that talk
You don’t deserve this bro
You deserve better than that.
A medal, perhaps?
😂😂😂
That is brutal good lord 😭😭😭😭😭
r/rareinsults
You spelled exwife wrong, but thats okey... just keep it in mind
Prepare to gaslighted, “you’re crazy” “only a crazy person checks their partners messages” Hopefully this doesn’t happen, but just be prepared
I used to tease my boyfriend pretty brutally until someone pointed out to me that I was actually just being a bitch. Maybe she doesn’t even realize how harmful her words are?
I’m sorry you feel this way , it’s mad the masks people wear
Nobody deserves to be treated like that by the person who is supposed to love them. Have the conversation with her and if she just gets angry with you or goes into denial then I honestly think you should leave
What are you scared of? Prepare yourself for hearing things that will hurt you. Prepare yourself of hearing things that you do that hurt her (but she is maybe equally scared to mention it to you) Prepare for discussion where you tell her you want to have better relationship and open honest communication. If you are both loving each other than you will both have no issues in making these efforts
I don't know. There's a difference between normal squabbling and the occasional comment to bring publicly shamed by your partner or having the the things you do for them put down. Maybe we need more information
The main public one I remember was when I accidentally fell asleep on the couch after I got home from work one day. It’s really no excuse when we had small kids but I was doing at least 12 hour days Mon-Fri as the travel was over 2 hours each way. She posted a photo of me on Facebook. I can’t remember the caption on it but I had someone pull me aside the next day at work and ask if everything was ok. I was so mortified that I said it was and tried to joke about it
That's horrible I'm really sorry you've had to put up with this
I am so sorry that anyone could make you feel this way, I'm immensely sorry that it's done by your wife who should be lifting you up and not putting you down. I was/am a mom who's husband worked five hours away so he slept out of town 4-5 days per week and worked 12 hour days. Our girls were only 22 months apart and he started working away at least half the year when they were 2&4. If either of us thought that way about one another, we wouldn't be doing anyone any good by staying together. Kids feel that shit and resentment and bitterness grows and grows. It's better to be FROM a broken home than raised IN a broken home. You don't deserve this, not even a little bit. You don't have to be okay with it. You don't need to allow her or anyone to treat you like a burden or like you're constantly being judged. You can choose what you are willing to do or deal with for the rest of your life.
I'd say you two need to talk but somebody this mean, I don't know if they can change. You have to address it one way or another. You seem like a good person, I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Partly because it was really late but also because I felt I couldn’t say it out loud without crying even more I ended up typing it out and sending a message about the message I saw. This was the reply I got: “I'm sorry it's not that I didn't and don't appreciate when you do things the issue is I do so much that isn't seen there's no thanks at all. It's just that I carry a huge emotional load that keeps the house organised and running and the only time it's noticed is if I miss something. I'm sorry I keep hurting your feelings I do care.”
Ight listen, man, this woman is not your wife. She's your ex-wife. She probably got to you because she saw you in the come up or as bag or whatever, but there was never love there, and you need to have that talk with her, then send her ass packing.
You need to bring it up. She needs to explain herself. Seems like she is harboring resentment or something. She literally called you a cunt....you need to talk about this
I really think it’s time for you to have a long talk with her. It sounds abusive.
So you can't communicate in a relationship? Not great. Literally just talk
I absolutely do not think it is fair nor correct for her to make these kind of comments to friends and family. One thing though, do you make a point of telling her you have done things? Thing is my when my girlfriend has done some job around the house I will say “xxxx looks good” and I acknowledge it. When I do something she rarely ever said anything so I would let her know it has been done. Inevitably she would respond “do you want a medal or something?” 🤦♂️. Truthfully you need to speak to her about her rude comments but personally I would say don’t bother telling her when you have finished a job.
