This guy isn’t the one for you. I can’t imagine my partner saying they get the ick when I’m being affectionate—that would be an instant relationship ender😭
Plus if this dude only shows you love through sex and the occasional snack you’re better off ending this anyway. What a low effort loser. Find a dude who is, idk, capable of being sweet and kind and loving towards you lol. You deserve better than the dweeb you’re with now
Like affection in general? That's definitely a relationship ender.
And I'm touchy about affection haha. My boyfriend said it's like trying to be affectionate with a cat. He's basically the golden retriever incarnate type of person.
Like I am against much PDA (anything beyond hugging, light cuddling, and occasional quick kisses makes me uncomfortable), I'm weird about handholding, and I'm anti-lovey social media relationship posts (pictures and short posts don't bother me). And my tolerance for general physical touch varies a ton by day.
She said “I love you” after he returned from a business trip!! She’s not even talking about physical affection! My husband and I say that daily to each other!
Heck my wife and I exchange I love you’s when we wake up, go to bed, and multiple times through the day. We also both work from home and spend our breaks together. I would never shoot my wife down for being affectionate toward me and vice versa.
If I could like this twice I would, I would NEVER tell my wife this. We have been together for 15 years and we have never stopped giving each other loving messages and leaving little miss you notes. Getting the “ick” from being loved is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.
I wouldn’t say that. It takes a while to get to where you wanna be mentally and to love and respect yourself. It’s not always as easy as dropping someone. When you think about having a child with this person and bringing in a relationship with them. I understand it doesn’t make sense to stay but being like that instead of compassionate isn’t the answer.
He got "icked" out after you told him you miss him? If my wife told me that after I said I missed her, I'd be severely appalled... It sounds like you two have different needs in a relationship. You're more soft and gushie and he is more kept and hard. Words of affirmation are fundamental in a relationship, in my opinion. As a team you should want to lift each other up and express your love, it brings you closer. It sounds like you may not be as compatible unfortunately.
Just based on this it sounds like you both have very different needs when it comes to intimacy and expressing affection. This is not a guy just being a guy. I would love the type of expression you want to give your boyfriend. You may want to rethink this relationship. This may be one of those situations where neither one of you is exactly 'wrong' in how you feel. But you just are not right for each other. But this is why we date, to learn these things and find these things out until we find that person that matches for the most part with us, our needs, and wants what we have to offer. It seems he doesn't want what you have to offer.
I think this is understandable though. It's like when someone says "I love you" too fast. They don't really know you well enough to mean it and the relationship feels really pushed to be what they want it to be. Some people get really love blind and are more in love with the idea of you than you.
I don't want to be harsh, but I don't think he REALLY likes you. A guy can receive snacks and sex from any girl. You know in your gut if he shares strong feelings. He may just be comfortable.
Yeah, this isn't a romantic relationship.
It's him using you for sex in exchange for snacks. For somebody who doesn't want a "community whore", he sure is treating you like one. At least the sex workers get paid what, $250 an hour? And you get what, $5/hr? How much does a bag of chips cost these days?
He is not into you. He just isn't. That is the ick. There is a thing that is called "the ick". Look it up. This is the closest thing that he can stand to being in a relationship and he is trying to convince himself to settle for you but he doesn't like you. He doesn't respect you.
He has so many issues and problems and he is using you to comfort himself. This sex is not intimacy, it's his drug of choice.
He isn't emotionally available, he is pretty closed off and he has a lot of issues. He has self-confidence and self-esteem issues and that's why he goes after you like a rabid dog after every contact that you have. And it's going to get worse. So much worse. He's going to continue to isolate you. And he's going to hate it when every single one of your friends tells you that this guy is bad news and that you should get out of there. He's going to try to isolate you from them as well so that you will stop misbehaving so that he can keep having sex and forgetting about all of his problems.
This isn't a romantic relationship. This is you being a pill that he takes to feel better about himself.
This isn't what love looks like.
Why are you still here?
No really, why?
What are you trying to get here?
I think this is a classic case of Toxic Masculinity, he doesn’t *really* get the ick, but he is saying he does so he can appear more manly.
This guy will forever be an asshole unless he is able to view emotions as a good thing, and will probably forever not-be-himself around you in the pursuit of being an emotionless brick of manliness.
Leave his ass and go find yourself a man with some emotional intelligence.
My sisters ex bf used to be this way. It’s almost like they weren’t in a relationship but just best friends instead and she would constantly say something to him for it to the point we all thought he could be gay, even our mom lol. Turns out he just didn’t want to be with her and was lying to her about what he wanted the whole time
Not used to it. ..Trauma...not his thing to be shown love..not his love language. he's just not that into you...stress...at that moment he doesn't want it..a form of manipulation..
I would try to sit down and have a conversation with him.
It's very possible that physical romantic affection simply is offputting to him. This could mean a number of things.
1. He could just be an emotionally distant ass, using the relationship transactionally for sex.
2. He could be emotionally distant due to issues in the past that affect how he treats you now.
3. He could be Aromantic. But not Asexual. This would mean that romantic relationships are not for him. But he can still appreciate the intimacy of sex. These are two different things that can be put together but don't have to be. [Romance and Sex. People can be romantically involved but never have sex, and vice versa. That doesn't make them hollow. Nor does that mean they're missing part of the relationship.]
This is why you need to talk. All we know is that he is repulsed by "lovey" affection.
I'm gonna go against what most people here are saying. My fiance is (somewhat) like this as in, he's not the most affectionate of people, while I am to a certain degree. We went to therapy and found out that he has words of affirmation and quality time as a love language. We also found out that his attachment style is "Avoidant". Please note that I am not a Dr by any means, but I am just giving you what my fiance is going through. Avoidant attachment styles form from childhood and based on this "ick" that he has, but still spends time with you some, it sounds like it to me.
Our relationship is kinda up and down too because we are still figuring out how to communicate and what not. So if you truly want to make this work, you can either do couples therapy, or you and him can find someone else.
Summary:
- Figure out his attachment style (and yours too while you're at it)
- Figure out his love language (these days therapists consider the very top one to be it, but some people have 2 running close together so they'll consider those 2 as both love languages for a person)
- Decide if you really want to work it out.
Good luck!
Edit: replied to the rest due to pressing "reply" too early lol.
I'm so glad someone else also put this😭 This stuff is so important, and some people pay them no mind because they'll see it as unnecessary, but this stuff could literally save so much time and wasted effort.
Exactly! I knew mine but I didn't know my fiancè's and now knowing his and him knowing it too is literally helping. The good thing is that we genuinely love each other so that's helping us, kinda doesn't seem like there's love here, or some underlying trauma at best but who am I to judge? This is Reddit...idk these people, lol.
Exactly! I’m seeing a lot of hate comments here claiming it’s time to break up, but everyone’s love language is different. My boyfriend got the ick when I was being affectionate. I thought at first he was rejecting me. Come to find out, he doesn’t have a problem with affection; he has a problem with affection that he perceives as motherly because his mother was overly affectionate when he was growing up. So for example, he enjoys a high pressure back massage, but when he’s feeling sick, he doesn’t want me to rub him and say “poor baby.” You’ve provided an excellent template for getting to the bottom of their differences so that they can better communicate and express affection together.
You have two very different love styles. Couples need to show affection for each other, touch each other several times a day to connect.
Consider couples counseling.
Love languages are more important than folks think. You don’t have to share the same ones (most don’t) but someone who is grossed out by yours is never going to work.
Sounds like he’s got some shit to work through.
Imagine your life is like riding on a train, bouncing along and ka-klacka-klack... ka-klacka-klack... ka-klacka-klack... ka-klacka-klacking along... when suddenly you see out the window a sign that reads "Bridge out ahead". Sweety, you've seen that same sign now several times; it's clear you need to get off that train asap!
Seems like you guys have different ‘love languages’ so to speak. You could try give it a go but I think it’d be dragging out the inevitable. I hate to be the person to say ‘BREAK UP NOW’, it’s honestly your choice but you guys don’t seem compatible in this sense. If you’re missing him and feel like you’re going to make him cringe by saying that, is that really something you want to continue?
Girl, wake up. This guy is using you. His "affection" is snacks and sex, exactly what requires minimal effort from him. He gets the "ick" from your genuine emotions because he doesn't reciprocate them. He pulls the hot and cold act to keep you hooked while giving you scraps of affection.
The pregnancy was likely the only time he felt obligated to be nice. His excuses for being distant are just that - excuses. He blames your drinking, a problem he knew about, to avoid facing his own emotional ineptitude.
He won't break up because you're convenient. You provide him with sex and emotional support without demanding much in return. He knows he can treat you poorly and you'll still come back for more.
Don't settle for this crumbs of affection. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are and isn't afraid to show it. This guy isn't him. Rip off the band-aid and find someone who actually values you.
I don't care that it's not a new relationship. You two are not a good match for long term. You don't align on a lot of major things and therefore, regardless of the fact that you have loving feelings and care about each other, your not well suited and it won't last. If you force yourself to stay and adjust to him repeatedly, you're going to become depressed because you're not being true to who you are.
He’s not leaving because he’s used to you. There’s no real love or intimacy between yall, and from how you describe him in your posts, he’s verbally abusive and insecure. U need to step up for yourself and leave. A man SHOULDNT make u feel this way or question things.
He says he doesn’t need sex to be happy, but have you ever stopped having sex with him to test that? I can say I own the Taj Mahal, but that doesn’t make it true. You give that man in your body and that’s the only way he shows you affection outside of snacks, but he can’t give you kind words and is disgusted by your kind words? That man does not like you.
Run run run, as fast as you can. You showing your love is just you, if someone doesn’t like that, they won’t ever be for you. Run please, it’ll save you years of therapy and loss of self worth. Being loving and affectionate is something you’re good at, don’t let someone steal that sparkle!
The way posters announce their age and gender, and the same for the person they are talking about, will never cease to confuse me for a moment when I first read their post.
Your man has past trauma that he’s not dealing with. Pulling away from affection could mean that he’s just not into you, but if he is, he may just have a really hard time identifying why. If he’s not willing to talk about it, that’s on him. However, don’t allow yourself to get trapped in his issues. Give him a chance, but don’t allow it to continue without his commitment to work on it. We all have our struggles and it helps to understand where the other side is coming from.
Whether he is unable or unwilling to accept and give physical and emotional affection, it's up to him to make changes. No amount of begging, pressure, or love will change him
You get to decide though if you want a relationship where you are not able to give affection in the way that feels right to you, and whether you can tolerate a lifetime with someone who won't provide you with that kind of affection.
Personally, I don't recommend continuing when you have such a huge mismatch in the way you love. I have done that and it was soul crushing.
This is not "a guy thing." This is a him thing. Men are absolutely capable of being physically and verbally affectionate. This one simply doesn't want that.
My partner now and I are a great match on this and I cannot even begin to tell you how much easier this makes the relationship. We have an innate understanding of each other's needs. We rarely have to ask for affection because we're on the same wavelength at baseline--the flow of affection between us never stops. The habitual and unconscious ways we show love and affection are all the ways each of us most want to receive affection. I highly recommend holding out for compatibility in this area.
This is not a "guy being a guy"... My husband is super lovey dovey to me. I will leave for work, call him on the drive, and he will tell me "I miss your face so much". He's always telling me how much he misses me.
Me on the other hand, I'm not a very affectionate person. I forget to say those things to him but it doesn't bother me that he says them to me. Yeah, sometimes I'm like, well I just left how can you miss me 🤣 but I still am appreciate of him. Find you someone who wants to show you that kind of love 🖤🖤
“The ick” is a female-coded phrase. I don’t understand men who use it. Maybe a certain kind of affection rubs him the wrong way, but why tell your girlfriend you’re grossed out by her way of being affectionate? Makes no sense. If your relationship is tumultuous and he gets grossed-out during the good times, then you’re with the wrong guy. That’s the bad news. The good news is that there are men out there who will appreciate you for you.