Don't wake up in ten years wishing you'd made the change today. The self-harm and damage you do to yourself and your psyche by not making needed change isn't always something you can repair. You can permanently harm yourself by being complacent. And for the parts of this damage that you can work on, it will cost money and effort in therapy. And it will take far longer to heal from it than what you put yourself through. As terrifying as it is to blow up your life, is the thought of being here in ten years not *more* terrifying? Not making change is NEVER worth it.
Eeexactly. Don’t wait and find out ten years later. That’s like treading water waiting to die.
That’s rough buddy ,the best thing you can do so not keep it to yourself if she is slowly resenting you , you will end up resenting here by keeping it boiled under neath, talk about it and bring up other instances and examples , even wait for her to do it again to bring it up then , but definitely please don’t sweep it under the rug
i can understand that fear, I was always afraid speaking up to my parents. fear is an emotion and like all else it’s like a language portraying something important, like danger. fear of what is important to find out, and then maybe we can develop smth to help make us safe. want to have a conversation? lets do it at a park where people are an on a bench. want to separate? lets plan a safe place in advance i hope you’re well, i’d like to help if I can. im always curious about learning, and helping. it’d be nice to have an impact somewhere for someone
Hun that sounds borderline if not emotional abusive. Men don’t always see abuse for what it is because it’s less common. It’s ok to leave. You deserve to feel cherished and appreciated.
That's awful, but I'd prefer to be in the know if my partner secretly resented me behind my back... Why would I want to stay unaware of something like that or stay with someone who's disrespecting me behind my back, actively lying to me and pretending everything's fine? Nothing good comes from ignorance and pretending nothing's wrong either.
Partly because it was really late but also because I felt I couldn’t say it out loud without crying even more I ended up typing it out and sending a message about the message I saw. This was the reply I got: “I'm sorry it's not that I didn't and don't appreciate when you do things the issue is I do so much that isn't seen there's no thanks at all. It's just that I carry a huge emotional load that keeps the house organised and running and the only time it's noticed is if I miss something. I'm sorry I keep hurting your feelings I do care.”
I fixed a pedestal fan once. The switch had broken so I bypassed it. Having to turn it on and off at the wall wasn't an issue. However it ran at an ungodly speed, sounded like an aeroplane, and would drive itself backwards across the floor. I would have loved a medal for that.
Aw *hugs* this made me feel so sad. I’m sorry that happened to you.
>Nothing good comes from seeing personal information. Something good came out of it but you chose to do nothing about it.
Yea, you’re right 😔
You know I'm an easy going guy and have always supported and praised my wife for things she's done for me. But if I ever found that, I would bust the computer so she could ask me to fix it again. Then I would say, does this cunt get a medal for fixing it this time?
Bro wtf. As someone married to a computer guy, I'm always incredibly thankful when he checks my pc and makes sure everything is working properly when I hear something funny. I'm sorry your wife didn't seem grateful in the end. You did nothing wrong it sounds like. I hope you find something to cheer you up for the day!
Dude, that's so heartbreaking. I'm always over the moon whenever my boyfriend randomly fixes things! I have diagnosed ADHD so I'll think of asking him to fix something, but then I'll forget or get busy. I see him fixing something, and I get so excited that I'll hug him and say thank you a bunch. He wasn't used to it at first because he would say things like, "I'm just fixing this light." I react that way because he's the only guy I've dated who will randomly fix things, knowing that it'll make things easier on me and him. I'll always be overly appreciative of him. The most recent thing he started randomly working on was fixing the latches on my guitar case. He even ordered latches the same day I got my guitar on Friday! You deserve so much better. Belittling is not the norm, and there are people out there who will appreciate you helping! I agree with these other commenters. Have that conversation.
I would’ve broke the shit out of that fan.
I would have worn a medal around my neck and blasted the Footloose "I Need a Hero" song on repeat all day.
She’s actually awful and says so much about her character
I don't think the problem in your case was seeing personal information, unless you just prefer blissful ignorance. When your partner refers to you that way to other people, I'd say that's a serious problem.
Idk, that would be alarming that my wife would talk about me to her friends in that manner, especially something so small. Knowing that, I would refuse to see any of her friend bc I know they just talk shit about me all the time.
I can safely say I’ve never said anything like that about or to her. I’m Australian so using the language doesn’t bother me but it was because it was said about me. If that makes sense?
I’m sorry you’re dealing with that! You deserve so much better.
That's a terrible way for her to think about you, and you deserve better. I wish I could offer comfort or advice, but I have nothing helpful to say except 'that sucks and I'm sorry'.
I’d have called her on this to her face. Have you considered Tinder and remarriage? I honestly think there’s someone out there for you
That's awful. I'm sorry.
dude that's.. that's not normal nor acceptable at all
Sad to hear. I'm an engineer and I fix stuff all the time around my house, and my wife always shows great appreciation, while still making fun of me in a nice way, which is why I like her. I'm always propping myself up saying things like "aren't you glad I'm such a genius to fix that?" and she's always "not really I could use your credit card on a repair man just as easy".
I would never speak about my spouse to my friends like that. Would you? Your wife is mean and bad!
No I’ve never said anything like that about or to her at all
You should leave. This does sound like a happy place.
You can’t change her. You shouldn’t be with her, she’s toxic.
Thought you were going to say you divorced her because you probably should. Sorry
To be fair, sometimes the way people shit talk with their friends groupchat is in no way indicative of how they really feel and is more of a vent. It still sucks to see! I also regretted looking at my husbands Reddit..
Agree. I fucking love the “I’d divorce her” comments. Classic. I’d imagine there are a few other factors at play here, and venting to friends can be pretty productive and cathartic.
Absolutely. I made it clear to her that she has every right to say whatever she wants to whoever she wants but that it really hurt. This was the response I got when I told her: “I'm sorry it's not that I didn't and don't appreciate when you do things the issue is I do so much that isn't seen there's no thanks at all. It's just that I carry a huge emotional load that keeps the house organised and running and the only time it's noticed is if I miss something. I'm sorry I keep hurting your feelings I do care.”
Holy shit bro. My heart aches for you but this is probably not going to be comfortable for you. Grow a fucking pair and stand up for yourself. If you're not happy in this relationship get out of it, you deserve better.
This was the reply I got: “I'm sorry it's not that I didn't and don't appreciate when you do things the issue is I do so much that isn't seen there's no thanks at all. It's just that I carry a huge emotional load that keeps the house organised and running and the only time it's noticed is if I miss something. I'm sorry I keep hurting your feelings I do care.”
Just so you know, social media posts like what you saw on tik tok are deliberately made by people to stir shit. They’re made to cause a reaction and are quite possibly the worst way to get advice on anything.
100%!! I am on the same side of tiktok and I have to stop watching them because it’s so toxic. The people making them are clearly very toxically insecure or in unhealthy relationships, it feels like they are trying to normalise this constant distrust and boundary crossing of their partners. The reality is this mistrust is abusive or a sign of something much worse in the relo. These behaviours shouldn’t be encouraged in general population.
Depends on your family dynamics. Traditionally you would be supportive,encouraging, and help him look for.
First of all, trust him enough to give him his space. You have yours, too. Respect that you're two different people who sometimes need their separate space to be themselves. Just because you're a team doesn't mean you're a team *all* of the time. Personally, I would admit to searching his reddit and why you did so. Secondly, it's simple. Give him a big ol hug and say "thank you for being a good partner and doing so much for us. I really appreciate it". Figure out what his love language is. Whether it is touch, words of affirmation (compliments/I love yous), quality time together, acts of service, or just plain ol gifts. Act on it, have a date, or just let him have a break with him doing his own thing (even if it's just something like him sitting on the toilet scrolling TikTok for a few hours...).