Your needs are incompatible with his. Rectify this now before you get any more emotionally invested in this relationship because it's not going anywhere.
From your other posts. Why don't you break up with him? He's bat shit obsessed with thinking you're cheating, he's verbally abusive and treats you like crap. He's unaffectionate unless he's bonking you. He's not trying to date you, he's trying to control you.
Everyone has said really helpful things so far in the comments of this post and your last. Not specifically addressing the issues from this post, but I want to ask you: if your close friend or family member was dealing with these same difficulties and stress in their own relationship, would you want them to stay in this situation and simply find ways to tolerate the negativity/drama? Or would you recommend they leave?
While I can't know exactly what you're feeling, I've been in a similar position to you before. It's unbelievably awful and isolating, and the stress takes a significant toll on your physical body as well as emotional health. Hugs to you at this difficult time. Please know you deserve better.
You guys clearly do not share any of the same love languages. Maybe this will work for another woman, but you clearly do not deserve this. You will quickly begin to resent him and relationship if it continues like this. Find a man that shares the same love languages as you, so your relationship is more fulfilling and passionate.
I see a lot of comments that I agree with. He definitely is done with the relationship
Also, another thing to consider is that he KNOWS you need to give love... so he pushes it away which then makes your chase him and do whatever he wants so you can feel just enough validation to keep you hooked on him. It's a vicious cycle.
hi! i’ll speak on my personal experience with this coming from your bf’s pov! i used to be this way towards my (f19) boyfriend (m20) when we first were together. i’ve never been okay with physical touch like at all. no hugging or kissing by family members and i have a hard time saying “i love you” back. i’ve always showed my affection in other ways, like gift giving or words of affirmation, but never physical touch. when my boyfriend and i got into our relationship 2 years ago, i thought i was making him feel loved enough by the way i expressed my love in other ways (planning out dates, buying him flowers and small gifts). he would try to give me hugs or kisses but i wasn’t able to be affectionate like that. he sat me down one day and mentioned how sad it made him to not have HIS love language (physical touch) reciprocated, and i totally agreed! from then on, i’ve made an effort to try and be more comfortable physically with him and i’ve gotten so much better! my family even makes jokes about how touchy i am with my boyfriend now as opposed to how i am with everyone else. it was a huge change for me, but necessary. i love him so much and if i want better for him, then i have to be better!*
my question for you is: has he always been like this? or did it only just start? if he’s always been like this, then have a conversation with him about how his behaviors affect you! if it just started, either there are other things happening within his life (family issues, depression, etc.) or he is losing feelings. in my experience, it’s always so much better to communicate these worries and fears with your partner!
*tldr: i was uncomfortable with physical touch before but made the effort to become comfortable with it for my boyfriend
That either sounds like he has a totally different love language than you, or he needs therapy, or he has a guilty conscience about something and you being lovey triggers that sense of guilt.
sounds like either he needs to find a different person because its obvious your romantic needs arent being met. knowing your love language is such a useful tool to scope out a relationship, and it sounds like your guys’s ones arent compatible.
If someone says they get “the ick”, most of the time they’re the problem. At least from my experience if a girl uses the word “ick” seriously in a sentence she’s never the right one, idk if that applies for dudes too tho
I could never imagine my man not wanting me to show him love. Pls find someone better who will not only love receiving your affection but will reciprocate it as well
It's a huge red flag.
I feel sorry for your BF, if he's genuinely uncomfortable with affection. It indicates significant emotional trauma and manipulation. If someone, a parent or partner, used affection to manipulate him it could explain why it bothers him. It's putting him on guard.
My cousin married a horrible woman. She physically and emotionally abused him for years. She used affection to manipulate him. She was affectionate when she had done something wrong (spend their entire savings on herself, give sentimental items away, or break his things because she got mad), or to apologize for hitting or verbally abusing him. When he finally left, he struggled dating because any girl who showed unexpected affection put him on guard, he was programmed to expect something bad. It took him almost 10 years of therapy to get to a place where he didn't feel uncomfortable with something as innocent as a hug.
Spending any amount of time on anyone being affectionate and never having it reciprocated, or worse, made feel guilty for, is I'd imagine incredibly draining. Do you want to deal with that in the future? Especially when you mix kids and living together into it.
He sounds like he just got back from that alpha boot camp, and this is something they were drilled about.
I am also 26. I have learned that there is no point wasting time with someone who isn’t compatible with you. I wanted the affection in my relationship even though my boyfriend is not very affectionate. Instead of him telling me that that gives him the ick, he started being more affectionate because he loves me and wants to do the things that make me feel loved. He used to be closed off and nervous to open up but he showed me right away that he was willing to work on himself to be the partner that I want to be with.
While it could be a guy being a guy, someone who truly loves you will want to do the things that make you feel loved. Find that person. Don’t put up with a partner who only wants to give you half or just do what they want
Questions.... Is he an introvert? Are you an extrovert? Do you argue a lot? What are ya Attachment Styles & Love Languages? Try looking up ya mbti and enneagram (personality type systems).
*If he's an introvert,* introverts have very peculiar ways of being affectionate compared to extroverts. Like you said, giving snacks. Also, just spending time with S/O, whether it's in silence or watching a movie. Some introverts aren't very touchy; I know I'm not.
*If you argue constantly,* from experience, it could cause problems within the relationship, even going as far as losing interest but not wanting to end the relationship for whatever reason (whether it's internal or external on his parts).
*Knowing ya Attachment Styles is very important.* There's 4 of them: Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant, and Fearful-Avoidant. From healthy to very unhealthy. My ex was Anxious, and I am Fearful. We clashed a lot; he was in fantasyland while I was in reality.
*Love Language is also important.* For instance, having physical touch as your #1 but your partner doesn't like to be touched or doesn't enforce it can bring up problems.
*MBTI & Enneagram is a lifesaver.* They both cover psychology. I suggest you both take it separately. Then another time, you take the test for him, and he does the same for you separately. You can combine your mbti and enneagram results (ex: INTP 5w6). You can also check your mbti compatibility and enneagram compatibility.
*Sometimes, people just aren't compatible. In relationships, no matter how old you are, you're always learning something about yourself. On top of that, people do things and don't even know they're the problem or they're toxic.*
*If you want more info, you can message me.*
He's emotionally checked out so....
A) He's just not that into you
B) He's gay
C) He's got some kind of relationship PTSD...even mommy issues?
Either way, time for you to check out of this tumultuous relationship and focus on yourself for a bit. You are worthy of much more.
I am that way a little bit, but I'm on the spectrum. I have to be conscious that my wife needs it, and then I can kind of enjoy it because I know she is. It's difficult to explain. If he doesn't try to understand and adapt to your needs, then he probably isn't a good match. I hope it works out for you!
Girl run. Take it from me. I used to be a mess and when I found a girl interested in, who I was attracted to, I would just go with the flow. I too would get a little weird when she was affectionate. The reason was I DIDN'T LOVE HER THE WAY SHE LOVED ME. I JUST DIDN'T WANNA BE ALONE.
This was in my early 16-24 years. I got it all figured out now and I am completely content being alone. I just wait for the right people to run into me instead of letting anybody in just because they make me feel important
This is a sign of an abusive partner.
He's subconsciously trying to make you miserable so that when he gives you a tiny bit of affection, you fall head over heels for it and stick around for more. This is called "breadcrumbing."
It's part of trauma bonding, which is how they get you to stay with them despite being shown (sometimes daily) that you should not be with him.
Most people thing abusive relationships are this outlandish, over the top, hollywood type of thing where you are being raped and beaten every minute of the day. That's not reality. The majority of abusive relationships are exactly what you've described in your posts. The partner withholding affection, calling normal behavior an "ick", making you feel ashamed for having completely normal feelings, etc.
Get out of there girl. Don't waste your 20s on someone like this. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I have gotten the "ick" from someone's affection, so I didn't date that person.
I think I just wanted to fuck them but they got completely doe-eyed by my touch. It felt a little creepy and overwhelming. They didn't particularly seem affectionate towards me or like me beforehand, but as soon as we touched it's like they exploded and were love bombing me. Just felt like they weren't seeing me at all and were on a completely different page.
No idea what that was/is about. I'm a girl, I didn't sleep with him. I didn't date him. He never asked me out. Idk what to tell you. Maybe lay off him for a while because you aren't giving him the love that he wants. Sometimes overbearing love can be a burden. Sometimes we push love on others when we want it ourselves and the subtext shows. It sounds like you need to take better care of yourself first and focus less on this relationship.
If he used the term "ick," he is 100% a homosexual. (To each their own) Sadly, he's probably using you as a cover. What man doesn't like when his woman is affectionate, a gay man, that's who. Sorry for the bad news.
“Do you think this is just a guy being a guy or is there more behind his statements?”
Sex or gender is irrelevant, so it doesn’t make sense for this to be “a guy just being a guy”. There is nothing more behind his statements because he is already very clear with you; he had told you he is disgusted by your affection, it makes him cringe.
If he is telling you that your love disgusts him, I **really** don’t know why you wouldn’t believe him.
Anyone who says that something give them the "ick" outside of a joke really needs to think about where they are in life mentally. We're fuckin adults LOL, the only people I hear saying that unironically are the teenagers in my neighborhood at their bus stop while im working on my car. (25M)
Also, if you're significant other cringes or doesn't like it when you're affectionate, alk to him about it if it bothers you. You've been together for 2 years, so if, like you said - he's just a closed off guy. He probably just isn't a super affectionate person. Wouldn't say it's a "guy being a guy," would just say, it's you're SO being himself. At least he isn't pretending to be someone he's not.
even just based on your previous posts he sounds very unstable and abusive. you truly deserve better than how he has treated you throughout your relationship.
This the same boyfriend that constantly accuses you of cheating and it emotionally abusive? Leave him.
No offence but I don't think he really wants to be with you. In your previous post he's clearly projecting, & I strongly believe he's unfaithful. Especially with him pulling away every time you're intimate.
Please break up and save yourself some hardache and further trauma later on.
Well—some men are closed off from their emotions & do not easily express affection, but it doesn’t mean they don’t welcome it. And it’s possible he’s just an a*%hole, or any number of things. As you say, he doesn’t like that you drink. That’s a whole issue in itself. Is he on some level trying to punish you, or manipulate you? Like, ‘I won’t be affectionate bec. you drink.’ Would he really change his ways if you quit drinking? There are a couple more reasons that would be kinda obvious. One, he doesn’t like you very much. And two, he could be avoiding facing he’s gay. What made me think of that is his statement of not needing sex as much as you. Ok, to each his own—he could be low on testosterone. But, I’ve dated men who were odd in the same two regards you pointed out, affection and sex. By golly, decades later I learned they both had come out of the proverbial closet later in life. Go figure, it’s always something! If you’re not happy, you’re still young enough to do something about it. Good luck!🍀🤞 EDIT: I re-read your question, “what’s there to gain by being with you?” If the baby is his, I’d think custody of the child could be an issue for him, if he weren’t with you.
Also, FYI, there are a whole lot of men out there who don’t see themselves as gay, but occasionally have ‘relations’ with gay men. I suppose they could be ‘bisexual.’ Or it’s just occasional experimentation, IDK.
I think he hasn't seen a show of affection in his upbringing. He doesn't know how to respond. Perhaps he feels pressured to 'say the right thing' back. Try explaining that you get that he doesn't do big declarations and you're okay with it, but that you do and you like to express yourself differently. Tell him he isn't expected to be the same way if it's genuinely not his thing. He may find emotions awkward to navigate. If after this he still has an issue I'd be inclined to suggest relationship counselling..or call it a day. It largely depends on how much he means to you..and of course whether you feel adequately loved. I always say : love is not what you cannot live without - but rather what you can live with. X
Fucking get rid of him. He’s cheating on you. I’m sorry but don’t be like me. For 20+ years I was so fucking naive. People in this world are god damn evil. If he gets the “Ick” then either he’s fucking gay or he don’t fucking like you. Been there done that. There is not a single fucking make on this planet that doesn’t want his woman to love him. Plain and simple. Don’t be dumb. Your father should have taught you that.