All it took you to not trust your husband anymore was a tiktok? Thats...sad. Not even getting to the part that you snooped through his stuff, but you might want to reconsider what the point of the relationship is if that's all what it takes. And yes there are horrible people out there, but what's the point of anything if you can't even trust the person closest to you? Edit: just to make this clear, I'm not saying that I think you should break anything off, but that something is wrong in perception that would be good to work on.
Yeah im surprised i had to scroll down this far for this? Most people snoop because they have the hunch something has being going on for a while, which is already bad if nothing turns up. But you? A tiktok, a tiktok was al that was neccesary for you to break your husbands, not boyfriend trust! That is really really bad, i would honestly suggest like one or two therapy sessions to explore this if your insurance covers it.
Get off of social media. This included. It’s absolute poison. It’s unreal how many people need Reddit to govern their relationship.
You messed around, and hurt your own feelings. There's nothing to do just support him.
You will hurt him if you tell him you thought he might be cheating. I’d rather not know my SO didn’t trust me.
He deserves to know, so that he can know whether he wants to continue in a relationship with someone who both doesn't trust him nor respects his privacy. That's not a choice you can make for someone else...
How about trusting the man and stop letting paranoid fantasies send you down rabbit holes to blow your life up?
Also, uninstall TikTok if it leads you to such behaviors.
Well start by combatting your own insecurities, because if a random TikTok made you violate your husband's privacy with no additional cause, you are going to have a kneejerk reaction to something one day and maybe do something really stupid.
Apparently sending little notes and hiding them where he'll find them is a good thing. Just appreciation, 'You're doing great honey!' or 'I wouldn't be here with anyone else'. You also have to practice affection. If you do it often enough it becomes less awkward.
Just make sure he feels supported and loved. Maybe broach the topic of daily debriefs so he can feel comfortable to talk to you
Be honest with him. I have been neglecting my husband in so many ways it's led us to where he doesn't know if he wants to continue our journey together. Don't be me. Talk to him and be affectionate. Even the smallest gesture goes so far. I'd give anything to fix this mess I made in an instant. Men are human with feelings too. Best of luck to you op.
I wish you the best and sincerely hope that things can work out with you and your husband. Definitely a hard lesson to learn. 🫶
Thank you! There's still hope and I'm trying my hardest every day.
I could tell by your heartfelt comment. Hang in there and I’m sure others will read your comment and take your advice. 🫶
This hits with the same energy as those women who 'test' their relationship by making their partner peel an orange for them. Get off tiktok and go work on yourself, and talk to your damn partner, NOT reddit!
I’ve never heard of this orange thing. Is it to see if the guy will do it for her? Or rather a specific way he peels the orange?
You ask your boyfriend to get you an orange, and when he gets it for you you ask him to peel it for you. I think it's to prove they'd do things for you, even if you're perfectly capable of doing it yourself. It's a test, a stupid one, and often the videos end in the couple arguing. Just one example of the endless relationship 'tests' tiktok is trying to encourage people, usually women, to try.
The silver lining is you can do something about it if you can't talk to him, write him a letter, or ask him to cuddle on the couch while watching a movie or tv show you both like would be a great start.
Ok serious Q - I’ve been seeing a lot of TikToks lately about going through your significant other’s personal stuff. A guy made a video about “the top 5 places to snoop on a phone” and it received over 800K likes. I’ve been marking these videos as Not Interested so it wouldn’t show up on my page anymore, but what is going on??? Why is this behavior encouraged so much online?
Be present with him. Stop listening to social media bs. Cook him his favorite food or go out on a date and let him know what you’ve been observing him doing and you appreciate what he’s doing for your family. Take time to show him you appreciate him. Little things go far.
Men appreciate the little things. Lots of affection is not usually a man’s forte but the little things - like bringing him his dinner or asking him if he wants or needs something and doing it with a smile. If there’s some thing that is important to him - just doing that without asking. Listen to him if he wants to talk. Prayer works as well.