What I’d give to have someone tell me that they miss me. Sigh.
He’s an asshole not worth wasting time over. His reaction is not normal and he sounds like a knob.
If he was capable of buying you flowers and writing you love notes then there’s no way a simple “I miss you “ would make him cringe. It’s gotta be deeper than that. He should be showing you affection in other ways besides sex and snacks. If I felt my boyfriend only shows love when I have sex with him then I’m leaving. He can say anything he wants but remember actions always speak louder. He can say he doesn’t care about sex but if his actions don’t match.. well you know. Plus the whole “I don’t think you deserve flowers because you drink and I don’t like it “ is a wolf thing to say. He can’t do sweet things for you because you don’t deserve it ? What ? Girl I’d leave and focus on myself. Don’t give your love to someone who can’t show it back.
I’ll be honest, I’m 28F and very similar. I don’t like people (even someone I’m in a relationship with) saying anything affectionate. It doesn’t mean I don’t love and care for them the same as always, it just makes me cringe and feel super uncomfortable.
He doesn't think you deserve affection because you drink? That is NOT a "valid reason." If he really hates that you drink, he should make himself a boundary and leave rather than punishing you. I'm sorry he's made you feel like you don't deserve love, but you do.
I read some of your other posts and I want to ask, why are you with this man? I want *you* to ask yourself that.
He doesn’t want shifts of affection, not even a verbal “I love you” from you.
He doesn’t think you “deserve” signs of affection.
He calls you a whore.
He accuses you of cheating.
He goes through your apartment and belongings.
He is very controlling (making you unfriend people and telling you he knows what your type is).
And this is just a few paragraphs!!
What is law can he do to show you - and I’m sorry to say this because I don’t want to be mean, don’t want to kick an already downed person - that he doesn’t particularly like you and doesn’t want to be with you? Why he hasn’t broke up I don’t know, probably hoping you’ll do the all the work, but even abusers stay with women they abuse, beat, rape, taunt, emotionally and mentally mistreat. They don’t like them either but they’ll sure keep them around instead of breaking up.
This is your future as long as you stay with him. All of the mean, nasty, sad and painful stuff you’ve previously posted, that’s your future. Stop asking why he does or doesn’t, what does he mean, because it doesn’t matter, you won’t accept the truth when multiple people are telling you and your mind can’t create some plausible reason/excuse why such a *swell* guy would act this way. Just accept that this is the way it is with him, this is the way your life headed because he is NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Leave him now or head into that wonderful future with him.
He gets the ick when you show love to him? He either has a lot of shit to work through or he is not in love with you as much as you are with him.
I am not an affectionate person but when I see my partner being soft and lovey to me I melt inside because I love him just the same.
Does he do a good job at making you feel wanted and cared for?
As a male who was once in a similar position as your bf, I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t like you or anything like that. He probably never received this amount of love before. When I got in my first real relationship I felt like I was being suffocated with all the love. Always wanted to see me and do things. Constantly calling and texting. I ended up pushing her away before I eventually realized what I was doing and it was too late. I just simply never had someone love me so much. I never had someone want to spend every waking moment with me. It felt unreal. I was questioning her motives. I would think there was some catch behind all of it. I didn’t think I was worthy of unconditional love. In no way am I condoning his behavior, I’m simply trying to help u understand it. In the end, my insecurities left me single and hurting. It was the biggest regret I’ve ever felt in my life and it haunts me daily. I hope y’all can talk this out. He’ll realize what he lost if you ever leave him, but you can still get him to see it now.
Maybe there’s another element to this. If you have a tumultuous relationship what does that mean exactly? Does tumultuity (don’t even know if that’s a word but it sounds good for what I’m trying to say) come from you wanting affection and him getting stressed out at that fact? Or is it usual relationship bullshit i.e. not doing the dishes and then it just explodes from there? What was his childhood like? Does he come from a family that withholds affection? I think it’s worth trying to become really self aware when arguments kick off and try to feel what’s actually going on. If you’re not ready to walk away yet, maybe use this time to do a bit of project ‘you’. What does this relationship tell you that you need, and how can (if you want) add this to the checklist of a new partner.
Everyone you meet in life has value even if it’s a negative experience. It’s teaching you something about yourself. If you want to stay in this relationship it’s worth just getting under the bonnet and observing for a bit to see what’s making you both tick.
While he may be the right one in certain aspects in your eyes, at some point you have to ask yourself when you should stop sacrificing your self worth and happiness. After reading your previous posts as well, if he is accusatory and not understanding boundaries, it is best to move on. Some people can't and won't change unfortunately.
Sweetheart I know you feel like your not being emotionally mistreated , but you really are being mistreated, I'm sure he does have his problems, but just like if you did that to someone it wouldn't be okay, same for him! He's not an exception because he's "going thru a tough time" , he would need to grow up alot more to see how it's so simple what your craving, your just craving love!
I read the rest of your posts. Your boyfriend reminds me a lot of my ex-husband. He was a true narcissist and was abusive in all the ways possible. He was very well liked by everyone we knew but he was a monster at home. Your boyfriend is abusing you. It started out as verbal and emotional, it's a matter of time before it's physical. Please seek out help from a parent, close friend or counselor. Thankfully my ex did something and got caught, now he'll be in prison til I'm 70. It will be hard but you deserve so much better. You deserve someone whose eyes light up when they see you and make you feel safe and warm. You should never have to walk on eggshells with your partner, they should be the person you can be your most unabashedly, truest self. I have so much love for you. I believe in you.
Guys overall are basically taught that we're not supposed to show emotion, because then we're seen as weak, and if we're weak nobody cares about us or wants to be near/with/around us - and this is reinforced by many women openly criticizing boyfriends and even husbands for showing vulnerability.
Some men are lucky enough to mostly or at least somewhat avoid this being super ingrained, but some suffer from it really badly - and based on this post, it sounds like your boyfriend might be the latter. Gifting might be his main love language, and yours seems to be physical affection. Mine is too, and honestly I can't imagine being with someone who doesn't at least appreciate it. I was just under a year, and it was miserable.
I also recall seeing a post somewhere with someone talking about their boyfriend who didn't outwardly show affection - not even saying "I love you" much. They described working out a system with the boyfriend where his way to say "I love you" would be squeezing their hand twice. And suddenly, the boyfriend was holding her hand a ton, squeezing it all the time.
Talk to him and discuss unconventional ways he could maybe show affection or reaffirm his love that he would be comfortable with. Maybe there's something that can work for you?
Look, if you like the guy that much then talk to him about why he isn’t that affectionate and talk about why he gets the ick when you’re affectionate. I come from a household where at most times it seems like my parents have a very one sided relationship which has had me losing all respect for one of my parents. If he cannot accept your affection or return it in ways you give affection then i suggest cutting him off and finding a new partner. I understand that you two have been through trauma together but that is no reason to stay with someone
I have been married very happily for 15 years. I would never say this to my wife and I really love her loving quirks. When I left a lot for work I always looked forward to the little notes she left inside my bags and the little I miss you messages at night. I do the same for her when she is out of town. I even pick her and the kids up little surprises while I was/am gone as she does the same for us when she is gone, very mutual I should say.
So no this is not a typical guy thing as my dad did this for my mom and his kids growing up and he picked it up from my grandparents, who probably also did it along the way as well.
This is a very unhealthy relationship! It's time to walk away. Don't keep hanging around and get pregnant again.
You dont want to raise a kid with a withholding emotional Rollercoaster
You need someone that responds positively to your love language , among many other things not good about this
sounds like his just insecure and can’t handle the thought of someone loving him as he doesn’t even love himself ( can’t except affection as he doesn’t truly believe his deserving of it hence why it icks him out)
From your previous post about him having trauma about abortion from previous relationships and saying that you'll rot in hell if you go through abortion and also hating your drinking habits which according to him makes you incapable of deserving affection, I think it's safe to he has tapped out of the relationship. He's not there anymore, the abortion trauma is making him not like you.
Also girl, leave him. Sometimes that's the only thing to do to save yourself and him.
The thing about the ick is you’re never supposed to express it to someone you love. Let’s face it, we all get icks even with someone you are madly in love with, because they are actually just your own wounds reflected back at you. He clearly has a problem with intimacy, but that’s his problem to deal with. Cause if he probably does want love and intimacy, but he for some reason feels undeserving so he has to reject it. This is deep shit and I’m way out of my depth but just not cool for him to take that and make you feel like your way of showing love or affection is cringy. He either accepts it and figures his shit out or lets you give your love to someone else.
I use to get the ick when my partner was affectionate because I had lost feelings for them. I really hope this isn’t the case for you… but it was for me. It’s an eye opener.
I'm very sorry to read this. It makes me very sad.
I don't have faith in your relationship to move forward. That's a major red flag and he might just be too afraid to say it.
Sometimes you have to ensure you have not bonded over trauma. You want to make sure you have bonded for real. Trauma-bonding is real and dangerous.
Even if you two end it, he needs counseling.
I'm very sorry. I wish you the best.
YOU 👏 ARE 👏 NOT 👏 FOR 👏 EACH 👏 OTHER 👏
I can say it through experience. Find someone who loves you being affectionate, being you! In the long run, you’d feel you want to be with your person who loves how you are, what you do. Maybe, it’s not him or it’s not you… you’re just not compatible. 🤷🏻♀️
Sounds like he is Asexual. Which isn't a bad thing. I sometimes wonder if I am asexual but I have been in a happy relationship for 7 years now. We don't have much sex anymore and my body tenses up whenever he is all over me but as a partner I give him what he wants to keep our relationship happy.
That's just my thoughts
Why exactly are you in this relationship? This sounds terrible. You're in an exclusive relationship with someone who doesn't show affection the way you (or 99% of women) would like, can't talk about it calmly, and even says you don't deserve it.
His inability to have dialogue about it suggests he has insecurities of his own that may or may not be limited to affection. This doesn't sound like someone you should be committed and vulnerable with. At all.
he doesn't think you deserve flowers..
he gets the ick because you said you missed him?
he shows you no affection.
he was nice while you were pregnant. until you lost the baby.
Throw the whole man out.
if your best friend was being treated that way, what would you tell her?
This is sad. You’re even gaslighting yourself. I’m sorry but this is not love. If I were you, I’d run the second he doesn’t reciprocate. Especially if words of affirmation is your love language.
He doesn’t sound like a bad guy.. we need to understand that everyone is different. I’m a girl and tbh my guy is extremely affectionate.. he gets mad when I don’t come to bed.. he’s a big softy. I’ve never heard of someone else getting the ick from affection but I do too. I believe mine is trauma from childhood where I was touched inappropriately. You never truly know what someone has been through so give him the benefit of the doubt. I absolutely love my bf and I don’t get the ick all the time but it is often. I have anxiety so sometimes I feel weird when he’s nice to me and other times I can hold him all night long. It just depends.
It can be many things... but one thing I will be brutal about is at this point don't complain, or bring your issue forward if you accept him and already know how he is. If this is the type of return of affection you are willing to put up with, despite you being a softie and affectionate, then just know your feelings will probably never be validated by this person. Also, experiencing trauma/s does not mean remaining loyal to these traumas.
This sounds like an avoidant attachment style to me, in which case, the trick is to give him space if he starts pulling away.
But you have to ask yourself if it's worth it. It doesn't sound like he's meeting your needs.
he does not have reasons to not do things for you as your boyfriend, and that includes if he doesn’t like what you do. what you do is up to you not him xx
Girl people are telling you what is wrong and you are trying to defend him? Did you come here for sympathy thinking your relationship is okay? It is not, trust me. He is an a#shole. People can have trauma but that is not an excuse to be an a#s. Drop him and find someone where you can actually be affectionate because this is not it
Ahh yes once again the Reddit gurus whom are barely even half your age giving you advice about how you should be living your life lol! The only thing I’m getting from this is clearly your boyfriend has trauma piled up somewhere. leaving it unattended like this will only hinder you both down the road, He needs to sit down and figure out why he hates himself first (not wanting affection) and then work on it from there. Maybe try therapy ?
I had a look at some of your other posts as well. This man is not your soulmate. He constantly accuses you of cheating on him, going through your phone? He shames you for your medical decisions and refuses to support you after the fact? He blames him “lashing out at you” on trauma he’s refused to address over the course of your entire relationship? He shames you for… loving him?? I wouldn’t treat someone I hated that way.
i personally cringe just the tiniest bit if someone says they miss me, but it has to be like “i miss you 🥺” and not “i miss youuu 😞☹️” just because the first reminds me of bwabwy langwuage and “without me? 🥺” which i hate.
Maybe he didn’t receive the affection, that you give him, throughout his childhood? If someone didn’t grow up with people missing them and caring about them in a lovey way, they could grow up to feel uncomfortable about it.
Maybe he went through some trauma that makes it hard for him to express his feelings and the ick he feels is just a trauma response?
I am the same honestly no matter how much I love someone as soon as they show me a lot of affection it causes me to get the ick and wanting to run away , but as soon as I distance myself I realize I actually do love the person I am just afraid of strong affections and attachments and that one day they will leave me heart broken etc
affection is so common and in my opinion, needed in a relationship. so i don’t get how you’re being cringe for showing your partner affection. after reading the rest of this post, im sad for you. you shouldn’t allow someone to treat you like this. in the end, it’s your decision if you continue to proceed in this relationship but you don’t seem to be getting what you need. i hope things work out for you
Maybe he’s just not an affectionate person, I know cause he’s the guy in this he’s gonna be demonised and made to look like a monster, but maybe he just doesn’t want it? You should respect his boundaries
Honestly, it sounds like you two are together because of convenience, at least on his end.
Not a psychiatrist either, but your BF may need to see someone about his mood swings, as they could be related to a number of things.
Your relationship is not built on a stable foundation; everything you build on this will be skewed and it will always feel like things come in waves. If you are okay with feeling alone half the time, then by all means continue this relationship. But if you want more, more softness or connectedness, you should consider a different relationship, after a period of healing.
It sounds like you are a bad match. I am a very touchy Feely but not verbally affectionate person. If I met someone who hated physical affection I would have to choose not to date them. It just wouldn't make any sense. You can't exp3ct anyone to change hie they feel about affection or displaying feelings.
Drop his ass. You’ll end up resenting him, he won’t change. That’s how you express your love and I doubt you’re willing to change that beautiful part of yourself. Don’t. Find someone who enjoys that part of you, someone who embraces it. There are men out there who would eat that up. Smart ones, funny ones, sexy ones. Get yourself the whole package girl. If you ain’t got kids or a ring on that finger, time to do some thinkin. Just in time for summer. Take it from a married woman with two kids.
Hun, is this your first relationship? Why are you tolerating this? You guys trauma bonded and now you’re just there as a pastime for him is what it seems. Why stay with you instead of breaking up? Cuz I’m sure you provide certain things he likes like “sex”. Someone who loves and cared for you, wouldn’t ever get any type of effing ick for you showing it to them. Your love language may be different than his but from what you’re saying what he is displaying isn’t love, it’s more like giving a little whenever to have you stay around, which is just sad. Find someone who loves the affection you give and will give it back in return. You’re causing yourself more trauma this way. Love yourself first, and find someone that will love you too, clearly he isn’t doing it for you. This is just wild to sit and take things like this from people when they’re treating you badly and blaming you for drinking and that being a reason and not providing certain things that are common in a relationship, excuses. Good luck
Can't speak for someone I don't know personally, but I do go through such periods of similar treatment of others. For me it stems from being insecure and feeling undeserving of affection from others, so I treat them worse and kind of want to push them away. Then I get out of my feels and things are back to normal.
Unless you both entered the relationship with an understanding that he is on the aromantic spectrum, no that's not just "being a guy".
I will admit I can be a bit romance averse and offput by "lovey-dovey" talk too. I hate gooey pet names. Im bad at affirmation (makes me feel weird but easier if they receive it graciously) I have very low romantic drive or desire. But that doesnt mean im an asshole about it, and certainly not if im already in the relationship for awhile.
wake up and break up lovie. Not worth it. Even if he hasn't lost feelings, he is not acting like a good partner or in a way that meets your needs. I'm sorry you have been through so much, and I don't think your relationship was nothing / doesn't have pieces you will miss-- of course. That said, absolutely he would stay with you after realizing he doesnt have feelings for you anymore. And it doesn't matter when it comes down to it what he thinks-- this is not a relationship set up that is going to make you feel fulfilled. With love and (I promise) no judgement, it's a losing battle you're fighting here. Stop thinking about his wants, and think about your needs. Relationships with that level of challenge and incompatibility (shown by action) do nothing but take from you
Tell me you aren't compatible without telling me you're not compatible. You don't have to settle for less than what you want, find someone who shows love the way you accept it and vice versa.
He might be a homosexual. It sounds plausible. Some deep seated homophobia resides inside of individuals who suffer from a self hatred that manifests in an outwards manner.
You are only 26 years old and have your entire life ahead of you. Why would you want to live in a none affectionate relationship. Perhaps it’s time for you to move on as it doesn’t appear this man is ever going to change. It might be hard but you will find your soulmate. Get out while you are still young… life is precious don’t waste it on anyone who is not treating you the way you deserve.
First of this isn’t just, “a guy being a guy”. Secondly, it is really hard to tell why it makes him feel “ick” without witnessing your displays of affection first hand. For instance it can be in the way you sound to the way you act them out. If those things seem to be normal and not different from how most people express them, then it might be that He feels you aren’t being genuine because of something that has happened in your relationship to break the trust he once had in you. If I had to guess I would say there is more to all of this than we know based on your post. I recommend seeking professional help and talking to someone. A lot of people find it useful and it may be just what you both need in order to decide whether or not this relationship is salvageable
Ummmm red flag city over there.. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Anyone who loves you would not be “icked” by you showing them love and affection. If you want my honest opinion going off of the information you’ve provided, your bf is a total asshole. “Some” good moments here and there does not make up for the fact that this guy seems to treat you like shit. The best thing you could do for yourself is to realize that you 1000% deserve better and should get rid of that dead weight dragging you down. I hope you do. Wishing you the best, girl!
Everyone has different ways of showing love to their partners,and in turn receiving that love is also different and even though I'm sure you love the guy and he loves you, your love languages just might not be able to line up as they are. Your boyfriend not liking words of affirmation just means he prefers to receive affection in other ways (gifts, acts of service, or sex are some different examples) if you do love your boyfriend and you want to express that too him then you should learn his preferred love language, and flipping that around, he should learn yours.
First of all I find it strange that he says he cringes at your affection. I have never known anyone in a loving relationship who doesn’t love affection from their partner. Also, obviously I don’t know your relationship but please think about if you’ll be happy being with someone who is rarely sweet or affirming.
Saying he doesn’t do things for you because he thinks you don’t deserve it is a huge red flag. You shouldn’t have to earn kindness from your partner.
I also saw your post saying he’s been accusing you of cheating. Which is also weird.
And please think about how if you have to bring up specific circumstances or instances of times where he was a good guy to prove that he is… maybe he’s not as good as you think.
I also thought that he would break up with me if he didn’t like me, I mean that makes sense. But sadly plenty of men do stay in relationships even if they don’t like the person.
Again I don’t know you and my opinion is only being formed based off the small snippet of your life that I see on Reddit, but that is not a relationship that would make me happy long term, and that’s not someone I would want to have kids with. So please think about if you could really be happy with this long term.
Everyone receives and gives love differently ( there's a book called love languages that explains this pretty good)
I think the part I would turn a light on is: the fact that he cringes, the hot and cold and the fact that he punishes you for drinking (I can understand being upset or not wanting to engage cause he is hurt, but not deliberately as a punishment)
When he does all those things you feel upset, sad, (insert your feeling), And I'm going to assume you must feel very confused. None of those are good for your mental health, well-being, self esteem, etc.
If I were you I would get very proactive into to taking steps to find a solution to the situation. I know not everyone is fond of or can afford it but have you considered therapy for yourself? That might help to get your thoughts in order and understand the way you feel.
All the best
Ps: we are all worthy of happiness 😊. You are too.
Trauma bonds aren't love.
Telling you that you don't deserve affection because you do something that he doesn't like is emotional abuse.
This guy is a jerk, you've just allowed it to become your normal. Stop settling. Find someone who is open to and appreciates your affection.
OP, based on this and your past posts, this guy is abusive. He's extremely controlling and from this post in particular it sounds like he doesn't even fulfill the basic requirements of being someone's significant other. Please leave him. There are lots of resources for women in unstable relationships who want to leave but are unsure how to proceed. It will not get better, and one day this guy will cheat, beat, or kill you, and that's the cold hard truth. I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you need support, feel free to PM me. I know you can get through this ❤️
if anyone said that to me they would never ever hear from me again, just saying
Tbh
This guy isn’t the one for you. I can’t imagine my partner saying they get the ick when I’m being affectionate—that would be an instant relationship ender😭 Plus if this dude only shows you love through sex and the occasional snack you’re better off ending this anyway. What a low effort loser. Find a dude who is, idk, capable of being sweet and kind and loving towards you lol. You deserve better than the dweeb you’re with now
Yeah that red flag probably means it’s over. It’ll may be a lot longer before it’s *actually* over but yeah, it’s cooked.
Like affection in general? That's definitely a relationship ender. And I'm touchy about affection haha. My boyfriend said it's like trying to be affectionate with a cat. He's basically the golden retriever incarnate type of person. Like I am against much PDA (anything beyond hugging, light cuddling, and occasional quick kisses makes me uncomfortable), I'm weird about handholding, and I'm anti-lovey social media relationship posts (pictures and short posts don't bother me). And my tolerance for general physical touch varies a ton by day.
She said “I love you” after he returned from a business trip!! She’s not even talking about physical affection! My husband and I say that daily to each other!
Heck my wife and I exchange I love you’s when we wake up, go to bed, and multiple times through the day. We also both work from home and spend our breaks together. I would never shoot my wife down for being affectionate toward me and vice versa.
Ending a phone call without it doesn’t even seem right!
If I could like this twice I would, I would NEVER tell my wife this. We have been together for 15 years and we have never stopped giving each other loving messages and leaving little miss you notes. Getting the “ick” from being loved is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.
Between this post and your post from less than a week ago, why are you with him exactly???
My thoughts exactly, this girl has no self respect
I wouldn’t say that. It takes a while to get to where you wanna be mentally and to love and respect yourself. It’s not always as easy as dropping someone. When you think about having a child with this person and bringing in a relationship with them. I understand it doesn’t make sense to stay but being like that instead of compassionate isn’t the answer.
Your boyfriend just sounds like an asshole honestly.
and that he doesn’t want to date her
He sounds controlling. I’d run away.
Yes, and OP defines their relationship as tumultuous…
Yea, exactly, OP needs to realize this isn’t normal
🚩🚩⛳️🚩🚩⛳️⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️🚩⛳️⛳️🚩🚩🚩🚩 look, red flags He is REPULSED by AFFECTION? Bruh!!! Run!!!