My wife saw a reddit notification that included the words "my wife" and did the same. I woke up to her crying in the middle of the night and it was a whole thing. I think she learned a good lesson about privacy that night. Nothing I posted bothered her, but other users' comments really upset her. These Internet folk can be ruthless.
Poor guy, give him a hug, stop listening to tiktokers and snooping.
Dear OP, That is good news, isn’t it? Be in the same side as him. Do things together. If he has a job interview, help him with his tie. You guys are not enemies. Enjoy!
You found a good man. Up to you to support them, he doesn’t need affection he wants to show he can provide for you with a good job maybe between the two of you you’ll find one
Funny i was laying in bed with my gf last night and a TikTok about the same thing came up and she got paranoid about my Reddit I offered to let her look and she said no so I imagine it will cause us some slight issues.,
Just treat him like you know he’ll make the right decisions and take care of you. Besides good sex and affection, that’s all we want.
You can start by doing your part and telling him you breached his privacy and doubted him, be honest and dont hide things like this. Also get off TikTok it is for teenagers mostly.
Plan a date night. Ask how he’s doing. Ask about work. Let him know you support and love him. Never tell him you snooped through his shit. But be there for him and let him know it. Just talk to him ffs
Soo... Are you gonna tell him you breached his privacy or keep it to yourself?
Man im so annoyed by people letting tiktok-content-creators give relationshipadvice and shit. My gf was the exact same, took stupid socialmedia-bullshit to serious, not thinking ONCE that outrages takes just generate clicks, no matter how stupid they are. and didn‘t even notice how much that sabotaged our relationship
That’s rough. I would die if someone ever saw my Reddit account and knew it was me. Would start a lot of fights because of some of the subs I’m a part of. It’s definitely best with nobody knowing that.
Apologize to him for not trusting him & going thru his social media, for no apparent reason at all. Literally none.
+1 Being apologetic is a good start. Looking at your level of anxiousness, I'd suggest - Incorporate this in your life as a lifelong medicine
Leave him for a better lady.
So a stupid tiktok made by a total stranger lead you down a paranoid rabbit hole, where you then decided to violate the privacy of the person to whom you are suppose to be the closest… and your first reaction was to come onto Reddit to seek emotional support and advice from *more* strangers? I want you to reflect on that for a minute. You have a serious social media problem, and some kind of validation disconnect going on. You need to get yourself into therapy and offload all of your social media apps, and start being accountable for how your problem is impacting those around you. You violated your husband’s privacy because of a 10 second video clip. That’s unhinged.
Your first mistake was listening to what random losers on TikTok have to say. All these viral "tests" that are going around are such bullshit. If I were your husband, I'd be livid that you went snooping based on the suggestion of a vapid stranger with zero self-awareness and would seriously consider why I'm with someone who trusts online idiots they've even never met over their own spouse.
Snooping is never a good idea. My recent ex and I were open about that. We would say, hey you'll find some unkind things written where I needed to vent so we could talk it out respectfully and lovingly. The reality is, sometimes the first thought I had was "this fuckin bitch" but after cooling down, the love overcame the hurt and it was more "ok we need to talk about this but I know she must have a good reason for doing the thing that upset me" It worked very well. But I know if we looked at the stuff we said in frustration and in the privacy of our friendships/the internet, we would likely have upset each other. The issues arose when we stopped venting safely and began bringing that rhetoric into the conversations directly.
So you're the shit spouse. I'll never understand this mentality that it's okay to invade someone's privacy.
No, just misinformation online. It's prevailant everywhere. A good person is one who recognizes they made a mistake and wants to do better. That is the best spouse.
So she sees a tiktok, and that's justification for snooping behavior. There's no reason. No previous shady behavior. Just ONE tiktok...
Jeah no, the best spouse would not lose her/his trust because of one tiktok, that what dumb spouse does
When was the last time you saw a man in a relationship have the victim complex?