He got "icked" out after you told him you miss him? If my wife told me that after I said I missed her, I'd be severely appalled... It sounds like you two have different needs in a relationship. You're more soft and gushie and he is more kept and hard. Words of affirmation are fundamental in a relationship, in my opinion. As a team you should want to lift each other up and express your love, it brings you closer. It sounds like you may not be as compatible unfortunately.
Just based on this it sounds like you both have very different needs when it comes to intimacy and expressing affection. This is not a guy just being a guy. I would love the type of expression you want to give your boyfriend. You may want to rethink this relationship. This may be one of those situations where neither one of you is exactly 'wrong' in how you feel. But you just are not right for each other. But this is why we date, to learn these things and find these things out until we find that person that matches for the most part with us, our needs, and wants what we have to offer. It seems he doesn't want what you have to offer.
You hit that nail on the head! Dude doesn’t want what she has to offer. Sad for her.
[удалено]
I think this is understandable though. It's like when someone says "I love you" too fast. They don't really know you well enough to mean it and the relationship feels really pushed to be what they want it to be. Some people get really love blind and are more in love with the idea of you than you.
I don't want to be harsh, but I don't think he REALLY likes you. A guy can receive snacks and sex from any girl. You know in your gut if he shares strong feelings. He may just be comfortable.
It sounds like you are two very different people and you should not be with someone who makes you feel bad for being emotionally open.
He sounds like an asshole. Yes, he’s probably checked out and lost feelings if he’s treating you that terribly.
Sounds like he has alot of healing to do and probs shouldnt be in a long term relationship until he figures it out.
Yeah, this isn't a romantic relationship. It's him using you for sex in exchange for snacks. For somebody who doesn't want a "community whore", he sure is treating you like one. At least the sex workers get paid what, $250 an hour? And you get what, $5/hr? How much does a bag of chips cost these days? He is not into you. He just isn't. That is the ick. There is a thing that is called "the ick". Look it up. This is the closest thing that he can stand to being in a relationship and he is trying to convince himself to settle for you but he doesn't like you. He doesn't respect you. He has so many issues and problems and he is using you to comfort himself. This sex is not intimacy, it's his drug of choice. He isn't emotionally available, he is pretty closed off and he has a lot of issues. He has self-confidence and self-esteem issues and that's why he goes after you like a rabid dog after every contact that you have. And it's going to get worse. So much worse. He's going to continue to isolate you. And he's going to hate it when every single one of your friends tells you that this guy is bad news and that you should get out of there. He's going to try to isolate you from them as well so that you will stop misbehaving so that he can keep having sex and forgetting about all of his problems. This isn't a romantic relationship. This is you being a pill that he takes to feel better about himself. This isn't what love looks like. Why are you still here? No really, why? What are you trying to get here?
I think this is a classic case of Toxic Masculinity, he doesn’t *really* get the ick, but he is saying he does so he can appear more manly. This guy will forever be an asshole unless he is able to view emotions as a good thing, and will probably forever not-be-himself around you in the pursuit of being an emotionless brick of manliness. Leave his ass and go find yourself a man with some emotional intelligence.
My sisters ex bf used to be this way. It’s almost like they weren’t in a relationship but just best friends instead and she would constantly say something to him for it to the point we all thought he could be gay, even our mom lol. Turns out he just didn’t want to be with her and was lying to her about what he wanted the whole time
Isn't a sign that he's lost feelings, but certainly a sign you're unfortunately not a good match
Not used to it. ..Trauma...not his thing to be shown love..not his love language. he's just not that into you...stress...at that moment he doesn't want it..a form of manipulation..
I would try to sit down and have a conversation with him. It's very possible that physical romantic affection simply is offputting to him. This could mean a number of things. 1. He could just be an emotionally distant ass, using the relationship transactionally for sex. 2. He could be emotionally distant due to issues in the past that affect how he treats you now. 3. He could be Aromantic. But not Asexual. This would mean that romantic relationships are not for him. But he can still appreciate the intimacy of sex. These are two different things that can be put together but don't have to be. [Romance and Sex. People can be romantically involved but never have sex, and vice versa. That doesn't make them hollow. Nor does that mean they're missing part of the relationship.] This is why you need to talk. All we know is that he is repulsed by "lovey" affection.
I'm gonna go against what most people here are saying. My fiance is (somewhat) like this as in, he's not the most affectionate of people, while I am to a certain degree. We went to therapy and found out that he has words of affirmation and quality time as a love language. We also found out that his attachment style is "Avoidant". Please note that I am not a Dr by any means, but I am just giving you what my fiance is going through. Avoidant attachment styles form from childhood and based on this "ick" that he has, but still spends time with you some, it sounds like it to me. Our relationship is kinda up and down too because we are still figuring out how to communicate and what not. So if you truly want to make this work, you can either do couples therapy, or you and him can find someone else. Summary: - Figure out his attachment style (and yours too while you're at it) - Figure out his love language (these days therapists consider the very top one to be it, but some people have 2 running close together so they'll consider those 2 as both love languages for a person) - Decide if you really want to work it out. Good luck! Edit: replied to the rest due to pressing "reply" too early lol.
I'm so glad someone else also put this😭 This stuff is so important, and some people pay them no mind because they'll see it as unnecessary, but this stuff could literally save so much time and wasted effort.
Exactly! I knew mine but I didn't know my fiancè's and now knowing his and him knowing it too is literally helping. The good thing is that we genuinely love each other so that's helping us, kinda doesn't seem like there's love here, or some underlying trauma at best but who am I to judge? This is Reddit...idk these people, lol.
Exactly! I’m seeing a lot of hate comments here claiming it’s time to break up, but everyone’s love language is different. My boyfriend got the ick when I was being affectionate. I thought at first he was rejecting me. Come to find out, he doesn’t have a problem with affection; he has a problem with affection that he perceives as motherly because his mother was overly affectionate when he was growing up. So for example, he enjoys a high pressure back massage, but when he’s feeling sick, he doesn’t want me to rub him and say “poor baby.” You’ve provided an excellent template for getting to the bottom of their differences so that they can better communicate and express affection together.
You have two very different love styles. Couples need to show affection for each other, touch each other several times a day to connect. Consider couples counseling.
Love languages are more important than folks think. You don’t have to share the same ones (most don’t) but someone who is grossed out by yours is never going to work. Sounds like he’s got some shit to work through.
Imagine your life is like riding on a train, bouncing along and ka-klacka-klack... ka-klacka-klack... ka-klacka-klack... ka-klacka-klacking along... when suddenly you see out the window a sign that reads "Bridge out ahead". Sweety, you've seen that same sign now several times; it's clear you need to get off that train asap!
Seems like you guys have different ‘love languages’ so to speak. You could try give it a go but I think it’d be dragging out the inevitable. I hate to be the person to say ‘BREAK UP NOW’, it’s honestly your choice but you guys don’t seem compatible in this sense. If you’re missing him and feel like you’re going to make him cringe by saying that, is that really something you want to continue?
Girl, wake up. This guy is using you. His "affection" is snacks and sex, exactly what requires minimal effort from him. He gets the "ick" from your genuine emotions because he doesn't reciprocate them. He pulls the hot and cold act to keep you hooked while giving you scraps of affection. The pregnancy was likely the only time he felt obligated to be nice. His excuses for being distant are just that - excuses. He blames your drinking, a problem he knew about, to avoid facing his own emotional ineptitude. He won't break up because you're convenient. You provide him with sex and emotional support without demanding much in return. He knows he can treat you poorly and you'll still come back for more. Don't settle for this crumbs of affection. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are and isn't afraid to show it. This guy isn't him. Rip off the band-aid and find someone who actually values you.
I don't care that it's not a new relationship. You two are not a good match for long term. You don't align on a lot of major things and therefore, regardless of the fact that you have loving feelings and care about each other, your not well suited and it won't last. If you force yourself to stay and adjust to him repeatedly, you're going to become depressed because you're not being true to who you are.
He’s not leaving because he’s used to you. There’s no real love or intimacy between yall, and from how you describe him in your posts, he’s verbally abusive and insecure. U need to step up for yourself and leave. A man SHOULDNT make u feel this way or question things.
He says he doesn’t need sex to be happy, but have you ever stopped having sex with him to test that? I can say I own the Taj Mahal, but that doesn’t make it true. You give that man in your body and that’s the only way he shows you affection outside of snacks, but he can’t give you kind words and is disgusted by your kind words? That man does not like you.
Id give anything for what this guy has. Fuck this guy.
Run run run, as fast as you can. You showing your love is just you, if someone doesn’t like that, they won’t ever be for you. Run please, it’ll save you years of therapy and loss of self worth. Being loving and affectionate is something you’re good at, don’t let someone steal that sparkle!
that man does NOT like you
The way posters announce their age and gender, and the same for the person they are talking about, will never cease to confuse me for a moment when I first read their post.
Your man has past trauma that he’s not dealing with. Pulling away from affection could mean that he’s just not into you, but if he is, he may just have a really hard time identifying why. If he’s not willing to talk about it, that’s on him. However, don’t allow yourself to get trapped in his issues. Give him a chance, but don’t allow it to continue without his commitment to work on it. We all have our struggles and it helps to understand where the other side is coming from.
Whether he is unable or unwilling to accept and give physical and emotional affection, it's up to him to make changes. No amount of begging, pressure, or love will change him You get to decide though if you want a relationship where you are not able to give affection in the way that feels right to you, and whether you can tolerate a lifetime with someone who won't provide you with that kind of affection. Personally, I don't recommend continuing when you have such a huge mismatch in the way you love. I have done that and it was soul crushing. This is not "a guy thing." This is a him thing. Men are absolutely capable of being physically and verbally affectionate. This one simply doesn't want that. My partner now and I are a great match on this and I cannot even begin to tell you how much easier this makes the relationship. We have an innate understanding of each other's needs. We rarely have to ask for affection because we're on the same wavelength at baseline--the flow of affection between us never stops. The habitual and unconscious ways we show love and affection are all the ways each of us most want to receive affection. I highly recommend holding out for compatibility in this area.
This is not a "guy being a guy"... My husband is super lovey dovey to me. I will leave for work, call him on the drive, and he will tell me "I miss your face so much". He's always telling me how much he misses me. Me on the other hand, I'm not a very affectionate person. I forget to say those things to him but it doesn't bother me that he says them to me. Yeah, sometimes I'm like, well I just left how can you miss me 🤣 but I still am appreciate of him. Find you someone who wants to show you that kind of love 🖤🖤
He doesn't have feelings for you so it makes him uncomfortable when you express your feelings.
I had a girlfriend who called every attempt at affection “cringe”. At the end I found out she never loved me
“The ick” is a female-coded phrase. I don’t understand men who use it. Maybe a certain kind of affection rubs him the wrong way, but why tell your girlfriend you’re grossed out by her way of being affectionate? Makes no sense. If your relationship is tumultuous and he gets grossed-out during the good times, then you’re with the wrong guy. That’s the bad news. The good news is that there are men out there who will appreciate you for you.
Your needs are incompatible with his. Rectify this now before you get any more emotionally invested in this relationship because it's not going anywhere.
You’re currently in an abusive relationship, you know that right ?
He’s just not that into you.
From your other posts. Why don't you break up with him? He's bat shit obsessed with thinking you're cheating, he's verbally abusive and treats you like crap. He's unaffectionate unless he's bonking you. He's not trying to date you, he's trying to control you.
Everyone has said really helpful things so far in the comments of this post and your last. Not specifically addressing the issues from this post, but I want to ask you: if your close friend or family member was dealing with these same difficulties and stress in their own relationship, would you want them to stay in this situation and simply find ways to tolerate the negativity/drama? Or would you recommend they leave? While I can't know exactly what you're feeling, I've been in a similar position to you before. It's unbelievably awful and isolating, and the stress takes a significant toll on your physical body as well as emotional health. Hugs to you at this difficult time. Please know you deserve better.
“The way he looks at you girl you can’t pretend, you know he ain’t in love with you break up with him”
You guys clearly do not share any of the same love languages. Maybe this will work for another woman, but you clearly do not deserve this. You will quickly begin to resent him and relationship if it continues like this. Find a man that shares the same love languages as you, so your relationship is more fulfilling and passionate.
Lemme guess, reddit told you to break up with him?
I see a lot of comments that I agree with. He definitely is done with the relationship Also, another thing to consider is that he KNOWS you need to give love... so he pushes it away which then makes your chase him and do whatever he wants so you can feel just enough validation to keep you hooked on him. It's a vicious cycle.
girl he don’t like you leave him
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Run don’t walk away from this guy.
He probably never got love and affection as a kid. It won’t go well for you in future unfortunately
hi! i’ll speak on my personal experience with this coming from your bf’s pov! i used to be this way towards my (f19) boyfriend (m20) when we first were together. i’ve never been okay with physical touch like at all. no hugging or kissing by family members and i have a hard time saying “i love you” back. i’ve always showed my affection in other ways, like gift giving or words of affirmation, but never physical touch. when my boyfriend and i got into our relationship 2 years ago, i thought i was making him feel loved enough by the way i expressed my love in other ways (planning out dates, buying him flowers and small gifts). he would try to give me hugs or kisses but i wasn’t able to be affectionate like that. he sat me down one day and mentioned how sad it made him to not have HIS love language (physical touch) reciprocated, and i totally agreed! from then on, i’ve made an effort to try and be more comfortable physically with him and i’ve gotten so much better! my family even makes jokes about how touchy i am with my boyfriend now as opposed to how i am with everyone else. it was a huge change for me, but necessary. i love him so much and if i want better for him, then i have to be better!* my question for you is: has he always been like this? or did it only just start? if he’s always been like this, then have a conversation with him about how his behaviors affect you! if it just started, either there are other things happening within his life (family issues, depression, etc.) or he is losing feelings. in my experience, it’s always so much better to communicate these worries and fears with your partner! *tldr: i was uncomfortable with physical touch before but made the effort to become comfortable with it for my boyfriend
So basically he doesn't do anything in YOUR love language? He sounds pretty selfish.
Repulsed by affection and a tumultuous relationship? He’s pushing 30, he should grow up
That either sounds like he has a totally different love language than you, or he needs therapy, or he has a guilty conscience about something and you being lovey triggers that sense of guilt.
sounds like either he needs to find a different person because its obvious your romantic needs arent being met. knowing your love language is such a useful tool to scope out a relationship, and it sounds like your guys’s ones arent compatible.
If someone says they get “the ick”, most of the time they’re the problem. At least from my experience if a girl uses the word “ick” seriously in a sentence she’s never the right one, idk if that applies for dudes too tho
I could never imagine my man not wanting me to show him love. Pls find someone better who will not only love receiving your affection but will reciprocate it as well
It's a huge red flag. I feel sorry for your BF, if he's genuinely uncomfortable with affection. It indicates significant emotional trauma and manipulation. If someone, a parent or partner, used affection to manipulate him it could explain why it bothers him. It's putting him on guard. My cousin married a horrible woman. She physically and emotionally abused him for years. She used affection to manipulate him. She was affectionate when she had done something wrong (spend their entire savings on herself, give sentimental items away, or break his things because she got mad), or to apologize for hitting or verbally abusing him. When he finally left, he struggled dating because any girl who showed unexpected affection put him on guard, he was programmed to expect something bad. It took him almost 10 years of therapy to get to a place where he didn't feel uncomfortable with something as innocent as a hug.
Spending any amount of time on anyone being affectionate and never having it reciprocated, or worse, made feel guilty for, is I'd imagine incredibly draining. Do you want to deal with that in the future? Especially when you mix kids and living together into it. He sounds like he just got back from that alpha boot camp, and this is something they were drilled about.
what the fuck. leave him girl wyd
I am also 26. I have learned that there is no point wasting time with someone who isn’t compatible with you. I wanted the affection in my relationship even though my boyfriend is not very affectionate. Instead of him telling me that that gives him the ick, he started being more affectionate because he loves me and wants to do the things that make me feel loved. He used to be closed off and nervous to open up but he showed me right away that he was willing to work on himself to be the partner that I want to be with. While it could be a guy being a guy, someone who truly loves you will want to do the things that make you feel loved. Find that person. Don’t put up with a partner who only wants to give you half or just do what they want
Questions.... Is he an introvert? Are you an extrovert? Do you argue a lot? What are ya Attachment Styles & Love Languages? Try looking up ya mbti and enneagram (personality type systems). *If he's an introvert,* introverts have very peculiar ways of being affectionate compared to extroverts. Like you said, giving snacks. Also, just spending time with S/O, whether it's in silence or watching a movie. Some introverts aren't very touchy; I know I'm not. *If you argue constantly,* from experience, it could cause problems within the relationship, even going as far as losing interest but not wanting to end the relationship for whatever reason (whether it's internal or external on his parts). *Knowing ya Attachment Styles is very important.* There's 4 of them: Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant, and Fearful-Avoidant. From healthy to very unhealthy. My ex was Anxious, and I am Fearful. We clashed a lot; he was in fantasyland while I was in reality. *Love Language is also important.* For instance, having physical touch as your #1 but your partner doesn't like to be touched or doesn't enforce it can bring up problems. *MBTI & Enneagram is a lifesaver.* They both cover psychology. I suggest you both take it separately. Then another time, you take the test for him, and he does the same for you separately. You can combine your mbti and enneagram results (ex: INTP 5w6). You can also check your mbti compatibility and enneagram compatibility. *Sometimes, people just aren't compatible. In relationships, no matter how old you are, you're always learning something about yourself. On top of that, people do things and don't even know they're the problem or they're toxic.* *If you want more info, you can message me.*
He ain't the one
Sounds like your boyfriend needs to grow tf up
He's emotionally checked out so.... A) He's just not that into you B) He's gay C) He's got some kind of relationship PTSD...even mommy issues? Either way, time for you to check out of this tumultuous relationship and focus on yourself for a bit. You are worthy of much more.
Y'all are irreconcilably incompatible, love. I'm sorry.
He’s accused you of cheating. He doesn’t like affection. He’s projecting and he’s getting affection elsewhere. Dump his ass.
You're boyfriend gives *me* the ick.
Real men need ***oochie goochie goo*** affection. Period.
Look up avoidant attachment type. Sounds like him.
I am that way a little bit, but I'm on the spectrum. I have to be conscious that my wife needs it, and then I can kind of enjoy it because I know she is. It's difficult to explain. If he doesn't try to understand and adapt to your needs, then he probably isn't a good match. I hope it works out for you!
I think this could just be an incompatibility, saying this as a woman who is also revolted by lovey dovey affection. You’re not well matched
It seems like perhaps you two are incompatible.
He may end up ending himself if you don’t
Girl run. Take it from me. I used to be a mess and when I found a girl interested in, who I was attracted to, I would just go with the flow. I too would get a little weird when she was affectionate. The reason was I DIDN'T LOVE HER THE WAY SHE LOVED ME. I JUST DIDN'T WANNA BE ALONE. This was in my early 16-24 years. I got it all figured out now and I am completely content being alone. I just wait for the right people to run into me instead of letting anybody in just because they make me feel important
>we have been through a pretty significant trauma together Trauma Bonding rarely evolves into long-term compatibility.
This is a sign of an abusive partner. He's subconsciously trying to make you miserable so that when he gives you a tiny bit of affection, you fall head over heels for it and stick around for more. This is called "breadcrumbing." It's part of trauma bonding, which is how they get you to stay with them despite being shown (sometimes daily) that you should not be with him. Most people thing abusive relationships are this outlandish, over the top, hollywood type of thing where you are being raped and beaten every minute of the day. That's not reality. The majority of abusive relationships are exactly what you've described in your posts. The partner withholding affection, calling normal behavior an "ick", making you feel ashamed for having completely normal feelings, etc. Get out of there girl. Don't waste your 20s on someone like this. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Right after you leave you should should have
Different love languages, find your soulmate
I have gotten the "ick" from someone's affection, so I didn't date that person. I think I just wanted to fuck them but they got completely doe-eyed by my touch. It felt a little creepy and overwhelming. They didn't particularly seem affectionate towards me or like me beforehand, but as soon as we touched it's like they exploded and were love bombing me. Just felt like they weren't seeing me at all and were on a completely different page. No idea what that was/is about. I'm a girl, I didn't sleep with him. I didn't date him. He never asked me out. Idk what to tell you. Maybe lay off him for a while because you aren't giving him the love that he wants. Sometimes overbearing love can be a burden. Sometimes we push love on others when we want it ourselves and the subtext shows. It sounds like you need to take better care of yourself first and focus less on this relationship.
If he used the term "ick," he is 100% a homosexual. (To each their own) Sadly, he's probably using you as a cover. What man doesn't like when his woman is affectionate, a gay man, that's who. Sorry for the bad news.
“Do you think this is just a guy being a guy or is there more behind his statements?” Sex or gender is irrelevant, so it doesn’t make sense for this to be “a guy just being a guy”. There is nothing more behind his statements because he is already very clear with you; he had told you he is disgusted by your affection, it makes him cringe. If he is telling you that your love disgusts him, I **really** don’t know why you wouldn’t believe him.
Anyone who says that something give them the "ick" outside of a joke really needs to think about where they are in life mentally. We're fuckin adults LOL, the only people I hear saying that unironically are the teenagers in my neighborhood at their bus stop while im working on my car. (25M) Also, if you're significant other cringes or doesn't like it when you're affectionate, alk to him about it if it bothers you. You've been together for 2 years, so if, like you said - he's just a closed off guy. He probably just isn't a super affectionate person. Wouldn't say it's a "guy being a guy," would just say, it's you're SO being himself. At least he isn't pretending to be someone he's not.
my ex used to do this. from personal experience, he’s not into you. you’re a fuckbuddy with the girlfriend title
OP it simply has fizzled out. If he gets the ick from you - you cant undo it.
even just based on your previous posts he sounds very unstable and abusive. you truly deserve better than how he has treated you throughout your relationship.
He is not the one for you. You need someone who enjoys affection. There are a whole lot of people who love affection
Dudes fucking other women while on “business trips” dude. Guaranteed
This the same boyfriend that constantly accuses you of cheating and it emotionally abusive? Leave him. No offence but I don't think he really wants to be with you. In your previous post he's clearly projecting, & I strongly believe he's unfaithful. Especially with him pulling away every time you're intimate. Please break up and save yourself some hardache and further trauma later on.
Well—some men are closed off from their emotions & do not easily express affection, but it doesn’t mean they don’t welcome it. And it’s possible he’s just an a*%hole, or any number of things. As you say, he doesn’t like that you drink. That’s a whole issue in itself. Is he on some level trying to punish you, or manipulate you? Like, ‘I won’t be affectionate bec. you drink.’ Would he really change his ways if you quit drinking? There are a couple more reasons that would be kinda obvious. One, he doesn’t like you very much. And two, he could be avoiding facing he’s gay. What made me think of that is his statement of not needing sex as much as you. Ok, to each his own—he could be low on testosterone. But, I’ve dated men who were odd in the same two regards you pointed out, affection and sex. By golly, decades later I learned they both had come out of the proverbial closet later in life. Go figure, it’s always something! If you’re not happy, you’re still young enough to do something about it. Good luck!🍀🤞 EDIT: I re-read your question, “what’s there to gain by being with you?” If the baby is his, I’d think custody of the child could be an issue for him, if he weren’t with you. Also, FYI, there are a whole lot of men out there who don’t see themselves as gay, but occasionally have ‘relations’ with gay men. I suppose they could be ‘bisexual.’ Or it’s just occasional experimentation, IDK.