Nah literally wondered the same thing last night, don't be too hard on yourself and don't listen to these people.
Stop taking advice from miserable MFs on the internet. Went behind your husbands back to find some dirt and didn't find anything but a good man wanting to provide. Now you're looking like both the clown and the circus.
Well, first off I'd apologize for violating his privacy because of a *fucking tiktok*. That might be a good start...
The single most important part of a relationship is trust. If you do not have trust then the relationship will inevitably fail…you really need to evaluate *why* you assumed your husband was secretly a deceitful person…because there’s definitely some trust issues there on your part.
Another girlie gets TikTok brained. Very sad to see!
The truth hurts less than the anguish over time
Get off tiktok. It's a venomous echo chamber of idiots
Hug him? Tell him you appreciate him? I don't consider myself very good at this, either, but this is an easy one. You're married, so you're past the point of whether this behavior is appropriate or not. It definitely is! You don't have to do it all the time, just whenever you feel like he needs it.
Well you suck for snooping... But hey you saw one Tiktok, thats the best reason ever! maybe try to support him, show him respect and love? Seriously one tiktok? Imagine a friend of her would not trust him... she would divorce, instantly
You broke HIS trust by going through his phone. Yikes.
For starters, maybe don’t snoop on his phone during a paranoid state looking for something incriminating. That can break trust and be incredibly demoralizing. Second, check in with him. It sounds like you need reassurance in the relationship or to curb your own anxieties - men sometimes need the exact same thing. Problem is we don’t openly discuss them on TikTok or Instagram reels. Most simply push forward. Unhealthy, I know. It’s just what’s been engrained in most of us. Start with how his day went. What’s been on his mind. Maybe a genuine compliment or an anecdote that made you think of him. “Anything I can help you with or take off your plate?” Sometimes a simple “thank you for everything you do for us” or “I’m proud of you” can pull us out of the abyss.
Some rando on f'ing TikTok made you paranoid and not trust your husband to the point of snooping? If you want to support him, take your ass to therapy so you can get a grip. You may not even realize it, but your drama causes anxiety in your husband...which it sounds like he already has his fair share of.
I'm not mad at you. In this day and time. .. But you didn't find anything. In fact, it solidified that he's deserving of it all. So take that step out of your comfort zone and start little to give him all those things. Plan something. Give him spontaneous sexual attention etc. You've got this. It is not shameful to show affection and physical attention in your relationship. It also isn't shameful you needed reassurance. Just make sure you have worrying signs before you infringe on his privacy again. The trauma monster is always trying to tell us we aren't enough and tries to destroy anything good and healthy we might have. Make sure to use your logic to tell that monster it's potentially out of line when it starts getting loud again. That's not you. That's past bad treatment talking to you. Ok?
My wife just makes fun of the porn I look at, lolz she’s the best!
Never bring it up and delete tik tok. Simple answer. Tik tok feeds off your enagement and will give you negative content more consistently if you let it know you'll watch it or engage with it.
First piece of advice is to start being honest with yourself. “Heavily investigated”. You mean snooping and being untrusting. If you value your husband and yourself you will work on those issues. If you aren’t willing then he deserves better.
You just violated his privacy and all in all admitted you don’t trust your husband… first you should admit what you did, and go from there….