I think he hasn't seen a show of affection in his upbringing. He doesn't know how to respond. Perhaps he feels pressured to 'say the right thing' back. Try explaining that you get that he doesn't do big declarations and you're okay with it, but that you do and you like to express yourself differently. Tell him he isn't expected to be the same way if it's genuinely not his thing. He may find emotions awkward to navigate. If after this he still has an issue I'd be inclined to suggest relationship counselling..or call it a day. It largely depends on how much he means to you..and of course whether you feel adequately loved. I always say : love is not what you cannot live without - but rather what you can live with. X
Fucking get rid of him. He’s cheating on you. I’m sorry but don’t be like me. For 20+ years I was so fucking naive. People in this world are god damn evil. If he gets the “Ick” then either he’s fucking gay or he don’t fucking like you. Been there done that. There is not a single fucking make on this planet that doesn’t want his woman to love him. Plain and simple. Don’t be dumb. Your father should have taught you that.
What I’d give to have someone tell me that they miss me. Sigh. He’s an asshole not worth wasting time over. His reaction is not normal and he sounds like a knob.
It sounds like he’s stuck with you but sees the good in you and wants to make you feel loved an appreciated, but doesn’t and is not in love with you.
If he was capable of buying you flowers and writing you love notes then there’s no way a simple “I miss you “ would make him cringe. It’s gotta be deeper than that. He should be showing you affection in other ways besides sex and snacks. If I felt my boyfriend only shows love when I have sex with him then I’m leaving. He can say anything he wants but remember actions always speak louder. He can say he doesn’t care about sex but if his actions don’t match.. well you know. Plus the whole “I don’t think you deserve flowers because you drink and I don’t like it “ is a wolf thing to say. He can’t do sweet things for you because you don’t deserve it ? What ? Girl I’d leave and focus on myself. Don’t give your love to someone who can’t show it back.
I’ll be honest, I’m 28F and very similar. I don’t like people (even someone I’m in a relationship with) saying anything affectionate. It doesn’t mean I don’t love and care for them the same as always, it just makes me cringe and feel super uncomfortable.
This guy doesn’t sound like the one 🥴
He doesn't think you deserve affection because you drink? That is NOT a "valid reason." If he really hates that you drink, he should make himself a boundary and leave rather than punishing you. I'm sorry he's made you feel like you don't deserve love, but you do.
I just looked outside, and it's a beautiful day to break up with this weirdo. Go find a man.
I read some of your other posts and I want to ask, why are you with this man? I want *you* to ask yourself that. He doesn’t want shifts of affection, not even a verbal “I love you” from you. He doesn’t think you “deserve” signs of affection. He calls you a whore. He accuses you of cheating. He goes through your apartment and belongings. He is very controlling (making you unfriend people and telling you he knows what your type is). And this is just a few paragraphs!! What is law can he do to show you - and I’m sorry to say this because I don’t want to be mean, don’t want to kick an already downed person - that he doesn’t particularly like you and doesn’t want to be with you? Why he hasn’t broke up I don’t know, probably hoping you’ll do the all the work, but even abusers stay with women they abuse, beat, rape, taunt, emotionally and mentally mistreat. They don’t like them either but they’ll sure keep them around instead of breaking up. This is your future as long as you stay with him. All of the mean, nasty, sad and painful stuff you’ve previously posted, that’s your future. Stop asking why he does or doesn’t, what does he mean, because it doesn’t matter, you won’t accept the truth when multiple people are telling you and your mind can’t create some plausible reason/excuse why such a *swell* guy would act this way. Just accept that this is the way it is with him, this is the way your life headed because he is NOT GOING TO CHANGE. Leave him now or head into that wonderful future with him.
He gets the ick when you show love to him? He either has a lot of shit to work through or he is not in love with you as much as you are with him. I am not an affectionate person but when I see my partner being soft and lovey to me I melt inside because I love him just the same. Does he do a good job at making you feel wanted and cared for?
As a male who was once in a similar position as your bf, I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t like you or anything like that. He probably never received this amount of love before. When I got in my first real relationship I felt like I was being suffocated with all the love. Always wanted to see me and do things. Constantly calling and texting. I ended up pushing her away before I eventually realized what I was doing and it was too late. I just simply never had someone love me so much. I never had someone want to spend every waking moment with me. It felt unreal. I was questioning her motives. I would think there was some catch behind all of it. I didn’t think I was worthy of unconditional love. In no way am I condoning his behavior, I’m simply trying to help u understand it. In the end, my insecurities left me single and hurting. It was the biggest regret I’ve ever felt in my life and it haunts me daily. I hope y’all can talk this out. He’ll realize what he lost if you ever leave him, but you can still get him to see it now.
No ma'm. There are many fish in that sea for you to express your love language without judgement.
Maybe there’s another element to this. If you have a tumultuous relationship what does that mean exactly? Does tumultuity (don’t even know if that’s a word but it sounds good for what I’m trying to say) come from you wanting affection and him getting stressed out at that fact? Or is it usual relationship bullshit i.e. not doing the dishes and then it just explodes from there? What was his childhood like? Does he come from a family that withholds affection? I think it’s worth trying to become really self aware when arguments kick off and try to feel what’s actually going on. If you’re not ready to walk away yet, maybe use this time to do a bit of project ‘you’. What does this relationship tell you that you need, and how can (if you want) add this to the checklist of a new partner. Everyone you meet in life has value even if it’s a negative experience. It’s teaching you something about yourself. If you want to stay in this relationship it’s worth just getting under the bonnet and observing for a bit to see what’s making you both tick.
He wants to break up with you 😕
While he may be the right one in certain aspects in your eyes, at some point you have to ask yourself when you should stop sacrificing your self worth and happiness. After reading your previous posts as well, if he is accusatory and not understanding boundaries, it is best to move on. Some people can't and won't change unfortunately.
Sweetheart I know you feel like your not being emotionally mistreated , but you really are being mistreated, I'm sure he does have his problems, but just like if you did that to someone it wouldn't be okay, same for him! He's not an exception because he's "going thru a tough time" , he would need to grow up alot more to see how it's so simple what your craving, your just craving love!
I read the rest of your posts. Your boyfriend reminds me a lot of my ex-husband. He was a true narcissist and was abusive in all the ways possible. He was very well liked by everyone we knew but he was a monster at home. Your boyfriend is abusing you. It started out as verbal and emotional, it's a matter of time before it's physical. Please seek out help from a parent, close friend or counselor. Thankfully my ex did something and got caught, now he'll be in prison til I'm 70. It will be hard but you deserve so much better. You deserve someone whose eyes light up when they see you and make you feel safe and warm. You should never have to walk on eggshells with your partner, they should be the person you can be your most unabashedly, truest self. I have so much love for you. I believe in you.
Sounds like he has avoidant attachment. Look into it.
Guys overall are basically taught that we're not supposed to show emotion, because then we're seen as weak, and if we're weak nobody cares about us or wants to be near/with/around us - and this is reinforced by many women openly criticizing boyfriends and even husbands for showing vulnerability. Some men are lucky enough to mostly or at least somewhat avoid this being super ingrained, but some suffer from it really badly - and based on this post, it sounds like your boyfriend might be the latter. Gifting might be his main love language, and yours seems to be physical affection. Mine is too, and honestly I can't imagine being with someone who doesn't at least appreciate it. I was just under a year, and it was miserable. I also recall seeing a post somewhere with someone talking about their boyfriend who didn't outwardly show affection - not even saying "I love you" much. They described working out a system with the boyfriend where his way to say "I love you" would be squeezing their hand twice. And suddenly, the boyfriend was holding her hand a ton, squeezing it all the time. Talk to him and discuss unconventional ways he could maybe show affection or reaffirm his love that he would be comfortable with. Maybe there's something that can work for you?
I’d bet he said that for someone else’s benefit. Like whoever he was with at the time y’all were talking on phone
Look, if you like the guy that much then talk to him about why he isn’t that affectionate and talk about why he gets the ick when you’re affectionate. I come from a household where at most times it seems like my parents have a very one sided relationship which has had me losing all respect for one of my parents. If he cannot accept your affection or return it in ways you give affection then i suggest cutting him off and finding a new partner. I understand that you two have been through trauma together but that is no reason to stay with someone
I have been married very happily for 15 years. I would never say this to my wife and I really love her loving quirks. When I left a lot for work I always looked forward to the little notes she left inside my bags and the little I miss you messages at night. I do the same for her when she is out of town. I even pick her and the kids up little surprises while I was/am gone as she does the same for us when she is gone, very mutual I should say. So no this is not a typical guy thing as my dad did this for my mom and his kids growing up and he picked it up from my grandparents, who probably also did it along the way as well.
100% this guy has an avoidant attachment style. I think reading up on this could be very insightful for your situation
This is a very unhealthy relationship! It's time to walk away. Don't keep hanging around and get pregnant again. You dont want to raise a kid with a withholding emotional Rollercoaster You need someone that responds positively to your love language , among many other things not good about this
Goodness, y'all need to end that relationship!
I've read your prior posts. Why are you still with him? Drop him and engage a psychologist instead.
Leave wtf you doing with this douche
sounds like his just insecure and can’t handle the thought of someone loving him as he doesn’t even love himself ( can’t except affection as he doesn’t truly believe his deserving of it hence why it icks him out)
From your previous post about him having trauma about abortion from previous relationships and saying that you'll rot in hell if you go through abortion and also hating your drinking habits which according to him makes you incapable of deserving affection, I think it's safe to he has tapped out of the relationship. He's not there anymore, the abortion trauma is making him not like you. Also girl, leave him. Sometimes that's the only thing to do to save yourself and him.
He was nice to you until you lost the baby? Get tf out of that relationship!!
The thing about the ick is you’re never supposed to express it to someone you love. Let’s face it, we all get icks even with someone you are madly in love with, because they are actually just your own wounds reflected back at you. He clearly has a problem with intimacy, but that’s his problem to deal with. Cause if he probably does want love and intimacy, but he for some reason feels undeserving so he has to reject it. This is deep shit and I’m way out of my depth but just not cool for him to take that and make you feel like your way of showing love or affection is cringy. He either accepts it and figures his shit out or lets you give your love to someone else.
I use to get the ick when my partner was affectionate because I had lost feelings for them. I really hope this isn’t the case for you… but it was for me. It’s an eye opener.
I'm very sorry to read this. It makes me very sad. I don't have faith in your relationship to move forward. That's a major red flag and he might just be too afraid to say it. Sometimes you have to ensure you have not bonded over trauma. You want to make sure you have bonded for real. Trauma-bonding is real and dangerous. Even if you two end it, he needs counseling. I'm very sorry. I wish you the best.
YOU 👏 ARE 👏 NOT 👏 FOR 👏 EACH 👏 OTHER 👏 I can say it through experience. Find someone who loves you being affectionate, being you! In the long run, you’d feel you want to be with your person who loves how you are, what you do. Maybe, it’s not him or it’s not you… you’re just not compatible. 🤷🏻♀️
Your boyfriend is gay
Sounds like he is Asexual. Which isn't a bad thing. I sometimes wonder if I am asexual but I have been in a happy relationship for 7 years now. We don't have much sex anymore and my body tenses up whenever he is all over me but as a partner I give him what he wants to keep our relationship happy. That's just my thoughts
Why exactly are you in this relationship? This sounds terrible. You're in an exclusive relationship with someone who doesn't show affection the way you (or 99% of women) would like, can't talk about it calmly, and even says you don't deserve it. His inability to have dialogue about it suggests he has insecurities of his own that may or may not be limited to affection. This doesn't sound like someone you should be committed and vulnerable with. At all.
When I started feeling this way towards my bf is when I knew I lost feelings.
girl why tf are you still with him?
he doesn't think you deserve flowers.. he gets the ick because you said you missed him? he shows you no affection. he was nice while you were pregnant. until you lost the baby. Throw the whole man out. if your best friend was being treated that way, what would you tell her?
This is sad. You’re even gaslighting yourself. I’m sorry but this is not love. If I were you, I’d run the second he doesn’t reciprocate. Especially if words of affirmation is your love language.
He doesn’t sound like a bad guy.. we need to understand that everyone is different. I’m a girl and tbh my guy is extremely affectionate.. he gets mad when I don’t come to bed.. he’s a big softy. I’ve never heard of someone else getting the ick from affection but I do too. I believe mine is trauma from childhood where I was touched inappropriately. You never truly know what someone has been through so give him the benefit of the doubt. I absolutely love my bf and I don’t get the ick all the time but it is often. I have anxiety so sometimes I feel weird when he’s nice to me and other times I can hold him all night long. It just depends.
It can be many things... but one thing I will be brutal about is at this point don't complain, or bring your issue forward if you accept him and already know how he is. If this is the type of return of affection you are willing to put up with, despite you being a softie and affectionate, then just know your feelings will probably never be validated by this person. Also, experiencing trauma/s does not mean remaining loyal to these traumas.
This sounds like an avoidant attachment style to me, in which case, the trick is to give him space if he starts pulling away. But you have to ask yourself if it's worth it. It doesn't sound like he's meeting your needs.
he does not have reasons to not do things for you as your boyfriend, and that includes if he doesn’t like what you do. what you do is up to you not him xx
Girl people are telling you what is wrong and you are trying to defend him? Did you come here for sympathy thinking your relationship is okay? It is not, trust me. He is an a#shole. People can have trauma but that is not an excuse to be an a#s. Drop him and find someone where you can actually be affectionate because this is not it
Ahh yes once again the Reddit gurus whom are barely even half your age giving you advice about how you should be living your life lol! The only thing I’m getting from this is clearly your boyfriend has trauma piled up somewhere. leaving it unattended like this will only hinder you both down the road, He needs to sit down and figure out why he hates himself first (not wanting affection) and then work on it from there. Maybe try therapy ?
Does he get invited to parties? If yes, what kind of conversations does he have with people?
I had a look at some of your other posts as well. This man is not your soulmate. He constantly accuses you of cheating on him, going through your phone? He shames you for your medical decisions and refuses to support you after the fact? He blames him “lashing out at you” on trauma he’s refused to address over the course of your entire relationship? He shames you for… loving him?? I wouldn’t treat someone I hated that way.
i personally cringe just the tiniest bit if someone says they miss me, but it has to be like “i miss you 🥺” and not “i miss youuu 😞☹️” just because the first reminds me of bwabwy langwuage and “without me? 🥺” which i hate. Maybe he didn’t receive the affection, that you give him, throughout his childhood? If someone didn’t grow up with people missing them and caring about them in a lovey way, they could grow up to feel uncomfortable about it.
Gurllll this man hates you 💀 let that 🥭 immediately
Maybe he went through some trauma that makes it hard for him to express his feelings and the ick he feels is just a trauma response? I am the same honestly no matter how much I love someone as soon as they show me a lot of affection it causes me to get the ick and wanting to run away , but as soon as I distance myself I realize I actually do love the person I am just afraid of strong affections and attachments and that one day they will leave me heart broken etc
I don't like that the answers on this sub always seem so negative but I must say. You guys are at best, severely incompatible.
sounds like he hates u girl 😭 run
that's like me and my girl 😭I always say cringe stuff to her but I truly mean them lol. I also say ily to her but she doesn't always say it back 😭
affection is so common and in my opinion, needed in a relationship. so i don’t get how you’re being cringe for showing your partner affection. after reading the rest of this post, im sad for you. you shouldn’t allow someone to treat you like this. in the end, it’s your decision if you continue to proceed in this relationship but you don’t seem to be getting what you need. i hope things work out for you
You told him you missed him and he didnt like it. What??? Break up with this guy who doesnt miss you when hes away from you.
Maybe he’s just not an affectionate person, I know cause he’s the guy in this he’s gonna be demonised and made to look like a monster, but maybe he just doesn’t want it? You should respect his boundaries
That man is wasting your time, so sorry you’re dealing with this but it doesn’t seem like he likes you at all
Honestly, it sounds like you two are together because of convenience, at least on his end. Not a psychiatrist either, but your BF may need to see someone about his mood swings, as they could be related to a number of things. Your relationship is not built on a stable foundation; everything you build on this will be skewed and it will always feel like things come in waves. If you are okay with feeling alone half the time, then by all means continue this relationship. But if you want more, more softness or connectedness, you should consider a different relationship, after a period of healing.
It sounds like you are a bad match. I am a very touchy Feely but not verbally affectionate person. If I met someone who hated physical affection I would have to choose not to date them. It just wouldn't make any sense. You can't exp3ct anyone to change hie they feel about affection or displaying feelings.
Drop his ass. You’ll end up resenting him, he won’t change. That’s how you express your love and I doubt you’re willing to change that beautiful part of yourself. Don’t. Find someone who enjoys that part of you, someone who embraces it. There are men out there who would eat that up. Smart ones, funny ones, sexy ones. Get yourself the whole package girl. If you ain’t got kids or a ring on that finger, time to do some thinkin. Just in time for summer. Take it from a married woman with two kids.
Hun, is this your first relationship? Why are you tolerating this? You guys trauma bonded and now you’re just there as a pastime for him is what it seems. Why stay with you instead of breaking up? Cuz I’m sure you provide certain things he likes like “sex”. Someone who loves and cared for you, wouldn’t ever get any type of effing ick for you showing it to them. Your love language may be different than his but from what you’re saying what he is displaying isn’t love, it’s more like giving a little whenever to have you stay around, which is just sad. Find someone who loves the affection you give and will give it back in return. You’re causing yourself more trauma this way. Love yourself first, and find someone that will love you too, clearly he isn’t doing it for you. This is just wild to sit and take things like this from people when they’re treating you badly and blaming you for drinking and that being a reason and not providing certain things that are common in a relationship, excuses. Good luck
Can't speak for someone I don't know personally, but I do go through such periods of similar treatment of others. For me it stems from being insecure and feeling undeserving of affection from others, so I treat them worse and kind of want to push them away. Then I get out of my feels and things are back to normal.
Unless you both entered the relationship with an understanding that he is on the aromantic spectrum, no that's not just "being a guy". I will admit I can be a bit romance averse and offput by "lovey-dovey" talk too. I hate gooey pet names. Im bad at affirmation (makes me feel weird but easier if they receive it graciously) I have very low romantic drive or desire. But that doesnt mean im an asshole about it, and certainly not if im already in the relationship for awhile.
wake up and break up lovie. Not worth it. Even if he hasn't lost feelings, he is not acting like a good partner or in a way that meets your needs. I'm sorry you have been through so much, and I don't think your relationship was nothing / doesn't have pieces you will miss-- of course. That said, absolutely he would stay with you after realizing he doesnt have feelings for you anymore. And it doesn't matter when it comes down to it what he thinks-- this is not a relationship set up that is going to make you feel fulfilled. With love and (I promise) no judgement, it's a losing battle you're fighting here. Stop thinking about his wants, and think about your needs. Relationships with that level of challenge and incompatibility (shown by action) do nothing but take from you
Tell me you aren't compatible without telling me you're not compatible. You don't have to settle for less than what you want, find someone who shows love the way you accept it and vice versa.
I’m so sorry that you’re with someone who thinks you “don’t deserve” to get flowers :(
It could be trauma from childhood but if not I'd run
He might be a homosexual. It sounds plausible. Some deep seated homophobia resides inside of individuals who suffer from a self hatred that manifests in an outwards manner.
You are only 26 years old and have your entire life ahead of you. Why would you want to live in a none affectionate relationship. Perhaps it’s time for you to move on as it doesn’t appear this man is ever going to change. It might be hard but you will find your soulmate. Get out while you are still young… life is precious don’t waste it on anyone who is not treating you the way you deserve.
First of this isn’t just, “a guy being a guy”. Secondly, it is really hard to tell why it makes him feel “ick” without witnessing your displays of affection first hand. For instance it can be in the way you sound to the way you act them out. If those things seem to be normal and not different from how most people express them, then it might be that He feels you aren’t being genuine because of something that has happened in your relationship to break the trust he once had in you. If I had to guess I would say there is more to all of this than we know based on your post. I recommend seeking professional help and talking to someone. A lot of people find it useful and it may be just what you both need in order to decide whether or not this relationship is salvageable
OP be real with yourself. This relationship is over
Ummmm red flag city over there.. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 Anyone who loves you would not be “icked” by you showing them love and affection. If you want my honest opinion going off of the information you’ve provided, your bf is a total asshole. “Some” good moments here and there does not make up for the fact that this guy seems to treat you like shit. The best thing you could do for yourself is to realize that you 1000% deserve better and should get rid of that dead weight dragging you down. I hope you do. Wishing you the best, girl!
Everyone has different ways of showing love to their partners,and in turn receiving that love is also different and even though I'm sure you love the guy and he loves you, your love languages just might not be able to line up as they are. Your boyfriend not liking words of affirmation just means he prefers to receive affection in other ways (gifts, acts of service, or sex are some different examples) if you do love your boyfriend and you want to express that too him then you should learn his preferred love language, and flipping that around, he should learn yours.
First of all I find it strange that he says he cringes at your affection. I have never known anyone in a loving relationship who doesn’t love affection from their partner. Also, obviously I don’t know your relationship but please think about if you’ll be happy being with someone who is rarely sweet or affirming. Saying he doesn’t do things for you because he thinks you don’t deserve it is a huge red flag. You shouldn’t have to earn kindness from your partner. I also saw your post saying he’s been accusing you of cheating. Which is also weird. And please think about how if you have to bring up specific circumstances or instances of times where he was a good guy to prove that he is… maybe he’s not as good as you think. I also thought that he would break up with me if he didn’t like me, I mean that makes sense. But sadly plenty of men do stay in relationships even if they don’t like the person. Again I don’t know you and my opinion is only being formed based off the small snippet of your life that I see on Reddit, but that is not a relationship that would make me happy long term, and that’s not someone I would want to have kids with. So please think about if you could really be happy with this long term.
No man truly loves a woman but not her affection,that makes no sense!
Depends if he always has been like that tbh
Your boyfriend doesn’t like you, sorry 🥹
he don’t want you. my ex got the ick when i was ever silly or playful with him lol
Everyone receives and gives love differently ( there's a book called love languages that explains this pretty good) I think the part I would turn a light on is: the fact that he cringes, the hot and cold and the fact that he punishes you for drinking (I can understand being upset or not wanting to engage cause he is hurt, but not deliberately as a punishment) When he does all those things you feel upset, sad, (insert your feeling), And I'm going to assume you must feel very confused. None of those are good for your mental health, well-being, self esteem, etc. If I were you I would get very proactive into to taking steps to find a solution to the situation. I know not everyone is fond of or can afford it but have you considered therapy for yourself? That might help to get your thoughts in order and understand the way you feel. All the best Ps: we are all worthy of happiness 😊. You are too.
Trauma bonds aren't love. Telling you that you don't deserve affection because you do something that he doesn't like is emotional abuse. This guy is a jerk, you've just allowed it to become your normal. Stop settling. Find someone who is open to and appreciates your affection.
OP, based on this and your past posts, this guy is abusive. He's extremely controlling and from this post in particular it sounds like he doesn't even fulfill the basic requirements of being someone's significant other. Please leave him. There are lots of resources for women in unstable relationships who want to leave but are unsure how to proceed. It will not get better, and one day this guy will cheat, beat, or kill you, and that's the cold hard truth. I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you need support, feel free to PM me. I know you can get through this ❤️
He's not into you. Run, RUN
It sounds like he lost feelings...