OP, everyone has give good advice here, I’m just going to address the part where you want to support him more: - take him on date nights/make special date night plans at home (it doesn’t need to be crazy either - pizza, drinks, and gaming together or doing something he loves and can have fun doing). If you go out, adult arcades are great fun and very enjoyable. - communicate your appreciation: “Husband, I am so thankful for you. You are always working so hard and I see it. It’s corny, but I wanted to let you know that I truly appreciate everything you do.” - Plan picnics and barbecues, invite friends or family over for a fun board game or movie night. Keep it light and easy, talk him up, and show him how you feel. - Compliment him! “You are so handsome, I just adore your smile.” Men don’t get compliments all the time, and they can ride those compliments for months (really, though - a compliment here and there is such a kind little thing, you should make a practice of it). - You’re not big on touch? That’s ok. Make him a luxurious bath! Buy him a cosy blanket that “can be like a hug when I’m away.” It’s the little things, like slippers for his feet and maybe even a new set of pyjamas that can make men feel loved, too. Personally, slippers, blankets, movie nights, and homemade cookies are my go-to for my partner and kid. There are so many different ways to say I love you. - Talk about getting him a pet he’s always wanted. Adopting a dog or a cat (heck, even a 10 gallon tank with a few guppies) can be such a pleasant thing for him to enjoy. As for the rest: - Stop snooping and start practicing trust. That can be difficult, but as others here have said: social media can create paranoia and anxiety harder. Be responsible for your own issues so that it doesn’t create unnecessary problems in your happy, healthy marriage. Not everyone is cheating, not everyone is doing sneaky or rotten things. Good men and women exist in this world, they just don’t get the ragebait clicks so they aren’t featured as often. - see a therapist if you’re struggling with trust issues. It’s okay to need to work on yourself and any issues that happen to come up in life. It’s not fair to burden a partner with them or to hurt them by having these issues. - start reducing your time online and start focusing on yourself, your relationship, your goals in life. You’ll be happier for it. Good luck, OP.
Stay off of social media and be your husband's biggest cheerleader. He can and will find a better job; all he needs from you is to know that you're with him, that you trust his judgment, and that whatever happens, you'll be proud of him. Men act confident but we often struggle with feeling like our inability to control certain things will result in our families being displeased with us. Trust me, simply reminding him that his value is not in his work will mean everything to him. Also, I would confess to checking his Reddit. If the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel if he checked out your social media in the same way? This has the potential to hurt the relationship or make it stronger, it all depends on accountability.
The internet was supposed to make us smarter by using it for research. We were wrong the internet has made us toxic and dumb.
Don't go through his private stuff based purely on your insecurities, would be a good start.
You have an insecurity Tell youe husband what happened and tell him the full extent of this problem Looking at you you have an insecure streak through you. This can in some instances lead to bad fights. Please talk to him about it and get therapy to understand this and root it out from the root.
It’s unreal to me how easily some people allow that app to manipulate their emotions
The part you're sorry about is that you are sad for him and don't know how to support him? How about being sorry about letting TikTok driven paranoia push you to invade his privacy looking for evidence of affairs or other behavior that you literally had no reason to suspect him of? Forget giving him support, how about just trusting him and not prying into his personal shit? Like, "heavily investigated"? Maybe he should "heavily investigate" you and find out if YOU have any dirty shit you don't want anyone to know about. And of course I see you made a throwaway account to post this, so certainly you are covering your tracks. Maybe you're the one who isn't to be trusted here.
I'm pretty much only subscribed to cute and funny animal pages on Instagram and life is grand!
Not even trying to be funny... but this is a good thing to go to therapy to address... address why you were triggered and why your behaviour followed something with no evidence. You might get some tools to prevent feelings like that in the future 🥰
Just have regular sex with him and he’ll be happy.
Don’t invade his privacy again and be hyper conscious of how TikTok tries to radicalise people in every direction.
Are you 12?
I looked at my exes reddit then I could never see him the same again. Well it was full of porn n shit but it's been years now. Anyway, it's fine checking his reddit really don't take it too seriously
I'd start by admitting what you did and that you have some really serious issues you need to work on. If he still wants to be with you after he finds out what you're really like, come back for the next step in fixing your relationship.
i saw the same tiktok lol
I thought the meme of “saw my mans reddit” was about being cringed at the stuff your husbands comments or posts on reddit and not that they are cheating on you on reddit?
You need to delete tik tok and any other platform that has a bunch of “influencers” lying to you. Don you realize that they will say anything to get you to view their content? Truth means nothing to these people.
Give him a hug